Destiny

I would like to share something a tad peculiar but think you'll  understand. It relates to hearing that someone in the rooms, a man I've been really fond of in the meetings, (not in any other way than adoring him for being funny and really quirky and lovely), anyway he died early yesterday morning, It was expected, he had Cancer. The Cancer escalated all very quickly though. I knew he hadn't been expected to live long when someone has been kindly keeping me informed over the past few weeks. This morning I knew he hadn't arrived yet. I felt he is hanging around a bit. I thought that about my dad - not that he was hanging around. I don't think he did that but he hadn't arrived for quite some time. I don't even know where the point of arrival is or what it is. I was telling this man this morning that he is free and needs to go. But he is struggling to let go. I know I sound bonkers. It's like the colours I see. I don't tell anyone any more because it's all in the mind. Odd thing is I sense my dad has been close the last couple of days. My mum pops in and out. I think it's all ways of me reconciling things when I think about it logically.

When you understand, Bliss, that what most people really, really want is simply to feel good about themselves, and when you realize that with just a few well-chosen words you can help virtually anyone on the planet instantly achieve this, you begin to realize just how simple life is, how powerful you are, and that love is the key. 

Fly little bird, 
    The Universe

Dedicated to all the unknown victims, known and unknown

There are times when I think I have to be truly insane. Things just don't make sense.
Spending 461 years in Spring Creek Correctional Centre, Robert Hansen abducted and killed a lot of women. The bodies of 11 were only ever found.
One of his abductees told her story contributing to the film The Frozen Ground. I've just watched it. It coincides with having been "courting" in modern day ways, i.e. Skype with DW. He's a very nice man. I find myself just not believing that to be true but so wanting it to be. Amongst many films this was one he downloaded for me, completely innocent of my past. Not that I have been abducted but I've been to dark corners, corners I would not wish for anyone. In this film Cindy says to the cop and I paraphrase "all my life since I was young, I really wanted a chance to believe someone . When they say everything's going to be okay, they're actually telling the truth. It's okay to ask isn't it?"
As these words were creeping in, they landed somewhere profound. I found myself crying and crying, repeating over and over "it's not him, it's not him." I meant by this that I cannot expect it to be DW. It wasn't GS. He couldn't be believable. It can't be anyone. I think somehow I am believing MW is believable. It's not that he says it will be okay in any way I'd like it to be. It never can you see. Things have happened. That never ever can be changed. My mum said everything would be okay in the morning. Always she said to think about the flowers growing. I used to see flowers on a grave. I never told her.
I feel panic subsiding as I'm writing this. I am so relieved to have God now in my life because even in those moments of panic setting in I could just hear God. Only just but I could hear God nonetheless. I do have God whom I can believe that whatever happens everything will be okay. Even in death. I do not have to be in those terrifying places anymore but I am scared. I take the risk every time. It's always a risk, no assurances. I absolutely know that now. After all these years, searching, searching for that someone I could believe in.
Psychologically I have studied enough to know that psyche has been affected. Whether all or any of the theories are the truth or not, it's there, never to go away. I sense with my recent client there is something deep and sinister but I didn't want to believe it. I spoke with S from FA and she talked my language of this believing once but not believing now that these awful things happened. Feeling things in my body, slipping into trauma so easily. I am so relieved that SC helped to find ways to stabilise myself. This could easily have been a trip back into the red room.
Thank you God for always being there. I don't know what I believe but I believe it will all be okay even if that's death. I am not afraid of that. I guess I am not even afraid of being injured anymore. It's happened and so what?

How funny this is all squashed down now as I've received a text from a friend. This friend is the one whose sister was murdered when we were both 17 yrs of age. It still haunts me. My friend tends to have blanked things out and this works for her. I truly believe that these things sit in our psyche somewhere. But maybe I'm wrong and for some people they never have to take another look. Who knows?

My panic and hurt is gone with a simple text. Another person I cannot tell. I was writing this entry and wondering who I wanted to talk to, knowing I want someone to know how it feels. Really to find someone who can identify to see if how I feel is real. It's sad I need to find someone outside of me to know whether these feelings and reactions are real. So sad.

God, I pray for all the victims to find freedom in their souls.

Off to study

Bliss
xx

 

A song for Dad

If I were to sing a song to my dad what would it be?
It needs to be one of forgiveness, forgiveness of myself right now. I watched a film call Song for Marion. My gosh it was full of similarities. A father and son who did not get along as their mother and wife was dying of Cancer. She was upbeat and loved both her husband and son. She loved her husband even though he was a grump. She loved her son, saying "he's a good boy". That hurt as I can only think that over the years I brought my parent a lot of trouble.
I was burning the candle at both ends, I was financially irresponsible, I was hedonistic and selfish with it, I chose men that were really inappropriate and unavailable in many ways. I worked addictively and then burnt out. I drank addictively and ended up using drugs. I just wanted to be loved.
I don;t know if I could have a drink again without it getting out of hand. I do tend to think it was circumstantial. I think I fell into using drugs and quite frankly I know I couldn't use them recretionally and intermittently. I wanted them and more very quickly. I should go along to an NA meeting. I probably need an AA meeting as I was really thinking I might have a drink. If it weren't for my job and my food recovery I would drink I think. FA says no alcohol. It's sugar and mind altering.
I have so many regrets about my behaviour and please God I need to find forgiveness as right now it feels painful seeing my part in the animosity in the relationship with my dad.
For goodness sake, resorting to escorting. My parents must have been despairing, thankfully they didn't know. As far as I'm aware.
Well I just had a call from an FA friend C. It was interesting talking with her as she is questioning the whole alcohol abstinence.Not believeing she is an alcoholic she wants to be able to have a drink but more importantly it's to do with what others will think. I'm long past that I said, havinf just had the same thoughts I suppose with LW. When he said we can share time over a good glass of wine. My, that's a very tempting thought. And being in Paris with ML would be a lovely time to be in a cafe having a glass of good French wine. The thing is when I used to visit places I used to spend most of my time frequenting drinking venues and staying there. There are some cities, like Zurich that I found a bar and a few of us stayed there all day. Then spent the vening drinking as well. Too lazy to tour around. Sometimes it was because I felt too large to tour around and so easier to just jabba the hut it in a bar drinking. So yes it was a usefyul call for me. Then a call from L who has decided to have a breka from meetings completely. She was struggling to make it a bridge to normal living. Somehow the commitment was not suiting her. Maybe she won't need that constant feeling of fellowship and the reminder. Some people don't. They stop drinking and live happily ever after. I like the fellowship, the understanding of difficulites with day to day living and thinking. I am no longer so despairing but an evening like yesterday can still flaw me. It's good to have people to help step out of the potential quagmire and downward spiral.
This morning I still have a feeling of remorse hanging over me and some of it involves G.
I am thinking of sending this email .... I suspect he would delete it without een reading it. But at least I would have said what I truly think.

Hello G

I am a friend of yours whether you want that friendship or not. Whatever happens I will always think so very highly of you. I have thought that since meeting you and think it today still.

I am very sad that the relationship between us didn't work out and I regret even more that you feel so badly about me as a person.

I do make a lot of mistakes, fumbling through life situations. I don't find it easy. Amidst all of that, it is NEVER my intention to do any kind of harm to YOU or anyone.

You are a good person G and I am truly, truly grateful for the great times I have shared with you. I will hold those in my heart always.

I knew that I needed some time without contact and maybe could have expressed that more clearly. I didn't mean to piss you off so. I hoped you might be understanding of that and although you don't trust me, trust that it is not because of you.

I wish you only good and really mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

 

Bliss

 

 

What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I? I guess if unsure I will wait and re-read and see if it's still the right think to do. The intent behind it is valid. I would like him to know that I have no evil thoughts of him. I didn't like things that happened between us. The mix just wasn't right as a couple. Perhaps there isn't anyone that will be the right chemistry with me as I am. But it doesn's stop me liking these people.

On Friday I went out with a flurry of petticoats, red cha cha heels and hat boxes. As a result I left my keys in the door and the door unlocked. I sudenly remembered this when I was too into my journey to work to turn back. The I was agonisig about whether it was valid enough reason to phone the vicar of the local church. I might know people to say hello to but I don;t have people's numbers. My downstairs neighbour has given me his number  now. I think I may have lost that too now! I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I keep losing words again and get fearful that this is the onset of dementia or something serious. Especially with these dizzy spells and heart flutters. On the otherhand it could be menopause connected and just less noticeable as some of the more noticeable side effects when larger are not present now. Anhyway in my clumsy way I phoned him having talked with an FA person (as nuts I think as me, S) who agreed that it would be an okay thing to do to ease my fears. Break ins etc. I called, told him I was a bit bonkers and he did walk around to my flat, finding the keys in the door. He didn't want to disturb T (downstairs neighbour) so early but delivered the keys to him later in the day. How very kind. Now I will make a donation to the church - what should I donate?
Which reminds me. I need to count up the AA pot and pay the two lots of rent outstanding by cheque and bank the £198 into my account. I'm so lapse about this. I'd like to ahnd that commitment over actually. I'd much rather do something I'm better at. Oh well.

