Hunch trusts

Trust in my instincts, that's good for me to keep experiencing. However, it is often when I verbalise things that it starts to become apparent that I have instincts in the first place.
Yesterday I was modelling for Mr B.U. and his peculiar entourage. I can't quite fathom what's going there. They are a bohemian group really. I find it quite compelling being there. But what is uncomfortable is their desire to know more about me. I want to go there and simply be the model. I do not want them to know anything about me. So, how do I now backtrack and keep things from being personal? Well I can continue to be vague despite the questioning. There was one lady there though, J, who I warmed to. She was a teacher of art at one time ad has run youth hostels. I learnt that she has always had an interest in young adults, teenagers. She said that she was never really a great lover of babies or young children. It was really because of her that I revealed things about me and now regret being so open.
Partly it's because it starts to be less professional, less of a job I really mean, because I am far from being a professional model. I want to go there, be anonymous me, despite my naked body, and lave again. I think it's a protection of the real and whole me even though they get to see me entirely. Also the jacuzzi bit is just a little too much familiarity. I won't do that again. Although, I wonder what holds me back. Is it my coyness? After all I imagine the bohemian groups included models and it was all fun and laughter. Somehow it seems muddled for me. Why be so withdrawn and what do I have to withhold? It's me.
I have a concern that some of me will filter into the more reserved class group where I think there are artists but less bohemian. I am making judgements of everyone here. I know little about them. This is to do with me retaining my dignity and muddled values I think. There has been an association for me with escorting (prostitution basically). Turning up and getting my kit off and having sex for money. Here I am, naked in front of a number of people for money, just a lot less. Nonetheless this money is adding to a growing savings fund and I am enjoying having the growing pot. I feel more secure with it. I can feel Singapore becoming a reality. Thank you God for the security.
I think I need some guidance here God about what is the best thing to do in your name. What is the right thing to do? Some people would find this brazen and sinful. I detected that in G, saying I wouldn't do that. She said that she didn't know I did it until I reminded her that it was she who'd told me A does lie modelling too. I started to feel I needed to justify my reasoning. I do enjoy being a model to some degree but do wonder why? I tell myself I enjoy being a part of the art environment. Do I? I think perhaps I will try and take CC's offer up of joining a class. Once my degree is over. I'd like to be trying out more creative things ad I am interested in being able to draw the body.  I do wonder why though.
What is good is that I don't just do things and bury my thoughts and feelings. I have got emotions stirred here. There is an association with past activities. I still wonder how I ever was able to do that but I did love the money. One thing is for sure I've had a colourful life and people seem to lose respect for people who behave in certain ways. Or rather they think because of choices that makes me less worthy. Oooo, judgements. I pray God to have judgement and criticism removed from me. I make all these assumptions and I really don't like. I start to think I know what "type" of person they are because they behave this way or that way at different times. As with PD. I see his past and how how he has this attachment with his entrepreneurial family. Yet I judge him on his losses. I never ever take away his generosity. Time and again PD will give to people, at his own cost. I think he works hard on keeping resentments away. I feel a lot of guilt for my day off per week. However, it was agreed and he didn't rescind on the agreement despite his regular moans. It's his regular moans that tell me he holds that against me. I regularly said why not pay me on a pro-rata basis. I would have been happier with that and indeed would have stayed on a 4 day week if I could have afforded it. I feel comfortable that I will be deducted for the one day per week in my new job. It's a mutual agreement. Thank goodness though I am earning more money to afford the drop. One day will make a hell of a difference during September and October it's 5 days in total off. I'm still reeling about this guilt that I feel and then the guilt turns outwards to attribute blame with PD instead of me being in the wrong. It is what it is and it's already history. I am very grateful though to have had the time because, although, I don;t utilise it fully for studying, I cannot keep going at all with the tiredness I feel and scraping through the course work really. It's been a real drain working full time and attempting to study part time. I am disappointed not to have done better.
I think there's a lot for me to learn in letting go and going with the flow.
Please God, remove the controlling, prejudiced, judgemental parts of me. Show me how to be free flowing and loving of all, and where my boundaries are and how to apply them. I think yesterday was a sure sign that if I am to continue I do not want to be revealing parts of me and remember that I am not there to counsel, I am there to be a life model and that's all. With PD I should have insisted that I am paid for 4 days only. I did not protest too much at all when he said no!

Oh gosh I have a call with Caroline at 10am

Yes, another things just came to mind. I am looking to see if BU is upset at all. I am checking him out all the time as the boss. I want to drop that. If he doesn't like what's happening around him then he can say. I notice though how disrespectful P is of him. She takes him for granted I feel. She is pretty self-centred and doesn't realise it. She says that her ex pointed this out to her as if it is completely wrong. I get the feeling she wants me to confirm that she isn't.

Complicated people.

Bliss
XX

ps. I've received my contract. It says the amount I've negotiated. I still can't quite believe it!

I think I get the best of both worlds - straight and corporate and also the bohemian in my private life. How amazing to be able to have it all. I just need to be able to go with the flow and see what happens.

Budgeting fuss

First of all I'm going to be a fussbudget about fussbudgets. It's so boring listening to people who are needlessly complaining about other people or things. It's an indication of  anger levels in my opinion. And anger that goes denied. More and more anger is less attractive. I used unconsciously be attracted to angry people. It somehow, I think, was a substitute for passion. I used to think my frustrations and anger were indications of my passion about things; wanting to stand forth as the voice for the under fellows for example. And I smile because I needed to make a point about this with a sort of needless fault-finding attitude. But there it is said and acknowledged and now I can let got and love these people just for being who they are.
I was talking with a fellow trekker this morning. She was talking about realising her anger and sadness about being treateted with inequality and being undervalued. It made me think about me in the same situation and when to accept people and injustice and when is it time to not accept and work towards changes. Whether the change be simply leaving the situation as soon as feasibly possible, or working within it for whatever reason. As with LK, it was bullying, mainly directed at me until I left and then someone else. It wasn't personal even though she thought it was and so did I. And now here with PD, his insecurity I can clearly see comes out as control and actually irrational. He blames me when he's asking me to do things he doesn't flow through on himself. That injustice is infuriating. And then when he doesn't follow through I simply carry on disregarding his request thinking well if you're not going to do as you want me to then why should I. I cane remember that as a child too. My dad would make stupid rules and expect me to follow them through when he did the opposite himself.  It's only later I've learnt that this is unjust and that it brings up I. Me anger which manifests as stubbornness and an attitude of indifference even mockery. Well I've stopped the acting out in stubbornness and mockery. But I still do feel angry and then get to jungle-tied in saying how I feel about this. I will try and raise it again in supervision and see if I can get some help in unpicking it.
Also then I can ask for some guidance on him wanting me to drop some of the regular individual sessions I do but what would be wrong I seeing if they want to see me out of hours in my own little practice or would that be stealing the clients. But if I am to drop hem does he want me to refer them on? Seems silly to me but I will find out what he thinks is best for AC and PD. At least with a supervisor present I will find out if I'm being irrational or not.
But it's good to recognise the emotions not that I hadn't but also to have the emotions out into perspective and have words to describe how I feel. When actually this sort of thing has gone on for years without real explanation.
I feel so lucky to have the fellowship to explore this stuff and work things out. There's nothing more frustrating than a sense of powerlessness which comes with injustice.

I also reloaded I. Thinking about why I was feeling irritated by my sponsors comments about meetings linked with me going away for a weekend to stay with my friend. I do not have the funds to get to an FA meeting every week. Once a month I think for me is reasonable. And then I feel guilty about saving up to go away for a weekend and having the money to treat my friend to a meal. Not equally I don't go away every weekend, it's a treat. I make sure I can get though the costs somehow. I don't have bundles and yes did overspend his weekend but can learn from that element. But say Paris, I've been saving for a year and will not feel guilty about it.
I need to have this conversation with her. I feel angry for feeling guilty. And it's on,y what I think I've heard without having the fill conversation.
Once again I'm tahnkful HP for the awareness and thereofe able to drop both the guilt and the anger and face up to responsibility. Open communication without also loading it on to someone else ie blaming them rather than looking at myself and what I have and haven't said.
I was uncomfortable being I. A restaurant that didn't cater for my food needs. It was okay I. The end, I managed but it wasn't quite right and there was an element of people pleasing. I write this. Auctions ly as I would hate anyone then to think oh no it's my fault! It's not it's mine. And I could easily have checked first and then catered for myself around this. Of course I do not expect others to neither understand nor support. It could be tedious for other people to accommodate. That's all possible. But all I need to do is ensure I get my food needs catered for. Anyone who isn't an addict has no need to understand. Anyone who isn't an addict might find it laborious. But for me it's life and death and that' can feel selfish on my part. But at least I raised this question with my sponsor, not that I really got an answer except for having to make sure I out my recovery first. I wouldn't choose to drink alcohol just because someone else wants to so I need to ensure I check things out before just accepting places and informing of my needs too. People are not expected to know the importance to me. That's my job.

