Blushing

My friend E called and asked what I am doing tonight. Squirmingly I said I am ging bell ringing. She smirkily said "On a Monday?!".
It is the most embarrassing hobby ever. And if "they" has said to me that in 8 years time when you have some clean time behind you, you will take up bell ringing, I swear that I would never ever have got clean.
It makes me laugh though. It's such a weird thing for me to be doing. The people are all ordinary somehow. They don't really talk much to me. I end up sitting on my own a lot. I think they really thought I was odd when I turned up on Halloween wearinga witches hat and all dressed in black. I took choccies along and mentioned that I had cast a spell on the chocs. He he he. M did pass a comment, something about there is probably a superstition about withces in churches. I AM NOT A WITCH! was what I wanted to scream YOU STUPID FOOL I AM JUST DRESSED UP FOR HALLOWEEN - GET IT?????? I didn't, I just took off my witches hat and rang bells .
This evening though is in G and A's garage. They are such entusiasts they have their own set hanging in their garage. They are a dinky little sound.
Listening to E and her difficulties around work, it's interesting. Hearing a lot of things I can relate to. I just want to be well managed and work for a professional outfit where everyone does it right! I have always thought that. But BA, Hoggs, even the Saurday jobs Biggs, Rowledge Stores - none of them had it right!
The world is full of fallible people some trying harder than others and I don;t like it. In a childlike way I want that grown up who knows everything and can make it all OK to exist. I hated discovering my mum was fallible. Bit she wasn't really. She was just the best and I dare anyone to say differently. Consequently there is huge difficulty when in therapy if anyone dares go into that zone!
Right off to bell ring with my fallible ordinaries

stampedes and sea monsters

I keep breaking into chuckles, even whilst out walking I found myself laughing out loud.
Yesterday whilst out walking, M and I struggled over a gate to continue along the route we were following only to discover we hadwalked into a field of cows. M said will be OK? I said yes. After all they were behind us. I thought they looked quite cute all looking at us. We walked a little way and I thought I would just check on the cows only to see them chargin angrily towards us. I told M and he he he he he at that point she started running saying what do we do what do we do he he he he he he he. I said get out. At which point he he he he he she leapt like a cartoon character right over the fence he he he he he saying OK! I was laughing so much I couldn't run. he he he he
The cows stopped, I think in shock or mild amusement too.
Later on I was telling M about the bath I had with the herby bath bomb she had given me. I explained that I emerged frm the bath like a sea monster covered in seaweed. As the bloody thing fizzed in the bath water all these flipping herbs rose to the surface. I am still finding bits of herb in my hair. M was in pain laughing at the idea of it. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Now this evening M is laughing at me again. I sent her an email sharing how ashamed I have been feeling - hurty hurty aaargy aargh aargh pride injusry hurty.
A sent a reply email to me saying "is it me or are your emails getting longer. I am no a prolific emailer myself" ugh ugh ugh. He didn't mean to shame me I'm sure but he sure ain't no chatty addict!!! And there I was thinking I was doing it properly.
But hey at a time when oratory is being revered and brought back into fashion by Obama - yes I know emails are not oratory but it's all blinking words isn't it. He he he he he he he he
Well my shame is diminishing as I share it. How embarrassing.
Well of course I immediately decided I would never ever ever send another email to him. Instaed I have decided to laugh at myself and write only very brief, succinct, concise, short, comprehensive, pithy, brusque, to the point emails.
Do you ever get those body judders when you think of something you've dsaid or done that just fills you with shame- well that's what I keep doing but with a smile now as well.

Something to work towards

Both professionally and personally, I would like to adopt the attitude that as a result of conversations I might change.
In other words instead of approaching general discussion or debates with a view of imparting my knowledge and hoping to enlighten someone else, I can approach the discussion etc with my opinions but be available to heat things that might change me.....
It's basic stuff really isn't it? But on a day to day basis I can be so overly opinionated and egotistical.
Even though my job requires me not to be.
This is ongoing work on my part.

