What do I do best?

I'm doubting therapy. After years of it for myself and now years of working in it, I'm doubting it. We are just people who don't know anything supporting people in the shit! It's all techniques devised from people who have looked into people and the way we are and making assumptions and stuff but know nothing really. I'm fascinated by people and what we do and how we do it. But therapy is just people thinking they can help people. And I can listen and love and just be there for people but I cannot solve things for them. There are techniques to help support trauma and anxiety. Some people prescribe pills, some people prescribe CBT, some people prescribe treatment programmes. But every person is different. For addiction there are different ways individuals find to manage their lives and I sit in all honesty not knowing which is the best way for a person and yet there are psychiatrist and therapist who are very set I. What they think is he right way and then opposing views, neither of which come to any agreement. And I sit in a session with a client listening to them try to keep control and if they can why not? And on,y when they can't and can finally see that they can't will they go to radical lengths of abstinence.
I'm having a bit of a crisis I suppose. Questioning what I do and it's real worth.
It leaves me scared because I also love doing what I do and clients appreciate the time to sit and talk about themselves whilst they seek ways to feel better. The best I can do is listen and probe with them but I have this preconception that ultimately they have to learn how to abstain and then they will need support and then the 12 step fellowship is the support that's best.
What do I know? I do know it's been a miracle for me, turning my life around and continues to do so. I'm not even sure I was an alcoholic and yet I can see how drink and drugs were certainly controlling my life but I think I was f...ked up anyway. How or why is not really clear.
I've become a little worried recently as when shopping I've had some loud and more regular than I've had for the past 2 1/2 years of "fuck it". I even sniffed K's alcohol bottles whilst there just to see if I liked the smell. The rum smelt full of sugar. I could smell alcohol and to be honest didn't particularly like the smell. I didn't want to drink it and I didn't want to feel drunk. I do like the idea of a good bottle of wine.
So if I don't practice in therapy God, what do I do? What is my purpose.? I would really like some guidance. I absolutely trust it will be some clear. I think I'm tired of me and tired of travelling and tired of me in conflict with P. He says and does many wonderful things. He also is very directive and I get so irritated when he shuts down feelings. What is that in me God? I'd like to understand me better I suppose. Perhaps I cannot grow whilst I'm attempting to support growth in others. What do I do now God?
I genuinely want to be helping people out of their troubles. Whatever role can I have within that? I also don't want to be so low on money. And I do not there are poorer people than me. I have so much.
I'm feeling low about the way I keep my surroundings. I'd like it to be very different. Minimalist. Clean. I'd like it all white and floaty curtains. Everything out away in neat compartments and organised. Yet I don't want to get rid of things I have that belonged to my mum. Yet they are not in the right place here. I'd like the carpets all gone and the moths to all depart. It's the same feeling with the moths as there was with the mice. They are ruining things and they have control. I have too much stuff and too little space to clear everything out so that I can do the thorough clean required. I'm lazy about this too.
So God what do I do next? I know You'll show me as and when it's appropriate. I am not bolting. I am continuing to show up. However I just have no ideas. Oh do I go for the Priory job? I know I need to write to Lifeworks and tell them I'm actually no longer interested but what do I say after having expressed interest and chased them up.
What do I say and do next God? I need patience and trust that all will become clear.
Am I just in another I'm bored stage and flipping out? The grass is greener type thing?
I hope not but even if I am perhaps that's just my path.
Who knows what's right and therefore I'm finding it difficult to be I. An environment where it's the thing to advise people what's right for them. I'm too influenced by P and a desire to get people better rather be along side them whilst they find their way to feeling better.

Bliss
Xx

An object of serious scrutiny.

Inspired by Betty Friedan without ever having read anything or knowing of existence before Friday, I write .....

With a tone of indignancy I recounted how this older man had the audacity to rest his knee in my back. I had haughtily explained that he had been flirting prior to this. This older man, who's wife was disabled and huff and puff and more scornful examples of his bad, assumptie behaviour. As Stuart sat there listening I provided all the evidence that this man was a despicable example of men. I acknowledged that S was a man "present company excepted", I smiled. I went on, angry at men.
When I'd finished, stopping to breathe in a sort of "well?" tone of breathing. Stuart sat for a while. I anticipated his disgust towards the men I have met along my life. Then the blow I least expected. "This is something about you they respond to."
I sat there stunned. Speechless. For a very long moment I can't be sure I took in a breath.
Me? I almost said how dare you! But I was thinking rapidly. Flitting between he's right, he's wrong, he's right. Oh shit! He's right.
It's me who gives off something that men think it's okay to over step a mark.