Being a "modelle" has so far been fun. I'm a model for an art class. They have thanked me for sitting so still. It's hardly the pose in the Girl with the pearl earring painted by Vemeers. And I'm far from a girl. Their paintings are not at all like me. Even the artists very fast impression is nothing like me I find. This were the creations I managed to photograph on Day 1 and then Day 2. 2 more days to go. Some people are only doing 2 days some people are doing the one piece over the days they are there. Some people are doing lots each time. It's interesting the references he makes to other painters and discussions about techniques. I think I should like to have lessons. I guess this is what the masters did and how they found proteges perhaps.

 Day one

 Day one

 Day two

 Day Two

 Day two

 Day two (one of many)

 Day two

 Day two

 Day two later on

 Day two

 Day two (tutors fast start)

 

 

 

A very emotive film for me. A Song for Marion

 

Cast includes Terence Stamp, Vanessa Redgrave, Christopher Ecclestone, Gemma Arterton in

Paul Andrew Williams.

Humour but truly a pluck on grief within me. I think the acting was as ever outstanding by these very professional actors. It's a snippet in time before death and only a brief glimpse of the interactions around that.

I am not sure if it is sheer brillance because it's so real or if being so close to some of my reality makes it seem master work.

I have been thrown into my grief as a result of watching it, hence the opening theme of this entry today. Remorse, loss, sadness, internal turmoil, reconciliation.

 

It was a lovely light relief and a nice surprise when LW phoned me just as I was getting ready to go out for something to eat.

I would really like it if I had freinds with males as well. A mix of social people in a group. There was a largegroup of men at the pub last night. A team of some sort I would suggest. A wedding was taking place and the bride was so young looking and pretty. The guys were all so young as well. I was cynical in my thoughts and wish for them all that none of them follow a journey like mine has been. However, I can turn to the gloom of it all and forget to see the wonder of the journey too.

And today I've had a call with L, C and now my friend S too. It's lovely to have this friendship and connection.

Thank you Universe - beaming smiles

 

Bliss

x



 

Assymetry

A distorted image of who my parents were that I didn't want to let go of and then they both died without me ever being able to directly make amends.
Shit!

Bliss

Irretrievable loss

Women seem to deal with loss and grieve better than men it seems to me. Men don't seem to have a clue.
Loss seems a death to men is about losing and it makes men want to get even. There is anger. And get back at something or someone when there's nothing to really gain.

It seems that some people really liked my dad. The way his step daughters spoke about him.

How can I help anyone in my job without being a trained wife, daughter, partner, friend, human being.
It is different being a therapist, seeing someone else's lie is much easier with academic knowledge and training.

I learnt more about my father over the last years than I ever did beforehand.
Some things my dad did were just awful. But with T he seems to have done things that I just could not associate with my dad. Who was this man they talked about. A wicker coffin, a man who liked things he's never liked before. He was interested in things like the cinema and cruising when he wasn't before.
I had thought he was disregarding my mother somehow.
He chose this new life.
He chose other people when I was younger, other women, lies and not my mum and I. I thought for as long as I know that he didn't like me. He didn't like very much at all. He thought things I liked were pointless. I thought things he did were awful and his interests futile. And yet I looked up to him
Not everyone makes a good parent. My dad always said he would not make a good parent and didn;t ant to be a parent.
I guess he did the best he could with all the deficits of his own childhood and adulthood.
It's not me being defective but circumstances. I was not a bad person. I have to say that again - I was not a bad person as I believed I was.
I only really have learnt anything about myself - selfishly focused? I have been working on me and the sadness I wasn't able to be changed enough to really really make amends to my dad. I would have wanted him to know that I had changed and there were some things that really were still troublesome for me. Men.
I did say to him as he was struggling to breathe that I didn't understand what it had all been about. At that time I was still feeling the victim. I don't now. I took so much difficulty to his door simply because we were so different.
He didn't seem to hear me. He was unconscious at that time. They say hearing is the last thing to go. Maybe he heard me and knew I was there. I think I said sorry. I say sorry now dad.
I swear I felt his presence and a whisper in my ear of a mans voice saying sorry. I was falling asleep leaning on G but I heard it. It was before the reading of the Will and it was at the reading that I realised the sorry was for his disinheritance of me. He didn't come through for me. I didn't come through for him either.
It seems all so futile now.
I don't have anything of his that represents these last years. It would be something to hold onto as I try to let go oh him gradually a I did with my mum. Instead I have to do this in a more abstract way. He's dead and gone.
There is no time left. I see that clearly now. Time is precious and it's irretrievable.
I wanted him to say something meaningful to me and all he did was tell me off and feign sleep to get rid of me.
I wish I had been able to say something far more meaningful to me. I wished I had been able to ask him if he actually loved me. I wanted to ask him if he liked me at all, ever.
I should have been there more often - I was afraid. I was afraid of him doing and bein nasty to me.
I was afraid that after a litime of hating him he would be suddenly okay with me. If he could love me ... then what. It didn;t mean anything after all these years I suppose.
He hadn't been able to just accept me as I was. And so we were so far apart.
I remember the day I was about to get married and he said soething about not having to go through with it. I was too scared as I thought about the congregation, mum etc. I wish I had said that I was too scared for those reasons. I wonder what he would have said and done.
People say my fatherloved me and he did what he did. How do people know that?? I don;t think he did even though he said it. I loved him and hated him.
I can be the father to myself now. Really? But I don't know how to be the father I wanted to have!!
If a client asks me about me and my father I can say "I'm a therapist - what do you think?" and laugh.

Bliss
XX




 

Reconciling the Plateau

I saw a woman today. Very neat, in fact well presented but ageing. Probably in her 60's she looked great but ageing. And for a minute I felt great until I thought how I will be when I'm looking that age. And am that age.
I went through a few years of real grief and horror actually around the ageing process. It was during the hormonal changes as well which I never know whether to say when I was menopausal or am I in menopause now coz it's all over bar the singing. Who knows? Anyway during that time the ageing situation seemed horrendous. And then I read something like this above which was posted  by my Auntie whose daughter died just over a year ago aged just 42 years of age. Another one who died around her birthday. I do see a general pattern to this. My dad died 18 days before his birthday. My mum died a month after her birthday. My Nana died just after her birthday in March 1973. And so on.
Anyhow I an gloat about older woman and then remember that I will get there. And actually I love what this little Buddhist script says. Be grateful for getting older as it's a privilege not afforded to everyone. Some people die so young. My mum was young really, compared with life expectancy these days. My dad was nearly 85 yrs of age. I feel sad at moments but mainly I feel so much anger and am glad he's dead. The loss I feel is for the inheritance I didn't get. Am I really surprised? No, not at all. He didn't like me, had little respect for me. And in some moments I think that's what I deserved because I have been in my using a complete idiot. Thank goodness for the programme of recovery because I have a chance of not dying in the mess my dad has died in - so much hurt and resentment. It's all with me but it's related to him.

Anyway I can't be bothered to write anymore about this tonight. I'm tired ft if, tired of me and tired after a busy day. I am having increasing thoughts of being tired of living.
Imagine if my legacy was this Blog. There would be a few surprised people. I must leave notice somewhere of it. The truth may be best kept to myself. Or maybe someone like JB would make use of this to write a story. I think I will leave the Blog to him. Even the bits about him. I wouldn't want him to be hurt though as JB is truly a nice man. Infuriating but truly a kind heart.

