Soulful striving

It is my job to strive for the soulful things; honesty, graciousness, mindfulness, kindness, goodness, love, willingness, openness, wisdom. Please God help me to achieve this soulfulness and to hand over my self will and the desire for material and self gain. Please help me to share these soulful things in a way that is doing the best for kin and all mankind. That is what my soul desires.
Life without purpose is futile. I pray that I may find the good life worth striving for.

It is God sent that I have this morning to relax a little. It is extra to curriculum due to getting a puncture yesterday. It is does not come free of charge. For weeks now I have been aware that I need new tyres and yesterday God gave me a puncture. Not directly I realise, God doesn't do things that way I am sure. But this was a reminder before anything seriously awful happened. I begrudge spending out on these things you see and postpone in favour of personal pursuits and desires. So thank you God for the least dangerous reminder. And this morning L very kindly allowed me to get into work late so that I can get the tyres sorted out. I just now am waiting until 8 am so that i can phone A.D.D Tyres in Bordon. They were very good to me before and I am hoping they can fit new tyres this morning and not be hugely expensive. I am very grateful though to have been  putting funds away each month so that I can actually afford to replace all 5 (inc spare) if so required. I think they do all need replacing. It's got to be over a year since I replaced them. My car needs servicing too but I won't be able to afford that this month. I hope I've got a lot of extra pay in this months salary. I was begrudging paying it out on a car because it's been my Norway trip fund. I hope not to have to delve into my Paris trip fund. I hope that will be around Feb latest. Although it's probably better to go in April. That would give more time to save up.
I think my dad must be in hospital. he said he was having to go back in and didn't know whether he'd have to stay or not. I suspect he did know. I tried calling at about 21:30 and there was no answer. I left a message. I wonder if he did give my number to his neighbours. He said he would but .....
I will try calling his mobile this morning. And I will also see if I can book to have my hair cut on Saturday. What I'd really like to do is get the accreditation document finished this weekend and then get it approved by my supervisor and eventually submitted before 1 Sep when OU re-starts. This time Applied Psychology. I am just not ready for the discipline required. I need to alter my mindset. I think I will have to work all day Saturday and the mornings on Sunday. And have Sunday afternoon as relaxation time after the AWOL. If I read in the mornings all the information gets lost with the day filtering into the memory banks. It rubs out anything I've read.
As soon as I start thinking of other things after reading I forget what the points were.
I also realise I learn by experiencing. I think this may be very basic learning. I am not so cranial. But when I get real examples then it seems to truly get into the memory banks. Experiencing something seems to really be the best way.
I even forgot though in my first share last evening at AA after 90 days in FA of not sharing, to talk about love as connectedness. I think I was born with this isolation tendency. And circumstances probably enhanced it. Being an only child made it and makes it easy to feel lonesome, and I don't mean lonely. But the lonesome can quickly create loneliness and a feeling of being unlovable and unloved. I know it's not limited to single children though as many people with varying numbers of siblings and closeness can still feel that isolation. But what i am experiencing is a connectedness through fellowship. The calls are indicators of love. Even though the connections can be difficult or easy depending on individuals, I feel a love. I love the programme. I am so grateful to God for bringing me this programme and helping to rouse the willingness in me.
It is glorious. I have been troubled at work for example and now I am less troubled. Trusting in my sponsor and the programme and gradually becoming more willing to do what is suggested, it's all got me to being a different and improved version of me. I know L is changing too and I am grateful to God for that as well. All of me is screaming that it's me who has done all the work and wanted things to be better. pride and self righteousness. But I can concede and smile at myself about that, because I know she has been changing too. Thank you God for showing me me.
Please God help me to have the willingness to work this programme.
Thank you God for another day abstinent yesterday.
Poor anyone who reads God and thinks OH NO! A religious culty freak. If only that person would know that I am least religious and Goldly in that sense than anyone. The Bible and the religious practices are not for me. I get the principle more and more though.
Reading Paradise Lost is interesting. You see I think I am understanding Milton to be suggesting that the Garden of Eden was actually before Earth. There was no Heaven nor Hell, there was just this place with angels and peace. But Satan as he became to be known was envious and wanted higher ranking position, even Gods position. He tempted Eve with the apple and was rallying the discontent in the other angels. Angels that were impatient or jealous or bored or scolded or resentful or something. All these emotions and traits exist but there are those that Satan was able to infiltrate and culture those traits in his growing desire for more. It is something that can be cultivated and a darkness that grows fast and envelopes the light. I can relate. It was a seed that exists there and as the devil gets a hold for  example through abuse or abandonment and faulty nurturing, the dark feelings have the room to swirl and escalate. Then the Satan can step up the anti using this emptiness ad coldness to turn it into hatred and desire and overwhelming power. It's there, it can be ignored. Ignore at ones peril. As the fallen angels discovered. They lost their belief in the light, stopped putting into action all the effort required to nurture and then the swirling dark cold abyss grows within needing more and more to fill it as it grows deeper and deeper. I followed that trail. The seed was given room to grow with the sense of shame and hatred that I was given. There wasn't enough belief surrounding me to counter the effect. And the abyss was opened up. I had this anger in me without knowing what it was and no teachers to even show me a different way. well actually I don't think that's entirely true. I suspect there were a lot of people trying but the power of the shame and hatred was louder somehow. Maybe I am the sort of person who listens to that like the angels. Some did not want to follow Satan's desires, they had the strength and belief to turn away and face the light.
I found alcohol and diets and laxatives and this fuelled my anger. It gave me a false courage, a strength to rebel. I rebelled hoping to be heard really but in fact it widened the abyss. My mum was the frail link back though. I kept a little of the light for the terror of finally letting my mum down so much that she would have to let get of the thinning stretching thread. She loved me so much and this morning walking around the village I longed for a moment to be her daughter in the world we live in. Just to have her here to love me. Just to have that assurance. And an opportunity to show her a revised me, a more soulful caring me. Show her how much I truly love her and actually that I do appreciate her. I know she knows in Heaven but it's earthly her I am sad not to have here today. I can bring her close to me though.
But that sadness with loss and grieving does not have to turn into a gap for the devil to seep in. No. no. Nor do my worries about finances or the difficulties at work or the need for study time or the laziness with hpusework. No, instead I can turn to God. I can keep my strength of belief. I can ask for the willingness to work this programme. And then there are fewer and fewer avenues to trundle along that lead into temptation.

