On competition and obduracy

M says black, I say absolutely white. It frustrates me as I believe in various shades of black to white exist. But no I say absolute opposites to counter her. It always feels like M is stating an absolute and therefore it requires an absolute from me to counter balance.
Please God can you help remove this doggedness, this obduracy, this mulishness.
I would like to be flexible and adaptable. Please can you help me to become yielding and alterable. Thank you God.
Thank you for pointing this out again God. When will I learn. I need to be more interested in M's opinion and ask questions I think. Hear her.
She probably used the wrong word and the word she used was competitive. Now I think M is unreasonably competitive and what happens is I go into battle with her to prove her wrong. Why do I do that? I can be so obdurate and argumentative. My mum used to point that out too.
So this is a manner about me that I have. Goodness knows why and like everything it really isn't so important to know why right now by to accept it and see the unmanageability it causes and then as you God to help me to restore myself to sanity, yet again.
I do it a lot and in various ways. I get an idea sometimes that I will doggedly hold onto and argue just so as not to lose. Then I can get tongue-tied and lie even just to get my point across and not be shown to be erroneous. But then afterwards I go back into castigating myself. I chastise myself ad sit in self-hatred. And then my mood lowers and I feel entirely worthless. I can see myself only as an idiot, counterproductive in my work, as a friend, as a human being. And then there is room for the despondency to squeeze in and then there is room for the food addiction to slip in. I am constantly vulnerable to these patterns and I need to arrest them as early as possible. Otherwise I am vulnerable to relapse.
So having recognised this tendency to go into competition please God help me to keep my mouth closed when I become aware. This will be the first thing to stop the unmanageability, cease the behaviour.
And then I can keep talking about this with people. Listen to M for example and ask questions about what she means and how she sees that working for her and what does she think people need to be doing for example. Instead I leap in at the moment and try to change the course of her from the off.
Ad then I can let go and let God in. Next is the knowing of the defective behaviours involved, is to become truly willing to have the defect removed Step 6 and then asking God to help remove the defect.
I can see there is the need to work Steps 1-3 in everything. And if I pick the behaviour up again then am I really letting go and am I really willing.
Well this one keeps showing itself to me in many guises really.
I remember my insistence when in Wales about fern and bracken. And there have been many others, where I make sweeping statements cutting people off. I probably do it at work to rather than ask questions. I would like to stop God.
Why I do it? Well years of conditioning and also my distorted ways of being as an addict. That combination doesn't bode well. The thing is the why won't have a chance of being revealed unless I stop the behaviour and attitude first.
I can see clearly the way it brings in unmanageability and can see now how coming to realise this I can get some sanity restored into my life with some help. So I can stop castigating myself and instead turn to God. Ad then I can trust to let go to God. Hand this over to him. Here I am God I trust that you are showing me these things now and it seems I'm ready to see them. The defects that come up are being argumentative, and a need to be right, then the other person is wrong which makes me feel OK about myself (apart from now seeing it I feel terrible about myself if I'm not careful). Then I have to exaggerate and lie to back up my argumentative self. So another defect has to come into play to bolster up the first defect of PRIDE from a negative connotation.
Pride is a lack of a sense of self and this is fear. I think I need to be  somebody better than that body to be OK. Insecurity which is fear. All driven by fear.
So the way forward is to keep quiet when I find myself going into argumentative battle. What is the point anyway?
Now this is competition. And this was the subject raised by M. And I find her competitiveness quite difficult not least because I get competitive too.
I was disappointed that she wanted her own way for the entry to the art gallery. It seemed inconsiderate and inflexible. I stated my need for my food but it was all about her not travelling earlier and I stated that it was the same for all of us to leave by a certain time. The reality is I could have said we need to be in by 9 and then if she didn't want to go that was up to her. But I didn't want her not to go. Howe flipping complex it all is.
So then I harboured a resentment really and was trying to be gracious by saying oh ok never mind then. And so then when the subject of competitiveness was raised I was straight on to it. My resentment slipped through.
Wow! Of course. I hadn't seen that.
Am I very selfish God? Do I always want things my own way? I don't think I do but perhaps others see that differently? It would be interesting to know.
I'm not sure I am ready to hear such feedback though.

So in the meantime I need to start by not entering into any affray. Please God can you help me to stand back. I have noticed I've done that more often at work. I need to do it with M an with A. Gosh I am an argumentative person. My mum was right. She said I argue for argues sake. It's flipping true. But I think it's linked with harboured resentments of being controlled. Both A and M have ways of being that leave me feeling controlled. A tries to control and she knows it. It rubs me up the wrong way to see her doing with others and even more so when she tries to do it to me. And yet she's so generous in her help for me. Whether she moans about it or not like she moans about everyone and everything is highly likely. Of course I would be lost without her help so I am unlikely to raise the matter.
As for M I am wondering about the friendship. I find it difficult at times. She doesn't make much contact and when she does it can take a while before she talks about anything. Other times she talks all about her. She wants to know about me but then tells me how to be. She thinks she is being hard done by if she does things other people's way. She does get competitive. She accuses me of not having contact when I haven't called for a few days and yet is the same herself. This is the sort of thing that riles me when she talks about things like competitiveness. And when she accuses me of being secretive. Or when she accuses me of anything. It is very pointy finger and as if she is righteous. I feel judged by M - often. And then there is always the difficulty of things like other people involved in things we are doing. I think I am much more open often to include people even spontaneously but it causes M difficulty and then there is friction.
This going to London for Munch for example. I had said I would go with A and M. I said afterwards that both wanted to go and that we'd arrange a date to go together. M has a choice to pull out if she wishes. As does A.
It seems so much hassle to organise doing things, so when I organise with A M accuses me of doing so much with A and not with her. When I do things with M it's on her terms really.
Ugh! It's hard work. I like easy-going and this isn't.
So then I wonder why I try so hard. And then I feel sad. I feel sad that I can drift away from another friend. There is part of me that wants to say bye before she does and there's yet another person that has broken off friends all harshly.
I don't want that either. Please God I hand this over to you to show me how and what I need to do.
I do feel sad that there's an increasing distance between us. I didn't want to see it before but I do.
I will just keep in contact, making the odd call once a week. I will need some help to put some boundaries on that and not have these long calls unless they are at her expense. Similar with G the long calls have been at his expense. I need to do the same with V. It's good to ramble around ideas but for too long when I am conscious of high expenses and not affording them, this is insanity.

