Frexting

A text response to a response with M .. not sent as I thought better of it. Texts can be so misunderstood.

The you you you is shared with me me me time - in my opinion it is a two-way thing so I never need an apology. Actually it's part of our interaction and equality. Sometimes it might be a bit more me me me and other times you you you. Sometimes I feel disappointed or frustrated when I don't get to finish my what I'm saying. And i notice how often I do it - start immediately relating to something similar. At the same time don't stop sharing when you relate because its always valid. ill just try to say "i just need to finish what I was saying" or something like that. But that's minimal compared to the inter communication. I value your opinion - don't always like it but it is rare for me not to agree. And you sharing often gives me insight into myself. So you really do not need to apologise. It's not selfish as I interpret your "me me me" to suggest. Maybe I've misinterpreted that. And by the way it took enormous courage to say about my disappointment and I may have said it clumsily - I am such a fearful person. Practicing expressing my thoughts I suppose. Also think oh no this isn't the right format or time to say all of this. So you know what I won't. Ill save this and remember to interject when it happens and try to keep it light and breezy.
Bliss
XX

The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde

Gosh! What a story. Why is it that when a loyal friend dies it is heart breaking?
I would like to tell you this story. I will only be summarising it.
A swallow fell in love with a reed. And all Summer amidst his fellow peers, he courted the reed. Flying low over the water and creating silvery circles with a light touch of his wing.
It soon became time for the swallows to move to warmer climates and his friends encouraged the swallow to travel to Egypt with them. But he was in love with the reed and said that he would stay with her.
As time passed he became tired of the reed accusing her of being a coquette ad flirting constantly with the wind. He was also bored as she did not speak with him and share ideas. Ad so he decided to set off to join his fellows in Egypt.
As the night feel he decided to settle on a ridge to sleep and just as he was tucking his head under his wing a drop of water fell on him. He was perturbed, looking at the clear night sky and bright stars wondering how it could be raining and so tried to settle again. He felt another drop of water and complained about the pointlessness of a statue that didn't shelter him from the rain. And when he looked up what did he see there. The statue of the Happy prince was crying from his sapphire eyes.
H stated his complaint to the Happy Prince who explained that he had been living in a beautiful palace with his family where sorrow wasn't permitted and so he was named the Happy Prince. The Happy Prince recounted " and happy indeed I was if pleasure be happiness. And so I lived and so I died. And now they have set my up here high above the city so that I can all the ugliness and misery ...". (This suddenly gave a different sense of what contributes to happiness - happiness includes taking pleasure from things but is not exclusive to this). As a statue he said that he could see sorrow even with his heart of lead. When he died the courtiers set him up on these high pillars in all splendour of jewels and gold to commemorate the Happy Prince. His eyes had been turned to sapphires and his clothes were a splendour of gold. His gold leafed sword hung from his belt and was studded with the most beautiful ruby brought from India.
The Happy Prince told the swallow about a very poor, sad woman who's son was very ill with fever and crying for oranges but all his mother could bring him was water. He asked the swallow to remove the ruby from his sword and take it to the woman so that she can afford to buy oranges to help her weeping son. At first the swallow resisted the request saying that he needed to rest as he was going to Egypt tomorrow. The Happy Prince asked him to stay just one night and help him with this task. The swallow conceded and did as the Happy prince asked.
Of course the woman was overjoyed and thankful. The swallow returned to the Happy prince and said how on this cool evening he suddenly felt very warm and joyful in his heart. (And of course this is another contributory factor in finding happiness). The swallow was curious about his warmth and the Happy Prince said it was because he'd done a good action.
Each evening this went on, with The Happy Prince asking the swallow to deliver various jewels from him and deliver to people in need. Each time the swallow resisted slightly but agreed to stay one more night.
He flew around the city and was recognised as a very distinguished visitor and felt good about this.
There was a student in his garret unable to finish a play but was too cold too write and he was so hungry he felt faint. The swallow with his good heart agreed to stay just one more night. The Happy Prince asked him to take one of his sapphire eyes. The swallow delivered the sapphire and the student believed that someone was beginning to appreciate his work and now he could make a fire and complete his play.
The next evening asking the swallow to stay one more night. The swallow complained that it was winter and too cold. The Happy Prince talked of a little match girl in the square. She has dropped her matches and this will mean her father will beat her and there was no food. The swallow didn't want to take his last sapphire as the Happy prince would then be quite blind. However the Happy prince insisted and so the swallow did as he was bid.
Returning to the Prince he said he would stay with him always as the Prince was now blind. He sat by day telling the prince of his stories of his travels. The Prince asked him to fly over the city and tell him what he saw. He saw the rich making money whilst the poor sat at the gates starving and he saw black corners with the listless hungry looking out at the streets.
Under the archway of a bridge too little boys lay together trying to keep each other warm. The watchman turfed them away. He told the Prince who said the swallow must take off leaf by the leaf the covering on him. The happy prince became quite dull and grey. The poor became rosier and were no longer hungry.
With the cold and the frost coming the swallow grew colder and colder and tried to keep warm by flapping his wings. He knew he was going to die but had enough strength to fly up to the Prince to say goodbye. The Prince though he meant to go to Egypt. The prince asked him to kiss him on the lips for he loved him.
He said he was dying and that death was the brother of sleep.
There was then the sound of a curious crack and the fact was that the leadened heart of the prince had broken and snapped in two.
The mayor was in the square below the next morning. As he looked up at the statue he remarked on how shabby the Happy prince looked - in fact he is little better than a beggar. And he saw that there was a dead bird at his feet proclaiming that birds should no longer be allowed to die here.
The professor at the university said that as he was no longer beautiful he was no longer useful.
So they decided to put the statue in a furnace and decided what was to be done with the metal. The mayor said that they should replace the statue with a statue of himself.
What a strange thing - the broken lead heart would not melt in the furnace and threw it on a dust heap where the dead bird was lying.
God said to his angels bring me the most precious things in the city. The angels brought him the leaden heart and the dead bird.
God said that in his garden of paradise the little bird shall sing forever more and in the city of gold the Happy prince shall praise me.



