Precise and immutable law!

Precise and immutable law – there has to be a Power at work here!

Having just read a few paragraphs of the Big Book, this paragraph stood out for me.

“...I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence? I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitation...”

Part of Bill’s Story, the first story in the Big Book, after the Dr’s Opinion which cleverly points out the physical illness of addiction, his story tells of a hopeless sot really. Functioning, successful, but quickly becoming a hopeless sot. I’m reading a few paragraphs per day and attempting to really take in something of the very useful and meaningful things he wrote.

It could be that everything in the Universe happens by accident, but even if it has there are forces at play. It’s not happening by magic. And it’s these Universal forces that I believe in. And somehow as Bill says it’s difficult to think it really is just a force that is happening without some awareness. Not a conscious being as we humans tend to think. I do not think we are in the form of God as the Bible suggests. But in terms of life itself we are in the form of this Spiritual force. The very essence of life cells and connected with the plant. We cannot survive as beings without the planet, we are dependant. However, the planet is not dependant on us. Some animals have been made dependant on us, however they would survive as species without us.

So I believe. And then I need to turn to that belief with faith. Believing is one thing. Really having faith is another. So I believe there is a spiritual intelligence. A Universe “who knew neither time nor limitation”. That is the next step. I haven’t read what Bill does but for me right now I am stopping starting with the practice of bringing God or my belief of the Greater Universe into my life. However, I am starting. I need to pray this morning and this is my reminder. Please wait whilst I break for morning prayers. Thank you.

That feels better already. It’s strange how it works but suddenly I feel more connected by actually stopping and talking to God.

Within my prayers this morning was as request to help me to be more as suggested in the daily reading today. “I pray that I may walk humbly with God. I pray that I may rely on His grace to carry me through.” However, this is on a re-read as in my prayers it was particularly focused on being united as a group and part of this involves neither gossiping nor criticising.  I have noticed how in my head I do this and thankfully these days I am learning how to keep my mouth shut. Instead I am refocusing and questioning of myself why a particularly attitude or behaviour may affect me. It’s interesting how T’s seeming selfishness affects me. She wants what she wants and when she wants it she goes straight to it without thinking of others. Now we have had some discussions about culture and she has explained that there is much more politeness in the British culture. However she was alarmed on her first arrival in the UK when people didn’t thank her after a meal but tended to thank at the end of an evening. For example children visiting her kids would have tea and then not say thank you. However, they would always say “thank you for having me” at the end of their visit and T came to learn that this included thanks for the meal. Hmm, well I think there is some lack of politeness involved in that too.

It’s interesting too that T has a way that encourages these discussions. It’s not critical, it’s pointing out differences. I must listen more closely to the ways in which she does that. She does not criticise the differences either. I tend to be critical in my thought; therefore if I don’t stop that prior to opening my mouth it comes out in a critical way. It happens in my work as well. I am therefore hoping that God will help me to find ways to raise my questions without sounding critical. Hence in my prayers I asked God to help me to remove my criticisms. There are differences between the three of us. And oh how I loathe when I jump in and say oh yes I’ve done that too or yes that’s me. I am listening more and attempting to find ways to question rather than have to relate. Thanks to M she attempted to tell me about the over-relating I do rather than simply listening. I am trying to be more conscious of this. Sometimes it is difficult to listen when someone is in a dilemma or pain or something along those lines. Why is it difficult? Because I don’t like to hear people to be in pain or difficulty and something in me thinks they want or need me to solve the problem. But I can’t. I do have similar experiences of course and I do have experiences of solutions too. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what people want to hear. People want to be heard first. I know that myself.

I am quite enjoying sitting in the back seat of the car and listening to the other two in the front. There are times when I think they get on better than me. It oscillates from T liking M more than me which means I will be left out of the loop. Then there are other times when I think M will like T more than me and I won’t be such a good friend anymore. It’s crazy thinking and I can change my thinking to be happy that two of my friends can get on so well.