Bliss
xx



 

Boxless cat

I went to bed early. Before that I so very nearly emailed JH but thankfully AM called me - perfect timing. This is nothing of course to do with JH the person. Tis is to do with me wanting hi to want and love me. After the day of a therapy workshop and so much emotion rising out of me, I wanted someone to be tender and love me. But JH can not do this for me as he does not love me. It would end up with me being rejected and even more hurt or hurting all over again. Keep knocking ont eh same door getting the same results - well that's insanity. JH can not love me and I just need to remember that
It was rage that started to emerge, yesterday. It's the rage that has been there since I was a little girl and my dad was unable to love me and was inappropriate with me.
It rises to the surface on occassions. It can be murderous. Usually it is me I want to mruder or I eroticise the anger and sex often, in fact usually, ends up with trouble in various ways. Last year with JH I finally  was able to enjoy sex but there were conditions to that. I offered myself as a slave to him and whilst he wanted to take advantage of that, thankfully he was gentle with me too. It could have been totally destructive in a much more physical way. Instead it has devastated me emotionally and a ta deep soul level. There is healing still to do and making contact would not help.
I need more therapy I realise. I don't like to own that because yet again I see clearly my own unhealthy choices. I want JH to be different and realise that he loves me just like I want my dad to aswell. At some stage I would like to be friendly with JH the man.

YEsterday I started my own structure talking a little about the relationship with JH last year and then recent events with my dad. For the first time ever, I felt the anger and with SC's help I stayed with it. Despite hating my anger which quickly turned into rage, I allowed myself to go with it, knowing SC would be taking care and facilitating everything. He reiterated how that rage turns into murderous thoughts, wanting to hurt my dad but also how it becomes suicidal thinking OR I use it to eroticise sex. Oh my gosh was I furious then. Fury at the inappropriateness when younger and how I have followed that path set out for me into my adulthood and only ever met men who take advantage, probably some without even knowing that's what they are doing. And so SC created the structure with people holding my legs, arms, shoulders, head. I could not move. I struggled and stuggled, wanting to get away but they wouldn;t let me. I knew I could dig my nails into me or into them but they soon took that option away. Then I realised I could push the chair back, b ut they stopped that too. I ended up screaming and really furious at them and at SC. I stopped struggling and realised that they loosened their grip so I became even more relaxed and they relaxed with me. They shifted slightly but SC was asking me all the time waht was going in my body or what was I thinkiong. And as he had recruited my pilot at the very beginning to work directly with him, I told him. And so he told them to be aware that I was manipulating them. I was furious again. Trying to stay with the pilot and yet allowing myself to go with the thoughts and my body memories. Then I started finding it really funny, in a furious sort of way. I have felt that before too. I recognise that in me - the seductress, wild and .... mm something I can not put a word to it right now. Dangerous. It didn't work either. Then I said I had had enough, that I was exhausted but even that SC would not allow them to put down their guard. What he did get them to say was that they can allow me to have the fullness of my feelings and that it was OK. He told them to say to me that they could take it and it wasn't a problem. I felt SC was hearing and seeing my fury which in itself is a first. That someone in the world recognises and makes it OK for me to be so fucking furious.  I think I am not allowed to be so I suppress it always. JH was another example of not being OK with anger, trying to say that he is not an angry person and not liking my anger. I was not allowed to be angry as a little girl. I was always in the wrong. And so I can see how that has turned inwards, firstly meaning that the things that happened went deep into my memory, so deep I didn;t remember details. And then the anger has emerged as being sexualised. Each year things getting worse and worse until the pivot really last year. Meeting someone in SecondLife and getting involved in a slave role. Enjoying the sex because it was in the control of someone else. I feel sad as I write that, only being able to enjoy sex in a compromised situation. Being told to do things and willingly giving myself to that, in fact volunteering myself into it. The sex was very good indeed. I am still confused about this and think I need to see SC on a 1 to 1 basis to talk this through and see if I can get any more clarity on what was taking place. What resulted was a strange relationship really. A man who told me he wanted monogamy and I was shocked and hurt when he wasn't actually wanting or able to practive monogamy - that is not love. And the more he was not telling the truth and keeping other women, the more I wanted him to love me. This feels familiar with my dad. He played with other kids and I just wanted him to notice me so when he was inappropriate with me I was at least getting his attention.

