Catterwalling

What a great word!

 Dr King's polite command after seriously compromising the baddies in the great Western Django Unchained. Tarantino truly is a master, time and again. He seems to have a knack for the tongue in cheek seriousness of extreme situations. His composition is gripping, the colours, the use of music, the characters and plot, the actors he selects. Yes he has something that is definitely working for me. I don't suppose everyone likes his style. I can't imagine for instance my father seeing what I see in it. I loved Samuel L's character. Did Tarantino appear? I wasn't that observant. I might have to have a re-run on the look out. Or I could Google-cheat.

Anyway I think I've had my fill of catterwalling for the time being. Yesterday I felt quite melancholy but at the same time enjoying the company of my very good friends A and M. It was an easy day. I could be how I felt and that included laughter, love and appreciation. Baby R is delightful and I asked for a cuddle. I am not great with babies so it was her privilege but really it was mine and a great honour that she sat with me wriggling and gurgling for a little while. That was enough. I am there and looking forward to being along this journey with A.

Through last week I was reaching a crescendo of my anger. It was inappropriate the way I told Auntie O and was kind of a wake up call. I'm not always in control when in anger and that's what scares me about anger I think. It's difficult to remain gracious and rational in anger. If I don't allow it though it turns inwards and I can become very low very quickly. This can result in a complete inertia. I want to stick with my commitments this weekend. All but the studying it seems. I am meeting up as arranged and even being flexible when others want to change or some time. I have been invited to many different social gatherings and that's so lovely. How lucky I am.

Friday was time with G which I loved. I think if we can date for a while and see how things develop there is hope for us. Yesterday A and M and then an evening at home, chilly but with Val Doonican and Django Unchained and FB. Bloody FB; I become addicted so quickly. Today I am lunching with A and G and R and C is joining them with her family. The gals and I are meeting for a walk with the doggies beforehand. I'm taking my food as usual.

I announced to G yesterday that I had a break between courses the other day. I am back at Day 1. I hope this doesn't mean I have to depart from the new AWOL. I am liking the UK phone number for cost reductions and also the fact its on a Thurs at 9pm. Although I have fallen asleep a fair bit. I need earlier nights and hope that will happen with G here less. We must avoid late night calls. He will have to be more responsible for his home unless this drives him to spend even more time with D. It will be his choice I suppose. It is so frustrating that his "illness" creates these choices in him. Frustrating is an understatement. And I guess others will see that in me too. I am guided to make decisions that are not entirely thought through and without historical sub conscious motives. He just doesn't want to take responsibility for certain things. And that means he chooses ways that are not conducive to us having a future together. And yet I love him I realise. Bloody hell. It is a dilemma.

Anyway tomorrow I have plans to meet L for lunch and then suggested to G I meet up with him on the way back home. He keeps mockingly saying "when I allowed back to your place". I have set the rule though. I want to talk to him about my needs. I need some space and time. I do not want smoking in my flat and I'd prefer if when we're together he didn't spend quite as much time on his gadget - the new phone! It's been tedious but he's learnt it I'll give him that. And now he's bored of it wanting the next model with better facilities. Gosh! He's such an addict ha ha ha. Says I addicted to technology in my own way too.

I started to talk about my mum but felt so tearful and yesterday I just didn't want to be outwardly tearful. I feel more contemplative. And that's okay.

I need to tell G this morning in our sponsor call that I'd like to date G. I don't want her telling me not to and will say that this is a choice. It is an up and down relationship and I do have misgivings about the way he is. But I also love him. And perhaps this is the only way I can discover. Perhaps this is the process itself. Can she go along with me on this? I am teetering on leaving FA again. It's just so unforgiving in so many ways. And yet I don't want to. If I have to leave the AWOL I will reconsider my position. But those that have left I hear how the food starts to take over again ad to be honest I really enjoy the freedom from food that I have. I just think there is no flexibility and sometimes there can be. But I suppose there is the fact that I did take things into my own control - self-will run riot again. And if there are no consequences perhaps I don't learn to prioritise. However, if I didn't know it seems like a harsh punishment to me. There is no give at all. Okay, I will take the "punishment" but not happily and with a deflated feel to go with it.

 

Oh my gosh! I need to go an get showered, prepare my meal and speak with G all by 10 and its 9:07. I'm so not in a hurry with anything. I have writing and creative things occurring in my thoughts and less doing. I haven't had my quiet time wither. I will do that at some time today. I really do value it.

And I did see Tarantino - without having to cheat. I just hadn't seen it all the way through. DOH!

 

 

 

Cast Jamie Foxx Kerry Washington Leonardo DiCaprio Walton Goggins Christoph Waltz Samuel L. Jackson Don Johnson

Directors Quentin Tarantino

Screenwriters Quentin Tarantino Bliss xx

You either love it or hate it.

Well day zero came and went. I watched the flipping opening ceremony. Actually I had it organised that I collected Lady Lou after the meeting having worked later due to being alone and matters arising that needed sorting. So dinner at work, straight to AA and snoozed off and on, rudely. Then to the B's and watched the entire thing until after 1am. Then home and not sleeping properly until about 2:30am. Poo. So this afternoon I am salty-eyed tired.
It was not terribly enthralling. A lot of the time I thought it was just a big shambolic musical. There were messages there, sometimes subtle, sometimes obvious. But things like the display for the NHS. Well if only they were investing in the NHS in the way they were celebrating it. Maybe that was a subtle hint from Danny Boyle. His name is certainly top of the list now. I wonder if there is anyone in the UK who no longer knows who he is? I guess that's done wonders for him in many ways.
As they say anything he did wasn't going to please many. So far the few people I've spoken with haven't had anything wonderful to say about it. I don't know what I imagined but that wasn't it.
It was thrilling to see Team GB stride out though. They looked so excited. What a great thing, to be taking part in representing your country in the country it's taking place. A wonderful experience.
The German minister whoever he was seemed to be Sieg Heiling (the arm signalling is what I mean but don't know the name of it) as the German team went by. I thought it very odd and inappropriate. Is this the way they still salute each other in Germany? I wonder if anyone else noticed. I must remember to ask.
Anyway, today that's done and dusted and I can retreat into oblivion from the Olympics for the weekend. It was amusing when Dr D and I were talking about not being engaged with teh Olympics and also similarly not liking Christmas. This coincided with someone talking about Marmite and either loving or hating it. I likened it to Christmas at which point C said she hated it but liked Christmas, and the Olympics. So in a quick mini survey we saw a correlation: Not linking Christmas, the Jubilee and the Olympic hype but loving Marmite and vice versa. We chuckled. So far we had a 100 per cent correlation.
The week has been lovely i the sense that PD, SH and I have been just getting on with everything. We know each other and know that we are all covered. But it's more than that. We synchronise our ways of working. There is room for individuality but also similarity. There is respect for each others skills and weaknesses. There is knowledge that we are all heading in the same direction. We respect one and other. There is organisation with what we are doing. Everyone knows where they stand. We will cover for each other without fretting.
I did feel reverberating fears and control. Amazing how powerful I can make a person. It's not dissimilar to my dad. In fact there are times when she has the voice of my dad in my head. Nothing but disdain for me and totally controlling. Gosh it's hard thinking of her returning and how soon it will be miserable once again.
However the wonderful news is that PD is getting more prepared to launch his new venture and he is talking more solidly about me joining him. We talked about salary and leave and getting accredited (which I am not sitting and completing at this very moment as I planned to do). It seems more certain even though it will depend on him getting the correct operating licence for the premises. He suggests all will be ready for me start either the beginning of Dec or Jan. Wow I am so relieved and also very excited. I just know we will have a good time as well as working hard to put everything into successful motion. I have a lot of faith in PD and oddly enough if it doesn't work I have faith that I will be OK. Now why don;t I have that from this situation now.
What is essential is that I leave on good terms with my employers. It would be good if that included L but I don't want to be a pain for F or others int eh company. I like the people within the company and want to make myself available to help out if necessary. I will need to word this very carefully. I think I would want to talk to F prior to talking to L and ? Oh blimey, what's his name? I think I'm having an increasing amount of memory blanks. What the hell is his name? N. Of course.
I would probably need a months notice but would offer longer and even could help out sessionally beyond that with Saturdays until Jan when my studies start in earnest. I am starting in September actually but it's a much shorter course and only 1 essay assignment. Thankfully no exam either.
It's been great catching up with fellowship folks. Little by little getting back into the routine of calling people and chatting about FA.
I put on my jeans this morning and they fit. They are no longer loose. I am glad on the healthy thinking side but I feel bloated and uncomfortable. This is as a result of now eating 6oz of grain per meal. I feel as if I am piling on size and weight. I am worried about this of course. I feel full after meals, uncomfortably so. I hope that when I've put on some weight and size then things can reduce again. It's not easy with an anorexic head though to determine if it's anorexia talking. So thank you God I totally trust the process. Even though my thinking is saying that my sponsor will say "let's stick as you are for the next week and see what happens." I DON'T WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!!! I want to have gained a little and then remove the extra grain amounts. It's a lot of bloody food I eat in a day. My lunch boxes are full to the brim lunch and dinner.
Breakfast
1oz oats
8oz fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit of 6oz berries

Lunch
4oz protein
6oz 1 variety of cooked veg
6oz mixed salad
6oz grain or potato
1 tablespoon dressing (1/2 oil 1/2 balsamic vinegar
6oz fat free yoghurt
1 piece of fruit or 6oz fruit

Dinner
4oz protein
6oz 1 variety of cooked veg
6oz mixed salad
6oz grain or potato
1 tablespoon dressing (1/2 oil 1/2 balsamic vinegar
1 piece of fruit

You try it. And this is the maintenance. I got down to 119.7. Which seems a long way beneath the lower end of the scale but in fact it's only 0.3oz. Eating as I am I don't feel so skinny. I was truly liking the feeling.

