Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Scribblers scribbling in the scribblers room
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Slumped and dumb - the only action, chewing gum!
That there are planets where everyone knows each other's names? Where flying comes naturally to all? And some have moons that hum lullabies each night?
Yet as spectacular as the infinite choices are, would you further believe that there's still quite a queue, several moonbeams long, to get back "there"? Where for every heart beating, there's a legend in the making.
You have no idea.
"NEXT!"
The Universe
I am trying to remember that when I am irked or irritated by someone else it is something within me and that I would like to practice accepting peoples differences and be able to smile at their nuances.
I got very angry with a work collegue this week, V. It seemed to me that she was getting herself very involved with 2 of the female clients whilst PD was away. One was an anorexic and the other has some social services involved. V was spinning the tale to suit what she thoght we shpould be doing and un dermining what I was saying and organising. On Friday she came back into the team without knowing the full story and determined that things should be done her way, when out of the office she made decisions based on what she wanted us to be doing.
I didn;t have the full facts to hand so when I was angry I could not and did not want to make statements that were not accurate so let her argue her case onl. On Saturday I went abouet getting all the facts together.
I told her I was angry that she had made decisions against what was already organised and in place. I said it wasn;t about the detail but that I needed to express my anger and preference. I said that I could hear she had some impotant and good suggestions which I would pass on to pD.
When I gave her the facts she started then blmaing the Consultant Psychiatrist for not informeing her correctly. Grrrr - can feel my annoyance as I write this.
Anyway - what I realised is that the more V wanted to get involved and seemingly undermine me the less I listened to her suggestions and actually worked in the complete opposite manner. I was also worried about us getting too involved with something that could result in us making grave mistakes but can see in hindsight that we could really really offer some good support for our client.
I do not like how I acted throughout this even though at the end of the day I was accurate in my facts.
I want to learn from this please Universe. I need to think more on it and write more about it.
Today my Master set an assignment for me -
I would like you to use your iphone
(cam app, self timer, if you like stitch too) to make me a minimum of 5 pictures in very different approach, each of good quality, featuring your bare breasts.
At least one out of these should show you on all fours.
I need you to review each pic yourself, and pick favourites.
I would like these on sunday eve before we speak, through email.
I would like these on sunday eve before we speak, each in a seperate email.
Please let me know you received and understood, or feel free to ask me for any clarification.
On receiving such an assignment I have mixed feelings. I am excited about being asked to do something that potentially could please Master. At the same time there is all the fear of not being good enough and then also the use of the photos. I trust Master fully and know that he would not harm me in anyway and only do what is right for me us him.
Having looked through a blog recently of sexually explicit photos I did wonder if he wanted them to be used in this way.
Here are his comments on receipt of the completed assignment:
Mmm thank you for your efforts my love and slave-
There are some succesful pics there that I really love, thank you-
Here's what I think:
Flash is not a very good idea.. It is always too harsh and kills every sense of atmosphere.
I like the way you look in 'varried 060'- I love that you wear my collar and I love the view in your mirror- Too bad that your breasts dont show, but I like your butt, too- :)
I like Varried 61, too. and 56, although not entirely sharp.
I like you holding your breasts, very much- Wonder how it would look wihout the flash..
I have some suggestions:
Reclining on your sofa- probably legs up on some-
On all fours from different angles- lower, hightr, front, side, etc.- hollow your back please, no flash..)
Thank you my love and my slave, looking forward to seeing you soon-
I am surprised that being a slave is so arousing for me. I enjoyed taking the pictures even though I am anxious about how awful I look.
I am eager to learn how to please Master and will attempt to improve upon the photos for him.
I found looking through web pages with sexually explicit photos with Master and my love, very arousing indeed.
It was interesting discovering the photos he found pleasing and his reasons for it.
I have issues of insecurity that what he sees is what he would prefer other tyhan me and I do not fit the women he is looking at at all. My love and Master (Ithink we were mainy lovers at that time) commented on how some of the photos were aesthetically pleasing but some were because thats what he wanted from me or for himself.
I could relate.
I also found it embarrassing to try and say which ones I liked. I think the embarrassment is that by saying that I liked any might make me look peverted.
This is all very new territoty for me. But all of it is very sexually exciting.
WIw I am even finding writing this quite embarrassing. I am a novice at being so explicit about what pleases me or not.
I like being a salve as well as I have choice removed. I must do as required of me which takes me into realms of discovery - things I might balk at or say no to incase I was thought of as bad. The demand on me itself is exciting as well as the act involved. Master is very gentle with me I think.
I am being obedient again this week with my requrements - ie stroking myself whenever i visit the toilet.
I must drink water with coffee which goes against everything I have ever done!!!!!
Some times Master is more prominent than others.
I was advised by Snaga that with her lover/Master relationship she always has that she is slave and lover in mind in all instances.
I am trying to learn this.
Sometimes the slave is more prominent in me and at other times I am lover and in love and the slave is very quiet.
I feel very much the slave at the moment - waiting for Master to be available to see me. I feel love. But I also feel that I have few if any rights. It's amazing how this gets stronger the more sexually aroused I am.
It's as if I let go of control more. Master takes full power over me at this point. I would do anything and silence my enquiring mind too.
When I have wondered mometarily if Master is telling me openly about his day then as a lave I remember I have no right to know and then stop even the thinking. As lover the thought can linger and fester.
I know this is based on still learning to trust competely adn just as being open and honest entirely is a learning curve for my love JH, then for me to trust is a very very new experience, This all is taking time.
Trust I think is earnt. Behaviours and attitudes reveal the person and whether they are trustworthy.
I need to be gentle with myself and aloow myself to grow this with time and evidence.
Just funny though how as a slave I can know my lace instantly and curb the thinking.
I think this would make keeping a person in slave mode attractive but of course the love element would surely diminish?
It is an interesting journey that I am making. I am sure a lot of people would find this quite peverse or worrying. I find this completely differently.
Master is not cruel and there is nothing addictive about this entire relationship I believe.
I find it loving and lovely.
I am now waiting longingly for Master to summon me and my lover to be with me.
Bliss
X
I haven't had a handbag since oooooo 1980 something ....
Bliss, you know the way, you're strong enough, and you will prevail.
Otherwise, what would be the whole point?
