Assymetry

A distorted image of who my parents were that I didn't want to let go of and then they both died without me ever being able to directly make amends.
Shit!

Bliss

Unkind People

 I think this morning I have got some clarity. It's been a long time coming. And it's required me to really hang on.  Thank you God for the strength to hang on in there and the clarity that's being given.
Suddenly things lifted when I realised I need to make amends to G. I can so easily sit in judgement and then be blind to me. I want to make amends for acting in the emotion when I asked him to leave. I am very touchy, sensitive and when he said "and there are grey areas around your dad too" I flipped.
And no doubt he will sense my uncertainty about our relationship. I am uncertain. I am not sure if I want to be with someone who appears to have so many issues. It's my opinion. And I see that it's possible that my issues will pick up on his issues and the result is obliteration.
I appreciate how he stood by me during the most difficult of times recently. And how I'm wanting him to continue to be sensitive to my sensitivity. It can be so destroying and I never ever mean to be unkind and hurtful. Sometimes I don't even know I have been and only blame. Then it's even harder because I want G to change and it's all about me me me getting what I want and need. I am thoughtless at times. Other time I think I'm overly considerate. Either way it ends up me being intense and thinking it's all about me.
I do oscillate about this relationship. I want all that's good and falter with things when they are difficult. I am not always sure I find G attractive and yet other times I just see him and feel utter attraction. I would prefer to be with someone who is working and earning reasonable money. I know I have an odd relationship with money. I despise it and want for equality but in this unequal society I want and I feel jealous of those who have. So I think that contributes. I wonder if I'd have the courage to say that to G. It's not a judgement of him but I don't think it would be helpful. It's the truth though and there must be a way of saying it gently and with love. What else? I do find myself getting drawn into mood shifts. I have them too - this period has been a fine example of it. I'm less tactile, far more sensitive, I'm much more irritable and discontented abut everything. I know this disperses into every other area. I just can't see it completely. I'm unaware how others get affected. Some are more in the firing line or more sensitive to me as well. I am sorry for that. I continue to work at it. The more distant people are the less they are likely to be impacted upon. G has been up close and personal and so I appreciate he will have taken the brunt.
It doesn't detract from the fact that there are things about him I'm unsure about. I don't like his judgement of others when it's so negative, his instant dislike of people, his lack of sociability. I don't like his deceitfulness, I end up distrusting. If he can lie to them he can lie to me very easily too. And he has said he only tells me what I need to know. I guess I do the same but mainly because he react so badly, distrusts and punishes me in little ways. He can be spiteful. I understand where it all comes from in a lot of ways but that doesn't mean it's alright to be on the receiving end of all the time. And it seems that he doesn't want to alter that in any way. He wants to find peace and contentment by himself - away from people. That saddens me. I'd like to find peace and contentment with him. Maybe it's either accepting him just the way he is and this is when I start battling and thinking I'm in the wrong. How long can I keep going trying to accept before we destroy each other entirely and there's no room for friendship. It ended early enough with JB for there to be friendship which I think will be everlasting.

And then there's this ...... I missed not being able to text someone and say exactly what I saw and felt joy. I love being able to do that with G or anyone actually but especially with someone who is responsive and feels the same way often. But there are also times when I just want contact because it's better than not ... that's not good friendship.
So when I saw this this morning it really resonated. And I wouldn't want G or anyone doing that to me. Of course there's an element of wanting people so keeping in contact but that can be too much over the top and then it's unhealthy.



It would be nice if there were people who were reading this Blog and would comment with their thoughts experiences and opinions. It would make it more dynamic somehow. However, I don't want people I know closely to be reading it as often it's about them and very personal and unthought through. When I get to seeing me is when it's okay. When I'm blaming it's not okay. If you know what I mean. The blaming is not the real me it's the angry hurt me.


Bliss
XX

LIES

Sometimes, what's really cool, Bliss, is giving profuse thanks for the good fortunes that befall others - no matter who they are - because, invariably, your joy for them will yield the same good fortunes for you.

