Monday, 28 February 2011

Houses are archives of the human soul ................


The Haunted Palace by Edgar Allan Poe.


In the greenest of our valleys
By good angels tenanted,
Once a fair and stately palace -
Radiant palace - reared its head.
In the monarch Thought's dominion -
It stood there!
Never seraph spread a pinion
Over fabric half so fair!
Banners yellow, glorious, golden,


On its roof did float and flow,
(This - all this - was in the olden
Time long ago,)
And every gentle air that dallied,
In that sweet day,
Along the ramparts plumed and pallid,
A winged odor went away.

Wanderers in that happy valley,
Through two luminous windows, saw
Spirits moving musically,
To a lute's well-tuned law,
Round about a throne where, sitting
(Porphyrogene!)
In state his glory well-befitting,
The ruler of the realm was seen.

And all with pearl and ruby glowing
Was the fair palace door,
Through which came flowing, flowing, flowing,
And sparkling evermore,
A troop of Echoes, whose sweet duty
Was but to sing,
In voices of surpassing beauty,
The wit and wisdom of their king.

But evil things, in robes of sorrow,
Assailed the monarch's high estate.
(Ah, let us mourn! - for never morrow
Shall dawn upon him desolate!)
And round about his home the glory
That blushed and bloomed,
Is but a dim-remembered story
Of the old time entombed.

And travellers, now, within that valley,
Through the red-litten windows see
Vast forms, that move fantastically
To a discordant melody,
While, like a ghastly rapid river,
Through the pale door
A hideous throng rush out forever
And laugh - but smile no more.


Walter de la Mare
The Listeners

‘IS there anybody there?’ said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door;
And his horse in the silence champ’d the grasses
Of the forest’s ferny floor:
And a bird flew up out of the turret,
Above the Traveller’s head:
And he smote upon the door again a second time;
‘Is there anybody there?’ he said.
But no one descended to the Traveller;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Lean’d over and look’d into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplex’d and still.
But only a host of phantom listeners
That dwelt in the lone house then
Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
To that voice from the world of men:
Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
That goes down to the empty hall,
Hearkening in an air stirr’d and shaken
By the lonely Traveller’s call.
And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
Their stillness answering his cry,
While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
’Neath the starr’d and leafy sky;
For he suddenly smote on the door, even
Louder, and lifted his head:—
’Tell them I came, and no one answer’d,
’That I kept my word,’ he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake:
Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.


Is there anybody there? by me

Houses are archives for the human soul,
Rescepticles for stories,
 and all that's old,
Events snagged in time.
Is it me that gives them life?
Or is it they
  Who energise my mind?

Enticed over the threshold
This enchanting cottage scene,
Holding all it's secrets
Tales, romance and tragedy.
All there to unfold.
Needing fresh blood to breathe,
Eerily all part
 of the archives alchemy.











Sunday, 27 February 2011

He's just an ordinary boy

Wide Boy - Nik Kershaw

He made a record
it made him famous
yes
it made him a star.
The life and soul of the party
he rocks
he shocks
You never know where you are with him.
He got no sense but he got money
He got no sense but he got overnight success

Exceed excess
exceed excess.

He no big deal
he's just a wide boy

He no big deal
he's just an ordinary guy

Oh me
oh my
oh me
oh my.

He made a movie
he played the driver of a big yellow car.
He is super fab and groovy
he struts and he crows
You never know where you are with him.
He got no sense but he got money
. . .
And with your symmetry teeth and your California tan
I'm here to tell you that you ain't no superman
you're just a wide boy.



It was shown to me how Nik Kershaw is complicated in his rhythm and rifts. And it's very clever to the ear. A bit poppy I always thought but actually I like his songs.
This is a great song. Ego explained brilliantly. Thinking he's a somebody with externals. Some people of course want that. And I am beginning to realise that it's certainly not what I want in the people I am close with. Sincerity, integrity, dignity that is similar to my own. Values that are similar is important. But I would also like to remain teachable to other principles and values so that I continue to grow. I would prefer not too have too much pain in my lessons.

