Considered verdict

I was late in court to represent Lisa. I arrived just in the final throws whereby she received the verdict of guilty and to be thrown out or deported or something. AB was saying isn't there something you can do. To be honest Lisa was oblivious. I was so cross with myself, disappointed to the point of utter despondency and in writing this I'm realising that I do have an attitude of finality once an authority has made a decision or perhaps it's laziness or something else I'm not quite sure of. I just gave in to the verdict without a fight. Perhaps guided by my feeling of guilt and remorse for not being there at the right time. I do remember seeing the look of glee on the faces of the prosecuting team. And sad that they had gone hell for leather to get a girl who is so young and vulnerable. I of course was seeing Lisa aged 17 as she was when we were all in the Priory. Gosh she was so ill as well as so young. Completely vulnerable.
Anyway the next thing AB was talking with the judge across the pews of the court. And then the judge called over to me asking if this is true? I was given the chance to explain Lisa's circumstances, her bi-polar and so on. Suddenly the ruling was over turned and Lisa was declared innocent. I think the prosecuting team (is that an American term) had left. I was given a cardboard front of shirt thingamajig. I don't know if they have a name. You know similar to the cardboard fronts of a dress shirt men wear for formal functions. What is it called? Aha thank goodness for Wikipedia - a dickie - a sort of cardboard shirt bib. It was also known as a shirt bosom. All these things are going out of fashion for men as formal dress is worn less and less. Anyway I was given a large one of these in a sort of coral pink colour. I was also given a black skirt. Apparently the practise is more ceremonial when winning the case (according the knowledge I suddenly had in my dream - it's funny how there is a sort of internal running commentary in my dreams to explain the odd things that happen and make sense of the banal). Anyway this was all sort of handed over in a bundle, which I received with hands full of papers and carrying a briefcase, so it was all a bit of a muddle. And around me people were celebrating my win but I was thinking it wasn't me, it was AB persevering with her idea to challenge even though it was already decided and over. I have felt this recently with ideas she's had. I'm not necessarily the ideas person but can pick up on them and make them work when it's for someone else but for myself I am full of fear. And I feel inferior because I'm not the ideas person. I am a follower and sheeple as someone on FB would say.
I feel inadequate not being a creator and merely a follower.
So everyone was celebrating but Lisa remained oblivious.

I can recall in a following dream trying not to forget the court room dream but in the process I've forgotten the following dream.

I've been feeling a bit fuzzy-brained since I think Saturday evening. I was sitting in the meeting listening to V doing her chair. G was there which threw me slightly. I was aware of thinking he'd be criticising me in some way for my lace gloves and what I shared. And I imagine his criticism of me being secretary as well was rife. Anyway all of that took over perhaps. I felt sad that we had had a something and now it's quite bitter from him. I was cheerful to see him and friendly. He was dour and the way he is with people he doesn't trust and like. Well it's his issue really. That's how he is. Then on Sunday evening I received some texts from him. Mainly moaning about someone sharing and then glad to have the opportunity to have a go on the following evening when doing a chair at another meeting.
I found it funny that V shared about being in a relationship and there was abusive discourse from the ex. I found G's behaviour abusive and I expect he found my behaviour abusive. I didn't ever set out to be abusive of offensive but I'm pretty sure at times I could be because we tap into each others hurt and issues. I want to be beyond that somehow and with someone who is beyond that. I wonder if it's possible.
I feel sad today that my mum is not alive. A person on FB was saying how they are going to Australia with their mum. The person is the same age as me. And she believes that due to her mums ailments wouldn't make this journey again. I am sad that I haven't got my ageing mum with me. It was sad last evening with the Kaleidoscope magazine with AB and GB remembering how my mum would select clothes for me that were not always what I'd select for myself. She knew what might look good on me. She'd buy tings for me too. I have none of that now. I took it for granted then. And I'd manipulate too. All went when she died. So many things I only appreciate when they no longer exist. My dad. And the sorrow I feel for not being able to let him into my life in any shape or form. Holding onto deep resentment and now he's gone.
LouLou is sneezing. she is getting older and I have so taken her for granted too. She no longer likes to sleep with me and doesn't cuddle up with me on the settee anymore.
I have such a good friendship with AB. I don't know if I show it. I am there practically everyday. But do I show my appreciation in any way. I will tell her today how much I value her friendship and I will tell GB how much I admire her and value how she includes me. That brings on a real feeling of sadness. I do feel lonely at times.
I can't be bothered to get going today. I have had this feeling of nothingless and I have been fighting it. Trying to work out how I feel. Wondering why I don't know. Wondering if it's hormones related. Trying to work it out and then with the answer I'll have control of it. Instead I simply need to accept it and give in to it and let it be. I trust it will pass as it has before but even if it doesn't, it will all be okay. I worry I suppose that I operate so much on an emotions level with people that without it I won't be able to do my job well.
It's a funny feeling. Just can't put my finger on something that seems to be there underlying everything. It will become clear if it's meant to.
Regret I think is there. Regrets about the past and the way I've been and still can be. Regrets that I have no children. That came to the fore earlier this morning when I was reading the 24 Hours a Day book. It focused on the impact of alcoholism on the children. The impact has been that I've terminated them as soon as they've got to conception. How dreadful. How sad that I will never know those little soles as human beings. I am so so sorry to those little souls. Ad yes sorry that there was a them not even just a one. I've had a whole big family but not much beyond conception. One was months rather than just weeks. It was that I was too scared on that occasion to go with the draw to have the baby. Scared to tell my parents I was pregnant yet they would have been horrified about a termination. God help me with these thoughts.
I've rarely spoken about these things. This morning when I was reading about the impact of alcoholism I hadn't even thought of the decision I had made as an impact on the souls. All I ever think about is the impact on me - poor, poor me!

I suppose I need to get up. I don't want to. It's my last study day or rather free day off this year. I don;t want to work 5 days a week. I want to work 4 days per week. I wonder if I'd be able to manage on the pay.
God I would like to guidance please about how to go forward and if I should go forward with my own little business. I have some ideas of my own that PD will not allow me to do at Addiction Care. I would like to talk to him about some evening work at a shared cost. These are referrals directly to me. He asked me if I'd see them privately or through AC. I need to sit down and discuss things with him. Thursday is busy with 1:1's for me.
But I have some ideas I'd like to follow through. Some private 1:1's in the evenings a women's closed group, a writing group with a view to putting a book together of experiences and to publish it.
I would like to start some training courses for counsellors too. But I need premises. God is this the way forward? If so how do I do it?
I have visions of the little therapeutic writing group on a Sunday morning in a quaint tea shop private room. Something cosy and friendly. Not in the "work" environment.

I need to get up. I will call AB and see if she'd like a walk this morning. Then I can come home for the rest of the day and speak with TH later on and a meeting with CT this evening. An AA adventure as we have called them.

I need a wee too. I can feel a little lighter I think. Oh I wonder if this is not my nothinglessness and a clients stuckness I am experiencing. And I think the stuckness maybe A's when I would have more likely thought M's. Hmmm now that's interesting. It could be stuckness not nothinglessness.
God please show me the way. Thank you.
Oh I wonder if it's if I feel a bit attracted to A and it's my stuckness then with that. I need to bring that out in supervision I think. Ew yuch - exposure.

Bliss
XX
 

Mum? Dad? Stuck in an irretrievable moment

Nightmares! Horrid - waking up each time stuck in really intense emotion. My mum and dad. All the unresolved hurt, loss, fear. Ugh! And even after waking up because I was unable to change the nightmare despite my efforts, I went back to sleep and had a new nightmare. Same cast different scenario. Uncomfortable. Obviously feelings either needed stirring up or have been stirred. Don't know how to describe how I feel now; shaky, racing thoughts, anger, hurt, missing my mum, regrets, grief, unsettled. Thank God I have a sense of serenity I can turn to and ask for help and guidance. A sense of something bigger than me. No need for external comforting. I just needed someone close up me to know and that can be through my writing.

My dad seemed to be in a dream of turmoil sitting on the settee ( goodness knows where we were, I didn't recognize it). His eyes were opening and he was shifting his head from side to side, his eyes rolling in his head. He looked frightening, menacing. At one point I wasn't sure if he was actaully asleep as he seemed to look at me from a distortd face and evil eyes.
Suddenly he did wake up! He went upstairs ranting about all the people there to help mum. She was seriously ill upstairs in bed. Again I did not recognize the stairs or the front door, through which he was turfing all the nurses and doctors out. He was banishing them. I was crying, screamnig for hism to stop knowing that mum needed these people to help manage the pain. She was ying there helpless and saying nothing. Letting it happen. I was distraught and furious.
I have felt these emotions to varying degrees and off and on - the fear of him the frustration. The injustice. The helplessness. The fury and the despair.

