South Africa

C sent me a few of her photos from her current stay in South Africa.

 




And these brought to the fore of my memories my trip to South Africa .....

Thank you - what a wonderful photo. That should really be framed.

Gosh! You are reminding me of my fabulous trip to South Africa. It was in about 1990 I think. I was there for just over 3 weeks. What a trip.

I started in Cape Town and drove to many fascinating areas (including Paarl and Stellenbosch as I was drinking then - actually it wasn't in excess at that time but then I was in a relationship ironically with an Italian man whose father made exceptionally good wine, from the grape. I was also eating eating eating).

 

I went to Hermanus Bay and I was so very fortunate to sit with my feet in the water where whales were swimming around. And then we drove around some of the towns and areas at the beginnings of the Garden route.

It was also along this journey that I discovered polished semi precious stones for the first time. They were so cheap I bought bags and bags. I had them in a glass vase but Joe took those too. I was always and still am disappointed I didn't get to keep them, along with some of the things we bought in China and Hong Kong and Bali. He took all of those things. Just material possessions but I suppose meaningful representations of trips and memories. As well of course as memories of time with him. That was a long relationship and not to be written about right here and now. So many tangents!!!!

 

 

There were a number of towns and scenes we passed through and visited.

 

The Cape of Good Hope of course was amazing. The meeting point of the two oceans. It was a clashing of waves and a bashing of winds coming together with such force. I remember it as wind noisy and boisterous.

 

I had only arrived the night before and was fast asleep when the hotel room phone went off. It was a colleague of mine from the UK phoning urgently to say that we had to get to Hermanus Bay, he'd been on the night shift and watching the news about the whales at Hermanus and didn't want me to miss them. We went off that very morning.

I did this .....

 

 

 

I hope you get to see them.

I lived in Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire at the time we went on this trip. One evening driving around Cape Town we came across Aylesbury ice cream. I think it was on the way to an a very trendy area - it may have even been the port area? Oh I just looked it up - V&A Waterfront. Is it a well known place for restaurants and shops? I can't quite remember. I do remember that we were stopped by the police and asked for ID. I remember acting as if that was all OK and that I was street-wise (in a way I was having travelled extensively and already lived quite a "high" life) but inside I was alarmed and nervous. I've lived those two people all my life. Pretending as if I'm all knowing, cool and calm, taking it all in my experienced stride. But inside very sensitive to these situations I've found myself in all over the place.

 

I thought Paarl and Stellenbosh were alluring and not just for the wine. I enjoyed going from wine estate to wine estate - tasting. We bought wine as well. You know I can remember feeling embarrassed as we weren't big wine drinkers and I thought they'd really only be interested in people buying lots from them. Or in coach trippers because they'd end up with good sales. Not a couple trundling around on our own - uneducated in anything really and not big spenders. That's a theme of my lack of self worth in many, many situations.

We did a touristy visit to KWV wine emporium Paarl. A fascinating history of the cooperative of the wine estates.

But I was charmed by the estates and the white buildings. It seemed funny being amidst these places that had previously only been TV or film experiences. It's often been quite surreal a feeling when I end up being in the reality of something I'd only ever seen with the limits of the screen size. I remember that odd feeling the first time I was in the States.

Then we took a train (not the Blue Train) from Cape Town to Jo'burg. My want an interesting journey. We took a first class sleeper which back then was tuppence ha'penny. I was really amused at one station we pulled into. All the cute little children were lined up by the First class carriages - begging. They got given food and money in abundance. The noise levels were incredible - laughter and joy. As the train pulled out the little children turned into bigger children who starting spitting and throwing things. The noise of the angry First Class passengers was equally amusing. They were furious and some I overheard were raging about the cheek of it. I smiled as I listened to them ranting about being duped.

Resourceful and angry local people.

Ah yes the TransKaroo - the scenery was pretty stable until approaching Johannesburg. Leaving Cape Town started out quite changeable but then same same same - I guess the timing of the departure was scheduled so that the sleeping happened when the journey was most boring.

 

 

I did walk through the train and found Third Class. It sounds ever so grandiose but I don't mean it that way. Whilst I appreciated the cheapness of First class for me on my earnings which weren't so incredible by the way compared with the average in the UK at the time but comfortable enough, in South Africa, my money really gave me a high quality of life. But I felt guilty. Sitting in Third Class was where it was all happening. At the time I was there some people started singing and the whole carriage started to join in. White and black.

I did though return to the luxury of my private first class sleeper cabin.