Which is more than I can feel for G right now. He's keeping a sort of text contact but yesterday said he didn't want to talk long. He said the novelty has worn off and we know each other now. I am lead to wonder then if he needs that thrill and starting a novelty somewhere else. I am very untrusting. But something tells me that something has radically changed in recent days. One minute we were talking fine and the next a real mood and withdrawal. I am withdrawing too feeling unsafe. I think we are actually destroying anything that's been good and that truly saddens me. It's then that my heart longs and hurts. And yet he's manner can be cutting and nasty. His moods are tiresome. He's deceitfulness leaves me feeling suspicious. Understandably then that M might be suspicious of me. If I can lie about one thing to someone I am capable of it anywhere. And I think the same about G. He is deceitful with D. She suspects and of course so do I. He told me anyway that I am told what I need to know.
That's no way for me to relate with someone. There I am listening to someone torn in a relationship that is ruining her life and I am thinking I do the very same thing. I do want to read Enduring Love.
When will I make a decision that's right for me. Please Universe show me what to do and how to do it so that there is limited damage please. You are showing me time and time again that this isn't right for me. Then I doubt me thinking I am being unreasonable all the time.
Phew it's hard being me and hence I really just want to give up trying anymore. A cosy death seems favourable Universe. Is this how it's meant to be?
I am grateful for a good days therapy.  am grateful for a chat with IC. He reminded me how I need to take care of myself and not get absorbed in the work to heal me.
It's just incredibly difficult right now.
Oh and there might be people gossipping because of photos on FB. Well that'll truly piss G off. I think I will remove them


Bliss
XX

Life Without Fear

I like the idea of life without fear. I've known for some time that I'm just living in fear, especially with my dad. I have been perpetually scared. Until 12 Step recovery I hadn't known that I was afraid. I was just trying desperately to get things right so that he would approve. I never could of course. When i was good it wasn't enough or the right kind of good and so then I'd rebel and receive his wrath. He died with that wrath and dislike still in tact. Strongly. The last time I saw him conscious was in the hospital. As usual there wasn't much to speak about. What could have been talked about was his condition and spoken some real truths. But I couldn't and no doubt he wouldn't. The very last thing my dad ever said to me or did to me was in anger and feigning sleep to get rid of me. Bastard! I'm trying to just accept that this is how he wanted things and that's acceptable. of course it is how it is/was but it's hurtful emotionally. All I wanted was some acknowledgement and I suppose I wanted some apology for the past. He would and could never do that of course. And then the final slight of disinheriting me.
With his death I feel relief. As horrible as that may sound to some people, his death means that perhaps there is some freedom now. I may be able to move further away from the fear. Certainly I am feeling a little bit stronger and certainly more aware. I am tired of being beholden because of my fear. I'm so concerned always about getting things wrong and not knowing my opinion. I don't know what is the best thing. I don't know always what I like or dislike. I have a gap between me and me. I am prepared to allow myself to discover now.
Anyway now I no longer have to seek his approval. He's dead! I just see thought the legacy of his attitude towards me throughout my life. And there's a lot to unpick.
I'm realising I'm angry with my mum though. She must have been in such denial. Yet I know she lived in fear of him. I don't know if she overcame it but she certainly did start doing more of the things she wanted. But neither of us were comfortable with visitors. I didn't help. I would also hate the intrusion of people in the end. But I was slouching home for a comfort weekend often and didn't want others there. Plus of course it was always hassle because my dad was so moody beforehand and then not at ease in his skin when people were there. I would be either belittled publicly or have to get things right etc. It was all so tense. My mum would insist though in the end. Good for her.
But she must have known more than me what a twat my dad was. All the lies and his foul behaviour.

So it is a nice feeling that I might be able to work towards a life without fear. It probably will not ever leave me completely but I have a chance to get some freedom. I have experienced the freedom from the food and as I step back into Step one, I really do know that the fear has utter control over me and with it comes a lot of unmanagability - lies, secrets, manipulation, demands, insecurity, anxiety, gossip, resentment, rebellion, self-hatred, negativity, jealousy, despondency, inertia, isolation. And so on. Not a way to live
I feel a sense of needing to fly from here. I keep looking out and as beautiful as the area is it just doesn't look beautiful to me at the moment. My fear of going is the financial insecurity. I would like to simply trust and go with the flow. I don't need to live to a ripe old age and some of my fear is health. I'm thinking of India and Far East you see. I feel a loyalty to PD with the business  but with a week like this past week I am too afraid really. You see fear is everywhere within me.
Please Universe, please show me how to trust the belief in you that I have. Show me how to step from this fear into being the adventurer on a grander scale than the life I've been leading. I want to be out there. I feel trapped and have done so for my entire life. My dad is dead now. Help me to live the person who is inside of me.
Thank you Universe
Bliss
XX
 

Written on 3rd Feb 2013

My dad died last night. I am relieved for him. I think yesterday was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Being in the house all afternoon and early evening with his wife and daughters. I experienced so much pain. It's as if I didn't exist. It's as if the whole life before them didn't exist. Of course for them his previous life didn't. But I am so sensitive to the way in which that was dealt with. I have string negative feelings towards his wife and youngest daughter. The eldest has been thoughtful and supportive. Such a noticeable difference if kindness and selflessness. I've practiced grace because I do not want to be like these people have been. If we get a chance to speak I can explain more. Thank goodness someone was with me to witness it all otherwise I'd as usual think its me and in my Imagination. I am consumed with this bad feeling which if course is a distraction from the death of my dad. Great big layers of emotions and events on too if one another and intricately interwoven. It is seeming all too much. I feel as if I won't be able to cope. I feel as if I'm exploding with the complicity of the situation and the overwhelming feelings. I know I'll probably get through it - it just feels right now as if I can't. I hurt sooooo much! I can't even begin to put into words the strength of the hurt I feel. Loss of his life is strangely acceptable. What ice experience around this is just so flipping confusing. I don't really know what to do with myself. And this emotion attached to wanting to take possession of some items that I know she won't let me have. Wanting to have the previous years acknowledged which she won't. Some horrible things happened yesterday that leave me feeling so utterly helpless. List. Tossed aside. My entire 52 years is under question. It's so horrid. I don't like the strength of the feelings against her that I have. I don't like the feeling of desperately wanting to have these items. I don't like the feeling I have as I'm excluded like I barely exist. How on earth is it possible to deal with this. I'm an adult supposedly and I just wonder how children are supposed to cope with similar situations of divided families. No wonder there can be trauma, anxiety, and then behaviours that can be devastating for the child - and I'm only touching what i think about this. It seems a bloody cruel world. And what's it all about? Why so much meanness? People say he'll know now he's in spirit etc etc. But the damage is done. I have to pick my damage up and work through it myself. He was never going to help me and in his dying and death there has been even more. I feel baffled as to why its been so horrible. I don't think I deserve it at all. I wonder if the final slap will be in the will. And I feel do awful about myself for being so grabbing. It is another grating element with a nasty taste from me that I don't like. It goes over in my head with such a loathsome feeling towards myself. But I just can't let go. I am truly wanting all this to pass because I don't feel as if I can survive it right now. Today I'll go to see him in the chapel -

He can't tell me off - Day 4

 I didn't write this as I was thinking it so trying to write it retrospectively.