Love, nurture and greatness. Smiling

“I am an example of what is possible when girls from the very beginning of their lives are loved and nurtured by people around them." Michelle Obama 02/04/09
I felt very angry and later sad when I read this quote. That was after at first feeling very strong admiration. She has been a great achiever and seems to portray a real sense of self. Yes I can see that has been given to her from a very young age. Cynically I think yeh bet she hasn't had all that loving and nurturing from the beginning of her life. It's just something she says. But if she has she is very lucky indeed. I felt angry coz I think the dysfunction within my family unit has contributed to me not really having a grip in the way of the world. I was ill-prepared for emotions and found strategies to deal with them that in the end have been damaging. I don't blame my mum and dad. I know my mum loved me but I can see how her ways of loving me were distorted through the history of her own family. My dad is I believe very screwed up and just didn't know any better.
But it pisses me off that it's only now, all these years later, thatn I am learning how to let myself be love and nurtured by the people around me and more importanly these days myself.
I am sad too that it has taken all this time. What a lot of potential has just been flittered away. It's not with regret - it's purely sadness.
I am also positive right now and tehrefore able to see how fortunate I am to have discovered a different way that is lovng and nurturing. Many, many people don;t ever get to experience what I have been experiencing in the last 8 years. And I can see great change and progress within me.
It is a pity in some ways that it's happening at 48 (nearly 49) but it's happening and that's the most important thing.
I was trying to explain this morning, when chatting with my friend E, just how much more freedom I am experiencing. I am wary that it's just a fleeting moment. And I put the shackles straight back on when I say this, but I think once achieved, freedom and happiness must be attained at all times - as E said, it's something to reach. But the freedom comes back again when I accept that for today I feel this way. Everything feels so much lighter and just the way it is. "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems". It's true it is. Yesterday I noticed how the feelings were current, not loaded with the shame and pain of the past. I can't even remember what the current feeling was because I talked about it and it's gone.
Even though my dad hasn't had contact, the pain is lessened and I think that's because I have been sharing with friends and support just how sad I have felt about that. The hurt that that has caused me and how I interpret it as being a bad and wrong person. And then people not keeping in contact or choosing not to have me as a friend anymore is reinforcing messages to me that I am a bad and wrong person. The truth is that I am very aware that past behaviours have been damaging to people and for that i am truly, truly sorry. It's true too that today I continue to make mistakes and have ways that are still not helathy or helpful. The difference is that I am willing to take a look at these behaviours and work towards changing them if I agree that there is a detrimental affect on others that is nothing to do with them bringing their issues into it as well. This people with people stuff is so complex and I belive I can be blamed for others' feelings and their own issues they bring to any relationship.
So yes I will take a look at my behaviours, attitudes, beliefs, etc and if there is room for improvement I will try to make changes. But I am not going to change things that work for me and are not loaded with selfishness etc. If I check my motives and really, really they are clean and pure then that is OK with me.
Gosh I really am strong and positive today.
It's a pleasing difference.
However, I am not studying.
Oh and with that change I have noticed how I am looking to see if I have had email replies from A. And feeling disappointedf and even angry with him when I haven't. Grr at me. How quickly the love addiction swoops in and takes over. The point is that after 2 years of not having contact with men and damaging relationships I would like to have a balance of mena dn women friendships. I have very close and supportive friends and I believe that takes a long time of a lot of effort and empotional intimacy. It's not that I am looking for. I would like to have a circle of people of both genders that bring a fullness to me relating with people. Yes it would be nice to be special to someone and to learn to have a special closeness with a man. Somethign I have never done in my complete mad life. This means developing friendships and just that. Being muyself, hearing others being themselves and accepting them as they are. And like I have learnt when having close friendships with women I can practice discernment. I think before a man could come into my life it would take several years of freindhsip now. Yet here I am mentally forcing the issue already.
I am aware of this and as an addict practicing recovery, the awareness enables me to alter my behaviour and attitude. So I commit here and now to stop this active desire for a boyfriend and see what happesn.
This is freedom to me - seeing what happens. Not trying to take control and force things to happen. There is a balance between just sitting back and hoping things will happen but so long as I don't allow the addictive me to push things then I can blow with the wind a little more.
Phew what a relief. That means I don't have to be anything I am not. I am who I am, I have lived the life I have lived and what people think of that is up to them. Freedom.
I am nurturing myself and loving myself. I can be great you see!

