Gordon's gone now too

A dutiful visit to Kent yesterday has left me very thoughtful. I am pleased that I made the effort to visit in respect of Uncle Gordon's death. I had been left with the dilemma of either asking for another day off work which wuld typically fall on a day of day care to attend the formal funeral today. Or not go to the funeral and feel een more estranged from my estrangement with my family. And then it became clear to me that I would be able to do both. And then even better I learnt that they were holding an informal service at 5pm.
And so I arranged to journey to Auntie O's and Uncle R's. I arrived at 3:30, having had the morning and lunch with ML. Poor her, her car broke down and then she learnt that she hadn't been offered the Job for which she attended the interview last week.
Anyway having spent an afternoon then chatting and listening to Auntie O and Uncle R we went to the service. A turned up at O&R's prior tot he service and kindly gave me some complimentary tickets for the V&A exhibition. That had been pre-arranged.
I sat and listened to them all really being judgemental and very critical with it of the family coming from Wigan. I am left wondering what on earth is said about me and also my mum, behind my back. They are not really kind thinking people. It's highly critical in a very condemning way. I didn't like the fact that I chipped in with one or two snippets of my own versions of criticism. I wonder if they say these things with any meanness behind it or just like us all, it's with our own issues driving it all. I have compassion enough to see that I suppose. And the other good thing is that I am learning to not be so flipping judgemental at the same time as being judgemental if you know what I mean. I have been praying ever since I sat there asking You God to remove this defect from me. I don't see any useful purpose.
I am also left wondering what it is this thing called family. I sat there in the evening with a few of them around me feeling very distant from them. I see how I have kept people shut out and yet I sort of want to belong as well. I try and yet sit there feeling different. It's odd. And I think I have always had this weird feeling of knowing them and feeling connected but feeling on the outside too. Is it my doing? Or is it real? The thing is what really makes it different from sitting around with any  other bunch of people. I don't understand  what it is about the neurons firing that might have that sense of family. I don't have the depth of belonging that I think I ought to have and perhaps they seem to have. I wonder if they do. Is it just a sort of duty thing for them too or nosiness or what is it? I have more sense of beining elsewhere I think. But then again do I? I can gradually eel a part of something as I spend more and more time with people or say particular AA meetings. But I an easily leave again. Is it me? It's a cmmon theme in AA, feeling different, as if not belonging even within the family.
I need to go to work but I think there is more for me to write on this. Especially as I see how I complained about my dad rebuking me for so long. But I didn't let him in. Afraid I guess of being hurt and pushed out I wasn't able to let my dad close yet would moan about him shutting me out. It was both of us. I want to changed God. Please help me. I do not want to regret the next death I regret not knowing more about Uncle Gordon or any of them. He seemed a very nice man but I had never found that out for myself apart from a brief talk with him earlier this year.
I hear how negative Uncle R is about everyone. I used to think he was so cool. I wonder what happened. I understand how hurt he must be for losing his daughter, my cousin. She was only 41 years odd. Now 2 years ago since her death. How very very odd.
Off to work

Bliss

Indelible traces of my past that are falsified

Memories can be very unreliable. We like to think of them as indelible records of our past. Every time we pull out a scene we fiddle with it a little bit before we put it back in
We are constantly altering our memories so the past won't conflict with the present.
It isn't questioning our feelings about our childhood but specific incidents might not necessarily be exactly as they were.
One event though doesn't tell us everything about the entirety of our childhood.

Emotional injury in families can feel so unfair.
It's like an accident in the car when I'm the only who went through the windshield.
And people think they are doing different tings from how it actually feels.

I want to stop all these people I see at work from going through the windshield.
My mum has gone through the windshield. I am now the orphan I have always felt I have been. I felt separated and different. Different values.
How ca I be a good daughter to my parents even though they are dead?
I get so busy. I don't want to go to their graves. It's just nothingness there. I don't want to tend the little area.

I do what my parents did I suspect ... to my friends.
I can be such a fabricator of the truth - well less so now unless I'm careful to be truthful.
I omit things so that people don't know what is actually going on.













 

Oh That's Crap! Unsettling.Revealing.

Well I've learnt even more about my father. From Auntie E and then I picked up the courage to call Auntie V.
Now she seemed to be asking several times what I wanted. I said that I want peace of mind. She said that if that's what I wanted then I need to let go. She suggested going to church. I said that also wanted to know things about my dad. I think she thought I might be phoning to ask for money. He had told her that I'd had 2 lots of £15,000 loans which I'd never paid back. What a liar! That's so infuriating but a relief to know that he told such bloody idiotic lies. He had said that I'd cost him a lot with my first marriage. That's probably true. As much as I hate to admit it. My mum and went for it. I think it could have been more costly. I mean I didn't have or want an evening bash. He knew as well that I didn't really want to get married but didn't have the courage to step away from it. I was too scared. Perhaps he could have helped me there. It was a sham of a wedding and a marriage. And I've done it a couple of time since. I know he had no respect for me in my attitude towards money and spending it. Yes I did have a couple of loans. But I did pay them back and they were no more than a couple of thousand each time. He did act as guarantor but again didn't have to pay anything. He did give me the deposit on the first house £2000 and that was lost when I ran away from the whole relationship, everything. I was foolish to do that. I should have stayed and fought but I didn't and didn't have the courage to ask for help to get what was rightly mine. Lukcy MP, he got the lot. I don't think my mum and dad did naything with regard the place in Guildford with AV.
Anyway Auntie V did confimr the name-swapping business of my fathers father. The family name was Boulger and they came from Southern Ireland. They cam from New Ross apparently. I'd like some time to go there. But with Boulger being such a popular name. .... I wonder if Auntie V would give me some more details when I go and visit her.
She sounded as is she were talking through a psychic voice. She said that T would spend what little money was left very quickly. She said that there would be something for me from the house. Well we'll see.
I'd love it if Auntie V after all these years of knocking her psychic skills was right. I think my mum might have been jealous of Anutnie V and Uncle F. My dad always held them in high esteem but my mum an dI were snobby about them. Look at them now. A very very rich family. But never forgetting where they came from. Unlike my mum. And I.
Good for them. I am very pleased for them. Truly I am. And they look after each other which is also a real beautiful thing. Unlike the snobbishness and distancing and self-gain. I have had that too. I really am very very happy for them making it good but jealous too. I wish I had their get up and go and humility to do what it takes to get there. I was  not interested in grubby looking things. Ha! More fool me. Last laugh and all that!!!
Anyway Auntie E was aware of affairs. She said that Auntie V had always known about affairs. I will ask her directly when I visit. I said I would visit in early May. I want to follow that through. I've arranged a date to get up to the Wirrall to see Auntie E and Uncle M.
They have always been mocked by my father. And I would never say that to them - please God. I was able to say to Auntie V how highly he regarded bith her and Uncle M. She knew that.
She gave me some snippets of information and understandably was cagey to begin with.

I am fucking furious with him for being a liar, a cheat, a cad, a womaniser, a complete fabrication. I am pleased that he found happiness in recent years according to Auntie V. I'm also glad that he wasn't completely happy according to Auntie E and also to N. They all think there was something not right. I wonder why Auntie V then says he loved T and was contented and also she finds T to be a nice lady. When so many others don't think she is. I feel for her with a difficult childhood as described by her cousin. I am pleased that she has no financial worries in her illness. One less thing to stress about. I am jelaous that she had good times with my father especially as I was so excluded. I am jealous that I didn't get any inheritance. I don't like being jealous and would really like this to be removed from me please God and let go. Help me to let go please.
Should I stand up for my rights? I suppose there's no harm in asking another solicitor. But if they also say no then I will let go of pursuing it. I am coming to terms with this being my lot. It is not necessary to have material wealth to be hapy.
It immediately made me more content with G. Before then I was agnonising over the fact that  he has nothing too.
So what. If we can be happy in our strange way together, then that's enough. I can adjust more easily than ever I imagined I would.
I feel a sense of loss of the freedom to travel. I'd truly like to find ways to get to the Far East and to India to meet with Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo. I'd like to see other cultures and worlds. Perhaps I'll just have to be content with the wonders I've been privileged to experience through my work before. I have chosen a different career and it's an amazing honour to work with people and their private lives.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I can learn and move on from this. It's been a lot of turmoil but doesn't have to stay turmoil.
HP help me to be happy for others good fortune and to be grateful for what I have.