We set off after lunch. We did a fair bit of travelling about and I was conscious that M was driving a lot. We left here for one of the largest natural lakes in Wales. It was near Bwlch. How can the Welsh use so few vowels and get away with it? I wonder if they have deep influences in their language from some of the Eastern European places. If I had time this morning I’d do some quick research on the origins of the language. It’s not a new discovery of course, me asking these questions. But it once again reminds me of the fact that the language we have is merely a way of making clicks and ah’s using the shape of our mouth and how as humans we have developed this together. I have been alert to listen for Welsh speaking. In Merthyr Tydfil, I noticed a language not familiar so assume it was Welsh. At times it sounded like European. And when T started reading signs she sounded very familiar with the language although of course is not at all.

The lake was actually at Llangors. We drove through Crickhowell, where the Green Man Festival is held. Was that about 2008 when M, J and I went? I think it was as after that J cut contact with us. And that still hurts. Mainly because I just don’t know why? It’s unfinished business and smarts with me. I just need t let go as there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. We got out of the car and M discovered boats for hire. I was nervous about the idea although I didn’t state my anxiety. In the end we left as the boat hire place was closed. Thank you God, ha ha ha. We couldn’t find a walk and at that I really wasn’t feeling very active. I think I’d been dozing in the car and didn’t quite get everything working properly in my body. I am noticing how I am feeling older and slower but I am very grateful to still be very active. Poor T is pain. I noticed she was finding the lighter difficult to push down, it was stiff she said. M and I looked at each other. It’s not my place to suggest maybe she might get her bones checked out? Anyway, we took a look for a path to a church we could see but decided to drive there instead. Again it was funny listening to T and M debating which routes and roads, T very insistent that she could map read and has been doing so for her entire life. M was suspicious. I think I’m the only one who can really do it so it was good to simply hand that over and go along for the journey. Dozily. I am dozing a lot. I am such a controlling person. I need to step back more but not so much that I’m not involved at all. Where is he balance – yet again? As we were stopped and those two were debating the road and whether we should turn around a very friendly local asked if we were lost. We said we were heading towards Brecon. Of course we were a long way from Brecon in “local yokel’s” books, I thought. He raised an eyebrow I think. He started giving us all variations of routes, very friendly. I swore I heard him say that we could even go down the road we were facing down and go past his house. I asked him if we should pop in for a cuppa. He said his brother was there, laughingly. The other two didn’t hear him say that at all. Did I imagine it? They were laughing at me. I thought it funny that he said it.

We got to Brecon and drove through it and then went on to a National park. It was a long Welsh name and without access to the Internet right at this moment I cannot find the name. We took a short walk up the hill. A hill opposite was covered in very low cloud and so respectfully we decided to “stick to the path not the moor” as people get lost. T was explaining that people tend to go around in circles when disorientated. How interesting. I wonder why? Something else to research some time. I was interested that the earth seemed red. Full of iron of course. Iron and tin were mined in Wales. However they are called the Black Mountains wither side of the Brecon Beacons, and I associated this with coal. The towns don’t appear as I would imagine coal mining towns. My images are created from scenes in films from northern coal mining towns I guess. For some reason I am fascinated by the soils. And even more interested to see some surface mining. T was interested as to why we have stopped mining. Expense of labour I believe. And then we debated the dangers of coal mining. What if the hill started to burn? Would t just keep burning as it’s fuel? What makes the fuel? After all wood burns easily so what makes the coal so burnable?

We then decided to go to Merthyr Tydfil and as we drove there I was researching fellowship meetings. The plan being that we go on a steam train journey followed by a meeting.

