I've had most of today all alone. And apart from a few brief moments of almost feeling pity for myself, I have overall been quite okay. I felt self pity when I sat and thought about other people sitting on their own. I have always felt a sort of pity for elderly people getting to a point where there is no one else. Ad now here I am I guess. It is not for the want of invites or the potential of others I could be with. It was a choice. G was off dog-sitting and that was not what I had wanted. I want to be special to him and a priority and there was some self-pity arising within that for a brief moment.
But I was actually glad of the time to be alone. I was almost disappointed when he said he was going to come back with the dogs. I hope that wasn't out of pity because he said I looked quite sad.
I am sad. I'm sad that C is dying and yet there is a lot of detachment with any real emotion. It is a distant echo of sadness. I feel as if a little of my mum dies with him ad she's been dead since 2001. It is such a devastating illness Alzheimer's. I keep thinking of how G and K must be watching their father and also be scared for themselves. After all Alzheimer's is apparently genetic. But then I think of the Cancer my mum died of and how most people in her family die of Cancer and then how my dad has had heart problems and apparently that is largely genetic. No one can escape death and we see in our parents a likely future death for ourselves. It is frightening. I would hate to be in m,y dad's situation. In and out of hospital gradually deteriorating away.
My dad called me a few days ago. He sounded so frail, his voice weak. He also sounded very confused. He repeated himself and when I called him the next day he repeated information he'd given me the day before. He repeated the situation T is in, his wife. He had already told me that she was taken into hospital pretty much as he was taken home. He is not being clear about the reasons he has been in hospital. I am suspicious that this is serious. I think I hear fear in his voice. Or maybe acceptance. He told me he loves me and that was strange. He also wished me well in my future. That seemed odd too. I asked him what was going on. He said nothing. He was a little more open the following day when I asked him a little more about T. He explained that she has Ecoli and it keeps getting stronger with each effort to dose her up with antibiotics. He said as well that he knew it would kill her as the drugs affect her kidneys each time. I think this may have been more towards the truth that earlier in the year when I think he said her heart had been affected ad it was a toss up between saving her heart or her kidneys. From N I know that T is back on dialysis.
I called him yesterday and suggested that I might come and visit him for half a hour. He said no. He was actually waiting for T to come from hospital and had thought this was the call to say she was on her way. I wonder if she was let out for the Christmas period? There is a horrible part of me that in greed I hope she dies first. It will be less problematic will wise if she does or so I think. I just have to trust that the order of things is just how it is and whatever happens it will all be okay. I don't like that I think that greedy way. I don't think it is completely unusual but that doesn't make it okay.
I pray for my dad and T. I hope and pray that they get some relief in an alive kind of a way from their ailments and have time of happiness.
Now in connection with G there have been some tumultuous days for me. Heightened insecurity ad jealousy. Having been unwell with this virus since last Monday I feel incredibly boring. I haven't been able to do very much and even then I am not sure G would want to be doing the things I like doing. He likes history, he likes the countryside, he likes bird spotting, he likes being with the dogs and in Elstead. I cannot be any interest in any of those things. I feel very boring and useless to him. Surplus except for the occasional sexual interest. I feel worthless.
Not only that, but I think my neediness is heightened with the fact that my dad is a worry. I wonder if he is fast approaching his last days and hasn't been able to tell me. Hasn't wanted to perhaps. It will be difficult to face such a thing. I feel dreadful that he had forgotten to tell me about Uncle B. He genuinely sounded so upset that he hadn't told me. I expect he is realising he is getting confused. I never thought this day would happen. he has always been such a powerful man. A scary man!
And so I guess to some degree I've wanted G to make me feel better. And yet he's been dealing with his own issues. He is moody. That's the way he is. I can accept it or not. There have been times over the past few days when I've thought NOT NOT NOT. He doesn't want to be touched sometimes. He feels trapped sometimes. He has regular contact with Mrs E. All of these things I've been thinking NOT NOT NOT. He is a ba humbug about Christmas. I'm not a big fan but I can get into it somewhat with a person if they like it. I don't want to be around big families and things. It's all too exhausting. I bought him a pile of pressies and he bought me nothing. That is no matter really and truly but it would have been nice if he had at least some upbeat feeling. He admitted today that there is some degree of self pity, that everyone is off having a good time and he's not.
