The colour virtue

Darn it! I wrote out here in this very page the extent of my anger. And blow me over with a feather the flipping thing crashed temporarily and all of my words have gone. Gone into the ether. And what's left? No anger. It's passed. It was in relation to spending time this evening with someone so very dear to me who in my opinion is in the very pits of this disease of addiction. Right now I feel sad to the point of tears, which is the next phase. I was so relieved I picked up the phone to SS and roared my anger out to her knowing that she could hold it and not try to fix it. She related and understood this horrible feeling of powerless. I cannot do a thing to help as hard as I try with talk and ideas and love. It just doesn't get through. And that's so tragic. I will not abandon her which is what people have said to do. I did in the early days of recovery from alcohol but the renewal of the friendship was always essential. A sad waste of someone so talented and clever. Please God I pray for A.
Thank you God for my awareness and for showing me how to do this differently. I knew I needed to speak to someone and to speak to someone impartially was just what I needed.
And also with L today. That was the other thing I had been writing about vigorously. I came across L talking to F (HD). I heard her say "this morning" and "she". As I was the only one in with her this monring I started thinking all sorts of things she was saying that would be lies. Thank goodness I didn;t do what I wanted to do and that was to listen in. After all there I was yesterday saying to a client about the self inflicted torture because he is reading texts and online messages that are truth but hurtful. It's none of my business. And what I did have was God. I asked God for help. I put my turst in God that whatever was being said, I would be OK. It's pride. Me wanting people to think well of me and the injustice of someone lying about me and disparaging my good name. Especially as here I am maing big changes. I need to start saying good things only about her. I need to stop doing that to her. It's a horrid feeling. I've known it before. The fear of being defamed and often with someone else's issues leading the defamation. Treat others as I would like to be treated myself.
Thank you God for guiding me. I feel better about myself too so thank you God for that too.
And this evening I feel very honoured that a friend was able to share a little of themselves. I know it's nothing to do with me but to be present at the moment that person was able to verbalise some deep truths and put trust in being heard - well I am blown away. Thank you God for guiding that person and I pray for them. I know the changes that are taking place in me are just beginnings and there for his taking to.
Thank you God for so much and everything. I pray for more of course - well I am an addict after all. ;)

It's bedtime despite the colour virtue not being finished. I want to continue watching the WHITE programme. I found the BLUE programme fascinating. I will need to watch the GOLD programme as I skimped it. Colour will be talked about by Stephen Fry too on Radio 4. Sometimes wotk just gets int he way. Thank you God for iPlayer. Convenient.

Nighty night and thanks for the release from anger and the amusing way of taking it right away. Gone, for tonight.
oh thank you God for keeping me abstinent today. Amazing, truly!!

Bliss
xx

ps - some more darn it's. I've had a few hot flushes over the past few days. Today they were bigger than yesterday. I hope this doesn't mean they are coming back along with a whole host of other symptoms. Tedious and horrible. I thought I was done and dusted with that!! Poop!

White may be the darkest colour of them all? The purest colour became tainted.
White came to symbolise an enlightened world. But was used to divide and control and then finally to conquer.......

25 Sep 1938 - The Director of the British Museum was on his rounds - but unbeknownst to him an incident was taking place in the basement. Cleaning was taking place of some objects, some of the most prized possessions, the Elgin Marbles.
A number of sculptures. They were once painted in rich colours that had washed away. But at one point we were convinced they had always been wither and were being made whiter than ever before.
The Director put a stop to the cleaning - the culprit - Joseph Devene. He thought the marbles were too brown and believed they should be white. This action had not been approved by the Museum.

The intrigue of white = why was Devene so desperate that the sculptures should be white and so white. The Greek sculptors when to lengths to painting away the white.
Planting white at the centre of European culture was Johann Joaquin Winkelmann, born in 1717 in eastern Germany. He was an intellectual and wanting to set foot in the cosmopolitan areas.
He arrived in Dresden and discovered
He found a store of ancient white statues in all shaped and sizes. There were plenty for hm to feat his eyes on and of the most wonderful. He there and then dedicated his life to persuade others of the beauty.
in 1755 he found a city littered with white columns and so on from ages past. He started recording all the marble he found. The Belvedere Torso and others.
His records got him noticed by the Vatican. He set eyes on the Apollo Belvedere. A copy of which in in Soanes house. This one in the Vatican was believed to be a copy of a Greek original carved in about 300BC


What's truly surprising apart from being the most beautiful man, is it's whiteness. This sculpture shows how sophisticated the ancient Greeks really were.
White symbolised health, simplicity, reason and more.
He celebrated the whiteness of this art.
We should feel indebted by Winkelmann for inspiring the future.
Whiteness is purity. Winklemann's dream of filling the world with this purest antiquity.
An elegant building - home of Britain's most famous potter. Wedgwood. A giant of the enlightenment
He was the grandfather of Charles Darwin - wow
He was a Winkelmann disciple sharing a love for white antiquity.
Voltaire the philosopher, Joseph Banks, botanist,
Wedgwood was determined to bring the sculptor to the edge of comfort an then let them go.
His family were unperturbed and yet I don't see any activity

It was very difficult to reproduce a paint that getting to a white glaze was a constant disappointment for M.
The first great white glaze ....
He turned out a seres of beautiful whits pots.

Neoclassical consists of flutes and columns. As well as available space. I could not imagine anyone coming here!!!!

White had conquered Europe through Winkelmann.
Mid 18th century - a transformation about the way we view white and art.
1859 a  young man married on out shoes - please can you cover today for me

O man take a pause - the fog is lifting

My friend wrote to me explaining how she was feeling and this is what I wrote back but decided not to send. I thought I was almost being prescriptive and whingeing on about me rather than listening to her.

It sounds so much like menopausal symptoms when you describe your periods - as you know I truly have had some tricky times. All I know is that I needed to talk about it and receive understanding as it felt scary, I have been overwhelmed with a sense of change and loss, and at times been utterly irrational and changeable in my mood. I have needed reassurance.

As always if you need a listening ear I can listen. I truly think my symptoms have reduced recently although notice a thick head and loss of words still. I think the sense of loss and fear about feeling older is also less. I'm more acceptant of the changes even though I have moments still of battling.

There has only been one way through it and that's head first.