Well it’s all gone awry but worked out in the end. Setting off for our walk to Ysgyryd Fawr (Skirrid Mountain). T decided to come too but with the proviso she’d turn back home if her leg got too bad. M and I made it. We got to the tope and walk along the very top, amidst the clouds and such strong winds. We turned for home and got a bit lost. It felt such a pressure on me as the “self-designated” map reader. It was funny earlier on in the walk when M was saying sorry for having doubted T’s map reading skills the day before and then T went and chose the wrong routes. M made comment and at that point T said “don’t you make mistakes”. I felt good about myself though as I had stayed quiet when T took over and decided on the paths. But I had a strong feeling it was wrong and when I could I turned us all around and selected the right path. It’s a really good feeling. But then it goes beyond just the feeling of actually “I can do this”. It becomes” see how clever I am and that makes me a really worthy person. I need to be right. M and I got to the top but then as we had crossed fields with horses and M had been scared I suggested we returned via the road. Man! Did I lose us! We ended up walking up a stream, M’s feet sopping. Then we had to cross a field with horses anyway. Actually two mares with their foals. They were friendly and delightful and again I felt so good to be able to be steady and consider M’s fear. We go home eventually but I did get stressed with the sense of responsibility. We had set off probably about 9:30. I had rushed writing and not completed my thoughts before leaving. Hence this reads as if it’s continuous. We didn’t get back until approximately 13:30 maybe even closer to 14:00. Tired and very hungry I got out of my wet clothes and rapidly prepared my lunch. It was disappointing food considering I was so hungry.  Furthermore, and ever so worrying, my knee started to hurt. At points I didn’t think I could get my leg over the stiles as my knee just hurt too much to bend. And walking in long grass that had blown over was excruciating. Perhaps it’s arthritis. That’s horrid!! More things I have to adjust to about getting older. Poop.

There are times when I think I’m twice the size of T and then other times I think I’m too skinny and not shapely at all. I know how awful I feel when I am overweight and people are talking about sized when they are thinner. It leaves me feeling dreadful so M had asked that we didn’t talk about it.

Mrs Smith, friendly, cheerful Mrs Smith is here along with her five children. Hey seem to range from about 7 or 8 upto about 15 or 16. We haven’t seen them all, merely glimpses of them. Boy is she hard working. Backwards and forwards to the washing room. She rents out two little cottages. The one we are in and one next door. There is another larger looking lodge a little further down the farm. Then there is the guy with the Smiley earring who lives in a couple of caravans. Probably over rehearsed he told the travellers “I came here 21 years ago on holiday and I’ve never left”. The fact that he came from just around the corner made it seem a really odd thing to have done. The holiday on the farm not the part where he had decided to stay. Many a time people decide to stay permanently where they have been holidaying. “Live with my wife, and do odd things here on the farm, plus a removal tomorrow and some building somewhere else.” Where’s his wife though? Oh and children too. What a place though. What he did say, almost embarrassed and looking cautiously for a brief moment towards the house and lowering his voice, “she’s on her own with the five kids”. So that was how the news broke that she had five children and also eradicated all the questions about who Mr Smith is. “He lives in Abergavenny”.

Last evening Mrs Smith was all dolled up and very bright-eyed. She was distracted when stopping momentarily to chat, as if not really taking anything in and abrupt like she had certainly not been until this moment. Preoccupied but it seemed in a dreamy eyed way. She was surely meeting a man. Or maybe a woman. Maybe that’s why Mr Smith left. Mrs Smith had been having an affair with a woman. However, I think if she is having an affair it’s occurred after Mr Smith left. She is just one of those practical and very homely looking women. I see pain in her eyes despite her incredible friendliness. She was even worrying when the women were seemingly late from an early morning walk.

Mrs Smith had married Mr Smith pretty young. They were in their early twenties. She is only early forties now. And with all those kids. Mr Smith inherited the family farm and they settled into running this business. Farming was enduring an took it’s toll on the relationship. Where had the romance gone? Where did all that joy of the early days of meeting and courting fade too. Instead being replaced with home making, children and hard work. Then when Mr Smith met his floozy, in town, it revitalised him but devastated Mrs Smith. The children too, feeling sombre, they watch their hard-working mum, prepare beds, clean the cottages, direct the farm workers and try to make ends meet. She looks tired. They are good children, helping around the house and keeping out of harms way. They rarely see their dad now. It’s seems to be an impermanent arrangement. Mr Smith will be coming back but no one knows exactly when.

Mrs Smith has no time for hobbies and interests. But now with the cottages and the fishing lake, she is starting to have a good income. It’s hard work but it’s more than paying it’s way despite the drenched out summer. Does she really want Mr Smith back? Certainly not right now with this new romantic interest. It’s nothing very committed but it’s a lot of fun. You can see that in her eyes if you stop to look on “those” nights out.

And the next day she’s really buoyant. A spring in her step. Work is easier somehow. Things are funnier and there are no worries. In fact even the anger towards Mr Smith diminishes in the aftermath of a wonderful evening out.

Well this is all in my imagination of course. Just a little idea from a brief word and encounter.

Bliss

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