Accountability page

It feels a little strange writing this knowing someone I know might read it. It's always been fine that S read it in the past. Why is that different. She knows everything. I wrote it with knowledge that it's "out there" and yet it's also been a private place to download feelings and thoughts.

Anyhow I will put all concerns aside and continue to write ...

Pulling out of a tailspin yesterday was quite something. After a lifetime of crashing into despair and all the chaos that can bring, being safe and sound without having to depend on anyone but HP has been a very nice feeling. I would use words such as amazing and wonderful, words to really sound excitable by. But reality has been simply "ah I'm okay". And that seems right. It's as if that been there always and fits well. I think this is how it should be. I think this is what's been missing, the KNOWING.
Somehow I just didn't get shown how to console myself. And so feelings felt terrifying. Sometimes there was terror. My mum would even mock me for the ways I would sit in my bedroom and sob, watching myself in the mirror. She didn't know it was the way I detached from myself and gradually wouldn't hurt anymore. I do not blame or resent my mum and dad. They just did what they did to their best. My dad was "a bit fucked up!", that's all. And so now after all these years I've been learning how to take care of myself, not just cope but really to be able to assuage not suppress, comfort not detach. I really felt the presence of my HP as the tailspin quickly seemed to be out of control. I just saw the glimmer of God, a goldness amidst the dark and I reached out. And then there was no chaos, no outbreak of insane behaviours. Certainly a vulnerability but I was steady again.
Thank you God and with a beaming smile.

I am concerned that I've created a sense in others that I need looking after. Ironic really as it's what I spent a lifetime trying to find and of course constantly let down on because no one can and really it's not what I want. With it comes control and rebellion and dysfunction and eventual discord.
I am not precious and even though I have moments of true frailty, I am merely vulnerable and have a steady inner strength to draw from. It was an absolute realisation that I do NEED anyone but of course I need support. I don't know if the difference is made clear in the way I've put that but I know what I mean. It's just an all knowingness (I don't think that word actually exists but it's a sense thing) that actually everything is and will be okay. Gosh! My general sense of fear is lifting.
So much has altered in this past year. So much has altered in the past 2 and half years in FA. When I thought I worked a good programme FA has shown me there is still more to have and it's just better and better. Such gratitude within me is uplifting. Thank you God.

I have faltered on ACT in recent days. I have not put any action in. The block is putting together the content for the presentation on 25th Feb and with that slides. However, the logo is now done and ready. How flipping exciting.
My profile is uploaded onto the Counselling Directory and can be found in the Haslemere area. I am just awaiting confirmation of the room hire. JB has very kindly lent me some dough to pay for the insurance, the CRB check and start a mailing campaign. I need to make some liaisons with local GP surgeries and see if they would consider me for referrals. That needs time of which I have little. If I could secure this weekly evening talk that might prove fruitful, one never knows. Do I buy a projector with the money I've been lent? Or do I wait and see? Small problem really but a concern nonetheless.
In a way I should have kept a record of how things have unfolded. Along the way so many people have been a party to this becoming what it is.
I had been thinking more about the possibility when I had my Sunday night stay at Champney's with S of FA. And then meeting with L and chatting through some of the techniques I use in a therapy session, she was thrilled and enthralled and encouraged me to think about what I'd need to do to get this underway. All along there is a feeling of guilt about PD. Still though I talked about the idea with AK on our lovely day walking and taking photos. She also was enthralled about the way that I conduct my therapy. I think I do as good a job as I can with the tools that I have. I want to keep learning and improving as a therapist. I want only ever to do the very best for my clients. I was having moans about PD though and the way he is practising at present. I was using this as the reason to start up but really that's bullshit. It contributes to having the energy and enthusiasm, but it's not THE reason.

