Universal truths

At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was  not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.

So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is  work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.

Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.

I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.

Bliss
XX


 

Buried on a glast

I just want to share that every so often sadness and loss washes over me and it can briefly be so very overwhelming that I have a moment of thinking what's the point. It's fleeting thank goodness. And have a change within me that challenges the instant thought of going down into the bleak blackness.
This feeling of just not wanting to carry on washes over me with the overhwlming sadness and remorse. I feel so sorry for the "shit" that I brought to my mum and dad. No wonder my dad didn't like me. How do I ever say sorry? I continue some of the "shit" with one unsatisfactory male connection after another. Accepting what's not acceptable from the very start because I am just grateful that someone shows an interest in me. I know that they are nor suitable but think I can overlook those things so long as the attention is given. But very soon I ralise that I cannot overlook those things especially as really those ar the things most prominent in reality. The things that are the attention are just the niceties of courting and flirting. What I am sofening on is that I have to discover this and usually know within 6 to 9 months and then can be honest and leave the relationship. That is something my dad would never give me the benefit of the doubt that I will discover and move on. So I stayed in it because I was too scared to leave. As if leaving a relationship is a crime. It's what it's all about - discovery and making choices. He on the other hand committed to my mum and stayed regardless ad similar probably with T, although perhaps he was really happy. I hope so.

I watched Mumfoird & Sons. A first experience despite hearing some of the songs subliminally. They were phonemenal last night. Energetic, folk, good lyrics. I think I spotted a look of being out of it in a couple of them and that made me feel sad. I felt sad because really my journey through adulthood has been " a bit if a train crash" to use an anology I really don't like. It's been a lot of muddle and often left a lot of people marred. I feel so sad about this right now. I was reminded by my sponsor that I have my Highper Power. I took 15 mins of quiet time this morning and saw how busy my thoughts are. No moments of silence at all. I smile as I know it takes more practice than the zero I've put into ti. I pray for the willingness to take quiet time. And I know that this might bring me some quiet with the sorrow that I'm feeling.
It just feels as if it's been a lot of adventure but with this underlying focus on being too fat ad ugly and not good enough. I remember being with M and not having any worries about liking music that was diffrent from his choice. But there was an arrogance of not thinking he was choosing good stuff. But I did want to sound "cool" with JP. He was cooler and more discerning and so I listende to what he liked. Now what's that about. And it mattered more what he thought of my choices. I bought albums that he liked. The person Iw as with would never be a good choice. That was a part of it. That's what my dad was like with my mum and I. We weren't good enough, everyone else was who he wanted to be like or admired to the point of idolisation until they showed their flaws and then he would drop them. He was so easily let down.

Anyway I really need to get on with some studying.
Oh a couple of hours chat with LW - no sex talk ad he was very very tired. I wonder what this is all about?? Baffling. He talked abnout being a grumpy man. Typical! I didn't like what I heard about his grumpiness with his sons. Tiredness and irritability are one thing. Acting out on it are another thing. He was quite right though in his understanding of his not knowing how to be the father to them having had not guidance himself as a child. Where does the learning come from without role models?
I had a friendly text from G too. Just when I'm constantly sitting with the loneliness I suddenly get contact from men. Anyway it was just funny banter and then I responded and he stopped. I think that's usual for him. It would be nice if we can be friendly. I know for sure I do not want aything more than that!!
I would quite like to be able to hand over his things from my car.

I am debt free I was able to say this morning. And heard myself saying that I've sort of created all that I always thought about. No real responsibility of a property. I living in rented accommodation. It's plenty big enough for LouLou and I and wonderful views. The sunset colours last night were stunning. And it's peaceful. I have my own front door, well a rented one. It's my own space rented from someone else and after all I can't take it with me and have no one to leave things to as in chidlren so what's the problem. I can't afford to travel as I'd like to and I can't afford to just buy things as I'd like to. I will probably need to take a loan to buy a new car at some point. i don;t want to be travelling so may miles as I do but that's the way it is to get to the job that gives me the income and a lot of relaxed freedom. I hope PD and I make it work.

What else? I don't know if there is any more.
I have absolutely loved the Glastonbury Beeb 2 highlights. Mumford and Sons were a sheer delight of an experience for me. Nick Cave as usual grabs something deep in my soul. Le Freak by Chic was good to watch. What is it about a man like Nial Rogers that is so beguiling by his look and the way he moves. God it's a sexy move. And black men like him. I find it very compelling viewing. Arctic Monkeys were brilliant. The Rolling Stones - how I wished I'd been there. Yes indeed some good acts. I would like to have been there very much. A dry Glastonbury as well. That would make it all the better! If I have a spare £200 odd next year then perhaps I'll go. Am I too old for the camping. When I start thinking of my numbers I wonder what the hell I'm thinking of but when I start thinking I just love the atmosphere and the music I don't give a damn about my age!!
I really do love music and dancing. It's good to move. I wanna move my body. Hopefully Tone will want to stay out for the first night at Uni and if we find somewhere for ML's birthday on the Tuesday it'll be a chance to move and laugh and try not to be self conscious OR on the "lookout". Just relax and enjoy being me. I need to keep turning away from those thoughts of "hmm, he's nice" or "he's looking" or "is he available?" etc etc.
I would like to meet someone who is on a spiritual journey and where we can meet with values principles and morals. Someone who is patient with me and loves me and is available to be loved. Someone who is comfortably off financially and not worried about me not having any money. Someone who has interest and is inspiring, someone who is not judgemental overly but has an open minded way with opinions. Someone who is presentable and attractive but not a flirt or vain. Someone who is loving, giving and sociable. Someone who likes to laugh and has a good humour, intelligent and bright. Someone who is emotionally intelligent and manages their emotions well, someone who may even be beyond the damage of the past at least moving out of it and taking responsibility for themself and being accountable today. Someone who won't mind that I make lots of mistakes with this. And someone who will tolerate me learning to tolerate them.
I'd like to meet someone handsome actually and with money and with all the other qualities and even more than those that I haven't thought of to list. Someone who enjoys music and going out. Someone who likes to travel and can afford for him and I to travel together. Someone who supports my food plan and recovery and someone who is secure int hemselves and good at reaassuing me about them. Someone who is decent and honourable and sexily comfotable with themselves and is happy to gently experiment.
I am looking for this man. And also I'd like this man to be accessible location wise.

Are you there Mr? I believe you are. How are we going to find each other? It would be nice if you were looking for me too? Hey you? Over here .....

Bliss
XX






 

Principality

A lot of emotions I've felt last few days and last weekend. Grief - mum, dad, me. By me I have thought about my inability to really stand by my principles for myself. Particularly with men and ending up tolerating situations and ways that just do not fit me. Last night I was crying really missing my dad. I needed to find some photos for my qualifying today and gosh seeing pics of him and I and then wondering how it got to be so far away when he married Theresa. It's all so baffling. I have been talking a lot to him this past week. I have been relieved he's dead and now I'm beginning to miss this ideal version of him. Also I've really felt the remorse and guilt for all of my.behaviours and the impact on him. My dad was angry and stayed angry right to the bitter end - with me. I regret how people feel because of me. My dad was angry with me for existing it seemed to me. So much hurt and now loss of him to ever find out how to be friendly together
Bliss
xx 

Irretrievable loss

Women seem to deal with loss and grieve better than men it seems to me. Men don't seem to have a clue.
Loss seems a death to men is about losing and it makes men want to get even. There is anger. And get back at something or someone when there's nothing to really gain.

It seems that some people really liked my dad. The way his step daughters spoke about him.

How can I help anyone in my job without being a trained wife, daughter, partner, friend, human being.
It is different being a therapist, seeing someone else's lie is much easier with academic knowledge and training.

