Murderer at large

I had a dream that I didn't realise was a dream for quite some time. This is unusual as I am aware most of the time that I am dreaming and therefore feel a semblance of control about the direction of the dream. I had a dream last week as well when I wasn't aware I was in a dream. I can't remember the content but I think that was also fearful.
In this dream Derek was involved. I cannot quite remember how he was involved. I was staying in this sort of hotel, which has reminded of a nightmare style dream from ages ago. I lived in this room and next door was this older man. He informed me that he was going to kill someone. He suckered me into the plans telling me that I could not tell anyone. I completely believed him but I cannot recall the reasons it was imperative he killed someone. I can see him. He was old and thin, maybe in his 70's. He was bald and wrinkly skin. He was wearing a brown suit. Little wiry glasses. He was upright and quite able-bodied. His room was dark with just one room. I saw the rifle, in fact I can see him holding it and walking around the room with it. I had known him as my neighbour and felt warm and friendly and sort of protective in a way.
That someone he was going to kill though was one of my best friends A. I was terrified and told Derek and he too told me that I mustn't break the mans confidence. I went off to the big conference thinking that I should tell someone but that I couldn't. I remember looking back at the hotel and there were two buildings, both modern and low-rise (is there such a thing) maybe just 2 or 3 storeys high, which I thought was odd. I was confused as to which one I lived in. one was the Intercontinental. As I got to the big meeting hall A and her mum were sitting at the back. I sat next to A and suddenly could not bear the thought of her being killed, shot dead. I sat there for a while, becoming more conscious somehow of the reality of what was going to take place. I knew he would be preparing to be on his way. I didn't say anything to A but ran off to tell the authorities. One was Rosa the nurse and she was sort of security amongst others in the room. They were in a room that was all windows and lunging about. I was trying to explain the urgency and I didn't seem to be getting anywhere. At this point of panic I realised I was in a dream and could wake myself up. I did and shook myself with the angst I was feeling. I felt guilty too for not having listened to my initial thoughts of how wrong the mans intentions were.
Very strange. Dreams often are.
I just spoke with A and told her my dream. I know she doesn't get superstitious about such things. But is also interested in the emotions that are evoked by dreams. I wonder what had triggered all of that?

Anyway I am currently struggling with getting my essay done and now I will need more time this week. I better put in for the extension. I am now off on Monday as well and doing Aftercare on Tuesday so have time off which is lovely. However I have to use annual leave entitlement for the privilege. This Bank Hol situation is most peculiar really. Not what I am used to I suppose from an industry sector. Private hospitals are a rule unto themselves. They say they are not making good profits. I suppose I have to believe them and be grateful they take measures to keep the place operating. Although this year we have been busy almost consistently.
Anyway I am off so can enjoy the longer than planned rest.
I am concerned about being able to maintain my studies. My working days are too long for me. what I would like is a shorter working week without losing any income. I am struggling already with income.
I would like to be travelling less but still working in this field that I love. I would truly like to get a job at Sporting Chance plus be able to start getting my own practice together and with that have more time for me as well as enough money to cover all expenses and a little for me. I am not a big spender and still struggling to cover all my costs. I do get to do some nice things but I rarely buy clothes or take any pampering for me. After Christmas I will stop paying out the loan for my car which will help enormously. But not with time.
I need money and time. Or do I give up my course?
So many options and yet they all involve giving up something and is it greedy to want it all?
I laugh as these really are high class problems right now. I have a roof over my head that actually is pretty splendid compared to lots. I have an income that enables me to enjoy certain luxuries and pleasures. I have a job I enjoy. I have good friends. I have LouLou. I have a car and can afford the fuel at the moment. Yep I have a lot but have a dilemma as well. And so far I do not know which of the suggestions feels most right.
One that does make sense is to see if I can get a transfer of living to Grayshot. I believe they will simply say no but unless I ask .......

I do often feel ashamed of the way in which my decision to live my life has resulted in me with nothing to show for the high flying business woman. So many properties I have walked away from. Crazy me. But unstable enough to be able to deal with it all. If only people had known then that it was bi-polar related. I wonder if things would have been different.
It's never ever been boring though. I just need support to be more stable and contain me when I am higher. All I ever got was a telling off and disappointment from others. When what I really needed was help! Gosh it all seems so clear now looking back. I can see the high swings and the crazy involvements. It just wasn't overly severe or I gave a semblance of normality in between. Yep it's as clear as day now.
Right away from this distraction and write write write

Bliss
XX

Fuzzy Felts

Them

Frida

"I hope the exit is joyful — and I hope never to return — Frida"

How I relate to this sentiment!  Sometimes.
Her exhibition at Pallant House, Chichester. I am looking forward to it. It was interesting seeing the film Frida. Played by Thalma Hayek she was a very interesting character. Another creative who was off-centre. Is everyone in their own way? Or are creatives a little more 'mental health' than others?
I am certainly off centre!!

