Our job is to monitor our emotions and continue to operate with good grace. Another choice is to desensitise and remove from struggles through addiction, through isolation, through emotional detachment, etc but with it goes any passion. These things are intrinsically linked. I want to feel passion. It brings also with it invigoration and energy, motivation to do more, experience and absorb more. All I need to do is learn acceptance and ways through the emotions as they arise. If I keep my faith then trust will carry me through any situation and any emotional response. So long as I monitor my response to my feelings. Out with reaction and in with awareness of behaviours, attitude, beliefs, motives, thinking and opinions.
Henry Ward Beecher said "No emotion, no more than a wave, can long retain it's own individual form". Quoted at the beginning of the film The Air That I Breathe by . This film was given just 2 stars by Empire. Interesting. It does seem a little cartoony but I've only just started watching it. Let's see what unfolds before making a decision. Having seen that though I am immediately influenced, so uncertain of my own judgements and wanting to appear intellectual and insightful rather than influenced by dross and lack of taste. Ha! This is funny having watched Grayson Perry's 3 part series on taste through the classes. I realised that the lower class have the most fun, wanting to be part of and samey but pretty relaxed about it and not trying to impress. It matters to me what I lie and don't like because of what other people will know about me. I think they'll see my lack of a creative mind and uneducated. Blimey! How did I ever get to be so shallow?
Until seeing that quote at the start of the film The Air That I Breathe, I had not heard of Henry. So reading his story was interesting. And even more interesting that despite being the centre of a highly publicised court case for adultery, there is no film produced about him. His life sounds worthy of more public awareness. He was heavily involved in abolitionism and a supporter for the women's suffragettes of the mid-1800's in America. A man one would think worthy of his story being told including the salubrious affair. A theologian, he advocated that sin was a temporary state of being for man and mankind, "which the love of God could burn away as a fierce noonday sun dries up a noxious mold," (Wikipedia).
So turning towards God means being loving from the heart. And then aware of my heart any sin is something I would (and do) want to address. I want to be closer with God's love for everyone and everything. This requires me being rigorously honest. Which I am not always but doing my best to correct this.
When I claim dishonesty, it could be something that on the surface appears slight and forgivable. As an example to some it may be quite acceptable to say I feel fine when in fact I am really in pain through trying to suppress specific feelings. This truly comes into action when I am particularly afraid of a person. I am unlikely to express my fear. The fear of being vulnerable stops that. For example being afraid that M will withdraw her friendship, but then to be vulnerable about that with her seems to me to be inappropriate. But instead of talking about this with others, I struggle away with it, acting out in less than honest ways. For example I was not saying when I was meeting up with other people that she knows as well. Without knowing why I felt afraid that if I did she would become upset with the situation, put the blame on me and then withdraw from me. And indeed speaking earlier today she owned how she can feel jealous and abandoned and her response is to withdraw in various ways. She described it as a childish response. It was good to hear that. I was able to speak about my apparent secrecy. I recognise now that there are many times and things I share with no one. Not out of a knowing need to deceive or keep secrets. Consciously there seems to be no need to tell anyone. My mum used to say I appear to simply take everything in my stride. I get on with things. Without passion perhaps or without showing anything at all. Because if I did then what? Would it be because I would be questioned or told not to and I want to. Perhaps it's because I don;t think anyone would be particularly interested or care? Often it just does not seem to occur to me to tell people what I'm doing or thinking. I just do things. For example. People don't know I write a Blog. Some of it I wouldn't them to read as there are inner thoughts that are part of processing and not the full and final result. People would be offended if they knew all my workings out I feel sure. Then there are things that I've done that I feel ashamed of. However, these things are the truth of me. I am imperfect and my processing is often flawed. Especially when I keep it private. I can be convincing. That's why it's better to talk things through and get others opinions or individuals meanings and intentions clarified. So I am interested in why I don't tell people things. By talking about this during the morning with K she suggested I sit back with God and thank Him for helping me to open and free with other people. "Thank you God for helping me with this" I believe this is for a good cause including feeling better with myself but also to show to others that I trust them. I think this will also show that I value them. Would it? It might help M to trust me more and I would feel better that I'm showing her how much I value her. Thank God for the creation of this awareness. I think it's probably just the start of it but it's giving me something to think about and now I need Your help to make changes.