I couple of weekends ago I had the loveliest of weekends. Spending time with a really lovely friend. And it keeps in perspective the value of online encounters when so many people knock it. Social media has plenty of positives and yet I also have delved into my own negatives around this as well. Despite that every experience is experience and can be learnt from. I have experiences some others may never have so can relate with knowledge when talking with on liners struggling in some way. I know myself. But I can see with balance and positivity that there's food too. There's positives in everything in some way or other.
Staying with CD and MD was lovely. Easy going and just enjoyable time. Lyme Regis, Honiton and meeting up with SS too. All lovely, lovely. Brilliant sunshine aswell. I think and hope I have a friend for life in CD. Through years of various social media CD probably knows more all round about me than anyone else in the world. How strange that is really. How fortunate I feel.
Overall I had a lovely and enlightening and loving weekend.

Bliss
XX

The Fixer

That's me, the fixer. Sometimes at least.
Where do I begin so that I record this.


Before I do, I want to write about my dream. I think it was the last dream before I woke up this morning. And I woke around 4am.
The order of the dream is now somewhat muddled, well the early stages of the dream. There was point when I was with my mum who was very ill and dying. She looked much younger than her age at her death in reality. She knew she was very ill and so did we all, my dad and I. For some reason I went off with my dad. I can't describe easily where we were. In my dream it was unfamiliar too. It was a sort of marshy wood and there was a wooden cabin that we were going towards. I would describe it now as a sort of Tardis. As we approached it I felt anticipation and anxiety but it was inevitable I was going in. I felt terror throughout the dream. I was terrified of my dad. I was being nice because I was trying to outsmart him, which I knew in my heart of hearts was impossible. However, I was people-pleasing. He was smarmy. There was another man there too. I was also wary of him. I know this was a dangerous environment but my dad was stopping from getting to mum and I had to play along if I was ever going to see her again. And yet I knew I was never going to get to see her again because of my dad. And then he was getting closer and closer. Little tormenting gestures, innuendos were increasing and his look was repulsing me. Inappropriate touches here and there. I woke out of the dream when we were still in the cabin and I was trying to persuade him and then becoming more insistent on getting to see mum. I kept asking when will we leave. He kept finding little tasks to do in the cabin. and we were in a more confined space when I woke up and immediately had to get up. I went back to bed and fell asleep. On waking up the next time I had initially forgotten he dream and then it slowly started creeping back. More and more detail.
I wanted to vomit and wanted to tear my skin off. And then I just didn't want to leave my flat. I have of course. I knew I had. to.


I needed to record that for myself. Why? Because I do forget that things were real and not okay. I tend to think I've exaggerated things and even think I've made them up at times. The very physicality of the wakeful state is a reminder that things were never really okay.


Moving on and The Fixer.
How often I say that something isn't right for me and feel terrible that someone is affected. Of course people are affected people all the time but it's not my responsibility. Yet I take on a sense of deep guilt and shame. And then I need to fix them and/or fix me.


The feeling of guilt was so intense I just couldn't sit still. I wanted to distract myself because studying required focus and all I could do was continuously wander in my thoughts. Thank goodness I was aware of this and distracted for a while, nothing unhealthy, just tittle tattle nonsense her and there. Eventually I was able to bring my attention into my books and very interesting it was. Then a lovely walk in the afternoon sunshine BUT wit some background noise thoughts, constantly whirring over and over. I went to a meeting and that arrested the whirring for a while. And then sleep but the next morning was ablast with damnation and hell.
As Shakespeare said in his play Macbeth " a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."t is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."


I had left this post alone and so won't continue it now. I've lost my thread. But post it for record sake.
I need my HP to iiude me from this fixer role in all it's guises. Glad to be shown, as it gives me the opportunity to change.
I get irritated by fixers too

Bliss
XX

Grey Areas

I have a grey area and the Universe suggests avoiding them. This grey area concerns abstinence and what constitutes abstinence. This relates to my work and also within my recovery programme.
Let's start with the latter. A person has been contacting me who is on a food plan and has been maintaining her weight for some years now. Great! She wants a sponsor and in my humble opinion is a real people pleaser and therefore flatters to get what she wants. She is also a very delightful person. Right now she is going through some major decision making times that are upsetting and she is full of fear. I'd really love to sponsor her but I have a few issues. One is the people-pleasing. Ironic being a chronic people-pleaser myself but also can swing the other way and be quite to the point rather than gentle and nurturing. I can be in the middle too. Someone, a friend of mine said a while ago that in be boundaried she was now finding me quite direct. I'm sure I can be but it's difficult for me to distinguish when it's someone else's issue with the boundary (using the term broadly) being set and them not liking it or whether it is my manner in delivery the boundary. I can't even recall what it was that I'd said or done so useless information really. However, it is there on my mind. And maybe I will enquire but I don't always appreciate the way this person perceives things and people and situations.
Just yesterday in fact, my friend showed her concern because I was sad and crying. I didn't need anyone to say I had a lot o. It sounded condescending in some way. And more about needing to say something to show her concern. I appreciated her concern, don't get me wrong. But all she needed to do was to show up and listen just as she did. I was able to put that frustration aside though, despite being sad and appreciate her concern for what it was.
Anyway, that's an aside.
Yes this person is using sleeping pills. Mainly herbal now she tells me but last night popped half an over-the-counter pill because so much is going around her head she couldn't sleep. Now that's okay in my book if she wants to pop pills but in this programme of recovery I am a bit torn between wanting to be "clean" of all substances and behaviours learn to deal with life on it's terms. She is very resistant to this idea and thinks it's not the right time to be coming of pills. I am not sure I can sponsor her on this basis but also confused by myself. After all, I am a great advocate of my sponsor working with the things I am willing to give up and being ONLY a food sponsor. Hmm. A change of mind perhaps? I think also is the attitude of this person. She thinks that with everything that's going on now is not the time to want to have a balanced prescription. It's an excuse in my book to continue to use but she feels it is completely justified. My suggestion is to have a prescribed pill programme and stick rigidly to it so that it's not a total escape from feelings. As in last night, tossing and turning not being able to sleep and so at will taking an extra pill. As I reiterated to her, I am not saying come off pills just like that, I'm suggesting sticking to a prescribed pill usage or if sticking with herbal pills then to stick absolutely with that. I mean what's she doing with medication in the house anyway if she doesn't use them anymore. So there was a lot of confusing messages. Saying she hasn't taken medication for a long time after being on them for over 30 years. But then when I said I was confused because she said she was using pills over this last year in a previous conversation ... then she said she agreed about honesty yet had admitted that she wasn't telling her last sponsor the truth and so on.
But then there is this conflict of wanting to be able to work with people just where they are. Can I really do this? IS there a conflict with FA? I mean what do people in FA think about ad hoc use of sleeping pills? I might call M in Florida this afternoon and see what she thinks.
In my work I am at ease working with people who want to try out controlled measures with substances, behaviours etc. Things that they are doing addictively when it's a behaviour as with food requires a plan, something that is agreed as abstinence ad then stick to it. I am at ease working with this but I think always with the thought that abstinence is the best way. And there is a bit of me that thinks eventually they will have to conceded to this. So it's not a totally free idea I work with. I have to be honest about this in supervision as it will be influencing how I work with people.
So here then is the conflict for me. I am in FA and committed to my food plan. Funnily enough it raises for me the question of whether it would be possible to have a plan around drinking. Why I would want to even try I don't know. But it's then similar with thinking well perhaps I could manage some chocolate etc. There are substances that I do believe I am actually triggered to use more with. Alcohol, cocaine, sugar, flour. But then what about addictive behaviours such as relationships and social media etc. I need a plan of abstinence around these too. Now just because I need this doesn't mean to say others do. But with C she has a long history of medication addiction, sleepers of all sorts. And here she is toying with other sorts and thinking it's okay. Actually that is not abstinent thinking to me. So, maybe that's the conversation I need to have with her. And then she gets very defensive and flustered. And then perhaps it's just not possible to sponsor her. She wants someone to talk through all her issues with. She hasn't been making call to other FA people. I feel she wants someone to make decisions for her and is very needy in some ways but very self-willed actually. She is taking advice fro her solicitor but not trusting it. I would say I recognise this person. Stability is what she needs and I don't feel it's possible in 15 minutes on a call. That is not sponsoring she wants.
So there we have it. I think I do actually know the answer. I am unsure that's what she wants but if she doesn't want to work the programme as laid out for me then I don;t want to sponsor her. I would happily be her therapist but that would cost her and I am not in fellowship to promote myself as a therapist. I will definitely keep that ethical boundary for myself as tempting as it would be to offer my services.
Hey ho! It helps to write.
Bliss
XX

