Ninnyhammer

I really really can be a right ninnyhammer.
It's really evident to me most at work right now. I am very exposed. Just the two of us working there. I work with someone who is very precise and OCD ish in the sense of checking and double checking everything. Mistakes are not permissible. And so I'm much less of an editing type for example. I type out emails and send them and whoosh! All my typos are gone with the wind. And then when they come back it shows up to the perfectionist beside me and I feel the ninnyhammer I am.
I don't things through fully wither. I have so much on my mind other than the bigger picture. yesterday I went to the station with a client because he'd lost his rail ticket. I was pleased to be able to help. We chatted and when after saying cheerio I turned on my heels heading back to the office, hands in pocket to keep my fingers warm, to suddenly realise I don't have the keys to the front door. And with further awakening I realised that PD was now in a 1:1. It was a real count down hanging around outside, getting colder and colder. And as it got close to the opening hour and no sign I thought on nooooo is he having a 1 1.2 hour session. Anyway he emerged, surprised to see me. I found it funny just how ninkampoopish I can be.
I do little things like this all the time. I am exposed. It's the kind of thing I'm scared for people to see. I would be terrified with my dad of him tut tutting tutting at me in judgement and intolerance. He never ever saw the funny side. And my mum? I don't know. I think she would be angry with me for angering my dad.
When I was about 6, 7, 8 and so on I was letting myself in after school. I had jobs to do like turn the oven on and things. I had a backdoor key and with my empty house, I'd go out and play with my friend in the park. A few times I lost the key. My dad would be furious. I mean literally furious calling me an idiot etc. Really berating me, whilst having to saw through the lock. I was a child! Yet I took it on that was a complete idiot. I am only seeing now that it was unreasonable of them to leave me. I think that was when Mrs Skerrett was brought in on the scene. Probably that was the time my mum had been challenged at work needing to take better care of me after work. She was a career lady and put that first. It was all I knew, my norm but really I have always wanted my mum. It's created an Independence but I think there's a strong will there that either genetic or influenced by them and the life I lived.
I am looking back with a reality check that it wasn't that good for me. I am less angry about it today. The anger is truly diminishing for the time being. I hope some day that I won't be triggered so powerfully. At least I've done little damage.
Apart from the void being filled with G. I do not want him to be void fixer, like wood filler.

Bliss
XX

Beyond the war days

I'm so glad my dad called tonight. He is home and is feeling better. T is making a recovery too apparently although her broken arm is mending slowly and will always be a problem from hereon. Poor T. The pair of them have been throughout the wars as my mum would say.
I thanked my dad for calling me and said I was relieved he was home.  He couldn't just take that then saying that he was more relieved than I was. Anyway he called and that acknowledged by V too when I called him back. I had thankfully cut the call short to answer my ringing landline phone. And as I guessed, it was my dad.
I had been speaking with V as he was feeling despondent and wanting to reward himself after a day of training for a Job he's just got. We talked for a while about how to get reward through healthier options other than food. And he laughed when I suggested turning to page 88 of the Big Book and counting down 8 lines and there he would find his line.
Oddly I found it difficult to graphically describe the horrors of where my eating had taken me. It's similar when I try to think about the depths that I sank into with alcohol and drugs. I really have a great denial system.
For the year before I went to visit T, things had been getting worse. I had cancelled at great expense a trip to Peru. My life's ambition. I couldn't go because I was too fat and unfit ad scared that I wouldn't make it at the altitude and the climb. I so wanted to but just couldn't. I was cancelling arrangements and feeling so terrible about myself, my size, my looks. My mood was constantly low. I was lazier than ever really but in self disgust and loathing. I had no clothes and those I did have were to the best of my ability to cover me up. I was having hot sweats, menopause related, but worsened by my waiting and my size. I was often breathless ad couldn't get to the top offices at work without being completely exhausted and speechless by the time I got there.
I couldn't get beyond a few hours without resorting to food. I needed to be off sick every so often to have a rest from trying so hard to be OK with me and for the shame of eating eating eating.I couldn't go to the kitchen area without eating flour products at the shops without buying increasing amounts of sugar products. I was spending a lot of money too.
I just felt awful about myself and frankly wanted to be dead and gone but without the courage to be able to do that. It's difficult to think of that as the same person.
Today I step away from the despondency and the food and the negativity. The food is already stepped away from, one day at a time and through measuring and weighing my food. I abstain from flour and sugar completely. The food I eat is clean ad fresh. My skin and body are very different as the direct result of eating so healthily and non-addictively. I am grateful for that. I can wear all my clothes now and all of them look OK. I have an improved confidence and now can show up for arrangements and become reliable as well as committed. I have a clearer head with room to get to know myself and to deal with situations that once baffled me as they say in the Promises. I don't get it 100 per cent right of course. But that's another thing, the need for perfection is diminishing. I can make mistakes without being frowned upon by myself.
I have a belief that is growing and I show faith by praying on my knees or sometimes just praying where I am in that moment.
Oh I put on 2lbs 2oz. Which was required as I have been continuing to decrease. Despite my initial lack of trust, I know have full trust even knowing her humanness. Thank good for humanity.