 

So having felt encouraged by L and AK. So I enquired with S of FA about the contact she has at Champney's and in a moment of utter madness, I sent an email. He replied with enthusiasm about weekly presentation on the subject of food and exercise addiction. And then decided to invite me to make the presentation to him and some colleagues to see if it's suitable for their product. We negotiated an hourly rate and so a date was fixed. 25th Feb. Bloody hell the business existed. No name, no anything. In the meantime I had met DW on PoF. I had a discussion with him about this idea and he enthused more, encouraging me and offering to hep with a website and promotion etc. And so here I am with a name and logo all thanks to CT, brilliant artist. ACT Addiction Counselling and Therapy exists. MW had mentioned an emerald and flawed emeralds being the best. Emerald is my birthstone and suddenly resonated deeply with a connection to my mum. She gave me an emerald ring once. I have it but have never worn it. It has a flawed emerald in it. But the name just didn't sound right. But when Christine and I started working on the name and logo we both liked the idea of an art deco style, the name seemed to come with me fluffing around with words and then suddenly there is was "ACT" and the emerald is incorporated in style into the logo. It remains important even though a couple of people have said they don't like that bit.
And here we are. A bit stuck now!
Oh and then JB offered to lend me the money as I start to really have to put down some costs. Pay CT for her work despite her not wanting any money. She has none so I'm glad to find a way to contribute a little towards her big trip, even though it's a meagre amount. I need to purchase insurance although I've thought why bother when I don't have any clients. At least it's not urgent right at this moment. And I also need to get a CRB check underway. I don't know if I need to register the company or not?? And I need to ask some guidance from an accountant. Not followed through with that yet.
BUT I am a tad stuck. With a heap of study backlog to catch up on and a big essay to start ready for hand in next Tuesday.
From hereon it will be head down and back to using Cow Parsley and Honesty as a half hour to feel and then get back to it.
Which is what I'm going to do now.

Oh and I need a business plan by 7th march to enter the OU competition with cash prizes for new businesses. I need a USP beyond just addiction. I think that is the group work and workshops I want to incorporate into ACT.

Right back to it

Bliss
xx
 

Andreas Gursky

     



This is my own photo taken 11 April 2011

 

Decisions decisions

Is it me?
So this morning G knew that I was studying. He had already said that he would be dragging his heels before leaving and made comment about what time would I be intending on kicking him out? It's as if he's made a victim in all of this. Writing this I feel furious. It's a culmination of things really. He comes here and just stays and stays. He is welcome to feel at home but also he takes extreme liberties. He asks if he can stay as if he's a victim. Then when he's here he just makes things dirty and doesn't clear up after himself. He offered to wash up when I was about to start doing it and got quite cross when I said I would do it. I said then that I needed it done before 12:30. IUt stillw asn;t done so I started doing it. He was cross again and I said I needed it sone so would rather do it. Angrily he said "do it then!" as if I was in the wrong. Was I? I didn;t expect him to do it. It would have been nice if he had and even bothered to do it from time to time. He moans about making me cups of tea all the time but it's the only f....ing thing he does do. He worked out where we were going to walk but couldn;t drive us there because he didn;t have much petrol.
Then there's his situation ith D. He says they are just good mates. However, he acknowledged that she does come onto him especially when drunk. He gets cross when I ask questions and it seems to me he is angry coz the reality is exposed. He talks about it as if it's all okay. I doubt very much whether it would be all okay if it were the other way around. I do not expect nor want him to change things because I don't like it. On the contrary. If he was to alter the situation it would need to be because he wanted to. But as it is I don'tlike it. D wants him to stay this coming weekend when her husband is away. I said I do not feel at all comfortable with that and niether does he. But because I am a secret once again he would have to make up llies to explain why he can't stay. This isn't okay in my book. The entire situation is not respectful to me I don't think. Now he could probably swing that aroundsaying that I don't want to stop mny studying and our time is limited. There is some validity in that. It does interfere with social life. But it isn't in the secret. I don't have to lie to anyone including him about it. I am tied for time and want to put some effort where I haven't been until now.
I do make time for him. It's difficult for me to see the difference but it feels different.
This morning I said I didn;t have time to help him with his phone issues. Yet again he tries to talk whilst I am studying - and I have fiully informed him of my commitment. So when I asked him for help, which I might add he said he would help over the weekend, he said no he didn;t have time right now. I know it was a tit for tat, retaliation. Again no doubt feeling rejection or something. The f...ing victim yet again. Well his reponses are really quite nasty. And then he got agry and things were thrown around. His f...ing phone. When things don't work out for G he just gets really outrageoulsy angry. This behaviour truly is not nice. I get angry. I get raging. I am attempting to manage my behaviour better and remain dignified and also be respectful and conscious of other people. I wasn't in the past. So G is where he is but again it's whether I want to tolerate it or not.
Is it worth it? Is he thoughtfuol enough and interesting enough and nice enough? He is likeable, funny, intelligent, bright and so on. He has some spiritual path. But there are behaviours and attitudes that really are not acceptable to me. I wish he were just a friend and then there wouldn;t be all the nastiness which I believe will ensue if I do decide to end it. Even if he decided to end it I don't think he could be amicable. And surely that tells me a lot!!
What am I doing and why am I deliberating? Because I don't want to lose the things in him I do enjoy. Yesterday walking and him showing me places to see the cowslips. They were in abundance and there was A and I seeking them out last year as if they were a rarity. And all the names of things he just knows. I makes it so interesting to walk. The trees, the birds, the wild flowers. Wow how it's opened me up to even more beuaty that surrounds us. We walked through private land and he had worked it out on the maps. That's fantastic.
I have his maps downloaded. Can I retain those if I don't have his sign on. And some of them I have paid for too. Oh well let go of the money. Yet again I come out worse off financially. I leant him £240 for tyres which I still haven't received back when he assured me I would get it back. We'll see if he does when he recieves his back pay. Somehow I doubt I will see it ever again. I did remind him again recently.