Bliss
XX

Onwards with more studying. Goodness it's sometimes difficult to stay focuses with all this very demanding terminology and complicated knowledge of the ways in which the human body operates. It's incredible!!

Flamjangled Tea Party!!

I got home at nearly 1am only to discover I did not ahve my house keys. Lovely evening with friends. Greta food. Laughs and good company. Got to see ML's new place too - really cosy. Intelligent conversations.
Windy journey home and gettng low on petrol!! And no flipping keys. Tried phoning ML and other friends to see if they had them but no answer - all tucked up asleep. Well actually I later discovered ML was watching
a film with her headsets on.
I sent a text to RB to see if by chance sehe was till up. Hallelujah! And even better GB was awake so would know where my set of keys were. Phew.
Guess what? As I put on my jeans this morning to walk LL, there was rattling in my pocket. Lord! The flipping keys were tehre all the time. Am I really going senile ha ha ha ha ha ha. AB has had a very good laugh this monring, having slept through all the comotion at her place int eh early hours.

A few texts with JH. Up late - made me smile. I felt a twinge of jealousy and able to back off. My jealousy can easily become controlling I think. Anyway I did express my concern. Resorting to online stuff to escape from these very very difficult times he is going through. I suspect he is hurting so deeply inside. But of course it's difficult to step aside from that and allow the feelings to be and get through them. Most people lets face it find ways of not feeling. Centuries of dysfuntioning our very God given senses. Of course there is nothing wrong with anyone's choices of behaviour if taking responsibility. There are always consequences to everythign we do but what I want is to be more aware so that the damage is not the greatest part. And when taking a thorough and honest look at things I get a feel that JH's online stuff has had consequences on his connections that have truly mattered. He seems in search of something and finding it in bursts. Maybe that is it. I realised that I have had a lifetime of relationships and not a lifetime's relationship. Maybe this is now JH's journey. I am not sure to make of my lessons right now in this realisation. What I can see is that there is a "wrong" motivation in it for me. I have been looking to be loved. And still need to find the love within me. It is improved but still not wholesome.
I was very very pleased to be oving to myself in the early hours. Weird really. As I got in and still a few texts with JH I received a text from CY. I had to turn off my phone in the end. His texts were very out of character. Whereas before it was not always respectful - although talking about music is always just that - this was odd. At one point I wondered if his phone had been stolen. When I turned on my ohone this moring he had sent a few more texts and tried calling. I was concerned actually. Then he called again this morning. He said he felt embarrassed about his texts. He is another man who wants to have something but not to have things all above board and honest. I repeated to him that I am not interested in any relationship with him other than being friendly and that I enjoy the discussions about other matters but if that was too difficult to maintain then we could stop. He tried once more. I said kindly I think NO.
I reallised how throughout my life I have said yes just so that I don't lose the person. Well I do realise that I want to base friendship on valuing people and not being disrespectful.
I am worth it!

No one likes pain (and it comes in so many forms - I see it in everyday work and everyday people) and society has developed more and more ways to put things out of balance. I always remember the Dalai Llama saying that he strives to keep everything in balance and in that way he has peace with the world. Happiness included. I know when I first heard him I did not truly comprehend. But in these last years I have a better understanding. And now its practice. But I am so new at it I get off kilter without even noticing it. But I am more aware that's the point. Just keep increasing the awareness. If only I had followed the insight I had as a child. But it was too difficult when surrounded by others already escaping and teaching that that was the right way. This society wants to suppress difficulty. Too much making things look OK and not enough allowing yni and yang, good and bad, black and white. Working through things is the solution. Not blocking them off at the beginning because then it has to accumulate and fester somewhere else.
I hope Universe for more people to make changes so that future generations can take advantage of advances but also be more aware of their humanness - intuition, senses, serenity, etc.
It's as if the all knowingness had to de-generate to re-generate. Lose it to know it's worth maybe??

