New Job New Life

Bloody hell! 2013 has started with an emotional roller coaster.
I visited my dad on Monday. New Years Eve. Thank goodness I was spending the evening with AB. I feel safe there to be how I feel even though it irritates me when A has a Pollyanna view of everything.
The door was left ajar. My dad was sitting in the armchair. He looked deathly. So tiny and frail. Having seen him a couple of months ago when he had lost a lot of weight then was shocking enough.
We had little to say. I was there for an hour and found it difficult to make the decision to leave. It felt rude. For goodness sake this is my father.
How can a relationship with a father be so awkward.
We talked a little about CS's impending death. He may already have been dead. I have since left a message for JF just to see if I can gather any news. I would like to attend the funeral if I can.
As I was preparing to leave my dad asked me to take some note paper. He instructed me like a bloody sergeant. Anyway I did it with good grace. He told me to write my mobile number down for the neighbours. I was relieved. I had asked him to give them my number a while ago when he first told me they were really helping. He also asked me to put JB's number down. I then went to see them. And although feeling a little together I burst into tears. They were so lovely. They told me that T was very difficult and when she was home they were less able to offer assistance. But they said my dad was a lovely man, that they really liked him a lot. And they were only too pleased to be able to help him. B gets the paper for him every day and M tries to get him to eat. They were relieved that I was involved and now a contact. They gave me T's daughters numbers.
I left. Gosh it was so painful and frightening seeing my dad that way.
I felt so helpless and terribly alone with this. Desperate I just didn't know what to do. The distance between is so great there seemed little I could do and also greedily, vulture-like I was getting concerned about the future if he dies before T. What about my GREATER part of the inheritance. Ugh! I find that so ugly in myself and ever since then keep practising letting it go. It will be what it will be. For so long I've been counting on it to get me out of the hole I see myself in. I need to start being grateful for what I have got and if I want something different I need to work towards it. I think it is often I want an easier, softer way such as inheritance or meeting a rich man who will provide all that I want. Ha! And every man I've met has really not been terribly wealthy at all or I leave just before they start to make something of themselves. Look at SH. Apparently his business is steaming upwards now. The thing is I can never sell my soul for money in that way. The unhappy relationship just isn't worth it. And yet I see so many women do that. The irony is that I could sell my body for sex. Sometimes even just give it away.
My dad seemed to have got confused over night that JB was visiting the next day. The neighbours told me so. I got in contact with JB and was talking as if he was going. He informed me that when speaking with my dad there had seemed to be this misunderstanding. I wanted him to go. You see I felt that my dad need hospitalisation. But my dad would never ever take that from me. Furthermore I always think I'm making a drama and fuss about nothing. So when JB agreed to see him and called me afterwards expressing equally his deep concern I was relieved. So I resolved the next day to contact his GP and insist someone get out to see my dad. I was as usual scared to make the call straight away. I kept thinking my dad will be furors and am I just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Especially as when talking with D on New Years Eve when I visited my dad she said that he was perkier than he had been. Bloody hell. Honestly he looked like death. Death in his eyes. Yet there was an uprightness about him. His anger since suggests that there is till a will to live. Who bloody knows with my dad?
Anyway I had so much compassion for my dad. I wanted to help.
The neighbours called me on 2 Jan to tell me that my dad had arranged to get to hospital. B was taking him. I was so relieved. I felt like I was doing something and nothing at all. I thankfully didn't need to in the end.
So my first day at work with PD was great. I felt dreadful and not excited but also very excited.
It was easy going. I had a tour of our offices. In true PD fashion everything was in his order and I smiled inwardly.
Gratefully he permitted me to leave after lunch. I drove straight to QA. As I walked in I was terrified knowing he would be angry that I was there. He was.
I managed to get him to put me as a secondary next of kin. Or rather the staff nurse did. I filled her in a little, saying that he was so difficult but that the rift was historical. She just listened. It was she that insisted my dad had a secondary next of kin because T is still unwell.
My dad did tell me that T is jealous of me and that I can ring around her daugthers and she knows it. This was in response to me asking why she disliked me so much. He had told me he gets a lot of grief is she knows I've been involved. It was hurtful to learn from the daughters that they do visit all the time. They've been involved all along - a lot. He has always maintained that they hardly ever visit.
They keep telling me about all the times they are seeing him in hospital when he's told me he doesn't want me to visit.
So I decided that i would respect his wishes but instead would phone and on advice from D and JH I would push and enquire what action is being taken. I managed to speak with the on duty consultant although I'd been repeatedly asking to speak with Dr M. A scan had still not been done and I mentioned this to the Dr U. He seems to have expedited that thank goodness. So when Dr M is back today at least the scan results will be on their way.
Actually initially when I spoke with D it was a relief ...
There is more.
This was all about my first few days of 2013 and the first day of my new job. Things are changing rapidly. Read on when I next can write.
Bliss
XX


 

HALT

Hungry Angry Lonely Tired

I am feeling hungry yet I know I've had enough food, the same food I've had every other day. I am very tired so this is probably contributing to the the hunger. But I wonder what's going on underneath the surface. Also I'm feeling lonely. I have been thinking about choices I've made in the past. I chose not to have children and that meant some radical subsequent choices. Horrible choices for which I feel disgust as well as sadness. It is too difficult for me to fully own right now. I have a lot of healing to do but first some admitting to do. I am not ready to do that here yet.
I do realise that there are still many things that when I think about them I detach. I feel nothing and yet I know there are feelings to feel. It's quite amazing to observe the detachment. It leaves a real vacuum. It's something I would like not to happen. I understand however that it was a mechanism that has been a protector from a very young age. The more abstinent I've become the more obvious the detachment from feelings is. Or maybe the more it's had to come into operation because I don't even have food to keep me separated from my emotions. I hope that I won't need to do this so much. I know it's probably an essential tool. We are remarkable in that there is a filter so that we are not overloaded. However there is also the inability to let the filter filter adequately enough there there isn't a total disconnect.

It is so revealing to get greater clarity on such a phenomenon.

This evening my dad called. You know I would have been writing that with a feeling of gloom not so many months ago. Today I write it with a different feel about it. I was very tired when I picked up his call. And he called to enquire if I'd received his card. I had and thanked him for his very generous cheque and the £10 too. I also said it was a lovely card and thanked him again before putting the phone down. I was able to tell him that I'm not eating out at the moment (day 8 of 90). He thinks it's a diet and I didn't think it would be of any use to him for me to try and explain. I know and that's enough. Perhaps he would understand but somehow it seems unimportant to try. All that matters is that I informed him of my situation. He doesn't know yet at what time we could meet. I hope he will meet me but perhaps it's not convenient for him. I seem to think he has a lot of negotiating around his wife. I did apologise for not sounding lively and that I was feeling tired. He wondered if I would be doing anything tomorrow. It's a day as normal. Working even with a 1:1 after the usual hours. All extra income with increasing costs. I feel very glad to have this potential to earn some extras whilst also supporting people in their journey to bringing about change. That's a privilege.

All in all it was a cheerful call on my behalf with my dad. This is a light relief after all the years of angst and battling. He must find it very strange. If I were at Step 9, there are things I would take ownership of and say how sorry I am. Instead I am putting action in to be different. I'm sure he must feel uncertain about this as I've tried being "good two shoes" before on different occasions. So now it's about consistency. I am showing up and being cheerful. I am listening to him and not argumentative. I am understanding where there is a misunderstanding of me. I do not need to try and make him understand or see me. He seems to find me so very different from him and that's OK. And yet there are so many similarities no doubt. I no longer need to impose myself on him to feel acceptable. I am getting that from deeper within me. I am understood and loved by my HP. What more do I need? Nothing.
Gosh how far I've come along this part of the road.

Lonely? Sometimes yes I am. Overall though my days are very busy. I really enjoy time alone. It's calm and I have so much to sit and enjoy by myself. I also love being with people. I am interested in people. I just would like to practice listening to others more rather than talking out my versions of their idea. I don't really do that at all. But being interested in people means me spending more time getting clarity on their thoughts and feelings rather than the other way around. What really makes people tick? And as I'm really quite close with some people how do I get to listen and know more? Listen I suppose.

Angry? Actually no. There is frustration. I'm not sure why that popped up. Frustration with people who in my opinion don;t have the clarity they think they have. It's their business and in the spirit of my passion I can simply listen and reflect. Somethings are just a trigger. I can let go and maintain my serenity and grace.
 What a gift of learning. I will talk it through with my sponsor no doubt if it enters my thoughts in the morning.

