Start of research into avoidance or block. Hooray feelings now that I have seen the way pride blocks me

This is a copied text as I am too lazy to re-write to you my blog. I wrote this in an email to my friend M who had been sharing with me about fear ...
I relate very much to fear of life. Our fears may be different but the fact is I am so so scared of so many things and it holds me back.
I really wasn't as fearful before recovery but of course I have had so many layers of addictions to hide behind - not leats utter codependency on my mum. She was my courage but there was also pushed em to go beyond myself. I didn't ever ask for help as I had learned somehow that it wasn't OK to say I am scared and I need some support. I went boldly where no man had gone before - or that's how it seemd but inside I was and still am absolutely terrified.
No wonder it's difficult to take steps forwards (make decisions) these days. And asking for help with that is still tricky for me - I was taught too much pride. Often I amke decisions impulsively without thnking things through because I am too scared not too. And other times I just back out completely because I am too scared to make the choice. Extremes of the same issue.
So I do relate to your indecision.

i need help but I am not sure what kind of help to help me to stay and grow in this job.
I feel inadequate and have no sense of my style of therapy anymore. I am attempting to be like IC and PD. They work very much making links. I think it's very valid and I know clients like it as it shows them patterns and a sense of self understanding. I like that b ut I like working with the feelings first. If eel so out of pratice and so fish out of water. I am scared that as people are paying so much momey that I am not posh enough or qualified enough or professional enough - I am just not enough.
It's driving me into the ground already.
I am scared with PD leaving that leaves two of us as permanent. Who will be getting the client sonto the programme and if noone is doing that effectively then the P are unlikely to employ more staff and it will be left to Antoinette and I neither of whom are strong enough I don't think to hold the situation together on many levels. I feel petrified and therefore incapable and ewant to run
The other part of me knows I can do this job and I need some time to acclimatise. I do not want to be having to run the show which I cane asily take on as my responsibility. i can make the office run administratively and I know AW is not good at that. But it's not what I want to be doing.
I am pissed off as there will only be two permanent staff they have rostered AW and I to cover both Bank Holidays. I realise I need to speak with FC about this as i am not satisifed with this. I at least wnt the Bank Hol off at the end of May as it's my birthday weekend. well near enough.
PD has left so is not fighting the cause for the office - of course I don;t expect him to. But there is also that part of me that does expect someone else to take repsonsibility so that I am not whingeing or similar.

I am only just getting to these thoughts and how frustrated I am about it all. I tell myself I shouldn;t be afraid or anxious or irritated actually angry about such matters. I feel abadoned by PD and tricked actually. I am concerned that they are rats leaving a sinking ship and I have been conned. My pride doesn't want to let me admit this to you or to anyone. I am not happy with my pride right now.

I have just had an outburst - I think there is a little spcae now to get on with my essay
Thank Higher Power for the various meands of communication and for you my friend
Bliss