The Universe
I don't carry a handbag. I haven't liked them for as long as I can remember. There is something so very, very girly about it. And I realise there are some really girly things that I just don't get pleasure from at all. I do wonder if it's because of the contempt I picked up from my dad towards women being women. He used to tell me that women were only good for one thing. I took that to mean sex of course. He sneered at women for snivelling as he called crying and for being weak. He was scathing about women being int he army and such things. So, no doubt that has been an influence. He told me when I was very young that he had never wanted children and that he especially didn't want a girl. Now it was undoubtedly true and his opinion but it wasn't appropriate to tell me as a little girl. I absorbed that so entirely that the very core of me exists as unwanted and worthless. It is hard to challenge the belief that sits in the very centre of my heart.
The point is not what I intended to write about. It's funny how a blank page instigates so much thought and energy.
Anyway, back to the handbag. There is another part of me that just can't be bothered with the whole carrying energy. It has to sit just right on the shoulder. I think my shoulders are shaped differently - maybe that contributes to not feeling girly too then. The flipping strap is always sliding off and I was forever having to slip the handle back up my shoulder. Plus I had this feeling of something on my shoulder all the time. And I was messy - everything went into the bag. I remember carrying my cigarettes (thank goodness I have given up - 6 years ago now! Well, 6 years ago next month I think) and there was always little bits of tobacco in the bottom of my bag and it would get on other things. Finding things in a hurry was impossible. Funnily enough I had a special place for fags and lighter - make sure I knew where my addictive substance was at all times and easy access for instant relief. So having a handbag was not at all convenient for me.
I don;t remember when but I decided not to have one and have been carrying everything in my hand. It has been a juggling act - now money and mobile phone mainly but at one time - money, phone, fags, lighter. I was forever dropping things. And friends get fed up with me because when out for an evening or even now just out for a walk or something, I always say can I put my things in your bag please?
Apparently K used to buy a bag large enough to take my things too. She actually prepared for an evening out with me in that way. I suspect there is some resentment from these people but they always say yes. So I have learnt not to be co dependant and if they say yes that's their own issue.
However, I know that I need to be responsible for my choice not to have a handbag.
Now there is also another thing - probably linked with my thoughts on what it is to be girly or female. It is that I am not fitting into a cliche. I like, really like it that I am not the same as everyone else. And rather than just to be content that I am unique as is everyone, I like these very open signs that I am slightly different. I like it when someone notices my nuances that really are making a statement.
This is a part but not the largest part. I really don;t like handbags. I barely even notice other peoples handbags apart from to wonder if it will take my money and mobile. I know it is such a fashion thing for many people but I don't even recognise the design,colour, etc. So it's more than just a statement by it's absence in my life. I am pleased about this as I really don;t want my choices to be run by ego and prefer that my steps are less in anger (i.e. rebellion against social ways) and more in simple personal preference.
This morning I spoke with ML. The last time I spoke with her was a very very quick phone call to tell her my mum was dead. Before that? Well her daughter is 20 something. We have had a brief encounter in that time maybe once of twice.
I tracker her down after years of having her in my mind. I occasionally glanced in various places for her and then suddenly I thought that maybe she would be on Facebook. Something actually triggered that thought - I think it was a combination of some cousins suddenly asking for friendship with me and then the whole International thing being so easy. Anyway I guess all these little things were formulating to slowly, slowly dawn on me to look for her there. She wasn't there of course and today I learnt that she "hates that thing". Wow it's lovely hearing a ML expression! :)
Anyway through a process of elimination or rather connection I located J who I believed to be her husband. I hoped that they were still together as I remember my mum once suspecting that ML was having an affair. My mum was attracted to drama as me he he.
Anyway the next thing is J accepted my FB friendship and sent an email with ML's mobile phone number. Wow. I sent her text and this morning we spoke. It was brief and at times I know she did not understand all I was saying.
She spoke a little about her children and her work and now non-work!
She asked a little about my mum which was lovely - no white elephants in the room. She also said that my dad had written to her telling of his circumstances i.e re-marrying I think I understood. Ugh it was horrid when she said she always loved my dad and was so upset with herself for never responding to him. I said that I am still angry with him for re-marrying like he did and Ml was so gracious when she said how she had always loved him and what he did he did but she was still so fond of him. At least that means he didn't do anything bad to her. I was always worried that he might or even at one time that they seemed far too close. Maybe I was just jealous as he was never like that with me - YUCH!!!!
Well I have sent my email address and we both said that we would like to keep in contact. She asked if I ever visit France and I said that i would love to visit her.
Oh happily her mum and dad are both alive and well. And G is living in Annecy with her parents. Gosh they must be very ancient now. I am so so pleased to reignite this contact.
I have known Ml since we were 12 or 13.
So then I telephoned my dad. He had left a message yesterday morning. Of course I felt guilty for not being in yet again and had to justify myself by explaining that I had been at work. Sometimes I don't feel the need to justify my guilt. And sometimes I recognise the guilt and can change it as I have actually done nothing wrong at all.
Gosh! My dad actually said that he felt proud of me in relation to my studying and how I have been doing. That's amazin. My dad has never said anything like that before. I am sure I prompted it last year when got angry but honest with him. The fact is that he said it. I could hear how difficult it was for him to say. I simply said thank you. He then went on to say he didn't know where I got it from - it wasn't from my mum or him is what he said. I immediately jumped to defend my mum and said that i thought mum was very clever and he was intelligent. He said thank you.
He has a real intelligence. He has a brain with potential but it seems that he has never realised his full potential. Or maybe for him he did being in the army and special forces etc. Maybe that was what he wanted. But for me he is shrouded in a lot of anger and pain and that has stopped him ever believeing in himself. He has been violent and aggressive in attitude in an attempt to try and keep something away or prove himself. I don;t know all that is behind this very shut off man. But if I look at him like I would a client it is apparent that a lot is going on underneath the very angry and at times nasty man. I wish for him that he finds peace within his soul. I hope that he can find contentment through life and not have to wait for death for the an guish to be removed. I hope he finds self forgiveness completely.
I cry as I weite that ebcause I know that I will never be a part of that contentment and forgiveness. I will not feature and have to find my own solace from all the things that he did to me as a child. I have to find forgiveness for him and for myself. It's hard and I lng for him to envelop me in proper fatherly love. BUT I can never aloow myself to get that close to him and what's more he will not let me anywhere near him.
He is but another human being on this planet. Somehow the Universe has worked it that there is this special feeling between children and parents - evolution - survival of the gene etc I am sure. Well it can be the downfall as well. OK so the gene has survived in me but the gene dies out in this strand as I have never ever wanted to have children and that's been contributed greatly by my own childhood. I have absolutely no regrets but it's irobnic how the evolutionary development of this "bonding" emotion actually can also work against the very purpose.
