That was wrong of me.

Thank you God I can see.
I'm not clear what to do now so please guide me so that I can do only the bests for other people.

What can I see? My part in the flow of things. It gets clearer and I hope it's clearer for good so long as I keep working away at my spiritual recovery.
Okay what I see is this, my part in the flow of interactions and specifically I will refer to Friday. I hope not to bore in the process as it's connected with dear ol' PD and work. I am a constant critic of PD's style. I think he's directive and shuts people down. It irritates me, sometimes infuriates me and I think because for so long I was shut down and I shut people down and now I am learning that people have their feelings. And yet there I was in this little process not liking his anger. Actually he said "I am fucking furious".
Okay details. We were in group and I had suggested that a peer ask his group what they thought of him. Some people are forthcoming and expressed their thoughts, others need encouragement to share. Whilst those who won't easily share were quiet PD jumped in and started telling the person what they needed to think and feel, which irritates the hell out of me, but also was not encouraging the others to share their considerations of this persons question. And so I interrupted him basically because I was feeling angry with him for not seeing it. I saw his flash of fury and then stay shut down for the rest of the group. After the group when we usually sit down and process, he didn't want to discuss anything. He said right then I have to get on as R is arriving. I was surprised and asked about processing the group to which he said no was there anything I thought needed processing and i said yes loads. He said such as. And I said well you seemed angry, which was the point when he said he was fucking furious. I was immediately shocked at the extent of his fury but also understood. It's great because I also wanted to shut down his anger but didn't entirely. He said he didn't want to talk about there and then so I said okay, and he he went onto to say that I am de-skilling him and  we're working at different levels here and it's not okay. He's right. And I can see how my thoughts and feelings about his style are coming out in my practice. I create a friction between us that the group will pick up on.He is right and was wrong in this action I took. What I need to do is after the group talk about my feelings about interactions. I often feel angry when a client is just expressing their feelings and PD starts telling them what to do. But as my sponsor says I need to focus on the clients reaction to PD and not work against him instead work with what he presents and keep aware of my emotions and how I respond with them. I have been reacting to emotions not fully acknowledging them and instead becoming the protector of the clients emotions. This is great to see.
Now I need to make amends. I will say to PD tomorrow that he was right in what you've picked up and it was wrong of me.
I have to let go of wanting him owning his part in things. I just say my amends and that's it and listen.
And speaking with S, I can be light about it and say, that was wrong of me on Friday and I'm  really sorry.
That was wrong of me and I am sorry. That's all it takes.
An the other area of growth and self-awareness is that I need to start saying during the processing of the groups that I was feeling angry about xxxx, and see what happens.
Oh God thank you for showing me, for opening my eyes more and more

Bliss
XX

Eating the black pot

I write this with trepidation of my honesty.

On Friday evening, I one again attended the meeting to face my "somethings" with certain personalities. I write somethings because I'm not clear on me emotions surrounding these personalities but know that the 12th tradition focuses on principles not personalities. Week after week I've been going along with a view to learning about me with certain personalities. I can see similarities with K & C, they are a couple, and L(ex-Priory, please note the ex bit), PD and my dad. They are rude and abusive and I feel overwhelmed by them, afraid and angry all at the same time. I get confused, not knowing if it's me that's THE problem or them. And I now often think of Gregory Bateson since my friend JdB introduced me to him.

"... the behavior of person X affects person Y, and the reaction of person Y to person X’s behavior will then affect person X’s behavior, which in turn will affect person Y, and so on. Bateson called this the “vicious circle”. He then discerned two models of schismogenesis: symmetrical and complementary. Symmetrical relationships are those in which the two parties are equals, competitors, such as in sports. Complementary relationships feature an unequal balance, such as dominance-submission (parent-child), or exhibitionism-spectatorship (performer-audience)" Wikipedia, accessed 26th May 2014

