Change Change Change

You can change a great many things, Bliss.
Or you can change.
Same-same,
    The Universe

I am changing - everything is always changing.
I cannot change anything - all I can do is change myself. I can change by telling people how I feel about thier behaviours or their attitude etc.
I thought tonight I was gettign a telling off from my friend but actually I have realised she was struggling with me having feelings. I was getting irritated at first but as I realised that it was her difficulty with my feelings I could let go and listen.
I had left work and collected LouLou - realising very quickly AB was drunk. My problem is that I am high. Having finally been diagnosed bi-polar I am truly aware.
Dr L diagnosed this years ago. But I never followed it up. I have always known really. It's the way I am the polar opppsite of myself - ha ha excuse the pun. There's the apparent addictive tendency of always thinking the grass is greener on the other side even when that's where I have just come from. Then there is the wanting one thing but also wanting the exact opposite at other times. I describe this as absolutely adoring the city. Wanting to be there, in the lights, the buzz, the nightlife, the everything city -London, New York, Paris, any city. But then in another mood I only want the countryside. The fresh air, the quietness and slowness, the quaint, the space. My mum has always said I am like the little girl with a curl right in the middle of her forhead. When she was god she was very, very good. But when she was bad she was horrid.
That was and has been me. I have wnated to be so so good but then it's like a complete turn in my head and I have wanted to be partying and the wild child. I have caused chaos. I have always thought that the alcohol was the least of my problems and that I didn't need alcohol actually for the wild times to begin. I needed the alcohol to get over the shame of what I thought I might have done the night before.

I called my friend (actually she called me) After leaving AB's I went to Tesco. I could feel the hig. I was walking around feeling grandiose. As if I was fantastic. My friend suggested better than everyone else but no not that but just as if I was fantastic. She asked what was wrong with that and there was nothing tonight as I am taking notice of every little signal in me. But on past occasions that would cause me to strutt around as if I was fantastic and I would overspend and look at men trying to attract their attention. Thinking too that they are all looking at me anyway. This I know is thinking and behaviour associated with bi-polar. Yet I have thought all the time I am just bad. I struggled shopping not knowing what to buy. I couldn't get out quick enough and I was already aware that I would not prepare any of the food I had bought. I am not hungry! Never am at the moment. I am flipping high. It's exhausting too.
I got in the car and was so relieved to have got there safely. I wanted to tell my dad and for him to just hold me and say it's OK but I know that's not ever ever going to happen. I feel so scared. I fell like it's too much to manage. I refuse outright to take the medication. The psychiatrist wants me to start taking Pregabalin. I refuse. I know it detaches people slightly. it's not like an antidepressant. I will NOT!!! I need the psychiatrist to support me in this. I do not want to be the zombie it makes people into. And this is the vastly improved medication - FUCK!
Stephe Fry is managing without it. I want to make contact with him and talk about this. But then AB said this was just my on a high and being grandiose. Is it? Is it really? Or is it wanting to speak with someone who knows and understands. I'm getting his documetary. And I would like to read his book too. I would like to talk to him about his experiences and I know he has done a lot of investigation. I want the psychiatrist to support me.
I felt the high when I was talking to the occ health nurse today. I could hear how I was talkng 10 to the dozen. My mum used tonotice that too and would tell me to stop being so excitable. I can see this has been tehre for so long. The psychiatrist talked about trauma induced bi-polar and the re-traumatising that has occurred recently .... along with the magnification through hormonal (bullshit nonsense terrible invention ha ha) changes!!!!
I realised that yesterday I was high - at the meeting. I was having inappropriate thoughts. The same sort of grandiosity and was thinking I would try and make myself appealing. I was immedately aware of myself and stopped the thinking. Funny thing is the man I was thinking about being appealing too came running me as I said bye and walked out of the door. I stood there talking about stuff. I didn't act out and felt very uncomfortable. I was also aware that I had been speaking with my friend prior to the meeting who was talking about her new relationship. I am very, very excited for her as she is very happy and enthusiastic. At the same time I was a little jealous even though right now I do not want a relationship. I am scared as I want to be loved. I have so much love to give. Now I think anyone will think I am completely crazy and never take me seriously if they think I am bi-polar. I have seen how people disregard someone who is bi-polar. Toss aside the ideas because they are in a haze of madness. Not so. There is an energy.
I have ideas - so many ideas. And what I want to do is channel my energy into those ideas.