A friend made a comment that she felt igorant about not knowing what Paradise Lost was. It got me to pondering about the fact that in the past I have been so tough on myself, telling myself I am ignorant. And that isn't with any love at all I have said that to myself. I brate myself for being ignorant as if it's a terrible thing. How awful the way language is used with connotations from nastiness. So being kind and gentle I was saying to this friend that it is not ignorance as a bad thing but it is ignorance fulls top. I didn't know about Paradise Lost and rather than being ashamed of that it is not something I have sat down to discover. I didn't do any literature study to any great length. I chose to play instead of study. And now I can be humble enough to be grateful for the different people in my life that bring diverse interests to me. And as they become interesting to me I do indeed follow them through. Paradise Lost had come to my attention some time ago. I did look it up and even copied the books onto my conputer. But it didn't really sink in. And then my sculptor friend showed me her work in connection with an upcoming exhibition called Revelations. I don't know if it's just a title and she has taken the Biblical theme or whether the Biblical element is the them. Anyway she has referred to Paradise Lost as her inspiration. And my gosh the work I saw was outstanding. She expressed the emotions of despair at the realisation of waking in this place called hell. This endless prison with no entrance nor exit. Wow, such vision. A knowingness of those feelings. And I could see how that intial shame borne from powerful desire, so powerful that all trust was lost in the light and God and turned towards Satan full of promises and guile. They invested in the temptation and desire and woke to realise the results. And of course there lies the pain to be further cultivated by Satan.
So she brought Paradise Lost a little bit more alive for me than the last encounter I had with it whatever that was, I can't even remember. And so much so that I am trying to read it. It's a lot of literature to read. But wow it's painting powerful pictures for me. The meaning though seems sop difficult to express. And someone else can. How wonderful that is. I am envious but will not allow that to breed and instead I am grateful to God for showing me this. I am learning. And my horizons expand. How wonderful that I have so many people with interestes that spark my own interests. And my knowledge is growing, my openness grows as I realise the passion and delight these things can bring to my soul. Thank you God. Thank you for E and the many pothers such as A and M and T and A and E and - that's beginning to look like a genetic code ha ha ha ha.
So here I am sitting waiting. I have tried calling 2 tyre places with no answer as yet. I have at least sent a text to L to tell her what is happening. I hope to get there by 10:30. Is that possible?
I will call my hairdresser too. Can I afford it? I hope so.
I need to save £360 per year for haircuts which means putting away £30 per month. I will need to start doing that then.
I also need to phone Vodafone and see if there is a better package for my minutes usage. It's crazy paying £150 per moth on Vodafone then there's BT and Plusnet for Broadband. This is a lot of money every month of communications. There has to be a better way. I onder what happens if I amalgamate them all. What is the total cost? £150 Vodafone £45 BT and £12 Plusnet = £207 per month!!!! That's ridiculous. I do  not use my landline except for an international call once per week for 1 and half hours. I use the Internet a lot.  Oh and I add some money for Skype calls too. Not much but that probably pushing £215 per month on communications. There has to be a better way.
I will call BT, Plusnet and Vodafone to see what they could do to improve these costs if I put all of mys business with them. I need to phone EDF too to see what good deals they are offering on supplying electtricity as the fixed rate ends this month. Has ended actually.
OK lets start with Vodafone. 191 - it's free. No tyre place first. I hope they open at 9am. They do.
OK it's time to go. And bugger I didn't read anymore of the poem. I will take it with me whilst I am waiting.

Thank you
Bliss
XX



 

What new living hell this is?

