Considered verdict

I was late in court to represent Lisa. I arrived just in the final throws whereby she received the verdict of guilty and to be thrown out or deported or something. AB was saying isn't there something you can do. To be honest Lisa was oblivious. I was so cross with myself, disappointed to the point of utter despondency and in writing this I'm realising that I do have an attitude of finality once an authority has made a decision or perhaps it's laziness or something else I'm not quite sure of. I just gave in to the verdict without a fight. Perhaps guided by my feeling of guilt and remorse for not being there at the right time. I do remember seeing the look of glee on the faces of the prosecuting team. And sad that they had gone hell for leather to get a girl who is so young and vulnerable. I of course was seeing Lisa aged 17 as she was when we were all in the Priory. Gosh she was so ill as well as so young. Completely vulnerable.
Anyway the next thing AB was talking with the judge across the pews of the court. And then the judge called over to me asking if this is true? I was given the chance to explain Lisa's circumstances, her bi-polar and so on. Suddenly the ruling was over turned and Lisa was declared innocent. I think the prosecuting team (is that an American term) had left. I was given a cardboard front of shirt thingamajig. I don't know if they have a name. You know similar to the cardboard fronts of a dress shirt men wear for formal functions. What is it called? Aha thank goodness for Wikipedia - a dickie - a sort of cardboard shirt bib. It was also known as a shirt bosom. All these things are going out of fashion for men as formal dress is worn less and less. Anyway I was given a large one of these in a sort of coral pink colour. I was also given a black skirt. Apparently the practise is more ceremonial when winning the case (according the knowledge I suddenly had in my dream - it's funny how there is a sort of internal running commentary in my dreams to explain the odd things that happen and make sense of the banal). Anyway this was all sort of handed over in a bundle, which I received with hands full of papers and carrying a briefcase, so it was all a bit of a muddle. And around me people were celebrating my win but I was thinking it wasn't me, it was AB persevering with her idea to challenge even though it was already decided and over. I have felt this recently with ideas she's had. I'm not necessarily the ideas person but can pick up on them and make them work when it's for someone else but for myself I am full of fear. And I feel inferior because I'm not the ideas person. I am a follower and sheeple as someone on FB would say.
I feel inadequate not being a creator and merely a follower.
So everyone was celebrating but Lisa remained oblivious.

I can recall in a following dream trying not to forget the court room dream but in the process I've forgotten the following dream.

I've been feeling a bit fuzzy-brained since I think Saturday evening. I was sitting in the meeting listening to V doing her chair. G was there which threw me slightly. I was aware of thinking he'd be criticising me in some way for my lace gloves and what I shared. And I imagine his criticism of me being secretary as well was rife. Anyway all of that took over perhaps. I felt sad that we had had a something and now it's quite bitter from him. I was cheerful to see him and friendly. He was dour and the way he is with people he doesn't trust and like. Well it's his issue really. That's how he is. Then on Sunday evening I received some texts from him. Mainly moaning about someone sharing and then glad to have the opportunity to have a go on the following evening when doing a chair at another meeting.
I found it funny that V shared about being in a relationship and there was abusive discourse from the ex. I found G's behaviour abusive and I expect he found my behaviour abusive. I didn't ever set out to be abusive of offensive but I'm pretty sure at times I could be because we tap into each others hurt and issues. I want to be beyond that somehow and with someone who is beyond that. I wonder if it's possible.
I feel sad today that my mum is not alive. A person on FB was saying how they are going to Australia with their mum. The person is the same age as me. And she believes that due to her mums ailments wouldn't make this journey again. I am sad that I haven't got my ageing mum with me. It was sad last evening with the Kaleidoscope magazine with AB and GB remembering how my mum would select clothes for me that were not always what I'd select for myself. She knew what might look good on me. She'd buy tings for me too. I have none of that now. I took it for granted then. And I'd manipulate too. All went when she died. So many things I only appreciate when they no longer exist. My dad. And the sorrow I feel for not being able to let him into my life in any shape or form. Holding onto deep resentment and now he's gone.
LouLou is sneezing. she is getting older and I have so taken her for granted too. She no longer likes to sleep with me and doesn't cuddle up with me on the settee anymore.
I have such a good friendship with AB. I don't know if I show it. I am there practically everyday. But do I show my appreciation in any way. I will tell her today how much I value her friendship and I will tell GB how much I admire her and value how she includes me. That brings on a real feeling of sadness. I do feel lonely at times.
I can't be bothered to get going today. I have had this feeling of nothingless and I have been fighting it. Trying to work out how I feel. Wondering why I don't know. Wondering if it's hormones related. Trying to work it out and then with the answer I'll have control of it. Instead I simply need to accept it and give in to it and let it be. I trust it will pass as it has before but even if it doesn't, it will all be okay. I worry I suppose that I operate so much on an emotions level with people that without it I won't be able to do my job well.
It's a funny feeling. Just can't put my finger on something that seems to be there underlying everything. It will become clear if it's meant to.
Regret I think is there. Regrets about the past and the way I've been and still can be. Regrets that I have no children. That came to the fore earlier this morning when I was reading the 24 Hours a Day book. It focused on the impact of alcoholism on the children. The impact has been that I've terminated them as soon as they've got to conception. How dreadful. How sad that I will never know those little soles as human beings. I am so so sorry to those little souls. Ad yes sorry that there was a them not even just a one. I've had a whole big family but not much beyond conception. One was months rather than just weeks. It was that I was too scared on that occasion to go with the draw to have the baby. Scared to tell my parents I was pregnant yet they would have been horrified about a termination. God help me with these thoughts.
I've rarely spoken about these things. This morning when I was reading about the impact of alcoholism I hadn't even thought of the decision I had made as an impact on the souls. All I ever think about is the impact on me - poor, poor me!

I suppose I need to get up. I don't want to. It's my last study day or rather free day off this year. I don;t want to work 5 days a week. I want to work 4 days per week. I wonder if I'd be able to manage on the pay.
God I would like to guidance please about how to go forward and if I should go forward with my own little business. I have some ideas of my own that PD will not allow me to do at Addiction Care. I would like to talk to him about some evening work at a shared cost. These are referrals directly to me. He asked me if I'd see them privately or through AC. I need to sit down and discuss things with him. Thursday is busy with 1:1's for me.
But I have some ideas I'd like to follow through. Some private 1:1's in the evenings a women's closed group, a writing group with a view to putting a book together of experiences and to publish it.
I would like to start some training courses for counsellors too. But I need premises. God is this the way forward? If so how do I do it?
I have visions of the little therapeutic writing group on a Sunday morning in a quaint tea shop private room. Something cosy and friendly. Not in the "work" environment.

I need to get up. I will call AB and see if she'd like a walk this morning. Then I can come home for the rest of the day and speak with TH later on and a meeting with CT this evening. An AA adventure as we have called them.

I need a wee too. I can feel a little lighter I think. Oh I wonder if this is not my nothinglessness and a clients stuckness I am experiencing. And I think the stuckness maybe A's when I would have more likely thought M's. Hmmm now that's interesting. It could be stuckness not nothinglessness.
God please show me the way. Thank you.
Oh I wonder if it's if I feel a bit attracted to A and it's my stuckness then with that. I need to bring that out in supervision I think. Ew yuch - exposure.