Oh some of these are hilarious - some of my friends get quite frustrated with my typos whereas I find them really funny.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

I am tired now.
Exhausted actually. I have tomorrow to phone my psych as a priority. I need him on board about the meds.
I am glad to be so acutely aware. When I got  in the care I realised how damned difficult this is all going to be. I need some support. I suddenly thought it would be so wonderful to have someone along who truly loved me and wanted to support me. But I have friends who will be there truly be there. And for that I am grateful.
So goodnight.

Bliss
XX

We are more than our feelings

http://www.dhammatalks.org.uk/index.php?id=40&file_id=907

Not getting addicted or defined by our emotions
Being mindful of our emotions - means to me being aware of past beliefs, attitudes, perceptions, memories that seem to inform out emotions.
So by being mindful it is possible to reassess the emotional response and judge whether it is appropriate.
And then be within the situation I am in with awareness and trust and being mindful means I can be fully present - in pain or pleasure. Pleasure doesn;t become the end goal it is one experience. Pleasure can be addictive and become the goal. But knowing that Pleasure passes just the same as pain does is mindfulness. Knowing.
Trust that any person, place, situation will reveal itself in all good time.

Bliss
XX

Shaking off the limitations

With an image of liberation as the goal
the wise abandon darkness and cherish light,
leave petty security behind
and seek freedom from attachment.
To pursue such release is difficult and rare,
yet the wise will seek it,
detaching themselves from obstructions,
purifying heart and mind
Dhammapada v.87-88

Ajahn Munindo reflects on this ...
"The Buddha offers images that illustrate the goal, uplifting and supporting us in our effort to let go of that which obstructs and limits us. If we hold too tightly to the images, we may lose perspective on the here and now element of the journey; instead of actually doing the practice, we are imagining it. If we fail to give right emphasis to the goal, we may become lost in the distraction of sense objects - agreeable and disagreeable. The pursuit of true freedom is difficult but consider how much suffering comes if we don't practice. With wise reflection we find we can endure the dark and difficult times. When the light returns, we cherish it and discover how to love truth more fully."

