Hunch trusts

Trust in my instincts, that's good for me to keep experiencing. However, it is often when I verbalise things that it starts to become apparent that I have instincts in the first place.
Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body.  I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!

Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am

Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.

Complicated people.

Bliss
XX

ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!

I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.

Down at mouth city scapes and people

Writing as a tool.
This past week I've woken up most mornings feeling pretty flat an that's been mainly fuelled by sadness. I miss the contact with G and when I think of him, I think of his sad demeanour and that at times we had really fun and happy times. There was a problem though in that being the norm. That was the exception. I have to keep reminding myself as otherwise I have those "gaps" when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'm just sitting with me ad guess what? I don't  sit in that spot too easily very often. I haven't taken quiet time for an age now. I find all sorts of reasons as to why not.
And then L. Well having sent him the message as follows:

"Good morning L.

For some unaccountable reason this week feels as if it's going by so slowly. It's only Thursday. I only work 4 days a week at the moment and it still feels too many.

Oh good news and quite a shock, I got a first in both of my last 2 assignments. I certainly didn't expect that! That probably means very little but to me it's amazing. I do everything at the last minute and I give very little time to my studying really. I could be quite clever I reckon if I applied myself. That's what my teachers used to say in so many words. I was never really disciplined at school or at home with this sort of thing. And yet expectations were high. Strange combination really.

I wanted to say something quite serious now ..... are you sitting.

Ha ha - for me it feels intense and then I think what the hell am I talking about how can this be so intense???

Fumble fumble for words to say things that are then actually very revealing about me the person.

As you will probably know by now I am interested in sex. I like to play, I like to enjoy sex. HOWEVER (there's always a but huh?). It's not enough for me to just be sexual.

Now here's the weird bit okay. I am very very aware that you're there and I'm here but to me this sex play is just a prelude to getting to know you. Despite the distance and plastic between me and you there's just a little wonder in me as to whether you are someone I would like to know and have time with. It's impossible so goodness knows how or why I should even entertain the idea.

And so then why on earth would I be entering into all this sexual play. When actually I don't want to do that with anyone other than a person I am in a relationship with.

I enjoy what we've been doing. It's a lot of fun. I like your adventurous spirit and I like being pushed as actually I am very shy especially with sex and yet not really - what a combination!!

It's not enough though really. Without all the other levels of intimacy even with adventuring it becomes simply sex.

This I guess is where men and women are so so different. I can play and adventure but I also like discussion and experiencing other things and so on.

It's impossible for you and I to do that together.

I was going to write that if you were here or I there or just together and going out and talking and stuff from time to time and then getting home and then making love with gusto and adventure - that's great!!

But as days have gone on I just wonder what I'm doing. Coz the other problem is that I am loyal to you despite the distance, the plastic and the not really knowing you at all.

So then I am investing myself in distance, plastic and cyber sex which is only partially fulfilling a sexual desire.

Intensity over.......

No doubt I'll get horny again. But oddly if I don't entertain that it doesn't become a longing and passes quickly.

Anyway I'm going off to work now. Boo hoo. I love it when I'm there it just seems too much this week. Why does that happen?

Well of the real content of this email.

I'd be interested in your thoughts. I enjoy the liaisons with you but ....

I would like to continue being "penfriends/telephone friends" but I'm not quite sure on what basis - I know I don't want it to be on a sexual basis.

Better than running off to consider what the fuck I am doing here. I thought I'd just be honest with my thoughts. "

 

So he replied saying he understood and he would telephone me over the weekend. Well he hasn't so far. He has respected my sexlessness though but also barely been in contact, unless I've initiated a chitty chatty nonsense text. I have stopped as of last night. I was demeaning myself and thinking it just confuses the issue. He is not someone I know to be chit chatting about my day to day experiences. An that's all I want really. Someone to just share the days and experiences with. Otherwise I have these experiences and ..... and what? They are experiences for myself not because of others. Sometimes I do wonder if I have them to show off. And sometimes as I'm say walking around a gallery learning and viewing I start questioning why bother with all this life experience when I'm going to die and the "knowledge" dies with me. What's the point?

For example I'm doing all this studying and may achieve my degree eventually. So what? I die soon. What benefit will it all have had?

I've had a few more heart flutters. The worst was on when? Thursday I think. P was in group and one started. Whereas usually it is a brief moment. This one went on beyond the brief and I didn't worry as I thought it was a slightly extended brief moment. But it continued. I was starting to consider getting some help. My first port of call was to go and get P. I didn't though as he was in group and I wouldn't want to disturb that process. Anyway it passed. I've noticed a few sensations since but actually not as strong and fleeting. I've mentioned it to AB and she wants me to phone A&E if it reoccurs but I don;t think it's serious enough for that. I'm moderately perturbed at this stage.

AB is drinking a lot. And bloody hell I'm feeling so irritated by her. I feel her trying to control all the time. She is over thinking everything and worrying about everything. And as a result she is infuriating. She is over intellectualising as well. She is rude. I keep entering into the affray with her and then realise I'm getting fraught and short with her and so step back out again. She is SO controlling. The thing is I can then see myself controlling to match and survive. It is so annoying that she will not do anything about her drinking. And actually it's annoying as GB won't do anything about hers either. She and AB then enable each other. GB drinks just as much but isn't the same in her manner with it. The family is riddled with codependency. I couldn't live there and understand why RB gets away so much. It's into the arms of D thought and there is something about him that is not trustworthy. I can't put my finger on it. He wants to rescue the world but has this sort of arrogance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he wasn't still drinking in secret.

Anyway with AB I know my feeling swill pass when she reduces her drinking again - goodness knows what's triggering this bout of nastiness. Menopause I wouldn't wonder and fear of the future.

Yesterday going to London was lovely. I qualified at the FA meeting and it was a real uplifting thing to do. 90 days again yesterday. Hoping that I do not have to go back to day 1. The return to day 1 can be over silly little things. I talks about the relapse because of fear. Fear of saying what I needed and ending up eating food that wasn't enough and so ate bread as it was on the plate. It was like eating razor blades with every mouthful, knowing it was relapse. And then of course thinking well I've done that I might as well ... I didn't thankfully. I managed to sit but wasn't really that attentive. And then I did eat my evening meal as usual. Thank goodness I had prepared it all.