Bliss
XX
 

Frazzling nerves and endings

4 am. Bloody hell! A tummy ache, dizziness and nerve frazzles. That's the only way I know ow to describe them. I have been wondering if it's another hormonal "phase". I've had backache for 2 weeks now. All the de-stressing hasn't made it go away. Pilates seems to help a little but it's still there niggling away. And I was really, really sweaty with damp patches showing on my dress yesterday. Now albeit the day was extremely humid and probably even the newer, thinner, fitter, full of healthy foods me wouldn't avoid a glow. But somehow I have a real sense that there is another hormonal manoeuvre going on.
I didn't even want to go for a wee as is the usual these days. Gosh! How I used to vaguely listen to the elders talking about these sort of things. I know it was real for them but I never imagined it was real for women in general. But here it is a part of my reality now. Fuzzy eyesight and fuzzying even more, especially in these hormonal manoeuvres, not able to sleep through until I'm supposed to wake up, aches and pains that don't go away, headaches, and a sort of irritability.
And I had a dream about G. I think about him a lot. Friends might worry that this is me thinking of getting together with him again. That I am most certainly not thinking. I have no desire nor intention. But I can't seem to get him right away from me. After the last contact I created; I sent an email from Peda. It was a link to Mumford & Sons Sigh No More, together with the lyrics.
"Sigh No More"

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Love; it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

And there is a design, an alignment to cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

 

 

Having sent it I then did check a few times to see if he'd responded and when he didn't I left it. part of me really didn't want to send it. I knew as I did that it was not a good thing to have done. However, a week later maybe I received a text from hims asking it had been me that sent it. I left responding for a few days and then owned it. I said yes it was me and had been silly of me to send it from a friends email. I said I thought if he hadn't heard Mumford & Sons he might like them. Then I finished it saying I hope you're well.

Last Sunday I received a text in the morning asking what I was up to that day. I left it all day and responded saying I had been studying all day and was going to sleep now. I didn't and don't want to meet up with him.

I realised that the friendship I want to maintain is actually a desire for there to be no hard feelings. And that is out of my control and any attempts to try and make that the case are potential to cause more bad feeling. So it's better that time passes and then maybe someday we can be friendly. I think G is a remarkable man. Incredibly intelligent and bright. A memory for information that is so interesting. He has a passion in him that shows through in certain ways. He is caring and considerate in his way. I will always honour that in my heart but together it just didn't work.

I wonder why I can't clear G from my thoughts and dreams though. It's not a longing or anything simply he's there.

I wrote this morning that this is probably a part of the grieving process. Despite not wanting the relationship and being relieved that it's over there is still a part of him that will forever be in my heart and I miss the nice things and good times. I think too there is a similarity with my father. I am relieved that the relationship has ended. I couldn't make that ending whilst he was alive. I was hanging on and hanging on just in case something worked out. It never did. Right up to the end he was cutting and critical of me. That hurts less as I write it now but has been a point of real pain before now. I do miss the opportunity to have contact with him and put right some of the things of the past I know I did badly; the irresponsibility, the debts, the self-centred desire for hedonism. There were times when it was okay between my dad and I and it was those times that I clung onto in the hope that we could have the father/daughter relationship I wanted to have with him. I don;t think either of were capable. I feel sad about that. I grieve the relationship we didn't have as some say. For whatever reason it was not compatible between my father and I. I feel a concern that I am the common denominator in the many many failed relationship with men. My concern that it is not possible for the future either. But I also think that the people I've been attracted to have been incompatible and that draw has been looking for the wrong things plus not being able to like myself and look for things that I deserve

Meeting with SH and her husband today, I felt so sad for her. She sat there being criticised by her husband. He spent the entire time running her down to me as if he was the hard done by one. I thoguht SH looked so hurt and her voice was so quiet. And I know that she is used to that really. Her father was never complimentary, instead putting her down even comparing her unfavourably with the others showing his favouritism for TH and the youngest who died from a heroin overdose. How tragically sad. These put downs from childhood that influence how we feel about ourselves and in turn meaning that we continue to accept that as the norm and right yet knowing it's not true too. So confusing. Well I may be projecting myself onto SH but she did go quiet and he was relentless in a sort of jokey way, but horribly sneering and self-righteous manner.

His little boy listening is being given such a bad example and he was even implicated in it. How manipulative of L. He referred to the presents the little boy had bought SH that she had disregarded in some way or lost. How fucking mean of L.

Anyhow. I relate. And the influences from my childhood I feel sure have influenced what I have thought I wanted and needed. I do not want nor need that anymore and in beginning to like myself more I am less willing to accept what for me are crumbs. I'm not saying they are crumbs merely that for me they are.

I want to be cherished and respected. I want someone who is self respecting too and feels comfortable. Someone who is thoughtful and kind. Someone who is generous of heart, loyal and decent. Someone with humour not sarcasm nor mocking. Someone who has opinions and thought but not opinionated or closed-minded. I'd like to meet someone who is gentle and who is available emotionally, mentally and physically. Someone who puts importance of dignity both giving and being. A person who has interests that can be shared and is willing to share interests. Who is friendly and sociable, open and interested in people. Who has dealt with issues of anger and who is willing to continue working on themselves and togetherness. Someone who respects my space and has respect for their own space. Someone who is measured and balanced - at least working on it. Spirituality would be a big part to share between us - thinks such as meditation and exploration and adventure. Honest and open. Someone who turns away from temptation of women. I'd like him to be good looking and charming too but not flirtatious or beguiling except with me. Fun and creative, spirited and homely too but with a sense of the bigger world and a curiosity about cultures and everything else that is out there to discover. Musical, arty, a little fey. Willing to develop intimacy and enjoy sexual intimacy. About 6 foot something with a smile that warms my heart and smiles in his eyes. A twinkle in them just for me and one that I can reflect back just for him. Someone non-judgemental and accepting. Slim and health conscious but not obsessed. A sense of the other and willing to be playful with these things and generally playful but not childish. Responsible, accountable, flexible, dependable. Money would be nice to have.

HP please can you bring us together? If you think this is the right path for me I believe you will have already got us on the path to meet.

 

Bliss

xx

 

 

 

 