Reading Paradise Lost by Milton, the title of this Blog page taken from Dorothy Parker seems most appropriate in line with my dishonesty. But also how that seed can rally the troops of deceit, shame, self-hatred, distrust, and so on. All of this creates a downward spin of destruction and guess what can step in an seem to save the day? The devil incarnate, in the form of addiction. I do  not want to return to that anymore. Hence it is vital I am talking about this. OK so the horse may have bolted but I don't think it has. I think the horse has just stepped out calmly an assessing the options now that the door is open again.
It is both interesting as well as painful to view. I am grateful for these things been shown to me. I am praying to work my programme a suggested by a fellow this morning.
It started with but is not limited to an event yesterday evening. I met with JH but without talking this through with anyone. Knowing how much pain and upset the ending with JH caused me and indeed my shame at the way I met and behaved within this relationship, it might surprise some people that I even considered meeting him and this is not implicating him as the culprit, the problem the cause. Oh no I have the problem firmly focused on myself. JH was doing just what he wanted and could and is comfortable with. It was ll not good for me that's all, and not something I want to be involved in again. I would like only to meet someone who can love me as me, no games, no deceit, equality and support. This was not JH's fault, it just wasn't what the relationship was. How could it have been under the circumstances in which we met. The actual evening was very pleasant, talking with his children whom I met for the first time. DJ was intriguing with his pull on a lot of information but as yet delivered with the idealism of a 16 year old with a lot of energy and passion. And J was very graceful in her posture and demeanour. She has a great deal of tolerance it would seem. Whilst she said her English was not good, I thought her pretty good in locution and comprehension. And JH was, well himself I guess. His phone ringing raised the same old questions of wondering who exactly he has on the go these days and a gladness that it matters little to me so long as he is happy with his way of living and he seems so. I am sure there is so much pain for all three as changes continue to take place oh so slowly in their home living. I somehow think this slow change is more drawn out pain than is perhaps bearable. A clean break seems to bring sharp pain in the moment but creates space for healing sooner. That's just my opinion. It appears very "controlled" as in a way of putting off the pain, fear of pain rather than facing it. As I say it's just an opinion and not one that has been invited to impart directly with those concerned. Alors, je vais lasser tombe l'affaire la.
So what were my motives for meeting up. I think there were many. To be friendly because I can and before I go on and reveal other motives I want to restate that first motive as it is above all the most genuine one and most important. The questions as to why I want to remain friendly and open to that is another matter. This was raised this morning and I think it is good not to have so much ill-feeling left in the ether. There is enough anguish and separation and incomplete interrelations. It is good to be able to bring good feeling into things that have long since past. I am in contact with many people from the past. They are good people. Those that are not so good, well they do disappear. But I would be willing to be friendly and pleasant should any single one of them reappear in my life in some way. This is kind and gentle and loving thinking and attitude I believe.
So with JH in the country I do not see anything wrong at all with having met last evening.
I have to get ready to leave soon however I want to talk about the other less pleasant motives.
One was for JH to see me with my new right-sized body. And to witness the more pleasant, loving me rather than the memories of the frantic, aggressively, defensive me. I wanted to show that I am a nice person and much more self-assured without all the chaos. Some of that I think was wanting to take my power back and show that there was some effect of him that affected my attitude and behaviour. So I wanted him still to take some responsibility that at the end seemed as if he was putting all onto me. The thing is I can never get any to take responsibility and I don;t even really want to have to be doing that anymore. All I can do is keep the focus on me.
Another motive? Well to be able to maintain something of a friendship. As with JB I have done that but to be honest JB is very upfront. There is little that is secretive. I don't always agree with his principles on some matters but I very much admire his principles and ethical practice in other ways. He is human after all and I can accept that. And he offers a friendship to me, it's not all self gain. So having experienced that with JB why not JH too?
Also there is some catharsis in meeting and not wanting anymore. That helps with the letting go and the healing of the pain. When wanting still a meeting would be nothing but destructive for me.
So a bundle of drives towards my decision. And overall it was pleasant. The meal was tasty, in fact the seabass was amongst the best I have had for a long time. And it was lovely of JH to treat me to such lovely food. And it was interesting meeting his children after having heard much about them. I think JH really wants for his children to be a part of his life. I wonder how much he listens to their needs. But I have always wondered about that of him with people.
The other element of this is the dishonesty by omission. I feel pretty awful about myself for not having been honest with my sponsor, with friends and with fellows. The meeting up I mean. This is self-will. I had made the decision I was going to do it and I didn't want anyone to tell me not to.
How annoying that I can't stand up and be counted and whether the decision is the right one or the wrong one, people can give me their opinion but not tell me what to do. I have to be ready to do whatever is required. If people cannot be supportive that is their choice. If they want to make judgements and talk about me that is their business. If they want to break away from me that is their prerogative.
I really need to be on my way to A's to drop off LouLou and then wind my way on to work.
There is so much more to write. And I am likening this all along with Paradise Lost. It almost was during my life but somehow I am being show the reprieve. Perhaps I haven't followed the devil entirely I have not given in absolutely to the temptation. The devil has smiled and beguiled and almost won me over on many occasions. I think I may have always felt the heat of the burning inferno but been fearful enough to scrapple backwards somehow and just stay teetering on the edge. Thank goodness God is stronger in my life. God please I pray for the willingness to follow my programme, even though the path narrows. I pray to surrender to you. I pray that my spirit may soar in freedom by so doing. I trust that it will.
There is a lot more to write on this. Whether it will ever get written who knows. I have a lot to ponder
God thank you for this awakening and an opportunity to review and grow
I am committed to not retrurnign to food addiction in action. That means I have to follow a different path to maintain that. Nothing stands alone.