Arriving in Jo'burg was a real change of atmosphere. i wasn't expecting to but I felt the undertones of danger. Having hired a car from the station and not knowing the area at all I realise it was rather stoopid of us at the time. We drove to our hotel and on the way heard gun shots. It seemed that at this time it was fairly normal. IN the paper the next morning we read of a shooting in Mayfair and some people had been killed. That was exactly where we were driving through. I think at the time we were there it was still very troublesome. I know there are still troubles but I truly hope it has improved.

The next day Joe and I decided to go for a walk around Jo'burg. The hotel concierge was most alarmed that we were going to stroll off. Only after a few 100 yards we realised why. It felt hostile.

Being in the travel industry albeit business travel I was very privileged and managed to negotiate a private Safari with this chap called Wally. It was Kruger. We were there for 4 days I think.

I decided to have my hair permed - as if it's not curly enough. At that time in my life I was all make up and hair dryers, straightening my hair every morning by pulling it under the intense heat of full power!! It took ages and a lot of sweating. So I decided that to go to the national park I'd have to be able to leave my hair curly. What a disaster. And then I had to face the hut accommodation and spiders! AAAAaRGH!

 

He really did treat us. Early starts to silently observe the dawn at a watering hole. M that was amazing watching the animals come in turn. First the lions, then the jackals, then the baboons, and so on in pecking order. I remembering sitting there thinking the show was all over when suddenly I noticed giraffe appear in the bush around the watering hole. They stood thre still for ages looking and gradually they moved towards the water along with the zebra and wildebeest - they seemed to all herd together. Finally the impala - by that time they were so passe but when we first drove in the reserve I was oohinh at aaahing at them springing about all over the place.

There was one day we were parked up and I enquired about this little fluffy cotton like balls in the bushes were beside. He explained that they were spider nests. Spiders that were minute in size. But as there were so many in each little puff ball nest that accumulatively they could sting and kill. Singularly it wouldn't even notice. At that time in my life I was terrified of spiders. Ironic really as were sitting watching a pride of lions at very close distance. I was afraid I'd be compelled to stick my arm out to try and touch them. A little like I feel compelled to jump off tall buildings. But then I was more terrified of these spider nests.

 

 

 

 

 

Joe was a very good looking fella. It would be nice to have a phot of him and many other of the wonderful men I have known but it just wasn't compatible.

 

We saw a elephant herd, rhinoceros, a lion pride, crocs, water buffalo - incredible birds of all varieties.

Claire I just loved that visit to Kruger. As I'm writing all sorts of memories are coming back to me.

We decided to go off in our hire car and went to Pretoria rather than stay in Jo'burg. Wow! What a beautiful city. The jacaranda were in full bloom and the entire city seemed to be mauve. The atmosphere was entirely different.

 

From there we spontaneously decided to drive to Sun City. When I think back on that drive now we were crazy. We went off completely unprepared in a little hire car. I think it was a 3 hour drive to Bophuthtswana. We barely saw a person apart from the odd person walking along carrying wares on their head. No petrol stations, no places to stop for food or water. Nothing. That's how I remember it anyway.

 

We had a couple of days in the gambling-fest and to be honest I found Sun City all so fake and pointless after the glory of the wildlife. It's a good job really that I never really had a big win because very time I've been gambling in any shape of form I feel the buzz. It was the same in Las Vegas. A couple of wins on arrival and I thought that was the way it was going to be ad then nothing. It then became tedious and boring. Phew. Mind you i do love the whole atmosphere and adrenalin rush of the horses and a race meet.

I remember they were preparing for the big Miss World competition to be held there at some point - so that was how long ago it was Joe and I were there - 1992. It was pretty quiet people-wise unlike Las Vegas. And it was still very much under construction.

 

 

I was sad about the wild life though - squashed out of the plains really by people into this tiny corner that rarely received enough rainfall to fill the rivers and lakes. I was praying every day for rain as it was particularly dry.

On the crazy drive back from Sun city to Jo'burg we were travelling into the night. And there was the most incredible light and colour display of lightening. Apparently it was common we later discovered but didn't mean rain. I was a spectacle of a light show and my memories don't do the experience justice.

 

And then we tipped over the top of a large hill down towards Jo'burg. what a glorious sight that was. Jo'burg twinkled like a glittering diamond. All the city lights surrounded by complete darkness all around. It was it's own beauty and spectacle for a city. But with the knowledge that it was also a city ravaged with angst and hatred. Today I pray for that to be lifted ad love to be strengthening. I suspect that will take a lot of time. If only people could find the trust in God and then the trust in people would not be tainted.