Shoe-wee!
The Universe

Not easy to do but I'm prepared to practise this. However, I feel angry and I see how much of a block it is to being able to practise such spirituality. The thing is I do feel angry and I guess I need to let it out. I just don't know how to do that well. I have in the past raged and in my rage I can be so destructive. I don't want to be destructive anymore.
So how do I vent my anger. I'm sharing about.
I'm angry that my dad left everything to his wife. I'm angry that he wouldn't allow me to be close with him in anyway and was actually just rude. I'm angry that he has cut me out for the past 11 and a bit years. I am angry so won't even allow it to move towards 12 years.
I'm angry that he bothered to keep in contact and I'm also confused about this. I'm angry that he more than likely (but I don't know for certain) told T, his wife a whole host of untruths about everything including my mum and me too. How fucking dare he. I'm angry yet I don't know this for sure. And I'm angry about that too.
I'm angry as I'm discovering that all these years I've known him to be a liar but I've been too afraid to challenge that. I'm angry that my mum did nothing about it. As someone said denial perhaps and how strong denial can be. I'm angry that she might have been in denial as I've always thought her more together than that. Perhaps I was just hopeful. And I'm angry that she might have known more about the way my dad was towards me but did nothing at all about it. I'm fucking furious about that because it's taught me that it was actually the right way to be treated.
I'm angry that I'm so bloody well controlled by other people. I'm angry that within that I'm compliant yet rebellious and resentful inside. Or I desperately attempt to control and can't even see yet how that manifests in me. I know that I can be secretive, dishonest, manipulative and flounder attempting to justify. Just today I didn't say that I didn't mean to share specific details but to share how a person feels about situations. And this person can sense my avoidance. That's it avoiding owning the reality which some of it this morning was not knowing what the reality for me actually was. So flipping infuriating.
I'm angry that my dad abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. And I'm angry that at times I question whether that's even true. It was true for me! I'm angry that my dad was never made answerable for that. There is justice at a higher level. I need to trust that.
I'm angry that he disinherited me and discredited me and this I do know as he's openly belittled me for as long as I can remember. And in my anger I'm prepared to discredit him. I am bloody deliriously happy that other people know he was a liar. It's vindicating. So other people knew too. Someone asked me why I'm not angry with them for doing nothing all these years. I was angry. I didn't understand how people could stand by and not do a thing about it. But denial is easier. I am concerned that the little girl opposite me has been abused in some way by her father. He was odd and now isn't around thank goodness. I felt so uncomfortable with him. A would scream oddly at times and behave outrageously. He asked me to take her under my wing. Yuch! And yet did I do anything? NO. It's quite a frightening thing to do. But we as adults are these days told we are all responsible for the safeguarding of children. And there was nothing like this when I was younger. People turn a blind eye. What goes on behind closed doors is no one else's business. I'm not angry with those people anymore. What could they do with their own uncertainty?
I'm angry though. I'm bloody angry.
And then I'm angry with me. I'm afraid of people. I'm in the grips of power of it. Powerless over people, places and things. And yet I give people so much power. They have control over me and I am furious about it. It's not them. Well they have their part. If everyone was simply loving and giving - apart from boring - things would be easier. I am sick and tired of giving my power to people. I don't know how to alter this but I am seeing it more clearly.
On Wednesday I met with PW, a friend of my fathers from the HAC. I had always believed because my dad implied it, that they had served together in Korea. No. It turns out they met when my dad was in the HAC. My dad was a sergeant apparently with MT (motor transport). Basically I've discovered what I always thought, that my dad was an oik. He tried to be something else. He was a snob. My mum was but at least she admitted it. I am a snob too but a lot more covert. I want to be from wealth and graciousness. Why? It's crazy, because others seem to respect money and status and power.
PW told me an endless stream of his adventures in life. Surviving Cancer in his 50's, a scholarship to Brentwood. But at 14 years old he joined the army. He joined within education and so when in Korea he was a correspondent. My dad implied that PW didn't see the raw end. But he landed in the Battle of the Hook. And having read about that briefly as with all wars, it was devastated with casualties.
PW and JH are uncertain about my dad's honesty. They are questioning the medals my dad has actually worn. PW said that they think he wore medals he wasn't entitled to wear. PW wanted my permission to explore this further. As we talked and talked, he said we really clicked. I told him that my dad sexually abused me. He was sad for me but was neither shocked nor surprised and said this. He told me that my dad was the randiest man he had ever met. I feel it in my female areas as I write it. It disgusts me to know it yet is also a relief. People are not disbelieving m. I told my second cousin LW last Friday. She was sad for me having asked why I thought the relationship between my dad and I was so awful. hey apparently had wondered as a family for some time why it was like it was. I told her. The sexual abuse of course gets the reaction but really it was the emotional ad mental abuse that;s just if not more destructive. I thought I was the problem for as along as I can remember. That has had a devastating impact on my life. Yes I am sorry for the behaviours that I brought to my parents' door. But frankly there are situations from childhood that have contributed to my inability to fully function effectively. I have had little or no self esteem. I do recall in my 20's thinking I was indestructible yet feeling so worthless. I was unworthy of a relationship I would have liked instead accepting crumbs. Always! Still do.
I am so angry about this. But how do I release this anger? It feels like an energy that is bursting out of me. Yet I don't know how to let it out. Sometimes it simply phut phut's out. Other times it roars out of me. Addictive behaviours have been ways of expelling anger. Dramatic reactions another. And some addictive behaviours I think are closely associated with things that happened in the past. FUCKING HELL!
So now do I contest the will? I think I need to. It's about the money but it's also about the principle of it all. He completely denied the past. I suspect he had to to cover his lies in the past years with T. But it is pure speculation on my part. And infuriating that I can't get the truth out there. Having it publicised in court is quite a cathartic idea. I've feigned difficulty with the idea. I believed it at the time but actually the difficulty is the entire situation, even my discomfort with it being about the money to any extent at all. I feel guilty and thieving; my dad's thoughts about me. He always said I would steal the bricks of the house if I could. He thought I was a taker. I probably am but it's not all I am. I'm very caring and giving. I like people and I care about people. I am a trier even if I don;t attain the top. I achieve as best as I can and that's good enough. My dad didn't have any self respect so he was never ever going to have any respect in mediocre me. He was less than mediocre as a man so had to fabricate his status as a hero. I wanted him to be the hero he said he was. He instilled in me the belief that high achievers and high status was the only thing worthwhile. And of course money and medals and things like that were the evidence. Poor him, never ever feeling good enough and more than likely right to his bitter end. And I was a disappointment to him.
He called me and said I love you and wish you the best for the  future. Did he really? Was anything he said or did believable. There must have been some truth in there somewhere.
And then G arrives here in his grumpy mood and snaps at me when I speak about how I'm feeling and thinking as meaning  nothing. Fuck off then. Take your constant grumpy mood away. I'm tired of people. Tired of being bloody well scared and controlled. I am not happy with this situation. And whilst I try to be acceptant there are beginning to more things that are dissatisfactory than not. A magnificent man, nice, intelligent, interesting, quick witted, amusing, passionate about birds and flowers and such like and some people. But there are behaviours and attitudes too that are completely horrible. I am tired of it. I need space and a break. How do I do this? Well however he reacts is up to him. He dog sits soon. But I want space and time before then. Maybe that;s all it is, me wanting some space and time. I am tired of being criticised based on his issues. I'm tired of being accused for things I do not do. I'm tired of being controlled i.e. not being able to have my friends arrive when I want or go out when I want. Is that selfish? Perhaps it is but it's how it is for me. And I'm tired of his mess. He's done some lovely things.
He owes me money and it's funny that as he might get some money he is getting grumpier and probably working towards an exit left. Apparently the left hand side of the stage is bad luck or something. However, I can't find anything on a first look on the Internet. Anyway I am using it in that context, meaning linked with nastiness or resentment and all words that could be associated with this.
So if people don't like me then simply fuck off. What's the point of badness hanging around. There are plenty of people with whom there is no badness overall. Perhaps if I was living with them in my life to the same scare the badness would always become more significant for me. I am demanding and want to simply be more accepting. I think transience can make acceptance easier. Perhaps?

