House of Sand and Fog

I enjoyed this film somewhat - I gave it 3.5 out of my own 5 score. Don;t know really what warrants each score there is no system, so it very randaom. Sorry
Anyway, I did think highly of this film in some ways. But something about it stopped a greater score. Not sure what.
Some thoughts about the film in no orderly fashion
Thought of the title - moving sand - nothing is certain and feels fearful when the sand is shifting
And the fog - not able to see clearly - obscuring clarity
and yet there is a grandness some ow i the title but maybe I am linking that with the grand life the character had to flee from.
I saw the pride of Behrani - after losing everything he humbly worked to gain back a home for his family. He did not though elt them know - secrecy.
And Kathy also was hiding from her mother the reality of her situation - more secrecy
All the secrecy was creating the problems.
Pride - fear!!
selfis too - but cloaked by the idea that it is all in hte best interest of others - the ways in which people justify themselves. Can look very compelling of course - not to upset anyone else!!!

Kinglsey was brilliant - just as he is.
The girl was annoying actually - but just as an addict is.
The cop was unbelievable - I was never sure if he was meant to be a good guy or a bad guy. There was something potentially pathological about him. He would make a great baddy.

The director did have all the sympathy with the Iranian family and a contempt it seems for everything American.
Would be interesting to know hs views of America - Ukranian apparently
Good story though by Andre Dubus
Short story writer. Would like to read some more of his works.

Dancing with the one I love

The Dance
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have sent you my invitation,
the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.
Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.
Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.
Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.
Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall,
to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.
Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance, the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.
Show me how you take care of business
without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price,
let us remind each other that it is never about the money.
Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember, and I will show you how I struggle
not to change the world, but to love it.
Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging. Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words, holding neither against me at the end of the day.
And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest
intentions has died away on the wind, dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being, not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.
Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This poem is sensationally accurate.
Just the very first lines - the invitation to dance but to accept the invitation graciously and without impulse. To undertake the dance with awareness of the dance itself. It is a commitment to something more than just a passing phase, a fad.
Within the dance she asks him not to be boasting of desires and wants but to actually show the hearts desires. It's in the actions that the real intention shows. Words are meaningless. Show me she says. Your actions speak louder than any words spoken or shouted. Actions are what really matter.
The meaning is from within the soul, and the soul informs my sense of being. And through the way that we are, we will know each other. The truth is there and through the truth we create choices - we can see who we are and if we like what we see we can realise each other and carry on or choose to go our separate ways. So long as we are being who we really are then we give each other that respect. Pretence simply removes that dignity.
And like The Prophet says, being side by side, not too close to be bound by the weeds and not so far apart that we cannot keep the roof over our heads, then as tow individuals, we can dance together, following the twists and turns side by side, supporting the moves and the twists that need to be made however difficult.
But if we are too entwined we will trip each other or too far apart we will lose the touch that informs the next moves.
The poem also talks about recognising shortcomings as well as knowing strengths. Recognising what needs to be worked on is the gift of strength. It is with this awareness that the dance grows stronger. The strengths exist only for that moment and without nurture and vigilance they become weak and worthless. It is knowing the shortcomings that keeps the dance alive and real, and a reminder that we are two beings doing our best, the dance will be imperfect. That is the beauty.
And with that awareness we can go to places that are beyond the wildest imagination. See things and comprehend depths that fulfill the heart and soul, places of such incredible beauty and peace. A place of increasing knowing. The heart and soul filled with bliss and love emanating from the very centre of the Universe. It is possible I am sure if the dance is pure to the very best of our ability. Nothing will compare.
Embrace and accept everything and everyone just as is, this is the very essence. Nurture the soul and the Universe returns in abundance for our needs. We need nothing more, we will have enough.
Don;t say Yes! Just take my hand and dance with me. How I feel the possibility.



Values -
i don't like the smelly burp wafting into my breathing air
 i try not to breathe in
ha ha ha

I have a titty squash at the hospital tomorrow - well now today. I do not look forward to this and soon I have a visit to the neurologist. I am interested but scared too.
It's not so much fun getting older. But with someone who would like to dance it would not matter. The last breath would be in thanks for everything so worthwhile. Seeing the wonders through the dance.
The poem to me speaks of some basic principles - self and partner, openness and honesty, selflessness, gratitude and acceptance, willingness and effort.

