Letter to Norway

I am well. I have made a good start now to my essay. Just getting ideas onto paper before then redrafting hopefully tonight and tomorrow to then send it off by latest midnight. Really it needs to be in by midday. Realised YET AGAIN how much angst I get into when it's essay tiem and how this angst distorts my views on everything. I get frustrated and I seem to have to place it somewhere and this time it was FA and recovery generally that seemed to get the anger from me. Thankfully I didn't relapse and managed to keep the basics going.
I am feelling pressured by my sponsor to get to meetings but it's me that feels pressured because I am making a choice currently to keep my time for studying. I known what she says I would say though - meetings are vitally important and without them recovery slips and without recovery I'm in the food and crazy! What  realise is that she is not pressurising me at all, she is merely suggesting even though it sounds like it's what she wants me to do. Therefore, I know its me that feels pressurised for not doing what would make her happy with me. Glad to take responsibility for myself and if she doesn't want to sponsor me or gets cross or frustrated with me that's for her to feel and deal with. She can tell me but she doesn't. Yes happy to see this.
I have not yet established what this means to me in terms of study versus meetings, as my studying is important. It's cost a lot of money and a big investment of time and to be honest blood sweat tears too. So I'm unsure at this time how best to manage it. I am making a choice right now and therfore can expect my recovery to be a bit nore shaky. However, I do the basics with God in my life and hold firm that there is always a way through so long as I DO NOT pick up food. I got into and out of a relationship without relapsing and learnt masses from it despite being warned that it was potential for relapse and craziness. There were crazy times and close calls but I got through it and stronger as a result.
So I must take responsibility for the risks I put my under - today I feel stronger again and thank God for giving me that strength and carrying me through recent days of what seemed like turmoil and close calls! Thank you God for keeping me abstinent. I am truly grateful

Bliss
XX

Pussy Footing Around Anger

What is the feeling beneath the anger?
There are a couple of people at the frosty Friday meet that I sit and get really angry with. I an recall the first time I got really really angry was a few years ago and look how I ma still holding on to it. I had taken on teas and coffees with everyone's knowledge that I couldn't get there until about 7:40. Then C came along and angrily made hints about the T&C person needing to get there early to open up and how she had been sitting outside freezing. In the other business moment, I suggested I hand in the commitment despite everyone knowing my arrival time in advance of me taking the commitment on. I laughed inwardly as the group voted me in to continue. C was huffy and has been with me ever since. I know it's not personal because she's huffy and rude with a number of people at different times.
Last night she wanted me to give her information about someone else and when I said I had no idea she accused me of sitting on the fence. What I wanted to do was slap her and then tell her to f-off. What I did say is that I really don't know any information and then I was angry with myself because that would imply that if I did I would say something. I wouldn't. I don't like gossip and saying anything about anyone without their say-so can be tantamount to gossip. I wished I had the ability to find something light to say with a smile like "hey C are you asking me to gossip?"
But knowing that anger is very often a secondary emotion, a coping emotion, I wonder what is going on underneath. Fear? Yes I have fear of them gossipping about me and then people will believe it and I'll be considered a bad person. All the business with the bloody pot was irritating, mind you I had messed it up somewhat and of course I wouldn't want people to know that. But I did own it and signed it off and have since been putting extra amounts in every pot, when I have it.
I don't like them actually. I think they are rude and controlling and self-righteous. So there I am angrily judging them. How to just love and accept them as they are? God show me how please.
If I were to see them through your eyes God .... how would I see them. Sometimes I see them with pity and that's not fair. I see C shaking as she tries to pick things up and K has aged recently. Then they go an say something that seems spiteful for example because someone has walked away from the meeting after being treated rudely, C said in a nasty tone "she'll drink!". In my opinion I think that's said without mindfulness. And K insinuated it's even worse because her sponsor is away right now. How flipping gossipy is that. Did I say anything? No not a word. What could I have said. I would often in the past lash out in defence but at least I didn't do that. Defend the underdog.
Maybe it isn't just a secondary emotion, maybe I am appropriately angry but what on earth am I to do about it. I will not be there next week thank goodness. And I am no longer the secretary for Saturday so don't have to hold the key - that's a different issue but just entered my mind.
I don't know the traditions well enough to know what's healthy orderliness here and them just bossing everyone around to do the meeting their way. K says he has seen the best of AA and it's going. It's just change. They do not see that. People seem to condemn new and different. I think so long as the traditions are being upheld there is room for change and update.
What is it that they trigger in me. It is this control that they have and that they are right. I am sure it's in me too and where else. I see with P how he can believe something and impose the thought or idea on me or others as if we should think the same way, without even a consideration for difference and different being okay.
It irritates me no end.
Yes it's this severity of control when it's so subtle at times and yet not in other ways. I spent my life with that I think and have no idea how to have a voice against it.
I think that's it the fear is that I was not able to have a voice. What was I afraid of? What would have happened to me? I got told off a lot and just clamped down upon, told I was wrong and shown I was wrong. Any idea I had was stupid or not even given any regard. My emotion were not even acknowledged and I am afraid if I speak up I will say it all wrong and be knocked down for things I haven't said or worse still be publicly told I am wrong and stupid. I am afraid to have my say.
My say would be that I felt it inappropriate that a request was dealt with quite rudely across the room and with newcomers in the room.I am also unhappy with the amount of gossip both in the room and outside of the room and disappointed to hear that people outside are gossipping and saying how bad the meeting is. And worse still the talk I hear involves certain personalities. I'd like to say all of that and perhaps I need to run this by my sponsor.
It's not the protection of the meeting I am interested in really, it's the learning about me.
How to say things or whether I should simply stay quiet.

S said something and H said something too.
Keep my eyes on my own business not anyone else's and it's just not the way I do my recovery.
If I can keep my focus on those things do I need to say anything and do I even need to continue attending.
I would like to be going to meetings to be learning about the Big Book and about my alcohol-ism and about the solutions in getting well. I do not hear that in the meeting.
I have resentment with C and K. I really do. I don't want to have resentment though. I actually prayed for them this morning without being told to. That's progress.
I do pray for them God. And please show me the way forward.
Help me understand me please.

I am very grateful for the opportunity to explore this. Without these people including P, behaving the way they do I would not be able to find out about me and how to change.

Thank you

Bliss
XX

Freebird tethered

Then L called. Gosh I could relate to her too. She too was worrying about her sisters state of mind, her mum's health and feeling self-centred and selfish wanting or needing emotional support from them. She is working on Step 4 on her AWOL. And to be honest I really could relate to being right in the Step 4 and everything feeling so flipping difficult. When I was working on Step 4 my dad was dying and there I was trying to look at my part in my resentment. I felt so bloody resentful and angry. Yet was giving myself such a hard time. Tying to keep the focus on me meant I was taking on EVERYTHING as my fault. I was to blame and yet I didn't feel to blame all at the same time. It was so so challenging a time for me. I think to some degree I am still stuck in step 6/7 which is when I left the AWOL because I relapsed. I hadn't really fully grasped the responsibility for the bad feeling I had caused my dad and my mum come to that. And since then it's been sinking in and feeling heavy at times. I feel awful for the irresponsibility of my decisions in the name of wanting hedonism. Hedonism came in the shape of wanting parties and men and drink and just a good time all the time. I didn't want what felt like the shackles of responsibility such as financial commitments. I thought my parents were simply boring and trying to tie down this freebird in me. Which always reminds me of the Lynnard Skynnard record and wanting to be that free spirit, drugging and slightly fey, unknown to people. Yet in my behaviours I was without any depth at all really. Of course the depth was in my desperate quest for something but didn't know what. So with that not even knowing I was looking demeanour, I became very one dimensional. How despairing my parents must have been with their strong values to build their finances and status and knowing the importance of financial security in this very demanding society and watching me time after time fritter away properties and actual cash. I was just so irresponsible. Also getting them onto bad debtors lists as I was resident in their home. My dad had a right to not want me around as I caused them trouble. And all of this was happening without them really knowing I was drinking excessively or eventually drugging and always promiscuous in my desperate bid to have someone to love me. I didn't like or love myself and felt unlovable so it was never going to fulfil me. That behaviour just got worse. In fact I see how the drink was just a reason to make my behaviour acceptable to me. I thought it was giving me courage to do that. Actually it was overriding my values so that i could behave in a way I didn't approve of. All the time blaming my dad for being so Victorian. He was strict and very judgemental but it wasn't his fault and I had values but disregarded them. They were muddled up with his dangerous messages through abuse and imposition over me.
I need to go and get ready. There is more to write but not now.
Bliss
X
 

SC's response the the Arms of Mary

Dear Bliss

To offer you thoughts, opinions or perspectives about what you have shared with me would miss understand the importance of the truth that you seek to express. I can therefore only offer you a response

I feel privileged that you would share such a very personal and private agony. I am most struck by the Unfathomable, confusing, torturous and terrifying Truth that you have lived with for much of your life.

I congratulate you for your relentless efforts to confront injustice, in the hope that you may be free. Maybe you have arrived at a place where it is time to relinquish the painful search for 'why'. The answer is embodied in the impossibility of ever knowing why

Freedom is the recognition that in the face of trauma, we can define our own Truth with the help of God or Higher Power.