Am I right in thinking you believe also that some of your symptoms are hormonal menopausal?

I absolutely am convinced that all the shifts contributed and magnified mental health problems - I oscillated from highs to lows much quicker than I am now and they were much more extreme than recently. My appetite, oh my gosh I've never craved food like it before and I've been a foody since very young.

Often I had a sort of detachment and with it  just could not make sense of much at all.

Not to mention aches and pains and complete energy drains.

I am definitely starting to pull through these symptoms now if that gives any hope at all.

Many many times I just could not see a point in living if this was going to be it! I didn't think I'd ever pull through it you see.

I was so so scared sometimes it felt too much to endure but thankfully I learnt with Stuart and oddly enough through my studies of psychosocial identity about stages of age change and reconciling the shift into a different stage. I didn't want to accept the changes as it felt like giving up. Funny thing is as the hormones are settling down again recently I feel more energised again and less decrepit.

People kept telling me that it would pass at some point but it all felt endless and I felt very alone with it all. I wanted others to talk to who would know what I was going through and understand. But so few people talk openly about the complexities and what seem endless problems.

I was in a fog for several years but think I am stepping through it thank goodness. It does pass even though I thought it was never going to.


And on the subject of friendship and my insecurity ...............

Good afternoon M
Just preparing my lunch and taking a break from my research for my assignment. I've not put any thoughts down in writing yet as I'm still researching yet should be at least half way through first draft according to schedule. Poop! I may already need an extension which disturbs me greatly considering the vast study loads this year. "I NEED MORE TIME", she shouted confused and dismayed.

I was thinking in bed last night about the feeling told off if spending time with other people and befuddled you are about this. Me too but getting some clarity perhaps. I'm completely aware it's my issue, so I hope you don't think I'm apportioning any blame with you.
I realised the feelings came over me yesterday amongst our emailing. I went through our emails rereading them to see what it was and I think it was with reference to this part of your email which I have copied and pasted and italicised to make differentiating simpler.

"I think may be you are living what I have always described as a reality for me - out of sight out of mind - that does not mean I care any less, as you are often in my mind, but you are probably 'closer' to those you speak to more or spend time with - which is how it is, well for me anyway, the people you see become like close (may be even family ??) . I think it would be weird if it wasn't like that. that is why we choose to spend time with people and it feels weird if I choose to spend time with people that I don't want to - like I don't know, an example - G, I decided not to spend time with her as the friendship was not working for me - I don't dislike her but I don't feel as much ease. I am not good with groups - never have been, but especially at mo, but then sometimes I am - it is very weird and it really depends who it is
With you and V and R I feel at ease with when I am with - yet if not with of course the closeness dissipates - well for me anyway - it doesn't mean it doesn't come back almost instantly with contact and seeing one another."

I was confused when you said - I am living what you've described as the reality for you - and then added that's how it is for you. You are not out of my mind on any day at all. I read that as it is me that is doing something that means I'm out of sight out of mind. Is it something I'm doing? If it's about spending time together isn't that both of us?
I'm not a good organiser that's for sure. And I always think you are a very good organiser. I think and correct me if I'm wrong you don't want to be the organiser all the time. And I can understand that so I take responsibility for not being good and therefore my part in less time together recently.
I'm also aware as I said before that I am exhausted after lengthy days with work and travel so midweek it's work, 1:1's after work, meetings and catching up with people en route i.e. AM and AB. And weekends are once again supposedly study time although once per month I am going to London for FA and taking in a gallery afterwards. If ever you feel like meeting me after the meeting I would love that. I think when I asked last you were hectic with your studies.
Talking of which I have just confirmed that I will go to FA on Sat 10th March and afterwards plan to see Picasso exhibition at Tate Britain. Annie is free and is going up earlier in the day to see the Lucien Freud exhibition. Would you be free to meet after my meeting, about 15:00, and go on to see the Picasso exhibition? It would be lovely if you could.

What I interpret when you comment on me spending time with others and that they are then close to me, is that you think I am excluding you somehow. Which of course is not the case at all. Is that what you think or all in my head? I think I marry this with occasions in the past when I have felt excluded with others doing things together without me. Am I right in thinking that there have been similar occasions in the past that have affected you too? I sense that you are affected by these sorts of things and withdraw from those people. I'm scared you'll be less friendly or withdraw from me.
So when I read the above section of your email, I felt that fear. I hope you'll understand that I'm not saying that's how it is necessarily, only you can tell me how it actually is for you, but that's what I fear.
So when I read your email saying that for you when people are out of sight then you are not as close, it scares me. As that is not the case for me. I am close with some people whether I am in regular contact or not. And by close I mean that I consider them my very good and best friends and that includes you. I used to think I had to be BEST friends with a particular friend to keep them but now I realise I can a number of best friends. Over longer periods of time then this dwindles with some people I am aware. As closeness in friendship I believe needs to be nurtured and requires effort but then there are some friends who when I met up with despite time and distance it's just the same as ever and I hold them in my heart the same as ever.

And then of course it depends what you and I mean by closeness. Close in proximity is obvious and for some reason it feels as if we are further apart in that way and yet in all probability we are either nearer or at least the same distance apart as before. I think my working in Woking area makes it feel further away.

But in metaphysical terms (for want of a better word), I feel as close as ever. You know a lot about me, probably more than anyone else, through our history and supporting me through situations or events and being alongside my changing (hopefully) self. I feel at ease in your company even if there are differences of opinion. I learn through you on all sorts of levels. I laugh with you, I discuss with you, I debate ideas with you, I value your thoughts and opinions even when I don't like what I'm hearing because it's challenging my desires, especially when they are not the healthiest of choices.
Sometimes I feel scared of judgement and that inhibits me at times. I need to listen to that fear - sometimes it will be unjust fear of judgement and my codependance. I need to be able to have the worth to just be myself and that is ongong work for me. Other times it'll be because something I'm doing or being is inappropriate and I know you'll comment. I am working on changing this little by little. I am more practised at ducking and diving, it's been a survival technique that has become skewed and destructive over the many years.
I hope you and other friends can forgive me this. It's a work in progress and certainly not perfection.
I have to trust that people who like and love me will stick around despite my shortcomings so long as I'm trying to change. I also am aware that people get on and off the bus.
My hope is that you and I will be friends eternally - this and the next life whatever form that takes if it has a form at all. That's how important you are to me.
And there are times when I really, really miss you and other times I just know you are there. We've had some incredible times together. I don't mean mini adventures necessarily, I mean just living. And that makes me smile. I wouldn't want to lose that if at all possible.

