Yay - abstinence achieved

I so wanted to eat when I got home tonight. I had eaten my meal including pudding before I left work. But just walking into my flat I wanted to eat. I have no idea what feelings were going to drive that craving. I kept chanting don't eat. don't eat, don't eat. I sent a text to friends telling them I wanted to eat. I would never have done that in the past - the shame of being such a pig. I know now it's not being a pig it's addiction - the desire to take myself away fromt he clearly difficult feelings - difficult because it's bloody ahrd having over eaten - the self hatred. So if I'd rather feel that than deal with the driving emotions then they must be bad.
It's certainly linnked with my terrible judgement s of myself, my high demands, my lack of elf-worth.
Anyway I got through the cravings with help from supporting friends and now I am going to bed.
OA works - eventually
XX

Helpful Disclaimer If you Know Me Please Read

There is a little fear, writing this Blog, that people I know and know me might read it and recognise themselves and my thoughts about them. Well if they do the truth will be out there I guess but I would never want people to read the negative things I might say whilst I go throught the gambit of hurt and resentment etc.. I try to look at me and my part in things in the main but sometimes I am just not able to see that straight away and I do blame. Writing helps me to process my feelings about people and situations and eventually, how long that it is can depend on the degree of hurt or upset, I can see my part in things as well.

Please try not to take the processing personally. I hope one day that the process time will be greatly reduced and I will not have so much thinking and destructive feelings to work through as I will be self aware. Bear with me. I will try to do the same with you too.

Cows upstairs

The meal plans are working - all food types are acceptable and I make choices - i.e. no bad foods, 3 meals a day, exercise (somewhat regularly now working full time i.e. over the weekend nice long walks - remind me to tell you about the cows, yes more bovine therapy), no diets or deprivation. It's amiracle. I can get a pair of jeans on that I had forgotten I owned. Admittedly with a rather large muffin top but hopefully the baggy jumper will hide the full extent of the hangover. I really need to tone up my tummy now. I think this will mean sit ups or something of the sort as walking on it's own is not doing it!
Anyway it's a good feeling - thank Overeaters Anonymous. That is breaking my anonymity. I am not sure if that's OK or not. But by the time I find out it will be all too late.
Belive me if anyone should read this OA has finally helped me - but that involves more than just the meetings, it's been the people I have received freindship and support from, yeatrs of going but never really understanding and thinking I did, the readings, the steps and a lot of CODA work has contributed too. It's a big commitment but blimey it's so so so so worthwhile to be gradually gaining freddom from food and the body image problems. It's not about thin or food types - it's about the emotions and un resolved issues. And the fellowship had been helping to both understand and gradually work through them.
Phew it's damned hard work and sometimes so excrutiatingly painful but slowly, slowly I am gaining freedom from the hell I live in in my head.
IT WORKS, IT REALLY DOES line 8 page 88 of the Big Book. The main quote I remember.

I have completed draft 2 of my research report. I think it's almost ready for printing and posting. Thank flipping goodness for that. It's been like a monkey on my back for the past 3 weeks. Now I have 3 weeks work to do in two weeks before the final essay and then aaaaargh the exam on 15th June. Rrevise, revise, revise for the weeks after the 9th May onwards. I am so so so so so scared. It takes me ages to write one essay - 3 weeks to be precise and I will have three to do in less than 3 hours. It's not possible and hand written at that! It's not possible. I am very scared.