Warm regards

Drinking and then Not Drinking - notes from Siste Bea

Sister Bea talks about one specific occasion in her chairs to exemplify her powerlessness and unmanageability.
And then she talks about being in the programme but just not drinking.
Someone once said to her that she was always so miserable. She agreed that she fond it all annoying and boring. He suggested that she go home and get on her knees and ask for the willingness to have a change of attitude. Which she did. She laughed saying that she wants to say that God appeared to her suddenly and lit the sky. But he didn't but realised that God appeared to her in different ways. She discovered that praying for the willingness to come unstuck it always happened. The little miracles of God that an easily be overlooked.
Over the years the cravings were lifted and she began to enjoy the wonders of the programme. At times she would be crying with dear or frustration or just not knowing what to do next. She would go to meetings crying. She discovered that the programme is magnificent and magic. The magic comes from us when we discover the big secret. The secret is that we are totally powerless of everything. And we get to latch onto life in a different way, letting go to a Higher Power. Sometimes letting go and taking back and letting go and so on. We talk about selfishness and self-centredness is the problem for us. Wanting to be in charge.
It say to Sister B. this is the how and why of it. You have to quit playing God because it doesn't work. And from hereon God is going to be the master - He is the father you are the child. It may be too complicated for you to get at times in its simplicity.
This is the the key to pass into freedom. Which is all I've ever wanted,
This inner freedom has come to her she says. She has discovered that working the steps there are all these little promises caught up in the steps. Page 63/84 these promises are a in the steps.
In step 3 if we turn our will over to the care of God then all the promises are caught up in this. All sorts of remarkable things will follow if we hand over control to God.
God will provide everything you need so long as you stay close and do the work. You will be come less interested in self and more interested in what you can contribute to life. And as a result you will feel new power enter into your life. You will lose your fear of today and tomorrow. You will be reborn. You will get to start all over again.
This is a fascinating study for her. One of the tings she odes is when she goes through this. She says there are 84 promises all caught up in the steps.
Men - 6 promises for step 4. 2 for acceptance for anger, fear and sex. Means that they keep coming back
10 promises in step 5 -
Promises in steps 8/9
promises from step 10
Stop Fighting. I don;t have to go to war anymore.

Used to think I knew how to teach prayer and meditation. Page 86 and 87 of the Big Book.
I have to ask God to direct my thinking and consider my plans for the day. First think in the morning.

I can wake up filled with resentment. It can say to me please wake up as we have to get someone today.
When agitated and indecisive (easy for me to do). Things in life are agitating.Generally I am irritable. The steps help to even me out. So that I can always be in touch with the ways of my self.
I average 3/4 meetings per week.
I have a sponsor and I sponsor other people.
Working with the spirituality of the programme means I have to work it harder for myself.
The magic is here but I don't know where it comes from.
We never criticise. But I listen to people sometimes in meetings and I do criticise. I wonder which part of never I don;t understand.
This woman wanted to drink and a foolish man in the meeting stood up yet again saying the same old thing. But added that we are not supposed to drink or use drugs. IN the care the woman had heard him above all other people. She said we are not supposed to drink between meetings. I had to realise that God works in mysterious ways and I don't know best.
Oh the putting down of the alcohol can switch into relationships.
People get sober then start shaping up and all is looking good. Then it gets boooring.People get stuck
A lot of unhappy people in recovery too. I don;t want to be unhappy. I was too unhappy before I got here.
G is unhappy.
The joys of the programme come from living and loving the programme.
Shakespeare - King Lear- we should live and pray and take upon us the mystery of things and so we were God's spies.
We get to see how God works in the most extraordinary ways. The miracle world we are living in. It is a wonderful life
We get the chance to break the cycle of negativity. Awakenings are happening all over the world and we are witness to some of them. This is such a privilege
The steps of this programme can and will change us.

 

Heading towards the Etoile

Well yesterday I met with G and his friend N. We went for a walk near Trotton. LouLou is so scared of G's gruff shout at Maggie and Toby. She shakes and hangs behind. I don't think she enjoys the walks at all. I don't know what to do about this. It's better when the other dogs aren't there but she's come to be afraid of G. Is this an indication of the depth of his anger. LouLou is generally very choosy.
So I've noticed how "in love" I feel and with this comes complete forgiveness and acceptance of everything. Is this healthy and wise? At the same time I think I detect a withdrawal from G. There are so many times when I'm going through the motions and actually questioning whether I even like him let alone love him. I love lots of people and I can feel love for him as the person he is but not love that I want to be with him. I start questioning his principles for example wanting to gossip about people and put them down. I don't like that. I used to dislike it about Simon and became quite contemptuous of this about him. I do it myself. I get drawn into it more though. When I want to be onside with G I will do it or if I want him to dislike someone because I'm jealous of them. I will buy into the gossip to add to his lowering opinion for example. It's jealousy. I did it with D, his friend. When he moaned about her I dug it deeper and I don't even know her. That's the motive from me. How ugly. These days I just listen and I do not indulge him further.
I would like to stop gossipping entirely. I am better and being silent. I need practice in changing the subject. I don't need to worry what people think about me changing the subject. I don;t need to make people feel uncomfortable because that would be the next motive. Make them feel bad about themselves for gossipping.
So there is this push and pull between G and I. He doesn't like so much tactility. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. It's on his terms. Do I accept that? Sometimes I can and sometimes I want it on my terms too. Can I put up with it being on his terms? Could I raise it with him? There will be times when it's possible to speak about these things. Sometimes I feel rejected when he doesn't want to touch.
He doesn't like it when I tell him I find him handsome. He said when he's believed that he's not handsome for his entire 59 plus years, not liking it is bound to be. But I like it when he fins me attractive even though most of the time I don't believe it. I am feeling better about myself some of the time though and so can allow that sort of thing to be said a little more easily. I look in the mirror and no longer think I am so ugly I should be put out of my misery. I no longer and overweight and so actually think I've got a pretty good body now. What a pity I wasn't able to find this food recovery earlier. But this was to be my journey and I'm incredibly grateful to have been directed in this way.

I do wonder though if I'm truly an alcoholic. G will sometimes say about a person he doubts that they are an alcoholic. I wonder what he really means about that. I have thought he means that the drinking has not been so bad after all. But I think he might also mean as says in the Big Book that it's more than the alcohol. There's more than the alcohol, it's a spiritual malady. Ad I read somewhere, I can't recall where now this list that describes the spiritual malady
1. restless, irritable and discontented (BB p.xxvi)
2. Having trouble with personal relationships
3. Not being able to control our emotional natures
4. Being a prey to (or suffering from) misery and depression
5. Not being able to make a living (or a happy and successful life)
6. Having feelings of uselessness
7. Being full of fear
8. Unhappiness
9. Inability to be of real help to other people (BB p.52)
10. Being like the "actor who wants to run the whole show" (BB pp.60-61)
11. Being driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity (BB p.62)
12. Self-will run riot (BB p.62)
13. Leading a double life (BB p.62)
14. Living like a tornado running through the lives of others (BB p.82)
15. Exhibiting selfish and inconsiderate habits.

These are the manifestations of SELFISHNESS and SELF-CENTREDNESS.