Tired? Yes I truly am. And no wonder, I'm going to bed later than is good for me. So I'm going off to bed now.
I have still to write about the Bauhaus exhibition at the Barbican and now Gillian Wearing's exhibition at Whitechapel Gallery. Oh and the Art Car Boot Sale, and strolling along Brick Lane.
All these little adventures I have and scenes of people living that I see.
Marvellous

Bliss
X

AFGO!

Thank goodness it's the weekend. As I sat in silence this morning I felt all my bones crunch back into place after a week of being tensed out of place. A metaphor of course. Visually I saw a sort of animation of a skeleton just cracking, readjusting back into position. Phew I can feel some relaxation throughout my body when I stop to allow it.
In between times I am going over in my head all that has happened.
I can't recall Monday at all. Not one single thing about the day. Was it my first day back? I think it was. Bloody hell it seems as if that was two weeks ago? Was it? I really can't work it out. That's the effect of the circumstances during this week.
Well Tuesday. LK and I facilitated the Process Group. Ew yuch I don't even want to start writing the detail it feels so, uhm, so, I can't find a word or words to articulate what it feels like to start going into detail. It feels exhausting and a beating up. I won't go into detail. I hope it make sense without the detail. LK criticised my way of work. I was aware of her annoyance even during the group and I'm certain at some point the clients would be able to pick up on something. She is wildly furious about a lot of things and a lot of the time. I, of course, don't like criticism but can be open to it to find ways to improve and learn. So I felt uncomfortable but as she went on it seemed that it was a criticism that was actually unjust. She said that too much therapy was taking place in the Process Group. I think as the time is going on I'm beginning to see a point. To a larger extent I agree with her in that the group needs to keep moving and the individuals need to be identifying and processing. Often we as therapists step in. Sometimes of course that's necessary to keep the group moving but right now I am feeling uncertain of anything I'm doing. So I need some guidance and suggestions how to not enter into therapy too much and instead keep the group moving by asking more joggers rather than deep questions. I can learn from this and I am willing to learn. However, it's less about the what she is saying but more about how. I felt attacked and picked on. When AW stepped in to make her point she was accused of rescuing me to which AW was quite astounded. There seems to be an attack on me. For the rest of the day (which involved a horrible hospital examination which I want to write about later as well) I went over and over the way I entered into the fray. I was aggressively defensive, which  is a natural default for me. Everything I said she seemed to twist and turn back at me. I kept trying to explain more. I said that I didn't understand what was going on and felt unsafe. She asked me to explain that and when I did she threw more at me. I did step back at that point as AW started speaking. I tried to explain that what she is suggesting is not what we've done because really I didn't want it to change but I realised that she wants things done in a particular way then that's that. I tried to say that I felt unsafe as she has repeatedly said she doesn't want to change anything but does actually want to change lots of things and that's OK but I had hoped she would see what the programme is and what works and then gradually bring in her ideas. I can't remember all the responses but basically everything I aid seemed to be misconstrued as an attack on her. I needed to step back and shut up but I didn't. She asked why I felt unsafe and I said because of this conflicting situation and also that she seemed to listen to clients and was split by their comments. You see I had felt that there were layers of other agendas. The day before (oh yes I remember and it was my first day back) we had spent quite a lot of time with one client who was uncomfortable and I believe may have complained. Rather than bringing whatever was said to the team in an open manner, I think LK sat on that and this was the first opportunity to attack with it rather than discuss. Now a further layer is the pressure on LK to have clients in. As we know PD was the master salesman and there were very few times that we were low in numbers. LK did make a comment in the days before I went on leave about getting worried by the soon to be low numbers of clients. I wonder if she is comparing herself with PD and believe she may have insinuated this by something she said, I can't remember what it was exactly now.
So during this contretemps AW was saying something and suddenly LK interrupted and said that we needed to stop and she was setting a boundary that we needed a break. AW was quite boundaried saying that she was in the middle of saying something and would like to finish and did. We went into the office afterwards and I started to get on with the care notes, quietly and feeling battered. AW left to facilitate the next group and LK started again. I tried saying that I thought there was no solution right now and would like to take it to supervision. She said "I can't wait two weeks because you're not here this afternoon!". I seemed very aggressive in tone and accusational. I said that "no because I'm attending my hospital appointment" trying to remind her that it wasn't because I didn't want to. I feel certain that she has a massive grudge against me. So she wouldn't let go. I tried to just listen but she was attacking and aggressive so I defended. In the end I had to leave. I had only managed to get one note done, so gave her the list of the clients to be completed and left.
I felt dreadful. Absolutely deflated and worn down. Earlier in the morning NL had come into the office, prior to all of this and asked to meet with me.We had arranged an appointment for 12:15 Thurs. He said reassuringly me that there was nothing problematic. Perhaps, he protests too much.
Anyhow I drove off towards Portsmouth and called SH. Oh before I actually left LK had taken a call. I laughed as she had misheard the callers name thinking it was a Claire and started asking her when she had last had a drink. Then I heard her say oh SH. Poor LK wears hearing aids, she is very deaf but I sniggered as I walked out of the office at her complete unmanageability even though it's a disability for her.
I called SH from the car. I needed to speak to someone who knew her and could straighten me out because my natural default is to be the problem. I was already thinking I am useless at my job. Any tentative confidence drained from me instantly. I was questioning everything. Thinking too that actually I AM the problem. I am difficult as an employee and started finding all the evidence to prove that to myself over and over again. I was trying to believe what SH was saying to me down the phone as I explained the events with my twist on things too. Obviously all of my recounting is from my point of view and I can be manipulative by withholding my part of things when I dislike them. My defective behaviour. I tired not to but I know I did. I would like to just be able to take ownership of the whole of me, all the nasty stuff about too. Then it's a complete picture and people I call then for support have the full facts. I need to trust those people and it's clear that I can trust some people. B I can trust, T I can trust, A I can trust. They can hear it and somehow then still hear the issue I'm dealing with and support that with me and then I'm able to look at what I need to do and change. It's a skill to be able to do this. I need to learn it. I can learn by watching others doing it and emulate them. The difficulty needs acknowledging first of all. The horrible situation and how crazy it all sounds. And then to look at what is being handled or the only known way. And see how helpful that way is. Sometimes it's important to be encouraging first of all. Allow that simply to be and leave it at that. Solutions don;t need to be hunted out from the off, there is no urgency. And then maybe later once that trust is established that the situation is understood from the individuals perspective there are ways at looking at the individuals part and what changes can be made.
I used to think that when someone said pray, it was a cop out because they didn't know what else to say. This was because actually I didn't have a relationship with a Higher Power. I would think that I did without really knowing what I meant by it, even to myself, and would even promote the fact that I did but without being able to articulate what that meant or how I turned to God. Because I didn't. But with FA and my sponsor and other FA members, I have been developing that faith. I believe. I believe that everything will be OK and that if I ask for God's help it will be there. I do forget in the heat of the moment to turn to God. I know thought when I do things feel different even if I can't explain what and why and how. They just do. A serenity descends over me and then there is clarity. That is God entering me. So it's not this God image I still can have of a tyrant, raging in the sky watching over and criticising all the wrong-doings. It's not anything physical or humanly shaped. It's not omnipotence in the sense of domineering power. It's a glorious essence of something gentle and loving. It's something ethereal. It feels like it descends over me hence it feels as if it comes from above. Perhaps it starts in the head and that's why there's this white or crown chakra. Open and the spiritual can enter. Or perhaps it's something that sits in the brain somewhere that just needs to be accessed. Who knows. When it descends my heart fills with love and peace and that's from within. So this sense of tapping into God above and then feeling something deep within all makes sense in terms of what is written in the Bible or other religious scriptures. It's how it seems and is too big for words to be able to describe.
People can be fearsome and ferocious. That's how they are. I am beginning to realise that I don't like it because I am afraid of how I will react. I also become unpredictable. I sit and take it, take some more, and a bit more and then explode. So the bully thinks they can bully me and they keep doing it until I explode but then my reaction is so uncontrolled I can bullied some more, made to think I am crazy and a problem. Bullies do this. It's a dynamic that is set up and drives the victim further and further into a hole, believing the bullies taunts because actually that's how the victim reacts, lashing out ineffectively. I can see it very clearly now through observing me experiencing myself.
It's horrible. I don;t need to make accusations of bullying though. I just need to find ways of dealing with this fro a position of faith and gaining my strength through my faith.

