Think like a Lady

Can you believe this? I have registered for Lady Magazine to look at the classified ads and see if there are any suitable positions. Looking after people or houses. What I am really hoping for is that PD's efforts will come off and we can have a lot of fun. I know he will be fair and flexible to work for. What I hope for God is that I won't take advantage of that. I want to be good fair and honest back. I know I can want too much.
However, it's got to be worth a look. It came to mind with a client advertising for someone to look after his mother. And thinking of the surroundings it all sounded rather glamorous in a way. of course the reality is something quite different. I wouldn't be swanning around using all the facilities. I'd be an employee looking after someone or somebodies who are needy of assistance and probably pretty demanding too, I wouldn't wonder.
Anyway it's a bit of fun reading them and then I can apply to see what happens. There is one offering accommodation but probably no salary. They want a reliable available person. I wonder how available is available? Well let's enquire and see. They make take a look at my CV and not be interested from the off-set. But unless I have a go there's nothing to be discovered. Perhaps I am slightly manic? Or maybe just a phase of a little more confidence and adventurous. It doesn't need labelling to just be what it is and use the energy to explore whilst it's there. I don't have to make any decisions apart from exploring and enquiring.
I realised this morning how furious I was with D for relapsing. Sneaking food. That was me without
doubt and it's probably me I'm angry with. That sneakiness. Ugh ugly. And then the shame of being caught too. Poor D. I was angry yesterday and knew it but was within the anger. Today I realised how his relapse was on my min and my saying "you've relapsed" too. I was thinking about how that came out in shock and anger and probably wasn't very therapeutic at all. I didn't follow it up. I wish I had got someone else to speak with him but I just wanted to get out of there.
I think my anger was still running the show when Dr G came to chat about the other D. I wanted to get my point across. But I was listening. I wanted something to happen in-house. But Dr G felt it was better to have this done externally. I feel that it's an important procedure because it will determine a way forward that D needs to take. Anyway it can be discussed further. I'm not very persuasive I realise. Not a good negotiator. I put my point of view across that differs from others and I am then more argumentative than persuasive. L just goes against me. Dr G I think is a very forceful man. His way is the way. So it's better to not fight with people like that. But it does leave me feeling something .... unheard? I then turn this into feeling wrong. I really think it would easy for the text to be one in-house. It's happened without any issue via Dr C. The information is there. I will enquire how thorough it is as that was the inference by Dr G. It was only partial. But actually he's right a thorough test is required so I can concede not to know anything too much about the depth of the procedure.
Anyhow thank you God I have a sponsor to talk through my anger with. I am sure when people read the word anger it conjures something bigger than what it actually is. People seem to prefer to use the words such as irritation or frustrated or other minimal words. The reality was that I was angry. In visual form it wasn't red-eyed anger, or steaming anger, or thumping anger or even stomping anger. it wasn't violent in anyway other than cutting anger. I was angry enough to make that cutting remark. It's a sort of cutting to the quick. Which is a form of violence - literally it means to cut to the underlying layer of flesh or to the bone. But it's something my mum did and that was to criticise emotionally. It is a critical manner that hurts. Rather than being gentle and understanding but real. I am sorry God for doing this and please I pray for D. Can you take care of him please God. He needs gentleness. Even though it is annoying. It's the sneakiness that got me. And that's something I was - often. And can still be for example agreeing to meet with JH for dinner and not having told my sponsor. It's a decision I've taken and I should be big enough to say on this occasion I'm not taking on your suggestion. There are risks of residual feelings coming up and perhaps that's what my violent dream last night was about. Gosh funnily enough it involved cutting.
To begin with I was in a public house and I think with someone I knew who had this very violent, nasty partner. It was someone older than me but they were very quickly insignificant. I knew that this guy was dangerous and somehow was trying to be bold and protective. He was wielding a knife around her threatening her to do as she was told. Whoever she was was very scared. I had my little vegetable knife and showed it to him. He came over to me then. He laughed at me with my little knife and quickly had me pinned down as I was struggling against hi. He laughed at me again saying don't be so stupid this is a scalpel. I was wrestling not to let the blade get close my skin as he was holding me own with it in his hands. I wanted to stab him but realised this would cause a frenzy of his violence. Then although the other person was always in the background and all the children, I don't know who this family were, it became about him controlling me. I was terrified. I tried to get the kids out and I think I succeeded. I think at one point I even got away but had to go back or didn't quite get away. I had managed to get his knife. It was ceramic and lethally sharp. I was pretending I was coveting it for him to keep it safe. He didn't trust me but let me say that, cunningly trying to outwit each other without any trust at all. I was trying to get everyone away by getting him to trust me which meant I had to take them back to. I hated that I had ti lie to them to make them think too that it was all legitimate so that nothing would be given away to him.
Horrid! I awoke only to carry that on. I was back in the Master slave situation only this master was really violent and didn't care. In my fantasy of this horror he grabbed me violently in the crutch and spoke to me spitting in my face nastily with his finger inside me. He wanted me to masturbate and told me that I would come to love him for those moments when he might be nice to me. This is the vile thinking and fantasy that I hate about me. It's there and arousing and I am disgusted by it. I cannot tell anyone for my shame of it too. I wonder why I am like this? I think I must be very sick in the head and dangerous. I am scared of these thoughts. And I fell asleep and carried on the same violent dream, him hurting me and being cruel and violent. There was no arousal in the dream just terror. What is this sickness??
I have to go. I'm going to London with GB. I'm looking forward to the museums. It's such a shame AB doesn't want to go out at the moment. She had blamed her hair. She had her hair done yesterday and now is blaming money. She didn't want to go to the theatre last week and blamed it on their situation with M. I don't even know there really is a situation with M. She is just closed down again from the world. And yesterday was asking if she needed to lose weight. She doesn't but clearly there is a worry going on within her. I recognise it from being that way in myself. Curbing my life by the insanity. Not being able to do anything about it. Thank you God something is being done on  daily basis and I can a little more freedom from the prison keeper that is me.
Violence, my dad, cutting, my internal prison, shame, anger. Gosh a dream easily associated with many things going on. I could probably write more words that I could easily associate but I really must go.
Happy hot Saturday. First for a while and probably the last for a while.
Bliss
XX

ps God thank you for some clarity with every little step of the way. Please help me to act as You would have me act and be closer to you in attitude, beliefs, faith, emotions. I would love to go about my business with the Grace of God.
Your will be done.

On the scent of a track ....