Jealousy and insecurity

I have a strong feeling that PD is acting childishly and spitefully in his insecurity. Now, in general, I find PD to be a generous and kind man with people. He has been generous with me and supportive too. So, it is with this background knowledge through experience that I then doubt what I think I am experiencing now. What am I experiencing now? Well in recent weeks he has blamed me for his insecurity, this is in our field of work. And he has told me to slow down. This is a ridiculous thing to ask of me from my point of view. I am studying and practicing to improve and here is someone telling me not to develop myself because it affects them. It went around and around last time we had clinical supervision and thankfully it was witnessed so that I realised I was not mad. There was no situation for PD other than me not to be me. That cannot happen anymore. And then his other solutions were not possible by his own admission leaving us in a nowhere to go hole!
And now he's taken lectures and workshops off the schedule. He was previously saying that he is feeling left behind on these too. I was so excited about having created them on topics he'd already created his own. I am not a leader of design, I can simply take an idea and make it work for me, adjust it to my way of presenting things. And then in his insecurity he lashes out and punishes by removing it from the curriculum.
Yet he says publicly that I'm the boss and what I say goes. It is so the opposite. Only when he asks does he even take the slightest bit of notice. It's better than it used to be because he does ask. We do things differently, so I try not to be hyper0critical because it's not the way I do things. Instead I try to see the point he is making and whether it does the job according to him. It's not easy though.
I compare myself though and come out as believing I am more self-aware than PD and this always, always precedes a mighty fall! Of the sort than can devastate me. My confidence gets knocked. So, I am attempting to not compare with him and instead be pleased with my increasing self-awareness. Keep the focus on me and what I am or am not doing. I can be super critical of self or super egotistical. The flip side of the same coin.
My part has involved thinking better of myself than PD and feeling critical, which I'm pretty certain he will have picked up on even if it's not clearly evident. I can sense that criticism in others even when it's said with a smile. We are intuitive people, all of us. And listing to those intuitions is important but just as important is what we do with them. I know in my addiction the intuition within me got all muddled up. But now and with time it is becoming more of a guidance. Not that "I KNOW", but there are little signs that I pick up on and need to take heed of and explore.
Mt fear is what holds me back from exploring my intuition. I know that something is going on with PD now. He is trying to tell me something but I'm not sure what it is. I hear his insecurity and he seems to be attempting to say something but not directly. He seems to be less blaming on the outside but looking for absolutes to explain his behaviour and attitude.
Another thing I have noticed increasingly, is that I react badly to someone telling me how I feel. There is one person, S, in FA who often says you sound angry. I think there is some projection or something going on there. But also I wonder what it is about me that leads her to make this assumption? Yesterday PD said I looked perky. It feels manipulative, as if that's how he wants me to be feeling so if he says it I will be. He couldn't have been further from the truth either. I had been really anti being at work yesterday, feeling tired and really not wanting to engage with him much, drained by what feels like pure stress and heightened control. That's my judgment of things  and all I can do is assess how I am rather than pointing fingers at him. So within the situation I noticed I ma less tolerant and really quite critical. I am exhausted and just didn't want to have to deal with it all. This suggests to me I am trying to hard, maybe not setting boundaries and to be honest I am unsure as to what the boundaries are that I need to set.
I became conscious that I often felt manipulated by my dad. He would say and do things in a similar way, telling me how I need to think or what I should say, but not with needs and should, rather telling me that was what I was thinking or about to say. It would cause a reaction then too. I would get infuriated and actually I would explode in one way or another. I would either explode at him trying to break free from what felt like shackles that he put me in. Or I'd break free out of view. I have a strong image of leaving the house, mum and dad's house, driving to the chemist, buying a supply of laxatives and a bottle of diet coke, taking them in the car and then zooming off to London to party in someway with some man or other. Of course, I'd have lied to them saying I needed to get off home now, pleading with good sense, i.e. weather or traffic or an early night before work, when in fact usually my dad would be despairing because I rarely did the sensible thing. They surely would have known too that they were being conned!!
Now with PD I need to discover a way of handling these assumptions he makes without being obstreperous and immediately fighting with the absolute opposite. It doesn't feel good as I become extreme and if he's putting the positive slant then I put the absolute darkest negative, which I hasten t add is an exaggerated version to make my point and regain power of myself. I would like to say something like "oh really, what makes you think that?" But what I really want to get to is what it is he's trying to manipulate and why. How can I find out God what's really going on?
Maybe I can say simply that - you seem to be telling me how you think I am.... nah! Sounds too much like a therapist talking. I need some guidance please God.
I am rather drained and worn down by the interactions. Most of the time now I am aware of his high stress levels and tolerate as a practice. I keep my mouth closed often because to be honest there isn't much to say and anything I could say might be antagonistic in the moment.
I do feel that PD is much more directive with people yet he doesn't think he is. He says he is reflective. It's as if he's changed the meaning of that word to suit what he does rather than change what he does. And it's all well and good observing him in this way but who's observing me without criticism. LK just saw me as a bad practioner and no doubt used my leaving as a great way to tarnish my name amongst those who would listen. And here she is on unexpected annual leave. Due back from a holiday I wonder what will happen next. I wonder if we will know.
I do not think I am all good but I am also no longer dwelling in feeling all bad or high ego. I am open to valued criticism but thgere are some folk who's opinion I value more than others because they see tings without judgment. This is useful lessons

Considered verdict

I was late in court to represent Lisa. I arrived just in the final throws whereby she received the verdict of guilty and to be thrown out or deported or something. AB was saying isn't there something you can do. To be honest Lisa was oblivious. I was so cross with myself, disappointed to the point of utter despondency and in writing this I'm realising that I do have an attitude of finality once an authority has made a decision or perhaps it's laziness or something else I'm not quite sure of. I just gave in to the verdict without a fight. Perhaps guided by my feeling of guilt and remorse for not being there at the right time. I do remember seeing the look of glee on the faces of the prosecuting team. And sad that they had gone hell for leather to get a girl who is so young and vulnerable. I of course was seeing Lisa aged 17 as she was when we were all in the Priory. Gosh she was so ill as well as so young. Completely vulnerable.
Anyway the next thing AB was talking with the judge across the pews of the court. And then the judge called over to me asking if this is true? I was given the chance to explain Lisa's circumstances, her bi-polar and so on. Suddenly the ruling was over turned and Lisa was declared innocent. I think the prosecuting team (is that an American term) had left. I was given a cardboard front of shirt thingamajig. I don't know if they have a name. You know similar to the cardboard fronts of a dress shirt men wear for formal functions. What is it called? Aha thank goodness for Wikipedia - a dickie - a sort of cardboard shirt bib. It was also known as a shirt bosom. All these things are going out of fashion for men as formal dress is worn less and less. Anyway I was given a large one of these in a sort of coral pink colour. I was also given a black skirt. Apparently the practise is more ceremonial when winning the case (according the knowledge I suddenly had in my dream - it's funny how there is a sort of internal running commentary in my dreams to explain the odd things that happen and make sense of the banal). Anyway this was all sort of handed over in a bundle, which I received with hands full of papers and carrying a briefcase, so it was all a bit of a muddle. And around me people were celebrating my win but I was thinking it wasn't me, it was AB persevering with her idea to challenge even though it was already decided and over. I have felt this recently with ideas she's had. I'm not necessarily the ideas person but can pick up on them and make them work when it's for someone else but for myself I am full of fear. And I feel inferior because I'm not the ideas person. I am a follower and sheeple as someone on FB would say.
I feel inadequate not being a creator and merely a follower.
So everyone was celebrating but Lisa remained oblivious.

I can recall in a following dream trying not to forget the court room dream but in the process I've forgotten the following dream.

I've been feeling a bit fuzzy-brained since I think Saturday evening. I was sitting in the meeting listening to V doing her chair. G was there which threw me slightly. I was aware of thinking he'd be criticising me in some way for my lace gloves and what I shared. And I imagine his criticism of me being secretary as well was rife. Anyway all of that took over perhaps. I felt sad that we had had a something and now it's quite bitter from him. I was cheerful to see him and friendly. He was dour and the way he is with people he doesn't trust and like. Well it's his issue really. That's how he is. Then on Sunday evening I received some texts from him. Mainly moaning about someone sharing and then glad to have the opportunity to have a go on the following evening when doing a chair at another meeting.
I found it funny that V shared about being in a relationship and there was abusive discourse from the ex. I found G's behaviour abusive and I expect he found my behaviour abusive. I didn't ever set out to be abusive of offensive but I'm pretty sure at times I could be because we tap into each others hurt and issues. I want to be beyond that somehow and with someone who is beyond that. I wonder if it's possible.
I feel sad today that my mum is not alive. A person on FB was saying how they are going to Australia with their mum. The person is the same age as me. And she believes that due to her mums ailments wouldn't make this journey again. I am sad that I haven't got my ageing mum with me. It was sad last evening with the Kaleidoscope magazine with AB and GB remembering how my mum would select clothes for me that were not always what I'd select for myself. She knew what might look good on me. She'd buy tings for me too. I have none of that now. I took it for granted then. And I'd manipulate too. All went when she died. So many things I only appreciate when they no longer exist. My dad. And the sorrow I feel for not being able to let him into my life in any shape or form. Holding onto deep resentment and now he's gone.
LouLou is sneezing. she is getting older and I have so taken her for granted too. She no longer likes to sleep with me and doesn't cuddle up with me on the settee anymore.
I have such a good friendship with AB. I don't know if I show it. I am there practically everyday. But do I show my appreciation in any way. I will tell her today how much I value her friendship and I will tell GB how much I admire her and value how she includes me. That brings on a real feeling of sadness. I do feel lonely at times.
I can't be bothered to get going today. I have had this feeling of nothingless and I have been fighting it. Trying to work out how I feel. Wondering why I don't know. Wondering if it's hormones related. Trying to work it out and then with the answer I'll have control of it. Instead I simply need to accept it and give in to it and let it be. I trust it will pass as it has before but even if it doesn't, it will all be okay. I worry I suppose that I operate so much on an emotions level with people that without it I won't be able to do my job well.
It's a funny feeling. Just can't put my finger on something that seems to be there underlying everything. It will become clear if it's meant to.
Regret I think is there. Regrets about the past and the way I've been and still can be. Regrets that I have no children. That came to the fore earlier this morning when I was reading the 24 Hours a Day book. It focused on the impact of alcoholism on the children. The impact has been that I've terminated them as soon as they've got to conception. How dreadful. How sad that I will never know those little soles as human beings. I am so so sorry to those little souls. Ad yes sorry that there was a them not even just a one. I've had a whole big family but not much beyond conception. One was months rather than just weeks. It was that I was too scared on that occasion to go with the draw to have the baby. Scared to tell my parents I was pregnant yet they would have been horrified about a termination. God help me with these thoughts.
I've rarely spoken about these things. This morning when I was reading about the impact of alcoholism I hadn't even thought of the decision I had made as an impact on the souls. All I ever think about is the impact on me - poor, poor me!