There was a second dream which I've now forgotten  ut again involved them both!
It took a while to get out of the emotions that seemed stuck

Bliss
XX

Freebird tethered

Then L called. Gosh I could relate to her too. She too was worrying about her sisters state of mind, her mum's health and feeling self-centred and selfish wanting or needing emotional support from them. She is working on Step 4 on her AWOL. And to be honest I really could relate to being right in the Step 4 and everything feeling so flipping difficult. When I was working on Step 4 my dad was dying and there I was trying to look at my part in my resentment. I felt so bloody resentful and angry. Yet was giving myself such a hard time. Tying to keep the focus on me meant I was taking on EVERYTHING as my fault. I was to blame and yet I didn't feel to blame all at the same time. It was so so challenging a time for me. I think to some degree I am still stuck in step 6/7 which is when I left the AWOL because I relapsed. I hadn't really fully grasped the responsibility for the bad feeling I had caused my dad and my mum come to that. And since then it's been sinking in and feeling heavy at times. I feel awful for the irresponsibility of my decisions in the name of wanting hedonism. Hedonism came in the shape of wanting parties and men and drink and just a good time all the time. I didn't want what felt like the shackles of responsibility such as financial commitments. I thought my parents were simply boring and trying to tie down this freebird in me. Which always reminds me of the Lynnard Skynnard record and wanting to be that free spirit, drugging and slightly fey, unknown to people. Yet in my behaviours I was without any depth at all really. Of course the depth was in my desperate quest for something but didn't know what. So with that not even knowing I was looking demeanour, I became very one dimensional. How despairing my parents must have been with their strong values to build their finances and status and knowing the importance of financial security in this very demanding society and watching me time after time fritter away properties and actual cash. I was just so irresponsible. Also getting them onto bad debtors lists as I was resident in their home. My dad had a right to not want me around as I caused them trouble. And all of this was happening without them really knowing I was drinking excessively or eventually drugging and always promiscuous in my desperate bid to have someone to love me. I didn't like or love myself and felt unlovable so it was never going to fulfil me. That behaviour just got worse. In fact I see how the drink was just a reason to make my behaviour acceptable to me. I thought it was giving me courage to do that. Actually it was overriding my values so that i could behave in a way I didn't approve of. All the time blaming my dad for being so Victorian. He was strict and very judgemental but it wasn't his fault and I had values but disregarded them. They were muddled up with his dangerous messages through abuse and imposition over me.
I need to go and get ready. There is more to write but not now.
Bliss
X
 

A song for Dad

If I were to sing a song to my dad what would it be?
It needs to be one of forgiveness, forgiveness of myself right now. I watched a film call Song for Marion. My gosh it was full of similarities. A father and son who did not get along as their mother and wife was dying of Cancer. She was upbeat and loved both her husband and son. She loved her husband even though he was a grump. She loved her son, saying "he's a good boy". That hurt as I can only think that over the years I brought my parent a lot of trouble.
I was burning the candle at both ends, I was financially irresponsible, I was hedonistic and selfish with it, I chose men that were really inappropriate and unavailable in many ways. I worked addictively and then burnt out. I drank addictively and ended up using drugs. I just wanted to be loved.
I don;t know if I could have a drink again without it getting out of hand. I do tend to think it was circumstantial. I think I fell into using drugs and quite frankly I know I couldn't use them recretionally and intermittently. I wanted them and more very quickly. I should go along to an NA meeting. I probably need an AA meeting as I was really thinking I might have a drink. If it weren't for my job and my food recovery I would drink I think. FA says no alcohol. It's sugar and mind altering.
I have so many regrets about my behaviour and please God I need to find forgiveness as right now it feels painful seeing my part in the animosity in the relationship with my dad.
For goodness sake, resorting to escorting. My parents must have been despairing, thankfully they didn't know. As far as I'm aware.
Well I just had a call from an FA friend C. It was interesting talking with her as she is questioning the whole alcohol abstinence.Not believeing she is an alcoholic she wants to be able to have a drink but more importantly it's to do with what others will think. I'm long past that I said, havinf just had the same thoughts I suppose with LW. When he said we can share time over a good glass of wine. My, that's a very tempting thought. And being in Paris with ML would be a lovely time to be in a cafe having a glass of good French wine. The thing is when I used to visit places I used to spend most of my time frequenting drinking venues and staying there. There are some cities, like Zurich that I found a bar and a few of us stayed there all day. Then spent the vening drinking as well. Too lazy to tour around. Sometimes it was because I felt too large to tour around and so easier to just jabba the hut it in a bar drinking. So yes it was a usefyul call for me. Then a call from L who has decided to have a breka from meetings completely. She was struggling to make it a bridge to normal living. Somehow the commitment was not suiting her. Maybe she won't need that constant feeling of fellowship and the reminder. Some people don't. They stop drinking and live happily ever after. I like the fellowship, the understanding of difficulites with day to day living and thinking. I am no longer so despairing but an evening like yesterday can still flaw me. It's good to have people to help step out of the potential quagmire and downward spiral.
This morning I still have a feeling of remorse hanging over me and some of it involves G.
I am thinking of sending this email .... I suspect he would delete it without een reading it. But at least I would have said what I truly think.

Hello G

I am a friend of yours whether you want that friendship or not. Whatever happens I will always think so very highly of you. I have thought that since meeting you and think it today still.

I am very sad that the relationship between us didn't work out and I regret even more that you feel so badly about me as a person.

I do make a lot of mistakes, fumbling through life situations. I don't find it easy. Amidst all of that, it is NEVER my intention to do any kind of harm to YOU or anyone.

You are a good person G and I am truly, truly grateful for the great times I have shared with you. I will hold those in my heart always.

I knew that I needed some time without contact and maybe could have expressed that more clearly. I didn't mean to piss you off so. I hoped you might be understanding of that and although you don't trust me, trust that it is not because of you.

I wish you only good and really mean that from the very bottom of my heart.

 

Bliss

 

 

What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I? I guess if unsure I will wait and re-read and see if it's still the right think to do. The intent behind it is valid. I would like him to know that I have no evil thoughts of him. I didn't like things that happened between us. The mix just wasn't right as a couple. Perhaps there isn't anyone that will be the right chemistry with me as I am. But it doesn's stop me liking these people.

On Friday I went out with a flurry of petticoats, red cha cha heels and hat boxes. As a result I left my keys in the door and the door unlocked. I sudenly remembered this when I was too into my journey to work to turn back. The I was agonisig about whether it was valid enough reason to phone the vicar of the local church. I might know people to say hello to but I don;t have people's numbers. My downstairs neighbour has given me his number  now. I think I may have lost that too now! I'm a bit all over the place at the moment. I keep losing words again and get fearful that this is the onset of dementia or something serious. Especially with these dizzy spells and heart flutters. On the otherhand it could be menopause connected and just less noticeable as some of the more noticeable side effects when larger are not present now. Anhyway in my clumsy way I phoned him having talked with an FA person (as nuts I think as me, S) who agreed that it would be an okay thing to do to ease my fears. Break ins etc. I called, told him I was a bit bonkers and he did walk around to my flat, finding the keys in the door. He didn't want to disturb T (downstairs neighbour) so early but delivered the keys to him later in the day. How very kind. Now I will make a donation to the church - what should I donate?
Which reminds me. I need to count up the AA pot and pay the two lots of rent outstanding by cheque and bank the £198 into my account. I'm so lapse about this. I'd like to ahnd that commitment over actually. I'd much rather do something I'm better at. Oh well.

Being a "modelle" has so far been fun. I'm a model for an art class. They have thanked me for sitting so still. It's hardly the pose in the Girl with the pearl earring painted by Vemeers. And I'm far from a girl. Their paintings are not at all like me. Even the artists very fast impression is nothing like me I find. This were the creations I managed to photograph on Day 1 and then Day 2. 2 more days to go. Some people are only doing 2 days some people are doing the one piece over the days they are there. Some people are doing lots each time. It's interesting the references he makes to other painters and discussions about techniques. I think I should like to have lessons. I guess this is what the masters did and how they found proteges perhaps.

 Day one

 Day one

 Day two

 Day Two

 Day two

 Day two (one of many)

 Day two

 Day two

 Day two later on

 Day two

 Day two (tutors fast start)

 

 

 

A very emotive film for me. A Song for Marion

 

Cast includes Terence Stamp, Vanessa Redgrave, Christopher Ecclestone, Gemma Arterton in

Paul Andrew Williams.