I was reading EVE by Christina Rosetti yesterday. And it really brought me to think abdout the story of Adam and Even in the Bible. For me the stories are parables. Ways of trying to make sense for uneducated and becoming educated minds of all those years ago. So tryng to make the limitless more sensical by making it human. I also think by the way that it's a way of justifyig battles!! Anyway Eve

"While I sit at the door
Sick to gaze within
Mine eye weepeth sore
For sorrow and sin:
As a tree my sin stands
To darken all lands;
Death is the fruit it bore.

"How have Eden bowers grown
Without Adam to bend them!
How have Eden flowers blown
Squandering their sweet breath
Without me to tend them!
The Tree of Life was ours,
Tree twelvefold-fruited,
Most lofty tree that flowers,
Most deeply rooted:
I chose the tree of death.
"Hadst thou but said me nay,
Adam, my brother,
I might have pined away;
I, but none other:
God might have let thee s tay
Safe in our garden,
By putting me away
Beyond all pardon.
"I, Eve, sad mother
Of all who must live,
I, not another,
Plucked bitterest fruit to give
My friend, husband, lover;—
O wanton eyes, run over;
Who but I should grieve?—
Cain hath slain his brother:
Of all who must die mother,
Miserable Eve!"

Thus she sat weeping,
Thus Eve our mother,
Where one lay sleeping
Slain by his brother.
Greatest and least
Each piteous beast
To hear her voice
Forgot his joys
And set aside his feast.

The mouse paused in his walk
And dropped his wheaten stalk;
Grave cattle wagged their heads
In rumination;
The eagle gave a cry
From his cloud station;
Larks on thyme beds
Forbore to mount or sing;
Bees drooped upon the wing;
The raven perched on high
Forgot his ration;
The conies in their rock,
A feeble nation,
Quaked sympathetical;
The mocking-bird left off to mock;
Huge camels knelt as if
In deprecation;

The kind hart's tears were falling;
Chattered the wistful stork;
Dove-voices with a dying fall
Cooed desolation
Answering grief by grief.

Only the serpent in the dust
Wriggling and crawling,
Grinned an evil grin and thrust
His tongue out with its fork.


Overall, I read this and read quite a gloomy outlook. And if course it very easily indicates the story of Adam and Eve. But what I realised is that this appies to everyday life and decisions.
Contemplating all the choices we can make it is quite disheartening at times to realise the number of times I (people) make choices according to temptation rather than to the greater good. I like the prayer quoted in Step Three
God, I offer myself to thee - to bild with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always.

"relive me of the bondage of self" - how I treasure those lines but how I froget them so quickly. This does not mean as I always used to that I put myself on the bottome of the pile. Which of course is the ultimate in sacrifice. But I am not holy. I see Sister N put herself at the very bottome. All these years taken away from her home. She sacrificed that to serve her heart's desire to serve God. I am not able to be that holy. But I do believe service comes in many forms. The difficulty is knowing God's will. And the problem comes with temptation - hence the Devil. In the story of Adam and Eve, the snake to awaken an awareness of other things. What's wrong with the other things, the forbidden fruit? Perhaps nothing at all. But Adam and Eve were innocent and no self awareness, they had never had to exercise constraint and thoughtfulness and consideration and respect and so on. They had had no need. Like children they were shameless of their nakedness. Why would they be any different, there was nothing to be ashamed of. But with time they became sexually aware.
And in their awareness of their sexuality, suddenly there was a shame. But isn't this also because no one was there to guide them to just be OK with themselves. It's as if the sexuality was a shameful thing simply because it's so secretive. I don't quite know how to express this. What does Christina say?
She talks about sad Eve is that she was the one to tempt Adam to take the fruit. But actually didn't the snake promote it with a different and seductive slant. Rather than it being very natural development for Eve to want to bear a child. The snake had sold the idea differently. So Eve took on the guilt of the World. She was the temptress and she sat contemplating the results of her action. She had not considered the implications before doing what she did and here she now sits with the blood of her slain son on her hands - Cain killed Able - but wasn't this the next lesson in emotions driving behaviour. More lack of self awareness.
So in this poem, Christina is telling me how Eve takes full responsibility but shows me how different emotions drive us. She does not talk about Adam's choice to also follow temptation. How when everything is OK there is a devil to want to sabotage everything good.
We humans need to become aware of all these emotions and it seems to me the Bible tells these stories of emotional evolution through the ages and there are amazing lessons we can learn from the writings.
However, they are not the only source.  Each belief system I think has been trying to do the same.
Anyway the point of the poem to me is clear.
Emotions, emotions, emotions - e - motion = energy in motion. The energy within us creates motion or motivation to behave. We are responsible for what we do and need to be able to consider the impact on others although we are not responsible for their emotions and how they respond to themselves.
There. lots of words saying nothing really.