Day 4 after my dad died was Wed/Thurs. And I was realising that he can no longer tell me off. When I went to see his body at the undertakers, I felt he was going to jump up and tell me off. I thought he'd say get this bloody idiot out of here, referring to G. And then I took a photo of his dead body and he would have gone ballistic at something like that. My dad had a real fear of death and bodies. I'd like to know why considering he must have seen many bodies in his military days. He fought in Korea attached to the Gloucester's. I read a little about the Presidents Citation which my dad has. The little British battalion received this medal.
From Wikipedia ...
"The 1st. Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment, British Army and Troop C. 170th Independent Mortar Battery, Royal Artillery, attached, were cited for exceptionally outstanding performance of duty and extraordinary heroism in action against the armed enemy near Solma-ri, Korea on the 23rd, 24th, and 25 April 1951. The 1st. Battalion and Troop C were defending a very critical sector of the battle front during a determined attack by the enemy. The defending units were overwhelmingly outnumbered. The 63rd Chinese Communist Army drove the full force of its savage assault at the positions held by the 1st Battalion, Gloucestershire Regiment and attached unit. The route of supply ran southeast from the Battalion between two hills. The hills dominated the surrounding terrain northwest to Imjin River. Enemy pressure built up on the battalion front during the day, 23 April. On 24 April, the weight of the attack had driven the right flank of the battalion back. The pressure grew heavier and heavier and the battalion and attached unit were forced into a perimeter defence on Hill 235. During the night, heavy enemy forces had by-passed the staunch defenders and closed all avenues of escape. The courageous soldiers of the battalion and attached unit were holding the critical route selected by the enemy for one column of the general offensive designed to encircle and destroy I Corps. These gallant soldiers would not retreat. As they were compressed tighter and tighter in their perimeter defence, they called for close-in air strikes to assist in holding firm. Completely surrounded by tremendous numbers, these indomitable, resolute, and tenacious soldiers fought back with unsurpassed fortitude and courage. As ammunition ran low and the advancing hordes moved closer and closer, these splendid soldiers fought back viciously to prevent the enemy from overrunning the position and moving rapidly on the south. Their heroic stand provided the critically needed time to regroup other I Corps units and block the southern advance of the enemy. Time and again efforts were made to reach the battalion, but the enemy strength blocked each effort. Without thought of defeat or surrender, this heroic force demonstrated superb battlefield courage and discipline. Every yard of ground they surrendered was covered with enemy dead until the last gallant soldier of the fighting battalion was overpowered by the final surge of the enemy masses."
I'm hoping I'll get to know more when I meet with PW in March. I truly hope his complicated uncomplicated op on Tuesday goes smoothly. He is such a lovely man. ^ foot and a lot more. He is just smiles and warmth. I loved the talk we had on the phone on Saturday. And when he invited me to lunch in March I was thrilled.
Anyway. Who thinks I'm just really off my rocker for taking the photo? I really think it's a peculiar thing to have done but I am glad I have it too.
I want to post it here but I think that would be just a step too far. Funnily though as I got into my car, there in the window of the charity shop next door was a skeleton. I couldn't resist. It was a bit of a mockery really. But finny too. I won't post that either out of respect for my dad.
So I keep realising that he can no longer reinforce the messages that I am worthless. How would he do that? Well it would be in his tone of intolerance or he would say something that would put me down. I remember at my mums funeral he said something derogatory about my hair, such as "you could have done your hair for this at least". And his last telling off was yet more ridicule and minimising my position with him. He didn't want me to encounter T at all and I've always read this as his negativity towards me, his dislike of me, which I take on board deeply. Well ever since a little girl I have not been good enough and therefore have learnt that I am worthless. I am just about kept hooked in with moments of laughter and so on. Fundamentally everyone else was compared as better. But when he was dismissing and deprecating someone else I would suddenly feel close and make that person the common enemy. I learnt that noone was good enough including me. He didn't like people but I have understood that as m,e personally is a piece of shit.
He cannot reinforce those messages so the repetition of them is merely in my head. Held deep in my belief system but I can perhaps start to make a distance from them and hear other messages too. I am more rounded than merely a problem. Even though T sort of reinforces it but I am learning that she is really not a well person.
So all I had to do at day 4 was get through the funeral and looking beyond that the Will. I think that will be my dads final slight of me. He has full power until that is over and done with.
I hear the reinforcement though in many people. And I am aware that because of my conditioning it was I expect. So it isn't the same situations and it isn't the same message necessarily but I hear it as that. As a consequence I try to cover up.
I am so ashamed that I have lied to PD about my accreditation document and of course that is coming up to bite me. I feel embarrassed at having lied that it was submitted before Christmas. I was initially ashamed that I hadn't done it and it would confirm the message that I am useless and lazy. He would be disappointed, no worse than that he would be disgusted with me. It's such a strong message.
My dad was disgusted with me all of my life. Nothing about me as acceptable. And that's what I think people will think. I lied to M about the shower. For some reason I was not comfortable with the fact that G was doing things for me, made me look dependent already or something so when she asked if G put the shower in for me I said no. And more than that I said I had paid the landlords. I think also I was embarrassed that I've just allowed it to be done without first seeking permission.
Oh what I have learnt is that it's just a methodical process of drawing water through pipes form the tank. I thought it was far more complex. I don't know why. Anything can be channelled anywhere from the source, including electricity. Amazing I had though everything was so impossible ad so experts were miracle workers. No one is so godly as I thought. The power I invest in people is diminishing. Is this with my dad dying or my Step 5, or what?
So perhaps there will be some more freedom with my dads death. It seems a horrible thought and disrespectful but there is a relief and a truth in it too.
It's a lifetime of difficulty. I feel very sad and at times still can't believe he's dead. I look at the photo and see my dad still there. It's so very strange. But he has left this world now.
Bliss
XX

 

Love when feeling hostility

I need to find love even though I belive the atmoshpere will be hostile. I am upset that T didn't call me during the day when things for my dad had taken a turn suddenly to be even worse.
I didn't finish writing this.
On Friday 1st Feb my dad took a turn for the worse. The evening before I had called T and said that I'd visit on Friday. She was rather dramatic but also reasonable I guess as she exclaimed that he'd only just arrived home and was very unsettled. She implored "please Pamela please". And so I decided to respect her wish. During the evening of Friday after I returned from my AA meeting, I had a message on my answer machine. With her rather dramatised tone (usual) it said You need to come and see your father. I learnt from D her eldest daughter that they had been there all afternoon and during that time he had been conscious at times.
I am so hurt by this act of unkindness as I see it. And especially having heard since then that T would not admit to people that my dad had had a past. I think she had a big part in keeping the divide between us. I am furious about this. But then I have to look at how much a part I had in keeping a distance. I didn't want contact at all at some stages. Months and months would go by without me contacting him.
I feel dreadful for this now of course. I need to be careful though as for some people no contact is absolutely the best thing.
The last words my dad had with me were angry. He was telling me off for speaking with the consultant too long. Yet he had given me permission to speak to the Dr and it was the Dr who was talking to me. He told me that there was Cancer but it was behind his rib cage and so they could not get to it to take a biopsy. He also said that it was my dads wish that he return home if the news was bad. As it was Cancer there was nothing they could do to treat him. He was too frail and couldn't take it. I wished I had said something to my dad. He probably didn't want to talk about it though and perhaps this was why he was angry and then feigned sleep. It was obviously an act because I've seen that before in him. He shut me down, didn't even say goodbye.
It hurts like hell!

I wanted to add that I am feeling love and compassion amidst the black thoughts and feelings. I have to keep turning to this when I am feeling the resentment. I want to let go of resentmnet and hurt. And it's been ironic that all through this dreadful period of time I have been writing my stpe 4. It's been difficult keeping the focus on my part. And to write about how I kept my distance and harboured hatred towards my dad and focused on the abusive past feeding my resentment towards hi, it kept the distance stronger. T is right I was not consistent in sending Christmas cards and birthday cards. If I hadn't been so riddled with my own anger then I would have done things differently. I know at some point I can make amends to my dad for this. I wonder if I'll remember. I wonder how to make amends when someone is dead. It's too frigging late. And it's making amends for my part only. The forgiveness for all the other things is a part of the process I'm not quite in yet. It's about my part only at the moment in the resentment and hatred. And jealousy too I wanted my dad all to myself but could never get it anyway. I need to share this with my sponsor.
Bliss
XX
 

The Funeral

I was so hurt when D (eldest daughter) informed me that T would not allow me to travel from the house in the car behind the coffin. D explained that T blamed me for my dads hurt over the past 12 years of my absence and for the ways I had been in the past. BLAMED ME!!! Now I truly believe the woman is off balance but this hurt to the core. It was on the tip of my tongue to let D know a few truths from the past. D is so balanced she said she knows that everyone has a part to play. Gosh! I do not not feel I had a greater part to play. I have resentments going way way back and it's difficult to let go of them amidst all this blaming and retaliation. And I delivered my Step 5 on Sunday to my sponsor.
This is so challenging to let go of my resentments. Wow am I being given plenty of opportunity though. Crikey.
Anyhow that was the news given to me on Sunday. The compromise from D and D's battling with their mother was that I could wait outside the church and walk in behind the coffin. I think she is just bloody nasty and unkind.
As it happens M suggested those wonderful friends that were coming to meet me meet at a pub beforehand. it worked well. We met at the Royal Oak (Well recommended) http://www.royaloak-havant.co.uk/index.php
I suggested we meet for lunch. originally I was going to take my own but I didn't in the end. And I ate a menu dish without causing a fuss. It was all fine. I did feel hungry later but it could have been emotional stuff as well.
It was nice M was there, A, G and R, G and he has been a rock this past few weeks. K and her new partner P turned up too. G was clearly anxious beforehand but settled ad his new best friend is P. He made me smile as I asked if he took his number to which G replied "no in that way he can stay my best friend". He is so clever G and creative. I love him to bits. I don't like him for being awkward with me and when he doesn't feel like towards me. Then I think just fuck off and be where you want to be, stop taking it out on me.
Everyone was chatty and getting along as best they could. I felt jealous towards G being very friendly with A. I think A was anxious about it. I mentioned it to G asking if he was flirting with A. He said he feels the affinity of the alcoholic and the difficulty of the day not drinking.
A was great. She next to me in the church.
We arrived as the coffin was arriving. I dumped the car with G to sort it out. I ran down to the entrance in good time. Phew.
T apparently was so distraught she couldn't follow the coffin in. I therefore decided not to anyway.
Mainly because I wanted to ensure I was sitting int he front row. The order of things wasn't how I think it should have been but hey ho! The vicar seemed to look intently at me throughout the service. I wasn't the only one to notice. A M and K noticed too. G didn't.
A woman came over to me and later was talking intently with G and G. They learnt much about T. G discovered that T's mother died when she was 12 yrs old. Also that the kidney problem was widespread int heir family. I don't think we've discovered her reason for difficulty with men. But to be honest I think her difficulty is with people in general. G mentioned something to D (eldest) and he was disappointed in her response. I reminded him that I had been wary all along that despite her sympathy for me she was always her mothers daughter and had never been disloyal to her with carefully chosen words always.
Gosh sitting there in the front row with A next to me and K next to her, with G R M and G behind me too, I started shaking and I just could not stop. I thought at first I was creating the shakes but I had not control over them. I was so very conscious of everyone behind me. I didn't want to cry I wanted to be utterly motionless and dignified. Feelings of anger, hurt and loss flicked by me. memories seemed to be flicking through as well. All sorts of thoughts and feelings. I managed to stop the shakes by taking time out in meditation. Occasionally I remembered what my sponsor had said "take God's hand". Thank goodness for fellowship, recovery tools, God and meditation. Thank goodness for my friends and friends of my dads.
I wanted everyone to be on my side. But I was able to simply be friendly and chat with people. I had a role after all, the daughter of the deceased. I had a purpose to be sociable. It's so not easy to be sociable and chat to people as simply me.
Anyway there were so many people at the church who briefly came over. I'm glad they did as I wouldn't have had time to get to them otherwise.
Not everyone came to the other place with the ticky tacky foodstuff. G mentioned that it is where AA meetings are held. It made me smile. I heard him mention it to P too so I wasn't so worried when I answered K's question as to where we met and I said in the fellowship. She nodded but may not have even known what I meant. Oh well!
I wasn't willing to speak to T as she sat. She was surrounded initially by the HAC chaps. I wondered if that was always a plan. Military men have such a code of etiquette. A couple of the men I had never heard mention of before. But PW and JH were there. Old old friends of my dads. I will contact PW as he was in Korea with my dad and maybe I can get some of the truth. I hope so.
PW is unwell himself and afraid he won't be coming out of hospital on Tuesday. I will phone him on Saturday.
JH suggested I get a copy of one of my dads HAC books. He asked T on my behalf noticing that there was a distance between us. She said categorically NO! I know I am going to struggle to get some of the possessions I would like to own. There is the painting on the wall, the medals, the Chinese figures that my mum gave him, there is the ivory peacock and a little shooting trophy. I don't why I want these things. They are material things that on the one hand I despise and yet want on the other hand. it's strange.
Anyhow I was a bit gossipy. I wish I hadn't been. I know I was and realised I was at the end of the evening back home with G. It's a way of venting.

