Keeping the faith

I've nearly completed my essay. It's a relief and I am glad that I have stuck with it. I haven't thought withdraw, I truly haven't. Less so than the previous 2 years actually. And I am beginning to accept that I really do need more time to make a point a day in way that is quality-ish essay content. When I try to do it all in a couple of days - well it's pretty much rubbish. This is not so helpful of course with my circumstances when working full time with 25 days annual leave. I am praying to God to show what it is I actually need to do and then praying for patience as I want an answer now. Ideally in the shape of £10,000, so that I can work 4 days per week without dropping any salary too. This might get me through the next 2 years. Oh but also a local job so that petrol costs are reduced and also more time is available from a shorter journey. If is Thy will God. But then I get scared thinking what will the costs be? Not a nice company, no great clinical supervision or worse still none at all, not liking the team of staff, an unpleasant environment, less freedom to be the therapist I am, dreadful company politics (yep they could be worse than they are now), uhmmm and all the costs I haven't considered. God I am full of fears and I pray for faith. That's all I need and then everything is once again OK.

I am meeting with dad this morning. I had offered and we even arranged to meet more locally to him. But he called me back last evening and said we'd meet in my local town. I checked again but he insisted saying that he wanted a change of scenery. We laughed together about him adventuring the world. Who would have thought that I could be so light-hearted with my dad. With the help of B, FA, God and weighed and measured food, I have been changing my attitude. It's remarkable, a miracle. And so healing.
Until that is I start talking about sexual abuse and the cringes in my body when he attempts to kiss me. In my mind I am certain that's it's bigger than it actually is. It being the repulsion developed from memories of past events. But as I talked about it this morning, I could feel my body tense up and disgust spreading through every vein and nerve ending. I must remember this as evidence that it was real. You see when my dad and I are able to get along I start telling myself I've been lying. It took much therapy to get to a point when I could hold on to the strong memories I have. They were inappropriate acts even if not penetrative. I have a sense of penetration as well though but only a sense. I am not sure about that.
But the love versus hatred of the sinister can leave me very confused. No wonder I have been icy with my dad and it's felt as if the only way to keep myself safe was to keep him as far away as possible but with too much fear to have no contact at all. I am glad to have stayed as close as I was able to as I see a way through, which is healing for me. Not for everyone but for me it truly is.
I pray for forgiveness, I pray for him to be free of the sinister element if it's still there and to be free of any bad feelings for anything about his life.
I am aware of his shortcomings and can be accceptant of those without being so icy and distant. I am me and can look after myself without needing to keep him away. I still get hurt when I'm vulnerable and wanting him to repair me. But if I am just me and show up without expectations towards and negative or positive slant, then all will be OK. I would not for example share feelings with him today with an expectation of him understanding and being able to hold them with me. I can share feelings with him but holding them myself. This is a miracle. Don't you think?

I raised the point with B this morning about sexualising feelings and using fantasy. And then how repulsed by myself I can be. The only way not to be repulsed is to withdraw completely, and mostly I intend and have been avoiding sexualising emotions. But also the way in the past has been to completely buy into it and for me as an addict that escalates so very quickly. It's like a growth that infiltrates my system in every way. I can visualise it now. It doesn't follow just one trail either. It infiltrates me completely, affecting self-esteem, the love in me, the fears, my spirit, and distorts my thinking. On a daily basis I need to abstain but I'm scared then I become avoidant as I don't know how to be in the middle. It was the same with food until I was shown how. SLAA isn't showing me how, just what not to do. B says give FA a chance so OK I will despite being ashamed to talk about this with someone who isn't immediately obvious of having done similar things or thought similar ways. There is a sort of permission to speak about these things in SLAA for the very nature of the fellowship. That's why there's AA, NA, FA, GA, WA and over 212 of them, so that identification can be made. This is a little reservation I have about B's insistence on not attending SLAA and only going to AA as there are no local FA's I can go to. Humph! Do you see my irritation too?