Photos fromm yesterday.

 Field of cowslips

 Cuckoo Flower

 Leaf of Common Spotted Orchid

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cowslip

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 Cuckoo Flower

 

 Forget-me-not

 Forget-me-not

 Mayflower?

 

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 Mayflower?

 

 Lords and Ladies leaf

 Natures Sculpture

 

 Holly - oh la la!

 Clock Tower (not too clear)

 Trespassing on private woods. I want my own!

 The navigator!

 Wood Spurge

Bliss
XX

Borrowed pic

A class taste

Well what a day! All sorts of experiences to ponder and ask for guidance with ....
I always feel awkward and kind of clumsy when I meet with S. To me she seems so gracious and composed but also I think there is something held back. And then I become all sort of gushing and silly. I feel the child that's for sure when I'm with her and yet I'm old enough to be her mother.
And then whilst in the meeting I felt LARGE. Someone came over during our 5 minute break to remark on how tiny I am now. And E who I had met in my first weeks of being in FA also commented on how tiny I am. I felt the opposite. It's seems odd that I can have such an inaccurate sense of my physical self. When I've been LARGE I feel LARGE but don't see it fully until in a photograph or something. And now I'm slim once again I see LARGE, even in photographs. I was sitting in comparison yesterday.
As my sponsor was saying this morning I have this mental illness and a lot of it for me sits in self-hatred. I compare and despair as B says. And this insecurity and self-hatred means I operate in spiritual blindness. This is important to bring God into this today. God I need help to stay away from comparison with others.
I noticed that with some people I feel uneasy. It manifests in different ways. With N I feel that she is wary of me for some reason. She is almost over friendly and then distant both at the same time. I feel irritated by her for some reason. I' not sure what irritates me though. To stay out of my self-centredness I need to keep in mind her background and what might be going on for her. Of course I can project my ideas of what her issues might be onto her and that can make it worse. I know she had a relapse and returned having gained a lot of weight. When I've been bigger than other people who were once bigger than me I can have real jealousy and even hatred. It's of course hatred for myself really. So I wonder if I'm projecting that onto her. I have felt a difference in her from the friendly person I met. I have stopped calling her and she's stopped calling me. I will call her and say that I've noticed we speak less even though it was regularly anyway.
And with C I see a real defensiveness from her. She looks suspicious. I consider that her childhood in NI must have a real impact on relating with people and life  general. She can't be that old, she doesn't look that old but old enough to have had to live through some very difficult times. Probably even basic survival things. I was please that I was aware of my lack of desire to make contact with her - keep her at a distance because she is distant from me. So I said hello and reminded her who I was because I usually think no one will remember me. We chatted for a while and managed to establish a few things going on for her. She wants to return home and I learnt a little about her job, which she loves. I mentioned to B that I felt jealous of her. And when speaking to H this morning she said she often asks herself what it is she's jealous of in a person as it can be a realisation of things she wants to do. Some of my jealousy is often banal. I'm jealous that B might like C more than me. Or that others seem to like her despite my thinking of her as stand offish and suspicious. That;s when I think it would be important to step aside from my self and learn more about the person. And that's when I can bring to min that perhaps her environment has influenced the way she is. Maybe she's not suspicious at all but that's how it seems. She is very cautious about the people she has contact with. Now she is a little more familiar in the rooms perhaps she will be less threatened by other less frequent visitors. Maybe it's nothing like that at all. I would be interesting in knowing but I think that will take time. Interestingly for me the more someone is withdrawn or distant the more gushing I can be or completely ignore them.
With V i sensed a distance. However, by persevering and talking with her she has been more open. That's not my talking I hasten to add as she stated the other day how detached she realised she can be and is making a concerted effort to engage at a different level. I feel honoured that I am one of the person she has done that with this week.
So all these interactions - it's so fascinating. Then spending time with V. It was delightful that when I spoke with him on the phone and mentioned that I was visiting the Victoria Miro gallery to see the Grayson Perry tapestries, he asked if he could come along too. It was a really lovely afternoon. He is so at ease talking about all sorts of things. He was a little reluctant to talk about his family. He has decided to detach from them. His mother moved to Ghana a long time ago now. He is only in his mid 20's so he has had to fend for himself for a long time. He has no contact with his brothers. I wonder why? I had already felt as if I had pried too much as his entire demeanour altered when talking about these matters. So I backed off despite being intrigued to know more. i have to remind myself I'm not at work and also there is time to be light and breezy. So we were and there was much joviality between us.
I was really amazed at myself having taken us on the number 17 bus to Wharf Road, N1 but it was the N1C  bit that meant we were in the wrong place. Tra la la. We laughed but also I felt guilty and over remorseful. For goodness sake I made a mistake and it was a use of the internet that I didn't bother to check. Who would have thought there could be two Wharf Roads in London N1 even with the subtle difference that I didn't check. V was so gracious talking about the many times he's travelled about and got to a place without knowing where he was and to add to the problem no map either. But here we were generally in the right direction and with the wonder of an iPhone access to Maps app. It meant a little walk through to Angel and then a short bus trip. I enjoy travelling around London by bus, so much more interesting than by tube. Another short walk chatting about all sorts of things and presto! we arrived. Victoria Miro gallery, Wharf Road, Islington, London, N1. What a fantastic premises for a gallery. And Grayson Perry's tapestries were tremendous. Here are some rather poor photos as a taster ....