A reflection of the week will only just about sum up the detail of all that I have observed and learnt about myself this week.
Monday was the day of the returning boss. It is in hindsight that I realise that actually I was full of terror. I was tense all day. And expecting a tirade. I can't remember the details of the day now, thank goodness. But what I can see is a process within me. The terror developed into a growing mania. I was on the phone to V and at the same time sketching. I was on the phone for quite some time. It was interesting listening to V speaking about himself and his situations. At that point I could sense the mania was escalating in me. The sketch was complete and it was suddenly important to scan it and download it onto all the various outlets right there and then. I think I did some other things and ended up getting to bed very late. Then at 2:20 am my mobile phone went off. I recall switching it off. About 20 minutes later my landline rang. This time I got up always worried that when the landline rings it will be my dad or about my dad. I could hear talking but not to me. Someone had dialled my number in error it would seem. I went off to sleep.
Then my alarm went off as normal and up I got. It was my turn for Aftercare so I had the entire morning, something I cherish. However, I was manic I think. And what was a revelation is that the stress and terror had been the trigger to the mania. Now there were several things that happened. I got involved texting and emailing JH which resulted in me missing my regular call to my sponsor.That has not happened before. And you know what I did as soon as I realised? Apart from dialling the number knowing she had left. I left a message saying that I had tried calling and it was engaged and then got distracted. That was a lie. So another realisation is that I pick up a lie as easily as I pick up food. I lied to avoid being disliked and a bad girl and then being rejected. More abandonment is just a horrible feeling that is so ingrained and automatic that I don't even feel it. So I learnt to lie resulting in me not getting i trouble at that moment. The problem is that something wouldn't be sitting right in me and so between me and the person I had lied to and ultimately I was untrustworthy. And it always gets found out one way or another. Thank goodness I was able to get hold of my sponsor later in the day and whilst I didn't discuss the whole lie thing I did explain the truth of what happened.
So anyway prior to eventually speaking with my sponsor I became repeatedly warned that I was being airy and not present. I burnt the saucepan twice. I'd already missed the call. There were a strong of events that showed me that I was slightly off the wall. Not completely. I have been there and this was mild. Anyway speaking to my sponsor was somewhat grounding. And then I spoke with E from FA. I had seen her website as I was sending the link for JH to take a look at. By the way he passed comment that he liked what he saw. I hope he managed to get in contact and see her work. There is one piece which she thinks is serenity that really looks exactly that serene and tactile. I want to see her work and am hoping to get to her studio or something when I go to Brighton next week.
So I called E and she suggested I stop before I go into work and listen, really listen to some classical music. Good idea. And that's just what I did. I listened to every instrument I could distinguish. And it worked. I went in to work and we had supervision. I went with the flow.
Now here was an interesting change. L kicked the meeting off talking about a client she is working with on a 1:1 basis. Of specific interest though was her lack of basic skills. As I listened and the saw the others chipping in, I carried on listening. At the right moment for me I made a suggestion but not after S had been pointing something out that L was disputing as she does. I asked her something in a different way, attempting to really hear her and this gave me the inroad as well to make a suggestion. I want to become more practiced at really hearing through my listening. I want this both in my working practise and my day to day interactions with friends and fellows. Anyway I am judgemental when I say some of the things seemed the very basics of what we do, which further confirms S's suspicions that she is a rooky. In myself I observed how immediately angry I felt that she was using our clinical supervision for her 1:1 client. A client we have never and are unlikely to meet. The others seemed to go with the flow of it so I stopped myself and went with the flow too. It was opportune in watching and participating in supporting her floundering. She was talking about how this client gushes everything out and also L displayed her resentment and judgement towards another treatment facility but also her complete grandiosity. She accused the other place of not working, in a round about way. Which she manipulated into saying that she felt an obligation to get this client well. I think she thinks she offers the best treatment. And yet I also think she is hugely out of her depth. people in glass houses ..... my training is very basic! I am glad I stopped to listen. It took a lot of our time and A pointed out the similarity between what she called it flooding and how L was flooding us with the story of this client. We did get on with some other matters but there was little time for the entire group after A had told us about family groups.
I loved Aftercare but got back very late and still had to prepare my meals. There was a message from my dad on the answer machine. He said that he was in hospital for observation. He didn't say where or for how long but said he would call me when he could. He hasn't yet. By Thursday morning my anxiety was rising and I decided to try and track him down. I found out he was on G9 ward. This made me smile in a way as that was a little family joke. There was a juke box in the hotel in Corfu King somebody hotel. My mum, dad, Karen (my friend) and I. Poor Karen was struggling with alopecia at the time. It was also her first flight ever. There was a particular song G9, a Greek song that we played over and over again. The staff in the hotel would dance with us some evenings. I don't actually recall how old we were. My ad liked it too. Anyway I was able to discover that G9 was the renal ward. I found this out mainly because the switchboard put me through to G7 who said he was on G9, yes I already knew that and before they transferred me I asked what the ward was. The renal ward which instantly worried me. My dad had a kidney transplant in 2000 or was it earlier. No I really think it was 2000. My mum died in November 2001. He married T in Sep 2002. Blimey! It all still surprises me. Anyway I was put through explained I was my dad's daughter and that he had left a message to say he was in. The nurse started saying he is comfortable but ... She hesitated and then said I can't give you any information over the phone over than to say he is comfortable and walking about and not in any pain. That sounds ominous. I am sure the stress of T being in intensive care is not assisting his own health issues. I am scared for him. I doubt he is telling me anything close to the truth. Anyway I nearly skulked off into oblivion again by saying thank you and putting the phone down. Instead I asked her if she could give my dad my mobile number. She took it and I juddered from within with fear. Thinking of the wrath of my dad when he discovered that I had tracked him down. There was a missed call from a mobile I didn't recognise. Twice. That would infuriate him even more, that having left the message to call I wasn't answering my phone. In the past there were occasions when he called at work and would bawl me out because I was busy. My goodness my dad is an angry man. Anyway I decided I could face his wrath. I was prepared to say that I had been concerned and just wanted to let him know I was anxious to know how he was doing. In my mind there was an image from Xmen2. One of the characters steps outside to take on the full brimstone and fury fire of the planet. She knew she would die but faced it anyway for the greater good, i.e. her patriots. That was what I envisioned for me. I would stand there and take it except the various ages of me are my patriots and this time it would be highly unlikely I would die. Anyway every day I wait and still no news.
Tomorrow I am going to London with GB. We'll be going to Sir John Soanes Museum and British Museum. I think I feel somewhat guilty because I ma not visiting my ad. But then I also want to respect his wishes to keep me out of things. I just would like him to know I care and am waiting with angst all of the time. What if he were to die? Would anyone call me? Is T still in intensive care? How serious is this situation for my dad? Will I get any inheritance.
What I have had is a degree of acceptance that this is how he treats me. I feel enormous sadness for the all the wrongs I brought to his door. I feel so sad that our relationships has been so troubled for so long. I feel anger towards him too. I also feel acceptance that this is just the way he is. He is not going to change for me. But as I've said I am prepared to face the wrath. It is becoming similar with L.
I no longer need to hear her nonsense. And on Wednesday evening I said that I need some allocated time in a week to do outstanding admin and also I haven't done any FFg for ages. So suddenly she said she would do the majority of the groups. Blimey! And she did. I got one discharge summary done. The rest of the time I was the photocopier copying, or on my phone or email texting and emailing. That's what I do a lot of.So this was more enormous selection for acceptances. I asked myself yesterday evening if this was false? I am truly hoping it's not but also it feels right and there's no explanation of that. What a beautiful sight, unity amongst a team of clients mainly wanting to work and bring about change. It's remarkable and peaceful.
So the biggest thing this far into recovery is the acceptance that's there. It goes when I need to rely on God and keep praying for the trust to have a belief in something other than simply me, although God is within me too. I believe God is in me and working through me.
The clairvoyant now says it's time to move on I've been there a long time now.
However I later caught him having had a biscuit. Now the same and guilt he'll be feeling could easily result in the blaming the recommendation or the room etc. Lets hope D is well enough to have boundaries in the group.
Oh then there was more contact with JH. And a little excitement was there. I have since spoken with him. As I was listening I realised nothing had changed. At first hearing his voice was enticing despite my feelings of shame from the past behaviour. But then as I listened more I realised that I was getting beyond everything now. His circumstances and my distrust was of no interest to me. It is nice to be able to be friends in some way. It is lovely that he has invited me to dinner. And I accepted. He is staying in places that I've been able to recommend. And that's all there is to it.
I met JB on Thursday and listening to his passion for his latest music project. I hope something comes of it for him. However, there is something missing for JB. It has never happened so far. Now is that a distinct lack of popularity and being an interest for a minority. Or is it just not having the breaks. Or is it his controlling of it all. I'm not sure but it would be nice if something he valued came of it such as to be able to play something of his or to get a comment from someone he respects musically,. like David Bowie he mentioned. If only he were in the rooms he could tag along an meet RS or Ec, not that he respects EC.
It was a pleasant time and I was able to share with him how I feel more acceptant of my dad. The sadness, the hurt, the anger still exists but I don't have to over dramatise it. I don;t need to share it everywhere. I don;t need to act out. So far anyway.
And then at work I have been light and breezy. She brought up the fact that we haven't sorted out our differences and said that's why she doesn't get on with me when learning that I am a Gemini. She is a Taurus. But in the main I have deferred to her everytime I have heard her resistance and a battle starting. And I have also remained me. Only this afternoon did I feel scratchy and it slipped out sideways when a client was relapsing by eating biscuits. I had seen him make a mad dash from the gathering outside. I had actually thought he as coming to get his phone so took the box outside only to discover him with his face filled with biscuit. He laughed afterwards probably nervously and I said "you've relapsed". I said no more and could have said that he needed to talk to his peer group about this. I didn't.I noticed then that I was feeling disappointed but also tired from the week and I wanted to get home. I did and then on to my meeting. What laughs we have there.

I don't recall precise details over the next few days so some of this may appear sketchy considering I am thinking this to be a week of a lot of progress in change. Just for today huh!!

I think I've probably skipped a lot of the little parts of me that have come into the consciousness. It's a real proud moment when a person grows before my eyes including myself. I feel so very fortunate. Thank you God.

Off to sleep as my eyes are drooping heavily and I have to keep reading what I've written as I'm almost asleep.