Bliss
XX

Back to Brighton

What a wonderful weekend. Well it feels like I've been away for days when in fact it was Friday night and Saturday.
Friday was pleasant enough. I was of a cheerful mood with L, And at times we even joked about. I had an opportunity to say nice things about her to a colleague within the hospital and leave it there. Despite every ounce of me wanting to make the compliment and then list all the things that were wrong. What is grating but with a smile at myself is that according to a colleague L has been singing my praises (not just mine but P's too) in the management meeting. So she did it first. However, first, second, third, it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that I did it at all. I need to start only saying the positive things. By doing it I felt really good about myself and it spreads goodness not diseased, nastiness.
And a really generous thing about her is that she will always try to accommodate S or I needing to leave early. There is a generosity about her which I could have been taking advantage of in retaliation but now I want to acknowledge graciously and return with putting in my effort to assist her in running a good department and not be against her, battling.
Thank you God for the awareness and the ability to change.

So by about 6pm I was arriving in Brighton. S was already there and had brought N with her. S was so hospitable right from the start. Showing me my room and choosing it for me as it was possible to see the sea from a certain position. It was a comfortable room. I slept well on Friday evening and lovely to be in bed and sleeping by about 10:30. I want earlier nights. I seem to think because I get home so late from work and meetings that I need to extend my time into the night, like it's a need and a right. And yet the only person I am depriving is me. Even last night I got home at about 10pm and was dropping off to sleep with my fingers on the keyboard of my laptop. I took myself off to bed gone 11pm. But that's so much better than usual. God please help me to get myself to bed earlier. It's not that I want you to pick me up and put me to bed, no, no. I know it's my responsibility to take myself to bed. But I ask you for the willingness please.
I was thinking I would get up and go to a car boot sale today. But to be honest the idea of driving backwards and forwards is what put me off. I need to back for the AWOL and then afterwards scoot off to A's for a walk with the dogs. And that will be via Lidl's. So a car boot as well seems unnecessary.
Instead I've had a good talk with my sponsor and a lovely warm but cool morning walk around the village with LouLou.
Lucky me.

