My first thought ...

Go with it. Roll, Bliss. Swerve.
The "unexpected" is just my way of preparing you for more than you knew to ask for.
Bounce back, serpentine, 2-step -
    The Universe

.... is usually my addict thoughts. Meanness and greed were the motivators behind the first thoughts when my dad was telling me about his wife. Promiscuity or lust, pride (lack of esteem), gluttony and fear were behind my thoughts involving D on Saturday evening.
And throughout my life I have defined myself by these first thoughts. As my sponsor reminds me I am so full of self-hatred and turn on myself at every given opportunity.
How fortunate I am that I received phone calls back from people I'd called out to yesterday. S called and was the person who suggested that my first thought is going to be the addict. But it doesn't define me. That's the ill part of me but what I do next says a lot more about me. I am acknowledging the thoughts and then praying for T and praying for K and D. I am not acting out on my first thought, in fact the opposite and so my third and forth thoughts also say a lot about me. I am wholesome, not a one dimensional addict.
And as for some surprises Unoverse, they have been complete swerve balls as I often hear people say. I was not expecting my dad to call adn say T was in a coma. And not expecting myself to question whether I believe him or not. And then the speeding camera's, and my Uncle dying and and and. Phew. But all I can do is go with this flow. I feel momentarily overwhelmed and then coe back to wondering what I am supposed to do other than learn where there are lessons obvious to me and change damaging behaviours or attitudes or thoughts. What more can I do? Nothing.. Pray for guidance and trust. I'm doing that to the best of my ability. Thank you God.
Thank you S for your wide and gentle words. Thank you G for the phone calls.
So lessons I can learn. Stop being complacent regarding sticking to speed limits! This is crucial. I cannot afford the fines and cannot afford to lose my licence. Furthermore it is the law and it's there for a purpose. The places are residential and people deserve the respect of caution.
Lavishness is not a luxury I can afford. I need to practise frugality. I start keeping a note of expenditure but I do not continue with it, denying this issue I have completely. Another call I received this morning brought this matter up. And the financial insecurity is so ugly. The fear it evokes is paralysing. It is terror, the high end of fear. I am praying to be released from it. But praying means action. OK from today I will practise the discipline of writing everything down that I spend. I have the Little Black Book to do this in and need to carry it at all times. I can leave my food plan book behind but this is a slightly different discipline.
It's so much nicer to acknowledge that I don't know how I feel about L's death last year and Uncle B's death recently announced. I really have detached from family for whatever reason and still have no inclination to be more involved and yet want the attachment as well. This is a peculiar situation. But the distance leaves me with a sort of numbness. I was fond of Uncle B and I think he was fond of me. I truly appreciated his generosity in paying for my hotel accommodation for N's wedding and sort of enfolding me into their family when my dad and T were so frosty. Wow that hurt.
I have fond memories of Christmases with their family and I really like N, my cousins company. I was always in awe of the beautiful L, cousin. She was fun and lively and so so pretty. I always thought R, cousin, was sort of uncomfortable, in the wrong skin somehow. I hope he finds a way to be himself in his latter years. He's in his 60's now and has been caring for his parents forever in one way or another. Auntie B is still alive but in a home as she is struggling with dementia and can no longer look after herself. Thank goodness they had the means to pay for this care for both Aunt and Uncle in the end. Their wealth didn't buy them health but bought them care support at least.

M is going for her interview at West Dean today. I am jealous but not envious.

Portrait of a Woman Suffering from Obsessive Envy
Jean Louis Théodore Géricault (1791–1824

Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as a resentful emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement or possession and wishes that the other lacked it.
And then jealousy is wanting it too?

I'd love to have the courage to do what she is doing. The studying at a bricks and mortar uni then going forward to do the MA. I am studying psychology though and feel a lacking of the creative arts within that. I want to achieve my degree and then consider what I do next. perhaps an MA in something creative to develop my skills? Who knows/. God help to guide me around this.
Anyway I am very excited for M. She has submitted her novel, well the first chapters written as a part of her dissertation for her degree.
My financial insecurity stops me. My fear of the future too. I am too old surely to take that kind of a risk.
But how wonderful that I can be encouraging and support M. She is taking the action to get something she believes she wants and if it's right then it shall be provided. Good for her.

OK I think I'm all written out for the time being. I feel tired already. I went to bed around 23:20 - far too late. I had intentions of doing a lot this morning. Reading, writing, sketching. I love these mornings off but then I often spend time writing. I wonder if it is all so essential and then I like to record my thoughts. It's there, it's committed thoughts. I don't know if it's too much. I have walked LouLou this morning and spoken with FA kins and been texting with M and prepared my meals and emails with J to arrange to meet when she visits from Spain. Oh a R is visiting too. All these people that I thought were no longer contacting me have.
Furthermore, my lack in self confidence is challenged when an ex client from several years ago has asked for a couple of 1:1's and a current client ran over to hug me tightly at the end of the farewell session. A 1:1 client has been referred to me from Dr F. Hmm I hope to keep it in balance though and not let this go to my head as then I come to earth with a thudding crash and brokenness all around. I smile at myself for the first thought is hatred and then I can slow down, become more gentle and acknowledge that it's all learning. I am slowly moving away from the destructive way of being.
Thank you God.
I feel a degree of serenity despite all the life things occurring.
I trust that the right paths are there to be revealed to me when I open my eyes. I now just need to have faith in God that I will be OK money or no money, job or no job, friends or nor friends, in illness and death, with or without anything. Please God I pray to really hold that faith close and action my faith.
Thank you God for being there.
My God is not a religious God. IN fact I really have no idea what my God is. It's enormity itself. Not powering over me or ruling anything. Simply there as an energy force that is almost inexplicable. If there is a plan it's not planned out. It is what it is with a million and one paths to choose from and any single one of them is the right one. None of them bad. What is gained from them is down to the humanness in me.
I pray to follow Gods spirit. To be free of the bondage of self and to do the best thing for self and others. Please God show me what and how.
Thank you.
Thank you for my abstinence yesterday and please help me to remain abstinent today.
Oh I have lost more weight and so my grains have increased to 6 oz. It feels frightening and there is a sort of false pride attached to losing weight unintentionally. I feel OK despite a few people thinking I look too thin. I don't look sexy but perhaps I am right-sized. I am following instructions from my sponsor though and that's what matters. I am not taking things into my own hands.
119.7 pounds this morning. The lowest I think was about 120 pounds. My sponsor suggests putting on a couple of pounds and not being able to afford to lose anymore.
I agree.