G talked about this fairy tale and also the Selfish Giant both by Oscar Wilde. G is quite an extraordinary man and is interesting to talk with. I like it when people can introduce me to new things. He told me that when he read this he cried. I cried in my heart although not actually tears. I can feel the pain just as I did with the Velveteen Rabbit, That connectedness of love between tow unlikely beings. And the injustice of death and loss. It seems so unfair when they had bonded through adversity.
But more than this I can see in this story ways in which happiness is an action from within. Doing things despite oneself and because one can. Doing things for other people and bringing joy to them. Taking care of others when there are so many that cannot or will not. All that kindness and generosity and love. And yet there are so many striving for happiness through pomp and self gain. They appear happy and untroubled but I think they are blinded by their "things" and their ego. They cannot see beneath the surface of themselves and their leadened hearts.
It is heartening that God takes them into the garden of Paradise. And by this I don't know if there is such a place. If it is actual or not. But what I do know is that they died with true happiness, with love and achievement and fulfilment.
I was wondering what it is in me that I feel so sad for their passing. The Happy Prince died with a broken heart. The swallow died for his love of the Prince. is that just the way of things? I suppose it is. His time was up. But I'm thinking that if he'd gone to Egypt sooner he would have lived longer. But in living longer he would have missed out of the happiness of togetherness and love with the prince and the warmth of heart in doing good things for people in need. He would not have shared his experiences and memories like he did with the Prince. I can see that the happiness is there and is a culmination of many things. But that sadness that I feel? Ad the fact that people who are taking and have things even live longer, it all seems so unjust. Yet those people never get a to feel the way the swallow and the Prince felt. They can often by-pass those beautiful soulful things.
It's a battle and it's the battle I've had for a long time. Reconciling that sense of injustice, why bad things happen to good people and vice versa it seems. It's a lifelong project to make sense of and I probably never will until I die.
It is how it is.

Then there is the issue of G. I have enjoyed mulling over ideas. I am uncertain as to his motives and perhaps I need to be clear about my motives rather than concerning myself with what he is wanting or not. I can get easily sucked into the excitment of attention. And I need totake stock of this. Three have been the texts and now this has progressed to phone calls and they are late at night and lengthy. So we are simply mulling over ideas and that's very likely all it is for him. However for me it can mean anything. And this I need to be aware of. It creates unmanageability as well. One, there is the wondering and that in itself causes problems of not telling people that I am wondering because in fact I do not fancy him for what he presents overall. I can see he was probably once an attractive man but today he has a well lived in face and one tired from drinking and angst. Two, his financial situation is not at all sound. Three, his sense of self care shows thourhg his standard of dressing, i.e. dirty old trainers. That may sound fickle but he doesn't present himself as someone who is taking care of himself. However, to get to know as a friend is OK. Within that I need to be boundaried. I cannot talk for hours late into the night. Unlike him I do work and do have studies and need to sleep. I cannot spend hours ad hours chatting as much as I'd like to. I also am not in any way wanting any kind of relationship. So I need to be better around this. If I cannot tell people then I muct not do it.
So from now on how do I set boundaries God without being rude and rejecting him especially as he said that the slightest glance away would be received by him as rejection of him. I want to be thoughtful and that would have meant knowing this in the first place.
He has been in fellowship about 25 years and when I asked how long without drink, he said he struggled for many of them. I understood this to mean drinking and when I asked how long he said 24 3/4. So now I don't know how long he has actually been abstinent and there are times when I wondered if he'd had a drink.
He has been very honest with me abnout events and behaviours within his life and within his drinking and that is something I feel very honoured to have heard. I do not want to create a bad feeling and yet I need to be boundaried.
Please God can you guide me here for the best of me and my well-being and for him and his well-being.
Thank you God. I trust you will show me how from a position of love and compassion.

You know what is attractive about him? His depth of thought, his openness to discuss these sorts of things, the way he draws from little things like films and fairy tales (it appears that he is a man with emotional awareness then), his obvious intelligence, his wit and his laugh. These things are the things that I am drawn to in him. They are there and very real but they are all it is. I need to keep that realistic otherwise I can end up sucked into something blinded by these few things without seeing the bigger picture. And then I feel ashamed of the person because I am ashamed of my selection. I feel ashamed for what I choose that is not good enough for me.
Does that make sense?
It's not the person I'm ashamed of at all. I make no judgement on the person and all those things pale into insignificance anyway so long as I keep in mind that I am not enetering into anything more than friendship.
Of course I make a judgement on what is OK for me but not in a judgement as in right or wrong of them. Am I amking that clear? I probably need some clarification with other people. I know what I mean. I hope someone else will understand me. I do not crticise any individual in my judgement, it is merely of what meets with my own needs and principles that I am judging on.
It wasn't like that in the past though.