Thank you Christina. Thank you Bible writer of the story of Adam and Eve.

 Rob Anderson

Awakening - by me

Contemplating the speed of years past,
My blind dash through time.
Complicating and compensating
Humanities daily trials.
Hasty, near decisions;
Beguiled, seduced far from sanity.
Choices. Escaping.

Winding the trail of the long, weary path,
Scattered with gloriously, scented rose petals,
Blood red ones
Littered with dead ones.
Angry voices and loving tones,
Gently watching for my despair
When reality settles.
Frozen. Obliterating.

In the stillness of reality and thought
Consequences no longer chasing,
  the hearse overtaking
An undertaker smiles.
Consideration in time
What's mine to charge.
Deliver me from temptation,
Exist in rhythm with creation
Changes. Growing.

Bliss
XX












Saturday, 26 February 2011

Phew

Missing JH

Going out!

Bliss
X

Angel Numbers

9 - Your divine life purpose involve the giving of service through natural talents, passions and interests.
0 - relates to prayer and meditation practice, and the all encompassing God Source. God is talking to you.
5 - Relates to change, transformation and alchemy. Someting in your life is changing, or about to change, for the better.
905 - The change you're experiemcing or considering is guided and fully supported by God. This change helps your Divine mission to unfold and manifest.

I don't hold a lot of regard for divining and future telling. For some reason I looked up the numbers.
I am so cyncial - everyday there is change in peoples life. I suppose this just brings it to the surface really. Brings it to the conscious to be looked at rather than just absorbed ito the everyday activities of so-muchness.

Lots of things are changing in my life right now. I am praying for the knowledge of God's will for me. I am meditating on various things that are apparent in my life to take a real observation of them. Comtemplation meditation, I have some ideas but as yet don't know how to really bring them into fruition.
I have been re-thinking the idea of starting a therapy group once a week at a really almost nothing price. I need to get my insurane updated. I would need to find a cheap or free room and then speak to the couple of people who have no money but wanted some therapy. It would be no good unless there were a consistent number of people with consistent attendance. If there are some that come and go that's not a problem. If we make it a closed group that would mean a real commitment from everyone. And then I start to bottle out of doing it. As if anyone would want me to facilitate this ... no one really wants or needs this.
It certainly wouldn't be for financial gain - just donation payment to cover costs. I cannot afford to be out of pocket either. And where? This area - I don't know too many people really. Oh well can keep putting the idea out and see what happens.

Bliss
XX

The Old Furiosity Shop - written end of January

I remember him talking about his mixed feelings of love but the ugliness of neediness when he was talking to me about his girlfriend whom he later told me was his ex girlfriend. Very confusing - always slightly not adding up, yet it was clear from the start that he had several people he had strong feelings for. He told me spent 3 weeks with the woman in Australia and had strong feelings for her but they were too far apart and he could not go becuase of his children - of course. He also talked about his issues with commitment.