Bliss
XX

Shoulding all over myself

Hooray! L is on annual leave for 2 weeks. The office is so different already. We are getting the work done and with ease. I can feel my control slipping in here and there. I feel taken advantage of sometimes when S wants time off. Somehow I don't always trust her in this but that's probably me wanting something other people have. That happens. This is jealousy. They can't have it if I can't have it ind of thinking. Ugly. I'm aware of it and was able to graciously bless her need. I can manage and do that as a nice thing to do for her.
Gawd! What a phone call I've just received from my dad. His wife is in a coma in intensive care he informed me. He sound all very practical. I've heard that voice before. I hate it that he has feelings for T.
I am very concerned about my dad. Hitting his head apparently and him getting the NSPCA and NHS confused. or was he playing mind games? I think he thinks he's suggested meeting up or that I will suggest we meet up and by claiming medical things it gives him the excuse not to meet. It would hurt but I'd rather he be honest. Then of course I have the ammunition to be in self pity too. Ugly! This way though I get scared and worry or distrust. It's confusing.
When my dad was telling me about T the evil side of me was disappointed to know that the prognosis is good and that she will recover. I really hate that I think this way at all. It's nasty. God please bring T comfort and good health. Please help me to really mean this. Another thought is inheritance, a gleeful glint in my eye. Yuch! How I hate the financial insecurity in me and the way it manifests into greed and meanness. Please God can you help me to be acceptant of my situation or guide me how to change the situation. But mostly please remove the horrible defects of greed and avarice.
Why do I feel and think this way? Anger? Hurt? Grief?
I've now shared it a little, owning my feelings and thoughts. I feel ashamed of them. It's horrible.
How on earth can I express my disappointment about not knowing about my Uncle B's death or being able to attend the funeral? It just seems the wrong timing. I can be selfless in this way and I've shared my anger about it with my sponsor and others. I can take the action of sending a card to my cousins and offer my number if they'd lie to call at some point. I must get three cards and phone N for their address.
It would be bad timing and selfish and bad taste to express my needs right now.

What else? Dissatisfaction with where I live and what I am doing in my life. It somehow seems devoid of what I want and yet I don't know what I want. So God, please guide me as to what action I need to take. I have a real sense that it is to stand still right now. Focus on studying for my degree. Get my accreditation done. Nope it's still not touched. What the hell am I doing?
I want it all.
I feel that I would like to be doing something creative like my friends. Somehow it has a real pull for me. But I often want to be doing things others are doing and creating dissatisfaction with what I have and am doing. The grass is always greener as my mum would say.
Oh and grr at me - two speed cameras catching in a 30 mph zone doing 36mph and today over 40mph. I only just sent the forms for the last one off today. I am so frustrated with myself as this is money I cannot afford not to mention the points on my licence and then next year the impact this has on my car insurance. Noises of frustration reverberating around my head - a sort of groan grunt!!

But this evening I've had a number of calls from FA people. I've expressed different things whilst chatting to them. It doesn't take any of it away. Fear, sadness, confusion, insecurity, anger, annoyance, resentment, impatience, frustration. The  tiredness and self hatred to boot. Phew a Molotov cocktail. Is that ow Molotov is spelt? I have no idea. And I realise my hearing of sounds is diabolical and apparently this is a common trait of dyslexia. But to be honest within my psychology studies there are many diagnoses that list symptoms which could cut across many other diagnoses. So there is nothing finite about most illnesses and diseases. Having acknowledged that I have mental illness there would be likely to be many other symptoms that could belong to this label or that label. The fact is that I cannot hear sounds too well. And therefore the solution is to find ways as T did with the pronunciation of her name .. O = or. Fascinating phonics.
I told T about the D situation on Saturday and other T too. I sent a text to M about my dad. I told T and T about work oh and V too. I have not said that I have gone from feeling right-sized to feeling fat all within an hour. I feel swollen up. But I am slim, I know that.
Oh and I talked to T about my sorrow when thinking about losing LouLou. Seeing her getting older is so distressing. I wonder how distressed by ageing she is. She's looking worn in her eyes. She's only 13. I cannot bear the thought of her not being here anymore even though she doesn't really sit with me anymore. She really is at home and close to G. A was trying to defend against that. I'm not sure why i.e. whether it is to protect my feelings or to avoid ending up with LouLou more permanently. I would not wish to ever do that.

What a beautifully sunny and hot day. They say here this evening as we made the final shift from day into night was deep blue. A sparkling waxing moon. Oddly it is waxing and yet I could have sworn it was presenting from a waning moon side. Now that's weird. I'll miss it tomorrow as I'm working Aftercare and I get home well after 10pm. I will try to be out of the door swiftly.

Oh confidence boosters - an ex client ha called asking for a couple of 1:1's. And a current client leaving today rushed over to get a hug from me. I didn't even get to stand up fully before she was clamped around me. Apparently I said some things she really took on board. It's so useful and helpful to my self confidence which is low.
And not to mention the opportunity to earn some extra money when I will certainly need it to pay speeding fines. Ugh!!!

I think that's all. JB is producing his music. It's a project and really encouraging to hear him so enthusiastic. Worrying too that he will crash and burn if he doesn't get the balance right. He's continuing with some of the voluntary work. I admire him for finally getting going.

Right it really is way past my hour of bed time. Sleep well and until the next time
AU REVOIR
Bliss
XX