The point made in number 14, the Big Book says "The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have bee uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when says sobriety is enough.... There is along period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling ... won't fit the bill at all.
...asking  each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."
And gosh how I need help with this. My struggle at this moment is taking this on board. For example in my chaos I was hopeless with finances and rested on my laurels that my mum would always bail me out. Even though I would know it would irritate the hell out of my father. My poor mum would have to be the negotiator with him. And I would know that it eroded yet more respect away on his part. So I'm not at all surprised that he didn't want to leave me anything in his Will. However, there is somewhere a balance for standing up for my rights. I don't really believe I have any rights because I was such a fool for so many years. But then again I can see that a lot of my behaviours were driven because I was deeply afraid. I had an arrogance that was steeped in a lack of any self worth. I was totally hedonistic and selfish. I thought only of myself and therefore acted in ways that were thoughtless of others. Sometimes I would consider for example my dads growing revulsion of me only to then become angry and of course I would blame. The same extremes as I'm osciallting between now. Either he's completely right in his negative judgement of me therefore I am totally a bad person. Or I'm right and therfore he is to blame and wrong. I've swung between these extremes for a liftetime.
And so when people are telling me to find ways to stand up for my rights with dignity, I seem to have to be casting aspersions about my father to make it okay for me to do this. But then I think of all the tings I have done and this means that I have no rights at all. I can not seem to find the balance. I am seeing a sort of Arc de Triomphe etoile. There are all of these roads leading into and away from the centre. The centre is balance and calm. The circle around it is where there is the greatest chaos with the roads leading to it jammed with thoughts. The roads leading away appear to be flowing.
So the raods leading into the centre are: my fathers part when I was a child, my behaviour as an adult (even when alcohol and drug free). During the years until maybe even 2011, I have not behaved well. It was improving with help from B and FA. I was beginning to show up but there was no real feeling of reconciliation for me. Even when he was approaching his death he was rude and angry with me.
Reconciliation for me would have been him being nice to me and including me finally. But no. I think reconciliation will finally be realising my father was a very unwell man. Really accepting it. I fight it because I still don't think his treatment of me as a child was real and that I have brought this all upon myself.
It WAS real. How can I actually get that and keep it? So some of it I exaggerated. But what is true was bad enough. I think some of my exaggeration was to keep the reality of my mum leabving me unattended and never stopping the situaitn. Even she thought it was me a lot of the time. It became me in later years but I was just a child.
So it's no wonder I find it difficult to accept him as he was. I always knew he was a liar and flirted with women. It was useful to know that other people know these things too. I always thought I was over stating such matters. I feel certain he was having an affair with Betty. My dad became so damning of Paul her husband. There was a look between them. And I've litle doubt my father had been flirting with T, later his wife, long before my mum was dead.
I am angry about these things. Raging, raoring, hating him. But you see this is one of the roads leading towards the star. There is this roar of rage which can quickly become hatred. There there is the conflict of wanting to love and forgive him. When I do that I have to put aside all that he did that was wrong. And so the turmoil begins again. Whre is the cenre in all of this?
I think it would be helpful to see a SC. But I can't afford it!!!
I need to get to the shops for food. And I need to do studying today. Nothing else. And here I am writing.
I am troubled by all of the roads leading to the centre. I can see the centre though. I think actually I'm in the real chaos now going around the centre. Crowded and all thoughts bumping into each other.
I would like to get to the centre of all of this. This would mean having knowledge tat my childhood was as it was and it wasn't okay. Being able to find love and forgiveness and discover how to stand up for my rights with what isn't okay for me. It was how it was and it wasn't okay. I don't need to blame somehow. I just need to say that I was never ever going to be enough for my fatjer. He didn't want a baby in the first place. Overcoming the fact that my mum was pregnant he was destroyed further when I was a girl. He told me this himself. I don't know why he told me. Perhaps he didn't know how not to. I wonder what hell he created for my mum when she said she was pregnant. I think my mum must have gone through a lot of turmoil. But she stayed and endured it. I remember the fighting just ebcause we were going out. I used to be scared but it was also normal. I didn;t think it was strange for example when Uncle R and Autie E were shouting. It was just the usual. I went along with sitting at the top of the stairs with L but in reality wondered what all the fuss was about. Similarly with the K's when we used to spy on her mum and F. I knew they were having an affair. I thought it was horrid for D but again it was usual for me.
It's bloody horrible and annying that this was the man my father was. It's damned frustrating that he got away with it right to his death. But I was never going to be able to stand up against him all the time he was alive. I am sad to say I was too scared. I want to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afarid anymore. I truly do.
I'm so easily hooked into being the victim and being sick. I want to be suicidal and dark because in that way I don;t have to face up to anything. I get there and don't even know what it is I can't face anymore. It's everything. Mainly I can't face myself and that I have been such a coward for so long.
I had an urge then to share this with G. But the purpose, the motive would have been so that he sees a strong me and not feel so sickened by me. You see how qucikly I am turning his possible off me times into it being about the person I am rather than him. When I'm off him it;s the things that I don;t like about him not him.
I don't want anyone to have any part of me they don't like you see. Because if they do they will decided to leave me and that invalidates anything that's good. I do not ahve the power over people to like all of me. No one can can they? I don't like all of anyone. So why should I expect the same fro others. I don't trust anyonw to be able to work through that though and expect to get abandoned. Therefore the less I see of them or the fruther away I can be the less hance there is of them discovering all me. This is a lack of intimacy.
I often feel that I've allowed myself to get beyond the aloofness and then they will discover me and not like me. It's better when I stay quiet and distant. But it's impossible.
When will I be okay being me and enjoy those people that also are okay with me being me.
I won;t leave people because I don't like all of them. I sometimes need some time away from them or a little space but I like the people I like and I think I always will. It will be them that walk away.
So G may be having a not so liking time of me. I will just let that be and get on with my own things. I've got plenty to do.
I pointed out to him some differences. I like getting up early and seem to need less sleep than him. He likes sleeping in late and going to ebd extraordinarily late. I like people he likes very few people. I like to socialise. I like going to London. He loaths cities and prefers not to socilaise. He is very choosy about people and doesn't like one of my very good friends M.
With him I feel much more courageous to go off and adventure abroad. he is wary of leaving all that is familiar and will not invest the courage in me. He likes to gossip and I don't. I like meetings, he doesn't unless there's a newcomer to help.
He is easily grumpy and it can be very consuming of the very air around him and bleeds over me too.

I felt certain that yesterday he was more withdrawn again. After a day on Saturday with complete lust. I wonder if it really is just about sex for G? And if it is then I don't want just that. He said that he sees us getting together from time to time and enjoying sex. He does want to go away for the weekend as well and did want me to join him and N for a walk yesterday. So I must keep a relaity check on that and stop buying into my distrust of men. Which of course comes from my father. Messages such as men only want one thing. Women always drop their knickers on a whim. Women are only good for one thing.
Watching him get disugusting with mum is imprinted on my mind. He wouls role his tongue backwards, biting down on it. Grimacing of course as a result and then grunting and breathing in and out heavily. He used to do it to me too. It was revolting. Graham Whelan did the same thing. I remember acknowledging that at the time but not making anymore of it until later years putting it into words.
Repulsive!
G is not these men and I do not think he is like that sexually. At least I don't have evidence of that so far. However, he does enjoy sex and so do I with him. So why not? So long as it's not the only thing between us.

Got to go. Got to got to go
Bliss
XX



 

The Funeral

I was so hurt when D (eldest daughter) informed me that T would not allow me to travel from the house in the car behind the coffin. D explained that T blamed me for my dads hurt over the past 12 years of my absence and for the ways I had been in the past. BLAMED ME!!! Now I truly believe the woman is off balance but this hurt to the core. It was on the tip of my tongue to let D know a few truths from the past. D is so balanced she said she knows that everyone has a part to play. Gosh! I do not not feel I had a greater part to play. I have resentments going way way back and it's difficult to let go of them amidst all this blaming and retaliation. And I delivered my Step 5 on Sunday to my sponsor.
This is so challenging to let go of my resentments. Wow am I being given plenty of opportunity though. Crikey.
Anyhow that was the news given to me on Sunday. The compromise from D and D's battling with their mother was that I could wait outside the church and walk in behind the coffin. I think she is just bloody nasty and unkind.
As it happens M suggested those wonderful friends that were coming to meet me meet at a pub beforehand. it worked well. We met at the Royal Oak (Well recommended) http://www.royaloak-havant.co.uk/index.php
I suggested we meet for lunch. originally I was going to take my own but I didn't in the end. And I ate a menu dish without causing a fuss. It was all fine. I did feel hungry later but it could have been emotional stuff as well.
It was nice M was there, A, G and R, G and he has been a rock this past few weeks. K and her new partner P turned up too. G was clearly anxious beforehand but settled ad his new best friend is P. He made me smile as I asked if he took his number to which G replied "no in that way he can stay my best friend". He is so clever G and creative. I love him to bits. I don't like him for being awkward with me and when he doesn't feel like towards me. Then I think just fuck off and be where you want to be, stop taking it out on me.
Everyone was chatty and getting along as best they could. I felt jealous towards G being very friendly with A. I think A was anxious about it. I mentioned it to G asking if he was flirting with A. He said he feels the affinity of the alcoholic and the difficulty of the day not drinking.
A was great. She next to me in the church.
We arrived as the coffin was arriving. I dumped the car with G to sort it out. I ran down to the entrance in good time. Phew.
T apparently was so distraught she couldn't follow the coffin in. I therefore decided not to anyway.
Mainly because I wanted to ensure I was sitting int he front row. The order of things wasn't how I think it should have been but hey ho! The vicar seemed to look intently at me throughout the service. I wasn't the only one to notice. A M and K noticed too. G didn't.
A woman came over to me and later was talking intently with G and G. They learnt much about T. G discovered that T's mother died when she was 12 yrs old. Also that the kidney problem was widespread int heir family. I don't think we've discovered her reason for difficulty with men. But to be honest I think her difficulty is with people in general. G mentioned something to D (eldest) and he was disappointed in her response. I reminded him that I had been wary all along that despite her sympathy for me she was always her mothers daughter and had never been disloyal to her with carefully chosen words always.
Gosh sitting there in the front row with A next to me and K next to her, with G R M and G behind me too, I started shaking and I just could not stop. I thought at first I was creating the shakes but I had not control over them. I was so very conscious of everyone behind me. I didn't want to cry I wanted to be utterly motionless and dignified. Feelings of anger, hurt and loss flicked by me. memories seemed to be flicking through as well. All sorts of thoughts and feelings. I managed to stop the shakes by taking time out in meditation. Occasionally I remembered what my sponsor had said "take God's hand". Thank goodness for fellowship, recovery tools, God and meditation. Thank goodness for my friends and friends of my dads.
I wanted everyone to be on my side. But I was able to simply be friendly and chat with people. I had a role after all, the daughter of the deceased. I had a purpose to be sociable. It's so not easy to be sociable and chat to people as simply me.
Anyway there were so many people at the church who briefly came over. I'm glad they did as I wouldn't have had time to get to them otherwise.
Not everyone came to the other place with the ticky tacky foodstuff. G mentioned that it is where AA meetings are held. It made me smile. I heard him mention it to P too so I wasn't so worried when I answered K's question as to where we met and I said in the fellowship. She nodded but may not have even known what I meant. Oh well!
I wasn't willing to speak to T as she sat. She was surrounded initially by the HAC chaps. I wondered if that was always a plan. Military men have such a code of etiquette. A couple of the men I had never heard mention of before. But PW and JH were there. Old old friends of my dads. I will contact PW as he was in Korea with my dad and maybe I can get some of the truth. I hope so.
PW is unwell himself and afraid he won't be coming out of hospital on Tuesday. I will phone him on Saturday.
JH suggested I get a copy of one of my dads HAC books. He asked T on my behalf noticing that there was a distance between us. She said categorically NO! I know I am going to struggle to get some of the possessions I would like to own. There is the painting on the wall, the medals, the Chinese figures that my mum gave him, there is the ivory peacock and a little shooting trophy. I don't why I want these things. They are material things that on the one hand I despise and yet want on the other hand. it's strange.
Anyhow I was a bit gossipy. I wish I hadn't been. I know I was and realised I was at the end of the evening back home with G. It's a way of venting.