An unpredictable rage-aholic! Uncontained, no boundaries. So that's what I am facing. I know this well. My dad was similar. And I found that so ugly that I am damning of myself when I retaliate in my defense in a similar manner. The rage bubbles up out of me and explodes in a fit of incoherent aspersions. That can then be used and thrown back at me. More frustration of not being understood because actually I'm not making sense. I am throwing out ineffective spears to ward off the attack. But they are so fragile they are picked up and thrown back at me but on the way back they seem to have gathered strength, loaded up with the bullies pernicious venom.
I have a very vivid picture in my mind now. So it is also as clear how I can be different. Non-reactionary is the clue. Be aware of that is happening. It will need me to keep putting aside my pride. And as has been suggested with LK I need to keep asking "how do you think I should deal with this?", "what do you think I should say?", "what is the best way forward do you think?". I have been applying this. She has all the power then but in a form of she is getting what she wants, control. Then it's all her decisions, all the way she wants it and it's also all of her responsibility. It is sad as we all took responsibility as a team before. It felt inclusive and equally responsible, trusting too. I am grieving that way and dislike this way. However, it is how it is. I am sure it comes from a place of fear and I pray to God for compassion for this but right now I am tender and need to take care of myself. It's always a tendency that when people say pray for the other person that I start to think that I am responsible for looking after them. I am so codependent and so misunderstanding of the meaning until right now about this praying for people. I have interpreted it to mean that I need to accept what I don't like as me being wrong. Not to that extreme perhaps. Humph! I am not quite sure how to articulate the way I've interpreted this. But it's certainly along the lines of pray for them because they are not wrong which by default would appear that I think I am wrong and they are right. Interesting. I'm not sure how I've taken the meaning of praying for the other person. Also I can think I am praying because I am right. Actually it's neither of those because we are just who we are. For example, the changes LK wants to introduce and is introducing I just don't happen to like. It doesn't mean they are wrong, it's just different. What I see is some chaos ensuing already. But that still doesn't mean it's wrong. It's a consequence of different ways. The way it has been was very rigid. The consequence being that some people could not get supported by us. They fall by the wayside. This way means that there is a loss of stability. I'm not sure which is more important.
Not doing too much therapy in the Process group means that issues won't be raised and processed therapeutically. Instead that will be done in 1:1's I guess. By doing therapy means that there is less opportunity for interaction between the clients, letting them raise their own issues between them without an agenda to delve deeper. So OK let's go with that. Let me learn but I need to learn some more probing ways to keep the groups moving in that way and assess better when to jump in and when to stand back. It's new for me and uncertain grounds. But I can learn. I have to find the humility to ask now. Yuch!
Something else I've realised is that it's such a relief to have witnesses. SH and AW are there and also encountering what seems like a lack of boundaries and uncontained rage. I think they are being attacked in different ways. SH is wise to the splitting and yesterday that was a lesson for me. Not to be splitable. I need to practise consistency. God please can you help to remain consistent. This would be different from my dad and LK too. I am seeing so many likenesses between LK and my dad but also how it is in me too. In my fear I will "hunt with the hounds and run with the hare" as my mum would say. I need to state my belief and then stick by it. I feel bad for having been vociferous about getting extra staff and then when asked directly afraid of others opinions so saying "I don't know" when asked why we needed so many people. Chicken. I was scared so God please can you help me not to do this. This makes it possible for people to get me on side or off side. I just need to be me and have the courage to stick with my convictions. Actually when SH was saying we needed more staff I wasn't entirely sure we did. If I stepped back from doing LK's work and answering phones etc then we could manage the actual therapeutic day busily but manageable. So I wasn't sure of my point I was being vociferous about but stepped in to be protective of SH and against LK. I need to step back, step back, step back.
Check my motives always. Be careful of getting into battles for other people. I need not to do that. I was pleased to step back from that when I noticed SH had been given yet another client. I am not sure LK really knows what she is doing. I think she is out of her depth at the moment, not really understanding how tings have been working. So she is making decisions based on that and it's all a bit of a muddle. Which is why I would have thought she would take time to just see how things are running and ask questions. I can understand that. For me I would want to look like I'm totally capable and would make decisions without getting to know the full story. Sometimes it would be because I can't see the full picture yet. I need time to watch. If ever I need to lead a team I hope I can apply some of these things tat I see now that  value. It means putting aside fears and insecurities, not allowing pride and ego to step in as rescuers from fear and instead embracing everyone as valuable contributors. Listen to people.
Sh reminded me that these behaviours I'm seeing in LK are a sign of my own wellness. I'm finding that difficult to hold on to, confused by judging her behaviours as being wrong. But what I do know that is that I need to trust my feelings. It feels uncomfortable for me. It doesn't mean to say it's all wrong but I prefer someone who is more boundaried, less rigid perhaps, but relaxed because there is stability and serenity. I didn't for instance like the way PD could lash out when tings weren't exactly as he wanted them to be. The rigidity. But he was approachable and could listen to alternatives. Once he formed his opinion about someone's laziness or similar then he was difficult to shift from that especially if he had someone to buy into the gossip element with him. I didn't like that, it seemed unfair even though I have laughed along at times - see my splitability by not standing up for my beliefs. Driven by the fear of being excluded by the bullies and ending up being bullied myself. Gosh it's so ingrained, circular behaviour and beliefs. God I would like to change. Just to be O being me.
I am feeling so tired. I think I have to give myself this morning off. This is all whizzing and whirring and chunking around my head. I so need to study but I need some time out too. God please help me to know how to manage this work, life, study situation.
I feel left out by the study group and at a disadvantage. Perhaps I simply need to see if there are others free at weekends for a potential study group? That's a good idea. Be proactive. Instead of feeling left out open it up for alternatives. Mind you the only time really is Saturdays or Sundays and with 1 1/2 hours fro the AWOL starting on 1st April there won't be much time then for reading. I need more time somehow. How? Times are very difficult it seems.
So anyway, I feel better about behaving in a different way. She hasn't attacked me directly since but did have a quiet discussion with SH on her own trying to say that she knows we all hate her. SH didn't respond to that either way. But was able to say it's the way she's doing things rather than what she's doing.SH did say the same as me, that she doesn't necessarily like or agree with some of the changes but that's OK she can work with it. I love working with SH I will hate it if ever we're not working together. SH could see how battered I am. I feel tense and exhausted through the shear effort of having to be ultra mindful. I'm sure I will settle a little more into changing my ways and knowing that I can't trust LK or indeed NL then I need to be mindful. It will get easier I'm sure of that as change always does. I don't want it to leave me scarred and not trusting generally though. I don't trust and yet am over trusting to being with. Then I get hurt but at least I am open and learn rather than being closed and never learn. I just need to learn to step back and watch and learn through what I see. I don't have anything I need to prove and God please help me to remember that.

As for the hospital - well he scanned me inside and out. Yuch. He said good tings like my ovaries look all OK and this and that was the right shape and size. There were some silences and lots of typing but stupidly I didn't ask if he had found anything untoward. He did say that I had a gall bladder full of gall stones. He pressed in that region and I felt no pain but now I am concerned about that. My mum had her gall bladder removed and I think it was after that her Cancer developed. It's an instinctive sense but strong nonetheless. She was feeling nauseous after eating and had to call the doctor out regularly and I think after removing her gall bladder all of that stopped.So I am assuming the operation was connected. I am also concerned because I have these pains and they seem to find nothing at all. I wonder if something is hidden from view. It's the not knowing that's scary. If they said I had Cancer and it could be removed easily at an early stage then great. However, if it was advanced I would opt out of chemo-therapy. I do not see people enjoy living through that. I suppose I don't know how I'd feel until the time came to actually face that. But right at this moment that is how I do feel. I am wondering if the aches I get in my middle back right hand side are connected with the gall bladder full of gall stones. I asked how that could happen and as he gave various explanations or theories it was easily linked with rapid dieting, i.e anorexia and bulimia and massive overeating and excess fat. A consequence of my food addiction that was probably a vulnerable spot anyway since my mum had something wrong with hers I would think. And she was very overweight, definitely a food addict. Well in my opinion. It was more than simply over eating, she was addicted to many things and sugar, flour and quantity. Just like me! So I feel anxious.
I received a letter from the gynaecologist -
"I have reviewed the histology following your polypectomy and biopsy on 22/02/2012 and I am pleased to report that there was no evidence of any abnormalities. I hope you find this reassuring".

Now I would except the appointment I had had was on the 21st February not the 22nd and also that I still have these pains. I will call my GP on Wednesday and book another appointment. I will enquire about the results of the scans on Tues 13th March and maybe wait for an appointment after these results are in. I am self-caring.

I've decided not to try and study this morning. I just don't feel energised to be able to absorb information. It creates a stress but I need to allow myself some rest time. I have arranged to go shpping and then afterwards meet Abigail for a walk. I will take my lunch of mackerel and beetroot and salad. And I will return this afternoon and complete an hour of studying. This evening I will go to the AA meeting. I need a peaceful weekend and even though I think there's nothing particularly adventurous about this weekend, it's nice that it's an all slow down weekend. Gentle and undulating rather than ragged peaks and steep dales. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, breathe in slooooooowwly aaaaaaand breathe ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut gently.