I suppose I need to get up. I don't want to. It's my last study day or rather free day off this year. I don;t want to work 5 days a week. I want to work 4 days per week. I wonder if I'd be able to manage on the pay.
God I would like to guidance please about how to go forward and if I should go forward with my own little business. I have some ideas of my own that PD will not allow me to do at Addiction Care. I would like to talk to him about some evening work at a shared cost. These are referrals directly to me. He asked me if I'd see them privately or through AC. I need to sit down and discuss things with him. Thursday is busy with 1:1's for me.
But I have some ideas I'd like to follow through. Some private 1:1's in the evenings a women's closed group, a writing group with a view to putting a book together of experiences and to publish it.
I would like to start some training courses for counsellors too. But I need premises. God is this the way forward? If so how do I do it?
I have visions of the little therapeutic writing group on a Sunday morning in a quaint tea shop private room. Something cosy and friendly. Not in the "work" environment.

I need to get up. I will call AB and see if she'd like a walk this morning. Then I can come home for the rest of the day and speak with TH later on and a meeting with CT this evening. An AA adventure as we have called them.

I need a wee too. I can feel a little lighter I think. Oh I wonder if this is not my nothinglessness and a clients stuckness I am experiencing. And I think the stuckness maybe A's when I would have more likely thought M's. Hmmm now that's interesting. It could be stuckness not nothinglessness.
God please show me the way. Thank you.
Oh I wonder if it's if I feel a bit attracted to A and it's my stuckness then with that. I need to bring that out in supervision I think. Ew yuch - exposure.

Bliss
XX
 

Secret of the Sugar Man

I’m finding it tricky because I am having a period of grandiosity. By this I mean I am better than my colleague at our job. I am judging our differences as him being not as good as me. I keep acknowledging that his clients love him. After all he can appear as if he is giving, giving, giving. But I find him controlling and thinks he knows how someone is thinking and feeling. We makes guesses on what’s going on for a person when we discuss them but PD doesn’t go about finding out, he assumes what he thinks is correct and then tells people what they need to do. He thinks he is being reflective. Furthermore, he thinks that people just need to sort put the issues and these are the reasons why people drink or drug or whatever addiction they present with. PD does not focus at all on powerlessness. I make this guess that it’s because he doesn’t understand it himself and thinks that if he could sort out his problems he wouldn’t be eating like he is. It will look that way too because when things were looking up PD really was controlling his food again. He says it’s his version of recovery and he couldn’t do what I’m doing. In fact I’ll go so far as to say he can often sound debasing about the way I eat. Yet he will ask me about it and then say that’s pretty much what I’m doing. He says he couldn’t live with the strictness of it because he likes to eat out. Typical PD, it’s all got to be in his control. I find him really controlling. I’m not slating him because of the food. I thought the same to be honest. When people have mentioned in the past weighed and measured food, I’ve balked at it and them. I’ve thought of them as not being in recovery and that it is merely control. Gosh! How differently I think about this now. Now I see this weighed and measured food as abstinence and the very cleanliness of my food ad freshness is all a part of the freedom rather than the opposite I once thought. So I understand him. I had a lot more investigation to do within my so-called freedom to do what I wanted with my food and get it under control. As A in Scotland said, I’ve had all the exploration to try and find a different way but none of them worked. Now I wonder if I had the support would it have worked if everyone was doing the same. A little like ML, attending “Fat Club”, the can eat what they like within a boundary and then there is the gathering of them. I don’t know if they are then encouraged to contact each other or not but they are all on a common cause so it could work. I don’t believe though that for me I could control the intake of sugar and flour and quantity. If I have those foods I truly believe that I cannot stop one I start. There were times when it would build up slowly but it always ended in one place, especially towards the end. If I made a rule of puddings only when eating out I became preoccupied with the idea of eating out. I’d feel a frenzy about choice because I wanted it all. And gradually there would be extra puddings at home. When I worked at the P, the food was so unhealthy; I’d look forward to the stodgy lunches with chips and things and then a pudding every day. I couldn’t help myself even when I was trying to but mainly I had given up trying by that time. I felt a helpless case. Yet still I turned my nose up at the regime when TH told me she had been directed to this fellowship called FA. I couldn’t imagine being so narrow-minded about my food. It irritates me now when I can hear that’s how people are thinking. It’s as if they are criticising me. I was making judgments about the person, that they are extremely controlled and how can that be recovery? Quite damning and so I suspect I am thinking that’s how people are thinking about me and I don’t like it. With AB I often feel she is mocking me. I try to put it aside but deep inside it hurts. There are those that don’t make judgments and barely notice. That’s so nice.

The big point here is not about whether or not my food is the right way or not. For me it has been. For so many reasons, which I won’t go into right now because it’s a digression from what I want to say. See how I’m meandering around the subject. What troubles me is this. I spend so much time thinking about what this person or that person is thinking or judging or doing. I am comparing them or me as an almost way of being. I don’t like this about myself. I want to be accepting of people how they are without making critical judgments. Perhaps to be inquisitive yes. But to be damning them in my thoughts all the time, I find ugly. I think negatively of a lot of people. And I am always comparing myself favourably or unfavourably which is not good for my psyche. This will also manifest itself in some ways. Unconsciously this will show in my behaviour or attitude. At work PD said that I seemed detached. I felt judgmental but I don’t say anything. Why don’t I say anything? Because I have nothing positive to say and don’t want to hone in on the negative all the time. But this leaves me just feeling as if things are wrong.

An example? Well PD has designed a New Year’s card to send out to clients and our mailing list.

 

It has humour but to be honest I think it’s not really funny, it’s more in poor taste. I think it would be funnier to do something taking the mickey out of him and I. This is more a laugh at the alcoholic. Now we are alcoholics but the clients don’t look at us in that way. I don’t think I put this message across actually. I said that I thought it would be funnier to mock therapy in some way but didn’t have a real formulation in my mind in the way I’ve just expressed there.

The problem is it’s PD’s business. I don’t agree with a lot of his approaches and there are lots of things I do agree with. His expectation of business seems to me to be naïve. And of course I realise how little he actually knows about anything outside of the P. I don’t know much but have a little broader experience because I’ve worked in other places. I knew for example that the referrals from the NHS sectors was never going to happen on a weekly basis. But he naively thought it would be like that. Also he hadn’t considered the type of people who are generally being treated by the NHS, The are the less fortunate in many ways and suffered because of a lower standard of education and also a different attitude to life. He thinks the environment at Provi for example s great. He doesn’t see the majority of people not really wanting to be there. PD really needs to go and spend some time in groups there and live amongst them. He says he only eve has known success of the people he has sent there. Talk to the people that have been there and there is a very low success rate. How can I argue with him as he sees success. I wonder who he means. I can think of T who relapsed, J. I have not idea what happed to M but he had referred himself, however I think we put him in touch in the first place. R is a success and D is a semi success but I would find it difficult to find anything positive about. Another person I’ve condemned verbally. Eventually my intent to stay only with positive comments about G turned to criticisms and blame, I’ve done it about ML and ET and I’ve thought it about AM and SW and AB and GB and KM and just about everyone I know. I think negatively about some people in FA, most people to be honest. All the time I am criticising. ON and on as they are talking and being. I find

Recently someone new to me said "what you see is what you get". I find this interesting. It's true of everyone but there is an element of that that says and that's that! By that I mean there's no room for manoeuvre and therefore if something doesn;t gel don;t bother talking about it because this is me and there's no negotiation. It's a fait a complis. Like it or leave it. Now there is blane in this iof course. Being oneself is critiucal but being able to negoituate the gap between two people is how compromise is met and thereofre connectedness. Surely? It means this is it and so don;t bother to say what does or doesn't please or displease you. It's fixed and you know it so if you want to stay connected it's all on my terms. I find this quite a barrier to compromise and connectedness. Howevver, it says what it says on the paket and if I don't like it cheerio and move on. I also think it takes all sorts and tehrefore there is nothing to criticise. Accept and move on or accept and stay on.
So how to jjst acept everyone I know as they are and be able to say how I react and respond witout being critical and expecting change or not say anything and just let people be as they are. This is the lesson for me.
Can I stay working for someone who I don;t agree with at the leel of their philosophy, their very core belief and therefore dictates their approach? But then if I work for anyone would be we ever completely be in accorance with one another (I always think that should be one and other).

well it's ( am and I decided I would start cleangin and tidying in preparation for ML's arrival. Someone I am crtical of. SWe are off to an exhib ion in Eastbourne. It'll take a couple of hurs to get there. We are leaving after lunch so whether we get there at all will be interesting. And then going for a mooonlit walk from the Seven Sisters national park car park. Something I said to G to be there come what may. It would be amazing if he actually did turn up but I very much doubt it. If he did I might just love him forever. I decided upon this over a year ago. And I invited him to meet me there come what may between us. He is too angry a man I suspect to even consider it but having made the appoitment I shall go come way may but I'll have ML with me. It would ruin the moment with her being there if he should turn up. I doubt he even made a note of it.
I did. And I remember - old romantic that I am.