In the meantime, my father was not someone I am proud to own the genes of. I am furious with him for being such a fuckwit! I am furious with him for cheating on my mum and for lying so much. There was no bloody need. I think I can see a way of dropping the resentment though. Not by thinking it through. Simply by ust acknowledging the anger and fury and letting go of the desire for it to be different. It is what is it. The past was what it was. I'm angry and that's that. But not longing right at this moment. I annot get reconciliation from anyone. The only person who could have shed light on what the reality actually was is dead, my father. And he was never capable of honesty when he was alive. I just need to accept that.
I amscared that I am a pathological liar too. Please God help me to be honest.
I will tell G, sponsor that G, boyfriend, and I are going to stay in the relationship. Both a little tentatively and accepting that it's quite a lively relationship.

I didn't know any other way. I wasn't given the tools for some reason. Some of it my make-up, some of it the lacking within my relationships and guidance. I became an addict and do not blame him/them for this. I need to take responsibility for my behaviours which I do. I was not pleasant and very irresponsible. I became out of control and was a worry for my parents. I really don't think there was any other way to go though. I didn't have the capability for life yet was thrust into it anyway. I had to get away from home. I was self-willed too. A bit of a handful. Very, very angry, understandably. And then I got into recovery. My father didn;t want to see any changes in me. And I've learnt was lying about me anyway. He had to make it worse that it was probably to ease his conscience in some way. I and my father probably have a lot of similarities. I was tuaght to be a liar. The truth was never ever enough.

So an interesting morning. And a lot of study avoidance. Okay - I have at least half an hour to get some done

Bliss
XX

Discombobulation

Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished, Bliss, is like finding fault with a lion because it can't fly, a bird because it can't swim, or tree because it can't leave...

With regard to the above remark from The Universe (tut.com) I agree. But there is also investing in one's potential. I have stopped investing in G's potential. I really haveloved the person he is. But there are behaviours and attitudes that I really don't like. His moodiness, his lack of desire to socialise, his judgements of others so harshly, his anger, his viciousness. Yet I have understanding of the origins of his pain and lack of trust from what he's told me. I feel so dreafully sad for the awful start he had in life. When I looked at the photos of him as a little boy my heart hurt. I can't imagine how the experiences have really left him. Uncertain and untrusting. I can relate from my own turmoil.
When does one stop accepting and take into consideration ones own needs. I am confused about this at the moment. With everything else that's going on I cannot deal with it. G has sent some light hearted texts and I have replied light-heartedly too. I do not want him back in my life and yet I miss the nicer parts of him incredibly. I have given of myself to him like uniquely. He has no idea just how much I have given of myself to him. And yet he thinks differently.

I do not judge him for what has not been accomplished because they are my measures. He may feel perfectly accomplished. He is bright and intelligent. He is interesting. He is quick-witted. He is lovely. I like and love G so much. But ...
And I cannot forgive him for saying that there were grey areas in connection with my dad. And at this time when I am learning more and more SHIT about the disgusting man. I feel sick and repulsed by him. And then G says something like that.
How could he? But then of course he doesn't know what it's like to be me so that's probably how.
Visiting the F's has revealed that there was suspicions within their family. Our family was being talked about. They felt that I didn't get everything they though I should, not enough care. Apparently my mum was challenged about not caring for me enough; by her boss PF and also by the F family. R apparently suspected sexual abuse. She was right. J told me about female friends of theirs that talked of my dads sexual propositions towards them. Those were the ones that said no.
The weird thing is that I didn't believe myself and yet this information I'vve been receiving cares what I think I was making up. Shit it's all so flipping weird. And I'm so angry with my mum and yet struggling to be angry as it feels so wrong. She MUST have known something, she certainly must have known about his infidelity and his nastiess towards me. How could she have sat there saying she didn't understand why things were always so bad between my dad and I.
I admit fully that I brough problems to their door but I was fucked up by him years and years before that.
My mum once allowed me to persuade at age 3 years old to stay in the playground with some boys. They spun me around on the roundabout and I fell off. I can remember lying on the tarmac and seeing my mum standig over me eventually. I am probably muddled but also remember it. I had to light the fire and put the dinner on and things when I got home from school. I was alone from a very yong age doing these things. I certainly was alone from age 7 yrs old.
It was all fucked up! And I thought I was making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I feel like my world has gone. What was my reality is disintegrating. I don't know what reality is anymore. There is only my relaity l,oaded with experienes and attitudes and behaviours etc. I feel limp, lifeless. I want to run as afar as I can but I go with me.
My world is blown apart, topsy turvy. How on earth do I get forward from here?

Pleas e show me what and where and how Universe. Thank you

Bliss
X

Comport with Dignity

Well today, although internally terrified, I sent a letter recorded delivery to T. It was a card actually.

It said

Dear Theresa,

Firstly I would like to say thank you for organising father’s funeral service. It was a lovely service and appreciated by all. I would also like to thank you personally for the support you were able to give father over the past few months as his illness progressed.

Secondly I would like to be present when his will is read. I am aware that you may not know my address and I therefore give the details as follows;

Pamela A Roberts, 6 blah blah blah  My telephone number is xxxxx xxxxxx.

I would appreciate it if you forward these details to your solicitor and ask him to either write or telephone me as soon as possible informing me of the date and venue for the reading of the will. You will appreciate that I need to book the time of work and arrange the work diary to suit.

Once again, thanks you for organising the funeral and for being there for father in his last days

 

So what do you think?

.... I have more to write about the comporting but right now have to get off towards Kent (alone - as G walked out again)

Yep over the last two to three days there is so much to say. My life is never boring I can honestly say that.

 

I will continue with the comporting. I'd appreciate any views on the letter as I am pooping myself when she gets it. But there's fathers voice again ... I've done something wrong, a money grabber etc etc. I know he thought I was always taking and to be fair to hi at times that's what I did. I walked away from houses and lost fortunes. I have never been responsible with money and material things. It's odd. And yet I WANT!

So he may have even primed her for me wanting things. I want things that were my mums and his to have - it's sort of part of the holding on to them both. I feel lost without them oddly and I want some worldy things to have them close. And yet I know deep down those things are not them at all. And also there are some things I like but they are then just more clutter. I'd like the painting and I'd like the ivory peacock. I used to play with it. AND I'd love my dads medals. They were his pride and joy and he was a good solider by all accounts. A proper soldier JH said. And PW told me that my dad experienced some horrible things.

More to be written on these events over these last few days and another flipping adventure to be had today visiting my family for my Auntie O's birthday.

On the way I will call RW and say how sorry I am for the loss of his father. And even worse I didn't know for months. My dad didn't tell me. I would have been at the funeral but of course my dad would want to keep me away from T or she keep him away from me. It's so flipping hurtful and difficult not to take personally. Bless them both God. I pray for them both. only You know what is best for them and for me.

Bliss

XX

 

My first thought ...