So back to Brighton....
On Saturday morning, we were all up and taking our quiet time and making calls. I got up and went and sat in S's summerhouse for my quiet time and phone call. It was delightful. Peaceful. I could already acknowledge feeling safe and B added that I'm amongst fellows and feeling it. I did all the day. I could be me. I was truly enthused by S but I could also feel I needed breaks from her. She dominates the conversations and it's all about her. Which is OK. I don't need it to be any other way and can listen. At the same time I need a rest from that too. I love the relationship she has with her husband. They are so chirpy together. S shared with me that they had had a very difficult time and come through that with added strength. It was OK to have breaks away. I did that sitting quietly on the beach, just nearby everyone. They were all chatting in pairs and it felt perfectly wonderful to be quiet me, listening to the odd word here and there. I had been too uncomfortable to take off my shorts as I hadn't had time to properly prepare myself. I don't even want to write it out of embarrassment for anyone reading this. But I hadn't de-haired. I get embarrassed about this thing believing it is something that should never be talked about, that having hair in intimate places is wrong yet it grows there naturally. And having to de-hair seems as if I am less of a woman. It's almost Victorian it seems to me. The same as women don't sweat they glow. I flipping well sweat!! Therefore I am less of a woman you see and far too manly. I have even wondered if my mum sex-changed me before I would have any memories of that. Mind you I have also wondered if I was her best friends daughter really. I could sit and find resemblances in my looks and yet anyone who sees me remarks on how similar to my mum I actually am. Crazy? I know I am paranoid in funny ways. As B says I need to recognise the paranoia and then drop it immediately.
After breakfast S drove us all to the FA meeting in Brighton. It was so lovely. I met in person with people I have either spoken to once or not at all. I will make an effort to contact these people more often.
I asked E if I could visit her studio. She was so gracious in agreeing as I know she was incredibly tired. And oh my goodness what an honour it was. A fantastic working studio with pieces of work that just blew me away. She is working on an exhibition entitled Revelations and her work is inspired by Paradise Lost by Milton. Really, these pieces of work just blew me away. And our discussion too. FA has released something in her that it expressed so vividly. What it has done is enabled her to observe the emotions from a position on personal experience and growing knowledge and awareness but without being in the darkness of it. She can really exemplify what it was feeling like to wake up to the realisation of what the fallen angels had forsaken. And those moments before turning into the living hell they had descended to. The image of that despair and woe and shame and horror. And my knowing that being there would gradually use that to turn into bitterness and twisted attitudes. With an opening like that hell becomes integral not separate. Somehow God and heaven is not something that crawls in. God's grace is already and integral part of me. It is there to be sparked and ignited and emanate. It is different, it does not come from outside, whereas hell takes advantage to suck into the external environment to use the dark crevices that exist. They are to be ignored at ones peril. It is important to vigilantly guard the dark crevices and ask God's help to close them off. Will they ever be gone completely? Probably on my deathbed, until then it is my job to become more and more aware.
I have a funny sense around D. A few things have raised my suspicions, such as control. Specifically it was at a London meeting I attended when I noticed a very controlling manner about her, speaking for the group, making decisions for everyone and directing. I didn't react, I simply observed. I am also uncertain when speaking with her. Am I too suspicious? Others seem friendly enough and is this me being discerning and needing to trust my instincts or is this me be judgemental and negative. perhaps I am jealous of something. I do feel some jealousy actually. Knowing she has been visiting before and there was a sort of air of possession about her. I am not really sure what it is but my outward feelings are a sign I need to just observe myself and learn what this is about, so help me God. And my suspicions were raised further regarding my plastic boxes. I had brought in my boxes from Fridays lunch and they had been washed up and piled on a side with some others. As I was packing yesterday I went an reclaimed them. later on D said "oh I had piled all my plastic boxes together here and some have gone". I absolutely know they are mine. I didn't say anything and so haven't handled that well but I am left wondering why she was claiming my boxes. If I was a better person I suppose I would have said oh those I thought were mine that I brought in with me on Friday. And if she had insisted I would have just let her knowingly. As it is I am left with suspicions about her which add to a sense of discomfort about her.
I don't get a sense of suspicion about V but I do find her quite difficult to find a common thread with for discussion. Actually I think I quite like her. It was nice on Friday to be sharing experiences about drug use. I know she struggles with food recovery as she has been going to FA for 6 years I think she said and just keeps on relapsing. She currently has 4 months abstinence. Please God I can stay abstinent with your help. I think to start relapsing seems to flipping painful and then becomes part of the routine. I so don't want that.
Anyway E's studio was a highlight for me. If ever I can afford a piece of her work I would be honoured to own it and treasure it. She has also inspired me to read Paradise Lost, almost the prequel to Revelations.
Oh cute - G had made S a little box f word cards. And every meal she sits and takes a card, then thinking about what that Means to her. My first word was God. Wow! I shared that I feel closer to God than ever before in my life and how incredibly wonderful that is in bringing faith. What I didn't say is all that God means to me. I don't think it's possible to put into words. I have feelings about it. Sometimes it's as if I've taken a deep breath of fresh air just after sucking a mint, sometimes it's the feeling of the warmth sun penetrating right through to my bones, sometimes it's the thought of the neurons all electrified creating the thought therefore electrifying therefore thought, sometimes it's the passion that arises from being in the presence of a wonderful piece of art, sometimes its the sound of the sea crashing in or gently swooping out, sometimes it's the colour of the skies, sometimes it's the revelation of knowledge, of clarity. Sometimes it's the sound of laughter, sometimes it's the rain, sometimes, it's the moon, sometimes it's the night and then the dawn and then the day and then the dusk. It's the awe of history and time and space, its the wonder of change, it's the safety in faith. It's abundance, it's love, it's bliss, it's truth. It's EVERYTHING and how that makes me smile. It's being pleasant and loving towards EVERYONE. It's time with people and memories of people, it's experiences and cognition. It's delight and fun and profound. It's light and it's dark sometimes too. It's hills, it's trees, it's sky, it's bouncy green grass, it's life, it's death.

How do I love D for example? I can pray for her. I will speak with someone about the boxes and how I'm feeling about it. I guess I need to expel the whole thought process knowing that the focus is on me and discover gradually what it is all about. And also how I could have handled the moment better?
Actually I realised that I would rather speak with B about this. Talking to anyone else could feel uncomfortable for me.

It was something quite warm when G invited me to sit down with her for a while. I will try to remember that for times when I am sitting and can see someone looking and incite them to join me. I felt special and that's lovely. Sitting chatting with her was very calming too. I am excited for her havng this lovely relationship developing. I hope it continues. And it's encouraging. She is very glaourous though. I commented on that and she was disappointed wanting to be funky. We are never happy with compliments. I feel fat and oafish and yet I'm slim. The photos of me are so unattractive too.

V and I left towards Brighton. We had our supper sitting on the beach. It was lovely. He asked me about children and despite my shame and embarrassment I told him about TOP's. Phew it's difficult to even write the words. And my mixed up feelings about all of this. Even as I was talking I didn;t want to admit to myself that it would have been nice to ave had a child. I force myself to not want to have them or had them. I made this happen and have never permitted the maternal instinct apart from on one or two occasions. But I think there's something natural in that too. It didn't really arise because I have never been settled. I've never been in a relationship that was settled and every time I knew it. It was never forever.
I should like to share that with V too. It's not something I've even admitted to myself let alone anyone else. There's a sort of cold bravado about being a woman and not wanting children. It makes me different from the norm. It makes me heartless in appearance too I think and that's what I wanted to portray, nothing not even maternalism could get through to me.
It's so sad. Why? Well I think messages from my dad about the weakness of women and his distinct disapproval of that was a big part of that. And I guess his influence came from somewhere too. I know he despised his mother and I think by the sounds of it was depressed. He wasn't going to allow anything to make him an emotional person. And I think he was angry with ehr too for driving his father away. And as a little boy he admired his father. Of course he more than likely was unaware of any difficulties between his morhter and father. And then he was evacuated. Separated from both of them. How absolutely terrible that must have been for the children and the parents. And then he says that it was a horrible environment where the people were cruel to him and Uncle Mick. I wonder what Uncle Mick might remember about it?