K looks great and S is blooming with her pregnancy despite being so unwell with Lymes. What a worry for the unborn baby too. Yet she looks serene and getting on with whatever is ahead of her with projecting too much. I wonder though if she is just covering up and yet knowing that with all my emotions and situations I really am okay overall. And I know it's all just feelings and even with projections about the possibility of the business not working and me being out of a job I am not agonising. Not like last year when I was desperate to get away from the situation with LK but didn't know what I'd do for work. I thought I'd do anything until I actually started looking and felt the life drain from me when considering office work. What would I do other than this? I love being able to work with people.

I I could see 11 people per week at £50 per session equals £550 would be about £28k per year. Hmm less tax. Not so much really but more than a lot of people. The problem is getting 11 people consistently. People are not consistent and then where do the referrals come from which is the exact same problem we have now.

And where the hell do I get a room cheaply enough. You see the costs haven't even been deducted from that. I can see myself doing that eventually though if this doesn't work out.

Oh I start my modelling career this week.

Lowry at Tate Britain.

 

Interesting. I really liked one of his paintings on the beach. It was a rare different setting from industrialised cities. It was different colour scheme as well. Most of his paintings were white skies and white ground. Lots of browns, greys and olive greens. And uplifted by red clothing on the matchstick men and dogs.

"I saw the industrial scene and I was affected by it. I tried to paint it all the time. I tried to paint the industrial scene as best I could. It wasn’t easy."

GB asked if I had a bundle of money whether I would buy a Lowry for the aesthetics. I'd buy one for the collection.But for aesthetics. Probably not, maybe the beach. They are depictive of the industrial city of Manchester. I hadn't realised that the scenes were not real but a cobbled collection of places. Like collages really. And apparently the people were really images of himself in a general way. Everyone looks busy, heads down and leaning forward. Unhappiness. That's what I generally got from them. It was an interesting viewing from the point of seeing his skill in perspective and being quite unique.

Influenced by the French impressionists with his colours apparently and taught by Valette and others. I see and influence of Pissaro, whom I like very much actually. His use of night lights especially.

 

And most were painted as if out of a window from a top floor. How could he have got those views. Did he just take away the memory and a sketch. Now AB says he was quite a strange man and had painted some sexual life's with a theme of bondage in some. It's a pit the curator hadn't given the fuller story of him. Curators probably play safe huh? How snobby the art world is but how limiting. I'd like to have a fuller picture of the artists. It's then coming to life more.

 

 

Published in The Guardian

 

Lowry's dark imagination comes to light

• Vanessa Thorpe, arts and media correspondent
• The Observer, Sunday 25 March 2007

Behind the familiar images of factory workers and northern industrial city scapes that have made LS Lowry one of Britain's most easily recognised and frequently reproduced painters, there is a much darker, sadder group of work rarely seen by the public. These bleak sketches and paintings include a series of disturbing and sexually deviant drawings that remained hidden until after the artist's death in 1976.Today the novelist and Lowry enthusiast Howard Jacobson is to give the annual lecture in honour of the painter at the Lowry Centre. He will argue that ignoring the bleak side of the artist's imagination has led to him being under-rated and misunderstood by many art critics. Jacobson is to call for Lowry's fetishistic, private drawings to be more widely shown.'I don't feel we are prying. I don't think there is anything prurient about it. In fact, by avoiding looking at this work we are just shielding Lowry from imagined disapproval. It is pathetic,' said Jacobson.He will suggest the public do not yet appreciate the complexity of Lowry's work, partly because they see such a limited selection. For Jacobson, the secret drawings of women in outlandish outfits and strange bondage positions are just part of his melancholy and tortured view of the world.'I am not somebody who thinks we have a right to know about everything in an artist's life. There is a line, of course. But when it comes to the work itself, then it is not like that,' said Jacobson.'It shows what a serious modernist Lowry really was,' said Jacobson. 'If he was French, after all, there would be no fuss. In fact, people would probably expect him to have made work like this.'Many of the erotic sketches show single female figures in bizarre and restrictive costumes and they commonly have either a hinted or an explicitly violent content.Jacobson's call has prompted the Lowry estate to reveal this weekend that one of the erotic sketches held at the Lowry Centre, will be loaned to the Netherlands for an exhibition this autumn. The sketch is to be sent out along with three other more conventional works by Lowry.'We would always consider a request to show these works,' said a spokesman. 'It is always simply a question of context and of the level of scholarship involved.'The work being loaned for the show in Ghent is reproduced above by permission of the estate. The Lowry, which was set up in 2000 to commemorate the life and work of the painter, has also responded to Jacobson's plea.A spokeswoman for the gallery said that the group of erotic works, which are sometimes referred to collectively as 'the mannequin sketches' or 'marionette works' were, in fact, available for visitors to see on request and that many of the images are also brought up into the public display area according to a rotation system.'I am always happy to show this work on request,' said the Lowry's collection adminstrator, Ruth Salisbury.The arts establishment has frequently denigrated Lowry, who worked as a tax collector, and classed his work as part of an anodyne, heritage tradition. Dubbed a 'Sunday painter', his familiar paintings of factories and 'matchstick men and women' have been dismissed by some critics as a straightforward celebration of the northern industrial experience.Jacobson sees this as a major misunderstanding. The work is a brutal consideration of the modern world and the lack of communication between people, he argues, and is reminiscent of the work of the playwrights Harold Pinter and Samuel Beckett. As a fellow Mancunian, Jacobson will suggest in his lecture that Lowry's habit of running himself down has been counter-productive. Many critics have been taking his work at face value.

(I'm always impressed at the information AB manages to store in her memory)

 

 

Some of the paintings I saw .... And there were 6 rooms so this was just a very small selection. Some of the more well known city scenese were there of course. AB informs me that the Tate has a large collection that are never shown. Why?