Humour but truly a pluck on grief within me. I think the acting was as ever outstanding by these very professional actors. It's a snippet in time before death and only a brief glimpse of the interactions around that.

I am not sure if it is sheer brillance because it's so real or if being so close to some of my reality makes it seem master work.

I have been thrown into my grief as a result of watching it, hence the opening theme of this entry today. Remorse, loss, sadness, internal turmoil, reconciliation.

 

It was a lovely light relief and a nice surprise when LW phoned me just as I was getting ready to go out for something to eat.

I would really like it if I had freinds with males as well. A mix of social people in a group. There was a largegroup of men at the pub last night. A team of some sort I would suggest. A wedding was taking place and the bride was so young looking and pretty. The guys were all so young as well. I was cynical in my thoughts and wish for them all that none of them follow a journey like mine has been. However, I can turn to the gloom of it all and forget to see the wonder of the journey too.

And today I've had a call with L, C and now my friend S too. It's lovely to have this friendship and connection.

Thank you Universe - beaming smiles

 

Bliss

x



 

Indelible traces of my past that are falsified

Memories can be very unreliable. We like to think of them as indelible records of our past. Every time we pull out a scene we fiddle with it a little bit before we put it back in
We are constantly altering our memories so the past won't conflict with the present.
It isn't questioning our feelings about our childhood but specific incidents might not necessarily be exactly as they were.
One event though doesn't tell us everything about the entirety of our childhood.

Emotional injury in families can feel so unfair.
It's like an accident in the car when I'm the only who went through the windshield.
And people think they are doing different tings from how it actually feels.

I want to stop all these people I see at work from going through the windshield.
My mum has gone through the windshield. I am now the orphan I have always felt I have been. I felt separated and different. Different values.
How ca I be a good daughter to my parents even though they are dead?
I get so busy. I don't want to go to their graves. It's just nothingness there. I don't want to tend the little area.

I do what my parents did I suspect ... to my friends.
I can be such a fabricator of the truth - well less so now unless I'm careful to be truthful.
I omit things so that people don't know what is actually going on.













 

Oh That's Crap! Unsettling.Revealing.

Well I've learnt even more about my father. From Auntie E and then I picked up the courage to call Auntie V.
Now she seemed to be asking several times what I wanted. I said that I want peace of mind. She said that if that's what I wanted then I need to let go. She suggested going to church. I said that also wanted to know things about my dad. I think she thought I might be phoning to ask for money. He had told her that I'd had 2 lots of £15,000 loans which I'd never paid back. What a liar! That's so infuriating but a relief to know that he told such bloody idiotic lies. He had said that I'd cost him a lot with my first marriage. That's probably true. As much as I hate to admit it. My mum and went for it. I think it could have been more costly. I mean I didn't have or want an evening bash. He knew as well that I didn't really want to get married but didn't have the courage to step away from it. I was too scared. Perhaps he could have helped me there. It was a sham of a wedding and a marriage. And I've done it a couple of time since. I know he had no respect for me in my attitude towards money and spending it. Yes I did have a couple of loans. But I did pay them back and they were no more than a couple of thousand each time. He did act as guarantor but again didn't have to pay anything. He did give me the deposit on the first house £2000 and that was lost when I ran away from the whole relationship, everything. I was foolish to do that. I should have stayed and fought but I didn't and didn't have the courage to ask for help to get what was rightly mine. Lukcy MP, he got the lot. I don't think my mum and dad did naything with regard the place in Guildford with AV.
Anyway Auntie V did confimr the name-swapping business of my fathers father. The family name was Boulger and they came from Southern Ireland. They cam from New Ross apparently. I'd like some time to go there. But with Boulger being such a popular name. .... I wonder if Auntie V would give me some more details when I go and visit her.
She sounded as is she were talking through a psychic voice. She said that T would spend what little money was left very quickly. She said that there would be something for me from the house. Well we'll see.
I'd love it if Auntie V after all these years of knocking her psychic skills was right. I think my mum might have been jealous of Anutnie V and Uncle F. My dad always held them in high esteem but my mum an dI were snobby about them. Look at them now. A very very rich family. But never forgetting where they came from. Unlike my mum. And I.
Good for them. I am very pleased for them. Truly I am. And they look after each other which is also a real beautiful thing. Unlike the snobbishness and distancing and self-gain. I have had that too. I really am very very happy for them making it good but jealous too. I wish I had their get up and go and humility to do what it takes to get there. I was  not interested in grubby looking things. Ha! More fool me. Last laugh and all that!!!
Anyway Auntie E was aware of affairs. She said that Auntie V had always known about affairs. I will ask her directly when I visit. I said I would visit in early May. I want to follow that through. I've arranged a date to get up to the Wirrall to see Auntie E and Uncle M.
They have always been mocked by my father. And I would never say that to them - please God. I was able to say to Auntie V how highly he regarded bith her and Uncle M. She knew that.
She gave me some snippets of information and understandably was cagey to begin with.

I am fucking furious with him for being a liar, a cheat, a cad, a womaniser, a complete fabrication. I am pleased that he found happiness in recent years according to Auntie V. I'm also glad that he wasn't completely happy according to Auntie E and also to N. They all think there was something not right. I wonder why Auntie V then says he loved T and was contented and also she finds T to be a nice lady. When so many others don't think she is. I feel for her with a difficult childhood as described by her cousin. I am pleased that she has no financial worries in her illness. One less thing to stress about. I am jelaous that she had good times with my father especially as I was so excluded. I am jealous that I didn't get any inheritance. I don't like being jealous and would really like this to be removed from me please God and let go. Help me to let go please.
Should I stand up for my rights? I suppose there's no harm in asking another solicitor. But if they also say no then I will let go of pursuing it. I am coming to terms with this being my lot. It is not necessary to have material wealth to be hapy.
It immediately made me more content with G. Before then I was agnonising over the fact that  he has nothing too.
So what. If we can be happy in our strange way together, then that's enough. I can adjust more easily than ever I imagined I would.
I feel a sense of loss of the freedom to travel. I'd truly like to find ways to get to the Far East and to India to meet with Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo. I'd like to see other cultures and worlds. Perhaps I'll just have to be content with the wonders I've been privileged to experience through my work before. I have chosen a different career and it's an amazing honour to work with people and their private lives.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I can learn and move on from this. It's been a lot of turmoil but doesn't have to stay turmoil.
HP help me to be happy for others good fortune and to be grateful for what I have.

In the meantime, my father was not someone I am proud to own the genes of. I am furious with him for being such a fuckwit! I am furious with him for cheating on my mum and for lying so much. There was no bloody need. I think I can see a way of dropping the resentment though. Not by thinking it through. Simply by ust acknowledging the anger and fury and letting go of the desire for it to be different. It is what is it. The past was what it was. I'm angry and that's that. But not longing right at this moment. I annot get reconciliation from anyone. The only person who could have shed light on what the reality actually was is dead, my father. And he was never capable of honesty when he was alive. I just need to accept that.
I amscared that I am a pathological liar too. Please God help me to be honest.
I will tell G, sponsor that G, boyfriend, and I are going to stay in the relationship. Both a little tentatively and accepting that it's quite a lively relationship.

I didn't know any other way. I wasn't given the tools for some reason. Some of it my make-up, some of it the lacking within my relationships and guidance. I became an addict and do not blame him/them for this. I need to take responsibility for my behaviours which I do. I was not pleasant and very irresponsible. I became out of control and was a worry for my parents. I really don't think there was any other way to go though. I didn't have the capability for life yet was thrust into it anyway. I had to get away from home. I was self-willed too. A bit of a handful. Very, very angry, understandably. And then I got into recovery. My father didn;t want to see any changes in me. And I've learnt was lying about me anyway. He had to make it worse that it was probably to ease his conscience in some way. I and my father probably have a lot of similarities. I was tuaght to be a liar. The truth was never ever enough.

