An artists model or just a high?

Well this last couple of days I have decided that I'd like to be an artists model. I Googled it. And yesterday found an artist in Hampshire. He was on an artists chat site. He would be offering £25 for life drawing sessions. THEN ... on my FB page was a post from The Barn in Farnham advertising a life drawing evening class. I read the details and about the artist. I write to him saying that I'd like to model and would he require a novice. He offered me some dates subject to meeting. I went along this evening to an art class that happens each week on a Wednesday. The was the model naked as the day that she was born being drawn by a group of artists. Fab. I am starting a four evening modelling session. I will be dressed in a costume. I am excited. Very excited. I met and chatted with the artists and was able to take a look at their work.
I had a long chat with C the model. She has been doing it for 10 years. Her mother pimped her she said laughing. Having returned from India she was unemployed. Her mother ran a gallery and when someone asked her if she knew of anyone who would do some life modelling she put C forward. C shared some tips. Just be me, Choose a point to look at which in turn helps her ensure her head is in the same position. She said I would probably be nervous but that's okay but most importantly find a comfortable position and enjoy.
So my first session is on 3rd July, then the 5th, 9th and 10th. I will be paid which is great - it's £10 per hour.
I have no idea if I'll be able to sit so perfectly still for the long sit. It's not for the entire 2 1/2 hours. To begin with there are some exercises where I'll be moving about every few minutes. But then there is a point where I settle for the long sit. There is a break and I can say if I am feeling uncomfortable and need to move for a moment.
If I'd been seeing G I wouldn't have been able to do this I am pretty certain. He would not have liked it.
I told A and G this evening and A was wondering why? It's an experience I've never had. To be a part of someones creative process. The artists may not care about that but I do. I may hate. I may not be able to sit for long enough. But I will do my best.

I also did a private hour session - therapy this evening. At the insistence of a guy from AA. I met with his brother. My assessment is that that they have some deep issues between them. Goodness knows what will happen. I made some suggestions to the client. I was very non-specif with the AA guy. And I doubt whether I will hear from them again. We will see. But I charged £50 and the AA guy said he'll make sure he gets it to me.

What an interesting evening.

As if I've got loads of spare time - ha ha ha.

Bliss
 

Discombobulation

Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished, Bliss, is like finding fault with a lion because it can't fly, a bird because it can't swim, or tree because it can't leave...

With regard to the above remark from The Universe (tut.com) I agree. But there is also investing in one's potential. I have stopped investing in G's potential. I really haveloved the person he is. But there are behaviours and attitudes that I really don't like. His moodiness, his lack of desire to socialise, his judgements of others so harshly, his anger, his viciousness. Yet I have understanding of the origins of his pain and lack of trust from what he's told me. I feel so dreafully sad for the awful start he had in life. When I looked at the photos of him as a little boy my heart hurt. I can't imagine how the experiences have really left him. Uncertain and untrusting. I can relate from my own turmoil.
When does one stop accepting and take into consideration ones own needs. I am confused about this at the moment. With everything else that's going on I cannot deal with it. G has sent some light hearted texts and I have replied light-heartedly too. I do not want him back in my life and yet I miss the nicer parts of him incredibly. I have given of myself to him like uniquely. He has no idea just how much I have given of myself to him. And yet he thinks differently.

I do not judge him for what has not been accomplished because they are my measures. He may feel perfectly accomplished. He is bright and intelligent. He is interesting. He is quick-witted. He is lovely. I like and love G so much. But ...
And I cannot forgive him for saying that there were grey areas in connection with my dad. And at this time when I am learning more and more SHIT about the disgusting man. I feel sick and repulsed by him. And then G says something like that.
How could he? But then of course he doesn't know what it's like to be me so that's probably how.
Visiting the F's has revealed that there was suspicions within their family. Our family was being talked about. They felt that I didn't get everything they though I should, not enough care. Apparently my mum was challenged about not caring for me enough; by her boss PF and also by the F family. R apparently suspected sexual abuse. She was right. J told me about female friends of theirs that talked of my dads sexual propositions towards them. Those were the ones that said no.
The weird thing is that I didn't believe myself and yet this information I'vve been receiving cares what I think I was making up. Shit it's all so flipping weird. And I'm so angry with my mum and yet struggling to be angry as it feels so wrong. She MUST have known something, she certainly must have known about his infidelity and his nastiess towards me. How could she have sat there saying she didn't understand why things were always so bad between my dad and I.
I admit fully that I brough problems to their door but I was fucked up by him years and years before that.
My mum once allowed me to persuade at age 3 years old to stay in the playground with some boys. They spun me around on the roundabout and I fell off. I can remember lying on the tarmac and seeing my mum standig over me eventually. I am probably muddled but also remember it. I had to light the fire and put the dinner on and things when I got home from school. I was alone from a very yong age doing these things. I certainly was alone from age 7 yrs old.
It was all fucked up! And I thought I was making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
I feel like my world has gone. What was my reality is disintegrating. I don't know what reality is anymore. There is only my relaity l,oaded with experienes and attitudes and behaviours etc. I feel limp, lifeless. I want to run as afar as I can but I go with me.
My world is blown apart, topsy turvy. How on earth do I get forward from here?

Pleas e show me what and where and how Universe. Thank you

Bliss
X

Smelly armpits and four slashed tyres

A man is in my life!
G. I've mentioned him of course. We started talking some months ago at AA meetings. And rapidly but not so too it has developed into spending more and more time and reaching sexual intimacy.
In my mind I know that it's risky. I know that I am full fo self-will, insecurity and not so loving of myself enough to really be entering into a relationship.
Already I am aware of things I am tolerating without respecting my real thoughts and feeloings. One is his friendship with Mrs Elstead. I do respect anyone's choice of friends. However, this is more than friendship. She is a woman he has deep fondness for, in his own words. She is a woman he has had an affair with. To him it's necessary to come to acceptance of being the other person in a relationship. For me that's not okay. So I am sucking that to see. I know if was a friend I would be saying that it's not self respecting. I only actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is unatteched elsewhere. In some ways it's convenient though as there then is less of an attachment. I'm not really see this is in a fully conceived concept. I know it's there. His relationship with her means I do not have to be so fully committed. Interesting but not healthy in the greater scheme of things. Intimacy and commitment seem interlinked to work healthily. By commitment I do not mean to a lifetime. I mean on a daily basis working towards the same direction. Lovingly and respectfully and with no outside distractions as temptation to avoid intimacy and commitment.
There is also the fact that G does not want to work to earn money. I do not judge him for that. I am perfectly at ease with it. However, there is a degree of knowledge from my own experience that whilst it's nice in the semse of not having to be responsible to routine, it's also not good for self-esteem and self care. I was able to alter my lifestyle to suit the circumstances but being able to work to afford the things I enjoy despite having to be cautious, well it's satisfying. It goes overboard for some people. It goes to the point of imbalance, earning, earning, earning. It can seem justified too. Needing to work ferociously to be able to afford lovely things. True! But what about a balanced work or activity life so that other things like relaxation, friends, interests, etc have room for breathing too. This all evasive thing called balance. Anyway there is the other extreme of simply investing in relaxation. Avoiding turning up for one's potential in a way. Limiting the horizons but acoiding all stressors too. The stressors will find a way of manifesting regardless because if anyone is remotely like me I will create the stress. It's almost a default position. As I have faced the world more and more my strength to stressors has increased. I used to think I couldn't be out there because I was so anxious and stressed. Wrong. I can be out there and with support find ways through the stress. The stressors exist everywhere.
And as a result I have some things in my life that I work hard to be able to enjoy. The stressor is not having enough money to be able to do more.
So last week, I was visiting G at his second home, Mrs Elsteads home. He said one evening that he wanted to sleep with me. We had talked at length about issues with sex itself. We talked about skin on skin, which G now calls his skin on skin therapy.
We then were talking very openly about our lives as children at the hands of neglect and abuse. Afterwards G was very angry with me. He became angry it seems when I was asking him to stop being furious with my dad. He was cursing and saying what he wanted to do or me to do. How many times have I been in that situation and these feel I create it. I also realise that I was tapping into a lot of his own anger. I think and it's only a theory because I think G would accuse me of being a therapist, that having made himself so vulnerable to me he need to lash out at me and push me away. Apparently when I said that I felt hurt and sad, it was like a wake up call for him. I said that I knew he did not want to hurt me but at times just people interacting can be hurtful without there being any intention of it. It seemed to bring him back though and that was the night we ended up sleeping together, no sex. I had already felt incredibly sneaky by the cat I was meeting him in Mrs Elsteads house when she and her husband were away. Her being married did not make it better but worse, My principles these days do not involve cheating on people.
However, I am being dishonest with B, my sponsor, too. I still have not told her about having had contact, let alone the fact that we are now sleeping with each other and having sexual intimacy on a regular, evening by evening ad day by day basis. I am on leave and he is a free agent. So he is staying here, every day and ever night. I like it. But it is disrupting my studying and contact with friends and fellows from FA.
It is what I would call those early days of total plunge. Indulgence in a way. Which if it was being supported by friends then it would be less of a total absorption into each other. But I have not told anyone. It's shame. Not at all of him. I like G enormously and what we've been doing. He is a handsome, intelligent, humorous man. He is gentle and conscious, as much as is possible in stages. But importantly he is working at consciousness and mindfulness. He is considerate and generous with time and money, despite his financial status. How anyone can afford to shop at Waitrose is beyond me. I feel a cheapskate and plebby really only affording Lidl's. However, Lidl's is okay. And whilst they are less concerned with packaging and perfectly shaped, coloured fruit and veg, their produce is probably no better grown. It's just more polished to convince people they are buying healthier. A lot of people buy healthier in this image but don't actually eat healthily or look after their bodies other than what they purchase. That's ironic.
Anyway, there is a lot of talk between us. I love that G introduces me to new topics and interests. Anyone that knows me well will know that that is the most intoxicating aphrodisiac for me. Alongside humour. He is charming is many ways. I like that. But boy he's angry too. He talks of meditation nd becoming conscious. But also in opposition to my desire to head towards forgiveness and love for example with my dad, I think I understood that he wants to hold onto the anger towards his neglectors and abusers. What a bloody world this is. When I listen to his story I am so sad and angry for him.