I also get concerned coz I know there are times when you don't want to mix with people at all. You are one of the few people that even when I am my lowest I can sit and enjoy being with you, whether I feel slobbish or not. I'm not sure that it is the same the other way around. But would hope that you know I could be.

Anyway the crux of the matter for me is the fear of being abandoned. I just have to trust that our friendship is real and that means abandonment is unlikely. But then again trust that if for any reason you decided to be absent for any reason that is OK too. I don't like the idea of the latter and would prefer to trust that our friendship is deep regardless of where or what we are doing. Some friendships in my experience can be as strong across distance and time and that is what I have with you. I guess I don't feel as safe with that from you when I read that closeness is less when not so much together. That's my fear I suppose, and I practice accepting that just as it is but remain me anyway. My tendency would be to then defend myself from being hurt and withdraw. Or demand assurances. But I do neither today and simply accept (fears ebb and fall so I need to practice consistency regardless of the ever changing feelings).

I am aware that I feel particularly vulnerable right now and that probably means that everything suddenly feels vulnerable. I am looking for reassurance I suppose and need to get that from myself and my sense of the Universe. Things are as they are and I'm OK and so is everything. Total acceptance and trust. Then all the insecurities just slde away.

Right I've had lunch and feel very sleepy indeed. I think I may take a short nap before re-starting my research. I'm not getting very far very quickly.
It's quite a dry assignment - comparing and contrasting but the exciting bit is saying how far the theories really go to answering questions about attention.
Cognitive psychology is interesting but also not - I can see why the application of cognitive psychology as a therapy feels so dry to me too.

I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this and I also hope that nothing I say is offensive, that's absolutely not my intention. I have written off the cuff, there was some preemptive thinking and I'm sure my realisations will evolve from this point and my fears alter and disappear with time too. I guess this is more adjustment to change which I don't deal well with until I start acknowledging it all.

Thanks for reading all of this - if you've got this far ......


--

Bliss

XX

Blob-di-blob

It's mighty cold! A wonderful day to walk though. Very cold but with the sun beaming through. There is something so satisfying about getting home into the warm after a walk in the fresh and cold air.
I had layers and layers on so actually didn't get too cold in my body. My face was fresh and ruddy.
Now it's a little cold - I can feel a chilliness around my feet so getting Val prepared (hot water bottle).
I have studied well today. Not fast but well. I'm taking heed of study skills for my learning styles. I am slower than many people who are attuned ... however, it doesn't mean I am neither stupid or incapable. I just need to take time. Which is something I have little of.
I need to update my CV and get it off to the recruitment agency. I would like to work more locally. Just seeing people getting ready ad leaving later in the morning and getting home earlier is tantalising.
I am very thankful to be employed and grateful to have a job that I enjoy - not necessarily the company and its politics but the work itself.
I can afford to pay my bills. Not a lot more and yet today I have booked the OUPS overview day and also employed the services of P to help me compile the case study. I need it out of the way and I have little time now to get it into something orderly for presentation. If he can help me then I will be delighted. I think I was trying too hard but also had procrastinated too long. Now I need all the time available to me to study. I would like to do well over the next 2 years. They matter in the weighting but also the past 2 years have not been great marks. Part of one year spent with JH and the other finding it difficult to really concentrate. I hope the menopause fuzz doesn't play such a big part this year.
How lucky it is I'm on annual leave this week. As for the past 2 days I have had a period. The first after such a long time. Maybe so much as a year or more ago. I feel sure that there have been very light spottings. But this is a real drain. I ache through all the lower half of my body. I had noticed the piercing pain in my right side, lower than my abdomen, most certainly to do with my female parts, had been hurting more.

Realisation - not fancying a man at all but just not being able to help myself. They are attentive and nice to me and I just can't help myself and suddenly need them to continue to be nice to me. And then if it seems they withdraw even slightly I get needier and believe that I do fancy them. Then I am also ashamed of this need of someone I don't find attractive.
Why? There must be something about them that must trigger something in me. I know one thing is feeling a person can take care of me. And on Saturday what was odd behaviour by a man I know may have dipped into this.
What actually happened? Well in the morning previous to leaving I was incredibly anxious. Social phobia of a particular sort. The large amount of people, the awkwardness of being alone. I spilled it all out to my sponsor who said she could hear my anxiety. She helped me to slow it all down. I just needed to breathe and if I was sitting on my own I could trust God that I would be OK. She was so right. I knew it.
Anyway as I was checking in L was behind me. I felt a presence. He didn't actually say anything. Strange I thought. I smiled and said hello and I would imagine appeared pleased to see him as I would with anyone I have known before.
As we moved further into the cafe, he said "hold on a moment". He slowly reached forward and moved a hair from my eyelash. I thought this was a very odd thing to do. He is not attractive to me physically in any way whatsoever. He is a nice enough chap though although at times speaks so quietly and quickly I can't grasp all he says. I noticed though that as the day went on he was clearer in his speaking. perhaps that is his own lack of confidence showing through. I felt quite indignant at this act though. I didn't say anything yet wondered all day about his motives. Yes indignant I remained. And yet ... there was something good about it that someone would do something like that. Perhaps he does fancy me and that's a relief as I feel so unattractive and incidentally I don't attract any men to speak with me who I find attractive. Something all so unconsciously odd going on don't you think.
As this week has gone on I have wondered what it was that permitted him to do something like that. I wondered if he had read about it or been told about it as a chat-up action. Indignant I remained. Then I remembered what S had said to me maybe some 2 years ago now when I was indignant with ego back then about a man. His exact words I don't remember but the inference was that I had something to do with it. What was it about me that gave him permission to do it? I certainly didn't put any boundaries down after the event although he didn't do anything like that again during the day. He was nothing but courteous. What the hell would I have said anyway? I will raise this with B.
And then he took my email address. I didn't not want to be friendly and keep in contact although before I hadn't given him a thought after the last course and OUPS days. Hmmmm. He emailed me the next day and I replied by that evening. I knew I was compelled to reply yet ashamed as I do not fancy him in anyway whatsoever. Is that being just friendly? Is it? I don't actually know. It's like not knowing what a helathy sized meal looks like. I have no idea.
So I am glad to have spoken about with A this evening and also get identification so that I don't feel so weird and disgusted with myself for my return email.
I need some help around this. I don't know what a healthy bottom line would be. I know that it feels wrong for example to maintain contact with JC. I mentioned it to B but haven't dropped the contact. I wuld hate it if my partner were doing what he is doing. It's simply having that contact an constant intrigue without anything ever develping beyond that. But it's not deent to his wife.
Some people would say well there is no harm being done. But there is. It feels rotten to say, sorry can't be text friends anymore. I have only flirted a few times and then ever so subtly and he hasn't responded. Yet somehow I get the feel that this is not all OK. He was having a sex affair, he loves another woman who has cut contact with him. Hmmmmm. All is not OK.
It's more obvious to me probably because I am getting more and more clarity all round.