I did not pluck up the courage to ask for my dads finacial help. I want to borrow some money. I need my car MOT's, I would loike to have my hair cut and coloured, I need to pay a little debt I have accrued and am worried about and I want to start getting some savings back on track. Oh not to mention the irresponsible phone bill I have managed to run up. Anyway, I would like to asl my dad for help but have not got the courage because of what he might think!
I also men tione dto him about my fortcoming exam and how I am taking it at home. He enquired as to why but I did not tell him that it's special arrangements due to dyslexia etc. I believe that he would immediately be critical in a very negative manner and that would of course completely negate his feeling proud of me. He would think I cheat and am lesser a being etc etc. So i brushed it off as just the way of OU. He is not a stupid man and the lie or rather hiding of the truth will have been sensed anyway. Gosh! How many times do I say that to JH - I am afraid to be sho I am with my dad because he hates me so much already. Everything about me gives him more evidence that I am worhtless and to be hated.
Thank goodness I am growing out of this as me in the bigger world.I am pleased to be me and my whole truth. I am less and less aashamed of me.
This morning I was saying to JH how pleased I am that I have principles that I can hold for myself and I do not allow to be compromised just so that I am acceptable. And by holding this dear and important o me I can allow this dignity to others.
I get it Universe. I see how it works. Thank you. It's a pity it has to be learnt - it seems to me that living decently is not so easy to dio for many people I encounter. Does it really have to be experienced though such adversity. Or is it that some people do not need to pay attention as much as I do. They are just going along mainly in the white light? It's just the smaller number who see the black and the grey and have to keep turning to face the light?
Anyway, these two phone calls this morning raise again feelings from the past. Memories, reconnection, an array of emotions. It's gone, it's experiences, it's missing in some ways - not here today, things can never be re-hashed. Some things can be re-addressed but things with my mum for example can never be discussed or done differently with new knowledge. I miss her. Hers and my dads wedding anniversary was on 1st October - AGAIN! I didn't acknowledge it with my dad. Well after all he is married now to T. I have so much resentment towards her, him, them. Please Universe can you help me to let go of that.
I try to remember that I am grateful to her for looking after him. There was no way when my mum died was able to try and have a relationship with him. I was only just starting to pull away from his clutches and then start to look at the effects of my childhood with him So to then become involved because he was on his own. So it was good that he had already met her in some ways.
Grr there's another resentment - him and other women. He never had the decency to leave my mum and I - ignore her principles of monogamy and go behind her back. How disrespectful is that!! Do it by all means that's everyone's individual choice. But what irks me intensely is that people do it without respecting those with different principles and the only way they can do that is to lie. Let people with similar principles gather.
None of them I am actually judging. What I am judging is the deceit - pretending to be the same but not being. And there is an power game in that even if that's not a conscious thing. My dad kept my mum under false pretences. If he had been honest I truly believe my mum would have stood by him. However all her choices were removed by his deceit and deviousness. Grrr.
And T was a part of that. She knew he was married and that my mum was dying. No fucking decency in her. But what annoys me is not that but how fucking pious she proclaims to be. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I HATE HATE HATE the fucking pretence. Own it, be OK with who you are and if you have to hide it then fucking well change!!!!!! Don;t drag everyone else with you on a fucking lie.
Oh yes angry! Anyway not much acceptance and serenity yet as you can see.
I can rage about this. It taps straight into the rage that still exists of a little raped girl. Wow that rage is volcanic in me at times. I feel an energy that explodes within me. I recognise it and then can calm with gentle hugs and love for the little raging girl within me. I have to do it! I can get angry about that fact alone. But it's how it is. No one else can do it. The people that could - well my mum is dead and never seemed to know ow to and my dad - well he is the perpetrator. Nothing he says or does can take away from that.
I don't even think him owning up to is and saying sorry would be enough - well maybe.
Yes maybe it would but it would have to be a complete ownership - a half hearted something would mean little. After all he has half heartedly owned things in the past but then nothing changed. Yes that's it an ownership then a real display of a change in attitude and behaviour.
Oh I forget once again to say thank you and how much I appreciated as a little girl how he supported my horse riding. And he really did. If it had been up to my mum I would never have gone and then never achieved what I did. I loved my horse riding and my horse and yes just the whole environment. Thank you dad.
I have more to write - work, ET. Another Post
Bliss
Otherwise, what would be the whole point?
The Universe
I don't carry a handbag. I haven't liked them for as long as I can remember. There is something so very, very girly about it. And I realise there are some really girly things that I just don't get pleasure from at all. I do wonder if it's because of the contempt I picked up from my dad towards women being women. He used to tell me that women were only good for one thing. I took that to mean sex of course. He sneered at women for snivelling as he called crying and for being weak. He was scathing about women being int he army and such things. So, no doubt that has been an influence. He told me when I was very young that he had never wanted children and that he especially didn't want a girl. Now it was undoubtedly true and his opinion but it wasn't appropriate to tell me as a little girl. I absorbed that so entirely that the very core of me exists as unwanted and worthless. It is hard to challenge the belief that sits in the very centre of my heart.
The point is not what I intended to write about. It's funny how a blank page instigates so much thought and energy.
Anyway, back to the handbag. There is another part of me that just can't be bothered with the whole carrying energy. It has to sit just right on the shoulder. I think my shoulders are shaped differently - maybe that contributes to not feeling girly too then. The flipping strap is always sliding off and I was forever having to slip the handle back up my shoulder. Plus I had this feeling of something on my shoulder all the time. And I was messy - everything went into the bag. I remember carrying my cigarettes (thank goodness I have given up - 6 years ago now! Well, 6 years ago next month I think) and there was always little bits of tobacco in the bottom of my bag and it would get on other things. Finding things in a hurry was impossible. Funnily enough I had a special place for fags and lighter - make sure I knew where my addictive substance was at all times and easy access for instant relief. So having a handbag was not at all convenient for me.
I don;t remember when but I decided not to have one and have been carrying everything in my hand. It has been a juggling act - now money and mobile phone mainly but at one time - money, phone, fags, lighter. I was forever dropping things. And friends get fed up with me because when out for an evening or even now just out for a walk or something, I always say can I put my things in your bag please?
Apparently K used to buy a bag large enough to take my things too. She actually prepared for an evening out with me in that way. I suspect there is some resentment from these people but they always say yes. So I have learnt not to be co dependant and if they say yes that's their own issue.
However, I know that I need to be responsible for my choice not to have a handbag.
Now there is also another thing - probably linked with my thoughts on what it is to be girly or female. It is that I am not fitting into a cliche. I like, really like it that I am not the same as everyone else. And rather than just to be content that I am unique as is everyone, I like these very open signs that I am slightly different. I like it when someone notices my nuances that really are making a statement.