Go with it. Roll, Bliss. Swerve.
The "unexpected" is just my way of preparing you for more than you knew to ask for.
Bounce back, serpentine, 2-step -
    The Universe

.... is usually my addict thoughts. Meanness and greed were the motivators behind the first thoughts when my dad was telling me about his wife. Promiscuity or lust, pride (lack of esteem), gluttony and fear were behind my thoughts involving D on Saturday evening.
And throughout my life I have defined myself by these first thoughts. As my sponsor reminds me I am so full of self-hatred and turn on myself at every given opportunity.
How fortunate I am that I received phone calls back from people I'd called out to yesterday. S called and was the person who suggested that my first thought is going to be the addict. But it doesn't define me. That's the ill part of me but what I do next says a lot more about me. I am acknowledging the thoughts and then praying for T and praying for K and D. I am not acting out on my first thought, in fact the opposite and so my third and forth thoughts also say a lot about me. I am wholesome, not a one dimensional addict.
And as for some surprises Unoverse, they have been complete swerve balls as I often hear people say. I was not expecting my dad to call adn say T was in a coma. And not expecting myself to question whether I believe him or not. And then the speeding camera's, and my Uncle dying and and and. Phew. But all I can do is go with this flow. I feel momentarily overwhelmed and then coe back to wondering what I am supposed to do other than learn where there are lessons obvious to me and change damaging behaviours or attitudes or thoughts. What more can I do? Nothing.. Pray for guidance and trust. I'm doing that to the best of my ability. Thank you God.
Thank you S for your wide and gentle words. Thank you G for the phone calls.
So lessons I can learn. Stop being complacent regarding sticking to speed limits! This is crucial. I cannot afford the fines and cannot afford to lose my licence. Furthermore it is the law and it's there for a purpose. The places are residential and people deserve the respect of caution.
Lavishness is not a luxury I can afford. I need to practise frugality. I start keeping a note of expenditure but I do not continue with it, denying this issue I have completely. Another call I received this morning brought this matter up. And the financial insecurity is so ugly. The fear it evokes is paralysing. It is terror, the high end of fear. I am praying to be released from it. But praying means action. OK from today I will practise the discipline of writing everything down that I spend. I have the Little Black Book to do this in and need to carry it at all times. I can leave my food plan book behind but this is a slightly different discipline.
It's so much nicer to acknowledge that I don't know how I feel about L's death last year and Uncle B's death recently announced. I really have detached from family for whatever reason and still have no inclination to be more involved and yet want the attachment as well. This is a peculiar situation. But the distance leaves me with a sort of numbness. I was fond of Uncle B and I think he was fond of me. I truly appreciated his generosity in paying for my hotel accommodation for N's wedding and sort of enfolding me into their family when my dad and T were so frosty. Wow that hurt.
I have fond memories of Christmases with their family and I really like N, my cousins company. I was always in awe of the beautiful L, cousin. She was fun and lively and so so pretty. I always thought R, cousin, was sort of uncomfortable, in the wrong skin somehow. I hope he finds a way to be himself in his latter years. He's in his 60's now and has been caring for his parents forever in one way or another. Auntie B is still alive but in a home as she is struggling with dementia and can no longer look after herself. Thank goodness they had the means to pay for this care for both Aunt and Uncle in the end. Their wealth didn't buy them health but bought them care support at least.

M is going for her interview at West Dean today. I am jealous but not envious.

Portrait of a Woman Suffering from Obsessive Envy
Jean Louis Théodore Géricault (1791–1824

Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as a resentful emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement or possession and wishes that the other lacked it.
And then jealousy is wanting it too?

I'd love to have the courage to do what she is doing. The studying at a bricks and mortar uni then going forward to do the MA. I am studying psychology though and feel a lacking of the creative arts within that. I want to achieve my degree and then consider what I do next. perhaps an MA in something creative to develop my skills? Who knows/. God help to guide me around this.
Anyway I am very excited for M. She has submitted her novel, well the first chapters written as a part of her dissertation for her degree.
My financial insecurity stops me. My fear of the future too. I am too old surely to take that kind of a risk.
But how wonderful that I can be encouraging and support M. She is taking the action to get something she believes she wants and if it's right then it shall be provided. Good for her.

OK I think I'm all written out for the time being. I feel tired already. I went to bed around 23:20 - far too late. I had intentions of doing a lot this morning. Reading, writing, sketching. I love these mornings off but then I often spend time writing. I wonder if it is all so essential and then I like to record my thoughts. It's there, it's committed thoughts. I don't know if it's too much. I have walked LouLou this morning and spoken with FA kins and been texting with M and prepared my meals and emails with J to arrange to meet when she visits from Spain. Oh a R is visiting too. All these people that I thought were no longer contacting me have.
Furthermore, my lack in self confidence is challenged when an ex client from several years ago has asked for a couple of 1:1's and a current client ran over to hug me tightly at the end of the farewell session. A 1:1 client has been referred to me from Dr F. Hmm I hope to keep it in balance though and not let this go to my head as then I come to earth with a thudding crash and brokenness all around. I smile at myself for the first thought is hatred and then I can slow down, become more gentle and acknowledge that it's all learning. I am slowly moving away from the destructive way of being.
Thank you God.
I feel a degree of serenity despite all the life things occurring.
I trust that the right paths are there to be revealed to me when I open my eyes. I now just need to have faith in God that I will be OK money or no money, job or no job, friends or nor friends, in illness and death, with or without anything. Please God I pray to really hold that faith close and action my faith.
Thank you God for being there.
My God is not a religious God. IN fact I really have no idea what my God is. It's enormity itself. Not powering over me or ruling anything. Simply there as an energy force that is almost inexplicable. If there is a plan it's not planned out. It is what it is with a million and one paths to choose from and any single one of them is the right one. None of them bad. What is gained from them is down to the humanness in me.
I pray to follow Gods spirit. To be free of the bondage of self and to do the best thing for self and others. Please God show me what and how.
Thank you.
Thank you for my abstinence yesterday and please help me to remain abstinent today.
Oh I have lost more weight and so my grains have increased to 6 oz. It feels frightening and there is a sort of false pride attached to losing weight unintentionally. I feel OK despite a few people thinking I look too thin. I don't look sexy but perhaps I am right-sized. I am following instructions from my sponsor though and that's what matters. I am not taking things into my own hands.
119.7 pounds this morning. The lowest I think was about 120 pounds. My sponsor suggests putting on a couple of pounds and not being able to afford to lose anymore.
I agree.