Goodnight
Bliss
XX

another fine line you got me into

the line of security verses repression is what I'm talking about.
I'm not sure if it's a bi-polar thing, all these extremes and then the gap where the fine line is.
So today I decided to return to Day 1. What does this mean? This means I have an opportunity to really look at my powerlessness. I cannot afford to be anything but entirely and utterly vigilant. That means being precise about my measurements of my food. Not a little ore or a little less. And every measurement and chosen food item matters. When I allow thins to just go by as if unnoticed this is the slippery slope down. Now I think this is security although at times I can think it's repression, too rigid and rigidity can seem tedious. When I listen to others it can sway me and I can forget the power food can have over me. I can feel so miserable and become suicidal. I feel imprisoned and break free by more eating and for a second I don't give a damn. But then guilt and the shame ensues and I need m ore food to deaden that. This is repression surely.
And all through that "ah! lets get free and easy" attitude. Rebellion? It's not as strong as rebellion I don't think. Rebellion to me is far more forceful and visibly destructive. This is a much quieter form of rebellion. Is there another description for it? A desire for nonconformity. Because conforming seems weak and boring to me. A sheep not a leader. Someone who can't think for themselves. It's also about how other will think of me. This is the mental illness? To think that conforming makes me a weak, pathetic person. How can I let the security of routine just be and it's that security that permits me to be free and creative.
This resonates with the Marcia theory of adolescence and part of the psychosocial identity theory of Eriksson. He talked about identity theories within the stages that Erikkson proposed. There is also a link as I see it with Bowlby's attachment theory. There is this period of adolescence that in my mind is a preparation for moving into adulthood. And within a secure family the adolescent is able to start exploring a broader patch of life, developing ones own network and seeing and experiencing beyond the safety of the home and parents. It's a time of beginning to develop opinions of ones own. I think parents have a difficult time with this as it represents change and change represents loss. My dad for example never seems to deal with this with any of the children he befriends. And he became unbearably controlling when I reached this stage. And of course this has an impact.
In my view this period of growth is to be able to go out and get into scrapes and make mistakes but to be able to come home to the family and address the issues that arise, explore and understand the mistakes and go forth and try again. But if there is dysfunction within the family and too repressive an approach or an attitude of no boundaries, then already the set up is influencing how this period of growth will be affected. For example if parents are too controlling there will be a sense of insecurity - too controlling could be too strict and high expectations with shaming being the way of punishing, even if this all occurs at an unconscious level. So when mistakes happen in adolescence the family home is the last place to go back and review the situation. I think this is where the extended family of the past was a useful resource as well that is missing today. Sometimes it is difficult to talk with parents that might be easier and one removed from over protection with grand parents. Of course I see how over the years there is dysfunction in that. There is imperfection within all humans so of course there will always be dysfunction. But also there are devastating effects of the extended family too. Incest, rape, meanness and so on. We all know the horrors. And entrapment. The roaming families for want of a better term mean that people have had broader experience without the shackles of the extended family. There are pros and cons of course. But if people were to keep becoming more consciously aware of all the interactions, environmental, social, as Sameroff described in the complex Transaction Model of development, then we could all be working towards improvement all of the time. Instead of just trying to get it right I think for me I just need to keep becoming conscious and looking for ways to improve. Perfection is Nirvana and Nirvana is when I die.
So where was I? Way off the track. But along similar parallels. Teh creation of security without repressing. So anyway yes the family duty is to create security without repressing or indeed creating over confidence. Somewhere in the middle is balance. And I never think the fine line is one single line, I think that balance is within a varying amount. In psychological statistics I think that would be the confidence intervals. It's an inference that there is a balance and it differs between individuals sowhere between this and this. So say there is a variotion from 1 to 100, the fine lines or interval of balance between security and repression would perhaps be between 45 and 55. An everyone has to find for themselves where they are within that. And that presents another influential dilemma. The balance interval for onw person maybe different from their own child. So if a parent tries to impose their own balance on another it immediately creates an influence. So how to develop that trust in the Universe to just be there as a support whilst also ensuring there is security throuh boundaries. So long as there is felxibility and not rigidity then all will be well? It's so complex huh!
No wonder I've been baffled recently and prior to my recovery years note ven aware of teh balance intervals. My parents certainly didn;t really show me. I think my mum may have had more of an idea but dad was rigid and controlling for certain, no benefit of the doubt there. However, I can understand more these days and so am more forgiving and less blaming. That's a blessed relief, Thank you God. To be free of that resentment is just freeing beyond anything I could imagine. And hence I think I've found the route through my struggles at work slightly easier and faster to stop and loo at. Yes it's been since January but I'm pleased that it's only May and thigns within me are so different.
And so doors are opening even if they are not all seeming right at this moment. Portsmout, Southampton, even Bognor. I just need to go and explore them. hence I need to complete the application forms.

So with my food it's security for me to follow the precise food plan and trust that the fellowship is working for everyone not destroying them. I see it working. I trust my sponsor through her experience, she is not trying to stifle me, she is trying to help me. And I know that withut that certainty of my food I take advantage. It's the mental illness of wanting more and wanting tings my way and believeing that I can get away with that or this because I can control that. I know from years of experience that I simply cannot control my food at all. I am utterly powerless. So by keeping that absolutely tight, it is possible to have freedom and creativity in other ways. Why on earth would I not want to do that. It's my anger seeping out in a subtle way? Anger becoming control?
I've been angry at work and it's diminished into frustration but when I'm frustrated I can get very stompy footed, and thinking why can't people just do it my way!!?
Plus there's the ongoing insecurity with my finances. It's scary. The future is scary. It's another fine line and balance interval. Living in today and trusting that tomorrow all will be well. But unless I am investing in today then I'm not taking responsibility for tomorrow. Then I think well I could be dead tomorrow so why not spend what I have in today and enjoy it. But then tomorrow I wake up and I've less for that day.
What about having to work forever into my old age, when already I get so tired. But then if I'm doing something I love within an environment I enjoy then I'm not so drained. But what if I'm not doing something I love in an environment I enjoy - well work through it and as I'm seeing doors will open. So long as I keep looking and then filling the other areas of my life with things and people I do enjoy I am getting sustenance enough. I can be content with my best efforts.
I think I'm seeing it. I feel repressed at work but at the same time there is security as I know what I am heading for each day. I'm getting the opprtunity to develop as a person. And when I take on a happy attitude it is actually even fun. After all L and I had a little laugh yesterday afternoon. It was brief and silly but a luagh it was nonetheless. She did a lot of the groups too. So she wants to work like a trooper then that's what she's doing. I don't like working at that pace and get too tired to keep it up. I am taking care of myself by saying so.
It will be an interesting Supervision session as I feel very different. I will listen and observe once again.
So I am at Day 1. This means no eating out for 90 days. That will probably incvenience a few people over my birthday for example but AB already conceded that it's up to me what I want to do for food on my birthday. And she really does not understand the principles I am only just getting to grips with msyelf. Why would she?
Oh we discussed the fine line of telling friends things like they are putting on weight or their behaviour seems out of order. I thin there is a way of doing this. Saying how I feel about someones behaviour is one thing. And then it's up to them whether it is a problem for them or not and want to change.
I have noticed that RB is putting on weight and changing shape. I want to say something but it's difficult. She does not ask for an opinion but when I knew I was putting on weight I didn't want others to say anything. On the otherhand it's the truth and knowing how sensitive she is about eating and size (I believe she's a foody) then it would be helpful. or would it? I am uncertain. I need tot ake this to quiet time. Perhaps the truth is something to be said but to be considerate of the individual involved may mean not saying anything. I am just not sure. Is it any of my business? This is the balance interval of discretion and brutal honesty. In retrospect I am very glad that ML told me about how she felt when I was darkly involved with SL. Darkly I say because it was day and night and then took me into darker arenas within it. I knew there was shame because I was justifying it and keeping activities secret. If my conscience is clear and my motives pure I do not need to hide anything from anyone. But of course there is discretion. An that is something I need to discern by listening to God.
God, please show me what I need to do with this matter of honesty but maintaining a person dignity. This is a part of my job too really. Learning ow to say things to open up the awareness for the person but without being antogonistic and creatign hostility. This is a balance interval that is very valuable and very difficult to attain. It is a gift of God.

As always I welcome any input. I know though only one friend who dips into this Blog. It's a serious matter of learnign about life and people. Yet no one is erading it and so no one is contributing. It's a pity really as there is an entire world of resource out there at my finger tips. All with differing views that could be so useful for me. And no one ever comments. Oh well. I will take these questions I have, with genuine interest and a desire to be better as a person, to God.

Thank you God for the gift of thought and writing to be able to spill all my thoughts out.