Bliss
XX

O man take a pause - the fog is lifting

My friend wrote to me explaining how she was feeling and this is what I wrote back but decided not to send. I thought I was almost being prescriptive and whingeing on about me rather than listening to her.

It sounds so much like menopausal symptoms when you describe your periods - as you know I truly have had some tricky times. All I know is that I needed to talk about it and receive understanding as it felt scary, I have been overwhelmed with a sense of change and loss, and at times been utterly irrational and changeable in my mood. I have needed reassurance.

As always if you need a listening ear I can listen. I truly think my symptoms have reduced recently although notice a thick head and loss of words still. I think the sense of loss and fear about feeling older is also less. I'm more acceptant of the changes even though I have moments still of battling.

There has only been one way through it and that's head first.

Am I right in thinking you believe also that some of your symptoms are hormonal menopausal?

I absolutely am convinced that all the shifts contributed and magnified mental health problems - I oscillated from highs to lows much quicker than I am now and they were much more extreme than recently. My appetite, oh my gosh I've never craved food like it before and I've been a foody since very young.

Often I had a sort of detachment and with it  just could not make sense of much at all.

Not to mention aches and pains and complete energy drains.

I am definitely starting to pull through these symptoms now if that gives any hope at all.

Many many times I just could not see a point in living if this was going to be it! I didn't think I'd ever pull through it you see.

I was so so scared sometimes it felt too much to endure but thankfully I learnt with Stuart and oddly enough through my studies of psychosocial identity about stages of age change and reconciling the shift into a different stage. I didn't want to accept the changes as it felt like giving up. Funny thing is as the hormones are settling down again recently I feel more energised again and less decrepit.

People kept telling me that it would pass at some point but it all felt endless and I felt very alone with it all. I wanted others to talk to who would know what I was going through and understand. But so few people talk openly about the complexities and what seem endless problems.

I was in a fog for several years but think I am stepping through it thank goodness. It does pass even though I thought it was never going to.


And on the subject of friendship and my insecurity ...............

Good afternoon M
Just preparing my lunch and taking a break from my research for my assignment. I've not put any thoughts down in writing yet as I'm still researching yet should be at least half way through first draft according to schedule. Poop! I may already need an extension which disturbs me greatly considering the vast study loads this year. "I NEED MORE TIME", she shouted confused and dismayed.

I was thinking in bed last night about the feeling told off if spending time with other people and befuddled you are about this. Me too but getting some clarity perhaps. I'm completely aware it's my issue, so I hope you don't think I'm apportioning any blame with you.
I realised the feelings came over me yesterday amongst our emailing. I went through our emails rereading them to see what it was and I think it was with reference to this part of your email which I have copied and pasted and italicised to make differentiating simpler.

"I think may be you are living what I have always described as a reality for me - out of sight out of mind - that does not mean I care any less, as you are often in my mind, but you are probably 'closer' to those you speak to more or spend time with - which is how it is, well for me anyway, the people you see become like close (may be even family ??) . I think it would be weird if it wasn't like that. that is why we choose to spend time with people and it feels weird if I choose to spend time with people that I don't want to - like I don't know, an example - G, I decided not to spend time with her as the friendship was not working for me - I don't dislike her but I don't feel as much ease. I am not good with groups - never have been, but especially at mo, but then sometimes I am - it is very weird and it really depends who it is
With you and V and R I feel at ease with when I am with - yet if not with of course the closeness dissipates - well for me anyway - it doesn't mean it doesn't come back almost instantly with contact and seeing one another."

I was confused when you said - I am living what you've described as the reality for you - and then added that's how it is for you. You are not out of my mind on any day at all. I read that as it is me that is doing something that means I'm out of sight out of mind. Is it something I'm doing? If it's about spending time together isn't that both of us?
I'm not a good organiser that's for sure. And I always think you are a very good organiser. I think and correct me if I'm wrong you don't want to be the organiser all the time. And I can understand that so I take responsibility for not being good and therefore my part in less time together recently.
I'm also aware as I said before that I am exhausted after lengthy days with work and travel so midweek it's work, 1:1's after work, meetings and catching up with people en route i.e. AM and AB. And weekends are once again supposedly study time although once per month I am going to London for FA and taking in a gallery afterwards. If ever you feel like meeting me after the meeting I would love that. I think when I asked last you were hectic with your studies.
Talking of which I have just confirmed that I will go to FA on Sat 10th March and afterwards plan to see Picasso exhibition at Tate Britain. Annie is free and is going up earlier in the day to see the Lucien Freud exhibition. Would you be free to meet after my meeting, about 15:00, and go on to see the Picasso exhibition? It would be lovely if you could.

What I interpret when you comment on me spending time with others and that they are then close to me, is that you think I am excluding you somehow. Which of course is not the case at all. Is that what you think or all in my head? I think I marry this with occasions in the past when I have felt excluded with others doing things together without me. Am I right in thinking that there have been similar occasions in the past that have affected you too? I sense that you are affected by these sorts of things and withdraw from those people. I'm scared you'll be less friendly or withdraw from me.
So when I read the above section of your email, I felt that fear. I hope you'll understand that I'm not saying that's how it is necessarily, only you can tell me how it actually is for you, but that's what I fear.
So when I read your email saying that for you when people are out of sight then you are not as close, it scares me. As that is not the case for me. I am close with some people whether I am in regular contact or not. And by close I mean that I consider them my very good and best friends and that includes you. I used to think I had to be BEST friends with a particular friend to keep them but now I realise I can a number of best friends. Over longer periods of time then this dwindles with some people I am aware. As closeness in friendship I believe needs to be nurtured and requires effort but then there are some friends who when I met up with despite time and distance it's just the same as ever and I hold them in my heart the same as ever.

And then of course it depends what you and I mean by closeness. Close in proximity is obvious and for some reason it feels as if we are further apart in that way and yet in all probability we are either nearer or at least the same distance apart as before. I think my working in Woking area makes it feel further away.

But in metaphysical terms (for want of a better word), I feel as close as ever. You know a lot about me, probably more than anyone else, through our history and supporting me through situations or events and being alongside my changing (hopefully) self. I feel at ease in your company even if there are differences of opinion. I learn through you on all sorts of levels. I laugh with you, I discuss with you, I debate ideas with you, I value your thoughts and opinions even when I don't like what I'm hearing because it's challenging my desires, especially when they are not the healthiest of choices.
Sometimes I feel scared of judgement and that inhibits me at times. I need to listen to that fear - sometimes it will be unjust fear of judgement and my codependance. I need to be able to have the worth to just be myself and that is ongong work for me. Other times it'll be because something I'm doing or being is inappropriate and I know you'll comment. I am working on changing this little by little. I am more practised at ducking and diving, it's been a survival technique that has become skewed and destructive over the many years.
I hope you and other friends can forgive me this. It's a work in progress and certainly not perfection.
I have to trust that people who like and love me will stick around despite my shortcomings so long as I'm trying to change. I also am aware that people get on and off the bus.
My hope is that you and I will be friends eternally - this and the next life whatever form that takes if it has a form at all. That's how important you are to me.
And there are times when I really, really miss you and other times I just know you are there. We've had some incredible times together. I don't mean mini adventures necessarily, I mean just living. And that makes me smile. I wouldn't want to lose that if at all possible.

I also get concerned coz I know there are times when you don't want to mix with people at all. You are one of the few people that even when I am my lowest I can sit and enjoy being with you, whether I feel slobbish or not. I'm not sure that it is the same the other way around. But would hope that you know I could be.

Anyway the crux of the matter for me is the fear of being abandoned. I just have to trust that our friendship is real and that means abandonment is unlikely. But then again trust that if for any reason you decided to be absent for any reason that is OK too. I don't like the idea of the latter and would prefer to trust that our friendship is deep regardless of where or what we are doing. Some friendships in my experience can be as strong across distance and time and that is what I have with you. I guess I don't feel as safe with that from you when I read that closeness is less when not so much together. That's my fear I suppose, and I practice accepting that just as it is but remain me anyway. My tendency would be to then defend myself from being hurt and withdraw. Or demand assurances. But I do neither today and simply accept (fears ebb and fall so I need to practice consistency regardless of the ever changing feelings).

I am aware that I feel particularly vulnerable right now and that probably means that everything suddenly feels vulnerable. I am looking for reassurance I suppose and need to get that from myself and my sense of the Universe. Things are as they are and I'm OK and so is everything. Total acceptance and trust. Then all the insecurities just slde away.