I had planned to get a new battery fitted in my watch but forgot to take it when I went food shopping. Anyway, I had been so late getting out of the door as a result of lots of phone calls and also my tiredness taking away any desire to move. Similarly this afternoon. It's lovely having a day out kinda day. I just do that every Saturday and really it's the only full day I have now as on Sunday I am part of the AWOL at 12:00 noon. It is a great time for it o the one hand and a bloody nuisance on the other hand.

I really need a hot drink and want a Tea Pigs Peppermint and Liquorice tea. However the liquorice is sweet and I wonder if it might be a trigger. However I will have another as I want it. Sometimes, someone said in a meeting, we have to be strong enough to say no to an idea before doing what's required and gradually coming together as one with all the underlying matters as well. Trust development. After all with a hidden mother she would not protect, not even comfort.

"Oh my gosh! The sudden realisation, that I am the eldest of the three of us. Therefore the story they are telling about adoption and stealing the baby back is probably about me! Unless they had to give the baby back and they don't ever talk about that bit."  Could this be a good opening of a fictional story?

Chats with A have been nice this week. He has had some personal matters, not to mention a gratefully received increase in time because the admissions aren't coming in almost 24/7. The director of course needs full beds all of the time. But for all of us workers it's impossible to work at that pace and pressure. But A has some worries and I guess that's meant he wanted some time to talk them through. It must be so difficult being so far from home and family and friends and dealing with life matters alone. I hope I can offer a friendly ear. He has very kindly invited me to his home when he returns to Hungary. I am sure people wonder about us but they don't know he's gay. It's lovely to have a safe friendship with a man.
I am so sorry for his hurt. He's been so committed to this relationship and been earnest with it too. I relate to that so much. Giving of myself completely and then feeling so disappointed. And then I would act out, usually seeking another male outlet. This is what A seems to be doing too.
The thing is that it affects my equilibrium and my esteem. I feel guilty and ashamed. And disgusted with myself too.

I've been watching the latest series of Wallander,. Recommended by so many people for some reason I didn't get to see any of the series, English or Swedish. To be honest it may have been one of the first but it's all very familiar territory. I like Engregages because there was something quite different about it. A view of the way the legal system works, characters developed and the murder stories a way to expose all these other elements. This set of story lines seems a way to show his difficulty with his life. I guess I've missed the character development over the other series.

So what a dozy day. Phone calls. Lovely connections with people and then a stroll with Lady Lou then the supermarket and then lunch then a doze and then dinner and get ready for the meeting, with Wallander playing in the background. It doesn't hold my attention for some reason.
I haven't flipping well even opened the things for the accreditation. I have had some ideas for it though.

I've dressed for the meeting. Why? Just fancied wearing something a little bit dressier. And also just to be a little more attractive. What for or for whom? No one. Not attracted to anyone. Really? Well no not actually attracted but wanting to attract. Know what I mean? Wish I didn't feel I needed to. So instead lets turn this around and say that I wanted to dress just to use some of the clothes I rarely get to wear these days and I tend to choose to wear jeans. It's warm now so maybe I'll put on the long dress after all. Yes.

Bliss
XX

The Slug and Bill

Well home eventually but not until nearly 22:00. Why?
A walk around Abergavenny, which already seems an age ago. You know that feeling of surprise that one moment I was there and now I'm here and there is already in the past yet fresh experience?
SO we visited the church, the indoor market and then teas and coffees at The Angel Hotel. T warned us as we arrived that she had ordered flour and sugar - scone with cream and jam. I am so glad that M had been confused about what T was doing about her abstinence. I have held from gossipping or talking about things that are none of my business to discuss.
After the Angel we drove to the castle. Splendid ruins. We had lunch sitting out in the grounds ad although cold it was nice to not be eating in the car in a car park.
We then walked around the castle museum. It was fascinating. An entire shop had been pulled apart not so long ago and resurrected as a display in the museum. What a thing to keep. M was chatting with a very good looking man on and off. I made a comment about the low fling planes questioning whether they were still allowed and apparently this was still a low flying zone. The good looking man responded to my comment of what a pity saying they have to practise somewhere. I think he may have been RAF. He didn't really speak to me again after that, anyway he seemed interested in M.
The father, was so interesting. Born and bred there. Born on one of the hills (on a farm) and then had lived for his life to date in Pantygelli where we had been staying. He added to the stories about the Smiths. He spoke of old Mr Smith dying having heard a noise out amongst the animals he went off to investigate. His wife was concerned when he didn't return, and then still didn't return and still longer had not returned. On exploring she found him dead in the field having had a heart attack. He hushed his mouth, he said no more. There is mystery around this story, hinted at strongly by his comment of there are many tales about the Smiths. A few years later old Mrs Smith went to Canada with her sister, visiting relatives. They were in a car crash, killed outright. And although he didn't say as much he commented on the current Smiths and all their kids. I think he was hinting at the "curse" on the household. I will write more about this.
Anyway eventually we set off from the castle, leaving Abergavenny behind us. What a great time we have had. I commented on having really found it easy being with T and M. We discussed how we have got along with each other and noticing our differences. I have a feeling M finds it less easy to get along with people's differences. It's only an opinion. I could be wrong but she commented on knowing why she can not live with anybody. What I tend to do is take on her difficulty as criticism of me. She made a couple of comments about me that I think are perfectly valid but there are other things that I feel OK with about myself. Those are things she is picking out and not necessarily because I am wrong.
I was struggling to work out timings for dinner. Having decided to eat out for our evening meal I was realising that we would be far too early based on the idea that M wanted to keep rolling really to get home before it's dark. So I suggested we might go for coffee/tea at Thornbury Castle. I remember how much my mum loved it when she and dad went for a weekend there. What a very beautiful Castle. A wedding was taking place, and that contributed to the afternoon tea being completely booked out - no room at the inn. So we used the toilet facilities and left having a cuppa in a very mediocre place in Thornbury itself. Then we stopped at the pub I had planned in Collingbourne Kingston.
Please no on ever go there. It was dreadful. The food was less than mediocre, in fact generally it was very poor cuisine. Only £9.95 for a poached salmon salad. My salmon was pretty dry. The courgettes seasonal vegetable side order were greasy and barely tasted of courgettes. The other seasonal veg was red cabbage. Wow! Stingy seasonal vegetables side order. And not a selection at all. But the slug was alive and well when I saw it crawling across my plate. Eeeek! I feel sick even thinking of it. So the pub to avoid is the Barleycorn. Not really because of the slug but for the way in which the matter was handled and the general terrible service, the slovenly approach by untrained staff (poor them, left to front the difficult situation I am about to describe), an angry and nasty Chef/manager and his wife who completely left us unacknowledged, not even an apology and continued to let the youngsters deal with the situation. M and T said their food was not good. Now without the slug event what does one do about this? When the food is mediocre and that's their standard what should one do about not good food?
Anyway, when I spotted said slug my first reaction was to try and remove it without anyone noticing. Why on earth ...? I felt embarrassed that this was happening to me. I wanted to surreptitiously remove the evidence without anyone noticing so that they would not be affected or would be thinking badly of me for having the slug on my plate. It would be something they could ridicule me about when already I was feeling dreadful about the experience of a crawling slug from food I had been eating my way thought. How disgusting. I gave the young waiter my plate and the slug. Of course the mood deepened on the table, and this after M and T had been having a long discussion about T's state of mind and attitude etc. I had dozed off so awoke to hear the last few miles of this situation. T seemed down but the slug slide brought the entire atmosphere to a big low. M could barely eat more of her food despite saying tat the burger part tasted good. There rest was not good. Although the chips looked lovely she and T said they were awful, greasy. Matching the courgettes. And the fish T had ordered she aid was tasteless. When the waiter came to the table I asked her to speak to the manager as ot only was I not prepared to pay for my meal which had already been knocked off the bill, I suggested that she might speak with the manager as were entirely dissatisfied and asked for the manager to compensate us. Well he didn't come out for ages. Of course he was busy with a "fine dining" evening. What a load of rubbish food they would be served up. Tat pub used to be so good, good home cooing. Now? So frustrating. When eventually the manager did appear I stated y thoughts and feelings very calmly and his attitude was diabolical. His sorry was followed with a but and a justification for the salad. He said that it is washed as soon as it arrives or something to that effect. He didn't mean sorry at all and that was the first trigger for rising anger. Then without any further apology he said he wasn't prepared to do anything about the cost of the other two meals. His dogmatic attitude fuelled the simmering anger. I was not seething but in my frustration at the injustice I felt my anger levels rise. To begin with I was argumentative . Then he kept talking over me so I shouted "please let me finish". I think he was aware that I could cause a louder scene in his pub that none of us had so far done. He said that he wanted a name and address to take us to the small claims court if we didn't pay. None of us had ID with our address on. The young waiter asked how we had got there which made no sense to me and so I asked what difference it made how I got there based on with or without ID.There was no follow up on this. M suggested we simply leave. But outside I said look I am not prepared to be taken to the small claims court win or lose. And if we just drove off they would take the licence plate of the car and no doubt we'd be stopped down the road. The chef/manager popped his head around the door saying that if we left without leaving any details it would be theft. Oh! How flipping frustrating this horrible man who had been a party to the mood of our day being flattened, me feeling sick an the others not being able enjoy their meal with worry, being a complete and utter imbecile. Goodwill is so important to nurture and whatever happened to the customer being right. We returned to pay with cash as none of us were prepared to leave our details. I am interested in how once again I was fighting for what I considered to be the underdogs, M and T. And it was my meal that had the slug and had been deducted off the bill. The slug and bill.
I'm tired now so will continue with this horrid saga tomorrow.
Night

Bliss
XX

Was it really that bad?