So how am I going to practise giving profuse thanks for T's inheritance from my dad?Especially when I feel so angry. It's almost as if by giving profuse thanks I let go of it completely. And yet the idea is that being profusely thankful I receive in heaps and bounds. It would be releasing. Please God help me to be profusely thankful for T's windfall. Please can I have a windfall as well somehow?
What would I do with it? Well my dad's message would be that I will fritter it away on some fucking idiot. So what if I did? Is that so wrong? It was in his bigoted opinion. PW agreed with me when I called him a bigot. And PW married a Chinese lady. How international PW seemed. But I saw him get quite angry and pompous with a lady behind the bar when he couldn't get the life. His ego rose sharply to the surface. He also spent nigh on 5 hours talking about himself. Interesting. Yet there were moments of humble acts he talked about. If he was truly humble I don; think he would tell me about his decision to leave money anonymously to Brentwood. And I was aware how important money and status was for him too. He talked about it all the way through. He has a remarkably charmed life though and that was fascinating. I am profusely thankful for him although a little envious too. I'd like to have some of what he has. And I was horrified that as I sat there talking about how painful it has been to be disinherited by my father, he talked about disinheriting his own children. He talked about his daughter in a derogatory manner. I think he might have been more thoughtful about that but he wasn't to know how dreadful I feel as a result of my dad's constant castigation of me. It rubs off and I believe it.
I would like for this to lift. And so with a relapse on my food on Wednesday I am returning to Step One with a look at the ways in which I give power to people. I was so afraid to ask for the food I needed to remain abstinent and as a result I ate bread! I couldn't ask for veg and salad. How alarming it is to realise that I would not organise my food in fear of showing my ignorance and not asking for what I wanted. I was able to say that I didn't want the whisky and water PW had bought me in error after I asked for a sparkling water. But I wasn't able to ask for the food I needed.
So a relapse. I'm off the AWOL and that's not such a bad thing as I have now joined one on a Thursday evening at 9pm. It's quite late but there are benefits - a UK mobile number, a gentle co-leader who I like how she seems. I will have my whole Sunday for study and relaxation without guilt of being o the AWOL or having not to be on the AWOL. Plus I will not have to listen to B and take inventory of her controlling manner. Back to Step One and an opportunity to look at this powerlessness of people. And the unmanageability when I comply and be open to look at the controlling as well.
Today I was affected having yesterday raised an issue in connection with safeguarding children. I hadn't raised the alarm myself from a 1:1 but my error was not being specific on advising the client to talk about her feelings and the impact on her of a alcoholic in her life. As a result PD wanted to raise the confidentiality issue when concerned about children. I felt bad about not having thought to raise the issue, so criticised without being criticised actually. So I react with the client and she has reacted badly to that. Consequently PD is annoyed that she might leave. The consultant is annoyed that I frightened her. But worse than all of that she is disappointed, angry and has had her trust in me broken. I feel sad and have let her down. I don't like that. Partly because I want to be a party to a persons well-being, not create more pain. But also because I want to be liked and get things right. That's the bit I want to drop as it creates all sorts of unnecessary behaviours and attitude. Please God help me, show me what I need to do and how I need to be. It's a bit of a shove for the ego too as I was beginning to believe in my own hype as a good therapist, even better than therapist! And clearly I'm not. I'm human like all the rest.
I know I do my best. I'm currently hurting slightly. It will pass and I don't want to hang onto it for too long. It can be washing over me so entirely that I think I am a terrible therapist and person. I take it to extremes. So it would be good to keep this in balance.
Another thing I've done is let the clients go early. There was little left to do. We had questions and answers, we had a check out and a farewell and that was it. I'm now worried that there will repercussions. I stayed until 5 myself but hey ho! I will own it with PD and see what happens.
I mess up a lot really. I am a bit all over the place right now. It's not okay but it's not intentional either.
I would like some time out but it's not possible.
So I'm not going to Oxford Brookes for a day with the OU tomorrow when I thought I was. Instead I'll go to London on 27th April. I will miss any snow that might have dropped on Oxford tomorrow, save petrol and give myself some catch up study time. I have 3 days to really pour some work in. Sod moody G.

I think that's all I have to write at this moment

Angrily yet somewhat centred and calm surprisingly,
Bliss
XX












 

Frexting

A text response to a response with M .. not sent as I thought better of it. Texts can be so misunderstood.

The you you you is shared with me me me time - in my opinion it is a two-way thing so I never need an apology. Actually it's part of our interaction and equality. Sometimes it might be a bit more me me me and other times you you you. Sometimes I feel disappointed or frustrated when I don't get to finish my what I'm saying. And i notice how often I do it - start immediately relating to something similar. At the same time don't stop sharing when you relate because its always valid. ill just try to say "i just need to finish what I was saying" or something like that. But that's minimal compared to the inter communication. I value your opinion - don't always like it but it is rare for me not to agree. And you sharing often gives me insight into myself. So you really do not need to apologise. It's not selfish as I interpret your "me me me" to suggest. Maybe I've misinterpreted that. And by the way it took enormous courage to say about my disappointment and I may have said it clumsily - I am such a fearful person. Practicing expressing my thoughts I suppose. Also think oh no this isn't the right format or time to say all of this. So you know what I won't. Ill save this and remember to interject when it happens and try to keep it light and breezy.
Bliss
XX