Universal truths

At a very young age, well that's how it seems to me now, my dad told me that women are only good for one thing and on a separate occasion told me that men only want one thing. I made it my business to meet the demand even though I was horrified to think that women were only good for one thing. I wanted to be good for more than one thing, I really wanted to be accepted as me. The problem was that having set a career on meeting men's demands meant that unconsciously and subtly I was eroding away at the me bits. Despite screaming inside it was masked by confusion of not really ever feeling good enough and the louder voice that actually being me was  not what was actually wanted.
So today I am less and less surprised that men seem to think it is okay to send my pictures of their body parts. I have a large collection on peni, assuming the latin law for the plural of such words. I jokingly suggest that I will make a collage of these photos and post in FB for the men to see if they can identify themselves. It's mildly amusing but deep down the reality of this is hitting home.
The deep remorse I am feeling for my behaviours over the years is centred around the many failed relationships. Oddly the sense of remorse isn't because of the actual ending of the relationships anymore. That was always the sense of shame I seemed to carry. Another family motto, I think posited by my mum was "you make your bed, you lie in it". And also there was this till death us do part sort of commitment which I think was more of a silent rule. It's similar to the work ethic of being a reliable and loyal employee until death and only being of sick if one has riga mortis. Again said jokingly but I took it, whether it was meant or not, with an element of truth. And of course these things become the universal truth. When in reality there is a partial truth in everything, it is not THE truth. Something actually G would mention too and was raised by V this morning in our committed call. I had forgotten that the committed call was for shared time not just to support him and in my egotistical manner being the one person who can help him into recovery. I feel a degree of that with T too and forget that it's actually friendship with these people that's the important thing for me. I just want them to be happy whatever they are doing and want to be able to support them however they are doing.
A slight deviation there. Apologies. So this weekend, once again I have been sitting with a lot of remorse within my grief and also my loneliness. I can see how over these years there has been a gradual peeling off of layers with each choice that I have made involving men.
As a younger person, ad I'd like to think it was my teens but I can remember being interested in a young boy called David at age 7 yrs. He came for tea and my mum liked him because he took his cap off. I was pleased that eh pleased my mum, it was some acceptance of me somehow. And that links in with several choices of males throughout my life that my parents simply didn't like. And on reflection, I see of course how inappropriate they were. But in my dogged attitude and need at the time I determinedly wanted them and had them. In turn this brought other situations about, involving money and loss of it later on, heart ache, troubles. In all shapes and sizes there was some related chaos around my choices. I see how disappointing I was to my parents and sadly I didn't have enough recovery to change this before my dad died. Even with another relationship entered into whole heartedly too fast. But I was so grateful for his support during that very troubling time. Thank you G. God if there's anyway of letting him know how grateful I am despite being uncomfortable even then with some of his approaches and attitudes. The writing was clearly on the wall for me but it was more than I could deal with at that time and as usual I wanted the male company.
That has driven so much, that desperation to be approved of by men coupled with the belief that I needed to be good at being sexy. The irony is that I do not feel as if I am sexy or attractive woman. people say I am but to be honest I think they just say that to make me feel better. Who is going to say, after all, yes you're ugly. At least I'm not fat and ugly. The thing is, I also know that if I'm living by my principles, I feel better about myself. Feeling better about myself, I like myself and when I like myself I feel attractive. The unattractiveness really started with G as I was crossed my principle but as usual was compelled by his attention. I am so easily flattered. even though I was already questioning why I would find this man attractive. I could see his anger and negativity written all over his face. Literally. And his gossip was there from the beginning. I overlooked all of that for the approval of a man which I was getting. And then to have sex and for him to say it was the best ever, just fed my ego. I really did get yet another level of intimacy with G. I learnt so much with JH. That was the first time within the willingness to do as I was told as his slave, that I could allow myself to enjoy the sex. I wanted to please him and then was rewarded by being allowed to feel good myself. I see really well hos that worked. The thing is I don't want any of that outside of a committed relationship. And by committed I realise I don't mean an assurance of this is for lie but a commitment to work at it together. To create some security that at the first problem there will not be a tendency to run off or escape facing the issues by ignoring them or using something or someone else. The commitment is in facing the situations honestly and openly together. No deceit as best as can be. I know I am terrified and of what I don't always know so the honesty isn't necessarily immediate. And yet I demand absolute honesty and openness. I am seeing how unreasonable I've been and how unfair.But if there's a trust between us developing then he could start to trust that I will get honest as I can and I can trust that he will too. But so long as we're both able to talk about things at that level, be accountable and take responsibility. These are all layers peeling back for me to see and understand.
It's growth.
I feel that the remorse can lift as I start to live by changing ways. I don't have to keep doing the same thing and actually at my fathers deathbed I was doing the same thing and feeling consciously uncomfortable with it yet compelled to continue. I need someone there on my side actually and G was. I don't think any friend would have been able to be available at the same degree.
Thank you God for providing what I need at the right time always.
This is an area that is so complex.
I was just talking with E and she articulated an experience I attempted to explain to G. He wanted sex. I just didn't feel at all connected with him. There had been grumpy times between us, probably for some weeks. And suddenly he was all friendly and flirty. It felt nice. I joined in. The I realised that actually he wanted sex. I felt duped and dirty. I said no but was scared to and sure enough it resulted in him reverting to grumpy and even grumpier - an argument and criticism etc. No doubt for him there was rejection involved. I had thought that my needing more than just the desire of me sexually was connected with my years of acting out sexually. I mean with a virtual ( as in barely knowing them rather than the knewest meaning of virtual and meaning not in person) stranger I can be sex orientated for a extended period of time. It's all that matters initially in a way. But I have this less obvious agenda of wanting to be loved and cherished and by giving of myself that's what I expect in return. Of course, that's not in the mind of the man. At least I don't think so. So hen G wanted sex he wasn't used to the rejection. Coupled with his own insecurities around sex I am guessing this was a more than unpleasant situation.
I tried to explain that I need to feel connected and intimate to be able to have sex. But that would be counter to initial experiences when soon after getting together we were in bed together. I am disappointed that with LW I entered into the whole sexual thing but have pulled back. A line has been crossed but with him there is no chance of anything developing because he lives there and I live here. It's all virtual. So I have been able to say no and he still pushes and teases. I flirt a little back but keep away from anything full blown. It's tantalising and at times I flit in the the fantasy that somehow we could get together. I get jealous when he talks about my attractive friends. An indication to me that I am investing a little more than I'd like to make out I am.
I can talk about this I guess. But in the main I am practising getting back to my principles all the time. I want to live by the standards that feel righteous and then I feel better about myself. I like myself and when I like myself I feel like an attractive person and I'm likable by all whether they like me or not.

So that early message was absorbed and I set about living by it. It was my dads truth. I've learnt from PW that he was the randiest man he had ever known. I witnessed him with women too. I do wonder how my mum put up with it. I wonder why she left him soon after they were married. I have always wondered, even as a little person, why they got married so quickly. It was 6 months and then they were married. I believe my mum was on the rebound from her cricketing, wealthy boyfriend from Ottershaw. What was his name again? As a little girl I often used to wish he was my dad even though I realised I wouldn't have been me if he had been. Even then I didn't want to be. I'd give up me if life could be better. How sad.
Anyhow, I see all of this as the way forward. After a few weekends of a lot of remorse, I'm suddenly seeing a way forward. Thank you God (of my understanding). I feel lighter as a result.
I feel dreadful that with ML I have always said that so long as I have a roof over my head then she has too. But because G didn't like her suddenly that was not the truth anymore. Now he's gone it is the truth. But how on earth can she trust that. I understand. I am sorry but it seems pointless saying sorry. I don't trust myself right now that I am strong enough to make that promise and really keep it. So all I can do is  work at changing and being more reliable. I wasn't so available to AB either. I don't want to return to spending so much time, needing her. So I will develop my life but be more measured and spend time with her but not needing her. She is more understanding that when a person is in a relationship they inevitably spend less time with friends. It is a compromise. It's not a slight. I understand. With AM she has a boyfriend and a baby and is less and less available. So I have called her and made an arrangement to meet up. I do miss her of course. And sometimes I eel a little resentful and then remember. All my friends that have had babies are like that. And when they get into a relationship too. The problem is I'm afraid of being alone and need to nurture myself better.
It was so good that I kept to my committed date with myself yesterday. A beautiful sunset walk, this time around a little areas of Chidham rather than Thorney Island. Just nest door. Somehow being there by the sea is very soothing. I keep thinking I would like to be places where I can find wild flowers. There are loads there but instead of seeking out names I'm just looking at them. I should remember the shapes and the leaves as G started teaching me and looking them up. Perhaps I will. But I don't think my nook is extensive enough. I will hopefully find a very good pocket version that i an carry around in the car. I'm tired of taking photos of them.
I took some photos that need editing but right now I am clearer to study so I'm going to.

Thank you God for this process. When I've been feeling lazy I really have only been lazy with my studying and getting to bed early. But I haven't been a lazy person. Processing emotions is not lazy. It's time consuming and exhausting. It's not the easy option. It would have been lazy of me to not have followed through with my commitment to friends on Saturday evening or my date with myself last evening. It would be lazy if I don't follow through with my commitment to read this morning then after lunch to go shopping and a walk with AB early evening when cooler.

I will call her now to arrange these things so at least I know the plan for the day. And then get on with a 30 minute study session before a short break and then another session.