So an interesting morning. And a lot of study avoidance. Okay - I have at least half an hour to get some done

Bliss
XX

Watch out for Gremlins

Crikey! It feels like a whirlwind struck and it';s just this littl ol's thing called living life.
Where do I begin? So many observations and happenings.
Let's empty my mind as things come to the forefront of it.
Well first off was the sudden realisation when looking at my diary on iPhone that I was supposed to be going to S's (my Goddaughter) birthday party. Her 21st. Part of me didn't want to go as it involved effort especially when feeling already drained of energy after a full on holiday. However, the other part of me wanted to show up for both K and S. I made contact with them as really I had little information. I eventually spoke with K and arranged to get to her house. She informed that D (ex-husband) would be there and that was extra motive. Now that's interesting, so hold that thought. I also learnt that it was a fancy dress party!! Well I was not at all prepared for fancy dress and was thinking of wearing the dress I bought from Monsoon from A and G's voucher for my birthday. However I suddenly realised it was a proper party and hunted through some other ideas ending up wearing my very lovely pink dress from Karen Millen. I bought it years ago when with S and wore it only once before now. The only time I was slim enough. I look tiny in it. It was amazing to want to dress up and feel OK being dressed up. I didn't want to look as if I was competing with 21 year olds but at the same time wanted to dress up. Lovely.
I arrived in good time to eat my pre-prepared supper and then we were off to the club. Wow! K is so stressed and angry. She acknowledged that it was affecting her about D being there for the evening and yet she wasn't thinking about him. I didn't ask what she was being affected by. I said I hoped she would be OK that I intended to speak with him. She made a comment about him annoying her because he spoke to all her friends. K has so much animosity and deep down I know she is hurting badly. She doesn't seem to know any of this though. She defends her hurt and blames him, curses him, and is raging at him. Please God help K to either get some clarity or find a way to let go. Perhaps this recent man she has met will help but I tend to think it keeps her in the craziness rather than be any healing.
I did speak to D. It was nice seeing him. I have always liked D and in some ways relate to him better than K. K and I have such different ideas about life I always think. I talked quite a lot to D actually. There were times when I felt very much like a spare part and yet D and his brother M, and his wife J were so inclusive. The first time I went over to D. The next time he beckoned me over. It was then that I listened to him more. He has anger towards K but it seems different somehow. He is battling with her reaction to him leaving. He talked about his leaving and his new life a little. He was so complimentary about K as a mother. But he has a lot of concerns for the way things are. I could empathise with him on many issues.
They are certainly at different levels of their understanding and process.
What is interesting for me is me in all of this. There is a part of me that's always been attracted to D. I never ever crossed that line and don't think I even ever flirted with him. Despite what another friend of mine thinks I am honourable in that way. I can berate myself for having the thoughts about finding men attractive who are married but I would not enter into that attraction I don't think. I have however had affairs with men who are married in relationships. It hasn't been with any wife or partner I've ever known which doesn't excuse it but it has been meetings under different circumstances. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour from a man and so am deeply ashamed of my part in that. In recovery my amends is to not do that.
This adds though to my confusion and need to be open and honest with my support about contact with D. I suggested that I take his number as I would love to keep in contact with him. I have genuinely a fondness for him as after all I have known him for a long time. It's very difficult when a couple split up and a friendship has developed with the partner/husband/wife as well. I am loyal to K and would not wish to cross any line. But I have to be honest and say that I was interested when I heard that D might not be so happy in his new marriage. He asked me about my status and I said that I have chosen to have a good long time away from relationships. I noticed him touch me a few times but in particular when he said that K had asked if he and I had ever had sex together. I was sad that she would thin that but also very aware that she her insecurity is heightened and was before they even split up. I watched the dynamics with horror really. And the reality is I just could see K's destructive behaviours but always blaming him. I would have left too. In fact I did. I could not bear anymore the way K was and had no ways of saying it to her. Now I have a distance because I had to force it first. And I hope to be able to maintain my boundaries. For instance, talking to D for as long as I wanted felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what would seem appropriate and at times it seemed to lengthy. Especially when D said he was just going to the toilet and if I was there when he got back good and if I wasn't I wasn't. I wondered what that meant really? But I also know that I am a sex and love addict and I put meaning on things because I am looking for it. So I need to be vigilantly aware and not flirt or be suggestive in any way. If I want to maintain any contact with D it will need close monitoring. The thing is I also think if I tell my sponsor she will say no. Is that the right thing to do? Can I not have friendly contact and ensure my boundaries are in place. This is what I want to do.
So I have D's number and sent him a text so that he has my number. He has suggested we meet for lunch for a proper chat. I need to talk to people about this but I am terrified of their judgement of me.
I feel hungry. Surprise, surprise.
Who can I talk to? God please guide me with all of this. It is a fine line. I feel certain that my sponsor will say withdraw completely but what I really need is her to help me with boundaries and keeping them. Actually that's what I need to ask her to do instead of putting in comments and then being told what to do. I need to ask her to help me in the way I want to be helped.
I want to be a friend to K and not hurt her feelings. I would like to retain some of the friendship with D and I do not want to act in any promiscuously or indecently. Not that D would do that more than likely. I think he is decent man actually.
So what will I say to my sponsor. Than you God for the awareness and the need for the honesty. I know this is crucially important. Will I mention if to M as well - it's always a difficult call as I feel judged and I feel criticised too. If it comes up I will talk about it with her. It would be interesting to see what support she can offer with this. I would like to ask her to try and put all judgement and criticism aside and listen to my honesty so that I can find a way to be the person I want to be. Is that the right wording God?
In a texting conversation with A I have mentioned the need for support. I feel so unjudged by A and it's a lovely feeling. The thing is she is so unavailable these days. Even more so than in the past - boyfriend, pregnancy, family, other friends. I am delighted for her but aware that it is less availability for me. I wouldn't want it any other way though in terms of what she has in her life right now. It seems everything she wanted. Thank you God for providing for A.
It's odd really writing that because I realise that I want so many different things and different times. My wants a diverse. It is impossible to have them all at the same time. I want to be wealthy with finances and nice things and comforts and then I want simple living too. I want to be academic, I want to be a psychologist but I want to be studying art history too. I want to be bohemian at times and at other times smart looking an polished. I want to be working, I want to be able to afford a life of leisure. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be free and spirited out of a relationship. God is it at all uprising that You cannot provide any of these things as they are constantly shifting within me? Is it because I still have o idea who I am or what I want? Or is this exactly who I am and all the things I want? Please God give me guidance. I am wanting to develop my faith in my belief of you. This is progress huh God?
It will soon be AWOL time and I haven't written anyway near all of the things and observations over the past few days.
I want to add if I haven't already written how wonderful it was to want to dress up and feel good in being dressed up and comfortable being the right size. It was one less thing to have to deal with. I also didn't have to deal with the buffet and hunger.
I did have to deal with not being overly at ease just generally chit chatting. I do not want to go into to deep and personal matters. It seems so intense. I did fall into that for a while with some friend of S's. I think he was ingenuine and there I was getting too open. I realised it but didn't know how to stop it. God? I could have said actually let's change the subject. How do I break into conversations though about other matters like art and general interests. I suppose it would be useful to have a way of finding out what interests people have and ask questions about that. For example the young lads playing football. I could have asked about their team and how they think they play. I could have asked about their interests outside of football.
Same with D really. I did with J, talking about her daughter and her family. She was so pleasant really. Everything seems simple. She and M do seem happy together, dancing and laughing about. How utterly wonderful.
Thankfully the talk with this friend of S's was towards the end of the evening and the lights were coming on a clearing up was the need. It couldn't go on. He did share with me his insecurity was of his colour. I wanted to know more but he deflected onto me. He said he was a detective in the police but afterwards K implied that generally he was full of bullshit really. I didn't tell her he said he was a detective but somehow he didn't seem genuine at all then. How the influences of others can be so powerful. Gossip is dangerous.
I was pleased with myself. I did not enter into the gripes and sniping between K and D. I listened  mainly. I have passed on to K how D complimented her as a mother. I thought that was very important.
Oh whilst feeling unattractive and grey in colour the friends of S's said that I had a great figure and should be proud of it. I was very attractive and should be proud of it. He was also very surprised I was 52 years of age. Good! I do feel it though whatever feeling 52 really means.
I was disgusted again by K's dads inappropriateness with women and even when he was telling me. I have always felt so uncomfortable with his feely touchy ways. He is inappropriate and it makes me feel physically sick. I connect it though when younger as accepting it as it was fairly normal practise in my own household.
What i also found disconcerting and sinister was that one of S's friend's father and his mate were hanging around the youngsters all evening. The father had divorced his wife and was now married to a young Thai woman who looked little and a childlike figure. I found these two men repulsive and very worrying actually. What is one to do about things like this as the girls are all of an age now where it is consenting whatever happens. However they may be totally unaware as these men apparently have gone clubbing with them for years. Oh yuch!!!
Is it my own issues and suspicions or is it wrong. It seems very wrong indeed!! I expressed my disgust and concern to K about these men and she told me of her observation of the fathers friend on the dance floor keeping everyone apart. There is something acutely wrong in this thing I've witnessed. I noticed S kept right away from them and have a concern about this.
OK it really, really is time to call the AWOL. I hope that I get on all OK.
I'm looking forward to listening and hopefully will find the courage and words to share.Please God help me to contribute actively to the AWOL today.