The next day we were leaving South Africa and the rain came down. Enormous drops of rain plopped on the car windscreen - washed the car of its dusty trip across what could well have been dangerous territory. I hope that the wildlife parks would also receive rain and that the animals, birds and creatures would be dancing in it. I really cried for them and their stifled lives. Elephants no longer roaming the entirety of Africa.

 

This doesn't quite capture what I recall. We were further away and saw the entire city from on high.

 

Oh and I did enjoy the tour of the diamond mines at Kimberly. Set up really as a masive museum. With a tour into the mines. I had an eye out for a diamond but I guess so had every tourist before me and no doubt since.

And not long after that we flew home.

So your visits to South Africa and your photos bring all of these memories flooding back.

wow isn't it great to have memories like these and have them all stirred again and actually run through them.

Obviously this may make boring reading since you are there yourself and experiencing these tings for real and in your own way.

Lucky you. I would hope some day to return and visit you and my gorgeous friend Kim.

How lucky I am to have seen so many glorious corners of our magical world. I do miss the ability to travel at will. It was if for a period in my life I had wings. Pity addiction was clouding the views.

Bliss
XX

Bath to Abergavenny

I AM so relaxed. I AM in the right place today. Can you believe it? The sun is shining this morning. So far we have been pretty lucky with the sun the being out occasionally. Amazingly so when packing up the care from the yurt. It had rained all through the night. I wished I had recorded the sound on the canvas. I will post any photos I have once I get home as I've forgotten the connecting cable. Oh I may be able to download from the disk. I'll try later.
Things I've noticed is how I react to T needing to do things for herself, there and then! Whatever anyone else is doing. My first thought is that she is thoughtless of others and selfish. But in reality she just wants to d what she wants to do. Of course I realise there are times when she hasn't heard or understood everything that's been said and I get a little arsey. I am keeping my mouth closed. And this is where I'm not so clear yet where the balance for me is. When do I keep my mouth closed and when do I say where something is actually inappropriate. Like the incident with L and the stapler. Have I written about that?
Well on Friday at work ... yes work is still on my mind but already changing .. I was sitting on the computer writing my notes. L had already been having a "bad" day. S and I had returned from the Process Group to listen to her troubles, she even cried. L appears very stressed. We tried to encourage her to go home as she was also talking about ill she has been feeling, etc, etc. I suggested she took an hour out just to have a break. No, no, no. I recognised myself. All the problems in the world but wanting to stay I the problems and huff and puff. Interesting because I often think it's because no one is hearing me so I have to insist and even exaggerate the problem. But it's me. It's anger I suspect and a need for attention of some sort even. That's what it seemed like. Just lots of huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning but not wanting to take any of the good suggestions S and I had for her. Anyway, it was after all of that I started working on the comp and stepped aside. I had already realised the futility of suggestions and it was starting to seem as if we were being sucked in by even making different suggestions, one after another. So I had my back to the scenario and quietened. We had been criticised of course for the way we had done group. But L is having to step aside from the clinical work simply because she really has so much of her own work to do. And staying to 10 or 11 each evening its taking it's toll. She seems to me to burning herself out. Anyway, distraction, distraction. I had my back to the office when L said "I want to throw something". There was a tone in her voice that was jokey. Or so I thought. Maybe it was actually destructive, I can't be sure but in the next instant she said, "like this" and suddenly there was a loud BANG! as she had thrown a metal stapler across the room with such voracity that it really banged against the cupboard door next to me. S was shouting and said she was leaving the office. It interested me that despite this I carried on. As if it would all go away if I just stayed still and acted as if I was affected. It was so inappropriate. I wanted to say "now that's inappropriate". It was!
I wonder if it was light-hearted and wanting to express her frustrations and not vicious. Although I do see a vicious side to her. It was difficult to read. I think she has ideas that she thinks would be clever to act out on but I am relating to that to me. It's as if I have an idea and because I think it's funny or wild then others will too. Often there has been impropriety in my behaviour and I've been quite ashamed of my behaviour then. I was interested in my reaction. As the impact of it hit me afterwards and then spent days telling people over and over again. And emphasising how crazy I thought her behaviour was. I seemed to need it as a vindication of my own thoughts about her. A real example of how dreadful she can be. I don't mean to neglect the generosity of L and how she has introduced some great ideas and her frankness with family members involved with the addicts. It's as if she's furious with the addicts unless she can take them under her wing and influence them. I so disagree with that you see. Wanting to control.