OK God all these things are presenting themselves to me. My fear of being rejected is high and yet I am becoming more comfortable being alone and find I am not lonely. Not recently anyway. I have You closer to me these days. Thank you God for showing me how to let you in more and more.
It's only take all of this time.
I don't like some of the undercurrent remarks M makes too. There seems to be a caustic under current. Mind you I feel that from time to time with A too.
I would prefer to spend time with people that are open and genuine and that requires me to nurture that in myself.
I cannot speak to A or M about these things without them becoming defensive because of course I would be pointing out their defects and that is not my job. What is the right way to approach this God. I trust that you will show me and so I hand that over to you and let go. Of course I will angst about it and stress in an urgency to know and get it right and perfect - but I hope to keep remembering to hand it over.
I would like to be the best friend I can be. I don't think walking away from M is the best thing right now anyway. But I do feel sad that there are those comments when my intention is generally good and loving. I get spiteful and stubborn in my disappointment and hurt.
Please remove this God. I am prepared to sit with the hurt and disappointment and that may mean speaking with people I know in fellowship.

I think I am learning just a little
Thank you God


Then back to the subject of competitiveness. I think M was really talking about judgement. What I said and am ashamed of is that competitiveness is not necessary. But I left no room for grey areas. My thoughts therefore on competitiveness and then I would like to open it up for more ideas to help me understand competitiveness.
I think from an evolutionary psychologist perspective there would be a real need for competitiveness on the basis of survival. Without it there might not be any motive to get up and hunt for example and improve survival conditions. I wonder what the theories from this evolutionary perspective really are.
I will have to do some research on that. In the meantime ... I think there is a need to compare myself with myself. It is good to measure things to see achievement and change. That is comparison. However it is not competitiveness - there are subtle difference I think. And it is not judgement either. Making judgements are important. But as I am aware judgements require time but time alone is not enough either. I don't think M meant competitiveness as she introduced all these other concepts too. But on the subject of competitiveness I wonder how valid it is in these days. It does set person up against person and unless someone is very serene this can cause friction and contention. If someone loses does this mean they are no good. But if someone wins it doesn't mean they are better as a person. There is always a winner and a loser and success and failure. These are a part of life but competitiveness on it's own is dangerous. Being able to determine ones assets within loss or failure is important. And failure doesn't mean a write off. Competitiveness for territory has caused wars. Wanting bigger land or wanting bigger assets cause the tensions. And then wanting the bigger, the best, the most. It's all so unhelpful. What is a useful scenario for competitiveness.
I only ever feel negativity from competitiveness. It's OK for the winners. But then look at the crowds drawn for the Olympics. There is all the preparation and getting fitter at the cost of potential problems later on. The para Olympics are seen as a great achievement for people who are less able bodied for various reasons.
I am sure there is validity to competition. I just see negativity attached to it. It sets up rivalry. Look at the frenzies that can occur over football. It brings out an aggression in people. It also brings out a camaraderie amongst the in-group but the hostility towards the out-group (Tajfel) and from this is borne prejudice and envy and anger.
Hmmm this gives a lot of food for thought.
Why do we have such strong urges for competitions. And how can that negativity be channelled into positivity as it seems such an essential human way of being. And when it's not useful how can one easily step away from it or redirect it usefully?

Anyway I think there is a human need for it and it exists of course. I wonder what M was talking about when she raised the concept. But I jumped down her throat so never actually got to know. I did hear her say that perhaps that was the wrong word and then started talking about comparison and judgement. I will never know

What I do know is that I would like to be more of a listener than a dictator. Until I know where the balance is I would prefer to listen ad observe and ask questions.
So please what do other people think about competitiveness; it's usefulness, the devastation that I see as a result of it and how to use it constructively?
Comments are always welcome but it seems no one reads these pages. They seem to be mainly looking at pages with sexual images. Well at least the Blog is being looked at for some reason.
That wasn't my intention of course. I can't remove those things because they are all a part of the journey but it does stop me from allowing people I know to have the Blog address. Not to mention people I've spoken about getting offended when I actually know it's all about me growing and learning and nothing intentionally harmful is laid in blame. It's all about removing me from the picture and removing blame ad just seeing what's left. We are all individuals trying to make our way through and some of us with a lot of distorted and conditioned thinking.
Bless us all


Bliss
XX

 

Notes on the reign of King Solomon

Born son of David and Bathsheba - David's 11th son.
His mother pushes him forward as heir to the throne. He kills his brother apparently to possess the throne.
Elevated into the semi deified being. Glimpses of the real man at the beginning and end of his reign.
Biblical sources - main accounts Kings 1-12, II Chronicles. There are differences between the accounts. The main account is in Kings.
Violent put downs of enemies to being with and then very peaceful. His main task is building the temple. He builds his own palace and other building works across his state.
Kings 11 - the only criticism of Solomon - his liking of foreign women. Condemnation of his interest in other cults.
Wisdom is played down in favour of the temple.
Both accounts are idealised and need to be taken with an historical pinch of salt.

The first temple was given such essential significance because there is the ark of the covenant wherein dwells the presence of God. The arc needs a permanent home. King David was more involved in military matters so Solomon designated the building of the temple.
Era of Solomon and the time of writing are different.

Different tribes each had their own gods and the notion of one God being recognised was still int he shadows. People were worshipping at different shrines. There was a danger of the break up of the religions and there was a need to centralise it. So the importance of the arc was borne.
It was lavish with lay overs of gold and carvings of angels.

Solomon has a dream and he requests in this dream for God to bequest him with wisdom. As he hasn't asked for more God gives him more because he hasn't asked for them.
His reputation of wisdom are renowned. The story of the two women and the baby is a story indicating Solomon's wisdom when he says the baby will be chopped in half and the real mother saves the baby even if it means giving the baby up.

Living from 730 to 790 BC
The worship of the one true God. Everything is judged according to history - puritan view of King Solomon. Theological and difficult to get to the real history of Solomon.

Ancient Israel lies between the desert in the east and the Med in the west - a land bridge.
Between Iraq and Egypt (Assyria). Sustaining great nations.
Political weaknesses due to the pushing and puling of different power blocks - north and south.

Spice route from the south which links with Queen of Sheba. Solomon founded a port near the gulf of Elat. He wanted to exploit the main trade route through Jordan up to Damascus. He made money from this.
He made alliances with the Venetians. They would not let him impinge on the westward trade but helped set up an eastward trade connection. They were great sailors.
Reading the Bible carefully Solomon ran up debts - he had to relinquish 20 villages to pay his debts.

Challenges faced by Solomon involved his dramatic over spending. 13 years building his own palace and 7 years building the temple
His people were put into servitude to the foreigners. They were effectively slaves.
He taxed his people very heavily.
His empire crumbles and is rotten within because of his treatment of his people.
This doesn't seem so wise???

He had a building programme and the motivation is presented as a glorification for God. But there must have been an ego and lavishness for himself. The palace must have been more lavish than the temple. It's all show. There was talk of a lot of gold. A passive man behind all of this and he was a bit of a porn in the succession of the throne in the first place. Forced labour were aspects of his character that were not great.
But his passiveness is also there.