I wonder if in these early days of SL he was telling me things more truthfully or whether they were all muddled stories. He spoke of love with the woman in Romania but also refers to his girlfriend which could have seemed liek the same person but also another, then the relationship with someone in the US was muddled in as well. Gosh it was a real mish mash of all the women I think.
JH - you didn't eve need to be anything than straight forward - I was content simply to be your slave. You took things to another level. And spun stories.
I wonder whether you can ever get all this straight in your head to be honest with yourself and another human being and the Universe. It will be essential if you want to learn and grow - if you are not ready then so be it. It will continue. I hope not for your own and others sake. Innocent passers by do not deserve to be hurt. Although I have my part in it. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe.
The strange encounter we started with should really have menat a lot more. I always did wonder from the beginning the amount of time and years you had been on SL and similar and how that had impacted your marriage and your children. I pondered over this but chose to ignore it because I was falling in love with the you you presented to me.
I am writing this tog et it all out in the open for myself - noone else's benefit. I am sure there are clearer explanations from JH. But it is all so muddled I would never get things really clear because the stories have altered as time has gone on. EVen the things that I saw in October. JH did tell me about havings exual encounters over the SL or Internet - not much difference in JUne and July. Well b y that time we were supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. I never did say anything different. As a slave that's what I would have been but I said that I only wanted to be in a monogamous relaitonship if it was anything else. If he loved me wouldn;t he have actually respected and honoured this. And yet he claimed that he was and he wasn't. Can this be considered love?
This is all hurt and anger exuding - gradually clearing out of my system. I hope it clears sooner than later because the hurting makes me ultra sensitive.
So much so that I am ill. It is horrid to be so hurt. I would not wish this on any single person in the world.
Rantings.


I wrote this weeks ago but didn't post it for some reason. Never to waste words it is now posted. A lot has altered in my psyche since writing this. I am relieved to feel differently. Thank goodness for Step work invested in creating awareness and steps to fall back on.


The furiosity is with myself - and also thinking and writing helps me to come to terms with the stages of loss - which are DENIAL - ANGER - SADNESS/DEPRESSION - BARGAINING - ACCEPTANCE.

I am coming to more understanding and acceptance. Nevertheless I feel incredibly sad (pain) but less and less angry. I also do a bit of bargaining which actually I realise I feel shame about as I don;t really talk much about that.
I start with the earlier feelings at the bottom and work upwards with newer thoughts and feelings ...

Well I have called Stuart and left a message on his answer machine but he has not called back. This scares me more and more. I cannot bear the thought of being rejected by him. He has brought me so far. He has never been unreliable in the past .......? If he doesn't call back by Monday I will try again and leave a message to say how concerned I am. I don;t even like writing this as it leaves me vulnerable to anyone reading it. People make judgements from peoples actions - that's all we have to read what's going on. I am terrified by him not instantly replying - he may be away, he may be busy, he runs workshops that start on Fridays and run all weekend - I called at some silly evening hour yesterday -
I feel very fragile.

I also think this now ....
oh blimey my head hurts I am going to have a break and a tablet. More later .......




Phew good to share. Release of pressure from pain

Oh and I see a process in me about the need for constant access to people. Not necessarily being with physically but a need to be in contact and JH was a person who fulfilled that. Thus something I recognise in me from years ago. Difficult to be alone yet to be on my own in that. Difficult to put into words right now or understand what is underneath. Want to have courage to contact Stuart.
Want to have courage to say to JH absolutely no way forward for me with him - but also this is not what I want - there is a way just as we are. Me accepting there is no commitment from JH within the circumstances he is in or whatever it is - he just doesn't see us as compatible for him - a million possible reasons - there is someone else now - blah blah blah
But don't want to go the harsh route of no contact
Instead be certain myself and maintain boundaries then if he is not OK with that he may show it's not really friendship for him or maybe he would be OK with it and maintain merely friendship
Awaiting client for assessment. Lots of anxiety for me with this part of my job. Always used to get anxious when interviewing. Similar. And we need clients desperately! So it matters.
Having some clear observations of self but some of what is underlying is not so obvious yet.