Watch out for Gremlins

Crikey! It feels like a whirlwind struck and it';s just this littl ol's thing called living life.
Where do I begin? So many observations and happenings.
Let's empty my mind as things come to the forefront of it.
Well first off was the sudden realisation when looking at my diary on iPhone that I was supposed to be going to S's (my Goddaughter) birthday party. Her 21st. Part of me didn't want to go as it involved effort especially when feeling already drained of energy after a full on holiday. However, the other part of me wanted to show up for both K and S. I made contact with them as really I had little information. I eventually spoke with K and arranged to get to her house. She informed that D (ex-husband) would be there and that was extra motive. Now that's interesting, so hold that thought. I also learnt that it was a fancy dress party!! Well I was not at all prepared for fancy dress and was thinking of wearing the dress I bought from Monsoon from A and G's voucher for my birthday. However I suddenly realised it was a proper party and hunted through some other ideas ending up wearing my very lovely pink dress from Karen Millen. I bought it years ago when with S and wore it only once before now. The only time I was slim enough. I look tiny in it. It was amazing to want to dress up and feel OK being dressed up. I didn't want to look as if I was competing with 21 year olds but at the same time wanted to dress up. Lovely.
I arrived in good time to eat my pre-prepared supper and then we were off to the club. Wow! K is so stressed and angry. She acknowledged that it was affecting her about D being there for the evening and yet she wasn't thinking about him. I didn't ask what she was being affected by. I said I hoped she would be OK that I intended to speak with him. She made a comment about him annoying her because he spoke to all her friends. K has so much animosity and deep down I know she is hurting badly. She doesn't seem to know any of this though. She defends her hurt and blames him, curses him, and is raging at him. Please God help K to either get some clarity or find a way to let go. Perhaps this recent man she has met will help but I tend to think it keeps her in the craziness rather than be any healing.
I did speak to D. It was nice seeing him. I have always liked D and in some ways relate to him better than K. K and I have such different ideas about life I always think. I talked quite a lot to D actually. There were times when I felt very much like a spare part and yet D and his brother M, and his wife J were so inclusive. The first time I went over to D. The next time he beckoned me over. It was then that I listened to him more. He has anger towards K but it seems different somehow. He is battling with her reaction to him leaving. He talked about his leaving and his new life a little. He was so complimentary about K as a mother. But he has a lot of concerns for the way things are. I could empathise with him on many issues.
They are certainly at different levels of their understanding and process.
What is interesting for me is me in all of this. There is a part of me that's always been attracted to D. I never ever crossed that line and don't think I even ever flirted with him. Despite what another friend of mine thinks I am honourable in that way. I can berate myself for having the thoughts about finding men attractive who are married but I would not enter into that attraction I don't think. I have however had affairs with men who are married in relationships. It hasn't been with any wife or partner I've ever known which doesn't excuse it but it has been meetings under different circumstances. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour from a man and so am deeply ashamed of my part in that. In recovery my amends is to not do that.
This adds though to my confusion and need to be open and honest with my support about contact with D. I suggested that I take his number as I would love to keep in contact with him. I have genuinely a fondness for him as after all I have known him for a long time. It's very difficult when a couple split up and a friendship has developed with the partner/husband/wife as well. I am loyal to K and would not wish to cross any line. But I have to be honest and say that I was interested when I heard that D might not be so happy in his new marriage. He asked me about my status and I said that I have chosen to have a good long time away from relationships. I noticed him touch me a few times but in particular when he said that K had asked if he and I had ever had sex together. I was sad that she would thin that but also very aware that she her insecurity is heightened and was before they even split up. I watched the dynamics with horror really. And the reality is I just could see K's destructive behaviours but always blaming him. I would have left too. In fact I did. I could not bear anymore the way K was and had no ways of saying it to her. Now I have a distance because I had to force it first. And I hope to be able to maintain my boundaries. For instance, talking to D for as long as I wanted felt uncomfortable. I didn't know what would seem appropriate and at times it seemed to lengthy. Especially when D said he was just going to the toilet and if I was there when he got back good and if I wasn't I wasn't. I wondered what that meant really? But I also know that I am a sex and love addict and I put meaning on things because I am looking for it. So I need to be vigilantly aware and not flirt or be suggestive in any way. If I want to maintain any contact with D it will need close monitoring. The thing is I also think if I tell my sponsor she will say no. Is that the right thing to do? Can I not have friendly contact and ensure my boundaries are in place. This is what I want to do.
So I have D's number and sent him a text so that he has my number. He has suggested we meet for lunch for a proper chat. I need to talk to people about this but I am terrified of their judgement of me.
I feel hungry. Surprise, surprise.
Who can I talk to? God please guide me with all of this. It is a fine line. I feel certain that my sponsor will say withdraw completely but what I really need is her to help me with boundaries and keeping them. Actually that's what I need to ask her to do instead of putting in comments and then being told what to do. I need to ask her to help me in the way I want to be helped.
I want to be a friend to K and not hurt her feelings. I would like to retain some of the friendship with D and I do not want to act in any promiscuously or indecently. Not that D would do that more than likely. I think he is decent man actually.
So what will I say to my sponsor. Than you God for the awareness and the need for the honesty. I know this is crucially important. Will I mention if to M as well - it's always a difficult call as I feel judged and I feel criticised too. If it comes up I will talk about it with her. It would be interesting to see what support she can offer with this. I would like to ask her to try and put all judgement and criticism aside and listen to my honesty so that I can find a way to be the person I want to be. Is that the right wording God?
In a texting conversation with A I have mentioned the need for support. I feel so unjudged by A and it's a lovely feeling. The thing is she is so unavailable these days. Even more so than in the past - boyfriend, pregnancy, family, other friends. I am delighted for her but aware that it is less availability for me. I wouldn't want it any other way though in terms of what she has in her life right now. It seems everything she wanted. Thank you God for providing for A.
It's odd really writing that because I realise that I want so many different things and different times. My wants a diverse. It is impossible to have them all at the same time. I want to be wealthy with finances and nice things and comforts and then I want simple living too. I want to be academic, I want to be a psychologist but I want to be studying art history too. I want to be bohemian at times and at other times smart looking an polished. I want to be working, I want to be able to afford a life of leisure. I want to be in a relationship, I want to be free and spirited out of a relationship. God is it at all uprising that You cannot provide any of these things as they are constantly shifting within me? Is it because I still have o idea who I am or what I want? Or is this exactly who I am and all the things I want? Please God give me guidance. I am wanting to develop my faith in my belief of you. This is progress huh God?
It will soon be AWOL time and I haven't written anyway near all of the things and observations over the past few days.
I want to add if I haven't already written how wonderful it was to want to dress up and feel good in being dressed up and comfortable being the right size. It was one less thing to have to deal with. I also didn't have to deal with the buffet and hunger.
I did have to deal with not being overly at ease just generally chit chatting. I do not want to go into to deep and personal matters. It seems so intense. I did fall into that for a while with some friend of S's. I think he was ingenuine and there I was getting too open. I realised it but didn't know how to stop it. God? I could have said actually let's change the subject. How do I break into conversations though about other matters like art and general interests. I suppose it would be useful to have a way of finding out what interests people have and ask questions about that. For example the young lads playing football. I could have asked about their team and how they think they play. I could have asked about their interests outside of football.
Same with D really. I did with J, talking about her daughter and her family. She was so pleasant really. Everything seems simple. She and M do seem happy together, dancing and laughing about. How utterly wonderful.
Thankfully the talk with this friend of S's was towards the end of the evening and the lights were coming on a clearing up was the need. It couldn't go on. He did share with me his insecurity was of his colour. I wanted to know more but he deflected onto me. He said he was a detective in the police but afterwards K implied that generally he was full of bullshit really. I didn't tell her he said he was a detective but somehow he didn't seem genuine at all then. How the influences of others can be so powerful. Gossip is dangerous.
I was pleased with myself. I did not enter into the gripes and sniping between K and D. I listened  mainly. I have passed on to K how D complimented her as a mother. I thought that was very important.
Oh whilst feeling unattractive and grey in colour the friends of S's said that I had a great figure and should be proud of it. I was very attractive and should be proud of it. He was also very surprised I was 52 years of age. Good! I do feel it though whatever feeling 52 really means.
I was disgusted again by K's dads inappropriateness with women and even when he was telling me. I have always felt so uncomfortable with his feely touchy ways. He is inappropriate and it makes me feel physically sick. I connect it though when younger as accepting it as it was fairly normal practise in my own household.
What i also found disconcerting and sinister was that one of S's friend's father and his mate were hanging around the youngsters all evening. The father had divorced his wife and was now married to a young Thai woman who looked little and a childlike figure. I found these two men repulsive and very worrying actually. What is one to do about things like this as the girls are all of an age now where it is consenting whatever happens. However they may be totally unaware as these men apparently have gone clubbing with them for years. Oh yuch!!!
Is it my own issues and suspicions or is it wrong. It seems very wrong indeed!! I expressed my disgust and concern to K about these men and she told me of her observation of the fathers friend on the dance floor keeping everyone apart. There is something acutely wrong in this thing I've witnessed. I noticed S kept right away from them and have a concern about this.
OK it really, really is time to call the AWOL. I hope that I get on all OK.
I'm looking forward to listening and hopefully will find the courage and words to share.Please God help me to contribute actively to the AWOL today.