The cows upstairs refers to yet another bovine therapy experience yesterday with M.
We walked for a total of about 4 hours yesterda. We walked to Winchester Hill nad back - it's nowhere near Winchester in terms of road miles but looks towards Winceshter. It was beautiful as have all the walks on the South Downs Way been - except for the cows. Or rather I think they were young bullocks. They were frisky and frolicking - at our expense.
As we climbed over the gate we knew they were somewhere as there were pats of poo relatively fresh! As we rounded the corner and came over the brow of the hill, there they all were a herd grazing, scattered across one side of the field on the upward slope. We were down wind. M was already very anxious and her voice had risen a few tones. Her tones were yet to get higher. As we got closer one or two looked up and returned to their grazing giving me greater courage and strenght. M was holding on to me asking me what we were going to do. I said we'll be fine just walk through them and look they are not interested in us. Plan B - make ourselves look as big as possible and go RAR alot to chase them away. We were now level with them and there were movements within the herd and suddenly one from the back bucked and strted the herd moving rapidly towards us. We stood firm tried to spread our bodies and were RARRING away. The herd stopped abruptly but only mementarily as they moved in closer. RAR RAR or in M's interesting version "yar" "yar". Quietly and in a sort of to-ing and fro-ing run between me and I don;t know where. LouLou thought it was all a game jumping up at M and wagging her tail. As we neared the gate, I said bravely and protectively, "M get yourelf out, I'll hold the fort". Sort of Western hero style. I was petrified but thought she was more petrified. M quietly said I am not leavnig you along running backwards and forwards and pinching my arm each time she got to me. Eventually she ran out of the field as the herd broke into two trying to get between us and the gate. I turned to look one in the eye and RARRED extra loudly waving my map at him, yes HIM, too. He snorted smiling I'm sure. I turned my back to the gate again, RARRIng forwards, to the left of me and to the right, eventually getting to the gate. M was shouting "look behind you, look behind you!" To which I said "I know exactly what's behind me but can you help me open the gate?" in a sort of urgent trying to be calm type voice and struggling to pull, wiggle or push the gate bolt which wouldn't move. As M carried on trying to warn me I eventually got the gate open, was greeted lovingly by LouLou and noticed a couple sitting in their car eating cake and seemingly enjoying the entertainment.
The guy let the window down and in an Aussie accent asked if we were afraid of them. M raged back a "YES!" and "thnaks for the help". I thought no you pillock that's how I Dr Dolittle taught me how to communicate with the animals!!!!
He comented on the aerobic workout we had had and carried on eating cake. I bet that'll make an interesting story for him to tell about his visit to the South Downs! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Since then M has been in and out of shock. But both of us keep laughing so much. I so wish I could video those moments. Things that get lost are M's pathetic attempts at rarring, and her funny face and her bobbing around to and fro to nowhere and me stretching out and make loud angry scared sounds. My, it's flippping funny to remember though!
Right off to fidn some cows upatirs by going to the Farnham meeting where I perceive my enemies lay waiting - more to be told.........
Oh and cows in the attic refers to a website M found when she looked up bovine therapy. I thought I had made it up.
I will look for the webiste again and post it on here.
Bye for now
he he he he he he he he he

Start of research into avoidance or block. Hooray feelings now that I have seen the way pride blocks me

This is a copied text as I am too lazy to re-write to you my blog. I wrote this in an email to my friend M who had been sharing with me about fear ...
I relate very much to fear of life. Our fears may be different but the fact is I am so so scared of so many things and it holds me back.
I really wasn't as fearful before recovery but of course I have had so many layers of addictions to hide behind - not leats utter codependency on my mum. She was my courage but there was also pushed em to go beyond myself. I didn't ever ask for help as I had learned somehow that it wasn't OK to say I am scared and I need some support. I went boldly where no man had gone before - or that's how it seemd but inside I was and still am absolutely terrified.
No wonder it's difficult to take steps forwards (make decisions) these days. And asking for help with that is still tricky for me - I was taught too much pride. Often I amke decisions impulsively without thnking things through because I am too scared not too. And other times I just back out completely because I am too scared to make the choice. Extremes of the same issue.
So I do relate to your indecision.

i need help but I am not sure what kind of help to help me to stay and grow in this job.
I feel inadequate and have no sense of my style of therapy anymore. I am attempting to be like IC and PD. They work very much making links. I think it's very valid and I know clients like it as it shows them patterns and a sense of self understanding. I like that b ut I like working with the feelings first. If eel so out of pratice and so fish out of water. I am scared that as people are paying so much momey that I am not posh enough or qualified enough or professional enough - I am just not enough.
It's driving me into the ground already.
I am scared with PD leaving that leaves two of us as permanent. Who will be getting the client sonto the programme and if noone is doing that effectively then the P are unlikely to employ more staff and it will be left to Antoinette and I neither of whom are strong enough I don't think to hold the situation together on many levels. I feel petrified and therefore incapable and ewant to run
The other part of me knows I can do this job and I need some time to acclimatise. I do not want to be having to run the show which I cane asily take on as my responsibility. i can make the office run administratively and I know AW is not good at that. But it's not what I want to be doing.
I am pissed off as there will only be two permanent staff they have rostered AW and I to cover both Bank Holidays. I realise I need to speak with FC about this as i am not satisifed with this. I at least wnt the Bank Hol off at the end of May as it's my birthday weekend. well near enough.
PD has left so is not fighting the cause for the office - of course I don;t expect him to. But there is also that part of me that does expect someone else to take repsonsibility so that I am not whingeing or similar.

I am only just getting to these thoughts and how frustrated I am about it all. I tell myself I shouldn;t be afraid or anxious or irritated actually angry about such matters. I feel abadoned by PD and tricked actually. I am concerned that they are rats leaving a sinking ship and I have been conned. My pride doesn't want to let me admit this to you or to anyone. I am not happy with my pride right now.

