Letter to Norway

I am well. I have made a good start now to my essay. Just getting ideas onto paper before then redrafting hopefully tonight and tomorrow to then send it off by latest midnight. Really it needs to be in by midday. Realised YET AGAIN how much angst I get into when it's essay tiem and how this angst distorts my views on everything. I get frustrated and I seem to have to place it somewhere and this time it was FA and recovery generally that seemed to get the anger from me. Thankfully I didn't relapse and managed to keep the basics going.
I am feelling pressured by my sponsor to get to meetings but it's me that feels pressured because I am making a choice currently to keep my time for studying. I known what she says I would say though - meetings are vitally important and without them recovery slips and without recovery I'm in the food and crazy! What  realise is that she is not pressurising me at all, she is merely suggesting even though it sounds like it's what she wants me to do. Therefore, I know its me that feels pressurised for not doing what would make her happy with me. Glad to take responsibility for myself and if she doesn't want to sponsor me or gets cross or frustrated with me that's for her to feel and deal with. She can tell me but she doesn't. Yes happy to see this.
I have not yet established what this means to me in terms of study versus meetings, as my studying is important. It's cost a lot of money and a big investment of time and to be honest blood sweat tears too. So I'm unsure at this time how best to manage it. I am making a choice right now and therfore can expect my recovery to be a bit nore shaky. However, I do the basics with God in my life and hold firm that there is always a way through so long as I DO NOT pick up food. I got into and out of a relationship without relapsing and learnt masses from it despite being warned that it was potential for relapse and craziness. There were crazy times and close calls but I got through it and stronger as a result.
So I must take responsibility for the risks I put my under - today I feel stronger again and thank God for giving me that strength and carrying me through recent days of what seemed like turmoil and close calls! Thank you God for keeping me abstinent. I am truly grateful

Bliss
XX

Positions and Dilemmas

I have realised that my dilemma of principles versus greed and fear also involves anger. This has added a question to my quandary; am I cutting my nose to spite my face? I was just not equipped to manage the onslaught of LK when she took over as ATP Team Leader. Interestingly she insisted her job title was manager ad I conceded to this as she was very insistent but the job advertised is Team Leader and PD was Team Leader so I don't think now that she was right. To be honest it's a word thing but it seemed to mean so much to her that I had interpreted it to have meaning too and afforded her more importance in my skewed view of this authoritarian world we live in. Well according to my perception of things anyway.

It's fear yet again. Status and grandiosity and I am afraid of those people. Bloody hell I see as always where it comes from. It describes my dad not just who he thought he was an yet I saw through this time and time again. I was ashamed of him and played the lies with him because I was already indoctrinated by him that it mattered. I transferred that to LK and I do that everywhere. I do it with PD as well and actually with him there is a difference because at times I see the kind-hearted, caring him too. There are many ideas of his that I find bigoted and similar to my dad. Then there are other factors that for me are redeeming. I am feeling more gratitude for my job with him today having come up against this dilemma of job interviews and principles etc.

So I think if anything this Priory job application situation has at least shown me my gratitude for where I am despite the difficulties I have. The difficulties I have include how PD tells me how to or how not to feel my emotions. When he does this with the clients it infuriates me, after all hat's what's happened to them all their lives in the main and here's another person doing the same thing but this time under the label of treatment. Of course in the long run he's right, for example I realised yesterday how angry I feel with the priory and FC and PT too. I had such a difficult time when working for LK. I was difficult for her too I am very aware. I was always suspicious of her ethical practice and the little I have heard about how that escalated after the time I had left, well, it appals me!

No one listened seemed to listen to me and even when PT did seem to know what was going on he couldn't help me or support me int he way I needed him to. I needed someone to bring it to a stop and eventually I had to leave because it was not going to stop in the time before I was going to sink completely. What's worse is that because no one seemed to notice in the way I was noticing, I thought I MUST be wrong. I am disappointed in that, disappointed too, that I did not have the strength to stick to my convictions and principles.

Now I wonder if I would have the strength once again. PD mentioned only being able to do something about anything from the inside. Actually I agreed with him. The question is whether I have the energy and the inclination. I think I'd rather conserve the energy to develop my own business and complete my degree. I could do this more easily whilst with PD. I see that it would be better for me to stay with PD and learn to get over my difficulties. What an opportunity for gratitude and growth too.

It was great though to see my anger in myself because it comes out in spitful spite and seething vitriol. I just feel completely negative about the Priory group. They do not in anyway invest in their staff and I think that's pitiful. People work their socks off for them. Some don't, of course, there are always the shirkers. But with good strong management, the hard workers can be noticed and those that aren't can be brought into tow. For example I'm very aware that AW isn't a hard worker. She wants to do as little as possible, whereas SH works very hard at the things she works very hard at. However, it can be recognised that computers and the telephone are responsibilities within the team that AW is really not happy with doing. So, if it's a part of the job then she could be offered assistance to improve her techniques and skills. Just giving her the task to do and realising she finds elements of it frightening is not enough to leave her to it. If then she refuses to take on her fair share it needs to be discussed further either to find ways to do it or to take on the load of others in different ways to make time for them to do her extra workload.

Just airing my staff management ideas in thoughtfulness for the interview. So, you can see despite not wanting to work there I am hoping to do the best I can for the interview. I am going to the interview for one thing. Two days ago I was withdrawing my application. How things change. Some of which is linked with the concern of being out of work completely if PD decides finally to close shop. The options then are to be out of work and seeing how I could manage on the dole, which by all accounts is harder than the last time I was on benefits. I was on sick benefits, which I suspect would be better than the job seekers, or whatever it's called these days.

Being on benefits would afford me more time to complete my degree. That would be a benefit. And there would more time to promote my business and get things underway. A distinct lack of self-belief rushed in as I wrote that. I would like to get some more training but can't afford the time until my degree is over and if I was out of work I wouldn't be able to afford the courses. An increase in pay would help towards a new car, which is becoming much needed. More income would help with affording my trip to Singapore and also to starting a bundle of training. I would like to become more therapeutically knowledgeable. Benefits would give me more time an when I'm tired of travelling and tired because of lack of sleep and stressed to get my studying done, then this benefit of time seems appealing. Then, if I think it on further from that, I would have a lot less money. Rent I am guessing could be paid and other bills but there would still be utility bills and food bills. I doubt there would be anything left over for the odd trip to London and certainly no savings for holidays.

One thing I am sure about is, if PD continues I will continue with him and practice getting through the difficulties I have and try to practice more gratitude. I am allowed to have my moans I guess. Ultimately, I love PD. He's a good man and means well too. Sometimes he bloody infuriates me. I was so angry yesterday when he told me that I mustn't be angry with the Priory. I see PD get angry but he squashes his anger I believe and he tells me ad clients to do that too. I wanted to bloody bite his head off when he told me I must let go. I had just realised the extent of my anger for goodness sake and yes ultimately I need to let go. I KNOW that. But boy first of all hear me and let me process my anger to accepting me and them and letting go. I am glad to realise how angry I am and I constantly get infuriated with PD for shutting peoples feelings down. He often doesn't even acknowledge the sadness before he's telling them to think and feel a different way. I have learnt with help to follow that and ask the clients how they feel about what PD has said. Of course they are rarely able to say how they really feel. It's these kind of things then I end up criticising him for mentally. I have to constantly practise moving away as it is just another approach. Reveal the emotion and change the thinking so you feel differently. Heartless to me but swift and practical CBT type approach. It has value though.

I also criticise him for not being so emotionally intelligent but he is bloody practical and can see a different way forward. The thing then is he only sees that way forward and there is no room for people to disagree. It's his way or the highway. He's the same about his own recovery. See that's me judging and criticising. Please God remove this from me as it seems I just don't know how to however much I try. Smiling at myself gently thinking poor little me. I lived, you see, with my dad who did nothing but judge and criticise people. We'd have guests and as soon as they left the house, my m um dad and later I would sit and judge them - always negatively. I know what that's about but having learnt it so thoroughly I find it difficult to arrest.

So I am very, very certain that if PD continues with the business I will too. If not I will apply myself to these forthcoming interviews and see what happens. If neither of those come to fruition I am at the drawing board. I will spend time promoting my business and see what happens with that. I guess God will guide all of this. I trust God will guide all of this. I will start looking for part time jobs I think so that I can continue working for myself and perhaps be entitled to some Government financial support perhaps - who knows?? ML gets some rent contribution so it's possible if there's no income.

I also have realised today that I put money and commitment to the art group over FA. I also am putting my studying on Sundays before FA. It's as if when my Uni comes to a close then I will really commit to FA. I need to discuss this with my sponsor but am loathe to because in every other way I feel committed because I am too scared not to be. I want to stand up though and take responsibility for this now I have realised it. I don;t mean with gay abandon and ego. Just to own my recovery exactly as it is. Thank you God for clarity as I have been even manipulating myself. I am not ready therefore for a full commitment. The Saturday meeting comes second to other things. And unless the AWOL is convenient for me that too. I don't feel clever about but at least honest. Perhaps my sponsor won't want to sponsor me under those conditions - then what??