Bliss
XX


 

A song for Dad

If I were to sing a song to my dad what would it be?
It needs to be one of forgiveness, forgiveness of myself right now. I watched a film call Song for Marion. My gosh it was full of similarities. A father and son who did not get along as their mother and wife was dying of Cancer. She was upbeat and loved both her husband and son. She loved her husband even though he was a grump. She loved her son, saying "he's a good boy". That hurt as I can only think that over the years I brought my parent a lot of trouble.
I was burning the candle at both ends, I was financially irresponsible, I was hedonistic and selfish with it, I chose men that were really inappropriate and unavailable in many ways. I worked addictively and then burnt out. I drank addictively and ended up using drugs. I just wanted to be loved.
I don;t know if I could have a drink again without it getting out of hand. I do tend to think it was circumstantial. I think I fell into using drugs and quite frankly I know I couldn't use them recretionally and intermittently. I wanted them and more very quickly. I should go along to an NA meeting. I probably need an AA meeting as I was really thinking I might have a drink. If it weren't for my job and my food recovery I would drink I think. FA says no alcohol. It's sugar and mind altering.
I have so many regrets about my behaviour and please God I need to find forgiveness as right now it feels painful seeing my part in the animosity in the relationship with my dad.
For goodness sake, resorting to escorting. My parents must have been despairing, thankfully they didn't know. As far as I'm aware.
Well I just had a call from an FA friend C. It was interesting talking with her as she is questioning the whole alcohol abstinence.Not believeing she is an alcoholic she wants to be able to have a drink but more importantly it's to do with what others will think. I'm long past that I said, havinf just had the same thoughts I suppose with LW. When he said we can share time over a good glass of wine. My, that's a very tempting thought. And being in Paris with ML would be a lovely time to be in a cafe having a glass of good French wine. The thing is when I used to visit places I used to spend most of my time frequenting drinking venues and staying there. There are some cities, like Zurich that I found a bar and a few of us stayed there all day. Then spent the vening drinking as well. Too lazy to tour around. Sometimes it was because I felt too large to tour around and so easier to just jabba the hut it in a bar drinking. So yes it was a usefyul call for me. Then a call from L who has decided to have a breka from meetings completely. She was struggling to make it a bridge to normal living. Somehow the commitment was not suiting her. Maybe she won't need that constant feeling of fellowship and the reminder. Some people don't. They stop drinking and live happily ever after. I like the fellowship, the understanding of difficulites with day to day living and thinking. I am no longer so despairing but an evening like yesterday can still flaw me. It's good to have people to help step out of the potential quagmire and downward spiral.
This morning I still have a feeling of remorse hanging over me and some of it involves G.
I am thinking of sending this email .... I suspect he would delete it without een reading it. But at least I would have said what I truly think.

Hello G

I am a friend of yours whether you want that friendship or not. Whatever happens I will always think so very highly of you. I have thought that since meeting you and think it today still.

I am very sad that the relationship between us didn't work out and I regret even more that you feel so badly about me as a person.

I do make a lot of mistakes, fumbling through life situations. I don't find it easy. Amidst all of that, it is NEVER my intention to do any kind of harm to YOU or anyone.

You are a good person G and I am truly, truly grateful for the great times I have shared with you. I will hold those in my heart always.

I knew that I needed some time without contact and maybe could have expressed that more clearly. I didn't mean to piss you off so. I hoped you might be understanding of that and although you don't trust me, trust that it is not because of you.

I wish you only good and really mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

 

Bliss

 

 

What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I? I guess if unsure I will wait and re-read and see if it's still the right think to do. The intent behind it is valid. I would like him to know that I have no evil thoughts of him. I didn't like things that happened between us. The mix just wasn't right as a couple. Perhaps there isn't anyone that will be the right chemistry with me as I am. But it doesn's stop me liking these people.

On Friday I went out with a flurry of petticoats, red cha cha heels and hat boxes. As a result I left my keys in the door and the door unlocked. I sudenly remembered this when I was too into my journey to work to turn back. The I was agonisig about whether it was valid enough reason to phone the vicar of the local church. I might know people to say hello to but I don;t have people's numbers. My downstairs neighbour has given me his number  now. I think I may have lost that too now! I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I keep losing words again and get fearful that this is the onset of dementia or something serious. Especially with these dizzy spells and heart flutters. On the otherhand it could be menopause connected and just less noticeable as some of the more noticeable side effects when larger are not present now. Anhyway in my clumsy way I phoned him having talked with an FA person (as nuts I think as me, S) who agreed that it would be an okay thing to do to ease my fears. Break ins etc. I called, told him I was a bit bonkers and he did walk around to my flat, finding the keys in the door. He didn't want to disturb T (downstairs neighbour) so early but delivered the keys to him later in the day. How very kind. Now I will make a donation to the church - what should I donate?
Which reminds me. I need to count up the AA pot and pay the two lots of rent outstanding by cheque and bank the £198 into my account. I'm so lapse about this. I'd like to ahnd that commitment over actually. I'd much rather do something I'm better at. Oh well.

Being a "modelle" has so far been fun. I'm a model for an art class. They have thanked me for sitting so still. It's hardly the pose in the Girl with the pearl earring painted by Vemeers. And I'm far from a girl. Their paintings are not at all like me. Even the artists very fast impression is nothing like me I find. This were the creations I managed to photograph on Day 1 and then Day 2. 2 more days to go. Some people are only doing 2 days some people are doing the one piece over the days they are there. Some people are doing lots each time. It's interesting the references he makes to other painters and discussions about techniques. I think I should like to have lessons. I guess this is what the masters did and how they found proteges perhaps.

 Day one

 Day one

 Day two

 Day Two

 Day two

 Day two (one of many)

 Day two

 Day two

 Day two later on

 Day two

 Day two (tutors fast start)

 

 

 

A very emotive film for me. A Song for Marion

 

Cast includes Terence Stamp, Vanessa Redgrave, Christopher Ecclestone, Gemma Arterton in

Paul Andrew Williams.

Humour but truly a pluck on grief within me. I think the acting was as ever outstanding by these very professional actors. It's a snippet in time before death and only a brief glimpse of the interactions around that.

I am not sure if it is sheer brillance because it's so real or if being so close to some of my reality makes it seem master work.

I have been thrown into my grief as a result of watching it, hence the opening theme of this entry today. Remorse, loss, sadness, internal turmoil, reconciliation.

 

It was a lovely light relief and a nice surprise when LW phoned me just as I was getting ready to go out for something to eat.

I would really like it if I had freinds with males as well. A mix of social people in a group. There was a largegroup of men at the pub last night. A team of some sort I would suggest. A wedding was taking place and the bride was so young looking and pretty. The guys were all so young as well. I was cynical in my thoughts and wish for them all that none of them follow a journey like mine has been. However, I can turn to the gloom of it all and forget to see the wonder of the journey too.

And today I've had a call with L, C and now my friend S too. It's lovely to have this friendship and connection.

Thank you Universe - beaming smiles

 

Bliss

x



 

Down at mouth city scapes and people

Writing as a tool.
This past week I've woken up most mornings feeling pretty flat an that's been mainly fuelled by sadness. I miss the contact with G and when I think of him, I think of his sad demeanour and that at times we had really fun and happy times. There was a problem though in that being the norm. That was the exception. I have to keep reminding myself as otherwise I have those "gaps" when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'm just sitting with me ad guess what? I don't  sit in that spot too easily very often. I haven't taken quiet time for an age now. I find all sorts of reasons as to why not.
And then L. Well having sent him the message as follows:

"Good morning L.

For some unaccountable reason this week feels as if it's going by so slowly. It's only Thursday. I only work 4 days a week at the moment and it still feels too many.

Oh good news and quite a shock, I got a first in both of my last 2 assignments. I certainly didn't expect that! That probably means very little but to me it's amazing. I do everything at the last minute and I give very little time to my studying really. I could be quite clever I reckon if I applied myself. That's what my teachers used to say in so many words. I was never really disciplined at school or at home with this sort of thing. And yet expectations were high. Strange combination really.

I wanted to say something quite serious now ..... are you sitting.

Ha ha - for me it feels intense and then I think what the hell am I talking about how can this be so intense???

Fumble fumble for words to say things that are then actually very revealing about me the person.

As you will probably know by now I am interested in sex. I like to play, I like to enjoy sex. HOWEVER (there's always a but huh?). It's not enough for me to just be sexual.