Bliss
XX

Watch out for Gremlins

Crikey! It feels like a whirlwind struck and it';s just this littl ol's thing called living life.
Where do I begin? So many observations and happenings.
Let's empty my mind as things come to the forefront of it.
Well first off was the sudden realisation when looking at my diary on iPhone that I was supposed to be going to S's (my Goddaughter) birthday party. Her 21st. Part of me didn't want to go as it involved effort especially when feeling already drained of energy after a full on holiday. However, the other part of me wanted to show up for both K and S. I made contact with them as really I had little information. I eventually spoke with K and arranged to get to her house. She informed that D (ex-husband) would be there and that was extra motive. Now that's interesting, so hold that thought. I also learnt that it was a fancy dress party!! Well I was not at all prepared for fancy dress and was thinking of wearing the dress I bought from Monsoon from A and G's voucher for my birthday. However I suddenly realised it was a proper party and hunted through some other ideas ending up wearing my very lovely pink dress from Karen Millen. I bought it years ago when with S and wore it only once before now. The only time I was slim enough. I look tiny in it. It was amazing to want to dress up and feel OK being dressed up. I didn't want to look as if I was competing with 21 year olds but at the same time wanted to dress up. Lovely.
I arrived in good time to eat my pre-prepared supper and then we were off to the club. Wow! K is so stressed and angry. She acknowledged that it was affecting her about D being there for the evening and yet she wasn't thinking about him. I didn't ask what she was being affected by. I said I hoped she would be OK that I intended to speak with him. She made a comment about him annoying her because he spoke to all her friends. K has so much animosity and deep down I know she is hurting badly. She doesn't seem to know any of this though. She defends her hurt and blames him, curses him, and is raging at him. Please God help K to either get some clarity or find a way to let go. Perhaps this recent man she has met will help but I tend to think it keeps her in the craziness rather than be any healing.
I did speak to D. It was nice seeing him. I have always liked D and in some ways relate to him better than K. K and I have such different ideas about life I always think. I talked quite a lot to D actually. There were times when I felt very much like a spare part and yet D and his brother M, and his wife J were so inclusive. The first time I went over to D. The next time he beckoned me over. It was then that I listened to him more. He has anger towards K but it seems different somehow. He is battling with her reaction to him leaving. He talked about his leaving and his new life a little. He was so complimentary about K as a mother. But he has a lot of concerns for the way things are. I could empathise with him on many issues.
They are certainly at different levels of their understanding and process.
What is interesting for me is me in all of this. There is a part of me that's always been attracted to D. I never ever crossed that line and don't think I even ever flirted with him. Despite what another friend of mine thinks I am honourable in that way. I can berate myself for having the thoughts about finding men attractive who are married but I would not enter into that attraction I don't think. I have however had affairs with men who are married in relationships. It hasn't been with any wife or partner I've ever known which doesn't excuse it but it has been meetings under different circumstances. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour from a man and so am deeply ashamed of my part in that. In recovery my amends is to not do that.
This adds though to my confusion and need to be open and honest with my support about contact with D. I suggested that I take his number as I would love to keep in contact with him. I have genuinely a fondness for him as after all I have known him for a long time. It's very difficult when a couple split up and a friendship has developed with the partner/husband/wife as well. I am loyal to K and would not wish to cross any line. But I have to be honest and say that I was interested when I heard that D might not be so happy in his new marriage. He asked me about my status and I said that I have chosen to have a good long time away from relationships. I noticed him touch me a few times but in particular when he said that K had asked if he and I had ever had sex together. I was sad that she would thin that but also very aware that she her insecurity is heightened and was before they even split up. I watched the dynamics with horror really. And the reality is I just could see K's destructive behaviours but always blaming him. I would have left too. In fact I did. I could not bear anymore the way K was and had no ways of saying it to her. Now I have a distance because I had to force it first. And I hope to be able to maintain my boundaries. For instance, talking to D for as long as I wanted felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what would seem appropriate and at times it seemed to lengthy. Especially when D said he was just going to the toilet and if I was there when he got back good and if I wasn't I wasn't. I wondered what that meant really? But I also know that I am a sex and love addict and I put meaning on things because I am looking for it. So I need to be vigilantly aware and not flirt or be suggestive in any way. If I want to maintain any contact with D it will need close monitoring. The thing is I also think if I tell my sponsor she will say no. Is that the right thing to do? Can I not have friendly contact and ensure my boundaries are in place. This is what I want to do.
So I have D's number and sent him a text so that he has my number. He has suggested we meet for lunch for a proper chat. I need to talk to people about this but I am terrified of their judgement of me.
I feel hungry. Surprise, surprise.
Who can I talk to? God please guide me with all of this. It is a fine line. I feel certain that my sponsor will say withdraw completely but what I really need is her to help me with boundaries and keeping them. Actually that's what I need to ask her to do instead of putting in comments and then being told what to do. I need to ask her to help me in the way I want to be helped.
I want to be a friend to K and not hurt her feelings. I would like to retain some of the friendship with D and I do not want to act in any promiscuously or indecently. Not that D would do that more than likely. I think he is decent man actually.
So what will I say to my sponsor. Than you God for the awareness and the need for the honesty. I know this is crucially important. Will I mention if to M as well - it's always a difficult call as I feel judged and I feel criticised too. If it comes up I will talk about it with her. It would be interesting to see what support she can offer with this. I would like to ask her to try and put all judgement and criticism aside and listen to my honesty so that I can find a way to be the person I want to be. Is that the right wording God?
In a texting conversation with A I have mentioned the need for support. I feel so unjudged by A and it's a lovely feeling. The thing is she is so unavailable these days. Even more so than in the past - boyfriend, pregnancy, family, other friends. I am delighted for her but aware that it is less availability for me. I wouldn't want it any other way though in terms of what she has in her life right now. It seems everything she wanted. Thank you God for providing for A.
It's odd really writing that because I realise that I want so many different things and different times. My wants a diverse. It is impossible to have them all at the same time. I want to be wealthy with finances and nice things and comforts and then I want simple living too. I want to be academic, I want to be a psychologist but I want to be studying art history too. I want to be bohemian at times and at other times smart looking an polished. I want to be working, I want to be able to afford a life of leisure. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be free and spirited out of a relationship. God is it at all uprising that You cannot provide any of these things as they are constantly shifting within me? Is it because I still have o idea who I am or what I want? Or is this exactly who I am and all the things I want? Please God give me guidance. I am wanting to develop my faith in my belief of you. This is progress huh God?
It will soon be AWOL time and I haven't written anyway near all of the things and observations over the past few days.
I want to add if I haven't already written how wonderful it was to want to dress up and feel good in being dressed up and comfortable being the right size. It was one less thing to have to deal with. I also didn't have to deal with the buffet and hunger.
I did have to deal with not being overly at ease just generally chit chatting. I do not want to go into to deep and personal matters. It seems so intense. I did fall into that for a while with some friend of S's. I think he was ingenuine and there I was getting too open. I realised it but didn't know how to stop it. God? I could have said actually let's change the subject. How do I break into conversations though about other matters like art and general interests. I suppose it would be useful to have a way of finding out what interests people have and ask questions about that. For example the young lads playing football. I could have asked about their team and how they think they play. I could have asked about their interests outside of football.
Same with D really. I did with J, talking about her daughter and her family. She was so pleasant really. Everything seems simple. She and M do seem happy together, dancing and laughing about. How utterly wonderful.
Thankfully the talk with this friend of S's was towards the end of the evening and the lights were coming on a clearing up was the need. It couldn't go on. He did share with me his insecurity was of his colour. I wanted to know more but he deflected onto me. He said he was a detective in the police but afterwards K implied that generally he was full of bullshit really. I didn't tell her he said he was a detective but somehow he didn't seem genuine at all then. How the influences of others can be so powerful. Gossip is dangerous.
I was pleased with myself. I did not enter into the gripes and sniping between K and D. I listened  mainly. I have passed on to K how D complimented her as a mother. I thought that was very important.
Oh whilst feeling unattractive and grey in colour the friends of S's said that I had a great figure and should be proud of it. I was very attractive and should be proud of it. He was also very surprised I was 52 years of age. Good! I do feel it though whatever feeling 52 really means.
I was disgusted again by K's dads inappropriateness with women and even when he was telling me. I have always felt so uncomfortable with his feely touchy ways. He is inappropriate and it makes me feel physically sick. I connect it though when younger as accepting it as it was fairly normal practise in my own household.
What i also found disconcerting and sinister was that one of S's friend's father and his mate were hanging around the youngsters all evening. The father had divorced his wife and was now married to a young Thai woman who looked little and a childlike figure. I found these two men repulsive and very worrying actually. What is one to do about things like this as the girls are all of an age now where it is consenting whatever happens. However they may be totally unaware as these men apparently have gone clubbing with them for years. Oh yuch!!!
Is it my own issues and suspicions or is it wrong. It seems very wrong indeed!! I expressed my disgust and concern to K about these men and she told me of her observation of the fathers friend on the dance floor keeping everyone apart. There is something acutely wrong in this thing I've witnessed. I noticed S kept right away from them and have a concern about this.
OK it really, really is time to call the AWOL. I hope that I get on all OK.
I'm looking forward to listening and hopefully will find the courage and words to share.Please God help me to contribute actively to the AWOL today.