This is a part but not the largest part. I really don;t like handbags. I barely even notice other peoples handbags apart from to wonder if it will take my money and mobile. I know it is such a fashion thing for many people but I don't even recognise the design,colour, etc. So it's more than just a statement by it's absence in my life. I am pleased about this as I really don;t want my choices to be run by ego and prefer that my steps are less in anger (i.e. rebellion against social ways) and more in simple personal preference.
This morning I spoke with ML. The last time I spoke with her was a very very quick phone call to tell her my mum was dead. Before that? Well her daughter is 20 something. We have had a brief encounter in that time maybe once of twice.
I tracker her down after years of having her in my mind. I occasionally glanced in various places for her and then suddenly I thought that maybe she would be on Facebook. Something actually triggered that thought - I think it was a combination of some cousins suddenly asking for friendship with me and then the whole International thing being so easy. Anyway I guess all these little things were formulating to slowly, slowly dawn on me to look for her there. She wasn't there of course and today I learnt that she "hates that thing". Wow it's lovely hearing a ML expression! :)
Anyway through a process of elimination or rather connection I located J who I believed to be her husband. I hoped that they were still together as I remember my mum once suspecting that ML was having an affair. My mum was attracted to drama as me he he.
Anyway the next thing is J accepted my FB friendship and sent an email with ML's mobile phone number. Wow. I sent her text and this morning we spoke. It was brief and at times I know she did not understand all I was saying.
She spoke a little about her children and her work and now non-work!
She asked a little about my mum which was lovely - no white elephants in the room. She also said that my dad had written to her telling of his circumstances i.e re-marrying I think I understood. Ugh it was horrid when she said she always loved my dad and was so upset with herself for never responding to him. I said that I am still angry with him for re-marrying like he did and Ml was so gracious when she said how she had always loved him and what he did he did but she was still so fond of him. At least that means he didn't do anything bad to her. I was always worried that he might or even at one time that they seemed far too close. Maybe I was just jealous as he was never like that with me - YUCH!!!!
Well I have sent my email address and we both said that we would like to keep in contact. She asked if I ever visit France and I said that i would love to visit her.
Oh happily her mum and dad are both alive and well. And G is living in Annecy with her parents. Gosh they must be very ancient now. I am so so pleased to reignite this contact.
I have known Ml since we were 12 or 13.
So then I telephoned my dad. He had left a message yesterday morning. Of course I felt guilty for not being in yet again and had to justify myself by explaining that I had been at work. Sometimes I don't feel the need to justify my guilt. And sometimes I recognise the guilt and can change it as I have actually done nothing wrong at all.
Gosh! My dad actually said that he felt proud of me in relation to my studying and how I have been doing. That's amazin. My dad has never said anything like that before. I am sure I prompted it last year when got angry but honest with him. The fact is that he said it. I could hear how difficult it was for him to say. I simply said thank you. He then went on to say he didn't know where I got it from - it wasn't from my mum or him is what he said. I immediately jumped to defend my mum and said that i thought mum was very clever and he was intelligent. He said thank you.
He has a real intelligence. He has a brain with potential but it seems that he has never realised his full potential. Or maybe for him he did being in the army and special forces etc. Maybe that was what he wanted. But for me he is shrouded in a lot of anger and pain and that has stopped him ever believeing in himself. He has been violent and aggressive in attitude in an attempt to try and keep something away or prove himself. I don;t know all that is behind this very shut off man. But if I look at him like I would a client it is apparent that a lot is going on underneath the very angry and at times nasty man. I wish for him that he finds peace within his soul. I hope that he can find contentment through life and not have to wait for death for the an guish to be removed. I hope he finds self forgiveness completely.
I cry as I weite that ebcause I know that I will never be a part of that contentment and forgiveness. I will not feature and have to find my own solace from all the things that he did to me as a child. I have to find forgiveness for him and for myself. It's hard and I lng for him to envelop me in proper fatherly love. BUT I can never aloow myself to get that close to him and what's more he will not let me anywhere near him.
He is but another human being on this planet. Somehow the Universe has worked it that there is this special feeling between children and parents - evolution - survival of the gene etc I am sure. Well it can be the downfall as well. OK so the gene has survived in me but the gene dies out in this strand as I have never ever wanted to have children and that's been contributed greatly by my own childhood. I have absolutely no regrets but it's irobnic how the evolutionary development of this "bonding" emotion actually can also work against the very purpose.
I did not pluck up the courage to ask for my dads finacial help. I want to borrow some money. I need my car MOT's, I would loike to have my hair cut and coloured, I need to pay a little debt I have accrued and am worried about and I want to start getting some savings back on track. Oh not to mention the irresponsible phone bill I have managed to run up. Anyway, I would like to asl my dad for help but have not got the courage because of what he might think!
I also men tione dto him about my fortcoming exam and how I am taking it at home. He enquired as to why but I did not tell him that it's special arrangements due to dyslexia etc. I believe that he would immediately be critical in a very negative manner and that would of course completely negate his feeling proud of me. He would think I cheat and am lesser a being etc etc. So i brushed it off as just the way of OU. He is not a stupid man and the lie or rather hiding of the truth will have been sensed anyway. Gosh! How many times do I say that to JH - I am afraid to be sho I am with my dad because he hates me so much already. Everything about me gives him more evidence that I am worhtless and to be hated.
Thank goodness I am growing out of this as me in the bigger world.I am pleased to be me and my whole truth. I am less and less aashamed of me.
This morning I was saying to JH how pleased I am that I have principles that I can hold for myself and I do not allow to be compromised just so that I am acceptable. And by holding this dear and important o me I can allow this dignity to others.
I get it Universe. I see how it works. Thank you. It's a pity it has to be learnt - it seems to me that living decently is not so easy to dio for many people I encounter. Does it really have to be experienced though such adversity. Or is it that some people do not need to pay attention as much as I do. They are just going along mainly in the white light? It's just the smaller number who see the black and the grey and have to keep turning to face the light?
Anyway, these two phone calls this morning raise again feelings from the past. Memories, reconnection, an array of emotions. It's gone, it's experiences, it's missing in some ways - not here today, things can never be re-hashed. Some things can be re-addressed but things with my mum for example can never be discussed or done differently with new knowledge. I miss her. Hers and my dads wedding anniversary was on 1st October - AGAIN! I didn't acknowledge it with my dad. Well after all he is married now to T. I have so much resentment towards her, him, them. Please Universe can you help me to let go of that.
I try to remember that I am grateful to her for looking after him. There was no way when my mum died was able to try and have a relationship with him. I was only just starting to pull away from his clutches and then start to look at the effects of my childhood with him So to then become involved because he was on his own. So it was good that he had already met her in some ways.
