Another unsent thext - New Year

 I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.

I started my new job. So nice to be in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.

It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it

I've had longings for closeness with George but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for George. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .

My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm

learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.

So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going I think

to look it up. Later on I'm meeting George - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I don't think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx


And here is one I drafted in about October time. Interesting because I have been writing Step 4 and being bad-tempered. I don't think I am particularly moody. But have identified how stroppy I can be and how this manifests in different ways - sometimes outwardly and stomping around, ranting and raving but not at the person involved directly. Or I can be inward, silent treatment with the person involved. I am often thinking I am in the wrong though, not knowing what to say if anything and wondering if I'm just being selfish and intense. Confused and confusing????

'It's nice to stop an d reflect on this. All temptation to be stroppy here has fallen away. I get a sense of power through my stroppiness but it turns into negative projection . This morning I can see things differently here.

I read this this morning and liked it and would like to share it with you:

But at my back I always hear,

Time's winged chariot hurrying near;

And yonder all before us lie,

Deserts of vast eternity.

Andrew Marvell (1621-1678).

This links with my idea that we are time travellers. In every moment we have memories of the past and plan or project consciously or unconsciously about the future. Often the past is unconscious I know you know this. But if I am in the present and aware of my past and future I can bring all three together. I also read that "the past and the future are folded into the present and then we see clearly - not through images and fantasies, but through the actuality of living - the past, the future, and the present as one moving reality ...and when we see that reality fearlessly, with depth and clarity, our poor reality evaporates. In its place is the real, the true, in which we can live fully.'