Bliss
XX



 

Soulful striving

It is my job to strive for the soulful things; honesty, graciousness, mindfulness, kindness, goodness, love, willingness, openness, wisdom. Please God help me to achieve this soulfulness and to hand over my self will and the desire for material and self gain. Please help me to share these soulful things in a way that is doing the best for kin and all mankind. That is what my soul desires.
Life without purpose is futile. I pray that I may find the good life worth striving for.

It is God sent that I have this morning to relax a little. It is extra to curriculum due to getting a puncture yesterday. It is does not come free of charge. For weeks now I have been aware that I need new tyres and yesterday God gave me a puncture. Not directly I realise, God doesn't do things that way I am sure. But this was a reminder before anything seriously awful happened. I begrudge spending out on these things you see and postpone in favour of personal pursuits and desires. So thank you God for the least dangerous reminder. And this morning L very kindly allowed me to get into work late so that I can get the tyres sorted out. I just now am waiting until 8 am so that i can phone A.D.D Tyres in Bordon. They were very good to me before and I am hoping they can fit new tyres this morning and not be hugely expensive. I am very grateful though to have been  putting funds away each month so that I can actually afford to replace all 5 (inc spare) if so required. I think they do all need replacing. It's got to be over a year since I replaced them. My car needs servicing too but I won't be able to afford that this month. I hope I've got a lot of extra pay in this months salary. I was begrudging paying it out on a car because it's been my Norway trip fund. I hope not to have to delve into my Paris trip fund. I hope that will be around Feb latest. Although it's probably better to go in April. That would give more time to save up.
I think my dad must be in hospital. he said he was having to go back in and didn't know whether he'd have to stay or not. I suspect he did know. I tried calling at about 21:30 and there was no answer. I left a message. I wonder if he did give my number to his neighbours. He said he would but .....
I will try calling his mobile this morning. And I will also see if I can book to have my hair cut on Saturday. What I'd really like to do is get the accreditation document finished this weekend and then get it approved by my supervisor and eventually submitted before 1 Sep when OU re-starts. This time Applied Psychology. I am just not ready for the discipline required. I need to alter my mindset. I think I will have to work all day Saturday and the mornings on Sunday. And have Sunday afternoon as relaxation time after the AWOL. If I read in the mornings all the information gets lost with the day filtering into the memory banks. It rubs out anything I've read.
As soon as I start thinking of other things after reading I forget what the points were.
I also realise I learn by experiencing. I think this may be very basic learning. I am not so cranial. But when I get real examples then it seems to truly get into the memory banks. Experiencing something seems to really be the best way.
I even forgot though in my first share last evening at AA after 90 days in FA of not sharing, to talk about love as connectedness. I think I was born with this isolation tendency. And circumstances probably enhanced it. Being an only child made it and makes it easy to feel lonesome, and I don't mean lonely. But the lonesome can quickly create loneliness and a feeling of being unlovable and unloved. I know it's not limited to single children though as many people with varying numbers of siblings and closeness can still feel that isolation. But what i am experiencing is a connectedness through fellowship. The calls are indicators of love. Even though the connections can be difficult or easy depending on individuals, I feel a love. I love the programme. I am so grateful to God for bringing me this programme and helping to rouse the willingness in me.
It is glorious. I have been troubled at work for example and now I am less troubled. Trusting in my sponsor and the programme and gradually becoming more willing to do what is suggested, it's all got me to being a different and improved version of me. I know L is changing too and I am grateful to God for that as well. All of me is screaming that it's me who has done all the work and wanted things to be better. pride and self righteousness. But I can concede and smile at myself about that, because I know she has been changing too. Thank you God for showing me me.
Please God help me to have the willingness to work this programme.
Thank you God for another day abstinent yesterday.
Poor anyone who reads God and thinks OH NO! A religious culty freak. If only that person would know that I am least religious and Goldly in that sense than anyone. The Bible and the religious practices are not for me. I get the principle more and more though.
Reading Paradise Lost is interesting. You see I think I am understanding Milton to be suggesting that the Garden of Eden was actually before Earth. There was no Heaven nor Hell, there was just this place with angels and peace. But Satan as he became to be known was envious and wanted higher ranking position, even Gods position. He tempted Eve with the apple and was rallying the discontent in the other angels. Angels that were impatient or jealous or bored or scolded or resentful or something. All these emotions and traits exist but there are those that Satan was able to infiltrate and culture those traits in his growing desire for more. It is something that can be cultivated and a darkness that grows fast and envelopes the light. I can relate. It was a seed that exists there and as the devil gets a hold for  example through abuse or abandonment and faulty nurturing, the dark feelings have the room to swirl and escalate. Then the Satan can step up the anti using this emptiness ad coldness to turn it into hatred and desire and overwhelming power. It's there, it can be ignored. Ignore at ones peril. As the fallen angels discovered. They lost their belief in the light, stopped putting into action all the effort required to nurture and then the swirling dark cold abyss grows within needing more and more to fill it as it grows deeper and deeper. I followed that trail. The seed was given room to grow with the sense of shame and hatred that I was given. There wasn't enough belief surrounding me to counter the effect. And the abyss was opened up. I had this anger in me without knowing what it was and no teachers to even show me a different way. well actually I don't think that's entirely true. I suspect there were a lot of people trying but the power of the shame and hatred was louder somehow. Maybe I am the sort of person who listens to that like the angels. Some did not want to follow Satan's desires, they had the strength and belief to turn away and face the light.
I found alcohol and diets and laxatives and this fuelled my anger. It gave me a false courage, a strength to rebel. I rebelled hoping to be heard really but in fact it widened the abyss. My mum was the frail link back though. I kept a little of the light for the terror of finally letting my mum down so much that she would have to let get of the thinning stretching thread. She loved me so much and this morning walking around the village I longed for a moment to be her daughter in the world we live in. Just to have her here to love me. Just to have that assurance. And an opportunity to show her a revised me, a more soulful caring me. Show her how much I truly love her and actually that I do appreciate her. I know she knows in Heaven but it's earthly her I am sad not to have here today. I can bring her close to me though.
But that sadness with loss and grieving does not have to turn into a gap for the devil to seep in. No. no. Nor do my worries about finances or the difficulties at work or the need for study time or the laziness with hpusework. No, instead I can turn to God. I can keep my strength of belief. I can ask for the willingness to work this programme. And then there are fewer and fewer avenues to trundle along that lead into temptation.