My own reflection in the here and now ...
Firstly I notice that I keep hearing the message about letting go, particularly of limits. I then feel my fear. I have wants. And I can see the value of remembering to let go when I realise I am thinking of my wants. The wants bring longing and as a result I forget to see what is all around me right now or at least do not appreciate all that I have. I can relate that to the want to be thin. As long as I remember body dysmorphia has been closely related to being anorexic, bulimic and over eating. And when I look back now I realise how much I was intently focused on trying to control food, worrying about size and not enjoying the experiences as they were happening all around me. I continue to have issues around food. I use food as an escape from stress for example and of course this triggers the body image issues too. So  am not saying I am cured. What I am practicing once again today though, is 3 meals per day, not worrying about the content of those 3 meals so long as I have protein, carbs and vegetables/fruit. And my how my studies this year - Biological Psychology - have helped me to know the fine tuned detail of the minute but incredible miracles that occur within each and every one of us. But to be sustained every cell needs appropriate nourishment and that comes from me eating wisely. I hope to maintain this train of thought and practice of eating.
Anyway that's an example of wants turning into obsession and taking me out of the her and now experiences.
One of the things I keep thinking about though when I read about letting go is the need at the level I am at of being able to identify and process the feelings that go with letting go. For example with the apparent loss of JH I have felt so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, fear, relief at times too although that was rare. My fear is that the lesson is forgetting that along the journey individuals will not realise that there are feelings and suppress them rather than work through them to their natural close. I realise that there is the tendency for holding onto the dark feelings and that can result in never letting go of the feelings. I absolutely agree with the goal. It's just for me the verse doesn't explain about emotions. I think people have tried to follow this exactly without reflecting on all that is going on.
As I reflect on what I am saying there is an element on control and not letting go of others process. It comes from a place of caring. However, it is me trying to ensure that everyone is aware. The reality is that I had always suppressed feelings. I did not now I was allowed to feel my emotions and express them and believed somehow from what I was seeing and hearing that I needed always to just get on and be happy. I am not sure if this is how I was actually told and shown but it is how I interpreted things. And so rather than acknowledge the pain and difficulty I would pretend everything was OK. So right into adulthood until recovery I have had to squish and squash everything away. And that is difficult to do without having crutches to help, hence the want for a man to love me, drink, drugs, hedonism, work and status etc etc and manipulating food. As those things are peeled away I am left with the emotions. Now I am learning to acknowledge the emotions, work through them and that takes a while when they are so deeply and densely packed. But there is a loosening and with the ending of some feelings comes the letting go. I have had more clarity about loosening the anger that inevitably comes from an abusive childhood. The vulnerable, raging me is becoming a little more aware and I can at times observe and measure my behaviour. I certainly don't like observing the behaviour of my fury but I understand the fury and can be gentle and loving rather than adding to the fury by giving myself a ticking off for being furious. But I can take a view on my behaviour. I do not judge myself then, but I do judge my behaviour - gently and with a desire to change with practice.
Perhaps there are some people who get this without having to go through the process. There are people who say they just let go and move on. Some people I can really see that in them. other people I see destructive behaviours and believe that there are things they are not allowing themselves to visit. They will if it ever gets so bad they are in pain.
I though am relieved to be getting some clarity for myself and believe I am on a path that is healthy for me. If I can enjoy today and learn and grow then it is possible I will be able to acknowledge any fears and temptation and remember the path is stronger if I stick to it. I can also gain strength by asking for support. I need help at times when temptation is pulling me. And temptation comes in many forms. It often starts with boredom. Wanting.
The thing is to acknowledge that feeling and talk with people then ......

More to reflect upon but now I must start my studies.

Bliss
XX

Wise reflection

 Ajahn Munindo

OK - just having breakfast and a cuppa Green ... also reading the little book of light reflections I picked up last evening.
The thing I like about Buddhism (when people are not turning it into a law) is that it is reflective of all life as it is
and not trying to change it into a Guru's direction or that there is one way. i.e. there is less judgement of people, beliefs, attitudes etc and more about encouraging people to consider themselves and also within their community changing plus consider what is unhealthy for each individual individually
And I read this this morning .....

"It has been my intention that by.sharing my personal reflections in this way, others might feel encouraged to engage in their own contemplative ability. There is a tendency perhaps fr Buddhist practitioners in the West to try to find peace and understanding by stopping thinking. Yet the Buddha tells us that it is by yaniso manasikara, or wise thinking, that we come to see the true nature of our minds, not through just stopping thinking."