I learnt more about my father over the last years than I ever did beforehand.
Some things my dad did were just awful. But with T he seems to have done things that I just could not associate with my dad. Who was this man they talked about. A wicker coffin, a man who liked things he's never liked before. He was interested in things like the cinema and cruising when he wasn't before.
I had thought he was disregarding my mother somehow.
He chose this new life.
He chose other people when I was younger, other women, lies and not my mum and I. I thought for as long as I know that he didn't like me. He didn't like very much at all. He thought things I liked were pointless. I thought things he did were awful and his interests futile. And yet I looked up to him
Not everyone makes a good parent. My dad always said he would not make a good parent and didn;t ant to be a parent.
I guess he did the best he could with all the deficits of his own childhood and adulthood.
It's not me being defective but circumstances. I was not a bad person. I have to say that again - I was not a bad person as I believed I was.
I only really have learnt anything about myself - selfishly focused? I have been working on me and the sadness I wasn't able to be changed enough to really really make amends to my dad. I would have wanted him to know that I had changed and there were some things that really were still troublesome for me. Men.
I did say to him as he was struggling to breathe that I didn't understand what it had all been about. At that time I was still feeling the victim. I don't now. I took so much difficulty to his door simply because we were so different.
He didn't seem to hear me. He was unconscious at that time. They say hearing is the last thing to go. Maybe he heard me and knew I was there. I think I said sorry. I say sorry now dad.
I swear I felt his presence and a whisper in my ear of a mans voice saying sorry. I was falling asleep leaning on G but I heard it. It was before the reading of the Will and it was at the reading that I realised the sorry was for his disinheritance of me. He didn't come through for me. I didn't come through for him either.
It seems all so futile now.
I don't have anything of his that represents these last years. It would be something to hold onto as I try to let go oh him gradually a I did with my mum. Instead I have to do this in a more abstract way. He's dead and gone.
There is no time left. I see that clearly now. Time is precious and it's irretrievable.
I wanted him to say something meaningful to me and all he did was tell me off and feign sleep to get rid of me.
I wish I had been able to say something far more meaningful to me. I wished I had been able to ask him if he actually loved me. I wanted to ask him if he liked me at all, ever.
I should have been there more often - I was afraid. I was afraid of him doing and bein nasty to me.
I was afraid that after a litime of hating him he would be suddenly okay with me. If he could love me ... then what. It didn;t mean anything after all these years I suppose.
He hadn't been able to just accept me as I was. And so we were so far apart.
I remember the day I was about to get married and he said soething about not having to go through with it. I was too scared as I thought about the congregation, mum etc. I wish I had said that I was too scared for those reasons. I wonder what he would have said and done.
People say my fatherloved me and he did what he did. How do people know that?? I don;t think he did even though he said it. I loved him and hated him.
I can be the father to myself now. Really? But I don't know how to be the father I wanted to have!!
If a client asks me about me and my father I can say "I'm a therapist - what do you think?" and laugh.

Bliss
XX




 

Grasping at water

I feel like shit!
I think it would be easier to stop trying to live in this world. It just feels too flipping difficult!
I've felt like this before and come through it. I've even had wonderful times. BUT it doesn't last.
Today I learnt from the solicitor that there is no basis for contesting my dads will. Now I feel injustice and helplessness. It's just awful
And amidst and troubled conversation with G he said that he doesn't want to talk long - the novelty has worn off. We've got to know each other now. It's a woman's thing talking at length.
So the novelty has worn off. I think for him it ma actually be over. Which is fine. It's changeable. It will be him ending the relationship and that's what I've wanted. In that way he changes the story. He will no doubt have all the reasons why he had to end it because of me but it is actually a change from women ending it with him.
Funny thing is I hate that it's not me making the decision and yet I've been questioning it for ages now. I don;t like the way he is grumpy with me. Whether it is me or not that's contributed to how he's feeling it's never clear. He's sulky and silent. He has this relationship with D and that's not really okay. He is so flipping sensitive there can be now way through things. All in all it doesn't look good. He's a nice man BUT ...................
I hate losing the things I like and I wanted to be wanted but blimey how many times have I been here. And in this relationship it's been on/off/on/off. I feel love for the man. BUT ......
I look at him and see some attraction some of the time. Other times I just don't. I have had a wonderful sensual time with hi. BUT .....
Well right now I want to stay focused on the things that aren't good about this encounter. Because when I start writing all that's good my heart melts. He's is a good man in so many ways.
BUT ...........


I feel such loss. NOT for my father. Good riddance. And that's my anger. I feel resentment even hatred for him. I want to feel love and forgiveness. Please Universe help me, show me, guide me.
I want to hold out hope but truthfully I know there is none. I remember when my mum first died, I kept suddenly realising she wasn't ever, ever coming back. It seemed impossible at times and I expected to hear from her or see her. And it's the same with the money. I keep thinking it's not true and something will resolve. But it won't. This is it.
It's horrible.
I feel deflated and I am not sure I can go on. I feel as if I've been holding it together for my entire life only for my father to do this to me.
What on earth was on his mind?
He was a very nasty, unkind man. I wonder why I am surrounded by unkindness. My father, his wife and men I have met and so on and so on. And when I am writing that I think it's just me, how I perceive things.

So ...... I don;t want G to not be liking me. That feels awful. I don't dislike him. I wish people didn't decide to dislike me. Am I really that unlikeable? If so then there really is no reason to go on living. I am trying to hold on to the fact that there are people who are always there regardless. E, R, A and G,.
My dad hated me - it's so hard to live with that. And here's more evidence with G that I am unlikeable. That I fuck everything up.
I cannot carry on like this. There either has to be a corner in the world where I can go and it will be okay. Yet I know that there is no such place - it's in my heart and soul but I cannot find it there either.

Universe help me. Truly help me - I need help to die or find a way through this.

Fuck it hurts in my heart and soul. How many more times can my heart and soul be so devastated.
I want to feel grateful for life and I just don't.