I watched a film - House of Sand and Fog.
Gosh what a film. I am not quite sure what I think.
I do think Ben Kingsley is a tremendous actor. He plays this role as well as any I see him perform and those that I have seen are always this good.
The story was annoying in a sense - so much tragedy through one persons chaos and an inefficient system. An obsessive policeman in his own chaos.
It was chaotic people and their chaotic lives emerging on each other. Pride, addiction, fear, cowardice in a way, love, anger, loss, and more that I can't name right now - all emerging and creating a different kind of chaos all of it's own. I felt incredibly sad with the ending. No one won. No one at all. Emptiness. Pointless all round. How tragic. How wasteful. How careless.

I need to sleep.
I feel enormous love for JH. I hope he takes my hand in the dance

Bliss
XX

Feeling the way I do

Is There Nothing We Could Do?


Rushing round in circles
To brighten all the corners
Busy making friends with all your enemies
You finger through your bible
Whilst looking through your window
The look you gave erased a thousand memories
Ooooh I am sorry, ooooh I am sorry
This page in your story won't turn
Who am I to ask you why
You feel the way you do
If you feel the way you do
Is there nothing we could do?
With advice I'd warn her
Don't idolise your neighbour
Maybe something else is the enemy
But who put out the fire
What you asking me for
The simple things you need for a remedy
Ooooh I am sorry, ooooh I am sorry
This page in your story won't turn
Who am I to ask you why
You feel the way you do
If you feel the way you do
Is there something we could do?
If only you could know there is life through your window
Oh but even so I don't know where would you go
The time you waste would still turn into memories
Who am I to ask you why
You feel the way you do
If you feel the way you do
Is there nothing we could do?
Couldn't you just ask me why
You feel the way you do
There's one thing I'd say to you
There must be something we could do
Just go ahead and ask me the question

Faith

The Shining Badly Drawn Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2Sc6-pvZjs

Faith pours from your walls drowning you calls
I've tried to hear you're not near
Remembering when I saw your face
Shining my way pure timing
Now I've fallen in deep slow silent sleep
It's killing me I'm dying
To put a little sunshine in your life

Soleil all over you warm sun pour sover me
Soleil all over you
Warm sun

Now this slick fallen rift
Came like a gift
Your body moves ever nearer
And you will dry this tear
Now that we're here and grieve for me not history
But now I'm dry of thoughts wait for the rain
Then it's replaces sun setting
And suddenly you're in love with everything

Soleil all over you warm sun pours over me
Soleil all over you
Warm sun

Bliss
XX

Looking for truth

"Before It's Too Late"
Goo Goo Dolls http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtSAIhP1-5s&feature=related

I wander through fiction to look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
and I stood at a distance
To feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

And
hold on before it's too late
We'll run till we leave this behind
Don't fall just be who you are
It's all that we need in our lives

and the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don't live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone
So live like you mean it
Love 'til you feel it
It's all that we need in our lives
So stand on the edge with me

Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real 'til it's gone

It's all that we need in our lives
It's all that I need in my life


This morning JH and I had a very open and interesting talk. I said that over the past couple of days I have felt a distance. Of course with my active imagination I can fill in the gaps with all sorts of things. I can hear little things that perhaps JH subconsciously hesitates over saying or maybe it's just something in the air.
I am beginning to trust my instincts but not my thinking. If I just go with my instincts then I can stay calm and also hear what needs to be said.
Whilst Whatsapping we moved to Skype despite not planning to meet until later this evening. Au environ huit heures.
Anyhow JH told me about someone having contacted him from SL - it was an inconsequential really. But this is at least a step towards more openness. As I have said to JH and to others, the detail of the behaviour is not the issue. The secrecy and deceit are my issues. Without openness and honesty my choice is removed. And also I am not being respected as being reasonable or able to make my own choices whether I stay or not. It is not putting trust in me and it's removes my dignity through all of these things and probably more.