The lectures on Saturday were so interesting. PTSD. The first was about PTSD in children. William Yule reowned it seems as he is called in to help with incidents arund the world where there is mass devastation. He was involved in the Herald of the Free Enterprise and the effect on children. It was only that long ago that people started to identify that PTSD affected children. Of course originally it was etected in veterans of Vietnam. Beofre that I guess it was called shell-shock.
The next speaker Emily Homes talked about visual imagery or flashbacks. Now I was intrigued as the the association of reliving traumas through visual memories. I wondered about D who has no visual memories. Would there be emotions from past memories if there are no images. Would these people ever suffer with PTSD if flashbacks are such a part of the condition? Interesting research perhaps.
There is a term for not having visual images but I can't find it and Emily said it three times without me really getting what she was saying. I felt too embarrassed to ask again.
Then who? And about what. Oh yes the biological state of PTSD. What was going on in the brain. David L - can't remember his name. Clearly very knowledgable indeed but I found it repetitive and actually felt very sleepy by that time.
Then Peter Naish and his references to hypnosis and EMDR as possible cures. To be honest I'm not sure what else he was saying.
I was indeed very interested in the training that William Yule made reference to. Specialised training of psychologists to be able to treat large numbers of children as well as finding the resource to treat individuals. I would imagine anything I could get involved in would be difficult and costly but how fantastic to be working alongside him if ever there was a need. In my dreams.

Studying has gone well today. I will be getting another early night as I feel achey and drained of energy with this flipping period. Not to turn against myself as B reminded me this morning. I am disappointed but I don't feel down on myself. As she said it's very symbollic of things flowing through me. I have always felt a period is cleansing. And also she made the connection with the unusual event of last week in group. Did I write about it?
I don't know. I have spoken about it a few times so maybe I did maybe I didn't. It's very relevant on 2 accounts really. 1 that it was supernatural and they are few and far between yet interesting, 2. I have been thinking about the pregancy terminations I've had in the past and feeling sad - grief.
I was in group co-facilitating with S. A client was being asked about situations in her life. I have been feeling immense sadness anyway around her. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something white on my arm and even felt a feather-lite weight there. I thouht it must have been my scarf and lifted my arm to shake it off and back into place. As I looked there was nothign there and I had a sense that it was a baby. After the group I explained this to my colleagues who took me seriously when I thought they might not. When I verbalised that I had a sense it was a baby I felt very vulnerable. I felt vulnerable because I thouht they would think I am too strange to be allowed to work with clients. Anyhow they didn't, they both were supportive of the concept even saying that it was some deep connection. The S revealed that the client had had a baby terminated. This is what I am connecting with her at a visceral level. I didn't know about this. I so wished I hadn't shaken the baby off. It needed holding and grieving. For her and for me. I'm not connected to any emotion as I type this. However, when I was speaking to B about it she said something, I can't remember what, and I felt the sadness rise in me and tears formed. I am already geetting used to this though. I would have been a mother to boys and girls but I killed those babies. One termination in particular was very difficult for me. I actually had an induced birth. Painful and quite weirdly traumatising as I was drugged up and in and out of a doziness. I had to be awake of course. Horrid! I made those awful choices and am not proud that I was simply too scared to tell my mum. She would not have approved. And prior to that I simply was too selfish to give up my life. A has said sorry to me which was a realisation for him when he discovered he could not have children with his wife. How sad for us both. I could not have a child with me. So selfish and yet it was the decisio a th the time. Thre is no going back. I give those children to God to take care of. That was when I connected with the sadness and can feel it slightly now.

More and more I am connecting with God. I am very thankful. I feel a shift in my negativity. I hope with God's help I will continue to heal and grow.

I am grateful to fellowship and thank God for my engagement with it. I am pleased I have made a commitment to no relationships with men for a year. I do not want nor need a relationship. I need the space to develop a relationship with me, clean of food, God and the fellowship.

That reminds me I have not made 3 calls today. It feels too late now. I will make some calls in the morning and at lunchtime tomorrow.
Thursday already - I would love more time off with pay without losing leave entitlement. I do not want to be without emplyment - just less time spent in work without losing any income.
God if it's Your will please can you help with this. I know I need to update my CV. Let's see if I can do a little of that now.

Oh and have been watching Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress. What a beautiful little film by Dai Sijje. It's mainly autobiographical.

Bye for now
Bliss
XX

In response

Good morning S

How is your PMT? Any relief yet?

I am writing because I love your writing. Your honesty with yourself and the way you think about your experiences. And because I identify myself within your words.

My dad is ex-military and a total bigot. The odd thing is I am always attracted to the angst in a man. And I recognise this these days. I feel safe and as if they are strong and want ti take care of me. I always have found out that actually there is anger just under the surface. I sort of hero-worship for their bravery. Like I used to think cowboys are so manly and strong and brave.

Crazy - I romanticise all this and then discover that they are just angry and nasty to all including me. They want to look after me so long as I do exactly as they say. Unfortunately I am too much of a rebel and want to break free. I am very muddled around all this. I think it swings like the bi-polar does. After all look at the strong pull I had and can think about with M/s. I willingly wanted to learn to be completely giving of me. Ha how useless I was at that. I could not combat my own wants!! Good.