Bliss
X

The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde

Gosh! What a story. Why is it that when a loyal friend dies it is heart breaking?
I would like to tell you this story. I will only be summarising it.
A swallow fell in love with a reed. And all Summer amidst his fellow peers, he courted the reed. Flying low over the water and creating silvery circles with a light touch of his wing.
It soon became time for the swallows to move to warmer climates and his friends encouraged the swallow to travel to Egypt with them. But he was in love with the reed and said that he would stay with her.
As time passed he became tired of the reed accusing her of being a coquette ad flirting constantly with the wind. He was also bored as she did not speak with him and share ideas. Ad so he decided to set off to join his fellows in Egypt.
As the night feel he decided to settle on a ridge to sleep and just as he was tucking his head under his wing a drop of water fell on him. He was perturbed, looking at the clear night sky and bright stars wondering how it could be raining and so tried to settle again. He felt another drop of water and complained about the pointlessness of a statue that didn't shelter him from the rain. And when he looked up what did he see there. The statue of the Happy prince was crying from his sapphire eyes.
H stated his complaint to the Happy Prince who explained that he had been living in a beautiful palace with his family where sorrow wasn't permitted and so he was named the Happy Prince. The Happy Prince recounted " and happy indeed I was if pleasure be happiness. And so I lived and so I died. And now they have set my up here high above the city so that I can all the ugliness and misery ...". (This suddenly gave a different sense of what contributes to happiness - happiness includes taking pleasure from things but is not exclusive to this). As a statue he said that he could see sorrow even with his heart of lead. When he died the courtiers set him up on these high pillars in all splendour of jewels and gold to commemorate the Happy Prince. His eyes had been turned to sapphires and his clothes were a splendour of gold. His gold leafed sword hung from his belt and was studded with the most beautiful ruby brought from India.
The Happy Prince told the swallow about a very poor, sad woman who's son was very ill with fever and crying for oranges but all his mother could bring him was water. He asked the swallow to remove the ruby from his sword and take it to the woman so that she can afford to buy oranges to help her weeping son. At first the swallow resisted the request saying that he needed to rest as he was going to Egypt tomorrow. The Happy Prince asked him to stay just one night and help him with this task. The swallow conceded and did as the Happy prince asked.
Of course the woman was overjoyed and thankful. The swallow returned to the Happy prince and said how on this cool evening he suddenly felt very warm and joyful in his heart. (And of course this is another contributory factor in finding happiness). The swallow was curious about his warmth and the Happy Prince said it was because he'd done a good action.
Each evening this went on, with The Happy Prince asking the swallow to deliver various jewels from him and deliver to people in need. Each time the swallow resisted slightly but agreed to stay one more night.
He flew around the city and was recognised as a very distinguished visitor and felt good about this.
There was a student in his garret unable to finish a play but was too cold too write and he was so hungry he felt faint. The swallow with his good heart agreed to stay just one more night. The Happy Prince asked him to take one of his sapphire eyes. The swallow delivered the sapphire and the student believed that someone was beginning to appreciate his work and now he could make a fire and complete his play.
The next evening asking the swallow to stay one more night. The swallow complained that it was winter and too cold. The Happy Prince talked of a little match girl in the square. She has dropped her matches and this will mean her father will beat her and there was no food. The swallow didn't want to take his last sapphire as the Happy prince would then be quite blind. However the Happy prince insisted and so the swallow did as he was bid.
Returning to the Prince he said he would stay with him always as the Prince was now blind. He sat by day telling the prince of his stories of his travels. The Prince asked him to fly over the city and tell him what he saw. He saw the rich making money whilst the poor sat at the gates starving and he saw black corners with the listless hungry looking out at the streets.
Under the archway of a bridge too little boys lay together trying to keep each other warm. The watchman turfed them away. He told the Prince who said the swallow must take off leaf by the leaf the covering on him. The happy prince became quite dull and grey. The poor became rosier and were no longer hungry.
With the cold and the frost coming the swallow grew colder and colder and tried to keep warm by flapping his wings. He knew he was going to die but had enough strength to fly up to the Prince to say goodbye. The Prince though he meant to go to Egypt. The prince asked him to kiss him on the lips for he loved him.
He said he was dying and that death was the brother of sleep.
There was then the sound of a curious crack and the fact was that the leadened heart of the prince had broken and snapped in two.
The mayor was in the square below the next morning. As he looked up at the statue he remarked on how shabby the Happy prince looked - in fact he is little better than a beggar. And he saw that there was a dead bird at his feet proclaiming that birds should no longer be allowed to die here.
The professor at the university said that as he was no longer beautiful he was no longer useful.
So they decided to put the statue in a furnace and decided what was to be done with the metal. The mayor said that they should replace the statue with a statue of himself.
What a strange thing - the broken lead heart would not melt in the furnace and threw it on a dust heap where the dead bird was lying.
God said to his angels bring me the most precious things in the city. The angels brought him the leaden heart and the dead bird.
God said that in his garden of paradise the little bird shall sing forever more and in the city of gold the Happy prince shall praise me.



G talked about this fairy tale and also the Selfish Giant both by Oscar Wilde. G is quite an extraordinary man and is interesting to talk with. I like it when people can introduce me to new things. He told me that when he read this he cried. I cried in my heart although not actually tears. I can feel the pain just as I did with the Velveteen Rabbit, That connectedness of love between tow unlikely beings. And the injustice of death and loss. It seems so unfair when they had bonded through adversity.
But more than this I can see in this story ways in which happiness is an action from within. Doing things despite oneself and because one can. Doing things for other people and bringing joy to them. Taking care of others when there are so many that cannot or will not. All that kindness and generosity and love. And yet there are so many striving for happiness through pomp and self gain. They appear happy and untroubled but I think they are blinded by their "things" and their ego. They cannot see beneath the surface of themselves and their leadened hearts.
It is heartening that God takes them into the garden of Paradise. And by this I don't know if there is such a place. If it is actual or not. But what I do know is that they died with true happiness, with love and achievement and fulfilment.
I was wondering what it is in me that I feel so sad for their passing. The Happy Prince died with a broken heart. The swallow died for his love of the Prince. is that just the way of things? I suppose it is. His time was up. But I'm thinking that if he'd gone to Egypt sooner he would have lived longer. But in living longer he would have missed out of the happiness of togetherness and love with the prince and the warmth of heart in doing good things for people in need. He would not have shared his experiences and memories like he did with the Prince. I can see that the happiness is there and is a culmination of many things. But that sadness that I feel? Ad the fact that people who are taking and have things even live longer, it all seems so unjust. Yet those people never get a to feel the way the swallow and the Prince felt. They can often by-pass those beautiful soulful things.
It's a battle and it's the battle I've had for a long time. Reconciling that sense of injustice, why bad things happen to good people and vice versa it seems. It's a lifelong project to make sense of and I probably never will until I die.
It is how it is.

Then there is the issue of G. I have enjoyed mulling over ideas. I am uncertain as to his motives and perhaps I need to be clear about my motives rather than concerning myself with what he is wanting or not. I can get easily sucked into the excitment of attention. And I need totake stock of this. Three have been the texts and now this has progressed to phone calls and they are late at night and lengthy. So we are simply mulling over ideas and that's very likely all it is for him. However for me it can mean anything. And this I need to be aware of. It creates unmanageability as well. One, there is the wondering and that in itself causes problems of not telling people that I am wondering because in fact I do not fancy him for what he presents overall. I can see he was probably once an attractive man but today he has a well lived in face and one tired from drinking and angst. Two, his financial situation is not at all sound. Three, his sense of self care shows thourhg his standard of dressing, i.e. dirty old trainers. That may sound fickle but he doesn't present himself as someone who is taking care of himself. However, to get to know as a friend is OK. Within that I need to be boundaried. I cannot talk for hours late into the night. Unlike him I do work and do have studies and need to sleep. I cannot spend hours ad hours chatting as much as I'd like to. I also am not in any way wanting any kind of relationship. So I need to be better around this. If I cannot tell people then I muct not do it.
So from now on how do I set boundaries God without being rude and rejecting him especially as he said that the slightest glance away would be received by him as rejection of him. I want to be thoughtful and that would have meant knowing this in the first place.
He has been in fellowship about 25 years and when I asked how long without drink, he said he struggled for many of them. I understood this to mean drinking and when I asked how long he said 24 3/4. So now I don't know how long he has actually been abstinent and there are times when I wondered if he'd had a drink.
He has been very honest with me abnout events and behaviours within his life and within his drinking and that is something I feel very honoured to have heard. I do not want to create a bad feeling and yet I need to be boundaried.
Please God can you guide me here for the best of me and my well-being and for him and his well-being.
Thank you God. I trust you will show me how from a position of love and compassion.

You know what is attractive about him? His depth of thought, his openness to discuss these sorts of things, the way he draws from little things like films and fairy tales (it appears that he is a man with emotional awareness then), his obvious intelligence, his wit and his laugh. These things are the things that I am drawn to in him. They are there and very real but they are all it is. I need to keep that realistic otherwise I can end up sucked into something blinded by these few things without seeing the bigger picture. And then I feel ashamed of the person because I am ashamed of my selection. I feel ashamed for what I choose that is not good enough for me.
Does that make sense?
It's not the person I'm ashamed of at all. I make no judgement on the person and all those things pale into insignificance anyway so long as I keep in mind that I am not enetering into anything more than friendship.
Of course I make a judgement on what is OK for me but not in a judgement as in right or wrong of them. Am I amking that clear? I probably need some clarification with other people. I know what I mean. I hope someone else will understand me. I do not crticise any individual in my judgement, it is merely of what meets with my own needs and principles that I am judging on.
It wasn't like that in the past though.