Putting down food has been so far a remarkable journey. And I thought it was all about body image, for instance weight and size. Or about control, either lack of control and greed or total control and starvation and the use of laxatives. I never really did vomit. But I caned the laxatives. When I discovered them I thought I had found the "answer to all my prayers" as they say around the rooms of AA. I could eat and then the food could be disposed of rapidly. And I mean really at high speed. I found them in my mum's cupboard. I can remember the packet. They've changed the packaging these days and even changed the ingredients, if that's the correct term. It sounds too "foody" maybe, as if they are made of nice combinations when I use the word ingredients. Chemical components perhaps makes it sound more medicinal.  I was using them for something beyond medicinal. The packaging was red and white and long. The pills themselves looked like large red Smarties and had a sweet tasting coating. How old was I? Maybe mid to late teens. My dad and I were going to lakeside, a show my mum had acquired tickets for. It was a man hypnotising the audience. I remember how thrilled and excited my mum was that SE had been so easily hypnotised and how funny it had been. I really wanted to be susceptible but I wasn't. I also recall worrying that people would think I was out with this man and they wouldn't realise he was my dad. I was in a stage of being a yon g woman and wanting to look that part and yet there was this vile relationship with my dad that sickens me now. It was all unsaid. And I didn't want to be looking too provocative with him beside me. This makes the corners of my mouth screw up in discomfort as I'm writing it. It was all inappropriate but also so subtle that it can seem ridiculous of me to be thinking all these sordid, twisted things, as if it was me and my fault all along. I was 17 or 18 now I must have been as SE must have been living and working with my mum, it could even have been later as SE had briefly worked for BA and then somehow got involved with my mum. I hated that she moved into my bedroom and there was a definite link between SE and my mum. My mum did become very close with people that were around my age of similar. I didn't mind so much as it kept her off my back in some ways, which as I was actively involved in behaviours I thought she would disapprove of me, was convenient. You see it's always got to be on my terms. When needy I wanted her 100% and when I was off gallivanting and up to no good, I didn't appreciate her attention and fuss. I think they were her me replacement as I was getting more distant in some ways. I would get very jealous though and reclaim her. I wanted all of her attention. In later years I think I was far more confident that she was there for me in her way.  My mum was away travelling somewhere ("again!", she says resentfully yet also with delight for my mum's sake. I have such a mix of feelings with my mum. I can feel sad, lonely and angry for me but this immediately negated when I think of my mum being happy and wanting her to be OK and enjoying herself). I discovered these laxatives and took a couple. This meant that after I'd eaten the food was disposed of and I felt thin. It felt a if my tummy became concave and there was the wonderful feeling of emptiness. So I'd had the joy of the tastes, anything I wanted as it became and then the glory of being emptied afterwards. The problem was that very soon I needed more than two laxatives and my mum's were all gone before she returned. No one ever noticed or said anything to enquire where the laxatives were. I used to think that my parents really didn't know what was in the house with things like this. I would quietly take things and it would all go by unnoticed or so I thought. I got the impression somehow that I could get away with it. This escalated when I "borrowed" things more often from other people and didn't return their things hoping that they'd forgotten. They too rarely said anything. I did steal things as well. Eek, it's so uncomfortable taking ownership of these things. I was one helluva a mixed up kid which went into adolescence and adult years/. I still smart at the time  stole ML's jeans and also the raincoat from school. I knew I was stealing and then hiding the goods. After ML returned to Paris I boldly wore her jeans until my mum noticed. She never did question me, not really but I know she was suspicious. I'd never her seen that look at me before, almost in suspicious disbelief. What is the word for that, there must be a single word that describes that look as we have such a wonderfully, colourful vocabulary.
Looking in the Thesaurus doesn't always work. How do people learn new words like this?
Sorry, I keep digressing from the main point, a little like Ronnie Corbett, but that's another story entirely. There I go again. Gosh I can remember how my mum laughed at these two. My dad too. But my mum would repeatedly laugh about little Ronnie's dancing legs. That tickled her.
What was the point I was writing about? Oh yes, perhaps I need to unwind backwards as I have digressed far from starting point. So to tell a little more about the laxatives. I think the start of taking the laxatives was like a very fine silk veil falling softly over me, almost unnoticed apart from what seemed like the benefits of being able to eat and knowing that I could keep control of my weight. Have my cake and eat it sort of thing. I used laxatives off and on from then. Sometimes more off than on for lengthy periods. Mainly in the beginning the use of laxatives worked as a bridge between overeating to get me into starvation. It worked because I'd start to feel thinner immediately and so I'd gain control over the eating, reducing and reducing intake. It's as if the feeling of emptiness was so, so wonderful that I could sustain it easier with every day. And of course I could then sustain that in reality for only a limited period of time before the food intake would start creeping up. But to begin with I wouldn't put on any weight or only very gradually. It gave a false sense of security that I could eat and stay thin. How I envied those types that were stick thin and fragile, bony looking types who cold look quite pathetic in the cold. Do you know the sort I mean? But I loved that look, there seemed something helpless about them that needed looking after. And people did seem to or maybe that was in my imagination. I wanted to be a little girl that people attended to. I wonder if that is connected with the absence of my mum from quite young. I can't quite remember how young I was but have a feeling it was from about 7 and 1/2 when we first moved to Farnham, 1977. I seem to recall my mum working part time for a while but soon got into the longer days. I would come home from school and she would leave a tray of things for me to eat. I also know that it wasn't long before I'd root around for more fodder. I think it was loneliness and boredom. But again I wanted my mum to be happy and she seemed so happy being at work. She was a somebody and she thrived on that. I can see that.
So the veil landed in the use of food to feed the emptiness in the house and absence of my mum. Then the laxatives fulfilled the need to be slim because after all my mum was always dieting and my dad was unpleasant about size. It was particularly difficult as I was going into late teenage years and changing shape. This coincided with my dad noticing my different shapes evident by his derogatory comments, his inappropriate sexual attention of course, and disparaging remarks towards my mum or anyone overweight. I should mention that he also has had a problem with his weight, shape and size, so I've no doubt today that his issues were more with himself but turned outwards and projected on to everyone else. However, understanding that does not make it forgivable especially as he has never before considered he may be the problem. Well I say that with the memory of saying "it's all my fault" when I was in the P Hospital. And also telling me at various stages of my life that he should never have had children. I have internalised that as him not wanting me specifically. I have learnt that it's not personal but of course it lands personally because he doesn't know how not to make it personal. He does not have that self awareness or discipline.
I'd love to be writing this as a piece of fictional literature, turning into a fascinating web of fictional story telling. But I think it;s just a need to empty myself of all of these thoughts and memories.
I am still not back to the main points but wish to continue with the realisations I am having regarding laxatives. I have sort of flash memories only of the progression of my use of laxatives. I recall when living with AV in Ealing I was using laxatives heavily. He enjoyed photography and was taking some photos of me in a very, very short leather skirt that I could only wear when very thin. It was not only short but tight fitting and I thought it was essential to be able to see my hip bones through the leather. The shoot was of the skirt and my legs in stockings and wearing very high heels, inspired by Tina Turners album cover. What is the album name?  Ah of course, Private Dancer. I was using a lot of laxatives by this time. I mean strips and strips per day. I think there were 16 pills or more to a strip. Anyway whilst he was taking photos, a pain that had been niggling in my back to the side became excruciating. I thought I was dying it was so bad. I can still recall the pain today which I find fascinating that physical pain can still be remembered. Especially when reference is made regularly to the fact that women tend to forget the pain of childbirth. Anyhow, AV rushed me to A&E. Oh my gosh I remember them asking me if I was pregnant. I wasn't entirely sure and hoped not so when they asked and I thought the x-ray could be a way for any pregnancy to abort, I said "no". They x-rayed me and I recall seeing them looking at my x-ray pointing, thinking they could see a baby. Anyway, the pain was a kidney stone. They said they had no idea how I had a kidney stone but I truly felt deep within me, something intuitive, that it was linked with my use of laxatives. I have a firm belief about that. But of course I often don't trust instincts because I also am so uncertainty hat my thoughts, memories and feelings are real. Which is a point I wanted to write about. But to finish the story of the laxatives. I remember sitting on a paper mache potty on a table with a gauze over the op. They wanted me to pass water because apparently the stone was on the move, hence the agony I was in. These must be muddled memories because it surely couldn't be that simple that I went to the toilet, they caught the stone, the pain diminished and all was well. Apart from cystitis which they attributed to the stone and a kidney infection caused by the stone grazing my kidney. That's how I remember it. I wonder if that's how and what it was actually? Oh I think I remember this hospital bed with the potty on top and me on top of the potty also being in a sort of passing way for doctors and nurses, albeit a curtain was around me. I could see them walking by so they could surely see me perched there.
Another occasion of which I am deeply disgusted involved the very peculiar but regular as clockwork overnighting weekends with DG. I travelled from my annexe at my parents to DG's mother and step-father's, the gorgeous S & T. S would regularly comment about the need for extra toilet rolls as I would be there. I spent so much time in the toilet as there were always sumptuous meals, especially apple pies and custard etc. Of course, laxatives work to a point or so I believe. They can rid of the food but I hated the idea that the quantities with which I ate meant that sugar and carbs would be seeping into my system because there were so many. I took more and more laxatives to try and counter that possibility. I think my weight did increase. Anyway, DG and I would sleep on the settee. That's where he slept. It was a very tortuous relationship. He was pretty damned cold all of the time. We had sex on that settee, the settee where the parents would be sitting the following day. I had used so many laxatives and knew that I was waiting for the emptying but couldn't tell him of course. It was always secret!! But during sex suddenly the release occurred. Oh my gosh, it was embarrassing. I can't tell you how I just wanted the ground to open. And he was desperately clearing up with me because of his worry about his parents hone. Oh wow this is such a horrible memory. It's so horrible I am slightly detached from it, writing it as fact more than emotionally.
There had already been increasingly occasions when I was living in Aylesbury, in my lovely little flat, that I was losing the ability to time the feeling of the emptying approaching and getting to the toilet. And there is an interesting connection, I loved that feeling as it approached emptying time. It was painful and the holding in was all a part of the pleasant yet uncomfortable feeling. And there are parallels of this when I was little. I never wanted to release the "poos". I wold hold on and hold on liking the pain. This resulted in a lot of soiled knickers for which I was told off regularly but never did anything to change it. Neither did anyone ever try to understand the problem. It was a problem and I make links of this with sexual behaviours with my dad. I have no clear link but something coincides.
So the veil handed landed but it wasn't think enough, so more and more laxative veils kept landing as the use augmented. But it wasn't enough. And of course alcohol and drugs helped with the other very potent layer of men and sexual relationships. I was so terribly shy not to mention lacking in any belief that I was attractive or would be attractive to me. If a man paid me any attention at all I was so grateful I gave of myself utterly. He could possess me. But of course, after a period of time the control I had given over became a prison to me and eventually I would start emerging in the shape of rebellion and the desperate need to escape. Relationships after relationship went this way. even right up until the most recent one with JH and all the complete handing over of self. But I couldn't deal with the mistrust, which was also inevitable. How could a man playing such games be entirely trustworthy. I do not blame him at all or hold any resentment anymore. There is in me a "need" like a child for him to love me, like the daughter in me wanting him to think I am a good girl and he will love me after all. There is still the "fucked upness" over the role play and the neediness confused with love and adoration. I will not enter that game for today. This is relevant as he plans a visit to the UK in August, luckily with his kids. I am tempted to suggest we meet but know that it is not healthy for me. The irregular contact has tinges of something for me and continue heartache that he doesn't declare his love for me. It is so similar to my dad situation. An abusive situation with both and yet wanting, wanting their approval and love. Grr at me for being so messed up. I'm not suggesting JH is an abuser or not. No, no I am not making judgement on that. It is me that creates this in me and people fit the role.
It's 10:00 and I need to get on with some cleaning but I still haven't got to the point I wanted to write about. I will get a drink and return to write until 10:30 max.
OK. The kettle is filled with water and switched on to work it's way to boiling the water. Or the short version of that is the kettle is on.
I think I'm ready. That statement in itself maybe something relevant in that I needed to clear the way to start expressing recent revelations. It's true really because as the food is no longer being used, laxatives and alcohol and drugs went some time ago. And actually acting out with men stopped 2 years ago. And with all of that clarity is stirring me from all directions. Everyday is now the lessons that i was ignoring before. I am a late started as a result. Probably things I would have been learning about myself in my late teens and early twenties and so on.
What I am aware of is this need to feel vindicated. But I'm not sure that is entirely the process. Let me try and explain using the situation from yesterday. Well it started a few days ago, although overall it really started in January but hey that would just one big winding journey and I've touched on snippets of it through the year to date. L has been in a bad mood for a few days. To quantify that, a worse mood. She was picking on me over the preceding days but yesterday both S and I were in for it. Nothing we can do is right at the moment. I'm on holiday from work now for a week. So it helps to download this here and leave it behind as I set off with my friends tomorrow morning. Anyway, all sorts of things were going wrong for her. Finally, she realises she needs to let go of the clinical work and get on with the more managerial tasks she is being delegated. It must be horrid as she is getting further away from what she actually wants to do. One of the reasons I didn't want to do that job. She ha been determined to both and working late as a result. I am pretty certain she gets resentful that Sh and I generally get out of the door as close as we can to the end of our paid hours. After all it's hardly as if we a re rewarded or thanked by the P. Not a good company to work for. I have no shame in writing that in my personal writings. I would not advertise it by speaking broadly but if people come across this so be it. It's the truth. They pay us a wage. It's barely covering my bills but partly that's my choice for living so far from my work place, petrol costs are high. However, we have not had pay increases and sickness is deducted. They have generously given me a study day per month. Not something they have to do when all training is cut. Only special applications will be considered and not many of those. So all in all there is little investment in staff except to get on with a high work load which has been increasing under L's overwork ethic.
So yesterday S and I covered the clinical work. This was amazing that she was letting go. However, we returned to the office and she was despairing. She has so much on. A few time during the year I've mentioned this or that that might need doing only to be battered. Gradually I learnt to step back. Letting go of my need to control. Instead I've been learning and practising little by little to observe. And now it's turning crazy. She was very stressed and whilst I was sitting with my back to her on the computer she said in a funnyish tone that she wanted to throw something and then said "this!" as she violently threw a metal stapler against the cupboard door right next to me. It made such a loud bang. It was frightening. S made a comment about feeling frightened. I was remarkably calm. Am I just so used to such outbursts. I must say there are many similarities with my dad. Anyway, this is the situation. S said it was out of order and wanted to leave the office. S said she needed to calm and get a grip. She had previously been crying and wasn't wanting to take any action to change things in herself. All she could do was continue to say how bad everything was (don't I know I do that myself??). Sounds familiar to me. I asked what she wanted to do and she could only say what she wanted to change outside of her. Hence I had got on with the computer stuff. Everything is a rush so we have little time to process anything that is going on within the office dynamics. That's when the stapler flew. She wouldn't even take a momentary break just to level herself. Not my business.
The point of this for me is that I noticed her sort of funnyish tone. But the action wasn't funny. So I minimised the reality of what happened and yet slowly was aware that it had been a very violent and dangerous thing to do. Nothing untoward happened but that's not really the point is it? I am not sure. But then it was also an example to express dramatically to make people that I speak to realise how extreme things can be. I still don't really know if it's really that bad or not. IN my mind I've normalised it and yet dramatised it all int he same breath. Can that happen? What is this that happens? And yet the drama bit of the situation and within me is the part that says to everyone "See? I'm not crazy and over dramatising". Similarly, with my dad I think everyone will think it's just me being over dramatic and nothing is really that bad. I think everything from younger years was minimised and subdued. I was subdued by them. My dad would do things and never, ever mention it again. My mum would always say it's never as bad as I thought. Oh not about my dad, I don't think she could have known. I really don't actually.
So what is this process I go through of not trusting my own self and not even reacting to somethings until afterwards. It's a part of this suppressing within me. At the time it's not bad and then afterwards it hits me full impact. Same with deaths. At the time I think it's like a traumatised shock, little reaction and then afterwards dramatised fall out. Is that what's happening, a sort of shut down?
But then this is used to get people to see me and see the situation. It's all peculiar.
So realising this doesn't mean I've hit upon the answer. It's a little surprising realisation and to be observed in itself. So this is the way I am. No judgement, goo or bad. It i itself could be me looking for vindication that I am "fucked up". I already know that but it's like I want everyone to know it too. Why? There is nothing more anyone can do. I simply want to be seen for the way I am I suppose.