This is a relief to read as so many people have said I must learn to empty my mind. But for me it is letting the thoughts become conscious and observing the thinking, understanding what drives that way of thinking. I do look for the gaps between thoughts too but even that is a thought most of the time. At least I no longer give myself a hard time for sitting in meditation thinking.
I was thinking last night about so many things, even thinking about the fact that I fell asleep a few times despite having had a good sleep the night before so realising how exhausting writing and essay is - putting together thoughts and supporting them with evidence. And I was thinking about the monk and his choice in life. Wondering about his journey and watching his meditation - I wondered how he managed with temptation and human wants like sex etc. It is a hard line to choose I think.
I was also observing that sort of electric feel that goes through me at a certain point each time I sit there for the hour. It's surprising how fast the silence goes by. Yet there is like a surge of energy that seems to start somewhere in my tummy. It's difficult to describe. It seems to emanate from maybe the solar plexus and ripples out. It feels shimmery and charged yet there is a delicacy about it too. It's not sharp or harsh. I was wondering what it is and why it happens. It seems nearer the end of the hour than the beginning.
I was wondering too about the Buddha and his story. Enlightenment. How the path narrows the more I learn about myself and the devil part of me doesn't like that. The hedonistic energy which at this time scares me. But how I am seeing this pattern yet again and observing the results and links. I was wondering if I will be able to retain not just the overall lesson but also some of the detail because the bigger message is easily shot down once temptation starts nagging at me.
Practice practice practice - that's also what I was thinking. And how I don't like being attached to organisations. That's was an interesting observation - the drive of individuality and how belonging can feel like imprisonment or making me into a group instead of being me. I smile at myself because when my self esteem is reasonable I know I am an individual whatever I am doing but I know how my dependence means I am easily lost so blame the groups instead of looking at me. At least I am more discerning now.
So these are all sorts of things I was wondering about and mulling over. It was good to clear my mind of the essays at least.

The Stool of Unmanageability

I checked it out with my friends first, as I was preparing to send a birthday card. As everyone without exception pointed out, this would be breaking my own bottom line of no contact. I wanted to send a card and at the same time knew something didn't feel right. It seems rude and thoughtless. What will he think of me type thing. Well I was reminded that he knows I have requested no contact for the time being. So actually I haven't been unmanageable. It feels very sad though. Sad that it didn't work out how I it had seemed things were and sad that having not worked out it is how it is.

I have been thinking about something beautiful I read and wanted to comment further on it with thoughts that could still further be expanded upon. It would be good to have contributory debates ... oh well. Me and my thinking alone.

A report in the Independent suggests that the reduction of honeybees is connected with mobile phones. And furthermore suggests that mobiles are a threat to us humans too. ...
 There are more recent reports too ....

Are mobile phones wiping out our bees?

Scientists claim radiation from handsets are to blame for mysterious 'colony collapse' of bees

By Geoffrey Lean and Harriet Shawcross

Sunday, 15 April 2007

It seems like the plot of a particularly far-fetched horror film. But some scientists suggest that our love of the mobile phone could cause massive food shortages, as the world's harvests fail.

They are putting forward the theory that radiation given off by mobile phones and other hi-tech gadgets is a possible answer to one of the more bizarre mysteries ever to happen in the natural world - the abrupt disappearance of the bees that pollinate crops. Late last week, some bee-keepers claimed that the phenomenon - which started in the US, then spread to continental Europe - was beginning to hit Britain as well.

The theory is that radiation from mobile phones interferes with bees' navigation systems, preventing the famously homeloving species from finding their way back to their hives. Improbable as it may seem, there is now evidence to back this up.

Colony Collapse Disorder (CCD) occurs when a hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear, leaving only queens, eggs and a few immature workers, like so many apian Mary Celestes. The vanished bees are never found, but thought to die singly far from home. The parasites, wildlife and other bees that normally raid the honey and pollen left behind when a colony dies, refuse to go anywhere near the abandoned hives.

The alarm was first sounded last autumn, but has now hit half of all American states. The West Coast is thought to have lost 60 per cent of its commercial bee population, with 70 per cent missing on the East Coast.

CCD has since spread to Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Greece. And last week John Chapple, one of London's biggest bee-keepers, announced that 23 of his 40 hives have been abruptly abandoned.

Other apiarists have recorded losses in Scotland, Wales and north-west England, but the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs insisted: "There is absolutely no evidence of CCD in the UK."

The implications of the spread are alarming. Most of the world's crops depend on pollination by bees. Albert Einstein once said that if the bees disappeared, "man would have only four years of life left".

No one knows why it is happening. Theories involving mites, pesticides, global warming and GM crops have been proposed, but all have drawbacks.

German research has long shown that bees' behaviour changes near power lines.