OK I need to go an finalise my essay ... I have more to write but will be back

Bliss
XX

When China wakes, it will shake the world

I don't normally forward things on anymore as I know I get tired of emptying my "bin" of the endless amount of STUFF that gets sent through and usually with spams attached I don't doubt. However, this made me think how little I think about the cost of things generally and focus on what seems to be a big expense. Interesting.
And it's funny really because in the last year I have really been getting cncerned about our lack of rain. I was even more concerned to learn that China have been allowed to invest in our water companies. I always forget Napoleon's proper quote about leaving China asleep - found it -  Let China sleep. For when China wakes, it will shake the world.
Like the writers have fictionalised in the past water will be the new oil. Whether we are flooded or in drought. I keep praying for rain and rejoice when it comes. I seem to be against the general wishes of others.
Daily musings over .... happy day to you......


The last bit of this "flyer" (having a brain drain moment and can't think of the right word) made me chuckle .....

Bliss
xx

COMPARING THE PRICE OF PETROL THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK!

Compared with Petrol......
Think a gallon of petrol is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Apple Juice 16 oz £1.29 ........... £10.32 per gallon.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz £1.19 ........... £9.52 per gallon.

Ocean Spray 16 oz £1.25 ............ £10.00 per gallon.

Brake Fluid 12 oz £3.15 ............. £33.60 per gallon.

Vick’s Nyquil 6 oz £8.35 ........ £178..13 per gallon.

Pepto Bismol 4 oz £3.85 ........... £123.20 per gallon.

Tippex (White out)7 oz £1.39 .......................... £5.42 per gallon.

And this is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water 9 oz £1.49 ……….. £21.19 per gallon.
£21.19 for WATER and the buyers don’t even know the source.
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
You don’t even want to compare it with perfume or after shave.
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of the ink at ................. (you won’t believe it .... but it is true .......)
£5,200 per gal ... (five thousand two hundred pounds)

So, the next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on water, or Tippex, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or, God forbid, Printer Ink!

Just a little humour to help ease the pain of your next trip to the petrol pump.
And
If you don’t pass this along to at least one person, your exhaust will fall off!!

Oppress the masses, sexualise the feelings

Could it be that some people are dyspeptic and like to stay there? Or too afraid to move out from there?
I think in the past I have been dyspeptic.
Actually I came across this word and wanted to use it. I would like to be able to have a better recall of information that trough my life has seeped into my neural pathways but then goes. Where does it go? Does it actually just disappear, gone forever? Or does it get buried or dropped into pits in the brain and overlooked.
I had a half wake half asleep dream. LouLou was playing with a baby badger. They were friends, walking along the street together. The badger kept rolling over in play with LouLou nosing it in play too. This was after having been woken by something around 3.50 am. I then thought I couldn't get to sleep, turning over ideas for my ever going essay and also worrying about time versus increasingly difficult finances. It is getting too costly to live. I am not sure how I can go forward. This Government is screwing me to the hilt. And I am not in as bad a situation as others. My neighbour for example, unwell, unable to work but benefits mean that he can not benefit from heating or food other than soup and bread. I gave him all the foods I can no longer eat. And I paid him to valet my car. He checked the oil and water levels and warned me that I need anti-freeze and windscreen wash soap. I will get that but I can't actually afford it already this month and it's only the 8th March. There is no way I can afford to work part time and yet this full time work and long journey to/from work takes any energy I have for my studying. The way I study means I need time. I am not a fast absorber of information nor able to regurgitate it with ease.
Please God show me what I need to do. I do realise I cold drop the studying and focus on more work and develop a private practice but the studying can give me the qualification needed to create a security for people - it's what people expect and also then I can have better regard from within the field of work. Education is the way for everyone t self betterment and yet this Government are making it harder to attain. Keep the masses in order - I do not like this Governments policy. I know Labour were building huge debts but at least by creating a societal equality of sorts ( and don't get me wrong I saw the growing divide under another guise) - actually lets change that and say that my ideal would be that there is a social service that is used by all. No need for private medical and educational services. The public services could be so good, creating opportunity for everyone. Apparently Denmark have high taxes but wonderful provisions, which means there is not so much to have to pay out from personal income. Smaller population perhaps? And Norway of course is very much a smaller population and a country wealthy in oil and ores so have a lot of export income. However, this system we have is wealth for the wealthy and the less wealthy get poorer. It's HORRID!
I get scared but have to keep bringing God int this. I will be OK whatever happens. Even if the world were to come to an end this evening I will be OK. It will be the end.