Back soon
Bliss

OK AWOL, lunch and then over to the B's to collect LouLou. What a beautiful day. Summer! I am so tired but I think it would lovely to go for a stroll.
I had a conversation with M mentioning the situation with D and K and heard my desire to have contact. As a result and also speaking with the B's I think it would be pertinent to let some time pass by and letting the two of them discover a little more comfort between them. Talking with K today she said that she and he spoke more today at the stables than they have over the past 5 years. Perhaps, who knows, I had an influence in that. I called K this afternoon and was able to say to her that I was concerned for her with the levels of her anger. I suggested that she might be the gracious K and the gentle K that I know she is underneath all the anger. And that the anger is a cover for the depth of her hurt. She kept wanting to work out why suddenly D is being more chatty today. She wanted to know if he was having difficulties in his marriage. I said I didn't know. My gosh she's tortured with all of this. And that's when I stopped her and said try to stop working it all out and keep out of what may or may not be going on and simply stick with accepting it at face value and concentrate on her own behaviour and attitude.
Something that really stood out for me on the AWOL was when someone shared about wanting everything my own way. From a very little girl I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now. I didn't take no for an answer either. If I was told no I would find a way to get it anyway. And it's like that now. The same person shared about how in recovery I can't always have what I want. Recovery has to come first and that might mean giving some things up. Now this resonated strongly with regard to the issue of wanting t be friends with D. And also the more my discomfort with it has been sat with the more I have re-thought the situation. I spoke to M as well on my way to the B's. And I talked about it at the B's too. he general consensus that sits comfortably with me is that I need to step back. Develop my friendship with K more and then maybe in the future there might be the possibility of having a friendship with D. I am also aware there is another agenda that is not pure of thought. It is a no go. I still have a pull of "oh but I want...". I just know that it's not appropriate. So what do I do now with regard to having swapped numbers. I will see if he contacts and deal with that at that time I think. 
Another thing I asked about was the right way to make contact with my cousin. Now this was another mind fuck. I had a real yearning to call Nina. She broke the news to me that Uncle Brian died two weeks ago. She had asked my dad to tell me. I spoke with him the Saturday before I went away o holiday and he said nothing. Immediately I realised this I was furious. Over time I've calmed down. Thinking it through it was a blessing really as it would have given me the dilemma of asking the others to return from our holiday early.
I'm really not certain how I'm supposed to feel about Uncle Brian dying. It sounds as if really it was a relief for him in a way. Living in a home, paralysed. Poor Uncle Brian. And Auntie Betty now with dementia. Gosh all the money and nothing has saved them from this. Apparently, according to Nina, Uncle Brian asked Lesley to stay with him as he was afraid. That's so sad that he never found faith amidst all his material world.
How dreadful I feel that I found myself hoping, hoping, hoping that a twinge of something good about him meant that he'd left a little something in his Will for me. How flipping selfish. But also how very human. I am so scared of my financial situation that any way of getting some money is on my mind.
But when I have, for some peculiar reason, detached and distanced from family members. What is it I am meant to feel. My cousin Lisa is dead, my Uncle Brian is dead. I feel strangely very little. I feel sad perhaps? I feel what? What am I meant to say and do?
I asked the B's what they thought I should do. They suggested writing to my cousins, explaining that I was away have just heard the very sad news. I can give them my phone number and invited them to call me.
With regard to my dad. Well I will say something when I am not so mad. Did he and my mum keep things from me when my mum was dying. And I know he was angry with me for not being there and leaving early from her party. I feel dreadful about that as it was really so that I could meet up with SH. I feigned feeling anxious about the numbers of people. My mum's last birthday party. That hurts deep deep inside of me. Tears come to my eyes. I was there to help her with the HR admin thing even though she was high on morphine. And then I was there every day at the hospice. God I truly miss my mum.  I feel so awful that in my illness I brought upon her a lot of worry. I wish that hadn't happened. But I need to be careful not to turn on myself. Not to wallow in anger or self-pity.
So a letter. I need to phone Nina and ask for R, L and N's address. They have their own lives and families so will probably not mind too much about me. It feels important for me to connect. And then there's that horrid little hope of something from the Will. Crazy. Put that right aside.

LouLou is lying on the floor sleeping and wagging her tail in her dream. That makes me smile. That's so important as she is getting older and I'm hating watching that happening. I cannot bear to think of her dying. I don't know how I could deal with her death. I feel fragile around this. She is my constant company here. LouLou is just here and around and I know it. She knows I'm here. This place will feel even worse. Stop projecting. Anything can happen between now and tomorrow.

What a joyful thing. Someone else I've been thinking about a lot has emailed me. My friend R. I haven't heard anything from her in ages. And she sent me this wonderful picture of life itself. My favourite horse of hers Amelie

That's lifted me out of the low mood that was descending, but ever so slightly. There is emotions there of deep sadness.

I think I'm all written out.

Bliss

XX

Family spectres from the past

I instinctively know why family histories are so important to me and yet I don't understand it at all. Having spent most of my life teaching myself to disconnect from "them", I also have this strong urge towards them. I have a hunger to know the family history back through the generations. What is it I am hoping to get from that? I have absolutely know idea and yet when I do learn snippets of the family story it seems good and right. It's as if it explains everything and yet it explains nothings.
Does anyone else have this strange phenomenon.
My dad has always been so rude about family members. My mum often spoke about how we had separated away from them and were Three Fae-things - the name of the house was Three Farthings and she thought it very appropriate as we were so segregated. The segregation's caused contention amids the family - well my mum's anyway. There was jealousy that I can recognise, especially in the last 10 years of my mum's life. It was always there and the back stabbing that went on between the bothers and sisters was annoying t say the least.
Being an only child I did not ad still don't understand this family dynamic between siblings. It is a real alien concept and often I have felt lonely and different. There were many fewer only children. I longed for an older brother and would even be angry with my mu for having just me. I can remember her breaking the news that I would have been the first born although it wasn't said that way. No, it was pointed out that I could never have an older sibling. It was a horrid awakening. I was the eldest!! Oh yuch! And there is a desire to not be the eldest and therefore the responsible one. But even worse was that this was all fantasy anyway. I have no brothers and sisters. Although my dad once said that there is a half sister out there somewhere. Older than me and the child of an earlier relationship. Why on earth would he have told me such things when I was clearly emotionally unable to deal with these kind of matters.

Off to bed. Too tired to ponder this seemingly deep draw towards family knowledge that I have
Bliss
XX 

R.I.P

My mind is amuck with the events of today. Family interaction, death and infinite farewells, Our is not to reason why? But why? I recognise how different I feel from all of "them". The way in which I could just stand there all alone feeling separate and spare. J cackling her laughter and northern utterances of "eeeeee" in remark of this or that. Mark's internal tremble of loss. People not talking with people because of "what about me?". No tears, endless tears. Stoic little girls, lost little girls, left alone little girls. Mrs niceness, broken-heartedness, incredulous sobs, aged resignation, oddity, chatterings, sandwich munchings, feeble mutterings, drinking, smoking, choking. There's nothing I can say. Grant us wisdom. What is this? Anyone? I am battle weary. Relating and remarking and smiling and crying.
I nearly fell asleep on the way home. I actually would not mind if the last breath was taken but I would not want to take the last breath of another.
Shakespeare's Titus is tragedy upon tragedy and violence and meanness. All of which exists in this world in the name of that's how it is. It is how it is. Here and gone again. There surely is nothing beyond. This is it!
People will have their souls black in the words of Shakespeare. Some will turn to the white light. I do not know. I know nothing. Nothing makes sense. Sense means what?
I am tired. Truly tired. It does seem pointless. I feel too tired to go on, truly. But that is not my choice apparently.
Titus: When will this fearful slumber end?

I send love, love, love.

Bliss
XX

Lisa

It's difficult for me to believe that this young woman is now dead.

Bliss
X

R.I.P. Lisa 20Feb70 to 19Sep11

I feel like SCREAMING!!!!!! My cousin dies today at 1pm
I received this text "Bliss Just to let you know we lost our beautiful L at 1pm today speak soon lol x"
I am mixed up with my feelings. I felt a smiling in my eyes. And as I am often reminded people laugh at inappropriate things when they don't know how to react. I cried when thinking of her as a little girl and thinking of her little girls now. Thinking of how a little of the childlike joys and carefree attitude will today have been snuffed out - hopefully there will be passion and adventure and freedom sometime in the near future. I think of my auntie. My uncle. I feel so far away and no rights to feel anything. I want to speak to someone in the family but do not have that contact with anyone. I want to know strange things like what it was like this last few days knowing she was saying goodbye to her lvoed ones. What the fuck? Why do I want to know that??? This is not about me for goodness sake.
I feel angry and loading all my anger on projections with the P. Just somewhere to place the anger. I don't believe in a religious God but I am raging at the religious God. Where the fuck were you then? Huh?
I think it should have been me even though thinking about being in the last hours facing death I have felt a chill of fear run through me. It's not upon me as I write this - completely detached from that fear. I don;t understand why her not me when I have wanted death, invited it. It makes no sense and yet I know the answer to the question too.

My cousin died today.

Ellis

This morning I dreamt I was with my cousin. We were talking gently as she was lying in bed. Ellis was with us, who was born as my mum was dying, so is 11 years old in October. I was playing with her although she barely knows me. I was very conscious that I was holding her by her arms as she swung off the side of the bed. I kept putting her on the bed but she wanted more. L and I were talking about her death and then suddenly she disappeared and became Ellis. These things happen in dreams but I was aware I was dreaming and at the same time wondering where L was and whether she would be coming back. So Ellis and I talked about her mum dying. We spoke very practically and emotionally and I cuddled her when she wanted to be cuddled.
I was so sad. Ellis was very understanding and sensible and very sad too. I woke up at the point when the emotions were more settled.
Things are not good for my cousin. I am praying very hard.