This was unfinished writings but complete in the sense things have moved on since then (added 21 Oct)
Bliss
XX 

The colour virtue

Darn it! I wrote out here in this very page the extent of my anger. And blow me over with a feather the flipping thing crashed temporarily and all of my words have gone. Gone into the ether. And what's left? No anger. It's passed. It was in relation to spending time this evening with someone so very dear to me who in my opinion is in the very pits of this disease of addiction. Right now I feel sad to the point of tears, which is the next phase. I was so relieved I picked up the phone to SS and roared my anger out to her knowing that she could hold it and not try to fix it. She related and understood this horrible feeling of powerless. I cannot do a thing to help as hard as I try with talk and ideas and love. It just doesn't get through. And that's so tragic. I will not abandon her which is what people have said to do. I did in the early days of recovery from alcohol but the renewal of the friendship was always essential. A sad waste of someone so talented and clever. Please God I pray for A.
Thank you God for my awareness and for showing me how to do this differently. I knew I needed to speak to someone and to speak to someone impartially was just what I needed.
And also with L today. That was the other thing I had been writing about vigorously. I came across L talking to F (HD). I heard her say "this morning" and "she". As I was the only one in with her this monring I started thinking all sorts of things she was saying that would be lies. Thank goodness I didn;t do what I wanted to do and that was to listen in. After all there I was yesterday saying to a client about the self inflicted torture because he is reading texts and online messages that are truth but hurtful. It's none of my business. And what I did have was God. I asked God for help. I put my turst in God that whatever was being said, I would be OK. It's pride. Me wanting people to think well of me and the injustice of someone lying about me and disparaging my good name. Especially as here I am maing big changes. I need to start saying good things only about her. I need to stop doing that to her. It's a horrid feeling. I've known it before. The fear of being defamed and often with someone else's issues leading the defamation. Treat others as I would like to be treated myself.
Thank you God for guiding me. I feel better about myself too so thank you God for that too.
And this evening I feel very honoured that a friend was able to share a little of themselves. I know it's nothing to do with me but to be present at the moment that person was able to verbalise some deep truths and put trust in being heard - well I am blown away. Thank you God for guiding that person and I pray for them. I know the changes that are taking place in me are just beginnings and there for his taking to.
Thank you God for so much and everything. I pray for more of course - well I am an addict after all. ;)

It's bedtime despite the colour virtue not being finished. I want to continue watching the WHITE programme. I found the BLUE programme fascinating. I will need to watch the GOLD programme as I skimped it. Colour will be talked about by Stephen Fry too on Radio 4. Sometimes wotk just gets int he way. Thank you God for iPlayer. Convenient.

Nighty night and thanks for the release from anger and the amusing way of taking it right away. Gone, for tonight.
oh thank you God for keeping me abstinent today. Amazing, truly!!

Bliss
xx

ps - some more darn it's. I've had a few hot flushes over the past few days. Today they were bigger than yesterday. I hope this doesn't mean they are coming back along with a whole host of other symptoms. Tedious and horrible. I thought I was done and dusted with that!! Poop!

White may be the darkest colour of them all? The purest colour became tainted.
White came to symbolise an enlightened world. But was used to divide and control and then finally to conquer.......

25 Sep 1938 - The Director of the British Museum was on his rounds - but unbeknownst to him an incident was taking place in the basement. Cleaning was taking place of some objects, some of the most prized possessions, the Elgin Marbles.
A number of sculptures. They were once painted in rich colours that had washed away. But at one point we were convinced they had always been wither and were being made whiter than ever before.
The Director put a stop to the cleaning - the culprit - Joseph Devene. He thought the marbles were too brown and believed they should be white. This action had not been approved by the Museum.

The intrigue of white = why was Devene so desperate that the sculptures should be white and so white. The Greek sculptors when to lengths to painting away the white.
Planting white at the centre of European culture was Johann Joaquin Winkelmann, born in 1717 in eastern Germany. He was an intellectual and wanting to set foot in the cosmopolitan areas.
He arrived in Dresden and discovered
He found a store of ancient white statues in all shaped and sizes. There were plenty for hm to feat his eyes on and of the most wonderful. He there and then dedicated his life to persuade others of the beauty.
in 1755 he found a city littered with white columns and so on from ages past. He started recording all the marble he found. The Belvedere Torso and others.
His records got him noticed by the Vatican. He set eyes on the Apollo Belvedere. A copy of which in in Soanes house. This one in the Vatican was believed to be a copy of a Greek original carved in about 300BC


What's truly surprising apart from being the most beautiful man, is it's whiteness. This sculpture shows how sophisticated the ancient Greeks really were.
White symbolised health, simplicity, reason and more.
He celebrated the whiteness of this art.
We should feel indebted by Winkelmann for inspiring the future.
Whiteness is purity. Winklemann's dream of filling the world with this purest antiquity.
An elegant building - home of Britain's most famous potter. Wedgwood. A giant of the enlightenment
He was the grandfather of Charles Darwin - wow
He was a Winkelmann disciple sharing a love for white antiquity.
Voltaire the philosopher, Joseph Banks, botanist,
Wedgwood was determined to bring the sculptor to the edge of comfort an then let them go.
His family were unperturbed and yet I don't see any activity

It was very difficult to reproduce a paint that getting to a white glaze was a constant disappointment for M.
The first great white glaze ....
He turned out a seres of beautiful whits pots.

Neoclassical consists of flutes and columns. As well as available space. I could not imagine anyone coming here!!!!

White had conquered Europe through Winkelmann.
Mid 18th century - a transformation about the way we view white and art.
1859 a  young man married on out shoes - please can you cover today for me

On the scent of a track ....

A reflection of the week will only just about sum up the detail of all that I have observed and learnt about myself this week.
Monday was the day of the returning boss. It is in hindsight that I realise that actually I was full of terror. I was tense all day. And expecting a tirade. I can't remember the details of the day now, thank goodness. But what I can see is a process within me. The terror developed into a growing mania. I was on the phone to V and at the same time sketching. I was on the phone for quite some time. It was interesting listening to V speaking about himself and his situations. At that point I could sense the mania was escalating in me. The sketch was complete and it was suddenly important to scan it and download it onto all the various outlets right there and then. I think I did some other things and ended up getting to bed very late. Then at 2:20 am my mobile phone went off. I recall switching it off. About 20 minutes later my landline rang. This time I got up always worried that when the landline rings it will be my dad or about my dad. I could hear talking but not to me. Someone had dialled my number in error it would seem. I went off to sleep.
Then my alarm went off as normal and up I got. It was my turn for Aftercare so I had the entire morning, something I cherish. However, I was manic I think. And what was a revelation is that the stress and terror had been the trigger to the mania. Now there were several things that happened. I got involved texting and emailing JH which resulted in me missing my regular call to my sponsor.That has not happened before. And you know what I did as soon as I realised? Apart from dialling the number knowing she had left. I left a message saying that I had tried calling and it was engaged and then got distracted. That was a lie. So another realisation is that I pick up a lie as easily as I pick up food. I lied to avoid being disliked and a bad girl and then being rejected. More abandonment is just a horrible feeling that is so ingrained and automatic that I don't even feel it. So I learnt to lie resulting in me not getting i trouble at that moment. The problem is that something wouldn't be sitting right in me and so between me and the person I had lied to and ultimately I was untrustworthy. And it always gets found out one way or another. Thank goodness I was able to get hold of my sponsor later in the day and whilst I didn't discuss the whole lie thing I did explain the truth of what happened.
So anyway prior to eventually speaking with my sponsor I became repeatedly warned that I was being airy and not present. I burnt the saucepan twice. I'd already missed the call. There were a strong of events that showed me that I was slightly off the wall. Not completely. I have been there and this was mild. Anyway speaking to my sponsor was somewhat grounding. And then I spoke with E from FA. I had seen her website as I was sending the link for JH to take a look at. By the way he passed comment that he liked what he saw. I hope he managed to get in contact and see her work. There is one piece which she thinks is serenity that really looks exactly that serene and tactile. I want to see her work and am hoping to get to her studio or something when I go to Brighton next week.
So I called E and she suggested I stop before I go into work and listen, really listen to some classical music. Good idea. And that's just what I did. I listened to every instrument I could distinguish. And it worked. I went in to work and we had supervision. I went with the flow.
Now here was an interesting change. L kicked the meeting off talking about a client she is working with on a 1:1 basis. Of specific interest though was her lack of basic skills. As I listened and the saw the others chipping in, I carried on listening. At the right moment for me I made a suggestion but not after S had been pointing something out that L was disputing as she does. I asked her something in a different way, attempting to really hear her and this gave me the inroad as well to make a suggestion. I want to become more practiced at really hearing through my listening. I want this both in my working practise and my day to day interactions with friends and fellows. Anyway I am judgemental when I say some of the things seemed the very basics of what we do, which further confirms S's suspicions that she is a rooky. In myself I observed how immediately angry I felt that she was using our clinical supervision for her 1:1 client. A client we have never and are unlikely to meet. The others seemed to go with the flow of it so I stopped myself and went with the flow too. It was opportune in watching and participating in supporting her floundering. She was talking about how this client gushes everything out and also L displayed her resentment and judgement towards another treatment facility but also her complete grandiosity. She accused the other place of not working, in a round about way. Which she manipulated into saying that she felt an obligation to get this client well. I think she thinks she offers the best treatment. And yet I also think she is hugely out of her depth. people in glass houses ..... my training is very basic! I am glad I stopped to listen. It took a lot of our time and A pointed out the similarity between what she called it flooding and how L was flooding us with the story of this client. We did get on with some other matters but there was little time for the entire group after A had told us about family groups.
I loved Aftercare but got back very late and still had to prepare my meals. There was a message from my dad on the answer machine. He said that he was in hospital for observation. He didn't say where or for how long but said he would call me when he could. He hasn't yet. By Thursday morning my anxiety was rising and I decided to try and track him down. I found out he was on G9 ward. This made me smile in a way as that was a little family joke. There was a juke box in the hotel in Corfu King somebody hotel. My mum, dad, Karen (my friend) and I. Poor Karen was struggling with alopecia at the time. It was also her first flight ever. There was a particular song G9, a Greek song that we played over and over again. The staff in the hotel would dance with us some evenings. I don't actually recall how old we were. My ad liked it too. Anyway I was able to discover that G9 was the renal ward. I found this out mainly because the switchboard put me through to G7 who said he was on G9, yes I already knew that and before they transferred me I asked what the ward was. The renal ward which instantly worried me. My dad had a kidney transplant in 2000 or was it earlier. No I really think it was 2000. My mum died in November 2001. He married T in Sep 2002. Blimey! It all still surprises me. Anyway I was put through explained I was my dad's daughter and that he had left a message to say he was in. The nurse started saying he is comfortable but ... She hesitated and then said I can't give you any information over the phone over than to say he is comfortable and walking about and not in any pain. That sounds ominous. I am sure the stress of T being in intensive care is not assisting his own health issues. I am scared for him. I doubt he is telling me anything close to the truth. Anyway I nearly skulked off into oblivion again by saying thank you and putting the phone down. Instead I asked her if she could give my dad my mobile number. She took it and I juddered from within with fear. Thinking of the wrath of my dad when he discovered that I had tracked him down. There was a missed call from a mobile I didn't recognise. Twice. That would infuriate him even more, that having left the message to call I wasn't answering my phone. In the past there were occasions when he called at work and would bawl me out because I was busy. My goodness my dad is an angry man. Anyway I decided I could face his wrath. I was prepared to say that I had been concerned and just wanted to let him know I was anxious to know how he was doing. In my mind there was an image from Xmen2. One of the characters steps outside to take on the full brimstone and fury fire of the planet. She knew she would die but faced it anyway for the greater good, i.e. her patriots. That was what I envisioned for me. I would stand there and take it except the various ages of me are my patriots and this time it would be highly unlikely I would die. Anyway every day I wait and still no news.
Tomorrow I am going to London with GB. We'll be going to Sir John Soanes Museum and British Museum. I think I feel somewhat guilty because I ma not visiting my ad. But then I also want to respect his wishes to keep me out of things. I just would like him to know I care and am waiting with angst all of the time. What if he were to die? Would anyone call me? Is T still in intensive care? How serious is this situation for my dad? Will I get any inheritance.
What I have had is a degree of acceptance that this is how he treats me. I feel enormous sadness for the all the wrongs I brought to his door. I feel so sad that our relationships has been so troubled for so long. I feel anger towards him too. I also feel acceptance that this is just the way he is. He is not going to change for me. But as I've said I am prepared to face the wrath. It is becoming similar with L.
I no longer need to hear her nonsense. And on Wednesday evening I said that I need some allocated time in a week to do outstanding admin and also I haven't done any FFg for ages. So suddenly she said she would do the majority of the groups. Blimey! And she did. I got one discharge summary done. The rest of the time I was the photocopier copying, or on my phone or email texting and emailing. That's what I do a lot of.So this was more enormous selection for acceptances. I asked myself yesterday evening if this was false? I am truly hoping it's not but also it feels right and there's no explanation of that. What a beautiful sight, unity amongst a team of clients mainly wanting to work and bring about change. It's remarkable and peaceful.
So the biggest thing this far into recovery is the acceptance that's there. It goes when I need to rely on God and keep praying for the trust to have a belief in something other than simply me, although God is within me too. I believe God is in me and working through me.
The clairvoyant now says it's time to move on I've been there a long time now.
However I later caught him having had a biscuit. Now the same and guilt he'll be feeling could easily result in the blaming the recommendation or the room etc. Lets hope D is well enough to have boundaries in the group.
Oh then there was more contact with JH. And a little excitement was there. I have since spoken with him. As I was listening I realised nothing had changed. At first hearing his voice was enticing despite my feelings of shame from the past behaviour. But then as I listened more I realised that I was getting beyond everything now. His circumstances and my distrust was of no interest to me. It is nice to be able to be friends in some way. It is lovely that he has invited me to dinner. And I accepted. He is staying in places that I've been able to recommend. And that's all there is to it.
I met JB on Thursday and listening to his passion for his latest music project. I hope something comes of it for him. However, there is something missing for JB. It has never happened so far. Now is that a distinct lack of popularity and being an interest for a minority. Or is it just not having the breaks. Or is it his controlling of it all. I'm not sure but it would be nice if something he valued came of it such as to be able to play something of his or to get a comment from someone he respects musically,. like David Bowie he mentioned. If only he were in the rooms he could tag along an meet RS or Ec, not that he respects EC.
It was a pleasant time and I was able to share with him how I feel more acceptant of my dad. The sadness, the hurt, the anger still exists but I don't have to over dramatise it. I don;t need to share it everywhere. I don;t need to act out. So far anyway.
And then at work I have been light and breezy. She brought up the fact that we haven't sorted out our differences and said that's why she doesn't get on with me when learning that I am a Gemini. She is a Taurus. But in the main I have deferred to her everytime I have heard her resistance and a battle starting. And I have also remained me. Only this afternoon did I feel scratchy and it slipped out sideways when a client was relapsing by eating biscuits. I had seen him make a mad dash from the gathering outside. I had actually thought he as coming to get his phone so took the box outside only to discover him with his face filled with biscuit. He laughed afterwards probably nervously and I said "you've relapsed". I said no more and could have said that he needed to talk to his peer group about this. I didn't.I noticed then that I was feeling disappointed but also tired from the week and I wanted to get home. I did and then on to my meeting. What laughs we have there.