Anyway surely this is out of my system. It is really because I feel as if I'm writing it purely for the fact it needs to be noted as a point of something that happened and not because I am working through it anymore. I'm bored of it. Just to finish though, lots of people I've recounted the event to have strongly suggested I should report it. Well I'm on holiday and S had said that she would probably report it. I would back her up 100 per cent but it's actually good for me to stand back and not be the hero of the day or the saviour of the team. It was wrong, that was clear from S's and everyone elses reaction. I wasn't sure of that. I don't want to over react and I'm not sure of that boundary within me as I can be over dramatic (histrionic would be the psychiatric label given to me) so stepping aside and observing has already been useful in seeing this unknown in me.
So Sunday morning came. T seemed to have misunderstood the intended collection time at the station.A part of me wondered if this was her stubbornness. I think I identify that. She just does it her way regardless without talking about what she thinks and feels. And probably my suspicion is aroused by something about the way I can respond to things I don't like so much. Anyway they arrived and once we have managed to get everything squidged into the mini, off we set towards Bath. We arrived in good time to sit in Holbourne House car park and eat our lunches. We had all prepared them in our little boxes. And then into Holbourne House. M and I walked about and commented on the portrait sculptures. T was in pain, something she's been experiencing more and more in her thigh. So she took herself off without having really engaged with the exhibition. She had commented already that she isn't so interested in portraits.
I enjoyed it. Again things I've never considered before were highlighted to me. There were ancient pieces from Greece and Rome, there was a waxwork of Henry Moore. I found this quite sad really as in his own work he had been sculpting portraits but the article there was commenting on the fact that he seemed to veer away from precise reconstructions of a person or body, instead creating a representative form. And yet here he was, precisely recreated in wax. It was eerie and to be able to get close up to the wax work was interesting.
Back to T taking herself off to sit. It was good for me not to succumb to that. I have a sort of irritation when someone is unwell and not wanting to do something, as if they are controlling me somehow. Getting their own way without actually saying they don't want to do this or that. It is difficult to read T for me. perhaps I just need to ask more questions. For instance just this moment I said I hope you don't think me rude but I'm just doing my writing before I take a shower. Her reaction was to simply ask a question about it. But she has got herself a magazine and sitting eating her breakfast silently reading and I think she must be fed up with me/us both doing something quietly to ourselves.
Gosh I over think things. I think .... we're on holiday I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to record the events of the last few days as I recall them because it changes as time passes.
So after the gallery we set off to the campsite. The yurt was pleasantly large and OK. There were snails and spiders. Yuch! And it was flipping cold. We dumped some of ur bedding things in there and after a short while headed back into Bath in search of methylated spirits for M's burner and gas for my little stove. We found neither but in the end we did what? We.......... uhmmmm. Memory blank. Oh yes we returned to Bath and did a torchlit tour of the Roman baths. It was very interesting. I remember visiting many years ago and not really engaging with the whole thing. The age of it, the reality of it. Here we were standing amongst structures that were over 2000 years old. The Romans had discovered this natural hot spring and turned it into something to indulge their self care and pleasure. It was quite incredible. I guess they built the structures and then channelled the waters. The taste of it was pleasant but not either.
I realise I can look at many things without actually taking in the full meaning it has. When in Egypt I did get myself transported back 4000 years and I attempted to do that whilst in the Roman baths. Try to make it come to live as it was. It was difficult because I didn't want to share that with the other two in case they thought thoughts about. And also the way it's been restructured for the sake of tourism is a killer of the reality. However, I could see some of it without the need for the corny films. Listening to Bill Bryson's commentary was reasonably useful although again I realised I didn't listen to the content just the sound because I thought I should. How strange I can be.
Back to the yurt, we lit a camp fire. I was very, very dozy. When did we eat our dinners. I can't remember now. I think we may have eaten it before the torchlit (rather over hyped and under phenomenal) tour through the baths.
I fell asleep in front of the fire. The air bed I'd invested in was worth it. T and I shared. I did get cold and woke up a lot through the night, trying to wrap myself deeper into my sleeping bag. Eeeek the thought of slugs and spiders and beetles and snails was appalling. I'm ever so glad I didn't need to walk to the loos. Although often my reason for that is that they are not very nice to be in. The facilities at this camp were in fact very good. It was rustic and natural and woody. I liked it.