This though is not the end of my Blog. Oh no. I've made some more good points in my essay this morning but probably need to explain a little more the point I'm making. And I have one more point to get down and expand upon. Oh and the conclusion. The point I need to make is about object-based attention and I'm not sure what I want to say. I still feel ashamed that I have needed an extension. And how much time out I have to take to assimilate ideas. It's evidence to me that taking in the topics int he first place is not thorough. I like the creating of time lines and keep track of all theorists with their theories and experiments. That all takes time - I need time

Please God show me what is the right thing to do.
I calculated at the current rate of pay if I were to work 4 days per week full time I would need to find another £5000. This year and next - and next year probably would require more with the increases occurring every week. Help me God - is this the direction? Should I be continuing with my studying or give up this stress despite loving learning. It's not the feeling of running from it I had in 2010. No this is wondering what is the best thing to do. If I continue I will need to time to do myself justice or just do the best I can under the circumstances and not like the partial learning. Or give up and concentrate on developing my work skills. How I do that I don't know. I feel a little stuck and I really don't like being stuck in a job. It feels like prison and can cause stress.
So I know God there is a way forward. Please can you show me what it is for my best and other best interest.
I feel certain you will but I get that sort of anticipatory impatience. Perhaps the lesson is simply patience. All in Your time not mine huh?

Right a call to my dad I think. Why not?

Oh before I do, two other things that have shown up. Yesterday meeting was disappointing. I am asking what it is I go for. Noone speaks about recoevery, it's more like a group therpay session withe veryone talking about what's wrong. There is positive speak as well of course. But somehow it doesn't feel like there is one common purpose. No. I liked the sharing from the lady who spoke about ehr recent relapse, mainly because it was focused, despite being about her relapse. I think I need to change my meeting. Actually I know I need to change my meeting.
And also having read "littlegirlyone" I became focused on current bottom-line behaviour although not formally agreed with a sponsor. I had known I needed to move away from contact with inappropriate me. JC after all was married and I amongst others were secret contacts. That's not OK for me. I'm not judging the act of anyone else, just the way that erodes at my trust in others and my own self-esteem for allowing that to happen to me. And then reading littlegirlyone talking about how masturbation is hers. As if I have a right I started thinking a lot about it but this comes with fantasy for me. I engaged and feel displeased with this act. This maybe too much information for some, I apologise but my Blog does warn of explicit discussion and believe me this is tame if you haven't read earlier entries. And others may think it's very extreme to not engage with such acts. However, I am an addict and I know where this can take me. I feel such freedom from fantasy and sexual acting out. Instead of acting out I can work through the feelings that I might have sexualised. I think I seualised anxiety and fear. I am more aware. I need to speak to my sponsor about this but feel very scared to do so. I will approach the matter with her when I see her on Saturday. I think it might be easier face to face. I will see if she has a little time to speak privately.
Interestingly the sex industry is the bigest on the Internet as well as elsewhere. Politically it's another way of keeping a control on the people. Keep them sexualising life and they will be in control. Foolish us. Politicians though are captured by their on demise. Justice is had.
Yipppppeeee I will be at FA on Saturday even though most of the "faces" won't be there as they will be at S's wedding. I wish her well God.

Now a phone call and then back to the essay. I could easily sit back from it and do something else instead. But I want to give it a go - only 600 more words to write I think