Back soon
Bliss

OK AWOL, lunch and then over to the B's to collect LouLou. What a beautiful day. Summer! I am so tired but I think it would lovely to go for a stroll.
I had a conversation with M mentioning the situation with D and K and heard my desire to have contact. As a result and also speaking with the B's I think it would be pertinent to let some time pass by and letting the two of them discover a little more comfort between them. Talking with K today she said that she and he spoke more today at the stables than they have over the past 5 years. Perhaps, who knows, I had an influence in that. I called K this afternoon and was able to say to her that I was concerned for her with the levels of her anger. I suggested that she might be the gracious K and the gentle K that I know she is underneath all the anger. And that the anger is a cover for the depth of her hurt. She kept wanting to work out why suddenly D is being more chatty today. She wanted to know if he was having difficulties in his marriage. I said I didn't know. My gosh she's tortured with all of this. And that's when I stopped her and said try to stop working it all out and keep out of what may or may not be going on and simply stick with accepting it at face value and concentrate on her own behaviour and attitude.
Something that really stood out for me on the AWOL was when someone shared about wanting everything my own way. From a very little girl I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now. I didn't take no for an answer either. If I was told no I would find a way to get it anyway. And it's like that now. The same person shared about how in recovery I can't always have what I want. Recovery has to come first and that might mean giving some things up. Now this resonated strongly with regard to the issue of wanting t be friends with D. And also the more my discomfort with it has been sat with the more I have re-thought the situation. I spoke to M as well on my way to the B's. And I talked about it at the B's too. he general consensus that sits comfortably with me is that I need to step back. Develop my friendship with K more and then maybe in the future there might be the possibility of having a friendship with D. I am also aware there is another agenda that is not pure of thought. It is a no go. I still have a pull of "oh but I want...". I just know that it's not appropriate. So what do I do now with regard to having swapped numbers. I will see if he contacts and deal with that at that time I think. 
Another thing I asked about was the right way to make contact with my cousin. Now this was another mind fuck. I had a real yearning to call Nina. She broke the news to me that Uncle Brian died two weeks ago. She had asked my dad to tell me. I spoke with him the Saturday before I went away o holiday and he said nothing. Immediately I realised this I was furious. Over time I've calmed down. Thinking it through it was a blessing really as it would have given me the dilemma of asking the others to return from our holiday early.
I'm really not certain how I'm supposed to feel about Uncle Brian dying. It sounds as if really it was a relief for him in a way. Living in a home, paralysed. Poor Uncle Brian. And Auntie Betty now with dementia. Gosh all the money and nothing has saved them from this. Apparently, according to Nina, Uncle Brian asked Lesley to stay with him as he was afraid. That's so sad that he never found faith amidst all his material world.
How dreadful I feel that I found myself hoping, hoping, hoping that a twinge of something good about him meant that he'd left a little something in his Will for me. How flipping selfish. But also how very human. I am so scared of my financial situation that any way of getting some money is on my mind.
But when I have, for some peculiar reason, detached and distanced from family members. What is it I am meant to feel. My cousin Lisa is dead, my Uncle Brian is dead. I feel strangely very little. I feel sad perhaps? I feel what? What am I meant to say and do?
I asked the B's what they thought I should do. They suggested writing to my cousins, explaining that I was away have just heard the very sad news. I can give them my phone number and invited them to call me.
With regard to my dad. Well I will say something when I am not so mad. Did he and my mum keep things from me when my mum was dying. And I know he was angry with me for not being there and leaving early from her party. I feel dreadful about that as it was really so that I could meet up with SH. I feigned feeling anxious about the numbers of people. My mum's last birthday party. That hurts deep deep inside of me. Tears come to my eyes. I was there to help her with the HR admin thing even though she was high on morphine. And then I was there every day at the hospice. God I truly miss my mum.  I feel so awful that in my illness I brought upon her a lot of worry. I wish that hadn't happened. But I need to be careful not to turn on myself. Not to wallow in anger or self-pity.
So a letter. I need to phone Nina and ask for R, L and N's address. They have their own lives and families so will probably not mind too much about me. It feels important for me to connect. And then there's that horrid little hope of something from the Will. Crazy. Put that right aside.

LouLou is lying on the floor sleeping and wagging her tail in her dream. That makes me smile. That's so important as she is getting older and I'm hating watching that happening. I cannot bear to think of her dying. I don't know how I could deal with her death. I feel fragile around this. She is my constant company here. LouLou is just here and around and I know it. She knows I'm here. This place will feel even worse. Stop projecting. Anything can happen between now and tomorrow.

What a joyful thing. Someone else I've been thinking about a lot has emailed me. My friend R. I haven't heard anything from her in ages. And she sent me this wonderful picture of life itself. My favourite horse of hers Amelie

That's lifted me out of the low mood that was descending, but ever so slightly. There is emotions there of deep sadness.

I think I'm all written out.

Bliss

XX

Was it really that bad?