Monday - M's birthday. I got the pressies from the car. M deliberated and delayed and chatted. It seemed anything other than open her pressies. She did say that she felt embarrassed and liked opening her presents on her own. I remembered that she has said before that her face shows her disappointment. So what? Isn't that the truth. It's something to be grateful for that people give gifts but it doesn't mean the gift has to be liked. I had bought her something she had asked for and a little notebook that was not cheap but not supposed to be a wow type present. I have also bought a canvas of street art connected with the Olympics. A sort of maker of her 43rd birthday in the year of the Olympics. Oh the book she'd asked for was sort of a graduation and birthday all in one. I hope it will assist M achieve her dreams of being a writer and filmmaker etc. She wants to create. I believe she has it in her to do and gradually see her getting there. Yes I am a little jealous. I want it for her more than anything, for her to achieve her dreams and I pray for that for her. I would want something lovely for myself but I want so many different thins, I'm too diverse in a way. I see that I'm interested in so many things, I can diversify which in itself is good. There isn't enough time in the world though to pursue my interests the the degree I am interested. I get quite intense and only then feel satisfied that I am learning and growing in the interest. Interesting ha ha ha ha!
We had lunch for M's birthday at the Pump Room, attached to the Roman Baths and the room built in the 1700's for people to receive the waters, believed to be healing of course. But people were dissatisfied with the facilities because nothing was there for the time when the water started to work i.e. toilets as the emptying process began. I took two cups of the water the evening before and aside from feeling a very soft mouth, I don't think it helped in any emptying out for me.
So after lunch we walked around Bath Abbey. Beautiful. We had found a fantastic book shop. M saw a book created by Ron can't remember his surname, but she knows him very well. M talks about lots of her contacts as she visits places. Sometimes I am jealous but I am beginning to adjust my thoughts. This is her background and her reasons for mentioning these things I don't know but can often result in the person talking with us about other interesting things and leads on to more and more. I rarely do that as it feels as if there is some boasting going on from me. I think I've often thought my mum and dad were boasting. I know my dad hated my mum striking up any conversations or connections. All peculiar. I keep things to myself. Where is the fine line of balance? I am still questioning all of this.
Anyway we left Bath and travelled probably less than an hour to Abergavenny. After shopping for food provisions we arrived in Hen-ty. It's a lovely cottage. Spacious and charming. Part of an old farm, the husband's family farm. It's warm with the wood burner burning. It's very livable. I like the fact that I don't have my clutter around me and so it's clean and tidy. I need to de-clutter. But then there are things to have and to keep. I see things for sale now that I've actually de-cluttered int he past and they are worthy. I feel bereft often when I think of things I've given away or thrown away. Now they are collectibles and appreciated. I liked them but didn't value them.
After a Tarot reading for T in which I see a struggle and wanting things her way, I dozed in front of the wood burner and the voices of T and M fading into the distance. I literally crawled to bed I was so tired. And for the first time in a while I felt warm.
There was one thing that was dubious about my food. As I hadn't had my yoghurt at lunchtime I had it in the evening and with lots of pear even though I was cutting away lots of bruised and horrible bits. It was probably more than one pear. Right now I am not inclined to tell my sponsor. Why? Because I don't want to go back to day 1 of 90. I don't think it's necessary. I certainly realised the absolute importance of not being influenced by other people partly doing the programme of FA. The belligerence in a way is how I see it. Someone who disrespects rules. It's not even being wild and carefree it's arrogance. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else is doing. I know this food programme is working for me.
I feel the right size to be able to allow myself to be on holiday. That may mean nothing to anyone else. But I do feel as if I'm in the right body. I an wear my clothes comfortably and with ease. All I have to do is eat my abstinent food and keep the addict in me from the desires. Those desires are my limitations for sure.
Oh I missed my AWOL. I made that decisions and even though I was scared of being judged by B, I told her I made that decision. I already had before we left for Bath on Sunday. I was glad t get honest about that.
So off the shower ready for the day ahead. Tomorrow I need to make my call whilst out walking int eh morning glory. I hope it is morning glory but M will lend me her key sot hat I can sit in the car if it's raining. Then I can be freer to say what's actually on my mind.
Mind ramblings from a holiday trip with friends even when I have unfriendly judgemental thoughts.