A friend made a comment that she felt igorant about not knowing what Paradise Lost was. It got me to pondering about the fact that in the past I have been so tough on myself, telling myself I am ignorant. And that isn't with any love at all I have said that to myself. I brate myself for being ignorant as if it's a terrible thing. How awful the way language is used with connotations from nastiness. So being kind and gentle I was saying to this friend that it is not ignorance as a bad thing but it is ignorance fulls top. I didn't know about Paradise Lost and rather than being ashamed of that it is not something I have sat down to discover. I didn't do any literature study to any great length. I chose to play instead of study. And now I can be humble enough to be grateful for the different people in my life that bring diverse interests to me. And as they become interesting to me I do indeed follow them through. Paradise Lost had come to my attention some time ago. I did look it up and even copied the books onto my conputer. But it didn't really sink in. And then my sculptor friend showed me her work in connection with an upcoming exhibition called Revelations. I don't know if it's just a title and she has taken the Biblical theme or whether the Biblical element is the them. Anyway she has referred to Paradise Lost as her inspiration. And my gosh the work I saw was outstanding. She expressed the emotions of despair at the realisation of waking in this place called hell. This endless prison with no entrance nor exit. Wow, such vision. A knowingness of those feelings. And I could see how that intial shame borne from powerful desire, so powerful that all trust was lost in the light and God and turned towards Satan full of promises and guile. They invested in the temptation and desire and woke to realise the results. And of course there lies the pain to be further cultivated by Satan.
So she brought Paradise Lost a little bit more alive for me than the last encounter I had with it whatever that was, I can't even remember. And so much so that I am trying to read it. It's a lot of literature to read. But wow it's painting powerful pictures for me. The meaning though seems sop difficult to express. And someone else can. How wonderful that is. I am envious but will not allow that to breed and instead I am grateful to God for showing me this. I am learning. And my horizons expand. How wonderful that I have so many people with interestes that spark my own interests. And my knowledge is growing, my openness grows as I realise the passion and delight these things can bring to my soul. Thank you God. Thank you for E and the many pothers such as A and M and T and A and E and - that's beginning to look like a genetic code ha ha ha ha.
So here I am sitting waiting. I have tried calling 2 tyre places with no answer as yet. I have at least sent a text to L to tell her what is happening. I hope to get there by 10:30. Is that possible?
I will call my hairdresser too. Can I afford it? I hope so.
I need to save £360 per year for haircuts which means putting away £30 per month. I will need to start doing that then.
I also need to phone Vodafone and see if there is a better package for my minutes usage. It's crazy paying £150 per moth on Vodafone then there's BT and Plusnet for Broadband. This is a lot of money every month of communications. There has to be a better way. I onder what happens if I amalgamate them all. What is the total cost? £150 Vodafone £45 BT and £12 Plusnet = £207 per month!!!! That's ridiculous. I do  not use my landline except for an international call once per week for 1 and half hours. I use the Internet a lot.  Oh and I add some money for Skype calls too. Not much but that probably pushing £215 per month on communications. There has to be a better way.
I will call BT, Plusnet and Vodafone to see what they could do to improve these costs if I put all of mys business with them. I need to phone EDF too to see what good deals they are offering on supplying electtricity as the fixed rate ends this month. Has ended actually.
OK lets start with Vodafone. 191 - it's free. No tyre place first. I hope they open at 9am. They do.
OK it's time to go. And bugger I didn't read anymore of the poem. I will take it with me whilst I am waiting.