I don't recall precise details over the next few days so some of this may appear sketchy considering I am thinking this to be a week of a lot of progress in change. Just for today huh!!

I think I've probably skipped a lot of the little parts of me that have come into the consciousness. It's a real proud moment when a person grows before my eyes including myself. I feel so very fortunate. Thank you God.

Off to sleep as my eyes are drooping heavily and I have to keep reading what I've written as I'm almost asleep.

Goodnight
Bliss
XX

Watch out for Gremlins

Crikey! It feels like a whirlwind struck and it';s just this littl ol's thing called living life.
Where do I begin? So many observations and happenings.
Let's empty my mind as things come to the forefront of it.
Well first off was the sudden realisation when looking at my diary on iPhone that I was supposed to be going to S's (my Goddaughter) birthday party. Her 21st. Part of me didn't want to go as it involved effort especially when feeling already drained of energy after a full on holiday. However, the other part of me wanted to show up for both K and S. I made contact with them as really I had little information. I eventually spoke with K and arranged to get to her house. She informed that D (ex-husband) would be there and that was extra motive. Now that's interesting, so hold that thought. I also learnt that it was a fancy dress party!! Well I was not at all prepared for fancy dress and was thinking of wearing the dress I bought from Monsoon from A and G's voucher for my birthday. However I suddenly realised it was a proper party and hunted through some other ideas ending up wearing my very lovely pink dress from Karen Millen. I bought it years ago when with S and wore it only once before now. The only time I was slim enough. I look tiny in it. It was amazing to want to dress up and feel OK being dressed up. I didn't want to look as if I was competing with 21 year olds but at the same time wanted to dress up. Lovely.
I arrived in good time to eat my pre-prepared supper and then we were off to the club. Wow! K is so stressed and angry. She acknowledged that it was affecting her about D being there for the evening and yet she wasn't thinking about him. I didn't ask what she was being affected by. I said I hoped she would be OK that I intended to speak with him. She made a comment about him annoying her because he spoke to all her friends. K has so much animosity and deep down I know she is hurting badly. She doesn't seem to know any of this though. She defends her hurt and blames him, curses him, and is raging at him. Please God help K to either get some clarity or find a way to let go. Perhaps this recent man she has met will help but I tend to think it keeps her in the craziness rather than be any healing.
I did speak to D. It was nice seeing him. I have always liked D and in some ways relate to him better than K. K and I have such different ideas about life I always think. I talked quite a lot to D actually. There were times when I felt very much like a spare part and yet D and his brother M, and his wife J were so inclusive. The first time I went over to D. The next time he beckoned me over. It was then that I listened to him more. He has anger towards K but it seems different somehow. He is battling with her reaction to him leaving. He talked about his leaving and his new life a little. He was so complimentary about K as a mother. But he has a lot of concerns for the way things are. I could empathise with him on many issues.
They are certainly at different levels of their understanding and process.
What is interesting for me is me in all of this. There is a part of me that's always been attracted to D. I never ever crossed that line and don't think I even ever flirted with him. Despite what another friend of mine thinks I am honourable in that way. I can berate myself for having the thoughts about finding men attractive who are married but I would not enter into that attraction I don't think. I have however had affairs with men who are married in relationships. It hasn't been with any wife or partner I've ever known which doesn't excuse it but it has been meetings under different circumstances. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour from a man and so am deeply ashamed of my part in that. In recovery my amends is to not do that.
This adds though to my confusion and need to be open and honest with my support about contact with D. I suggested that I take his number as I would love to keep in contact with him. I have genuinely a fondness for him as after all I have known him for a long time. It's very difficult when a couple split up and a friendship has developed with the partner/husband/wife as well. I am loyal to K and would not wish to cross any line. But I have to be honest and say that I was interested when I heard that D might not be so happy in his new marriage. He asked me about my status and I said that I have chosen to have a good long time away from relationships. I noticed him touch me a few times but in particular when he said that K had asked if he and I had ever had sex together. I was sad that she would thin that but also very aware that she her insecurity is heightened and was before they even split up. I watched the dynamics with horror really. And the reality is I just could see K's destructive behaviours but always blaming him. I would have left too. In fact I did. I could not bear anymore the way K was and had no ways of saying it to her. Now I have a distance because I had to force it first. And I hope to be able to maintain my boundaries. For instance, talking to D for as long as I wanted felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what would seem appropriate and at times it seemed to lengthy. Especially when D said he was just going to the toilet and if I was there when he got back good and if I wasn't I wasn't. I wondered what that meant really? But I also know that I am a sex and love addict and I put meaning on things because I am looking for it. So I need to be vigilantly aware and not flirt or be suggestive in any way. If I want to maintain any contact with D it will need close monitoring. The thing is I also think if I tell my sponsor she will say no. Is that the right thing to do? Can I not have friendly contact and ensure my boundaries are in place. This is what I want to do.
So I have D's number and sent him a text so that he has my number. He has suggested we meet for lunch for a proper chat. I need to talk to people about this but I am terrified of their judgement of me.
I feel hungry. Surprise, surprise.
Who can I talk to? God please guide me with all of this. It is a fine line. I feel certain that my sponsor will say withdraw completely but what I really need is her to help me with boundaries and keeping them. Actually that's what I need to ask her to do instead of putting in comments and then being told what to do. I need to ask her to help me in the way I want to be helped.
I want to be a friend to K and not hurt her feelings. I would like to retain some of the friendship with D and I do not want to act in any promiscuously or indecently. Not that D would do that more than likely. I think he is decent man actually.
So what will I say to my sponsor. Than you God for the awareness and the need for the honesty. I know this is crucially important. Will I mention if to M as well - it's always a difficult call as I feel judged and I feel criticised too. If it comes up I will talk about it with her. It would be interesting to see what support she can offer with this. I would like to ask her to try and put all judgement and criticism aside and listen to my honesty so that I can find a way to be the person I want to be. Is that the right wording God?
In a texting conversation with A I have mentioned the need for support. I feel so unjudged by A and it's a lovely feeling. The thing is she is so unavailable these days. Even more so than in the past - boyfriend, pregnancy, family, other friends. I am delighted for her but aware that it is less availability for me. I wouldn't want it any other way though in terms of what she has in her life right now. It seems everything she wanted. Thank you God for providing for A.
It's odd really writing that because I realise that I want so many different things and different times. My wants a diverse. It is impossible to have them all at the same time. I want to be wealthy with finances and nice things and comforts and then I want simple living too. I want to be academic, I want to be a psychologist but I want to be studying art history too. I want to be bohemian at times and at other times smart looking an polished. I want to be working, I want to be able to afford a life of leisure. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be free and spirited out of a relationship. God is it at all uprising that You cannot provide any of these things as they are constantly shifting within me? Is it because I still have o idea who I am or what I want? Or is this exactly who I am and all the things I want? Please God give me guidance. I am wanting to develop my faith in my belief of you. This is progress huh God?
It will soon be AWOL time and I haven't written anyway near all of the things and observations over the past few days.
I want to add if I haven't already written how wonderful it was to want to dress up and feel good in being dressed up and comfortable being the right size. It was one less thing to have to deal with. I also didn't have to deal with the buffet and hunger.
I did have to deal with not being overly at ease just generally chit chatting. I do not want to go into to deep and personal matters. It seems so intense. I did fall into that for a while with some friend of S's. I think he was ingenuine and there I was getting too open. I realised it but didn't know how to stop it. God? I could have said actually let's change the subject. How do I break into conversations though about other matters like art and general interests. I suppose it would be useful to have a way of finding out what interests people have and ask questions about that. For example the young lads playing football. I could have asked about their team and how they think they play. I could have asked about their interests outside of football.
Same with D really. I did with J, talking about her daughter and her family. She was so pleasant really. Everything seems simple. She and M do seem happy together, dancing and laughing about. How utterly wonderful.
Thankfully the talk with this friend of S's was towards the end of the evening and the lights were coming on a clearing up was the need. It couldn't go on. He did share with me his insecurity was of his colour. I wanted to know more but he deflected onto me. He said he was a detective in the police but afterwards K implied that generally he was full of bullshit really. I didn't tell her he said he was a detective but somehow he didn't seem genuine at all then. How the influences of others can be so powerful. Gossip is dangerous.
I was pleased with myself. I did not enter into the gripes and sniping between K and D. I listened  mainly. I have passed on to K how D complimented her as a mother. I thought that was very important.
Oh whilst feeling unattractive and grey in colour the friends of S's said that I had a great figure and should be proud of it. I was very attractive and should be proud of it. He was also very surprised I was 52 years of age. Good! I do feel it though whatever feeling 52 really means.
I was disgusted again by K's dads inappropriateness with women and even when he was telling me. I have always felt so uncomfortable with his feely touchy ways. He is inappropriate and it makes me feel physically sick. I connect it though when younger as accepting it as it was fairly normal practise in my own household.
What i also found disconcerting and sinister was that one of S's friend's father and his mate were hanging around the youngsters all evening. The father had divorced his wife and was now married to a young Thai woman who looked little and a childlike figure. I found these two men repulsive and very worrying actually. What is one to do about things like this as the girls are all of an age now where it is consenting whatever happens. However they may be totally unaware as these men apparently have gone clubbing with them for years. Oh yuch!!!
Is it my own issues and suspicions or is it wrong. It seems very wrong indeed!! I expressed my disgust and concern to K about these men and she told me of her observation of the fathers friend on the dance floor keeping everyone apart. There is something acutely wrong in this thing I've witnessed. I noticed S kept right away from them and have a concern about this.
OK it really, really is time to call the AWOL. I hope that I get on all OK.
I'm looking forward to listening and hopefully will find the courage and words to share.Please God help me to contribute actively to the AWOL today.