Bliss
XX



 

Blob-di-blob

It's mighty cold! A wonderful day to walk though. Very cold but with the sun beaming through. There is something so satisfying about getting home into the warm after a walk in the fresh and cold air.
I had layers and layers on so actually didn't get too cold in my body. My face was fresh and ruddy.
Now it's a little cold - I can feel a chilliness around my feet so getting Val prepared (hot water bottle).
I have studied well today. Not fast but well. I'm taking heed of study skills for my learning styles. I am slower than many people who are attuned ... however, it doesn't mean I am neither stupid or incapable. I just need to take time. Which is something I have little of.
I need to update my CV and get it off to the recruitment agency. I would like to work more locally. Just seeing people getting ready ad leaving later in the morning and getting home earlier is tantalising.
I am very thankful to be employed and grateful to have a job that I enjoy - not necessarily the company and its politics but the work itself.
I can afford to pay my bills. Not a lot more and yet today I have booked the OUPS overview day and also employed the services of P to help me compile the case study. I need it out of the way and I have little time now to get it into something orderly for presentation. If he can help me then I will be delighted. I think I was trying too hard but also had procrastinated too long. Now I need all the time available to me to study. I would like to do well over the next 2 years. They matter in the weighting but also the past 2 years have not been great marks. Part of one year spent with JH and the other finding it difficult to really concentrate. I hope the menopause fuzz doesn't play such a big part this year.
How lucky it is I'm on annual leave this week. As for the past 2 days I have had a period. The first after such a long time. Maybe so much as a year or more ago. I feel sure that there have been very light spottings. But this is a real drain. I ache through all the lower half of my body. I had noticed the piercing pain in my right side, lower than my abdomen, most certainly to do with my female parts, had been hurting more.

Realisation - not fancying a man at all but just not being able to help myself. They are attentive and nice to me and I just can't help myself and suddenly need them to continue to be nice to me. And then if it seems they withdraw even slightly I get needier and believe that I do fancy them. Then I am also ashamed of this need of someone I don't find attractive.
Why? There must be something about them that must trigger something in me. I know one thing is feeling a person can take care of me. And on Saturday what was odd behaviour by a man I know may have dipped into this.
What actually happened? Well in the morning previous to leaving I was incredibly anxious. Social phobia of a particular sort. The large amount of people, the awkwardness of being alone. I spilled it all out to my sponsor who said she could hear my anxiety. She helped me to slow it all down. I just needed to breathe and if I was sitting on my own I could trust God that I would be OK. She was so right. I knew it.
Anyway as I was checking in L was behind me. I felt a presence. He didn't actually say anything. Strange I thought. I smiled and said hello and I would imagine appeared pleased to see him as I would with anyone I have known before.
As we moved further into the cafe, he said "hold on a moment". He slowly reached forward and moved a hair from my eyelash. I thought this was a very odd thing to do. He is not attractive to me physically in any way whatsoever. He is a nice enough chap though although at times speaks so quietly and quickly I can't grasp all he says. I noticed though that as the day went on he was clearer in his speaking. perhaps that is his own lack of confidence showing through. I felt quite indignant at this act though. I didn't say anything yet wondered all day about his motives. Yes indignant I remained. And yet ... there was something good about it that someone would do something like that. Perhaps he does fancy me and that's a relief as I feel so unattractive and incidentally I don't attract any men to speak with me who I find attractive. Something all so unconsciously odd going on don't you think.
As this week has gone on I have wondered what it was that permitted him to do something like that. I wondered if he had read about it or been told about it as a chat-up action. Indignant I remained. Then I remembered what S had said to me maybe some 2 years ago now when I was indignant with ego back then about a man. His exact words I don't remember but the inference was that I had something to do with it. What was it about me that gave him permission to do it? I certainly didn't put any boundaries down after the event although he didn't do anything like that again during the day. He was nothing but courteous. What the hell would I have said anyway? I will raise this with B.
And then he took my email address. I didn't not want to be friendly and keep in contact although before I hadn't given him a thought after the last course and OUPS days. Hmmmm. He emailed me the next day and I replied by that evening. I knew I was compelled to reply yet ashamed as I do not fancy him in anyway whatsoever. Is that being just friendly? Is it? I don't actually know. It's like not knowing what a helathy sized meal looks like. I have no idea.
So I am glad to have spoken about with A this evening and also get identification so that I don't feel so weird and disgusted with myself for my return email.
I need some help around this. I don't know what a healthy bottom line would be. I know that it feels wrong for example to maintain contact with JC. I mentioned it to B but haven't dropped the contact. I wuld hate it if my partner were doing what he is doing. It's simply having that contact an constant intrigue without anything ever develping beyond that. But it's not deent to his wife.
Some people would say well there is no harm being done. But there is. It feels rotten to say, sorry can't be text friends anymore. I have only flirted a few times and then ever so subtly and he hasn't responded. Yet somehow I get the feel that this is not all OK. He was having a sex affair, he loves another woman who has cut contact with him. Hmmmmm. All is not OK.
It's more obvious to me probably because I am getting more and more clarity all round.

The lectures on Saturday were so interesting. PTSD. The first was about PTSD in children. William Yule reowned it seems as he is called in to help with incidents arund the world where there is mass devastation. He was involved in the Herald of the Free Enterprise and the effect on children. It was only that long ago that people started to identify that PTSD affected children. Of course originally it was etected in veterans of Vietnam. Beofre that I guess it was called shell-shock.
The next speaker Emily Homes talked about visual imagery or flashbacks. Now I was intrigued as the the association of reliving traumas through visual memories. I wondered about D who has no visual memories. Would there be emotions from past memories if there are no images. Would these people ever suffer with PTSD if flashbacks are such a part of the condition? Interesting research perhaps.
There is a term for not having visual images but I can't find it and Emily said it three times without me really getting what she was saying. I felt too embarrassed to ask again.
Then who? And about what. Oh yes the biological state of PTSD. What was going on in the brain. David L - can't remember his name. Clearly very knowledgable indeed but I found it repetitive and actually felt very sleepy by that time.
Then Peter Naish and his references to hypnosis and EMDR as possible cures. To be honest I'm not sure what else he was saying.
I was indeed very interested in the training that William Yule made reference to. Specialised training of psychologists to be able to treat large numbers of children as well as finding the resource to treat individuals. I would imagine anything I could get involved in would be difficult and costly but how fantastic to be working alongside him if ever there was a need. In my dreams.

Studying has gone well today. I will be getting another early night as I feel achey and drained of energy with this flipping period. Not to turn against myself as B reminded me this morning. I am disappointed but I don't feel down on myself. As she said it's very symbollic of things flowing through me. I have always felt a period is cleansing. And also she made the connection with the unusual event of last week in group. Did I write about it?
I don't know. I have spoken about it a few times so maybe I did maybe I didn't. It's very relevant on 2 accounts really. 1 that it was supernatural and they are few and far between yet interesting, 2. I have been thinking about the pregancy terminations I've had in the past and feeling sad - grief.
I was in group co-facilitating with S. A client was being asked about situations in her life. I have been feeling immense sadness anyway around her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something white on my arm and even felt a feather-lite weight there. I thouht it must have been my scarf and lifted my arm to shake it off and back into place. As I looked there was nothign there and I had a sense that it was a baby. After the group I explained this to my colleagues who took me seriously when I thought they might not. When I verbalised that I had a sense it was a baby I felt very vulnerable. I felt vulnerable because I thouht they would think I am too strange to be allowed to work with clients. Anyhow they didn't, they both were supportive of the concept even saying that it was some deep connection. The S revealed that the client had had a baby terminated. This is what I am connecting with her at a visceral level. I didn't know about this. I so wished I hadn't shaken the baby off. It needed holding and grieving. For her and for me. I'm not connected to any emotion as I type this. However, when I was speaking to B about it she said something, I can't remember what, and I felt the sadness rise in me and tears formed. I am already geetting used to this though. I would have been a mother to boys and girls but I killed those babies. One termination in particular was very difficult for me. I actually had an induced birth. Painful and quite weirdly traumatising as I was drugged up and in and out of a doziness. I had to be awake of course. Horrid! I made those awful choices and am not proud that I was simply too scared to tell my mum. She would not have approved. And prior to that I simply was too selfish to give up my life. A has said sorry to me which was a realisation for him when he discovered he could not have children with his wife. How sad for us both. I could not have a child with me. So selfish and yet it was the decisio a th the time. Thre is no going back. I give those children to God to take care of. That was when I connected with the sadness and can feel it slightly now.