The day before I dreamt I was flying. I was sort of seated though as if on the floor. Everyone could do it but for a limited time. whereas I could do it for an unlimited time. It was just off the ground level really, about waist height. But I think I could have flown higher if I wanted. I glided down a pathway, quite open and over a little bridge, passing people walking in the other direction. I caught up with my brother and sister who were walking along together. My brother didn't like me being behind him.
In real life I don't have a brother and sister. Oh and I can't fly either. I was loving the flying and disappointed to wake from that.

Whilst out walking yesterday A and I noticed smoke billowing, way off in the distance. We joked about it being my flat. So I spent all the time worrying about that although I didn't return any earlier.
Apparently this was a battery factory at Lasham that exploded. My friend who lives there said the explosions were very loud and the smoke very smelly.

 This is simply a pic of the lovely sky

SH is going to the BBQ! I am surprised yet also pleased. This might suggest that there is a shift in his feelings and attitude towards me. I hope so anyway. Whatever his motives though I am pleased that he is going. I hope it is easy going. I am very uncertain how I will deal with the situation. i would like to be ale to say hello face to face early on. And someone suggested that I say something like " S, it's lovely to see you" because it truly would be. I would hope that if emotions has shifted that someday we could at least be friendly towards each other. I am a little anxious too. Well in case there is the ignoring again that feels so nasty and angry. He was s angry and blaming and yet he was a part of it all too. I do regret that I took JB there. I really do. I cannot use this gathering as an opportunity to make amends but I do regret that it turned all so horrible and a battle ground. I would also apologise for that incident. It was once and never again as I knew I would have hated it and actually it would have just been a fuel for the fire amidst all the nastiness. What I hate is that he thought he was entitled to so much more money and begrudged me getting anything out of it at all. Well that's how it seemed to me.

I have feelings of resentment about that and become very defensive. It links in with my lack of worth which is why I was glad to have a solicitor who was not pushy but was willing to stand for my rights. I appreciated that. We didn't go over the top but the amount was agreed. SH even commented that he was surprised I didn't want more and at that time we agreed it was in full and final settlement. But on the very last day his solicitor called saying he wanted an amount of money that I can't remember how much, but it was a significant chunk out of the agreed amount. I asked my solicitor and she said no as we had agreed the amount in full and final settlement. I would never ever want to deal with someone so aggressively horrid around such matters again. I would hope not to have to do that anyway. However, I do think if there is any issue with my dad's will there would be problems with T.

So in writing this I can see I still have feelings around that situation. I feel defensive. Usual thing, me looking at all that I must have done wrong. I was not the only person in the relationship and between us we destroyed it. It wasn't me alone. And I was not and am not a bad person. I make mistakes yes indeed. And I am very insecure. I like a lot of freedom once I am secure within the relationship.

I feel strongly about things like his meanness in temper and his controlling attitude, were all a mush of the dynamics between the two of us. I can see my part and my patterns. It is not up to me to look at his or look at his motives. We tried and it didn't work out. I am sure we wouldn't even get together these days with the changes in me. It was a terrible time. I did have strong feelings for SH and I also loved our little lifestyle. I came to hate the cottage. I loved the first one tough as it was such a wonderful time there.

But things I didn't like to have to witness was the gossip and derogatory way in which he thought and talked about others. He wanted me to be how he wanted me to be. I started out very very insecure and he was patient with all of that. Indeed he helped me to get through the insecurity to the point when I was happy to encourage him to pursue his interests and I supported all the decisions he made about his work etc. He did get very mean though and I started to stand against his attitude towards me, which he really didn't like. What I thought was that he was becoming the man he hated in his father. Yet his father I really liked. Funny isn't it how a person presents. The person who I thought was controlling and vicious was his mum. She had a real soft, gentle, generous side to her. She was ridden with arthritis that had been presenting itself since a very young age, within her twenties. Poor woman. And with it I saw a lot of nastiness. I am not surprised but of course everyone overlooked it. The relationship between M and A must have been so tough in many ways - physical, mental and emotional let alone nothing spiritual - other than apparently M's heavy drinking and violent temper. And then his sister B, who also seemed to be troubled.

So much water under the bridge. SH met a new girlfriend soon after we split up. I think he was seeing her before I started seeing JB. I think that to try and lessen my own guilt. It was all too soon and I realised that very quickly in the Jan07 in Spain. It just wasn't right for me.

And then there was the living in the house with him there too. I was relieved that he made the decision to stay away. It wasn't discussed. Nothing was discussed only shouting arguments. Oh it was a horrid time in my memory. I am slightly afraid of him. Not because I think he will be violent, although he very nearly hit me once. His anger was vile. Other people saw it which was a relief really. I always think I am the problem but when other people said at the time and since how angry and unreasonable he was. That was it, he was unreasonable thinking though that it was me that was unreasonable.

He hated me being on the phone, yet he would be watching a film I didn't want to watch. Admittedly I was on the phone far too much. That was what my dad was like too though. I needed to learn to compromise a little on that. However, things were already not decent between us and that was my escape too. Unreasonable though as rather than talking about the problems I avoided him!

He wanted me to be in more. I was a bit away with the faeries at that time, pursuing things like Tarot etc. And I was going to the Epsom meeting weekly, I went to a meditation ting in Oxford 4 times, I was seeing my sponsor one a week, I saw friends sometimes. It was not unreasonable though as a lot of my time was during the day. He resented that when I was off sick. And ha ha what he didn't even realise as he was so not money astute was that all the time I was contributing monthly! He tried to play that card until he checked all the statements. He didn't even believe me when I told him. That was set up from the very start!! He wasn't good at all that sort of thing or rather not very aware. The way he ran his business and his decisions told me that.

It was so good in the beginning. But I do remember after 6 months begging God not to let the rot set in that I had started feeling. That usual old pattern. Everything that had appeared attractive was all there was. Surface stuff and appearances. We had a year nearly two years of fun though. Growing in our recovery but too much together. I think he resented me re-training and pursuing a new career. He used to get angry that he collected the dogs everyday. But he was in Farnham and I was in Portsmouth - the dogs were in Farnham!! It baffled me. And then when I worked for him! That was the silliest move yet. It was a reprieve after burning out and having a complete low again. It was truly helpful. But it was so flipping boring. The workloads were light for me so when I started taking longer lunch breaks they got annoyed. Rightly so actually. It was taking the piss. However, it was only ever meant to be temporary and 4 days a week. I was paid a pittance. £16k. That's ridiculous. And so when I was looking to leave SH got arsey about that too. He was just getting angrier and angrier with everyone. His parents, his sister, his best friend. Everyone got it and eventually so did I!!

I am taking his inventory now. It's all flowing. But the thing is I was too uncertain to be able to talk about it. I didn't know what to do really. If we talked we ended up screaming at each other. He wanted one way and wanted another. The funny thing is that I really wanted him to be able to do what he wanted and would be there to support him. Of course the anything with my dignity and respect in mind too. Consideration. That's what I needed more of though. As it was getting worse between us I wanted to be away from him more and more. I think. And yet I think I was there most of the time and his expectations became unreasonable.

In the end the best thing happened, we went our separate ways. It should have happened a lot sooner really, before the nastiness really started. However, I think with his desire for money that would have happened anyway. My involvement with JB didn't help matters. SH at least kept his new relationship far away. That is one of my biggest regrets.I also regret that we bought that cottage. It was in desperation to stay in the village. We forced it to happen and really we should have had more faith.

As I am trying to have for Saturday - I will make a decision to turn my will over and trust that what will happen will all be OK whatever happens. I am willing to be friendly and speak if that's possible.

We will see won't we.

Something I have been thinking about recently are the little bouts of dishonesty with JH. I lied about DD asking me to get some "toys". I lied because I was embarrassed that I had purchased them extra to DD's requirement. I was really intrigued by the M/s relationship and being so controlled and punished for non-compliance. I also was untruthful about DD lending me to the horrid Frenchman, with whom JH met me the first time. I had spoke to DD about him but DD didn't lend me. I was intrigued yet again with M/s and so played whilst waiting for DD. Yuch! I feel unclean about such lies. Especially when I was wanting JH to be honest. However, I wanted him to be honest so that he would change. That's no good at all. If wanting someone to change then it is not right. I don't want to be with someone who is having dalliances with anyone else and that's the way JH was. That's not a judgement just not OK for me. So in becoming more honest but when I was so ensconced in all the things I liked about him, I wanted him to change. Whereas honesty from the beginning would ensure that a relationship is seen for what it is right from the start. No false expectations. Courting is so necessary to establish what both parties want and see if they are compatible. But that requires honesty and dealing with preferences etc. I get it so long as I am not involved with it. I need to be much more certain about myself and actually have the loving relationship with me. I am glad to have experienced the M/s as I was truly intrigued but it was not healthy for me. Keeping me in the lower position. I like the loveliness that could be between two people and sexually I learnt a lot, i.e to be more relaxed. However, I would want that but without the roles to hide behind. Others involved in it would not see it that way I guess. Each to their own. It ended up being so unhealthy for me.