 

 

Just one last ting to get off my mind. As I was walking across Lambeth Bridge towards Millbank and the Tate, a man approached me. Well dressed and shaven, he tried reassuring me that he wasn't going to snatch anything or mug me but wanted £2. He explained he had lost his wallett. he had not phone having decided to leave it at home. He was supposed to be meeting friends. He said he needed £24.50 or something to get a train home. I was suspiscious and offered tog et some change. But as he was walking and he was clearly needing the money so much I just gave him a tenner. I don;t really have moeny to be able to give away to strangrs who I didn;t really believe. But it didn't matter whether I believed him or not he clearly needed it so much to ask starngers and so I had it and gave it to him. A little bit of me is hanging on to the idea that i was conned but the other part of me knows I made a choice because he clearly needed it more than me whatever his reason.

I just hope he uses it wisely and it wouldn't contribute to his downfall. Happy days for him I hope

 

 

There is an irony somewhere in there that I can't wuit connect with - the poverty depicted in Lowry's art, cities, unhappiness and this man - well dressed and that desperate for money.

 

Bliss

xx

 

 

Broken Eyes

Going to bed now. But as the jealousy subsides the anger is rising. Want him to prioritise me. Hope he doesn't call coz I don't feel civil right now. Bloody hell relationships. And this is yet another one I didn't even want. I just get too flipping excited that anyone has paid me attention. It's been like that for a long time. I would like me to be different.
The story? Well in a voice message and a text one too G announced that E had called hi "on the sauce" again wanting to be taken to Petworthless meeting as G put it. I do like his creativity. I was instantly jealous as he has an interest in her. I assume an interest means he fancies her and given the chance would have a relationship with her. She's married but after all G has no respect for that having had affairs with married women in the past including D and spends time with her husband too. He says they are mates now and he's very very fond of her. But it is is peculiar. Still let's not buy into all that querying and questing for knowledge and certainty.
So off he goes to the meeting and sends me a text gratefully received saying that he will make some nourishing beans on toast and then call. He did exactly that bu didn't talk about E. I enquired and he unravelled the story. There was the conversation that she prefers male company in AA and of course he prefers female company. Do I feel okay with him developing another friendship with another woman. I don't think it's okay and whether he's chaste or not the women will get the wrong message especially if they are drinking and for years can be needy for male attention. Look at me with G. But he will say how can I think that he would make any approaches when I know his issues with sex. However, he was forward with me and direct about his issues and that hasn't stopped him at all. Plus I think he'd like a multitude of women's places to be able to be so that when kicked out of each place he has another, anywhere but his pit. I'm now going into the realms of paranoia and fantasy. But the truth will be revealed and there is something instinctual about this. I see his insecurity and also his selfish drive. And when he doesn't get what he wants he is either moody and withdrawn or punishing by getting his needs met in other ways. Not always healthy. I am taking his inventory yes! All I can do though is take care of my jealousy and insecurity and know that whatever happens I will be okay. This is the situation and it actually cannot do anything more than stir up these unpleasant feelings. I need some time to discover if my intuitions are founded in any way.
My eyes are broken in that I see myself as fat or a distorted body image because when overweight I've been feeling okay about myself until seeing a photo. When I saw myself underweight in a photo I was quite surprised. I have broken eyes.
But I have broken eyes about that so they are possibly broken about other things. I see one thing and read a million assumptions into it. So we will see. If he now starts having a lot of text contact with E, what will I do? If she's drinking she's going to be reaching out in the needy way. If her husband is kicking her out then she is going to want people to pick up the pieces and she prefers me. Is G suddenly going to spend time being that piece picker upper. He doesn't involve me. He might be trying to involve Long S but it's half-hearted really if E turns that down. Then what? He is surrounded by drunk needy women. Interesting description and picture. Do I want a man who wants to be surrounded by drunk needy women?
He will I think have thought that is the position I am in at work. Surrounded by drunk needy men. That's how he was and will undoubtedly be basing his experience of therapists on the ones he ended up having relationships with. I despise them their dangerous unprofessionalism. I think they are unaware of the damage they cause. Please God I never ever enter into that destructive journey. There but for the grace of God go I.
Am I seeing this through broken eyes? I don't know. At least if I keep talking and writing it will become clear. I do not need to act out the inquisitiveness and anger and quest for certainty. I know it will be revealed. I went digging with JH and found what I wanted to see. I do not need to go digging in the certainty that the Universal energy will reveal what I am supposed to see. In the meantime I can enjoy what I is enjoyable and leave the unknown to be where it is.
I can carry on doing what I want and like doing. I work regardless of what G thinks. I have arrangements with my friends regardless of what G may think or do. I suspect he will take his revenge somehow because although aware of his feeling she does utilise his emotions to repay me. Or am I being paranoid about that. Is this something that I know from my dad who wasn't quite as wily or from my mum who just stopped trying to change things. I don't know. It is ingrained into a deep groove in my psyche though.
So I need to get ashed and dressed and set off to pick up GB from hospital. I'm glad to be able to be of service to her. But it is an interruption from a non starter of my studies. All this week I have not been able to read in the mornings because of work!! I let it happen?