He had a wicker coffin. Most surprising. But then again my dad would occasionally do something that seemed completely out of the blue and out of character. It would cripple me to think it was all her choice after all. The reading made me vomit - talk of arms being all around for ever.
The reading from St John was nicer - Chapter 14 I think. I will re-read it I think.
The service was nicely done overall, short. Then he was buried. I would have liked him to be near my mum. It is frightening the power of these second families. Now she is his next of kin she gets to chose everything despite the 41 years I'd already had with him and the 45+ years my mum had had with him. It feels all so unjust. There is so much emotional pain connected with that. I keep trying to remember these are merely thoughts, memories and emotions. It is not what is I. And who is the I that is thinking it is not I anyway. As says Jetsunma (Tenzin Palmo)

 

I am deeply blessed with the people in my life right now. These friends that were there with me today were just incredible. All but K knew my dad. A and G had a brief encounter with him. They were there for me. And how easy it is for me to focus on the people that weren't there for me or only me. These people were. Ad that is incredible. Please God take care of these incredible people. They are towers of strength for me. I pray for them God and trust that you know what is best for them. Help them in their own struggles and carry them to soul happiness please.
And for T I pray for her God putting her in your hands. Especially in her grief. Please too take my prayer for D and D. They need your support, I get a strong sense of that.
I hope my dad has found his way to you. I wouldn't want for him to be a lost soul. I think he's been floundering for long enough. God please help him find his way to you now.
For those people that may think I am religious, this is not a religious God I pray to. It is the Universe, the energy that is the Universe. I don't believe in anyone thing or revere. I do though know there is Power greater than only one single thing. It is us, the collective, the world and everything on it and beyond into the Universe. I think that includes an interconnection of time too. So people live on and through. I have no idea if there is a place for souls, we won't know unless there is and we are there but I don't believe that will be as the I if there is such a thing. But it's scary thinking like that because then I doesn't exist and what is it within this skin of cells?
Well I'm going into work late but that does mean I need to get ready now. Prep my food, wash and dress and leave by 9:30. It is possible to do at 8:22.
I would rather just relax at home, feeling all my bones tensed and muscles taught.
I'm tired, emotionally, physically and mentally. I may go to a meeting this evening but may not. Perhaps I'll simply chill for w while with the B's A, G and R of she's there.
And then home. I'm off for my study day tomorrow which I need to confirm with PD. He is struggling with my weekly study day.
I have an essay to do and haven't started the reading. I want to get the chapter read tomorrow. it's a tall order but if I don't then I won't get back to it to comprehend it enough for the essay. I want to read the fist chapter as well. Although I know it basically I don't know it well.
So off to prep food.
Thanks for being there
Bliss
xx


 

It Will Become Clear

Dont' analyse things. The simplicity is just stop asking why, it's just about allowing myself to be in the day. Go with it, don't do anything impulsively.
My feelings are frozen today and just let it be okay not to know how I feel.
I've been in a whirlwind. And then I start thinking about all the things that were so nice about the relationship, it's like a food thought. I can't afford to go there.
I'm shocked by how much I don't tell people. This illness is cunning and baffling. Universe please help me.
Universe I pray for my dad and for T, his wife. I pray for G. I pray for M who seems quite content really right now. I pray for this world that is being blistered and punctured by us humans living life in a way that I seem to think is unconsciously. Me included. I pray for the women in India who it seems are so vulnerable and the women in some Arab states too that they may have freedom. In fact I pray for any people oppressed in some ways and ridden with fears. I pray for me to be free of my fears some of them irrational.
Universe please show me how to be for the best of living life on this planet.

I have been struggling with my sense of my HP. I can see as I was talking about it this morning that it's another thing that I was metamorphosing into G. Taking on his attachment as my own. Is this so that he would approve of me? Or is it that my own beliefs can seem so flimsy. Often I think I must be wrong when people are so fervently critical. G was fervently critical of others and I didn't want him to be so critical of me. Yet I didn't like his criticism, his non-acceptance of others. I was prepared to overlook that or so I thought for what else seemed so good. What a remarkable man he is you see. I was charmed by his knowledge of wild flowers and the birds. It was charming to see his interest in such elements of our world and seem to care so much about it. But in return he didn't care for humans at all. I can see how and why, knowing his childhood story. He has been abandoned beyond anything loving. Abandoned by his mother into a social system that left children to the hands of care homes with little more than a roof over his head. Details of his story have left my heart hurting at times ad I think I wanted to show him that there is something different ad yet in the end he has got exactly the same thing. That is surely as a result of both of our negativity's. It was almost inevitable and actually he questioned whether anything could be different. He questioned whether people can change fundamentally. I wonder the same thing although I believe some things do change if I put the effort into the things that work. Such as the Steps. G doesn't continue to work with a sponsor or continue working the steps in any formal fashion. Perhaps he's right in that you don't need to be doing any theoretical work around the steps. I'm sure he told me that he did step 4 and 5 but did not go further than that. I hear his lack of faith or interest in the rooms. He hates meetings and the majority of the people in the rooms. He gets to care for a few people. He did care for me and I regret that he will now hold hatred for me as he does so many other people. I regret that so very much. All I really want is to show him love and friendship. The only way I've known how to do this throughout my life is to be so totally involved. I gave myself totally, money, time, space, history, bodily in an effort to show that there was something else. And yet that total giving resulted in exactly the opposite; anger, abandonment, disapproval, feeling trapped and wings clipped.
I am stunned at how little I talk to anyone about details. So I lent G £240 to get his tyres repaired. I do not have enough money for a washing machine and at times can't afford my bills and yet I lent the money freely. Part of it was because he was not doing anything about his tyres and just staying here day after day, night after night. I thought once the tyres were repaired he would return home some nights. Not at all. He did go and visit Mrs E and the dogs as soon as he could but not home. I was beginning to realise it was easier to stay here than return to his Pit. Or so I wondered. That seed was sown with that thought and then I wasn't sure that he wanted to be here because of me but because he was avoiding.
The whole blame of acceptance of people as they are and yet not being walked over has been highlighted to me. It's okay to work at accepting people as they are but where do I come into that Universe. Can you show me please? There was a lesson to be learnt about this but it's not yet clear to me what I have learnt. I feel guilty somewhat for finally cracking and ending the relationship even though I asked him the question "is this definitely over then?". He said yes and it's good that he will think he made that final decision although it will leave him angry with me. There is some dignity in it as it was all amidst a lot of anger. His pride will not let him contact me I feel certain but what about the money he owes me and my front door key. I would like that all back if at all possible. Universe I have to hand that over to you. Once again please show me what I need to do.