It was lovely speaking with K this morning as well and hearing how she is praying for God to help to find compassion. This links strongly with my hope that can listen more to people. Thank you God for showing me how to have compassion and to be able to listen to people. If I can observe how things unfold then I think I step back from the emotion and that then doesn't drive the next best thing I do. If I observe I create more time to invite God into the situation or interaction. If I observe then there is time to ask God if my action is necessary, appropriate and truthful. Slowly, slowly improving.
Well Southampton are honouring my leave and study days. They have not confirmed whether I could claim a fixed monthly amount for the petrol. They are offering either OT or a change in times when the other person is away. She will check about additional 1:1's which are paid at £40 per hour rather than £35. I just can't decide whether the extra travel is worth it or not. 8am until 5pm 3 days a week and 8am until 9pm every Tuesday. God please show me what is the best thing to do here. I am off sick today so perhaps I can sit back in some quiet time and contemplate this.
If the EHDC housed me in Grayshott this would help. I have submitted the forms and trusting that being employed and earning won't affect my rent and security here but that they will also consider me favourably to relocate closer to Arford. That's what I'd like but I trust God has in store for me what is best. I do not go with the Calvinist belief, at least I think I've briefly understood this correctly, that Calvinists believe that our paths are predestined by God. I don't know why but it just seems too convenient. It does mind circles with me. Because I think that choices take us into different directions. If my relationship at home would have been different then perhaps depression and addiction would never have been triggered. However, there is a degree of predisposition within genetics. For example I do believe that the gene is there but will not necessarily be triggered. Circumstances will cue the sequence of events that will result in addiction for example. And then there is the environmental influences, such as Nixon's need for votes from the farmers and housewives contributing to fence to fence farming, resulting in a surplus of corn waste that two Japanese scientists used in the production of corn syrup, contributing to increased processed foods and resulting in addiction and obesity. Then the greed for power food industry capitalising on this and being a contributory factor in my own food addiction to sugar, flour and quantity. Nothing stands alone. It's all so very complex but also so very obvious. Interconnections that only Universal Energy can have an overview on but surely not a destiny already written?
K was talking about compassion explained through her Priest. She recounted her understanding from the Priests use of the parable about the Good Samaritan. The Priest said that Jesus uses this parable to illustrate eternal life which is what a lawyer questioned of him. K sees eternal life as serenity and peace within. Interesting as eternal life means to me the legacy that I leave behind even if it it isn't a direct quote or reference to me. The legacy I wish to leave behind is serenity and grace which means I need to work towards it myself before it can be passed on in any shape or form. Not find it but be working towards it.
The Good Samaritan by William Hogarth
According to the Priest Jesus said there are just two things the lawyer needed to do to be assured of eternal life. 1 - the love of God and 2 - the love of thy neighbour. But what does loving thy neighbour actually mean? It means to have compassion. Which interestingly is a part of what the Dalai Lama was saying. To have mutual respect for each others differences, cultural, social, beliefs, physical, spiritual or religious, educational, environmental and emotional. There could probably be more. The Dalai Lama was also saying this means to have compassion for the different struggles and how these manifest through people. Struggles as we know are a sign of passion and as I suggest passion will emerge as energy through emotions and actions. Communicating openly and honestly through listening and observing will serve us/me well. So the Priest went on to explain the story of the Good Samaritan. Firstly a Priest passed by the man in need. But he was on his way to a important destination. He had spent a week being cleansed in preparation for this place he was heading. To stop and help would mean taking him off schedule and inconvenience him because he would have to return to the starting point to be cleansed. Yes he would be too greatly inconvenienced to be able to stop and help. The second person passing was by was following the Priests lead. If this Holy man, a Priest could not delay his journey to help then helping was of less importance. So the second man did not help the man in need. However the third man, who was completely out of his home environment, went out of his way to help. He had compassion for this man in need despite the great cost to himself of time and money. He felt compassion in his heart and it was this that more than anything else made him want to help. I will add here that I think there is caveat to ensure that help given is actually the help wanted and needed. I think there are a lot of people who might impose their idea of help upon others. It's a form of conceit and power I think.