I would like to have a healthy relationship with my dad. I don't really know yet ow that would look. It's unlikely to ever be that - and so somehow I mix it all up. I can't quite see it clearly yet.  And consequently I have no iodea really what a healthy relationship with a man would look like for me. I know what I have is not wholesome, even if the men thought it was. If that's what they call wholsesome and loving then they really and definitely are not for me. At least the last two relationships with JB and JH, I could see things I really didn't like. And I said so so there was an opportunity to try and be in the middle together. JB I didn't ever really feel strongly for. It was a silly situaion I entered into, just as usual with the need to be lovable. With JH I did start developing strong feelings and they were real enough despite all the confusion. But when I discovered his lack of honesty and things he thinks are OK that actually I don't then at least I saw that. I wasn't able to leave it straight awaw because I thought there was a chance for us to work things through and both find a middle way together. But dishonesty is not loving at all in my book and so there was no compromise to be had.And really that was good for me to do for myself even though it was not immediate and even though I was angry and so so so hurt. Eventually we ended the relationship. JH then jumped stright into bed wth the previous woman and no doubt continued his flirting and dishonesty with other women. I hope he is able to change that but I don;t think he actually wanted to. If he likes it then I am not to judge at all on that. I am glad not to be in a relationship where that is OK. 
This is not about JH at all - this is all about me and seeing the way I treat myself as a result of confusion and confusing messages from my past. I am hoping that as I allow the anger to manifest, that gradually I will get some healing. Anger usually covers hurt for me - and I have osciallted between anger and hurt all my life. So it's no wonder I feel up and down right now.

I am not comfortable at all just being with me. I do not like the enforced aloneness and feel lonely and scared most of the time. I like my own time too when I know it's chosen.

It was a very strange experience yesterday. For the first time allowing people to witness my rage. I was crying furious and laughing - I tried to manipulate and I wanted to hurt them or me - anything to get out of the locked in situation.

As SC reminded me, this rage is ages old! Right back from childhood. Then continuing with every man I have ever known. None of them has ever truly loved me. None can see past the hurting me who tests their love. They say love shouldn't need to be tested but no one has had the depth to really hold me. How sad. How very fickle and shallow they all have been.
I just haven't met anyone but always have met the wrong person. I look in the wrong places. I mean I can see the lunacy of SL, previously in pubs or clubs. People do meet. There are nice people of course but .....
Lots of men I have met have something missing I usually discover. On the surface, they display the things I like about them. And that's usually enough for me to hope they could love me. If they pay me just a little bit of attention I am hooked.
All the things I liked about them I truly did but if I was to remain freins with them then gradually I would realise that they are not for me. They are just as unhealthy aroudn thsi because they enter into it too. So there we go - I pick unhealthy men and they pick unhealthy me. Unless they are working on themselves nothing much is going to change for them. And what I see of people from the past, that is the case. Nothing much changes for them. I want me to change.
And I gave myself completely but they didn't know what to go with that. If only they had have done! Wow! If there were two of us that are working towards spiritual principles and wanting to give and receive love then there is the possibility for a wonderful relationship.

I have hope but first I need to keep concentrating on me.

OH and during another persons structure, I felt such pain inside me. I was asked to play the part of her ideal mother, guided by SC. As I was repeating the words that he instructed me to and as I heard her talking about her situation as the daughter of her mother, I realted massively. And suddenly I was overwhelmed with grief. The grief of abortions and of never having wanted to have children. I still don't and know I made the right decisions. But the idea of a loving relationship with a daughter suddenly left me feeling so sad. It wouldn;t have been possible as there was always the fucked up me acting out. But now I see things differently and I am a different person in stages of growth albeit, I felt really sad. That is the legacy of the inappropriateness of my dad and I guess my mum wasn't there to protect me from it all.

Phew what an exhausting day.
There will come a time when there is less to do and I will be freer just to be.

I do not feel suicidal today. I have had my rage witnessed by SC and he recognises the pottential to murder myself. That was a relief.

Bliss
XX

Heartstreams, Onsite

http://www.onsiteworkshops.com/


http://www.heartstreamjourneys.com/practice.htm


http://www.clearpathjourneys.co.uk/index.php

Miracle or unpleasant surprise!