Bliss
XX

Dacryogogue

Where did I get to.
Oh G made contact with me. By text. It was friendly. He asked if I was enjoying my new found freedom. The answer was "Nope! Miss you. Love you. Like you". He said goodie and then we discussed meeting up. I said that the terms and conditions would need to be different. He asked where he needed to sign.
We met on Saturday for a walk. He came over to me at first suggesting midday. I delayed it until 1pm because I decided to go to the hospital. Not to see my dad but to speak with the nurses. I had finally managed to speak with Dr U on Friday night but I wanted to show a presence and ask the nurses what they thought was his condition and what would happen next. They explained that he'd had the cat scan but still was eating very little. They were trying to persuade him to eat. But he was drinking more and had been sitting up earlier. I left with that news but before I did I asked them if they could tell my dad I had visited and to call me if he felt up to it later on.
Well Later on he did call. It was early evening. He was angry and didn't want me to bother the nurses anymore. He said I was to call no more than once a week. He would call me if there was anything to tell me that I should know. He didn't want me contacting Dr M. D had told him I was going to see Dr M, he didn't want that. I said that was not the case at all. He said nothing to that. I mentioned the fact that he'd had D visit him. He said nothing to that either.
I was upset and he said "you are always snivelling". It's true I do cry a lot. Isn't it okay to cry? No not for him. It never has been. He's been nothing but demeaning about his mother always crying or my mum or me. I was a little girl and he would criticise me for crying. It's always been the same. The rejection and the criticism. Always. And when I tell people that he's said these things they seem to make excuses for him, saying that it's because he's unwell. He's always frigging been like this. Putting other people before my mum or me. They would get all the niceness and glory. We would get the second citizen treatment. Why?
 I suppose I can easily take people for granted. And why do it do that?
A new person can come along and I will become totally absorbed with them forsaking those that are constant in my lie. I do that when a new man comes into my life until gradually they become the norm too. Why? Is this partly the way of things - the new is exciting and variety. But I think it can go to an extreme. I want to be more mindful to be grateful for those people in my life and show it too.
Please Universe guide me in this and remove that forsaking of those that really do matter to me. Help me to show that they matter as much as they do. Wow! I can be so selfish.
My dad is that way without realising it I am sure. And actually I can respect his wishes because I do have a programme. It fills me with sadness. I have felt melancholy now for days and days. But that's okay in the greater scheme of things. I am certain I will be okay.

So G. Well he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to lose the situation at Elstead. He is insistent that the relationship is in my imagination and that I am making assumptions. But I really am not okay with it. He says he needs time. I am not okay with it anyway. It drives me nuts. Already it's driving me crazy. I think it is so much better for us not to be living together as we were. it was never discussed he was just there permanently. And driving himself stir crazy in the process.
I said what I wanted so as not to be lost. He suggested he stays. He also thought we had had some kind of tiff. He said that I was proud and wasn't going to contact him. Too right I wasn't because it was over as far as I was concerned.
I do not want to be seeing someone who I cannot contact when he is with this woman in case it upsets her. I do not want to be with someone who is receiving texts and responding to them. I do not want to be with someone who sits in silence and deep moods without ever wanting to talk about it and who runs off to Elstead where he ca find peace and be happier. If he is happier there then he an choose that life. He cannot have me just when it suits him.
But what did I do? I agreed to him staying oer. I didn't want to be without him for the evening and night. And despite everything I said I allowed him to have sex with me. I didn't want sex but I was beguiled and hurting. I said that if we did it would be the last time. I think it will have to be. He asked me to assure hi that it wouldn't be the last time.
The thing is it gets all stupid the toing and froing that I then do. Saying one things and doing another. It makes my word meaningless. So am I going to have a time of going backwards and forwards. Not trusting him as I know he tells Mrs E untruths to stop her from being hurt,. stop her from knowing the truth so that he doesn't lose the bits he likes. I cannot trust him. If he can do that to her he can do it with me.
He wants the truth from me because he finds it difficult to trust. He's right. I can tell half stories to avoid the shame I feel and the threat of losing the person if they know and judge me. I need to put faith in the bigger picture rather than hold onto that fear within the minutiae. I can either decide to push the doubt and negativity aside and trust that the truth will be revealed to me. It's a pride thing. i do not want to be made a fool of. And a pride thing thinking she will think she has won. Furthermore how dare he think he can have both. He cannot have me. I do not want to be in a relationship that involves another woman in this way. But he can turn it so that I feel the cad. He says there is no relationship yet he enjoys her company he takes her messages and responds he takes her to meetings. It's not okay with me. He doesn't want to lose me and I am not judging him for the way things are with Mrs E. If that's what he wants then it's truly what I want him t have. But I do not want to be involved.
I have a slight doubt wondering if I am cutting my nose to spite my face. Which is what keeps me just holding on for a little bit.
He told me he has arranged to meet his friend N, nicknamed Erst as he always talks about his erstwhile missus. Anyway I know he has told Mrs E that he has arranged to meet Erst when in fact he was with me. Do I raise this? Or do I leave it. He said he'd arranged this as I had said I didn't want to see him tonight after all. I hadn't said that but sobeit that's what he understood.
PD said today that this was similar to JH. Why can't I meet uncomplicated men? I smiled. He is so right. What is the lesson to learn here. I know that one is sticking with my boundaries. I could suggest again that we remain friends as best as that can be. And in time if he becomes more available then we could see what happens. But this way he thinks he can see me have sex and carry on just as it was. I do not want to be seeing him with him lying to me. I do not want evenings where he is texting to and fro with her. I do not want sex with him whilst he is taking his time that he said he needed. I need to maintain that boundary.
I have to be honest with my sponsor tomorrow. I feel certain that she will be disappointed with me. I certainly got a little bit of a fix I suppose having had all those feelings with my dad.
Oddly enough I felt numb for a while and whilst deeply hurt also some relief. I am worried that it is simply a numbing out of the rage and depth of hurt that is as yet untapped into. I hope not though and it is actually acceptance that all these years, my entire lifetime I have been trying to please my dad and be accepted by him. But it has been useless. Whatever I've tried I cannot get anything much from him. Occasionally I've been buddies with him when I was criticising people just as he was or siding with him against my mum. How terrible it was in our household, always two siding together against the other. I hated it when my mum sided with my dad. I felt scared and very alone.
So that's a little update.
I am writing Step Four so there is a lot of self awareness arising. It's interesting. I hope I can learn and move away from some of the patterns. My neediness of men is one of them.

Good night
Bliss
XX

Oh I forgot to mention that I am house sitting. The man purpose is to be present for the 21 year old foster girl. She has learnt today that she will get her own home in February. That is fantastic news for her. It's a nice enough house and very quiet here. I do feel odd and that's probably contributing to thinking about G and where is he etc. When Last week I didn't think once about what he was doing. It didn't matter anymore.
Anyhow it's evening number 2. I've done all of my washing. That's helpful. The journey is much reduced and so I can leave a little later in the morning and get back earlier. I am saving on my electricity bills as well as saving on fuel costs. To help further I am doing a four day a week from now on whilst I am studying and that begins this Friday.
So with a bit of luck I might save a bit oh and I am being paid the money that S and C would receive for foster caring R. It's £120 towards my washing machine. I am a bit pissed off with G that he didn't offer me the £10 he took the night before we divorced. He bought tobacco. And I think he thinks the putting in of the shower is repayment for the £240 he borrowed for his tyres.
Hmmmm. And He mentioned giving my key back but didn't give it back.
I think there are still things to be clarified. He seems to think all the talking is done. I am far from done. I am still assessing the situation.
B x

 

Portcullis up, drawbridge down.