Unfortunately the photos of the Upper Class tapestries didn't come out clearly, well only two of them are really worth displaying. A real pity.

There are a number of things I'd like to know more about N.E.S.L - what does this stand for? It probably did say in the series. And the anchor appears in some way in each of the tapestries W.R.A.

It became clearer the ways in which the tapestries are influenced by the renaissance paintings as mentioned in the galleries description of the tapestries. As well of course as the inspiration Grayson has apparently taken from William Hogarth's The Rakes Progress. Which I have discovered is at the John Sloane's Museum in Lincoln's Inn Field. I of course now want to go there more urgently than ever. It's been something A and I have been discussing and G too.

Gosh there is so much detail it's difficult to even pin point some of the things I discussed yesterday whilst actually there. Something that was immediate to V was that the Upper Class seemed to be actually transversed with working class. He pointed out everything in the tapestry (and this is the one that I don't have an even half decent photo of) is what he knows to be working class. He said that it could be anywhere in London and then of course reading the scripture of the tapestry it became clear that he was right. The move through the classes is apparently an emulation of Tome Rakeford's journey into wealth, then loss then rebuilding of wealth and finally dying in despair and mental illness. Interesting. The funny thing is that the happiest tapestries were the working class ones. Despite all the buys-ness of them, they were bright and cheerful. The middle class tapestries appeared to be less jolly despite appearance and the upper class tapestries just seem spacious but empty space, not airy. The of course the last one showing hi dead in the gutter despite all his wealth. Gosh a very poignant tale. Is that how it is? Yes I guess for some there is that growth from nothing to enormous wealth and all the trappings but despair with it. The working classes maybe be clamouring for financial security but they are finding pleasure in more simple things. What happens to the thinkers though?

Well it's nearly AWOL time.