I have just had an outburst - I think there is a little spcae now to get on with my essay
Thank Higher Power for the various meands of communication and for you my friend
Bliss

Dark thoughts

I am really not sure I can do my job. It's now two weeks since I started. I am not just not able to make the themes - I think it's actually a problem in general I have - making connections and creating threads. I think I have a mental agility problem.
Is it necessary to have that to help people get well? I don't know if I can find my style. I definitely can focus on feelings. I can practice and prepare lectures and workshops. Perhaps I need to focus on some of those to gain some confidence. As usual preparation is so so important. I know I can do this but for some reason I am feeling so lacking in any confidence. I realise I am very dependent on approval from P. He is judgemental and shows his likes and dislikes - he is o unbiasedut perhaps that's just me because actually he expects a high standard of work and why not. I am just not high standard.
pheeeeeeewwwwwww - I don'tknow if I have the energy to carry on for long. I can feel the tension that can easily turn into to burn out - depression.
I woke up this morning with very dark thoughts. I think I was feeling very sensitive yesterday after a very tough day. Then when I got to A's she and I had a complete misunderstading. A thought I didn't want to stay and I thought she wanted me to go as she was standing int he doorway. The evening before A was saying that I shouldn;t feel obliged to stay and chat. My thoughts on what are happened are this - A was trying to read into things and decided to take it upon herself to make it OK for me not to stay and chat when actually I like staying and chatting. I also wondered if perhaps she wanted me out of the way so that a drink without any guilt was possible - yet I have no issue with anyone drinking. I can see that it's a real issue especially if it does come between other things. All that happens is as the drunkeness starts to move in I leave as there is little of the real person there to enjoy. And then I thought the reason A said she wouldn;t be around in the morning was because she might be tired after an evening drinking and not want me to see her. Mind you I am also aware that I get there very early now and it's a real intrusion on A's mornings. I wouold totally understand if she didn't want to get up or chat or both. Anyway, I came home feeling every rejected and a mind full of reasons why I wasn't good enough or a nuisance. Amidst the thoughts that I aroused anger towards A. The mix anger towards me then A then me. It always ends up with it being against me - I am a nuisance, too intrusive, taking advantage etc etc etc. This on top of feeling inadequate at work and very tired - well it escalated without an obvious dramatic development until this morning I just felt worthless, too scared to let anyone know (pride) and ....... shit I didn;t say goodbye to the client who is leaving this weekend. I wish I had made a point of it. Why did I just walk out like that without going over and wishing him well. I hope he returns to Aftercare.
Shit I am doing that on Tuesday with I I do believe.
Blah blah feeling too exhusted by my thinking. The truth is I am not certain about the future. I feel too proud to say it to anyone right now. I can say it on my blog. It's me and it's mine and I can.
Patterns I have observed about myself - oh that's apart from this complete lack of self belief.
- Blimey can't remember them now - knew I would forget. I am very very forgetful these last two days. So maybe some of my sudden mood change - even suicidal this morning - is linked with hormonal manoeuvres in the dark depths within!!!
Right I will try and write more tomorrow as I am very very very very tired of myself!
Night

Distant from everyone

This is a text I wrote this morning. I kept it because I thought I'd forget the thoughts I was having and the feelings at the time.

"Feeling distant from everyone as wrking full time and not as much me time. Know I will adjust but right now feeling lonely. Don't have all the connectivity of having local friends, work, meetings. This disconnected lifestyle is a pattern I always had until I settled with Simon or indeed each relationship with a man of the time and I would gradually feel shackled by it too but always had my mum as a secure base. Feels frightening. Will my friends be secure bases despite the locational distance and time delay between contact and that worthlessness and insecurity is a part of the relationship addiction behaviour. See some patterns of behaviour and some understanding of the motives and feel lonely, sad, frightened, insecure, relief from enlightenment, vulnerable, needy. Feel like a small child, trying to be a grown up and flitting between arrogance and worthlessness whilst trying to find me without losing me - selling my soul to the addict! Just needed to share."



Basically I noticed a pattern that tonight as I am so tired seems completely irrelevant. However the fear that friends will give up on me because I am not on their case all the time is real. When I meet with A it's good, I enjoy her company and we talk at a very honest and emotional level. However, we rarely speak between gatherings and I don't feel as close to her as I feel to E or M. But then I speak with them at least or nearly every day. With the email contact I have, I only feel like there's a real connection when there's very regular contact. It's so ducking needy I am realising. And I despise it when I get emails from those people that I sens a real neediness. Ugh people maybe despise hearing from me, especially if they are avoidants.