Dark thoughts

I am really not sure I can do my job. It's now two weeks since I started. I am not just not able to make the themes - I think it's actually a problem in general I have - making connections and creating threads. I think I have a mental agility problem.
Is it necessary to have that to help people get well? I don't know if I can find my style. I definitely can focus on feelings. I can practice and prepare lectures and workshops. Perhaps I need to focus on some of those to gain some confidence. As usual preparation is so so important. I know I can do this but for some reason I am feeling so lacking in any confidence. I realise I am very dependent on approval from P. He is judgemental and shows his likes and dislikes - he is o unbiasedut perhaps that's just me because actually he expects a high standard of work and why not. I am just not high standard.
pheeeeeeewwwwwww - I don'tknow if I have the energy to carry on for long. I can feel the tension that can easily turn into to burn out - depression.
I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts. I think I was feeling very sensitive yesterday after a very tough day. Then when I got to A's she and I had a complete misunderstading. A thought I didn't want to stay and I thought she wanted me to go as she was standing int he doorway. The evening before A was saying that I shouldn;t feel obliged to stay and chat. My thoughts on what are happened are this - A was trying to read into things and decided to take it upon herself to make it OK for me not to stay and chat when actually I like staying and chatting. I also wondered if perhaps she wanted me out of the way so that a drink without any guilt was possible - yet I have no issue with anyone drinking. I can see that it's a real issue especially if it does come between other things. All that happens is as the drunkeness starts to move in I leave as there is little of the real person there to enjoy. And then I thought the reason A said she wouldn;t be around in the morning was because she might be tired after an evening drinking and not want me to see her. Mind you I am also aware that I get there very early now and it's a real intrusion on A's mornings. I wouold totally understand if she didn't want to get up or chat or both. Anyway, I came home feeling every rejected and a mind full of reasons why I wasn't good enough or a nuisance. Amidst the thoughts that I aroused anger towards A. The mix anger towards me then A then me. It always ends up with it being against me - I am a nuisance, too intrusive, taking advantage etc etc etc. This on top of feeling inadequate at work and very tired - well it escalated without an obvious dramatic development until this morning I just felt worthless, too scared to let anyone know (pride) and ....... shit I didn;t say goodbye to the client who is leaving this weekend. I wish I had made a point of it. Why did I just walk out like that without going over and wishing him well. I hope he returns to Aftercare.
Shit I am doing that on Tuesday with I I do believe.
Blah blah feeling too exhusted by my thinking. The truth is I am not certain about the future. I feel too proud to say it to anyone right now. I can say it on my blog. It's me and it's mine and I can.
Patterns I have observed about myself - oh that's apart from this complete lack of self belief.
- Blimey can't remember them now - knew I would forget. I am very very forgetful these last two days. So maybe some of my sudden mood change - even suicidal this morning - is linked with hormonal manoeuvres in the dark depths within!!!
Right I will try and write more tomorrow as I am very very very very tired of myself!
Night

Distant from everyone

This is a text I wrote this morning. I kept it because I thought I'd forget the thoughts I was having and the feelings at the time.

"Feeling distant from everyone as wrking full time and not as much me time. Know I will adjust but right now feeling lonely. Don't have all the connectivity of having local friends, work, meetings. This disconnected lifestyle is a pattern I always had until I settled with Simon or indeed each relationship with a man of the time and I would gradually feel shackled by it too but always had my mum as a secure base. Feels frightening. Will my friends be secure bases despite the locational distance and time delay between contact and that worthlessness and insecurity is a part of the relationship addiction behaviour. See some patterns of behaviour and some understanding of the motives and feel lonely, sad, frightened, insecure, relief from enlightenment, vulnerable, needy. Feel like a small child, trying to be a grown up and flitting between arrogance and worthlessness whilst trying to find me without losing me - selling my soul to the addict! Just needed to share."



Basically I noticed a pattern that tonight as I am so tired seems completely irrelevant. However the fear that friends will give up on me because I am not on their case all the time is real. When I meet with A it's good, I enjoy her company and we talk at a very honest and emotional level. However, we rarely speak between gatherings and I don't feel as close to her as I feel to E or M. But then I speak with them at least or nearly every day. With the email contact I have, I only feel like there's a real connection when there's very regular contact. It's so ducking needy I am realising. And I despise it when I get emails from those people that I sens a real neediness. Ugh people maybe despise hearing from me, especially if they are avoidants.