Grr there's another resentment - him and other women. He never had the decency to leave my mum and I - ignore her principles of monogamy and go behind her back. How disrespectful is that!! Do it by all means that's everyone's individual choice. But what irks me intensely is that people do it without respecting those with different principles and the only way they can do that is to lie. Let people with similar principles gather.
None of them I am actually judging. What I am judging is the deceit - pretending to be the same but not being. And there is an power game in that even if that's not a conscious thing. My dad kept my mum under false pretences. If he had been honest I truly believe my mum would have stood by him. However all her choices were removed by his deceit and deviousness. Grrr.
And T was a part of that. She knew he was married and that my mum was dying. No fucking decency in her. But what annoys me is not that but how fucking pious she proclaims to be. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. I HATE HATE HATE the fucking pretence. Own it, be OK with who you are and if you have to hide it then fucking well change!!!!!! Don;t drag everyone else with you on a fucking lie.
Oh yes angry! Anyway not much acceptance and serenity yet as you can see.
I can rage about this. It taps straight into the rage that still exists of a little raped girl. Wow that rage is volcanic in me at times. I feel an energy that explodes within me. I recognise it and then can calm with gentle hugs and love for the little raging girl within me. I have to do it! I can get angry about that fact alone. But it's how it is. No one else can do it. The people that could - well my mum is dead and never seemed to know ow to and my dad - well he is the perpetrator. Nothing he says or does can take away from that.
I don't even think him owning up to is and saying sorry would be enough - well maybe.
Yes maybe it would but it would have to be a complete ownership - a half hearted something would mean little. After all he has half heartedly owned things in the past but then nothing changed. Yes that's it an ownership then a real display of a change in attitude and behaviour.
Oh I forget once again to say thank you and how much I appreciated as a little girl how he supported my horse riding. And he really did. If it had been up to my mum I would never have gone and then never achieved what I did. I loved my horse riding and my horse and yes just the whole environment. Thank you dad.
I have more to write - work, ET. Another Post
Bliss
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Flying nuns
Would you believe, Bliss, that here, in the unseen, just a breath away from "there," in time and space, we have gardens with such sweet fragrances they actually caress passersby? That we have melodies so rich you can actually see them dancing through the air? And colors so exquisite they tickle all of your senses?
That there are planets where everyone knows each other's names? Where flying comes naturally to all? And some have moons that hum lullabies each night?
Yet as spectacular as the infinite choices are, would you further believe that there's still quite a queue, several moonbeams long, to get back "there"? Where for every heart beating, there's a legend in the making.
You have no idea.
"NEXT!"
The Universe
That there are planets where everyone knows each other's names? Where flying comes naturally to all? And some have moons that hum lullabies each night?
Yet as spectacular as the infinite choices are, would you further believe that there's still quite a queue, several moonbeams long, to get back "there"? Where for every heart beating, there's a legend in the making.
You have no idea.
"NEXT!"
The Universe
Saturday, 18 September 2010
The Tide That Left and Never Came Back
I stole that titel from a song title. Not keen on the song but love this line ....
I have a memory like this . I can not for example keep in mind Astor Piazola. I love his music. Tango.
A dance of passion - the push and pull of love and life.
My love and Master JH talks about us dancing this dance. I feel that as we weave together and step asde and follow and encourage and engage then falter or differ. Wow it's intricate and special.
I feel that passion through my essence.
More to write
Got to go - collecting my new Iphone - exciting!
Oh and calling my lovely lovely friend L
I have a memory like this . I can not for example keep in mind Astor Piazola. I love his music. Tango.
A dance of passion - the push and pull of love and life.
My love and Master JH talks about us dancing this dance. I feel that as we weave together and step asde and follow and encourage and engage then falter or differ. Wow it's intricate and special.
I feel that passion through my essence.
More to write
Got to go - collecting my new Iphone - exciting!
Oh and calling my lovely lovely friend L
Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Everybody, Anybody, Somebody, Nobody
There was a most important job that needed to be done,
And no reason NOT to do it, there was absolutely none.
But in vital matters such as this the thing you have to ask,
is WHO exactly will it be who’ll carry out this task.
ANYBODY could have told you that EVERYBODY knew,
that this was something SOMEBODY would surely have to do.
NOBODY was unwilling, ANYBODY had the ability,
but NOBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
It seemed to be a job that ANYBODY could have done,
If ANYBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
But since EVERYBODY recognized that ANYBODY could,
EVERYBODY took for granted that SOMEBODY would.
But NOBODY told ANYBODY that we are aware of,
That he would be in charge of seeing it was taken care of.
And NOBODY took it on himself to follow through and DO,
What EVERYBODY thought that SOMEBODY would do.
When what EVERYBODY needs so did not get done at all,
EVERYBODY was complaining that SOMEBODY dropped the ball.
ANYBODY then could see it was an awful crying shame,
And EVERYBODY looked around for SOMEBODY to blame.
SOMEBODY should have done the job and EVERYBODY would have,
But in the end NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have
I just thought of this when thinking about ego - my ego! How at times still it is so important to be a somebody
It's also ironic that I write away here or journal ling. Sometimes going around in circles. Rambling on in my attempt to understand or see sense. Just to get things on paper lest I should forget.
Then there are times these days when just through stopping and thinking things through I get some clarity on me and my process - but by the time I come to write it, I can so clearly see the result of the journey that I have no clear vision of the steps taken and the clouds at the time.
Ironic.
Oh I think last night I was bitten by a spider. I felt a real sting in my knee. This was in bed!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Beginning to sound like a horror film.
Anyhow I noticed this stinging sensation in my knee (under the duvet). I rubbed it. I was stinging through the evening. And today it's been irritating. When I touch my knee it feels sort of damp weirdly. And the sensation is more like a nettle sting. I pulled back my duvet this evening and there was a really crumpled up dead spider. YUch yuch yuch yuch yuch yuch!!!! Got the eeeby jeeeebies just writing that. It reminds me of my horror feelings when at aged 7 I woke up with an itch across my face only to discover a beetle or a spider crawling off me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaRGH!
So studying my knee more carefully I notice that there is a central bite or reddish bump - not big and then around that little bumps like a nettle sting. It feels itchy but when I touch it it is sore and this sort of wet feel to it.
This is not the point of my writing just an aside that is full of eeby jeeby feelings and pain.
Yesterday - the outcome was that I realised that I needed to adjust the ways in which I was attempting to "manage" a colleague who I was finding particularly annoying. Before I got to this point I have felt very very annoyed with her. Judging her as lazy, and generally slow on the uptake.