Yup! Still working through relationship things but without anger. And be placed to look at my part and move on emotionally. This is good and freeing. JB is done and dusted ages ago. And we have a nice friendship now. Maybe that's why the other two are still things that I work through and take lessons from?? Who knows. I don't think I am hanging onto stuff on a daily basis. I don't think so anyway!!

In the meantime let me focus my energy on my assignment - yup! still not completed. Flipping heck. I am so avoidant!!!!!

Bliss
xx

Who am I to reason why? Help me underdstand please

Please help my cousin! It is so horrid for her. Is it that she is fighting the inevitable too hard that it is being made so worse for her? But fighters often pull through. I don't understand??

Today is the first day I have attached with the emotion around all of this. I have felt for them but I have kept it so separate. And suddenly gush. It's so unfair and unkind and the pain I am witnessing - all of the close family. Bloody hell it really doesn't make sense.
Is it weird to say that I would willingly swap if she could have happy loving time with her family, her little girls. It says to me I don;t give great value to my own life. I never have I suppose.
They say be careful what you wish for. I am just praying ever so ever so hard that by some miracle she recovers. It doesn't sound at all good right now.

Is it Karma or is it just the way it is? I cannot believe she is being punished, she is a good person. Is it because she's needed in Heaven? I don't believe in that either.
It's all too much bigger than little me. Who am I to reason why?


Bliss :(
XX

I just don't get it!

Hi to all our relos and friends
I thought I'd send you another update on our dear L's health and battle against this horrible disease. Perhaps this is the easy way out as we find it upsetting and hard to phone everyone so you'll have to excuse having to read about things.
On Saturday night L had a nasty scare when she found that part of her bowel had came out of the stoma and M took her up to A&E. They kept her in and yesterday she had an operation to replace it back into position and told Mark that it had all gone to plan, they also gave her 3 units of blood on Sunday. The nurse told her last night that her haemoglobin count was only 6.3% when it should be 12.0% something and they do not like it to go down lower then 10% this is all medical talk to me but it does seem quite important that they have got it back up and she did look better for it with some colour back in her face when I saw her last night.
This of course has resulted in her missing her last 2 out the of 10 sessions of radiotherapy down at Maidstone so they are thinking of transferring her to Maidstone Hospital, today perhaps, so she would be on site to receive the last 2 sessions - it still remains to be seen.
The radiotherapy has left her feeling very tired and we have had to get a wheelchair for her as her walking has deteriorated a lot in the last few weeks but the chair has at least made it easier for her to get to the Oncology Unit from the car park.
Luckily M is on holiday this week and was hoping to take the girls out a couple of times and they haven't had must of a summer holiday so far this year and they are hoping to be able to go to stay with some friends on Thursday for a few days, so at least they will be doing something different instead of being at home getting bored.
One day I hope to be able to write a lot happier note with some more positive good news and just hope it will be soon.
We thank you for your concern and best wishes you have sent in the past you have all been so kind.
Love from
A.O & U.R

I opened my emails to this news. She is 41 yrs old - 3 young and lovely little girls!
Last evening E was on the phone, so sad having visited her mum and dads friend G. He has been in her life since she was born and she has always considered him and valued him as someone important in her life. For 6 years now he has been battling with Cancer and now it has won. We were talking last night about this vociferous disease and how it grows and grows sucking life for it's own growth. And yet it kills itself by killing it's prey. Not a very clever disease after all.
I was so sad as I listened to E and thought of L but also of my mum. I was glad to be there when she was so, so ill and then died. I wish I had been more compus mentas though. It was such early days after Sturt and although there I was still not fully there. Anyone who has got themselves into recovery of any sort will probably understand what I mean by that.
I wish I could have spoken with her more and been there when it was getting bad. It seemed all so quick for my mum. She had bowel Cancer. That must have been the tail end of 1999 and into 2000. I went into Sturt in 2000. She died of secondary Cancer in November 2001. It was a horrid fight for her. The chemo was so severe she decided to halt the procedure. I always always regret not staying for her birthday. I was too busy being involved with SH. I helped her in the morning and then cried off the actual party. She must have known it was her last but didn't say anything to me. I can never get that time back or make amends for my absence. And it plays on my heart pain when I think about it.
E said that G is very gracious. He is making it so easy for friends and family to be full of their sorrow. He told E that he is not afraid of dying. It's simply the end of living. But he also doesn't want to go. He feels dreadful for leaving his wife who he is completely in love with. She has been widowed before and he feels guilt for putting her through this again. How very selfless in a selfish sort of way, I thought. I can understand not wanting to go. He is grieving the loss of everything and his friends and family are grieving the loss of him as they know it is soon. How very strange it seems when someone is with it and organising themselves. My mum seemed so out of it. Drugged and then slipped into a coma for a week.
How peculiar - the message from TUT today ...

So much to be thankful for, huh, Bliss?
Yet so little time.
Let me start with you -
    The Universe

So much time I spend worrying about not being attractive or the right shape and not having enough money. And yet this is all so meaningless in the greater scheme of things. All of my life I have had discontentment and disappointment. It's been a funny start I know and that left me with so much distortion. And now as I am readjusting the view it makes sense to be grateful and enjoy what is good than look at what is missing or not quite right.
I moan about the work, home, study triangle.
I am grateful for the car I have and can afford just enough to get me to work and home again. This enables to have a ob that I enjoy with people I like working with which happens to be a bit of a drive away. It also enables me to get LouLou cared for during the day from wonderful and generous friends. The job gives me money that makes this social world tick. I can afford heating and so on so that my home is comfortable. I have fabulous views - a display of colours every evening and morning - and a very pleasant roof over my head. I can live in this peaceful and pleasant village because of all the things I have to help me get about and because I can pay the rent.
I have funds to get out and about now and again. Galleries, little holidays for example.
I can do my studying which is so interesting and keeps my mind active and interested in the world and the way it works.
I meet fascinating people. People come and they go. The going leaves room for more and new to come in. I am never ever bored.
I can observe myself through my emotions and the thinking that I do, which I think is a very special gift from God, the universe and everything - becoming more consciously aware of self. It is so interesting.
I feel uplifted just thinking about the things that I am grateful for. There isn't time to experience everything and understand all. But I can stay present and enjoy this gift rather than fritter away time worrying about tomorrow or what I haven't got or what isn't quite right. There will always be something that isn't
After all if you look for the cracks in the walls you will find them as they are there. However, there is the rest of the wall and beyond!
What I cannot reconcile is why bad things happen to good people. It seems mean to bring such awful suffering to people that were just going about living their lives.
The Soham girls always springs to my mind. And when people say it is meant to be I do not buy into that. I can accept synchronicity, but it is meant to be! Nah! An evil man murdered those two little girls, that is not meant to be surely. It suggests that God is on charge of everything all of the time. He gave man freewill if we take from the meaning of Genesis. And man is doing with his freewill some destructive things. Lessons? For the good of mankind overall or gradually the extinction of man by man. Perhaps the few that reach Nirvana or peaceful knowing live on as the gentle giants such as dolphins and whales. I know that is random. It is a result of watching a wonderful programme about dolphins and whales. Their way of working together and their apparent emotional peace. And someone said perhaps they are the ones that found peace and decided to return to the sea and stop destroying the world like man is doing. It was disregarded with disdain and contempt. But it made me smile and I had a sense of knowing what was meant.
But why should people be killed off that are good? Perhaps it is simply the destruction of man is not choosy. It doesn't select particularly evil actors because actually it is the race as a whole.
There are no lessons to be learnt unless we learn them. I do not change fast enough to make a difference. I am still greedy for things and experiences. I want to learn and grow but look to externals for this development. I am not developed enough to be able to learn from within. I want money and things (not so much things). I want comfort and security. If only I could simplify and trust more and more. I mix with people who in the main are similar to me. I could move beyond these circles and therefore remove the competitiveness in me and become more content with just how things are.
You see then I am not being grateful for what I have got instead seeking something else. If that becomes possible as a peace within me then it will be so. I can start simplifying once again. I did it before and enjoyed the freedom I felt. Gradually I will work towards this.