This evening I am

Not Abstinent

To whom do I owe amends? Wow that's a big question and now I am sitting here trying to create my list I can only think of a few people. I seem to think I need to have a long list. In fact some people I have already made amends to.
A big amends to myself. Never speaking my truth.
I am not abstinent with my food. I keep eating snacks now. I need to get honest with someone. I will get honest with A and S this evening during our work group.
I will send a text to V saying what has been happening. I would be really really surprised if some of tehse people are entirely honmest and are always abstinent but that's because I am not. It seems impossible. I know people think that about alcohol and drugs too.
Thing is I haven't had a drink or drug for nearly 8 years. Bloody hell. Who would have imagined. And I stil get embarrassed about being a bell - ringer. Blinmey talking of which I have realised that a lady who I thought was an old lady was actually in my year at school - at the same school! Blimey. Either she's aged fast or I'm doing remarkably well. Still another blimey! How did I find out. Well with this blinking reunion thing being organised there was a suggestion to send messages to a number of people on teh FRU site and then I got side-tracked looking at who was in contact with whom. V's porfile page mentioned bell-ringing and I also thought the photo looked familiar suddenly putting the two together. Duck-me! That's all I can say.
I left a message putting aside judgements and 'ism's. I am an ageist. I am not proud of this fact but I am and so I am working to put this aside. I would like to be more open and accepting of people. Mind you there are people who I don;t think are very nice people and so I can be friendly towards them but I don't have to spend lots of time with them.

This week at work - well the first day was fine. Confident and at home very quickly. Then I started doubting my abilities. Wanting to be able to see the connections like I and P. I have been comparing myself and not measuring up at all. I am very concerned about P leaving as I do feel a security there. I have been two-faced about A. She is a lovely lady but P and I are very damning of her but haven't been outspoken with her. Therefore I wouldn't trust anything they say really. So when they say I am good and dab etc it doesn;t really mean very much. A has said to F the Clinical Manager that I am good and that aslo doesn't mean much as I think she is very codeeeeee - join the f-ing club. Although I was very pleased with myself for saying how I was hoping to leave one of the clients with a feeling but A came in a changed that immediately. I don't think she had noticed what I had done as she was so intent on getting to the feelings. Actually that client has shifted so much it's amazing. Hope she stayed with it over the weekend.
I flaffed the 1-1 with the client I am keyworking. I have asked to sit in a 1-1 with P. I am just feeling I know nothing at all.
I feel under prssure at work and under pressure with my essay although very relieved to have today got the discussion element done. The easiest 600 words which worries me as I then think that I have not done it right at all. I still have about 1000 words to write and will do those tomorrow - then I need to print it all out. I haven't got a printer though! Ha. Should have used the OU money to buy one. Oh well. I might ask John what he thinks would be a good buy.
So I have been eating and I know it's feelings of pressure. I haven't been able to get byond these feelings - inadequacy is a big one I think for me. I am afraid. I don't like not being more than capable. I am not sure how to deal with this. I need not to eat and keep calling out.
E is all recoveried up and not hearing just saying stop thinking and so on. That's OK but ...... she has a point of course I do understand that but I do have a lot of thoughts going around and around and lots of feelings as a result. I thnk stopping thinking is a point to work towards first I need to process the thoughts and the feelings. There is a place for stopping it all and giving myself breaks I certainly agree.
Anyway A and S will be here soon so I am going to have my dinner now. They then can cook there's and we can get on with the Step work.
I would like to ask their help in how to behave and what to say to S if he should arrive at the hospital for an ex-client group. P says he wants to continue doing it and of course I have no prooblem with that. However I do have a problem with remaining composed and not getting all afraid and nervous. I think I will stutter and splutter. That happens when I feel inadeqaute and incompetent. I have tried to imagine how he will be. I think he probably won;t come into the office but who knows. He may wnat to put ownership on the P. After all it's the P he got sober in. That was a bit of a jab at him and his recovery taking inventory of where he's at!
Not my job or my perogative to do that as here I am eating snacks out of meal time. And a lot of them today.
I will have my evening meal - stir fry veg, cheese, pitta bread and yoghurt with fruit for pudding. That's it that's it that's it even when A and S have gone home. Please Higher Power help me to get my abstinence back please pleasr please. I want it. I don't have any clarity at all without it. I think I havebeen on a hormaonl carb drive this week too.
Not to mention all the emotions. Emotions I fnd troublesome to get through. Need to be sharing more and not about the clients about me