And eventually V and I headed towards the station. He got home hopefully in time for his beloved football. And today can watch as re-watch teh highlights. I pray God that you can help him stick with abstinence and truly become all he is meant to be. What a lovely man V is. If he's an addict God and it seems to me as an outside observer he is, then please help him to find his way to commit to FA. He has a lot to achieve with his skills and experiences.

As I journeyed home I wanted to speak with J. Her text informing me that there are new polie enquiries into her sisters murder really interests me. I have no idea why it interests me so much. It is not in a hapy clapy way but in a tragically sad way. One moment a family is tripping along with every day struggles and strifes and then something snuffs that all out and a little girl is murdered. Dead. And how on earth can someone do that to a teenage girl or anyone indeed? It is so out of my knowledge and experience that it creates an curiosity in me. I want too to be able to offer support as a friend. J does not think there are residual feelings but I hear anger. She is placing it on the woman she believes has re-opened investigations. The police would not give any information even when she enquired if it's related to this girl. She was a friend of J's at a very young age, I think at primary school or infant's school. They stopped being friends at an early age too, just how things worked out. But some time ago this girl wrote to J's mother apparently. And forgive me for not getting the details correctly remembered but it seems that this person has revealed that J's sister had actualy introduced her to the killer at some point. I think that's what J said. J is so angry with her wondering why she couldn't let it all go after all this time, not undertanding that some people can't get over the trauma that simply. perhaps J has let it all go. I suspect it's more suppressed than dealt with. J is angry that it's all being dragged up again for her mother who is in her 70's.
It's odd that this has come up when Ian Bradley has supposedly revealed the whereabouts of Keith Thomas's brother. And at the coincidental timing of Keith's mother. She died yesterday morning with Cancer. She had spent her life time attempting to find the location of his body wanting a Christian burial. Did Brady know? Did he really reveal the whereabouts. And the arrest of the woman who allegely knew the details, arrested for subverting the course of justice or somethng. Was that real or a set up? Why do women visit these men in prison? And yet here I am morbidly curious myself. I want to be able to support J if she does need support in any way that I can. I do not want to try and give her therapy and yet I do, believing that there are undealt with issues when she doesn't. She didsay that reading the information she located online has

No more will get finished now as I am back at school - and get totally hamererd

Bliss
XX

TIQ

I noticed this morning that I was quite intolerant with L. But realising it helped me to invited God in and the rest of the day was different. She certainly seems different, not so critical.
It does help that I am much less intense, light and breezy whilst also stating my opinion and ideas. Then remaining open and receptive.
This evening I met with JH and his children for dinner. The George was pretty good actually. East Meon. They were very good at providing my abstinent food.
The conversation mainly centred around JH's children. That was OK.
I feel some sadness. Sad that JH wasn't the person I hoped he would be when I first started feeling more for him than the sordid underworld we indulged in.
I am aware that I can still feel easily excited by that dark behaviour but I want better for myself. And I also am not interested in a relationship where there are other women. So it was certainly right to go our separate ways. But of course the nice things are still nice. Honesty is so critically important.
And on this matter it makes me smile. I was talking with M prior to meeting JH and didn't tell her. I have sine told her and she said she could sense something was not right but didn't know what. Now she does.
I am full of fear of judgement and taking responsibility leave some vulnerable to being criticised. I am gradually getting there. The funny thing is that on many. many levels I am honest and decent. I am honourable and trustworthy in many areas. But create this distrust when fears stop me being honest. It is such a mental illness.
Interesting how JH thought there is a bigger problem in the UK with alcohol. Who really knows but what I do know is that there are NA and AA meetings in abundance all over the world. But that's to deal with addition. Not everyone is an addict yet abuses alcohol. I guess those people that continue when others stop and trudge through consequences, then there is an addiction problem.
It's interesting how there is a derogatory tone that emanates from many people talking about alcohol use without knowing the illness of addiction.
And it's not just about the alcohol or the drug. The illness involves dishonesty, negativity, self-hatred, self-centredness, and more.
It's all of these things that need addressing just as much as the substance or addictive behaviour i.e. gambling, food, and more.
But these cannot be worked on until the initial mind-altering behaviour is abstained from.

It irritates me that L uses the TIQ thingy she reads out. It's inaccurate. It has some truths but the research has far disproven some of what is being advocated and also enhanced on some ideas too.
I am not asked for an opinion about these things so no longer give them. It also puts and emphasis on blaming something. Anyway it's done and that' s that. Thank goodness I can also be opened minded and recognise that it does seem to help some people. Anything that lightens the path so that someone might take it is goo news.
And after all I am constantly wanting her to buy something.