Back soon
Bliss

OK AWOL, lunch and then over to the B's to collect LouLou. What a beautiful day. Summer! I am so tired but I think it would lovely to go for a stroll.
I had a conversation with M mentioning the situation with D and K and heard my desire to have contact. As a result and also speaking with the B's I think it would be pertinent to let some time pass by and letting the two of them discover a little more comfort between them. Talking with K today she said that she and he spoke more today at the stables than they have over the past 5 years. Perhaps, who knows, I had an influence in that. I called K this afternoon and was able to say to her that I was concerned for her with the levels of her anger. I suggested that she might be the gracious K and the gentle K that I know she is underneath all the anger. And that the anger is a cover for the depth of her hurt. She kept wanting to work out why suddenly D is being more chatty today. She wanted to know if he was having difficulties in his marriage. I said I didn't know. My gosh she's tortured with all of this. And that's when I stopped her and said try to stop working it all out and keep out of what may or may not be going on and simply stick with accepting it at face value and concentrate on her own behaviour and attitude.
Something that really stood out for me on the AWOL was when someone shared about wanting everything my own way. From a very little girl I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now. I didn't take no for an answer either. If I was told no I would find a way to get it anyway. And it's like that now. The same person shared about how in recovery I can't always have what I want. Recovery has to come first and that might mean giving some things up. Now this resonated strongly with regard to the issue of wanting t be friends with D. And also the more my discomfort with it has been sat with the more I have re-thought the situation. I spoke to M as well on my way to the B's. And I talked about it at the B's too. he general consensus that sits comfortably with me is that I need to step back. Develop my friendship with K more and then maybe in the future there might be the possibility of having a friendship with D. I am also aware there is another agenda that is not pure of thought. It is a no go. I still have a pull of "oh but I want...". I just know that it's not appropriate. So what do I do now with regard to having swapped numbers. I will see if he contacts and deal with that at that time I think. 
Another thing I asked about was the right way to make contact with my cousin. Now this was another mind fuck. I had a real yearning to call Nina. She broke the news to me that Uncle Brian died two weeks ago. She had asked my dad to tell me. I spoke with him the Saturday before I went away o holiday and he said nothing. Immediately I realised this I was furious. Over time I've calmed down. Thinking it through it was a blessing really as it would have given me the dilemma of asking the others to return from our holiday early.
I'm really not certain how I'm supposed to feel about Uncle Brian dying. It sounds as if really it was a relief for him in a way. Living in a home, paralysed. Poor Uncle Brian. And Auntie Betty now with dementia. Gosh all the money and nothing has saved them from this. Apparently, according to Nina, Uncle Brian asked Lesley to stay with him as he was afraid. That's so sad that he never found faith amidst all his material world.
How dreadful I feel that I found myself hoping, hoping, hoping that a twinge of something good about him meant that he'd left a little something in his Will for me. How flipping selfish. But also how very human. I am so scared of my financial situation that any way of getting some money is on my mind.
But when I have, for some peculiar reason, detached and distanced from family members. What is it I am meant to feel. My cousin Lisa is dead, my Uncle Brian is dead. I feel strangely very little. I feel sad perhaps? I feel what? What am I meant to say and do?
I asked the B's what they thought I should do. They suggested writing to my cousins, explaining that I was away have just heard the very sad news. I can give them my phone number and invited them to call me.
With regard to my dad. Well I will say something when I am not so mad. Did he and my mum keep things from me when my mum was dying. And I know he was angry with me for not being there and leaving early from her party. I feel dreadful about that as it was really so that I could meet up with SH. I feigned feeling anxious about the numbers of people. My mum's last birthday party. That hurts deep deep inside of me. Tears come to my eyes. I was there to help her with the HR admin thing even though she was high on morphine. And then I was there every day at the hospice. God I truly miss my mum.  I feel so awful that in my illness I brought upon her a lot of worry. I wish that hadn't happened. But I need to be careful not to turn on myself. Not to wallow in anger or self-pity.
So a letter. I need to phone Nina and ask for R, L and N's address. They have their own lives and families so will probably not mind too much about me. It feels important for me to connect. And then there's that horrid little hope of something from the Will. Crazy. Put that right aside.

LouLou is lying on the floor sleeping and wagging her tail in her dream. That makes me smile. That's so important as she is getting older and I'm hating watching that happening. I cannot bear to think of her dying. I don't know how I could deal with her death. I feel fragile around this. She is my constant company here. LouLou is just here and around and I know it. She knows I'm here. This place will feel even worse. Stop projecting. Anything can happen between now and tomorrow.