People who judge harshly towards me will not be close, long term friends.
However where is the balance of receiving people's opinions when they are questioning my beliefs ad values. To maintain an open mind would be helpful.

It's normal for insecurities to be heightened when in a new relationship. It happens to everyone. With a addict using and insecurities would be lethal. Thank goodness I have my food recovery in place. It is such a  help to not have the body image insecurities.

It's so helpful speaking with some people. I have realised that already I am not being entirely honest with my new sponsor. She is not aware that G is staying every night. There is no plan either for him to leave despite us talking a while ago about having some time apart. I think I'd like it planned rather than him suddenly saying well I'm going to have a night away. When we spoke about that last evening he said that if I suddenly wanted a night alone he would wonder what I'm actually planning. Here is a good example of the insecurity and lack of trust.
Therefore I do think it would be good to plan something into our "not living together" scenario. Pah! He's been here over 2 weeks now and apart from me working and a couple of visits with friends, we've been together. And this last week and 2 days I've been on annual leave as well so even more time together. it's remarkable in some ways that we've spent all this together and had only a few periods of time in shut down.
We had a moment on Sunday. I made judgemental comments about people having affairs. My motives behind my udgements were fear based of course. My fear that if G still thinks it's okay to have affairs then it would be possible for him to cheat on me. How the hell can I of all people make such a judgement about this type of behaviour. Never say never is one thought and I have a history of breaking such trusts. I had affairs when in relationships and I also had affairs with men in relationships. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it regardless of any morals or principles.
Not to mention my resentment with my father for his flirtations with women and the belief that he was seeing T before my mum was even buried. How dare he do that to my mum. Especially when I believe that she had been so loyal to him. She adored him. I have wondered whether there had ever been any infidelities. The opportunities were there with all her travelling. And she was vivacious and flirty. Ad whilst my mum could appear naughty I also felt that she was very strongly principled. Somewhat prudish I could often think. Different values I suppose.
Anyway G quite rightly said that I was not listening to his actual experience and instead judging the behaviour. He was trying to tell me about meeting a particular woman and one thing leading to another resulting in them having an affair. She was married. Mrs E is married too. Now I can see how I wasn't listening and that it wasn't the case now. Perhaps I was too pointing out something that doesn't sit so comfortably with him. The fact that he chooses unavailable women for relationships is one thing. But also I was saying that it is not okay for people to actually carry through the attraction knowing there is someone else involved. Where is a persons integrity and dignity too when there is another partner? Where is self restraint in all of this. If desire is so powerful then no one would be faithful, trustworthy and loyal. The funny thing is the other way around G would be so hurt. I'm not sure what it was actually that was touched in him but the Port Cullis dropped down heavily. I said you seem angry. He said "it doesn't matter". Then there were long silences with the gap between me on my settee and him in his smoking retreat very obvious. The string was severed. As a result the drawbridge was raised. Very powerful imagery of not only the distance between us but the barriers.
I felt initially frustrated and fed up. Wondering to myself if I can be bothered if this is how it is going to be every time. I felt suddenly strong and powerful thinking just get out. But there was also a voice saying work through this. This is G and I have strong feelings of LOBE for him (load of bollocks emotion, as we've sort of nick-named it). I ant to see how it is to accept someone as they are. I'm doing something similar with M. It is perhaps easier to do when loving someone for who they are. And I do. I love M and G for the person I know and meet on a daily basis. I am wondering if I am falling in LOBE with G. There are strong feelings. and I am hoping not to become overly attached and needy. I did that before. Every time in fact and very early on. So this is similar perhaps. BUT there are many things that are very new - INTIMACY (into me you see). The open and honest sharing. I managed to tell him the truth about having been married 3 times. It came up as we were talking about being honest. I can't remember what it was that had been raised about honesty but I just knew it wasn't sitting comfortably that he'd asked about how many times I'd been married. I skirted over the number. Fear and shame. Well the truth is I've been married 3 times and I discussed the details. Oh this had led on from him asking me about terminations of pregnancy - abortion the common word. Ugh however much I hate to say it this was a part of my history too. I know this had an affect on G. It was more that he thought I hadn't thought to mention it to him. There we go again you see that distrust through emission - secrecy. A form of dishonesty.
I am learning through G about honesty. Sometimes though I don;t know what my truth is. I think I am so air-headed the truth is dependant on the very moment. I wonder if I am a pathological liar and have no idea of what the actual truth is. I am frightened by this.
As the day went on with G things did loosen up but not entirely. Only yesterday were we able to relax again with each other. The Port Cullis and Drawbridge are great images of how we both back off from the situation. There are doubts from both of us. It's amazing that G is howing that we can be open about this. I have instances of wondering what the hell I'm doing.
Is it going too fast? IS he aware of what he's doing by staying here permanently? Wondering if it's simply somewhere to be rather than in his own Pit and alone feeling lonely? Do I really want to be involved with someone who has such an emotional attachement to someone else and is keeping that going too? Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with someone who does not want to earn a proper income and how this will cramp any desires to do things and go places. I sometimes look at him ad don't see the attractive person I see at other times. Oddly I have no issue with his issues in connection with sex. I think actually in this matter we are both facing our issues - this is where I feel safest strangely.
The perosn I've met thus far overall though I have feelings of LOBE for. And at times I think I am in LOBE, whatever that means.
And with M too there have been ongoing discussion, claridying misunderstandings here and there. We went to see Rust and Bone. Wow! I really did enjoy this film. I would recommend anyone to see it but these days I am reluctant to do so as I realise it's such a personal thing. Music, films, art, books etc are all personal. Images or ideas or sounds that get right inside me may not be what other find interesting or inspiring. I think I have a passion in me and so I'm easily stimulated by many things. I am like a child who sees everything as pretty colours. I think I like this idea. There are of course some things that just don't "do it" for me. That is indication that there is a degree of discretion and censoring. Phew that goodness.
Anyway Rust and Bone was for me an emotional roller coatser. Havng read the reviews and it getting good press I knew a little about the woman becoming crippled. Knowing this the tension that built in me around the particular building up of that event was excrutiating. I wanted to turn away and for the event not to happen. Of course it did as this was the beginning of interactions of people and their lives.
And this French film interwove different threads and personalities. Different backgrounds and values interwoven and conflicting. I want to know more about each of the people. I also want to know if the leading lady has amputated legs or if this was done through digital cameras. It was so convincing I am left questioning this. The acting was so convincing generally, from the child to the sister to the main characters and anyone that travelled into view. I would like more films of this calibre.