Well God, please guide me. Thank you for keeping me abstinent today, despite myself. I am abstinent of food but not pure of thought. Thank you for continuing to give me clarity. You have an endless love and resource and I take, take, take. I'm not all take am I? I give back in various ways, I really do. I can do more, I know. When my degree is over ...... ha ha ha. I am joking with you God. It's not bad to have this focus of study is it and that it does fill my time other than work even when I'm skiving off, it's always in my mind. I could be doing that better too.

Please, please guide me God to be the best I can for you. It starts with honesty.

Thank you God for the gifts you give me.

Bliss
XX

Negotiating the sale of my soul to the devil

I have had a real awakening this morning. I DO NOT want to work for the Priory. I can't take back applying for the job in the first place but I have this morning been thankful for the experience because it has revealed to me how easily I will sell my soul to the devil - on a couple of matters as well. 1 is greed, but I am seeing my principles are actually bigger these days than my greed. And for that I am grateful too. 2 Because PD kept on and on to apply even when he was first leaving. I am frustrated with myself that I allowed his voice to infiltrate and oddly its a similar voice to that of my mum and dad - security, corporate, selfish usefulness really. I don't want to put my mum in that last bracket actually - she did her work with passion.
There is a number 3 point as well, the fear of being out of work is there at times. If PD should fold up and I have been getting very drained working for him - he and I are so very different although PD is very kind to people. We had someone with us completely free of charge for 7 months. And he gives the odd free day when we genuinely know people are struggling. I would do more but that's why I will NEVER EVER be rich
Hey ho!
But I took his projections and re-hashed them. He doesn't think I know anything about business at all which doesn't matter but I did give him back my projections. My suggestion has been far more modest than his. I have costed in a salary for him and another 4 day a week therapist and then myself. I have suggested he would need another two years worth of funding which is higher than the amount he's asked for and I have projected lower intake of clients than he would like. When I costed the therapist I removed my name so that it looked like he didn't have to worry about me personally because he does. Some of his issues are sleepless nights because he worries about putting me out of work BUT I'd rather be out of work than work for the Priory and I've come to realise it. I was angry with myself earlier for even applying because I've been negotiating the sale of my soul with the devil.
However, this morning after my quiet time I am grateful to see clearly. My pride will be hurt if they don't offer and my pride is hurt that I even applied in the first place because it's evidence to the world of my greed. But there's better things than my pride, is my humility and grace.
I have a mind to call today and withdraw my application. And then I think let it ride but I think it would be harder to say thanks but no thanks knowing that I have been swayed by greed and fear. What I know is that the incongruence is greater than greed and fear. And I am so so thankful to see this and really feel it I worked for a corporate for the "best" years of my life in the sense of the days when I was super energised (youth) and super passionate. I did it because of many influences and I made good at it and was successful. It took its toll on my soul though. Always always I had the battle with my conscience, my principles, my values. And here I have a louder conscience today. I do not have to be fearful of my mum and dad's opinion. Often PD sounds like my dad, even say my name the same way my dad did and even has little sayings the same. I am losing my fear of him though. I am gaining a stronger sense of myself. And again am grateful to see how influenced I can still be by that fear of a false "god" within me.
What do you think? Withdraw my application or let it ride and receive the probable rejection anyway or thank them and say no thank you if by some fluke I am offered the job? When I was thinking about this earlier I was just cross for having applied but then realised I had to go through this process to really SEE - And then it just came to me I could withdraw - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not. And the odd thing is that if PD should close I am less troubled by that then I have been about applying for this job. Applying for the Prinsted job dos not give me the trouble this one has. I am so glad I understand what the trouble is now. I am a decent person. I do this job because I care about people not money. And I am glad it's been revealed to me that I am a decent person. My principles do not match the principles of the Priory. Doesn't make them wrong by the way it's merely a mismatch I think there are some wonderful people there. I loved seeing some of them again and I miss them. Even the "funny" folk with bad tempers - I know they care. I would hope to somehow have contact with them on a professional basis at least. Today I have three clients for my private practice. I have one who had to postpone a session as well. That one and one other today would be Skype sessions - so I don't even have to travel. Tax wise this is problematic.
It may be better for me to go self employed with PD but he is really loathe to do that for some reason. PD is really loathe to do that - not sure why but I think he fears my business will supercede his. What he doesn't know is that I would prioritise his business when I'm there and mine when not. It is divided of course. But it is anyway - I am working towards my own business. And that was another thing I know would delay further my own business. Although I was thinking working there would be good for securing better contacts. Ugh more selling my soul!!!
I can develop contacts openly and genuinely without needing that STATUS to be a somebody. Ugh ugh ugh. I am so glad this has all been revealed to me. I could feel it but couldn't quite get clarity and now I have  - there's probably more to be revealed but thank goodness this has opened up clearly. I keep asking myself if I'm seeing it like this on purpose to avoid rejection - yes I don't want not to be wanted but I think that's human. I don't want to be the one that rejects. I think I should withdraw my application. What a scary thing to do. I need to rapidly check this out with a few people because if I am to do it I need to call early this morning .... I suddenly feel clear in my head apart from this last question. I know that I DO NOT want to work for the Priory and I feel entirely settled within - that is the right thing for me. Goodness my mum and dad on earth would be having a fit right now. Mind you my dad never got over me leaving British Airways despite my success in Hogg Rob and then in latter years he completely gave up after I left Hogg Rob - just more fodder for his utter disappointment in me as a human being - the first being born the second being born a girl. He and I had very little chance of hitting it off ever really. Poor him, what a life of trying to get through it with such hatred for everything and everyone. I suppose that's why I shed a tear when I remember him laughing. When he laughed he laughed from the very core and it was genuine. I pray for that soul that was mainly trapped within him. I do not want to die in that way and I think with all the help and love I get my soul is being freed - yipppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I hope you don't mind me having ranted this out. I wanted it to be witnessed. I don't expect you to have read any of it at all. So don't worry about needing to reply but of course if there's anything you feel like saying please do.
If you have an opinion about withdrawing my application I'd appreciate that too.

THANK YOU GOD. I am so glad I reach out to you.

My friend suggests the following ....

morning.. I am not sure about withdrawing - u know all the above, as do friends. i may complete the process and wait to hear. if u get offered it u can let them does gently and politely. take offer away and consider and then give less emotionally charged thanks but no thanks. Distance - working on own business expansion, move.away from client work etc etc. if a rejection you can ask for feedback and keep on good terms re futures. picking up secondary work etc etc. They need know none of above. You need not explain or justify. know own current and preferred area of work and that is more client contact etc etc etc. Money bureaucracy etc your personal view. I said none of that to the art job was rejected from and kept doors open. Rejection is hard but think of hp universe etc. sometimes reasons beyond our knowledge and wot is it our will that sometimes gets in way so just let it play out. and if u get rejected no decision to make. if not 'phew' in head but keep good relations. Albeit if offered that I still think likely - client work prob key get out and apologise for change of heart but would rather say now than join and then unsettle team further by leaving.

There is my pride feeling pinched that this person comes up with some sensible ideas and not me. Ha ha ha. Please God remove my pride.

Bliss
x

That was wrong of me.

Thank you God I can see.
I'm not clear what to do now so please guide me so that I can do only the bests for other people.

What can I see? My part in the flow of things. It gets clearer and I hope it's clearer for good so long as I keep working away at my spiritual recovery.
Okay what I see is this, my part in the flow of interactions and specifically I will refer to Friday. I hope not to bore in the process as it's connected with dear ol' PD and work. I am a constant critic of PD's style. I think he's directive and shuts people down. It irritates me, sometimes infuriates me and I think because for so long I was shut down and I shut people down and now I am learning that people have their feelings. And yet there I was in this little process not liking his anger. Actually he said "I am fucking furious".
Okay details. We were in group and I had suggested that a peer ask his group what they thought of him. Some people are forthcoming and expressed their thoughts, others need encouragement to share. Whilst those who won't easily share were quiet PD jumped in and started telling the person what they needed to think and feel, which irritates the hell out of me, but also was not encouraging the others to share their considerations of this persons question. And so I interrupted him basically because I was feeling angry with him for not seeing it. I saw his flash of fury and then stay shut down for the rest of the group. After the group when we usually sit down and process, he didn't want to discuss anything. He said right then I have to get on as R is arriving. I was surprised and asked about processing the group to which he said no was there anything I thought needed processing and i said yes loads. He said such as. And I said well you seemed angry, which was the point when he said he was fucking furious. I was immediately shocked at the extent of his fury but also understood. It's great because I also wanted to shut down his anger but didn't entirely. He said he didn't want to talk about there and then so I said okay, and he he went onto to say that I am de-skilling him and  we're working at different levels here and it's not okay. He's right. And I can see how my thoughts and feelings about his style are coming out in my practice. I create a friction between us that the group will pick up on.He is right and was wrong in this action I took. What I need to do is after the group talk about my feelings about interactions. I often feel angry when a client is just expressing their feelings and PD starts telling them what to do. But as my sponsor says I need to focus on the clients reaction to PD and not work against him instead work with what he presents and keep aware of my emotions and how I respond with them. I have been reacting to emotions not fully acknowledging them and instead becoming the protector of the clients emotions. This is great to see.
Now I need to make amends. I will say to PD tomorrow that he was right in what you've picked up and it was wrong of me.
I have to let go of wanting him owning his part in things. I just say my amends and that's it and listen.
And speaking with S, I can be light about it and say, that was wrong of me on Friday and I'm  really sorry.
That was wrong of me and I am sorry. That's all it takes.
An the other area of growth and self-awareness is that I need to start saying during the processing of the groups that I was feeling angry about xxxx, and see what happens.
Oh God thank you for showing me, for opening my eyes more and more