Grr(at thinking )- he enters my thoughts as soon as I stop for 1 moment - anger sad longing bargaining self blame!
The anger I feel also involves ugly pride. Wanting to know if he is intriguing with others. Wanting ti know because then it is right that nothing between him and I was more than a game for him. Which then hurts. Wanting any new victim to know - ruin his fun! Or destruction of someone else. Just torture. Sad that I kept receiving lies and then believing but not being able to trust. Angry with HP - why did I have to go through this? I know really not to blame. I chose to try and accept. I do blame JH for lying because he did. But I enabled him to keep lying - I am not a person who can accept it lightly - too insecure. Some people I guess would be secure enough not to mind so much. I just need to accept him as him and me as me and on that very fundamental level it's not compatible
Which is so sad as on so many other levels I really really like him. Accept accept accept. Whether it was what he implied it was or not between us - it was really lovely. I wanted a committed relationship but that's not how it is and not really certain what JH wanted.

Grief- ANGER! Feeling angry and blaming of JH. Grrrrrrrr at all the thinking and feelings - make them go away. I don't really blame JH and it just fuels the pain I feel. Anger easier than sadness as it hurts so much. Then hurting and sad at loss and the little me who has no one special and to look after me at times and treat me special. Sad that it's always been like this and whatever it is about me that contributes to dysfunction in relationships. It's horrid. I would so like loving trusting easy relationship. With fun and emotions that can be held by each other.

Bliss
X

Turning a blind eye to inconvenient truths

What a horrid week at work - addiction had a grasp I have rarely witnessed on this one man. Enmeshed with his wife to the extent that they together will kill him. My gosh! People do not see how codependency kills. It's so subtle. It will be the drink that finally does it but it will be the codependency that will drive him to take the drink. This is NEVER OK. It acts as a strong reminder to me the power of the disorder. It kills!
I was exhausted through trying too hard! I feel relief he has gone and guilty for feeling relief but we had to stick rigidly to boundaries. I feel sad that he has one too. Fearful.
I dreamt about the clients last night. But I woke up feeling sick and guilty. I am not sure what caused me to dream that I took one of the clients to his home. (This never ever happens.) I met his wife and was aware his children were there too. He and I then slept there overnight but I was in his bed!!!!! It was not sexual. I woke up in my dream with him cuddling me. I was horrified when I woke in reality. The dream went on - I got up and felt dreadful as his wife was in the house even though actually they were not together anymore. Then I was standing around downstairs chatting with his wife and him, all very friendly and jovially when I sensed in the air it wasn't the weekend. I asked what day it was and they said Monday. It was 9.05 am. I then tried to get ready but realised my clothes were not suitable for work. It was a red dress I loved when I was in my early 20's. It was a such a beautiful dress. I was so skinny then :) .I was trying to put it on but knew it was not suitable so miraculously some other tops of mine were there that I could cover the dress bodice with. But I couldn't get them on quickly enough as I was in such a hurry. I had to get the client back too. Then his little daughter walked in and asked if she could be there. All very embarrassing.
Then we were at a river. ML was there trying to negotiate as always a free bee. I have realised how irritating that can be to me. I am pleased she gets lots of things. But when she does she always pushes for the next thing too. I have witnessed people say yes but not looking happy about it. (This is not dream by the way). It's odd because she is so self conscious in many ways but then the opposite when it comes to things like this. She says well it is their responsibility to say no. I have mentioned in the past that I think she pushes people too far and they are less willing later. Its no big deal but its interesting to observe why I get irritated. I wondered if I am jealous. I don't think so but it's a possibility. I must admit I don't like the idea of being jealous, it's such an ugly emotion or drives ugly behaviour unless very very aware of it. Maybe I am jealous of her courage to ask. Although it just seems rude and taking advantage of already extreme generosity. I would like to clarify that it's not the initial negotiations for something. It's about once having got people to agree on something she then pushes for more. I think I feel that it's taking advantage of niceness an a bit of the killer instinct having found what could be a weakness of generosity then making use of it.
Anyway back to my dream. So we were at this river with ML negotiating with a man who ran a very cheap and makeshift ferry. She wanted some space or something for storage I think. Then I saw JG. We were all talking including the client. When I said to JG Oh No! You are here too!!! We are both late. And I hadn't phoned PD. I phone him well in advance in reality when I am running late. So the fact that I hadn't phoned and my clothes and my guilt of having slept in the bed with the client - oh it was a horrible, horrible feeling.
It was the overwhelming feeling I would get with the chaos when I was using or acting out. I would get what I wanted but there was a high price to pay of mess that I would try to sort out with cover up stories and lies.
In my dream of course I fancied this man. And goodness knows how we ended up at his house, that part of my dream has long gone. But having got what I clearly wanted there was all this mess. And I could feel the shame and guilt but was feeling it not identifying it.
At that point, leaving all of us standing by the river, I woke up. And that's just how it feels that I have woken up leaving all of them there. It's odd. I have woken observing the guilt and shame. I have wondered if I have an attraction  to the client now. I like him very much indeed as a person. He is a very sensitive and gentle man. He is growing in awareness with everyday and realising in a painful way the impact of his drinking on his family whom he loves incredibly. But I do not in anyway fancy him. He is also incredibly intelligent which is always interesting to encounter. It's always so important to acknowledge if there is an attraction to any client so that the boundaries can be continually reinforced. I hope never to end up in a situation like IC. That has been so destructive for him and for her. And I have seen it in others. Frequently clients believe they love, but of course there's a lot of dysfunction in that very situation.
For some reason his particular dreams seems very relevant but why I do not know.