This evening I am

Not Abstinent

To whom do I owe amends? Wow that's a big question and now I am sitting here trying to create my list I can only think of a few people. I seem to think I need to have a long list. In fact some people I have already made amends to.
A big amends to myself. Never speaking my truth.
I am not abstinent with my food. I keep eating snacks now. I need to get honest with someone. I will get honest with A and S this evening during our work group.
I will send a text to V saying what has been happening. I would be really really surprised if some of tehse people are entirely honmest and are always abstinent but that's because I am not. It seems impossible. I know people think that about alcohol and drugs too.
Thing is I haven't had a drink or drug for nearly 8 years. Bloody hell. Who would have imagined. And I stil get embarrassed about being a bell - ringer. Blinmey talking of which I have realised that a lady who I thought was an old lady was actually in my year at school - at the same school! Blimey. Either she's aged fast or I'm doing remarkably well. Still another blimey! How did I find out. Well with this blinking reunion thing being organised there was a suggestion to send messages to a number of people on teh FRU site and then I got side-tracked looking at who was in contact with whom. V's porfile page mentioned bell-ringing and I also thought the photo looked familiar suddenly putting the two together. Duck-me! That's all I can say.
I left a message putting aside judgements and 'ism's. I am an ageist. I am not proud of this fact but I am and so I am working to put this aside. I would like to be more open and accepting of people. Mind you there are people who I don;t think are very nice people and so I can be friendly towards them but I don't have to spend lots of time with them.

This week at work - well the first day was fine. Confident and at home very quickly. Then I started doubting my abilities. Wanting to be able to see the connections like I and P. I have been comparing myself and not measuring up at all. I am very concerned about P leaving as I do feel a security there. I have been two-faced about A. She is a lovely lady but P and I are very damning of her but haven't been outspoken with her. Therefore I wouldn't trust anything they say really. So when they say I am good and dab etc it doesn;t really mean very much. A has said to F the Clinical Manager that I am good and that aslo doesn't mean much as I think she is very codeeeeee - join the f-ing club. Although I was very pleased with myself for saying how I was hoping to leave one of the clients with a feeling but A came in a changed that immediately. I don't think she had noticed what I had done as she was so intent on getting to the feelings. Actually that client has shifted so much it's amazing. Hope she stayed with it over the weekend.
I flaffed the 1-1 with the client I am keyworking. I have asked to sit in a 1-1 with P. I am just feeling I know nothing at all.
I feel under prssure at work and under pressure with my essay although very relieved to have today got the discussion element done. The easiest 600 words which worries me as I then think that I have not done it right at all. I still have about 1000 words to write and will do those tomorrow - then I need to print it all out. I haven't got a printer though! Ha. Should have used the OU money to buy one. Oh well. I might ask John what he thinks would be a good buy.
So I have been eating and I know it's feelings of pressure. I haven't been able to get byond these feelings - inadequacy is a big one I think for me. I am afraid. I don't like not being more than capable. I am not sure how to deal with this. I need not to eat and keep calling out.
E is all recoveried up and not hearing just saying stop thinking and so on. That's OK but ...... she has a point of course I do understand that but I do have a lot of thoughts going around and around and lots of feelings as a result. I thnk stopping thinking is a point to work towards first I need to process the thoughts and the feelings. There is a place for stopping it all and giving myself breaks I certainly agree.
Anyway A and S will be here soon so I am going to have my dinner now. They then can cook there's and we can get on with the Step work.
I would like to ask their help in how to behave and what to say to S if he should arrive at the hospital for an ex-client group. P says he wants to continue doing it and of course I have no prooblem with that. However I do have a problem with remaining composed and not getting all afraid and nervous. I think I will stutter and splutter. That happens when I feel inadeqaute and incompetent. I have tried to imagine how he will be. I think he probably won;t come into the office but who knows. He may wnat to put ownership on the P. After all it's the P he got sober in. That was a bit of a jab at him and his recovery taking inventory of where he's at!
Not my job or my perogative to do that as here I am eating snacks out of meal time. And a lot of them today.
I will have my evening meal - stir fry veg, cheese, pitta bread and yoghurt with fruit for pudding. That's it that's it that's it even when A and S have gone home. Please Higher Power help me to get my abstinence back please pleasr please. I want it. I don't have any clarity at all without it. I think I havebeen on a hormaonl carb drive this week too.
Not to mention all the emotions. Emotions I fnd troublesome to get through. Need to be sharing more and not about the clients about me