The scriptures suggest that his spirituality was out of sync with that times. If he wanted to be a great king he had to have the element of display ie building.
Modern archaeology - he built his house, chariot cities, structure in Jerusalem called the Millo.
His splendour as a monarch required him to have splendid buildings. But was there any truth in this?
The areas have been thoroughly dug and there are questions whether findings actually have anything to do with Solomon and so far nothing has.
Stables were discovered - stabling up to 400 horses. David didn't use chariots so the indication was that Solomon used chariots.
Also fortified gates were discovered and afforded to Solomon
But archaeologists say that this is false.

The Millo was said to be discovered with steps and a palace on the top but it is negated that this is associated with Solomon.

There was a lot of confidence at the uncovering of these structures suggesting a similarity or unified mind behind the structures. A structured programme.
But there seems in last 10 to 15 years a undercutting of the evidence.
Solomons large administration - he married an Egyptian Pharoahs daughter connecting him with Egypt.
Minimalist position is that there is no association of Solomon with structures uncovered.

Extravagance suggests a lot of wives and concubines totalling 1000
His significance is not about being a historical figure but is based on a lot of myths. The stories were written 400 to 500 years after he was living.
He was elevated into this position.
We want him to have been this kind of ruler - wealth, women and wisdom and with God.
Maximalist view - Oriental monarchs at that time did have big harems. So there is a core of plausibility - the status of King would hold large numbers of women in court.

Queen of Sheba - she comes to visit Solomon having heard of his renown of wisdom and wealth. She enjoys riddling with him finding the rumours to be true.
There are no sexual overtones. There is debate of her having a son by Solomon.
There is a hint that Solomon fulfilled her every desire - what does this mean?

Buildings may give us more evidence of Solomon. There are huge questions about the dating of the buildings. The evidence is more from the written text itself. If it is made up then there is a lot of detail that would be puzzling. There are lists of administrative districts, officials.
There is more than fiction and instead an historical core.
The kingdom cam to an end - his own son was set to inherit.
All these foreign wives and cults he is to be punished by the division of his kingdom - Go' punishment. But it's done after his death.
Jeroboam and Rehoboam who is Solomons son. He won't give up the forced labour.
He inherits from David - he builds on that - wealth, trade routes, jewels, buildings
But then it falls back from that in his death.

His reign was and still is is thought of a reign or peace prosperity and wisdom - by standards of the rest of reigns it was a peaceful time
There were odd rebellions and incursions but he wasn't facing the invasions from Syria in the north and Assyria in the south
It was a settles time not too many invasions
A time of success and wealth because of the trade routes.
So an image of wise king was borne. He was passive - not out to war and invade.
He has flaws - he kills off the opposition and loses  Gods favour
But there is a model of a king from his image

Evidence that he took on the wisdom texts of Egypt - proverbs and song of songs and Ecclesiastes were attributed to him
Scholars say her had nothing to do with these.
His wisdom begins with scribes who were international in their outlook. Any large state had their very educated people who knew foreign languages dealing with corres with foreign kings
So there was knowledge from different cultures. They began the wisdom literature dealing with how to live life and ow to be a good administrator in court. Then they began to deal with laws and religion
Priests were in conflict as they had been in charge of laws.
Solomon was therefore known as a greater keeper of wisdom even if not directly involved.
Attribution was honorary,.
In proverbs a lot are attribute d to Solomon.
Songs of Solomon - so it can't possibly be a complete untruth surely?

Ecclesiastes - takes on a persona of Solomon.

Judaism and Islam have a collection of stories. He is the ruler of Israel and animals and can command the devils.
They contain within them the humbling of Solomon - he has this power but every so often the ant has the power. ie is smaller and thereby humbled
In Islam there is no humbling - he is only ever the great and the wise. He is seen as the embodiment of the wise ruler. Islamic theology the Calif is the appointed one of God. To rule over the whole of creation - everything and is on trial before God to maintain the purity of that role. So the wisdom of that person is important.


Today it is conflicted between scholars - there is a core of history but there is a plastic figure too. A myth.
Kingship and wisdom are moulded from the idea of Solomon
At the centre of the series of legends are righteous rule, effective rule and wisdom
And a as yet accounts cannot be proved - idealistic but there must be a historical core.

There is more info in the Bible about him than any other King.

Breathtaking Opera vs devastating riots

Bizet's Carmen. The Opera premiered in 1875. What a wonderful Opera. I saw a recorded version of a performance at the ROH I think in 2007 but I can't verify this right now.
Carmen was played by Anna Caterina Antonacci

Aha here we are
A Royal Opera House Production
Cast: Anna Caterina Antonacci, Jonas Kaufmann, Ildebrando D'Arcangelo, Norah Amsellem
Stage Director: Francesca Zambello
The Royal Opera Chorus
The Orchestra of the Royal Opera House, Antonio Pappano 2007

I loved the energy of Antonio Pappano conducting his orchestra. And the performances were spectacular. And of course the story.
I laughed watching the push and pull of fickle love and neediness of Carmen. Her power sought through the men. Of course we do not know if she did actually fall in love with the Toreador Escamillo. Don Jose killed her. Her desire for love ended up killing her.
Don Jose also exposed his weakness but accusing her of being accursed. Not much has changed really. Still today men are "in charge" and women are the problem. What evolutionary skewedness. The purpose is that men remain superior and women can be accused as the ruination. Both parties have to take full responsibility for their part for there to be any full reconciliation of this age old segregation.
It just struck me how Don Jose referred to her as the accursed and never taking responsibility for his decisions and choosing to walk away from his mother, his (supposed) love, his commitment to his work. Carmen, was empowered through her sexuality. France was already a Republican state at this time but with stark differences between wealthy and poor. Spain was flourishing at this time considering it was a poorer country anyway. I am not sure of the conflict in Spain that Bizet is referring to.  Perhaps it is simply the differences arising with the Basque societies who I believe were opposed to changed imposed on them. Although Seville is South West Spain.
Ah it was revolutionary time in Spain. In fact it was all going off at that  time. So indeed it was a time of turmoil and differences.

"The story is set in Seville, Spain, around 1820, and concerns the eponymous Carmen, a beautiful gypsy with a fiery temper. Free with her love, she woos the corporal Don José, an inexperienced soldier. Their relationship leads to his rejection of his former love, mutiny against his superior, and joining a gang of smugglers. His jealousy when she turns from him to the bullfighter Escamillo leads him to murder Carmen."

Maybe the setting doesn't really matter. Bizet wrote it late 1800's and set it in early 1800's. He was French writing about Spain. And influence by other literature of those times. So probably it's a mish mash of influences, wars, poverty, sex and love.
Anyway as an opera to view it was wonderful. I was truly spellbound. A beautifully performed play.
I would love to be able to afford to regularly attend the ROH. It's way out of my affordability - the trip to London, £180 per ticket, appropriate clothing etc etc. Oh well. At least I have been once in my lifetime and at a time in my life when I have really been able to appreciate it. And the experience introduced me to more awareness and openness.