Bliss
XX

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

A much posted quote I believe .... Anais Nin.
An erotic writer of French-Cuban origin. It seems I need to read some of her work. She published her journals. I guess it's common practise. Mine are published here for people to read.
Interestingly I was reading http://littlegirlyone.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/rage-and-ds-and-me-part-2/
and this is my reply to her blog entry "I wonder if perhaps there is no box anymore. And further to Robert’s comment “the first step to knowing is admitting you don’t know”, I think this can often be the most emotionally challenging, even painful. The next step surely must be the conscious discovery and putting into action new ways.
I was reminded recently (and indeed wrote some thoughts on this on my own Blog)
unconsciously incompetent
consciously incompetent
consciously competent
unconscioulsy competent
I see these of phases we go through as we walk along our trajectory of living. Interactions with people help me to become conscious of my incompetency (use the meaning lightly) and also I am drawn towards different “competencies” and can get help from those already practising them to show me. Sometimes deeper forces draw me more towards one style of competency rather than another and this is how I learn and grow. Sometimes the learning is painful simply because it’s not a healthy choice for me, sometimes it is painful because it challenges and it’s not easy to take the sacrifices.
With my shift from M/s, it’s given me a different type of experience. I have let go of masturbation as I know this has a powerful draw away from experiencing in the moment. I have a lot more to write on this matter but I’m deviating away from academia. I will write more on my own Blog when the time presents itself.
I’m glad you’re still writing here of your shifts …. I hope to be able to continue following you along your journey"
Ss she is making new discoveries and it was she who brought this to my attention.
She was writing about perhaps needing to change her Blog to be more in line with the changing her. I considered this too as changes occurred in me during the latter part of 2010 and early part of 2011. They were major changes away from a period of experimenting with my sexuality. It was a time of discovery and some things that are embarrassing to allow others to read unless specifically understanding through their own experiences of the practises I indulged in. However, I decided that it was too much a part of me to abandon. It was a part of my evolving self and will always now remain a part of that development. This is me - complete with a lifetime thus far of experiences. Paths that have taught me of things that I'm attuned to and other experiences that teach me to move away from them for various reasons. This does not mean that of course ways of life can not be re-visited but for the current time there are past situations and experiences that I do not wish to return to. Some of them are very compelling such as addiction and with active addiction comes certain behaviours and attitudes that have led me into situations. They can all come hand in hand. Right now I am feeling so free as a result of curbing addictive behaviours, those anyway that I'm conscious of, and I do not wish to return. So that means other behaviours and beliefs have gone too.
So I maintain this Blog as a journal - it's a trajectory and every part of it matters.

I need right now to get back to my essay before I lose the thread of the point I'm wanting to make. So far I make a point a day and I have two major points to make. I feel tired of it already this morning. Perhaps I just put together the info for the points and prepare to write it up tomorrow.
Seems disappointing as I wanted really to have it completed at least in first draft today. It also scares me as really I know I need a week per essay and work restricts that.
I will break again and complete the CRB form. A little action towards finding a better paid, fewer hours, more local job. If that's Thy will God.

To be continued .....

Bliss
X

Cyprian Norwid

The Larva
Cyprian Kamil Norwid

1 On the slippery London pavement In a white sublunary fog Many a person passes you, But, appalled, you single her out. 2 Is her forehead in thorns, or dirt? That's impossible to discern; Are whispers of Heaven's wonder On her lips . . . ? or a godless froth . . . ! 3 You might say that in the mud a Book of the Bible is reeling, Which no one reaches for these days, It's no time to think of virtue! . . .

4 Despair and money -- these two words -- Flash upon the scales of her eyes. Whence comes she? . . . She keeps the secret; Where goes she? . . . doubtless to a void. 5 Humanity is like that shrew Who weeps today and derides; -- What of history? . . . she knows only: "of blood! . . . " What of community? . . . just: "of money! . . ."

-translated by Walter Whipple  

Well! This really impacted me. I stumbled across Cyprian Norwid as a result of reading about Andrei Tarkovsy. I am evidently under educated. I blame the terrible school I went to and take absolutely no responsibility for my lack of application or interest in anything but hedonism.

I digress.

I love the word sublunary. I've never heard that word. Tonight in the sublunary village in amidst the downs, I sit and look up at the glistening Jupiter and Venus. Brightly looking down on me.

So this poem what is it telling me? Ugly, ugly materialism bringing with it despair and loss of faith. That's what this tells me. Is this what he witnessed of London. Streets lined with gold and despair? And no one cares about the lady tramp, starving, freezing, despairing. No sense of community at all - money and materialism are the God.

Yuch!