There was a line in The Dark Knight rises about the level of anger of a young boy who is left orphaned. Well G was left orphaned but was orphaned off. He has a fury about this. He doesn't want to let go of the resentment and anger. I on the other hand want to keep moving more towards love and forgiveness, move away from resentment. He wants to be angry and shows his anger and outrage. I want to be able to have my say but not in an angry aggressive way.
I don't like this and it's been another NOT NOT NOT for me.
I was honest and said that I want to go to the B's alone. It's a fear though because I then think he'll go running off to the doggies and Mrs E. I have fear that he'll want that more than me. And wanting to be in control of course I think I have to make the move away in the first place. However, if he goes running off to Mrs E sobeit. It's horrid that he misses his old life. I want him to be happier with me. But he's not happier anywhere. He gets some happiness being there in the countryside with the dogs. No humans. It's possible that he may decide to leave me. I wonder if we can be happy together.
I love him as a person though and I like him too. I think there is something in being able to have a say but I don't want to say it with the venom that it seems to me that G wants to have his say. He has an honesty that I admire. I like how he teaches me to be honest and be responsible.
Earlier today I was thinking of ending the relationship. With a little talking it through with a friend I have seen other things. I have seen my ego and how it is focused on me me me. How I want G not to want so much contact with Mrs E because I am jealous and insecure. How angry I am with her for making so much contact and how angry I am with G for responding all the time. I am angry with him that he won't be honest with her in case he loses what little he has there. It is infuriating and doesn't seem to give us a chance to florish. But it's not that alone that stops us from flourishing. No. He has things going on - he faces tribunal that will have a massive impact on his life, he is not working when he can so he has no money, he is facing treatment on his heart, an operation. He has not lived with a woman for a very long time, I haven't lived with a man for quite some time myself.
He has issues with my contact with people and think there's so much contact with "hunks" as he calls them. The odd thing is the only man I am interested is him. He has low self esteem.
I had two lovely walks today. One was the climb behind the church. When I got to the top of the hill the sun burst through. It reflected on all the water that has descended in this area. Whilst it's a lot it's nowhere near the flood levels I know others are experiencing. It's really frightening how the weather is more and more extreme. When G got here we drove towards West M. The road was flooded. We weren't sure how much worse of how long so decided to run back. We walked through Hen Wood. Magalugs ran off chasing sheep. G got really mad. He described himself as losing it. He ripped his coat. He shouted at her. Loudly. He kicked a tree. He was furious with her. His anger can look ugly and nasty. I wouldn't like to connect physically with his anger. He did say at one point "she'll get shot". I know his anger is secondary to his fears, his upset and sadness underlie his fury about his past. I pray Universe for G. I don't know what would be best for him. I simply pray for him.
I want to learn acceptance of people with love in my heart. I don't know how compromise comes into that so that there is the possibility of being together, each of us just how we are. Some people I suppose there is too much to have to agree to disagree on. But with some people perhaps there is compatibility.
I love G the person. He has so many qualities. He is quite a wonder to me. His interests, his knowledge, his wonder at the world.
Overall I like him even though there are aspects I don't like so much.
I don't know what will happen. I hope that we can find a way through things and I hope that it just gets better and better. It may. We need to be able to communicate ad I'm not so good at that without being accusational and wanting the other person to change.
There is so much injustice and it seems to me that an automatic response is anger. Anger to cover lack of control which means fear. That means little faith.
I have faith. I believe and therefore I do not need to fear. My resolve has been weakened. I have not focused on my faith. I have been focusing on meditation. I need to culture my belief and I don't know how to bring the two things together. I wonder if Tenzin Palmo (Jetsunma as she is now known) could help bring these things together for me?
So tomorrow I go the B's alone. G will do whatever he needs to do to loom after himself. I am sure I would feel very hurt if the same thing happened to me. I need to say to him that I need some time alone. I think it's necessary and I may regret that too. I am afraid that if I say that he'll take it to mean there's nothing. I would find it really hard to take on the chin. I am afraid too that if he's not with me he'll be with Mrs E. That's all my insecurity on the surface. Aaaargh. It's flipping painful and difficult having all these very exposed nerve endings.
So The Dark Knight Rises. I think it was actually a very good film. With Christian Bale the films are dark. He plays them with a very negative turn all the time. He is a hero but with a darkness to him.