Bliss
XX

Pussy Footing Around Anger

What is the feeling beneath the anger?
There are a couple of people at the frosty Friday meet that I sit and get really angry with. I an recall the first time I got really really angry was a few years ago and look how I ma still holding on to it. I had taken on teas and coffees with everyone's knowledge that I couldn't get there until about 7:40. Then C came along and angrily made hints about the T&C person needing to get there early to open up and how she had been sitting outside freezing. In the other business moment, I suggested I hand in the commitment despite everyone knowing my arrival time in advance of me taking the commitment on. I laughed inwardly as the group voted me in to continue. C was huffy and has been with me ever since. I know it's not personal because she's huffy and rude with a number of people at different times.
Last night she wanted me to give her information about someone else and when I said I had no idea she accused me of sitting on the fence. What I wanted to do was slap her and then tell her to f-off. What I did say is that I really don't know any information and then I was angry with myself because that would imply that if I did I would say something. I wouldn't. I don't like gossip and saying anything about anyone without their say-so can be tantamount to gossip. I wished I had the ability to find something light to say with a smile like "hey C are you asking me to gossip?"
But knowing that anger is very often a secondary emotion, a coping emotion, I wonder what is going on underneath. Fear? Yes I have fear of them gossipping about me and then people will believe it and I'll be considered a bad person. All the business with the bloody pot was irritating, mind you I had messed it up somewhat and of course I wouldn't want people to know that. But I did own it and signed it off and have since been putting extra amounts in every pot, when I have it.
I don't like them actually. I think they are rude and controlling and self-righteous. So there I am angrily judging them. How to just love and accept them as they are? God show me how please.
If I were to see them through your eyes God .... how would I see them. Sometimes I see them with pity and that's not fair. I see C shaking as she tries to pick things up and K has aged recently. Then they go an say something that seems spiteful for example because someone has walked away from the meeting after being treated rudely, C said in a nasty tone "she'll drink!". In my opinion I think that's said without mindfulness. And K insinuated it's even worse because her sponsor is away right now. How flipping gossipy is that. Did I say anything? No not a word. What could I have said. I would often in the past lash out in defence but at least I didn't do that. Defend the underdog.
Maybe it isn't just a secondary emotion, maybe I am appropriately angry but what on earth am I to do about it. I will not be there next week thank goodness. And I am no longer the secretary for Saturday so don't have to hold the key - that's a different issue but just entered my mind.
I don't know the traditions well enough to know what's healthy orderliness here and them just bossing everyone around to do the meeting their way. K says he has seen the best of AA and it's going. It's just change. They do not see that. People seem to condemn new and different. I think so long as the traditions are being upheld there is room for change and update.
What is it that they trigger in me. It is this control that they have and that they are right. I am sure it's in me too and where else. I see with P how he can believe something and impose the thought or idea on me or others as if we should think the same way, without even a consideration for difference and different being okay.
It irritates me no end.
Yes it's this severity of control when it's so subtle at times and yet not in other ways. I spent my life with that I think and have no idea how to have a voice against it.
I think that's it the fear is that I was not able to have a voice. What was I afraid of? What would have happened to me? I got told off a lot and just clamped down upon, told I was wrong and shown I was wrong. Any idea I had was stupid or not even given any regard. My emotion were not even acknowledged and I am afraid if I speak up I will say it all wrong and be knocked down for things I haven't said or worse still be publicly told I am wrong and stupid. I am afraid to have my say.
My say would be that I felt it inappropriate that a request was dealt with quite rudely across the room and with newcomers in the room.I am also unhappy with the amount of gossip both in the room and outside of the room and disappointed to hear that people outside are gossipping and saying how bad the meeting is. And worse still the talk I hear involves certain personalities. I'd like to say all of that and perhaps I need to run this by my sponsor.
It's not the protection of the meeting I am interested in really, it's the learning about me.
How to say things or whether I should simply stay quiet.

S said something and H said something too.
Keep my eyes on my own business not anyone else's and it's just not the way I do my recovery.
If I can keep my focus on those things do I need to say anything and do I even need to continue attending.
I would like to be going to meetings to be learning about the Big Book and about my alcohol-ism and about the solutions in getting well. I do not hear that in the meeting.
I have resentment with C and K. I really do. I don't want to have resentment though. I actually prayed for them this morning without being told to. That's progress.
I do pray for them God. And please show me the way forward.
Help me understand me please.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to explore this. Without these people including P, behaving the way they do I would not be able to find out about me and how to change.

Thank you

Bliss
XX

Budgeting fuss

First of all I'm going to be a fussbudget about fussbudgets. It's so boring listening to people who are needlessly complaining about other people or things. It's an indication of  anger levels in my opinion. And anger that goes denied. More and more anger is less attractive. I used unconsciously be attracted to angry people. It somehow, I think, was a substitute for passion. I used to think my frustrations and anger were indications of my passion about things; wanting to stand forth as the voice for the under fellows for example. And I smile because I needed to make a point about this with a sort of needless fault-finding attitude. But there it is said and acknowledged and now I can let got and love these people just for being who they are.
I was talking with a fellow trekker this morning. She was talking about realising her anger and sadness about being treateted with inequality and being undervalued. It made me think about me in the same situation and when to accept people and injustice and when is it time to not accept and work towards changes. Whether the change be simply leaving the situation as soon as feasibly possible, or working within it for whatever reason. As with LK, it was bullying, mainly directed at me until I left and then someone else. It wasn't personal even though she thought it was and so did I. And now here with PD, his insecurity I can clearly see comes out as control and actually irrational. He blames me when he's asking me to do things he doesn't flow through on himself. That injustice is infuriating. And then when he doesn't follow through I simply carry on disregarding his request thinking well if you're not going to do as you want me to then why should I. I cane remember that as a child too. My dad would make stupid rules and expect me to follow them through when he did the opposite himself.  It's only later I've learnt that this is unjust and that it brings up I. Me anger which manifests as stubbornness and an attitude of indifference even mockery. Well I've stopped the acting out in stubbornness and mockery. But I still do feel angry and then get to jungle-tied in saying how I feel about this. I will try and raise it again in supervision and see if I can get some help in unpicking it.
Also then I can ask for some guidance on him wanting me to drop some of the regular individual sessions I do but what would be wrong I seeing if they want to see me out of hours in my own little practice or would that be stealing the clients. But if I am to drop hem does he want me to refer them on? Seems silly to me but I will find out what he thinks is best for AC and PD. At least with a supervisor present I will find out if I'm being irrational or not.
But it's good to recognise the emotions not that I hadn't but also to have the emotions out into perspective and have words to describe how I feel. When actually this sort of thing has gone on for years without real explanation.
I feel so lucky to have the fellowship to explore this stuff and work things out. There's nothing more frustrating than a sense of powerlessness which comes with injustice.

I also reloaded I. Thinking about why I was feeling irritated by my sponsors comments about meetings linked with me going away for a weekend to stay with my friend. I do not have the funds to get to an FA meeting every week. Once a month I think for me is reasonable. And then I feel guilty about saving up to go away for a weekend and having the money to treat my friend to a meal. Not equally I don't go away every weekend, it's a treat. I make sure I can get though the costs somehow. I don't have bundles and yes did overspend his weekend but can learn from that element. But say Paris, I've been saving for a year and will not feel guilty about it.
I need to have this conversation with her. I feel angry for feeling guilty. And it's on,y what I think I've heard without having the fill conversation.
Once again I'm tahnkful HP for the awareness and thereofe able to drop both the guilt and the anger and face up to responsibility. Open communication without also loading it on to someone else ie blaming them rather than looking at myself and what I have and haven't said.
I was uncomfortable being I. A restaurant that didn't cater for my food needs. It was okay I. The end, I managed but it wasn't quite right and there was an element of people pleasing. I write this. Auctions ly as I would hate anyone then to think oh no it's my fault! It's not it's mine. And I could easily have checked first and then catered for myself around this. Of course I do not expect others to neither understand nor support. It could be tedious for other people to accommodate. That's all possible. But all I need to do is ensure I get my food needs catered for. Anyone who isn't an addict has no need to understand. Anyone who isn't an addict might find it laborious. But for me it's life and death and that' can feel selfish on my part. But at least I raised this question with my sponsor, not that I really got an answer except for having to make sure I out my recovery first. I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol just because someone else wants to so I need to ensure I check things out before just accepting places and informing of my needs too. People are not expected to know the importance to me. That's my job.