Right I'm off to bed.
Thank you God for a day of abstinence. Thank you God for highlighting my truth and how much I need to take responsibility for it on all occasions. Learning, learning, learning. And as that's my passion what more could a weekend bring. Despite some fatigue here and there.

Bliss
XX

More on humility

Humility for Today

by Bill W.

AA Grapevine, June 1961

There can be no absolute humility for us humans. At best, we can only glimpse the meaning and splendor

of such a perfect ideal. As the book "Alcoholics Anonymous" says: "We are not saints. . .we claim spiritual

progress rather than spiritual perfection." Only God Himself can manifest in the Absolute; we human

beings must needs live and grow in the domain of the relative. We seek humility for today.

Therefore our practical question is this: "Just what do we mean by 'humility for today' and how do we know

when we have found it?"

We scarcely need be reminded that excessive guilt or rebellion leads to spiritual poverty. But it was a very

long time before we knew we could go even more broke on spiritual pride. When we early AAs got our

first glimmer of how spiritually prideful we could be, we coined this expression: "Don't try to get too

damned good by Thursday!" That old-time admonition may look like another of those handy alibis that can

excuse us from trying for our best. Yet a closer view reveals just the contrary. This is our AA way of

warning against pride-blindness, and the imaginary perfections that we do not possess.

Now that we no longer patronize bars and bordellos; now that we bring home the pay checks; now that we

are so very active in AA; and now that people congratulate us on these signs of progress--well, we naturally

proceed to congratulate ourselves. Yet we may not be within hailing distance of humility. Meaning well,

yet doing badly, how often have I said or thought, "I am right and you are wrong," "My plan is correct and

yours is faulty," "Thank God your sins are not my sins," "You are hurting AA and I'm going to stop you

cold," "I have God's guidance, so He is on my side." And so on, indefinitely.

The alarming thing about such pride-blindness is the ease with which it is justified. But we need not look

far to see that this deceptive brand of self-justification is a universal destroyer of harmony and of love. It

sets man against man, nation against nation. By it, every form of folly and violence can be made to look

right, and even respectable. Of course it is not for us to condemn. We need only investigate ourselves.

How, then, can we do more and more about reducing our guilt, rebellion and pride?

When I inventory such defects, I like to draw a picture and tell myself a story. My picture is that of a

Highway to Humility, and my story is an allegory. On one side of my Highway, I see a great bog. The

Highway's edge borders a shallow marsh which finally shelves down into that muddy morass of guilt and

rebellion in which I have so often floundered. Self-destruction lies in wait out there, and I know this. But

the country on the other side of the road looks fine. I see inviting glades, and beyond them great mountains.

The countless trails leading into this pleasant land look safe. It will be easy, I think, to find one's way back.

Together with numbers of friends, I decide to take a brief detour. We pick our path and happily plunge

along it. Elatedly, somebody soon says, "Maybe we'll find gold on top of that mountain." Then to our

amazement we do strike gold--not nuggets in the streams, but fully minted coins. The heads of these coins

each declare, "This is pure gold--twenty-four carats." Surely, we think, this is the reward for our patient

plodding back there in the everlasting brightness of the Highway.

Soon, though, we begin to notice the words on the tails of our coins, and we have strange forebodings:

Some pieces carry rather attractive inscriptions. "I am Power," "I am Acclaim," "I am Wealth," "I am

Righteousness," they say. But others seem very strange. For example: "I am The Master Race," "I am The

Benefactor," "I am Good Causes," "I am God." This is very puzzling. Nevertheless we pocket them. But

next come real shockers. They read: "I'm Pride," "I'm Anger," "I'm Aggression," "I'm Revenge," "I'm

Disunity," "I'm Chaos." Then we turn up a single coin--just one--which declares: "I am the Devil himself."

Some of us are horrified and we cry, "This is fool's gold, and this is a fool's paradise--let's clear out of

here!"

The colour virtue

Darn it! I wrote out here in this very page the extent of my anger. And blow me over with a feather the flipping thing crashed temporarily and all of my words have gone. Gone into the ether. And what's left? No anger. It's passed. It was in relation to spending time this evening with someone so very dear to me who in my opinion is in the very pits of this disease of addiction. Right now I feel sad to the point of tears, which is the next phase. I was so relieved I picked up the phone to SS and roared my anger out to her knowing that she could hold it and not try to fix it. She related and understood this horrible feeling of powerless. I cannot do a thing to help as hard as I try with talk and ideas and love. It just doesn't get through. And that's so tragic. I will not abandon her which is what people have said to do. I did in the early days of recovery from alcohol but the renewal of the friendship was always essential. A sad waste of someone so talented and clever. Please God I pray for A.
Thank you God for my awareness and for showing me how to do this differently. I knew I needed to speak to someone and to speak to someone impartially was just what I needed.
And also with L today. That was the other thing I had been writing about vigorously. I came across L talking to F (HD). I heard her say "this morning" and "she". As I was the only one in with her this monring I started thinking all sorts of things she was saying that would be lies. Thank goodness I didn;t do what I wanted to do and that was to listen in. After all there I was yesterday saying to a client about the self inflicted torture because he is reading texts and online messages that are truth but hurtful. It's none of my business. And what I did have was God. I asked God for help. I put my turst in God that whatever was being said, I would be OK. It's pride. Me wanting people to think well of me and the injustice of someone lying about me and disparaging my good name. Especially as here I am maing big changes. I need to start saying good things only about her. I need to stop doing that to her. It's a horrid feeling. I've known it before. The fear of being defamed and often with someone else's issues leading the defamation. Treat others as I would like to be treated myself.
Thank you God for guiding me. I feel better about myself too so thank you God for that too.
And this evening I feel very honoured that a friend was able to share a little of themselves. I know it's nothing to do with me but to be present at the moment that person was able to verbalise some deep truths and put trust in being heard - well I am blown away. Thank you God for guiding that person and I pray for them. I know the changes that are taking place in me are just beginnings and there for his taking to.
Thank you God for so much and everything. I pray for more of course - well I am an addict after all. ;)