Thank you
Bliss
XX



 

On being alone - Ascension day

I loved hearing this yesterday morning. It was a moment of reflection on the matter of aloneness. I resonated strongly with that inner peace of aloneness but was also reminded how much of my time I have rebuked that notion and despaired for someone to fill what can feel like a chasm. The work in progress is how I am a little more comfortable with aloneness and less lonely. The longing diminishes ever so slightly. Thank you God. I suppose, according to the story of Jesus of Nazareth, the misunderstandings and inexperience are essential. I try to reconcile why? Why did God not give all knowledge from the offset, do away with pain and difficulties from the very beginning. Is this though the spiritual growth, the journey, the river, the road to Nirvana or Ascension? Our personal evolutionfrom undeveloped brain to eventual all knowledge at death. That makes sense to me since learning knowledge about development of humans and the brain.mans have developed areas of the brain beyond those of other creatures. We have technically the same brain stem as that of ancient species such as the crocodile. But we have also evolved beyond that. The miracle. God's gift? Chicken and egg, what came first? Did something kick in meaning we could consciously start experiencing so that we could then develop brain to create more room for conscious experiences? With consciousness comes misunderstandings or confusions and a desire to know more and so more experiences bringing more misunderstandings.

For whatever reason I am where I am in the greater scheme of the Universe. It feels very difficult and frightening when I don't understand and don't know what to do or how to be. But my faith is growing. Especially as I learn how to do things differently and feel the serenity coming back. And in my aloneness I am certainly experiencing life. What is wonderful is that I can share my misunderstandings and inexperience with friends like you and draw from your experience and thoughts. Then my aloneness can remain as bliss and peace and loving and truthful and wise. The pain of loneliness is removed and with it fear can go too.

I embrace being alone more and more but love that we are alone all together. Thank you for being a part of my togetherness, my experience and my misunderstandings.

"When I walk my dog early in the morning in the park, there are very few other people about. A few joggers, other dog walkers, the odd party goers recovering from a heavy night.
On Sunday morning though, I found myself surrounded by 15,000 people in pink who had taken part in a moonlit marathon walk in aid of a breast cancer charity. For me, it was the beginning of my day; for them it was the end of an arduous but by the looks of it enjoyable fund raising walk through the night. The sense of solidarity was palpable; women and men congratulating each other, relieved, emotional, some with the picture or the name of the person they were remembering on their tee-shirts.
Coming together and doing something is a powerful way of facing some of life’s toughest circumstances. In the midst of illness, bereavement, addiction or debt, meeting others and communicating with them about how it feels, what it’s like, for many is a step forward in a situation that is frightening and debilitating.

In the current economic circumstances, painful stories are emerging about people feeling acutely lonely against a high background count of anxiety about how to pay the next bill; hearing endless worrying news about Greek debt, banks not lending enough to small businesses and the stubbornly rising youth unemployment that threatens a European generation. The solidarity provided by food banks, debt counselling groups and night shelters in these circumstances can be a lifeline when you realise it’s not just you.
But today Christians face another equally profound truth; that while of course we are interdependent on one another and on the planet’s resources; while we unavoidably live in community, there is always a part of us that lives inside, alone. Today is Ascension Day; the poetic, sometimes comically portrayed way that the Bible has of saying that Jesus of Nazareth doesn’t stay around forever – but leaves; leaves his companions to get on with it, with all their misunderstandings and inexperience. That small group of men and women changed the world.
There is a paradox about Ascension Day which is to say that one of the most powerful ways of combating the loneliness of isolation is to make our peace with the fact that we are, in common with everyone else, alone. There are unfathomable depths within you and me; wisdom that has come with the years, resilience that has grown with our experience. It may seem unrealistic to talk about hopeful determination when there is so much to feel anxious about. But Ascension Day suggests that it is possible to find when we have made our peace with God in the reality that we live together alone."

Holly's story

I am now 60 days abstinent and into my 61st day. With good grace I will get to bed this evening without having had to take a mouthful of food outside of my meal plan. This is a miracle because it's not anorexic starvation, not purging with bulimia and not overeating. I am free for this moment from any obsession or compulsion which truly has been with me for my lifetime.

Thank you God.

Even my thinking is changing I notice. In the past I would have some semblance of abstinence but holding on for the day when I would next eat flour and sugar. I am committed one day at a time not to eat flour and sugar or out of me food plan. I do not need flour or sugar to exist on this planet. I need spiritual connection and wholesomeness. I get sustenance through my very fresh,simple foods and enjoy the cleanliness I feel within my body. People have made comments about my skin and hair, changes that I hadn't noticed.

A young lady last evening said that she sees me as calm and attentive. Wow! I smiled and said that I do feel calm and yet there is also the humanness of me paddling away inside. But actually on reflection I am so much calmer this last few days even with life things going on around me.

I was listening to her telling me through her sobs and tears about her situation. I felt ever so sad as I listened to her loneliness and emptiness. As if her soul has been snatched from her right now. Something has been taken from her and there will be a scar as this heals, but it will heal I feel sure, especially if she continues to apply herself to her recovery the way she appears to be right now. I wanted to wrap her in a hug and reassure her that so much is changing already and that she is safe. I sat for a while and shared a little about me then walked her to her door as she feels so terrified.