OK well it's way beyond 10:30, it's nearly 11:00 and little is achieved apart from a cleaned bathroom and slightly cleaned kitchen. There is a lot of tidying and hoovering and shopping and then dropping Looby Lou off. She is sleeping soundly beside me. I love that as she often takes herself off alone these days. At one time she would only ever be beside me day and night. Yep! She slept with me but no more. I wonder why? IN my mind I've neglected her so much that she no longer wants to be near me. She is close with GB but after all she spends every working day there and for 3 1/2 months whilst I was in Spain she lived there 24/7. And then there are the holidays away from her. She is there more hours  than not. I love LouLou and hate seeing her getting old.
I hate that when I was man chasing I left her alone for hours. This was a period from October 1996 for maybe a month or more. Yuch! How could I have done that to her knowing she was such a me dog. It was cruelty.
I feel so sad and sorry for that and glad therefore that she feels safe and secure with GB.

Well any readers I'd be interested to know what your thoughts on my writings here....

Bliss
XX

Passion brings life struggles and thereby emotions

Our job is to monitor our emotions and continue to operate with good grace. Another choice is to desensitise and remove from struggles through addiction, through isolation, through emotional detachment, etc but with it goes any passion. These things are intrinsically linked. I want to feel passion. It brings also with it invigoration and energy, motivation to do more, experience and absorb more. All I need to do is learn acceptance and ways through the emotions as they arise. If I keep my faith then trust will carry me through any situation and any emotional response. So long as I monitor my response to my feelings. Out with reaction and in with awareness of behaviours, attitude, beliefs, motives, thinking and opinions.