Back soon
Bliss

OK AWOL, lunch and then over to the B's to collect LouLou. What a beautiful day. Summer! I am so tired but I think it would lovely to go for a stroll.
I had a conversation with M mentioning the situation with D and K and heard my desire to have contact. As a result and also speaking with the B's I think it would be pertinent to let some time pass by and letting the two of them discover a little more comfort between them. Talking with K today she said that she and he spoke more today at the stables than they have over the past 5 years. Perhaps, who knows, I had an influence in that. I called K this afternoon and was able to say to her that I was concerned for her with the levels of her anger. I suggested that she might be the gracious K and the gentle K that I know she is underneath all the anger. And that the anger is a cover for the depth of her hurt. She kept wanting to work out why suddenly D is being more chatty today. She wanted to know if he was having difficulties in his marriage. I said I didn't know. My gosh she's tortured with all of this. And that's when I stopped her and said try to stop working it all out and keep out of what may or may not be going on and simply stick with accepting it at face value and concentrate on her own behaviour and attitude.
Something that really stood out for me on the AWOL was when someone shared about wanting everything my own way. From a very little girl I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now. I didn't take no for an answer either. If I was told no I would find a way to get it anyway. And it's like that now. The same person shared about how in recovery I can't always have what I want. Recovery has to come first and that might mean giving some things up. Now this resonated strongly with regard to the issue of wanting t be friends with D. And also the more my discomfort with it has been sat with the more I have re-thought the situation. I spoke to M as well on my way to the B's. And I talked about it at the B's too. he general consensus that sits comfortably with me is that I need to step back. Develop my friendship with K more and then maybe in the future there might be the possibility of having a friendship with D. I am also aware there is another agenda that is not pure of thought. It is a no go. I still have a pull of "oh but I want...". I just know that it's not appropriate. So what do I do now with regard to having swapped numbers. I will see if he contacts and deal with that at that time I think. 
Another thing I asked about was the right way to make contact with my cousin. Now this was another mind fuck. I had a real yearning to call Nina. She broke the news to me that Uncle Brian died two weeks ago. She had asked my dad to tell me. I spoke with him the Saturday before I went away o holiday and he said nothing. Immediately I realised this I was furious. Over time I've calmed down. Thinking it through it was a blessing really as it would have given me the dilemma of asking the others to return from our holiday early.
I'm really not certain how I'm supposed to feel about Uncle Brian dying. It sounds as if really it was a relief for him in a way. Living in a home, paralysed. Poor Uncle Brian. And Auntie Betty now with dementia. Gosh all the money and nothing has saved them from this. Apparently, according to Nina, Uncle Brian asked Lesley to stay with him as he was afraid. That's so sad that he never found faith amidst all his material world.
How dreadful I feel that I found myself hoping, hoping, hoping that a twinge of something good about him meant that he'd left a little something in his Will for me. How flipping selfish. But also how very human. I am so scared of my financial situation that any way of getting some money is on my mind.
But when I have, for some peculiar reason, detached and distanced from family members. What is it I am meant to feel. My cousin Lisa is dead, my Uncle Brian is dead. I feel strangely very little. I feel sad perhaps? I feel what? What am I meant to say and do?
I asked the B's what they thought I should do. They suggested writing to my cousins, explaining that I was away have just heard the very sad news. I can give them my phone number and invited them to call me.
With regard to my dad. Well I will say something when I am not so mad. Did he and my mum keep things from me when my mum was dying. And I know he was angry with me for not being there and leaving early from her party. I feel dreadful about that as it was really so that I could meet up with SH. I feigned feeling anxious about the numbers of people. My mum's last birthday party. That hurts deep deep inside of me. Tears come to my eyes. I was there to help her with the HR admin thing even though she was high on morphine. And then I was there every day at the hospice. God I truly miss my mum.  I feel so awful that in my illness I brought upon her a lot of worry. I wish that hadn't happened. But I need to be careful not to turn on myself. Not to wallow in anger or self-pity.
So a letter. I need to phone Nina and ask for R, L and N's address. They have their own lives and families so will probably not mind too much about me. It feels important for me to connect. And then there's that horrid little hope of something from the Will. Crazy. Put that right aside.

LouLou is lying on the floor sleeping and wagging her tail in her dream. That makes me smile. That's so important as she is getting older and I'm hating watching that happening. I cannot bear to think of her dying. I don't know how I could deal with her death. I feel fragile around this. She is my constant company here. LouLou is just here and around and I know it. She knows I'm here. This place will feel even worse. Stop projecting. Anything can happen between now and tomorrow.

What a joyful thing. Someone else I've been thinking about a lot has emailed me. My friend R. I haven't heard anything from her in ages. And she sent me this wonderful picture of life itself. My favourite horse of hers Amelie

That's lifted me out of the low mood that was descending, but ever so slightly. There is emotions there of deep sadness.

I think I'm all written out.