There are only miracles, Bliss, and to one degree or another they all soothe, pamper, and enrich. However, to avoid blowing too many minds at once, some are disguised as unpleasant surprises, botched circumstances, and twisted acquaintances that can rarely be seen for who or what they truly are until the pendulum has fully swung.
Yes... don't I think of everything?
Duck!
The Universe

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day,to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight,and never stop fighting.
~ E.E. Cummings

Not sure if I have anything to write today.

Yes I have. Today a client completed 26 days. This is a miracle. She has been in before and didn't complete the programme. And this time she came in for just 2 weeks and nearly left every other day. Somehow we worked with her and she has really brought about monumental changes. I was pissed off today though as one of my colleagues who seems to be losing the plot slightly was very judgemental towards her. And with this was in my opinion not so therapeutic with her. The challenge was fair but did not take into consideration her dual diagnosis. My colleague did not see the wonder of this person. She is simply one of the loveliest and funniest people without any arrogance or indignance. Wow! She is a survivor.
I did something I never ever do. I have her my telephone number and said that if she was in trouble or needed support she could call me. She seemed amazed which wasn't the purpose. I already received just the loveliest of texts from her.
She is a marvel. I have been very fortunate this year to encounter some real treasures of people through my work. People who will forever be cherished in my heart. Everyone is special to me but some are more special than others. I try not to show any favouritism. I truly hope to exemplify an equality for all clients. There are some I don't like so much. Some who are still within the cycle of hellfire addiction within their sobriety. There are evil streaks in people and that always indicates to me that addiction or some process lives on in them. Or sometimes it is an attitude of indifference towards others - self centredness. Addiction breeds selfishness and self centredness.

I witness miracles working through people on a daily basis. How very, very lucky I am.

I have a concern. JH.
My concern is that he will now be afraid of stating openly what he is doing with whom. For example this evening he went to a gig and said he was going with the father of his daughters friend. It turns out her mother was there. I suspected this. JH told me he went with the father and mother and it sounded all spontaneous.
Perhaps it was but I think JH will be hesitant to speak openbly and honestly. Now this is where boundaries can make a person feel confident and comfortable whatever they are doing with whom.

SH and I were putting together a workshop on boundaries. We have a lecture but both of us prefer to use the time in a workshop style than delieering lecture style information. So we took the bare bones of the already prepared lecture and started working on firstly definining boundaries and establishing where they come from and what informs them. We were describing the ripple effect and how different people are permitted to be closer or kept further away from our centre.
                               
         Lover                  Peers                                                                                      Abuser
ME  
             Family    Friends                             Boss                                                                          
                                              Work Colleagues


So we were looking at how values inform a person boundaries.
We looked at the ripple effect .

Vulnerable Adults

Abuse - individual or institutional

Mental confusions
Insomnia
Pitch of talkking - speed of talking
Low self-esteem
angry - physical or verbal outbursts
sudden gain/loss of weight
withdrawal from friendships
communication difficulties

Beliefs -
deserve abuse
fear of abandonment
change subject frequently
significant pauses or silences
avoid emotions by talking about what others may feel
avoid exporessing opinions by asking someone to express their opinions
A talkative person becomes silent

personal hygiene
realxed or tense?
arms folded?
leaning towards or away
eye contact strong or completely avoided

erotic evocation of the atmosphere and emotions

This may be very boring indeed but for me has been most fascinating - reading psychological research papers and articles about BDSM SMers and M/s. I started writing to my friend about it having gently disclosed my recent exploration. But I think as it has been a therapeutic exercise thus far, I will not send it and instead leave it here, safe (ish).

This started as a result of reading an article about BDSM SMer M/s and therapy. A very interesting article about prejudices and misunderstandings amongst many counsellors and indeed the DSM IV categorises sexual deviance's as pathological. There have been cases taken to court as well. These sexual activities in my view a very misunderstood. So I thought I would research further and here are some of my thoughts as I have been reading and reading.

Dear Friend (M) I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to just start tentatively to be honest about my thoughts on Dominant and submissive interests.


I have felt ashamed of this for my lifetime about a tendency which I know was there from a young age. I have felt that I was dirty and vile. I was told off at school with another girl (aged 7 yrs) for a game we were playing in the playground in which she and I were captured and tortured by these two boys and some other girls. I have often associated this with

the very difficult times I was going through in my home life. A lot I cannot remember but have a feeling of terror and shadowy memories.