Bliss
XX
  

Sociological movie making - Crash!

 

Cast Sandra Bullock Don Cheadle Matt Dillon Thandie Newton Brendan Fraser William Fichtner Jennifer Esposito Ryan Phillippe Tony Danza Keith David

Directors Paul Haggis

Screenwriters Paul Haggis Bobby Moresco

I hadn't realised that the cop was Ryan Phillippe.  Paul Haggis also wrote and directed In the valley of Elah. I gave them both a 3.75/5. Hmmm not a great film either of them but though provoking and difficult subject matter to tackle without being too sacremental
It makes it's strong points about racism and prejudices and fear and hatred. Ingroups and outgroups - (Tajfel). And anger and blame. How people take out their issues on others. Lack of self awareness and all about self gain. This all ends happily except for the one happy-go-lucky criminal and the suffering father. It's a creul world according to this film. There was no goodness overall. The odd deed of true humanity but a rarity. And the criminal who has certain morals right at the end. And the righteous black woman who is suddenly racist against chinese - and so on and so on.
Yup it mades it's point alright. It saddened me to have it all highlighted like that.

I remembered how threatened I suddenly felt when in Johannesburg. I was too flipping arrognat prior to that to realise I could be a minority. I was suddenly very aware that I was an unwelcome white. And then the risk we took without even realising it when we decided to drive from Pretoria, beautiful Pretoria to Sun City - 3 hours of driving without another car or town. It was all so spontaneou but now I would really be overly cautious and not do it without better preparation. At the time I just didn;t even consider the dangers. And after all we made it OK. That was always how my life was .... when did it change. When did I start becoming cautious to the point of withdrawal and anxiety. And after reading today how the brain cells are actually different in those people who have depression .... interesting.
In Niger there just wasn't the same hostilility. The very opposite. Not subservient but definitely interested in us whitey's. L.A. Well that was a culture shock. I didn't believe anyone when they said no one walks anywhere because it's too dangerous. Not even across the street. So off I went to the off licence over the road. Very quickly I realised this was trouble. I ran back to the hotel room. That was the last time and I had to buy into the fear and do what everyone did - for my own safety.
Having been to New York from 1978 until 1998 I truly saw some changes in the fears and attitudes. The zero tolerance did alter things - in downtown Manhattan - but not out of the centre. Bronx and Queens were still troubled areas. And then even in the rich suburbs like Garden City, well I saw the wealthy whites and the poor blacks.
As I was writing to my friend, I feel sad about the way folk focus on the differences. Sure there are differences, we are each and every one of us individual. But we are all humans and there are more similarities if we could only all find love. I say that to someone like my dad and he immediately picks up on "their" attitude towards "us". Ugh! Putting me in his us is so uncomfortable. Anyway, it's everyone, every race, culture, religion, community, person. If everyone could put away the differences and enmbrace the similarities - there is a lot of repairing to do. I think there are increasing numbers of people working in that direction. Not enough. I have my prejudices - I realise that I have been anti fat people and older people at differnt times. Not rude or mean. But I would probably choose to talk to someone else. I am not like this I hope now. I try to embrace everyone. I realise I can't like everyone as their are differences that cannot be overcome but I do not hate and want to destroy because of the differences. I can agree to disagree and use that as a way to explore my differences. No blame or shaming.
I pray for more people to be more tolerant and patient. I pray for that for myself.
But this has been going on since the day Adam bit into the apple and Cain and Abel were born. We have a long way to go before there is ever an Eden again.

So anyway this film is critiqued as a socialogical presentation and that it was. It certainly evoked feelings in me. I get very stressed in films anticipating the killing or the trouble or similar. I realied I ate 2 apples on the stress of anticipation. Not good.

Bliss
XX

Dad

My dad just called. I told him about Lisa's death on Monday at 1pm. He asked me to send his condolences. Should I send a card on "our" behalf? I'm not sure. Perhaps I will make one? Would they find that odd. It would be me being me.
I have the flower I have created. It would seem quite appropriate linked with death actually.

His wife is due out of hospital today. He said he thought he had lost her at one point. His voice sounded as if he cared and I hate that. He has moved on from my mum and I want him to only care about her not his new wife. Yuch. It's painful and yet it's so selfish. What an odd mix of feelings this is. I cannot make sense of it yet am very aware. I probably need to talk about this. Who with. I will speak with E and A and M about it. M may relate.

I spoke with him about things at work and then the NHS. I told him about Sophie and her Blog - http://la-biscotte-ecrasee.blogspot.com/
I also spoke about my thoughts on the current feelings and fears I have about the NHS. Of course he has lots of experience of the system. We are lucky supposedly to have this but how this Government is ruing it. And we spoke about the corruption of political philosophies when individuals get ensconced within the party views, losing principles of their own. I am aware how I am becoming a little more certain of my views. I might not have solutions hence I become a silent protester and moan to anyone who will listen but without any other action.
I have withdrawn my payment to a charity today. Instead I have added the regular payment into y savings account. I think I will try to put an amount into something else once I have decided what.