Putting down food has been so far a remarkable journey. And I thought it was all about body image, for instance weight and size. Or about control, either lack of control and greed or total control and starvation and the use of laxatives. I never really did vomit. But I caned the laxatives. When I discovered them I thought I had found the "answer to all my prayers" as they say around the rooms of AA. I could eat and then the food could be disposed of rapidly. And I mean really at high speed. I found them in my mum's cupboard. I can remember the packet. They've changed the packaging these days and even changed the ingredients, if that's the correct term. It sounds too "foody" maybe, as if they are made of nice combinations when I use the word ingredients. Chemical components perhaps makes it sound more medicinal.  I was using them for something beyond medicinal. The packaging was red and white and long. The pills themselves looked like large red Smarties and had a sweet tasting coating. How old was I? Maybe mid to late teens. My dad and I were going to lakeside, a show my mum had acquired tickets for. It was a man hypnotising the audience. I remember how thrilled and excited my mum was that SE had been so easily hypnotised and how funny it had been. I really wanted to be susceptible but I wasn't. I also recall worrying that people would think I was out with this man and they wouldn't realise he was my dad. I was in a stage of being a yon g woman and wanting to look that part and yet there was this vile relationship with my dad that sickens me now. It was all unsaid. And I didn't want to be looking too provocative with him beside me. This makes the corners of my mouth screw up in discomfort as I'm writing it. It was all inappropriate but also so subtle that it can seem ridiculous of me to be thinking all these sordid, twisted things, as if it was me and my fault all along. I was 17 or 18 now I must have been as SE must have been living and working with my mum, it could even have been later as SE had briefly worked for BA and then somehow got involved with my mum. I hated that she moved into my bedroom and there was a definite link between SE and my mum. My mum did become very close with people that were around my age of similar. I didn't mind so much as it kept her off my back in some ways, which as I was actively involved in behaviours I thought she would disapprove of me, was convenient. You see it's always got to be on my terms. When needy I wanted her 100% and when I was off gallivanting and up to no good, I didn't appreciate her attention and fuss. I think they were her me replacement as I was getting more distant in some ways. I would get very jealous though and reclaim her. I wanted all of her attention. In later years I think I was far more confident that she was there for me in her way.  My mum was away travelling somewhere ("again!", she says resentfully yet also with delight for my mum's sake. I have such a mix of feelings with my mum. I can feel sad, lonely and angry for me but this immediately negated when I think of my mum being happy and wanting her to be OK and enjoying herself). I discovered these laxatives and took a couple. This meant that after I'd eaten the food was disposed of and I felt thin. It felt a if my tummy became concave and there was the wonderful feeling of emptiness. So I'd had the joy of the tastes, anything I wanted as it became and then the glory of being emptied afterwards. The problem was that very soon I needed more than two laxatives and my mum's were all gone before she returned. No one ever noticed or said anything to enquire where the laxatives were. I used to think that my parents really didn't know what was in the house with things like this. I would quietly take things and it would all go by unnoticed or so I thought. I got the impression somehow that I could get away with it. This escalated when I "borrowed" things more often from other people and didn't return their things hoping that they'd forgotten. They too rarely said anything. I did steal things as well. Eek, it's so uncomfortable taking ownership of these things. I was one helluva a mixed up kid which went into adolescence and adult years/. I still smart at the time  stole ML's jeans and also the raincoat from school. I knew I was stealing and then hiding the goods. After ML returned to Paris I boldly wore her jeans until my mum noticed. She never did question me, not really but I know she was suspicious. I'd never her seen that look at me before, almost in suspicious disbelief. What is the word for that, there must be a single word that describes that look as we have such a wonderfully, colourful vocabulary.
Looking in the Thesaurus doesn't always work. How do people learn new words like this?
Sorry, I keep digressing from the main point, a little like Ronnie Corbett, but that's another story entirely. There I go again. Gosh I can remember how my mum laughed at these two. My dad too. But my mum would repeatedly laugh about little Ronnie's dancing legs. That tickled her.
What was the point I was writing about? Oh yes, perhaps I need to unwind backwards as I have digressed far from starting point. So to tell a little more about the laxatives. I think the start of taking the laxatives was like a very fine silk veil falling softly over me, almost unnoticed apart from what seemed like the benefits of being able to eat and knowing that I could keep control of my weight. Have my cake and eat it sort of thing. I used laxatives off and on from then. Sometimes more off than on for lengthy periods. Mainly in the beginning the use of laxatives worked as a bridge between overeating to get me into starvation. It worked because I'd start to feel thinner immediately and so I'd gain control over the eating, reducing and reducing intake. It's as if the feeling of emptiness was so, so wonderful that I could sustain it easier with every day. And of course I could then sustain that in reality for only a limited period of time before the food intake would start creeping up. But to begin with I wouldn't put on any weight or only very gradually. It gave a false sense of security that I could eat and stay thin. How I envied those types that were stick thin and fragile, bony looking types who cold look quite pathetic in the cold. Do you know the sort I mean? But I loved that look, there seemed something helpless about them that needed looking after. And people did seem to or maybe that was in my imagination. I wanted to be a little girl that people attended to. I wonder if that is connected with the absence of my mum from quite young. I can't quite remember how young I was but have a feeling it was from about 7 and 1/2 when we first moved to Farnham, 1977. I seem to recall my mum working part time for a while but soon got into the longer days. I would come home from school and she would leave a tray of things for me to eat. I also know that it wasn't long before I'd root around for more fodder. I think it was loneliness and boredom. But again I wanted my mum to be happy and she seemed so happy being at work. She was a somebody and she thrived on that. I can see that.
So the veil landed in the use of food to feed the emptiness in the house and absence of my mum. Then the laxatives fulfilled the need to be slim because after all my mum was always dieting and my dad was unpleasant about size. It was particularly difficult as I was going into late teenage years and changing shape. This coincided with my dad noticing my different shapes evident by his derogatory comments, his inappropriate sexual attention of course, and disparaging remarks towards my mum or anyone overweight. I should mention that he also has had a problem with his weight, shape and size, so I've no doubt today that his issues were more with himself but turned outwards and projected on to everyone else. However, understanding that does not make it forgivable especially as he has never before considered he may be the problem. Well I say that with the memory of saying "it's all my fault" when I was in the P Hospital. And also telling me at various stages of my life that he should never have had children. I have internalised that as him not wanting me specifically. I have learnt that it's not personal but of course it lands personally because he doesn't know how not to make it personal. He does not have that self awareness or discipline.
I'd love to be writing this as a piece of fictional literature, turning into a fascinating web of fictional story telling. But I think it;s just a need to empty myself of all of these thoughts and memories.
I am still not back to the main points but wish to continue with the realisations I am having regarding laxatives. I have sort of flash memories only of the progression of my use of laxatives. I recall when living with AV in Ealing I was using laxatives heavily. He enjoyed photography and was taking some photos of me in a very, very short leather skirt that I could only wear when very thin. It was not only short but tight fitting and I thought it was essential to be able to see my hip bones through the leather. The shoot was of the skirt and my legs in stockings and wearing very high heels, inspired by Tina Turners album cover. What is the album name?  Ah of course, Private Dancer. I was using a lot of laxatives by this time. I mean strips and strips per day. I think there were 16 pills or more to a strip. Anyway whilst he was taking photos, a pain that had been niggling in my back to the side became excruciating. I thought I was dying it was so bad. I can still recall the pain today which I find fascinating that physical pain can still be remembered. Especially when reference is made regularly to the fact that women tend to forget the pain of childbirth. Anyhow, AV rushed me to A&E. Oh my gosh I remember them asking me if I was pregnant. I wasn't entirely sure and hoped not so when they asked and I thought the x-ray could be a way for any pregnancy to abort, I said "no". They x-rayed me and I recall seeing them looking at my x-ray pointing, thinking they could see a baby. Anyway, the pain was a kidney stone. They said they had no idea how I had a kidney stone but I truly felt deep within me, something intuitive, that it was linked with my use of laxatives. I have a firm belief about that. But of course I often don't trust instincts because I also am so uncertainty hat my thoughts, memories and feelings are real. Which is a point I wanted to write about. But to finish the story of the laxatives. I remember sitting on a paper mache potty on a table with a gauze over the op. They wanted me to pass water because apparently the stone was on the move, hence the agony I was in. These must be muddled memories because it surely couldn't be that simple that I went to the toilet, they caught the stone, the pain diminished and all was well. Apart from cystitis which they attributed to the stone and a kidney infection caused by the stone grazing my kidney. That's how I remember it. I wonder if that's how and what it was actually? Oh I think I remember this hospital bed with the potty on top and me on top of the potty also being in a sort of passing way for doctors and nurses, albeit a curtain was around me. I could see them walking by so they could surely see me perched there.
Another occasion of which I am deeply disgusted involved the very peculiar but regular as clockwork overnighting weekends with DG. I travelled from my annexe at my parents to DG's mother and step-father's, the gorgeous S & T. S would regularly comment about the need for extra toilet rolls as I would be there. I spent so much time in the toilet as there were always sumptuous meals, especially apple pies and custard etc. Of course, laxatives work to a point or so I believe. They can rid of the food but I hated the idea that the quantities with which I ate meant that sugar and carbs would be seeping into my system because there were so many. I took more and more laxatives to try and counter that possibility. I think my weight did increase. Anyway, DG and I would sleep on the settee. That's where he slept. It was a very tortuous relationship. He was pretty damned cold all of the time. We had sex on that settee, the settee where the parents would be sitting the following day. I had used so many laxatives and knew that I was waiting for the emptying but couldn't tell him of course. It was always secret!! But during sex suddenly the release occurred. Oh my gosh, it was embarrassing. I can't tell you how I just wanted the ground to open. And he was desperately clearing up with me because of his worry about his parents hone. Oh wow this is such a horrible memory. It's so horrible I am slightly detached from it, writing it as fact more than emotionally.
There had already been increasingly occasions when I was living in Aylesbury, in my lovely little flat, that I was losing the ability to time the feeling of the emptying approaching and getting to the toilet. And there is an interesting connection, I loved that feeling as it approached emptying time. It was painful and the holding in was all a part of the pleasant yet uncomfortable feeling. And there are parallels of this when I was little. I never wanted to release the "poos". I wold hold on and hold on liking the pain. This resulted in a lot of soiled knickers for which I was told off regularly but never did anything to change it. Neither did anyone ever try to understand the problem. It was a problem and I make links of this with sexual behaviours with my dad. I have no clear link but something coincides.
So the veil handed landed but it wasn't think enough, so more and more laxative veils kept landing as the use augmented. But it wasn't enough. And of course alcohol and drugs helped with the other very potent layer of men and sexual relationships. I was so terribly shy not to mention lacking in any belief that I was attractive or would be attractive to me. If a man paid me any attention at all I was so grateful I gave of myself utterly. He could possess me. But of course, after a period of time the control I had given over became a prison to me and eventually I would start emerging in the shape of rebellion and the desperate need to escape. Relationships after relationship went this way. even right up until the most recent one with JH and all the complete handing over of self. But I couldn't deal with the mistrust, which was also inevitable. How could a man playing such games be entirely trustworthy. I do not blame him at all or hold any resentment anymore. There is in me a "need" like a child for him to love me, like the daughter in me wanting him to think I am a good girl and he will love me after all. There is still the "fucked upness" over the role play and the neediness confused with love and adoration. I will not enter that game for today. This is relevant as he plans a visit to the UK in August, luckily with his kids. I am tempted to suggest we meet but know that it is not healthy for me. The irregular contact has tinges of something for me and continue heartache that he doesn't declare his love for me. It is so similar to my dad situation. An abusive situation with both and yet wanting, wanting their approval and love. Grr at me for being so messed up. I'm not suggesting JH is an abuser or not. No, no I am not making judgement on that. It is me that creates this in me and people fit the role.
It's 10:00 and I need to get on with some cleaning but I still haven't got to the point I wanted to write about. I will get a drink and return to write until 10:30 max.
OK. The kettle is filled with water and switched on to work it's way to boiling the water. Or the short version of that is the kettle is on.
I think I'm ready. That statement in itself maybe something relevant in that I needed to clear the way to start expressing recent revelations. It's true really because as the food is no longer being used, laxatives and alcohol and drugs went some time ago. And actually acting out with men stopped 2 years ago. And with all of that clarity is stirring me from all directions. Everyday is now the lessons that i was ignoring before. I am a late started as a result. Probably things I would have been learning about myself in my late teens and early twenties and so on.
What I am aware of is this need to feel vindicated. But I'm not sure that is entirely the process. Let me try and explain using the situation from yesterday. Well it started a few days ago, although overall it really started in January but hey that would just one big winding journey and I've touched on snippets of it through the year to date. L has been in a bad mood for a few days. To quantify that, a worse mood. She was picking on me over the preceding days but yesterday both S and I were in for it. Nothing we can do is right at the moment. I'm on holiday from work now for a week. So it helps to download this here and leave it behind as I set off with my friends tomorrow morning. Anyway, all sorts of things were going wrong for her. Finally, she realises she needs to let go of the clinical work and get on with the more managerial tasks she is being delegated. It must be horrid as she is getting further away from what she actually wants to do. One of the reasons I didn't want to do that job. She ha been determined to both and working late as a result. I am pretty certain she gets resentful that Sh and I generally get out of the door as close as we can to the end of our paid hours. After all it's hardly as if we a re rewarded or thanked by the P. Not a good company to work for. I have no shame in writing that in my personal writings. I would not advertise it by speaking broadly but if people come across this so be it. It's the truth. They pay us a wage. It's barely covering my bills but partly that's my choice for living so far from my work place, petrol costs are high. However, we have not had pay increases and sickness is deducted. They have generously given me a study day per month. Not something they have to do when all training is cut. Only special applications will be considered and not many of those. So all in all there is little investment in staff except to get on with a high work load which has been increasing under L's overwork ethic.
So yesterday S and I covered the clinical work. This was amazing that she was letting go. However, we returned to the office and she was despairing. She has so much on. A few time during the year I've mentioned this or that that might need doing only to be battered. Gradually I learnt to step back. Letting go of my need to control. Instead I've been learning and practising little by little to observe. And now it's turning crazy. She was very stressed and whilst I was sitting with my back to her on the computer she said in a funnyish tone that she wanted to throw something and then said "this!" as she violently threw a metal stapler against the cupboard door right next to me. It made such a loud bang. It was frightening. S made a comment about feeling frightened. I was remarkably calm. Am I just so used to such outbursts. I must say there are many similarities with my dad. Anyway, this is the situation. S said it was out of order and wanted to leave the office. S said she needed to calm and get a grip. She had previously been crying and wasn't wanting to take any action to change things in herself. All she could do was continue to say how bad everything was (don't I know I do that myself??). Sounds familiar to me. I asked what she wanted to do and she could only say what she wanted to change outside of her. Hence I had got on with the computer stuff. Everything is a rush so we have little time to process anything that is going on within the office dynamics. That's when the stapler flew. She wouldn't even take a momentary break just to level herself. Not my business.
The point of this for me is that I noticed her sort of funnyish tone. But the action wasn't funny. So I minimised the reality of what happened and yet slowly was aware that it had been a very violent and dangerous thing to do. Nothing untoward happened but that's not really the point is it? I am not sure. But then it was also an example to express dramatically to make people that I speak to realise how extreme things can be. I still don't really know if it's really that bad or not. IN my mind I've normalised it and yet dramatised it all int he same breath. Can that happen? What is this that happens? And yet the drama bit of the situation and within me is the part that says to everyone "See? I'm not crazy and over dramatising". Similarly, with my dad I think everyone will think it's just me being over dramatic and nothing is really that bad. I think everything from younger years was minimised and subdued. I was subdued by them. My dad would do things and never, ever mention it again. My mum would always say it's never as bad as I thought. Oh not about my dad, I don't think she could have known. I really don't actually.
So what is this process I go through of not trusting my own self and not even reacting to somethings until afterwards. It's a part of this suppressing within me. At the time it's not bad and then afterwards it hits me full impact. Same with deaths. At the time I think it's like a traumatised shock, little reaction and then afterwards dramatised fall out. Is that what's happening, a sort of shut down?
But then this is used to get people to see me and see the situation. It's all peculiar.
So realising this doesn't mean I've hit upon the answer. It's a little surprising realisation and to be observed in itself. So this is the way I am. No judgement, goo or bad. It i itself could be me looking for vindication that I am "fucked up". I already know that but it's like I want everyone to know it too. Why? There is nothing more anyone can do. I simply want to be seen for the way I am I suppose.