A way of life not absent without leave. It's funny really because it's quite the opposite from the absence, it's a real showing up for life. And yet every time I can think of it as absence.

I'm feeling hungry. I'm not sure if this is tiredness. or that I have so many things I need to do and don't want to do them - such as writing a bit more of the accreditation dissertation, tidying and cleaning, reading, walking LouLou. It's probably a complete mix of all of these things.

Oh and I want to call my dad too but have forgotten yet again to talk to anyone about this. I will call someone before I do it.

And then there was the texting with M this morning. I can seem to me that I get it very wrong with M so often. She tells me how she's feeling about things but with little compassion. Or maybe I receive it with little compassion. She is angry that I sent texts and emails asking how she is. She felt that the email was just another way of getting in and as if I'd ignored her text response. It seems to me as if she is confusing me with her mum. Would it be wrong to say such a thing. Well yes for the time being I think it is wrong to say such a thing. Instead I sent a string of words that were from my heart and also my hurt. I will include this text conversation in a separate Blog. Just for interest as it is important in working how to relate with people in the loving and caring way I desire to communicate. People matter to me and I want to convey that value in my actions and not just my words. As I have seen with Grayson Perry and with V and some other people.

I need to continue writing about this as it's important to get down I think.

So bye for now

Bliss

XX





Rains, wild flowers and things

Fry, Kusama and photo journalists

 - Stephen Fry at the Bafta's. He will be making a return to live stage later this year in Twelfth Night. Only standing tickets left on 2 midweek matinee's. He commands such acclamation.

The pic of Stephen fry looks as if he's in the bipolar if that's a recent photo but I think that's my own stuff - mood and too much food I think are closely associated. I'm not sure which comes first to be honest. I certainly haven't had lows since food has been in order. I do have flashes of just wanting life to be over and I generally welcome death mainly being surprised I'm still alive anyway - sometimes disappointed. It's odd that I exist on an underlying bleakness but still find joy and gratitude during a day. Sometimes I notice it's beyond joy and becomes exaltation which I know means irrational behaviour and attitude but I don't know it when in the middle of it. I have questioned the diagnosis of bipolar, really liking it at first. Mainly because it sort of gave me a sense of something bizarre as that might sound. I meant I was taken seriously in my crazy world. Having a label made me a somebody. How sad that seems now that I've written that. But since then I've thought differently.  I don't think my craziness is bad enough to be bi-polar and also I'm not sure what leads it all. Is it addiction or bipolar or just sheer fucking faulty wiring of everything. Sometimes I'm all OK - normal it seems. I think I've had extended periods of that in the last 90 days. But I can hear a little voice that is getting louder. It tells me that all the being good is tedious. Nothing naughty and fun doesn't happen. I've had this since a little girl. I wrote a tiny tiny list once to try and shut this inner voice up. I was about 11 or 12. Things like I will not tell lies, I will not be naughty, I will not make up worlds. I had fantasies back then. I can even visualise that little piece of paper now. But I would always renegade on what good me set up for myself. I don't think there's anything evil - I never ever have meant anyone any harm. I feel sad actually as it seems all do uncontrollable. Since starting this text I've since spoken with my sponsor and through talking got some more clarity. The naughtiness is so linked with my deep fury. I sexualise fury - even since little. I'm scared of that now. After the destructiveness of the relationship with JH and before him CY - I truly am afraid of that in me. I really am turning to God more but I'm furious with God too. So sharing all this verbally has brought more insight and I can feel calm returning. Interesting too how unconscious motives and thoughts are driving naughty me. .....and just then my dad called. I think subtly and not so subtly this is all linked. It's his birthday on Tuesday. I feel flustered about that. Then his phone call - frankly I don't believe his excuses but to begin with I was alarmed and fearing something dreadful by his tone. Listening for every little tonal difference I detected what gave me a clue it was a lie. I don't trust him and don't find it easy to let go of my lack of trust. He's lied to me for ever. So what? That's just the way he is but it's tapped into my broken heart and rage. I feel a need to rage but know I need to contain it. This feels very difficult right now. Thank God my food is weighed and measured. I need real help with all of this from God.