It was an interesting visit. There were not so many paintings to see and even fewer of Diego Rivera. I did love the photos of Frida taken by an early lover of hers, Nikolas Muray. Oddly her paintings resembled his photos of her. Just looking out at us.


Her story was quite wild really. At a young age she suffered with polio leaving her with one leg thinner than the other. She always wore long skirts. Later she had a terrible accient which involved her requiring lots of operations. Both her ankles were broken, amongst other broken bones. Internally her injuries were severe and left her unable to give birth. She had three miscarriages. One of the paintings I saw today was so sad relating to her own sadness at the loss of her baby before birth.
I am aware this is one of many sketches and paintings that Frida produced to help her with her grief.

She started painting during the recovery period following her accident and was encourgaed by her photographer father and her painter husband, Diego Rivera. They were both comfortably financed, he was selling his own art well and commissioned extensively for his murals. Thre were thrree paintings of his that I particularly liked.






The use of the flowers was rrepeated I believe but these were three of the paintings I actually saw. I absolutely adore the the portrait of Natasha Gelman. No doubt he had an affair with her - well that's an assumption based on the reputation he had as charasmatic and a serial lover. Mind you Frida also was frequently having affairs with men. They even divorced at one time and then remarried. When she died apparently he said he realised he loved her and was grief stricken. She was 47 years old when she ides. He died a few years later.
I imagine their relationship was fraught with tensions based on their extreme lifestyles.
My friend and I were discussing the influence of Diego's own work on Frida. There is certainly a 2 dimensional element to both. And this we likened to Rousseau as well.

There were one or two that I really enjoyed seeing of Frida's. Somehow it is not great art in my opinion and yet mocing nonetheless. Her pain is borne out through her paintings. Their story and her story are interesting. I am very very glad I went to see it. I think the Pallant overcharge for such a small collection but I was able to walk around the rest of the galelry and see other art works that I also enjoyed.




Anna Fox - commisioned photography of Butlins, Bognor Regis




I liked the photos - well some of them. It was a piece of work. But with the crew she had - someone for lighting, someone for somethign else, and another for another else it was surely not possible not to capture the moments. I know it takers and eye to get the shot. I did like the way in which there was usually a kid that just looked right into the camera at the moment of the shot. Apparently that was not a set up!

I really liked this by Michael Andrews



and this too



There was an aquatint - I have no ida what that actually is but I loved loved loved the piece but cannot remember the name of the artist. Damn it!

And there was a room for the Manuel and Loa Alvarex Brave - Mexican photographers. She learnt from him and then went on to become a very established photographer in her own right. They seperated later on....

Manuel







Lola




Humph!! I cannot find the other couple of photos I saw of hers on the internet.
Of course they both took photos of Frida and Diego. A double conection for the gallery, the Mexican connection and the Diego Frida connection and great creators emerging from Mexiaco at that time.

Ah ha found him - Colin Self





Then we had lunch and strolled around Chichester

Bliss
XX

Fences protecting truedom

Truth sets you free; freedom has boundaries; boundaries protect you in the truth.

Bliss
XX

The cooker

A Winter's Bone
A film interesting to watch for a culture really unknown to me yet somerthing I am aware of. Set in the Ozarks Missouri. The cooker is the missing father who cooks up methamphetamine. The story really is of the dark interrelations surrounding this drug culture. But it is also about the so-called dark community of secrets and support.
I don't think we have anything like this lifestyle in the UK. The poorest of the poor, keeping their own laws, looking out for their own. The nearest thing I suppose are the travellers and even when they are "settled" they seem to have their own inner world, their own way of dealing with the law. There is an od moral code. It's not a world for the world, it's about them and us but even within them no one messes with the toughies. Fear is the law.



Jennifer Lawrence acts the part well I thought. There was only one reference I think to abused girls when Ree (Jennifer) says her little sister wasn't the shining one. I am not sure what else this was referring to. I wasn't fully present throughout the film.
Yes I thought it as a good film. Oh and I did wonder how the kids had so many expensive toys???? Yet they were the poorest of the poor.
I can let go of those things though for the value of the story and a walk through this life that I have absolutely no experience of.

Bliss
XX

In passing ...