I couple of weekends ago I had the loveliest of weekends. Spending time with a really lovely friend. And it keeps in perspective the value of online encounters when so many people knock it. Social media has plenty of positives and yet I also have delved into my own negatives around this as well. Despite that every experience is experience and can be learnt from. I have experiences some others may never have so can relate with knowledge when talking with on liners struggling in some way. I know myself. But I can see with balance and positivity that there's food too. There's positives in everything in some way or other.
Staying with CD and MD was lovely. Easy going and just enjoyable time. Lyme Regis, Honiton and meeting up with SS too. All lovely, lovely. Brilliant sunshine aswell. I think and hope I have a friend for life in CD. Through years of various social media CD probably knows more all round about me than anyone else in the world. How strange that is really. How fortunate I feel.
Overall I had a lovely and enlightening and loving weekend.

Bliss
XX

Murder by numbers

It is forbidden to kill. Therefore, all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers, and to the sound of trumpets.
Voltaire

8th July 2013
Grrrrrrr I could murder AB when she tells me what to do or tells me how I must be feeling or hints at things being a problem. She said even you could get something to eat at the pub when I go out all the fucking time and eat out perfectly with ease and enjoyment. Just fuck right off!! And then thinks I am still weak and feeble. I write that knowing that at times I have been vulnerable. The problem with AB is she thinks I am all the time. I have grown and changed and that's not acknowledged. Of course she is in her rut of drinking and not liking doing anything. I fucking irritates me too that she says ooo let's do that. So I say okay let's arrange it now and then suddenly "oh no well not now". She liked the sound of the walk I did last evening and said can we do it, so I suggest this evening and suddenly there's a million reasons why not tonight. For fucks sakes!!! It's so infuriating. And I can feel I get edgy with her. I disagree just to try and keep my boundaries. She must sense it. I do!
I won't of course murder her. But fucking hell it's infuriating.
This might be a page for releasing frustrations and resentments with people as they develop.

It's helpful to write it and release the energy. And see how I need to just let go. And also keep listening because amidst all the nonsense AB says a lot of very sensible things. She made reference to Graham Whelan possibly being at the Summer School in Brighton. It is a possibility if he still works with the OU. If he should approach me I will deal with it. I am a very different person. I see my part in letting that situation develop. I was so unwell and needy and he was nasty in his sexual behaviours. I'm not sure how much I've exaggerated it but I know the experience was unpleasant. So if I feel threatened in anyway I now have a reminder that I can leave, I can speak with someone within the OU. It's good to have a bit of a game plan.

Thanks AB and a little less grrrr but grrrr nonetheless. And the way forward? I'd like to remember this is AB. That codependent behaviours and avoidance of self are very irrituating. Listen and smile. Stop needing to point things out to her. I know I'm okay without becoming adamant and bloody minded and then have to back track. Accept her as she is and love her for the friend she is. Please God help AB to be content. I know she isn't and her drinking keeps her from delaing with anything at all. I know God (of my understanding) that you are there in her life if she ever wants to reach out to. In the meantime, please can you help me to be more like the person I want to even when irritated by her. I want to be passive in the sense of calm, rather than the interpretation I can hold of passivity being a walk over. I want to be a good friend and listener. There will be ways to acknowledge what she's said and put a different point of view. Please show me how to do this and be serene.
Thank you God.


Bliss
x
 

Broken Eyes

Going to bed now. But as the jealousy subsides the anger is rising. Want him to prioritise me. Hope he doesn't call coz I don't feel civil right now. Bloody hell relationships. And this is yet another one I didn't even want. I just get too flipping excited that anyone has paid me attention. It's been like that for a long time. I would like me to be different.
The story? Well in a voice message and a text one too G announced that E had called hi "on the sauce" again wanting to be taken to Petworthless meeting as G put it. I do like his creativity. I was instantly jealous as he has an interest in her. I assume an interest means he fancies her and given the chance would have a relationship with her. She's married but after all G has no respect for that having had affairs with married women in the past including D and spends time with her husband too. He says they are mates now and he's very very fond of her. But it is is peculiar. Still let's not buy into all that querying and questing for knowledge and certainty.
So off he goes to the meeting and sends me a text gratefully received saying that he will make some nourishing beans on toast and then call. He did exactly that bu didn't talk about E. I enquired and he unravelled the story. There was the conversation that she prefers male company in AA and of course he prefers female company. Do I feel okay with him developing another friendship with another woman. I don't think it's okay and whether he's chaste or not the women will get the wrong message especially if they are drinking and for years can be needy for male attention. Look at me with G. But he will say how can I think that he would make any approaches when I know his issues with sex. However, he was forward with me and direct about his issues and that hasn't stopped him at all. Plus I think he'd like a multitude of women's places to be able to be so that when kicked out of each place he has another, anywhere but his pit. I'm now going into the realms of paranoia and fantasy. But the truth will be revealed and there is something instinctual about this. I see his insecurity and also his selfish drive. And when he doesn't get what he wants he is either moody and withdrawn or punishing by getting his needs met in other ways. Not always healthy. I am taking his inventory yes! All I can do though is take care of my jealousy and insecurity and know that whatever happens I will be okay. This is the situation and it actually cannot do anything more than stir up these unpleasant feelings. I need some time to discover if my intuitions are founded in any way.
My eyes are broken in that I see myself as fat or a distorted body image because when overweight I've been feeling okay about myself until seeing a photo. When I saw myself underweight in a photo I was quite surprised. I have broken eyes.
But I have broken eyes about that so they are possibly broken about other things. I see one thing and read a million assumptions into it. So we will see. If he now starts having a lot of text contact with E, what will I do? If she's drinking she's going to be reaching out in the needy way. If her husband is kicking her out then she is going to want people to pick up the pieces and she prefers me. Is G suddenly going to spend time being that piece picker upper. He doesn't involve me. He might be trying to involve Long S but it's half-hearted really if E turns that down. Then what? He is surrounded by drunk needy women. Interesting description and picture. Do I want a man who wants to be surrounded by drunk needy women?
He will I think have thought that is the position I am in at work. Surrounded by drunk needy men. That's how he was and will undoubtedly be basing his experience of therapists on the ones he ended up having relationships with. I despise them their dangerous unprofessionalism. I think they are unaware of the damage they cause. Please God I never ever enter into that destructive journey. There but for the grace of God go I.
Am I seeing this through broken eyes? I don't know. At least if I keep talking and writing it will become clear. I do not need to act out the inquisitiveness and anger and quest for certainty. I know it will be revealed. I went digging with JH and found what I wanted to see. I do not need to go digging in the certainty that the Universal energy will reveal what I am supposed to see. In the meantime I can enjoy what I is enjoyable and leave the unknown to be where it is.
I can carry on doing what I want and like doing. I work regardless of what G thinks. I have arrangements with my friends regardless of what G may think or do. I suspect he will take his revenge somehow because although aware of his feeling she does utilise his emotions to repay me. Or am I being paranoid about that. Is this something that I know from my dad who wasn't quite as wily or from my mum who just stopped trying to change things. I don't know. It is ingrained into a deep groove in my psyche though.
So I need to get ashed and dressed and set off to pick up GB from hospital. I'm glad to be able to be of service to her. But it is an interruption from a non starter of my studies. All this week I have not been able to read in the mornings because of work!! I let it happen?

Bliss
XX

Ninnyhammer

I really really can be a right ninnyhammer.
It's really evident to me most at work right now. I am very exposed. Just the two of us working there. I work with someone who is very precise and OCD ish in the sense of checking and double checking everything. Mistakes are not permissible. And so I'm much less of an editing type for example. I type out emails and send them and whoosh! All my typos are gone with the wind. And then when they come back it shows up to the perfectionist beside me and I feel the ninnyhammer I am.
I don't things through fully wither. I have so much on my mind other than the bigger picture. yesterday I went to the station with a client because he'd lost his rail ticket. I was pleased to be able to help. We chatted and when after saying cheerio I turned on my heels heading back to the office, hands in pocket to keep my fingers warm, to suddenly realise I don't have the keys to the front door. And with further awakening I realised that PD was now in a 1:1. It was a real count down hanging around outside, getting colder and colder. And as it got close to the opening hour and no sign I thought on nooooo is he having a 1 1.2 hour session. Anyway he emerged, surprised to see me. I found it funny just how ninkampoopish I can be.
I do little things like this all the time. I am exposed. It's the kind of thing I'm scared for people to see. I would be terrified with my dad of him tut tutting tutting at me in judgement and intolerance. He never ever saw the funny side. And my mum? I don't know. I think she would be angry with me for angering my dad.
When I was about 6, 7, 8 and so on I was letting myself in after school. I had jobs to do like turn the oven on and things. I had a backdoor key and with my empty house, I'd go out and play with my friend in the park. A few times I lost the key. My dad would be furious. I mean literally furious calling me an idiot etc. Really berating me, whilst having to saw through the lock. I was a child! Yet I took it on that was a complete idiot. I am only seeing now that it was unreasonable of them to leave me. I think that was when Mrs Skerrett was brought in on the scene. Probably that was the time my mum had been challenged at work needing to take better care of me after work. She was a career lady and put that first. It was all I knew, my norm but really I have always wanted my mum. It's created an Independence but I think there's a strong will there that either genetic or influenced by them and the life I lived.
I am looking back with a reality check that it wasn't that good for me. I am less angry about it today. The anger is truly diminishing for the time being. I hope some day that I won't be triggered so powerfully. At least I've done little damage.
Apart from the void being filled with G. I do not want him to be void fixer, like wood filler.