There was a comment made in the film the Life of Pi that I saw in 3D with M yesterday -"life is about letting go". I drove from Brighton to Chichester where M had very kindly looked after LouLou for me whilst I attended the Brighton FA meeting. Gosh was I glad to get there and be at the meeting. I wasn't sure what would happen afterwards as I rather hoped I could meet with my dad. However, he and I didn't make contact until later when he told me that he wouldn't be able to meet as he felt too unwell. I felt sad and relieved as I was fearing his anger at me not be available in the morning. But as the fear subsided and the relief too at being let off the hook for double booking the morning the hurt was there. I am scared. Afraid that he is dying and all the unsaid things and unfinished business. A lot of my excuse for staying away has been the fabrication of a sexually abusive childhood. There were things that happened but I've definitely exaggerated that and that's an awful thing to do. I have not admitted that before. There were indeed strange things that shouldn't have happened. The worst of them being when my mum was away and I was lying on the settee. He tickled my back and wanted to know where I felt twinges. Then he told me to turn over and he tickled my breasts ad got might close to the lower regions. I was horrified that I let him. I was only in early stages of developing breasts so I believe I was about 13. But I've exaggerated other things like the playing in the bath. I do remember fear of him turning me upside down to dry me and patting my fanny. And games of "touched your arse" and exhausting me by fighting with me. He was always aggressive and strict, super strict. How can I tell anyone that I've exaggerated this. I stayed away in the name of this but actually what was really happening was bad enough. His manner with me, he did used to spy on me, he did read letters and diaries and mock or taut me with them.
Anyone reading this will probably be horrified to know that I've exaggerated the excess of sexual abuse. I felt I had to to justify my hatred and fear of him. Yet what was really going on was horrible enough. He did always toy with other women. He was always rude to and about my mum. There was always arguments between them with him trying to control her. There was always a battle with me with him trying to control me. I was never good enough and he did disparage me continually directly to me or indirectly but in front me when other people where there. I never could live up to his expectations, he was always disappointed in me. And I started to fulfil that prophecy. I have never felt good enough or capable. Too at, too ugly, too thick, too clumsy, too everything negative.
The one thing he did for me directly was support my interest in horses and horse riding. I will always be grateful for that. We did at times have closeness. It was usually when I was agreeing with his bigoted views. He hated anyone and everyone but hated people even more if they were of a different creed or orientation or age or wealth/class or ethnic origin or anything really that was different from him. He admired money and education but would grow to hate those people too. No one ever could maintain his expectation and would eventually fall foul of his hatred.
He never liked anyway we lived or anything we did. He was always moaning about my mum. Yet he did support her career and her travelling.
He worked hard and provided. He was devastated by his business mistake. His perfectionism was challenged and his error evident to all. It left hi with a lot of debt. It was an error of judgement that's all but it crippled his pride.
It was a tumultuous childhood and I am a very sensitive person. Probably over sensitive. I didn't think things were bad enough to justify being such a fucked up person. And when I hear some people's stories like G's I had it really easy by comparison. I truly did. Yet still an addict and still blaming and excusing my bad behaviours because of my childhood. Phew I have a lot to answer for. I would like to make amends with my dad but first I have to get honest with my sponsor about the exaggeration. And then I have to not minimise the sexual abuse that was there. It was inappropriate. All the innuendo's they were endless ad embarrassing. He was always inappropriate with my childhood and later teen friends. And even later my grown up friends. It would revolt me. He was inappropriate with women in general. His rule to me was not to drop my knickers and yet he was inappropriately fiddling with me and sexually suggestive all the time. He used to spy through the door cracks on me. I was terrified of going to bed. These things were real. I mist not undermine them.
Phew. What could I say to my dad Universe? What do I need to do here.
I need to make my call to the AWOL now.

Okay made the call and enjoyed the AWOL. I shared almost at the beginning which was surprising for me. And I shared truthfully. It was about Blind Spots - the defects that we cannot yet see. I believe that life will bring awareness of the blind spots and all I have to do is show up for life and be honest. I have become so shocked at the amount of things and thoughts and feelings that go on and I don't talk to anyone about them. I believe that some of this will be a life of being an only child. I had lots of thoughts and conversations with myself. There was no one to share all this with and so I didn't it. It was absolutely the norm for me.  I want to learn to be totally open. That is going to take practice. I don't talk about things but not intentionally.

Anyway yet again I need to learn to let go. I feel immense sadness at the loss of the remarkable man G is. I am relieved not to have to deal with the things that were not pleasant to be around. It's not a criticism of him but things that i simply could not deal with. The other woman, the silences and moodiness, the sulks, the lack of trust in me. The anger levels and resentments that he didn't want to let go of. The grudges that I am no doubt one of now. The anger at the fellowship and judgements of people. Hatred for certain races. There were a number of things. Oh laziness of work and taking responsibility. These things were intolerable for me in the end. He knew that would happen. A self fulfilling prophecy was borne. I wanted to try and do things differently and with some things he didn't - resulting in the inevitable end as he predicted. His anger towards me saying that he didn't believe me about me and men was totally unfounded. After attending a meeting in Winchester he had decided that I was not trustworthy. I had talked to his friend, I had talked with a guy he had introduced me who had relapsed. He gave me silent treatment when we got home. I went to bed and then there were sulks int he morning. That was the final straw for me and after all the week of more and more contact with Mrs E etc I just did not want anymore of it. I asked him to leave he got angry and that was that. He left without giving me my key, without giving me £10 he had borrowed the evening before for tobacco and without shutting the door. That hurts! And without returning the £240 for the tyres that were slashed when he was first staying. I had written that off anyway but it leaves me very short and I cannot afford a washing machine. Silly me. (I think I've already written this)
Lots to learn. And that's the truth of it. Another experience that has shown me many things. I regret that I have lost what was pleasant connection before.

Insight will come out of these whirlwinds. God uses everything and doesn't waste anything. I believe both these statements to be true. In conversation with H, Melbourne Australia this was highlighted. My sponsor had already said that everything will become clear. And I read a weekend magazine earlier that also had a page saying that Everything will become clear. It will. I know.

Not to mention all the comments on the AWOL about how things will present themselves all in good time.
So I visited S and C whose house I will be sitting whilst they are away. I met R who is their foster child. She is 21 and soon to be moving on. She seems established an easily manageable. There is also P staying with them. He is in AA too but staying there without too many people knowing. I recall him now. G would have hated that idea. He wasn't keen on staying there. He agreed to but I feel sure that just as he did with Christmas and Boxing Day, agreed then found ways to do what he wanted anyway. Another thing about him, his unfriendliness towards people. How could I ever include him with my friends. I am a sociable person. It reminded me of my mum and dad. he was always moaning and created hell whenever my mum wanted to socialise. Oh it was so right to be out of that.

Life of Pi





While travelling on a boat from India to Canada, Pi (Sharma), his family and all the animals from their zoo are thrown to the sea in a terrible storm. Only Pi survives, drifting for weeks in a lifeboat with the dubious company of a vicious tiger as both fight for survival.
I would give it 3 out of 5. It was twee yet beautiful too. I loved the possibility of it all being a fabrication or analogy for humans trying to survive. The idea of a monster bringing out the monster in someone else interested me. Do I bring out the monster in people which brings out the monster in the other person and so on. I want to step away from my monster.

Cast Irrfan Khan Tabu Suraj Sharma Adil Hussain.

Directors Ang Lee.

Screenwriters David Magee.  Cutter's Way A film from 1981 Interestingly the film nearly got discarded. However some good reviews saved it's day. I gave it 3.75 - it's slightly dated. Cast Jeff Bridges John Heard Lisa Eichorn Ann Dusenberry Directors Ivan Passer Screenwriters Jeffrey Alan Fiskin Bliss XX

Ultimatacular

This addiction is so evident to me. I put down food and the self-hatred, the negativity, the dishonesty os suddenly clear and exposed. But then having put down the food, fantasy and men are the next pick up.
As pointed out yesterday my by temproary sponsor (whilst my sponsor is away on holiday) sitting chatting and texting is a way of dating and I have a commitment to not dating.
DOH!
So here we go again, the need to pull back and that means having to say something. It feels so flipping ridiculous and annoying and extreme. At the same time the craziness has begun in my head. And I am encouraging the dating rather than discouraging it. My denial kicks in saying it is only friendship and I can manage this. All I need to do is be clear with him that I get easily confused and by liking him I need to be clear that this is really friendship because I cannot start any kind of "dating". Then the dreams started this morning. Because the longing is there for someone, just to have closeness and be held. And I was shown, thank you God, the pain from the longing, the insecurity, the confusion, the embarrassment, the shame. I really like G as a person, just as I really like JH and JB as people. But the pia starts when they are not the person I want them to be. And I get myself all involved before giving myself a chance to discover whther they are or not. They are all lovely, wonderful people. But that is as far as it needs to go. It is interesting chatting with G but this excessive chatting is not normal. The chaos begins when it's hours upon hours and I start to exaggerate this version of me. I want to appear funny and nutty and interesting and intelligent. I am interested in the things he is talking about and try to respond with things I am interested in and he's not really interested in those things. So I will mould myself to be interested in his things. It's started already you see. And then I wonder what his relationship is with all these other women. You see the signs are there too. Yes he befriends men but he also befriends women and is eyeing them up in the meetings. He told me so. I know it and justify it saying well that's just human. But he befriends women - casually going about his way to be friendly with newcomers, faces that are new to him anyway. He hadn't realised when he first met me that I had been in the rooms longer than little while. I wasn't a newcomer.
However I am really. I am new to a fuller recovery. I am vulnerable. I know that and he doesn't.
So I need to say that it may sound very weird but right now I am committed to not dating. And whilst it is porbably the furthest thing from his mind, what we've been doing, i.e. chatting for hours is laying havoc in my head. I am turning into all sorts of other things so for the time being will need to stop it. And return to jst being friendly and chat in and around the meetings.

Gosh! It seems so extreme and also I'm fed up with having to do this. The escalation is all part of the intrigue and excitement that ultimately takes me away from me in a most spectacular way.
Now why would I enter into all of this again? Well it's the power of this addiction I have, this illness ad the fact is that I am mentally ill. I enter into things despite knowing the probably outcomes. I celverly minimise the actions and justify the behaviours. I quickly forget the dramatic effects of the last relationship. I am nowhere near eady and want to get through the AWOL and gain a stronger more loving and respectful sense of self. During the conversation last evening I was thinking about ways of creating other types of dates such as going to visit plaes togeter - based on his interests of meditation and Buddhism and learning. And then thinking about inviting him for a walk with LouLou. It's all the little hooks I throw out. I want to stop.
Writing this here certainly exposes me. How ugly I feel and do not want this to be a repartee. I need to commit to my recovery. I do commit but I am scared of making it happen now.
I do not want to create a situation of rejection and abandonment. I do want to be heard and understood. God I do not have that power. Please can you guide me here.
I was thinking yesterday that I simply needed to be clear of my boundaries but I didn't say anything and I carried on the conversation into the early hours despite thinking I need to go to bed, despite nearly fallling asleep on the phone, despite knowing that this was contra to my commitment.
I am ashamed yet also know this is the full power in place. Give this addictive part of em room to wriggle and away I go.
I am talking about it and keeping it in the fore. God please please help me to find the strength.