Now a limited study at Landau University has found that bees refuse to return to their hives when mobile phones are placed nearby. Dr Jochen Kuhn, who carried it out, said this could provide a "hint" to a possible cause.

Dr George Carlo, who headed a massive study by the US government and mobile phone industry of hazards from mobiles in the Nineties, said: "I am convinced the possibility is real."

The case against handsets

Evidence of dangers to people from mobile phones is increasing. But proof is still lacking, largely because many of the biggest perils, such as cancer, take decades to show up.

Most research on cancer has so far proved inconclusive. But an official Finnish study found that people who used the phones for more than 10 years were 40 per cent more likely to get a brain tumour on the same side as they held the handset.

Equally alarming, blue-chip Swedish research revealed that radiation from mobile phones killed off brain cells, suggesting that today's teenagers could go senile in the prime of their lives.

Studies in India and the US have raised the possibility that men who use mobile phones heavily have reduced sperm counts. And, more prosaically, doctors have identified the condition of "text thumb", a form of RSI from constant texting.

Professor Sir William Stewart, who has headed two official inquiries, warned that children under eight should not use mobiles and made a series of safety recommendations, largely ignored by ministers.

"In the whole Universe, there is nothing static, dead or frozen. Everything, but absolutely everything, is in eternal movement. Even within the so-called still nature reigns the same intrinsic law of movement. Movement and newness, in p...erfect interconnecteness, affirm themselves as uniqueness. In order to be able to encounter the newness of the aliveness in its movement, we must come out and greet it the same way. Thus, we don’t return to the past, to what happened, nor we project ourselves into the future, in pursuit of an imaginary purpose or ideal to fulfill. With a completely empty mind, we simply watch life as it unfolds. Nothing comes between us and the movement of life, in the form of images, opinions etc. Such a simple and direct meeting with the moment transcends us spontaneously from the finite world into Infinity. And just as quickly, like lightning, we detach, in order to be free again, and therefore completely available to encountering the next moment. Nothing is anticipated and nothing is accumulated from the lived moment. The purity, innocence of the mind is our constant companion, as each moment becomes an opportunity of creative “being”. Through this way of “being” - as pure Consciousness - we ourselves create a new world in which Love, beauty, compassion and kindness become a reality which positively influences the whole of humankind." Ilie Cioara

I like this too - and can engage with the idea very easily when in a good state of mind. I do think though, that it takes a lot of practice and would be concerned that unpracticed if I forget that I come to each unfolding experience with my past attached then I might not be observant of my beliefs, memories, attitudes etc that will inform my experience. Furthermore, I am concerned that in detaching as easily suggests not having any feelings associated with the change and sometimes sense of loss or change associated with joy. I think it is important to detach yes and at that time to acknowledge the emotions and allow time for those to heal or not to react on joy with excitement. Personal time is also as important as being able to live life with the ever changing environment and experiences. Nothing is standing still but somethings are happening so slowly like the way mountains are eroding or glass is altering. We do create our world and being mindful of our part is important I believe.

Bliss

XX

 

Embarrassed

I would like to add that I am embarrassed and ashamed too of behaviours that I have wrwitten about. At the time I was fully involved and not ashamed within the situation. But I would not share openly with friends of mine.
I think it is good to have this all out as public to show how everthign can become so devastating yet at the time seem so great and exciting. The ups and downs. I know that there were some real emotions in there too. Each time as well.
I make this available publicly now because it is actually my entire story as it unfolds. I see how destructive or how wonderful and beautiful things can be - it is a journey and one that gradually is becoming narrower even though the river is widening.
I step towards self improvement and enlightenment with every awakening and thank the Universe for me being one of the people that is waking up.
I am grateful despite the difficulties along the way

Bliss
xx

Itching and scratching

If you wish to becone enlightened in a few days, it would be too presumtuous. It is very important to apply sustained effort, like the continual flowing of a stream.