Broken Hearted

I have over eaten this evening. Two things have triggered this - the first is that I wasn't hungry at my evening meal time and so I went out without eating and returned home hungry. BUt that hunger was fuelled by the deep, deep hurt having decided to call my dad.
A couple of people have asked if I called in a mission of sabotage. It is possible. I won;t rule it out but I think there is also a drive to make peace within my soul. I am much more acceptant that there will not be a closeness between us. I wouldn't want to be close to the man he is right now. However, I do think I am closer to telling him how I feel - I feel hurt and the sorrow is so deep. I am sorry that so much damage runs between us and there is nothing of any depth when we do meet - he is unable to deal with emotions and I am too scared to tell him my feelings anyway.

I felt closer after the call to phoning him back and telloing him that I am hurt. I bottled out. I rellay think though this is where I will get peace. Is it wrong to get my peace through my truth knowing that it will cause him such angst. Is that fair and right? Yet here I am with a broken heart and that's not fair either.
I believe I need to make peace with my soul whatever that means my dad will throw back at me. It is more likely than not going to hurt as he is incapable of showing anything but deep anger and it comes out in violence or more likely viscious words. That's how it will be more than likely. I think I can take it - I am stronger I think.

I went to see Foy Vance playing - but I found the company shallow in the frame of mind I was in. I left and came home - all that money - petrol, ticket etc what a waste of money. But my sanity seems more important.

And now it is time for an early night. New job starts tomorrow. I feel slightly nervous - it seems unreal at this very moment.
Night
Dad - it hurts that you have no desire to see me or to have more than occassional contact with me. It hurts that you don't seem to like me at all. It hurts that nothing I do means anything to you. It hurts that all you can see is bad in me.
I am not a bad person. I am human. I am not like you. I am damaged through your behaviour. I forgice you as I know you are urely deeple damaged yoruself. You didn;t know any different. How sad I am that you must be hurting so much in your heart and soul. I wish nothing but peace for you. It doesn't stop me hurting though. I realise that things will never be any differetn between us. Just so long as you know that my heart aches to be able to love you and to receive your love in return. I know your soul loves me just as I am.
I am trying to learn to see beyond your prejudices of me and beginning to see that I am an OK person - I am loveable just as I am.
Night dad. Sleep peacefully and forgive yourself. Love to you
X

whoop whoop whoop - ego

"Hello M

I would just like to tell you how horrid I am feeling after being so arrogant about Andy.
I "know it" it at all. By it I mean that he would ask me out. I thought he has been friendly and adult.
That "know-it" was actually my defalted ego suddenly feeling flattered. And It now feels so ugly.
I am ashamed of that. Glad to recognise it. But Ugh it's so uncomfortable that you witnessed my ego making something into something else.
Ugh ugh ugh - ugliness and discomfort.

Glad to be aware and glad to be ablt to be honest about it with you despite hating the idea of you getting to see more of me.
You see it anyway of course and interpret it with your own meanings. So to actually tell you my thinking and feelings is so uncomforatble.

If I keep things real size. Yes it is nice to be asked as a friend to go for a walk.
The reality is we have had some email contact. It's been friendly and I am trying to learn how to do that.
my head does all sorts with it - but i can behave differently. It's never going to be easy I guess.

I don;t think I have been playing with him - I have been paying in my head for sure and when I talk with you or anyone else about it.
So on reflection, when you said that I had been playing I turned then into me being told off for doing it wrong and being a bad person and not being able to do it any other way.
i know that is not what you said but that's what I turned it into.
All happened too quickly amidst other things going on in my thinking and feelings to say that at the time.

I hope you will be alright with me writing this down now as it's the way I more easily process things when they are new and ......"