Speaking with S (temproary sponsor) it was so easy to be honest. Except I didn't say I was up until 2am talking because that is absolute evidence that this is more than just a friendly chat. I can dress it up how I like but that is not usual. Not in my own standards anyway. So S suggested that I say to him aside from a meeting that I am realising I'm liking him more than I should. And at the moment I need to back off from that. I am afraid that by saying this he will feel rejected and abandoned because those have been his issues. And as S pointed out this is the craziness becoming evident, already thinking about and worrying aout how he will recieve something I have said. And also there I was looking for a little gift for him to touch him because I noted that things like that are things that stay with him.
It's for these reasons that I cannot be in any sort of relationship. All the mad thinking kicks in so instantly. Ad it shows how subtle this illness I have is - just talking with him and nothing more has provoked all of this in me. It's probably not even crossed his mind and even if it has then his actions are all OK. It's me that has this problem and it's me that has to address it. I should not have encouraged the calls in the first place and now having done so and enabled this lengthy conversations I have to bring it to a close. I wonder God if there is a simpler way of doing this. For instancce I can say I will have to knock the late and long calls on the head.
S reminded me I simply need to move away from the madness. I do not need to give myself a hrd time but I do need to take this seriously.
Step Two:
"We believe and know from experience that a Power greater than ourselves can remove thisobsession, straighen the twisted thinking, and restore the alcoholic to sane thought and behaviour"
"the power of resoning is slowly deteriorated. This encourages deception over our real mental health and fitness; it breeds a superior feeling or false security."
These were the keys from yesterdays AWOL. And the sharing really helped. L spoke about having put down the food she picks up men. She has just started dating and she's several years in recovery. But already there are issues and thankfully she has the esteem and strength to work through it. See G meet a man and start dating and then getting more serious then he ended it - she has to have a strong recovery to get through that. I admire her as I would be in pieces. So I cannot afford to even venture down that path of potential.
S reminded me to share it which I have done - two calls I've mentioned. Well one call and text conversation with T via Viber. I will make another call. I will take some more quiet time. I am writing about it honestly. Do I need to mention it to M?
I will and know that I will get some critique that is not comfortable to recieve from her. It always feels like I've done something really bad. Actually do I really need to put myself in that line of fire?
I'm not sure. I am not having so much contact because I am feeling drained by myself in the regular contact. She will see the contact with G as the reason. It is completely disconnected regards to her but maybe the lack of contact with her leaves a gap that he can wriggle into unknowingly.
I like the lengthy conversations mulling over ideas and beliefs and gaining understanding. But there aren't many people who want to do that. M would but I have stopped because it becomes contentious. I can listen but then the conversatons are M focused often. I don't necessary want to mull over what's going on for me as I do feel criticised. I am not sure that I am being criticised but I get told what to do. I don't really know how to say that I don't want feedback right now becaue she has got so offended by A and S around that. But I now know what and why they did that.
So there is room for a person to step in and hey presto it happens to be a man at the same time who I enjoy the company of. Dangerous combo mixed in with my addictive self.
So here is my mulling over space. And there are plenty of people to call too.

And then I wonder what it really is I'm escaping. It is light relief from the exhaustion of work, the anxiety of studying, the hurt connected with my dad and the fear of him dying. It is the shame of my greed in worrying that should my dad die first there is a battle to be had with T and do I really feel ready for that yet wanting the dough. Ugh! He's not even dead. I hate this sort of thing in me.
It is the avoidance of housework and organising my life and weekly chores to be done and never being done. It is an irritability with M and A recently. Perhaps that's hormones connected too. Some place for that irritable energy to fall.
It is worry about LouLou getting older. It is financial worries. The extra work I am doing is exhausting and yet it's that that keeps me afloat or rather keeps the things going that I want to have like high phone bills, trips to London and galleries, the odd book here and there that never ever gets read.
Oh and I have the ever outstanding accreditation dissertation.
Yep all of these things are easily left behind when flirting. It's nice attention when I want to be feel wanted and adored. I need to find love and respect for myself so that I need that less and less.

Bliss
XX

Moral laws

Submit to the moral laws of honesty, purity, unselfishness and love or you will be broken. Disaster is a surety if you are dishonest, impure, selfish and unloving. You will suffer the consequences.
Through dishonesty I always suffer the consequences of disquiet and fear. When selfish it just feels painful because I am only worried about what is happening to me. The focus is on me and what's lacking or what's wrong. I can counter this with gratitude and drop the selfishness, consider other people. And as for impurity, well this could be related to the deceit of not telling people what I'm doing for the purpose of hiding to ensure I get what I want. What is impurity of it isn't the other things already mentioned here? Manipulation is dishonesty, liking people for who they are or what they can offer is dishonest. Is this impurity? I'm not sure about impurity because all of the others strike me as impurity.
This morning I had another cry. Yesterday my dad phoned me. He is still in hospital. He didn't want to go into any detail. He said he had cellulitis. I looked this up and it can be serious but is it that for my dad? It's just hard to know what the truth is with him. Is he dramatising things because it can't be mediocre with him or is he hiding the seriousness? To keep me away? To protect me? What is it?
I am scared that something might happen I won't have seen him alive for months. I feel so very, very sad at this thought and the thought of all the years in angst with him. Keeping me away. All the years of his angst with me driving me away. It's all so futile in the light of mortality, of pending death. God, what is it all about, really? Please can you guide me God. I want to go an visit him because I care and he matters despite all of our differences. I am trying to respect his wishes. He doesn't like being fussed over in his hospital bed. I can understand that. It's demeaning for him. He does not think about others and why should he. I'm trying to consider him. But bloody hell it hurts to be kept away and I am so so scared. It makes it worse not really knowing the full extent of his situation. And he says T is getting worse. Is she? Or is he dramatising that? What is the truth God. I just have to take it at face value. And wait and see. I wonder if Nina knows. I wonder if I should call her? God what do you want me to do here?
I have a lot of forgiveness for him. I hope that he knows this. I hope that he knows I love him too. If he calls again I will tell him. Why didn't I tell him yesterday? I didn't because it leaves me vulnerable and sad and hurt. I am crying as I write this.
All day yesterday I was wanting something. What I really want is my dad. And that I can't have and I don't think I've had since I was a little girl. Even then it was corrupted. I think he really did love me though. I don't know if he loves me now or if it's a duty thing. I love him and still want him to love me. Gosh! It hurts.
I absolutely link this wanting to be wanted by him with wanting to be wanted by men in general. It would make me feel as if I'm an OK person. And yet it really doesn't. It turns into something so horrible. I wonder if I can ever get beyond that? I would only want to be with someone now who can live by the spiritual and moral laws and honour me within that and for me to be able to honour them. I don't want it any other way. Anything else is too painful and I do not want to be that person.
I think the path is narrowing and narrowing. My feelings around my friends are altering. It's hard staying me amidst them which is hurtful to realise.
Wow! I've just said to an FAer that called that I don't really need feedback. She wanted to give it to me anyway ad I said I know I know E and tight now I'm just feeling and that's OK. I have a lot of understanding.
I am very scared that my dad will die without me having seen him. And already having verbalised that a couple of times it already feels a little easier to say. It is a possibility that just a few moments ago I didn't want to be true. I want it to be changed and different. Things are as they are.
It is tragically sad that there is so much unloving amidst humans. We are here for such a short time together and then we die and all the angst was pointless. Dad I hope you know I love you. I hope you know I'm sorry for so much. I hope you know that I forgive all the confusion and messiness. I hope you know I have at least some understanding. I hope you know that I wish you nothing but a peaceful heart.


Unmanageability -
things I didn't intend doing but ended up doing
things I intended doing and didn't do

Step 12 can be a look at the subtle differences between selfishness and unselfishness, honesty and dishonesty, purity and impurity, control and letting go, jealousy and envy,

Yes all these things that I wonder the meaning and the middle road.