What a joyful thing. Someone else I've been thinking about a lot has emailed me. My friend R. I haven't heard anything from her in ages. And she sent me this wonderful picture of life itself. My favourite horse of hers Amelie

That's lifted me out of the low mood that was descending, but ever so slightly. There is emotions there of deep sadness.

I think I'm all written out.

Bliss

XX

The Slug and Bill

Well home eventually but not until nearly 22:00. Why?
A walk around Abergavenny, which already seems an age ago. You know that feeling of surprise that one moment I was there and now I'm here and there is already in the past yet fresh experience?
SO we visited the church, the indoor market and then teas and coffees at The Angel Hotel. T warned us as we arrived that she had ordered flour and sugar - scone with cream and jam. I am so glad that M had been confused about what T was doing about her abstinence. I have held from gossipping or talking about things that are none of my business to discuss.
After the Angel we drove to the castle. Splendid ruins. We had lunch sitting out in the grounds ad although cold it was nice to not be eating in the car in a car park.
We then walked around the castle museum. It was fascinating. An entire shop had been pulled apart not so long ago and resurrected as a display in the museum. What a thing to keep. M was chatting with a very good looking man on and off. I made a comment about the low fling planes questioning whether they were still allowed and apparently this was still a low flying zone. The good looking man responded to my comment of what a pity saying they have to practise somewhere. I think he may have been RAF. He didn't really speak to me again after that, anyway he seemed interested in M.
The father, was so interesting. Born and bred there. Born on one of the hills (on a farm) and then had lived for his life to date in Pantygelli where we had been staying. He added to the stories about the Smiths. He spoke of old Mr Smith dying having heard a noise out amongst the animals he went off to investigate. His wife was concerned when he didn't return, and then still didn't return and still longer had not returned. On exploring she found him dead in the field having had a heart attack. He hushed his mouth, he said no more. There is mystery around this story, hinted at strongly by his comment of there are many tales about the Smiths. A few years later old Mrs Smith went to Canada with her sister, visiting relatives. They were in a car crash, killed outright. And although he didn't say as much he commented on the current Smiths and all their kids. I think he was hinting at the "curse" on the household. I will write more about this.
Anyway eventually we set off from the castle, leaving Abergavenny behind us. What a great time we have had. I commented on having really found it easy being with T and M. We discussed how we have got along with each other and noticing our differences. I have a feeling M finds it less easy to get along with people's differences. It's only an opinion. I could be wrong but she commented on knowing why she can not live with anybody. What I tend to do is take on her difficulty as criticism of me. She made a couple of comments about me that I think are perfectly valid but there are other things that I feel OK with about myself. Those are things she is picking out and not necessarily because I am wrong.
I was struggling to work out timings for dinner. Having decided to eat out for our evening meal I was realising that we would be far too early based on the idea that M wanted to keep rolling really to get home before it's dark. So I suggested we might go for coffee/tea at Thornbury Castle. I remember how much my mum loved it when she and dad went for a weekend there. What a very beautiful Castle. A wedding was taking place, and that contributed to the afternoon tea being completely booked out - no room at the inn. So we used the toilet facilities and left having a cuppa in a very mediocre place in Thornbury itself. Then we stopped at the pub I had planned in Collingbourne Kingston.
Please no on ever go there. It was dreadful. The food was less than mediocre, in fact generally it was very poor cuisine. Only £9.95 for a poached salmon salad. My salmon was pretty dry. The courgettes seasonal vegetable side order were greasy and barely tasted of courgettes. The other seasonal veg was red cabbage. Wow! Stingy seasonal vegetables side order. And not a selection at all. But the slug was alive and well when I saw it crawling across my plate. Eeeek! I feel sick even thinking of it. So the pub to avoid is the Barleycorn. Not really because of the slug but for the way in which the matter was handled and the general terrible service, the slovenly approach by untrained staff (poor them, left to front the difficult situation I am about to describe), an angry and nasty Chef/manager and his wife who completely left us unacknowledged, not even an apology and continued to let the youngsters deal with the situation. M and T said their food was not good. Now without the slug event what does one do about this? When the food is mediocre and that's their standard what should one do about not good food?
Anyway, when I spotted said slug my first reaction was to try and remove it without anyone noticing. Why on earth ...? I felt embarrassed that this was happening to me. I wanted to surreptitiously remove the evidence without anyone noticing so that they would not be affected or would be thinking badly of me for having the slug on my plate. It would be something they could ridicule me about when already I was feeling dreadful about the experience of a crawling slug from food I had been eating my way thought. How disgusting. I gave the young waiter my plate and the slug. Of course the mood deepened on the table, and this after M and T had been having a long discussion about T's state of mind and attitude etc. I had dozed off so awoke to hear the last few miles of this situation. T seemed down but the slug slide brought the entire atmosphere to a big low. M could barely eat more of her food despite saying tat the burger part tasted good. There rest was not good. Although the chips looked lovely she and T said they were awful, greasy. Matching the courgettes. And the fish T had ordered she aid was tasteless. When the waiter came to the table I asked her to speak to the manager as ot only was I not prepared to pay for my meal which had already been knocked off the bill, I suggested that she might speak with the manager as were entirely dissatisfied and asked for the manager to compensate us. Well he didn't come out for ages. Of course he was busy with a "fine dining" evening. What a load of rubbish food they would be served up. Tat pub used to be so good, good home cooing. Now? So frustrating. When eventually the manager did appear I stated y thoughts and feelings very calmly and his attitude was diabolical. His sorry was followed with a but and a justification for the salad. He said that it is washed as soon as it arrives or something to that effect. He didn't mean sorry at all and that was the first trigger for rising anger. Then without any further apology he said he wasn't prepared to do anything about the cost of the other two meals. His dogmatic attitude fuelled the simmering anger. I was not seething but in my frustration at the injustice I felt my anger levels rise. To begin with I was argumentative . Then he kept talking over me so I shouted "please let me finish". I think he was aware that I could cause a louder scene in his pub that none of us had so far done. He said that he wanted a name and address to take us to the small claims court if we didn't pay. None of us had ID with our address on. The young waiter asked how we had got there which made no sense to me and so I asked what difference it made how I got there based on with or without ID.There was no follow up on this. M suggested we simply leave. But outside I said look I am not prepared to be taken to the small claims court win or lose. And if we just drove off they would take the licence plate of the car and no doubt we'd be stopped down the road. The chef/manager popped his head around the door saying that if we left without leaving any details it would be theft. Oh! How flipping frustrating this horrible man who had been a party to the mood of our day being flattened, me feeling sick an the others not being able enjoy their meal with worry, being a complete and utter imbecile. Goodwill is so important to nurture and whatever happened to the customer being right. We returned to pay with cash as none of us were prepared to leave our details. I am interested in how once again I was fighting for what I considered to be the underdogs, M and T. And it was my meal that had the slug and had been deducted off the bill. The slug and bill.
I'm tired now so will continue with this horrid saga tomorrow.
Night