Of course I won't sed this. I was a bit more than pissed off when M said I had been playing with A. I think I have been doing less of that. I have certainly thought about playing with him. I would like to remain making friends with him and now that he's mentioned perhaps going for a walk, my needy ego has gone yip yip yip. The reality is we knew each other for about 2 or 3 evenings 27 or more years ago. As a result of a meet up with A (Aus) I got in contact with him via FRU and we have had a few pleasant and friendly emails. I try to remain light-hearted and witty. I did send some longer emails and more frequently which he commented on and I slowed down then. And now he has sent an update email and asked if I'd like to go for a walk with him.
None of my emails had mentioned meeting up at all. It's just a nice friendly thing to suggest isn't it?
All of this kind of thing is so unusual for me - I take it as that's it we are going to have to be having sex and stuff. I have never just been able to be friendly with a guy and that's what I want to learn how to do.
I don't like M's suspicions of me as it taps right into how I think things should be anyway. It doesn't feel supportive it feels admonishing. I have a feeling it links in with her saying "you'll meet someone soon" and I think that is triggered by her inscurity somehow.
Guess what I am not doing by writing this out.

Anyway it is nice to be asked out for a walk with someone who only knows me through my emails. Perhaps there are many underlying motivs for him and perhaps not. But how on earth is one supposed to find out unless you find out - know what I mean?
I just need to stay ground - centred and boundaried. Can I thoug? Already I am wondering if he will find me too ugly, too fat etc etc. Haven't even thought about whether I will find him ugly fat etc. HA it's all about me not being good enough.

What a wonderful walk yesterday. We estimate we walked over 20 miles in totla. We started out from Arundel at 9.30, meeting T there. We walked to Amberley, stopped for lunch which was horrid although I am so used to horrid food I ate it anyway (that's the foody in me all the time) and then we had a wonderful chocolate brownie in the tea rooms just down the road fromt he pub. Then we set off back for Amberley. I was getting very tired towards the end and very glad to see the car finally. Actually I felt more relief when we actiually arrived in Arundel again. At that point I felt OK. There was a sort of need to get on with it towards the last few miles - tired yes but more to do with being on the way back lets just get it over with sort of thing.
I had lots of laughs with both M and T. I think M was a little tetchy competitive today or maybe it was me I am not sure. I did get codey this morning when I received a text from T saying I hope I didn't upset M. Now I had already recognised yesterday a sort of avoidfance addictive thingy going with female friendships I have. I have known for a while how I have codependance around female friends - I have seen addiction and avoidance very clearly with males - now I can see a not dissimilar thing but without of course the secual element coming in. I am usually the addictive one - the really outwardly needy one and therefore for an avoidant that must be tiresome. And an avoidant wants to hook in the avoidant. M and T oth claim to be avoidant types - and I could see T i thnk becoming the addict within their getting to know each other.
It's not clear clear to me yet but there's certainly a something going on. Of course M has gone into the avoidant with me ths morning I think - there was a definite feeling of dynamic change this morning. Maybe it's me that caused it - that I am aware of but gosh the bloody ease with which all OK can change to all not OK for me. It's all so fragile.people with people.
Anyway I will hold off sending A an email saying yes yes yes as I want to.
I will acknowledge his email on Wed - that's 2 days surely I can hold on until then. And I will have news of this weekends walk, a suggestion fo a walk I would ike to do is Seven Sisters and he wants a cosatal walk. I can talk of my first day in my new job and of Foy Vance this evenign.

Right study study study. Need to stay focused amidst all my thining thinking thinking

Nice man

"Hello Universe
Following a conversation today I regret that I didn;t ever say to MH that I thought he as a nice man - grumpy about a lot of things yes and I had never been on the end of what others described as his violence.
I wished I had said to him that I found him kind and thoughtful and very tolerant of his family.
I thought he put up with a lot and I felt sad for him that there was so much venom towards him
I never witnessed the person they said he was.

Can you somehow let him know Universe or create the opportunity for me to tell him that directly.