More and more I am connecting with God. I am very thankful. I feel a shift in my negativity. I hope with God's help I will continue to heal and grow.

I am grateful to fellowship and thank God for my engagement with it. I am pleased I have made a commitment to no relationships with men for a year. I do not want nor need a relationship. I need the space to develop a relationship with me, clean of food, God and the fellowship.

That reminds me I have not made 3 calls today. It feels too late now. I will make some calls in the morning and at lunchtime tomorrow.
Thursday already - I would love more time off with pay without losing leave entitlement. I do not want to be without emplyment - just less time spent in work without losing any income.
God if it's Your will please can you help with this. I know I need to update my CV. Let's see if I can do a little of that now.

Oh and have been watching Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress. What a beautiful little film by Dai Sijje. It's mainly autobiographical.

Bye for now
Bliss
XX

Order of service - oddity

My appeal for extension is being considered. Hopefully favourably.

It is horrid though as they required proof. Fortunately I brought the order of service home which apparently is sufficient

It was horrible scanning it and sending it. I can't quit sobbing now.

I suppose it had to come out. I am not even sure what I am sobbing about. It seems impossible Lisa is dead.

Loss is so strange. I don't think I believe in life after death in the way that I have supposed from what I have heard in the past.

Oddly I didn't sense my mum and Lisa on the bench this morning - I tried to see them there but just couldn't I turned as I walked away and waved.

I am not sure that this is my previous understanding of life after death and signs and messages from a sort of returning being. It's something much more that I cannot explain at all. Or I don;t know how to explain.

I hope I get the extension as I am really really struggling to stay focused. Plus I was awake asleep awake asleep throughout the night.

Even ending up emailing my auntie at 3:05 knowing that she is awake usually fro 2am until about 5am. No reply which was a relief as I am hoping that means she slept all the way through for the first time in ages.

Sorry to keep sharing all this. Normally I internalise all this because I think it shows that I am weak and pathetic. Death is death and get on with it - it happens. My dad would be as cold as anything - not a tear or even a change in his expression  which told me masses really. He told me that he was desensitised to death - never getting close to people truly after the first few deaths and killings when he was such a young man in the army - sent to horror zones such as Yemen and Korea and Borneo etc. Horrid battles. I see that in him - death is death, he's right but it evokes loss in me which I need to allow to heal in the way humans seem to need to do it - crying and hurting and crying and trying to make sense of it and crying and ...... whatever it takes. I have more acceptance more of the time regarding my mum and it is fortunate that I was in recovery to learn this.

I am glad I am mortal and there is an end to all of this - it will happen and I am not afraid. The Priests sermon was about death coming to us all.

He told a story of a farmer in Africa (the Priest was African with a very STRONG African accent). The farmer was walking through the planes one day and was being followed by a lion. He carried on walking and the lion walked behind him keeping pace. The farmer sensed him there. He tried running but still the lion kept pace and when the farmer glanced to see him, the lion was getting closer. He tried standing still and soon the lion was upon him. He likened the farmers walk to death. We cannot escape death. We are born and then we are like the farmer walking walking, running walking and eventually we have to stand still and then it catches up with us. He did make note that it seems worse when it's one so young. Thankfully he didn't say God wanted this one early or anything. Nonsense in my mind. It is what it is.

I hope you don't mind me writing all of this. It's simply musings to get the sobs to stop. They are subsiding now. The request for the Order of service I think was a strange help for me. I hope I can re-focus now on mesolimbic dopaminergic pathways involved in stress triggering addictive behaviours and schizophrenia. Ha! And then we die.

I hope this doesn't seem to morbid and understand if you decide not to read it.

Bliss

xx

R.I.P

My mind is amuck with the events of today. Family interaction, death and infinite farewells, Our is not to reason why? But why? I recognise how different I feel from all of "them". The way in which I could just stand there all alone feeling separate and spare. J cackling her laughter and northern utterances of "eeeeee" in remark of this or that. Mark's internal tremble of loss. People not talking with people because of "what about me?". No tears, endless tears. Stoic little girls, lost little girls, left alone little girls. Mrs niceness, broken-heartedness, incredulous sobs, aged resignation, oddity, chatterings, sandwich munchings, feeble mutterings, drinking, smoking, choking. There's nothing I can say. Grant us wisdom. What is this? Anyone? I am battle weary. Relating and remarking and smiling and crying.
I nearly fell asleep on the way home. I actually would not mind if the last breath was taken but I would not want to take the last breath of another.
Shakespeare's Titus is tragedy upon tragedy and violence and meanness. All of which exists in this world in the name of that's how it is. It is how it is. Here and gone again. There surely is nothing beyond. This is it!
People will have their souls black in the words of Shakespeare. Some will turn to the white light. I do not know. I know nothing. Nothing makes sense. Sense means what?
I am tired. Truly tired. It does seem pointless. I feel too tired to go on, truly. But that is not my choice apparently.
Titus: When will this fearful slumber end?

I send love, love, love.

Bliss
XX

Letter to A

Thank you for reading my texts. And responding.
It's strange in a positive way but just recently I have been better able to simply observe myself within my emotions and thoughts. Not always immediately but after writing what's going on I seem able to literally stand back and take a view of myself. As a result I have been feeling that I embracing my feelings. Even writing that I can observe myself. It's another phase and what I observe is how surprised I am and analytical of it. However there is quite a freedom that I am feeling, like breathing in early morning fresh air.

I think I will give my dad a call just to enquire how his wife is and him too. :)