Permission to be spontaneous please

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0062505890

Hi L - this is the Amazon uk link to Facing Codependence. Pia Mellody.
I found it helpful. After about 3 years in recovery from alcohol I started to feel crazy and read that book. I then started going to CoDA about 5 years in. I hit a rock bottom with it. Despite my denying I needed CoDA it became a life saver.
I didn't realise how much underlies addiction for me. The alcohol or other addictive behaviours are merely symptoms. So whilst totally believing my need go AA etc I know the work has been an ongoing process. And wow how amazing it is.
It is the work that means life is for living. I just need to keep the priorities in order.
My own sponsor wants me to put my recovery with FA first. I'm fighting so I do really relate to you.
Trying to find a balance when I have full time work and long days with that - up at 5 am to say prayers, half hour quiet time, call to sponsor, write step 4, and have breakfast to leave by 6:30. Then I'm not home usually until 7 - prep my meals for following day, meetings Wed and Fri (Sats as well but that's more manageable), study my degree, have relationship with George, see friends, on Sunday telephone meeting, personal interests.
Flipping heck and so committing to 3 meetings a week can seem too much and one of those is to be FA - Sat am either London or Brighton.
But you know I absolutely know I cannot keep abstinent without help. Well I tried it for years. So I'm guessing it would still be the same soon reverting to gradually picking up. I'd probably manage for a while. I'm pretty sure. I do not want to take the risk of losing my abstinence.
There are plenty of times when I think I'm not an alcoholic or a drug addict. Who knows??! But I know I have this mental illness.
Have you read Step one in the little red book?
I really had to take a good look at the mental illness element. It's taken me many years to really get an understanding.
For me it manifests in negativity and self hatred - strongly.
That then can manifest as fear and dishonesty, inc people pleasing, and controlling behaviour and so on. I love the little red books way of describing the steps. I read each step slowly and repeatedly.
Anyway enough already .....
Before getting completely ensconced in codependency - ensure you're really settled in step one. That's experience not judgement.
I know well that you have no doubts about your problems ie the chaos or unmanageability. How acceptant are you that you're an alcoholic and therefore powerless? What does being an alcoholic actually mean. Not trick questions just things I think worth exploring. Sometimes I have to ponder this without analysing it. Ask others.
I can go on and on and on.
Anything to deflect from writing step 4.
Some of what I say is ideals. I wish I did my recovery how I say it. But it's talking about it that reminds me what I don't do.
I need to be firm with George about my meetings commitments, my studying and my time with friends. I don't think he'll like it. But I need his support if we can be together. This required me to be honest and boundaried. I am afraid though. Afraid it'll be too difficult or he'll get moody. Just how much I try to keep everything okay for everyone else but st my cost.
I want to be more empowered. Otherwise I get resentful. I am an alcoholic - its not all of me but it is a part of me. That part needs certain things. As does other parts of me, the fun lover, the artist, the professional, the curious, the nature lover, etc etc.
Takes effort to fulfill all parts of me but all need attention sometimes some parts more than others.
Thank you for letting me write all of this.
Not essential reading. Just a really useful share for me

This was a email I drafted but didn't send. I didn't think it appropriate in this form.
You see I am consdiering FA and all the "rules"
I am sure I am interpreting things with a whole host of history attached. I see it though as being required to ask permission to live my life. I don't want to have to check in with anyone to make a decision to go to a different meeting. I don't want to have to check in to say that these are my plans with G and besides they can change and I like that spontaneity - sometimes the changes are not to my liking admittedly and I don't know how to say that without pissing him off ad then spending a week with sulks from him.
I don't want to sponsor. I don't want to be told I can't sponsor someone in AA who asked me. How honoured I feel to have been asked. It's amazing.
I don't want to try and get to London or Brighton on a regular, fixed basis. I can't always afford it. And yet I think I hear that I am being told to prioritise this. I am struggling financially as it is. And yes every so often I spend irrationally. That's true but sometimes I want to be able to do that.
I don't want to lose my food abstinence. But I do feel angry and stroppy about some of these things.
I think my sponsor got fed up with me and when she said "you've got things to think about" it sounded dismissive and somehow seemed like I'm being naughty and told off. It probably wasn't like that but that's how I've perceived it.
I think as well it's important for me to express my truth. It may not be what people want to hear and no longer means I'm the good girl. But these thoughts are my truth. If I don't express them then what? It'll all be inside me unsaid and I think that's far more dangerous.
I think as well that it's a sort of testing of the boundaries. Is it really okay to be me and have my say and not get barracked for it. Or punished with abandonment. I'm half expecting G to withdraw gradually. I'm too much trouble. Costly in time and energy. It was impossible to speak openly and honestly with B. She just is that very strict ma'am. That didn't work out for me in the end. However I'm very gratefuil for the recovery I've gained through her support. And with G I have more food and am putting on some pounds. I need to but it's scary too.
I forgot to tell her this monring how much I weighed in with 120.6 pounds. Which is 1 pound less than when I used SS's scales. I was going to step on them as well to see if things are very different on those from last week. How confusing. How annoying.
The anorexic thinking is rife. I don't want to be bigger. I can feel rolls where I didn't thave them last week. It's probably in my imagination.
I wonder of this is contributing to me wanting to leave FA.
Not to mention I am writing Step 4, my dad has angrily stopped me from contacting him or the hospital more than once a week. There is little news. I have felt hurt and angry and even dramatic about this. And yet I also feel some relief and even some acceptance after 52 years of trying to get his approval.
And then there is G. I have had little contact. The contact I've had is sporadi. I'm imagining he's been staying with D and doesn't tell me since his friend P said his big mistake was in telling me. If he goes underground and secretive then it makes it all the more suspicious. All this goes thorugh my head. INstead I need to trust him. If I don't trust him it will all be destroyed within me. I am missing hi.
Yet I am also questioning whether I want to be with someone who is so work shy and doesn't have the drive to earn money. He wants to doss about all day in Elstead with D. And claims that he has tis love for the dog. I wonder if the dog represents what he cannot have fully with D. If D's husband died would they then really get it together? Is he lying to her and to me? Is he spoinning me lines so that he can just have both situations? If it si like that he's a player and it's not what I want. But I just have to believe him. He says he needs time but to be honest there's never going to be any change. I don't want to be in a relationship where he is lying to me and has this closeness with someone else. I wouldn't do it to him - or would I? I want to have my friends. I just don't want to run away from life to be with them. That;s what I see of him. Avoidance and going there to avoid. Then he can come to me, have sex and avoid life in another way.
Or is this all in my head? I have to keep trying to find ways to push it away. I become obsessed with it and distracted.
Can I learn to accept it?
Ths evening there's been a few almost nothingness texts. What's that all about? Is he staying there hence there's little signal - sporadic. But would he tell me the truth if he is staying there? Should I ask him?
Did he ask what I was doing to find out if it was all clear to go to the meeting with D?
I just don't know if I believe him and yet have to keep putting that aside.
Aaaaargh
Crazy making. I dislike my insecurity.
Please HP help me to stay away from all of this craziness.