Henry Ward Beecher said "No emotion, no more than a wave, can long retain it's own individual form". Quoted at the beginning of the film The Air That I Breathe by . This film was given just 2 stars by Empire. Interesting. It does seem a little cartoony but I've only just started watching it. Let's see what unfolds before making a decision. Having seen that though I am immediately influenced, so uncertain of my own judgements and wanting to appear intellectual and insightful rather than influenced by dross and lack of taste. Ha! This is funny having watched Grayson Perry's 3 part series on taste through the classes. I realised that the lower class have the most fun, wanting to be part of and samey but pretty relaxed about it and not trying to impress. It matters to me what I lie and don't like because of what other people will know about me. I think they'll see my lack of a creative mind and uneducated. Blimey! How did I ever get to be so shallow?
Until seeing that quote at the start of the film The Air That I Breathe, I had not heard of Henry. So reading his story was interesting. And even more interesting that despite being the centre of a highly publicised court case for adultery, there is no film produced about him. His life sounds worthy of more public awareness. He was heavily involved in abolitionism and a supporter for the women's suffragettes of the mid-1800's in America. A man one would think worthy of his story being told including the salubrious affair. A theologian, he advocated that sin was a temporary state of being for man and mankind, "which the love of God could burn away as a fierce noonday sun dries up a noxious mold," (Wikipedia).
So turning towards God means being loving from the heart. And then aware of my heart any sin is something I would (and do) want to address. I want to be closer with God's love for everyone and everything. This requires me being rigorously honest. Which I am not always but doing my best to correct this.
When I claim dishonesty, it could be something that on the surface appears slight and forgivable. As an example to some it may be quite acceptable to say I feel fine when in fact I am really in pain through trying to suppress specific feelings. This truly comes into action when I am particularly afraid of a person. I am unlikely to express my fear. The fear of being vulnerable stops that. For example being afraid that M will withdraw her friendship, but then to be vulnerable about that with her seems to me to be inappropriate. But instead of talking about this with others, I struggle away with it, acting out in less than honest ways. For example I was not saying when I was meeting up with other people that she knows as well. Without knowing why I felt afraid that if I did she would become upset with the situation, put the blame on me and then withdraw from me. And indeed speaking earlier today she owned how she can feel jealous and abandoned and her response is to withdraw in various ways. She described it as a childish response. It was good to hear that. I was able to speak about my apparent secrecy. I recognise now that there are many times and things I share with no one. Not out of a knowing need to deceive or keep secrets. Consciously there seems to be no need to tell anyone. My mum used to say I appear to simply take everything in my stride. I get on with things. Without passion perhaps or without showing anything at all. Because if I did then what? Would it be because I would be questioned or told not to and I want to. Perhaps it's because I don;t think anyone would be particularly interested or care? Often it just does not seem to occur to me to tell people what I'm doing or thinking. I just do things. For example. People don't know I write a Blog. Some of it I wouldn't them to read as there are inner thoughts that are part of processing and not the full and final result. People would be offended if they knew all my workings out I feel sure. Then there are things that I've done that I feel ashamed of. However, these things are the truth of me. I am imperfect and my processing is often flawed. Especially when I keep it private. I can be convincing. That's why it's better to talk things through and get others opinions or individuals meanings and intentions clarified. So I am interested in why I don't tell people things. By talking about this during the morning with K she suggested I sit back with God and thank Him for helping me to open and free with other people. "Thank you God for helping me with this" I believe this is for a good cause including feeling better with myself but also to show to others that I trust them. I think this will also show that I value them. Would it? It might help M to trust me more and I would feel better that I'm showing her how much I value her. Thank God for the creation of this awareness. I think it's probably just the start of it but it's giving me something to think about and now I need Your help to make changes.
It was lovely speaking with K this morning as well and hearing how she is praying for God to help to find compassion. This links strongly with my hope that can listen more to people. Thank you God for showing me how to have compassion and to be able to listen to people. If I can observe how things unfold then I think I step back from the emotion and that then doesn't drive the next best thing I do. If I observe I create more time to invite God into the situation or interaction. If I observe then there is time to ask God if my action is necessary, appropriate and truthful. Slowly, slowly improving.

Well Southampton are honouring my leave and study days. They have not confirmed whether I could claim a fixed monthly amount for the petrol. They are offering either OT or a change in times when the other person is away. She will check about additional 1:1's which are paid at £40 per hour rather than £35. I just can't decide whether the extra travel is worth it or not. 8am until 5pm 3 days a week and 8am until 9pm every Tuesday. God please show me what is the best thing to do here. I am off sick today so perhaps I can sit back in some quiet time and contemplate this.
If the EHDC housed me in Grayshott this would help. I have submitted the forms and trusting that being employed and earning won't affect my rent and security here but that they will also consider me favourably to relocate closer to Arford. That's what I'd like but I trust God has in store for me what is best. I do not go with the Calvinist belief, at least I think I've briefly understood this correctly, that Calvinists believe that our paths are predestined by God. I don't know why but it just seems too convenient. It does mind circles with me. Because I think that choices take us into different directions. If my relationship at home would have been different then perhaps depression and addiction would never have been triggered. However, there is a degree of predisposition within genetics. For example I do believe that the gene is there but will not necessarily be triggered. Circumstances will cue the sequence of events that will result in addiction for example. And then there is the environmental influences, such as Nixon's need for votes from the farmers and housewives contributing to fence to fence farming, resulting in a surplus of corn waste that two Japanese scientists used in the production of corn syrup, contributing to increased processed foods and resulting in addiction and obesity. Then the greed for power food industry capitalising on this and being a contributory factor in my own food addiction to sugar, flour and quantity. Nothing stands alone. It's all so very complex but also so very obvious. Interconnections that only Universal Energy can have an overview on but surely not a destiny already written?
K was talking about compassion explained through her Priest. She recounted her understanding from the Priests use of the parable about the Good Samaritan. The Priest said that Jesus uses this parable to illustrate eternal life which is what a lawyer questioned of him. K sees eternal life as serenity and peace within. Interesting as eternal life means to me the legacy that I leave behind even if it it isn't a direct quote or reference to me. The legacy I wish to leave behind is serenity and grace which means I need to work towards it myself before it can be passed on in any shape or form. Not find it but be working towards it.

The Good Samaritan by William Hogarth

According to the Priest Jesus said there are just two things the lawyer needed to do to be assured of eternal life. 1 - the love of God and 2 - the love of thy neighbour. But what does loving thy neighbour actually mean? It means to have compassion. Which interestingly is a part of what the Dalai Lama was saying. To have mutual respect for each others differences, cultural, social, beliefs, physical, spiritual or religious, educational, environmental and emotional. There could probably be more. The Dalai Lama was also saying this means to have compassion for the different struggles and how these manifest through people. Struggles as we know are a sign of passion and as I suggest passion will emerge as energy through emotions and actions. Communicating openly and honestly through listening and observing will serve us/me well. So the Priest went on to explain the story of the Good Samaritan. Firstly a Priest passed by the man in need. But he was on his way to a important destination. He had spent a week being cleansed in preparation for this place he was heading. To stop and help would mean taking him off schedule and inconvenience him because he would have to return to the starting point to be cleansed. Yes he would be too greatly inconvenienced to be able to stop and help. The second person passing was by was following the Priests lead. If this Holy man, a Priest could not delay his journey to help then helping was of less importance. So the second man did not help the man in need. However the third man, who was completely out of his home environment, went out of his way to help. He had compassion for this man in need despite the great cost to himself of time and money. He felt compassion in his heart and it was this that more than anything else made him want to help. I will add here that I think there is caveat to ensure that help given is actually the help wanted and needed. I think there are a lot of people who might impose their idea of help upon others. It's a form of conceit and power I think.
The thing is and as K said there are things that I really couldn't care less about. I am not really worried about such as uhhmmmmm well uhmmmm I would say world conservation t the level that I really take action. Or the plight of the film industry with piracy via the Internet escalating and seemingly beyond control. I'm aware but do I care? Not really fully but sort of. The thing is I want to care about things, people, places. This is where passion is, this is where emotions can be found. If I am not compassionate there is room for behaviours to be guided by emotions such as jealousy and fear and anger. God please help me to change my heart. SH used to say don't care was meant to care. I don't truly understand the sentence but I understand the meaning. When I don't care about something perhaps I need to take another look and find out what is really going on. I recall being in group and listening to a lady whose son had been killed in a tragic accident. Furthermore, her husband was disappearing from her with Alzheimer's. She had been so in love with this man but now she was having to watch him disappear and yet still be there. Not having had these experiences but having experienced the death of my mum I thought that I knew the experience. It was someone else who said I cannot imagine how this must be for you. I observed how this lady suddenly felt heard and understood. There was a release of emotion from her and a sudden warmth from her that at last someone cared enough to hear what it was like for her and stop telling how she needed to be. This was a lesson but not lesson enough. Please God help me to listen with respect, trying to understand what it's like for the person. Please give me the questions to ask that helps them to express so that I can understand better and they can have faith in my care - friends, family, clients, colleagues, passers-by. Please help me to have compassion and to be able to support them however seems appropriate, finding the balance between meeting their needs and not enabling their wants. Please help me to show their value from my love for them. And this way show me how to be gracious and contribute to peace. Thank you God.
Thank you God for the last call I received from S. Amazing how she actually used examples from her FA experiences to exemplify not being heard and feeling really respected and listened to. of course she had her part when a few years ago in FA she was stating her case for Ramadan. Her awareness each year has grown and she could see today how she was manipulating for the sake of the food by saying that the large feasts in the evenings were all a part of the culture but now she is seeing how she was eating differently from others. She would binge and feast whilst she sees recently that people take their plate and then wrap food up to use throughout the week. I asked her the significance of Ramadan. S explained that it was recognised within her faith that food is something that takes one away from their conscience and so this period of fasting over a month is a time to remove the obsession and indeed any other habitual behaviours such as smoking to make the room for more mindfulness and meditation. It is also a time to remember people who don't have as much or anything at all. Everyone has something even if it's inner something but I guess you'll know what I mean. I'm sure there is more to know but this was it in a nutshell. How interesting that recognition of food being the focus and the time made to remove it and change the focus. And also how striking that she should be calling to say how she felt really delighted with the response of her current sponsor. In the past she was met in her opinion with rigidity and no room for supporting her religious practises. I asked how it was different and how she felt respected and listened to. She said this sponsor asked her questions and thanked S for being so informative and helping the sponsor to understand better this time. The suggestion has been to take some quiet time. Her sponsor will talk to her sponsor and there is experience already within the rooms when people are practising the Jewish faith and Yom Kippor. There is always a solution it doesn't have to be a no! This was another level of interest for me. I am recognising a rigidity in the lineage I am with. There is no room for manoeuvre. At this time it suits me well. I know it's working and to be honest I haven't asked too many questions of it. I was surprised that I could have basil leaves within my salad and delighted to be able to too. But things like exotic fruits. Who says they are exotic? I have been fortunate enough to have worldwide fruits since a child because my mum brought them back from her travels. Now all sorts of fruits are easily accessible from supermarkets. Does this make them exotic because they are not grown here. But an apple might be exotic in another climate. Anyway it is a little niggle in the back of my mind so this was enlightening. There is recovery to be had within any situation.
Now I was really pleased to be able to speak with S and ask her questions so that I understood. I also listened to her talk about her course in which she has realised that she and her boyfriend need to talk about their long term plans and see the familiar grounds and understand where they are heading as individuals and together. I liked this. She is on a management course. I wonder how often we all sit and consider our short, mid and long term plans.
I quite easily sit here just trudging along with great ideals but  no real sense of what I want to be doing in a years time or 2 or 5 years time. I am aware that there is a short life span amongst the females in my mums family so it would be a good idea to put some focus into this - mindfulness.
So many subjects covered today just through talking and time to consider them.
And all so very connected. Mutual respect, compassion, love and peace. IN that order it seems to me as well
Thank God for bringing these messages to me to consider and thank you for helping me to put these into action.