How I see this now as I am writing it of course is with the knowledge of hindsight and self exploration but not how I was seeing things in the early stages. I am finding it difficult to write this pretending I am in the ignorance of the events. I want to record it however as a reminder.
The day of the presentation. I was very tired too after another late night speaking about painful matters with my love and Master JH. So different situations were being translated into a feeling of stress an d everything seemed to have an urgency for me.
The personal situation and ongoing questions in my head. A late night and little sleep following that anyway. First day of Peter being on holiday and the sense of wanting to do a good job but the fear of failure. The fast approaching presentation. A busy day anyway with the normal schedule. Demands from different departments within the hospital. New clients arriving and needing inductions etc.
With peter being on holiday I felt the very real presence of a disorganised pile of things to be done and the horrid feeling I get when I am not sure what is in the pile. I start reading through and organising different piles with the intention of prioritising and then each one looks like a quick and simple priority so I end up trying to do several things at once but doing none and now have several unsorted piles. Grrrrrrr.
I was also wanting some time to go through the slides and make sure I knew the points I wanted to make with each slide. But every time I stopped to think, I had the P pile spreading across my desk, phone calls coming in and staff to organise. Plus I started feeling codependently about needing them to deal with all the client group work. BUT THEN ....... der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
AW got all huffy and puffy and repeating how busy it was and umming and ahhhing - sigh sigh sigh at every little thing that needed to be done!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr. I started getting more than irritated. I was beginning to stew - just a light bubbling under the surface but could feel it developing. Tiredness and stress, anxiety and disorganisation all mixing nicely and now anger too.
I displayed my intolerance and patience I think. I am not sure how now but I kept trying to check myself so that my attitude did not show too much.
Actually I can feel it right now. There were simple things to do that are done for every client but AW was tutting and commenting on how she would try but she is so busy. I was thinking yes and so am i and about 10 times as much as you are you lazy moo. I just get irritated because she has been there about 3 centuries and still I know more than her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I asked her to be the keyworker for a client and she tutted and protested so much. I just tried to hold my tongue. She is so flipping selfish. It's all about her and how busy she is. Actually she checks herself a little now saying "and I know we are all busy". I don't get it really. She wants the tempo to be slow and easy all of the time and is not prepared to up the pace at all when it gets busier again. I find this lazy and selfish. She will do no more than she ever has done even though everyone else will then have to be working harder. Then I think well maybe she has it right. She works at an even pace and is boundaried with her time management. But she will not give anything that little bit extra. Plus it's not just extra she doesn't do. She moans about the basic procedures. She will give nothing!!!
See how angry I am about this tee hee - laughing at myself now. And there I was thinking I was all serene and spiritual and on the other side of self awareness HA!!
However, when a little later I went with almost finding a solution to the keyworker problem so that I made it easy for her, she had had a re-think and so was able to manage after all. I think sometimes she thinks things will be worse than they actually are. Oh and flipping astonishing that with all this steady work pace I do not see a healthy being. I think she has a lot of ways in which she avoids dealing with her issues. She is not in the least bit serene. Wow! There's a judgement.
So blah de blah! It went on like this until finally I was in the car on the way to the presentation. I knew that I needed to clear the manic morning out of my head if I was going to be able to focus on the presentation.
So I started with all of the above. And then I started thinking of how fearful AW seems to be. I don;t know if this is the case and I feel certain but of course cannot be, that she would never own fear about what has to be done. The computer, her ongoing uncertainty about procedures oh and so on and so on. The detail is irrelevant now. Whatever is going on she does not want to bu pushed or stretched at all. There is no team work attitude in this of course because she will happily continue like this regardless of the how the rest of the team get stretched.
So by stopping and identifying my anger and my thoughts I started to step aside from it. I could see fear and avoidance as a result (as I have mentioned). And I could see also how my various stresses were meaning that I wanted everyone to speed up and work at my pace, be efficient, take responsibility, be a part of making it all run smoothly (contributing to my own fear of failing and wanting everything to run smoothly under my management - yes I now ego, self importance, selfishness too), and so on. I am sure there were more motives and intentions driving me but these are the ones in my mind at this moment.
The more I thought about the entire thing the more I realised that actually (surprise, surprise) I can have all these opinions and frustrations but I cannot change AW. What I do have instead is a familiar pattern with her. Things like computers, extra workloads, working systems throw her. I still think she has a lazy tendency by the way.
So rather than leave her out of the loop to avoid all my resentment and get the job done properly by someone else who can pull out the stops, I need to find a different way of managing her. Now I am not her manager of course so have no rights as such. But I am asked to oversee the entire operation in P's absence.
Oh and that unequal treatment I mentioned just above was a common problem I had throughout my management - avoiding utilising the lazy incompetent one/s which meant the very abled were more pressurised as they took n more work. So unfair of me. Bad management. It happens a lot of course but not good management nonetheless.
Accepting Aw as she is is the first stage of then finding out how I can change around her - and so the initial realistion that I need to adjust so that I can find ways to help her get the work done without shifting too much onto others.
So today ? Got straight back into the grrrrrrr's. She grumped about the office a bit. sighing huffily often. But she did get on with some of the things that she had been reluctant to do. I didn't adjust myself much but I can see why - once again I had piles of work and so stressing about getting my workloads sorted so that i can feel calmer to then support her. Interesting - not sure how to balance this yet.
I don't know why I am trying so hard to improve this as I do no ever ever ever want to be a manager again on a full time basis.
Now this brings me onto another issue with myself. I am moaning a lot about how busy I am and how I don;t want this post or rather I would like to use it to negotiate and increase etc etc etc - moan moan moan.
BUT
Flipping EGO - how I dislike ego. It's all ego talking.
The moaning gives me a chance to let people know that I am so so valued that "they" want me to be the stand in manager. Yuch I am hating owning this.
It makes me important and valued and a somebody.
Universe please help me to be OK being another bod on the bus and not needing to peacock myself around.
I am OK as I am. I can do my best to help manage the office in P's absence. I do not do it alone. S is a real help and I miss her when she is not in - like today. I do not acknowledge that to others enough in case they do not think I am actually as capable as I want them to think I am.
J and A are of course doing their job too. We all have a huge input in different ways and have different values that are making it all work.
I do not need to be THE one and everyone else just does it because of ME.
So anyway - I want to remember to thank each and every person for specifics that they do. I want to be able to support anyone to do things they need to be doing even when they are finding it difficult. That does not mean doing it myself and moaning about it or delegating it to someone else - it means finding ways to make it possible for them to undertake their responsibilities.