He had a wicker coffin. Most surprising. But then again my dad would occasionally do something that seemed completely out of the blue and out of character. It would cripple me to think it was all her choice after all. The reading made me vomit - talk of arms being all around for ever.
The reading from St John was nicer - Chapter 14 I think. I will re-read it I think.
The service was nicely done overall, short. Then he was buried. I would have liked him to be near my mum. It is frightening the power of these second families. Now she is his next of kin she gets to chose everything despite the 41 years I'd already had with him and the 45+ years my mum had had with him. It feels all so unjust. There is so much emotional pain connected with that. I keep trying to remember these are merely thoughts, memories and emotions. It is not what is I. And who is the I that is thinking it is not I anyway. As says Jetsunma (Tenzin Palmo)

 

I am deeply blessed with the people in my life right now. These friends that were there with me today were just incredible. All but K knew my dad. A and G had a brief encounter with him. They were there for me. And how easy it is for me to focus on the people that weren't there for me or only me. These people were. Ad that is incredible. Please God take care of these incredible people. They are towers of strength for me. I pray for them God and trust that you know what is best for them. Help them in their own struggles and carry them to soul happiness please.
And for T I pray for her God putting her in your hands. Especially in her grief. Please too take my prayer for D and D. They need your support, I get a strong sense of that.
I hope my dad has found his way to you. I wouldn't want for him to be a lost soul. I think he's been floundering for long enough. God please help him find his way to you now.
For those people that may think I am religious, this is not a religious God I pray to. It is the Universe, the energy that is the Universe. I don't believe in anyone thing or revere. I do though know there is Power greater than only one single thing. It is us, the collective, the world and everything on it and beyond into the Universe. I think that includes an interconnection of time too. So people live on and through. I have no idea if there is a place for souls, we won't know unless there is and we are there but I don't believe that will be as the I if there is such a thing. But it's scary thinking like that because then I doesn't exist and what is it within this skin of cells?
Well I'm going into work late but that does mean I need to get ready now. Prep my food, wash and dress and leave by 9:30. It is possible to do at 8:22.
I would rather just relax at home, feeling all my bones tensed and muscles taught.
I'm tired, emotionally, physically and mentally. I may go to a meeting this evening but may not. Perhaps I'll simply chill for w while with the B's A, G and R of she's there.
And then home. I'm off for my study day tomorrow which I need to confirm with PD. He is struggling with my weekly study day.
I have an essay to do and haven't started the reading. I want to get the chapter read tomorrow. it's a tall order but if I don't then I won't get back to it to comprehend it enough for the essay. I want to read the fist chapter as well. Although I know it basically I don't know it well.
So off to prep food.
Thanks for being there
Bliss
xx


 

Day 2 Dad Dead

My dad died at 10 minutes past midnight on 3rd February 2013.
I saw his body in the chapel of rest. It seemed so weird. I thought he would jump up and tell me off and say something like "get that bloody idiot out of here" - as G was there with me. What a rock G has been and how I didn't think he could be.
It was so strange seeing my dad. He looked at peace thank goodness. I was relieved he had died though. I was relieved for him finally being in peace ad I was relieved because selfishly I couldn't bear the thought of another day amidst all of that horrible attitude towards me.
I am truly trying to be gracious but I have strong feelings of hatred at times about T. She didn't introduce me to the vicar yet introduced everyone else. She talked about her first date with my dad in 2001. My mum died on 22nd November 2001 and was buried on 29th November 2001. How could she have discussed that in front of all those people. Disgusting and without thought. Selfish woman. And yesterday as she came out of the undertakers she didn't even nod or smile. She got in the car. The daughters came over and spoke with me D (eldest) even cried and it seemed so genuine. D (youngest) said "we loved him you know". I relied "so did I".
Can you believe this weirdness but I took a picture of him. I wanted to but didn't think for a minute I could. Surely that's just utterly disrespectful. I know my dad would find it horrifying. But then G said it too. So I did. It feels weird to have it. It seems unbelievable at times that he's dead. I remember that after my mum died. It seemed impossible ad it does with him. One time so alive and always so angry with me. Would I rather him alive and angry with me? No I'd rather him alive and we could sit down and have a really good loving chat. But that was never going to happen. What did happen dad?
It was horrid too when H was there. Talking to her about my dad as if I didn't exist. He went to shake my hand goodbye after hugging D (youngest). My dad had done the same to me after the first meeting pre-wedding. Why do they go to shake my hand and hug others? What's wrong with me?
Aaaaargh! It's been so difficult!
And then I'm not included or privvy to any funeral arrangements. I am angry and thinking about what might happen about his will. Is there one? Am I entitled to ask for some tings of his. HE'S MY DAD and not just YOUR husband. For goodness sake I feel like a child who needs her to be the adult. She is jealous of me I am sure of it.
When N said "well your dad is with your mum now" I suddenly thought T would want to die to control that too. She cannot abide the fact he had a life before. Of course she loved him regardless of the circumstances of them getting together.
It seems as well that my dad created a new persona. I wonder which was the lie. Was he really that unhappy with who he was with my mum and I? Why did he seem to hare me so much?
But then he phoned me around Christmas time saying he loved me and wished me well for the future. I knew and he knew that the end was approaching. I didn't really want to believe my belief but I knew anyway.
I knew too the message on my answer machine was the last message I would have and I deleted it - in error really. As I pressed the button I suddenly knew I needed not to. Too late. I have no record of his voice.
As I entered my flat tonight I was scared. I felt his presence. I thought he'd get to me, tell me off.
I came in talking with JB as I was scared. G suggested inviting the Buddhists in if the monsters were so loud.
It's sort of okay. Some of it is the guilt of having exaggerated the horrors of the past. Some of it is having taken the photo.
PD very generously supported me arriving late. I got in about 11. It made the day go quickly. I had two 1:1's. They seemed to go okay.
Having some worries myself about whether it will all take off.
It's all very strange. This morning I was talking to G feeling angry about incidents in the past. I then cried at the hurt of it all. It's all highlighting the loss of my mum. It's all horrid!!

Bliss
XX

My dad died

He died late last night. He was decalred dead at 10 minutes past mindnight. I received a call from T telling me so. She sounded dreadfula dn said she was so sorry. I do find it diifuclt tolerating her rather dramatic sounding sorrow.
I saw his body in eht chapel of rest today. It was odd. At first I was nevreous to setep into this little room. He doesn't have a coffin yet as apparently he wanted a wicker coffin and that has to be ordered in. I find that strange and just ow little I knew him if that's the case.
I was afraid he would jump up and tell me off. The weirdest thing came over me - to take a photo. And I did. That is just a peculiar thing to do. Now if he was alive he would be absolutely horrified because he was terrified odf death. Terrified of being disrespectful.
I somehow can't believe he's dead. And that will hep remind me. I am not sure if I'll keep it or not.
He can no onger actually be cross with me and say horrid tings to me. He cannot spread aspersions about me anymore.
All I have to do now is get the messages from my belief system. The core beliefs and thoughts will not be reinforced by him anymore. Only I can actually do that so that means I can unpick the issues too.
Very soon I will no longer have to have anything to do with T either. I will perhaps keep in contact with D her eldest daughter and see what happens there.
I am so very grateful to G for being there the entire weekend. I just felt so much relief not to be entirely alone.
Yesterday was particularly difficult. There were times when I was raging and screaming inside. I wanted to scream "what about me" when she determinedly didn't introduce me to the vicar. She introduced everyone else and looked a time. Her daughter introduced me. She is not a nice lady, cruel and unkind.
I wondered as I looked at my dad dying body what it's all been about.
It was painful to as JH sat talking about what an amazing soldier he was. Some of it I had never believed. Perhaps it was true. And then when people talk about what a lovely man he's been. What about all the horrible parts my mum and I endured. I know my mum adored him. But he's created a different persona I think in his new life. And that excluded me entirely.
I am hurt and sad. Time to heal perhaps. The Universe is really my parent.