Bliss
xx

 

 

Unkind People

 I think this morning I have got some clarity. It's been a long time coming. And it's required me to really hang on.  Thank you God for the strength to hang on in there and the clarity that's being given.
Suddenly things lifted when I realised I need to make amends to G. I can so easily sit in judgement and then be blind to me. I want to make amends for acting in the emotion when I asked him to leave. I am very touchy, sensitive and when he said "and there are grey areas around your dad too" I flipped.
And no doubt he will sense my uncertainty about our relationship. I am uncertain. I am not sure if I want to be with someone who appears to have so many issues. It's my opinion. And I see that it's possible that my issues will pick up on his issues and the result is obliteration.
I appreciate how he stood by me during the most difficult of times recently. And how I'm wanting him to continue to be sensitive to my sensitivity. It can be so destroying and I never ever mean to be unkind and hurtful. Sometimes I don't even know I have been and only blame. Then it's even harder because I want G to change and it's all about me me me getting what I want and need. I am thoughtless at times. Other time I think I'm overly considerate. Either way it ends up me being intense and thinking it's all about me.
I do oscillate about this relationship. I want all that's good and falter with things when they are difficult. I am not always sure I find G attractive and yet other times I just see him and feel utter attraction. I would prefer to be with someone who is working and earning reasonable money. I know I have an odd relationship with money. I despise it and want for equality but in this unequal society I want and I feel jealous of those who have. So I think that contributes. I wonder if I'd have the courage to say that to G. It's not a judgement of him but I don't think it would be helpful. It's the truth though and there must be a way of saying it gently and with love. What else? I do find myself getting drawn into mood shifts. I have them too - this period has been a fine example of it. I'm less tactile, far more sensitive, I'm much more irritable and discontented abut everything. I know this disperses into every other area. I just can't see it completely. I'm unaware how others get affected. Some are more in the firing line or more sensitive to me as well. I am sorry for that. I continue to work at it. The more distant people are the less they are likely to be impacted upon. G has been up close and personal and so I appreciate he will have taken the brunt.
It doesn't detract from the fact that there are things about him I'm unsure about. I don't like his judgement of others when it's so negative, his instant dislike of people, his lack of sociability. I don't like his deceitfulness, I end up distrusting. If he can lie to them he can lie to me very easily too. And he has said he only tells me what I need to know. I guess I do the same but mainly because he react so badly, distrusts and punishes me in little ways. He can be spiteful. I understand where it all comes from in a lot of ways but that doesn't mean it's alright to be on the receiving end of all the time. And it seems that he doesn't want to alter that in any way. He wants to find peace and contentment by himself - away from people. That saddens me. I'd like to find peace and contentment with him. Maybe it's either accepting him just the way he is and this is when I start battling and thinking I'm in the wrong. How long can I keep going trying to accept before we destroy each other entirely and there's no room for friendship. It ended early enough with JB for there to be friendship which I think will be everlasting.

And then there's this ...... I missed not being able to text someone and say exactly what I saw and felt joy. I love being able to do that with G or anyone actually but especially with someone who is responsive and feels the same way often. But there are also times when I just want contact because it's better than not ... that's not good friendship.
So when I saw this this morning it really resonated. And I wouldn't want G or anyone doing that to me. Of course there's an element of wanting people so keeping in contact but that can be too much over the top and then it's unhealthy.



It would be nice if there were people who were reading this Blog and would comment with their thoughts experiences and opinions. It would make it more dynamic somehow. However, I don't want people I know closely to be reading it as often it's about them and very personal and unthought through. When I get to seeing me is when it's okay. When I'm blaming it's not okay. If you know what I mean. The blaming is not the real me it's the angry hurt me.


Bliss
XX

Justice needs more than judgement and time

Without music, man is little more than a stone - Martin Luther 15th century monk. And I write that having started to watch the documentary about Bach's life on BBC. I fell asleep. Bach was influenced by Luther it seems but I was actually nodding off by that time. So I will revisit it when I've finished writing. Anything other than start studying. I love Bach's music; vibrant and sometimes enchanting. How could he hear what it would sound like with a choir or an orchestra? Do today's musicians hear how it will sound with the other instruments. When listening to David Bowie's band talk about sitting together and bringing their instruments into the piece, I started thinking that it's not really then David Bowie's idea in fullness, they all are part of the creation from nearly the initial idea. But ... perhaps that's just how it has to be. I will ask Liz today about her music writing process. I do love Toccata and Fugue, especially the building up getting higher and higher ad then reaching the pinnacle. At that point I want to go or stay there. But we have to come down.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho9rZjlsyYY