Bliss
XX

More on humility

Humility for Today

by Bill W.

AA Grapevine, June 1961

There can be no absolute humility for us humans. At best, we can only glimpse the meaning and splendor

of such a perfect ideal. As the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" says: "We are not saints. . .we claim spiritual

progress rather than spiritual perfection." Only God Himself can manifest in the Absolute; we human

beings must needs live and grow in the domain of the relative. We seek humility for today.

Therefore our practical question is this: "Just what do we mean by 'humility for today' and how do we know

when we have found it?"

We scarcely need be reminded that excessive guilt or rebellion leads to spiritual poverty. But it was a very

long time before we knew we could go even more broke on spiritual pride. When we early AAs got our

first glimmer of how spiritually prideful we could be, we coined this expression: "Don't try to get too

damned good by Thursday!" That old-time admonition may look like another of those handy alibis that can

excuse us from trying for our best. Yet a closer view reveals just the contrary. This is our AA way of

warning against pride-blindness, and the imaginary perfections that we do not possess.

Now that we no longer patronize bars and bordellos; now that we bring home the pay checks; now that we

are so very active in AA; and now that people congratulate us on these signs of progress--well, we naturally

proceed to congratulate ourselves. Yet we may not be within hailing distance of humility. Meaning well,

yet doing badly, how often have I said or thought, "I am right and you are wrong," "My plan is correct and

yours is faulty," "Thank God your sins are not my sins," "You are hurting AA and I'm going to stop you

cold," "I have God's guidance, so He is on my side." And so on, indefinitely.

The alarming thing about such pride-blindness is the ease with which it is justified. But we need not look

far to see that this deceptive brand of self-justification is a universal destroyer of harmony and of love. It

sets man against man, nation against nation. By it, every form of folly and violence can be made to look

right, and even respectable. Of course it is not for us to condemn. We need only investigate ourselves.

How, then, can we do more and more about reducing our guilt, rebellion and pride?

When I inventory such defects, I like to draw a picture and tell myself a story. My picture is that of a

Highway to Humility, and my story is an allegory. On one side of my Highway, I see a great bog. The

Highway's edge borders a shallow marsh which finally shelves down into that muddy morass of guilt and

rebellion in which I have so often floundered. Self-destruction lies in wait out there, and I know this. But

the country on the other side of the road looks fine. I see inviting glades, and beyond them great mountains.

The countless trails leading into this pleasant land look safe. It will be easy, I think, to find one's way back.

Together with numbers of friends, I decide to take a brief detour. We pick our path and happily plunge

along it. Elatedly, somebody soon says, "Maybe we'll find gold on top of that mountain." Then to our

amazement we do strike gold--not nuggets in the streams, but fully minted coins. The heads of these coins

each declare, "This is pure gold--twenty-four carats." Surely, we think, this is the reward for our patient

plodding back there in the everlasting brightness of the Highway.

Soon, though, we begin to notice the words on the tails of our coins, and we have strange forebodings:

Some pieces carry rather attractive inscriptions. "I am Power," "I am Acclaim," "I am Wealth," "I am

Righteousness," they say. But others seem very strange. For example: "I am The Master Race," "I am The

Benefactor," "I am Good Causes," "I am God." This is very puzzling. Nevertheless we pocket them. But

next come real shockers. They read: "I'm Pride," "I'm Anger," "I'm Aggression," "I'm Revenge," "I'm

Disunity," "I'm Chaos." Then we turn up a single coin--just one--which declares: "I am the Devil himself."

Some of us are horrified and we cry, "This is fool's gold, and this is a fool's paradise--let's clear out of

here!"

On Humility (and despondency)

C's chair last night was enlightening as well as her usual entertaining quirks.
And she talked about becoming aware of her quirks. I have quirks that are destructive and some that are just delightful and harmless. It's those that are OK to keep but my destructive quirks need to go, with God's help.

Humility. C referred to Bill W's quotes on humility and I wanted to take a note of them since she had done some research and noted them down. What a pity I don't have her phone number.
Eeew I felt discomfort when P talked about the P and pointed at me. Only very few people in those rooms know what I do as my work and where. But then the pride part of me was all sort of fluttered and flattered. Just as M intimated with his body language to describe that feeling of flattery and pride. But to then hand that over in the way he did in the meeting, to make it light-hearted and recognition of pride was release in itself. And I can do that. Laugh with others at the pride itself. As if people knowing what I do will make me any less of an alcoholic or a somebody. Oh no no no. I am fully aware that any good that comes from the work I do is all thanks to God and nothing at all to do with me. I am merely a channel.