I also relate strongly to the way my size seems to be a focus of everything. I don't want to go out, or meet up with people. I never buy clothes. I make plans and cancel.

And so on. And as you remarked it is baffling how I take comfort in the unhealthy foods and yet feel dreadful immediately afterwards.

I have been studying the brain chemicals and the ways in which the natural opioids in out brains are stimulated hugely by sugars - bear in mind that sugars are high in some carbohydrates - white flour for example. So there is this genuine placating that takes place - briefly!! And if addictive, as I am, then this working with the addictive processes is lethal.

So it is a physiological process as well as an emotional and spiritual process. I am currently trying to eat healthier again after a few weeks of insatiable hunger which I truly believe is connected with the hormonal shifts of menopause. A magnified version for me of PMT and one that lasts longer.

And yes if you can take it HRT offers some relief from some of the symptoms - of which the ones I have are driving me crazy. I am gaining a little more acceptance - very slowly.

Right now I am relieved that the hunger has lifted and I am once again eating more healthily. I still allow myself all food types but stick to three meals per day - no snacks at all and minimise when I can the really high fat content and high sugar content. Plus I am walking every day even if only half an hour. And some sit ups again in the morning. All this had stopped for months. Loads of weight has piled back on. It's so frustrating that I turn to food to comfort when actually it no longer works. I would like to not turn to anything for comfort. I would like to be better practiced at working through whatever it is I am avoiding. Usually loneliness and sadness. Blah blah blah

Your birthday - you sound so similar to me. I thought for my 40th and my 50th I should do something big and special. I didn't. I am just not a big party person. Friends said I should have partied so for 2 years on the trot I arranged gatherings. It was nice but just not me. I enjoyed lots of people gathering for me - the first time was an exceptionally hot day and we had a huge gathering for a picnic. Everyone bought their own fare so the costs were zero - of course this was May.

The next year a friend suggested we have the picnic in her garden. Nice but actually I realised it was a lot of stress and I a not a big gathering type person

And I worried about who would come - I invited just about everyone I know from all over the world and some people I barely know too. Some of them I have never seen again which is no issue as they were people flitting by my life.

Since then I invite just my very closest friends - 3 of them and we go out for a meal. And then my other friend who doesn't like mixing with strangers (everyone is a stranger as she isolates really) we go out for an Indian meal or get a take away with her mum and sister. This year even that got bigger and more fussy than I really wanted.

I like it quiet and least fuss. But there are friends who say to me that I am not treating myself and that its a self esteem issue. I am not sure it is.

This year I had several gatherings with different friends simple quiet meals out.

It suits me.

And when PMT ish it may not be the easiest time to be working out what you want or need. There is no rush is there? You can decide not to decide for today.

I find it difficult to remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion even when it is prejudices and meanness. But they are of course allowed to be different from me.

I try to practice not trying to change peoples minds, being acceptant and not being afraid to put my views in too. However, it seems that some people are so prejudiced they cannot be open. It is pointless. I can continue to practice openness. I always hear something that is valuable to my own development.

However I have realised that there is no point in trying to put a different view across. Funnily enough a Chris I was pursuing for the wrong reasons was military and also bigoted. I couldn't understand why I so wanted him when he was so mean and nasty about the world. It's what I do. Overlook my own values just to try and be wanted. No more!

This means the path narrows I guess. But it is seemingly impossible to be with someone who has such opposing views. There needs to be some common ground within friendships.

As I read about your visit with Darren I felt quite concerned. I didn't like that you felt separate and their inhospitable ways and views - nah! Not nice.

It's funny what makes the world go around. I realise that I need to know meanness so that I also recognise inclusion and generosity and grace.

I work towards those qualities, I value them whereas those people who value segregation and closedness are really helpful in me finding my values. I just need to minimise time with them. Oh and stop trying to change them hahahaha.

I love reading your Blog - your thoughts. I hope you don't mind me having my thoughts on them. I will not send this of course to maintain your privacy. You just stimulate thoughts and ideas in me- thank you.

--

Bliss

XX

Purlieu

My place to roam around freely, my own bounds and confines.

Take whatever steps you can take without the fear of not being supported. Redefine the concept of support, and abundance so that it is not only money, but that it comes in whatever form is required and remembering that the definition of abundance is simply the ability to do what you want to do when you want to do it, no matter how it may happen. quote from Bashar

A must read for anyone interested in aiding health - especially useful hormonal info today
http://health-in-hand.co.uk/blog-2/


I have finally told those special few that I will not be returning to SL. It has sucked the life out of me now. Peda remains in tact in case some day in the future ...... but for now I realise I cannot deal well with the ingenuine people I am too sensitive. Instead I want to turn towards the good and light. I am not judging anyone at all - it is me that does not know how to deal with it. I have a lot of healing to do from the past and from recent experiences re-opening old wounds. No one in SL or Rl is to know those wounds exist - I need to stop being vulnerable with people who I am not safe with. A big lesson has been shown to me now I hope to learn to use the information provided.
I feel very sad saying goodbye but I cannot be sentimental about this - I wish to survive.