A lot of people in 12 Step recovery talk about events in their childhood that have been difficult. The Jesuits said "show me the child at 7 years old and I'll show you the man"
Is that really what the saying is? It makes sense. I think if we can see the influences on the child at that age then we can start to see what might emerge as they move through into adulthood. The teenage years will probably give even more insight as there could by chance be some other influence at another very sensitive age.
As discussed with G this morning, I do not believe that nature exists without nurture and vice versa. G seems to feel strongly that he is not born with the "disease" of addiction. Whether it is a disease or not is still out with the jury. It is something we humans seem to have in an increasing number of people I would say. It's a little like anything, such as Cancer, heart weaknesses, depression, anything, there could be a predisposition towards all of these things and then something in the environment could be the trigger. This is not certain so far but evidence can suggest that this is likely. Equally there is evidence that questions the theory. There are some conditions that are most certainly genetic, i.e hereditary and as such that meas that anything could be. Maybe this is what the Buddhists were interpreting from long ago that actually we have all lived before our lies and bring with us the legacy of our genetics and family history. perhaps environmental circumstances would strengthen the hold of the genetic lineage. Who really knows? The fact is that here I am with this "illness". The evidence shows that I've got it through the consequences and inability to stop, especially for me with my food.
Baltasar Gracian a Spanish Jesuit in the early 1600's, (Jesuit meaning men of a particular order who took on extreme orders to follow their faith) allegedly made this comment.
There are two ways I can take this. One is to give the child over and hen they can be shaped. Or let me see the child and the ways in which they are living and he future is predictable for them. Is it that predictable though? Other things can happen along they way that could influence the later outcomes and indeed things can happen in this moment of adulthood that can alter the direction again. Fundamentally there is a cert personality that i guess remains fairly consistent. A great area of study that I didn't really appreciate when I did study. it. Fascinating.
Now I need a wee wee ad then a stroll with LouLou I think. I feel sleepy so I do not feel inclined to go visiting C in Winchester or anyone else. I was thinking cinema and was considering contacting M but then it's a journey and petrol and expense. I can't afford it. I wish I could do 20mins of my accreditation document. why can't I get on with it?
I am feeling sleepy. It will be nice to just laze again. I did that yesterday too. I don't think I went to bed so late either. So it's surprising.
I must phone C and say I won't be over and A too. Or maybe I should make the effort for at least a walk. OK lets see what she's up to.

Lot's of ideas jotted down here and probably in random directions. I'd also like to do some more writing. I have this idea of a short story but don't where it's going. So perhaps if I used the OU course I could do some of that this afternoon. That's what I'd really like to do so I'm going to. After all next week my course starts. And really I should be getting my desk read for that. It's a mess in my flat. I just want all the bits gone but then I want them again at some stage in the future. I need a shelving unit in the cupboard to be able to store all the little things in plastic boxes for easy access.
I need a lot of organising.

Bliss
XX



 

TIQ

I noticed this morning that I was quite intolerant with L. But realising it helped me to invited God in and the rest of the day was different. She certainly seems different, not so critical.
It does help that I am much less intense, light and breezy whilst also stating my opinion and ideas. Then remaining open and receptive.
This evening I met with JH and his children for dinner. The George was pretty good actually. East Meon. They were very good at providing my abstinent food.
The conversation mainly centred around JH's children. That was OK.
I feel some sadness. Sad that JH wasn't the person I hoped he would be when I first started feeling more for him than the sordid underworld we indulged in.
I am aware that I can still feel easily excited by that dark behaviour but I want better for myself. And I also am not interested in a relationship where there are other women. So it was certainly right to go our separate ways. But of course the nice things are still nice. Honesty is so critically important.
And on this matter it makes me smile. I was talking with M prior to meeting JH and didn't tell her. I have sine told her and she said she could sense something was not right but didn't know what. Now she does.
I am full of fear of judgement and taking responsibility leave some vulnerable to being criticised. I am gradually getting there. The funny thing is that on many. many levels I am honest and decent. I am honourable and trustworthy in many areas. But create this distrust when fears stop me being honest. It is such a mental illness.
Interesting how JH thought there is a bigger problem in the UK with alcohol. Who really knows but what I do know is that there are NA and AA meetings in abundance all over the world. But that's to deal with addition. Not everyone is an addict yet abuses alcohol. I guess those people that continue when others stop and trudge through consequences, then there is an addiction problem.
It's interesting how there is a derogatory tone that emanates from many people talking about alcohol use without knowing the illness of addiction.
And it's not just about the alcohol or the drug. The illness involves dishonesty, negativity, self-hatred, self-centredness, and more.
It's all of these things that need addressing just as much as the substance or addictive behaviour i.e. gambling, food, and more.
But these cannot be worked on until the initial mind-altering behaviour is abstained from.

It irritates me that L uses the TIQ thingy she reads out. It's inaccurate. It has some truths but the research has far disproven some of what is being advocated and also enhanced on some ideas too.
I am not asked for an opinion about these things so no longer give them. It also puts and emphasis on blaming something. Anyway it's done and that' s that. Thank goodness I can also be opened minded and recognise that it does seem to help some people. Anything that lightens the path so that someone might take it is goo news.
And after all I am constantly wanting her to buy something.

Right I'm off to bed.
Thank you God for a day of abstinence. Thank you God for highlighting my truth and how much I need to take responsibility for it on all occasions. Learning, learning, learning. And as that's my passion what more could a weekend bring. Despite some fatigue here and there.

Bliss
XX

More on humility

Humility for Today

by Bill W.

AA Grapevine, June 1961

There can be no absolute humility for us humans. At best, we can only glimpse the meaning and splendor

of such a perfect ideal. As the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" says: "We are not saints. . .we claim spiritual

progress rather than spiritual perfection." Only God Himself can manifest in the Absolute; we human

beings must needs live and grow in the domain of the relative. We seek humility for today.

Therefore our practical question is this: "Just what do we mean by 'humility for today' and how do we know

when we have found it?"

We scarcely need be reminded that excessive guilt or rebellion leads to spiritual poverty. But it was a very

long time before we knew we could go even more broke on spiritual pride. When we early AAs got our

first glimmer of how spiritually prideful we could be, we coined this expression: "Don't try to get too

damned good by Thursday!" That old-time admonition may look like another of those handy alibis that can

excuse us from trying for our best. Yet a closer view reveals just the contrary. This is our AA way of

warning against pride-blindness, and the imaginary perfections that we do not possess.

Now that we no longer patronize bars and bordellos; now that we bring home the pay checks; now that we

are so very active in AA; and now that people congratulate us on these signs of progress--well, we naturally

proceed to congratulate ourselves. Yet we may not be within hailing distance of humility. Meaning well,

yet doing badly, how often have I said or thought, "I am right and you are wrong," "My plan is correct and

yours is faulty," "Thank God your sins are not my sins," "You are hurting AA and I'm going to stop you

cold," "I have God's guidance, so He is on my side." And so on, indefinitely.

The alarming thing about such pride-blindness is the ease with which it is justified. But we need not look

far to see that this deceptive brand of self-justification is a universal destroyer of harmony and of love. It

sets man against man, nation against nation. By it, every form of folly and violence can be made to look

right, and even respectable. Of course it is not for us to condemn. We need only investigate ourselves.

How, then, can we do more and more about reducing our guilt, rebellion and pride?

When I inventory such defects, I like to draw a picture and tell myself a story. My picture is that of a

Highway to Humility, and my story is an allegory. On one side of my Highway, I see a great bog. The

Highway's edge borders a shallow marsh which finally shelves down into that muddy morass of guilt and

rebellion in which I have so often floundered. Self-destruction lies in wait out there, and I know this. But

the country on the other side of the road looks fine. I see inviting glades, and beyond them great mountains.

The countless trails leading into this pleasant land look safe. It will be easy, I think, to find one's way back.

Together with numbers of friends, I decide to take a brief detour. We pick our path and happily plunge

along it. Elatedly, somebody soon says, "Maybe we'll find gold on top of that mountain." Then to our

amazement we do strike gold--not nuggets in the streams, but fully minted coins. The heads of these coins

each declare, "This is pure gold--twenty-four carats." Surely, we think, this is the reward for our patient

plodding back there in the everlasting brightness of the Highway.

Soon, though, we begin to notice the words on the tails of our coins, and we have strange forebodings:

Some pieces carry rather attractive inscriptions. "I am Power," "I am Acclaim," "I am Wealth," "I am

Righteousness," they say. But others seem very strange. For example: "I am The Master Race," "I am The

Benefactor," "I am Good Causes," "I am God." This is very puzzling. Nevertheless we pocket them. But

next come real shockers. They read: "I'm Pride," "I'm Anger," "I'm Aggression," "I'm Revenge," "I'm

Disunity," "I'm Chaos." Then we turn up a single coin--just one--which declares: "I am the Devil himself."

Some of us are horrified and we cry, "This is fool's gold, and this is a fool's paradise--let's clear out of

here!"

Smidgenless control

Of course, you can't control other people, Bliss. Not even a little; not a smidge. Every man and woman is their own sailing vessel powered by their own thoughts, emotions, and imagination. You can't improve their smile, nor even add to their woes, unless, at some level, they let you.
So, does that pretty much clear up the effect others can have on you?
You rule,
    The Universe

Perfectly - now I know that intellectually but putting in the action to follow up my knowledge, well that's another thing all together. And so much harder to do when I'm tired. I have no business being tired and need to get to bed earlier. That's insanity - knowing I need sleep and pushing it to way beyond the limits.
Universe please help me find the willingness to go to bed early. I get resentful as I arrive home late from work, prepare my meals for the next day and then want to sit and do me things which means I go to bed way later than I need to. I need to find a way to accept this is the way tings are and get to bed early anyway. Well being first, which means letting go of desires.

Thanks
Bliss

xx

Yielding

My reply to someone else's thoughts .....