It's bedtime despite the colour virtue not being finished. I want to continue watching the WHITE programme. I found the BLUE programme fascinating. I will need to watch the GOLD programme as I skimped it. Colour will be talked about by Stephen Fry too on Radio 4. Sometimes wotk just gets int he way. Thank you God for iPlayer. Convenient.

Nighty night and thanks for the release from anger and the amusing way of taking it right away. Gone, for tonight.
oh thank you God for keeping me abstinent today. Amazing, truly!!

Bliss
xx

ps - some more darn it's. I've had a few hot flushes over the past few days. Today they were bigger than yesterday. I hope this doesn't mean they are coming back along with a whole host of other symptoms. Tedious and horrible. I thought I was done and dusted with that!! Poop!

White may be the darkest colour of them all? The purest colour became tainted.
White came to symbolise an enlightened world. But was used to divide and control and then finally to conquer.......

25 Sep 1938 - The Director of the British Museum was on his rounds - but unbeknownst to him an incident was taking place in the basement. Cleaning was taking place of some objects, some of the most prized possessions, the Elgin Marbles.
A number of sculptures. They were once painted in rich colours that had washed away. But at one point we were convinced they had always been wither and were being made whiter than ever before.
The Director put a stop to the cleaning - the culprit - Joseph Devene. He thought the marbles were too brown and believed they should be white. This action had not been approved by the Museum.

The intrigue of white = why was Devene so desperate that the sculptures should be white and so white. The Greek sculptors when to lengths to painting away the white.
Planting white at the centre of European culture was Johann Joaquin Winkelmann, born in 1717 in eastern Germany. He was an intellectual and wanting to set foot in the cosmopolitan areas.
He arrived in Dresden and discovered
He found a store of ancient white statues in all shaped and sizes. There were plenty for hm to feat his eyes on and of the most wonderful. He there and then dedicated his life to persuade others of the beauty.
in 1755 he found a city littered with white columns and so on from ages past. He started recording all the marble he found. The Belvedere Torso and others.
His records got him noticed by the Vatican. He set eyes on the Apollo Belvedere. A copy of which in in Soanes house. This one in the Vatican was believed to be a copy of a Greek original carved in about 300BC


What's truly surprising apart from being the most beautiful man, is it's whiteness. This sculpture shows how sophisticated the ancient Greeks really were.
White symbolised health, simplicity, reason and more.
He celebrated the whiteness of this art.
We should feel indebted by Winkelmann for inspiring the future.
Whiteness is purity. Winklemann's dream of filling the world with this purest antiquity.
An elegant building - home of Britain's most famous potter. Wedgwood. A giant of the enlightenment
He was the grandfather of Charles Darwin - wow
He was a Winkelmann disciple sharing a love for white antiquity.
Voltaire the philosopher, Joseph Banks, botanist,
Wedgwood was determined to bring the sculptor to the edge of comfort an then let them go.
His family were unperturbed and yet I don't see any activity

It was very difficult to reproduce a paint that getting to a white glaze was a constant disappointment for M.
The first great white glaze ....
He turned out a seres of beautiful whits pots.

Neoclassical consists of flutes and columns. As well as available space. I could not imagine anyone coming here!!!!

White had conquered Europe through Winkelmann.
Mid 18th century - a transformation about the way we view white and art.
1859 a  young man married on out shoes - please can you cover today for me

Smidgenless control

Of course, you can't control other people, Bliss. Not even a little; not a smidge. Every man and woman is their own sailing vessel powered by their own thoughts, emotions, and imagination. You can't improve their smile, nor even add to their woes, unless, at some level, they let you.
So, does that pretty much clear up the effect others can have on you?
You rule,
    The Universe

Perfectly - now I know that intellectually but putting in the action to follow up my knowledge, well that's another thing all together. And so much harder to do when I'm tired. I have no business being tired and need to get to bed earlier. That's insanity - knowing I need sleep and pushing it to way beyond the limits.
Universe please help me find the willingness to go to bed early. I get resentful as I arrive home late from work, prepare my meals for the next day and then want to sit and do me things which means I go to bed way later than I need to. I need to find a way to accept this is the way tings are and get to bed early anyway. Well being first, which means letting go of desires.

Thanks
Bliss

xx