During the film I had a funny thought. What if anything happened to G (he is continuning the inestigation into what appears to be angina) and no one knew to contact me? I was aware that he was doing some work. Having already commented on how rude I find it when people are talking, especially of serious matters, and they turn away to attend to an incoming call or text message. with M I also get offended when we are talking and she is completely distracted, not even an associated thought or focus. I either need to let go of that or tell her. I usually feel disappointed and uhm a word for a feeling I don't know how to describe. There is a sort of sadness as if I am uninteresting and something that matters to me is boring her to the extent that she cannot hold concentration. I feel ignored and unimportant. My trust is questioned and I wonder why I bother to try and talk about the thins that matter to me when they are so unimportant to her anyway. Interesting as it is so important to M that she feels heard. I was relieved that she is beginning to see that other people are also afraid and insecure. She seems to have thought everything is being done to her and everyone else is confidant and settled. She then went on immediately to say how is she supposed to know unless she is being informed. It's almost autistic in her approach.

G was sleeping away in the other room and has now awoken.

As H said to me this morning, God is in this relationship with me. I am not alone. He has had my back covered thus far. A long ife of incredible risks but here I am still alive and ready for the daily adventures of life. Things don't just happen.

What is this situation with B as well? I think I'll have to write anoteh time about this. The fear the utter fear that I have of being me in front of other people. I don't want to tell people who I am - their disapproval? I don't know - there is more to be written though.

Off for now
Bliss
xx

p.s. I am going to meet with Lelung Rinpoche this morning. G and I are good for each other as I will get about getting this organised as a result of G being there. He will go along if I do the organising. We can be so good for wach other. Lets develope the positives and not let the destructives things destroy. It's about being away of the potential lethal weapons not pretneding they don't exist.

xx

 

Soulful striving

It is my job to strive for the soulful things; honesty, graciousness, mindfulness, kindness, goodness, love, willingness, openness, wisdom. Please God help me to achieve this soulfulness and to hand over my self will and the desire for material and self gain. Please help me to share these soulful things in a way that is doing the best for kin and all mankind. That is what my soul desires.
Life without purpose is futile. I pray that I may find the good life worth striving for.

It is God sent that I have this morning to relax a little. It is extra to curriculum due to getting a puncture yesterday. It is does not come free of charge. For weeks now I have been aware that I need new tyres and yesterday God gave me a puncture. Not directly I realise, God doesn't do things that way I am sure. But this was a reminder before anything seriously awful happened. I begrudge spending out on these things you see and postpone in favour of personal pursuits and desires. So thank you God for the least dangerous reminder. And this morning L very kindly allowed me to get into work late so that I can get the tyres sorted out. I just now am waiting until 8 am so that i can phone A.D.D Tyres in Bordon. They were very good to me before and I am hoping they can fit new tyres this morning and not be hugely expensive. I am very grateful though to have been  putting funds away each month so that I can actually afford to replace all 5 (inc spare) if so required. I think they do all need replacing. It's got to be over a year since I replaced them. My car needs servicing too but I won't be able to afford that this month. I hope I've got a lot of extra pay in this months salary. I was begrudging paying it out on a car because it's been my Norway trip fund. I hope not to have to delve into my Paris trip fund. I hope that will be around Feb latest. Although it's probably better to go in April. That would give more time to save up.
I think my dad must be in hospital. he said he was having to go back in and didn't know whether he'd have to stay or not. I suspect he did know. I tried calling at about 21:30 and there was no answer. I left a message. I wonder if he did give my number to his neighbours. He said he would but .....
I will try calling his mobile this morning. And I will also see if I can book to have my hair cut on Saturday. What I'd really like to do is get the accreditation document finished this weekend and then get it approved by my supervisor and eventually submitted before 1 Sep when OU re-starts. This time Applied Psychology. I am just not ready for the discipline required. I need to alter my mindset. I think I will have to work all day Saturday and the mornings on Sunday. And have Sunday afternoon as relaxation time after the AWOL. If I read in the mornings all the information gets lost with the day filtering into the memory banks. It rubs out anything I've read.
As soon as I start thinking of other things after reading I forget what the points were.
I also realise I learn by experiencing. I think this may be very basic learning. I am not so cranial. But when I get real examples then it seems to truly get into the memory banks. Experiencing something seems to really be the best way.
I even forgot though in my first share last evening at AA after 90 days in FA of not sharing, to talk about love as connectedness. I think I was born with this isolation tendency. And circumstances probably enhanced it. Being an only child made it and makes it easy to feel lonesome, and I don't mean lonely. But the lonesome can quickly create loneliness and a feeling of being unlovable and unloved. I know it's not limited to single children though as many people with varying numbers of siblings and closeness can still feel that isolation. But what i am experiencing is a connectedness through fellowship. The calls are indicators of love. Even though the connections can be difficult or easy depending on individuals, I feel a love. I love the programme. I am so grateful to God for bringing me this programme and helping to rouse the willingness in me.
It is glorious. I have been troubled at work for example and now I am less troubled. Trusting in my sponsor and the programme and gradually becoming more willing to do what is suggested, it's all got me to being a different and improved version of me. I know L is changing too and I am grateful to God for that as well. All of me is screaming that it's me who has done all the work and wanted things to be better. pride and self righteousness. But I can concede and smile at myself about that, because I know she has been changing too. Thank you God for showing me me.
Please God help me to have the willingness to work this programme.
Thank you God for another day abstinent yesterday.
Poor anyone who reads God and thinks OH NO! A religious culty freak. If only that person would know that I am least religious and Goldly in that sense than anyone. The Bible and the religious practices are not for me. I get the principle more and more though.
Reading Paradise Lost is interesting. You see I think I am understanding Milton to be suggesting that the Garden of Eden was actually before Earth. There was no Heaven nor Hell, there was just this place with angels and peace. But Satan as he became to be known was envious and wanted higher ranking position, even Gods position. He tempted Eve with the apple and was rallying the discontent in the other angels. Angels that were impatient or jealous or bored or scolded or resentful or something. All these emotions and traits exist but there are those that Satan was able to infiltrate and culture those traits in his growing desire for more. It is something that can be cultivated and a darkness that grows fast and envelopes the light. I can relate. It was a seed that exists there and as the devil gets a hold for  example through abuse or abandonment and faulty nurturing, the dark feelings have the room to swirl and escalate. Then the Satan can step up the anti using this emptiness ad coldness to turn it into hatred and desire and overwhelming power. It's there, it can be ignored. Ignore at ones peril. As the fallen angels discovered. They lost their belief in the light, stopped putting into action all the effort required to nurture and then the swirling dark cold abyss grows within needing more and more to fill it as it grows deeper and deeper. I followed that trail. The seed was given room to grow with the sense of shame and hatred that I was given. There wasn't enough belief surrounding me to counter the effect. And the abyss was opened up. I had this anger in me without knowing what it was and no teachers to even show me a different way. well actually I don't think that's entirely true. I suspect there were a lot of people trying but the power of the shame and hatred was louder somehow. Maybe I am the sort of person who listens to that like the angels. Some did not want to follow Satan's desires, they had the strength and belief to turn away and face the light.
I found alcohol and diets and laxatives and this fuelled my anger. It gave me a false courage, a strength to rebel. I rebelled hoping to be heard really but in fact it widened the abyss. My mum was the frail link back though. I kept a little of the light for the terror of finally letting my mum down so much that she would have to let get of the thinning stretching thread. She loved me so much and this morning walking around the village I longed for a moment to be her daughter in the world we live in. Just to have her here to love me. Just to have that assurance. And an opportunity to show her a revised me, a more soulful caring me. Show her how much I truly love her and actually that I do appreciate her. I know she knows in Heaven but it's earthly her I am sad not to have here today. I can bring her close to me though.
But that sadness with loss and grieving does not have to turn into a gap for the devil to seep in. No. no. Nor do my worries about finances or the difficulties at work or the need for study time or the laziness with hpusework. No, instead I can turn to God. I can keep my strength of belief. I can ask for the willingness to work this programme. And then there are fewer and fewer avenues to trundle along that lead into temptation.