I too know how relationships stir up so much in me. So it is not surprising to me that so much is being stirred for you. From my own point of view I was really questioning with JH whether it was addiction or true connection. And I think on reflection that I can see that there was a bit of both. There was also avoidance for certain.
I respect you for working through each day.
I really believe that there is the courting stage, however each of us do that. I have always chosen to be full on, living together etc., early on in any relationship. How I view that now is that it's been my way of courting i.e. getting to know the other person and "us" together. Oddly enough I have always met people who want to court in the same manner. For myself it's probably not ideal because I get so ensconced I find it difficult to move on when I have realised I am not compatible after all.
However it has been my way and I have found out whether we can work it or not - and each stage of life has as well brought differences - I think early on the men were very similar. Has that changed? Well I think some things have shifted but underlying anger has been consistent. Is that typical of today's man? Who knows.
I would hope that I get to stage in my development when a relationship is easy. A person who is easy to be with. I realise that they way I am will always have difficulties for me - people with people.
I see how I have little things with people I know. But with the people I love in my life - You, E, M, A, R to name those that are amongst the most important, any differences and difficulties I experience pale into insignificance compared with the love and easiness I generally feel. And I realise the difficulties are always mine not the other person. However relationships I have been in have revealed to me that the differences seem to grow and unless the other person is able to as well, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to overcome them
For example my insecurity with JH's various lies and attitude with women "friends" was something I could not overcome. I became angrier and behaved like a screaming banshee and began to hate myself and him. He was who he was. I like many many things about him  though. But oddly enough as I read the occasional email I receive from him I can see that there were so many incompatibilities. And clearly we couldn't find a common ground on some of the things that for me really mattered and the lesser issues weren't even evident. So I see how courting is a matter of time.
Blimey there are so many ups and downs of relating. It's a miracle that through the centuries humans have managed to survive (said tongue in cheek).
On the periphery of your relationship I realise that I know little a I don't see you together. By that I am not suggesting it needs to be otherwise. That was interesting for me to realise that as I have got older I am less involved in my friends relationships. I have never met N - yet I understand as E has never really been secure and now it's not even a relationship. I feel for her accepting these crumbs when I know she wants more but convinces herself this is OK. I know R's partner A because I stay with them. But the time is really spent with R and admittedly when I first met him I was quite rude about him. I was so ashamed about that (in early days of recovery literally and no idea what honesty really meant). However I have got to know him and like him well enough. I don't always approve of the way he treats R and see alcohol plays a part sometimes but I guess as my friends are courting then I am also getting to know the person as a friend. It's interesting how it all works.
Of course with I I only have your version of him. And also only your version of you two together.
I hope you don't mind me reflecting these things. Of course with an email you can read what you like and throw the rest away..... :)
Nothing I am writing is meant to sound in any way critical.
You are my friend and I love you very much so what I wish for you is happiness and contentment.
I hear your sadness.
I have felt so sad when writing Step One - reading what a complicated, abusive, painful life of relationships I have had. Sadness for the lack of the relationship I would like actually can still crave with my dad. How that gap with him is unfinished business within me and somehow I think contributes to creating gaps in the way I relate with men. Perhaps the gap is closing or altering shape. The grief deserves some healing time I think and I need somewhat to do this clear of a relationship. The men have never been enough to fill the gap between me and my dad. I am filled with sadness recently about this rather than rage and anger.
In the theory of grief this might mean that I am closer to acceptance - denial (decades of that - mainly thinking I was the problem and using) - anger ( decades of this too - inappropriate mostly but changing more recently to recognising the resentments and having spoken with him feel this was a release of some of the rage) - Bargaining ( oh my gosh - manipulation, changing personality, trying to be who I thought he wanted when that didn't work being everything he thought I was, coming between my mum and him, siding with him - all sorts of ways of bargaining) - Sadness (I have been sad throughout all these decades but the sadness has always felt so painful I think I turned it into anger and using to avoid the pain and if the pain was bad enough I would have to let it out but it came out in tears and desperation which my dad just rejected even more. I even cry as I write this. I closed the sadness down and now it's all coming out. I cry for my life time without my dads love for me being me and now as life comes towards an end I am just stricken with this sadness of a gap wider than the universe itself - it's such a pity, Especially as I have seem he relating with other people and craving that from him so much but all of the time not just in the glimpses of relating he has done. He has never been able to sustain closeness with anyone. I feel sad for him too but maybe that is misplaced, perhaps he is perfectly happy - I have no idea) - and coming towards acceptance (I have moments of acceptance which is big big progress. I am not sure I will get there as a destination but the moments of it bring me also moments of serenity)
So A this was a lot of blurb but very therapeutic for me. And all inspired from reading about how you are facing things on a daily basis. It is so much easier to be an observer from the outside - so I admire the way you can do this when you are sharing with friends. I just stopped doing that when with JH and never did it at all when with SH. And before that I was truly as mad as a hatter - drink drugs etc.
I think you are courageous and gracious in facing your relationship on a daily basis.

Interesting that I has discovered his boundaries regarding criticism. I am sure we talked the other day about you seeing how far you could push him. And ew yuch I know how I cringe when receiving feedback about how my behaviour affects someone else. I am always glad in hindsight but at the time I loathe it. Thankfully I am less likely to justify and dodge. I try to receive the feedback. Ha ha I have to almost dig myself into a trench just to stand still and try not to show any emotional reaction so that the person does not know that I am hurting and ashamed. Who me? Faulty? And yet I spend so much of my time feeling faulty and not enough. It's so complex huh!

Just a wonder on my part ..... do you think with I reacting rather than not dealing with this is a sign to you that he values the relationship? I just think I saw this in myself - there is a commitment sort of thing to work through something that is a challenge for him and he hasn't ignored it and walked away. I write this as someone saying that they want to be with me and are committed (as much as anyone can be) isn't enough. But someone who wants to work in togetherness i.e. not trying to change me but saying what is or isn't working for them and how I affect them is a sign of good friendship.
I remember the first few times this happened with E and it helped me realise that the friendship was strong. We weren't going to just gradually phase out, we could talk and hug and love each other even when there were difficulties and found ways to compromise with our differences. For me it seemed to be a security.
Regarding E at the moment it's me who ha actually separated myself. As I feel a anger with her at work, I perceive an attitude that I don't like. There is a grandiosity with a belief that she is level and friendly with everyone. I know she has a busy workload but I find a laziness outside of this zone. Wanting other people to do menail things that she thinks are not her responsibility. It feels demeaning actually. Simple things like getting a client to speak to her about funding. We can ask a client to speak to her but I do not feel that I am the one to always be chasing the clients on her behalf. We can all do that. And I get to a stage where I just withdraw and moan about her rather than challenge this. I know I am fearful of her temper. When she withdraws she withdraw with a cutting edge in her attitude. ON the other hand I have experienced E very differently when we have spoken. I could say that I feel undermined the next time there is an issue of not wantng to do things. I haven't had any direct contact with her as I haven't done P's job for a while. But over this next 2 weeks whilst he's away there will be more contact. So when I feel surprised I need to say something.
It was interesting the other day hearing how unhappy she is with the company. There was something bonding about that. I haven't talked to her of my disappointment and disgust and the lack of employee care. All the good staff are leaving and I want to leave too. I am hoping that something will present itself. I do not want to be working within a unit that is full of rubbish. It is not good for my morale and also it matters when looking for another job to be part of something that has been a success and not to have been around during the doldrums. Know what I mean? Mind you it is my opinion only. I liked what it was and the team that were there. I just don't like this style and it doesn't suit me nor me it. So hopfully there is an availability somewhere that is more compatible.

Before this with friends it's never been like this. People have always just disappeared or rejected or gossipped or something that has felt like rejection and so I have never trusted and gradually didn't bother.
With SH I always felt in the wrong. He was always angry with me for my behaviours and blaming and so there was no way to talk an find balance.I had to change or else. And it got to the or else in the end. I also felt so threatened by the need to change that I became stubborn and even things I could see needed to change were things I fought against. I think this was related to the fact that I was blamed for everything and he didn't want to take responsibility for anything. When he made his amends recently he said sorry for the anger after we separated. I wonder if he has any thoughts about the period before or if he still blames. Interesting as I reflect on it as I would like to make amends for some inflexibility on my part whilst in the relationship. That was my insecurity becoming a blanket for the things I was responsible for. One of those is the confusion I had about time with SH and then time on the phone with friends.
 More recently with friends I so know it's not about them, it's about me. I get angry at first but recently see more quickly that it's me and know that I will find a way of saying something about my feelings.


Well after this epic email - avoiding studying and tidying too - but also good to type out some emotions and thoughts about me. It was really relating to a lot you are saying.

I hope your weekend is relaxing amidst the ups and downs ....sending you lots of love

Oh I accepted 1 1/2 days extra leave for the 2 weeks standing up for P. Seems reasonable I suppose.