How very, very middle class England this all is - :)

My dad called this morning. I think he had forgotten I was supposed to be working at Roehampton today but anyway I am not. He explained how ill his wife is and that a serious decision has to be made with very difficult consequences to her health to be considered whichever decision she makes. He ha an opinion he said. I am not sure how he is emotionally. He wasn't giving anything away. He expressed concern. He was phoning to say that he is taking her home for the weekend and she goes back into hospital on Monday.
I feel dreadful about the way I think. I still have so much resentment about this woman. I am angry with my dad that she has any importance to him at all. I want him only to have care for my mum. The resentment t is huge and I would like and am very very willing to let go of this. I have tried over the years to pray for them to be happy and to have all they they want together and as individuals. But the anger at the loss of my mum still settles with them. How dare she is what I say frequently. And of course this is embroiled with the fury I have felt all these years and undealt with relating to my childhood with my ad. I was a daddy's girl everyone would say and some still think. And actually yes I was the little girl of a disgusting daddy. In some ways he was great, truly great - funny, intelligent (misguided intelligence I would say), loving in a strange kind of a way. He was strong and fit. Yet he was twisted and mean. He was angry and it spilled out everywhere where my mum and I were. Years and years of lifetime with this man and never knowing that I could emotionally, mentally, spiritually get away. I was imprisoned by him and stayed there until recent years. Gosh I wonder how many people die still imprisoned.
But there is the fallout! I am having to re-learn. I oscillate between absolute adoration for him and sadness at the distance between us to hatred and fiery fury - although this lessens as I get more acceptance and forgiveness. And I truly do get more and more.
inheritance". Ha! I have no rights, all I am is his daughter and he has been distanced from me for what seems forever. So why on earth would he leave anything to me. And then I thought I would have to contest the will and fight the widow and daughters who will all have formulated opinions associated with my dads lies blah blah blah. And how I think she has a part in keeping my dad and I apart although in my heart I know that he will have the biggest part in that - his lying will make it necessary to keep me away in case I spurt out a truth that he will have to try and cover up. I don't know of course but I can imagine. And also I thought if she dies he might "want" me a little more. It might be the opportunity for us to get closer again. When my mum died I was estranged even more and then when this woman became apparent (he knew her before - bastard) then it was the biggest edge between us ever. I have so much resentment towards her. Please HP help me to be free of this resentment.
I pray HP for her to get well. I say that through gritted teeth but the caring loving person in me really does wish her well. I cannot imagine how dreadful she feels right now I would not wish that upon anyone. And my dad must be feeling something as well even though he cannot or will not articulate it or even allow it. Her poor daughters as well. My dad would probably be so co-dependent he would be likely to give more away to them if anything dreadful does happen to T.
My mum and I used to plan how we would live together when my dad was dead. We had plans! And it all happened around the wrong way. It was dad who was very ill and my mum seemed OK and yet it was she who became so ill that she died. Death and the loss - so much a part of life but so difficult to deal with.
I am still not afraid of my own death just the way of dying. I welcome my death and get this frigging torture over and done with.
The slow death of gradually losing energy and agility and ability is torture. And how ungrateful am I? Forever it's been like this and I have to be consciously focused on being grateful for the moment and that my needs are more than met. Ha ha. I am too aware and yet not aware at all.
So yes it's all about me again. I even felt guilty that my concern about feeling gleeful was more because I am scared of retribution and I will be made to suffer ten-fold for having such glee at someone else's misfortune. Ugly ugly resentments. And horrid too to admit this to anyone.
I called my friends - M, E, A to try and talk this through with them. M had fix-its. I just needed to be listened to. I listened to her reasoning. How impatient I can be. I listened to her relating but with what sounded like well how do you I have felt kind of attitude. I was talking about the difficulty I have with my dad being with another woman and this seems to be at a cost of my mum. M has that with her mum. I know that and I have it too. She turned it around though in the end to sort of relating. And she came up with fixes like be grateful I am not acting out on it. Of course I am not acting out on it. She said maybe I need therapy. What???? I need to do the work on the resentment and I can do that with Step 4 I do not need therapy for that!!! What I understand from this but am not sure is that it's difficult for her to hear the emotions and thinking. Maybe because she has them herself, maybe she doesn't want me to have to be feeling difficult feelings. I am not sure but it all felt like not allowing me to have my thoughts and feelings. What I am pleased about is that I didn't react. I listened. I could hear my impatience a couple of times an I allowed the subject to be changed onto other things simply because then I didn't have to fight. I was also pleased when she said again about A and I both getting very strong in our opinions and how that impacts on her and for the first time I said that she is the same. I said that I am trying to be more aware and alter my behaviour. And so am glad to be more aware but as yet still blundering in and only realising sometimes afterwards and very occasionally now during. So far I have not had the wherewithal to know before I open my mouth and plunge in. It is about practice though so I am not giving myself a hard time today, simply smiling at little me.

The riots! Well it is horrendous. The criminality is not acceptable. However, I do wonder what the underlying issues are? In my opinion the growing divide in this country, the lack of education - keeping the poor poor by not educating, the free market and Conservatism, the undealt with anger from centuries, the commercialism, and more ....
I am horrified by the frenzied attack by these people. I imagine once the frenzy began it as impossible to tame inside each person en masse. Motives would not be accessible to these people because no one teaches people about these things. We now right from wrong of course. And the thing is injustice seems to be a powerful force that people will cross their own principles especially when it's driven from them when young. The spiral of dissent and descent.



Bliss
XX

A free destinaton for the incurably curious

An interesting day. Signed off sick for 2 weeks which I feel absolutely dreadful about in terms of guilt with my work place and colleagues. But relief too. I do not feel able to work right now.
And a day trip to London with AB. A delightful day of curiosities.
Finally, after all these years of thinking about going, I have visited the Wellcome Foundation. And truly what a collection of curiosities, paintings and objects Mr Henry Wellcome collected.
I adored a collection of photos that were absolutely charming not only for their capture of people from lands far away (at that time), but also for their incredible photographic clarity and quality after all these years


Henry Wellcome was a collector. Quoted from the Wellcone leaflet - "entrepreneur, philanthropist, patron of science and pioneer of aerial photography. He also created the world's great museum: a vast stockpile of evidence about our universal interest in health and the body"
And what a stockpile it was - oddities from all corners of the world. Oh and the only etching van Gogh ever did, encouraged by his doctor Dr Gatchet
 This is not the etching of course.
 But this is.

I wish I could find copies of the photographs. They were truly delightful and incredible all at the same time. But anyway here are a few of the things we saw today in his part of the museum ...



       
oh rather than put all these on - see
http://www.flickr.com/photos/astropop/sets/72157607489294155/
http://www.wellcomecollection.org/whats-on/exhibitions/medicine-man/image-galleries-1.aspx

There were some really extraordinary items. So interesting and mind opening. Sometimes I am so oblivious to all that has gone before us. And also the cultural differences.
I was struck by the number of sexually explicit items from Japan and China. They were items that promoted pleasure and experiment in sex. Then we discovered the European items - chastity was the sentiment. Various chastity belts and penis rigs that would halt masturbation in a very very painful manner. Surprisingly these items were from Netherlands, Germany and Britain!!!!! No wonder there is such a sense of guilt and shame. Embrace the beauty from the Orient, where the body and sexuality is revered.