Bliss

XX

The Slug and Bill

Well home eventually but not until nearly 22:00. Why?
A walk around Abergavenny, which already seems an age ago. You know that feeling of surprise that one moment I was there and now I'm here and there is already in the past yet fresh experience?
SO we visited the church, the indoor market and then teas and coffees at The Angel Hotel. T warned us as we arrived that she had ordered flour and sugar - scone with cream and jam. I am so glad that M had been confused about what T was doing about her abstinence. I have held from gossipping or talking about things that are none of my business to discuss.
After the Angel we drove to the castle. Splendid ruins. We had lunch sitting out in the grounds ad although cold it was nice to not be eating in the car in a car park.
We then walked around the castle museum. It was fascinating. An entire shop had been pulled apart not so long ago and resurrected as a display in the museum. What a thing to keep. M was chatting with a very good looking man on and off. I made a comment about the low fling planes questioning whether they were still allowed and apparently this was still a low flying zone. The good looking man responded to my comment of what a pity saying they have to practise somewhere. I think he may have been RAF. He didn't really speak to me again after that, anyway he seemed interested in M.
The father, was so interesting. Born and bred there. Born on one of the hills (on a farm) and then had lived for his life to date in Pantygelli where we had been staying. He added to the stories about the Smiths. He spoke of old Mr Smith dying having heard a noise out amongst the animals he went off to investigate. His wife was concerned when he didn't return, and then still didn't return and still longer had not returned. On exploring she found him dead in the field having had a heart attack. He hushed his mouth, he said no more. There is mystery around this story, hinted at strongly by his comment of there are many tales about the Smiths. A few years later old Mrs Smith went to Canada with her sister, visiting relatives. They were in a car crash, killed outright. And although he didn't say as much he commented on the current Smiths and all their kids. I think he was hinting at the "curse" on the household. I will write more about this.
Anyway eventually we set off from the castle, leaving Abergavenny behind us. What a great time we have had. I commented on having really found it easy being with T and M. We discussed how we have got along with each other and noticing our differences. I have a feeling M finds it less easy to get along with people's differences. It's only an opinion. I could be wrong but she commented on knowing why she can not live with anybody. What I tend to do is take on her difficulty as criticism of me. She made a couple of comments about me that I think are perfectly valid but there are other things that I feel OK with about myself. Those are things she is picking out and not necessarily because I am wrong.
I was struggling to work out timings for dinner. Having decided to eat out for our evening meal I was realising that we would be far too early based on the idea that M wanted to keep rolling really to get home before it's dark. So I suggested we might go for coffee/tea at Thornbury Castle. I remember how much my mum loved it when she and dad went for a weekend there. What a very beautiful Castle. A wedding was taking place, and that contributed to the afternoon tea being completely booked out - no room at the inn. So we used the toilet facilities and left having a cuppa in a very mediocre place in Thornbury itself. Then we stopped at the pub I had planned in Collingbourne Kingston.
Please no on ever go there. It was dreadful. The food was less than mediocre, in fact generally it was very poor cuisine. Only £9.95 for a poached salmon salad. My salmon was pretty dry. The courgettes seasonal vegetable side order were greasy and barely tasted of courgettes. The other seasonal veg was red cabbage. Wow! Stingy seasonal vegetables side order. And not a selection at all. But the slug was alive and well when I saw it crawling across my plate. Eeeek! I feel sick even thinking of it. So the pub to avoid is the Barleycorn. Not really because of the slug but for the way in which the matter was handled and the general terrible service, the slovenly approach by untrained staff (poor them, left to front the difficult situation I am about to describe), an angry and nasty Chef/manager and his wife who completely left us unacknowledged, not even an apology and continued to let the youngsters deal with the situation. M and T said their food was not good. Now without the slug event what does one do about this? When the food is mediocre and that's their standard what should one do about not good food?
Anyway, when I spotted said slug my first reaction was to try and remove it without anyone noticing. Why on earth ...? I felt embarrassed that this was happening to me. I wanted to surreptitiously remove the evidence without anyone noticing so that they would not be affected or would be thinking badly of me for having the slug on my plate. It would be something they could ridicule me about when already I was feeling dreadful about the experience of a crawling slug from food I had been eating my way thought. How disgusting. I gave the young waiter my plate and the slug. Of course the mood deepened on the table, and this after M and T had been having a long discussion about T's state of mind and attitude etc. I had dozed off so awoke to hear the last few miles of this situation. T seemed down but the slug slide brought the entire atmosphere to a big low. M could barely eat more of her food despite saying tat the burger part tasted good. There rest was not good. Although the chips looked lovely she and T said they were awful, greasy. Matching the courgettes. And the fish T had ordered she aid was tasteless. When the waiter came to the table I asked her to speak to the manager as ot only was I not prepared to pay for my meal which had already been knocked off the bill, I suggested that she might speak with the manager as were entirely dissatisfied and asked for the manager to compensate us. Well he didn't come out for ages. Of course he was busy with a "fine dining" evening. What a load of rubbish food they would be served up. Tat pub used to be so good, good home cooing. Now? So frustrating. When eventually the manager did appear I stated y thoughts and feelings very calmly and his attitude was diabolical. His sorry was followed with a but and a justification for the salad. He said that it is washed as soon as it arrives or something to that effect. He didn't mean sorry at all and that was the first trigger for rising anger. Then without any further apology he said he wasn't prepared to do anything about the cost of the other two meals. His dogmatic attitude fuelled the simmering anger. I was not seething but in my frustration at the injustice I felt my anger levels rise. To begin with I was argumentative . Then he kept talking over me so I shouted "please let me finish". I think he was aware that I could cause a louder scene in his pub that none of us had so far done. He said that he wanted a name and address to take us to the small claims court if we didn't pay. None of us had ID with our address on. The young waiter asked how we had got there which made no sense to me and so I asked what difference it made how I got there based on with or without ID.There was no follow up on this. M suggested we simply leave. But outside I said look I am not prepared to be taken to the small claims court win or lose. And if we just drove off they would take the licence plate of the car and no doubt we'd be stopped down the road. The chef/manager popped his head around the door saying that if we left without leaving any details it would be theft. Oh! How flipping frustrating this horrible man who had been a party to the mood of our day being flattened, me feeling sick an the others not being able enjoy their meal with worry, being a complete and utter imbecile. Goodwill is so important to nurture and whatever happened to the customer being right. We returned to pay with cash as none of us were prepared to leave our details. I am interested in how once again I was fighting for what I considered to be the underdogs, M and T. And it was my meal that had the slug and had been deducted off the bill. The slug and bill.
I'm tired now so will continue with this horrid saga tomorrow.
Night

Bliss
XX

A Question of honesty

It was raised some time ago when I was considering a change in my job position, how honest it really was not to tell them that I hoped to be taking another position towards the end of the year. This person said they could not take on a position without being that honest. At the time it sort of threw me. At first I was angry thinking that is so naive and not to be so silly. No one in their right mind would risk not getting a job by telling them I wouldn't plan on being there beyond the end of the year. However, talking more about this with others I am not sure that I made it clear that the other job wasn't secured, it was speculation and hope at this stage. And therefore with nothing confirmed there is nothing certain and so it would not be in best interests to say that this was hoped for. It was a plan dependant on ,many things including the job actually being there.
However the question of honesty keeps arising. In January I told a lie. It's not the only lie. After all I am stealing off the Internet on a daily basis. This is not honest and unaddressed at this stage except it';s playing on my mind. If I want recovery I need to get rigorously honest. It comes to bite me on the bum - I was taking cutlery from work. It was for the purpose of wanting my meals but I wasn't returning it. I've returned it now. Eek it's making me squirm, all this making public my dishonesty. And also I have taken some books from work. I haven't returned them and do not feel inclined to do so. However, having written this I now know I need to return them and if I want them that badly order them for myself or ask if I can have a copy. I want them and throughout my life when I want something I have just taken it. Yuch yuch yuch!!
Anyway I had a lesson to learn about honesty - yet again. It's also about taking responsibility and being able to be humble.
It was a day when L and S were arguing, S was insistent that we needed sessional cover. I actually didn't agree but because L was arguing against S I jumped into the argument, taking up S's cause (who backed off probably with the vigour of my anger and argument). So we got cover. But when the sessional came in he went and questioned it with the manager who came into the office and asked me why we had cover and I said "I don't know". L raised her shock when she learnt about this and I can see in hindsight how disappointed she was that actually I simply got her into trouble. Several times she raised the matter giving me the opportunity to own what I did and explain why. Well the other day it came up again. Having spoken with my sponsor about the lie and the shame that I was feeling because of it my sponsor really helped.
Firstly she congratulated me on my humility. And it was apparent that my "illness" or mental thinking was awry and the fear was so great that I decided to lie to try and avoid whatever it was I was afraid of. Lots of things were the fears and on many levels. I wanted to protect S as I do not want her to leave. I was afraid that P would think me ridiculous wanting cover when we really didn't need it. It was easier it seemed to lie to protect these fears. And yet it caused L huge disappointment and distrust in me. So my sponsor helped me to take ownership despite the embarrassment which can be very easily confused as it overlies humility.
I went in the next days - just a couple of weeks ago now and said
"thank you for the conversation yesterday. It gave me a lot of insight and a lot to think about. And you're right. I did lie and for that I truly apologise. I realise that it was fear." I added that I had seen the process and there was no need for me to go into that. And I also said that I know that a verbal apology is not enough and that she would have to experience my loyalty and responsibility through my actions.
L said that it was such a relief to her. She knew that she could no trust me and also that she wasn't going mad.
Gosh I have to watch my fear and what I do with it. The fear is to be acknowledged and embraced then step aside from it. Go forth with courage and be myself not the fear or the lie.
I do it a lot. Rather than be myself I will lie to try and keep everyone happy but all it does is create more problems.
Well I say that I lie - it can happen but I do not lie all the time. Gosh there's a need to be gentle with myself. I am not a liar just because I have told a lie here and there. That's what happens. People label and it's shaming. We are all capable of lying and most probably do so many many times in a day. When someone asks how you are feeling and you say alright it may not be a lie but it probably isn't the whole truth. If someone says you do this - OK? And you are not but say yes - that's a lie.
Yes there are lies at different degrees and impact at different levels. However they are lies nonetheless. That doesn't mean you are a liar. It does mean that becoming aware of it there is a chance to change.
Please God give me the courage to face my fears and act honestly and with humility. I am grateful for the awareness and want to be of good service to people.
pages 8-10 of The Little Red book talk about the aids to contented sobriety and that these are vital ...
humility, honesty, faith, courage, gratitude and service.
I am not honest about the downloading and it is not sitting comfortably. And yet I am also unwilling to let go of it. God please help me to become willing. I have every faith that you will help me and that in it's place I will find other ways that are decent and honest to access in formation - gosh the immediacy with which I require things is immense. What is this about God? Please reveal me to me. And help me to get honest and decent about this.
I need the courage to be honest about such things and show my humility. To embrace the squirming feeling of embarrassment and the courage to do that anyway. And in this way I can see all of things are a service to others. Service is not just in doing things like stacking chairs at a meeting or calling newcomers. Service is in treating people with respect and dignity. So for example by being able to be humble and honest with my sponsor shows my faith in her, respect for the programme and for her too. I can trust her. I know she'll tell me to knock it on the head. I do not need to speak to her about it to know what I need to do. I just need the willingness to tell her where I am at with this. It's the honesty.
She may say that she can't sponsor me until or unless I do stop.
Oh and there is the phone on Sundays. I am putting it on loud speaker because my phone is broken and I can't actually afford a new one. However I would afford to go to London rather than get a new phone to be honest. I do feel guilty as one of the perpetrators of not following the requirements. I need to get honest by changing this behaviour. Please God help me to be willing to do this please.
Perhaps Lidl will have a cheap phone with an answer machine. It doesn't need to be anything special.

What else? I think that's all I know of right now. Oh I do want to ask the question about mixing foods in my plastic box. Mind you B has seen my food so it's not as if I'm covering anything up and it was only mentioned yesterday that it would be considered not clean. I will try to remember to ask B her thoughts on this. I put things in layers into the box and on my plate serve them separated. Apart from the rice - I mix that up and the yoghurt with my fruit.
Interesting.