Here is a letter that Bill W wrote to a friend and was later published in Grapevine apparently, January 1953.

EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY
"I think that many oldsters who have put our AA "booze cure" to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in AA, the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.

Those adolescent urges that so many of us have for top approval, perfect security, and perfect romance, urges quite appropriate to age seventeen, prove to be an impossible way of life when we are at age forty-seven and fifty-seven.

Since AA began, I've taken immense wallops in all these areas because of my failure to grow up emotionally and spiritually. My God, how painful it is to keep demanding the impossible, and how very painful to discover, finally, that all along we have had the cart before the horse. Then comes the final agony of seeing how awfully wrong we have been, but still finding ourselves unable to get off the emotional merry-go-round.

How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result, and so into easy, happy and good living. Well, that's not only the neurotic's problem, it's the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all of our affairs.

Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That's the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to. And it's a hell of a spot, literally. How shall our unconscious, from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream, be brought into line with what we actually believe, know and want! How to convince our dumb, raging and hidden ‘Mr. Hyde' becomes our main task.

I've recently come to believe that this can be achieved. I believe so because I begin to see many benighted ones, folks like you and me, commencing to get results. Last autumn, depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I've had with depressions, it wasn't a bright prospect.

I kept asking myself "Why can't the twelve steps work to release depression?" By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer ... "it's better to comfort than to be comforted". Here was the formula, all right, but why didn't it work?

Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence, on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.

There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.

Because I had over the years undergone a little spiritual development, the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies had never before been so starkly revealed. Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon AA, indeed upon any act of circumstance whatsoever.

Then only could I be free to love as Francis did. Emotional and instinctual satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing love appropriate to each relation of life.

Plainly, I could not avail myself to God's love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies.

For my dependence meant demand, a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.

While those words "absolute dependence" may look like a gimmick, they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me.

This seems to be the primary healing circuit: an outgoing love of God's creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the real current can't flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.

If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependence and its consequent demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love: we may then be able to gain emotional sobriety.

Of course, I haven't offered you a really new idea --- only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes' at depth. Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine"


Bill Wilson

Attitude is Everything

This letter is meaningful to me. I particularly relate to the unhealthy dependence upon people places and situations. I depend upon people being nice to me to feel OK. I depend on money to buy things to feel satisfied, as if a holiday is going to be the only thing that could make me feel better. I think I was bodily craving warmth and sunshine though, so thank you God for this last week of sunshine. Maybe this is enough right now, you'll know best. It was chilly walking just now but sunny enough. I can depend upon external things to give me everything and yet I need to let go of that dependence without though letting go of dependence all together. I depend on the FA fellowship to support me in maintaining my strength. I need FA fellowship. I can depend on God to be there all the time and every time I reach out to God. I cannot do anything without the fellowship and without God. But when  expect then to start providing, then that's unhealthy dependence.
I was also realising that I could slip so easily into despondency when my unhealthy dependence lets me down. I think it's the external that has let me down but actually it's me that's let me down by being needy. So if I let go of that unhealthy dependence I regain my independence and can not be let down externally or by myself. Then I can stay away from feeling a victim or deprived and thereby stave off despondency (when it attacks from this particular direction, being mindful that it can manifest in many shapes and forms).
Despondency brings me to despair and hopelessness. And then I usually have given up and eat. When I eat these days there is no high anymore. From the first bite I feel even more despondent and this descends into a deep gloom and depression. I am usually then not wanting to live. I isolate, I feel miserable and everything appears to be bleak and benighted, as Bill says.
Of course there is still a feel good factor of using relationships and sex. But I also know that this quickly stops working these days and filters rapidly into the same black hole.
I raise this as it's crucial for me to be recognising my thoughts about G and P and D. My first thoughts are not literally but around the subject of potential. "Oh could this be a relationship?". Each of them offers something different when in fact I am not attracted to the whole of them. D is attractive physically and has a shy vulnerability that can appear attractive, something that can be rescued and nurtured. I can be the one to bring him out of this. G is funny and intelligent even if not cultured or maybe educated although he seems somewhat educated and there is something physically attractive about him. P has money but there is no physical attraction, he is the least attractive of the 3. But oh my gosh it's surely possible simply to be friendly and not try to go down the flirtatious route. The best think I can do is nothing. I am talking with them as and when they approach me and not pursuing my pursuit thoughts. Last evening I knew I could end up talking with P and did. I was thinking I would enquire if he's going to the convention he mentioned and could I go with him. Uh uh! No way Jose. It's not the right thing to do. Staying quiet about it and waiting was the break I needed to make. Thank you God. God please help me with this. I would like to be in a loving and lovely and comfortable relationship. I trust that if that's what you think is the right thing for me it will happen. In the meantime I am committed to no relationships until after my AWOL is completed. Wow! That seems such a long way away.
So you see this men thing can still appear to offer fun and lift me away from despondency.
I live on the edge of despondency. It seems to be a default setting still. I can feel a tangible pull. It would be s much easier it seems to give in to it and stay home, not facing the world and all the difficulties that the world and it's ways present to me. It is stepping out of taking responsibility for myself and can appear to be so much easier. And yet it's painful. It real has a physical pain and an interminable feeling of fight and draw on every ounce of energy.
So for today I am stepping aside of it. Every so often that feels difficult because the pull is alluring. Doing nothing at all, not having to deal with people, places and things. On the other hand I know that I can deal with any situation and pray to God that I will not feel fear in any situation. There is nothing to fear so long as I stay close to God. Thank you God for removing my fears and guiding me through any situation I am faced with. Somehow everything will be OK even though I have no idea how sometimes. Things always seem to work out just dandy.
There is also a grieving. letting go of despondency and depression. I have a close relationship with these twins.
I'm not sure I've written really about humility. Perhaps it's because T had asked me about despondency and the letter seemed to correspond across both topics. Humility is something to consider further from this point.

