A deathly old poem

Burying the dead

You don't phone me anymore!

I feel guilty, but I'm not to blame.

I don't know where you are

I want to see you, hear you,

Laugh or comfort you.

Just moan at me once more.

Tell me what to do.

I need to know you haven't changed.

I've deleted you from my address book!

Lisa

It's difficult for me to believe that this young woman is now dead.

Bliss
X

Falling in love on the Pont-Neuf

A strange film. Such an unlikely event or is it? I wonder how close I have been to becoming a vagrant? Ha ha. But I never have done so that's a stupid thing to say...


At times it was very obvious this was a set and this was a little distraction to begin with. Nevertheless the story was compelling and I cared about the 3 characters. It was gruesome in parts. Shock tactics I suppose. And the ongoing love unlikely. However a compelling story nonetheless and I am such a cynic. What did I spot that was new or different? A glimpse reminder of the Metro. Living rough. Love in the midst of chaos - finding a somebody to love. But one of the decades most thrilling films? I think not. Good to watch but not amongst the best. I would welcome hearing other points of view. I enjoyed it but don't think it's a classic for me.
Directed by Leos Carax and starring Juliette Binoche and Denis Lavant. Apparently it was one of the highest budget French films. Surprisingly in my opinion.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

I don't know what to do with myself ...
Listening to the first episode of Life and Fate Vasily Grossman - not really listening.
Was going to sketch Lisa but I looked at her beautiful photograph and just can't believe that she is dead. The photo shows her so alive and happy, a big big smile.
Thinking about a film but can't be bothered. I have eaten and just want more. I want someone to be caring for me and wrapping me in loving hugs and parenting me. I feel the vacuum right at this moment of that not existing.
I want to shout it to everyone and someone be able to contain my feelings - to take it away? Perhaps. But more to tell me it's all going to be OK and the nasty stuff is all going to be better in the morning.

I wrote to J ....
"My cousin died today - just 41 and 3 beautiful little girls
Wonder why and at the same time know how to answer that
Wonder why not me when I have invited death and know how to answer that too
I feel sad but don't feel I have a right to as I have stayed at a distance forever.
Grieve the loss of whatever could have been if I hadn't been so distant
Feel angry!
I feel nothing all at the same time"

I feel good that I am aware. Yet I feel so unaware too. It makes no sense and that's just it. It is all so much bigger than me that I am not going to understand the reasons if there even are any. It's the way of the world.
Why her - as if it's unfair and the death of someone else would be more justified. I don't believe that but I feel so confused. So so so confused.
I miss my mum so much. It hurts in my heart.
It doesn't seem right at all.
It doesn't seem to be true at all.
This odd thing of death - people snapped out of my life forever. Not much different than those that were gone - the earliest one being about 5 or 6 years old and my lovely lovely little friend was taken away.
I think that was the first time I felt so heart broken. And it's been a lifetime of heart break amidst adventure and newness and fun and laughter and fear and anger - the wholesome bounty of being alive.
Phew Man! It's full and plentiful being human. The ups and downs of emotions.
Always wanting only to feel good and not pass through the difficulties. Here I am looking at me in feelings that feel inexplicable and painful. Looking at myself.

Oh and I realised today I do not want the Team Leader job at all. All too stressful. perhaps I don't have it in me anymore. Perhaps I just cannot face the demands without feeling stressed. I simply don't like it. And it somehow removes me being in contact enough to do the therapy in the way that I feel most at ease. Nope it's not for me. Not a good career decision but I really don;t want an escalating career. I would like to develop a reputation as a good therapist and that can only occur if I practice therapy.

Dadaism - Kurt Schwitter, Billy Childish, Marcel Duchamp

R.I.P. Lisa 20Feb70 to 19Sep11

I feel like SCREAMING!!!!!! My cousin dies today at 1pm
I received this text "Bliss Just to let you know we lost our beautiful L at 1pm today speak soon lol x"
I am mixed up with my feelings. I felt a smiling in my eyes. And as I am often reminded people laugh at inappropriate things when they don't know how to react. I cried when thinking of her as a little girl and thinking of her little girls now. Thinking of how a little of the childlike joys and carefree attitude will today have been snuffed out - hopefully there will be passion and adventure and freedom sometime in the near future. I think of my auntie. My uncle. I feel so far away and no rights to feel anything. I want to speak to someone in the family but do not have that contact with anyone. I want to know strange things like what it was like this last few days knowing she was saying goodbye to her lvoed ones. What the fuck? Why do I want to know that??? This is not about me for goodness sake.
I feel angry and loading all my anger on projections with the P. Just somewhere to place the anger. I don't believe in a religious God but I am raging at the religious God. Where the fuck were you then? Huh?
I think it should have been me even though thinking about being in the last hours facing death I have felt a chill of fear run through me. It's not upon me as I write this - completely detached from that fear. I don;t understand why her not me when I have wanted death, invited it. It makes no sense and yet I know the answer to the question too.

My cousin died today.

Email to M - mental health "issues"

With regard the mental health systems and stifling creativity -
I speak regularly with my supervisor and colleagues the fine line between challenging peoples denial as they want to move away from addictive processes and then humanistically following their lead and exploring self-efficacy etc.
Finding a comfortable mix of prescriptive methods when it comes to dealing with the control addiction and often working with dual diagnoses - such as bi-polar, depression etc etc. I really firmly believe that the labels are very useful for a person to make indentifications with others with similar symptoms and some treatments vary according to symptoms. However, I also beleive that the way forward is what actually matters. So here are the symptoms but what actio is taken from then on is the key.
With knowledge individuals can make healthier choices. And change is only required when something is not actually working anymore. Sometimes though people do not see the extent of the consequences. I rarely see the depths I have gone to when I am in the middle of it all. IN hindsight I see much more clearly. And I am much more open to finding different ways to get out of the quagmires I create.
I really like the open debates I can have with different mental health workers on ways to improve the support we give to clients. I also am liking the support I have started to receive from the psychiatrist I have seen. I marvelled that he held a similar philosophy to my own. It is useful learning about bi-polar from the inside of me. It all makes so much sense and creating that narrative of my past with new insight. Just like the earlier days of Step One and seeing the patterns - now with added knowledge I can see how everything was so interlinked and still is.
Helpful hindsight - but how I go forward is todays importance. Finding new ways of enhancing and embracing more of me that I have discovered  - without dampening the real me.
Dr Greeson agreed with me when I said the label is helpful but it's just life and my version of life.

Anyway always interesting debates. Oh and having learnt about bi-polar in my course this year it holds a lot of interest and also a lot of reality. Every brain is wired with imperfections - it's blinking well incredible any of us survive at all. Such a complex, awesome structural creation is our brain and the central nervous system. Wows me with every little thing I read and learn.

Bliss
XX