OK well it's way beyond 10:30, it's nearly 11:00 and little is achieved apart from a cleaned bathroom and slightly cleaned kitchen. There is a lot of tidying and hoovering and shopping and then dropping Looby Lou off. She is sleeping soundly beside me. I love that as she often takes herself off alone these days. At one time she would only ever be beside me day and night. Yep! She slept with me but no more. I wonder why? IN my mind I've neglected her so much that she no longer wants to be near me. She is close with GB but after all she spends every working day there and for 3 1/2 months whilst I was in Spain she lived there 24/7. And then there are the holidays away from her. She is there more hours  than not. I love LouLou and hate seeing her getting old.
I hate that when I was man chasing I left her alone for hours. This was a period from October 1996 for maybe a month or more. Yuch! How could I have done that to her knowing she was such a me dog. It was cruelty.
I feel so sad and sorry for that and glad therefore that she feels safe and secure with GB.

Well any readers I'd be interested to know what your thoughts on my writings here....

Bliss
XX

Jars and tunes

All music jars when the soul is out of tune - Miguel de Cervantes
The author of Don Quixote - which I have never read!

It's my mum and dad's wedding anniversary today. I have only just remembered. I wonder what is going through my dad's thoughts on this day. With his current wife unwell and in memory of getting married to my mum. I so miss her. I wonder what she would be thinking from Heaven on this day. I think she would be concerned about me but happier than she ever used to be. I know she wanted grandchildren I expect she would be sad to see me on my own too. Perhaps she would understand now with the full picture available to her. I am sure she would be relieved that there is some sort of reconciliation between my dad and I even if it is not how I would hope it to be. It is certaily improvement. I am more forgiving of the past.

I read this and have a fuller understanding of it ...
Being human, there comes a time when I can't seem to do anything right. I'm out of whack and irritable. I don't want to do the basic things I know from past evidence that help me or talk to anyone. I feel I need relief, maybe a little snack, a drink, a flirt, a search through the Internet or something else as a distraction...
Am I still trying to prove that, like others, that I can occasionally eat, drink, drug, escape just for pelasure, for a pick-me-up or to pass the time? Do I really believe that I can handle such behaviours?
When I'm out of sorts and think of such behaviours, it is natures way of telling me I ned to make healthy choices and take action - fast!
Just for today - Thinking of "using" in any form is not simply having pleasure. I can't do anything about my thoughts, but I certainly can go to a meeting, call my sponsor, read prgramme literature or say the Serenity Prayer.

Bliss
XX

10 Years!

Yesterday I achieved 10 years without a drink of alcohol or use of any narcotics or addictive mind altering meds.
When I started going along to AA and NA and attending treatment, I didn't sign up for 10 years abstinence. But it's been an incredible journey thus far and I have absolutely no regrets! Nope none at all.
It hasn't been easy but when I pick up the simplicity suddenly it is very serene. And in recent moths I have discovered something even higher. It is wonderful. There are no words just as I sit and write this that fully describe what "it" is that I feel I have right now. Like everything, it can pass.
No I have no regrets. But I am a mere baby at recovery, especially looking at the full extent of escape routes from reality. So I continue to take it one day at a time and find gratitude in every little thing. There is a part of me too that would love to be a social user, with no consequences. if that were guaranteed well maybe I would but if it meant losing what I have today I would not wish to take that risk.

Yesterday was actually a selected date as I cannot recall exactly when I had my last drink and drug. However I know for sure that on the 25 Sep 2001, I had not had a single drop of either pass my lips.
Sadly this anniversary also reminds me that in November of the same year my mum died. I was not sober of mind enough to have been fully present in the period leading up to her death. other addictive behaviours were at play without me even realising it. I was I think manic too, now that I am reflecting on this with new information.
I do regret that. I was there but not fully. There was her birthday in which I skedaddled before the actual event. I am so very very remorseful. I understand more now but that does not change what happened. I feel so sad and grieve the loss of my lovely mum. And now 10 years later little Lisa is dead too.
If the soul lives on somewhere beyond life as I know it, then I hope my mum will show Lisa the way and that they can rejoice in that place called Heaven wherever that may be. Maybe Heaven is simply in my heart. And there they reside together with all the other loved ones that have died and I miss immensely. I carry them with me and all I have to do is think of them.