Right I've had lunch and feel very sleepy indeed. I think I may take a short nap before re-starting my research. I'm not getting very far very quickly.
It's quite a dry assignment - comparing and contrasting but the exciting bit is saying how far the theories really go to answering questions about attention.
Cognitive psychology is interesting but also not - I can see why the application of cognitive psychology as a therapy feels so dry to me too.

I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this and I also hope that nothing I say is offensive, that's absolutely not my intention. I have written off the cuff, there was some preemptive thinking and I'm sure my realisations will evolve from this point and my fears alter and disappear with time too. I guess this is more adjustment to change which I don't deal well with until I start acknowledging it all.

Thanks for reading all of this - if you've got this far ......


--

Bliss

XX

Full of sound and fury

What a week of blind obstruction moving to awareness and resulting in change and more freedom. Thank you God. Herrrr hmmm, still I feel so vulnerable using that name, God I mean, potentially to be read by others who might freak out and think I'm religious. You see I think of religious people as indoctrinators and single-minded. I hope people will see beyond all of that but know that it can deter so many very quickly. People who won't keep and open mind will have already turned off this page I suspect. Oh well I need to be true to myself but even so I feel a need to once again explain myself. God for me is not in any shape or form connected with a religion. It is a convenient word, yep capital letter included, for the enormity of the Universe and how it works as a force that is more powerful just for it's unstoppable force. It is how it is and that's life. We humans are meager even en masse. Well clearly I do not yet know how to put into words the wonderful sense of being a small cog in something so immense. I hope somehow you will have your own understanding.
This week or actaully two has involved me being in raging fury. It has worked into it's frenzy gradually in the early few days then once it had escalated in me it's been refuelling itself. All I say is in hindsight now. perhaps I should have written more often whilst in the midst of it all so that there was a view of what it was like from the inside. I will do my best as now I feel filled with love and a peace and it's not quite as easy already to write about the intensity with the fullest dynamism.
It revolves around the new boss. Well lets have a little lashing out here as I condescendingly point out not so much boss but merely (that's the vicious bit) team leader. You see if I'd been discussing PD he was most definitely the boss in the very best of that meaning. This one, LK has the title of team leader and thus far I do not see her as anything more than that in title. Oh yes it's still there alive and kicking, the anger. But it's more at a level of disappointment.
A number of events started fuelling my rage, which I feel certain is driven by fear but I haven't quite got in touch with the fear, maybe I will as I write here. A monetary break for a sip of peppermint with liquorice tea. Mmmmm Teapigs as well as a French Menth/Reglisse version. I'm not sure you see that I can recall each event but I will write those that are clearly in my memory. One involved a hospital appointment. It meant that I would be late arriving for work, in fact not until lunchtime. i suggested to the team leader in the capapcity of knowing the office (rather than the controlling versio that I now see) that she would be well advised to get some cover for the morning. She turned to me and suggested that actually I do the late shift then whe needn't get cover as she knows she needs to be aware of expenditure and budgets. I saw red!! I said I would not wish t do that as after having been through various procedures in the gynaecological depratment I would be struggling to return to work let alone work until late. At which point she sniped at me with the comment "well I will need to see a doctor's letter to verify your appointment". To be honest I'm not sure what her exact words were but that was the essence and I heard it said in a very accuational and venomous manner. I replied saying that I was offended and that I am entitled to hospital appointments without hassle. She backed down slightly saying that she didn't know the procedure here and so would have to check it out with NL, clinical manager. The fury started. I guess in rality I was already feeing vulnerable with the whole idea of the appointment. I also felt afraid (here's some of the fear) that suddenly tings that have been accommodated without any issue were going to start being issues, issues that would somehow make everything much harder and steal my freedom and security. Some of this is linked with finances for instance if we now had to start taking appointments at our own cost it would make things even harder for me to go to the docs. For some reason I struggle with this degree of self-care. Lots of vulnerabilities I think were immediately fed into. Not least the difficulty I have working for an outfit that have no concern for employees well-being, or rather little, unlike HR who i realise now were truly investing in people, even if it was because they felt they had to. Competitive staff markets can drive that and also I would like to beleive and investment in people to treat other humanely and encourgae development. Something tthat I don't think I've really experienced or appreciated fully from a little girl and yet can take for granted when I have it. So you see already LK is not PD. Whether he liked it or not he never "turned his nose up" at anything for SH or myself. He was a little more resentful about this sort of thing with AW and I think this links with her resistance to working as a team member. She doesn't want to do many of the things that we generally muck in with to keep everything going. So I understand the resentment as I felt it too. Why should people get the same when they don't put the same in (this is all underlying anger with injustice).
Then there have been several daily working issues that we as a team having been trying to convey as the way we have agreed to do things. LK has argued against them, not hearing us. I think on reflection what I was expecting is that she would come in and frstly do things our way. Discover through experience what works and what doesn't and gradually implement new ideas through discussion and openness. But the fear (there it is) is that she is arguing against that, in a backhanded way criticising our way and telling us to do it differently - straight away. So there she is saying on the one hand I don't want to change anything, it's a great programme you have here and you are a great team", but actually doing something completely the opposite. I hadn't been aware of this until just writing it now. So with each little situation I have become more and more frustrated, not feeling heard at all and overridden. The frustration has been devloping into fury and the fury has been exhuating me causing resentment and fuelling the ever growing fury.
So then it starts to become personal. I can't abide the way she completely goes off track. On one occassion we were processing the previosu group as a team and as we always do. One of the clients had breeched the boundaries and this was not the first time. We felt as a team that we needed to escalate this, more than processing in the group and that there needed to be consequences. This is something agreed between the team and not taken lightly. LK disagreed and started talking about all the things the client needed to be working on. Both SH and I looked at each other incredulously. We know that and yes sure everyone beings new ideas to what a client needs to work on and how. Even writing the the word "needs" seem presumptious. How the hell and who are we to try to determine what the client needs to work on. I get very uncomfortable when colleagues start diagnosing or saying "what they mean by that really is ..." How do we know anything of what the client means, needs, knows unless we have that open communication with them? Anyway SH thankfully said what does that have to do with the fact that boundaries are being breeched and what are the consequences for that? I backed her up as I totally agreed with her. So on a back foot LK complied with our wishes, even though she clearly didn't agree but had not valid argument, only through deflection. I get that though. I mean knowing that I think one way but not being able to back up my argument. I would like to be able to practice saying it ust doesn't feel right to me but as yet I'm not sure why.
Anyhow I thought of her as stupid, really harsh I know but this is how my rage becomes. It's demeaning and cruel which in turn feeds the fury. I witnessed myself bad-mouthing her to a couple of colleagues in another department. I wanted to keep my mouth closed but I just couldn't. The first comment would have been OK but I went on. And then on some more, making sure they knew just how awful things were for me because of her. Puh! Ugly. I knew I didn't feel good about this immediately but didn't know at that time how to do anything about it. Furthermore, their positive comments about her and their negative comments about PD infuriated me even more. I thought "bully for you that she's a breath of fresh air" and was also feelling really angry that they bad-mouthed PD, again! How flipping dare they, they had no idea how good he was and could only see his bullish manner (and actually intolerance of their inefficient and rude attitude, which I agreed with him on but had never found a way to express. PD just never found a subtle way to express himself - at least everyone knew where they stood). Funnily enough as I am writing this I am seeing something that is not quite forming for me. Other people's attitude and the way in which it manifests, all driven by unspoken thoughts and often a lack of awareness of coinciding emotions. I know it, I just forget to step back and invite God into to show me how, what, when.
So there I was stomping about the hospital bad-mouthing here and there, just subtly at times. Little hints at how exhausted I was battling to keep the office together. Grumble, grumble, grumble. And getting more annoyed if people seemed to be nice to her. That even sounds familiar with my dad. I would be furious with the person that was pleasant to him screaming inside "you don't know what he's really like!!!!".
I was aware that I didn't like myself but just didn't know how to stop myself. LK and I had a blow of a situation when talking about staffing needs. It was really SH that insitigated the conversation and when LK fired back at her, I stepped in. I see how drained and angry SH is and I am afraid (there it is again) that she will leave. I don't want to be left by SH. Somehow with PD I feel more secure that he will be around anyway and that I haven't lost him forever. But with SH she is very independant. She has said that she doesn't come to work to make friends she has enough. But I really like her company and like her style. I perform best with SH. I feel safe with her in group. She always knows where she's going. I feel less safe with PD and AW and know that's my attitude to their ways of therapy. I think we all feel safest with SH, well it's what I observe. She is genuine and warm with clients, challenging but in a way that she doesn't generate resistance, often anyway. Only the addic icks out against her not the person themselves. Whereas I can still cause the person to resist me. And PD too. AW can seem very angry in group at times. Actually I'm not quite sure how to describe how she is in group and there are times when she makes spot on observations. I have learnt from SH to not learnt differences in style be away to become split. I want to work with her to keep learning and growing as a therapist. Selfish? It's rare to work with people that can really show me the way. I work with a lot of people that cause me flounder and that's life I guess as it's a common experience for me.
So anyway I have a lot of fear about SH leaving and so find myself backing up things I'm not sure I truly believe in but will argue on SH's side. I notice SH steps back whenever it's not soething she fully supports. So I argued about staffing levels when actually I didn't fully beleive we needed more. But I know SH was even more frazzled than me so I jumped int here and made it my arguemtn. I became raging with fury as she just wasn't listening. When I said this to my sponsor in my daily morning phone call my sponsor suggested that if I wanted to be heard I needed to listen. Oh yes of course, but could I apply this no, no, no. Not until yesterday actually, when once again we were discussing but more like arguing completely opposing views about what consequences should be applied if someone repeatedly relapses. LK's argument was that this is a relapsing illness but as AM pointed out yes it is but it's not a using programme. Loved it! Anyway the point of change in me here is that I actually heard her say "yes you both have your view on this but I have mine too and it's different". I heard this and I acknowledged that, saying that this is something else unresolved that would be good to discuss in supervision and find a way forward as a team. Phew! I stepped back. Thank you God. Thank you. I felt so good about this and actually putting into action the intelligence I know at an intellectual level. And I also see my utter need for control. Nothing can be different you see. If she makes changes to little things, she will change everything and overall it's a damned good programme. Plus she is going against her world. She IS wanting to change things. It's not to say that there will be good things introduced BUT it's against her word and making changes before she fully knows what is so good about the programme. I don't want to lose everything that is so valued, reputation included.
Fear! My reputation is included in the success but can equally be a part of a disaster. Inside this does not need to matter. Practice caring not to care, another pearl from my sponsor.
Thank goodness for FA and the disciplines I follow - quiet time, daily calls to my sponsor, daily readings, weighing and meauring my food, calling out to other FAers. And most importanly for my growing relationship with God. Throughout all of this, this self-hatred for the fish-wife appearance of my rage, the rage itself, I have not over or uner eaten. I have stuck with my food plan and as of yesterday I had lost another 7 pounds since my last weigh-in on 30 January. This is a way of life for me now. A commitment. No flour and sugar, weighing and measuring and following the suggestions just gives me freedom and a confidence that I have so much more space to continue developing as a person to be the person I would olike to be - and more than that too, I now believe, as I cannot see beyond my linits of knowledge from previosu experience. But I do have an inner soul knowledge that there's more. I have faith. Even though I forget to turn to faith and God in every situation, I am practicing more and more to do this.
And because of this I had a little breakthrough on Tuesday evening. I had had supervision as both a team and then individually. How I value supervision. I talked through my rage. PT kindly reminded me he was aware that eh could slip into therpay and this was clinical supervision. He is setting boundaries with me, I can feel them and I appreciated his honesty the other day with acknowledging that he likes me and so can swayed into a sort of collusion with me, this was referring to my case study, but I think I have sensed it slightly in other situations too. I respect his boundaries and feel them. So I enjoyed anyway expressing myself and also my realisations. I was very hectic afterwards, 1:1, brief meeting with a client, dinner, Aftercare. During my dinner break the opportunity presented itself that I had been praying for. CJ one of the nurses was also eating his supper. He made comment on LK's responsiveness to child safety in connection with one of our clients. I seized my oportunity to say only good things about her. And then I went into the office and told her about CJ's complimentary comments about her vigilence. Then even better, I knew that I did not need to speak a sorry to her unless as my sponsor pointed out to me I am making changes in my attitude and behaviour. Of course I hadbeen finding this difficult but with God's help this altered as soon as paid her a compliment. I did by the way say that I appreciated her vigilence too around this matter, never really knowing before how to approach this matters when feeling concerned.  So on the way to work as the love was beginning to re-enter my soul, I decided I would buy her some flowers. Just a little bunch of purple tulips. I arranged them with care, enjoying getting all the stems in a pattern as importably as how the flower itself looked. She said she truly appreciated this. I hadn't known what I was going to ay and wondered too if SH and AW would think I was being a traitor. However, I meant it and the words flowed easily. I said it was just a little token to acknowledge how difficult this was for her just as much as it was for me and that it wasn't personal. I said that I really appreciated what AW had said in supervision, reiterating the fact that she was new and we were all in a state of flux. Well in so mnay words she said this, this is my own version of the actual situation. And I continued to say the same to LK when we were in together yesterday morning before AW arrived. I said that it's going to be a bumpy path but that we will get there. I'm not sure if she heard me (she's deaf too, and wears hearing aids - I think sometimes she chooses not the hear mind you). As I was leaving last evening she once again said she really valued the gesture and said she would leave the tulips on her desk until the weekend when she would take them home. The rage in me thinks she wants the others to see because if she can break through me she might be able to get through to the others too.
I realise I'm not so flexible when things are being desconstructed. Intellectually I know that a deconstruction might bring more that is good. But I'm terrified that it will deconstruct what is good and be replaced with shoddiness. I don't see much yet that gives me faith that she is overall good. Can she make things work? Her fixation on the child protection seems as if she's hanging onto something she feels safe within and the rest she's uncertain about. I fear that she will want to be an "Addictions unit" pure and simple yet we do so much more than that. I noticed i group how she kept things at a very superficial level, but the clients were expressing fears about relapse so it was bearable. I was critical and I can do that with other therapists. Because I want to be more psychodynamic not just an addictions therapist. Well differences of styles are good for the group. If we all did it one way there would be less dynamics in our programme. How wonderful to be able to write about going with the flow. Now I would like with your help God to flow with the flow.