Bliss
xx

Principles, morals, ethics

Self will - interesting. A question my sponsor G asked of me this morning is what is this all about. It refers to the fact that I arranged to meet with G without speaking it through with anyone. And then what she doesn't know is that he stayed over and we had sex despite me saying I didn't want to. Of course the lust and the neediness took over and I agreed to. But it really wasn't and isn't what I wanted. Now I feel used even if that isn't what he's done. I have all sorts of suspicions about what he says and questioning if it is what he really means. I need to reel myself back in and take care of myself. Is this a similar pattern as I play out with my dad. There is the feeling of being reeled in and believing that I'm going to be grabbed and held onto, only to find that my dad has thrown me back oiut to sea as far as he can throw me.
That has been the pattern with him. Do I set up the same thing with men?
I DO NOT like the situation. I like G, the man underneath it all. The remarkable him with so many talents that are unhoned and as he says he has no ambition, no desire. Sounds similar to JB. He has the ambition with his music and wanting to create but seems to lose interest. I wonder if some of that is because no one has taken the interest. I don't think anyone was ever enthused for him as a child. Similarly with G. Living in children's homes I can see how devoid of encouragement and love his life had been. And I think that leaves a big hole. Similarly I have holes.
But this self will sponsor G was referring to is about me not involving her in EVERY little detail. It's true already I am not telling her all. I didn't tell her until the morning of the day G and I had arranged to meet. When in fact I had known for some days. On the day I was trying to convince myself that I would be boundaried and he would stay until 5pm either walking or at my house. And then I would say goodbye and have my meal and get to the AA meeting. It didn't happen that way. I really knew it wouldn't anyway but rather hoped it would.
I want him to want me and he said all the right things. I want to believe him but I don't trust him. I said that I don't want a relationship the way it clearly was. I love him and I like him. But I don't like his situation for me. He thought I was demanding and judging which I truly wasn't. It was just that the situation is not what I want for myself. I do not want to be a another person in a relationship. Albeit there was a togetherness despite her being married and G knowing that she would never leave her husband.
G admitted actually a couple of nights ago when he stayed over (yes we are back together and that;s more of this story of mine) that when he is in a sulky silence he wants me to know he has loads of texts coming in. Now how I'm thinking is that when he's in a moody with me he is sitting and texting D or Mrs E as she was known. I have started calling her by her name. I don't think he's comfortable with it but it makes if more real for me. He does call everyone Mrs this or Mr that. It's a sort of endearment I think, I'm not sure. But it distracts as well somehow. So have I told you the situation?
He was having an affair with D. He met her in the rooms. She is married and was then too. He became besotted with her it sounds. She is older than he is and hearing his stories this is a common theme. One woman, his therapist can you believe, was considerably older. Now I do wonder at the ethical practice of this woman. He talks about it as if it was a normal practice. I am abhorred to learn of yet another service provider getting involved with a client. It was really unpleasant observing all the chaos with I when he got together with his/our client. I remember feeling quite shocked to learn of the woman that took over the Vine in Aldershot was living with someone who had been her client in her previous role. It's so dangerous. So open to abuse of a position with vulnerable people. I will never say never but I am very committed to maintaining my ethical boundary. G questions me when I say that "never say never". I do not want to tempt fate by saying I would NEVER do something. Who can say but I can certainly work towards upholding that principle that I hold very dear.
It's the same with the practice of fidelity. I want to be loyal and faithful in my relationship and want to be trusted for that. I will NEVER say never but I want to keep working on a daily basis to uphold that. Similarly honesty. I want to be honest day to day. I am so not, in many little ways.
Writing my Step 4 is revealing so many things I am uncomfortable about. It really is quite an amazing Step 4 experience at the moment. I'm not sure I've seen in this way before when doing Step 4. Each one has had a value for me that's for sure.
I was writing this morning about my self will and selfishness. I want what I want when I want it. And sometimes this will be at the expense of many principles. For example I want to be with G. There are however many things about him that are not right for me. I am certainly not happy being with someone who spends so much time and has to lie to D to ensure he can still go to her home and be with the dogs. He doesn't want to lose that even though he isn't in a relationship with her. He tells me he finds her quite a turn off actually. I do wonder about that. He said all of that physical attraction went long ago. He likes her and more importanlt;y cares for her well-being. There is a loveliness about this but I also wonder about that. HIs friend Mrs Forest he calls her P, says his big mistake was telling me so openly about everything. I say the opposite. The truth will be revealed and that I trust in. So for the fact that I want what I want and what I want is his attention and for him to love me and want me. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I will forsake certain principles. For instance the situation, I will act as if I am accepting of it and trust what he says. I also overlook the fact that he has no  money and no drive, no ambition. He never has he says. I wonder if this is similar with JB and if their lack of any real love and attnetion as chuldren has anything to do with this laziness and inertia really roots from some kind of developmental problem as a result of a lack of any real attention and encouragement. They are both really quite brilliant brains. A big capacity for knowledge and bot creative. And yet no desire to utilise that. Maybe it is nothing to do with the lack of loving attention and encourgament, maybe it is the creative brain which brings a degree of inertia. There is a distinct similarity though. What a great source of material for initiating a study and getting some understanding. There's the psychologist, the forensic as G would probably call me.
I overlook the fact that he is dirty and untidy, disrespectful without even knowing it I feel about dropping crumbs everywhere or taking off muddy shoes. I will have to set these boundaries I think because although I'm messy I don't want to have to clean up so often and therefore his mud and mess is making things much worse. I also don't want to and can't afford to take care of both of us financially. I need to be more boundaried. I want to afford to go to London FA and Brighton FA but because I was codependently spending out on G as well as myself I cannot afford these things this month.
So you see here are some things that I overlook because I want what I want. I do love him as a peson. He truly is brilliant and remarkable. And those bits I'm really not prepared to lsoe those things.

Bliss

 