But as I am reading more and more there is a dubious correlation between submissive orientation and sexual abuse - well so far in my research. As always there are a large number of people who have been abused sexually physically mentally emotionally a spiritually. A lot of people don't even realise this is what has happened to them and carry on the legacy with their own children. More and more I come to some belief that our society is full of unhealthy behaviours and attitudes but there is little awareness. Centuries of getting to this point in my lowly opinion. So it doesn't matter within which community mega or macro, there will be evidence of abuse depending on mind-sets.

Having said all of this I am fascinated by people - everything - interactions - verbal, written, visuals, etc.etc. I have found the social constuctionism theories very compelling and heard last night this is an area you are currently studying. Perhaps we can have more time to talk about this - we talk about the daily life things but rarely get stuck into a debate. I have a hunger for knowledge so would learn a lot from you I know. And i am sure we have ideas to churn and expand on - what do you think?


Reading the article in Therapy Today has really interested me on a more intellectual level which of course helps take me away from my own feelings.

I have been doing some research this morning and wondered if you wanted snippets of info as I go along that seem interesting suggestions - the research are formal scientific and psychological research papers around the world and not general hearsay. But of course as I have learnt through my studies so far no research provides a finite answer (even when they seem to claim that).

Also bear in mind that some of the snippets I might send are a small finding within a greater study and not necessarily the purpose of the study.

My scan of the document I read is not clear so will try again as I think you might find it interesting.


One thing that was a very interesting comment -

"Sexual sadism appears more frequently in forensic contexts in combination with sadistic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders but rarely with masochism.

Masochism is otherwise reported to be more prevalent in patients of general psychiatry, however, combined with depression or dependent personality traits rather than with sadism."
Wolfgang Berner · Peer Briken, Sexueller Sadismus und Sexualkriminalität, Forens Psychiatr Psychol Kriminol (2010) 4:90–97

I found this very interesting. As I had been diagnosed with Borderline and also Personality Disorder as well as an addictive personality of course. (Amongst many others ahahahahaha). There are times when I feel almost entirely non-sexual and at these times do not want to engage with anything remotely sexual. So i thought I would try and note my mood levels and see if there is any correlation. I am unclear on the term general psychiatry and will see if one of the consultants could clarify their interpretation of this. Currently I believe this to mean falling between the lines of the norms. Back to the diagnostic labels have been given - well I read the criteria and to be honest could fit into any at some time. I am reading about Aspergers at the moment and think "ooo I do that, and that!". But there are some people who fit entirely inot the criteria and don't have anything else as well. Probably like the chronic alcoholics mentioned in the AA Big Book.


The above research paper was primarily investigating sadism but of course it doesn't exist without the masochistic element, someone or something has to be on the receiving end. And of course the findings are suggest there is a high level of sadism within forensic cases not meaning that all sadistically orientated people are murderers at the high end or criminally aggressive.


Do you know of much literature on the subject? Does it appear through the ages specifically? I know of but not in detail the Story of Anne Desclos and Gorean books by John Norman. I was just interested how this very underground sexuality features. And is there a link too with Goth Vampires etc?


Funny thing is, sidelining slightly, I am so controlling and the submission is about handing over control entirely. I think some of the relief of submission is being able to not be in control of my destiny. Within that there is a sense of freedom finally for me. Expression and exploration are more accessible.


Will add more thoughts and findings (just delete the whole thing if its too boring or too distracting or just something you are just abhorred by)
Ha ha - have even written off to a couple of the Profs. I am insane

I found this conclusion from a research quite reassuring actually. Having been recently actively speaking with people to learn about Dominant/submissive relationships, I thought how much more at ease some of these people seemed. Open. Some were judgemental bout vanilla relationships but less judgemental and more saying that vanilla wasn't for them. Whereas people with supposedly more normal sexual activities do seem to make judgements against people practising sexual diversity. And as I write that it's similar in most instances of alleged normality and the judgements against anything slightly different and challenging - control through fear perhaps. Funny that the research is into the deviations from everyday when quite possibly the everyday is the more unhealthy. Just a thought.

"Our findings support the idea that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, and for most participants not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with “normal” sex."
Richters J, de Visser RO, Rissel CE, Grulich AE, and Smith AMA. Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism” or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. J Sex Med 2008;5:1660–1668.

It seems that until recent research, anyone practicing what is being named as "kinky" sexual interests are psychologically abnormal, have been involved in sexual abuse or are sexually deficient. This continues to be the diagnosis in the Medical Manuals. But there is more and more research disproving these earlier findings. I like the fact that in the research mentioned above it highlight the fact that much of the evidence supporting these earlier claims is gathered from people who have been criminally charged. I think that sheds a light on other facts.

