Gradually, gradually, a moment at a time, the wise remove their own impurities as a goldsmith removes their dross.
Dhammapada v.239
Ajahn Munindo says ....
No amount of wishing things were otherwise gives us what we long for. We want the pure gold of pristine awareness so we need to enter the fires of purification. This verse instructs us on how to watch over the burning: too much heat - we are trying too hard - enduring heedlessly we get hurt in out practice. Not enough heat - shying away from difficulties - following preferences for comfort and ease, there is no improvement in our practice. We just become more foolish as the years go by. Our habits are the dross and with gradual fine-tuning of our effort we learn letting go. The aim of all this work is the realisation of the state of luminous awareness. We then have something inherently valuable to share with others.
I have to get on a get my place cleaned in readiness for my new laptop delivery this morning. But first I will take a moment to reflect on this verse.
Oh I spent the early hours of this morning dreaming partly in wakefulness and mainly in sleep I think. I was dreaming about the film I saw last night Never Let Me Go. There is sadness and something else I cannot out a name to or even describe I don't think. It's a sort of floaty feeling. Not as in in floating freely but a sort of lost wistful floating.
It certainly has had an affect on me.
I also am really weirdly hurting. My shoulder started being a nuisance ache about 2 days ago. Now it is very very painful. This morning I could only sleep in certain positions and I can barely move my arm before it is excruciating pain. What the hell is this? I can't recall doing anything in particular. I am not sure that it isn't related to hormones. I say this because just a few days ago my knee starting hurting unreasonably and for no apparent reason. I thought maybe I had twisted it or something along those lines. I had trouble putting full weight on it in certain positions for instance putting that leg down first going up a step. How peculiar. of course, I started thinking too much about it, and before long I was thinking it was Cancer and I would be offered the chance to have my arm amputated. Crazy thinking huh? I laughed at myself when I eventually rolled out of bed. But even so my arm hurts - a lot!
This reading is a reminder from another verse that wanting brings suffering or in my thoughts disappointment which can be a version of disappointment. The reading also reminds me of perfectionism. The desire to get things done perfectly, have all the shortcomings sorted and removed so becoming perfect. And in order to achieve this perfectionism, trying too hard resulting in a complete burn out of despair and a sense of failure, lowering self-esteem. All this contributing to an unfulfilled sense of life. On the other hand, doing absolutely nothing at all means no change. This too would result in lack of purpose or unfulfillment, lack of worth. If nothing changes, nothing changes as they say in the rooms of the fellowship.
This reading also reminds me of Step 6 and Step 7. Becoming aware of the shortcomings and in time they will go. Awareness to me is always 50% of the journey. The more aware I am then the more willing I become to make changes. With willingness, change will surely come about because I will put in action. However, this is where I have to let go as it is not in my time that the change takes place. Change occurs with time and practice. So none of these things can be taken in isolation. Awareness by itself is not enough. Allowing for time and experience and probably some degree of pain, emotionally and spiritually as well as mentally is sure to be a part of it. Most changes come about through a degree of pain otherwise there is no need to change anything.
The things we need to change are mainly learnt, practiced and developed shortcomings. They probably once served a purpose after all we have got this far. However, if they are now bringing pain to ourselves or indeed to someone else that in turn hurts us, then it is time to take stock, become responsible and make changes.
What do you think?
I wish some of the readers would make comments. I am interested in others opinions too as this helps me to grow beyond my own mind.
I am meeting my father later today. He left a message finally. I had been thinking that maybe he had decided to break contact with me. The last meeting was very painful for both of us. Today he wants to return the photos he borrowed. He sounded upbeat and cheerful on the phone. Nothing specific was said. I explained I am having my laptop delivered some time this morning. So I will call him when that's done and we will meet in Petersfield for a coffee.
I am wanting to thank him for pointing out the ways in which my behaviours and attitudes had affected him. I then want to say how sorry I am. I am already very aware that my behaviour over the years has not been good and know that it's had an impact on many people and on choices I have made. I am very sorry for many things as a result.
I will try to be specific - I know he referred to having sleepless nights when I was living with them. I was getting crazier and crazier at that point and I can own those events. I am not sure how to own the sex and love addiction. And how much detail is actually required but in AA it's about being honest and saying sorry. I have changed enormously in many areas. Of course the craziness that resulted after meeting with JH last year was not wellness. I fell in love and the hurt of the fallout almost destroyed me again. From that point of view things are getting worse. Hence I am desperate to do whatever it takes to get me well. Things are shifting. Blimey with my dad things are changing beyond anything I thought possible.
What I fin strangest of all though is that right now I want to make amends for my own behaviour. I also feel there is a shift of focus from my dad. BUT what on earth do I do with the anger I feel. Previously I have felt blame and resentment and rage. And it was placed onto him. I am raging as well at the loss of him when I lost my mum. I am angry that he seems to have detached himself which appears as if he doesn't love me and was just glad to get away from all that was mum.
Anyway today is perhaps not the right day to make my verbal amends. I can try to just be more breezy with him without avoiding matters raised last time. I don;t want to be walled up either. I feel a little freer but that is because I have expectations again which of course can lead to disappointment. I think I will have tapped into his own guilt I don't know. That is an assumption as I see my dad has difficulty with himself. He is very self conscious and it comes out in anger and even hatred towards others. Keep them away so as not to be exposed. I see that.
Whenever he asks me what I have been up to I am cagey. I will try to be more me. What have I been up to? Working hard and trying to study as well. Got 75% in my last assignment. Disappointed not doing better i.e. a first but this is a 2.1 and I am working full time as well. I am thinking about working 4 days a week for the next 2 years. And I am feeling jealous that my friend will complete her degree next year and can then consider her MA already. Jealous yes but really pleased for her growth and development. She may someday be able to feel free enough to get her creative writing out into the public arena. I would love to read her work.
I have a real interest in the arts- literature, poetry theatre, music, paintings. I love going to galleries but haven't been able to go this month. I did get to the book slam with friends on Thursday. I loved laughing as I listened. Those sort of things I can talk about. And the things going on at work. The hope to get recognised for the senior support I give my team leader but not having had time to speak with the Manager. And the counter transference with the denial in the clients right now. Concerns about what to do in the future. Just so uncertain. I can talk about all of these things with him and share my feelings about this as I go along. I do not need his approval to feel about these things. He may not be able to deal with them but I don't need him to. I manage them and with help from people who can hear me and support me.
OK I need to go and hoover.
Bliss
XX