I was honest with JH saying that there are times I hear him and think I hear a cloudiness and lack of full clarity on something. I think I am arrogant to even say this after all what do I truly know? But It's like I so want him to get up to speed so that we can just be easy together.
How arrogant of me! I know so little. A mere beginner at this and yet I also feel that the principles are on the right track. I feel more at one. I bet all people think that when they think they have the answer.
But when I talk with JH and other people we do seem to have a greater look at the world.
As I have explained again and again it's not about making judgement of rights and wrongs. It's about openness so that we can actually see if our differences are compatible. If we have similarly principles and can journey alongside each other. I do not judge whether anyone else is right or wrong.
I can witness behaviours an attitudes and thought processes that seem to be harming the individual and their life. But it doesn't mean I judge them as wrong. I can though say that that is not OK for me in my life.
And that's what deceit removes.
Thing is that I value JH so much more otherwise I would have gone already. There would be little point in hanging around to see what he does to change.

I think JH an I ave similarities.

I later spoke with ET. That was really easy simply listening to her. Not having to have answers for her but sharing ideas and different ways to move a little further along the path.
Then I spoke with ML. I said that there are times when I feel very judged y her and have this need to get it right for her to approve of me. She said that she senses how I categorise her as judging me. She says she doesn't do that anymore. And I have felt a big shift in that from her. However, there are still times when I sense I am not approved of. ML says we all have to make judgements and I once again said I agree, we need to judge to help ensure people do not crash over our boundaries. But judging is over stated as being others right or wrong. Instead I think judging helps e to determine what is right or wrong for me and helps me assess difference but does not give me the right to pass judgement on others which is different.
And that I think is where justice steps in.
I know that justice is being taken at a higher level. But we humans get so angry when someone crosses over our boundaries especially uninvited - and its then that we get angry. Rightly so. Anger serves the purpose to protect ourselves. The difficulty comes when we want to place that anger on someone else and blame them.
How does all this sit with crime I ask myself?
For example we as humans have mainly decided the paedophilia is wrong. I agree by the way. I do make a judgment on this. I know that sexual abuse involving children severely affects their mental development and social skills and self esteem etc. Some children seem to get themselves back together and carry on with a little extra help. Some don't. I think all children are gravely affected by sexual abuse, by neglect, by mental abuse,. emotional abuse and spiritual abuse.
In some cases types of abuse are unintentional and parents are simply doing their best with their own limited skills. But sometimes the abuse is intentional.
Both are damaging but intentional damage - well how do we deal with that?
Now here judgement and justice seem to step off my previous writings - but does it really.
I judge this to be wrong behaviour - harming someone else with intent! And therefore the persecutor needs consequences. Now according to the Buddhist monks we are fortunate in this country that we do not let crime go unpunished and we seek out the persecutor unlike other countries e.g. India where people can literally get away with murder apparently. But then even if the person is not caught the monks said to me justice is taking place at a higher level. And I thought about my dad, that at some level he has lived a very tortured life. He seems to be in spiritual pain and not at ease being himself. But then he walks away free of his crimes. I have let go of a need to punish and harm. I pray instead that he might find freedom for his soul and be happy and content in the truest meaning of the word.
Yet a few years ago I was so so raging that I either took it our on myself or tried to punish him in various ways. It just took time and some help to focus on me and forgiving me - I thought I was the criminal. And actually I did go on into my life being a less than nice person at time. Well how judgemental is that. I did what I did but deep down I was not happy with the way I behaved. I was not wrong or bad despite doing some things that were not right and good according to my own principles - and there it is the higher justice. It takes place in my spirit - eroding away at my self esteem until eventually I felt worthless.
The justice is taking place at a much higher level than any human can ever bring upon this earth or any individual. But if someone re-offends and re-offends then we do need to help to curb the behaviour and the damage to others that that incurs.
So we make a judgement about right and wrong on behalf of victims. Children most definitely are victims - defenceless. Some adults though are not victims. And yet we step in there.
I am getting all knotted up here in thought ....