An interesting call with my sponsor around all this stuff - my thoughts on Friday morning about feeling naughty. I am the little girl with the gilr in the middle of her forehead. I go along being good, good, good and then a little inner voice questions the goodness and says "where's all the fun? Let's use some energy!". Good doesn't burn up this energy inside of me. B asked if it was rebellion. And as I was talking about this is when I was identifying a burning rage in me. I'm not sure that the energy isn't just me. A fierce energy that needs to be directed because otherwise it can become a destructive force. I don't know if it's actually linked with any underlying feelings provoked by events of the past. That would make it very explainable but sometimes it feels free floating energy that needs to be expounded. And always it's been like a little thought change in my thinking.
Then B asked me this morning to take some quiet time to consider if that thinking was linked with my actions of yesterday, day 89, and then ending up eating my meal at 8pm. I wasn't going to tell her at all, then I wasn't going to tell the full extent of the lateness, then I decided I needed to take responsibility and face up to the consequences. I trusted that all would be OK whatever.
In truth I don't think this was a rebellious chain of events. I was in London and went along to the Tate Modern only to discover that the time slots they were selling would mean a 1 1/2 hour wait. I deliberated long and hard but my focus was on whether it would be acceptable to Abigail or not. I couldn't get hold of her to see if it was and so decided not to. I headed towards the photo journalism exhibition. This incidentally was free and with my current money situation should have been my choice anyway. However, I wanted also to see the Yoyoi Kusama exhibition based on recommendations from two people whose opinion I value greatly from their creative interests in the past. I went back deciding that I might as well get a ticket as I was going to mill around anyway. Now it was another hour later!!! But as I had made a decision and was not enjoying the indecision in me, I went ahead. What I didn't think about was when I would actually get home to eat my evening meal. It turned out that I didn't get to eat until just before 8pm a whole 2 hours later than I am required to eat. And I was hungry. I made my decisions all based on the wrong focus. I need to adjust that thinking. A focus on my clean food MUST MUST MUST come first. Then and only then is there room for spontaneity and freedom. After realising, I made a call to B to tell her the situation but I was unable to reach her.
In hindsight I could have better come to a healthy decision by calling out to other FA folk. However, having been at a meeting all morning with them I thought I was all "cured". Ha! I can learn from this too. It would make indecision less painful if I actually deliberated over choices with the help of others. I pray that I learn this lesson just as I pray I have learnt the lesson to make decisions with a focus on keeping my food clean as a priority. And this doesn't simply mean the food that I eat but the time as well.
Then the other great lesson is the ability to take responsibility, not manipulate the truth and through the honesty take the consequences willingly. At this point I have agreed to use some quiet time to really think about this situation. I think right now that I've become aware of a lot through the experience. Actually in writing I think I could be given the benefit of the doubt to see if I have truly become self aware and through being honest I think it has shown me a lot. I do think of my recovery as the most important thing but it just goes to show unless I remain alert and vigilant things can start to slip.
I don't know if my decision was linked with thoughts earlier in the week about wanting to be naughty. There is no conscious connection. I will keep an open mind to that though. Perhaps I wanted to sabotage the 90 days because I've been afraid of the 90 days ending and what that actually means. I enjoy my daily calls with my sponsor and committing my food to her. I don't want that to alter and she said that it wouldn't for the time being. I'm afraid that people wanting me to share has a pressure that I'm not dealing with and also that I've made a think out of not sharing for 90 days. I think others have made more out of it than I have but I wish I had been at bigger meetings where it would have slipped by less noticeably. And I've enjoyed the fact that I haven't needed to share, instead becoming more contemplative about subjects being raised. Furthermore, it's meant that I do call out more. I've seen a lot in the quietness from sharing at meetings. I have shared often for affect. I want only to share in earnestness and for the newcomer. I think I've had some realisations about that too. What that actually means.
And in my thoughtfulness about a mental disorder, am I, aren't I bi-polar? Did I manipulate the psychiatrist to think I am? Although I didn't have that in mind when I told him my story .... he said bi-polar and borderline. I was less "proud" of the latter and chose not to tell too many people, in fact only two, ML and JH. JH seemed to turn that against me confirming my need to hide it away. I know that fits at times though. And that's a point to be made that really ads weight to my belief that diagnoses are not to be used as a label to describe. By this I think symptoms ebb and wane. So in other words I am not bi-polar all of the time, I am not borderline all of the time. Maybe the wiring is the same but the symptoms are not always present so the diagnoses need to be allowed to be flexible. And psychologically that raises the interesting point for me as to what causes the symptoms to manifest? Is it cyclical thereby meaning that it is purely genetic and will happen anyway. Or are there cues that trigger the different ways it manifests? Or are the varying symptoms within the diagnoses actually part of the same thing at all? Lots of questions and I am truly not sure how I would even go about making the deeper enquiries into this. It would require I guess a longitudinal study of various populations and neurological scans would be helpful too. But how to monitor as a person is beginning to build up to obvious symptoms. They would have to be continuously under scrutiny and then ethically this would not be appropriate.
Hmm - interesting how much I've learnt from my degree so far to be able to even think along these lines.
And this thinking led onto me driving a long, contemplating whether I have these mental disorders or not when suddenly it really dawned on me that I have a mental disorder. Whether it's labelled addiction or eating disorder or whatever, it's mental. I inform clients everyday about their mental disorder, I study it, I go to meetings and hear it but I have never truly let that sink in. I have a mental illness. The hard-wiring is skedaddled and whether that's happened at birth or along the way is neither here nor there but it would be nice to know to be able to direct the anger accordingly. But there is no knowledge so I just have anger about that. But then I know intellectually and see more and more evidence of the fact that everyone is wired imperfectly in some way. How that manifests in the functioning can be very similar. So actually is it imperfect of simply individual differences of something that is so incredibly complex and I don't just mean the hard wiring. It's all so interlinked. The wiring, the environment, the people. None of it exists without the other.
Bronfenbrenner and ?? - forgotten the name so I need to look it up now .. hold on please ... Sameroff and the transactional model of development.