I had a lovely day yesterday. I have an underlying melancholy but can enjoy myself nonetheless.
I was enjoying texts with G. But then when he called he was in a grumpy mood I could tell. My immediate reaction was to pull back, fed up with the change in him when I had been so looking forward to speaking with him. He didn't really want to talk. I am suspecting he was angry because of the photos I sent of him with me messing around with bunny ears on. Who knows as he won't talk about what had made him angry. And in truth it's probably best as it's his issue if it's about me.
Anyway I think fuck off ad start to pull back. But not being in the same place it's so much easier to have some time. And wrote too. So what would you do?
My immediate reaction is to say why can't you just be even tempered and not get angry over the most ridiculous things. I wondered all sorts of things. So firstly I need to stop. It doesn't matter what he's angry about this time unless he tells me. Should I ask or not? I don't really know the answer to that question.
Anyhow it's clear I just let him be with this. He said he didn't really want to talk so that was easy too as we weren't together. I was hurt and disappointed and then fed up with it. Do I tell him that? I don't know. I guess perhaps if there's an opportunity to talk when he's not angry then I could mention it to him. It could be a number of reasons - it could be Di, it could be me, it could be his health, it could be blah blah blah. Who knows? The thing is it's not me who's made him angry it is the way he does or doesn't deal with life as it hits him.
Now me in this. It's interesting how I want to withdraw. It is tiresome for me when he is up and down in mood. One minute nice and the next it feels as if he's throwing me away. That was how it felt with my dad too. But he would gradually reel me in and then appear to toss me back out to sea. It never felt safe with my dad. Why should it? Is it anyone else's job to be consistent for me. That's when I take it personally and expect them to be how I want them to be.
So G is this way. I want him to be considerate of me but why should he be. I can be considerate of him much easier from afar and with some time. So there it is. If we have too much time together I'm not able to deal well with his changeable moods and seemingly ease with which he can be angered. I get tired and agitated by him. So today I am thinking don't bloody bother calling him.
I notice how I try and work out what it is he's angry about because then I can try and correct it. I want to be a good girl instead of just being me. I have done nothing wrong. We weren't together so I arranged things to do and accepted invites to see my friends. I didn't want to be spending time alone over these four days. I need people at the moment and to feel included. I need to feel loved. And yet I also have the choice of being at home by myself too. It's a luxury.
I wasn't able to tell G exactly at what time I would be free after seeing L today. I think I would feel a little insecure about that. I think what I will do is say that I will leave there by 5 - that's a good time for lunch and a walk and then perhaps G and I can meet for a walk too. I will take LouLou's food and water. Yes I would much prefer a bit of certainty and a sense that G wanted to see me. I think I was perhaps too nonchalant. And yesterday I didn't want him involved with the Barber's really. I did at first thinking it would be nice that he joins in. I'd like him to be a part of my family but he's so unsociable and can be rude if he doesn't like people. I don;t want to risk that rudeness as it does without doubt reflect upon me whether he likes it or not. But being impulsive and thinking happy family type thoughts I then realised I didn't want him too late after accepting his suggestion.
Now if I was able to find a nicer way of saying it I could have said something to the effect that it was a lovely idea but I would be concerned that he would be irritated by someone and then be rude. How on earth could I say that any easier. He takes a dislike so easily without really knowing a person fully. One little thing will make him curt. And I don't like that. My dad was like that but with everyone really. I just feel on edge and have done all my life with my dad. Will he be nice or will he be rude. The not knowing is so unpleasant and the experience of discomfort is even worse. Why? It's his issue. But it's not nice seeing other people confused and offended. There is just then an atmosphere and then people wouldn't want to see me and then it's just complicated and awkward to make arrangements. These are the things that make me wonder whether I want to be with him or not.
Now I say I love him but I don't like this about him. Is this reason enough to to be with the man I say I love? I don't know. Is his grumpy way of dealing with it reason enough to leave? I don't know. Is the way he retaliates with similar treatment rather than talk about enough to leave? I don't know. But the way he does that is quite enlightening for me. He doesn't always get it right though. He gets nasty and vicious with it too.
Last week when throwing everything back at me because he felt tings were being thrown back at him were all based on his own dislikes of what I was deciding to do. But he;s backtracked on that too. There is some issue about sexuality in particular with homosexual men.When driving back from Devon he mocked my gay friends without even knowing them. He is really angry with gay men. From what he's said I do understand. And he has a belief that a man can be made gay. I wonder if there is an issue around his own sexuality as he struggles with sex with a woman yet he loves to be with women. He has more female contacts than men. Do I want to be with someone with all these issues? Or questions around issues? I don't really but I love G.
I don't want him to be out of my life but I don't want all these difficulties either. I don't want to be poor and yet I am expecting him to be able to provide the dough as I'm such a low earner. My money is just enough to keep me going but that's it, there's no room for luxury within that. I want to be able to travel and be comfortable with buying things as required and not worrying about money. Why should anyone else be responsible for that? And with that question in my mind or my attitude to want to meet someone with money then the motive is all wrong in the first place.
Anyway I'm really uncertain about G. When I'm with him and it's lovely I just can't see a reason not t be with hi the person. But when I start thinking about all these other things I'm just so uncertain. He's got a lot of issues and so have I. I expect him to see and understand me yet I want him to be all okay. He's already warned me he's not a rock! He's so very aware. And yet he doesn't want to do anymore work on him.
I am sorry for my impulsiveness yesterday and then not seeing it through with honesty. I think it would have been hurtful to say actually I don't want you to come along and yet truthful if I could have explained why. Would that be too much for his sensitive soul? I don't know. I am still too scared to really be direct with people. And it's my perception of things and my discomfort. I can own that I suppose.
It was similar with PW. I realised as I listened to him all afternoon, from 12:30 until 17:30, just how much money and status meant to him and yet he was trying to say it didn't matter in some ways. It mattered wholly. He talked about how much he had and who he knew ad so on. It was a side of him I didn't like. And oddly as I'm sitting here talking about G making judgements and dismissing people for just one thing, I could easily do the same with PW. I need to listen to my instincts but not over react to them. I would take instant dislikes without really knowing why. And I would also make mistakes about individuals; I could get to like someone just because someone else I respected or liked or wanted to "keep" liked someone. It was jealousy. And I could easily end up having a close friend that I actually didn't like. Or I could dismiss someone for similar reasons. Or I could dismiss someone if I felt they had dismissed me. And so on.
As I know to really give someone justice they need time. But time isn't the only thing. Sometimes there is more information available and that can also contribute to giving someone justice. I would like the same myself. I make mistakes but that's not all of me. And if someone judges me by my mistakes then they are missing out on a whole heap of good things. My dad judged me on my mistakes and could then never see beyond that. And I've not liked that about him on my behalf. So I would like to try and give people time when it's possible. I can like the goodness in everyone. With PW he wants to do good with his money. I think the real turning point for me was listening to his dislike of his children. How they weren't going to inherit because he saw his daughter and partner as takers ad not very bright. Reminded me of me in my dad's eyes. His second son wouldn't inherit because he's made his own fortunes working for Apple. His third son has actually cut off contact with everyone. I wonder if it's just with PW but actually I think he is an honest man so there's no reason to doubt that actually.So he will not leave any money to his children and it's all going to his wife S or to a school. He wants to be an anonymous donator to offer educational scholarships to the school. Now that's a real credit to him since he himself received a scholarship. And he absconded to join the army at 14 years of age so in effect there was an accusation of theft apparently. The school approached his parents who really did not have any money at all. How he's worked hard to change his fortunes. And he's a very clever man that's plain to see.
I'm sort of jealous of his good fortune through his life but I always think a person does actually make their fortune. I've been on a hedonistic trail - anything for the easy fun life. Escaping from responsibility.
So here I am in my bed and having to lie in it. Why should anyone else bail me out of it. I used to think it was my right that my parents helped me out. Other parents helped their kids out. I'm not sure other kids messed up like I did. So I have had a hard lesson. And the denial lesson has been my dad disinheriting me. I thought I might at least be comfortable through my parents efforts but no!
Last laugh on him therefore. I have to laugh to really. Anyway I've sent some information off to the solicitor and lets see if he thinks there is good enough reason to contest. If he says yes then I'll try and find a good No Win No Fee solicitor depending on their charges. If he says no I will let go of it. And work through the hurt and the fact that I am poor and probably will remain so. Instead of longing I need to settle into being grateful for what I've got and work hard to keep it now.
BUt that doesn;'t answer the situation with G completely. The man I really like is not always present. Ther are other parts to him that I'm not sure I truly do like. His moodiness is one, his negative judgement of people another, his disinclination to work is another, his untidiness another (not that I'm tidy but he's worse). His disregard for cleanliness in people's homes, not wanting to wear clothes to look good at all. These are things I regard and don't like.
I love his intelligence and sense of humour. I like his self awareness. I like the way he likes people, it's good and strong. I like his interests and the way he shares them without prejudice. I like his consideration of me and his generosity with what he does have.
I don't know if I like enough about him or whether I just like the idea of liking him. I don't know.
His grumpiness leaves me more in questions than when he's being nice. It's good to have this distance.
I wonder what dating really means. I wonder about me in all of this. I want him to be well and able to deal with life and yet what about me in this?
How ma I in the relationship? I'm not entirely honest as was the case yesterday. There was nothing I needed to hide from him yet I didn't say that I didn't want to meet up with him. Fear of offending him and then him rejecting me and the choice of being in the relationship being taken away once and for all.

Oh and I'm off the AWOL again. This time for having eaten my courses with too long a break between them. I had done it before but had mentioned it to someone else on Tuesday so told my sponsor. She considered it a break of my abstinence and that means back to Day 1 and off the AWOL. Now I do think it's severe. But abstinence is abstinence. There's no degrees of abstinence. And if I get away with something then it's me not being respectful of a situation, not really taking it seriously. And that's insanity. I know this food addiction has complete power over me. Just yesterday I was thinking "fuck it" and several time felt tempted by all the foods; chocolate, cakes, creamy potatoes and other lovely dishes. Somehow I got through it without making any calls. Today I need to get honest. I started with T by Viber text. And I will tell my sponsor and I'm writing it down. I wasn't going to say anything at the AA meeting where I'm now secretary for the next 3 weeks. But now I will and take this 90 days seriously. No sharing, no eating out, no going away. Let's get really serious about this otherwise there is room for a full blown binge here. And just goes to show the extent of my denial as I was thinking well it's not really a relapse, justifying it as fear that had caused me to eat. It always is something that drives the "eat addictively" fear, denial, anger, sadness and so on. Right now I have a lot going on. Discovering things about my dad has not been pleasant. And hearing that my mum was confronted about taking better care of me was unpleasant too. I feel as if my world has turned upside down. My mum must have known that tings weren't all they should be between my dad and I but she was probably already used to him being the way he was. She had decided to stay with it. I do ask why? And here I am wondering whether to stay but you see I think a lot of it is about me being problematic and difficult.
And then I'm feeling a buffoon at work, making silly mistakes and feeling as if I'm lazy.
Then there's all this topsy turvy with G.
What else? Oh ongong uncertainty with M and always trying to get it right with her too.
I just want to let go of all of this. My tendency is to run but really I just need to let go. People are how they are. And I can be how I am. I'm not a bad person even though I spend my unwaking moments thinking and acting as if I am. I am doing my best.
So the reality is that I just don't know. In my faffing around G may get a sense of it. I'm toing and foring and he may well get fed up with it. It's not fair to him. I should either pull out or get in and stay in. I want to do neither. So what can I do from here?
Please Universe show me what to do and how to be? In the gentlest of ways please as I am so flipping fragile.
I'm unsure about everything. I don;t want to be here. I don;t want anything I ahve and want everything I don;t have. I don't even want to be me. I don;t want to have to go out and be friendly. I don't want to stay in alone.
I feel in a state. I think I've written myself into it. with all the I don't knows.
What I do know is it's time for breakfast. I do know I need to preapre my meals, lunch and dinner which means some cooking is required as well. I do know I need to get washed and dressed. I do know I need to feed LouLou and I do know I need to do some studying. It's now 8:50. I will have breakfast and then call G at 9:15. I will then get washed and dressed by which time it will probably be  10:00 and with 15 mins quiet time I can then be studying at 10:30. I will take breaks to get my meals ready. And then leave here at 12:15. I will spend the afternoon with L and if G wants to meet with him for a few hours too. We can meet for a walk. He is okay with not respecting his "best friends" wishes. And that's another thing that makes me wonder about him. He so likes her and needs her and yet lies to her and doesn;t respect her wishes just because he doesn't agree with them. I really don't like all this in myself let alone in someone else.
What am I doing with him? Is it me accepting crumbs?
What is it I do wnat in a person? Someone who can cherish me number 1. Someone who respects me and feels love for me. Someone who is further down the line of self unserstanding and who can be patient with me and respect my desire to improve. Someone who likes people and loves people despite all the wrongs as I'm trying to do despite my judgements. Someone how is funny and intelligent and bright but without grandiosity. Someone who is loyal to me and trustworthy. Someone who is following a spiritual practice. Someone who inspires me and who is inspired by me. Someone who will be loved by me. Someone with some money and a good working ethic. Someone who is sharing as well as caring. Someone who welcomes friend and social gatherings. Someone who enjoys their own time an quiet time for just both of us and someone who can let me have my own time too. Someone who is charming and funny.Someone who will tolerate my quirks and is quirky themself. Smeone who has their own interests and interests we can share.
There will be other things.
I need to eat breakfast and stop writing.
I am grateful today for good friends who want to invite me along to be with them. Thanks you the B's yesterday. I am grateful for this roof over my head and central heating and food in my cupboiards. I am grateful that there are people in my life to interreact with. I am grateful for G. He is a wonderful man. I am grateful for LouLou and her little ways. I am grateful for a laptop. I am grateful for FA and food recovery. I am grateful for the sunshine and the rain and the wind and the cold. It all has it's purpose and none of it is in the control of man. It is what it is. I am grateful for Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo's books. I am grateful for the idea to go an see her in the nunnery.
I am grateful full stop.
Bliss
XX