I prayed on the way home to help me with the sadness I felt. And God did help me to talk about this when speaking with B this morning. I hesitated when sitting in my quiet time. Thinking I don't want to appear as if I am more down than up and thinking this would be reflecting badly on my own recovery. Same old thinking, hide my vulnerability, appear like the good girl doing everything right even though I was feeling so, so sad.

Oh my gosh, B opened up my thoughts. She talked about despondency as a defect of character. I get a little edgy using that term as it sounds so harsh. However, I also have my understanding of what she was saying. I can teeter on a thin edge between sadness and despondency, to use her word. The dictionary definition I have is .....

de·spond·ent

   /dɪˈspɒndənt/ Show Spelled[dih-spon-duhnt]

adjective

feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom: despondent about failing health.

 

This describes the feeling much better than the general term of depression - which is a noun to describe a psychiatric condition.

de·pres·sion

   /dɪˈprɛʃən/ Show Spelled[dih-presh-uhn]

noun

1. the act of depressing

2. the state of being depressed.

3. a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.

4. sadness; gloom; dejection.

5. Psychiatry . a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.

Using the word depression is so generalised but by breaking it down and noticing the despondency makes it so much easier to manage. I have asked God to help remove this defect of character. And actually what it helps me to do is notice the sadness more clearly and by so doing I can get some healing from this by talking to others who can listen. I often work with clients breaking down the despair of overwhelming emotions. And with the help of B this morning I started to hear and see how I easily started to teeter on the edge of sadness and the remora of despondency. And then my thinking quickly changes to welcome in death. I also distort the benefits of gratitude and talking with others. I told myself this very morning that to focus on things I am grateful for or to enjoy speaking with people is just mind altering rather than real. Gosh if despondency can be real as a result of circumstances then why can't gratitude and happiness through connecting? So as the despondency was setting in, my focus was on missing my mum, the horrible relationship with my dad, the abortions, the loneliness. Bleaker and bleaker the outlook became.

But recognising despondency as a defect of character and asking God's help to remove this I am already feeling different. I decided to write my findings in a text to a friend I knew could hear it and witness it. I chose not to include another extremely good friend as experience has shown me that somehow the witnessing doesn't happen. That's OK, I don;t say that with any blame. I love that friend dearly but just need to be heard. I would also like to learn to hear her as I know I go into some kind of competition with her. Please God if it's Your will.

So with despondency I started to truly be able to appreciate the generous AA person who can help me replace the glass I broke earlier this week. I reminded myself of the wonderful gifts of a bike from E and the microwave oven from my dad. And I will call him today, now actually - please hold on a moment ......... well it was an answer machine, so I left an uplifted sounding message.

I have a house full of lovely things given by people. I found a fiver under my car seat yesterday too. I was very happy about that. So stopping to consider what abundance there is and how it shows up in the most unexpected shapes and forms if really uplifting and I can feel happy as well as grateful. Not mind altering just acknowledging that other feelings co-exist and I don't have to teeter over the edge.

And this I have known well intellectually, even advocating the concept regularly to others. I wanted to record this experiential moment as a reminder rather than an intellectual exercise.

I hope I can continue to practise and therefore share the idea of breaking down the overwhelming when there is array of emotions and create some calm through the chaos.

With 60 days abstinence I think some tings are changing. Layers of the onion skins are peeling back perhaps. What a journey. It's nothing rocket science or new, just greater clarity. There is a serenity in that rather than the torrid excitement I can feel with discovery. Just something to behold and treasure quietly. Thank you God.

But also with a refreshing feel to it, as if a light fresh wind has brushed by my face, lightly waking me up.

Readers whoever you might be, thank you for witnessing this with me. A little progress and gentle wisdom perhaps shared from one to me and then experienced.

My sadness? Well I hear sad stories everyday in my work and witness sadness often despair. Usually anger. I think this all helps me to see the sadness within me and is a real healing process.

I am sad about the choices I have made based on insecurities. And these insecurities are an amalgam of my biological make-up for instance being a sensitive little soul but being in a family where that wasn't easily interpreted and parents with their own issues and probable insecurities causing me to be misread and mis-used me. As a result my choices have been somewhat misguided from the offset. And then in adulthood I can see the escalation of the addiction within me - another biological make-up. Anyhow the journey is becoming self-explained the outcome is that I miss my mum and for the ways I would love to have been different when she was alive. This is not regret. My journey has been my journey. Regret can contribute to despondency. No. no, this is sadness for the entire situation as already described. Nothing happens on it's own, it is an integration of me, them, others and everything around me. Sadness about abortions. Gosh how sad I am about this. Sadness about the chasm between my dad and myself. Sadness about abusive situations. sadness about getting into relationships on the back of insecurity and not knowing how to handle getting out without hurting others and myself. Sadness about letting myself be hurt. Sadness about being afraid.

Yes all these things and I ask you God for the help to heal, Your will be done.

I KNOW my parents loved me!

Once again thank you readers for reading.