So anyway I was me with my dad. I have been this before and been slighted by him. I can today hear him through me and my lucidity that is surely connected with the high I have. I can tell as I am flitting from one subject to another. What t do with the flipping energy and distracted interest in many many things

Such as the curse of the crying boy. A painting that seems to have been in the household of various homes that have burnt down. The Sun reported on this after a fire in 1985, where the only possession left unscathed was the painting. And one of the firemen involved in the disaster remarked on having seen the painting unscathed after several devastating fires. More recently a mobile telephone number has been withdrawn as everyone who was issued with the number died - Cancer and two shootings. Each of them was Russian. I was very nearly judgemental then. I have the impression that the wealthy Russians around the world are involved with deviancy and underworld dealings. This is what gets reported of course and just goes to show how the media influence opinion. I am glad I stop to question more and more. I used to take things at face value. I encountered a group of wealthy Russian men one time I was in Dubai. My friend S was so taken with them for some reason and I was very wary of them. Dripping in gold, bullet wounds across the stomach on one of them, girl prostitutes all day and night - it looked unsavoury to me. And I have always been one to take risks. We first met this Lebanese man who explained that he had been employed by them to make arrangements for them. I'm not sure what those arrangements were, I didn't ask. I wish I had. But I think he seemed to disappear. perhaps he talked to much??????? And was fed to the crabs he he he. I can make a STORY out of anything. Very paranoid.
Oh latest paranoia. I noticed some hairs in the bathroom this morning. Shorter than my own and dark, also thinner. I have had a feeling for the last few days that someone has been in my flat. I try to tell myself that I am being silly. Similarly at work I think that people coming for assessments are actually employed by the P to see if I am doing a good job. I feel watched by them. This one on Friday, I felt very nervous about. He was a nice looking man and stared strangely at me all the way through. I would say that there was a certain relationship addiction or issue in his behaviours and attitude. He would certainly find that difficult. I suspect a lot of avoidance within his home life. Similarly the assessment I carried out at the end of last week. A definite love addict but people don't want to hear these things. Usually!

Whelan I didn't run and didn't even think it was truly bad. But I was also suicidal at the time. I was at the end of my tether I thought. In Dubai? Well I didn't get involved again. S and I sometimes did our own things. I was off with J. Bloody hell that was a weird episode. He was the DJ of the hotel. A complete alcoholic now I look back on it. His tab had even been stopped at the bar. Yep! I ended up at a party with the MD of Deutche Bank. He was another big big drinker and was a frequent party man at the Chicago Hotel bar. He would get there about 4 every afternoon. He invited me along with J to his house. Beautiful. We partied in his pool - alcohol and cocaine until the early hours. As a result I missed a tour S and I had booked. She was angry and went on her own. Yes she was really angry with me. I am not sure that she had wanted to come along to the party at the bank mans house. I wasn't very available to her during that week in Dubai.
A few weeks later I went back on my own. Yuch! I stayed with J. He was incredibly creative but another person who I realised was very far from my own ways in life. Only now do I realise he was ravaged by drink. Through him I went to a recording studio and watched him doing voice overs for adverts. I met the recording crew and they all came to the bar that evening. J was DJing and I was dancing etc with the guys. I was very very anorexic and using alcohol and cocaine but I didn't think I had a problem at all. One of the guys was in hot pursuit. J was aware. This guy tried to find me - very very good looking. He became aware I was with J but tried anyway. he called J in fact to find out where I was. J said I had gone to Abu Dhabi. I was of course interested. But felt I couldn't because of J. If I could have found a way I would have gone and partied. He was a naughty type - always the ones intriguing and then of course they are actually unavailable. The nice man I liked very much but he was not available to intrigue with, decent, boundaried and happily married yet drinking and probably not drugging actually.
It would be interesting to get S's perspective of me in those times. I wonder if she would read my blog without judgement?