Bliss
XX

Harmony

I am feeling better - another day of it. I felt like cleaning yesterday which I haven't been feeling like doing. And I have a feel for getting back to work as well. This morning I feel "lighter" inside of me, like whatever it is the hormones seem to drag down on, well it seems not to be dragging. I have had little glimpses of this happening and then it returns. I feel less bloated as well. I am decreasing more easily. Thank goodness.
I pray and hope that it will not return. I need the doc and the psychiatrist to help. I really cannot cope well with it at all and I think it will help me to kill myself- whatever IT is.
I am concerned about finances too. I do have some savings which are accruing. That gives me a little leeway but of course as soon as I dip into them there will be no more accrual!!!!! So do I speak with my dad? Have I got the courage?
What are my fears? Well he has always been so judgemental and would get so angry with me. He wouldn't speak to me. He has considered me a loser and a failure I think. I am not sure those are his words but I certainly have felt his contempt of me. And just recently we have had a couple of sessions of getting on. So long as I don't interfere in the conversation too much. He still is interested in what is ME. But he is at least telling me about HIM. I do say more and more what is OK and what isn't which is progress. I just want him to love me. And for ME.
It's such a big hole that I seem to find truly difficult to let go of ... I am seeing SC again on Thursday. I have no idea from one week to the next what I will talk about.
last week I was very honest with him about my sexual behaviour last year and the shame that I felt. He specialises in the sex and love issues and was so gently with me. He practically told me what the other person was like. I was amazed and had to laugh. I felt truly sad that my arousal could only come from some dark associations. And yet even as I write it I can still feel the pleasure that came from it all. I had never dived into the behaviours in any real way before then. I was reeled in with my intrigue. First the couple I met in passing and curiously asking them so many questions. At the same time I was exploring the conflicting ideas of whether it is always addiction at play. I don't believe that at all. And I certainly do not judge people for the desire and indulgence. I know for me and now a couple of other people there is an association with arousal and being controlled and I think that comes from a childhood influence. It's interesting thinking about the possibility of being in a relationship where I might be able to start informing a loving partner of things that are stimulating etc without the need for them to have full control. I can see how that is terrifying for me. Even the thought of being the Domme - well that is how it would seem to me ..... I have a lot to learn and at my age!!! Now though I would prefer to learn sexuality within a loving and equal relationship. I hope that I will not return to that darker force. It seems so sad that it's so late. I am grateful in a way to have been brought down so hard by the break up of the relationship because I might not have explored further. That is bullshit. Things are as they are and thankfully I have many avenues of support. It has been an incredible experience on many levels.
I am so sad that it didn't work out. The person wasn't the right person. Our paths crossed and so many things were really good but at this time we are on slightly different planes. That's OK. I see how quickly I attached without the knwledge how to detach graciously. I should like to learn grace. But it's the loss of something I wanted. Grieve grieve grieve. I think as well the hormonal madness being a little calmer I have some mental strength to help myself manage the emotional issues that have been exploding out of me. And with SC's help, looking at the issues from a gentle and loving point of view. Containing the emotions raging out of me etc etc.
What I am pleased about is that I can look closer at the things that I get angry about. I hope that I can continue practicing this.
I was feeling afraid and confused with all the announcements yesterday about bin Laden and then a few days before the death of Gaddafi's son. It was someone else posting the refusal to hate the supposed enemies and instead mourn the loss of a living person. It was such a gentling thought and truly what I feel more comfortable with. I am afraid for this planet of all the madness and destruction. It is happening though.
It is lovely that I know so many people that are different. They are not hungry for amassing, they are trying to do things differently. Just get along in a gentle, calm manner. Wanting change of their own mental state. I really can attune to this today and the past few days once again. I feel the love and peace and stillness.
I have taken a moment to consider the lives of those men who have died as enemies to so many. Their death has not relieved any situations whatsoever. There is more doubt and suspicion if anything.
I feel sad for the losses of those that have loved them. They are at last in peace, no struggle or fear. No need for power. I pray that the craziness between people at every level might cease and instead there can be love for each other, tolerance for differences, embracing life itself. Awareness of passions and what that motivates in ourselves being wary to consider costs to others. Empathy. Honesty - being vulnerable to gain strength. Growing and developing self awareness and awareness of others without assumption.

I need to focus on studying now

Bliss
XX

Dukan so you can too

Well this diet is intriguing. M. Dukan has written and book and a Recipe Book too so of course I am suspicious of the money making machine ... however RF looks very well and it seems do-able. Well so far I am not in the leat bit hungry. Actually the opposite. And in theory there should be a rapid weight loss in the first 4 days. Well we will see. He doesn't alk much about the effects when menopausal. I HATE this change in my hormones, it does all sorts of things I do not plan for and I do not seem to have even the slightest bit of control over it. Grrrrrrr.

I have not got much writtne at all for my essay. However, I have the research together now and I think one last read through some bits this evening might make things just a little bit clearer.
I just don't know how to get started.


Bliss
XX

Pippi

I spoke with Pippi. I am not gong to visit SL for the foreseeable future. So tonight I went for one last time to give her all the silly things I have and the LM's of the lovely places I have been. I met Pippi and her friend. I gave them some playful things and LM's, one last parachute off the Eifel Tower, had one last bounce on the trampoline and fired myself from the canon and said goodbye. It was funny because her friend said I was like a fairy Godmother giving them lots of gifts and taking them to magical places and then leaving never to be seen again. That made me smile and felt nice. I really enjoyed this little time with them, playing and giggling. I have never done that in SL before. What a great couple of people. I am glad to have met them. I will have contact as before with CD and I am glad of our curious friendship. How wodnerful to be bourhgt together through the mystery of the Internet.

It was a good farewell for me. A nice ending - no darkness just light and creativity. SL end for me.
I had hoped to locate the psychologist at the University there but it wasn't to be and so I could contact him via the OU anyway. But I haven't really got time anymore for personal interest research. Study study study my priority!!

I have JH on my mind all the time and want to be loyal to him as my friend. I have no desires for another Master or meeting another man. I love him. And the transition to friends is really important to me. I enjoy JH and it's good not to have all the insecurities we create in each other when we are just moseying along together - easy peasy.

I have started opening my books and looking at the DVDs for my course. Fascinating. I think I need some help putting a timetable together. Time to study, time to work, time for relaxation, time for friends. How on earth will I do this. Universe please show me how??????

The doc was really nice. I hadn't met her before. I gave her a long list of symptoms. She is also in menopause and said that a lot of the symptoms are familiar with menopause. She also can't take HRT so referred me to a reliable website to have a read of helpful tips. I ignored this so far today.

http://www.menopausematters.co.uk/

Anyhow she wants to repeat some blood tests as there were some last Aug that were on the low end of OK and its apparently important to check as in menopause changes can be fast and often symptoms are overlooked assuming everything is menopause.So a load of blood to be taken and after a 12 hour fast too. Poo.
I just feel generally unwell. Tired and absolutely no energy. I really find this very frustrating. Walking today was truly hard work. I would be miserable if walking was taken from me. I love walking, being out with the wind and the rain and the sunshine and the frost and the views and the dogs and the freedom of space. Wind in my hair, air on my skin. I could not bear life without walking. If this were a horror story then my worst nightmares would be easy to haunt me with ..... :)

It's late now = going to sleep.
Missing JH. It surely will get easier. Won't it?????