 

Ninnyhammer

I really really can be a right ninnyhammer.
It's really evident to me most at work right now. I am very exposed. Just the two of us working there. I work with someone who is very precise and OCD ish in the sense of checking and double checking everything. Mistakes are not permissible. And so I'm much less of an editing type for example. I type out emails and send them and whoosh! All my typos are gone with the wind. And then when they come back it shows up to the perfectionist beside me and I feel the ninnyhammer I am.
I don't things through fully wither. I have so much on my mind other than the bigger picture. yesterday I went to the station with a client because he'd lost his rail ticket. I was pleased to be able to help. We chatted and when after saying cheerio I turned on my heels heading back to the office, hands in pocket to keep my fingers warm, to suddenly realise I don't have the keys to the front door. And with further awakening I realised that PD was now in a 1:1. It was a real count down hanging around outside, getting colder and colder. And as it got close to the opening hour and no sign I thought on nooooo is he having a 1 1.2 hour session. Anyway he emerged, surprised to see me. I found it funny just how ninkampoopish I can be.
I do little things like this all the time. I am exposed. It's the kind of thing I'm scared for people to see. I would be terrified with my dad of him tut tutting tutting at me in judgement and intolerance. He never ever saw the funny side. And my mum? I don't know. I think she would be angry with me for angering my dad.
When I was about 6, 7, 8 and so on I was letting myself in after school. I had jobs to do like turn the oven on and things. I had a backdoor key and with my empty house, I'd go out and play with my friend in the park. A few times I lost the key. My dad would be furious. I mean literally furious calling me an idiot etc. Really berating me, whilst having to saw through the lock. I was a child! Yet I took it on that was a complete idiot. I am only seeing now that it was unreasonable of them to leave me. I think that was when Mrs Skerrett was brought in on the scene. Probably that was the time my mum had been challenged at work needing to take better care of me after work. She was a career lady and put that first. It was all I knew, my norm but really I have always wanted my mum. It's created an Independence but I think there's a strong will there that either genetic or influenced by them and the life I lived.
I am looking back with a reality check that it wasn't that good for me. I am less angry about it today. The anger is truly diminishing for the time being. I hope some day that I won't be triggered so powerfully. At least I've done little damage.
Apart from the void being filled with G. I do not want him to be void fixer, like wood filler.

Bliss
XX

Fear vs Considering Others Feelings

Where is the line between these. We have this ability to be able to read people BUT do we really read them or do we impute our own interpretations, drawn from our experiences bot positive and negative onto others. I know people who think they read others and talk about getting a sense of what's going on. BUT they don't know me really when it comes to it. Yes they will have picked up something but not accurately. And it is annoying when they think they KNOW.
And I think I am over sensitive to this. I think I KNOW. So a flash of a look or a raise of an eyebrow or a downturn of a mouth. There's a psychological term for this and a US series was based on it. A load of rubbish as a series really but I liked the inference. It's just that people do (including me I hasten to add) seem to make assumptions that they know without checking out.
How to check out though when someone seems over sensitive themselves or angry. And to do it without pissing people off. Is that fear or is that consideration? I'm not sure.
Right now I believe G is yet again in a stroppy mood. He withdrew last night when saying to me that he thought I was doing too much and I disagreed. I read into his comment, like I often did with my dad, that it was a manipulative way for me to do what he wanted me to do, i.e. less studying. Or something like that. I think he has feelings about the time I'm putting into it. And instead of saying that outright I've read into his statement. And my response was "I'm not doing too much". He was angry saying that I just don't like being told what to do. He's probably right. Actually he is right. I get really irritated when people state the flipping obvious like you need to take time out, or do your study in blocks of 20 minutes etc. I KNOW!!!! I'm not a flipping idiot. But they don't know what I know or not. I just think people could give me more credit.
Anyhow, he withdrew and I went to bed. I'm just tired of the moodiness and withdrawal. It's hard work. I can just let him get on with it though and write and study. I'm not sure about this afternoon though as I think we were going to walk together and then visit the F's. But to be honest I would rather go alone if he's going to be moody and critical as he often is. He will feel uncomfortable which I get but instead of dealing with that he becomes grouchy and rude. I don't need that shit ANYMORE. I've had it all my life. Amazing how I am seeing the similarities and yet letting it happen. And then I wonder why my mum didn't do anything to change the situation.
I want to say to G that I need some time and space. But I then feel sad for him. People have always got rid of him. His mother. The most critical relationship. And then children's homes. How fucking awful. I want to show him I love him for the person he is. I'm not sure though I want a deeper relationship than that. Yet I went into it hammer and tongs and usual. Playing house well before I knew if it was right or wrong for me. I always do this. And then as things dawn on me I lose respect and then it becomes resentment and difficult to unpick. I don't want to lose his friendship. I love him I truly do. But I'm not in love with the entirety of him. But then I question is this me wanting out when things get tricky and not how I like things to be??
Please Universe show me and help me. I do not want to hurt G at all. I really don't. And at the same time I want to take care of myself. Until I know how to I will do nothing.
I need to call the F's though.

And I think I need to speak with my client if the opportunity arises. Only the Universe will make that happen or not. I would like to tell her that this has cause me much consideration since we spoke. She really matters and I have been enjoying working with her and observing her incredible tenacity and determination. It doesn't happen often. I regret that my own lack of clarity has even raised this issue. My mistake was in not being clear about talking about the impact of situations on her rather than talking about the specific events in the group environment. And this raised concerns about whether that can be raised in group or not. We wanted to protect her from that and I was clumsy in my delivery. I will certainly learn from that and sorry that my delivery has caused the worry that it has. I am also sorry that I hadn't been clear in even the follow up discussion which was indicative of my own lack of clarity about the issue in the first place. She was right that I/we need to be certain of this.
I don't know how to follow it up from that point onwards. Depending on what happens on Monday there may be a chance to say this in a 1:1 and in the meantime I have supervision on Tuesday morning to really bring all of my feelings to the fore.

So G is saying that he can't talk to me at all. Is that true? I don't think it's entirely true. He's been getting grumpier as the week has gone on. He tells me I bat things away when he makes suggestions. I did bat that away last night because of my thoughts that he was wanting me to not study or there's some reaction to me not having as much available time. He's right on that part I did bat it away.
However the way he then uses that as a way of batting me away makes it impossible to talk. I really don't think I want to bother trying anymore
So I think it needs to end. And I think it will end with difficulty. Another bad feeling in the world which I really would prefer not to have to have.
Universe please help me.

Bliss
XX
 

Love when feeling hostility

I need to find love even though I belive the atmoshpere will be hostile. I am upset that T didn't call me during the day when things for my dad had taken a turn suddenly to be even worse.
I didn't finish writing this.
On Friday 1st Feb my dad took a turn for the worse. The evening before I had called T and said that I'd visit on Friday. She was rather dramatic but also reasonable I guess as she exclaimed that he'd only just arrived home and was very unsettled. She implored "please Pamela please". And so I decided to respect her wish. During the evening of Friday after I returned from my AA meeting, I had a message on my answer machine. With her rather dramatised tone (usual) it said You need to come and see your father. I learnt from D her eldest daughter that they had been there all afternoon and during that time he had been conscious at times.
I am so hurt by this act of unkindness as I see it. And especially having heard since then that T would not admit to people that my dad had had a past. I think she had a big part in keeping the divide between us. I am furious about this. But then I have to look at how much a part I had in keeping a distance. I didn't want contact at all at some stages. Months and months would go by without me contacting him.
I feel dreadful for this now of course. I need to be careful though as for some people no contact is absolutely the best thing.
The last words my dad had with me were angry. He was telling me off for speaking with the consultant too long. Yet he had given me permission to speak to the Dr and it was the Dr who was talking to me. He told me that there was Cancer but it was behind his rib cage and so they could not get to it to take a biopsy. He also said that it was my dads wish that he return home if the news was bad. As it was Cancer there was nothing they could do to treat him. He was too frail and couldn't take it. I wished I had said something to my dad. He probably didn't want to talk about it though and perhaps this was why he was angry and then feigned sleep. It was obviously an act because I've seen that before in him. He shut me down, didn't even say goodbye.
It hurts like hell!