Bliss

X



West Memphis Three are freed

Studying! It's amazing the distractions I can find. Now reading about the release of three boys in Memphis I watched a documentary a few years ago. They are now being freed 18 years later.
I am at least sitting at my desk. How awkward and weird I can feel I am when I go to OU lecture days and weekends. I try to head towards others I see sitting or standing on their own. I have to really muster up so much courage. I can then want so much to make them my friend if I like them but truly I don't usually follow up as actually it's merely a passing encounter. I hate how many people have passed through and gone forever yet can also see how amazing and fortunate it has been to have had these brief encounters. I still hang on to loss and the first time I felt so distraught. A friend when I was about 5 I think - I loved her. And then she went to Germany, her dad was in the army. I felt she had been taken from me. For a long time I was inconsolable. First time I remember the taste of not eating actually. Wow never had remembered that before.
Anyway all that from thinking about the many many people who have come and gone and how sensitive I am and get clingy at the thought of losing them. Yet it is part of being. So my learning today is just that and I don't need to be clingy simply enjoy encounters. Treasure my friends I trust and see what happens next. Nice

These thoughts were initiated when speaking with my friend M who is going to an event on her own today. She was saying yesterday how difficult she finds that. Me too. I have a judgement that I am a billy no mates. I am not sure where that originates from. I think maybe from young friends at junior school mocking one or two people who were then always friendless. It's difficult to know if they were friendless and that's why they got mocked or they were friendless because they got mocked and in selfishness everyone pulled away so as not to get mocked too. Kids are so cruel. I wonder f that saying is true. I don't think kids are cruel naturally. I am just not sure where this type of attitude and behaviour develops from.
When out walking last Sunday with M I noticed a reaction in me when she asked me what I would do if she put a slug down my neck. There was taunting int hat attitude that I found really horrible. And I could feel the child in me. I let the girls tie me up when I was ever so little, maybe 3 or 4. And they left me. I was so ashamed I hid behind the wall and tried to get out of the ropes without shouting for help. I was so upset by them, that people could be so unkind to me. I didn't understand it. Why would they be so nasty to me. It was a similar feeling with M. Why would she do that to me, I am her friend. She didn't of course. I wondered if it is the bullied within siblings becoming that way with others. Not having had siblings I didn't enter into anything like those kind of relationships until I met other kids in the cul de sac. Initially I had my little friend next door and we played. Sometimes it was a little fraught but when isn't any relationship. I don't think it was ever nasty. perhaps I was bossy actually as I was 2 years older and at 4 that is quite a lot. She followed me about until I went to school and then she made new friends in the cul de sac. I felt very left out. Her mum made friends with people mum would not befriend so K met knew and different people. It was these girls that stole my dolls clothes and tied me up. So perhaps there was a reason they behaved this way that my mum saw in the parents? Who knows?
I believe that babies are born with anger but as a motivation to get survive their vulnerability. Maybe anger is the wrong word for those people that associate anger with "bad" stuff. But for me anger is valid, important and not bad. The way people behave in anger can be unpleasant and can escalate into the unacceptable even violence or murder. It is this uncontained anger that grows into rage and this is not healthy. I have learnt so much within my job observing and seeing how by containing people can learn. I have experienced the changes myself. The rage was being cultivated through trauma as a child and the anger that usually ensures that vulnerability is taken care of turned into a coping mechanism of my own. Survival is the name of the species game. We use every resource available. And if the nurturing is ruptured in any way - well there we go the anger gets taken outside.
It's all theory of course but I do see the patterns. I would like to work in an clinical environment where I could research this and continue working directly with clients on the therapeutic side. Clinical psychology and I simply do not have the funding. Or the degree yet. Blimey

Anyway the Memphis 3. Their story grabbed me when I watched the documentary, Paradise Lost. I only saw it about 4 years ago when JB told me about it. I was horrified at the way these young boys were treated in their court case. Yes an horrific murder. 3 little boys murdered in an awful manner. It looked ritualistic. This took place in Robin Hood Hills.
Damien Echols, Jessie Misskelleymonth were freed. Johnny Depp apparently was involved in the ongoing campaign to get their release. If the documentary was accurate there were so many falsities. They were set up it seemed. And there were pointers that the camera crew gave to the police and yet these things were ignored. The documentary, although probably was with the intention of helping their original case, seemed in the end detrimental. I watched it in horror. The unfolding story just screamed to me of the way the police wanted to have someone to blame. These kids were blamed because of their music tastes and the way they dressed. Well particularly Damien who in fact if I remember correctly was slightly older than the other two. And I also thought I found one of them not so bright. They were forced into making a confession. When the case was brought for appeal the documentary crew were not able to get close at all.

So they have been freed ....
I found this report dated 19th August BBC News Canada & USA

'West Memphis Three' freed after 18 years in prison

The three maintain their innocence though they pleaded guilty to win their freedom

Three US men who say they were falsely convicted of murdering three boys have been freed after 18 years in prison.

Damien Echols, Jason Baldwin and Jessie Misskelley were convicted in 1994, but new DNA evidence raised doubts.

The so-called West Memphis Three were backed by celebrities who had raised money for their case.

They were freed from prison on Friday in a deal allowing them to claim innocence while agreeing prosecutors had enough evidence to convict them.