Bliss
XX

Volcanoising the monsters

I think the rage is subsiding. Or was it the disbelief of my Auntie O?
I think I've heard enough from others.
I have been angry and lashing out a bit. I don't know what else to do with my anger.
I lashed out by spreading the word about my dad. I wanted people to know he treated me horribly and that some of my monsters under my bed were put there, they weren't just from the inside of me. (Stephen King quote posted by a friend on FB).
What am I angry about? I'm angry because my dad has treated me unkindly for as long as I can remember. He might not think it was unkind but to me it was. Things from a little girl such as giving all the other kids a helicopter swing but not me. So in the greater scheme of things he was giving me a whole heap of things all of the time. But standing there waiting expectantly when all the other kids were enjoying it, I felt rejected, left out and hurt. It's been like that ever since. he would be running around for other people but would be moody with mum and I. Everyone appeared to come before us.Yet I know too he worked hard and so on. It's difficult not to minimise the feelings. I'm no longer sure what to do with which. I get the feeling that FA say quieten the negativity. Step away from it. I suppose so long as I don't ignore that it's there.
I wonder what Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo would say. I might write to her. But what would I say.
Dear Jetsunma.
I have been floundering in rage these past weeks. Since my dads death T, his wife has infuriated me by what seem to be unkind gestures. I truly believe she has been jealous all of these years and furthermore I feel certain she has been lied to about me. I wonder if she even knows the times my dad has met up with me.
And it feels so unjust that he would have been telling her things about me, making her dislike me. But I think I've tried to emphasise things about my dad so that people know how difficult its been for me. It similar. The thing is the things he did to me when I was younger I think are despicable. He put the monsters under my bed. But I then bred my own. And I cultured his dislike for me by irrational decisions and bad behaviour. I was using alcohol and drugs. It seems my mum had told Auntie O. I was a nightmare. As I listen to a clients parents describing what's going on for them I just feel so sad for the confusion and sadness my mum must have felt. It's difficult not to take it personally. I know only too well and my dad would not have had any resources to think differently.
He was a disturbed man of that I'm certain.
I've been raging particularly since he disinherited me. It was the biggest insult of them all. But no different really from all of the others throughout my life. I cannot forgive him for that right now. I feel furious and the powerlessness of not being able to do anything about it. Not being able to reason with him because he's fucked off. Kaputt! Snuffed it! Dead! And I'm glad. I feel dreadful for saying that  but at the same time it's true.
I never thought I could feel like this about death. I get pangs of sorrow when I think I'll never meet hi for a coffee again. I'll never receive a card from him again or a cheque. I knew this Christmas it was the last one. I do have these senses. Perhaps it was just with my parents. I soprt of knew about my mum yet was pissed off to learn that everyone was told in advance but me. And my dad didn't give credit for change when LW called him to tell him uncle B had died. And my dad told LW that I was too unwell to be informed, unstable. Fucking git! He was stuck in a rut from old old old times. He was a fucking bastard. He never gave me credit for anything. As I write that I think well I was a fuckwit. I wasn't. I did some things throughout my life that were misguided, but I was fucked up and he was a p[art of that. There is no separation and I'm angry that he didn't take any responsibility just blamed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! That's the injustice. He blamed me! He never ever looked at himself. There isn't a word I know that describes the emotion that goes with that. What is the word???? I need someone to identify with it and describe it to help me get it out of me. It's like it's stuck in my throat and it's blocking me from moving forward. At least I can describe it but I want someone to identify with it.


An email to a friend ...
"I know for me I start out with the best intentions. And I could even keep it going for a while. Which would lull me intoa false sense of security. So good at kidding myself. And gradually gradually it would build up until I'd be right back into the overeating involving lots of sugar and flour products. I strongly witness in me a problem with sugar and flour products and quantity. I am now a year and half free of that and have maintained a steady weight of between 120 - 124 pounfs. God am I relieved. I feel okay aboutmy body and can wear any clothes without trying different combinations. I would have a very few "fat" clothes because really I jst wanted to be covered and hidden and didn't like the clothes themselves. Nothing looked good anyway. I was lacking in confidence. All crazy thinking of course but it was all led by the overeating. Now I have a few combinations of nice clothes. I can't afford many but it doesn't matter because I can wear any. It doesn't stop me still being crazy i my thinking but it gives me an opportunity to  work on that. Always working towards imprving self and more and more freedom.
Right now has been a particularly crazy time. Raging with my father and with it I've raked up a lot of horrid memories from the past. But I think I'm beginning to see how I'm hanging on to the rage and turmoil. It doesn't do much good anymore. So I woke up this morning realising I have needed to vent it but now it's time to start calming. I prefer the balanced, peaceful way.
Things are irregular with G. We are meeting today. But I don't think I want to be in this in/out style relationship. I think I want to say to him that I'd like to slow everything down. No staying for nights on end. NO smoking in my flat. And there are a number of things. We have already gone way beyond the sex thing so I think it's impossible to back ttrack on that. I don't think he'll take it too well. But I really feel it's right for me. The problem is I'm so hooked on fear of what people think and their reactions. I don't want any enemies and yet I end up with them for being me. There must be a way of doing things that means we can be friends. I loe him as my friend. I am not in love with him. I don't love too many people and yet I can love everyone just for being human. G is a special man. He truly is and I love him for that. I wouldn't want him any other way but there are just so many things I don't want over ruling my own life and I do take them on. Until I can not take things on as my own I can't go on as we are. I don't know if I can learn this without being in the relationship. I'm sure I can."

Hmmm - I think I need a drink, some quiet meditation and wash and brush up, a tidy up and then G will be here.
What I really want to say to him is that I do not want endless nights of him staying here. I want to slow things down a lot more. I don't like the in/out relationship style we have. It's a part of who we both are but it doesn't have to be. I don't want to be doing that to him. Is he preapred to slow it all down with me? I want him in my life. I really do. He's an amazing man. I want to do things with him and be with him but not all the time. I do not want to be with anyone else. I do want time with my friends and those I choose, and to go to meetings and get up early and have some time on my own. I also want time with him. It's not a matter on not knowing what I want it's a matter of not wanting to be so crazy but how to get there. And I'm so controlled by fear.
I'm afraid of his anger and a bad reaction. He does over react taking things very personally. I suppose it is poersonal when I say I don't want smoking in my flat. And I'm tired of his mess. I'm messy enough on my own but he's really messy.

I'm not clear because the fear sets in. I've agreed to meet without checking it with anyone else. Self-willed and the result is he wants skin on skin. I'm uncertain as it just leads to being back where we started in my thinking. Yet I'll do it for the sake fo fear. Universe please help me with what you are showing me. I don't want to be awkward and clumsy but I'm giving mixed messages.
I do not want to give a mixed message. But I also don't know how to be clear.
At least the rage seems to be subsiding. It rises in me like a volcano and explodes.Erupting all over the place.
I want to depict that.
I'm going to somehow. I think I might make a mosaic. And what about my studying? Hmm. I guess I'll have this day off. And tomorrow morning ad start when I get back from A's tomorrow. I'm allowed a bit of a break I guess. Where are the cheeky emoticons? ;)

Bliss
XX

 

Discombobulation

Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished, Bliss, is like finding fault with a lion because it can't fly, a bird because it can't swim, or tree because it can't leave...

With regard to the above remark from The Universe (tut.com) I agree. But there is also investing in one's potential. I have stopped investing in G's potential. I really haveloved the person he is. But there are behaviours and attitudes that I really don't like. His moodiness, his lack of desire to socialise, his judgements of others so harshly, his anger, his viciousness. Yet I have understanding of the origins of his pain and lack of trust from what he's told me. I feel so dreafully sad for the awful start he had in life. When I looked at the photos of him as a little boy my heart hurt. I can't imagine how the experiences have really left him. Uncertain and untrusting. I can relate from my own turmoil.
When does one stop accepting and take into consideration ones own needs. I am confused about this at the moment. With everything else that's going on I cannot deal with it. G has sent some light hearted texts and I have replied light-heartedly too. I do not want him back in my life and yet I miss the nicer parts of him incredibly. I have given of myself to him like uniquely. He has no idea just how much I have given of myself to him. And yet he thinks differently.