Bliss
XX

Gripping fat

Part 2 of the men who made us fat.
We are being trapped into eating more
They realised that if they could increase the portions people would want to eat more.

64 oz of sugar - 50 teaspoons of sugar
Clever marketing persuaded us that more is good.

It is truly quantifiable to see the increase in portion sizes

This is a world of over abndance - big is best and value means more.

Britains biggest breakfast - Big Boy of Fat Boy or a kids breakfast that weights the same amount as a small boy - total weight about 15lbs - if eaten in an hour the money is given back.
2 epic failures per day
They kept getting told the fat boy wasn't big enough!!!!

This breakfast would have been unthinkable a few years ago until we got the American super sizing.

Ours is a world of food 24/7 - wherever and whenever
60 % of men and women in Britain are obese. Fat is more than the external fat - it's fat around the organs too - visceral or internal fat.
Troublesome for health.
Normal would be 2 litres of internal fat.

Who wanted us to eat bigger portions?

Downtown Chicago is where super sizing started. A man called David Wallacy in a cinema had the idea that changed the way we eat forever.
1967 Ballaban cinema chain - Wallastein super sized the popcorn. Not buying multi packets he decided to make packets bigger, charginf more of cost.
Most of the cost is in the packet so this is not much to make larger and make more profit
Sales and profits soared the super size portion was born
Head unted by MacDonalds Wallastein applied super sizes to the burger chain.
He faced opposition fro witin MacDonalds - opposing super size portion by Ray Krak.

It was a board room squabble. Wallasteins persistacne paid off and he tried out his theory in Chicago - observing behaviour int he restaurant - people tipped the packets back to get every little bit out of the packets. He decided customers wanted more but weren't oign to go bac for a second portion.
So increase the portions rather than make people go back looing gluttonous.
The new portion size was ntroduced. The customer thought it was a great deal. And they saw that more food but not as expensive as buying two - this seemed like vaalue for money.
Adding a few fries didn;t cost much but could be charged at a higher price - increase in profits.

Other fast food chanins followed suit - high in sugar and fat.
Tis new world of pletny held hidden risks. The impact on health was unknown.

Wallastein called it the salt slide - the need to get every little bit out of the packet.

One man made a discovery 1974 - Stafani was studying appetite and behaviour NYC University.
Looking for rapid weight gain in rats - told graduate to get foods they like to eat - chocolate, fat.
All of the animals started to voer eat. They started gaining weight immedidatley reaching a new level of body weight.
Sugar anf fats - rats share same biological make up as humans
They seek out high energy foods in time of plenty. If only occasionally eating no problem
But abunmdance of it makes it difficult to resist.
Toxic food probalem

Behaviour in rats would be same in humans
The food indudstry now knew what Sclefani knew.

Foods being offered in ever increasing portions sizes.

Britain this revoluiotn was still to tak off
Less than 2 % of people were obese.

A whole new way of ewating was introduced by wimpy.
People didn't need much educating -

Arrival of MCdonalds transfored the way Britain ate

Peopel could afford to eat out more -
Profit boosting - counter service - faster at serving customers and serving many more people
5-6 tmes more money taken as a result of counter service

Pressure to super size came from an unexpected quarter
The sweetheart cup company said offering larger cup sizes was a way to increase profits.
The packaging giant wanted sellers to promote super sizes as being better calue for money.
Up selling - bigger portions - everyone profitting apart from the punter.

It gave the customer a semblance of choice.

Britains weren't comfortable with up selling to being with but just a choice of 3 made it easier.
There was no sense of it being bad - no debate about it
In 7-'s there was no concern about obesity the concern was about getting enough nutrition - no a single commnt about super siing being bad - still not long after the war really

rready access to cheap food on the go. IN the 7-'s eating on the streets was considred a bad thing.
Social normas have changed as it's very usual to see people eating ont he streets

Taco Bell had the answer to the stagnating in America - the value meal
It increased the amount of calories being consumed - bundling
Bringing in a starter, a main meak, a dessert and a drink.
Increase revenue by creating these bundles as value for money

McDonalds were resistant but soon took on the idea under pressure.
It reduced customers waiting time trying to decide what they wanted.
It meant people chose quickly
every 15 seocns saved in delivering the meal to the consumer adds 1% growth to the co - £290 million profits
Customers had an incentive to buy more food - combo's -
it costs an extra quarter but charged for an extra 50c
People would eat it all because they paid for it even if they didn;t ned to eat it.
So extra french fries even when not ordered - it was all eaten

Value meals rolled out globally within 3 years accoutngin for all meals sold

Still the meals got bigger.

Wall street pressured the need for more profits
1983 - McDonalds co-marketed with Jurassic Park.
Dino sizer meals

Succesful promotion and rapidly adopted by otehr restauarant chains
Over consuming - alcohol, food, jewerly, clothes etc
It's a real problem in America

Value is good. Most people look and repect value.
It seemed like a great service for the consumer. Customer were now asked if they wanted to super size their meal.
Larger portions were later dropped blaming poor sales.

Big changes in the environment - people becing conscious of super sizing - offered at proprotionally lower cost when going large.
It seemed like value as paying relatively less and probably needing less food later.
Big gulp to double gupl + 2 litres of coca cola.
More calories than in a meal

Drink sizes got bigger - more and more sugar was being poured into the American diet.

Typical soda was 7oz -

1950's only size avail was small - double gulp is 64oz of soda now available = 80 calories and nearly 50 teaspoons of sugar

if we compensated by eating less later it wouldn't matter so much
Tis exonerated supplier about portion sizes
But this was shown not to be true.
Late 1990's Rolls a nutriotionalist showed that the increas of portions over 11 days resulted in people continuing to over eat - increasing calories and gaining weight
Most people didn;t notive the bigger portions
More eaten the more eaten
If rich in caloires energy dense foods increased the desire to eat more
ie chocolate
Huge risk of overeating when eating calorie rich oods.
More calories included in weight andn volume indpendently combine - over eating

Better value and more food - food co.s ignored these warnigns
Restauarnats and supermarkets promoting the super sizing.
Started in Britain - eating outside the home was growign
A new marketing initiation increased the calorie intake
Advertising Cadbury - created the finger of fudge being just enought to give your kids a treat
Fattening snakcs was advertised as a good thing to do
Advert - doing what super size id for America it did for chocolate bars
Yorkie bar -
A bigger bar - looking more like the bar eaten all to self.
Cadbury chunkie
Market for chunkier
Now they've gone bigger na dbiogger

Mars 100g bar. Snickers and Twix too - targetting adults

Increasing the amounts for childre was the new aim ...
Sucessful box of Cadburys fingers. how to sell more - how to gets to eat more?
Give kids the excuse to eat them - advertising creating these reasons to celebrate and eat.
This created the kids reasons to have a treat every day and at any time
The school lunch box was targetted too. Implant the thought into mums head to put the treats in the lunch box
Snakcks became a normal part of kids diet. More than 1 in 10 children were obese by the early 1980's
A growing health risk
1996 the Govt could not longer ignore the problem
Study of child obesity - startling results
Children were in a new world of eating - they spent 136 million £'s buying confectionary and soft drinkgs to and from their way to school.
Prof James urged Govt to look at the foods being eaten. Deputey chief medical of ealth - Tessa Jowel
Prof thought this was hopeful - she thanked him for the report and said it was extreme.
The food and drink federation were anxious to talk to him - cofronted with 14 chief execs and harangued for hours asking why he would think of limiting advertising when it was the patents duty to monitor children and advertisign was their right.