A sexual interest or subculture attractive to the minority was the conclusion from the above mentioned research paper. And not a result of anything psychological wrong. Interesting. The study also showed a greater number of women involved in BDSM. But then all sorts of factors might have influenced the stats.

I will continue to add this as I read and discover - of course all the thoughts and opinions I write are merely that ....

It has become clear in my research of the research that BDSM SM M/s sexual activities are being found to be not a clinical issue. The reference is to subculture and alternative sexual activities. It made me smile when reading an article about how therapists need to conduct themselves, that importance was made to remaining aware not try and elimnate or cure the sexual acitivity as being pathological. It wasn't such a long time ago that homosexuality was something that had to be cured!!!

This is an interesting website - https://ncsfreedom.org/

Scaredy cat

Here are all the thngs I removed.............
Ask me why I will tell you
xxxxx

Like pushing marshmallows into a moneybox anonymous from Braintree, Essex


As you always have, Bliss, you're going to find, yet again and forevermore, that the hard and difficult stuff only ever seemed hard and difficult, before you began it.

Bet you feel better now, huh?Begin it, The Universe



Pah! Hard and difficult - I cut contact this afternoon with C - it feels really difficult right now.

I am off to S therapist in a moment and have been calling out. I feel mean and nasty (there's my codependance), he was being so nice to me yet it was all crumbs - he has a partner and daughter. He said he was disappointed. He asked how long I would be seeing my therapist as I said that was to do with it. I asked him to trust it was nothing to do with him. I don;t think he believed me. I am now scared that he won;t want contact with me if and when I do make contact again. He may try to make me pay - I think he is a damaged little oy you see and I just damaged him some more. He said his circumstances mught be different but he is unlikely to change things without someone as a prompt - that in itself is so unhealthy.

He arrived at 652am. I answered the door naked as per his request. He said this afternoon he was going to say that I didn;t have to have sex and maybe we could go out for the day instead but as I answered the door naked .......... I risked being seen by neighbours all day dancing around naked - him too.

My flat of course has not been exposed to this before now. It is tarnished somehow. The walls are so paper thin my neighbours will have heard all the sex antics. We had sex a lot - it was good despite his "marshmallow in a moneybox" type willy. It wasn't straight forward. I didn't feel able to run around the room as he requested, but we did other stuff that was easy to do as I don;t really know him. If we ever got to know each other better I wouldn;t be able to do the same things. That's how it's always been.

I feel a bit spaced out - a whole day in bed having sex. No revision of course. Left LouLou at A's. See it was all planned out so well. I asked him what his klans were for the future, he said he didn't have any. Then I dropped the bombshell. There were not going to be any. I need to cut contact.

I think he said he doesn;t plan so that he didn't have to get hooked into anything serious with me. Then when I said that he was disappointed - he used the d-word. Struck me in my heart.

I talked a little about my dad and the past. He said he had been concerned for me on Saturday and had considered coming over. He didn't though did he!!! He couldn't, he has a partner.

He also made sure he left on time - no hanging around. Priority at home. Of course.

I need t be realistic and get away from this fantasy relationship I have created. The One. And it's not Neo it's just another The One!

Well I will continue writing this later as right now I need to leave to head to Yateley. Just down the road from C.



He said he wouldn't make contact - he said I know where he is if I want to make contact. I want him to send a text or an email anyway. He hasn't so far. I want to send him a text to say sorry and thank you. I doubt he will. He said he might go along on 27th June adding if he's invited. I said of course you're invited hoping above all hope he goes. I will want to see him but if he's hooked up with another - ouch.

I know I am going to suffer severe withdrawals. Unlike John the relationship is just beginning really. And I tricked him into a day of sex ...... and then told him. How fucking mean I am. I should have told before so that he could make a reasonable choice.

SHIT! Man I hate this illness of addiction and this is the worst manifestation of it.

I am so fucking powerless.

I hope from here on I can be writing about recovery adn growth and joy.

I hope C will be OK and will perhaps recover himself from his pain. He said what't the use of contentment when you're dead. I feel his life is so empty and sad. He says it's just how it is. He doesn;t understand the need for therapy. I think he would benefit hugely.

I miss him already - no more sex texts, no more emails. No more male attention.

Fuck fuck fuck

More later - leaving now for sure