Bliss
XX

Mise en scene

Mise en scene - a little phrase I hadn't heard or retained before last evening when someone asked me the mise en scene.
T said she had written a whole long text on bi polarity and FA. Here's my response.
Oh I wish I had been able to read your text about bi polar and FA. I have been thinking about it some more actually. And I am remembering my own theory that diagnoses are always only moving hypothesis. Something to start out with and that the symptoms can always be shifting. So for instance the umbrella term of a mental illness can manifest in many different ways. I think with me it can manifest in many different ways. And to give it a name is a convenient starting point to seek treatment forms. Addiction too is a mental illness and I think it ebbs and wanes depending on how I a or am not dealing with life issues. There is some brain wiring that has been affected genetically (i.e. I have a predisposition towards functioning in a particular way) and also there are the things that happened in my childhood that infiltrated the brain wiring of mine to be received in a particular way sort of reinforcing the wiring. Neither exist without the other. And so - depending on the way my brain is chugging and the life forces of my daily environment is how this all comes together. I think it's problematic to call it a mental illness. But I suppose there is some sort of level that appears to be a norm - the problem is I truly don't believe any single person has perfect brain wiring - everyone to varying degrees has some kind of mental illness in that case. The difficulty comes when the "wiring" and therefore the ways of dealing with life situations becomes dysfunctional or in other words there are harmful consequences - harmful to self and/or others. It is then that change is needed to minimise the harm. Therefore if the "illness" is addiction and it starts to cause problems there needs to be a change. I can see that with my food. It has been problematic for years and causing me health problems at times but also increasingly contributing to mental difficulties - self-esteem, cognition to varying levels and at different times. There have been times when I will simply accept size and deal with the lack of self esteem that brings. And other times size will be so crippling I barely function in the world - skulking along in the dark shadows rather than be seen.
It's similar with the highs and lows. There have been times when I've relished the highs, enjoying the craziness and the risk taking. The crazy relationships have all brought adventures until the pain hits. But none of these things stand alone. They are not separate illnesses or rather one label doesn't mean that the symptoms are stand alone. No I think that the symptoms cross over each other and probably trigger each other. I am certain that my highs augmented my drinking so that I would keep uppping the extent of risk I would take. And similarly the lows were the necessary brain rest but almost obliterating life completely, feeling trapped and suffocated.
The funny thing is FA people do talk about this being a mental illness and so as I listen and really listen I see that they are saying "I'm a food addict and this is a mental illness". And I know that I have mental issues. Illness in my perception is something that then makes a person different from others whereas more and more I am believing that everyone is just on a spectrum of variation, no one in other words is entirely "well" if we use that ill well determinant. It's a continuum of varying and some are worse or better than others along that continuum.
The thing is when people use labels it tends to create a stigma. It's the same with racism or any other prejudives, it's people making other people different from and the same as. It could be linked with the days of living in tribes. There's my tribe and there's the other tribe and we become protective of ourselves in our own tribe for the Darwin theory of survival of our gene. Dawkins The Selfish Gene theory.
Anyway keeping it with the labels and so as not to digress too far down the evolutionary explanation - these labels or diagnoses can be helpful except when people then get stuck in the diagnoses. Using the label to explain everything away rather. I can use the bi polar one to excuse risk taking behaviour or even to excuse the desire to do absolutely nothing, the depression where I simply do NOTHING and therefore my house gets messy and I do not want to face the difficult situations in my life such as the fear I have around this woman at work - it's obsessive - this is all mental dysfunction whatever label I put to it - addiction, bi polar, psychosis, etc etc.
I am praying for you. I am certain you will be taking in useful information that someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe in years to come will be a part of your growth and enhance the already wonderful beautiful you I see.
I have to be careful because I can easily convince myself I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. Especially as I am dealing with my primary addiction to food. I really, really know this is it as I feel a lifting of the compulsion and obsession. However it leaves me with the issues I have with life and people. I hear the messages of self hatred and doubt all the time. Now I think these are linked with being wired so that I am on the very sensitive end of that continuum. I guess that continuum can be at one end highly sensitive and at the other completely desensitised
both extremes can be as dangerous for a person in the sense that behaviours and attitudes can cause problems for the desensitised person (psychopath would probably be the extremest extreme). The highly sensitive or nervous person is caused problems by receiving behaviours and attitudes from others. And I feel sure we can all bounce from one extreme to the other bt often default at one extreme. Again theories but not evidenced through any research
So remove the plasters I have used i.e. food, relationships, alcohol, narcotics, hedonism or any form of escapism and there I am exposed to the things I've been trying to cover up - high sensitivity. It really doesn't matter anymore how or why I am like this. I also theorise that it doesn't start of as chronic as it ends up. We get to that point gradually through the wearing of way of trying to deal with life.
So here I am highly sensitive - a form of mental illness. And feeling totally vulnerable and scared.
T: Hi I love reading what you write. I am at NLP course now and over the weekend. And have forgotten my Norwegian adapter to my English computer - meaning I will not be able to go on the computer till I am home if I don't find adapter - which is very difficult - already phoned shops. Well addiction. I feel lost now with no sponsor and no contact with FA except you. I love the break even if I am a bit scared where it will end. But I know I can go back whenever I like.
T you will be OK whatever happens. Of that I am certain. If you want to go back to FA it will be there.
T: Need to know more about my brain and mental illness as I have huge problems accepting - so find it mot=re intriguing and OK when you say that everyone has some kind of mental disorder.
You may find another way. It may be that you just become at ease just the way you are.
By the way I'm sorry for writing out my theories and thoughts as I have done this morning. It helps me to get my thoughts into order writing it and especially knowing someone else will read it and add new ideas to my ideas
T: I am wondering if NLP works on me at all. I did a commitment to not eating chocolate last time - but that didn't work. Previous in my life I have tried hypnosis to stop smoking - that didn't work either. I think these techniques don't get deep enough in me. It's like they just flush off the surface. I'm not bothered in a way. Scares me when other people come back and said that the NLP techniques of seeing chocolates as something disgusting kept them off eating it while I just didn't care thinking of it as disgusting when I wanted it..
Hmmm interesting. I wonder if it depends on what you want from NLP. Again this is simply a theory but if you want something to take the responsibility for the action then maybe you/I don't let the NLP in deep enough.
I see people come into treatment expecting the treatment to take away the desire to drink
T: Keep writing to me - i like reading your theories.. gives me something to think of.
of course that doesn't work - the treatment gives people information and helps them look at what the addictions have actually resulted in to strip away the euphoria
then they have to decide whether they are willing to go to the lengths required to stay stopped
T: Yes I want to stop being obsessive. But its like I am not interested anymore but just have to be here because it costed me a fortune and I can't not try it. But I don't have all of me in it - if you see.
Knowing what the "illness" is or the consequences of eating chocolate or talking about issues from the past are all just providing more self awareness
T: It's like I don't have all of me in anything. It's like being numbed for the time being. I'm not here if you see.
 the desire to stop has to come from deep within and then if open to that I see the info drop in too
T: Gosh how difficult to explain or maybe you just understand. I am here but I am not here
I really do understand that feeling of being numbed and not entirely present in any area of my life. I want to be but just can't seem to be.
I truly do understand that
just functioning. So many times I went to see SC my therapist and it was sitting in his room that I could really see how I was knowing how I should be but just wasn't totally with myself
I described it as being like a shell and my soul wasn't there anymore
I can still get like that of course. Difficult issues at work have switched off a part of me. It's as if I completely detach
I also know that going through menopause magnified that. It's as if I was blanketed because of an excess or maybe a decrease of hormones
And the hunger for food I had was just a power I had never encountered before.
T: Yes true. Shell without soul. And people kept asking me yesterday at the course where I was - hello Tone are you here? So I really understood that I am not present this time. And that it is affecting others. Shall I leave today?
It was worse than ever I had known it and it's been bad for as long as I can remember
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't leave
T: Bliss do you know why we disappear like this - you said you had the same feeling sometimes - why do you have that feeling or do it?
See it through. Keep showing up, take in what you can even if it's merely at an intellectual level. Don't give up on yourself
I think I disappear in this way because I am afraid. Afraid of what I ask myself?
I think it's also a way of dumbing down the emotions. I no longer have food, alcohol, drugs, men, partying etc to dumb down the feelings. I am a person (mental disorder perhaps) that has heightened emotions, I am very sensitive to the world and this brings on LARGE emotional reactions
T: Thanks I will be there even if it affects the others - they can take responsibility for themselves and just don't care with me. It is the most aware people that see that I am not alert.
I get overwhelmed by my emotions because I seem to over react - i.e. I behave to extremes in reaction or my attitude is massive or my beliefs become extreme which create catastrophising thinking or black and white thinking
so the only way I can deal with this it seems or in my belief system so deeply buried to the point of being unconscious is that I detach from my emotions. BUT
there is a price - the price is I am an almost an empty shell and then I cannot emotional respond to anything. If I let even a little emotion out I go back to explosion and extremity
T:Yes I am afraid of over reacting at work especially. There is going to be a meeting on Monday and I am scared but not willing to accept I am scared. I can't be scared coz I have to show up. But of course I can be scared and show up - as I will.
So what I am realising is that I have this mental disorder - mental that affects emotional and spiritual and physical. The physical comes out as addictive behaviours
You can be scare and take your fear to other people that can listen and even relate. I relate absolutely. The problem is I don't have solutions from my experience yet that I can share with you.
What am I afraid of? I am afraid that I will be seen as under qualified and incompetent. Is this pride? I am as qualified as I am. But I tell myself that I am dealing with peoples lives and so how can I possibly be doing this job with the little knowledge I have.
I have theories but the truth I truly see is that everyone only ha theories - no one knows absolutely
there is evidence to support that everything and anything works or doesn't
But other people don't know they are only working with theories. Their pride tells them they know. But to know that often means they have to show that others are wrong
I am glad to know I don't know but it leaves me afraid of being spotted as not knowing
I am then afraid that they will want to get rid of me
worse than that I am afraid they will be conspiring behind my back to get rid of me or reduce my salary which then taps into my fear of financial worries. I am struggling so much in this are. And I like to have things or be able to do things. And if I have no money I will absolutely bored. Boredom is a killer for me. I go into a deeper depression when bored or explode out of myself and build up debt which then causes me to worry more - you see nothing stands alone it's all so interconnected
I am afraid too that I will be a failure. And to fail means I am not respectable. I am afraid what others will think of me. If I have no money I cannot do things with other people and they will abandon me. If I am a failure at work people won't want anything to do with me. I have to have proof that I'm not a failure because I do not believe I am enough. And I need other people to see that I successful because otherwise they won't have any value of me and confirm that I am not enough. I would also add this perception of failure is external. Failure is simply a word for something that hasn't worked. That happens. Everyone has failure at some points or other. It eems that so many people use this word meaning that's it everything is over. So I might fail an exam. That's it for now but it doesn't mean to say that's it life over. There are many ways of dealing with a failure - get up and try again, try something else until finding things that I can succeed at more easily, take a break. Look at the elements that have gone well. Failure is used as so utterly defeating. It's not. Everyone makes mistakes, has strenghts and weaknesses. everyone is different. Some people have a btter capacity to remember than others - does this mean that one is a success and one a failure. Society has developed the world based on particular measures. It doesn't mean to say people falling under those specific measures are worthless and failures. It's the measure that set that up! The problem is people are people and if only we could lvoe each other for being who we are rather than what a few think everyone should be and if not dispose of them. Poop!
How intricate my thinking is and adds to my fear.
The problem is that before I turn on myself I turn on everyone else that I think is attacking me. I get resentful first and then in my defensiveness I get aggressive - verbally, or in my attitude and then I hate myself for being like this and then I turn that hatred on myself - evidence that I am a terrible out of control nasty person.
How much effort can one person put into all of this no winder I'm so exhausted
And I HAVE to prove that "she or he" is the baddy because then I'm not. But they are just being who they are. I am the one with a mental disorder. I just need to learn how to be OK. I think at work you see that they will find out they employed an incompetent. Someone just meddling my way through. I was like that in my last job and had made it through the ranks to the dizzy heights of middle management. Thought I was a somebody but inside was scared they'd see really I was a nobody.
Phew T. I relate to your fear at work. Hence I need to keep talking about it so that I can keep finding the energy to face it and learn. Learn how to take action and just be OK being me. If I keep running ( addiction, off sick, leave etc) I will never ever learn.
I am praying for you. I am certain you will be taking in useful information that someday - maybe tomorrow, maybe in years to come will be a part of your growth and enhance the already wonderful beautiful you I see.
Thanks for letting me ramble my thoughts. They get stuck in my head otherwise and I go mad. I am scared that people will just think this is the mental illness I have and none of it really is of any consequence as I'm just crazy. But actually I believe that my theories do have substance. I suspect my psychiatrist will have an opinion on this.
The problem is that I work in a unit that has a philosophy of the Minnesota model based on 12 step and there's little lee-way for me to present it with my understanding. I need to substantiate it somehow or find ways to present this to a paying public. This would be a part of my workshops for therapy groups. It's just using the info already gathered - big book, research etc and then creating the presentation. Any help? We could do this together. :) using art in workshops too.