I think I a feeling quite fragile. The work has been really tough this week. And whilst I have been driven a little bonkers by client a I am also picking up all this sensitivity from client b and feeling for him. I am not sure when he has ever been able to allow himself to feel. He is very depressed too. I also assessed a young girl already being so deeply affected by sex and love addiction. When I described her behaviours to her, she was shocked that I knew her so well - her highs and the deeply painful lows. She is so beautiful and charming and youthful I truly hope she decides to come in for treatment because she can have the chance to arrest this now and not live the rest of her life through the agony of escalating love addiction. It kills! She deserves to learn how to love herself now. And then enjoy the rest of her life, free.
Yes I think I am feeling a lot of weight of this illness.

Studying today. I do feel a real need for some interesting socialising.
I will see friends tomorrow and an evening of fun is planned. And I may visit another friend this evening or go to a meeting I am not sure which. It is a beautifully sunny morning so I will take a walk amongst the trees now.

Watch her disappear Tom Waits

Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you
And from a window across the lawn I watched you undress
Wearing your sunset of purple tightly woven around your hair
That rose in strangled ebony curls
Moving in a yellow bedroom light
The air is wet with sound
The faraway yelping of a wounded dog
And the ground is drinking a slow faucet leak
Your house is so soft and fading as it soaks the black summer heat
A light goes on and the door opens
And a yellow cat runs out on the stream of hall light and into the yard

A wooden cherry scent is faintly breathing the air
I hear your champagne laugh
You wear two lavender orchids
One in your hair and one on your hip
A string of yellow carnival lights comes on with the dusk
Circling the lake with a slowly dipping halo
And I hear a banjo tango

And you dance into the shadow of a black poplar tree
And I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared
I watched you as you disappeared


The other night I dreamt of my mum. I do;t knw where we were but she was sitting in an armchair and I was next to her but on the floor. I had my arm next to ehrs on the arm of the chair and I could feel her skin on my skin. I like the feel of my mum's soft skin. I said to her that I was all bloated up and couldn't bear it. She said " Iam too and everyone is here, look". I felt extreme angst at not being understood that whilst it was OK for everyone to be the same but I just am not used to it or liking it or wanting to get used to it. I shouted at my mum it's horrid and not OK. I woke up. I like meeting my mum in my dreams. I asked her to look after my cousin. It was a weird dream though. I never meet her in dreams, it;s always in a nowhere type place - nothing else happening, just really me with her. Usually I don't remember what we have spoken about.
It;s a while since I have met wth her. I am grateful for the opportunity. I miss her nonetheless and shed a tear for her.

Bliss
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