Bliss
XX

Language as a way to communicate

Wow! What an interesting discussion this morning arising from T being curious in a childlike way, a manner I would probably not ask for fear of being thought of as stupid or and this is a biggy, getting an unsatisfactory reply, no debate. The question was "I wonder why there are so many little languages and so many languages?". I will need to write more about what escalated from here. It rose to a crescendo point when it was clear T was feeling offended by something M had said. This was said whilst I was out at the car finding the paperwork to establish what we are responsible for as we prepare to leave. We need to depart the cottage by 10:30.
As always I was up at 6:00, phoned my sponsor at 6:15. I talked about the bracken or the fern situation yesterday, whilst on the steam train from Pant to a lake and back again. I want to write more about that too but I'm sneaking this post in whilst the others are finalising their readiness to leave. I had loads of time to get ready. I like being ready with time to spare. I had time to chat and debate and discuss. My meal was ready last night. I had just a few things to pack and I believe I have everything. I ant to be ready before everyone else and out of the way because I think this way I don't get into the frenzy of what's done and what's not. So here I am with some time to write.
I started reading M's Sylvia Plath book. Very interesting, the foreword by Ted Hughes. I like his writing although there seems to be a knowledge of Sylvia, of course having been her husband and the father of their children. But there is also a distinct lack of emotion in what he writes about her. It is a foreword I suppose. Having had such a supposedly torrent relationship, you'd have thought there would be more passion in what he writes about her. Perhaps the suggestion is that he didn't highly rate her writing. I get the impression he was very egotistical. And I also think I've got the impression but without knowledge that he was a womaniser or should I say liked women, a lot of them and therefore was not faithful.
The result is that I'd like to continue reading that book at some point.
So I have lots more to write about yesterday. Observations of self whilst out and about - the steam train and the caves and then Swansea and Mumbles. Finally home, fire, Scrabble and bed.
Discussions and events have been so good for me. I'm feeling safer and safer to practise being more me.
Thank you God.
So until later .... signing off from Pantygelli, 4 miles from Abergavenny as I prepare to clean up and load the car, with a visit around Abergavenny itself. There's a Castle and an Abbey to see. Maybe we will stop somewhere else en route when we stop for lunch and then we're going to have a meal out this evening.
Oh I am feeling as if I've put on some more size which will mean weight too. I forgot to mention tis to my sponsor. I get scared and yet I think I could do with a little more roundedness. Who ever would have thought I'd be saying that. I just need to accept myself as I am and it's so much easier with slim than fat.

Bye for now
Bliss
XX

Miracles

Miracles 19th Juy 2012 (written in Word first as there ws no Internet signal)

Phew! I was sooooooooooooo tired. We set off from home for Merthyr Tydfil about 6pm. Not a long turnaround from our demanding walk. I noticed that T was quite excitable and on the journey M was joining her. I didn’t feel up there. I started to feel separated, sitting in the back quietly was good enough for me.

We arrived at the AA meeting and it seemed we had contributed to more than doubling the usual attendance. They said there was normally 3 or 4. Here were the three of us plus 2 characters visiting from Cardiff, although clearly well known to this meeting. I loved listening to Deborah’s accent. I think in the past I’ve mocked the Welsh accent. Rude me. And this brings me to yesterdays Twenty-Four Hour a Day reading about not gossiping or criticising.

I made a conscious effort to change any thoughts of criticism and not to gossip. I was aware of others going down that line and when there were raised eyebrows at someone else’s expense, I was able to ask in a light-hearted way I think what this meant or that directly with the person. And then I stepped aside from it all. But, and oh yes there’s a BUT of the bigger variety, what I did do was judge the others for being critical. Ha! I didn’t notice until I heard my tone this morning when speaking with my sponsor. God please help me to stop this comparison. I think it has been useful in seeing the differences but it’s to be stopped as soon as I notice it.

I also spoke about the way in which I felt slightly detached from the other two last evening in the car and even when we go home. I think the way in which I turned on myself for getting lost started it. But also being tired I just wanted to have down time and be quieter. It’s OK. Otherwise I turn on myself more and then as my sponsor says this turns into my head lowering, despondency creeping in and then there is not the will or the ability to be, do and enjoy. So lift my head up and be. Lovely.

My sponsor talked about faith being an action. And I read in Bill’s Story about having the willingness to turn to the God of my understanding. Of my understanding being the important thing. Like Bill I really believe that Jesus existed, and the equivalent person through other belief systems too. And with their incredible humility and wisdom it’s doubtless that they were very special people. Hence the direct link with God. The Dalai Lama is another of those people. And I really enjoy the teachings and what I can learn from them if I listen and apply them. There’s the need for action again. Nothing spiritual occurs as a result of reading it in a book or sitting and listening.

So I need to practise my faith. I am practising when I remember to get on my knees and ask for God to enter my life. The serenity then flows. I could have asked God to help yesterday when we were lost. I did have faith that we’d arrive somewhere that would get us out of the spot we were in. And it did happen. I didn’t turn to God directly.

I would really like to be in more conscious contact with God. God please help me reach out to you. I truly know you are there. In the shape and form that I believe in you which is more abstract and unnecessary to define. That’s a release in itself.

The reading this morning suggests the need to believe in miracles for other people. I do. I am praying for people in my life to have everything they desire. Then the negativity in me becomes jealous. What about me? And that’s another reminder that I have not practised gratitude. I am very grateful for this break this week. I feel relaxed and far away from the stress of my work environment. I am grateful for the time to observe myself interacting with people and practise doing things differently. I am grateful for the opportunity to explore a little area and enjoy the discoveries. I am grateful to be around creative people and allow myself to do a little of each. They’ve done their degrees in their area of speciality and I am able to dip into their worlds. Even though I feel as if I’m not in the middle of it. I am grateful.

OK I think I will end my writings there for today. We are off towards Merthyr Tydfil again for a ride on a train pulled by a steam engine. Then we will head for Swansea – a visit to the show caves and hopefully a walk around Swansea. Lunch en route, dinner back here and then a visit to the pub!

I am grateful for my abstinence.

Bliss

XX

Precise and immutable law!