Manic

I think I may be a little "high". I realised this with little tell-tale signs. Such as spending money, paranoia and wanting to write down every little thought. Such as this one. My thoughts seem a little racy and at times, as with the ideas for a new job, there's a touch of grandiosity and also a sense of NOW, urgency. Also I'm finding it difficult and anxiety is increasing to deal with daily issues, they seem enormous and require decisions. I have some ideas for things as I have had with fostering that seem utterly do-able and reasonable to me yet a couple of friends had questioned if I'm high. I just think they're being boring.
What's going on, i.e. the high stress situation at work and an ever increasing study workload could be the cue for this mild high. I don;t know if it's a high because it's very usual for me to be feeling and thinkng how I do.
The paranoia takes the form of me thinking GB doesn't like being around me and my endless nonsense chatting, so when she knows I'm arriving she takes herself off to bed. And then I also think LK may be recording us in the office on her phone and earphone thingy. I also think she's trying to utilise my defect of self-hatred b dropping in little comments, such as " I was surprised that B and C said they didn't know you at all". Whether they know me or not is immaterial, it's her saying it that I question. Is this slight paranoia? I am concerned that neighbours can overhear all my telephone conversations. I can hear downstairs so I assume he can hear me. I never hear the ones to the side but they are always alone so they don;t seem to talk at all.

I was also just pondering the idea that people lack harmony between each other and this is humanness not God. I am confused about me judging LK as quite unwell. What right do I have to make such a judgement. I strongly sense anger and dislike or contempt or disdain from her towards me. So this is disharmony or harmony between us? Harmony in the semse that I sense something strong from her to me and in return I dislike and disrespect her. From the start she wasn't ever going to PD but I wasn't expecting this. So where does the discord begin? I simply don't like what I see. This is disharmony then on whose part? There is no harmony between us and it seems that it's not possible to find a middle road because she is unwilling to shift. She has no boundaries - I am making a judgement. Maybe she has but her boundaries are so very different from my own. God please can you show me how harmony can be achieved with this situation. I trust that it is possible.
And then I asked my sponsor B about my confusion and she helped me. What I have understood but I suspect not yet felt is this:
Keeping the focus on me for a moment and truly knowing that I have this mental illness whereby I have self hatred, when I make mistakes I judge myself so harshly I tend annihilate myself. So when people appear to be judging me I assume they want to annihilate me. Now when I can stop wanting to annihilate myself and start loving me rather than hating me, then I will love all and it won't matter if they are judging me harshly or not. It's the same experience I have had learning about friendship. I never trusted anyone was really a friend, that they would harm me in some way at some point. The truth is that people can and do because they are human but because I trust myself in friendships I am less concerned that they will abandon me and if they do I know that I will be OK. Of course the annihilation can step in so very quickly even though I've had some shift in this area. Again I can all too quickly turn it on myself saying "see, you're not worthy of friendships and no one likes you!". This is a total lie. Lots of people like me and show that they like me with their warmth and friendliness.
I have so much to learn. How often I talk about loving learning. This brings a smile to me as loving learning means I have to have lessons. I don't like the pain of lessons though. I want it all to be painless and smooth. That's no way to learn, not to truly learn so that it becomes a part of my very essence. Otherwise it's purely an intellectual experience. The real lessons come from specific experiences.

I had a horrible dream this morning. I woke up feeling dreadful and very sad. AB and I had a terrible argument. It was public in the fact that ML was there, GB and RB too. Ab was venting how fed up with me she was. This I think is possibly my paranoia playing out. But also how upset and angry I was back at her. I have woken up realising how much I value her and our friendship. I would not want AB to be distant in my life. I do worry that she doesn't want me there so much. But I also think I am quite snappy with AB at the moment. She is more controlling mode right now, drinking more and quite abrupt or snappy at times. I am snappy back fending off her controlling. I see her quite irascible with her mum and telling her sister what she needs to do when she does nothing for herself at all. I have a feeling that as T's visit gets closer (I don't know if it's even happening) that this might be adding to her angst but she's not talking about it. I get a feeling that something is underlying. Her angst decreased slightly after the bridge lunch was over. She was very irascible prior to that. And there were 2 women coming that she had problems with. I have a sense that her issue with the very rich lady is something to do with her own pride around wealth. AB is very complex and very private.
I will tell her how much I value her as my friend and all that she does for me too. And I will try to be less snappy. God please can you help me with harmony in this situation too?
LouLou is lying beside fast asleep.Her paws are against my leg and she's dreaming I suspect as her paws are all twitching. It's so cute. I need to get up and prepare my breakfast but I don't want to disturb her. She rarely sits with me anymore. Is it because she's getting older or because she has move her real alliance to GB or because I'm often stressed??
Who knows. All I know is I love her anyway so so deeply. I wish we could be together forever.