Now here's the weird bit okay. I am very very aware that you're there and I'm here but to me this sex play is just a prelude to getting to know you. Despite the distance and plastic between me and you there's just a little wonder in me as to whether you are someone I would like to know and have time with. It's impossible so goodness knows how or why I should even entertain the idea.

And so then why on earth would I be entering into all this sexual play. When actually I don't want to do that with anyone other than a person I am in a relationship with.

I enjoy what we've been doing. It's a lot of fun. I like your adventurous spirit and I like being pushed as actually I am very shy especially with sex and yet not really - what a combination!!

It's not enough though really. Without all the other levels of intimacy even with adventuring it becomes simply sex.

This I guess is where men and women are so so different. I can play and adventure but I also like discussion and experiencing other things and so on.

It's impossible for you and I to do that together.

I was going to write that if you were here or I there or just together and going out and talking and stuff from time to time and then getting home and then making love with gusto and adventure - that's great!!

But as days have gone on I just wonder what I'm doing. Coz the other problem is that I am loyal to you despite the distance, the plastic and the not really knowing you at all.

So then I am investing myself in distance, plastic and cyber sex which is only partially fulfilling a sexual desire.

Intensity over.......

No doubt I'll get horny again. But oddly if I don't entertain that it doesn't become a longing and passes quickly.

Anyway I'm going off to work now. Boo hoo. I love it when I'm there it just seems too much this week. Why does that happen?

Well of the real content of this email.

I'd be interested in your thoughts. I enjoy the liaisons with you but ....

I would like to continue being "penfriends/telephone friends" but I'm not quite sure on what basis - I know I don't want it to be on a sexual basis.

Better than running off to consider what the fuck I am doing here. I thought I'd just be honest with my thoughts. "

 

So he replied saying he understood and he would telephone me over the weekend. Well he hasn't so far. He has respected my sexlessness though but also barely been in contact, unless I've initiated a chitty chatty nonsense text. I have stopped as of last night. I was demeaning myself and thinking it just confuses the issue. He is not someone I know to be chit chatting about my day to day experiences. An that's all I want really. Someone to just share the days and experiences with. Otherwise I have these experiences and ..... and what? They are experiences for myself not because of others. Sometimes I do wonder if I have them to show off. And sometimes as I'm say walking around a gallery learning and viewing I start questioning why bother with all this life experience when I'm going to die and the "knowledge" dies with me. What's the point?

For example I'm doing all this studying and may achieve my degree eventually. So what? I die soon. What benefit will it all have had?

I've had a few more heart flutters. The worst was on when? Thursday I think. P was in group and one started. Whereas usually it is a brief moment. This one went on beyond the brief and I didn't worry as I thought it was a slightly extended brief moment. But it continued. I was starting to consider getting some help. My first port of call was to go and get P. I didn't though as he was in group and I wouldn't want to disturb that process. Anyway it passed. I've noticed a few sensations since but actually not as strong and fleeting. I've mentioned it to AB and she wants me to phone A&E if it reoccurs but I don;t think it's serious enough for that. I'm moderately perturbed at this stage.

AB is drinking a lot. And bloody hell I'm feeling so irritated by her. I feel her trying to control all the time. She is over thinking everything and worrying about everything. And as a result she is infuriating. She is over intellectualising as well. She is rude. I keep entering into the affray with her and then realise I'm getting fraught and short with her and so step back out again. She is SO controlling. The thing is I can then see myself controlling to match and survive. It is so annoying that she will not do anything about her drinking. And actually it's annoying as GB won't do anything about hers either. She and AB then enable each other. GB drinks just as much but isn't the same in her manner with it. The family is riddled with codependency. I couldn't live there and understand why RB gets away so much. It's into the arms of D thought and there is something about him that is not trustworthy. I can't put my finger on it. He wants to rescue the world but has this sort of arrogance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he wasn't still drinking in secret.

Anyway with AB I know my feeling swill pass when she reduces her drinking again - goodness knows what's triggering this bout of nastiness. Menopause I wouldn't wonder and fear of the future.

Yesterday going to London was lovely. I qualified at the FA meeting and it was a real uplifting thing to do. 90 days again yesterday. Hoping that I do not have to go back to day 1. The return to day 1 can be over silly little things. I talks about the relapse because of fear. Fear of saying what I needed and ending up eating food that wasn't enough and so ate bread as it was on the plate. It was like eating razor blades with every mouthful, knowing it was relapse. And then of course thinking well I've done that I might as well ... I didn't thankfully. I managed to sit but wasn't really that attentive. And then I did eat my evening meal as usual. Thank goodness I had prepared it all.

K looks great and S is blooming with her pregnancy despite being so unwell with Lymes. What a worry for the unborn baby too. Yet she looks serene and getting on with whatever is ahead of her with projecting too much. I wonder though if she is just covering up and yet knowing that with all my emotions and situations I really am okay overall. And I know it's all just feelings and even with projections about the possibility of the business not working and me being out of a job I am not agonising. Not like last year when I was desperate to get away from the situation with LK but didn't know what I'd do for work. I thought I'd do anything until I actually started looking and felt the life drain from me when considering office work. What would I do other than this? I love being able to work with people.

I I could see 11 people per week at £50 per session equals £550 would be about £28k per year. Hmm less tax. Not so much really but more than a lot of people. The problem is getting 11 people consistently. People are not consistent and then where do the referrals come from which is the exact same problem we have now.

And where the hell do I get a room cheaply enough. You see the costs haven't even been deducted from that. I can see myself doing that eventually though if this doesn't work out.

Oh I start my modelling career this week.

Lowry at Tate Britain.

 

Interesting. I really liked one of his paintings on the beach. It was a rare different setting from industrialised cities. It was different colour scheme as well. Most of his paintings were white skies and white ground. Lots of browns, greys and olive greens. And uplifted by red clothing on the matchstick men and dogs.

"I saw the industrial scene and I was affected by it. I tried to paint it all the time. I tried to paint the industrial scene as best I could. It wasn’t easy."

GB asked if I had a bundle of money whether I would buy a Lowry for the aesthetics. I'd buy one for the collection.But for aesthetics. Probably not, maybe the beach. They are depictive of the industrial city of Manchester. I hadn't realised that the scenes were not real but a cobbled collection of places. Like collages really. And apparently the people were really images of himself in a general way. Everyone looks busy, heads down and leaning forward. Unhappiness. That's what I generally got from them. It was an interesting viewing from the point of seeing his skill in perspective and being quite unique.

Influenced by the French impressionists with his colours apparently and taught by Valette and others. I see and influence of Pissaro, whom I like very much actually. His use of night lights especially.

 

And most were painted as if out of a window from a top floor. How could he have got those views. Did he just take away the memory and a sketch. Now AB says he was quite a strange man and had painted some sexual life's with a theme of bondage in some. It's a pit the curator hadn't given the fuller story of him. Curators probably play safe huh? How snobby the art world is but how limiting. I'd like to have a fuller picture of the artists. It's then coming to life more.