Mother Tongue Cyprian Kamil Norwid

"Let's first be a thunderbolt rather than a thunderclap: For wild horses thunder and whinny; First d e e d s !     - and words? and thoughts?...     - later!... The enemy has corrupted our mother tongue -- --" Energumen shouted at Lirnik And pounded his shield until it bent out of shape. Lirnik replied: "Not sword, not shield -- defend our Language, But --- masterpieces!" -translated by Walter Whipple Enurgumen apparently is a person possessed by an evil spirit or ghost. And Lirnik is a Russioan travelling Lyricist or poet. How romantic. There is something quirky about this poem don't you think/ What does it mean to me. It's strange that the evil spirited person shouts at the lyricist in blame. Actually not so odd as I write that. He blames whilst the lyricist speaks of something wonderful being the saviour. I wonder why he was writing about language being destroyed. I wonder what had prompted this in him? He will have been witnessing what many people compain about now, the ever changing use of language. However, I tend to agree that the masterpieces retain something special, never to be lost. And each language version has it's masterpieces. Nothing stays the same you see, nothing at all. MY SONG (II) Cyprian Kamil Norwid For that land where a scrap of bread is picked up From the ground out of reverence For Heaven's gifts... I am homesick, Lord!... For the land where it's a great travesty To harm a stork's nest in a pear tree, For storks serve us all... I am homesick, Lord!... For the land where we greet each other In the ancient Christian custom: "May Christ's name be praised!" I am homesick, Lord!... I long still for yet another thing, likewise innocent, For I no longer know where to find My abode... I am homesick, Lord! For worrying-not and thinking-not, For those whose yes means yes --- and no means no --- Without shades of grey... I am homesick, Lord! I long for that distant place, where someone cares for me! It must be thus, though my friendship Will never come to pass!... I am homesick, Lord! -translated by Walter WhipplePhew - either he sees all of this lacing in the place where he is but for me it is that hope to be where these values he is missing are very day. I don't think it is a place specifically, I think it is within. Thank goodness for the knowing of it, now it's just about putting in the effort to start on the path towards it. Spiritual principles. Cyprian seems to have been a man with spiritual princile and tortured by the everyday lack of them. Longing for something different, he has quite a gloomy outlook on what is. Was he depressed? Was he saddened by what he saw in the world? His poems suggest that to me? TO CITIZEN JOHN BROWN (From a letter written to America: November, 1859) Cyprian Kamil Norwid Across the Ocean's rolling expanse I send you a song, as it were a seagull, oh John!... Its flight will be long to the Land Of the Free -- for it's now doubtful whether it will arrive... -- Or whether, as a ray from your noble grey hair, White -- on an empty scaffold alights: That your hangman's son with child's hand May cast stones at the guest seagull. * Then the ropes will tell whether Your bare neck is unyielding; Then you will try the ground under your heels, That you may kick away this debased planet -- And the dirt from beneath your feet, as a frightened reptile Vanishes --      Then will they utter: "Hanged..." -- They will speak and wonder among themselves, could this be a lie? Then, before they place the hat on your face, That America, having recognized her son, Will not shout at her twelve stars: "Extinguish the feigned fires of my crown, Night falls -- a black night with the face of a Negro!" * Then, before Kosciuszko's phantom and Washington's Quake -- accept the beginning of the song, oh John... For while the song matures, sometimes a man will die, But before the song dies, a nation will first arise. -translated by Walter Whipple What do you think? Realy a man about o be hanged? Or an analogy for something else? Kosciuszko was an iconic figure for the Polish. He fought against Imperial Russia and also fought in America. Of course Washington, the first President of the United States, another pioneer fighting for rights. So perhaps I read into it that one has to stand in the line of peril and stick up for one's beliefs regardless of the cost. For istance the man could be hanged by the people even though actually he was just standing for what he believed in. Is the people though that want him hanged? No it is the greater power, the leaders, getting rid of the rebels, the trouble makers. Back to the beginning of the song, where John is offered freedom. Not fear or dread, but to know that he stood up for his beliefs and is a free man regardless of the outcome. Oh and stands beside worlds great freedom fighters. Kosciuszko and Washington. What Did You Do to Athens, Socrates?Cyprian Kamil Norwid What did you do to Athens, Socrates, That the people erected a golden statue to you, Having first poisoned you? What did you do to Italy, Alighieri, That the insincere people built two graves for you, Having first driven you out? What did you do to Europe, Columbus, That they dug you three graves in three places Having first shackled you? What did you do to your people, Camoens, That the sexton had to cover your grave twice, After you had starved? What in the world are you guilty of, Kosciuszko, That two stones in two places bear down on you, Having first had no burial place? What did you do to the world, Napoleon, That you were confined to two graves after your demise, Having first been confined? What did you do to the people, Mickiewicz? -translated by Walter Whipple Who is Mickiewicz? Obviously someone else shamed by a place or nation. But this one has no posthumous shining glory! Of course each of the others was banished in one way or another only to be revered later on. Quite a collection of the English versions of poems I can locate. Bliss xx