It's late. I am going to sleep. To be continued ....
Bliss
XX

So to continue......

The galleries are arranged:
Beginning of life
Understanding the Body
Treating yourself
Seeking help
End of life













This is one of the wonderful photos .....
Alfred Duggan-Cronin went to Kimberly, South Africa in 1897 to take up a position with De Beers Consolidated Mines. He observed the different tribes working on the mines and began to build up a photographic record. After World War I Duggan-Cronin returned to South Africa. Supported by government and Carnegie grants, he spent the next 25 years exploring and photographing the many tribal areas and customs. Duggan-Cronin was fascinated by black South African culture and the drastic changes he saw occurring under Westernisation. He built up an amazing photographic record of approximately 6000 images, documenting many of the groups of black South Africans.

On the trail of the adventurers

London tomorrow with AB. The British Museum and I hope we will take in "Afghanistan: The Crossroads of the Ancient World".

11th April ML and I are going to the Vaudeville to see:


Nice tio have things planned -

Age of Enlightenment

.... or Age of Reason, 18th Century. Such  an extreme reaction perhaps to the age of religion and piety. Suddenly nothing was valid unless backed up with hard evidence. SCIENCE! The move away from blind faith. How wonderful that there are people now trying to combine the two. Dalai Llama I believe is one.
 

I was stimulated for the first time in a few days by someones theatrical project - All I know is that it's about childbirth and science using famous figures through history. Two mentioned were Voltaire and Emilie du Chatelet. Voltaire of course is known to me. I have not read much and have decided I would like to know more. He was an outspoken and prolific writer. I was amused by the way in which he apparently adopted his pen name Voltaire - Airvault was the name of a family Chateau and a reverse of his pen name. But also it is said that he used an anagram of his name in Latin. Complex gentleman if any of this is true. Oh and apparently it signifies a separation from his family.
Hmmm! It was Montesquieu who wrote Persian Letters (around the same time), a satire. A Persian visiting Paris. How clever a way to write about the absurd way of life in the Western society. I should like to be that creative. Anyway, when I learnt about Persian Letters, it struck me just how ironic this would be if Montesquieu wrote about the relationships between peers. Perhaps I could write something today. I think I am still embroiled too deeply in emotions to be able to separate myself and see just how incongruous things can be. Emotions and life don't always seems to add up. Some are so too sensitive and some are competely detached. I think I will find out more about Persian Letters.

Anyway Voltaire and Emilie - or the stimulation to discover a bit more about them (which of course I will forget because my memory doesn't seem to store as much information as I would someetimes like to draw from - most frustrating because it's good and expanding and inspiring to be able to make connections and open talks with references to other works).
So reading about Voltaire lead me onto to looking at Candide. I studied Candide when I studied French at Sixth Form but I cannot remember a thing about it. Darn it! But what I read was how Voltaire was actually critiscising Leibniz's positivity philosophy. I guess Candide attempted to see things with the optimism Leibniz projected, that this Universe is the best anything can ever be. Gosh how I question this - dead against my difficulty in reconciling why bad things happen to good people. I do not like the term that everything is just as it's meant to be. It is how it is, this is the way I am more inclined to think when I am able to step aside from my very overpowering emotions. The growth is being able to observe my own emotions whilst using them to motivate and at the same time being able to encompass the philosophical approach and put a logical spin in as well. It's helpful to realise that my thoughts and questions and desire for understanding is an age old human frustration. And the same questions are being asked and debated today. So with a wry smile I am up there with the great philosophers. And I have a desire still for growth and knowledge. I expect on the last breath I will get a sense of knowing.

A Love Story


I love this story of these two people - gosh it's passionate, volatile, fascinating and exciting. I am sure along the way it was difficult and painful. I think wherever there is passion there are heightened emotions and difficulties to overcome. It is is a source of deep love that enables two people to stride forward through thick and thin, through good and bad. But of course it does take a willingness from both parties and an openess. BUt there also needs to be some sort of common ground and principles. I am supposing. Of course I am certian that this story of love is writtten with a romantic view.
Voltaire and Emilie Meet
In 1733, Voltaire was 39 years old and a successful playwright, poet and businessman when he met Emilie. She was 28, and lived the life of an upper class Parisian woman of society. When they met, they felt an instant attraction to each other.

The two certainly knew of each other before their first meeting because they had mutual friends and acquaintances. Emilie had read Voltaire's work, attended his plays and was fond of the theater. The Duc de Richelieu and Voltaire were close personal friends. Emilie had had an affair with Richelieu, and wrote to him saying, "Why did you never tell me that M. de Voltaire is the paragon of Men?"

Voltaire wrote to a friend about Emilie: "Everything about her is noble, her countenance, her tastes, the style of her letters, her discourses, her politeness. … her conversation is agreeable and interesting." They had a lot to say to each other - this was a meeting of the minds.

Rules Are for Other People
Voltaire and Emilie went to the opera, dined at the most respectable inns, and appeared together in the audience chamber of the King. This public display of an affair was considered inappropriate and all of Paris society was shocked at how they ignored the rules of acceptable conduct. But Voltaire and Emilie didn't care. Rules were for other people, and they were in love.

Police Looking for Voltaire
In May of 1734, Voltaire and Emilie attended the wedding of the Duc de Richelieu. Several days after the ceremony, Voltaire received a message from the office of one of the king's ministers that said: the author of the "English Letters" would do well to "absent himself." This was a warning from a friend that the police were looking for him. He didn't know why, but quickly left the country to escape arrest.
Voltaire learned later that a printer wanted to make some fast money by printing and selling his work without him knowing about it. Voltaire's book, the "English Letters" (Lettres Philosophiques) praised political and religious freedom in England. Government censors viewed this as criticism of the King and the Church in France. The printer was in the Bastille. A lettre de cachet had been issued for Voltaire's arrest and the police were looking for him.
For two months, Voltaire hid out staying with people he knew along the French border. He also stopped at the Chateau de Cirey, the ancestral estate of Emilie's husband, and found it was in great need of repair.

Decide to Live at Cirey
It may appear strange that Voltaire and Emilie devised a plan to live at the Chateau de Cirey and that Emilie's husband agreed to this. Voltaire loaned the Marquis 40,000 francs at low interest to pay for the renovation. The Marquis gained a home in the country where he could hunt, and Voltaire paid for Emilie's extravagant spending. This arrangement made sense to Emilie's husband.

Voltaire had always wanted a home in the country where he could write. Renovation of the chateau began in August and Voltaire and Emilie made the chateau into a comfortable home. Voltaire was a wealthy man; they wanted for nothing, and lived in luxury.