On the other hand - making oneself vulnerable is not about being vulnerable to more harm. That's already done and you are bringing the fear of that into today.
I do think it means taking risks with people and being honest and only then is it possible to get support and find out that your feelings can be heard and held. Of course this means being discerning but it also means taking risks with those people. You will have some degree of knowing that you can trust that person and then it's fear that's standing in your way.
The little I do know about your past suggests to me that you have been deeply wounded and with that comes a deep fear. You may not recognise it as fear, I don't know but that's what I see Valentine. Trust me, there are people who can hold your fear and your anger and your sadness and any other emotion. What they can't hold of course is all the ways and defences you have to protect yourself from those feelings.
You know in Tai Chi they teach that to yield to the forces is actually the strength. In other words Step One is about admitting your weakness i.e. you do not have control. And not just over food.
You do not have control about how other people are and how they have injured you. You do not have control over the emotions that those damaging behaviours have on you. You do not have control over the fact that you're a very sensitive being and you do not have control over the fact that you are an addict. Admitting that weakness is the first step. And looking at the chaos that ensues when you try to control it, manipulate it, avoid it, deny it, hide it, re-shape it etc.
I truly understand the fear of revealing all. I was sexually abused by my father and kept that from everyone and anyone until I was 41 years of age. I spent the time from my childhood when I just thought I was a bad person. There are things I remember that to this day make my whole body contort and cringe, like him rubbing himself against me when I was little and in his bed because I'd had a nightmare. Eeek writing that just makes my throat tighten up and areas of my body recoil. I can remember him touching me inappropriately when  my mum was away travelling on business and at that time I was 13 and knew exactly what was happening.
I thought if I told anyone he would get into trouble. Now isn't that crazy from the outside thinker? But I believed it so entirely that I didn't dare tell anyone and cramped it so deep inside me I forgot about it until I was writing my life story in treatment. Suddenly it burst into the forefront of my mind and I wanted to kill the psychiatrist and therapists that were making this thought appear.
Since then little by little I've had therapy and worked on steps etc and each time a little more openness appears.
You know two years ago I git myself involved in my other addictive behaviour sex and love addiction. I was so ashamed I didn't tell my friends. After all what harm was I doing. But as time went on I became suicidal. I had become seriously involved in a man practising BDSM. I became his slave - and the gory details are even more shaming. And he would travel over from Amsterdam every month. I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him. Even now telling you I feel so ashamed of my desperation to be loved and going to any lengths to get that love. And this wasn't the first time. Alongside my food sex and love addiction has escalated and ebbed and waned. I have been married 3 times. 3 times!! I feel so ashamed of that. And each time it was just to try and get them to love me until I found out that I didn't even like them. Valentine this 50 shades of grey has nothing on what I've experienced in my lie. Of my own making. But all rooted in the illness. I have a mental illness and it manifests as addiction. I think it takes a while to get your head around that one - excuse the pun!!
And also was triggered by events of my childhood - betrayal, violation of spiritual rights, disappointment, lack of full nurturing from a father (my mum was fantastic and I know how lucky I have been to at least have one carer who showed me love) - oh and on and on. Those are not the reasons for me being an addict. Addiction is an illness I was born with and it manifested itself with food at an early age and then sex and love and developed into drinking and drugs and many other behavioural addictions. I just could switch them around at will. Appearance of control you see but never really being abstinent from the disease simply the symptoms changed. But then I have these events in life that triggered my attitude, my beliefs, my emotional responses, my thoughts. All were moulded and fashioned that made it easy for the illness to take it's hold and at a very young age, food and sex being the first ones oh and fantasy. I used to eat sweets at twice the rate of my cousin and then be filled with envy at her saving them which I saw as coveting and teasing me. I ended up learning how to sneak some - stealing. Yuch!
This illness is insidious and tells us we cannot reveal ourselves. Experience has shown us that we need to shut down and look after ourselves because those supposedly doing the job just hurt us. So how can we be expected to trust anyone - everyone important has let us down in some way.
The thing is when people tell you being open and honest is being weak, then they are frightened themselves. I have learnt that no one can actually hurt me unless I let them. So my truth is not something that allows them to hurt me it's the patterns of the past that I carry with me.
As I am getting stronger it really doesn't matter what people think unless I make it matter. So whilst I feel ashamed of just a few of the little things I've share with you here I also know that I am OK. I did those things and things happened to me when I had no control. I could have stopped "using" and now I have so some of those things do not ever have to happen again so long as I stay away from the food and sex and love etc. I create choices.
Sometimes  am tempted - just the other day underlying feelings were going on. I didn't really have a clue what was going on but knew something was because I was thinking of texting this man or that man and then when I got to the supermarket I thought fuck it I'm going to have chocolate. That was then loud enough for me to say "hold on, something is amiss here". I didn't notice there was a problem when thinking about the texting as that felt just like some fun and justified.
what is going on is that I feel terrified of the boss-lady coming back next week. And I felt terrified because I had told management I was terrified and they are hopeless so would not handle that in a discrete manner and then I would be punished by the boss-lady. The reality is I've spoken my truth albeit clumsily and imperfectly. As a result there are things happening which haven't been taken seriously for the past 7 months. It's a miracle.
I didn't have to text these men and I didn't have to eat chocolate,.Thankfully my food recovery is in tact and I am learning enough to know that when I want to eat there are emotions going on. In the past the texts would have been sent and the trouble would have been set in motion even if it didn't happen for several months to the scale I can take things. And I would have eaten the entire supermarket stock of flour and sugar products within a week (probably less with the ferocious emotions going on).
I didn't and it's a miracle. I have been talking to people instead. Not entirely satisfactory because people try to fix or their own situations don't perfectly match my own etc etc etc and none of the talking is taking away the problem so what the hell is this all about can kick in. But I trust the programme.
I am ashamed too to admit that I got filmed by the police a few weeks ago - speeding 36 i managed to brake to in a 30. Then bugger me I got caught again this time 40 something in a 30 and still haven't received the paper work. And then despite really being slow I think I may have been caught slowing to 32. What an idiot I can be - that could be 9 points in a matter of 2 weeks!!!
This repercussions though are also on my mind. I cannot afford the points or the fine. The points will mean my insurance premium goes up next year. A lot! Which adds to already planted shame that 2 years ago I told a lie when buying insurance and since then was refused insurance this means that my silly little car is costing a high premium - that really drains my monthly income. All because I lied.
To you it may not seem much but to me the shame the guilt the embarrassment and the self-hatred just piles on. IN the past the weight would have piled on too. But these days I practise sharing everything including all the anger and hatred for my dad.
You know what from the man I wanted to kill and tried to pretend I was chilled with and serene in front of others because I didn't want them to see how ferocious I can be - I actually have some forgiveness for. I never ever wanted to forgive him. Then I didn't know how to forgive him and sometimes now I forget that I do forgive him. There are new memories every so often which floor me. But I am working on that too.

So V I don't know what made me splurge all of this out.
I think it was the identification with thinking that weakness is a bad thing. Strength is gained by accepting weakness. Power is gained by yielding.
I can take a good look at what the consequences are for not accepting or yielding - and see if I am still happier with those consequences. If I'm cool with them then hey crack on.
But I really wasn't. It was no longer about the blame from the past, I could no longer deny that I was creating my own pain and yet still blaming my dad in each of the subtle or not so subtle ways that i could do that. If he hadn't been so cruel to me ...... etc. And of course I looked for bad men because my dad was bad. Well that could stop if I was ready to make changes and it started with the food and removing other behavioural addictions and substances. Then I had to started realising that other people were better practised at making sure they stayed stop so had to let them help me by taking on the suggestions (often reluctantly) - even though I really didn't want them to have control over me.
I would "balk" at many of the suggestions and still do. I am even beginning to take responsibility for my choices i.e. I decided not to stay home for an AWOL call which meant I risked being kicked off if for any fluke I couldn't make it the following week. Yes this was a risk and of course ultimately that could jeopardise my recovery further down the line. Not to mention missing out on some wonderful wisdom shared amongst the people on the AWOL.
But whatever happens I do not want to pick up on my food because it would be just the start of a return to the hell-hole I have crawled from - grimy, slimy and bleak. And a very very small world really. Moments of hedonism can still play euphorically through my thoughts. I just have to remember a few of the consequences when I want to pick up some sugary stuff or some floury stuff. Please God I never go back there. And how grateful I am for each day of abstinence so far. Not because of the food or the weight or the body image although they are important to me too. But for the freedom of  ind and the living to my principles which even as I go along are developing into the person I have truly wanted to be within my soul. I just didn't hear my soul shouting quietly at me. I am beginning to hear. And I smile as I write that.
Wow thank you V for permitting me to write this. It really has helped me enormously.
I hope you are not offended in any way at all. My experience of you so far is inspiring and you are worthy of more than you give yourself. I'm sure you'll have done some shitty things along the way. Well if you're an addict that's almost guaranteed. I did awful things to people and really am so sorry for that. Thank goodness if I stay clean I can choose not to do those kind of things anymore.
And I'm certain that shitty things have been done to you and that is why you are so fragile. I give you a really big friendly hug - don't worry this isn't sex and love addiction playing out - this is genuine empathy and love for a kin.
Thanks for reading this if you've got this far.

Hopefully see you at FA on Saturday.

Bliss
xx