Bliss
XX

Where does all the dignity go?

I'm so uncertain about everything and anything. I'm not sure that I want to carry on in the field of work I am in. It seems to me that I'm playing at it. But then again I've always felt as if I'm laying at whatever I have done, not truly professional or know what I'm doing. Always waiting to be discovered as a fraud.
I don't like where I'm living yet terribly grateful for it. Generally it's a quiet flat in a quiet village. I have a lot of space for one person by todays standards and at reasonable rent. I am not enjoying living hee though and never have really. I am grateful, very grateful indeed. But it's never felt like home. Then again nowhere ever has, apart from maybe S cott, Chawton.
I don't want to go to work - every morning. I hate making sales calls. I am pretty absent minded right now. Not surprised with so many preoccupations - my dad, Step 4, G and my insecurities and jealousies. Not happy anywhere pr with anything. I feel trapped. I feel like fleeing.
Hating some of the rigidity of FA although love the recovery and freedom from food.
I have spoken with T, my dad's wife twice. Saturday on the way back from London after a day of interesting lectures organised by the psychological society. All about criminal behaviour. Fascinating - risk assessment and modelling the mind of terrorists - basically you can't. The neurology of the psychopath and other criminals. Forensics but to be honest I'm not really sure of anything he said other than whatever group idea there is be prepared to have singular ideas. Too many people can investigate in one direction because it's the group though without checking the details - and miss important things. And finally Sex and aggression. All so very interesting.
I called T and she was not forthcoming. I suppose just about on a tip edge of politeness. It is hurtful and infuriating but I have decided to make the calls anyway. I called again this evening and it was the same. She gave nothing away other than my dad is seeming fine. Fucking hell he's dying how can he seem fine. And she said he's going home tomorrow instead of today. I didn't ask what the delay had been. She seems in total denial that he's dying as on Saturday she said he'll be fine once he gets home. I think she's bloody well killing him,
I don't mean that but they have been refusing help and I'm sure that's not been useful. For either of them. I feel for her as she loves him even though I hate that fact.
I feel very mixed up. Sometimes there are no feelings at all. I think it could be a numbness and other times a complete detachment from the feelings. Other times I feel angry. And that comes out in all directions, At T. At my dad. At death itself and the indignity of it for my dad. He was pitiful when I saw him on Friday. he has a sore tongue and a fungus on his tongue that makes it incredibly painful to eat or drink anything at all. He was nearly in tears and said so. He was gingerly grabbing at his bed. He couldn't really do that he is so frail. His arms are so tiny. He is so tiny. What happened to my dad. The big gruff man. It's so horrid to see him like that. The man has been taken away. Why is death so cruel? Why does a person have to lose all dignity?
And yet he still told me off. The fiery look in his eye. It hurts so deeply. Even in the final hours days weeks he still cannot just accept me or see me. I thought I was disturbing the consultant when it was the consultant who was doing all the talking. I just don't know why he hates me so much.
What the hell God??
I am horrified that even at this time there is nothing changing. I suppose I live in hope ad the slightest sign of anything is so gratefully received. Yet it's not acceptable. Why the hell cannot I not let go. I am more acceptant I suppose. And as for T .... she is a baffling conundrum of nastiness really. But then the neighbours also implied this and so it's a relief to know I'm not the only one where she is concerned. With my dad it seems that he can be horrible to me and yet is lovely to all and sundry. it's always been this way. He would sort of dump mum and I in favour of other people. They always got the niceness and attention and we were given the shit.
I have this horrible feeling of his spirit being able to see right into me when he dies. it repulses me. I want to be cleansed out and then made into someone else so that he cannot find me.
I link this with the times when he would spy on me or read my diaries or similar. A letter once. And then he would let me know by quoting from them - taunting or telling me something he'd seen me do. It sickens me. It's bad enough as it is yet I don;t think it's bad enough compared with the extent of the feelings I have for the past. That's bizarre. I still can't accept how I feel about the past for what it is. I think it should be worse. and I've just been over sensitive.
I feel as if I cannot cope with my emotions. I feel over loaded and overwhelmed. I want away from them. Yet I do not want to lose my abstinence.
Last week whilst shopping, I really had strong words in my head to fuck it. yet I so don;t want. It's a really odd battle of the same mind. Just goes to show how neurons firing from different parts of the brain can be in conscious conflict.
AB's birthday followed the London. I'm proud of myself for going along and not running straight back to G. And this weekend coming I am going to Brighton to deliver my Step 5 with my sponsor. He is busy Thursday even now and Friday and Saturday I need some study time as well as hoping to visit my dad Fri afternoon. I have offered not to go to the Fri meeting. Although really I would like to go but this is about compromise to see my - what is he? Boyfriend? Partner? What?
I don;t like the situation one bit. His ongoing "friendship" with D. And the strangeness of it all. And then at other times I think well he has few friends so why not? It's upto me to step aside from jealousy and insecurity. It's a great focus away from all other feelings. And the heightened insecurity I currently feel a]can turn into anger with him. I can be stroppy and goading - leading questions about women and then it adds to my insecurity and in turn the attitude towards G and so on. Ugh! It's so tiring, boring, ugly. Please Universe help me to stop this pattern. Only then can I find out if I really like him or not.

I'm tired now. Gorra get to sleep.