I would give it a good 4 even a 4.5. It's Hollywood of course and with favourable outcomes. They are an epic series now because they are money spinners. I doubt whether it's ended yet. They'll keep churning them out until there isn't an audience anymore.
Cast
Tom Hardy
Anne Hathaway
Christian
Bale
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Marion Cotillard
Josh Pence
Tom
Conti
Matthew Modine
Gary Oldman
Michael Caine
Morgan
Freeman |
 |
Directors
Christopher Nolan |
|
Screenwriters
Jonathan Nolan
Christopher
Nolan |
If you haven't seen it I would say it's worth a look.
I noticed that Miranda Tate is played by Marion Cotillard who also plays Stephanie in Rust and Bone. Now that film for me was a 5 star. It was an emotional roller coaster. I loved the sub-plots that could easily have been too distracting in an English film. Somehow the story was unusual enough to grip my interest as well.
Nev Pierce wrote the Empire review - I liked this paragraph "Bane is not fuelled simply by whatever pumps through his mask, either, as Alfred
(Michael Caine) observes: “I see the power of belief.” The Wayne family butler
has acted as his master’s conscience throughout the films and he’s at it again
here, challenging the bruised billionaire about what he could achieve if he
sought social justice instead of rough. Indeed, there’s a sense that Wayne has
regressed back to the boy of Begins, his journey out of the grief of his
orphaning reset by the death of his childhood love."
"As Gotham prospers in the wake of the criminal crackdown brought about by the
death of District Attorney Harvey Dent — and his mythologising by Commissioner
Gordon (Gary Oldman) — Wayne feels he can stay hidden in his mansion, a
truculent Beast resisting being transformed by Marion Cotillard’s Beauty. Where
his parents were active, engaged philanthropists, giving life to the city, Wayne
nurses only his own grief. He walks with a stick as symbolic of his
psychological frailty as his physical degeneration. Here, the film could be said
to be going over old ground, but Wayne’s mental fissure has been mined in the
comics for 73 years and it’s testament to Christian Bale’s stalwart, admirably
unshowy but soulful performance that we once again feel for a man born to
privilege but eternally trapped in a personal prison.
This is aided by a
valedictory feel to the first act, with everything freighted with the knowledge
of its finality and a sense that this will not end well. Caine is all heart in a
beautiful recollection about his hopes for his surrogate son, while Joseph
Gordon-Levitt — who looks supremely dashing despite a somewhat glamour-free role
as a rozzer — also has a sorrow-fuelled speech, but with a more positive sense
of belief to counter Bane’s destructive faith.
Then, when Batman finally
returns, you relish the gleeful comment of a copper to a younger colleague:
“Boy, you are in for a show tonight, son.” That you are, even if the film
doesn’t, until the very end, match the emotional tenor of its blistering
beginning. That 45 minutes or so can be called the ‘beginning’ gives a clue that
Batman not only rises but lengthens. This is a long film that feels weighed down
somewhat in its middle section, struggling to carry the weight of exposition.
The desire for scale and belief-beggaring action also means that, curiously,
what would be other movies’ budget-blitzing conclusions are reduced, in a way,
to the level of mild incident. There is more plot here than there is story and
as impressive as certain scenes are — the sporting spectacle seen in the
trailer, for example — they can feel a little like a very expensive treadmill
when you’re waiting for the emotions to really run.
As ever, Nolan’s
Batman is at its best in the more intimate moments — whether it’s a man finally
realising a hero’s identity, or the scene- (and jewellery-) stealing
introduction of a new character. As slinky burglar Selina Kyle, Anne Hathaway is
superb: physically dangerous, emotionally intriguing and sexy without milking
it. (It’s a very different take from the Catwoman portrayed by Michelle
Pfeiffer, but no less enjoyable.) As ambiguous as Kyle is, her journey shares
with Wayne’s a sense of struggling for a fresh start, for a clean slate,
ultimately for redemption.
Many of the best characters in the Batman
universe offer a mirror to the man himself, whether walking that razor-wire
between justice and revenge, or being trapped by the traumas of the
past.
Dedicated fans of the comic books are unlikely to feel surprised by
many story twists here, but that’s no surprise in itself given the DC icon’s
extensive history."
Bliss
XX