Well I need to phone my friend JB. I wrote to him yesterday expressing my thoughts of being boring to him. I wonder if he read my email hence the text to speak this morning. Well lets see.

Bliss
XX

A Question of honesty

It was raised some time ago when I was considering a change in my job position, how honest it really was not to tell them that I hoped to be taking another position towards the end of the year. This person said they could not take on a position without being that honest. At the time it sort of threw me. At first I was angry thinking that is so naive and not to be so silly. No one in their right mind would risk not getting a job by telling them I wouldn't plan on being there beyond the end of the year. However, talking more about this with others I am not sure that I made it clear that the other job wasn't secured, it was speculation and hope at this stage. And therefore with nothing confirmed there is nothing certain and so it would not be in best interests to say that this was hoped for. It was a plan dependant on ,many things including the job actually being there.
However the question of honesty keeps arising. In January I told a lie. It's not the only lie. After all I am stealing off the Internet on a daily basis. This is not honest and unaddressed at this stage except it';s playing on my mind. If I want recovery I need to get rigorously honest. It comes to bite me on the bum - I was taking cutlery from work. It was for the purpose of wanting my meals but I wasn't returning it. I've returned it now. Eek it's making me squirm, all this making public my dishonesty. And also I have taken some books from work. I haven't returned them and do not feel inclined to do so. However, having written this I now know I need to return them and if I want them that badly order them for myself or ask if I can have a copy. I want them and throughout my life when I want something I have just taken it. Yuch yuch yuch!!
Anyway I had a lesson to learn about honesty - yet again. It's also about taking responsibility and being able to be humble.
It was a day when L and S were arguing, S was insistent that we needed sessional cover. I actually didn't agree but because L was arguing against S I jumped into the argument, taking up S's cause (who backed off probably with the vigour of my anger and argument). So we got cover. But when the sessional came in he went and questioned it with the manager who came into the office and asked me why we had cover and I said "I don't know". L raised her shock when she learnt about this and I can see in hindsight how disappointed she was that actually I simply got her into trouble. Several times she raised the matter giving me the opportunity to own what I did and explain why. Well the other day it came up again. Having spoken with my sponsor about the lie and the shame that I was feeling because of it my sponsor really helped.
Firstly she congratulated me on my humility. And it was apparent that my "illness" or mental thinking was awry and the fear was so great that I decided to lie to try and avoid whatever it was I was afraid of. Lots of things were the fears and on many levels. I wanted to protect S as I do not want her to leave. I was afraid that P would think me ridiculous wanting cover when we really didn't need it. It was easier it seemed to lie to protect these fears. And yet it caused L huge disappointment and distrust in me. So my sponsor helped me to take ownership despite the embarrassment which can be very easily confused as it overlies humility.
I went in the next days - just a couple of weeks ago now and said
"thank you for the conversation yesterday. It gave me a lot of insight and a lot to think about. And you're right. I did lie and for that I truly apologise. I realise that it was fear." I added that I had seen the process and there was no need for me to go into that. And I also said that I know that a verbal apology is not enough and that she would have to experience my loyalty and responsibility through my actions.
L said that it was such a relief to her. She knew that she could no trust me and also that she wasn't going mad.
Gosh I have to watch my fear and what I do with it. The fear is to be acknowledged and embraced then step aside from it. Go forth with courage and be myself not the fear or the lie.
I do it a lot. Rather than be myself I will lie to try and keep everyone happy but all it does is create more problems.
Well I say that I lie - it can happen but I do not lie all the time. Gosh there's a need to be gentle with myself. I am not a liar just because I have told a lie here and there. That's what happens. People label and it's shaming. We are all capable of lying and most probably do so many many times in a day. When someone asks how you are feeling and you say alright it may not be a lie but it probably isn't the whole truth. If someone says you do this - OK? And you are not but say yes - that's a lie.
Yes there are lies at different degrees and impact at different levels. However they are lies nonetheless. That doesn't mean you are a liar. It does mean that becoming aware of it there is a chance to change.
Please God give me the courage to face my fears and act honestly and with humility. I am grateful for the awareness and want to be of good service to people.
pages 8-10 of The Little Red book talk about the aids to contented sobriety and that these are vital ...
humility, honesty, faith, courage, gratitude and service.
I am not honest about the downloading and it is not sitting comfortably. And yet I am also unwilling to let go of it. God please help me to become willing. I have every faith that you will help me and that in it's place I will find other ways that are decent and honest to access in formation - gosh the immediacy with which I require things is immense. What is this about God? Please reveal me to me. And help me to get honest and decent about this.
I need the courage to be honest about such things and show my humility. To embrace the squirming feeling of embarrassment and the courage to do that anyway. And in this way I can see all of things are a service to others. Service is not just in doing things like stacking chairs at a meeting or calling newcomers. Service is in treating people with respect and dignity. So for example by being able to be humble and honest with my sponsor shows my faith in her, respect for the programme and for her too. I can trust her. I know she'll tell me to knock it on the head. I do not need to speak to her about it to know what I need to do. I just need the willingness to tell her where I am at with this. It's the honesty.
She may say that she can't sponsor me until or unless I do stop.
Oh and there is the phone on Sundays. I am putting it on loud speaker because my phone is broken and I can't actually afford a new one. However I would afford to go to London rather than get a new phone to be honest. I do feel guilty as one of the perpetrators of not following the requirements. I need to get honest by changing this behaviour. Please God help me to be willing to do this please.
Perhaps Lidl will have a cheap phone with an answer machine. It doesn't need to be anything special.

What else? I think that's all I know of right now. Oh I do want to ask the question about mixing foods in my plastic box. Mind you B has seen my food so it's not as if I'm covering anything up and it was only mentioned yesterday that it would be considered not clean. I will try to remember to ask B her thoughts on this. I put things in layers into the box and on my plate serve them separated. Apart from the rice - I mix that up and the yoghurt with my fruit.
Interesting.