 

 

Published in The Guardian

 

Lowry's dark imagination comes to light

• Vanessa Thorpe, arts and media correspondent
• The Observer, Sunday 25 March 2007

Behind the familiar images of factory workers and northern industrial city scapes that have made LS Lowry one of Britain's most easily recognised and frequently reproduced painters, there is a much darker, sadder group of work rarely seen by the public. These bleak sketches and paintings include a series of disturbing and sexually deviant drawings that remained hidden until after the artist's death in 1976.Today the novelist and Lowry enthusiast Howard Jacobson is to give the annual lecture in honour of the painter at the Lowry Centre. He will argue that ignoring the bleak side of the artist's imagination has led to him being under-rated and misunderstood by many art critics. Jacobson is to call for Lowry's fetishistic, private drawings to be more widely shown.'I don't feel we are prying. I don't think there is anything prurient about it. In fact, by avoiding looking at this work we are just shielding Lowry from imagined disapproval. It is pathetic,' said Jacobson.He will suggest the public do not yet appreciate the complexity of Lowry's work, partly because they see such a limited selection. For Jacobson, the secret drawings of women in outlandish outfits and strange bondage positions are just part of his melancholy and tortured view of the world.'I am not somebody who thinks we have a right to know about everything in an artist's life. There is a line, of course. But when it comes to the work itself, then it is not like that,' said Jacobson.'It shows what a serious modernist Lowry really was,' said Jacobson. 'If he was French, after all, there would be no fuss. In fact, people would probably expect him to have made work like this.'Many of the erotic sketches show single female figures in bizarre and restrictive costumes and they commonly have either a hinted or an explicitly violent content.Jacobson's call has prompted the Lowry estate to reveal this weekend that one of the erotic sketches held at the Lowry Centre, will be loaned to the Netherlands for an exhibition this autumn. The sketch is to be sent out along with three other more conventional works by Lowry.'We would always consider a request to show these works,' said a spokesman. 'It is always simply a question of context and of the level of scholarship involved.'The work being loaned for the show in Ghent is reproduced above by permission of the estate. The Lowry, which was set up in 2000 to commemorate the life and work of the painter, has also responded to Jacobson's plea.A spokeswoman for the gallery said that the group of erotic works, which are sometimes referred to collectively as 'the mannequin sketches' or 'marionette works' were, in fact, available for visitors to see on request and that many of the images are also brought up into the public display area according to a rotation system.'I am always happy to show this work on request,' said the Lowry's collection adminstrator, Ruth Salisbury.The arts establishment has frequently denigrated Lowry, who worked as a tax collector, and classed his work as part of an anodyne, heritage tradition. Dubbed a 'Sunday painter', his familiar paintings of factories and 'matchstick men and women' have been dismissed by some critics as a straightforward celebration of the northern industrial experience.Jacobson sees this as a major misunderstanding. The work is a brutal consideration of the modern world and the lack of communication between people, he argues, and is reminiscent of the work of the playwrights Harold Pinter and Samuel Beckett. As a fellow Mancunian, Jacobson will suggest in his lecture that Lowry's habit of running himself down has been counter-productive. Many critics have been taking his work at face value.

(I'm always impressed at the information AB manages to store in her memory)

 

 

Some of the paintings I saw .... And there were 6 rooms so this was just a very small selection. Some of the more well known city scenese were there of course. AB informs me that the Tate has a large collection that are never shown. Why?

 

 

Just one last ting to get off my mind. As I was walking across Lambeth Bridge towards Millbank and the Tate, a man approached me. Well dressed and shaven, he tried reassuring me that he wasn't going to snatch anything or mug me but wanted £2. He explained he had lost his wallett. he had not phone having decided to leave it at home. He was supposed to be meeting friends. He said he needed £24.50 or something to get a train home. I was suspiscious and offered tog et some change. But as he was walking and he was clearly needing the money so much I just gave him a tenner. I don;t really have moeny to be able to give away to strangrs who I didn;t really believe. But it didn't matter whether I believed him or not he clearly needed it so much to ask starngers and so I had it and gave it to him. A little bit of me is hanging on to the idea that i was conned but the other part of me knows I made a choice because he clearly needed it more than me whatever his reason.

I just hope he uses it wisely and it wouldn't contribute to his downfall. Happy days for him I hope

 

 

There is an irony somewhere in there that I can't wuit connect with - the poverty depicted in Lowry's art, cities, unhappiness and this man - well dressed and that desperate for money.

 

Bliss

xx

 

 

Measured matter but not why matter matters just as it is. It just is

My name isn't Bliss, but it does for at least some anonymity whilst I write for public view about this crazy life I have that I chose today to call and adventure.
If you read back over these years I've been writing here, I'm sure that a lot of it will mundane, over-emotionalised nonsense. But between the lines there's a lot of profundity. A lot of potential lessons. With a view as an outsider, with the overview of this life I live in, you will be able to judge if the potential is realised to any degree.
I am inspired by peoples inspirations. Just the other day someone commented on FB about the film Romance and Cigarettes.This came to the fore with the sudden death of James Gandolfini. I barely know his acting to be honest but as always with fame, his death suddenly makes his young years of early 50's poignant of all deaths in this way. especially I suppose as I'm in my early 50's. 53 to be precise. Well 53 plus some days and hours and minutes etc if I am to be really precise. How did those many years happen to me. Anyway a point I wanted to make is that other peoples creative discoveries are a sort of introduction and education for me to discover these things. The more I am aware of the more of an education around things I have, by exposure if you life. The more exposure the more discerning I become of what I like. And I have given such power to people that I have actually liked what they like to get their approval. Nowadays that's moderating and I am better able to say what I like and hopefully keep an open mind. With ML if she likes something I am loathe to like it anymore as she gets such a ego with peoples approval of her in any shape or form. Why does this all rub me up the wrong way?

So I've been lying in bed all morning since 5 am. I went to bed just after 10pm. I simply was not able to stay awake any longer. Today I want to really read chapter 10 and then take some notes on it. I want to try and keep the assignment question in mind so that I study it with that in view. And then tomorrow I'd like to read chapter 16 and make some notes on that. It's a lot to ask of myself. So I will actually start at 8:30.
I have plans to visit SS for a walk this afternoon and tomorrow I will walk with AB. It's good that I see other people at the weekends other than AB. For some reason I felt limited but safe being there all those weeks and months before. But AB is limited with her paranoia and desire to drink. Her drinking limits her and I do get irritated. It's such a waste of talent and ability. It's the same thoughts I have of G and JB. All that genius seems wasted and yet that's where they are. I wouldn't say I seem them happy, not even content but that's where they choose to stay. And I could be wrong. The alternative, the doing something about it is obviously harder than staying there.
Gosh that makes me sad as if G were to step forward I think we could have had a wonderful time together forever. But that's gone it really has. The hope for that relationship has truly died.
Even now if he were to step away from some of the things that I found were limiting of me, I think there could just not be a reigniting of anything. Isn't that a strange thing?
I saw the film Romance and Cigarettes. Not a great film. But the infidelity in the end was the thing that allowed him to see he actually loved his wife. And her hatred was actually her hurting for the love of him. When he showed up she could not avoid her love for him. And then he was ill and died. Redemption of true love in the end away from lust.
But this was actually a discovery that G's brilliance was overshadowed by things that just weren't a good match with me. That's the reason for courting. I just do it from the inside instead of the more reserved way, i.e. no sex and intense involvement as in almost living together. My parents so frowned upon this I've thought it was wrong all the time. It was as if like them after 6 months I should get married and make it work. That's what they did despite my mum knowing really it wasn't for her. She left him at the beginning but went back. She was probably compelled to as I have been - but her shackles were of her background - Catholicism no doubt being a large part of the familial influence.
And D said again yesterday the way in which some women flirt is learnt from their mothers. She's possibly got a good point there. My mum was a flirt. With everyone. She flirted with people. I beguile by showing interest in peoples interests and learning more about their interest. I like to delve around finding out what music they like or films or passions and join them in those things. The other day my flirting involved asking LW about music and we spent an evening swapping tunes. I enjoyed listening to what he likes. And then threw a few of the things I've enjoyed. I mentioned art to see if he likes any. He likes theatre and I'm not sure about cinema. It's all flirting. I am more me but also enjoy discovery so feel others introduce me to more. I like new and interesting. Learning about wild flowers with G has really ignited an awareness of the things I've walked by, not unnoticed but definitely I'm even more aware. I like that.