I am learning little by little. Sometimes it seems over rigorous. But I want my abstinence to be clean clean clean.
I will do whatever it takes. Will I forego though some things for my own gratification. Yes like not asking to use a landline when I was in Spain and then having to use my mobile the week later as I couldn't get through on my own landline. Phew I can make things complicated so quickly and easily.
I will mention about thinking about Secondlife. I will mention about the mix of foods. I will mention about the downloading. I will mention about the phone to someone else - God? Help me please ad thank You for always being there to show me the way. I faith that you will and I know that things get to me through my conscience if I don't - I know this is about living the way You would want me to otherwise I wouldn't feel those squirms. You talk through me in many ways. Thank You.
OK I will get on my knees now as suggested. And rather than humiliation rejoice in the humility of making this a practise of prayer.
Thank You God for another abstinent day yesterday and for the gratitude I found in many things - people, places and situations. Not least fellowship, facing fear with courage and creativity, gratitude itself, peoples shares, a clean food plan, a London meeting I can get to every so often. And time with friends in the evening and two interesting radio programmes to listen to. A sleepy LouLou and good food.
Also feeling I am good enough to go into private galleries and see wonderful pieces of art.
Thank You God

Bliss
XX

Camouflaged sadness and hurt

S didn't want to let me pass by the emotions I described that have arisen after meeting with him on Saturday. She was very good, and continued to be so today, at hearing the real pain amidst everything. All the other good things were real; a lovely evening BBQing in honour of my birthday with important friends, wonderful presents, fun and laughter, a rebate cheque from HM tax office (blimey!) and just when I am wondering how to afford a car service and purchase a new washing machine, a weekend with visits of me actually showing up to friends I can easily neglect, then a flat to come home to that's private and safe. All these good things and yet S noticed I by-passed strong emotions in connection with my dad.
I have been feeling sadness. That's realted to the gaping chasm between us. We are different sides of teh Grand Canyon, shouting across to each other. I don't want to lose that loose connection across the chasm and yet I'm finding it difficult to be heard and noticed. I am trying to hear everything he says but it's sometimes garbled with the echoes or so quiet that other noises distract from the essence of what is being said. I feel sad for the chasm and regret for the part I've played in creating that deep and immense distance between us. It feels as if the journey to be undertaken to get together is too long with the energy and amount of time left. I feel as if I can get there quickly enough. At the same time I cannot rush it when coming across all the things I need to get through the journey; money, food, shelter, support. I want the quick way, a bridge or a plane. At least  want to get across and I'm making the effort to keep in contact even when it seems as if he is not saying so much. He stands there anyway, which is a sure sign there is something worthwhile between us. It hurts though. It hurts that he can be so easily distracted away. He has his wife there in the background. I felt jealous that he had brought her to Petersfield and it was even worse that he didn't tell me directly and only became apparent as I asked probing questions. The hurt and the sadness mixed seemed to attenuate as the jealousy took over. It's so much easier to be in some variation of anger. And therefore since yesterday I have been angry. There is a degree of augmenting the anger with S, my colleague. We pick out the negatives in the interactions. I can see with me that some of it is trying to get an assurance that S's playfulness with her and accordance is actually only a placatory thing and not genuine. I am scared of her switching sides. Fear! fear of? Fear of being left alone with my dislike and disapproval. That on my own I will be wrong. There's probably more underlying that. I'm afraid.
But the anger - hmmm. I'm angry with ? I just feel angry. It's like a childish anger that feels free floating and I don't knw what has caused it or where to put it so it keeps landing on every little thing that irritates me. It could be hormonal having had hot flushes a couple of weeks ago and fluttery tummy days last week. Then pain on Sunday night. lus I'm tired. I'm not going to bed early.
On the other hand there are situations that I feel angry about. I feel angry that my employers do not give us the bank holiday that the nation has been given to honour the Queens Diamond jubilee. In reality I am not a royalist although have enjoyed watching some of the pomp and ceremony. I do feel a sense of pride and honour when I see all the royal family and glitz. The Queen is remarkable really. The "pop" concert was actually diabolical in terms of intellectual creativity for me. But I did bop along to one or two of the performers. I really admire the strength of Tom Jones voice and the stardom Kylie Minogue created with her catchy numbers and sexy styles. I noticed that she was alot more subdued in her performance. I cringed at the comedian hosts. I watched it until the end despite being only partially entertained.
And as I said this to S this monring she pointed out that several times I had talked about doing things to numb out. At one point I had said "fuck-it!" and was thinking about buying sugar products. Whilst with A there were various sugar products about and I wanted to help myself. I was afraid though knowing that it wouldn't stop.
What am I angry about that I am feeling a need to suppress it?
I'm angry at not having enough money to be able to afford luxuries like a washing machine. I am angry that my employers do not invest in us at all - training, pay increases, bank holidays, and it feels like injustice so I feel helpless. I feel angry with L's ways of getting at me all the time. It's probably not intentional but little comments seem indirectly derogatory and undermining often. She has a way of being underhand. It's boring in a way. I'm angry that I enter into the negativity with S. I'm angry at the distance between my dad and I. I'm angry that he still doesn't give me THE priority and that goes way, way back. I'm angry that my mum is dead. I'm angry that S seems to challenge rather than purely hear me - I need to learn the technique of what it is I want as I think I antogonise people in my working practice in a similar way. It's good learning. I'm angry that my knowledge and anger is being insulted. I'm angry because I'm tired. I'm angry because I have so little time for me every evening and yet I sit chatting for ages and that's time for me. I wonder if A would like to go for a late walk?
I'm angry with myself - for the behaviours that have contributed to the chasm between my dad and I. But I can also be gentle with mysef and remember that I have been unwell for many years. I'm angry that he was the way he was - a bully, unkind at times, rude to my mum, a liar. I am very angry at his lies. His devious lies and his nonsense lies. Oh yes I'm truly angry about that.
I'm angry at being angry.
The thing is I need to let this anger out appropriately. The more I attempt to suppress it, the more opportunity it has to fester and amass into rage. And then rage and fury become destructive. That's what I need to contain. I recognise that S. I agree with you and felt irritated that you pointed it out when I know it anyway. Keep an open mind Bliss. She was pointing out what I wasn't stating.
The need to numb has been a need to contain the raging behaviours I think and also some laziness. Oh yes I'm angry that I'm not studying but truly enjoying not studying. I'm angry for not being better trained and qualified and yet again skating aling trying not to be noticed for being underskilled.
So writing is a tool that can help me express my anger appropriately. It's anger at different levels. I know the desire to rebel is a degree of anger that would suggest it's on the upward tilt.

well as I'm at work I'm going to end this post.
I think some people will think badly of anger. I do not. I embrace it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. Anger is useful and a parallel feeelng with fear. Both are necessary. However, with anger is a destructive force of energy. Necessary on an evolutionary scale. Anger drives the courage to be fearce in the face of danger. Fear provides the adrenalin to run if necessary.
So here is all this anger that has never been directed. I was only ever taught how to numb it out. And I haev a lot. When anger is punctured with trauma and abuse including spiritual abuse such as never being regarded or respected, then it can become explosive. And explosive is very dangerous even murderous - inwardly or outwardly.
So it's good to acknowledge the anger and gy writing and talking I am identifying lots of things that I'm feeling angry about. IN this way I can contain the degree to which it escalates and then it's also easier to monitor the behavioural reactions or atitude.
Thank you God.
Bliss
X

Thought crime

Interesting. I have a dilemma and discussing it through with my stand in FA sponsor something else entirely different came up for consideration. It comes back to a fine line again. Discernment or complete honesty.
You see the situation is that I travelled to Southampton yesterday having been invited because I had raised the idea that I might like to find a position in another P hospital. The manager mentioned this possible position and hence the day visit was arranged. I really was not interested, thinking that the journey was too long and also remembering how much I disliked being there when I was training and on placement there. It was a miserable experience.
Whilst travelling I made a call to an FA fellow. She used to be a head hunter and when I said I was feeling naughty just going for a day trip to be out of the office and the constant differences there (despite having found a way of managing myself within that so that I'm not constantly in conflict). This FA'er very gently raised the question about not saying to the S'ton people that it's not a viable journey. I suddenly realised that I hadn't prepared myself at all for this informal day. I would still be representing myself and as Ambassador for me I needed to think about how to present myself.
It probably showed that I hadn't thought through things enough. When K asked if I specialise, I missed the point and tried to flaff around an integrative approach to therapy. What she meant was whether there were addictions that I specialise in. I listed a few and realised that I hadn't spent enough time at all thinking abut who I am and what I do well. I also regret speaking too much about the recent difficulties but was very careful to express how it was achievement working through my sensitivity to changes and finding ways to maintain my desire to be flexible and adaptable and friendly and pleasant. I explained that the new working philosophy wasn't quite what I wanted.
K FA'er helped me identify the things that sound important to me. The working environment and atmosphere is definitely important after what has just been going on. Also the model of working is important. As you may realise I have come away actually quite enthused by the proposition of working there. My difficulty is the increased journey. I would really want to be reducing my travelling time not increasing it. Not to mention the increased costs.
I am concerned about M. She is truly burnt out and there would just be the two of us. Both as therapists reporting to K. She has been managing the department on her own for a year and a half. She has a lot of resentments and dislikes. I am not sure how she can overcome that. She seems very unhappy generally and realises that she actually has been quite unwell. She said she had lost herself spiritually several times. I wanted to ask how she thinks she needs to heal. I think she will need time and a lot of input into herself. She clearly has a tendency to over work but at a dear cost to herself.
K seemed positive and said there is investment in the hospital and therefore investment in the department. She seemed flexible, thinking outside of the box to accommodate. She wants to prepare a department structure and then launch it as a product both internally and externally. It certainly needs developing and getting internal customers on side.
Now the thing is that I have the dilemma of trundling along as things are in my current position. So long as I stay aware then I don't enter into my wanting to control and I can accept L's need for total control. It's not ideal and very stifling of being myself and developing trust in myself. However, it's pretty easy really. It's busier in some senses as there is no room for sessionals etc. At the same time L takes on more and more and is totally responsible. I keep handing over every decision to her mainly because she wants that and also because she is so inconsistent in my opinion. Then she takes it on her as her job to do. It surprises me but now I know that I just keep giving it to her to decide whether she delegates it or not. Her desk is a mess so I never really know what's going on. I send messages by email as a follow up because I've learnt that it's left as a very loose accusation when messages aren't remembered or followed through.
She is taking on all the ward rounds apart from the people that she doesn't like. I watch her slap and bully people about and then is super duper nice to them afterwards. Very crazy-making. People, I, don't know if I'm in or out of favour. It changes from moment to moment. But she swans around humming and perfectly OK with herself. That's great! But I do wonder if she realises the impact she has. It's not position to say. I can merely observe and reflect on the impact on me.
I do like some of her ideas and am learning although I would put my slant on things.