Permission to be spontaneous please

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0062505890

Hi L - this is the Amazon uk link to Facing Codependence. Pia Mellody.
I found it helpful. After about 3 years in recovery from alcohol I started to feel crazy and read that book. I then started going to CoDA about 5 years in. I hit a rock bottom with it. Despite my denying I needed CoDA it became a life saver.
I didn't realise how much underlies addiction for me. The alcohol or other addictive behaviours are merely symptoms. So whilst totally believing my need go AA etc I know the work has been an ongoing process. And wow how amazing it is.
It is the work that means life is for living. I just need to keep the priorities in order.
My own sponsor wants me to put my recovery with FA first. I'm fighting so I do really relate to you.
Trying to find a balance when I have full time work and long days with that - up at 5 am to say prayers, half hour quiet time, call to sponsor, write step 4, and have breakfast to leave by 6:30. Then I'm not home usually until 7 - prep my meals for following day, meetings Wed and Fri (Sats as well but that's more manageable), study my degree, have relationship with George, see friends, on Sunday telephone meeting, personal interests.
Flipping heck and so committing to 3 meetings a week can seem too much and one of those is to be FA - Sat am either London or Brighton.
But you know I absolutely know I cannot keep abstinent without help. Well I tried it for years. So I'm guessing it would still be the same soon reverting to gradually picking up. I'd probably manage for a while. I'm pretty sure. I do not want to take the risk of losing my abstinence.
There are plenty of times when I think I'm not an alcoholic or a drug addict. Who knows??! But I know I have this mental illness.
Have you read Step one in the little red book?
I really had to take a good look at the mental illness element. It's taken me many years to really get an understanding.
For me it manifests in negativity and self hatred - strongly.
That then can manifest as fear and dishonesty, inc people pleasing, and controlling behaviour and so on. I love the little red books way of describing the steps. I read each step slowly and repeatedly.
Anyway enough already .....
Before getting completely ensconced in codependency - ensure you're really settled in step one. That's experience not judgement.
I know well that you have no doubts about your problems ie the chaos or unmanageability. How acceptant are you that you're an alcoholic and therefore powerless? What does being an alcoholic actually mean. Not trick questions just things I think worth exploring. Sometimes I have to ponder this without analysing it. Ask others.
I can go on and on and on.
Anything to deflect from writing step 4.
Some of what I say is ideals. I wish I did my recovery how I say it. But it's talking about it that reminds me what I don't do.
I need to be firm with George about my meetings commitments, my studying and my time with friends. I don't think he'll like it. But I need his support if we can be together. This required me to be honest and boundaried. I am afraid though. Afraid it'll be too difficult or he'll get moody. Just how much I try to keep everything okay for everyone else but st my cost.
I want to be more empowered. Otherwise I get resentful. I am an alcoholic - its not all of me but it is a part of me. That part needs certain things. As does other parts of me, the fun lover, the artist, the professional, the curious, the nature lover, etc etc.
Takes effort to fulfill all parts of me but all need attention sometimes some parts more than others.
Thank you for letting me write all of this.
Not essential reading. Just a really useful share for me

This was a email I drafted but didn't send. I didn't think it appropriate in this form.
You see I am consdiering FA and all the "rules"
I am sure I am interpreting things with a whole host of history attached. I see it though as being required to ask permission to live my life. I don't want to have to check in with anyone to make a decision to go to a different meeting. I don't want to have to check in to say that these are my plans with G and besides they can change and I like that spontaneity - sometimes the changes are not to my liking admittedly and I don't know how to say that without pissing him off ad then spending a week with sulks from him.
I don't want to sponsor. I don't want to be told I can't sponsor someone in AA who asked me. How honoured I feel to have been asked. It's amazing.
I don't want to try and get to London or Brighton on a regular, fixed basis. I can't always afford it. And yet I think I hear that I am being told to prioritise this. I am struggling financially as it is. And yes every so often I spend irrationally. That's true but sometimes I want to be able to do that.
I don't want to lose my food abstinence. But I do feel angry and stroppy about some of these things.
I think my sponsor got fed up with me and when she said "you've got things to think about" it sounded dismissive and somehow seemed like I'm being naughty and told off. It probably wasn't like that but that's how I've perceived it.
I think as well it's important for me to express my truth. It may not be what people want to hear and no longer means I'm the good girl. But these thoughts are my truth. If I don't express them then what? It'll all be inside me unsaid and I think that's far more dangerous.
I think as well that it's a sort of testing of the boundaries. Is it really okay to be me and have my say and not get barracked for it. Or punished with abandonment. I'm half expecting G to withdraw gradually. I'm too much trouble. Costly in time and energy. It was impossible to speak openly and honestly with B. She just is that very strict ma'am. That didn't work out for me in the end. However I'm very gratefuil for the recovery I've gained through her support. And with G I have more food and am putting on some pounds. I need to but it's scary too.
I forgot to tell her this monring how much I weighed in with 120.6 pounds. Which is 1 pound less than when I used SS's scales. I was going to step on them as well to see if things are very different on those from last week. How confusing. How annoying.
The anorexic thinking is rife. I don't want to be bigger. I can feel rolls where I didn't thave them last week. It's probably in my imagination.
I wonder of this is contributing to me wanting to leave FA.
Not to mention I am writing Step 4, my dad has angrily stopped me from contacting him or the hospital more than once a week. There is little news. I have felt hurt and angry and even dramatic about this. And yet I also feel some relief and even some acceptance after 52 years of trying to get his approval.
And then there is G. I have had little contact. The contact I've had is sporadi. I'm imagining he's been staying with D and doesn't tell me since his friend P said his big mistake was in telling me. If he goes underground and secretive then it makes it all the more suspicious. All this goes thorugh my head. INstead I need to trust him. If I don't trust him it will all be destroyed within me. I am missing hi.
Yet I am also questioning whether I want to be with someone who is so work shy and doesn't have the drive to earn money. He wants to doss about all day in Elstead with D. And claims that he has tis love for the dog. I wonder if the dog represents what he cannot have fully with D. If D's husband died would they then really get it together? Is he lying to her and to me? Is he spoinning me lines so that he can just have both situations? If it si like that he's a player and it's not what I want. But I just have to believe him. He says he needs time but to be honest there's never going to be any change. I don't want to be in a relationship where he is lying to me and has this closeness with someone else. I wouldn't do it to him - or would I? I want to have my friends. I just don't want to run away from life to be with them. That;s what I see of him. Avoidance and going there to avoid. Then he can come to me, have sex and avoid life in another way.
Or is this all in my head? I have to keep trying to find ways to push it away. I become obsessed with it and distracted.
Can I learn to accept it?
Ths evening there's been a few almost nothingness texts. What's that all about? Is he staying there hence there's little signal - sporadic. But would he tell me the truth if he is staying there? Should I ask him?
Did he ask what I was doing to find out if it was all clear to go to the meeting with D?
I just don't know if I believe him and yet have to keep putting that aside.
Aaaaargh
Crazy making. I dislike my insecurity.
Please HP help me to stay away from all of this craziness.