One thing I would like to write about here is the part a conversation with my dad last Tuesday will haev played in my escalating anger. Having been to the hospital on Tuesday morning, where they prodded and pulled at the very heart of my femininity, painfully, I decided to call my dad en route to work. It was a longer jounrey that normal as I was at QA hospital, Portsmouth. I was very tearful actually, wanting my mum. Wanting to be held in my tearfulness and feeling violated in some way even though I knew they were just trying to help. They had performed a little operation tehre and then, removing a polyp. This she said was the cause of the bleeding, but I've been bleeding ever since. I hope she's right and that it's just been the gradual healing of the removal of the polyp. The pain in my pelvic region seems to be consistent, if not worse at times. I hopet he scan on 13th March reveals an explanation for that and it's not complex or corrosion causing. Before I called him I realised I wanted binge foods. A great bif bag of stuff and lie on the settee chomping through sugar and flour products watching endless films or TV rubbish. Remembering what was said to me during a phone call with an FA person; what is it your actually wanting from the desire for a particular food?, well in this case it was comfort; to feel snug and warm and comforted, hugged and held. I recognised this and even though I had to go to work knew that I could organise that when I got home and started looking forward to curling up on the sofa in my big red comfort jumper and watch a film, all cosily. IN the meantime I needed to get through work, which was challenging to say the least. I kept feeling tearful and of course this added to my resentment fuelling my rage, stomping about telling people how affronted I was with her comment about the note. Anyhow, I couldn't get a hold of my dad. So afer work I called him again to say Happy Birthday - 84 years old. Blimey. He thanked me for his card and so I made a remark about him liking Spike Milligan, t which he cut me down and disparaged him. I felt hurt. I tried again saying how I remember watching him laugh when I was a little girl and laughing with him not knowing why. I mentioned my truth in that I'd been to QA, sadly a reglar haunt for him and his wife. Then someone called out and he said he had to go but ould call soon. He didn't though. Being vulnerable with  him for instance telling him really what's going on for me. And the insanity is expecting him to be diffrent. And then the hurt that my rights haven't been met. Huh! Rights? No acceptance at all of him as him. But as always I absorb this inwardly, almost clamly but in a sinister way and then WHAM! Which int he past has manifested itself through wild partying, drikning, drugging, sexually acting out and either anorexia or overeating. It wasn't like that to being with but gradually built up to be exactly that regularly. But that's how this addiction escalates. Not one of them was enough on their own in the end or only some of the time. A poly addict!
Today it's so different. I talk about these thigns with my sponsor and other FA'ers. I can also talk about this at meetings now as I've achieved my 90 days. I can write here in my blog, whether anyone reads it or not is of no matter. I write because it's gorwth and clarity for me. It's eventual clarity sometimes as in the midst of things it is difficult to see the wood for the trees. But writing, talking, sharing, not acting out, asking for God's help this all contributes to picking my way through the trees and back to the path. This is enlightenment. Not all at once even though that's what I think I need. Oh no, this is enlightenment through experience, contemplation in quiet time and mulling over ideas with people who have also experienced life's tapestry, insane thinking an all.