Precise and immutable law – there has to be a Power at work here!

Having just read a few paragraphs of the Big Book, this paragraph stood out for me.

“...I was not an atheist. Few people really are, for that means blind faith in the strange proposition that this universe originated in a cipher and aimlessly rushes nowhere. My intellectual heroes, the chemists, the astronomers, even the evolutionists, suggested vast laws and forces at work. Despite contrary indications, I had little doubt that a mighty purpose and rhythm underlay all. How could there be so much of precise and immutable law, and no intelligence? I simply had to believe in a Spirit of the Universe, who knew neither time nor limitation...”

Part of Bill’s Story, the first story in the Big Book, after the Dr’s Opinion which cleverly points out the physical illness of addiction, his story tells of a hopeless sot really. Functioning, successful, but quickly becoming a hopeless sot. I’m reading a few paragraphs per day and attempting to really take in something of the very useful and meaningful things he wrote.

It could be that everything in the Universe happens by accident, but even if it has there are forces at play. It’s not happening by magic. And it’s these Universal forces that I believe in. And somehow as Bill says it’s difficult to think it really is just a force that is happening without some awareness. Not a conscious being as we humans tend to think. I do not think we are in the form of God as the Bible suggests. But in terms of life itself we are in the form of this Spiritual force. The very essence of life cells and connected with the plant. We cannot survive as beings without the planet, we are dependant. However, the planet is not dependant on us. Some animals have been made dependant on us, however they would survive as species without us.

So I believe. And then I need to turn to that belief with faith. Believing is one thing. Really having faith is another. So I believe there is a spiritual intelligence. A Universe “who knew neither time nor limitation”. That is the next step. I haven’t read what Bill does but for me right now I am stopping starting with the practice of bringing God or my belief of the Greater Universe into my life. However, I am starting. I need to pray this morning and this is my reminder. Please wait whilst I break for morning prayers. Thank you.

That feels better already. It’s strange how it works but suddenly I feel more connected by actually stopping and talking to God.

Within my prayers this morning was as request to help me to be more as suggested in the daily reading today. “I pray that I may walk humbly with God. I pray that I may rely on His grace to carry me through.” However, this is on a re-read as in my prayers it was particularly focused on being united as a group and part of this involves neither gossiping nor criticising.  I have noticed how in my head I do this and thankfully these days I am learning how to keep my mouth shut. Instead I am refocusing and questioning of myself why a particularly attitude or behaviour may affect me. It’s interesting how T’s seeming selfishness affects me. She wants what she wants and when she wants it she goes straight to it without thinking of others. Now we have had some discussions about culture and she has explained that there is much more politeness in the British culture. However she was alarmed on her first arrival in the UK when people didn’t thank her after a meal but tended to thank at the end of an evening. For example children visiting her kids would have tea and then not say thank you. However, they would always say “thank you for having me” at the end of their visit and T came to learn that this included thanks for the meal. Hmm, well I think there is some lack of politeness involved in that too.

It’s interesting too that T has a way that encourages these discussions. It’s not critical, it’s pointing out differences. I must listen more closely to the ways in which she does that. She does not criticise the differences either. I tend to be critical in my thought; therefore if I don’t stop that prior to opening my mouth it comes out in a critical way. It happens in my work as well. I am therefore hoping that God will help me to find ways to raise my questions without sounding critical. Hence in my prayers I asked God to help me to remove my criticisms. There are differences between the three of us. And oh how I loathe when I jump in and say oh yes I’ve done that too or yes that’s me. I am listening more and attempting to find ways to question rather than have to relate. Thanks to M she attempted to tell me about the over-relating I do rather than simply listening. I am trying to be more conscious of this. Sometimes it is difficult to listen when someone is in a dilemma or pain or something along those lines. Why is it difficult? Because I don’t like to hear people to be in pain or difficulty and something in me thinks they want or need me to solve the problem. But I can’t. I do have similar experiences of course and I do have experiences of solutions too. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what people want to hear. People want to be heard first. I know that myself.

I am quite enjoying sitting in the back seat of the car and listening to the other two in the front. There are times when I think they get on better than me. It oscillates from T liking M more than me which means I will be left out of the loop. Then there are other times when I think M will like T more than me and I won’t be such a good friend anymore. It’s crazy thinking and I can change my thinking to be happy that two of my friends can get on so well.

We set off after lunch. We did a fair bit of travelling about and I was conscious that M was driving a lot. We left here for one of the largest natural lakes in Wales. It was near Bwlch. How can the Welsh use so few vowels and get away with it? I wonder if they have deep influences in their language from some of the Eastern European places. If I had time this morning I’d do some quick research on the origins of the language. It’s not a new discovery of course, me asking these questions. But it once again reminds me of the fact that the language we have is merely a way of making clicks and ah’s using the shape of our mouth and how as humans we have developed this together. I have been alert to listen for Welsh speaking. In Merthyr Tydfil, I noticed a language not familiar so assume it was Welsh. At times it sounded like European. And when T started reading signs she sounded very familiar with the language although of course is not at all.

The lake was actually at Llangors. We drove through Crickhowell, where the Green Man Festival is held. Was that about 2008 when M, J and I went? I think it was as after that J cut contact with us. And that still hurts. Mainly because I just don’t know why? It’s unfinished business and smarts with me. I just need t let go as there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. We got out of the car and M discovered boats for hire. I was nervous about the idea although I didn’t state my anxiety. In the end we left as the boat hire place was closed. Thank you God, ha ha ha. We couldn’t find a walk and at that I really wasn’t feeling very active. I think I’d been dozing in the car and didn’t quite get everything working properly in my body. I am noticing how I am feeling older and slower but I am very grateful to still be very active. Poor T is pain. I noticed she was finding the lighter difficult to push down, it was stiff she said. M and I looked at each other. It’s not my place to suggest maybe she might get her bones checked out? Anyway, we took a look for a path to a church we could see but decided to drive there instead. Again it was funny listening to T and M debating which routes and roads, T very insistent that she could map read and has been doing so for her entire life. M was suspicious. I think I’m the only one who can really do it so it was good to simply hand that over and go along for the journey. Dozily. I am dozing a lot. I am such a controlling person. I need to step back more but not so much that I’m not involved at all. Where is he balance – yet again? As we were stopped and those two were debating the road and whether we should turn around a very friendly local asked if we were lost. We said we were heading towards Brecon. Of course we were a long way from Brecon in “local yokel’s” books, I thought. He raised an eyebrow I think. He started giving us all variations of routes, very friendly. I swore I heard him say that we could even go down the road we were facing down and go past his house. I asked him if we should pop in for a cuppa. He said his brother was there, laughingly. The other two didn’t hear him say that at all. Did I imagine it? They were laughing at me. I thought it funny that he said it.