Bliss
XX

Dacryogogue

Where did I get to.
Oh G made contact with me. By text. It was friendly. He asked if I was enjoying my new found freedom. The answer was "Nope! Miss you. Love you. Like you". He said goodie and then we discussed meeting up. I said that the terms and conditions would need to be different. He asked where he needed to sign.
We met on Saturday for a walk. He came over to me at first suggesting midday. I delayed it until 1pm because I decided to go to the hospital. Not to see my dad but to speak with the nurses. I had finally managed to speak with Dr U on Friday night but I wanted to show a presence and ask the nurses what they thought was his condition and what would happen next. They explained that he'd had the cat scan but still was eating very little. They were trying to persuade him to eat. But he was drinking more and had been sitting up earlier. I left with that news but before I did I asked them if they could tell my dad I had visited and to call me if he felt up to it later on.
Well Later on he did call. It was early evening. He was angry and didn't want me to bother the nurses anymore. He said I was to call no more than once a week. He would call me if there was anything to tell me that I should know. He didn't want me contacting Dr M. D had told him I was going to see Dr M, he didn't want that. I said that was not the case at all. He said nothing to that. I mentioned the fact that he'd had D visit him. He said nothing to that either.
I was upset and he said "you are always snivelling". It's true I do cry a lot. Isn't it okay to cry? No not for him. It never has been. He's been nothing but demeaning about his mother always crying or my mum or me. I was a little girl and he would criticise me for crying. It's always been the same. The rejection and the criticism. Always. And when I tell people that he's said these things they seem to make excuses for him, saying that it's because he's unwell. He's always frigging been like this. Putting other people before my mum or me. They would get all the niceness and glory. We would get the second citizen treatment. Why?
 I suppose I can easily take people for granted. And why do it do that?
A new person can come along and I will become totally absorbed with them forsaking those that are constant in my lie. I do that when a new man comes into my life until gradually they become the norm too. Why? Is this partly the way of things - the new is exciting and variety. But I think it can go to an extreme. I want to be more mindful to be grateful for those people in my life and show it too.
Please Universe guide me in this and remove that forsaking of those that really do matter to me. Help me to show that they matter as much as they do. Wow! I can be so selfish.
My dad is that way without realising it I am sure. And actually I can respect his wishes because I do have a programme. It fills me with sadness. I have felt melancholy now for days and days. But that's okay in the greater scheme of things. I am certain I will be okay.