I had a lovely day with my friend M. After the morning meeting T, M and I had coffee and then M and I returned to my flat for lunch. As always we covered lots of topics. A lot is about her feelings as she has stopped smoking. I truly believe it to be the hardest thing I have given up. It shocks me still that something that seems so small is so, so powerful over the emotions. And all these giving up techniques and products forget or don't realise what is underneath the smoking. I am certain it's not just addicts that encounter this - after all anyone who smokes is an addict but most people associate addiction with drugs and alcohol. People don't seem to realise that behaviours can be addictive to - it's the individual who is the addict and can use just about anything to escape emotions. I also tend to think that the majority of people don't "do" emotions. That society has been teaching humans over the years to control emotions and supress them. Therefore I don't give credit to people outside of a self-awareness working model credit that they know how to process feelings etc. I intellectually know this is true but it's a judgement I make and can bias myself. However I do experience a large number of people who are just so not self-aware or prepared to look at themselves. And certainle seem unable or unwilling to disclose their feelings about things, maybe even totally unaware of their feelings.
Ther I go again, being judgemental and pointing the finger.
Such ego - I know best. It happens when I am feelign good and positive. I so quickly switch into thinking I have sucha a good handle on things and life. Guess what happens the next day or soner sometimes, I have a great big humbling session. I do have a lot of grwig wisdom but by no means know very much at all. I want to stay open to being teachable and can't learn anything if I think I am superior.
Blimey somethimes it's so hard justifying myself.
I am feeling good today and that's all I need to say.
Good doesn't mean that I am simply happy - good means that I have the full gambit of emotions. I am happy for the sunshine and for self-awareness and at least some way through the backlog of studying. I am happy I have the next week off before starting my new job for which I am feeling excited. I am feeling sad that my father has even less time for me yet here I am not contacting him either. I need to remember that when I do speak with him he is usually very damning of me and what I am doing and berates me just for being me and my passions. That's why I don't have contact with him. It still hurts that he doesn't seem to like me at all. So yes I am sad and still hurt about that. As for my childhood with him - well thankfully the pain of that seems to be less today. The legacy of it seems to be further away for today.
I am anxious about nmy lack of ability to disciline myself to study and therefore this raises my anxiety about being able to do my research project and report write-up (2500 words - shit!)
I would love to spend a day and night camping next weekend with M and T too but won't be able to if I don't get on with my studies.
I am hopeful about a succesful future. I feel smiley today.
I am feeling puffed up and hormonal and I feel angry and hateful about that.
There. If there are other emotions I don't know them right at this moment.
OK - some thoughts down now surely I can get on. Byeeeeeee