Quote from the Dalai Lama

The difficulty is as a human being applying the ffort like a continual stream. I find that when there is "pain" and I get back into the flow I benefit and thigns change for the better. I am inspired and excited by the learnign and the growth that comes through this effort. IN true addict style, I can get very wrapped up in the effort and the teachings themself I can make the HIgher Power or in other words, I can get out of balance and forget to do all the other things in life as well that contribute to my well being. I can make the teachings so overly important and expect to get all my needs met from them. So it's important to incorporate the teachings and practice as a part of my daily life, whilst ensuring I bring my principles into every area of my life.
There is another problem though. After a while I can get bored and want a different kind of excitement. I can easily trick myself into justifying it too. But that may be explained later.
I sometimes refer to this process within me as a little devil or addiction or similar. With Bi-polar within me I can also see how it's something that triggers off. It doesn't really matter what is is that happens deep inside me. The important thing is to become better at recognising it and stay close to the supportive friends I trust. There are not so many but there are enough. It's a powerful force. It grows strong within me and then temptation is greater than the desire to stay close to fellowships, friends, the flow of the river.
I recognise that during 2009 I was beginning to get the "itch". Having been single for a while and worked HARD on the CODA steps and growth of self I told myself it was time to put the learning into practice within a relationship. A few life events then created the possibility to pursue that desire. I was ill with Swine Flu, I watched a DVD about happiness which mentioned SecondLife. SL had been mentioned in a lecture earlier in the year connected with my degree. And years previously I was working as a student therapist and emcountered for the first time addiction in the form of virtual worlds. Temptation was growing. I entered SecondLife and many many triggers were set off. Behaviour that I didn't like from the off but in my enjoyment of SL and partially wishing to make amends in line with the flow of the river I stayed. Gradually the spiritual path was dwindled away and yet I was thinking I was being spiritual until I got involved 100%. My wants were being met and I fell for the feeling of love and being loved. All of this then became my HP. I believed in my investment and yet principles were also pounding away.
I was aware I was not spending time with my friends. I was working but was also very distracted. I was not attending meetings or practicing steps etc. I was thinking I was following interests such as creative flows etc but they were involved with and entirely wrapped up with JH. I swung from the "good" to entirely "desire". This does not undermine all the feelings I had or shared or encountered. It is looking at it with the defective parts of the process.
So I swing between all or nothing to something else being all.
I am afraid of this itch, this boredom, this energy burst within me. I love it when I am "in" it. It brings adventure and experiences out of the normal zone. BUT it is usually destructive on the other side of it.
I need to find a way to be able to keep in with the rivers flow ........
This doesn't mean I have to miss out on the way of life and might include any number of the things that I think I would like, not least to be in a mutually loving relationship where we are in love and intimate including sexually intimate. But when that desire becomes triggered by the itch, it takes over as a driving force. It's just one example but a regular feature. And then afterwards I am re-traumatised and require periods of time gathering back together.
It is not the only process that goes on within me. I am wholesome and rounded therefore lots of things are going on. But it is one and one that I pray I will be able to be more aware of and be guided differently how to manage without the total loss and devastation that ensues.

Bliss
XX

Think I am having difficulty publicising that I have been diagnosed once again with Bi-polar. It is not the first time and actually I agree with it. I know it's mild and I know I have managed it at different times. I was interested that the psychiatrist talked about Bi-polar linked with trauma at a yound age and the re-traumatising through experiences in life. SC refers to re-traumatising and I see it.
It's manageable with drugs but I do not want them. They are very debilitating.
I am concerned how people make judgements a write people off when dioagnosed with anything. Boxed and lids shut tight.
I look forward to a world where everyone and every type can be embraced. Labels are potentially devastating! Well those people that want to avoid will and there is nothing I can do about this. The thing is I can get help through the label too and the characteristics help me to get some personal clarity and management tools. I would like to have some contact with Stephen Fry. I get such grandiose ideas. Ha ha - why should he want any contact with me when there are so many people diganosed and managing. I am one in many!
ML thinks she is similar.

Bliss
XX