Thank you God.
And you know what? As God's love started filling me it occurred to me yesterday to call my dad and tell him I love him. And so I did. A little clumsily admittedly. There was a lot of fumbling on his part and off he went in a flurried click of the phone line. He called me back - angrily because he couldm't get hold of me. I explained I was at a meeting to which he again fumbled about with " oh oh one of oh". He cannot or will not accept anything to dow ith me being an addict. And he then muttered about meeting up and hurting his back again. I said look I am off next week so can drive down to Hayling and meet you somewhere there as he had aid in a recent call that he prefers to meet me on his own. Good that suits me better too as clearly his wife doesn't want to have anything at all to do with me and I feel the same. She strikes me as very angry indeed and quite nasty but I don't really know. So he will call he says and arrange a day after I've submitted my essay. Which I need to start working on now.


Thank you for reading if you've got his far ....


Bliss
XX

Blob-di-blob

It's mighty cold! A wonderful day to walk though. Very cold but with the sun beaming through. There is something so satisfying about getting home into the warm after a walk in the fresh and cold air.
I had layers and layers on so actually didn't get too cold in my body. My face was fresh and ruddy.
Now it's a little cold - I can feel a chilliness around my feet so getting Val prepared (hot water bottle).
I have studied well today. Not fast but well. I'm taking heed of study skills for my learning styles. I am slower than many people who are attuned ... however, it doesn't mean I am neither stupid or incapable. I just need to take time. Which is something I have little of.
I need to update my CV and get it off to the recruitment agency. I would like to work more locally. Just seeing people getting ready ad leaving later in the morning and getting home earlier is tantalising.
I am very thankful to be employed and grateful to have a job that I enjoy - not necessarily the company and its politics but the work itself.
I can afford to pay my bills. Not a lot more and yet today I have booked the OUPS overview day and also employed the services of P to help me compile the case study. I need it out of the way and I have little time now to get it into something orderly for presentation. If he can help me then I will be delighted. I think I was trying too hard but also had procrastinated too long. Now I need all the time available to me to study. I would like to do well over the next 2 years. They matter in the weighting but also the past 2 years have not been great marks. Part of one year spent with JH and the other finding it difficult to really concentrate. I hope the menopause fuzz doesn't play such a big part this year.
How lucky it is I'm on annual leave this week. As for the past 2 days I have had a period. The first after such a long time. Maybe so much as a year or more ago. I feel sure that there have been very light spottings. But this is a real drain. I ache through all the lower half of my body. I had noticed the piercing pain in my right side, lower than my abdomen, most certainly to do with my female parts, had been hurting more.

Realisation - not fancying a man at all but just not being able to help myself. They are attentive and nice to me and I just can't help myself and suddenly need them to continue to be nice to me. And then if it seems they withdraw even slightly I get needier and believe that I do fancy them. Then I am also ashamed of this need of someone I don't find attractive.
Why? There must be something about them that must trigger something in me. I know one thing is feeling a person can take care of me. And on Saturday what was odd behaviour by a man I know may have dipped into this.
What actually happened? Well in the morning previous to leaving I was incredibly anxious. Social phobia of a particular sort. The large amount of people, the awkwardness of being alone. I spilled it all out to my sponsor who said she could hear my anxiety. She helped me to slow it all down. I just needed to breathe and if I was sitting on my own I could trust God that I would be OK. She was so right. I knew it.
Anyway as I was checking in L was behind me. I felt a presence. He didn't actually say anything. Strange I thought. I smiled and said hello and I would imagine appeared pleased to see him as I would with anyone I have known before.
As we moved further into the cafe, he said "hold on a moment". He slowly reached forward and moved a hair from my eyelash. I thought this was a very odd thing to do. He is not attractive to me physically in any way whatsoever. He is a nice enough chap though although at times speaks so quietly and quickly I can't grasp all he says. I noticed though that as the day went on he was clearer in his speaking. perhaps that is his own lack of confidence showing through. I felt quite indignant at this act though. I didn't say anything yet wondered all day about his motives. Yes indignant I remained. And yet ... there was something good about it that someone would do something like that. Perhaps he does fancy me and that's a relief as I feel so unattractive and incidentally I don't attract any men to speak with me who I find attractive. Something all so unconsciously odd going on don't you think.
As this week has gone on I have wondered what it was that permitted him to do something like that. I wondered if he had read about it or been told about it as a chat-up action. Indignant I remained. Then I remembered what S had said to me maybe some 2 years ago now when I was indignant with ego back then about a man. His exact words I don't remember but the inference was that I had something to do with it. What was it about me that gave him permission to do it? I certainly didn't put any boundaries down after the event although he didn't do anything like that again during the day. He was nothing but courteous. What the hell would I have said anyway? I will raise this with B.
And then he took my email address. I didn't not want to be friendly and keep in contact although before I hadn't given him a thought after the last course and OUPS days. Hmmmm. He emailed me the next day and I replied by that evening. I knew I was compelled to reply yet ashamed as I do not fancy him in anyway whatsoever. Is that being just friendly? Is it? I don't actually know. It's like not knowing what a helathy sized meal looks like. I have no idea.
So I am glad to have spoken about with A this evening and also get identification so that I don't feel so weird and disgusted with myself for my return email.
I need some help around this. I don't know what a healthy bottom line would be. I know that it feels wrong for example to maintain contact with JC. I mentioned it to B but haven't dropped the contact. I wuld hate it if my partner were doing what he is doing. It's simply having that contact an constant intrigue without anything ever develping beyond that. But it's not deent to his wife.
Some people would say well there is no harm being done. But there is. It feels rotten to say, sorry can't be text friends anymore. I have only flirted a few times and then ever so subtly and he hasn't responded. Yet somehow I get the feel that this is not all OK. He was having a sex affair, he loves another woman who has cut contact with him. Hmmmmm. All is not OK.
It's more obvious to me probably because I am getting more and more clarity all round.

The lectures on Saturday were so interesting. PTSD. The first was about PTSD in children. William Yule reowned it seems as he is called in to help with incidents arund the world where there is mass devastation. He was involved in the Herald of the Free Enterprise and the effect on children. It was only that long ago that people started to identify that PTSD affected children. Of course originally it was etected in veterans of Vietnam. Beofre that I guess it was called shell-shock.
The next speaker Emily Homes talked about visual imagery or flashbacks. Now I was intrigued as the the association of reliving traumas through visual memories. I wondered about D who has no visual memories. Would there be emotions from past memories if there are no images. Would these people ever suffer with PTSD if flashbacks are such a part of the condition? Interesting research perhaps.
There is a term for not having visual images but I can't find it and Emily said it three times without me really getting what she was saying. I felt too embarrassed to ask again.
Then who? And about what. Oh yes the biological state of PTSD. What was going on in the brain. David L - can't remember his name. Clearly very knowledgable indeed but I found it repetitive and actually felt very sleepy by that time.
Then Peter Naish and his references to hypnosis and EMDR as possible cures. To be honest I'm not sure what else he was saying.
I was indeed very interested in the training that William Yule made reference to. Specialised training of psychologists to be able to treat large numbers of children as well as finding the resource to treat individuals. I would imagine anything I could get involved in would be difficult and costly but how fantastic to be working alongside him if ever there was a need. In my dreams.

Studying has gone well today. I will be getting another early night as I feel achey and drained of energy with this flipping period. Not to turn against myself as B reminded me this morning. I am disappointed but I don't feel down on myself. As she said it's very symbollic of things flowing through me. I have always felt a period is cleansing. And also she made the connection with the unusual event of last week in group. Did I write about it?
I don't know. I have spoken about it a few times so maybe I did maybe I didn't. It's very relevant on 2 accounts really. 1 that it was supernatural and they are few and far between yet interesting, 2. I have been thinking about the pregancy terminations I've had in the past and feeling sad - grief.
I was in group co-facilitating with S. A client was being asked about situations in her life. I have been feeling immense sadness anyway around her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something white on my arm and even felt a feather-lite weight there. I thouht it must have been my scarf and lifted my arm to shake it off and back into place. As I looked there was nothign there and I had a sense that it was a baby. After the group I explained this to my colleagues who took me seriously when I thought they might not. When I verbalised that I had a sense it was a baby I felt very vulnerable. I felt vulnerable because I thouht they would think I am too strange to be allowed to work with clients. Anyhow they didn't, they both were supportive of the concept even saying that it was some deep connection. The S revealed that the client had had a baby terminated. This is what I am connecting with her at a visceral level. I didn't know about this. I so wished I hadn't shaken the baby off. It needed holding and grieving. For her and for me. I'm not connected to any emotion as I type this. However, when I was speaking to B about it she said something, I can't remember what, and I felt the sadness rise in me and tears formed. I am already geetting used to this though. I would have been a mother to boys and girls but I killed those babies. One termination in particular was very difficult for me. I actually had an induced birth. Painful and quite weirdly traumatising as I was drugged up and in and out of a doziness. I had to be awake of course. Horrid! I made those awful choices and am not proud that I was simply too scared to tell my mum. She would not have approved. And prior to that I simply was too selfish to give up my life. A has said sorry to me which was a realisation for him when he discovered he could not have children with his wife. How sad for us both. I could not have a child with me. So selfish and yet it was the decisio a th the time. Thre is no going back. I give those children to God to take care of. That was when I connected with the sadness and can feel it slightly now.