So G. Well he doesn't want to lose me but he doesn't want to lose the situation at Elstead. He is insistent that the relationship is in my imagination and that I am making assumptions. But I really am not okay with it. He says he needs time. I am not okay with it anyway. It drives me nuts. Already it's driving me crazy. I think it is so much better for us not to be living together as we were. it was never discussed he was just there permanently. And driving himself stir crazy in the process.
I said what I wanted so as not to be lost. He suggested he stays. He also thought we had had some kind of tiff. He said that I was proud and wasn't going to contact him. Too right I wasn't because it was over as far as I was concerned.
I do not want to be seeing someone who I cannot contact when he is with this woman in case it upsets her. I do not want to be with someone who is receiving texts and responding to them. I do not want to be with someone who sits in silence and deep moods without ever wanting to talk about it and who runs off to Elstead where he ca find peace and be happier. If he is happier there then he an choose that life. He cannot have me just when it suits him.
But what did I do? I agreed to him staying oer. I didn't want to be without him for the evening and night. And despite everything I said I allowed him to have sex with me. I didn't want sex but I was beguiled and hurting. I said that if we did it would be the last time. I think it will have to be. He asked me to assure hi that it wouldn't be the last time.
The thing is it gets all stupid the toing and froing that I then do. Saying one things and doing another. It makes my word meaningless. So am I going to have a time of going backwards and forwards. Not trusting him as I know he tells Mrs E untruths to stop her from being hurt,. stop her from knowing the truth so that he doesn't lose the bits he likes. I cannot trust him. If he can do that to her he can do it with me.
He wants the truth from me because he finds it difficult to trust. He's right. I can tell half stories to avoid the shame I feel and the threat of losing the person if they know and judge me. I need to put faith in the bigger picture rather than hold onto that fear within the minutiae. I can either decide to push the doubt and negativity aside and trust that the truth will be revealed to me. It's a pride thing. i do not want to be made a fool of. And a pride thing thinking she will think she has won. Furthermore how dare he think he can have both. He cannot have me. I do not want to be in a relationship that involves another woman in this way. But he can turn it so that I feel the cad. He says there is no relationship yet he enjoys her company he takes her messages and responds he takes her to meetings. It's not okay with me. He doesn't want to lose me and I am not judging him for the way things are with Mrs E. If that's what he wants then it's truly what I want him t have. But I do not want to be involved.
I have a slight doubt wondering if I am cutting my nose to spite my face. Which is what keeps me just holding on for a little bit.
He told me he has arranged to meet his friend N, nicknamed Erst as he always talks about his erstwhile missus. Anyway I know he has told Mrs E that he has arranged to meet Erst when in fact he was with me. Do I raise this? Or do I leave it. He said he'd arranged this as I had said I didn't want to see him tonight after all. I hadn't said that but sobeit that's what he understood.
PD said today that this was similar to JH. Why can't I meet uncomplicated men? I smiled. He is so right. What is the lesson to learn here. I know that one is sticking with my boundaries. I could suggest again that we remain friends as best as that can be. And in time if he becomes more available then we could see what happens. But this way he thinks he can see me have sex and carry on just as it was. I do not want to be seeing him with him lying to me. I do not want evenings where he is texting to and fro with her. I do not want sex with him whilst he is taking his time that he said he needed. I need to maintain that boundary.
I have to be honest with my sponsor tomorrow. I feel certain that she will be disappointed with me. I certainly got a little bit of a fix I suppose having had all those feelings with my dad.
Oddly enough I felt numb for a while and whilst deeply hurt also some relief. I am worried that it is simply a numbing out of the rage and depth of hurt that is as yet untapped into. I hope not though and it is actually acceptance that all these years, my entire lifetime I have been trying to please my dad and be accepted by him. But it has been useless. Whatever I've tried I cannot get anything much from him. Occasionally I've been buddies with him when I was criticising people just as he was or siding with him against my mum. How terrible it was in our household, always two siding together against the other. I hated it when my mum sided with my dad. I felt scared and very alone.
So that's a little update.
I am writing Step Four so there is a lot of self awareness arising. It's interesting. I hope I can learn and move away from some of the patterns. My neediness of men is one of them.

Good night
Bliss
XX

Oh I forgot to mention that I am house sitting. The man purpose is to be present for the 21 year old foster girl. She has learnt today that she will get her own home in February. That is fantastic news for her. It's a nice enough house and very quiet here. I do feel odd and that's probably contributing to thinking about G and where is he etc. When Last week I didn't think once about what he was doing. It didn't matter anymore.
Anyhow it's evening number 2. I've done all of my washing. That's helpful. The journey is much reduced and so I can leave a little later in the morning and get back earlier. I am saving on my electricity bills as well as saving on fuel costs. To help further I am doing a four day a week from now on whilst I am studying and that begins this Friday.
So with a bit of luck I might save a bit oh and I am being paid the money that S and C would receive for foster caring R. It's £120 towards my washing machine. I am a bit pissed off with G that he didn't offer me the £10 he took the night before we divorced. He bought tobacco. And I think he thinks the putting in of the shower is repayment for the £240 he borrowed for his tyres.
Hmmmm. And He mentioned giving my key back but didn't give it back.
I think there are still things to be clarified. He seems to think all the talking is done. I am far from done. I am still assessing the situation.
B x