A nobody coz I'm not a somebody

Wow - it just washed over me suddenly, the reality that I will not be seeing clients H and L ever again. They wanted me to call yesterday to say goodbye but I decided not to having said goodbye on Tuesday. It felt as if I was trying to manipulate a leaving pressie from them. I wanted them to show how much they had enjoyed meeting with me each week.
I know it doesn't matter who they get their equipment and chat to about their problems so it was more pertinent not to call them.
I just felt the reality of never seeing them though and it was a horrid glimpse of the feeling.
It went away as quickly as it washed over. It's these little emotions that I have spent so many eyars not allowing myself to feel.
I do understand.
I am learning more.
It's OK to feel these things. I feel ashamed too of wanting them to like me - but I can allow myself the thoughts and the feelings and it's OK the great thing is that acknowledging these truths I can ensure I don;t act out on them. I an share the real me with my blog, my friends that I have learnt to get honest with and with whom I can openly discuss any judgements that are made and also whom I can say that I don't need feedback or opiniosn if I don't want them.
Yep more distraction away from studying - but I think it's stuff like this that is blocking y studying anyway.
Oh another thing I wasn't comfortable with was the results from the dyslexia assessment. It's great news that I am not dyslexic, horrid confirmation of dyscalculia - I interpret that to mean a dimwith mathematically but know that's not the case for eveyone else. BUT when she used the description of average - aaaaaargh - me average! I know I am but I hate to be labelled it. I want to be above average and spend so much time trying to prove I am above average yet sharing how comfy I am being just an average person - "another bod on the bus" and not needing to be a somebody - the reality is that that is not true at all. I want to be a somebosy otherwise I consider myself a nobody! It's still mighty strong in me isn't

Menas

Grrr - at myself. I seem to have concentration for my study for about 10 minutes at a time ad this is not enough to get through the ever growing workload I now have.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I know I have had a lot of unrest in the past 4 or so weeks - the stroke scare which turned out to be a severe migraine linked with hormones, interview folloed by a job offer then decisions to be made, the stress of the distance I will have to drive, leaving my job, increased self-awarenes regarding shortcomings and then looking at the damage caused t me and others as a result of those shortcomings. Wanting more males in my life is a big distraction but is that a distraction as a result of the studying and stress or contributing. I think there is a need to be in the flattered stage of meeting people - men. Any men reading this ugh it feels uncomfortable being this open and honest and fills me with shame to be so averagely femal - human. Yes it's a fact I would like to meet someone to share some time with BUT there are so many things that stand between me and a loving caring relationship - namely me and "issues".
However, it doesn;t stop me from now being open to the idea of men in my life- creating friendships. I have followed the suggestions of having female friends and stopping contact with destructive male relationships and now I only really know women. It would be lovely to have a selection of people both mael and female that I could invite to get together for say a Summer barbecue. Goodness knows where exactly this would happen having no space for anything like that. Anyway it is the thought of it that's appealing.
Blah blah blah. Rattling nonsense out here now instead of getting onw ith studying.
Toying with whether to stop now and go for the afternoon walk with LouLou now - it's so lovely and sunny or do some more studyig and go later. I think I will compromise and do another half an hour - which will take me to 1545. Walk for an hour menas getting home at 1645. Then I can have a bath and wash my hair - 1715 - 1730. Half an hour studying 1800 put on my dinner - eat at 1830 - bell ringing at 1900 until 2130. Home in time for perhaps a little more studying.
Then bed by what 2300? Hah that's if I don't take a sneaky look at Twitter.
I send a message to the Universe - vis Tut.com (introduced to me by a Twitter friend). I said what I would like and as I am always warned to be careful what I ask for I added a whole load of qualifying conditions. I get scared though that I haven't covered all angles and I will get a partial gift from the Universe. It is so so complicated being me sometimes. I can turn this faith in abundance into such a reward and punishment thing.
See what I mean - it's a constant complication.
Anyway - half an hours studying is getting eaten into - more later I am of no doubt.