Goodnight
Bliss
XXX

Feebility????????

M is back! It's lovely to have her here.

I felt ill this morning. A really odd sensation. As if I am not connected to my brain. Sensory information is being taken in and even seems famiiar but it is not making sense. This surely is migraine. My vision seems impaired and words seem not to make sense. It's a sort of dissociation. It scares me that I might stay in that state and never associate or reconnect properly again. What a horrid state to be left in. I do not relish the idea of being stuck in my body. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly had a really profound effect on me - and the recent news item I heard of a man also in the locked in syndrome. How absolutely terrifying like being buried alive too.

I had to take myself to bed. I slept apparently for about 45 minutes. It made me laugh too because J had called and M spoke to him. Then E called and M spoke to her too. M has been in contact with y friends more than I have today.

I did gradually come together through the day (I am now writing this on Monday - thefollowing day).
I just felt feeble and feel so ashamed of feeling ill and showing my weakness. Grrrr.

Love, nurture and greatness. Smiling

“I am an example of what is possible when girls from the very beginning of their lives are loved and nurtured by people around them." Michelle Obama 02/04/09
I felt very angry and later sad when I read this quote. That was after at first feeling very strong admiration. She has been a great achiever and seems to portray a real sense of self. Yes I can see that has been given to her from a very young age. Cynically I think yeh bet she hasn't had all that loving and nurturing from the beginning of her life. It's just something she says. But if she has she is very lucky indeed. I felt angry coz I think the dysfunction within my family unit has contributed to me not really having a grip in the way of the world. I was ill-prepared for emotions and found strategies to deal with them that in the end have been damaging. I don't blame my mum and dad. I know my mum loved me but I can see how her ways of loving me were distorted through the history of her own family. My dad is I believe very screwed up and just didn't know any better.
But it pisses me off that it's only now, all these years later, thatn I am learning how to let myself be love and nurtured by the people around me and more importanly these days myself.
I am sad too that it has taken all this time. What a lot of potential has just been flittered away. It's not with regret - it's purely sadness.
I am also positive right now and tehrefore able to see how fortunate I am to have discovered a different way that is lovng and nurturing. Many, many people don;t ever get to experience what I have been experiencing in the last 8 years. And I can see great change and progress within me.
It is a pity in some ways that it's happening at 48 (nearly 49) but it's happening and that's the most important thing.
I was trying to explain this morning, when chatting with my friend E, just how much more freedom I am experiencing. I am wary that it's just a fleeting moment. And I put the shackles straight back on when I say this, but I think once achieved, freedom and happiness must be attained at all times - as E said, it's something to reach. But the freedom comes back again when I accept that for today I feel this way. Everything feels so much lighter and just the way it is. "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems". It's true it is. Yesterday I noticed how the feelings were current, not loaded with the shame and pain of the past. I can't even remember what the current feeling was because I talked about it and it's gone.
Even though my dad hasn't had contact, the pain is lessened and I think that's because I have been sharing with friends and support just how sad I have felt about that. The hurt that that has caused me and how I interpret it as being a bad and wrong person. And then people not keeping in contact or choosing not to have me as a friend anymore is reinforcing messages to me that I am a bad and wrong person. The truth is that I am very aware that past behaviours have been damaging to people and for that i am truly, truly sorry. It's true too that today I continue to make mistakes and have ways that are still not helathy or helpful. The difference is that I am willing to take a look at these behaviours and work towards changing them if I agree that there is a detrimental affect on others that is nothing to do with them bringing their issues into it as well. This people with people stuff is so complex and I belive I can be blamed for others' feelings and their own issues they bring to any relationship.
So yes I will take a look at my behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, etc and if there is room for improvement I will try to make changes. But I am not going to change things that work for me and are not loaded with selfishness etc. If I check my motives and really, really they are clean and pure then that is OK with me.
Gosh I really am strong and positive today.
It's a pleasing difference.
However, I am not studying.
Oh and with that change I have noticed how I am looking to see if I have had email replies from A. And feeling disappointedf and even angry with him when I haven't. Grr at me. How quickly the love addiction swoops in and takes over. The point is that after 2 years of not having contact with men and damaging relationships I would like to have a balance of mena dn women friendships. I have very close and supportive friends and I believe that takes a long time of a lot of effort and empotional intimacy. It's not that I am looking for. I would like to have a circle of people of both genders that bring a fullness to me relating with people. Yes it would be nice to be special to someone and to learn to have a special closeness with a man. Somethign I have never done in my complete mad life. This means developing friendships and just that. Being muyself, hearing others being themselves and accepting them as they are. And like I have learnt when having close friendships with women I can practice discernment. I think before a man could come into my life it would take several years of freindhsip now. Yet here I am mentally forcing the issue already.
I am aware of this and as an addict practicing recovery, the awareness enables me to alter my behaviour and attitude. So I commit here and now to stop this active desire for a boyfriend and see what happesn.
This is freedom to me - seeing what happens. Not trying to take control and force things to happen. There is a balance between just sitting back and hoping things will happen but so long as I don't allow the addictive me to push things then I can blow with the wind a little more.
Phew what a relief. That means I don't have to be anything I am not. I am who I am, I have lived the life I have lived and what people think of that is up to them. Freedom.
I am nurturing myself and loving myself. I can be great you see!