Mighty night
Bliss
XX
 

Dad

My dad is critically ill. At first it was water retention, then a fracture in his backbone was discovered after falling sometime a few months ago helping T. I'm annoyed with T and with them both for refusing the care help they were offered. I wonder if she hadn't fallen and he hadn't had to try and help he wouldn't have fallen and now wouldn't have Cancer. yes there is a large shadow behind his rib cage. He is too rail and unwell for them to do a biopsy. hey say it's not good but because they hadn't done a biopsy wouldn't say for certain it was Cancer. Now I think following a scan they have confirmed this. He is being returned home with care as there is no treatment now he can take. He is going home to die. My dad! I never thought he would die before me. I sort of believed the quip I have often made that he would outlive me. I said it believing it and also angry about it.
I hate my vulture-like thinking. It goes like this. "Get on with the dying then and lets see how much you've left me" Then I start thinking about how much it will be and what I'll do with it. In my thoughts I get cross as I reduce the amount. I think I over estimate how much he has anyway. And then I get angry because he's surely going to leave the house to her and she'll get the lot and then her daughters will get it. That's my mums money!!!!! Will I have the balls to contest the will? I bloody hope so. Will I win. Who knows. My mum has been dead now since 2001 - over 11 years. Bloody hell I miss her every day.
Other thoughts are the disgust I feel that if say there is a Heaven and spirit my dad will be able to see right into me. How repulsed I feel. He used to spy on me through the cracks in the door when I was undressing or in the bath. Vile. And he used to read my diaries and things like that. Everything was in his control and it makes me feel sick thinking of it. So if there is a spirit world that can see straight through us it makes me cringe at the thought that his spirit will see me. I want to be cleansed of every thought and every inch of me. Cleansed from the inside out and become someone else completely. Not exist as me anymore.
I think this contributes to the feeling of wanting to sell everything and fuck off. Where to and how I have no idea. I just do not want what I have. I have to stay still and if this thought is still there in 6 months then I need to prepare to go. Take the risk. I am sick and tired of being crimped by my fear. fear of not having enough or being out in the cold. Fear of old age with nothing.Who the fuck cares.
I am angry. Angry with T. The other day calling her I added the comment that I was glad he allowed me to see him. She then went into a retort about how she has never stopped him from seeing me in fact the opposite. She said she had never said a bad word against me except questioning why I don't contact him, send a birthday card or Christmas card. She went on and on, I listened. G was irritated that I said nothing. But I am glad I didn't It would only worsen things by entering into the affray. Instead I was raging afterwards. The injustice!! She keeps saying she doesn't know why it is like it is. My mum used to wonder why too. They have no fucking idea. He abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Oh and spiritually. It wasn't the worst on a grad scale of things but it's affected me all my life. He knows. Surely he does. But he just can't deem himself to talk to me or see me or even like me a little. Is this his guilt? I don't actually think it is. I truly believe he believes his speel as I believe mine.
It's been a vile life with him. Always fighting and for what? I have done lots of things that I would rather not have done. Yes lots of men, stupid decisions, running from responsibility, getting into messes. I took those to his door. I wonder how much the childhood did or didn't influence my condition of disarray with life. I have always felt at odds with the world and everything in it.
I used to think I wasn't my parents child. I look like my mum sound like her too. I look like my dad. And what's worse is that I am a liar like my dad. An embezzler of the truth, an exaggerator, a secret squirrel. I hate taking ownership for things I've done wrong. Please Universe, please remove this deect of character from me. And give me tolerance and discernment and diplomacy. Please Universe help me with this.
The spilling of food by my friend on the chair at work. I just was so scared to tell peter. I am sure he wouldn't have gone too crazy but so what if he did. I didn't do it for one, it was an accident more importantly.
Oh it's lunch time - no studying or accreditation done but some admin things have been sorted. Things that could bring in a little money or help with the year ahead with savings at Uni.
Some achievement. And G is on his way offering to come to the hospital with me whilst I visit my dad.
I am not as nervous as he wasn't annoyed last time. But then that has been a pattern - I will be easily lulled into a false sense of security.
I hate too that the other daughters are frequent visitors and he talks to them. He lied to me about that. I said I was upset at his closeness with them so instead of owning it he lied. G does the same. I have done the same. I don't want to do this kind of thing anymore. I can be upset or angry without being unloving or dismissive. But that's what people do. They get angry and then smash any togetherness to pieces.
Fuck them fuck the world fuck it all.
I am upset and angry. It's annoying how fucking codpependent everyone is. Including me. I do not separate myself from this but for goodness sake everyone lets start getting honest and take responsibility.
Then again I was reading Tenzin Palmo this morning. It makes sense.
"And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense. It is enormous ... Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them. We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear. We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions. They're just mental states. They're not solid, they're not transparent. ... One has to know that and not identify with the knower. One has to know that the knower is not somebody"
I have had miniscule glimpses of this. And then  really wondering what it would be to know that I am the knower but how to move away from that level. Gosh it seems more than difficult it seems impossible. And then again there are people who try to tell me how to eb and how I am and what I need to do. I want to tell them I've had glimpses thanks but it would seem egotistical and say I haven't really it's just my imagination that I have. They would think I was daft to think I have had glimpses and know what this means. So I say nothing. Perhaps I just have to stay open to their suggestions because I will undoubtedly learn something from it if I listen attentively

Amnyway I also love my dad. I hate seeing him so ill and so little. He is nothing more than a rib cage. His legs hardly made a bump in the sheets. He has no voice. His smile doesn't fit over his teeth. He is sleepign all the time. Where is the fury of the man now? I'd rather that than this pitiful unwell man. It's horrid to see him like this.
And it's horrid that T gets to be the one he talks to. I want to know. I wnat to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Talk to me. What arrangements does he want for the funeral? What has he done about the Will? What does he want????
Why isn't he evr ever available to me. Why does he hate me?
Always everyone else came before my mum and I. I do it with friends. So influenced by the new person on my meeting line. I take people for granted or do I? People expect a lot. I expect a lot.
It;s all just nonsense. Bring in Tenzin Palmo please Universe.

Thank you G for introducing me to the book to get some sense of something good.

Lunch
Bliss
XX

 

Watch out for Gremlins

Crikey! It feels like a whirlwind struck and it';s just this littl ol's thing called living life.
Where do I begin? So many observations and happenings.
Let's empty my mind as things come to the forefront of it.
Well first off was the sudden realisation when looking at my diary on iPhone that I was supposed to be going to S's (my Goddaughter) birthday party. Her 21st. Part of me didn't want to go as it involved effort especially when feeling already drained of energy after a full on holiday. However, the other part of me wanted to show up for both K and S. I made contact with them as really I had little information. I eventually spoke with K and arranged to get to her house. She informed that D (ex-husband) would be there and that was extra motive. Now that's interesting, so hold that thought. I also learnt that it was a fancy dress party!! Well I was not at all prepared for fancy dress and was thinking of wearing the dress I bought from Monsoon from A and G's voucher for my birthday. However I suddenly realised it was a proper party and hunted through some other ideas ending up wearing my very lovely pink dress from Karen Millen. I bought it years ago when with S and wore it only once before now. The only time I was slim enough. I look tiny in it. It was amazing to want to dress up and feel OK being dressed up. I didn't want to look as if I was competing with 21 year olds but at the same time wanted to dress up. Lovely.
I arrived in good time to eat my pre-prepared supper and then we were off to the club. Wow! K is so stressed and angry. She acknowledged that it was affecting her about D being there for the evening and yet she wasn't thinking about him. I didn't ask what she was being affected by. I said I hoped she would be OK that I intended to speak with him. She made a comment about him annoying her because he spoke to all her friends. K has so much animosity and deep down I know she is hurting badly. She doesn't seem to know any of this though. She defends her hurt and blames him, curses him, and is raging at him. Please God help K to either get some clarity or find a way to let go. Perhaps this recent man she has met will help but I tend to think it keeps her in the craziness rather than be any healing.
I did speak to D. It was nice seeing him. I have always liked D and in some ways relate to him better than K. K and I have such different ideas about life I always think. I talked quite a lot to D actually. There were times when I felt very much like a spare part and yet D and his brother M, and his wife J were so inclusive. The first time I went over to D. The next time he beckoned me over. It was then that I listened to him more. He has anger towards K but it seems different somehow. He is battling with her reaction to him leaving. He talked about his leaving and his new life a little. He was so complimentary about K as a mother. But he has a lot of concerns for the way things are. I could empathise with him on many issues.
They are certainly at different levels of their understanding and process.
What is interesting for me is me in all of this. There is a part of me that's always been attracted to D. I never ever crossed that line and don't think I even ever flirted with him. Despite what another friend of mine thinks I am honourable in that way. I can berate myself for having the thoughts about finding men attractive who are married but I would not enter into that attraction I don't think. I have however had affairs with men who are married in relationships. It hasn't been with any wife or partner I've ever known which doesn't excuse it but it has been meetings under different circumstances. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour from a man and so am deeply ashamed of my part in that. In recovery my amends is to not do that.
This adds though to my confusion and need to be open and honest with my support about contact with D. I suggested that I take his number as I would love to keep in contact with him. I have genuinely a fondness for him as after all I have known him for a long time. It's very difficult when a couple split up and a friendship has developed with the partner/husband/wife as well. I am loyal to K and would not wish to cross any line. But I have to be honest and say that I was interested when I heard that D might not be so happy in his new marriage. He asked me about my status and I said that I have chosen to have a good long time away from relationships. I noticed him touch me a few times but in particular when he said that K had asked if he and I had ever had sex together. I was sad that she would thin that but also very aware that she her insecurity is heightened and was before they even split up. I watched the dynamics with horror really. And the reality is I just could see K's destructive behaviours but always blaming him. I would have left too. In fact I did. I could not bear anymore the way K was and had no ways of saying it to her. Now I have a distance because I had to force it first. And I hope to be able to maintain my boundaries. For instance, talking to D for as long as I wanted felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what would seem appropriate and at times it seemed to lengthy. Especially when D said he was just going to the toilet and if I was there when he got back good and if I wasn't I wasn't. I wondered what that meant really? But I also know that I am a sex and love addict and I put meaning on things because I am looking for it. So I need to be vigilantly aware and not flirt or be suggestive in any way. If I want to maintain any contact with D it will need close monitoring. The thing is I also think if I tell my sponsor she will say no. Is that the right thing to do? Can I not have friendly contact and ensure my boundaries are in place. This is what I want to do.
So I have D's number and sent him a text so that he has my number. He has suggested we meet for lunch for a proper chat. I need to talk to people about this but I am terrified of their judgement of me.
I feel hungry. Surprise, surprise.
Who can I talk to? God please guide me with all of this. It is a fine line. I feel certain that my sponsor will say withdraw completely but what I really need is her to help me with boundaries and keeping them. Actually that's what I need to ask her to do instead of putting in comments and then being told what to do. I need to ask her to help me in the way I want to be helped.
I want to be a friend to K and not hurt her feelings. I would like to retain some of the friendship with D and I do not want to act in any promiscuously or indecently. Not that D would do that more than likely. I think he is decent man actually.
So what will I say to my sponsor. Than you God for the awareness and the need for the honesty. I know this is crucially important. Will I mention if to M as well - it's always a difficult call as I feel judged and I feel criticised too. If it comes up I will talk about it with her. It would be interesting to see what support she can offer with this. I would like to ask her to try and put all judgement and criticism aside and listen to my honesty so that I can find a way to be the person I want to be. Is that the right wording God?
In a texting conversation with A I have mentioned the need for support. I feel so unjudged by A and it's a lovely feeling. The thing is she is so unavailable these days. Even more so than in the past - boyfriend, pregnancy, family, other friends. I am delighted for her but aware that it is less availability for me. I wouldn't want it any other way though in terms of what she has in her life right now. It seems everything she wanted. Thank you God for providing for A.
It's odd really writing that because I realise that I want so many different things and different times. My wants a diverse. It is impossible to have them all at the same time. I want to be wealthy with finances and nice things and comforts and then I want simple living too. I want to be academic, I want to be a psychologist but I want to be studying art history too. I want to be bohemian at times and at other times smart looking an polished. I want to be working, I want to be able to afford a life of leisure. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be free and spirited out of a relationship. God is it at all uprising that You cannot provide any of these things as they are constantly shifting within me? Is it because I still have o idea who I am or what I want? Or is this exactly who I am and all the things I want? Please God give me guidance. I am wanting to develop my faith in my belief of you. This is progress huh God?
It will soon be AWOL time and I haven't written anyway near all of the things and observations over the past few days.
I want to add if I haven't already written how wonderful it was to want to dress up and feel good in being dressed up and comfortable being the right size. It was one less thing to have to deal with. I also didn't have to deal with the buffet and hunger.
I did have to deal with not being overly at ease just generally chit chatting. I do not want to go into to deep and personal matters. It seems so intense. I did fall into that for a while with some friend of S's. I think he was ingenuine and there I was getting too open. I realised it but didn't know how to stop it. God? I could have said actually let's change the subject. How do I break into conversations though about other matters like art and general interests. I suppose it would be useful to have a way of finding out what interests people have and ask questions about that. For example the young lads playing football. I could have asked about their team and how they think they play. I could have asked about their interests outside of football.
Same with D really. I did with J, talking about her daughter and her family. She was so pleasant really. Everything seems simple. She and M do seem happy together, dancing and laughing about. How utterly wonderful.
Thankfully the talk with this friend of S's was towards the end of the evening and the lights were coming on a clearing up was the need. It couldn't go on. He did share with me his insecurity was of his colour. I wanted to know more but he deflected onto me. He said he was a detective in the police but afterwards K implied that generally he was full of bullshit really. I didn't tell her he said he was a detective but somehow he didn't seem genuine at all then. How the influences of others can be so powerful. Gossip is dangerous.
I was pleased with myself. I did not enter into the gripes and sniping between K and D. I listened  mainly. I have passed on to K how D complimented her as a mother. I thought that was very important.
Oh whilst feeling unattractive and grey in colour the friends of S's said that I had a great figure and should be proud of it. I was very attractive and should be proud of it. He was also very surprised I was 52 years of age. Good! I do feel it though whatever feeling 52 really means.
I was disgusted again by K's dads inappropriateness with women and even when he was telling me. I have always felt so uncomfortable with his feely touchy ways. He is inappropriate and it makes me feel physically sick. I connect it though when younger as accepting it as it was fairly normal practise in my own household.
What i also found disconcerting and sinister was that one of S's friend's father and his mate were hanging around the youngsters all evening. The father had divorced his wife and was now married to a young Thai woman who looked little and a childlike figure. I found these two men repulsive and very worrying actually. What is one to do about things like this as the girls are all of an age now where it is consenting whatever happens. However they may be totally unaware as these men apparently have gone clubbing with them for years. Oh yuch!!!
Is it my own issues and suspicions or is it wrong. It seems very wrong indeed!! I expressed my disgust and concern to K about these men and she told me of her observation of the fathers friend on the dance floor keeping everyone apart. There is something acutely wrong in this thing I've witnessed. I noticed S kept right away from them and have a concern about this.
OK it really, really is time to call the AWOL. I hope that I get on all OK.
I'm looking forward to listening and hopefully will find the courage and words to share.Please God help me to contribute actively to the AWOL today.