But these apply ongoing in adulthood - we are always in a state of development I believe albeit at a different pace and interface.


So when it's a mental illness I have that sounds so damning and something that I interpret as meaning I am not of a mind to be able to know myself. That is so Victorian - lock em up and throw away the key. It suggests that only other can decide for me. However, that's not the case. As I discussed with Dr G, it doesn't mean I am incapable, it means that I need to do things differently to check out what is the insane thinking and what is the sound thinking. I absolutely have sound thinking but it gets muddled up. I realise that this happens for everyone but it manifests in different ways and some people seem to make it all seem plausible because they are fully functioning and my stay that way until the end of their time.
What I am seeing is that I can go beyond just getting by. I can embrace the mental illness and find out more about being human. It's infinite within the finiteness. I am probably sounding a little crazy now.
The point is that I have a mental illness that thankfully is not beyond reason. I can embrace that fact now and by so doing I can more easily call upon help rather than wonder and wander about aimlessly.



So back to yesterday. I did get to see the exhibition. I found it fascinating, more so her recent work. It was bright and somehow charming although a sinister edge to it. I overheard someone saying how sensual he thought she was and yet materials suggested she was obsessed with sex. Someone else said that she had been forced to watch her father having sex with women other than her men. I haven't read that myself so not sure of the validity. I too though got a sense of her sensual side. What do I mean by sensual. I think there is/was a real sexual woman inside of her. Maybe it was trapped in her through the events of an abusive past and the trauma's of warfare. Apparently she was directly affected by the nuclear bomb in Hiroshima. If so she lives on strongly enough it seems although now a little doddery. But yes her work is sensual too. I thought her penile sculptures were funny. Disgusting too in a way for me and what it represents. I could relate to them, penis's everywhere but like living creatures somehow, not needing a body attached to them.
This pic wasn't a part of the exhibition but sort of says it all to me. The sensual woman, sexy and capable of sex. That's me. I make myself sexual because I think I have to and even can enjoy it from a power point of view. But then looking at the penis directly, it has other meanings. It has control over it's man and over me. Hmm not quite getting the words to describe that yet. I don;t think the penis is thinking or anything quite like that but there are the sinister undertones, the power it yields over men and women removing sensitivity and reasonable actions.


This walk through mirrored room enchanted me. I want this in my life everyday. It was childlike and absolutely took me away into smiles and delight.

I didn't want to leave this room or the experience. It was moving yet still. Ooooh I want to be there right now. It's a feeling deep inside of me a sort of excitement.