I do not judge him for what has not been accomplished because they are my measures. He may feel perfectly accomplished. He is bright and intelligent. He is interesting. He is quick-witted. He is lovely. I like and love G so much. But ...
And I cannot forgive him for saying that there were grey areas in connection with my dad. And at this time when I am learning more and more SHIT about the disgusting man. I feel sick and repulsed by him. And then G says something like that.
How could he? But then of course he doesn't know what it's like to be me so that's probably how.
Visiting the F's has revealed that there was suspicions within their family. Our family was being talked about. They felt that I didn't get everything they though I should, not enough care. Apparently my mum was challenged about not caring for me enough; by her boss PF and also by the F family. R apparently suspected sexual abuse. She was right. J told me about female friends of theirs that talked of my dads sexual propositions towards them. Those were the ones that said no.
The weird thing is that I didn't believe myself and yet this information I'vve been receiving cares what I think I was making up. Shit it's all so flipping weird. And I'm so angry with my mum and yet struggling to be angry as it feels so wrong. She MUST have known something, she certainly must have known about his infidelity and his nastiess towards me. How could she have sat there saying she didn't understand why things were always so bad between my dad and I.
I admit fully that I brough problems to their door but I was fucked up by him years and years before that.
My mum once allowed me to persuade at age 3 years old to stay in the playground with some boys. They spun me around on the roundabout and I fell off. I can remember lying on the tarmac and seeing my mum standig over me eventually. I am probably muddled but also remember it. I had to light the fire and put the dinner on and things when I got home from school. I was alone from a very yong age doing these things. I certainly was alone from age 7 yrs old.
It was all fucked up! And I thought I was making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I feel like my world has gone. What was my reality is disintegrating. I don't know what reality is anymore. There is only my relaity l,oaded with experienes and attitudes and behaviours etc. I feel limp, lifeless. I want to run as afar as I can but I go with me.
My world is blown apart, topsy turvy. How on earth do I get forward from here?

Pleas e show me what and where and how Universe. Thank you

Bliss
X

LIES

Sometimes, what's really cool, Bliss, is giving profuse thanks for the good fortunes that befall others - no matter who they are - because, invariably, your joy for them will yield the same good fortunes for you.

Shoe-wee!
The Universe

Not easy to do but I'm prepared to practise this. However, I feel angry and I see how much of a block it is to being able to practise such spirituality. The thing is I do feel angry and I guess I need to let it out. I just don't know how to do that well. I have in the past raged and in my rage I can be so destructive. I don't want to be destructive anymore.
So how do I vent my anger. I'm sharing about.
I'm angry that my dad left everything to his wife. I'm angry that he wouldn't allow me to be close with him in anyway and was actually just rude. I'm angry that he has cut me out for the past 11 and a bit years. I am angry so won't even allow it to move towards 12 years.
I'm angry that he bothered to keep in contact and I'm also confused about this. I'm angry that he more than likely (but I don't know for certain) told T, his wife a whole host of untruths about everything including my mum and me too. How fucking dare he. I'm angry yet I don't know this for sure. And I'm angry about that too.
I'm angry as I'm discovering that all these years I've known him to be a liar but I've been too afraid to challenge that. I'm angry that my mum did nothing about it. As someone said denial perhaps and how strong denial can be. I'm angry that she might have been in denial as I've always thought her more together than that. Perhaps I was just hopeful. And I'm angry that she might have known more about the way my dad was towards me but did nothing at all about it. I'm fucking furious about that because it's taught me that it was actually the right way to be treated.
I'm angry that I'm so bloody well controlled by other people. I'm angry that within that I'm compliant yet rebellious and resentful inside. Or I desperately attempt to control and can't even see yet how that manifests in me. I know that I can be secretive, dishonest, manipulative and flounder attempting to justify. Just today I didn't say that I didn't mean to share specific details but to share how a person feels about situations. And this person can sense my avoidance. That's it avoiding owning the reality which some of it this morning was not knowing what the reality for me actually was. So flipping infuriating.
I'm angry that my dad abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. And I'm angry that at times I question whether that's even true. It was true for me! I'm angry that my dad was never made answerable for that. There is justice at a higher level. I need to trust that.
I'm angry that he disinherited me and discredited me and this I do know as he's openly belittled me for as long as I can remember. And in my anger I'm prepared to discredit him. I am bloody deliriously happy that other people know he was a liar. It's vindicating. So other people knew too. Someone asked me why I'm not angry with them for doing nothing all these years. I was angry. I didn't understand how people could stand by and not do a thing about it. But denial is easier. I am concerned that the little girl opposite me has been abused in some way by her father. He was odd and now isn't around thank goodness. I felt so uncomfortable with him. A would scream oddly at times and behave outrageously. He asked me to take her under my wing. Yuch! And yet did I do anything? NO. It's quite a frightening thing to do. But we as adults are these days told we are all responsible for the safeguarding of children. And there was nothing like this when I was younger. People turn a blind eye. What goes on behind closed doors is no one else's business. I'm not angry with those people anymore. What could they do with their own uncertainty?
I'm angry though. I'm bloody angry.
And then I'm angry with me. I'm afraid of people. I'm in the grips of power of it. Powerless over people, places and things. And yet I give people so much power. They have control over me and I am furious about it. It's not them. Well they have their part. If everyone was simply loving and giving - apart from boring - things would be easier. I am sick and tired of giving my power to people. I don't know how to alter this but I am seeing it more clearly.
On Wednesday I met with PW, a friend of my fathers from the HAC. I had always believed because my dad implied it, that they had served together in Korea. No. It turns out they met when my dad was in the HAC. My dad was a sergeant apparently with MT (motor transport). Basically I've discovered what I always thought, that my dad was an oik. He tried to be something else. He was a snob. My mum was but at least she admitted it. I am a snob too but a lot more covert. I want to be from wealth and graciousness. Why? It's crazy, because others seem to respect money and status and power.
PW told me an endless stream of his adventures in life. Surviving Cancer in his 50's, a scholarship to Brentwood. But at 14 years old he joined the army. He joined within education and so when in Korea he was a correspondent. My dad implied that PW didn't see the raw end. But he landed in the Battle of the Hook. And having read about that briefly as with all wars, it was devastated with casualties.
PW and JH are uncertain about my dad's honesty. They are questioning the medals my dad has actually worn. PW said that they think he wore medals he wasn't entitled to wear. PW wanted my permission to explore this further. As we talked and talked, he said we really clicked. I told him that my dad sexually abused me. He was sad for me but was neither shocked nor surprised and said this. He told me that my dad was the randiest man he had ever met. I feel it in my female areas as I write it. It disgusts me to know it yet is also a relief. People are not disbelieving m. I told my second cousin LW last Friday. She was sad for me having asked why I thought the relationship between my dad and I was so awful. hey apparently had wondered as a family for some time why it was like it was. I told her. The sexual abuse of course gets the reaction but really it was the emotional ad mental abuse that;s just if not more destructive. I thought I was the problem for as along as I can remember. That has had a devastating impact on my life. Yes I am sorry for the behaviours that I brought to my parents' door. But frankly there are situations from childhood that have contributed to my inability to fully function effectively. I have had little or no self esteem. I do recall in my 20's thinking I was indestructible yet feeling so worthless. I was unworthy of a relationship I would have liked instead accepting crumbs. Always! Still do.
I am so angry about this. But how do I release this anger? It feels like an energy that is bursting out of me. Yet I don't know how to let it out. Sometimes it simply phut phut's out. Other times it roars out of me. Addictive behaviours have been ways of expelling anger. Dramatic reactions another. And some addictive behaviours I think are closely associated with things that happened in the past. FUCKING HELL!
So now do I contest the will? I think I need to. It's about the money but it's also about the principle of it all. He completely denied the past. I suspect he had to to cover his lies in the past years with T. But it is pure speculation on my part. And infuriating that I can't get the truth out there. Having it publicised in court is quite a cathartic idea. I've feigned difficulty with the idea. I believed it at the time but actually the difficulty is the entire situation, even my discomfort with it being about the money to any extent at all. I feel guilty and thieving; my dad's thoughts about me. He always said I would steal the bricks of the house if I could. He thought I was a taker. I probably am but it's not all I am. I'm very caring and giving. I like people and I care about people. I am a trier even if I don;t attain the top. I achieve as best as I can and that's good enough. My dad didn't have any self respect so he was never ever going to have any respect in mediocre me. He was less than mediocre as a man so had to fabricate his status as a hero. I wanted him to be the hero he said he was. He instilled in me the belief that high achievers and high status was the only thing worthwhile. And of course money and medals and things like that were the evidence. Poor him, never ever feeling good enough and more than likely right to his bitter end. And I was a disappointment to him.
He called me and said I love you and wish you the best for the  future. Did he really? Was anything he said or did believable. There must have been some truth in there somewhere.
And then G arrives here in his grumpy mood and snaps at me when I speak about how I'm feeling and thinking as meaning  nothing. Fuck off then. Take your constant grumpy mood away. I'm tired of people. Tired of being bloody well scared and controlled. I am not happy with this situation. And whilst I try to be acceptant there are beginning to more things that are dissatisfactory than not. A magnificent man, nice, intelligent, interesting, quick witted, amusing, passionate about birds and flowers and such like and some people. But there are behaviours and attitudes too that are completely horrible. I am tired of it. I need space and a break. How do I do this? Well however he reacts is up to him. He dog sits soon. But I want space and time before then. Maybe that;s all it is, me wanting some space and time. I am tired of being criticised based on his issues. I'm tired of being accused for things I do not do. I'm tired of being controlled i.e. not being able to have my friends arrive when I want or go out when I want. Is that selfish? Perhaps it is but it's how it is for me. And I'm tired of his mess. He's done some lovely things.
He owes me money and it's funny that as he might get some money he is getting grumpier and probably working towards an exit left. Apparently the left hand side of the stage is bad luck or something. However, I can't find anything on a first look on the Internet. Anyway I am using it in that context, meaning linked with nastiness or resentment and all words that could be associated with this.
So if people don't like me then simply fuck off. What's the point of badness hanging around. There are plenty of people with whom there is no badness overall. Perhaps if I was living with them in my life to the same scare the badness would always become more significant for me. I am demanding and want to simply be more accepting. I think transience can make acceptance easier. Perhaps?