Bliss
XX

Beyond the white wall

I met my father and it was OK - a little stilted in conversation at times.
I said some things that were exaggerations of the truth and as I was saying them I knew this, I felt uncomfortable and wish I could have stopped. Then I did stop. I just stuck with the truth. I know that I wanted him to be approving of me, especially as I wanted to ask him about financial support. It's so sad that I feel it necessary to do that. I have never, ever felt good enough for my father. He has incredibly high expectations on everyone. He criticises just everything anyone else does. If I can keep my observer hat on, I think I can see that it's all his own lack of self esteem. He needs to belittle others so that he at least can appear superior. Of course it is impossible to know this for certain as he would never say this was the case. But there are little indications. My problem is that I get ensnared so rapidly into the criticism and then wanting to appear at least acceptable somehow. When he criticised his wife's daughters, I was gleeful in side, the little girl me in me joyful that I might be at least better than them. As I write that I can remember at about 4 years old wishing my dad liked me more than he liked the neighbours' daughter. And I can remember at 13 yrs, the same thing with SK and LK. He was happier with them. He was always like that with friends as well. And I recall later being so angry that he always put everyone above mum and I.
So there I was in the coffee shop, that little girl. Exaggerating, desperate, longing for him to say something approving of me. Making me feel as if I am worthwhile after all. He didn't even bat an eyelid! Completely pointless. And it was then that I became completely aware and stopped. That was a relief then.
Instead I listened. We exchanged the usual after he enquired if I had heard from anyone. He told me that Uncle B is practically paralysed and I felt so very sad. He was hyper critical of Auntie B of course. I think he is a misogynist actually. There are no women I have ever heard him say anything that could be considered respect. Maybe once after mum died.
Then he started talking about his military time again. This time he was talking about his training in the para's. He asked if I remembered that they had started out as a group of about 120 or 150 I think he said. I hadn't remembered at all but I agreed nonetheless. And he went onto remind me that only 10 of them got through. I asked what happened and he said that up to the last so many jumps - I can't recall already how many jumps he said, people were either kicked out or had the option to leave. Clearly they left in droves. I guess jumping out of a plane is just far too scary.
Oh I remember how we got started on the military topic. I had enquired how JB. After a series of sharp critical comments about how badly JB is doing the job (my dad used to be his boss) of the fleet and how remiss of his responsibilities he is, he went onto say that JB continues to be more heavily involved in his personal pursuits. Time and again my dad has told me how he introduced JB to the HAC and since then JB has an acute interest and spends his time absorbed in the soldier thing. I would be interested to hear JB's version.
It was JB that told me once about my dad beating up a sales rep at work. Not long after my mum had died I spoke with him. He worshipped my mum. I get the impression that he is a very sensitive fellow. He said that he had seen a gold glow from her coffin in the chapel. He asked me how things were with my dad, knowing that we weren't really speaking or seeing each other. I was knew to all my emotions and only months in recovery at that time so I am certain that I said something trying to be honest but filled with fear and anger - a lethal cocktail of emotions when it's age old. Anyway it was then that JB talked about my dad's aggression at work and this specific occasion when a sales rep did little more than visit. I don't remember if the rep had said anything slightly or badly untoward at my dad. What JB reported to em was that my dad was pulverising the guy in the doorway and JB and some others had to get my dad off the poor man. JB implied that he had to cover for my dad quite a lot in similar ways around his aggressive attitude and violent behaviour. I do think JB sort of idolised my dad too. Maybe I recognised something that I know in me and it wasn't like that at all. There was certainly a strange and more than boss and assistant relationship. And I don't mean sexual, oh goodness no!
Still, this is wondering far from the point. Having spoken about JB's and his inadequacies he told me how JB had asked my dad to go and visit his mother in hospital. Now according to my dad he had never met her before so this was surely a strange request from JB. But everything is always slightly muddled because there are so many mis-truths. This reminds me now again of JH
He talked about his training jumps and how dreadful he was. He wasn't sure how he did actually get through. Wondering how, it was then he said he was determined to stay despite hating it and once in the period of the final 4 jumps there was no leaving. On reflection this sounds convoluted but I didn't question it further. In the past his manipulation of the truth would infuriate me, seeking to understand why and feeling so disrespected. Did he really think we didn't see through him with each perplexing lie? As I reflect on this and as I practice remaining detached, keeping one foot in my own reality I  feel more tolerant. It is just how he is, I don't have to be involved anymore. It is less personal. I am aware that it is how he is. He is another perfect man but not perfect for me. So the anger is simply not consuming and in fact hugely diminished because I am less hurt. This is progress.
One of the jumps had been scheduled from a plane but there was some kind of issue so they had to jump from the balloon, which he hated the most. They jumped through the bottom of the basket. He didn't explain further why this was so much worse for him. This particular night it was very dark, pitch darkness and he couldn't see any lights on the ground because it was Oxfordshire, few street lights or houses where they were. It was pretty breezy but he couldn't tell the direction. Someone had once told him to carry some tissues, and if it was difficult to gauge the wind speed and direction release one. He did this but it was so dark he didn't see where it went. What he could hear was cups and saucers clanking low beneath him and he recognised that this might be the tea hut. I have forgotten what it was associated with. Anyway not knowing where they actually were, he ordered the jump. Jumped out first. I am guessing that sergeants jump first? He could hear the cups and saucers getting louder, and with his 4 or 5 soldiers behind him realised there was a problem. He wasn't where he thought or wanted them to be. And I guess the rest is inevitable because he crashed through the roof of the tea room. He laughed as he was telling this. It's good seeing my dad laugh. He can be a very funny man. I didn't laugh as much as perhaps I think he wanted me to. He went on to say that years later he met a man that was actually present. I am so used to his mis-truths that I then thought that perhaps he said this to try and verify the story. Always second guessing him, trying to stay one step ahead after years of being used to be duped like a fool.
I really have got a bee in my bonnet about people thinking that it's OK to develop trust only for so much of what they say to turns out to be lies. Why can't people be OK with who they are and if they are not then change it to be how they would like to be?
I can be the same, when my self esteem is low, so I am not saying that in judgement. I say it with my continuing desire to improve and be at ease with my conscience.
There were other "jump" stories. From a plane when he nearly hit the Dakota under tail. Falling 250 foot before the attached cord opens the chute! That's standard not a tale specific to him. Another soldier getting into difficulty and going into a spin so the man on the ground was oblivious to my dad doing it "wrong" again, hands in the wrong place etc, landed on the man on the ground and smashed the stand his was on! Another and another, I have forgotten the detail sadly.
But he hated that feeling always and every time. His officer did ask him how he got through, my dad informed me. I enquired when his first jump into active duty was. He told me it was Palestine and that went OK, no issues, no concerns about the jump. I suppose each and every man had his mind on other things.
There ended the brief glimpse into his past and we came forward again. Him meeting the Queen and Prince Phillip recently. The Queen speaking to him. Questionable and Prince Phillip too. Apparently my dad has a video of the event and afterwards the press bothered him trying to establish what exactly was said. I told him how a journalist had got my contact details from my listing on BA Friends Reunited and had emailed me via FRU asking if I had any information at all on Carole Middleton, Kate's mother (soon to be married to Prince William). Apparently Carole Middleton was a stewardess at the time I also worked for BA - I was quite surprised and actually felt indignant at the lengths the press will go to to dig up the dirt or just get an insight into the person. I suppose when anyone comes into the public eye we are inquisitive to know what the real person is. I just have a distrust of the press as they seem to want to shame the person quite often. That's a very harsh judgement as I am sure there are decent journalists who have goodness in their intention.
My dad seemed disinterested in this too. I don't seem to have anything to say that is particularly interesting for him. I say very little really of the things that I am truly interested in or what is going on. I don't think he would be interested in that either and so he doesn't know the real me or the whole me. I would like him to be interested in me but he never asks about me, just who I have spoken with that we might both know.
Then he said he needed to go - it was approaching midday and we had met at 1030. So in fact we had spent longer again that on previous occasions. I knew I had to pluck up the courage and said there is something I needed to ask him, if he might be able to help out. He paid for the coffees. I forgot to thank him in my fear of being open and asking for help from him. I said that I was signed off sick - I wasn't explicit but then was able to ask if he might be able to lend me some money next month if I need it. I explained that we do not get any sick pay and I am worried. He said yes instantly and asked me how much? As I don't know and I wanted him to know that I have some savings that might be enough. When I do know he wants me to call but not say anything to his wife. All I need to tell him is how much and he will send me a cheque. We walked to the car park. I asked him a little about Theresa. There was some mention about her knowing he has no time for her daughters. I wondered whether she takes that out on me as she never talks to me to which he said it is her that suggests he invites me to their house. He prefers to meet me without her because then he can speak more freely. It is my guess that there is friction and also he can talk without worrying about what lies he has told to whom. I was able to say how I do feel a very long way from him. I am not sure I made it clear that I meant emotionally. I am not sure that he would understand that anyway.