I am thoughtful. and some remorse has appeared in the recent week AG (after G). It's grief I think in connection with my dad being gone and no way of making amends when I now see the error of my past ways including recent years. I have been so filled with resentment and hatred. My behaviour reflected this. I am seeing it so much clearer but with no way of making direct amends to either of my parents. I am truly sorry mum and dad. Knowing that I am helps but its also so sad that I cannot show them in person only to their spirit. I am sure to continue making mistakes but I think my direction is less self-centred.
I feel so sad that G will be hurting in any way. I am probably hugely projecting my sadness for his story so far of rejection since a young child. He has been on the receiving end of what seems like rejection of him. He appears to me to be a raging child without any way of expressing the extraordinarily and talented man he actually is. I have been endowed with the trust of meeting some of the G within that is usually reserved behind a wall of grump and disdain. I feel fortunate and will carry that man forever with me. I am sad that the other parts of him and parts of me just didn't work out. I am truly sad and without LW around I am suddenly able to feel the loss and sadness.
And with it the grief around my dad too. I was fuelled in anger and glad to start letting go of some of that with G gone.
I feel lonely right now and need to sit with that. I was so fortunate yesterday to have a surprise call from JM. I haven't seen or heard from her for some several years now, perhaps since 2009. Yes since April 2009 when I left N and joined P group.
It was tiring but also lovely to see her. She is on a therapeutic journey and enjoying the discovery. She still has so much anger but it's understandable. I liked the way she talked of her parents unit ad she is on the outside. It does make me wonder why people have children. But it's life and each person has to come to terms with their lot and get on with the experience. Me included.
This has been my journey so far. It's not something to be angry with me for or judge. it's juge been the route anad the lessons with it are something to be cherished. I feel that way for everyone more and more. I have such feelings though for people as they are in their pain.

And the relationship with S has evolved further having met last week. We spoke yesterday. We were texting and then had the novel idea of talking. I was nice to know this friendship is growing. How marvellous that techno pen friends can develop real life. There's so much negativity about virtual chats but it's possibly just a broader faster way to meet people. Hasn't human history been a story of everything speeding up decade upon decade. Is it bad? I doubt it it just is. Experience it, adjust. Nature adjusts. We are within the process of creating the speed and experiencing it. We are it's cause and it's effect.

Bliss
XX

 

Insider ops

The Skype call was lovely for the purposes of someone calling me when I can see a long empty of people day ahead of me. But the little noises, the echoing sound and plop plop of rising bubbles from the depths of the deep, I just can't think of a summarising phrase that really captures the sound. JH could do that somehow.
A call from FA J. She had tried several contacts so was pleased to make contact. I was pleased of the connection with the "god-shaped hole" she mentioned. That was a reminder to bring HP into this. I suppose it's the first Saturday after the euphoria of feeling free for a week.
I think the high is beginning to deflate. The descent isn't quite as attractive and exciting as the exhilarating ride up. So here we are. Oh and LW has not been as intent with his contact this week. I suppose he's a lot more sensible than I am. A couple of days of late calls and intense contact and then he is getting on with his other interests - time out with friends (agh!), time with his boys (perfectly understood), work (when I still check even though I'm busy at work).

I don't even wonder what G is doing because I assume everything has returned to what it was. Time at D's sitting in Elstead doing what he did here, being grumpy and critical. Then reluctantly going to his revoltingly kept flat and attending meetings just not to be there with himself. I hope he managed to stay off the cigarettes. Gosh! Just 3 days off and then an end of a relationship, What a perfect excuse to start again rather than ride through the cravings. No doubt I'll be the selfish one to be so unkind at a vulnerable time.

It's interesting with LW. He had asked me to send him daily a description of my clothes. He likes that I am dressing thinking of him. It is arousing. I start to feel sexy and even walk a little more sexily. It contributed to my high. The low descends as the contact with him does not keep my excitement going. I am writing these things all sexually heightened without any return from him. I exaggerate because he has acknowledged me during the week. I think that's thoughtful.
I feel a little crude by continuing to write. I asked him to let me know if I should stop. He sent me a little carrot yesterday saying that he had masturbated over me. How thrilling! And then I think about it and think why is that thrilling, a man masturbating thinking of me. Ha ha. What exactly is this sex stuff all about. It's so compelling. Am I an addict? Or is this normal?
If there are consequence and I still don't stop then surely that's when the problem should be noticed. There have been consequences. I've become so obsessed there have been times when I harm myself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. I have put myself in risky situations, i.e. unsafe sex, multiple partners and feeling disgusted with myself - is it against my principles or is it because others have different principles.
I am carrying on with the request but I am not sure how long I will continue. Is it a test? He said he likes to tease. Would he tease so much to see how far he can push me. He said he likes to push to a persons limits. This too can at times feel really sexy, like he's controlling me but is he really or is that all in my imagination. We talked about the M/s roles. He likes to be in charge and it was him that sussed out the roles I might enjoy but I don't want to return to that. I like someone being in charge.
But of course I am realising he's created the precedent but it's me who's doing it. After all what he can he actually do. I'm here, he's there. He talks about wanting to spank me. Oh blah blah blah. So I've created this scenario that actually is not necessarily real.
I also have the laughable fantasy that somehow this will escalate. Because of course I have an ideal in my head of who he is. As I did G. I saw glimpses of it and overlooked all the things that weren't actually what I wanted. I would disregard so much if there is actually the person I am looking for within the enfolds of garbage. But that's not how it works. The layers give an indication of how the whole person is when the layers come together.
I am glad though to have principles. Sad that I don't always live up to them!

So here I am avoiding starting the studying. I have an opportunity to read ahead and get the final TMA done - although it seems the last TMA doesn't count towards the overall score. So what is the point? Anyway it has to be done. And then I could catch up on a bit of the reading I haven't done. What am I doing???? Sitting here watching You Tube music so that I can send the links to LW and look cultural, exciting, diverse. I seem to think because I'm attracted to that sort of thing it'll make me attractive.
And then watching episodes of In Treatment. Interesting as it is - truly. I am getting insight into me as a therapist, into me and my issues.
Perhaps I'll allow this morning off to rest and come down after a busy week in the therapy world. People relapsing - it's shit. But it's the complexity of this thing called addiction if that's what it is.
I met with AH. He is so aware and yet so not. He talks about his life with clarity but then utter confusion as well. It's good to work with him.
This is a client I really like. He is thinking about risk assessing every situation to help decide whether he takes a particular action or not. Sensible. And the agreement is that if he finds he cannot stick with his decision he may need some further assistance.
He just lacks connectedness. He has so much loving to give but it's sort of free floating wating for a place to land and be picked up by someone. Where he thought it had been picked up it's being squeezed out of him and he's left almost lifeless in that situation. He's an entrepreneur but without that final umph. He'd describe it as that extra special something that launches one about the glass ceiling. He's a grafter though and prides himself on his way with people.
I like working with him. He's not too proud to ask for help and really really wants something different. He will get it purely because he is somewhat willing.
It's nice to work with someone so fresh and inquisitve about himself.

Good for him.

Okay a friend has called - second week in a rwo. Out of the blue and is local. So we are going to meet for a cuppa and a walk. I really should tidy - these are like little hints that I could tidy and then people coulkd just be free to call around whenever they want. Part of my demotivation is the effect of the moths! I loathe them and their devastation so why bother tidying up. It can never look perfect. I want wooden floors now - get clinical looking. And no possesssions.

So extreme - bless me.
There is an HP, I see it through my friends. :)

Bliss
XX






 

Quick-witted devastation

It's a really busy day here at work today. I'm not looking forward to it actually. It can be even more exhausting when PD is like he is. He gets overly excited when we have lots of clients and it's a different stress than when he's worrying about money. He becomes sooooo controlling. He's controlling anyway. I just have to let go and turn towards patience and tolerance. When I do it's so much easier and I can smile and support him. Good to write that as it's remind me. Okay now I can let go of the exhausting bit which is the attempt to cling on to a little bit of control. Yield to empower!!