Bliss
XX

Sempre fidelis

Forever faithful.
I wonder when that crosses a line and becomes an antipode for something so loving and awesome. Foolishly overtrusting or credulous to the point that being forever faithful means getting hurt in some way, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically. Then again when should one stay, or even how to stay, regardless of the aforementioned inflictions? How to keep that absolute faith? Perhaps this is a generally difficult moral question. And what about when it is the question of believing in God. Stay regardless? God will show the way in the end? I get confused.
Perhaps this is an analogy for this confusion but I think a dead man is stuck in his Corner Cottage. I hadn't even realised he was dead until the other day. I saw people, I'm guessing they were family, moving in and out of the pretty little cottage. I got a sense he was watching them but in my heart, or intuition I knew that he was dead. There was a quietness about these people as they went about their business. I wondered if they had been close with what was probably their dad.
I had never spoken to him apart from the odd tip of the head or a "good morning" in passing. I sensed something about him but goodness I sense a lot about a lot of people. Maybe my senses are super alert or maybe I am just paranoid. Who knows?
These people were traipsing in and out of the little cottage doors. Some items were going in the skip. A little brown, plastic rimmed kitchen clock had a notice stuck on it's face saying "please take me". It was leaning against the foot of the skip. Oh I wasn't standing there following every move. I actually passed this activity, as I went to and fro on my walks with LouLou. Oh no I wouldn't be so rude. I felt sad. The mood was sombre in their faces as they went about their duty. And then, after just two days they were gone. Corner Cottage, shut down, empty, a space created by old bricks, stillness, settling dust.
Except was it? He was still there. I knew it. I could feel him looking out through the net curtains. Stuck.
When I saw old Vic for his three times per week early morning lift to work, I enquired what had happened to the man in Corner Cottage. He said in his Hampshire village accent and gruff voice, "Oh he died some time before Christmas". I was rather surprised, I must say, as to I thought I had seen him and tipped a good morning to him. His usual, I can see him in my mind's eye right now, coming out of the little front door, doing something in the little fenced off area, turning round, maybe it was his rubbish bin. There was always something a-pottering being done. I had noticed that his hair had become longer and he looked sort of unkempt as a result. I wondered if he was clean actually. Previous to that I had always thought of him as perhaps rather strict about his appearance. Especially as he paid such attention to his garden. I knew because when the gate to the walled garden was left slightly ajar, I would sneak a look. It was delightfully, perfect. A little secret walled garden, just like the story from my childhood. Perhaps it's the magical memory and association that has created this sense of him still being at home.
But then the next morning, after everything had been finally locked up and just the net curtains left, that was the morning that I suddenly asked him why he was staying. He seemed to be waiting for someone. A son? That's my sense, a son to come home from somewhere. But these seemed silly thoughts, like the bluffing people, or so I cynically thought, standing on stage of the Christian Spiritual Church in Chawton, drawing on the hopeful, vulnerables. "I have a lady called Rose to speak to someone in the audience in this general area. Can anyone take this?". I expect they'll have to start changing the names as the generational changes occur. My grandmother (fathers side was called Rose). And M had once said there's a lady here giving me a rose. I wonder why they say "can anyone take this?" Why don;t they simply ask if this is familiar or does anyone know who this might be. Jargon. We all get caught up in it. It's like a short-cut or a slang yet it creates in-groups and out-groups. Sometimes I don't even understand what's meant at all but stick around long enough and it's possible to get a general gist. But then have I really understood or just think I understand, too shy or lacking in self esteem to actually ask if my interpretation is actually what is meant.
Maybe there is something in it after all as I have had things go across my mind such as the waiting and a son and the name John too. I will ask old Vic what he knows of Corner Cottage man's story.
I know he was a regular attendee at the Church. I think he was heavily involved in responsibilities as when I was bell ringing I would see him tidying and shuffling. That's what it looked like to me anyway. And I think he greeted people into the church for the service too.
I know no more. I noticed this morning that one of the nets has dropped slightly. How could that happen in an empty house? Perhaps someone visited it for the last things. Or maybe estate agents are taking potential buyers in to view it.
He's still there though. There is one room with no curtains. This seems strange to me. Why leave all the others and strip those particular windows completely bare. As I walk by late at night, it's that room I can almost see him looking out from, his face close to the window. It is often filled with the moonlight. The window I mean, not his face because that's not really there, just in my mind's eye. This morning, I felt he was deeper inside, not looking out. I thought he'd perhaps found his way out and away. I stood looking at the front door for quite some time. A little scared really but also compelled to look. I was waiting for LouLou, sniffing and scenting her way slowly, slowly, in a meandering way. So I had an excuse to be standing there. Just looking. And it was also very early so there was not a stir in the village. The sun was still coming up, despite a lie in. I do feel quite pious for early mornings now. I enjoy getting up earlier and going to bed earlier too. I feel as if there's much more of a day. I do feel tired today though as I pushed bedtime further out last night. I was watching a very silly American mini series Homeland. The acting of the woman and her storyline to me seems implausible but then what d I know as I've never worked for the CIA or whichever agency it's meant to be. She a special investigator of sorts. In the opening scenes she was wondering around Iraq, albeit her head covered and walked through hostile streets, unscathed at all. It's just not doing it for me. I will watch I expect to find out what happens to the good actor Daniel Lewis. The intriguing part of the story so far. A British actor being the main part in an American mini series that's hit it pretty big I believe. Now that's an interesting story in itself. And the situation between him and his wife, his return from being held captive for 8 years, the mental scars etc. I think it's all grossly underplayed but Daniel is playing the part well in my opinion.
So maybe that's why I sensed less this morning. Or maybe it's the bi-polarish things in my head slightly stirring and fizzling. ML noticed that I have been feeling very sad for lots of people recently. I am concerned for my neighbour who cannot afford to have his heating on. I feel pretty peeved as having given him food, albeit that I can't eat anymore, and then paying him to clean my car, inside and out, I think he went and spent money on booze. I wonder if he found money in my car too but was decent enough or perhaps too desperate for. If I was truly generous I'd let go of this and be OK with him spending the money on anything he wanted to spend it on. But I was wanting him to buy food and look after his dogs needs. He went out for an entire day leaving his dog at home. I have o idea where he went but it was mean I thought. And if it was having my money in his pocket that took him to booze and away from his responsibility - pah! My good deed back fired on my thinking. Why am I so negative in my thinking. I am glad that I was able to help despite my own poor bank balance. And I need to leave it at that.
I was very sad to hear JH's news. And I wonder how well he will take care of himself.
I was feeling sad for the Big Issue seller yesterday. Irish, homeless, no back teeth. A nice fella really. Down on his luck. I bought a Big Issue from him and then he promptly started telling AM about how beautiful her eyes were. What about me? I have to laugh as that is how low my self esteem is. I want the fella to see the beauty in me too.
I can't remember now who else I've been feeling very sad about. There has been an intensity which I think may be the brain cells and chemicals doing something. Maybe that's why I feel a super sensitivity around Corner Cottage and actually he's not there at all. I prayed this morning for him to be freed. I said to him he was permitted to go and that he didn't need to wait. I know it will all be resolved if he can just let go. Enmeshed, unselfishly devoted but at a cost of being stuck between worlds. I will endeavour to learn more about him. People will think I'm strange perhaps. But in the research perhaps I something will become apparent. Who knows? If there's more to tell I will write in my blog.

Yesterdays FA meeting was great. I hadn't realised that one person hadn't reached 90 days. There was literally B and myself who could share. I chaired the meeting which was a real honour. And I felt able to be myself. Silly at times. I shamed myself at one point thinking I had shamed B who had arrived slightly late. I hadn't thought that at all until after opening my mouth. I will hope to be more mindful.
I am interested to notice how having been given my target weight and later enquiring how it's calculated, i.e. 100 pounds for every 5 foot and then 5 pounds for every inch thereafter = 125 pounds for me, that B seeing me yesterday seems to be questioning the target weight. I didn't ask anything or even say that I feel threatened by her questions. My fear is that having decided on 125 pounds now that she has said it, I don't want to deviate from that. I had been thinking before I knew that target that I was getting close and even felt disappointed that there was so much more to lose. But then it's become about achieving that and how much thinner I will be. I don;t want to stop prior to that weight. I think this is me taking control and a slight anorexic attitude. I had also noticed that during the week off I had been delaying my breakfast until after my walk with LouLou, then a slight further delay by feeding her first. Practical really but my thinking involves stretching out as I may lose more weight and get thinner. Interesting how quickly these thoughts infiltrate. I spoke about it with B this morning. And also the wanting of food last night. I could have taken myself to be but no I insisted that I would stay up late. Already tired and strained from the low self esteem realisation yesterday, plus a painful irritable bowel day but would I listen to my tiredness? No! Instead I wanted to eat the whole time. I didn't make any calls because I thought it was too late. I was reminded this morning that I can call people in the US. I will make some intro calls this afternoon. I called H in OZ already and that was nice to catch up with her. She's been unwell. It was an opportunity to mention that I bumped into ex-client A. In a very busy Waterloo station we came face to face. She seemed to go passed me but I stopped her. Now ethically I'm not certain that was appropriate but I couldn't help myself. She looked as pretty as ever but as large as ever. I wonder if she is still using? I broke my anonymity and said that I was on my way to the FA meeting and perhaps she'd like to try it sometime. I also suggested that she comes along to Aftercare. She was off to meet up with the girls which was a lovely thing to hear as she was a worry with her isolating tendency. I hope she comes to Aftercare. I hope it will be OK to break my anonymity further and suggest FA. I think V will be pissed off at me as she doesn't work on the food addiction bases. She treats it as a disorder. I think there are both as separate things and would love to find a way to research this.
Anyway the meeting was lovely. We had lunch together which as always was pleasant. And then I left on foot heading towards Victoria from Canon Street. I walked along to Fleet Street and then too the number 11 dismounting as he turned off towards Victoria. I then walked through the winding streets to Millbank to meet Am at the Tate Britain.
I enjoyed the exhibition. With a focus on Picasso in Britain and his influence on British art, there were some wonderful pieces of his work and scattered with work by Ben Nicholson, Duncan Grant, Wyndham Lewis, Henry Moore, Francis Bacon Graham Sutherland and David Hockney.
I particularly loved a charcoal sketch of a young man leading a horse. And the watercolour stage costume designs were exquisite. In my opinion he was a truly talented artists with a flair to try on for size many different styles and skills. He was prolific. He was also promiscuous. Why is it women, well women like me are attracted to these arty men who are lovers of women generally and loyal to none? It's not sempre fidelis in their mind. They have a flurry of women at their beckoning and take full advantage. Some people would day how can a man resist? But I say why can't a man resist and remain decent, and honour his commitment. Make no commitment then they don't have to honour it in case something better comes along. Pah!
I was bemused by myself with the street Big Issue seller. There was the Irish twinkle in his eye despite his situation. As I said to B in my deep despair from not being the one to be flirted with even by someone who I am not attracted to for many reasons, in the past I would go all out to get that man's attention. I could easily end up living on the streets or buying into whatever their lifestyle and beliefs were just to be made to feel wanted. Deep inside though I would know I had manipulated it and abandoned all sense of self and soul in the process. So losing the little esteem reserves I had. I have been in many a dark place in quest of that esteem from men. I ask You God to help me to stay safe from the behaviours - thank you God for removing me from the risk today. And please God can you help me to develop my esteem. I know it's changing. AM notices a big change in me already. She couldn't put her finger on exactly what but verbalised it as being more grounded. It was interesting too her telling me how I was disappearing during 2010. She knew I wasn't being entirely open with her and she didn't know if it was to do with JH or SL. But all did not seem well and she felt afraid for me yet powerless to do anything. All she could do was hope that  wold come back to her. I am never sure how much she values me as a friend but actually how can anyone value in the way I want. That is, total commitment that everything will be as it is forever and that I am top importance. That's unhealthy. But I do hope for friendship that means no malicious intent or gossip and that the person in reliable, dependable and will not disappear at the drop of a hat. Is that the saying? Well it's a good one if not.
I notice that the friendship with ML has altered a lot. But with her I do not feel so certain that she's still there regardless of the changes in our lives right now. Some people it matters less. I wonder why it matters more. I think it's good that I care and it matters. I need to learn how t care not to care so much. But I think there is a balance in that, just like the sempre fidelis confusion I have. It's not easy come easy go, people are to be valued and not just tossed away as things get difficult or challenging or changes occur. This is a long way from the man with the gift of the Blarney. I've kissed the Blarney stone. Bet you couldn't tell, as I gut laugh at my quiet demeanour, always.