Minister for public health later restricted advertising - many years later
2003 - warned of an obesiry time bomb - warnings and health enquiry
People did not appreciate the power the food industry has and the challenge to get them to be responsible for what they sell to people.
Cadburys Pepsi etc defensive. They wanted to keep the responsibility with parents.
Changes were demanded - to protect public health.

Left to police itself thefood industry would not monitor it's advertising message
The food indutry argued that it was personal inactiveity that was responsible of the increasing problem of obesity
JP Morgan were concnerned about the investigation of obesity on profitability

The idea that children getting fat simply co lazy was challenged
Terry Wilkins - demonstrated that inactivety was not the main cause of obesity in children.
Assumpton is inactivity but study showed that this is not true
Fatness due to eating inappropriately reduces activity.
Some children developing type 2 diabetes - not seen before in children
Usually something people got in middle age.

1990's America reported children with this problem

Measuring their activity levels throughout the day -
Over a number of years the infomation was collected
It showed that inactivity had not changed - so why then were children becomeing so obese.
They eat a lot more and more calories
Increase in portion sizes ---
Laziness was rherefore not the problem but his findings were ignored. He lost his Govt funding.
It seems easier to deal with inactivity being the problem rather than blame the food markets making profits
8 billion 3 per year being spent on unhealthy snacks.
US and UK research showed that large portions encourgaed over eating
Intensity of research started to challenge the silence.

Pledges to reduce portion sizes started - phased out king size bars of chocolate.
Promises to take action on portion size -
but there was a catch ----
Whisper duo bar - so combinations or twn bars replaced the king size.
Yhis seemed to promote sharing - but there was no evidence to show that opening the packet meant that the other bar would be shared or saved
Sharing was the new buzz word.
Re-selable bas were insited upon
Research shows the bars just lead to eating more
Typical bag sizes were available in 5 sizes - incremental increase - family size.
As the bags got bigger the more people ate - ie crisps but people did not comensate by eating less for dinner.
Snakc times will add calories to the day.
The bag is a certain cue to eat more.
These snacks are very "moreish"

Up sizing is not just in snacks. 3/4 of food comes from big food spermarkets.
Loyalty is fiercely fouhgt
Multi buy promotions
Deals - the amount of food that can be bought cheaply is everywhere because it appears t be great value.
We are being tricked.
Go in for 1 can of coke but buy 16
1 bag of crisps but buy 16 because it's value
All the supermarkets are doing it
Super sizing is weapon in the price war.

Oringinally about shfting volume super sizing is now used as a tactical weapon for brand supremacy.
Supermarkets wold rapidly when on promotion - known as expandables.
Some are more expandable than others - the capaity to consume them is greater.
If buying more poultyr then probably buy less lamb or beef.
But snakcs that can be consumed any time anywhere - they are more conumable fewer rules or rituals
So more at home eat fthem faster.
A promotion can add 2 -6 fold increase in number of sales during a promotion lasting a couple of weeks
Supermarkets promise to healp tackle obsity problem but still offering the crips sweets choclates promotions - rose 130%
Value for moeny - buy a nuber of products at reduced amounts

They say offering healthy diets with clear labelling - ie it's a personal choice. But there is a trap that people are not aware of.

1 in 3 people are obese in America

Annual medical bill 150 billion dollars related to obseity
Sign of the severity of the problem. Free market policy now considering taxation as a remedy.
No responsibility with food market.
Yale Uni - Prof Brownell
ecery business tries to maimise the deasriablity of their products to increase sales.
Many eyars now that foods high in sugar fat and salt creating increasing health problems.
Indusrty needs to be held responsible
Demanding a tax on sales of soft drinks etc.
This would decrease consumption - and the generation of money could be used towards health costs of obesity.
A soda taz was abhorred byt the indusrty  similar to tobaccos repelling the idea.
Denmark and France now impose taxes on unhealthy foods and drinkgs
IN Britain sales are still on the rise though.

A bucket full of popcorn was the start ending in a obesity epidemic.
Bigger, sweeter ever available - the problem will continue to rise unless the world learns to curb it's conusmption of unhealthy food.

Bliss

ps excuse the typose - it's typed from dictation or from the programme actually
xx

Fellowship not food

It's remarkable how this fellowship works. Here I am typing away and wondering then S phones. She is so positive and upbeat. She shared with me how tired and grumpy she is this morning after having done her 12 hour night shift. But then her realistic gratitude. By doing this shift once a week it enables her to follow her dreams. She has the rest of the week to do the work she loves. That sounds fantastic. I must must must send the email off today to KB sating what I would like. I would like to work 33 hours a week for the same salary I'm on now at 37.5 hours. I would also like £50 per week for petrol costs which works out to be an additional £2600. This would mean that I would have Friday's off and thereby create study time and reduce costs as well as travelling time. I would also like that they continue to honour the 12 study days equating to one per month. I could take this then on Mondays and have long weekends creating study time for assignments. Would it be appropriate do you think to ask about training in family therapy. It would enhance their service delivery and improve my own skills so a win win situation.
Anyway S has recently taken on a sponsee and she asked if she could give my pone number because I have such a positive attitude when this person seems to be already kicking against the suggestions. She called. What a wonderful call, reminding me of me and sharing openly with me. She talked about wanting a particular food type and then I was able to share with her how when I wanted something specific someone had asked what I would get from that food. She said it would take the edge of things and make everything smoother. She then went onto explain her recent situation concerning work. I hear from her worry I think about work and finances. Especially as she later asked about something she had heard in a reading during the meeting. As she went on I guessed it was the Promises and read the passage with the promises from the AA Big Book. We then discussed the part were it says "Fear of people and financial insecurity will leave us". She asked me what I thought about this. I'll come back to this point because it was really lovely to hear how she found the question about what it is she is wanting from milk in her coffee and she identified taking away the edge and making things smoother. She went on herself to talk about ways in which she could do that without the milk. I was amazed when I was asked the same thing and then found the ways I could get comfort and cosiness and another time variety.
I had been wanting soup. Homemade all cosy and warming soup. It was dark and wintry as I drove home and no doubt it had been another difficult day in the office with my insecurity being once again heightened and tapped into. When I was asked what I wanted from soup I wanted to feel all cosy and safe. Instead of having soup as a result of this conversation or feeling hard done by because I couldn't have soup, I was able to wrap myself up in blankets, curl up in the settee with my hot water bottle and watch banal things on TV. I am so harsh on  myself I won't have a TV so that I cannot escape with banal. Then again by the snobbish I can display about such things it's probably a good idea. After all if it's mind dumbing and gossipy it's really not my cuppa or is it that I just don't want to engage in that sort of thing. Who knows? Anyway I found a way of not seeking what I wanted through food.
Another time I was thinking I wanted a variety of flavours and tastes. This food plan is very much about simplifying foods and minimising variety. This I found so interesting after studying an experiment, albeit using rats. but where variety actually played a part in food addiction. I must read that more thoroughly.
Oooh it's nearly AWOL time - 12:00, midday. I missed it last week even though I'm not getting the almighty and blinding light and enlightenment I think I've been expecting. I said I wasn't expecting much but I realise now that I am. When asked those sort of questions I'm never really sure and then it wouldn't occur to me to say that I'm expecting something big and flashy and wondrous. I will share about that some time with someone. Not the expectation itself but the fact that it wouldn't occur to me to say that. of course as soon as I acknowledge it I know that I need to step away from expectation, positive or negative and accept things as they are. You see this is the enlightenment I'm getting by keeping my food clean. It's simple realisations. I have a feeling with it. Moving to the feeling of this it's as if these ways of being are so light, they are mere scatterings of wispy, fluffy clouds. Just a hint of a cloud so small and diaphanous that it's barely noticeable. It barely moves and has no weight. There's a stillness, held in motionless suspension, just out of reach and even when it's grabbed up it seems to disperse and flitter out into smaller pieces and almost invisibly reconvene. These are the wispy things that actually can be motivators for more obvious sensitivities and issues.
Anyway back to E. So it was wonderful to hear her challenging her wants so early on in recovery. Just one day. Woweeeee! And I loved hearing about her very supportive boyfriend. He takes her out for meals and that of course is an issue anyway. Now they will be meeting without going out for meals and introduce a whole different way of being intimate. I think I said I'm not suggesting that's the only way you have been intimate as I didn't want to cause animosity so early on. It was a real delight talking to her. That is a step in going to any lengths - calling out.
Then the promises. How wonderful she asked and I guessed to what she was referring. And sharing my experience was really helpful to me. The fact that I reminded myself that for today I have enough and I am enough. I have fears for the future but bringing it back to this moment I am OK and trust that it will be OK in the future too. It has been thus far and things come out of nowhere.
Thank you God for taking care of me in ways I would never think of. Thank you God for helping to maintain my abstinence and not rely solely on myself. Thank you God for helping me to share my shame about my financial circumstances and be reminded that I have more than I need and the rest is simply desires. If I'm meant to have them they will come. I say that in hope that by not being demanding they will happen - like a loving, wealthy, content, spiritual, lovable, likable, boyfriend. This are not the limits of my wants God. Just in case you are working on this man for me. I am ashamed about the whole escapade two years ago. JH was a part of it but the shame is me and my part in it. I feel sad too for the me that wants and wanted to be that person. It is not so loving and yet I could dress it up as that. The denial is still there as I'm even questioning exactly what is wrong with the wanting to be enslaved as a way of being able to love and be loved. That's so not loving towards me. God would not want this for me surely. I wonder if JH would want it for his daughter? No. I'm pretty certain he would not. Or indeed for his son? Then why would I want it for me? I would not want that for my little God daughter or my bigger God daughter. I want for them to be in truly equal and loving relationships that are supportive and fun and close and intimate.
So I am a little jealous of others who are in loving relationships. It is just not my course I guess. I am getting to be comfortable with my own time. It's restful and I can bring into my life as much or as little and in my own time frame as I want and need. That is a luxury. I'm not afraid of being late for anyone or needing to share my time. I'm free.