My heart and conscience wants world unity and altruism and abundance for everyone, meaning sharing out and equality. Yet my subconscious self gain and there is competitiveness there too and share but keep more back for me. I want less to pay out and more to come in and self improvement.
What is all of this? ow do I know what I truly want?

Andrei Tarkovsky brought these thoughts forth in me. I know little about him and yet it seems he is classic in film making. I must read more. History of these things fascinates me. We are the legacy of the past.



Ah ha - considered a leader and master of his time. Yes I see how there is a certain mystique and timelessness about the film I'm watching - The Stalker. So far of what I've seen it's quite straightforward and yet also lots unsaid or unanswered. I have no idea about these men and their past just a sense of quest and desire for something maybe better or more fulfilling. Yet the Stalker himself is all knowing of the place. Why doesn't he stay there? Is it guilt that keeps him returning or knowledge that actually there is nothing there for him.
Of course the story is not Tarkovsky's not even the screen writing. But his directive interpretation is interesting and of course aged with time. The chase by the military seems feeble but maybe also because no one dare chase them in the Zone. And the wonderment of colour suddenly appearing. In commentary I read there was attention to the fact that Tarkovsky has a long 7 minute seen of the three men travelling silently other than the sounds of the rail trolley. Rhythmic music adding to the scene. It wasn't that long in the version I'm watching. But the wonder of colour and trees whereas before it's all run down buildings, grey and metallic noises is a stark contrast of something better beyond those fences and guarded gates.
Definitely atmospheric despite it's datedness. I will watch Nostalgia which was the recommendation in the first place. I'm hoping the version I have is compete with subtitles.

Everything is constantly in flux .....

When you feel happy, Bliss, really happy, it somehow seems that you've always been happy and that you'll always be happy.
The same is often true when you feel sad, or lonely, or depressed, or broke, or sick, or scared.
Something, perhaps, to remember.
ILY,
    The Universe

And today I do feel happy. I noticed yesterday I felt content with where I live, I felt content being by myself, I felt content with the weather (relieved to see some rain and intrigued by the snow and the icy temperature), I felt faith and trust in everything, I felt OK about being slow and stuck with my studying. I felt content.
And I actually noticed all of this this morning. Nothing was troubling me ,everything was OK and I could easily verbalise that I feel happy.
I am aware that it can pass and I am happy about that too as I feel utter trust. As the Universe says, each feeling will pass. Everything is changing, the moon, the stars, glass, buildings, Earth, people. Nothing in this Universe stays the same.

Talking of Universe, I saw mars this morning. Bright and right in front of me as I sat in quiet time. Not bright white like most stars. I've had a sense that there are planets in the night sky. I hadn't appreciated Mars could be seen at sunrise I must admit. And as I checked, I was right. Not only is Mars visible, and incidentally the closes to Earth it's been in a long time, but also Jupiter, Venus and Mercury. Later this month Saturn will be visible too. I find it magical, mystical and glorious. I can hear their silent movement around us. I can hear the Universe shifting and our planet circling and twisting in it's orbit. That probably sounds crazy but when I'm engaged I really am. I feel filled with life and energy and a part of.
It would be lovely if I could feel this all the time but at the same time I realise that to really feel this properly I need to not feel it at times too. It then is able to fill me. And I can draw on these times to give me the energy to get through the difficult times.
I still have the thought that I welcome death but not wishing for death and there is a difference.
I have a deep melancholy but it's a sort of knowingness that never needs to go away so long as I "live" each day.








This is approx 12th March 2012

How lucky I am to have noticed Mars this morning and thank goodness for the Internet and this website
http://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/visible-planets-tonight-mars-jupiter-venus-saturn-mercury

Bliss
XX