The Love Relationship
Those who knew Voltaire and Emilie were interested in their romantic relationship, and stories about what transpired between them at Cirey. Madame de Graffigny, a guest for three months at the Chateau de Cirey, wrote to her friends that Emilie had a lot of jewelry which was likely gifts from Voltaire, and that the couple spoke in English when they had arguments. It was details like this that people found most interesting.
Madame de Graffigny also wrote that visitors were only entertained in the evening. Voltaire and Emilie worked during the day, frequently sent notes to each other and often met to discuss their work. Guests were expected to stay in their rooms, read a book, or entertain themselves. Thus, few people understood the intellectual world in which this couple lived.

Intellectual Relationship
Both Voltaire and Emilie had a desire to discover the "truth" and to write about their findings. They both wanted to make an impact on the world. The bond the couple had for each other was greatly due to the work they were doing, both jointly and separately, and how they supported each other to achieve their goals.

The Search for the Truth
Voltaire and Emilie collected a library of 21,000 books, which was the equivalent of a university library of the 1700's. The library included the work of writers from ancient times up to their present day. Time was spent reading, analyzing, and discussing the work of many writers to determine what they believed was the truth on many subjects.

What were the subjects that were of greatest interest to them, and about which they wrote?

Metaphysics: This is a division of philosophy that is concerned with the fundamental nature of reality that is outside of what can be perceived with the senses. Voltaire and Emilie were seeking answers to questions that have been asked for centuries and are still asked today, such as: Is there proof that there is a God?, What is the soul and is it immortal?, Does man have free-will?, What is the origin of evil?, and Where do our thoughts come from?

Moral philosophy: Of special concern to them were problems such as: What is happiness?, the nature of pleasure, social good and evil, rewards and punishments, equality, and the relationship between passion and reason.

Physics (also referred to as natural science in the 1700's): Both Voltaire and Emilie were interested in the work of Isaac Newton and in the sciences.

History: Emilie's expressed a lack of interest in history because it was just a recording of wars and conquests. This led Voltaire to include in his historical writing the accomplishments of the great men that contributed to the advancement of civilization.

Critical deism (criticism of the Bible): Voltaire and Emilie did a detailed analysis of the Bible to form their own opinion on whether this document was a valid basis for religion.

Much of the results of their research, discussion and analysis on the above topics are the subject matter of Voltaire's writing. 

Collaboration and Critique
In the Introduction to the "Elements of the Philosophy of Newton" published in 1737, Voltaire states that he and Emilie collaborated in the writing of this book. They both believed that bringing Newton's work that explained principles of gravity, optics, and light into the French language was a work of major importance. After this joint project, Emilie continued her study of mathematics and completed her translation of Newton's "Principia" which Voltaire had published after her death.

Voltaire's original manuscripts have comments in the margins written by Emilie; and Emilie's manuscripts have comments in the margins written by Voltaire. They read each other's work and made suggestions for improvement. Voltaire frequently praised Emilie's intelligence, saying she was a genius, and dedicated almost all of his work to her during their fifteen-year relationship. Possibly Voltaire's dedications to Emilie are a recognition for some degree of input that she made to his work.
Voltaire and Emilie had similar values and supported each other's intellectual goals and achievements. This was the part of their relationship that others did not see and helps to explain the high regard, devotion, and bond that they had for each other.

Voltaire wrote to a friend shortly after Emilie's death in 1749, "It is not a mistress I have lost but half of myself, a soul for which my soul seems to have been made."

Lost Correspondence
During their fifteen-year relationship, Emilie saved all the correspondence that Voltaire sent to her. She had his letters bound into eight books with red morocco leather covers. This correspondence has never been found.

I have no idea if plays or films are made of this story. But I am now enlightened not reasoned.

Bliss
XX

Gathering of fertility and flirtation - Guerewol

Beauty is the mother of lust, and lust, according to Plato, is “the fiercest and most despotic” of all urges, driving men “most powerfully to all kinds of lunacy”. The power of beauty to disturb is universally acknowledged, and as a consequence many cultures have evolved philosophies to reduce its influence, usually by depicting it as decorative and thereby intrinsically worthless. In certain societies, however, beauty is accepted as something wonderful in itself and is celebrated accordingly.

The Guérewol (Guerewol, Gerewol) is an annual courtship ritual competition among the Wodaabe Fula people of Niger. Young men dressed in elaborate ornamentation and made up in traditional face painting gather in lines to dance and sing, vying for the attentions of marriageable young women. The Guérewol occurs each year as the traditionally nomadic Wodaabe cattle herders gather at the southern edge of the Sahara before dispersing south on their dry season pastures. The most famous gathering point is In-Gall in northwest Niger, where a large festival, market and series of clan meetings take place for both the Wodaabe and the pastoral Tuareg people. The actual dance event is called the Yaake, while other less famous elements -- bartering over dowry, competitions or camel races among suitors -- make up the week long Guérewol.The Guérewol is found wherever Wodaabe gather: from Niamey, to other places the Wodaabe travel in their transhumance cycle, as far afield as northern Cameroon and Nigeria


Annual gathering At the end of the rainy season in September, the Wodaabe travel to In-Gall to gather salt and participate at the Cure Salée festival, a meeting of several nomadic groups. Here the young Wodaabe men, with elaborate make-up, feathers and other adornments, perform dances and songs to impress women. The male beauty ideal of the Wodaabe stresses tallness, white eyes and teeth; the men will often roll their eyes and show their teeth to emphasize these characteristics. The Wodaabe clans will then join for their week-long Guérewol celebration, a contest where the young men's beauty is judged by young women.
Music and dance The music and line dancing is typical of Fula traditions which have largely disappeared among the vast diaspora of Fula people, many of whom are educated, Muslim, urbanites. This is characterized by group singing, accompanied by clapping, stomping and bells. The Wodaabe Guérewol festival is one of the more famous examples of this style of repeating, hypnotic, and percussive choral traditions, accompanied by a swaying line dancing, where the men interlink arms and rise and fall on their toes. The Guérewol competitions involve the ornamented young men dancing the Yaake in a line, facing a young marriageable woman, sometimes repeatedly over a seven day period, and for hours on end in the desert sun. Suitors come to the encampment of the woman to prove their interest, stamina, and attractiveness. The participants often drink a fermented bark concoction to enable them to dance for long periods, which reputedly has a hallucinogenic effect.



I wonder how I missed this when I was in Niger. No one mentioned it - mind you I think I was there in October.
This festival of infidelity was most interesting a concept. It's like a controlled and acceptable event of sex with another woman or man. I wonder how the partners are actually affected emotionally about this.
I also wonder how this has evolved. There is so much infidelity int he world - is it simply pure temptation and a growing loss of fidelity and investment in something else? Or is it something evolutionary? Is this festival a way to control the urges?
I wonder how the marriages are affected though. Is it a way to find out how strong the love is between the two people? Is there any residue of jealousy.
In the documentary The  Human Planet, the wife of the entrant spoke as if there was a fear and jealousy but was also interested n sex with another man.
Well this has raised a lot of questions - I wonder what psychological research has been done into fidelity and infidelity.
I would like to explore it further but right now I have so little time.
I might email the prof from the lectures late last year.