Picasso
So some pieces of work -
Guernica - only because it's so famous. I saw some sketches of his preparation for this and the poor dying horse with his angular tongue was torturous to look at. The entire thing is quite amazing yet really so pitiful and violent. AB was impressed that it was there, at first questioning that it was. I doubted myself but knew I had seen it. She said if couldn't have been the original version. But it was surely. They wouldn't be showing a copy in the Tate Britain now - come on!

Naked Woman in a Red Chair
This glowed actually. The colours in this image do not come anywhere near the glowing colours of the original. It was mesmerisingly sensual and the glow was her beauty I felt. Or the beauty he saw in her


The watercolours of the costume and scenery design for Diaghilev's ballet The Three Cornered Hat were exquisite ...

The curtain ...

The Chinese Conqueror


The Three Dancers

I loved this by Henry Moore. I wanted to touch it. I'm sure they were carved to be touched. This is how I'd like my bookends to be.

And I really liked this of David Hockney naked reaching gently across to Picasso - the curator had suggested this was a bearing of the soul and thanks from Hockney to Picasso for the influence Picasso had had on him

There was an oil by Ben Nicholson of his lover Barbara Hepworth in a style influenced by Picasso but I cannot find an image of it online. He had scratched the essence of Hepworth into the oil. It was then like a reverse negative of white scratched into black. I was quite delighted by it. I could feel love I think. Perhaps I am just a romantic. And yet the other way round I could feel love from Hepworth for Moore yet her work wasn't there, clearly not so influenced by Picasso.
Others like Bacon and so on, didn't enthral me. It was interesting to see their work there but I didn't linger over them int eh same way.
And of course I loved the Weeping Woman



Until the next time

Bliss
XX

Fry, Kusama and photo journalists

 - Stephen Fry at the Bafta's. He will be making a return to live stage later this year in Twelfth Night. Only standing tickets left on 2 midweek matinee's. He commands such acclamation.

The pic of Stephen fry looks as if he's in the bipolar if that's a recent photo but I think that's my own stuff - mood and too much food I think are closely associated. I'm not sure which comes first to be honest. I certainly haven't had lows since food has been in order. I do have flashes of just wanting life to be over and I generally welcome death mainly being surprised I'm still alive anyway - sometimes disappointed. It's odd that I exist on an underlying bleakness but still find joy and gratitude during a day. Sometimes I notice it's beyond joy and becomes exaltation which I know means irrational behaviour and attitude but I don't know it when in the middle of it. I have questioned the diagnosis of bipolar, really liking it at first. Mainly because it sort of gave me a sense of something bizarre as that might sound. I meant I was taken seriously in my crazy world. Having a label made me a somebody. How sad that seems now that I've written that. But since then I've thought differently.  I don't think my craziness is bad enough to be bi-polar and also I'm not sure what leads it all. Is it addiction or bipolar or just sheer fucking faulty wiring of everything. Sometimes I'm all OK - normal it seems. I think I've had extended periods of that in the last 90 days. But I can hear a little voice that is getting louder. It tells me that all the being good is tedious. Nothing naughty and fun doesn't happen. I've had this since a little girl. I wrote a tiny tiny list once to try and shut this inner voice up. I was about 11 or 12. Things like I will not tell lies, I will not be naughty, I will not make up worlds. I had fantasies back then. I can even visualise that little piece of paper now. But I would always renegade on what good me set up for myself. I don't think there's anything evil - I never ever have meant anyone any harm. I feel sad actually as it seems all do uncontrollable. Since starting this text I've since spoken with my sponsor and through talking got some more clarity. The naughtiness is so linked with my deep fury. I sexualise fury - even since little. I'm scared of that now. After the destructiveness of the relationship with JH and before him CY - I truly am afraid of that in me. I really am turning to God more but I'm furious with God too. So sharing all this verbally has brought more insight and I can feel calm returning. Interesting too how unconscious motives and thoughts are driving naughty me. .....and just then my dad called. I think subtly and not so subtly this is all linked. It's his birthday on Tuesday. I feel flustered about that. Then his phone call - frankly I don't believe his excuses but to begin with I was alarmed and fearing something dreadful by his tone. Listening for every little tonal difference I detected what gave me a clue it was a lie. I don't trust him and don't find it easy to let go of my lack of trust. He's lied to me for ever. So what? That's just the way he is but it's tapped into my broken heart and rage. I feel a need to rage but know I need to contain it. This feels very difficult right now. Thank God my food is weighed and measured. I need real help with all of this from God.

An interesting call with my sponsor around all this stuff - my thoughts on Friday morning about feeling naughty. I am the little girl with the gilr in the middle of her forehead. I go along being good, good, good and then a little inner voice questions the goodness and says "where's all the fun? Let's use some energy!". Good doesn't burn up this energy inside of me. B asked if it was rebellion. And as I was talking about this is when I was identifying a burning rage in me. I'm not sure that the energy isn't just me. A fierce energy that needs to be directed because otherwise it can become a destructive force. I don't know if it's actually linked with any underlying feelings provoked by events of the past. That would make it very explainable but sometimes it feels free floating energy that needs to be expounded. And always it's been like a little thought change in my thinking.
Then B asked me this morning to take some quiet time to consider if that thinking was linked with my actions of yesterday, day 89, and then ending up eating my meal at 8pm. I wasn't going to tell her at all, then I wasn't going to tell the full extent of the lateness, then I decided I needed to take responsibility and face up to the consequences. I trusted that all would be OK whatever.
In truth I don't think this was a rebellious chain of events. I was in London and went along to the Tate Modern only to discover that the time slots they were selling would mean a 1 1/2 hour wait. I deliberated long and hard but my focus was on whether it would be acceptable to Abigail or not. I couldn't get hold of her to see if it was and so decided not to. I headed towards the photo journalism exhibition. This incidentally was free and with my current money situation should have been my choice anyway. However, I wanted also to see the Yoyoi Kusama exhibition based on recommendations from two people whose opinion I value greatly from their creative interests in the past. I went back deciding that I might as well get a ticket as I was going to mill around anyway. Now it was another hour later!!! But as I had made a decision and was not enjoying the indecision in me, I went ahead. What I didn't think about was when I would actually get home to eat my evening meal. It turned out that I didn't get to eat until just before 8pm a whole 2 hours later than I am required to eat. And I was hungry. I made my decisions all based on the wrong focus. I need to adjust that thinking. A focus on my clean food MUST MUST MUST come first. Then and only then is there room for spontaneity and freedom. After realising, I made a call to B to tell her the situation but I was unable to reach her.
In hindsight I could have better come to a healthy decision by calling out to other FA folk. However, having been at a meeting all morning with them I thought I was all "cured". Ha! I can learn from this too. It would make indecision less painful if I actually deliberated over choices with the help of others. I pray that I learn this lesson just as I pray I have learnt the lesson to make decisions with a focus on keeping my food clean as a priority. And this doesn't simply mean the food that I eat but the time as well.
Then the other great lesson is the ability to take responsibility, not manipulate the truth and through the honesty take the consequences willingly. At this point I have agreed to use some quiet time to really think about this situation. I think right now that I've become aware of a lot through the experience. Actually in writing I think I could be given the benefit of the doubt to see if I have truly become self aware and through being honest I think it has shown me a lot. I do think of my recovery as the most important thing but it just goes to show unless I remain alert and vigilant things can start to slip.
I don't know if my decision was linked with thoughts earlier in the week about wanting to be naughty. There is no conscious connection. I will keep an open mind to that though. Perhaps I wanted to sabotage the 90 days because I've been afraid of the 90 days ending and what that actually means. I enjoy my daily calls with my sponsor and committing my food to her. I don't want that to alter and she said that it wouldn't for the time being. I'm afraid that people wanting me to share has a pressure that I'm not dealing with and also that I've made a think out of not sharing for 90 days. I think others have made more out of it than I have but I wish I had been at bigger meetings where it would have slipped by less noticeably. And I've enjoyed the fact that I haven't needed to share, instead becoming more contemplative about subjects being raised. Furthermore, it's meant that I do call out more. I've seen a lot in the quietness from sharing at meetings. I have shared often for affect. I want only to share in earnestness and for the newcomer. I think I've had some realisations about that too. What that actually means.
And in my thoughtfulness about a mental disorder, am I, aren't I bi-polar? Did I manipulate the psychiatrist to think I am? Although I didn't have that in mind when I told him my story .... he said bi-polar and borderline. I was less "proud" of the latter and chose not to tell too many people, in fact only two, ML and JH. JH seemed to turn that against me confirming my need to hide it away. I know that fits at times though. And that's a point to be made that really ads weight to my belief that diagnoses are not to be used as a label to describe. By this I think symptoms ebb and wane. So in other words I am not bi-polar all of the time, I am not borderline all of the time. Maybe the wiring is the same but the symptoms are not always present so the diagnoses need to be allowed to be flexible. And psychologically that raises the interesting point for me as to what causes the symptoms to manifest? Is it cyclical thereby meaning that it is purely genetic and will happen anyway. Or are there cues that trigger the different ways it manifests? Or are the varying symptoms within the diagnoses actually part of the same thing at all? Lots of questions and I am truly not sure how I would even go about making the deeper enquiries into this. It would require I guess a longitudinal study of various populations and neurological scans would be helpful too. But how to monitor as a person is beginning to build up to obvious symptoms. They would have to be continuously under scrutiny and then ethically this would not be appropriate.
Hmm - interesting how much I've learnt from my degree so far to be able to even think along these lines.
And this thinking led onto me driving a long, contemplating whether I have these mental disorders or not when suddenly it really dawned on me that I have a mental disorder. Whether it's labelled addiction or eating disorder or whatever, it's mental. I inform clients everyday about their mental disorder, I study it, I go to meetings and hear it but I have never truly let that sink in. I have a mental illness. The hard-wiring is skedaddled and whether that's happened at birth or along the way is neither here nor there but it would be nice to know to be able to direct the anger accordingly. But there is no knowledge so I just have anger about that. But then I know intellectually and see more and more evidence of the fact that everyone is wired imperfectly in some way. How that manifests in the functioning can be very similar. So actually is it imperfect of simply individual differences of something that is so incredibly complex and I don't just mean the hard wiring. It's all so interlinked. The wiring, the environment, the people. None of it exists without the other.
Bronfenbrenner and ?? - forgotten the name so I need to look it up now .. hold on please ... Sameroff and the transactional model of development.