How far from slavery I feel right now

Bliss
xx

Flying home to soul

"Some have a style
That they work hard to refine
So they walk a crooked line
But she won't understand
Why anyone would have to try
...To walk a line when they could fly" - The Bangles

I read this on another persons Blog - a person who once commented on my own in passing. I have read about her sadness and her loss and her daily song.
She hasn't written for a while and I somehow am missing her. I don't know her. I don;t know what it is to lose a sister but I do know what it is to lose a precious person. I miss my mum.
Just the other day I was driving home. I can't remember what it was that triggered the thought ut something I felt pleased about. I thought if my mum were alive I would call her and have a chat with her. In a instant I thought I will call my mum and an image of her flashed before me. And tehn I remembered again that she was dead.
This was al in a matter of very quick moments. I lurched forward over my steering wheel and sobbed with the pain of my loss of my mum. She was a remarkable woman. Very fey. Livlier than life itself. Gosh she was very present whenever she was in the room.
I am not sure what she would make of my life now. No longer the high flying executive. I am not the way I think she thought I should be. I always was this person I think - and it's as if I am flying home to be with me.
I have wings and I am flying.


Blissxx

Cat's away Hospital Stay

Words for my Blog in the absence of access to my Blog




I have had a funny feeling today that what JH says and what he is doing are not quite adding up. I am unsure exactly what and why. Something just hasn’t seemed quite as open as it could be. I put trust in the Universe that all will be apparent if there is anything that my instincts are picking up. Of course I have been wrong, so open to that too.

This evening feels so strange. I am sitting in the office at the P, having decided it is safer to stay rather than try to brave the snow and ice into the village of EM. And then of course getting out again tomorrow morning to be back here for work. There are only 2 inpatients as well so that feels odd. Well 2 inpatients, there more than that in the hospital but even that number is greatly reduced.

Today JH introduced me to Rineke Diijkstra. A Dutch photographer, a portrait photographer. At a first glance I was struck by the real old fashioned capturing of modern day people. Capturing them in their stillness rather than trying to make people look natural and relaxed. A glazed look in the eyes. One of the striking photos is of a boy who has drying blood on his face and clothes and a great big plaster under his chin, some kind of injury. It’s just odd and interesting – what was going on and why did Diijkstra take the photo in what seems like a studio environment I think, i.e. no background to fill in any details of the story – just the boy. There looks to be another like that too. In fact they have similar jackets on – patterned – as unusual. I wonder what the story is.

And also Barbara Kruger. http://www.barbarakruger.com/

JH was at the Stedeliijk Museum. http://www.stedelijk.nl/en

And some guys outside gave him a replica of the rooms in the exhibition. Odd that they just gave this away. I hope to see what it was they gave him. Anyway I like the idea of having a replica of one of her rooms. They are quite stunningly different. Well different from anything I have known in making such strong statements. I have seen entire rooms developed for other uses but not like this.

It reminds me of the box I made when I was young and want to replicate now. I can’t recall how old I was. We had shoe boxes and cut windows in it. I created an underwater scene so the windows were covered in blues and greens – cellophanes – and then I hung things like seaweed and fish on cotton from the lid and created things to stand up from the bottom. At one end of the box a peephole was made and then the lid stuck down. It was a lot of fun to make and I love the atmosphere created in this little box. Also similarly I remember making a stage with actors and scenery etc with the girl who used to babysit for me – this was when we lived in Godalming where things all seem very strange as memoires. Something very sinister. Very – we only lived there for 6 months. Everything changes a lot after that. I have very vague recollections and more sensations than solid memories. Spiders and darkness and shadows and strange people looking out of windows. A real strange feeling comes over me. And fear as well as dread.

Anyway I would like to recreate those childhood things in adult form now. So the replica JH was given brought back that memory of the box again – a revisit of that memory. I can’t remember which school or where or how old or anyone else that might have been involved. It’s almost a standalone memory.

Questions to JH

What is love?

What is a loving relationship with me or a partner that he loves

What does he value in friendship

How would you like your life to be

And how does that look – how does he see it



Some more introductions

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christo_and_Jeanne-Claude

http://www.christojeanneclaude.net/


Bliss
XX