I'm so very tired. I have written a little more towards my short story and a little more towards the counselling section of my accreditation. I must send of the membership renewal - just reminded myself. I'll probably forget.
Oh I made a call too to Pete the mechanic. He can do my car this Friday. I have called JB to ask if I can borrow his car. My car is making some funny noises now. I'm worried enough to take action. I hope it's not too late and there is irreparable damage lingering somewhere. Please God ...?
At least I am starting to be more organised about some things. If you could see my flat it's incredibly untidy. It needs a clean too. I don't care though.
I cannot get my study area cleared and ready. I want the course qualifications but without going through the process of learning. Why is that? I'd say because of fear.

I was going two riot about todays development with LK. Things are so much improved. I keep smiling because people make reference to her changes and yet I'm working hard under the water. Everyone sees the flat teas being bashed away at whilst she jets off with some other guy. That must affect him.
Gosh that was written whilst I was falling asleep. I wonder what it was about really? What I was about to write before the dream writer took over my body, was that I am not as calm as I appear ad a lot of effort goes into working things through about my emotions. I do not have those lingering so much then within the group and ensure that I'm doing the best I can do. She takes it as something else. But this time she was jolly.
As there was a flexibility to know that we can all be our different ways and selves and know that the team cannot be split. i.e. any client will not be able to use information from another therapist to affect the therapist being talked about.
It is ridiculous, it's like flipping Kindergarten.

I am hoping to hear from PD sooner rather than later. Poop-di-popp!!!

Right.
Whether one opinion is wrong or not the clients vary from rat to super intelligent. They can get this programme of recovery if only the people will continue going to the meetings. Time permitting.

OK sleepy bye byes for now

Right
Bliss
XX

When China wakes, it will shake the world

I don't normally forward things on anymore as I know I get tired of emptying my "bin" of the endless amount of STUFF that gets sent through and usually with spams attached I don't doubt. However, this made me think how little I think about the cost of things generally and focus on what seems to be a big expense. Interesting.
And it's funny really because in the last year I have really been getting cncerned about our lack of rain. I was even more concerned to learn that China have been allowed to invest in our water companies. I always forget Napoleon's proper quote about leaving China asleep - found it -  Let China sleep. For when China wakes, it will shake the world.
Like the writers have fictionalised in the past water will be the new oil. Whether we are flooded or in drought. I keep praying for rain and rejoice when it comes. I seem to be against the general wishes of others.
Daily musings over .... happy day to you......


The last bit of this "flyer" (having a brain drain moment and can't think of the right word) made me chuckle .....

Bliss
xx

COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!

Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.

Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.

Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.

Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ........ £178..13 per gallon.

Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.

Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at ................. (you won’t believe it .... but it is true .......)
£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
And
If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!