I am learning little by little. Sometimes it seems over rigorous. But I want my abstinence to be clean clean clean.
I will do whatever it takes. Will I forego though some things for my own gratification. Yes like not asking to use a landline when I was in Spain and then having to use my mobile the week later as I couldn't get through on my own landline. Phew I can make things complicated so quickly and easily.
I will mention about thinking about Secondlife. I will mention about the mix of foods. I will mention about the downloading. I will mention about the phone to someone else - God? Help me please ad thank You for always being there to show me the way. I faith that you will and I know that things get to me through my conscience if I don't - I know this is about living the way You would want me to otherwise I wouldn't feel those squirms. You talk through me in many ways. Thank You.
OK I will get on my knees now as suggested. And rather than humiliation rejoice in the humility of making this a practise of prayer.
Thank You God for another abstinent day yesterday and for the gratitude I found in many things - people, places and situations. Not least fellowship, facing fear with courage and creativity, gratitude itself, peoples shares, a clean food plan, a London meeting I can get to every so often. And time with friends in the evening and two interesting radio programmes to listen to. A sleepy LouLou and good food.
Also feeling I am good enough to go into private galleries and see wonderful pieces of art.
Thank You God

Bliss
XX

Mind blowing awareness

Well I just nee to record this before it disperses into the ether.
This morning talking with my sponsor and for the umpteemeth time she suggested that I need to take the focus away from my judegements, likes and dislikes of L. I hasten to add that through this week things have improved since making amends. Did I tell you about that?
Here are my perceptions on what has happened on that. Earlier this year, way back in February, there was a day that would mean SH and I were in alone. SH was insistent that we needed a sessional. I didn't actually agree but was so cross that L wasn't listening to SH and arguing against her and added to that worried that as SH was becoming more and more unhappy that she would leave and I'd then be left behind - selfish - plus I really feel happy and trusting working with SH. I wanted her to be happier so that she wouldn't leave (me). So I jumped in on the argument and made it my own. Stepping into protect SH who backed off as I took up the cause. As a result L arranged sessional work. Who came in and without consulting us, not that I'd have been able to own those underyling motives at the time, he went to the manager questioning why he was there. As a result of that, the manager came into the office and asked me why the sessional was needed. I said "I don't know, L organised it". I was also afraid of the sessional person's judgement of me you see. Weak that I wanted a sessional and could see how unstructured I would look if I owned that I had wanted a sessional. So many lies, all motivated by fears of different sorts. But ultimately fear of being rejected by people I relly like. How muddled I am and the chaos that followed.
This has situation anyway has been raised several times. I carried on the lie by denying hat I had said "I don't know". Of course people knew I had. Nothing added up. L has raised this several times and earlier this week I really allowed it to sink in. I became honest with my sponsor. I really had heard L and reading between the lines but more at an instictual level knew this was a problem for her with me. I actaully said something like knowing there was some issue between us and she referred to it at that time. So speaking with B firstly she was so loving and pointed out how wonderful that I was becoming humble. And the truth was becoming the healing. She said that now I could make amends but I didn't know how so she gave me some ideas.
I went in that day knowing that the opportunity would present itself when I would be able to say my lines, that I truly, truly meant. I was squirming inside.
A moment of silence fell over the office and I asked if she had a moment I could speak with her. I didn't want it to be in passing and she would be called away at such an important moment.
I referred back to the issue spoken about yesterday and said that she was right. That in fear I had not taken responsibility. I said I had looked at my process and didn;t need to go into detail abuot that but that I was very sorry. She was relieved. She responded with a big thank you and added that she hadn't be able to trust me but now knew she could. She also said that she now knew she wasn't going mad. She went on to talk about the ways in which she over reacts to situations and doesn't like how she's been behaving and is working on that. That was nice to hear to and I smiled. I finished by saying that i wouldn't expect her to trust me but that I am a loyal and hardworking employee and that I can only show my turstworthiness by being trustworthy.
I just don't remember how it ended but we seemed to move on naturally adn teh rest of the week has been so much ligther for me. I feel better able to be me and even ask questions differently.
I am showing by asking I think that I can be intereted in different ideas and be flexibale and adaptable and also not contentious.
Anyway back to the revelation of this morning. My sponsor had asked how I was and I talked startaight away about the fact that things had been easier at work but that whilst I was seeing things I liked about L I also didn't really like her, that I was tired and so on and so on. B at this point said that I needed to stop juging L and that I need to bring the focus back to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah! And then she asked me what I was doing in my private life. My first utter was a moan about during the week being tired and getting back late, and what with meetings etc usually I get home, write my meals down, make my meals for the next day and go to bed. I added humpily that there was little time for my own interests. So then she asked what I was doing this weekend.
This weekend I am meeting with M to plan our holiday and then this evening we are going to Taming of the Shrew with a couple of other friends joining us. Tomorrow after the AWOL I am going out with DC to learn how to use the camera he has leant me. "That's sounds wonderful!", she said and continued to point out that she knows little of the other things I do. It became clear as she explained that it's almost obsessional. This blew my mind as I suddenly realised in line with other people saying they know little about the things I am doing, it's because I don't tell them anything other than what is probably my obessional thinkings. I don't tell my dad anything or friends but often it's because I don;t think it is very interesting. Things I do aren't interesting to other people. I want to find out about them before I tell them anything because if I reveal things about me that match them they will like me. My dad can't be bothered with detail and womens interests. It's been like this all of my life I think.

So there's probably other layers of processing going on but this for me was like having the mirror completely held up in front of me.

So I'm off now to start doing the thigns I'm doing today.

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Bliss
XX

ps spellchecker isn't working - please excuse typo's