Interested Bliss


I was in Niger as a guest of UTA. They invited me in relation to a business client whose travel was managed by the office I ran in Aylesbury. For the life of me I cannot remember the name of the company. hey were in the line of industrial diamonds and were mining in Guinea, West Africa.
It still comes to my mind on the occasion we received a call requiring our urgent assistance. A family, the man (husband and father) being the Bridge (whatever the rest of the name of the company was ) employee, had gone for picnic by the river. hey had taken one of their sons friends with them. Apparently the two boys were playing by the river in the family land rover. The Niger River, the same river I was later on when visiting with UTA.
Anyway the boys must have slipped the handbrake off and they rolled into the river. The man jumped into the fast moving a very muddy river. They all disappeared and their bodies were never recovered. It sickened me for such a long time and thinking of my trip to Niger reminded of those business travel days and then the association and then the horror of this situation. We were involved in organising the fights home for the man's wife and child. What a haunting event that was for me. I wonder how that woman ever recovered and the parents of the friend too. God! Why?
So I was a guest amongst a small number of other guests. The only person I recall from the UK contingency was the UTA rep. I do remember being very anorexic at that time.



Oh that reminds me of me buying a very small sized business suit ( I was the manager of the office - and incidentally I am proud of the fact that I was at that time the youngest ever manager employed). Anyhow I bought this little grey suit - mini skirt. I wore it for the first time. Getting into the car seemed really difficult as the skirt was so tight. Anyway I parked my car and sort of tottered in this skirt and high heels - to get down the curb to cross the road I had to sort of take a little side ways leap, legs together as I could barely move my legs in this skirt. I took the lift up to the office and my Assistant Manager MB just burst into fits of laughter, she roared at me, trying to tell me that I had not taken the stitch out of the slit at the back. Such relief to be able to stride again!!!!

Anyway Niger. What a trip. The UTA rep spent most of the time stalking me. I slammed the room door in his face on more than one occasion. For some peculiar reason as the only person with any semblance of the French language, the main language apart from the West African dialects was the main way of communicating. So I became the translator for the trip.
So many weird and wonderful experiences.
A trip by canal on across the Niger River to a river island for lunch - crocodiles were in the river at the same time we were in this flimsy canoe - 8 of us and it was so flipping low in the water. I threatened them all not to move!!


3 star luxury hotel supposedly - The Sofitel, Niamey. Mmm well what can one expect in West Africa. I remember the cockroaches running across the bar. But hey the solution - get drunk!


We were accompanied by a couple of guys - West African and taken to various places. Those I remember:
A fantastic French restaurant where the owner chef was also an amazing photographer. He had a continuous film show whilst we dined of his photographs in the dessert. I then had a longing to experience what I had seen in his photos.
Oh my gosh I have found the details - Tabakady (E): French cuisine. Phone: 20-73 58 18. Reservations required. Opens for dinner at 19:30h. A very pleasant restaurant, decorated with photos of the Sahara Desert and the Tuareg. If you ask in advance, the owner will show a slide presentation. The food is excellent. Off of the Place de la Republique, on Avenue de President Karl Carsten.




A nightclub - oh man! Hands on my bum, up my leg, on my breasts and it was impossible to see where they were coming from. Lots of French men in there and black girls. Shit it was awful. Unknown at that time of my life but I sat down and just wanted to get out of there. Every so often they turned out the lights and man people were just disgusting and completely disrespectful. I remember in hindsight laughing as if it was all fun but actually I felt horrid there. We had been walked there - of course no street lighting etc. And were instructed to wait until our guide came to collect us.
The safari - another incredible experience. By this time I was very friendly with the guide. I can't remember his name now. I wish I had kept all the photos but like every step of my life I just discarded all memories and kept running until recent years - anyway stick to the story .....
We were taken by Land rover - with very dodgy suspension and no air con - a four hour drive if not longer to the north eastern tip of Niger. One helluva journey - I was upfront with the guide and trying to understand his French to translate to my co-travellers, every so often stopping to tell the others in the following land rover. We travelled for hours and it was flipping uncomfortable.
There we were accommodated in huts. I was shown to my hut - a scorpion in the shower unit and a bed full of creatures and a rug on the hut wall that was moving, I didn't dare peek. Needless to say I decided not to sleep that night.
We learnt that electricity was available for an hour in the evening - so we sat in the al fresco bar drinking under candlelight all night. I was teaching drinking games and we all got very very pissed.
The next day we were taking for a walk in to the jungle area- it's odd because I was confident it was the very northeastern area- in the shape of a W - but looking now it doesn't make any sense. I should have written all my experiences as I went along but I was far too much up my arse.
The safari guide was splendid in his costume. I did notice that he carried nothing more than a stick - a very long one by just a stick??? He spoke no French or English so it was all sign language from here on - and grunts. Somehow I was nominated translator nonetheless. I remember smiling a lot at him.


He started whispering frantically at us. I saw nothing but he stopped me/us from taking another step as we watched a snake, apparently a black mamba we later found out, slither across the path in front of us.

I don't actually recall any more of that walk after that which I have only just realised. I can't remember continuing or getting back to the huts. How odd!
I do recall the experience of him stopping the next step.
Leaving the hut base I remember two of the waiters, well I think they did everything actually, giving me there addresses asking me to write to them. I wish I could say I did. I promised to send them the photo I had taken of them. I never ever did. Poo!
Well here are the details - the safari W was southwest (3 Hours) of Niamey ot north east at all!!

W National Park is a massive park named after the 'W' shape of the Niger River in it and is a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Simmilar to the large game parks of eastern Africa except that the landscape is less open and more shrub-filled and forest-like and there is less of a presence of large herbivores than E.Africa. Three hours south of Niamey, it could easily be organized as a day-long trip, but to fully enjoy the park, an overnight stay is recommended. The conservation project ECOPAS is working to improve the park's infrastructure, protect its inhabitants, and attract tourists. ECOPAS's Niamey headquarters can be consulted for tourism info (tel. 72 53 48); they also sell printed books/guides for/about the park.






On the way back I asked our guide if he could take me to the desert to see some dunes and to meet some Tauregs. He was so congenial. He did. Well he did the next day. He picked up up early and off we went in these rickety old Land rovers of which he was so so proud. We had tea with a Tuareg family. I can;t remember the content of the conversation but I remember learning how they travelled such long distances. There were little children and goats and cloth to sleep under and shield from the breeze and the heat. And that was it. Probably if I remember anywhere near accurately a small family of maybe 10/12 people. I had a great photograph (I paid a lot for it in their money) of the head of the family. I have a vague recollection of the colours and smile - simple happy lives. I am sure struggles beyond anything I could comprehend even now.