I had a dream but have forgotten it yet it seemed so important when I was in the midst of the dream. Oh well.


Bliss
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Prison of geneology

Outram Road Prison

Dog poo

"Hi - just thought we'd bring you up-to-date with the latest development on Lisa's treatment. To recap she was referred to a specialist at the Royal Marsden Hospital a couple of weeks ago by her consultant at Maidstone. The man at the Royal couldn't really help with surgery at the moment but has called in another man - Professor Stan Kaye - one of the top men in this field. He has seen her case history and has now taken her on board by recommending another spell of chemo and he has liaised with the team at Maidstone who will be administering this treatment but under his guidance. She has to go to Maidstone next week to see the consultant there who will inform her of when it will be started etc. Hopefully this will be successful but the professor did add that if it does not have the answer then she will go to the Royal Marsden and join his drug trials he is in charge of.


Will keep you informed of any future developments and only hope that it will all good news from now on!Thanks for your interest and kind messages . . . "
L&R
 
I received this from my aunt and uncle. I feel better on occasions that I have direct contact with my cousin. I felt so, so sad when she was explaining her situation. I think my uncle who sent the general statement email is just not able to connect witht he enormity of his emotions about this. He stays very cold. I can;t say I blame him. And my aunt is just beside herself. It seems sort of unbelievable to me.
 
It really is at the stage when the Consultant is now trialling unlicensed drugs. My cousin said she would eat dog poo if she thought it would work. I cried for her. And for her girls.
What I wondered is how come when I have wanted to die, she is dying and only aged 41 years. Of course this adds to my confusion about why bad things happen to good people. I know, I know. We are to wonder why? We do not know nor understand the purpose. I prayed for my mum to be present for my cousin. And it was after that I dreamt of her skin on my skin. I could really feel her. It was lovely. I love those dreams. I miss my mum.
 
Bliss
X

My Dad's Birthday

I called my dad yesterday! I remained adult whilst talking with him but also I noticed it's as if if I put on a plastic coating so that anything he might say (or not say) slips off me. Off course when the coating comes off after the call I crumble. And the coating can take a few days sometimes to come off.
But I am not crumbling at the moment. It disappoints me about me that I try to provoked an emotional response from him. We talk about nothing deeper than superficial nonsense. There is a format. I ask how he is, he tells me about his hospital visits. Then he asks me if I have heard from anyone and I always try and give the bad news to try and get him to show something like caring. He then comes back with something worse.
He also always has to attribute his ailments to something he picked up whilst in Korea.
He did ask me what I have been doing ... I keep it very vague. I haven't really been doing much it seems of a big nature so that it sounds like big news. That's what I have always been like - needing to have done wild things or large things to make myself interesting. But I have been working hard and preparing to negotiate with my bosses. I had a lovely evening at the theatre, I am feeling better just recently (will be glad when menopause symptoms have left me completely), my boyfriend and I have separated and I am trying to allow myself to heal and at the same time wishing to remain friends (this is really emotionally enormous), I have spent time with friends, I have been investing a lot more time into my studying and to my recovery, I am trying to save money to spend on travels, I have been discovering and being shown some lovely art and finding more and more interest. These are just examples of things that contribute to who I am and my dad doesn't have a clue.
I had mentioned to him, on the last occasion we met, that I have been writing poetry. He then spoke about his poetry writing. His is mainly sarcasm actually. It can be funny but really it is quite mean as it is at the expense of other people.
So the conversation ended with him not being available to meet today. I wish I had sent a card. I thought about it with intention  to send one. But I am so flipping lazy with these things. I always leave it until the last minute and then its too late. I used to be like that with my mum too. I don;t know why it is. I have them in my mind and it matters to me but I just don't do it.

I spoke with JH as well. I had sent a message earlier in the day because I am getting more and more calm as the days go by and my acceptance seeps in. I wrote about how sorry I am for my behaviour in reaction to all that had gone on.
We weren't able to actually talk. That's OK. Perhaps another time. It's less and less important. I am sorry for my part which is separate from my broken heart. I feel the loss and sadness still. But the acceptance of JH as is makes it a little easier. And with distance I can just be how I prefer me to be.
I hope he is able to ask his daughter how things are and have been for her. It would be an ideal opportunity to allow her to express herself in all of what has been going on. I know JH has worked hard and been taking professional support. It would be great if he could hear what his daughter thinks and feels and help her get to some acceptance with clear explanations and stability. I say this as he had mentioned how she withdraws and that he thinks she is saying positive things to her mum to please her. It would be good to know the truth from her rather than assume was my immediate thought. It's lovely that JH is taking time for his kids. I think with his work and probably a lot of online time and interest in women too has perhaps meant he is less available. But I hear in JH how much he wants to be good for everyone and then spreads himself thin.
I also know from JH how his place in the forest is a sanctuary for him. So I hope for him that it's restful time and fun and like breathing clean fresh air in to get rid of the illness he has. Recoup and re-energise.
I hope for only good for JH. I know that if he can use CoDA things can only get better and better.

I did a chair on Friday. I was invited because they have chairs from within the group. But I felt very honoured on the basis that it was only my second visit. I loved the fact that they keep the focus on feelings and when it was said that it's only a 10 minute share and we concentrate on feelings I was relieved and grateful. I have so many BIG emotions and some I just don't really know.
I shared about how I had been talking over lunch about a particular drunken occasion of mine and I was laughing at the memory of it. I noticed though a stony faced look on my lunch time fellows. Not alcoholics they did not really laugh at the past the way I was. And that's what AA has given me the ability to look back and be able to laugh without shame anymore. I have moved away from that. Although things like that were really me finding ways of expressing my adventurous and penned in self. It was like I found freedom but the only way I was able to allow myself was if inebriated. I still have a sort of pride about some antics. It's interesting. I don't want that sort of behaviour anymore but I do relish the freedom to be wild.

Now, I am avoiding starting my studies. A day of cleaning yesterday. Turning the place upside down. Partly it is because I actually cannot abide living here whilst I have these flipping moths. So everything has to be turned out regularly and hoovered. I don;t always turn out cupboards to hoover you see. That seems like too big a job to do on a regular basis. But now I am going to have to. Grrrrr.
I also walked a lot and wrote a lot.
I did not do any studying.

This afternoon LouLou is gong to the vet. I do not trust this vets. But they know her history now - I have to let them know I think that I am feeling anxious about the things that they have seemingly been negligent of in the past. They know about one occasion but I feel I need to remind them as it's such a big practice.
I can see LouLou ageing by the week at the moment. I love her so much. She has been with me through important years. I hope she will be with me for many more to come. 12 and will be 13 in November.

I have just received photos from my cousins birthday. It seems so sad to see her with no hair and so thin. She looks tired and old actually. She is 10 years younger than me. I am told that the chemo and the radiotherapy have not worked at all and the next option is to operate but it's such a  strange Cancer that has wrapped itself around her artery near her kidney. So an operation is very dangerous. No one has actually mentioned the possibility that there is a possibility that she is not going to survive very long. It's the unmentionable and yet there is more communication from Auntie O and Uncle R with a tone in there voice.
It's like a superstition that to mention the word death might bring it on.
I don;t know if its a general rule of thumb but I have noticed that in my mum's family they die shortly after their birthdays. In her photo she look thin and tired and grey but she is still smiling and up and about doing things. I think this is going to be tough year/ Gosh how can this happen so young. I know it does but it seems so close now. It happens to people further away from me usually.
It's odd I feel a sort of numbness about it. I have not been close with my family through anger really and through teaching. I am very negative about my family. I think I picked up the shame that my dad feels about people. I do not like it - it's judgemental and ugly. A lifetime of it seems difficult to shift.

I leave now very thoughtful and sad
Bliss
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