So then there is M. She will find it difficult to handover any PR. She will need time to feel well in herself. She will be holding the resentments and that will certainly impact newness. It would be interesting to observe myself with her. She seemed a lovely lady but there was a sense of persecution about her. Although I also hear how much she has been fighting with the powers that be to get things changed. I saw in her a reflection of me whinging. She had genuine cause to be dissatisfied and worn out. I have had too but I so wanted not to sound as if I was whinging. I think I entered into it a tad.

Now the things that has come out of discussing all of the dilemma and the package that I think I would want to take the job on ... I'll come back to that, was the knowledge that when P's got his business up and running I would be leaving anyway. He reckons now we'll be looking at December. Of course that is subject to everything running smoothly. He says that as things develop he could easily take on a sessional and then be ready to take me on full time down the line. He says it's a guarantee and sees us doing that for the next 10 years. I certainly would want to work for P and I think within that there would be room for me to do some private work. I would hope so. And of course my studying. I know there is actually no guarantee but for the time being I would be taking this job with knowledge that I plan to leave in say 7 or 8 months time. That will be long dark drives as well I realise. Summer may not seem so bad. Anyway!
S, FA'er, asked if I would be comfortable with that dishonesty. I was immediately defensive and angry saying that it would be foolish to reveal such a thought to a corporation whom I want to stay employed with for the time being. And then this raised in me another fine line... as she said it reminded her of the Thought crime in Orwell's book 1984. I hadn't remembered it specifically but realised the influence of that on the film Minority Report. An interesting story that really took this one point and expanded upon it. I like it when I see connections like this. The beauty of being well read or versed in books and films and I'm not. They are great ways to explain something too.
So here I am with thought crime. of course no one is going to see through special psychological windows exactly what my thought crime is but it will be there and certainly I believe that thoughts influence behaviours. There would be a secret you see. And of course I felt really terrible that I hadn't said to S that I was going to S'ton on Friday. She found out through L. Admittedly she has been away whilst it's all be taking place but I was avoiding saying anything on Wednesday for selfish reasons. I don't want her to suddenly up and leave. How mistrusting am I? God please help me with this.
So anyway I would really like the challenge of this position. I think there is a lot to develop but I don't want the responsibility of that, however I would like to be a part of it.
I would like an increase in salary fixed to work Monday to Thursday but on a Tuesday working 09:00 until 20:00 and then I can Aftercare and still have two of us in. I would hope that they would have a sessional for the Friday but also we could develop the programme so that Friday was perhaps a busier morning and a light afternoon.
I think on top of my salary increase I'd like some petrol expenses say £2000 per year. It's not enough but it would be something. I probably should work that out more exactly before I under sell myself.
I would also like to secure the 12 days study leave I already have - 1 day per month.
That would seem like a good package to me. Although of course the salary is never good enough. We are grossly under paid. But it would be a lovely environment in terms of the grounds. Hopefully having support M could regain hers sense of self and spirit that she feels she has lost and together we could develop the department with K heading it up. There is the close competition of course and a lot of bad feeling about that.
It would be interesting to know what the consultants are looking for from the department as there seems to be a big difference. Something that I believe has been worked on and is ongoing. I know L is making sure she has a lot of contact with them.
It could be quite exciting.
But what about this discernment? Isn't it stupid to say that I would be planning to move on if this other venture comes to fruition. Of course anything can and will happen between now and then. At the same time to not be honest and open about such things does leave me with some discomfort. And would undoubtedly seep out in some way if not feeling disloyal as with S and the visit to S'ton.
It's interesting. Another gap of finding balance.
I'm off to meet with my father now. There is a degree of anxiety I can feel. I've changed my top as I felt too exposed. Interesting. And I've worn clothes along similar lines of how I think ML would dress. He had so much high regard for ML. Always he seemed to like others more than me. Later on though he would have found their faults and slapped them down behind their back but drop them without warning. Not dissimilar to the bullying tactics at work.
Right I must go otherwise I'll be late.
More to write later on.
Bliss
XX

Wearing the warring

Thank goodness for lieu time. Yesterday was a whole day off and unwinding was taking place. The wearing down that goes on in the place of work at this time is literally draining of energy. It's horrible. A shouting match between LK and AW, chaos and mismanagement. It's exhausting. And inconsistency is wearing too. I never really know what the procedures are and I just think OH OK that's the track she's taking with this particular issue. So I start to follow that track and suddenly it's as if she's tricked me into thinking that's the route to follow and she now literally does a complete turnaround. As a consequence I look incompetent and she comes out all smelling of roses. It's crazy making.
So to get out of the office is just heaven. Thank you God for that extra day.
BUT my heart wasn't in to finding a job, as in any old job. I've got this feeling of working for someone that provides a sense of free flowing. Someone who respects me although expects a good job to be done. Someone who is tolerant of my way including my imperfections, but that sort of thing can all be out in the open. Being out in the open seems appealing too but not all the time, the freedom to have both. And the freedom to take a bit of personal time in the knowledge that all the work will be done and free time not taken advantage of. I liked the idea of my clients work. A farm, someone to be the face of the business, so developing and maintaining contacts, without me having to be the main name. Some office work, some outside, some travelling about, some quiet, some people involved. And there;s a house along with the job. No travelling to work, it's right there on the spot. And reasonable reimbursement for costs, respectful salary and perks like free time. Yes it all sounds on the surface of it just what I'd like. It's this sense of freedom, trust to be free roaming. Time to work and time for me.
Anyway as I looked at websites I realised that nothing there seemed to offer this. Furthermore, saying to a recruitment agent that I want something that feels light and free, well I'm sure they are completely baffled by that.
So I did get to the housing support people. She was very gentle and listened to me. She gave me a form to fill in that may mean my points are raised with a  view to getting accommodation closer to the B's. Is that what I want? I think it's what I want. I like this little village but I don't like being so far away from everyone. Everyone who or far away from what I don't really know. It just has never actually felt right here.
Something I had a glimpse of actually feeling rather than intellectualising is the knowledge that I am not trapped at work or home. I'm simply waiting for the next right thing to reveal itself. I didn't know I was waiting regarding work over the last 3 years. I was enjoying what I had even though I had moans and groans. Things can always be improved even when they're good. But now the situation is awful for me, I'm waiting for something else to manifest. I did do some things productively, like starting the resume for the Natural Health Centre, Kingston. And the meeting with the housing lady. I booked a hair cut for today, I spoke with my tutor, I relaxed, I bought some supplements that might help the pains in my side - i.e. colon cleansing, magnesium and lecithin which allegedly can help breakdown the gall stones. I forgot to take the colon cleansing tablets at bedtime. But just the first dose of magnesium and lecithin and I did feel things moving about as I sat listening during the AA meeting last evening. And what a lovely, interesting share. C is one of those people that I sense an avoidance of people. An anger I detect. And yet she is someone I'd like to get to like me. There's that addict/avoidant dynamic I think. It became clearer only when she said that she finds being with people difficult. And I could sense a detached approach. It's not dissimilar to that of a friend of mine. Oddly enough AM who says she's avoidant seems so much more an addict who is controlling that through detachment. There seems to be a difference slightly. There are similarities but different. There are similarities between addict and avoidant too - the end result is a lack of intimacy.
Anyway I did listen with interest and wanted to know more. She told things in such a way that there was enough detail to be really personal. I am far too general to keep people out!
To something quite amazing this morning. I received a call from an FA lady who ha recently become aware of her own abuse from the past. I feel very sad that this has happened to her. It is simply awful that this has happened. And I can relate to that awfulness. The amazing thing is tough that she spoke with me. Me who has been insensitive to people and on a trail of self and hedonism. She spoke to me and was quite open to the extent of her own awareness at this point. But even more amazing is the fact that just recently I have heard myself self slipping into self doubt. And yet I spoke about things, very matter of factly in away for self protection, and also said things I've never actually said before, repeating words that were said at the time. Yuch! But also not re-traumatising, simply the way it was. I was steady in what I was saying and it all made it solid again. I spoke about the time in my therapy session when I first verbalised the need to stay absolutely still and not even breathe as even that movement felt unsafe. I can't remember what had been spoken about, that's almost immaterial. Because I expressed to SC that I wanted to stay absolutely still and quiet. I only felt safe if I did that, as if the slightest movement of sound was risky for me. He asked me when I've felt that before. I didn't think I had. Until at home I was pondering his question. I recall absolutely sitting at my desk looking out over the hill and suddenly I went into breathing spasms as I remember needed to lie absolutely still in bed with my dad. He would be cuddling me from behind and I would lie really, really still because he was rubbing himself against me. I knew something was wrong but at that time about 7 or 8 I didn't know what. Mum was downstairs making tea. I don't know if it happened once or more times but lying absolutely still was essential. And I used to do that in y own bed too. The crack in the open door was a problem for me but I couldn't get out of bed because if I moved or put my foot on the floor to close the door something terrible would happen. And also the door being closed meant that I couldn't hear my mum and she couldn't hear me. I'm holding my breath as I'm typing this. There are times when I think "well all kids have scary feelings in their bedroom". I hear kids talk about being scared of what's under the bed and it's probably something to do with the kids stories that are told and re-told. Bogeymen and the such like, which actually are frighteners that can be long lasting and devastating. Such weird ways we adults have of trying to keep order about the place.
I talked about the time my mum was in Australia and my dad touched my body. I was about 13 years old and just starting to develop breasts. He took advantage when I said that his tickles made a reaction in my bottom. I used to think I was disgusting because of this. That I was the filth. IN fact he was and should never ever have been doing what he was doing. I was told not to tell mum. He knew it was wrong.
Yes I spoke about and have now written too about these things for the first time, in the way that they happened. The memory as if watching from above. I was out of body watching my dad fiddling with me. I hate that word fiddling because my dad would use it. And then there's the tongue thing. I cannot really describe this thing he did with his tongue and his snorting. It was disgusting and then Graham Whelan did that too. I write his name in full so that if ever there is anyone trying to search for him because of him doing awful things to them there might be a tie up. I hope he cannot trace me through this though. That would be very terrifying.
And as I was speaking with this lady I knew that I feel fragile, that I will need to be gentle with myself. I explained the need to wrap up in my bigly hugly snuggle jumper and blanket. And writing has helped. So now I can go forth for a walk with LL knowing that I am OK but to be gentle.
What a gift this phone call. How amazing FA is. I thank B for supporting me in things that  wouldn't normally be doing, such as developing the relationship between myself and my dad. He's becoming simply my dad. That's the way he is. I don't like a lot about him. But he's still my dad and that's that forever.