After this our guide said he would like to take me to his village. It was fascinating - all mud huts. I watched girls making bowls - mud bowls. This was not a tourist village at all. Then he took me to meet his mother and his wife. At this point I did not quite understand him. The others were nearby walking about the village. It dawned on me he was suggesting he and I marry and that my dowry to him should be a car. Ha ha ha!
I remember the situation but I cannot recall what I said or did next. Needless to say I declined. He showed me the hut he was preparing for his 2nd wife. He was pretty affluent there as he owned these two vehicles and ran the tour business. Nevertheless I declined.

Just flash memories exist of us being invited to dinner with the General Manager and he invited 2 local girls along to dance and sing for us. I had little to eat as it was mainly meat and all I was prepared to eat was fish. They kept serving this great big ugly fish from the Niger. It tasted as vile as it looked. Nile Perch I think it was:




Oh and I recall being taken to the market in Niamey - phew the meat area - grat big bulls head lying ther ein blood covered in flies - yuch. We walked around and saw many fascinating but not so plentiful foods







On one of the road trips - I can't remember where we were going - I stopped and bout a leather covered box from a boy on the side of the road. He was sitting there making them. Unfortunately I was made to get rid of the box after I was in treatment as I used it to store my cocaine paraphenalia. I really regret doing that. It was kind of special as the boyb was so so lovely. I think we went to another village that day and I remember all the kids running and clinging on. At one point i was completely surrounded and could not get to the others (also surrounded) and I felt quite scared but then I realised that they were just happy happy happy. Laighing and chatting. I really do remember the happiness despite of course their lacking in comforts.
Oh and I remember the boy at the market who walked on all fours and being old about how at birth parents break their kids bones so that they are deforemd and can beg. I saw deep sadness in his eyes - remembering him I remember thinking I will never forget his look an d never ever complain about any ailments I have again.
Oh my how I have moaned about my ailments recently!!!! Short lived memory .
Memories from Bliss
x

His name is crime

Some lines from Rigoletto - Hugo or Verdi ?? - not sure but incredible insight. Opera is such an emotive way to witness a story. An experience to behold an evening I shall never forget.
I really nearly cried during Rigoletto's loss. A sadness so deep, a lifetime of it. The twisted and cruel attitude that the world met of him seemed I thought his only defence to protect his tenderness, his vulnerability.  And he kept his beloved daughter Gilda hidden from the world who in the end became his Achilles heel. Secrets and lies - that's the crime.
Secrets the destructive force - the crime and the punishment. Honesty and openness can overscome all. I realise more and more that understanding what honesty and opennes actually is, does not come easily. I thought I was honest until I was shown. Poor Rigoletto, his world was shrouded in secrecy and deception.
What an opening scene - an orgy. Women being being, bare breasts and hussies. Men with men. Sex and debauchery. A Duke with long forgotten principles - debauched with excess. The slave in me was excited by the demands on the women ..

The Royal Opera House, Rigoletto -

The first time -
the awe, the auditorium,
the colours, the glory,
the audience, the fervour,
the moods, the posing,
the debauchery, the excess,
the sounds, the story,
the emotion, the fury,
the fantasy, the words,
the intent, the sorrow,
the end.

Master allowed me to keep in contact with him through the evening. This was one of those occasions where the slave in me was less prominent. I was more like an excited child.
P was so generous not allowing to pay for anything all evening. It was an expensive evening for him.
It was interesting observing him sort of making a presence in the gay environment but how the hell does he take the next step to be socialising freely with other gay men. He is more refined than purely seeking out sexual experiences.
The front of house manager in the restaurant became quite an attractive feature. Good physique, nice looking. P seemed more interested in a much prettier style. Interesting. Funny sitting there picking out men but at least he was active in looking and talking about it.
I did not feel at all disloyal to Master. I was not looking with any desire. There didn't seem to be anything wrong in observing attractive men or elements of them that were appealing. Maybe a way they carried themselves. Equally seeing unattractive behaviours or features.
Furthermore, I kept Master informed throughout my evening. My journey there, sitting in the auditorium, the meal afterwards.
Master asked me to contact him when I got home. I was so pleased he wanted this of me. I sent him a message and squealed with delight when he responded. It was the early hours of the morning. I was afraid I had woken him but he assured me this alright as he had asked me to let him know when I was home.
I crept into bed pretending not to want to wake him and was delighted when he stirred. How I wanted him to touch me, hold me. He sleepily paid attention to me and smiled but clearly wanted to return into his slumber. I loved him deeply and snuggled into him, slowing into his peaceful breathing...... and fell asleep.


Master introduced me to Wild Ride. Master seems to subtly drop new sources of erotica. Wild Ride writes seductively. More poetically than simple comments.  I like his choice of pictures very often.
http://ridingwild.tumblr.com/page/1


Masters requirement of me when visiting the toilet is an act of arousal throughout the day. Wild Ride and Just a Little Bit have also been pathways to maintain sexual excitement.
A lot of today has been plain old getting on with things. Supposedly studying, a nice walk friends. And then I returned home. Toilet requirements and online erotica - I can be brought into control within seconds. God! It's good. God! It's surprising.


The assassin asked Rigoletto the name of the hit - "I'll tell you his name. His name is crime and my name is punishment".
The crime he lived was wanting women, more and more women. Loving sex with any woman he could take.
I can feel my heart hurting today with that thought. I find it so interesting that on some days I am stronger and ready to think of Master with any women he wishes to have. Remembering that I have my place in his heart too. Then other days I am less tolerant of the idea. When I can get back into sexual arousal then I am once again better able to accept this possibility. My insecurity quietens again and I am back in my place.
I am yet to understand this fully.
As I allowed myself a glimpse as Wild Ride I therefore found myself calming and getting wet. Becoming more and more desiring of Master. His daily choices none of my business. Grateful that he wants any time with me at all. Am I naughty viewing this pages? Should I have permission from Master? It is wrong to view this and be stimulated so easily. What else could I do to allway my insecurities when this works so completely?
 I am excited as well as curious about Master's knowledge of such erotica and the way in which he introduces it to me. Does he know what he leads me into? He says that it is all new discoveries for him too.


He says he will summon me this evening. God I am waiting for him. I am wet and full of desire. I feel guilty of this too as he might think that all I ever do is get aroused.  I make myself ready for him should he want me at anytime.



My arousal can easily drive me away from every day things that I need to get done. I need to study. I need to study. I need to study. I enjoyed walking with A and co. plus the doggies. Sharing with whomever would listen about my joy of being introlduced to the Opera.


Patiently awaiting Master. Wondering what he has been doing but no longer trying to control that with angst.
Trying to make sense of this path I am currently journeying through.
Hoping some day people will have suggestions to my questions.


Bliss