Relax and let go. I need some help from my HP to do this as it doesn't come naturally.
I could feel the tension, the pressure "got to get it right as P's wanting it all perfect"

Well the day went okay really. A good group. Supervision was as ever helpful. I'm tired.
However I wat to write down the past months. A lot as always has happened. I haven't written much about it.
Another adventure with lots of lessons. I wonder if I've learnt them. It appears not.

So last September, after several weeks or months of some sort of flirting between G and I, he invited me for a walk. I had for the entire time prior to this been thrilled by his texts and when that shifted into telephone conversations, I listened to his voive and started to fall in love with this person of my imagination. When I saw him I just kept asking myself what am I doing. I was not attracted to him physically. I imagine when younger he was a really good looking guy. But now he's a very aged and grumpy looking face. He is in fact grumpy.
On the first walk I was charmed by the way he knew the names of wild flowers. he took me to Winchester HIll. I had never been. So there was a romatic gentle him I encountered. Someone who was loving nature. Yup I was beginning to be hooked.
That evening I didn't want the time with him to end. We went to a nearby pub for a cup of tea/coffee. I was flirtatious in my whole body. He touched my knee. I noticed and the feeling lingered long after he had removed his finger. It was not a full hand just a few finger points on my knee.
As we drive towards home, it was getting late. I needed to eat. My place was so messy i wouldn't consider for a second inviting him in where I could have made my food and some for him. So late as it was, I suggested we go out for something to eat. I couldn't affird and somehow I already knew he didn't work or something. Anyway we had a cheapish meal. It was as abstinent as it could be and certainly less than I am required to eat. It was food and you know how it is when you're flirting? Food doesn't really come into things. So I'd done well.
Then he drove me home. Sitting in the car I asked him what was going on? He asked "what between thee and me?". I said yes. He said something I can't remember now and as I turned to look at him he kissed me. I was surprised to say the least I was not expecting that.
I said that I was not available for a relationship. He said he wasn't either. So we parted company.
I had texts from him in the week and calls and we went on a second walk. On this occassion I was more than intersted despite not being available for a relationship. In between all of this there were conversations with my FA sponsor who was saying that I needed to cut contact, I agree, I cut contact but then reengaged with him.
So on the second walk ... I was standing overlooking a wonderful view, when suddenly G put his arms around me from behind. He asked if this was okay, I said yes. I liked the feel of his arms around me. He had been so nice to me and was different really from the grumpy man I thought he was.
Boy was I mistaken. Over the last 9 months I have met his moodiness. Sometimes I could joke about something that one day would be laughed at and the next would be rude and insulting.
The relationship has been tumultuous at times but when it was (note the was) good it was great.
G really is a quite remarkable man. Even though he would screw his face up in disbelief, he is incredibly astute. He is intelligent way beyond the majority and also very bright. He has knowledge whish he would insist anyone can have but he cane use the learnt knowledge. He can use it both destructively and positively.
He has this relationship with D. He talks about his attachment to the dog M. Strangely enough I think the dogs are an analogy for his feelings. He is strgonly attached to M (D in my mind) and dislikes T (J the husband, they are still together and it's a strange 3-some really). Then he was being unkind to LL (me, growling at hr and making her unhappy). And that's how it's been really.
I tried to out aside insecurity re D and decided to trust him when he said they were close mates and that there was nothing other than that leel of feeling. He goes there pretty much every day unless he's avoiding doing some work that she's asked him to do, such as stroimming, or he's got annoyed (which can be regular with me) or she doesn't want him there. It's all very odd. i wonder what her wife thinks. And knowing the way G is he probably has made it home without that ever being anyone's intention. Well not to the extent he took ownrship of my place. He didn't want to leave. I ad to strat getting boundaried and saying I needed my time. he was getting angrier about that. BUt he came here to stay and after a couple of days I notied his tyres had been slashed. All four. He did nothing about for over a week. Eventually I asked him what he was going to do. He had no money. I loaned him the £240 to get the tyres replaed. He said he would pay me back. Guess what.
However, he put in a shower. I said I wanted it but had I known it was a payment for the tyres I wouldn't have had it. Plus it's not really finished, I had to buy some parts which I suppose were in all about £80 in the end. The housing association would have put one in for £70 and it would probably have been a better job in that it would have been finished. He promised a shower panel. It's never happened and he got cross about it as well because he's have to do some tiling. His workmanship leaves something to be desired so I am glad he didn't do that. So I paid £240 for a shower. And then he bought me a kettle and a loely jacket and some underear for my birthday. Again I was embarrassed to take this but no offer to ay back the money despite getting his rebate. I took the presents. Again I would rather have had the money to spend on my own tyres and a car service desparately needed.
Chrsitmas was awful. He wanted to be with D. She knew about at this time. He came for a visit on Christmas Day. I had not made arrangements thinking that we would be together.
He was marvellous support thourhg my dads; death - 3rd February and then the funeral 13th February. BUt bloody hell he projected his anger onto the whole thing including me.
He often did. Telling me off for being the way I am. I am so glad to have ended this relationship.
However I miss the intelligent him, the bright him, the quick-witted him, the thoughtful him, the gentle him, the intimate him. This man exists behond the gossip, the anger, the overly sensitive him.
Bloody hell is his story one that is so dreaful. I have cried for what he has been through. And it affects him deeply today. He does not move on from it. He says that it cannot be changed. He blames the circumstances on him being an alcoholic. I don't know if that's true or not. Is it there anyway to be had at any opportunity?
It's been a hellish time and an amazing time. In the end it was more hell than great. I hadn't been sure about the relationship throughou really. Things like this 3-some he was on, the lack of any desire to work, the lack of any money really, the anger, the gossip, etc etc. All these things were under my question from early on. I just wasn't sure though. I came to know last week when he shouted at me publicly for not wanting more than a glass of water. And then he was starting to get worse with LL. That was the final straw. That cannot happen to LL. S made a comment to me soemthing about valuing myself as much as LL.
And I have I ended the relationship on Saturday. It was not easy to do in the sense of fear of telling him. This FEAR in me is so immense. I could have said something Wednesday. He gave me the opportunity. I could have said somethign Friday and planned to but bottled out.
I knew I needed to say something Saturday morning as he thought he was coming over for a nie stay. He was civil on the phone. He put the phone down. Then I got a sharp text.

"you have always been dishonest. A fake, self-seeking and very much blind to yourself. Maybe the result of hiding in your therapy work!! The sex was a sham and I think you will always have fantasies about your father".
I smiled. I think this was hurt being lashed out. There was some dishonesty on my part. He'd asked me if I'd ever prostituted myself. I said no.
The rest, well. I don't think there's any truth in it at all. The last comment is something he alluded to before. I had asked him then what he had said as I didn't hear it or maybe he didn't actually say anything more than a start of something. I can't quite remember, perhaps the latter. Anyway. I think G was projecting so much onto me.
So it's over.
And then in walks LW or rather I invited the advance.
In my mind the fantasy has begun. I'm married living in Sweden. We are great together.
You see he is good looking. This one is. I do find him physically attractive. We have had virual sex. He's donw it before he must have done although he said he's had phone sex with an ex.
He says that he fancied me when we were at scaool. I am finding it difficult to beleive that someone so good looking could have or does find me attractive. You see I see ugly. well maybe just unattractive.
It's amazing though that I am so comfortable in my body now.
Another adventure begins. I'm alrady in something else. No time as they say like the present .... toescape the emotions!

Well I'm tired. Late night cyber ses these day knackers me out. Gosh how I was managing with SL goodness only knows. I was up until 2 or 3 am and then up at 6 to leave for work and do a full day rush home and SL again.
Crazy!! I can't do it now.

Bliss