So how am I going to practise giving profuse thanks for T's inheritance from my dad?Especially when I feel so angry. It's almost as if by giving profuse thanks I let go of it completely. And yet the idea is that being profusely thankful I receive in heaps and bounds. It would be releasing. Please God help me to be profusely thankful for T's windfall. Please can I have a windfall as well somehow?
What would I do with it? Well my dad's message would be that I will fritter it away on some fucking idiot. So what if I did? Is that so wrong? It was in his bigoted opinion. PW agreed with me when I called him a bigot. And PW married a Chinese lady. How international PW seemed. But I saw him get quite angry and pompous with a lady behind the bar when he couldn't get the life. His ego rose sharply to the surface. He also spent nigh on 5 hours talking about himself. Interesting. Yet there were moments of humble acts he talked about. If he was truly humble I don; think he would tell me about his decision to leave money anonymously to Brentwood. And I was aware how important money and status was for him too. He talked about it all the way through. He has a remarkably charmed life though and that was fascinating. I am profusely thankful for him although a little envious too. I'd like to have some of what he has. And I was horrified that as I sat there talking about how painful it has been to be disinherited by my father, he talked about disinheriting his own children. He talked about his daughter in a derogatory manner. I think he might have been more thoughtful about that but he wasn't to know how dreadful I feel as a result of my dad's constant castigation of me. It rubs off and I believe it.
I would like for this to lift. And so with a relapse on my food on Wednesday I am returning to Step One with a look at the ways in which I give power to people. I was so afraid to ask for the food I needed to remain abstinent and as a result I ate bread! I couldn't ask for veg and salad. How alarming it is to realise that I would not organise my food in fear of showing my ignorance and not asking for what I wanted. I was able to say that I didn't want the whisky and water PW had bought me in error after I asked for a sparkling water. But I wasn't able to ask for the food I needed.
So a relapse. I'm off the AWOL and that's not such a bad thing as I have now joined one on a Thursday evening at 9pm. It's quite late but there are benefits - a UK mobile number, a gentle co-leader who I like how she seems. I will have my whole Sunday for study and relaxation without guilt of being o the AWOL or having not to be on the AWOL. Plus I will not have to listen to B and take inventory of her controlling manner. Back to Step One and an opportunity to look at this powerlessness of people. And the unmanageability when I comply and be open to look at the controlling as well.
Today I was affected having yesterday raised an issue in connection with safeguarding children. I hadn't raised the alarm myself from a 1:1 but my error was not being specific on advising the client to talk about her feelings and the impact on her of a alcoholic in her life. As a result PD wanted to raise the confidentiality issue when concerned about children. I felt bad about not having thought to raise the issue, so criticised without being criticised actually. So I react with the client and she has reacted badly to that. Consequently PD is annoyed that she might leave. The consultant is annoyed that I frightened her. But worse than all of that she is disappointed, angry and has had her trust in me broken. I feel sad and have let her down. I don't like that. Partly because I want to be a party to a persons well-being, not create more pain. But also because I want to be liked and get things right. That's the bit I want to drop as it creates all sorts of unnecessary behaviours and attitude. Please God help me, show me what I need to do and how I need to be. It's a bit of a shove for the ego too as I was beginning to believe in my own hype as a good therapist, even better than therapist! And clearly I'm not. I'm human like all the rest.
I know I do my best. I'm currently hurting slightly. It will pass and I don't want to hang onto it for too long. It can be washing over me so entirely that I think I am a terrible therapist and person. I take it to extremes. So it would be good to keep this in balance.
Another thing I've done is let the clients go early. There was little left to do. We had questions and answers, we had a check out and a farewell and that was it. I'm now worried that there will repercussions. I stayed until 5 myself but hey ho! I will own it with PD and see what happens.
I mess up a lot really. I am a bit all over the place right now. It's not okay but it's not intentional either.
I would like some time out but it's not possible.
So I'm not going to Oxford Brookes for a day with the OU tomorrow when I thought I was. Instead I'll go to London on 27th April. I will miss any snow that might have dropped on Oxford tomorrow, save petrol and give myself some catch up study time. I have 3 days to really pour some work in. Sod moody G.

I think that's all I have to write at this moment

Angrily yet somewhat centred and calm surprisingly,
Bliss
XX












 

He can't tell me off - Day 4

 I didn't write this as I was thinking it so trying to write it retrospectively.


Day 4 after my dad died was Wed/Thurs. And I was realising that he can no longer tell me off. When I went to see his body at the undertakers, I felt he was going to jump up and tell me off. I thought he'd say get this bloody idiot out of here, referring to G. And then I took a photo of his dead body and he would have gone ballistic at something like that. My dad had a real fear of death and bodies. I'd like to know why considering he must have seen many bodies in his military days. He fought in Korea attached to the Gloucester's. I read a little about the Presidents Citation which my dad has. The little British battalion received this medal.
From Wikipedia ...
"The 1st. Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment, British Army and Troop C. 170th Independent Mortar Battery, Royal Artillery, attached, were cited for exceptionally outstanding performance of duty and extraordinary heroism in action against the armed enemy near Solma-ri, Korea on the 23rd, 24th, and 25 April 1951. The 1st. Battalion and Troop C were defending a very critical sector of the battle front during a determined attack by the enemy. The defending units were overwhelmingly outnumbered. The 63rd Chinese Communist Army drove the full force of its savage assault at the positions held by the 1st Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment and attached unit. The route of supply ran southeast from the Battalion between two hills. The hills dominated the surrounding terrain northwest to Imjin River. Enemy pressure built up on the battalion front during the day, 23 April. On 24 April, the weight of the attack had driven the right flank of the battalion back. The pressure grew heavier and heavier and the battalion and attached unit were forced into a perimeter defence on Hill 235. During the night, heavy enemy forces had by-passed the staunch defenders and closed all avenues of escape. The courageous soldiers of the battalion and attached unit were holding the critical route selected by the enemy for one column of the general offensive designed to encircle and destroy I Corps. These gallant soldiers would not retreat. As they were compressed tighter and tighter in their perimeter defence, they called for close-in air strikes to assist in holding firm. Completely surrounded by tremendous numbers, these indomitable, resolute, and tenacious soldiers fought back with unsurpassed fortitude and courage. As ammunition ran low and the advancing hordes moved closer and closer, these splendid soldiers fought back viciously to prevent the enemy from overrunning the position and moving rapidly on the south. Their heroic stand provided the critically needed time to regroup other I Corps units and block the southern advance of the enemy. Time and again efforts were made to reach the battalion, but the enemy strength blocked each effort. Without thought of defeat or surrender, this heroic force demonstrated superb battlefield courage and discipline. Every yard of ground they surrendered was covered with enemy dead until the last gallant soldier of the fighting battalion was overpowered by the final surge of the enemy masses."
I'm hoping I'll get to know more when I meet with PW in March. I truly hope his complicated uncomplicated op on Tuesday goes smoothly. He is such a lovely man. ^ foot and a lot more. He is just smiles and warmth. I loved the talk we had on the phone on Saturday. And when he invited me to lunch in March I was thrilled.
Anyway. Who thinks I'm just really off my rocker for taking the photo? I really think it's a peculiar thing to have done but I am glad I have it too.
I want to post it here but I think that would be just a step too far. Funnily though as I got into my car, there in the window of the charity shop next door was a skeleton. I couldn't resist. It was a bit of a mockery really. But finny too. I won't post that either out of respect for my dad.
So I keep realising that he can no longer reinforce the messages that I am worthless. How would he do that? Well it would be in his tone of intolerance or he would say something that would put me down. I remember at my mums funeral he said something derogatory about my hair, such as "you could have done your hair for this at least". And his last telling off was yet more ridicule and minimising my position with him. He didn't want me to encounter T at all and I've always read this as his negativity towards me, his dislike of me, which I take on board deeply. Well ever since a little girl I have not been good enough and therefore have learnt that I am worthless. I am just about kept hooked in with moments of laughter and so on. Fundamentally everyone else was compared as better. But when he was dismissing and deprecating someone else I would suddenly feel close and make that person the common enemy. I learnt that noone was good enough including me. He didn't like people but I have understood that as m,e personally is a piece of shit.
He cannot reinforce those messages so the repetition of them is merely in my head. Held deep in my belief system but I can perhaps start to make a distance from them and hear other messages too. I am more rounded than merely a problem. Even though T sort of reinforces it but I am learning that she is really not a well person.
So all I had to do at day 4 was get through the funeral and looking beyond that the Will. I think that will be my dads final slight of me. He has full power until that is over and done with.
I hear the reinforcement though in many people. And I am aware that because of my conditioning it was I expect. So it isn't the same situations and it isn't the same message necessarily but I hear it as that. As a consequence I try to cover up.
I am so ashamed that I have lied to PD about my accreditation document and of course that is coming up to bite me. I feel embarrassed at having lied that it was submitted before Christmas. I was initially ashamed that I hadn't done it and it would confirm the message that I am useless and lazy. He would be disappointed, no worse than that he would be disgusted with me. It's such a strong message.
My dad was disgusted with me all of my life. Nothing about me as acceptable. And that's what I think people will think. I lied to M about the shower. For some reason I was not comfortable with the fact that G was doing things for me, made me look dependent already or something so when she asked if G put the shower in for me I said no. And more than that I said I had paid the landlords. I think also I was embarrassed that I've just allowed it to be done without first seeking permission.
Oh what I have learnt is that it's just a methodical process of drawing water through pipes form the tank. I thought it was far more complex. I don't know why. Anything can be channelled anywhere from the source, including electricity. Amazing I had though everything was so impossible ad so experts were miracle workers. No one is so godly as I thought. The power I invest in people is diminishing. Is this with my dad dying or my Step 5, or what?
So perhaps there will be some more freedom with my dads death. It seems a horrible thought and disrespectful but there is a relief and a truth in it too.
It's a lifetime of difficulty. I feel very sad and at times still can't believe he's dead. I look at the photo and see my dad still there. It's so very strange. But he has left this world now.
Bliss
XX