I won the Grand National Steeplechase. Well in cahoot with AB. We had talked about putting a bet on but I hadn't researched anything more than that. So then something jogged my memory that it was Grand National day. I looked on,line at the form and phoned AB. She had not done anything either about betting so we looked at the form. I had picked out Ballybrigg as a bot of an outsider and she had also fancied it. There were others that we both disagreed on so AB said let's put a £5 on each. So I set up an online account- eventually! Put out £10 on and a few quid more on a few others each way. One of those came in third (I later learnt that both Ballybrigg and Don't push it! were so exhausted after the race but recovered and returned to the stables OK - I wonder. Two horses were destroyed as a result of bad falls - I watched the race and wondered why the race was diverted around two jumps - i hate that so much and am part of it by betting and keeping the race going. I hope they continue to review it and make it less challenging - 4 miles and so many jumps including one of the hardest in Europe The Chair!). Anyway Ballybrigg took the lead in what I thought was far too early. At about the fourth jump out, he made a bit of a mistake and dropped back but soon picked up the lead again. I started to realise he was still going forward when others seemed to be going backwards. I started shouting "g'orn Ballybrigg". Windows open I did wonder what the neighbours might think but couldn't restrain my excitement and somewhat disbelief. He kept going and widening the gap - £170 returned! Yay I phoned AB and we were both shouting around " we won the Grand National, we won we won we won!" He he ehehehehehehe.

Then I got ready and drove off toe meet AV and BH. It was a nice evening. I realised it was going to be a long evening as we were meeting at 5 and could not eat in the restaurant until 7pm. It went OK, we kept the conversation going. I could see AV does love BH. I am not sure about BH. She is quite harsh. And what rang a little alarm bell at this stage was that she talked about marrying her estranged husband at a time when her mum died and she like him. As usual I may be thinking too much but I sensed a frustration and an irritation with AV. Anyway as she spilt up from her husband when getting friendly with AV and he was separating from his ex-wife at the same time, I was just a little concerned that it was an emotional need rather than an actual love. Well time will tell. They both seem nice people. There didn't seem much friendliness, a lot of jibing on BH's part. And actually I sort of joined in a bit wanting to show that I am not at all interested in AV. I am not. But my thinking was that she might think I am. She seemed quite aggressive in attitude at times. I hope it was all OK between them.
The food was great! Always is there. I had dresses crab salad followed by plum and Madeira (alcohol) crumble. I could taste the alcohol. Oh and custard yum yum.
I thought it was very filling and actually I didn't go wild in my effort to eat healthier! Pleased with that.

Home and a brief time online with emails and FB. I really want to cut down. It is a terrible displacement activity - as I read someone else had labelled it.

So to study this morning - the lovely AM has called and ET has sent a text to say she wants to meet. I have to study and later this afternoon I will go for a walk and play cards with AB. Interesting that I don't want to meet up with ET. Something feels less comfortable at the moment. I do not feel OK being how I am with her.

So to study - to study - to study.
Still wishing things with JH had turned out differently. Feel enslaved still sexually. But also realising that it is how it is and he will probably not be too different and I do not want to accept the way things were as OK for me. If I am going to be with someone I would like them to be able to love me wholly. I really hope JH makes changes that are suitable for how he is comfortable with himself. Or maybe he is already at that place of self completeness in which case we were definitely not OK together. The things I really liked I still like, the things I didn't like for me I wouldn't like with anyone in a partnership relationship. That;s how it is. I am grieving still but at moments getting this clarity amidst my own clouds. It's a relief when I do.
I was considering making contact but think I need some more time especially when I thought about how I would feel if he did not respond at all or said that he no longer wanted any sort of contact. Then I realised I am not quite ready to receive that. When that would be OK will be the time I would feel comfortable trying to make contact. Gosh, my hopes for us were so very deep.
I still picture him as I walk about and do things and see him in the space beside me. I would love to share my life within a loving relationship and share their life and love them . It was not meant to be clearly and now I would rather be OK and able to love myself better. I am working on it.

Bliss
XX

Loss and grieving

Just a passing thought as I continue to mourn the loss of the relationship I had with JH .....

I think of all the things I am doing and planning that I will now not be able to share with JH. Every little thing I do - cooing a ncie meal, walking in the sunshine, watching the colours of sunsets, enthusiasm for a new programme or film, a new book a art exhibition, amazing conversatons with friends - and so it goes on.

And I think of all the things and experiences that JH will now be having with someone else and not me. And all that was possible.

Ouch! Need to stop thinking.

I know it is how it is.

I am super sensitive. And I guess that was just not OK by him

Action not a transaction

"Mourning is an action not a transaction. It is our personal responsibility, so we do not do it with the perpetrators of our losses, including out parents. We interrupt our own healing as long as we still have to tell our parents how bad we think they were. It is, however, appropriate to ask our parents for information about what happened to us. If you do tell your parents about your grief work, be sure you are telling to share information, not trying to convince them they were wrong, hurt them, or get back at them."

Morning after

I cried a lot last night. Not just for Russell but for all the other addicts whose lives are snuffed out. It's not about the choice not to use drugs or alcohol but the lack of choice - the emotions that seem so difficult to deal with.
I felt very very bleak and black last night. Not so much this morning. This morning I am in disbelief about Russell. I remember feeling that with every single addict that has died since I've been working with addiction too. S just before Christmas. The same thing. I keep picturing them dead. It's possibly a way to make it more real. Because, of course, I won't be at Russell's funeral. I didn't know him that well really. I kne him and chatted to him if I was at a meeting or saw him in passing but I wasn't a friend of his nor he mine. So they only way to get to grips is to picture him dead. It might seem weird to others. I think it's a tactic, maybe it's just torture.
I did want to use last night though. I wanted to be dead too. That is such an easy corner to skulk off to.

I remember with my mum, when she first died, that it would suddenly hit me that she had died. It seemed like I would forget every few minutes and the pain when I remembered was just like a knife cutting through my heart. Phew emotional pain has got to be the worst for me.
I still miss Frank. He died, wow, in 1986 or 1987? Can't quite remember, oh no it was 1986 or 1987 that I finally found out and his mother told me he had died 2 years earlier. osh I still can't believe he is dead.
I find loss through death painful. I find loss of living people difficult too.

In this country it's all so tabboo to talk about it aswell. When women wail in areas like the Middle East or there is grieving like the older Europeans do with the curtains of the homes closed and wearing black and openly crying, I think it is so much healthier. We are all going to die. I prefer to talk about the peson that has died and express my feelings. I wouldn't have said this before though. So I must let go of the anger that I am arousing about this. The anger is certainly linked to something else, perhaps the futile death of someone so young having died. I am angry with Russell for dying. Bloody hell Russell!

I was about to start writing knowing that I have a little audience of one - hello if you are reading - and it would have been all intellectual nonsense. The trouble is I can let ego take over and write from my head instead of my heart. That's nothing to do with the reader/s. It's to do with my ego.
I posited the question to a few people about how they manage their ego. Only one person has responded saying let's talk. Ha! I will see her tomorrow so I will see if we can instigate a conversation about ego. It's taken a while for me to even get a little understanding about ego. I have looked up the word so many times.
I experienced it though this last week. It's quite sneaky.
Having recieved these messages via FRU from my first husbands third wife - already sounds damned complicated doesn't it? - I interpreted from what she was saying that M had really really been hurt by my leaving. What's worse and I had never been sure, he blames me for being so "moody" with the following wives/partners because I had affairs. I had never been sure that he knew I was having an affair. I was 21 he was 24/25. The marriage was such a messy nonsense. We were separated after 3 months. I am going into justification now. I am not at all proud of behaving in such a hurtful way. I have always known I hurt him. I would love to be able to remove that hurt. I have felt such shame through the years for my behaviours.
I am much much more aware these days. I can see how bloody fucked up my notion of love and sex etc is. With such low self esteem the only way I knew how to relate to men was sexually and yet if they wanted sex it meant that they were torturing me. Sex with strangers -easy! Sex with someone I want to love and cherish me - bastard! I have felt so horrid that I have felt like really hurting that person physically.Ugh I can feel that disgust and angst even now.
Well I would like the opportunity to say to M how deeply sorry I am for my behaviour. I want to tell him that it's a pity that the work I have done to date started so late and too late not to cause harm to him and others. BY this blog I put it into the Universe that I am truly truly sorry. And I hope that with my self awareness and continuing work on myself I will not intentionally cause such harm again.
Sorry.