So, it has been my intention to understand what behaviour I exhibit that affects person Y. Weeks and weeks ago now, a person came along to the meeting and put to the conscience the idea of changing the format. My first little resentment was set in place  but I kept it in check because ..... because it was the gracious thing to do., despite not really feeling the good grace. And so everyone went about drumming up support resulting in K&C coming along and taking over. Literally, they took over, I was insulted when they suggested that there was no one there with any length of sobriety. I said that I had 12 years and they overlooked that and one or the other, K I think said something along the lines of real sobriety, i.e. 20 years or more. It really infuriates me how they think they are so f'ing superior. I find it so ugly. But also because it puts me down. No humility in me either then!! I do laugh at myself. I refer to the idiom "the pot calling kettle black". And so as not to beat myself up, I remind myself that these are the very things I continued to show up for, to learn about me.

Resentments growing, at another meeting K made a statement to me "aren't you giving up your treasury service?" To which I responded "No!". And afterwards I thought about it, not wanting to really attend the meeting anymore and also not liking doing the treasury and regularly messing it up without ever telling anyone, I decided that yes I would hand in the service after all. And so, as is often the case, I added it all up at the last minute and where it didn't tally I made it tally. I walked in and angrily handed it over to K without so much as your leave and glad to be rid of it and any more pressure from him. Ha! I thought there you go, now it's all yours. Or so I thought. The next time I saw him he pointed out to me smugly that the money didn't balance and it was £4 something under. I was annoyed that he was smug and pointing out my error. I was embarrassed too. As what he doesn't know is that none of it balanced and so I made it fit together. So last week when he accused me of taking AA's money, he could be right or wrong. I am adamant though that it is an error and he is just being a f'ing nasty bully. How he behaved in the meeting this week however, was rather unnecessary. He was openly accusational and then mocking in a tantalising manner. I am pleased that I did not respond. I asked for a conscience with a view to come to a solution that was agreed by the group not K. 

The way in which he behaved finally made my decision for me and that is not to return to the meeting. I have witnessed K & C upset too many people. I have taken this personally and I realise not because of him but because of my own part in this. It has taken me a little while to really own it and see it but yesterday it became clear.

My sponsor this morning said to consider with God if I return the money or not. I have decided I will. But more importantly I want to call and offer an apology to K for the way in which I handed the treasury over. I will say that and add that it as wrong of me to hand it over in the way that I did without going through it and that it was done with bad attitude as I was angry with him. 

The difference is a mathematical mistake and I have been embarrassed by the mistake. I do not owe the money as I have not taken the money. However, I will arrange for £5 to be donated to the meeting to make up the difference.

This has been a great learning opportunity for me. Numbers have always been an issue for me and so taking on the treasury was hard but a chance to learn. I have learnt a lot.

Then I need to listen to anything he has to say and thank him for his feedback, whatever he has to say. I am hoping he'll be apologetic himself and I don't want his smugness and attitude but I just have to listen. And then I can say how are you K? And C? And wish them a good Spring Bank holiday.

So I need to make that call now. I want it over and done with but also am excited to relieve myself of my guilt. That is not the purpose of an amends. Ugh realising that I need to listen to whatever he has to say was a dampner on the excitement and a humbling check in.

I will write something else beforehand to reduce the excitement further. But what? 

I did not do any studying at all yesterday. I did carry out the discussion in connection with my research project for the main module. But I have this fill-in module and essay on the 

...... a phone call from E and then I made the call. Said what I had written above and grrrrrr he said well thank you for your apology and I hope it brings you peace now. Arrogant shit!! Oh and added that no doubt we'll see each other sometime. I will arrange the £5 to be delivered. I half expected him to own his shit but no! He repeated that he hoped it brought me peace now and I replied "thank you" on both occasions. Nothing more and nothing less. I wished it had but I feel grrrrrr. 

I wanted to say that I hadn't been without peace. But now I just have another resentment. I pray for K. Please God guide me. How do I let go?

Ha! I do laugh at myself. All my hopes for feeling free and wanting forgiveness and none of that, merely a thanks for my apology and wishing me peace. But perhaps he really meant it as well, who knows.

Bliss

XX