A friend made a comment that she felt igorant about not knowing what Paradise Lost was. It got me to pondering about the fact that in the past I have been so tough on myself, telling myself I am ignorant. And that isn't with any love at all I have said that to myself. I brate myself for being ignorant as if it's a terrible thing. How awful the way language is used with connotations from nastiness. So being kind and gentle I was saying to this friend that it is not ignorance as a bad thing but it is ignorance fulls top. I didn't know about Paradise Lost and rather than being ashamed of that it is not something I have sat down to discover. I didn't do any literature study to any great length. I chose to play instead of study. And now I can be humble enough to be grateful for the different people in my life that bring diverse interests to me. And as they become interesting to me I do indeed follow them through. Paradise Lost had come to my attention some time ago. I did look it up and even copied the books onto my conputer. But it didn't really sink in. And then my sculptor friend showed me her work in connection with an upcoming exhibition called Revelations. I don't know if it's just a title and she has taken the Biblical theme or whether the Biblical element is the them. Anyway she has referred to Paradise Lost as her inspiration. And my gosh the work I saw was outstanding. She expressed the emotions of despair at the realisation of waking in this place called hell. This endless prison with no entrance nor exit. Wow, such vision. A knowingness of those feelings. And I could see how that intial shame borne from powerful desire, so powerful that all trust was lost in the light and God and turned towards Satan full of promises and guile. They invested in the temptation and desire and woke to realise the results. And of course there lies the pain to be further cultivated by Satan.
So she brought Paradise Lost a little bit more alive for me than the last encounter I had with it whatever that was, I can't even remember. And so much so that I am trying to read it. It's a lot of literature to read. But wow it's painting powerful pictures for me. The meaning though seems sop difficult to express. And someone else can. How wonderful that is. I am envious but will not allow that to breed and instead I am grateful to God for showing me this. I am learning. And my horizons expand. How wonderful that I have so many people with interestes that spark my own interests. And my knowledge is growing, my openness grows as I realise the passion and delight these things can bring to my soul. Thank you God. Thank you for E and the many pothers such as A and M and T and A and E and - that's beginning to look like a genetic code ha ha ha ha.
So here I am sitting waiting. I have tried calling 2 tyre places with no answer as yet. I have at least sent a text to L to tell her what is happening. I hope to get there by 10:30. Is that possible?
I will call my hairdresser too. Can I afford it? I hope so.
I need to save £360 per year for haircuts which means putting away £30 per month. I will need to start doing that then.
I also need to phone Vodafone and see if there is a better package for my minutes usage. It's crazy paying £150 per moth on Vodafone then there's BT and Plusnet for Broadband. This is a lot of money every month of communications. There has to be a better way. I onder what happens if I amalgamate them all. What is the total cost? £150 Vodafone £45 BT and £12 Plusnet = £207 per month!!!! That's ridiculous. I do  not use my landline except for an international call once per week for 1 and half hours. I use the Internet a lot.  Oh and I add some money for Skype calls too. Not much but that probably pushing £215 per month on communications. There has to be a better way.
I will call BT, Plusnet and Vodafone to see what they could do to improve these costs if I put all of mys business with them. I need to phone EDF too to see what good deals they are offering on supplying electtricity as the fixed rate ends this month. Has ended actually.
OK lets start with Vodafone. 191 - it's free. No tyre place first. I hope they open at 9am. They do.
OK it's time to go. And bugger I didn't read anymore of the poem. I will take it with me whilst I am waiting.