I had a lovely day with my friend M. After the morning meeting T, M and I had coffee and then M and I returned to my flat for lunch. As always we covered lots of topics. A lot is about her feelings as she has stopped smoking. I truly believe it to be the hardest thing I have given up. It shocks me still that something that seems so small is so, so powerful over the emotions. And all these giving up techniques and products forget or don't realise what is underneath the smoking. I am certain it's not just addicts that encounter this - after all anyone who smokes is an addict but most people associate addiction with drugs and alcohol. People don't seem to realise that behaviours can be addictive to - it's the individual who is the addict and can use just about anything to escape emotions. I also tend to think that the majority of people don't "do" emotions. That society has been teaching humans over the years to control emotions and supress them. Therefore I don't give credit to people outside of a self-awareness working model credit that they know how to process feelings etc. I intellectually know this is true but it's a judgement I make and can bias myself. However I do experience a large number of people who are just so not self-aware or prepared to look at themselves. And certainle seem unable or unwilling to disclose their feelings about things, maybe even totally unaware of their feelings.
Ther I go again, being judgemental and pointing the finger.
Such ego - I know best. It happens when I am feelign good and positive. I so quickly switch into thinking I have sucha a good handle on things and life. Guess what happens the next day or soner sometimes, I have a great big humbling session. I do have a lot of grwig wisdom but by no means know very much at all. I want to stay open to being teachable and can't learn anything if I think I am superior.
Blimey somethimes it's so hard justifying myself.
I am feeling good today and that's all I need to say.
Good doesn't mean that I am simply happy - good means that I have the full gambit of emotions. I am happy for the sunshine and for self-awareness and at least some way through the backlog of studying. I am happy I have the next week off before starting my new job for which I am feeling excited. I am feeling sad that my father has even less time for me yet here I am not contacting him either. I need to remember that when I do speak with him he is usually very damning of me and what I am doing and berates me just for being me and my passions. That's why I don't have contact with him. It still hurts that he doesn't seem to like me at all. So yes I am sad and still hurt about that. As for my childhood with him - well thankfully the pain of that seems to be less today. The legacy of it seems to be further away for today.
I am anxious about nmy lack of ability to disciline myself to study and therefore this raises my anxiety about being able to do my research project and report write-up (2500 words - shit!)
I would love to spend a day and night camping next weekend with M and T too but won't be able to if I don't get on with my studies.
I am hopeful about a succesful future. I feel smiley today.
I am feeling puffed up and hormonal and I feel angry and hateful about that.
There. If there are other emotions I don't know them right at this moment.
OK - some thoughts down now surely I can get on. Byeeeeeee

Saturday - what a week!

28th Feb 2009 23.35

Having kept a jounral for many years now I thought I'd have a go at this blog thing. I don't expect anyone to read it. So I'm not certain why I am doing this. This sounds an incredibly boring start to my blogs. Anyway it is my thought, honest and open!
As I travelled to my OA meeting this morning I was semi engaged with the radio broadcast. It led me to thinking how I have been for many years now defined by my tragedy. As a young girl I was attracted to tragedy. My heroines being Sylvia Plath, Marilyn Monroe and similar tragic characters. Somehow there was a mystic about them that I adored and wanted for myself.
This concept, this realisation is new and so still forming and therefore difficult for me to articulate fully at this time. Mind you by tomorrow I will be having a completely new realisation and no doiubt on a very different tangent - this one will be discarded for the new toy!
Howecer for today ..... being dramatic, craving tragedy has been a lifetime of existing. And then because it wasn't attractive or rather what was going on in my family needed ot be "kept within these four walls", I think this is why I found ways to curb my desire for tragedy. I wonder if tragedy was my way of crying out to be noticed - "here, this is me!!!". Anyway, I discovered boys and hedonism. It was a sort of way of rebelling. At the time I was rebellious in a good two shoes kind of a way. I didn't really want to get caught so it was all out of sight of authority, my dad. Blah, blah, blah. Anyway, as time went on the only way I could be hedonisitc or rather partying and out there in an extrovert sort of way was to be drunk and later drugs. These blocked my need for tragedy, I just wanted fun, fun, fun.
Phew I got it. It's been a pretty full life and experiences I hadn't thought I had wanted when I was little and wanting to be a ......... do you know I can't remember ever wanting to be an anything in particular????
Anyway I will leave this realisation room for development. Tragedy being a way of defining me, the only way for there to be any depth to me. So many external things define me. I like it though when I am just me - whoever and however that is??
I also want to claim my love for satirical comedy. Not that I am up to date on current affairs. I often get up to date through satirical shows such as The News Quiz today on Radio 4 hosted by Sandi Toksvig today. Funny little things these clever people say. I just like they way they think and I laugh out loud all on my own. I am looking forward to the return of I Haven't a Clue.
I really get to feel happy after caffeine. I think I need to knock it on the head - yet again! It works rapidly and I get a real high and ever so ever so chatty. It's like being on cocaine.

My mood is low in the monrings at the moment. I dreamt last night yet another anxiety dream. I was at the airport terminal (one) I think but it was circular and a lot of glass. I could see where I needed to get to but just couldn;t move quick enogh. It's the second similar dream, the last one also involving an airport and being alte for the plane but not being able to run fast enough - terminal 3 that time and Air India. Virgin Atlantic this time. I also dreamt that I met Mick (first husband), second time of dreaming about getting together with him. Last time he turned out to be a heroin addict and I wanted to be injected to. I watched him inject his groin. This time he turned out to be a gambler. I was aware of being really upset and disappointed and not knowing hoe to get out of it this time. Dreams mean a lot but usually I get the message a while afterwards. I think the anxiety dreams are really indicative of what's driving my low mood. And the Mick dreams are seeming to tell me I am not ready yet - still picking people that are not healthy for me. Drawn to that dysfunction to use a trendy word.

What else can I write about this dreadful week- actually couple of weeks. My car breaking down and costing a small fortune relatively speaking. Being told I may have had a stroke after a serious migraine. Visitng the stroke clinic and various eye tests - spending more money out on new glasses! Then an interview at the P and a lot of indecision being arunsed and I havent't been offerd a job - yet!! I will be so disappointed and rejected if they don't but then if the money isn't right I can't afford to take it despite thinking the work will be appropriate for me and lots of other benefits to me.

And I am behind on my studies that causes me anxiety
Oh and the bloody male-Irish-dog or menopause!!! On and off with the symptoms. I can safely say I am not enjoying one little bit the process of ageing. Grrrrrrrrr.

Yep this week has been troublesome for me and is the week following the troublesome week before. Trying to find some gratitude and can when I have had caffeine! he he he he

I am not certain how often I will write on this blog. Hope I can remember the address - no idea how to get back to add to it.
LouLou seems to be aching more since stopping the Metacam. I think I need to return to the vets and discuss this with them. I am jst worried that the medication wil have other effects on organs and things. I really can't abide the idea of being without her and I don't want her to be getting older or in pain. Ageist - I am one. Not proud of this fact and have to work hard not to act on my ageism. Ageist against myself too.

Anyway I am going to bed now to hopefully be bright enought o start essay planning tomorrow.
No bell ringing tomorrow - church still closed.