I knew there was something I wanted to also write about in connection with FA. It was always my intention to find the courage to detach from my dad all together. But various tings kept me from doing this. These are not in any particular order of importance or salience. He is my dad and there is a lot of me that loves some of him. I want that family connection with him. I have been afraid that I've lied about the abuse even though I know that I haven't been lying. He's not all bad. I want to have access to an inheritance. I am afraid of making a mistake.
So all along it's been the wrong thing to do and thankfully my fear has stopped me from disconnecting entirely. However, my fury has actually increased the divide and for that I feel remorse. I didn;t know any other way though and thankfully with therapy to help me with that rage and resentment I've been able to then go along a diffrent path with the suggestions from B. Her suggestion to increase contact and make regular calls infuriated me. At first I wanted to scream and spit at her, saying are you not acknowledging what he did to me. I didn't say that exactly. The belief of the truth has been so tentative, there are times when I can only believe it if I seem to have convinced others of the horrors. It's not possible for me to realise that it was bad enough without others have to be the truth. That applies to many things. The situation at work, I didn't realise that it was a form of bullying and crazy-making behaviour. I thought I was in te wrong and it's only become OK to think it's wrong for me knowing that others feel the same way. It's similar with Graham Whelan. it was only when I told of the events and saw others reactions that I realised that it was bad behaviour on his part not and I wasn't the bad person. And the same with my dad. Sometimes I thought I had to embellish the events so that they were bad enough for people to react. But then I didn't believe them or me and it simply added to the disbelief within me about what I had experienced. So convoluted and complex.
Anyhow, this morning, being honest, not exaggerating and being more explicit, helped me. And the person saying that it's always surprising that FA seems to go in completely the opposite direction of what Iw ould have thought needed to happen, this made me realise that I've done the opposite of what I was intending to do and it's so much better for me. Incroyable!

And on another FA note - I am now having grains or potatoes with my lunch - 4 ounces. The first couple of days I felt like I had too much food. It was difficult to trudge through it. I didn't have the same problem yesterday I noticed. So my body is adjusting really quickly. I am scared that by having this extra food, I'll start increasing weight and size. However as has been developing, I am trusting the process. I felt that my tummy rounded out the first couple of days. Coupled with an difficulty to properly open my bowels, which apparently is the polite and professional way in which to talk about going for a poo. :), I felt bloated, full up and rounded. It was a worry. I mentioned it to B with the knowledge that I am sticking with it regardless. She said I can have potatoes instead of rice but I am scared of that too. Today I will have my first baked potato. Just 4 ounces so it won't be a whole potato. I'm looking forward to it and imagining the taste. I am concerned that this might be a "relationship" with a food type, so I'm going to linit the potatoes to once a week, just at the weekends when home. Then I can have them warm instead of cold - cold new Jersey pots are delicious but today I feel loike warm food. It is probably something to do with the everlasting dampness. Although yesterday afternoon brightened, no rain and some blue skies with fluffy white clouds. So my meals look like this now: Oh I reached my target weight - I discovered this on Tuesday when I had weighed myself early by accident. I'm now under 9 stone, around 8st 9lbs.

Breakfast
1 oz oats
8 oz natural fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit

Lunch
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
6 oz salad
4 oz rice/potato (want to know if I can eat quinoa)
1 tbsp dressing

Dinner
4 oz protein
6 oz 1 cooked vegetable
8 oz salad
2 tbsp dressing

I have established that it's a suggestion not to eat avocado or sweet potatoe. I can eat tinned tuna in brine but bloody hell it's so so expensive now. That used to be a cheap meal. Not now!
As for wating an Indian style meal B suggests not to. I think it might be different if I have a meal at home. But there is the difficulty of ensuring it's not cooked with any flour or sugar. I can understand that I'm looking to introduce more tastes and variety and it's a part of the simplicity has been the dumbing down of the tastes and I don't mean that in a negative sense. Simplifying the tastes t be natural tastes, not even salt although pepper is allowed. I might try adding some pepper as I haven't actually bothered. But then I rarely bothered with salt and pepper before this. I would cook with herbs and spices but not add for taste at the actually eating point.
It's interesting that I've been thinking of adding things into my menu's when actually it's about coninuing with the simplicity, well that's not all of it but contributes to keeping things stabilised.
Off to walk. Then back to studying. Haircut at 12 midday. Hopefully I've got a higher pay through the extra work I've been doing. I so need it. I spent about £100 just yesterday on some sprays and things to kill the clothes moths which continue to infest, some health supplements, birthday cards and and a blouse plus 2 charity shop articles - a skirt and a shirt. Yes it would be maybe even over £100. Flipping heck, my money does not go anywhere these days. Everything is so expensive. It won't come down in price and my salary won't be catching up ever if I'm with the P Group. It's unreasonable salary now. That's what they pay but I think I'm grossly underpaid. Not to mention their lack of staff welfare and deelopment. It's not a good company to work for in terms of self. It's a nice environment i.e. the grounds. But adding to the lack of company-level care is the horrid Team Leader situation, plus a lack of constructive management and ability. I wonder if PS will be any better equipped at hearing me without judging and damning and be able to manage the situation effectively. NL and LK are in cahoots and noone will be seeing that. He needed an ally so desperately, so has she and they were a prefectly matched jagged edge. It's amazing how jagged edges come together and seem to fit so perfectly until things shift and then the points start to clash and destroy each other. It's just staying out of the cross-fire of that although it seems that all the carnage is occurring right now as they are so tightly enmeshed. It would be different if the jagged edges are clashing.

 Knifes' Edge by Kasia Polkowska (Stained glass mosaic on wood) http://kiplandscapes.blogspot.co.uk/

As always I'd like to possess this piece of work because it's meaningful for me right at this moment. I often have that- a piece of work seems to get right inside me and I want it. I've seen so many art works that I want to steal and possess. So many that I've forgotten adn that's a part of it. When something has struck me so deeply and then to forget it is like losing a bit of me that I just found. It's so awful for that to come with such passion and then fade into forgetfulness. If I could just keep the art then I'll never forget you see.

In the meantime God if you've got any thoughts on this free flowing job that could be out there, I'd be interested to know what it is. Work that helps my heart to sing and my spirit to be free please. I trust it's possible and will become apparent. In the meantime I'll keep showing up knowing that actually my spirit is free and no person can take that from me however difficult they make things.
LL wants a walk - she keeps tipping over my laptop.
Gotta go.
Bliss
XX

ps I will edit this later with some of what I can remember from the AA story. Just so that there's more personality than fact.

C's story - when really I should be studying but I'm leaving in about 20 minutes to get my haircut. Yipppppeeeee!
I can't remember the order of her story. I know told about her past and drinking as a secondary it really. I felt angry with her husband as she talked about him. A womaniser but then he left her because of her drinking. It struck me how this man was so lacking in being enough for her. Yes her drinking was probably terrible and by the sounds of it she wasn't available to either him nor their son, as her son left the family home not long after her husband. But he worked with the airlines and womanised. His own behaviour was also not above board and he took the cowards way out. Not standing by her but following his own needs. I am in now way letting her off the hook. I'm sure her fury at her husband was a vitiolic when she had been drinking as she said it was. And then her craziness when his womanising was with a woman in their village. A place she had lived for 3 decades. She upped sticks and moved the family to a remote cottage. But when she described the lifestyle, animals and land. She gave up work and concentrated on looking after the animals b ut it was at this time she met a lady, who she befriended, and it sounded as if this lady showed C how to drink as an alcoholic. Then she became difficult to be with. She completely owned this. So her lack of self esteem and trust would have beceome quite another thing with alcohol fuelling it. No control. Yes I can imagine her expelling her anger and hurt. I think I sense that anger though as something deeper, as there is the tendency to be detached from feelings and people. Of course people bring emotional responses. I lvoed that she talked about feelings and not really knowing what they are all the time. She found a list of over 200 words to describe feelings. Actually this was the first part of her share, when she was saying that she feels a bit out of sorts. I got the impression she's been in recovery a similar time to myself. I wanted to share and forgot to share that there are times when I'm so in the depths of things that I cannot determine the different levels of emotions that are going on. And I'm the sort of person who wants to know exactly otherewise I feel out of control. And that's where I need to hand everything over to the care of God. This wasn't what my share ended up being about.
She talked also about being grouchy with a neighbour just that day or day the before, I'm not sure. And how in her reflection of herself she realised that this was a sign of her restelessness, irritability, discontent. When those feelings are identifiable there's a need to really turn to God and recovery tools - i.e. meetings, calling out, sharing, reading and so on. I cannot afford those feelings. But first of all I have become aware of them. Generally I then spend time agonising about all the things that it could possibly be, trying to get it all worked out. This can mean that it gets worse of course because I decide to do things that are motivated by the feelings. It's so crucial to share and be vulnerable. My thinking then is that people will start telling me what to do and fix me instead of simply hearing me. They may also tell me to do things I don't want to be told to do. There's such a fine line with this sort of support and yet there is this pride and ambivalence in me. I often find myself wondering what is this that has been triggered in me. So far I don't recall anyone sharing back on the topic that has his a chord with me. It's something quite big insie of me - someone says black I immediately want white. It's some kind of defense gainst being taken over. I wonder if this is codependency with my mum. My own desires being overruled all the time. I do feel as if something inside of me wasn't nurtured - creativity and a feeling of freedom. Overruled! I think this is a part of it. It doesn't seem to quite answer the enormity of my reaction. Something to give to consideration in quiet time - which I'm not really sitting in. I keep doing other stuff.
Hmm not much about C and her story. But some main things I can recall. I liked her despite my feeling of wanting to be acknoiwledged and accepted and suddenly befriended by her. She is aloof and that makes me want her more. So remins me of my friend - not in looks etc but in attitude and behaviour. I wonder if she knows of this dynamic from me?

Right off to have a haircut. I never realised that something I used to ahte could be something I am so looking forward to. Not the sitting etc and environment but the act of having my haircut. Lovely

Bx