Thank you
Bliss
XX



 

On being alone - Ascension day

I loved hearing this yesterday morning. It was a moment of reflection on the matter of aloneness. I resonated strongly with that inner peace of aloneness but was also reminded how much of my time I have rebuked that notion and despaired for someone to fill what can feel like a chasm. The work in progress is how I am a little more comfortable with aloneness and less lonely. The longing diminishes ever so slightly. Thank you God. I suppose, according to the story of Jesus of Nazareth, the misunderstandings and inexperience are essential. I try to reconcile why? Why did God not give all knowledge from the offset, do away with pain and difficulties from the very beginning. Is this though the spiritual growth, the journey, the river, the road to Nirvana or Ascension? Our personal evolutionfrom undeveloped brain to eventual all knowledge at death. That makes sense to me since learning knowledge about development of humans and the brain.mans have developed areas of the brain beyond those of other creatures. We have technically the same brain stem as that of ancient species such as the crocodile. But we have also evolved beyond that. The miracle. God's gift? Chicken and egg, what came first? Did something kick in meaning we could consciously start experiencing so that we could then develop brain to create more room for conscious experiences? With consciousness comes misunderstandings or confusions and a desire to know more and so more experiences bringing more misunderstandings.

For whatever reason I am where I am in the greater scheme of the Universe. It feels very difficult and frightening when I don't understand and don't know what to do or how to be. But my faith is growing. Especially as I learn how to do things differently and feel the serenity coming back. And in my aloneness I am certainly experiencing life. What is wonderful is that I can share my misunderstandings and inexperience with friends like you and draw from your experience and thoughts. Then my aloneness can remain as bliss and peace and loving and truthful and wise. The pain of loneliness is removed and with it fear can go too.

I embrace being alone more and more but love that we are alone all together. Thank you for being a part of my togetherness, my experience and my misunderstandings.

"When I walk my dog early in the morning in the park, there are very few other people about. A few joggers, other dog walkers, the odd party goers recovering from a heavy night.
On Sunday morning though, I found myself surrounded by 15,000 people in pink who had taken part in a moonlit marathon walk in aid of a breast cancer charity. For me, it was the beginning of my day; for them it was the end of an arduous but by the looks of it enjoyable fund raising walk through the night. The sense of solidarity was palpable; women and men congratulating each other, relieved, emotional, some with the picture or the name of the person they were remembering on their tee-shirts.
Coming together and doing something is a powerful way of facing some of life’s toughest circumstances. In the midst of illness, bereavement, addiction or debt, meeting others and communicating with them about how it feels, what it’s like, for many is a step forward in a situation that is frightening and debilitating.

In the current economic circumstances, painful stories are emerging about people feeling acutely lonely against a high background count of anxiety about how to pay the next bill; hearing endless worrying news about Greek debt, banks not lending enough to small businesses and the stubbornly rising youth unemployment that threatens a European generation. The solidarity provided by food banks, debt counselling groups and night shelters in these circumstances can be a lifeline when you realise it’s not just you.
But today Christians face another equally profound truth; that while of course we are interdependent on one another and on the planet’s resources; while we unavoidably live in community, there is always a part of us that lives inside, alone. Today is Ascension Day; the poetic, sometimes comically portrayed way that the Bible has of saying that Jesus of Nazareth doesn’t stay around forever – but leaves; leaves his companions to get on with it, with all their misunderstandings and inexperience. That small group of men and women changed the world.
There is a paradox about Ascension Day which is to say that one of the most powerful ways of combating the loneliness of isolation is to make our peace with the fact that we are, in common with everyone else, alone. There are unfathomable depths within you and me; wisdom that has come with the years, resilience that has grown with our experience. It may seem unrealistic to talk about hopeful determination when there is so much to feel anxious about. But Ascension Day suggests that it is possible to find when we have made our peace with God in the reality that we live together alone."

Everything is constantly in flux .....

When you feel happy, Bliss, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy.
The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared.
Something, perhaps, to remember.
ILY,
    The Universe

And today I do feel happy. I noticed yesterday I felt content with where I live, I felt content being by myself, I felt content with the weather (relieved to see some rain and intrigued by the snow and the icy temperature), I felt faith and trust in everything, I felt OK about being slow and stuck with my studying. I felt content.
And I actually noticed all of this this morning. Nothing was troubling me ,everything was OK and I could easily verbalise that I feel happy.
I am aware that it can pass and I am happy about that too as I feel utter trust. As the Universe says, each feeling will pass. Everything is changing, the moon, the stars, glass, buildings, Earth, people. Nothing in this Universe stays the same.

Talking of Universe, I saw mars this morning. Bright and right in front of me as I sat in quiet time. Not bright white like most stars. I've had a sense that there are planets in the night sky. I hadn't appreciated Mars could be seen at sunrise I must admit. And as I checked, I was right. Not only is Mars visible, and incidentally the closes to Earth it's been in a long time, but also Jupiter, Venus and Mercury. Later this month Saturn will be visible too. I find it magical, mystical and glorious. I can hear their silent movement around us. I can hear the Universe shifting and our planet circling and twisting in it's orbit. That probably sounds crazy but when I'm engaged I really am. I feel filled with life and energy and a part of.
It would be lovely if I could feel this all the time but at the same time I realise that to really feel this properly I need to not feel it at times too. It then is able to fill me. And I can draw on these times to give me the energy to get through the difficult times.
I still have the thought that I welcome death but not wishing for death and there is a difference.
I have a deep melancholy but it's a sort of knowingness that never needs to go away so long as I "live" each day.








This is approx 12th March 2012

How lucky I am to have noticed Mars this morning and thank goodness for the Internet and this website
http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/visible-planets-tonight-mars-jupiter-venus-saturn-mercury

Bliss
XX