We got to Brecon and drove through it and then went on to a National park. It was a long Welsh name and without access to the Internet right at this moment I cannot find the name. We took a short walk up the hill. A hill opposite was covered in very low cloud and so respectfully we decided to “stick to the path not the moor” as people get lost. T was explaining that people tend to go around in circles when disorientated. How interesting. I wonder why? Something else to research some time. I was interested that the earth seemed red. Full of iron of course. Iron and tin were mined in Wales. However they are called the Black Mountains wither side of the Brecon Beacons, and I associated this with coal. The towns don’t appear as I would imagine coal mining towns. My images are created from scenes in films from northern coal mining towns I guess. For some reason I am fascinated by the soils. And even more interested to see some surface mining. T was interested as to why we have stopped mining. Expense of labour I believe. And then we debated the dangers of coal mining. What if the hill started to burn? Would t just keep burning as it’s fuel? What makes the fuel? After all wood burns easily so what makes the coal so burnable?

We then decided to go to Merthyr Tydfil and as we drove there I was researching fellowship meetings. The plan being that we go on a steam train journey followed by a meeting.

Well it’s all gone awry but worked out in the end. Setting off for our walk to Ysgyryd Fawr (Skirrid Mountain). T decided to come too but with the proviso she’d turn back home if her leg got too bad. M and I made it. We got to the tope and walk along the very top, amidst the clouds and such strong winds. We turned for home and got a bit lost. It felt such a pressure on me as the “self-designated” map reader. It was funny earlier on in the walk when M was saying sorry for having doubted T’s map reading skills the day before and then T went and chose the wrong routes. M made comment and at that point T said “don’t you make mistakes”. I felt good about myself though as I had stayed quiet when T took over and decided on the paths. But I had a strong feeling it was wrong and when I could I turned us all around and selected the right path. It’s a really good feeling. But then it goes beyond just the feeling of actually “I can do this”. It becomes” see how clever I am and that makes me a really worthy person. I need to be right. M and I got to the top but then as we had crossed fields with horses and M had been scared I suggested we returned via the road. Man! Did I lose us! We ended up walking up a stream, M’s feet sopping. Then we had to cross a field with horses anyway. Actually two mares with their foals. They were friendly and delightful and again I felt so good to be able to be steady and consider M’s fear. We go home eventually but I did get stressed with the sense of responsibility. We had set off probably about 9:30. I had rushed writing and not completed my thoughts before leaving. Hence this reads as if it’s continuous. We didn’t get back until approximately 13:30 maybe even closer to 14:00. Tired and very hungry I got out of my wet clothes and rapidly prepared my lunch. It was disappointing food considering I was so hungry.  Furthermore, and ever so worrying, my knee started to hurt. At points I didn’t think I could get my leg over the stiles as my knee just hurt too much to bend. And walking in long grass that had blown over was excruciating. Perhaps it’s arthritis. That’s horrid!! More things I have to adjust to about getting older. Poop.

There are times when I think I’m twice the size of T and then other times I think I’m too skinny and not shapely at all. I know how awful I feel when I am overweight and people are talking about sized when they are thinner. It leaves me feeling dreadful so M had asked that we didn’t talk about it.

Mrs Smith, friendly, cheerful Mrs Smith is here along with her five children. Hey seem to range from about 7 or 8 upto about 15 or 16. We haven’t seen them all, merely glimpses of them. Boy is she hard working. Backwards and forwards to the washing room. She rents out two little cottages. The one we are in and one next door. There is another larger looking lodge a little further down the farm. Then there is the guy with the Smiley earring who lives in a couple of caravans. Probably over rehearsed he told the travellers “I came here 21 years ago on holiday and I’ve never left”. The fact that he came from just around the corner made it seem a really odd thing to have done. The holiday on the farm not the part where he had decided to stay. Many a time people decide to stay permanently where they have been holidaying. “Live with my wife, and do odd things here on the farm, plus a removal tomorrow and some building somewhere else.” Where’s his wife though? Oh and children too. What a place though. What he did say, almost embarrassed and looking cautiously for a brief moment towards the house and lowering his voice, “she’s on her own with the five kids”. So that was how the news broke that she had five children and also eradicated all the questions about who Mr Smith is. “He lives in Abergavenny”.

Last evening Mrs Smith was all dolled up and very bright-eyed. She was distracted when stopping momentarily to chat, as if not really taking anything in and abrupt like she had certainly not been until this moment. Preoccupied but it seemed in a dreamy eyed way. She was surely meeting a man. Or maybe a woman. Maybe that’s why Mr Smith left. Mrs Smith had been having an affair with a woman. However, I think if she is having an affair it’s occurred after Mr Smith left. She is just one of those practical and very homely looking women. I see pain in her eyes despite her incredible friendliness. She was even worrying when the women were seemingly late from an early morning walk.

Mrs Smith had married Mr Smith pretty young. They were in their early twenties. She is only early forties now. And with all those kids. Mr Smith inherited the family farm and they settled into running this business. Farming was enduring an took it’s toll on the relationship. Where had the romance gone? Where did all that joy of the early days of meeting and courting fade too. Instead being replaced with home making, children and hard work. Then when Mr Smith met his floozy, in town, it revitalised him but devastated Mrs Smith. The children too, feeling sombre, they watch their hard-working mum, prepare beds, clean the cottages, direct the farm workers and try to make ends meet. She looks tired. They are good children, helping around the house and keeping out of harms way. They rarely see their dad now. It’s seems to be an impermanent arrangement. Mr Smith will be coming back but no one knows exactly when.

Mrs Smith has no time for hobbies and interests. But now with the cottages and the fishing lake, she is starting to have a good income. It’s hard work but it’s more than paying it’s way despite the drenched out summer. Does she really want Mr Smith back? Certainly not right now with this new romantic interest. It’s nothing very committed but it’s a lot of fun. You can see that in her eyes if you stop to look on “those” nights out.

And the next day she’s really buoyant. A spring in her step. Work is easier somehow. Things are funnier and there are no worries. In fact even the anger towards Mr Smith diminishes in the aftermath of a wonderful evening out.

Well this is all in my imagination of course. Just a little idea from a brief word and encounter.

Bliss

XX