 

Dad

My dad is critically ill. At first it was water retention, then a fracture in his backbone was discovered after falling sometime a few months ago helping T. I'm annoyed with T and with them both for refusing the care help they were offered. I wonder if she hadn't fallen and he hadn't had to try and help he wouldn't have fallen and now wouldn't have Cancer. yes there is a large shadow behind his rib cage. He is too rail and unwell for them to do a biopsy. hey say it's not good but because they hadn't done a biopsy wouldn't say for certain it was Cancer. Now I think following a scan they have confirmed this. He is being returned home with care as there is no treatment now he can take. He is going home to die. My dad! I never thought he would die before me. I sort of believed the quip I have often made that he would outlive me. I said it believing it and also angry about it.
I hate my vulture-like thinking. It goes like this. "Get on with the dying then and lets see how much you've left me" Then I start thinking about how much it will be and what I'll do with it. In my thoughts I get cross as I reduce the amount. I think I over estimate how much he has anyway. And then I get angry because he's surely going to leave the house to her and she'll get the lot and then her daughters will get it. That's my mums money!!!!! Will I have the balls to contest the will? I bloody hope so. Will I win. Who knows. My mum has been dead now since 2001 - over 11 years. Bloody hell I miss her every day.
Other thoughts are the disgust I feel that if say there is a Heaven and spirit my dad will be able to see right into me. How repulsed I feel. He used to spy on me through the cracks in the door when I was undressing or in the bath. Vile. And he used to read my diaries and things like that. Everything was in his control and it makes me feel sick thinking of it. So if there is a spirit world that can see straight through us it makes me cringe at the thought that his spirit will see me. I want to be cleansed of every thought and every inch of me. Cleansed from the inside out and become someone else completely. Not exist as me anymore.
I think this contributes to the feeling of wanting to sell everything and fuck off. Where to and how I have no idea. I just do not want what I have. I have to stay still and if this thought is still there in 6 months then I need to prepare to go. Take the risk. I am sick and tired of being crimped by my fear. fear of not having enough or being out in the cold. Fear of old age with nothing.Who the fuck cares.
I am angry. Angry with T. The other day calling her I added the comment that I was glad he allowed me to see him. She then went into a retort about how she has never stopped him from seeing me in fact the opposite. She said she had never said a bad word against me except questioning why I don't contact him, send a birthday card or Christmas card. She went on and on, I listened. G was irritated that I said nothing. But I am glad I didn't It would only worsen things by entering into the affray. Instead I was raging afterwards. The injustice!! She keeps saying she doesn't know why it is like it is. My mum used to wonder why too. They have no fucking idea. He abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Oh and spiritually. It wasn't the worst on a grad scale of things but it's affected me all my life. He knows. Surely he does. But he just can't deem himself to talk to me or see me or even like me a little. Is this his guilt? I don't actually think it is. I truly believe he believes his speel as I believe mine.
It's been a vile life with him. Always fighting and for what? I have done lots of things that I would rather not have done. Yes lots of men, stupid decisions, running from responsibility, getting into messes. I took those to his door. I wonder how much the childhood did or didn't influence my condition of disarray with life. I have always felt at odds with the world and everything in it.
I used to think I wasn't my parents child. I look like my mum sound like her too. I look like my dad. And what's worse is that I am a liar like my dad. An embezzler of the truth, an exaggerator, a secret squirrel. I hate taking ownership for things I've done wrong. Please Universe, please remove this deect of character from me. And give me tolerance and discernment and diplomacy. Please Universe help me with this.
The spilling of food by my friend on the chair at work. I just was so scared to tell peter. I am sure he wouldn't have gone too crazy but so what if he did. I didn't do it for one, it was an accident more importantly.
Oh it's lunch time - no studying or accreditation done but some admin things have been sorted. Things that could bring in a little money or help with the year ahead with savings at Uni.
Some achievement. And G is on his way offering to come to the hospital with me whilst I visit my dad.
I am not as nervous as he wasn't annoyed last time. But then that has been a pattern - I will be easily lulled into a false sense of security.
I hate too that the other daughters are frequent visitors and he talks to them. He lied to me about that. I said I was upset at his closeness with them so instead of owning it he lied. G does the same. I have done the same. I don't want to do this kind of thing anymore. I can be upset or angry without being unloving or dismissive. But that's what people do. They get angry and then smash any togetherness to pieces.
Fuck them fuck the world fuck it all.
I am upset and angry. It's annoying how fucking codpependent everyone is. Including me. I do not separate myself from this but for goodness sake everyone lets start getting honest and take responsibility.
Then again I was reading Tenzin Palmo this morning. It makes sense.
"And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense. It is enormous ... Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them. We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear. We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions. They're just mental states. They're not solid, they're not transparent. ... One has to know that and not identify with the knower. One has to know that the knower is not somebody"
I have had miniscule glimpses of this. And then  really wondering what it would be to know that I am the knower but how to move away from that level. Gosh it seems more than difficult it seems impossible. And then again there are people who try to tell me how to eb and how I am and what I need to do. I want to tell them I've had glimpses thanks but it would seem egotistical and say I haven't really it's just my imagination that I have. They would think I was daft to think I have had glimpses and know what this means. So I say nothing. Perhaps I just have to stay open to their suggestions because I will undoubtedly learn something from it if I listen attentively

Amnyway I also love my dad. I hate seeing him so ill and so little. He is nothing more than a rib cage. His legs hardly made a bump in the sheets. He has no voice. His smile doesn't fit over his teeth. He is sleepign all the time. Where is the fury of the man now? I'd rather that than this pitiful unwell man. It's horrid to see him like this.
And it's horrid that T gets to be the one he talks to. I want to know. I wnat to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Talk to me. What arrangements does he want for the funeral? What has he done about the Will? What does he want????
Why isn't he evr ever available to me. Why does he hate me?
Always everyone else came before my mum and I. I do it with friends. So influenced by the new person on my meeting line. I take people for granted or do I? People expect a lot. I expect a lot.
It;s all just nonsense. Bring in Tenzin Palmo please Universe.

Thank you G for introducing me to the book to get some sense of something good.

Lunch
Bliss
XX

 

Frexting

A text response to a response with M .. not sent as I thought better of it. Texts can be so misunderstood.

The you you you is shared with me me me time - in my opinion it is a two-way thing so I never need an apology. Actually it's part of our interaction and equality. Sometimes it might be a bit more me me me and other times you you you. Sometimes I feel disappointed or frustrated when I don't get to finish my what I'm saying. And i notice how often I do it - start immediately relating to something similar. At the same time don't stop sharing when you relate because its always valid. ill just try to say "i just need to finish what I was saying" or something like that. But that's minimal compared to the inter communication. I value your opinion - don't always like it but it is rare for me not to agree. And you sharing often gives me insight into myself. So you really do not need to apologise. It's not selfish as I interpret your "me me me" to suggest. Maybe I've misinterpreted that. And by the way it took enormous courage to say about my disappointment and I may have said it clumsily - I am such a fearful person. Practicing expressing my thoughts I suppose. Also think oh no this isn't the right format or time to say all of this. So you know what I won't. Ill save this and remember to interject when it happens and try to keep it light and breezy.
Bliss
XX