Well done me for the great path I chose to follow that day in 2001. It was a long time choosing with a few meanderings on the moors and through the trees. And it's been uphill and  down dale, winding and circling and always, always interesting. Along the path I have met and travelled further with some people who are still walking along with me. There are those that have joined the path and then moved off in a different direction. Others turned back from whence I came. I am curious about what happens next. I do know though that so long as I keep stepping life will happen and I don't need anything to act as an escape. It's an ongoing adventure full of joy.
Trudging the path to happy destiny

Bliss
XX

The scandal of the scallywag

Gosh this title deserves a real good storyline and all I can say is pretty mundane - tame.
I heard on The Archers "love never dies". I felt my mum descend over me. I felt warm and loved and also sad.
I was intrigued by a postcard I found and pinned it to the noticeboard by my desk. That was 2 years ago now. It was colorful, pinks and playful splatters of other colours, but the essence of the picture seemed to me to be quite dark. Just a couple of days ago I once again noticed the card. I was talking on the phone and it seemed to come into my vision, noticeably so. I thought of HD. And closely followed by D.
Today, PD turned to speak to me and noticed the card. He commented on it, particularly noticing the dark topic of it. He asked who had sent it. I told him how I had cleared up HD's mess when I took over the desk. I did that with fondness at the time. I don't remember having ever read the card.
Jokingly I remarked to PD that it was likely to be from D. We both looked at each other wide-eyed. I took down the card. Sure enough. The word love was crossed out. I wonder who was grooming who in some ways.? However, it made reference to matters that were occurring long before I actually joined the situation and we could easily see that matters were out of hand earlier than we had been led to believe.
The evidence was sitting there looking directly at me everyday. I was cautious not to get HD in trouble when I spoke with the police. And ever since  found about the other situation from long before, I have been angry that I was sucked into the madness and danger but as a complete enabler! Shit! Such a  vulnerable girl, such a vulnerable guy. Such flipping sickness amongst them. I am scared for D. I am scared for HD too but he has more experience of survival in some ways. D has every reason to want to escape living on life's terms. And now even more reason. I fear she will be using with him. What a tragic journey lies ahead.

I spoke with JH this evening. We talked about the whys and wherefores of going and not going to the USA & God knows I would like nothing more. The circumstances though - if we were merely friends and settled into that it would be great. Very easy indeed to have fun and just travel together. If we were lovers without the blocks there are it would be even greater. Fun and loving, adventure and experiencing. As it is I would not feel right just being there all that time not being able to touch and hold hands or cuddle up. And then if we did we would have to break up all over again. I don't think I could take it too well. It hurts enough as it is. I need some time to heal this gaping wound.
If only ....... but that is not helpful thinking. The situation is as it is.
Every time I ask certain questions I hope it has miraculously changed but I know of course it cannot. Things have to run their course and this means me being able to let go. Let go, let go, let go. If I let go then the healing is taking lace. As soon as I take it all back into my hands then the pain is there just as strong as ever. It will heal with time.
JH and I have been great together. Universe it was just bad timin' for what seemed like might be a possible wonderfully loving relationship. The timin' of course was perfect for something and that I just cannot see right now.
If JH has gained any clarity for himself to heal a little more of the things in him that have been damaged - well then that is enough is purpose enough. And I have seem and experienced things that a extremely helpful and encouraging to me too.
Then I know that it's not bad timin' at all = it is the way it is and that's all. Universe does not do anything to punish or purposely cause pain. Life presents itself just as it does. Maybe there is a purpose to it all and I am wrong. However, people all around the world are encountering life - It's all about the journey.

I am falling asleep now and need to work tomorrow
Good night
Bliss
XXX

Flying home to soul

"Some have a style
That they work hard to refine
So they walk a crooked line
But she won't understand
Why anyone would have to try
...To walk a line when they could fly" - The Bangles

I read this on another persons Blog - a person who once commented on my own in passing. I have read about her sadness and her loss and her daily song.
She hasn't written for a while and I somehow am missing her. I don't know her. I don;t know what it is to lose a sister but I do know what it is to lose a precious person. I miss my mum.
Just the other day I was driving home. I can't remember what it was that triggered the thought ut something I felt pleased about. I thought if my mum were alive I would call her and have a chat with her. In a instant I thought I will call my mum and an image of her flashed before me. And tehn I remembered again that she was dead.
This was al in a matter of very quick moments. I lurched forward over my steering wheel and sobbed with the pain of my loss of my mum. She was a remarkable woman. Very fey. Livlier than life itself. Gosh she was very present whenever she was in the room.
I am not sure what she would make of my life now. No longer the high flying executive. I am not the way I think she thought I should be. I always was this person I think - and it's as if I am flying home to be with me.
I have wings and I am flying.


Blissxx

Morning after

I cried a lot last night. Not just for Russell but for all the other addicts whose lives are snuffed out. It's not about the choice not to use drugs or alcohol but the lack of choice - the emotions that seem so difficult to deal with.
I felt very very bleak and black last night. Not so much this morning. This morning I am in disbelief about Russell. I remember feeling that with every single addict that has died since I've been working with addiction too. S just before Christmas. The same thing. I keep picturing them dead. It's possibly a way to make it more real. Because, of course, I won't be at Russell's funeral. I didn't know him that well really. I kne him and chatted to him if I was at a meeting or saw him in passing but I wasn't a friend of his nor he mine. So they only way to get to grips is to picture him dead. It might seem weird to others. I think it's a tactic, maybe it's just torture.
I did want to use last night though. I wanted to be dead too. That is such an easy corner to skulk off to.

I remember with my mum, when she first died, that it would suddenly hit me that she had died. It seemed like I would forget every few minutes and the pain when I remembered was just like a knife cutting through my heart. Phew emotional pain has got to be the worst for me.
I still miss Frank. He died, wow, in 1986 or 1987? Can't quite remember, oh no it was 1986 or 1987 that I finally found out and his mother told me he had died 2 years earlier. osh I still can't believe he is dead.
I find loss through death painful. I find loss of living people difficult too.

In this country it's all so tabboo to talk about it aswell. When women wail in areas like the Middle East or there is grieving like the older Europeans do with the curtains of the homes closed and wearing black and openly crying, I think it is so much healthier. We are all going to die. I prefer to talk about the peson that has died and express my feelings. I wouldn't have said this before though. So I must let go of the anger that I am arousing about this. The anger is certainly linked to something else, perhaps the futile death of someone so young having died. I am angry with Russell for dying. Bloody hell Russell!

I was about to start writing knowing that I have a little audience of one - hello if you are reading - and it would have been all intellectual nonsense. The trouble is I can let ego take over and write from my head instead of my heart. That's nothing to do with the reader/s. It's to do with my ego.
I posited the question to a few people about how they manage their ego. Only one person has responded saying let's talk. Ha! I will see her tomorrow so I will see if we can instigate a conversation about ego. It's taken a while for me to even get a little understanding about ego. I have looked up the word so many times.
I experienced it though this last week. It's quite sneaky.
Having recieved these messages via FRU from my first husbands third wife - already sounds damned complicated doesn't it? - I interpreted from what she was saying that M had really really been hurt by my leaving. What's worse and I had never been sure, he blames me for being so "moody" with the following wives/partners because I had affairs. I had never been sure that he knew I was having an affair. I was 21 he was 24/25. The marriage was such a messy nonsense. We were separated after 3 months. I am going into justification now. I am not at all proud of behaving in such a hurtful way. I have always known I hurt him. I would love to be able to remove that hurt. I have felt such shame through the years for my behaviours.
I am much much more aware these days. I can see how bloody fucked up my notion of love and sex etc is. With such low self esteem the only way I knew how to relate to men was sexually and yet if they wanted sex it meant that they were torturing me. Sex with strangers -easy! Sex with someone I want to love and cherish me - bastard! I have felt so horrid that I have felt like really hurting that person physically.Ugh I can feel that disgust and angst even now.
Well I would like the opportunity to say to M how deeply sorry I am for my behaviour. I want to tell him that it's a pity that the work I have done to date started so late and too late not to cause harm to him and others. BY this blog I put it into the Universe that I am truly truly sorry. And I hope that with my self awareness and continuing work on myself I will not intentionally cause such harm again.
Sorry.