The thing is and as K said there are things that I really couldn't care less about. I am not really worried about such as uhhmmmmm well uhmmmm I would say world conservation t the level that I really take action. Or the plight of the film industry with piracy via the Internet escalating and seemingly beyond control. I'm aware but do I care? Not really fully but sort of. The thing is I want to care about things, people, places. This is where passion is, this is where emotions can be found. If I am not compassionate there is room for behaviours to be guided by emotions such as jealousy and fear and anger. God please help me to change my heart. SH used to say don't care was meant to care. I don't truly understand the sentence but I understand the meaning. When I don't care about something perhaps I need to take another look and find out what is really going on. I recall being in group and listening to a lady whose son had been killed in a tragic accident. Furthermore, her husband was disappearing from her with Alzheimer's. She had been so in love with this man but now she was having to watch him disappear and yet still be there. Not having had these experiences but having experienced the death of my mum I thought that I knew the experience. It was someone else who said I cannot imagine how this must be for you. I observed how this lady suddenly felt heard and understood. There was a release of emotion from her and a sudden warmth from her that at last someone cared enough to hear what it was like for her and stop telling how she needed to be. This was a lesson but not lesson enough. Please God help me to listen with respect, trying to understand what it's like for the person. Please give me the questions to ask that helps them to express so that I can understand better and they can have faith in my care - friends, family, clients, colleagues, passers-by. Please help me to have compassion and to be able to support them however seems appropriate, finding the balance between meeting their needs and not enabling their wants. Please help me to show their value from my love for them. And this way show me how to be gracious and contribute to peace. Thank you God.
Thank you God for the last call I received from S. Amazing how she actually used examples from her FA experiences to exemplify not being heard and feeling really respected and listened to. of course she had her part when a few years ago in FA she was stating her case for Ramadan. Her awareness each year has grown and she could see today how she was manipulating for the sake of the food by saying that the large feasts in the evenings were all a part of the culture but now she is seeing how she was eating differently from others. She would binge and feast whilst she sees recently that people take their plate and then wrap food up to use throughout the week. I asked her the significance of Ramadan. S explained that it was recognised within her faith that food is something that takes one away from their conscience and so this period of fasting over a month is a time to remove the obsession and indeed any other habitual behaviours such as smoking to make the room for more mindfulness and meditation. It is also a time to remember people who don't have as much or anything at all. Everyone has something even if it's inner something but I guess you'll know what I mean. I'm sure there is more to know but this was it in a nutshell. How interesting that recognition of food being the focus and the time made to remove it and change the focus. And also how striking that she should be calling to say how she felt really delighted with the response of her current sponsor. In the past she was met in her opinion with rigidity and no room for supporting her religious practises. I asked how it was different and how she felt respected and listened to. She said this sponsor asked her questions and thanked S for being so informative and helping the sponsor to understand better this time. The suggestion has been to take some quiet time. Her sponsor will talk to her sponsor and there is experience already within the rooms when people are practising the Jewish faith and Yom Kippor. There is always a solution it doesn't have to be a no! This was another level of interest for me. I am recognising a rigidity in the lineage I am with. There is no room for manoeuvre. At this time it suits me well. I know it's working and to be honest I haven't asked too many questions of it. I was surprised that I could have basil leaves within my salad and delighted to be able to too. But things like exotic fruits. Who says they are exotic? I have been fortunate enough to have worldwide fruits since a child because my mum brought them back from her travels. Now all sorts of fruits are easily accessible from supermarkets. Does this make them exotic because they are not grown here. But an apple might be exotic in another climate. Anyway it is a little niggle in the back of my mind so this was enlightening. There is recovery to be had within any situation.
Now I was really pleased to be able to speak with S and ask her questions so that I understood. I also listened to her talk about her course in which she has realised that she and her boyfriend need to talk about their long term plans and see the familiar grounds and understand where they are heading as individuals and together. I liked this. She is on a management course. I wonder how often we all sit and consider our short, mid and long term plans.
I quite easily sit here just trudging along with great ideals but no real sense of what I want to be doing in a years time or 2 or 5 years time. I am aware that there is a short life span amongst the females in my mums family so it would be a good idea to put some focus into this - mindfulness.
So many subjects covered today just through talking and time to consider them.
And all so very connected. Mutual respect, compassion, love and peace. IN that order it seems to me as well
Thank God for bringing these messages to me to consider and thank you for helping me to put these into action.
Bliss
XX