I talked to E about the lifestyle I had and lost and my shame about my lowly income and my social housing compared with being the Business analyst and jet-setting and partying etc. She asked if it was a better life then. Well I had more things if I wanted them but to be truthful I was irresponsible and really was losing everything way back then in exchange for the partying etc. And now this is more stable, less drama. It's a more spiritual path. If I could have everything I would take it. But it seems it's not possible. I cannot eat cake and stay sane.

So writing my book that would be a helpful resource for someone else .... here it is and free for anyone to read. It's not chronological as in a way to do this perfectly but it is real experience. I will write more about the food as I thin this is crucially important.
I am soon to leave for the AWOL but very quickly ...
A couple of times I have written wrong amounts in my daily food plan. For example this morning I wrote 8oz of salad instead of 6 and 8oz rice instead of 4. My sponsor thankfully picked this out and suggested that I ask God to help me be more conscious as I am writing my food plan. It's tending to become more of a technique that a real engagement with that I will be eating for the day. This has started happening in the past few weeks. To begin with I just thought it absent-mindedness. But that absent-mindedness is really significant. I was absent-minded when I weighed out too much cheese and then chose to guess the appearance of about the right weight rather than re-weighing it. This is not consciousness of preparation in a similar way of the writing down.
What is this God? Please help me to stay vigilant and engaged.

OK AWOL call time. I'm tired so will need to really concentrate. I may nap afterwards. Well after lunch.

Bliss
XX

Prometheus

uh uhhhhh
I didn't think the film or rather this story was at all strong. And the poetic licence would have to be too much to really think this was good film. There were lots of flaws and to be honest who really cared about the majority of the characters.
Interestingly Prometheus was a Greek culture hero. He stole fire from the gos and gave it to man. He was also the one who constructed man out of clay. So of course a fitting name for the ship, carrying a bunch of misfits as space crew believing that they would discover something marvellous about the predecessors to humans.








The prequel to Alien, this story was just not strong. Some of the acting was good. Some of the events in the film were just too ridiculous. And to be honest I really didn't give  a damn who was killed ff. Only a very few of them were killed.
It seems to be that the so called forefathers bred humans to enable the alien to lay it's eggs within us. Nothing very deep was pursued at all. In fact it was all so flipping surface.

Cast:
Noomi Rapace

Michael Fassbender


Idris Elba


Guy Pearce



Logan Marshall-Green



Charlize Theron



Director Ridley Scot



So this is the prequel to Alien. Somehow it strikes me the prequels are ways of keeping something alive that has run out of development story. And this prequel doesn't seem to quite fit with the original Alien. I noticed references to certain things like the pre-humanoid getting into the big chair with the telescopic type equipment. When the space ship crashes do we assume that is was Shaw later finds. But in Alien there is no apparent knowledge from thee now supposed previous events. Shaw was the part played by Sigourney Weaver wasn't it? The storms were the same I suppose. Somehow it doesn't seem flowing to me but then again it was a long time ago I saw Alien. I watched at the Empire on Leicester Square. Wow I still remember the opening scenes of the enormous space ship passing over the screen. It was something that resonated from times of travelling along in the back of a car as a child looking up at the stars in the night sky and hearing the silence of space and slowness of time. Now I rally did think Alien was a good story and film. Number two and three were poor though for me. I didn't bother so much with those. Alien has stuck in my memory as a goodun'.
There was the flakiness of Weyland (Guy Pearce). His make up was so terribly fake and in this day an age when ageing someone is an easy process apparently. And the crashing of the spaceship was simply ridiculous. There was no real suspense.
So these pods were developed for warfare. War machines that are created. The question as to why the humanoids turned against the humans they created on Earth seems obvious to me - they wanted to create people to be fodder for the queens eggs. But it was left open. And then a token gesture which seemed insulting asking questions like the meaning of life and the creators. Yuch! Or is it meant t be superficial?
I thought the acting was OK. The Scottish lady was awful but had a small part really. The main characters acted well but I don't think they had a strong story or good script to be working with to be honest.
Oh yes and the whole impregnation thing. Was there reference to this before? And when Sigourney Weaver is becoming Alien-sided and pregnant is there any link with this pregnancy that now appears in the prequel. Am I too much of a purist and not allowing for poetic licence. To be feasible should it matter? After all it's only a film. But then to be taken seriously does the film maker not need to respect us? I think so. I think it's made as a money-spinner and not for the creative wonder. 3D is the experiment really and less about the credibility of the story. That's my view anyway. So a real downer on this for those reasons. For the acting and the camera work - very good. Not Oscar because I think it's all be done now. Hasn't it?
In my books this rates a lowly 2.5 at best.
The 3D was fabulous though. My first 3 D film since approximately 1996 maybe? I was in Universal Studios Floria. I watched Honey I shrank the Audience. It was amusing. The extra effects were with the moving chairs and things running over my feet etc oh and water vapours on my face. Yes it was an all round experience sitting there in my cardboard red and green glasses. Now they are sophisticated black rimmed glasses. Maybe they are shades of green and red but there is only a slight colouring to them. The screen effect is quite wonderful. And now there are gaming devices or did I imagine it that mean you don't need to wear the glasses. Surely not?
Anyhow I'm pleased to have experienced the whole 3D imagery. I would make the effort again in the future. It's so much more expensive. Cinema is expensive. It wasn't full but busy enough. And they are advertising piracy still but in a different less threatening way. After all the threats couldn't be carried out on the scale piracy is occurring.

Food wise? I was aware of the sweet and popcorn buying process. It's the fist time I've been to the cinema since being in FA. I thought about it beforehand, how going to the cinema was really about getting sweeties. Actually at one time with SH I was wanting to go more often than the occasional visit, mainly because it was permission to buy loads of sweets and much through them. SH didn't question it and I could just munch my way through the lot and there was something covetous about being able to bring them home and eat them all to myself later on. Even as I write this there is something about the difference types of chocolaty things I would buy. Sugar, sugar, sugar. I would also obsess if he was holding onto the bag or seemed to be taking too many. I was distracted from the film! And the same with friends, if they were jigging around in the bag I would become impatient and wanting my share. Greedy!
So I was glad to have eaten beforehand and know that this is not my food Thank you God.
Eating yesterday was slightly awry. Having visited SS in her home yesterday morning  then went to Lidl's veggie shopping. This meant I got home approaching 2pm and then had to prepare my lunch. It was way way too late. I should have prepared my lunch before I left home and also times my chatting with SS to a tighter limit. It was pleasant sitting with her she is lovely. I am so sad that she has developed MS. I cannot understand this seeming injustice of bad things happening to good people. But then everyone is good deep down so why does bad happen at all. Is it bad? It's bad yes because it inhibits a lifestyle and causes pain. SS is so gracious in her situation. She is smiling. She is hopeful. She seemed thoughtful at times. She is forgetful. This scares me as I'm very forgetful, with words and situations and trains of thought. This is a symptom of so many conditions but more and more I realise that diagnoses are really theories and guess work. It is theorised because a number of symptoms seem to be common. SS has lesions in her brain in the cerebellum area. Cerebellum is linked with motion and that would explain why her hand movement is impaired. The lesion are linked I presume with the myelin being affected. And the myelin affects the action potentials. It was CS who reminded me that it was myelin that is the big physical issue with MS and fro there I started to remember snippets from my biological psychology course. Fascinating but not for SS. She is suffering at times she said. Please God help relieve her from the suffering and just help and guide her through this. Help me to be of good support in what ever way I can.

SS suggested I write a book about my experiences with food. Well here is my blog and sometimes I am writing about the specifics with food. The funny thing is that I realise I sort of take it for granted. The food plan and so on are fixed and that's that. Although the odd cravings occur. I am feeling hungry between meals right now and wanting more food. I think as soon as I start talking that dies down again. I had two satumas this morning whereby I have been opting for one. However it is suggested to have two rather than one. Any small fruit should be two. I've justified having one and now I'm justifying having two. I need to check this out with my sponsor as by trying to do it myself I am really not sure anymore which is right. I wanted to keep it to one to keep weight reduction occurring and this s  ot healthy thinking. I cannot afford to mess even slightly with any single element of this. Why? Why be so rigid you may ask? Well if I wonder off what is prescribed as abstinence then I start to take control and then I can swing quickly into being out of control. Handing it over to my sponsor means that I am totally trusting and do not have to stay in the wondering, the control and the obsession. Get it out of me, like ridding me of the alien inside.