I wanted to add that I am feeling love and compassion amidst the black thoughts and feelings. I have to keep turning to this when I am feeling the resentment. I want to let go of resentmnet and hurt. And it's been ironic that all through this dreadful period of time I have been writing my stpe 4. It's been difficult keeping the focus on my part. And to write about how I kept my distance and harboured hatred towards my dad and focused on the abusive past feeding my resentment towards hi, it kept the distance stronger. T is right I was not consistent in sending Christmas cards and birthday cards. If I hadn't been so riddled with my own anger then I would have done things differently. I know at some point I can make amends to my dad for this. I wonder if I'll remember. I wonder how to make amends when someone is dead. It's too frigging late. And it's making amends for my part only. The forgiveness for all the other things is a part of the process I'm not quite in yet. It's about my part only at the moment in the resentment and hatred. And jealousy too I wanted my dad all to myself but could never get it anyway. I need to share this with my sponsor.
Bliss
XX
 

The Funeral

I was so hurt when D (eldest daughter) informed me that T would not allow me to travel from the house in the car behind the coffin. D explained that T blamed me for my dads hurt over the past 12 years of my absence and for the ways I had been in the past. BLAMED ME!!! Now I truly believe the woman is off balance but this hurt to the core. It was on the tip of my tongue to let D know a few truths from the past. D is so balanced she said she knows that everyone has a part to play. Gosh! I do not not feel I had a greater part to play. I have resentments going way way back and it's difficult to let go of them amidst all this blaming and retaliation. And I delivered my Step 5 on Sunday to my sponsor.
This is so challenging to let go of my resentments. Wow am I being given plenty of opportunity though. Crikey.
Anyhow that was the news given to me on Sunday. The compromise from D and D's battling with their mother was that I could wait outside the church and walk in behind the coffin. I think she is just bloody nasty and unkind.
As it happens M suggested those wonderful friends that were coming to meet me meet at a pub beforehand. it worked well. We met at the Royal Oak (Well recommended) http://www.royaloak-havant.co.uk/index.php
I suggested we meet for lunch. originally I was going to take my own but I didn't in the end. And I ate a menu dish without causing a fuss. It was all fine. I did feel hungry later but it could have been emotional stuff as well.
It was nice M was there, A, G and R, G and he has been a rock this past few weeks. K and her new partner P turned up too. G was clearly anxious beforehand but settled ad his new best friend is P. He made me smile as I asked if he took his number to which G replied "no in that way he can stay my best friend". He is so clever G and creative. I love him to bits. I don't like him for being awkward with me and when he doesn't feel like towards me. Then I think just fuck off and be where you want to be, stop taking it out on me.
Everyone was chatty and getting along as best they could. I felt jealous towards G being very friendly with A. I think A was anxious about it. I mentioned it to G asking if he was flirting with A. He said he feels the affinity of the alcoholic and the difficulty of the day not drinking.
A was great. She next to me in the church.
We arrived as the coffin was arriving. I dumped the car with G to sort it out. I ran down to the entrance in good time. Phew.
T apparently was so distraught she couldn't follow the coffin in. I therefore decided not to anyway.
Mainly because I wanted to ensure I was sitting int he front row. The order of things wasn't how I think it should have been but hey ho! The vicar seemed to look intently at me throughout the service. I wasn't the only one to notice. A M and K noticed too. G didn't.
A woman came over to me and later was talking intently with G and G. They learnt much about T. G discovered that T's mother died when she was 12 yrs old. Also that the kidney problem was widespread int heir family. I don't think we've discovered her reason for difficulty with men. But to be honest I think her difficulty is with people in general. G mentioned something to D (eldest) and he was disappointed in her response. I reminded him that I had been wary all along that despite her sympathy for me she was always her mothers daughter and had never been disloyal to her with carefully chosen words always.
Gosh sitting there in the front row with A next to me and K next to her, with G R M and G behind me too, I started shaking and I just could not stop. I thought at first I was creating the shakes but I had not control over them. I was so very conscious of everyone behind me. I didn't want to cry I wanted to be utterly motionless and dignified. Feelings of anger, hurt and loss flicked by me. memories seemed to be flicking through as well. All sorts of thoughts and feelings. I managed to stop the shakes by taking time out in meditation. Occasionally I remembered what my sponsor had said "take God's hand". Thank goodness for fellowship, recovery tools, God and meditation. Thank goodness for my friends and friends of my dads.
I wanted everyone to be on my side. But I was able to simply be friendly and chat with people. I had a role after all, the daughter of the deceased. I had a purpose to be sociable. It's so not easy to be sociable and chat to people as simply me.
Anyway there were so many people at the church who briefly came over. I'm glad they did as I wouldn't have had time to get to them otherwise.
Not everyone came to the other place with the ticky tacky foodstuff. G mentioned that it is where AA meetings are held. It made me smile. I heard him mention it to P too so I wasn't so worried when I answered K's question as to where we met and I said in the fellowship. She nodded but may not have even known what I meant. Oh well!
I wasn't willing to speak to T as she sat. She was surrounded initially by the HAC chaps. I wondered if that was always a plan. Military men have such a code of etiquette. A couple of the men I had never heard mention of before. But PW and JH were there. Old old friends of my dads. I will contact PW as he was in Korea with my dad and maybe I can get some of the truth. I hope so.
PW is unwell himself and afraid he won't be coming out of hospital on Tuesday. I will phone him on Saturday.
JH suggested I get a copy of one of my dads HAC books. He asked T on my behalf noticing that there was a distance between us. She said categorically NO! I know I am going to struggle to get some of the possessions I would like to own. There is the painting on the wall, the medals, the Chinese figures that my mum gave him, there is the ivory peacock and a little shooting trophy. I don't why I want these things. They are material things that on the one hand I despise and yet want on the other hand. it's strange.
Anyhow I was a bit gossipy. I wish I hadn't been. I know I was and realised I was at the end of the evening back home with G. It's a way of venting.

He had a wicker coffin. Most surprising. But then again my dad would occasionally do something that seemed completely out of the blue and out of character. It would cripple me to think it was all her choice after all. The reading made me vomit - talk of arms being all around for ever.
The reading from St John was nicer - Chapter 14 I think. I will re-read it I think.
The service was nicely done overall, short. Then he was buried. I would have liked him to be near my mum. It is frightening the power of these second families. Now she is his next of kin she gets to chose everything despite the 41 years I'd already had with him and the 45+ years my mum had had with him. It feels all so unjust. There is so much emotional pain connected with that. I keep trying to remember these are merely thoughts, memories and emotions. It is not what is I. And who is the I that is thinking it is not I anyway. As says Jetsunma (Tenzin Palmo)

 

I am deeply blessed with the people in my life right now. These friends that were there with me today were just incredible. All but K knew my dad. A and G had a brief encounter with him. They were there for me. And how easy it is for me to focus on the people that weren't there for me or only me. These people were. Ad that is incredible. Please God take care of these incredible people. They are towers of strength for me. I pray for them God and trust that you know what is best for them. Help them in their own struggles and carry them to soul happiness please.
And for T I pray for her God putting her in your hands. Especially in her grief. Please too take my prayer for D and D. They need your support, I get a strong sense of that.
I hope my dad has found his way to you. I wouldn't want for him to be a lost soul. I think he's been floundering for long enough. God please help him find his way to you now.
For those people that may think I am religious, this is not a religious God I pray to. It is the Universe, the energy that is the Universe. I don't believe in anyone thing or revere. I do though know there is Power greater than only one single thing. It is us, the collective, the world and everything on it and beyond into the Universe. I think that includes an interconnection of time too. So people live on and through. I have no idea if there is a place for souls, we won't know unless there is and we are there but I don't believe that will be as the I if there is such a thing. But it's scary thinking like that because then I doesn't exist and what is it within this skin of cells?
Well I'm going into work late but that does mean I need to get ready now. Prep my food, wash and dress and leave by 9:30. It is possible to do at 8:22.
I would rather just relax at home, feeling all my bones tensed and muscles taught.
I'm tired, emotionally, physically and mentally. I may go to a meeting this evening but may not. Perhaps I'll simply chill for w while with the B's A, G and R of she's there.
And then home. I'm off for my study day tomorrow which I need to confirm with PD. He is struggling with my weekly study day.
I have an essay to do and haven't started the reading. I want to get the chapter read tomorrow. it's a tall order but if I don't then I won't get back to it to comprehend it enough for the essay. I want to read the fist chapter as well. Although I know it basically I don't know it well.
So off to prep food.
Thanks for being there
Bliss
xx