I would like to find ways of stopping acting out on my intolerances and impatience and be level and equal with everyone.
The funny thing about ego driving the day is that any compliments that do come in, I internally have to disregard because actually I am lacking in any self worth when ego is at play. Ego actually falsifies me into grandiosity so making compliments unbelievable. Not sure how else to word that to make sense of it.
Anyway, I do work with a very talented group of people. Really each and everyone brings something to the team. AW to me and this just a personal opinion contributes the least to me on a professional basis. But on a personal basis, I think she is a very lovely lady. I think she has a lot of issues that she implies are dealt with. But in my opinion which can very often be wrong, she has issues that leave her afraid of the world in many ways. She seems to have this need to let everyone know what is GREAT in her life. She has led a very interesting and adventurous life but she can never let anyone have their moment of glory. She always has to take it away talking about herself. It suggests to me some degree of insecurity - it's not just relating or even acknowledging - it's all about her. Its very damned irritating for me yet I can recognise the need and therefore wonder what is really driving this for her. And then I feel compassion for her. I wish I had the courage to feed this back. I have attempted to say how I feel about other situations in the past but she is very very fragile and still even a year later refers back to such moments and I can hear how she thinks she is being judged and wants to prove she is right.
Ugh that need to be right - listen to me!!!!!! I suspect everyone at times would like to be right as this helps build confidence apparently.
However I do not need to be right to be an OK person. Actually the less right I am the more teachable I can keep myself.
So tomorrow Universe please can you help me with all of this.
from another bod on the bus of Bliss
And no reason NOT to do it, there was absolutely none.
But in vital matters such as this the thing you have to ask,
is WHO exactly will it be who’ll carry out this task.
ANYBODY could have told you that EVERYBODY knew,
that this was something SOMEBODY would surely have to do.
NOBODY was unwilling, ANYBODY had the ability,
but NOBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
It seemed to be a job that ANYBODY could have done,
If ANYBODY thought he was supposed to be the one.
But since EVERYBODY recognized that ANYBODY could,
EVERYBODY took for granted that SOMEBODY would.
But NOBODY told ANYBODY that we are aware of,
That he would be in charge of seeing it was taken care of.
And NOBODY took it on himself to follow through and DO,
What EVERYBODY thought that SOMEBODY would do.
When what EVERYBODY needs so did not get done at all,
EVERYBODY was complaining that SOMEBODY dropped the ball.
ANYBODY then could see it was an awful crying shame,
And EVERYBODY looked around for SOMEBODY to blame.
SOMEBODY should have done the job and EVERYBODY would have,
But in the end NOBODY did what ANYBODY could have
I just thought of this when thinking about ego - my ego! How at times still it is so important to be a somebody
It's also ironic that I write away here or journal ling. Sometimes going around in circles. Rambling on in my attempt to understand or see sense. Just to get things on paper lest I should forget.
Then there are times these days when just through stopping and thinking things through I get some clarity on me and my process - but by the time I come to write it, I can so clearly see the result of the journey that I have no clear vision of the steps taken and the clouds at the time.
Ironic.
Oh I think last night I was bitten by a spider. I felt a real sting in my knee. This was in bed!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Beginning to sound like a horror film.
Anyhow I noticed this stinging sensation in my knee (under the duvet). I rubbed it. I was stinging through the evening. And today it's been irritating. When I touch my knee it feels sort of damp weirdly. And the sensation is more like a nettle sting. I pulled back my duvet this evening and there was a really crumpled up dead spider. YUch yuch yuch yuch yuch yuch!!!! Got the eeeby jeeeebies just writing that. It reminds me of my horror feelings when at aged 7 I woke up with an itch across my face only to discover a beetle or a spider crawling off me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaRGH!
So studying my knee more carefully I notice that there is a central bite or reddish bump - not big and then around that little bumps like a nettle sting. It feels itchy but when I touch it it is sore and this sort of wet feel to it.
This is not the point of my writing just an aside that is full of eeby jeeby feelings and pain.
Yesterday - the outcome was that I realised that I needed to adjust the ways in which I was attempting to "manage" a colleague who I was finding particularly annoying. Before I got to this point I have felt very very annoyed with her. Judging her as lazy, and generally slow on the uptake.
How I see this now as I am writing it of course is with the knowledge of hindsight and self exploration but not how I was seeing things in the early stages. I am finding it difficult to write this pretending I am in the ignorance of the events. I want to record it however as a reminder.
The day of the presentation. I was very tired too after another late night speaking about painful matters with my love and Master JH. So different situations were being translated into a feeling of stress an d everything seemed to have an urgency for me.
The personal situation and ongoing questions in my head. A late night and little sleep following that anyway. First day of Peter being on holiday and the sense of wanting to do a good job but the fear of failure. The fast approaching presentation. A busy day anyway with the normal schedule. Demands from different departments within the hospital. New clients arriving and needing inductions etc.
With peter being on holiday I felt the very real presence of a disorganised pile of things to be done and the horrid feeling I get when I am not sure what is in the pile. I start reading through and organising different piles with the intention of prioritising and then each one looks like a quick and simple priority so I end up trying to do several things at once but doing none and now have several unsorted piles. Grrrrrrr.
I was also wanting some time to go through the slides and make sure I knew the points I wanted to make with each slide. But every time I stopped to think, I had the P pile spreading across my desk, phone calls coming in and staff to organise. Plus I started feeling codependently about needing them to deal with all the client group work. BUT THEN ....... der der derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
AW got all huffy and puffy and repeating how busy it was and umming and ahhhing - sigh sigh sigh at every little thing that needed to be done!!!!!! Grrrrrrrr. I started getting more than irritated. I was beginning to stew - just a light bubbling under the surface but could feel it developing. Tiredness and stress, anxiety and disorganisation all mixing nicely and now anger too.
I displayed my intolerance and patience I think. I am not sure how now but I kept trying to check myself so that my attitude did not show too much.
Actually I can feel it right now. There were simple things to do that are done for every client but AW was tutting and commenting on how she would try but she is so busy. I was thinking yes and so am i and about 10 times as much as you are you lazy moo. I just get irritated because she has been there about 3 centuries and still I know more than her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then I asked her to be the keyworker for a client and she tutted and protested so much. I just tried to hold my tongue. She is so flipping selfish. It's all about her and how busy she is. Actually she checks herself a little now saying "and I know we are all busy". I don't get it really. She wants the tempo to be slow and easy all of the time and is not prepared to up the pace at all when it gets busier again. I find this lazy and selfish. She will do no more than she ever has done even though everyone else will then have to be working harder. Then I think well maybe she has it right. She works at an even pace and is boundaried with her time management. But she will not give anything that little bit extra. Plus it's not just extra she doesn't do. She moans about the basic procedures. She will give nothing!!!