More and more I am connecting with God. I am very thankful. I feel a shift in my negativity. I hope with God's help I will continue to heal and grow.

I am grateful to fellowship and thank God for my engagement with it. I am pleased I have made a commitment to no relationships with men for a year. I do not want nor need a relationship. I need the space to develop a relationship with me, clean of food, God and the fellowship.

That reminds me I have not made 3 calls today. It feels too late now. I will make some calls in the morning and at lunchtime tomorrow.
Thursday already - I would love more time off with pay without losing leave entitlement. I do not want to be without emplyment - just less time spent in work without losing any income.
God if it's Your will please can you help with this. I know I need to update my CV. Let's see if I can do a little of that now.

Oh and have been watching Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress. What a beautiful little film by Dai Sijje. It's mainly autobiographical.

Bye for now
Bliss
XX

Sashaying towards enlightenment

An enlightening session with my therapist. I was talking about the cruel games played out in the playground when I joined the scary school in Godalming. And I talked about not knowing why but how scared I was in the house there. Dark images flitted across my mind as I was talking and I explained that my parents had to move from there within 6 months. It was pointed out that by that time things had already happened at a much younger age and informed me that I was fundamentally bad and full of shame. This started making sense. I do feel bad and am a shamed based person. So I really am looking to be affirmed and always worried that I will be found out to be bad. And then can be shamed as I deserve to be. It was discussed how I was having sex as a child before I even had a chance to get to know my dad. And that has been played out ever since. I have often wondered why I can enjoy sex with a virtual stranger but as we get into what is supposed to be a loving relationship I being to hate and despise them if they wish to have sex with me. It has all seemed so arse about face. It suddenly made absolute sense. That is all I know. The only way because actually I am not good enough anyway.
It's odd because as I am writing this I am thinking that all the sexual abuse is made up in my mind. But as I sit there and SC referred to it I didn't, it was as if he made me jump and suddenly the disgust was felt in the sexual parts of my body. I immediately wanted to cover up my hands and curl up feeling the disgust and exposed all at the same time. He spent a lot of time talking about how the talking about things that had gone on last year within the M/s relationship and supposed love relationship, this has opened further trust from me and the ability to start releasing the shame and beginning to realise that I am not bad. I feel sad that it's been taking so long and all happening so slowly. I am guessing that some people get sober and start healing this stuff straight away although I know from my own working experience that is not the case. It's that "I am bad" effect. Because this is how I am doing it it must already be bad.
I am glad SC is such an expert in this area. As I know, seeing other therapists who know little about this leaves me coming away with a feeling of the shame, whereas I leave SC and I feel heard and not ashamed. He is framing it for me and I am gaining some clarity. I was thinking that the speaking of more recent situations would heal that shame but as it's all so connected it really is starting to heal the entire thing.
I spoke about observing my anger and this wasn't the area that SC honed in on.
I had been saying how deathly I have been feeling. He asked me if I like my job - I am pretty certain he knows I love my job. He asked me why and I gave him plenty of reasons. I did say I didn't like the politics and he smiled saying that P is renowned for that. Anyway he kept relating to work. One thing he said that I am not certain what he meant fully or even if I heard him correctly ... was that if something in my working day arouses the shame in me then I am going to be wanting to act out. I wonder if he was thinking that something had triggered my shame which had launched me into needing SL in the first place or during that time on SL I was getting drawn to the M/s lifestyle because something had already been triggered in me. It was a sort of gradual progress.
First of all I met two people and asked them lots of questions. They were very open and she was receiving awful physical punishments apparently. Who knows if she was actually acting them out as it was all via SL. Then I inadvertently encountered Senor Dante. He made contact with me, summoned me to his place and then we entered into the M/s acting out over the SL environment. It was truly distant. And then I encountered JH in an area where another less pleasant M had taken me. I made the contact and offered the idea up. He was there  and so I assumed he was involved. He claimed to be innocent. Anyway it was like a spiral into the entire thing. And then very quickly he made it real life ad I was very deeply involved.
I was aroused by the control, by the attention, by the intrigue and intensity, by the sexual arousal of course and the total giving of myself. I was not in control of my destiny. The trouble started when it was mixed with JH suggesting he wanted a loving relationship. But there had to be doubt ... the very mature of our meeting, his very apparent knowledge, his lieing etc etc. I would be repeating myself. But there was not much of a dissimilarity. Before I had got to know him there was a sexual interaction and I cannot remember ever being in a relationship that started differently. In a progressive way, meeting a man meant that I gave of myself so completely there was little of me left. This was without there being a formal submissive role. I just played straight into that and then as time passed I would start to get to know them and realise that there was not the compatibility of minds and principles etc etc. Similar. And of course this is how it was with my dad. It started off incorrectly. He didn't know me and I didn't know him yet it was inappropriately all messed up - yuch I don't even like to think or write about it . Some of it is juts fuzzy memories until I can remember specifics in my teens.
So all this makes sense - and in my mind I know that a real loving and cherishing relationship would involve meeting people and getting to know them - nothing physical for around 3 months or maybe a little longer. Discovering the person and not the sex. I enquired if SC thought people do actually do that - he said absolutely. But sadly the western way is not geared up anymore like this and there are a lot of people acting out in unhealthy ways. Not cherishing something potentially so very special. I agree with him but would right now be scared and that's what has always happened. Because I do not feel good enough, fundamentally bad, I assume they will disappear if I don't submit and give of that very sexual intimate part of me. I feel sad as I write that, sad for the little girl who is not bad at all and is not the shame she feels - that was put upon her. This little girl deserves better. I feel that intensely. And I want it.
If I never met anyone again right at this moment it would be OK if it was because there was no one decent enough to be respectful. I do not judge others when I say that - where there are no consequences on the person there is no problem. But for me there is a consequence. I do not feel wholesome or valued and then feel shame and bad.
There is certainly room in this lifetime for me to heal and enjoy the people that match beautifully with me.
Peace. I am seeing him again a week on Monday.
He is such a help along my way.

I am afraid of that boredom which creeps in and devevlop into the devlish desires .... need SLA close to help with that. That's the desire that escalates without support. Addiction!! People are so unaware.
I would like to add something at this point - I am not saying anyone didn't love me when they said they did. I think it was their version of love which is only my opinion. But what I am saying is that I mistake things as love in the way I want it to be and to date no one has shown me what I consider to be true love. But we will all have our own versions of ...
I consider love to be gentle and respectful, honest and transparent, centred and full, sharing, trust, separateness and togetherness. This is just for starters. I like to think that there are people out there with similar ideals about love who would want to work for that togetherness of merging ideals. I hope everyone finds their love with someone who merges with them. Or if not enough love for self to be content and surrounded by strong and supportive friendships to draw companionship and love in a different way.
Bliss
XX

Purlieu

My place to roam around freely, my own bounds and confines.

Take whatever steps you can take without the fear of not being supported. Redefine the concept of support, and abundance so that it is not only money, but that it comes in whatever form is required and remembering that the definition of abundance is simply the ability to do what you want to do when you want to do it, no matter how it may happen. quote from Bashar

A must read for anyone interested in aiding health - especially useful hormonal info today
http://health-in-hand.co.uk/blog-2/


I have finally told those special few that I will not be returning to SL. It has sucked the life out of me now. Peda remains in tact in case some day in the future ...... but for now I realise I cannot deal well with the ingenuine people I am too sensitive. Instead I want to turn towards the good and light. I am not judging anyone at all - it is me that does not know how to deal with it. I have a lot of healing to do from the past and from recent experiences re-opening old wounds. No one in SL or Rl is to know those wounds exist - I need to stop being vulnerable with people who I am not safe with. A big lesson has been shown to me now I hope to learn to use the information provided.
I feel very sad saying goodbye but I cannot be sentimental about this - I wish to survive.

Bliss
XX