Back soon
Bliss

OK AWOL, lunch and then over to the B's to collect LouLou. What a beautiful day. Summer! I am so tired but I think it would lovely to go for a stroll.
I had a conversation with M mentioning the situation with D and K and heard my desire to have contact. As a result and also speaking with the B's I think it would be pertinent to let some time pass by and letting the two of them discover a little more comfort between them. Talking with K today she said that she and he spoke more today at the stables than they have over the past 5 years. Perhaps, who knows, I had an influence in that. I called K this afternoon and was able to say to her that I was concerned for her with the levels of her anger. I suggested that she might be the gracious K and the gentle K that I know she is underneath all the anger. And that the anger is a cover for the depth of her hurt. She kept wanting to work out why suddenly D is being more chatty today. She wanted to know if he was having difficulties in his marriage. I said I didn't know. My gosh she's tortured with all of this. And that's when I stopped her and said try to stop working it all out and keep out of what may or may not be going on and simply stick with accepting it at face value and concentrate on her own behaviour and attitude.
Something that really stood out for me on the AWOL was when someone shared about wanting everything my own way. From a very little girl I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now. I didn't take no for an answer either. If I was told no I would find a way to get it anyway. And it's like that now. The same person shared about how in recovery I can't always have what I want. Recovery has to come first and that might mean giving some things up. Now this resonated strongly with regard to the issue of wanting t be friends with D. And also the more my discomfort with it has been sat with the more I have re-thought the situation. I spoke to M as well on my way to the B's. And I talked about it at the B's too. he general consensus that sits comfortably with me is that I need to step back. Develop my friendship with K more and then maybe in the future there might be the possibility of having a friendship with D. I am also aware there is another agenda that is not pure of thought. It is a no go. I still have a pull of "oh but I want...". I just know that it's not appropriate. So what do I do now with regard to having swapped numbers. I will see if he contacts and deal with that at that time I think. 
Another thing I asked about was the right way to make contact with my cousin. Now this was another mind fuck. I had a real yearning to call Nina. She broke the news to me that Uncle Brian died two weeks ago. She had asked my dad to tell me. I spoke with him the Saturday before I went away o holiday and he said nothing. Immediately I realised this I was furious. Over time I've calmed down. Thinking it through it was a blessing really as it would have given me the dilemma of asking the others to return from our holiday early.
I'm really not certain how I'm supposed to feel about Uncle Brian dying. It sounds as if really it was a relief for him in a way. Living in a home, paralysed. Poor Uncle Brian. And Auntie Betty now with dementia. Gosh all the money and nothing has saved them from this. Apparently, according to Nina, Uncle Brian asked Lesley to stay with him as he was afraid. That's so sad that he never found faith amidst all his material world.
How dreadful I feel that I found myself hoping, hoping, hoping that a twinge of something good about him meant that he'd left a little something in his Will for me. How flipping selfish. But also how very human. I am so scared of my financial situation that any way of getting some money is on my mind.
But when I have, for some peculiar reason, detached and distanced from family members. What is it I am meant to feel. My cousin Lisa is dead, my Uncle Brian is dead. I feel strangely very little. I feel sad perhaps? I feel what? What am I meant to say and do?
I asked the B's what they thought I should do. They suggested writing to my cousins, explaining that I was away have just heard the very sad news. I can give them my phone number and invited them to call me.
With regard to my dad. Well I will say something when I am not so mad. Did he and my mum keep things from me when my mum was dying. And I know he was angry with me for not being there and leaving early from her party. I feel dreadful about that as it was really so that I could meet up with SH. I feigned feeling anxious about the numbers of people. My mum's last birthday party. That hurts deep deep inside of me. Tears come to my eyes. I was there to help her with the HR admin thing even though she was high on morphine. And then I was there every day at the hospice. God I truly miss my mum.  I feel so awful that in my illness I brought upon her a lot of worry. I wish that hadn't happened. But I need to be careful not to turn on myself. Not to wallow in anger or self-pity.
So a letter. I need to phone Nina and ask for R, L and N's address. They have their own lives and families so will probably not mind too much about me. It feels important for me to connect. And then there's that horrid little hope of something from the Will. Crazy. Put that right aside.

LouLou is lying on the floor sleeping and wagging her tail in her dream. That makes me smile. That's so important as she is getting older and I'm hating watching that happening. I cannot bear to think of her dying. I don't know how I could deal with her death. I feel fragile around this. She is my constant company here. LouLou is just here and around and I know it. She knows I'm here. This place will feel even worse. Stop projecting. Anything can happen between now and tomorrow.

What a joyful thing. Someone else I've been thinking about a lot has emailed me. My friend R. I haven't heard anything from her in ages. And she sent me this wonderful picture of life itself. My favourite horse of hers Amelie

That's lifted me out of the low mood that was descending, but ever so slightly. There is emotions there of deep sadness.

I think I'm all written out.

Bliss

XX