See how angry I am about this tee hee - laughing at myself now. And there I was thinking I was all serene and spiritual and on the other side of self awareness HA!!
However, when a little later I went with almost finding a solution to the keyworker problem so that I made it easy for her, she had had a re-think and so was able to manage after all. I think sometimes she thinks things will be worse than they actually are. Oh and flipping astonishing that with all this steady work pace I do not see a healthy being. I think she has a lot of ways in which she avoids dealing with her issues. She is not in the least bit serene. Wow! There's a judgement.
So blah de blah! It went on like this until finally I was in the car on the way to the presentation. I knew that I needed to clear the manic morning out of my head if I was going to be able to focus on the presentation.
So I started with all of the above. And then I started thinking of how fearful AW seems to be. I don;t know if this is the case and I feel certain but of course cannot be, that she would never own fear about what has to be done. The computer, her ongoing uncertainty about procedures oh and so on and so on. The detail is irrelevant now. Whatever is going on she does not want to bu pushed or stretched at all. There is no team work attitude in this of course because she will happily continue like this regardless of the how the rest of the team get stretched.
So by stopping and identifying my anger and my thoughts I started to step aside from it. I could see fear and avoidance as a result (as I have mentioned). And I could see also how my various stresses were meaning that I wanted everyone to speed up and work at my pace, be efficient, take responsibility, be a part of making it all run smoothly (contributing to my own fear of failing and wanting everything to run smoothly under my management - yes I now ego, self importance, selfishness too), and so on. I am sure there were more motives and intentions driving me but these are the ones in my mind at this moment.
The more I thought about the entire thing the more I realised that actually (surprise, surprise) I can have all these opinions and frustrations but I cannot change AW. What I do have instead is a familiar pattern with her. Things like computers, extra workloads, working systems throw her. I still think she has a lazy tendency by the way.
So rather than leave her out of the loop to avoid all my resentment and get the job done properly by someone else who can pull out the stops, I need to find a different way of managing her. Now I am not her manager of course so have no rights as such. But I am asked to oversee the entire operation in P's absence.
Oh and that unequal treatment I mentioned just above was a common problem I had throughout my management - avoiding utilising the lazy incompetent one/s which meant the very abled were more pressurised as they took n more work. So unfair of me. Bad management. It happens a lot of course but not good management nonetheless.
Accepting Aw as she is is the first stage of then finding out how I can change around her - and so the initial realistion that I need to adjust so that I can find ways to help her get the work done without shifting too much onto others.
So today ? Got straight back into the grrrrrrr's. She grumped about the office a bit. sighing huffily often. But she did get on with some of the things that she had been reluctant to do. I didn't adjust myself much but I can see why - once again I had piles of work and so stressing about getting my workloads sorted so that i can feel calmer to then support her. Interesting - not sure how to balance this yet.
I don't know why I am trying so hard to improve this as I do no ever ever ever want to be a manager again on a full time basis.
Now this brings me onto another issue with myself. I am moaning a lot about how busy I am and how I don;t want this post or rather I would like to use it to negotiate and increase etc etc etc - moan moan moan.
BUT
Flipping EGO - how I dislike ego. It's all ego talking.
The moaning gives me a chance to let people know that I am so so valued that "they" want me to be the stand in manager. Yuch I am hating owning this.
It makes me important and valued and a somebody.
Universe please help me to be OK being another bod on the bus and not needing to peacock myself around.
I am OK as I am. I can do my best to help manage the office in P's absence. I do not do it alone. S is a real help and I miss her when she is not in - like today. I do not acknowledge that to others enough in case they do not think I am actually as capable as I want them to think I am.
J and A are of course doing their job too. We all have a huge input in different ways and have different values that are making it all work.
I do not need to be THE one and everyone else just does it because of ME.
So anyway - I want to remember to thank each and every person for specifics that they do. I want to be able to support anyone to do things they need to be doing even when they are finding it difficult. That does not mean doing it myself and moaning about it or delegating it to someone else - it means finding ways to make it possible for them to undertake their responsibilities.
I would like to find ways of stopping acting out on my intolerances and impatience and be level and equal with everyone.
The funny thing about ego driving the day is that any compliments that do come in, I internally have to disregard because actually I am lacking in any self worth when ego is at play. Ego actually falsifies me into grandiosity so making compliments unbelievable. Not sure how else to word that to make sense of it.
Anyway, I do work with a very talented group of people. Really each and everyone brings something to the team. AW to me and this just a personal opinion contributes the least to me on a professional basis. But on a personal basis, I think she is a very lovely lady. I think she has a lot of issues that she implies are dealt with. But in my opinion which can very often be wrong, she has issues that leave her afraid of the world in many ways. She seems to have this need to let everyone know what is GREAT in her life. She has led a very interesting and adventurous life but she can never let anyone have their moment of glory. She always has to take it away talking about herself. It suggests to me some degree of insecurity - it's not just relating or even acknowledging - it's all about her. Its very damned irritating for me yet I can recognise the need and therefore wonder what is really driving this for her. And then I feel compassion for her. I wish I had the courage to feed this back. I have attempted to say how I feel about other situations in the past but she is very very fragile and still even a year later refers back to such moments and I can hear how she thinks she is being judged and wants to prove she is right.
Ugh that need to be right - listen to me!!!!!! I suspect everyone at times would like to be right as this helps build confidence apparently.
However I do not need to be right to be an OK person. Actually the less right I am the more teachable I can keep myself.
So tomorrow Universe please can you help me with all of this.
from another bod on the bus of Bliss
Dreams
Do you know what you've been doing lately in your nightly dreams, Bliss?
No, no. Not the "naked hula hoop" dreams - are you kidding?! I'd never put those in print!
You've been reaching, helping, and bridging; teaching, guiding, and comforting; lighting, showing, and paving; reaching thousands upon thousands when you count the infinite ripple thing.
Yep, you're beginning to have the same profound effect here, as you've been having on Earth.
Thanks,
The Universe
Well Universe - not sure I see me in this one
x
No, no. Not the "naked hula hoop" dreams - are you kidding?! I'd never put those in print!
You've been reaching, helping, and bridging; teaching, guiding, and comforting; lighting, showing, and paving; reaching thousands upon thousands when you count the infinite ripple thing.
Yep, you're beginning to have the same profound effect here, as you've been having on Earth.
Thanks,
The Universe
Well Universe - not sure I see me in this one
x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)