Thanks"

I had a conversation with E today. She met with P and there was converation about S (my ex partner) sorry if you are confused by she said he said he said stuff. Anyway I know what I mean.
I felt such a huge sense of vindication. I probably shouldn't feel that if I was all-so-ever-so spiritual BUT it was music to my ears yet I was also sad.
P said S is very "sick" (codependent) with his girlfriend. I did feel sad about this as I had been really hoping that he was happy and less riddled with anger. P said that S's girlfriend had previously "tried it on" as they say with many of the guys but S was the one who got hung up with her and her 4 children. P said that S is very much in her control. It's horrid to ehar but also a relief. P had also said that S was not taking any ownership of the problems that escalated between him and I. E was great and said that she had nothing but respect for me the way I have put so much effort into the grieving etc after S. Of course I was angry and wanted to shame him to everyone. I said some things but I have also been able to see my part.
P was also telling E about S and his father MH (who I am writing to the Universe about) making P and the secretary of the business redundand because they were secretly selling the business - S as usual thinking he would make a small fortune. Instead they were offered not even 6% of that - wow I just worked that out on a calculator and I don't know how. I am dyscalculic according tot he fornal assessment and I did that with a kind of automated guesswork. Weird. There is a part of me that is going he he he he snigger snigger snigger. But there is also a part of me that is really sorry for MH. He had built that business to tick over very nicely. Then S came along and treated him like an idiot and just wanted to get rid of the business. S was no business man and whilst I was with him made some real silly decision I thought. Including with our house which he now has a negative equity on and a whole load of problems.
Gosh I hope noone I know ever reads this - they will see the bit of me that is wicked and they will know who I am talking about and it will reveal who talks about who and how. Ugh. That's dangerous isn't it. But it bloody well does go on.
E also told P that I had been hurt as there were a number f people that had been funny with me since S and spilt up. P was surprised and it was nice to hear that he likes me. He had also said to E that his relationship with S had been difficult for some time. And now S is being funny with P yet it was S that made him redundant and wasn't even up front beforehand. It seems to me that there was some nasty stuff going on. I knwo that really S would like to be doing nothing with a whole load of mponey. Wouldn't we all and I think he was always looking for a qucik way to make a lot of dosh.
I am feelinf really like a nasty person gloating and scared of vindication from the Universe for thinkig this way. There is a part of me that thinks I am evil and another part of me that thinks this is a natural thing. I am aware that S thinks I am entirely to blame. I have seen him scowl at me if I have ever by chance driven by. I wave to him and smile he scowls back. He sees it all as my fault. I can see my part I am not in any denial of that and so all this I hear is a bit of relief that others can see it not all my fault.
Phew

Slow slow slow progress with studies. Embarrassed at how little time I can hold concentration with it. WhY? What's going on? I am finding it difficult but I have foind it all difficult all the way through. I am realising that doing a degree teaches very useful skills that don't get taught at lower levels of education - well not to me anyway. And they are really useful skills. I like the learning. Scared I can't hold onto and build upon it as I have such a weak memory.
Recent learning is the way to lable detials and gradually put them inot higher level themes. I have always tried to create the themes and put all the detail into the themes without first working out what there is to be themed - if that makes sense. But I am struggling to decide what detail I have and how to code it at a higher level so that it makes sense. And of course allowing the freedom that some of the detail goes across several themes. Get it?

Right. I wanted to write down somewhere the thoughts following this conversation today and also record for myself the letter to the Universe.

Oh heard from CY on Fru. I used to have a crush on him at school. Got reallys cared by the speed and regularity of the emails in response to mine. I'm the addict and it's scary when someone else acts like me back. Furthermore his attachement with the military scared me as he might have the same "sickness" as my dad and Graham Whelan - mention his name as I believe him to be truly dangerous and don't care who knows. Anyway they both claimes to have military backgrounds and were very scary people. I am sure CY isn;t like them but I was amazed at the past experiences and attachment that was aroused.

Right study study study.

Byeeeeeee