But these apply ongoing in adulthood - we are always in a state of development I believe albeit at a different pace and interface.


So when it's a mental illness I have that sounds so damning and something that I interpret as meaning I am not of a mind to be able to know myself. That is so Victorian - lock em up and throw away the key. It suggests that only other can decide for me. However, that's not the case. As I discussed with Dr G, it doesn't mean I am incapable, it means that I need to do things differently to check out what is the insane thinking and what is the sound thinking. I absolutely have sound thinking but it gets muddled up. I realise that this happens for everyone but it manifests in different ways and some people seem to make it all seem plausible because they are fully functioning and my stay that way until the end of their time.
What I am seeing is that I can go beyond just getting by. I can embrace the mental illness and find out more about being human. It's infinite within the finiteness. I am probably sounding a little crazy now.
The point is that I have a mental illness that thankfully is not beyond reason. I can embrace that fact now and by so doing I can more easily call upon help rather than wonder and wander about aimlessly.



So back to yesterday. I did get to see the exhibition. I found it fascinating, more so her recent work. It was bright and somehow charming although a sinister edge to it. I overheard someone saying how sensual he thought she was and yet materials suggested she was obsessed with sex. Someone else said that she had been forced to watch her father having sex with women other than her men. I haven't read that myself so not sure of the validity. I too though got a sense of her sensual side. What do I mean by sensual. I think there is/was a real sexual woman inside of her. Maybe it was trapped in her through the events of an abusive past and the trauma's of warfare. Apparently she was directly affected by the nuclear bomb in Hiroshima. If so she lives on strongly enough it seems although now a little doddery. But yes her work is sensual too. I thought her penile sculptures were funny. Disgusting too in a way for me and what it represents. I could relate to them, penis's everywhere but like living creatures somehow, not needing a body attached to them.
This pic wasn't a part of the exhibition but sort of says it all to me. The sensual woman, sexy and capable of sex. That's me. I make myself sexual because I think I have to and even can enjoy it from a power point of view. But then looking at the penis directly, it has other meanings. It has control over it's man and over me. Hmm not quite getting the words to describe that yet. I don;t think the penis is thinking or anything quite like that but there are the sinister undertones, the power it yields over men and women removing sensitivity and reasonable actions.


This walk through mirrored room enchanted me. I want this in my life everyday. It was childlike and absolutely took me away into smiles and delight.

I didn't want to leave this room or the experience. It was moving yet still. Ooooh I want to be there right now. It's a feeling deep inside of me a sort of excitement.

These recent works really grabbed me. I was enthralled by their brightness and playfulness yet also saw something sinister, sharp teeth-like nastiness amidst all the play.




And the eyes - I draw lots of eyes. Looking out or being watched? I am not sure. I love eyes. It reminds me of the eyes in the monster hands in Pan's Labrynthe. I found that both enthralling and frightening as well.

So although the exhibition may have cost me my 90 days recovery, it was so worth going to see. Apparently Ishiguro wrote one of his novels based on her ... I need to check this out as it is just hearsay at this moment. A Pale View of Hills. It is his first novel and the themes running through it seem intriguing to me - loss, guilt and responsibility. Wikipedia says " It examines what we know, what we tell, and what we deny about the truth of our own history."
I am seeing as I learn more about myself these exact things. I have a story in me to write and would love to have the imagination Ishiguro has to tell the story away from my own personal self yet examining these very things within me. It has to come from within I would imagine to be ale to write so profoundly and at the same distanced from self.

Oh I also visited the photo journalist exhibition.

Mich Epstein. The sharp edges really attracted me. Not only this though as the powerful extremes of beauty and destruction, side by side in an image. The hurricane photo for example was absolutely beautiful yet I knew that it had been devastating. It looks like the human stuff is meant to be strewn about. And the pollution of the fumes yet looking so beguilingly formed and solid. Then the charming home garden over shadowed by giant chimneys silently in charge over later ruination in a little child that might play in that garden, innocent of the dangers as it's just there. Sinister.








Luc Delahaye - focused more on war zones such as Afghanistan and Iraq

This could almost be a holiday snap apart fromt he content of it.


Speaks for itself.

Guy Tillim
A candidate entering a stadium. Imagine the sounds and smells and I feel fear too through a throng of emoted people



He really does tell stories with his photos.

Boris Mikhailov - the Tate Modern describe having two of his important images from earlier works of his. I'm not sure which two they are referring to but this struck me.


He had many there all featuring something red which was described as him displaying how much "red" plays a part in daily Ukraine lives. It was a huge wall of photos. That to me showed everyday scenes of hardship and yes something red was in everyone sort of being a sub-them of attention focus. The harder theme was the hardship.





There were a series of these blued photos. Just little scene snapshots of endurance I thought and blueness.

And Akram Zaatari - people people people - in studios. People of Beirut ....


There were some with guns - playfully modelling with them. But again it seemed indicative of how normalised people are to having guns about the place.



So all in all a good day except that I didn't put my focus on my food. I pray to God that I take the lesson from this and can alter my focus of attention. I want to remain abstinent and that means making my food recovery the first thing I take care of and then I can be free to enjoy living life.

Thank you God and Universe for this lesson. I have certainly taken something from it.
What's the fictional story that lies beneath the reality please God?

:)


.... and finally. Much to my shame and embarrassment, I am shredding off what are for me unhealthy relationships. I have had a text friend since the end of the relationship with JH. It's been nothing more than socialising but the circumstances are not healthy for me. I feel dreadful having not done this sooner but have known it's not OK for me right from the start. Discovering that he was married and yet having sex outside of marriage and contact with other women under cover I should not have continued. But I kept telling myself it's all so innocent, there is nothing more than text flirtations. But I do not agree with this and I am party to something I don't agree with. Making friends with people is one thing but it having to be a secret suggests something else to me. I feel sad as I truly have enjoyed the contact and sharing of ideas and music. But it's not healthy for me. I am not suggesting it's unhealthy for him. Indeed it may be the very thing that keeps him and his wife together. I feel absolutely dreadful that I've put off dealing with this by ignoring recent texts etc from him and today have committed to sending an email. I need to send it before posting this because actually although I don't think he knows about my blog it is not respectful for the world to have access to information before he hears directly from me. You see this is the sort of destruction that I cause and do not want to be involved in any longer. If I meet people I want it to be above board and decent. I can get into a lot of trouble if I do not behave according to my highest morals. I easily slip into the grundge when it seems like more fun. It is sexualising feelings that I'm not even sure I'm fully aware of. Somehow it suggests and anger to me; perhaps with myself or with others.
I feel so relieved that I was honest about this with B and a couple of others.

Please God help me to send the gentlest of words but speak my truth.

Bliss
XX