Speaking to reporters after they were freed, Baldwin said he had been reluctant to plead guilty to crimes he did not commit, but said he had wanted to spare Echols the death penalty.
'Satanic rite'
Echols said the release was "overwhelming".

"It's not perfect by any means," he said of the deal. "But it at least brings closure to some areas and some aspects."

Although families of two of the victims had come to believe the trio were innocent, an onlooker shouted "baby killers" as the men walked free from court.

The men were teenagers when they were convicted for the brutal May 1993 murder and mutilation of three eight-year-old boys who were found nude and bound in a ditch in West Memphis in the US state of Arkansas.

John Mark Byers, father of victim Christopher Byers, proclaimed the trio's innocence outside court

Steve Branch and Michael Moore drowned in about two feet (0.6m) of water, and Christopher Byers bled to death, his genitals mutilated and partially removed.

They were arrested after police received a tip that Echols had been seen covered in mud the night the boys disappeared, and Misskelley, 17, gave a surprise confession.

He later recanted and defence lawyers said he inaccurately described many of the details in the case.

In addition, two girls aged 12 and 15 said they had overheard Echols confess to the murders, while divers found a knife in a lake behind Baldwin's parents' house.

Prosecutors introduced a theory that the killings were some sort of satanic rite, and gave evidence they said indicated the three teenagers were part of a cult.

Echols, 18 at the time, was sentenced to death. Baldwin, 16, and Misskelley were sentenced to life in prison.

Decades of litigation ensued, and the trio, who became known as the West Memphis Three, gained celebrity supporters, including Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder, who helped raise money for their legal defence.

They were also the subject of a 1996 HBO television documentary.

The actor Johnny Depp and Natalie Maines, lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, also embraced the trio's cause.

DNA testing conducted between 2005 and 2007 found no evidence linking the three men to the murder, but pointed to the possible presence of others at the scene of the crime.

Defence lawyers also alleged a juror had improperly heard Misskelley's confession.

Meanwhile, the mother of a witness who had testified she heard Echols confess to the murders cast doubt on the truthfulness of that testimony.
'Alford plea'
In the most recent round of appeals, the Arkansas Supreme Court last year ordered an evidentiary hearing to determine whether the DNA evidence should result in a new trial.

On Friday, prosecutor Scott Ellington said a new trial would have been difficult to carry out so long after the crime.

In the move that led to their release from prison, the men pleaded guilty under a so-called Alford plea that allows them to maintain their innocence while acknowledging prosecutors have enough evidence to convict them.

They were given credit for the time they had already served in prison, but remain on parole and could be imprisoned again for up to 21 years if they re-offend.

"Today's proceeding allows the defendants the freedom of speech to say they are innocent, but the fact is, they just pled guilty," Mr Ellington said.

"I strongly believe that the interests of justice have been served today."

Oh it seems that only Damien Echols was on death row! And after this week a man being put to death still proclaiming his innocence it feels me with horror what we humans will do to humans. One of the big debates. A life for a life? But what if it is a mistake? Is it worth killing with the risk of doubt? I think not. I think killing, even when it's in the name of convicting a murderer, is barbaric. I am not sure what the answer is. The more I study about neurology and psychology the less I think there is evil people but I think evil can be cultivated. We all have a responsibility every time someone murders. So convict us all - ha! No way - everyone needs to blame someone else so that the majority don't have to do anything about it.
Mmm I know it's probably too idealistic. I am not sure. Sounds gloomy to me.

I am certain that the father of one of the murdered boys was implicated. Well again if the documentary I watched held truths. John Mark Myers, father of Christopher Myers. I can't remember the exact details but there was knife that would match the wounds on one of the boys whose testicles had been cut off and he had been left to bleed to death. This knife was John Mark's. He agreed it was. And it was fond with blood on. But when the reporters mentioned this to the police they ignored this completely.
Well I trust in the Universal energy and the flow. I don't suppose I understand how it is possible for people to think it is OK to kill others but in the name of law or religion even (wars). But it is how it is. I would stand by my thoughts in any debate unless convinced otherwise. I pray for more wisdom and for humans to keep walking towards becoming humane. Funny how the civilisation feels so uncivilised to me at times. There is an ambiguity I find difficult to deal with. Going with the flow yet there are things I instinctively dislike. I do not campaign loudly. It doesn't mean to me that because I wish to learn how to go with the flow that I need to agree with everything that happens. I would like to speak with a Buddhist monk to ask what they think about this ambiguity. I think I will call the monastery and see if there is a time I can get to sit and talk these queries through and see how they deal with them. There is simplicity for certain. Every time (ha ha that makes it sound like I discuss things with "them" regularly) I have spoken with a monk they have kept things so very very simple. Not avoiding, just simple. They have shared how they have worked through their own suffering and reached a point of contentment. This for me is the same as being aware of emotional responses and behaviours that might be contrasting and evoking difficulty within me and by discussing and thinking and writing and reading gradually I work towards acceptance that initially comes and goes and eventually seem to be more settling. Of course life is so diverse that acceptance can be stirred up once again and there is more to consider and contemplate and perhaps a new acceptance will arrive. What a never ending journey of passion, adventure, awakening and peace. Walking towards the end of the path is a marvel to behold. I feel so at peace and blissful when I can realise this. It comes more often.

Bliss
xx