Last Day

I tried to stay conscious today - to experiencve wverything as it was happening today, my last day working at N. "They" manager and secretary had organised a bloody team meeting. I know that it was arranged like this to coordinate with a meagre attempt at saying goodbye to me but honestly sitting for over 3 hours to things that no longer apply to me was very difficult. I chipped in a couple of times because despoite the things I find difficult about the service I am very passionate about the valuable job we have been doing.
He he he, I had told my co-worker that I wanted an ink pen if by chance they were thinking of getting me a leaving present. Well I really was horrified at the last leaving present - an engrave vase. Just not me at all. Luckily for me I have since learnt from D (co-worker) they ran out of time to get the pen engrvaed. I will think fondly of a couple fo the people L and D especially every time I use my very nice pen. Thanks everyone.
It seems so - mmmm - what does it seem so - so nothingish. One minute I was a working colleague and then within minutes I was history and everyone gets on with their job and the rest of their lives and I am already a memory. It feels very sad.
I haven't of course managed to stay present all day and experience teh thoguhts and feelings as they have happened. It still feels very much as if a apart of me hasn;t caught up with events. perhaps this is the way my soul deals with the very delicate balance within me - I am so so sensitive to change.
There is also a sense of passing of time .... N has been a consistent thread over the past 3 years. A lot of people have gone - Russell - S, J, a relationship with J, and other people have come and gone. Some places have been and gone C, Hampshire, Spain, H, Surrey. And situations have been traversed - such as starting my degree, sorting out somewhere to live, taking on greater responsibility for areas of my life, seeing S and working out some issues and so on. All through this N has been there in the background providing me with something constant. On my way home I had a real need to speak to someone who is around in my life. I need to hear the sound of stability if that makes sense. I called J - I think he got it slightly but then went off on his own tangent he often does. That's OK - it's interesting hearing someone else's take as well.
When my mum was alive I now realise that she provided that anchor that meant I could flit around, make impulsive decisions ( which might involve terrible mistakes). I changed jobs, partners, homes, personality and so on with the wind. I could because she was always there. She was the thread that ran through everything. Now she is dead I am the one who has to be my own consistent grown up. That feels so uncertain - after all I was the pne making the messes. The littel girl in me doesn't trust me to take care of me. I feel incapable of being the grown up - or rather I don't want to have to be the grown up.
I so so so mis mum. And this change today has aroused all these losses and sadnesses too.
Gosh no wonder there is a need to escape emotions - they are bloody piercing and so deep and intense.
I am tired.
I asked two of my colleagues to tell me three things they have found good about working with me three things they found difficult. Very interesting an I appreciate their willingness and honesty......
D gave me a lovey lovely list of positives. Her negative was that she thought at times I could be quite tough on new clients, giving them the hard line stuff straight away, wheras she would prefer to develop a trusting relationship with the clients before hitting them with that kidn of information. J said that he found my rigidity (harsh word I thought) both unhelpful and helpful. He said that being such the extreme opposite he found it really helpful to be able to take on some of the systems etc that I emply but at the same time he found it difficult.
Both had such valid comments and I am not surprised to hear those things. think it took so muchy out of them to tell me their difficulties that they couldn;t think of more. The positives, included that i am fun with a good sense of humour, encouraging and hard working. I am supportive and a good listener, open and honest. There were more. D took it so seriously she had written things down for me which I will stick in my journal. J did it there and then on the spot.
D asked me to do the same for her which i did.
It' all helpful feedback and enables me to continie to work on myself. Of course I hate hearing the criticism - just as hard hearing the positives and have to bracve myself for the difficulties and just listen without justification. I thanked them both and explained that it would assist me with my self development. K the other day happened to mention how he had noticed how controlling I am - I am such a bloody perfectionist.
Ugh I really would like for this to be removed. I trust that with my ongoing self-work it will diminish.
Phew I am working towards freedom, littel by little. I realise that the total freedom is when I am happy with myself and that I am OK just as I am, just where I am and with everything I need being available t e right at that moment. I understand it more and more - I just get in my own way - fear!
Phew I am tired.
My foot aches and I keep getting a pain up my leg.Of course with my paranoia I think it is something deadly.
Oh and whilst out last night celebrating A's birthday I got a severe headache. If elt nauseous and sick. I thought it was goin g to be this horrid hormonal migraine again. I was so worried that i think it was contributing to the headache. Thankfully the Paracetemol kept it at bay - I eventually got home to bed and slept well. I did get the occasional moment of giddiness and nausia today but I think it's gone now. Thank goodness.
I would not want what I tried to endure a few weeks ago again.