These recent works really grabbed me. I was enthralled by their brightness and playfulness yet also saw something sinister, sharp teeth-like nastiness amidst all the play.




And the eyes - I draw lots of eyes. Looking out or being watched? I am not sure. I love eyes. It reminds me of the eyes in the monster hands in Pan's Labrynthe. I found that both enthralling and frightening as well.

So although the exhibition may have cost me my 90 days recovery, it was so worth going to see. Apparently Ishiguro wrote one of his novels based on her ... I need to check this out as it is just hearsay at this moment. A Pale View of Hills. It is his first novel and the themes running through it seem intriguing to me - loss, guilt and responsibility. Wikipedia says " It examines what we know, what we tell, and what we deny about the truth of our own history."
I am seeing as I learn more about myself these exact things. I have a story in me to write and would love to have the imagination Ishiguro has to tell the story away from my own personal self yet examining these very things within me. It has to come from within I would imagine to be ale to write so profoundly and at the same distanced from self.

Oh I also visited the photo journalist exhibition.

Mich Epstein. The sharp edges really attracted me. Not only this though as the powerful extremes of beauty and destruction, side by side in an image. The hurricane photo for example was absolutely beautiful yet I knew that it had been devastating. It looks like the human stuff is meant to be strewn about. And the pollution of the fumes yet looking so beguilingly formed and solid. Then the charming home garden over shadowed by giant chimneys silently in charge over later ruination in a little child that might play in that garden, innocent of the dangers as it's just there. Sinister.








Luc Delahaye - focused more on war zones such as Afghanistan and Iraq

This could almost be a holiday snap apart fromt he content of it.


Speaks for itself.

Guy Tillim
A candidate entering a stadium. Imagine the sounds and smells and I feel fear too through a throng of emoted people



He really does tell stories with his photos.

Boris Mikhailov - the Tate Modern describe having two of his important images from earlier works of his. I'm not sure which two they are referring to but this struck me.


He had many there all featuring something red which was described as him displaying how much "red" plays a part in daily Ukraine lives. It was a huge wall of photos. That to me showed everyday scenes of hardship and yes something red was in everyone sort of being a sub-them of attention focus. The harder theme was the hardship.





There were a series of these blued photos. Just little scene snapshots of endurance I thought and blueness.

And Akram Zaatari - people people people - in studios. People of Beirut ....


There were some with guns - playfully modelling with them. But again it seemed indicative of how normalised people are to having guns about the place.



So all in all a good day except that I didn't put my focus on my food. I pray to God that I take the lesson from this and can alter my focus of attention. I want to remain abstinent and that means making my food recovery the first thing I take care of and then I can be free to enjoy living life.

Thank you God and Universe for this lesson. I have certainly taken something from it.
What's the fictional story that lies beneath the reality please God?

:)


.... and finally. Much to my shame and embarrassment, I am shredding off what are for me unhealthy relationships. I have had a text friend since the end of the relationship with JH. It's been nothing more than socialising but the circumstances are not healthy for me. I feel dreadful having not done this sooner but have known it's not OK for me right from the start. Discovering that he was married and yet having sex outside of marriage and contact with other women under cover I should not have continued. But I kept telling myself it's all so innocent, there is nothing more than text flirtations. But I do not agree with this and I am party to something I don't agree with. Making friends with people is one thing but it having to be a secret suggests something else to me. I feel sad as I truly have enjoyed the contact and sharing of ideas and music. But it's not healthy for me. I am not suggesting it's unhealthy for him. Indeed it may be the very thing that keeps him and his wife together. I feel absolutely dreadful that I've put off dealing with this by ignoring recent texts etc from him and today have committed to sending an email. I need to send it before posting this because actually although I don't think he knows about my blog it is not respectful for the world to have access to information before he hears directly from me. You see this is the sort of destruction that I cause and do not want to be involved in any longer. If I meet people I want it to be above board and decent. I can get into a lot of trouble if I do not behave according to my highest morals. I easily slip into the grundge when it seems like more fun. It is sexualising feelings that I'm not even sure I'm fully aware of. Somehow it suggests and anger to me; perhaps with myself or with others.
I feel so relieved that I was honest about this with B and a couple of others.

Please God help me to send the gentlest of words but speak my truth.

Bliss
XX