Here's S's response to my email:

"Hey Bliss,
Isn't it funny how our memories are very different about that experience.  This is what I remember and it will make you laugh!
1. Telling lies about getting there in the first place - saying we were reviewing the hotel on behalf of H R so that we could go for free!! { Ha I never thought of it before as telling lies - it was just what I did to get freebies}
2. Having to wear a suit on the plane and getting of in Dubai and my first words were 'fuck me its hot here'.  You had given me strict instructions not to show my shoulders or my knees because it was disrespectful - if I had, had my way I would have been walking around in my knickers and bra!!
3. Meeting J - he was really funny and that knackered car that he had - he used to bomb about everywhere in it and he looked after us.
4. Asking that arab man if he had, had his appendix out by the pool and he said 'no I got shot in the stomach' - (note to sue to shut the fuck up every now and then).
5. The russain hookers - how thin and gorgeous they were. {And I remember us laughing so hard when one of them stepped into the pool thinking it was the shallow end and went right under with her beautfully buffant hairdo then ruined}
6. Going to sleep in the hotel room with the patio window open and the air con on - waking up in a room full of fog thinking I might have died and gone to heaven.
7. Me going on that bloody free day trip on my own because you had ran off for two days of fun.  Meanwhile I was stuck with two old biddies on a bus with no air conditioning - I wished I had gone with you LOL!!!
8. Packing your case and yelling at you down the phone to get back to the hotel as we had to leave to get our flight home and you got back to the hotel as the coach arrived.
9. Laughing all the way home on the plane about it!
so after reading this you might want to reword some of your blog or just add my bit in - because it was funny!
and yes I would love to read your blog and yes I still love you very much x x x x
Love from S x"
{That so made me laugh reading her version of things}

So vague memories or ways of remembering these times. I have recollections of J's dark little room. Oh one of the staff gave me a mouthful of his curry one day as I passed his door and he was standing there eating it. I commented on the wonderful aroma of his curry and he just held out his spoon for me. I took the mouthful very thoughtful of how actually I hated the idea of using his spoon - ironic really as I was so promiscuous and unsafely!! Ugh those staff quarters. There was another staff member who i befriended. Someone J liked and trusted but I can't really get an image or full memory of who this person was. I met the bouncer of the bar - Egyptian and a friend of J's. His English girlfriend ha just come over and was moving in permanently. We went for dinner one evening at their place. I considered moving there. I even went for an interview. So naive. So fucking close. I think I would have ended up dead there. I would come back to the UK for a detox. Ha! An adventure though - short lived.
J also befriended this group of Italian guys. One day we all went in their car to this beach. We had to drive through Sharjah to get to this very quiet beach at Umm al-Qaiwain. It was a nice day. I don't recall really how many of us were there. I had a real problem because my period started. I only became aware far too late. It was awful for me. But I didn't say a thing to anyone. There was another girl there but I just sat in my shame and fear. I had been flirting as well with one of the guys, he took me off in a little boat. I was pretty horrid to J but then he was odd really. He wanted sex with me talking about his mother and saying things to him as if I was his mother. I was disgusted by myself for doing it and even then had thoughts about my dad with me but thought it was me being disgusting in my thinking!! Blimey - de-fuzzing memories that seem long ago gone. But I did it anyway to try and please him. I did not know then I realise that I had a right to say no. Gosh! I see so clearly how desperately co-dependent I have been for so so many years. It's so sad. I just thought it was what I had to do. it was abusive - all of this and the way he treated me was abusive. Of course it was. I was in my early 30's I think. he was an old man - well at that time old to me, he was late 40's maybe even early 50's. What the fuck! I truly have been on a trail of destructive neediness and all in the name of wanting someone to give me the love I craved. Men haven't meant to take adavantage. But I have given them that power always!
After the beach we drove off into the desert. To a bunker in the middle of nowhere and we purchased booty booze. A can remember just being handed this bottle in a brown paper bag. I don't think I could actually see the people in the bunker. I drank it neat. It was probably poison. As we drove through Sharjah (a completely dry zone unlike Dubai where it was permitted to drink in hotel bars but only hotel bars). I was screaming drunkenly out of the window. I was pulled back in and told to be quiet otherwise the men could all be arrested. I have a cringe feeling as I think of that. Feeling so naive and yet supposedly the world wide streetwise grown up traveller. Pah! I don't remember much else. I probably drank so quickly somewhat to try and overcome the shame of earlier in the day and period blood being obvious. Oooh the shame. Oh and I probably drank so much so quickly because I also liked being pissed and hedonistic. It gave me the courage to be wild!
I do recall always thinking that my parents would be horrified and at the same time intent on not being held within their strict rules. I was having fun or so I thought. I was sometimes. I certainly was having experiences. I am not sure of their validity as to increasing wisdom.

Bliss
XX

Unstarted confidence lacking

A new word - relaity - delayed reality

I am trying to get started and I am so flipping addicted to people I just keep chatting. E is phoning and I have put a limit of a half hour chat. So the relaity is I will be starting about 10:30. Poop

 LouLou in blisssful knackerdom!!

Different events in different places