 

New Job New Life

Bloody hell! 2013 has started with an emotional roller coaster.
I visited my dad on Monday. New Years Eve. Thank goodness I was spending the evening with AB. I feel safe there to be how I feel even though it irritates me when A has a Pollyanna view of everything.
The door was left ajar. My dad was sitting in the armchair. He looked deathly. So tiny and frail. Having seen him a couple of months ago when he had lost a lot of weight then was shocking enough.
We had little to say. I was there for an hour and found it difficult to make the decision to leave. It felt rude. For goodness sake this is my father.
How can a relationship with a father be so awkward.
We talked a little about CS's impending death. He may already have been dead. I have since left a message for JF just to see if I can gather any news. I would like to attend the funeral if I can.
As I was preparing to leave my dad asked me to take some note paper. He instructed me like a bloody sergeant. Anyway I did it with good grace. He told me to write my mobile number down for the neighbours. I was relieved. I had asked him to give them my number a while ago when he first told me they were really helping. He also asked me to put JB's number down. I then went to see them. And although feeling a little together I burst into tears. They were so lovely. They told me that T was very difficult and when she was home they were less able to offer assistance. But they said my dad was a lovely man, that they really liked him a lot. And they were only too pleased to be able to help him. B gets the paper for him every day and M tries to get him to eat. They were relieved that I was involved and now a contact. They gave me T's daughters numbers.
I left. Gosh it was so painful and frightening seeing my dad that way.
I felt so helpless and terribly alone with this. Desperate I just didn't know what to do. The distance between is so great there seemed little I could do and also greedily, vulture-like I was getting concerned about the future if he dies before T. What about my GREATER part of the inheritance. Ugh! I find that so ugly in myself and ever since then keep practising letting it go. It will be what it will be. For so long I've been counting on it to get me out of the hole I see myself in. I need to start being grateful for what I have got and if I want something different I need to work towards it. I think it is often I want an easier, softer way such as inheritance or meeting a rich man who will provide all that I want. Ha! And every man I've met has really not been terribly wealthy at all or I leave just before they start to make something of themselves. Look at SH. Apparently his business is steaming upwards now. The thing is I can never sell my soul for money in that way. The unhappy relationship just isn't worth it. And yet I see so many women do that. The irony is that I could sell my body for sex. Sometimes even just give it away.
My dad seemed to have got confused over night that JB was visiting the next day. The neighbours told me so. I got in contact with JB and was talking as if he was going. He informed me that when speaking with my dad there had seemed to be this misunderstanding. I wanted him to go. You see I felt that my dad need hospitalisation. But my dad would never ever take that from me. Furthermore I always think I'm making a drama and fuss about nothing. So when JB agreed to see him and called me afterwards expressing equally his deep concern I was relieved. So I resolved the next day to contact his GP and insist someone get out to see my dad. I was as usual scared to make the call straight away. I kept thinking my dad will be furors and am I just making a mountain out of a mole-hill. Especially as when talking with D on New Years Eve when I visited my dad she said that he was perkier than he had been. Bloody hell. Honestly he looked like death. Death in his eyes. Yet there was an uprightness about him. His anger since suggests that there is till a will to live. Who bloody knows with my dad?
Anyway I had so much compassion for my dad. I wanted to help.
The neighbours called me on 2 Jan to tell me that my dad had arranged to get to hospital. B was taking him. I was so relieved. I felt like I was doing something and nothing at all. I thankfully didn't need to in the end.
So my first day at work with PD was great. I felt dreadful and not excited but also very excited.
It was easy going. I had a tour of our offices. In true PD fashion everything was in his order and I smiled inwardly.
Gratefully he permitted me to leave after lunch. I drove straight to QA. As I walked in I was terrified knowing he would be angry that I was there. He was.
I managed to get him to put me as a secondary next of kin. Or rather the staff nurse did. I filled her in a little, saying that he was so difficult but that the rift was historical. She just listened. It was she that insisted my dad had a secondary next of kin because T is still unwell.
My dad did tell me that T is jealous of me and that I can ring around her daugthers and she knows it. This was in response to me asking why she disliked me so much. He had told me he gets a lot of grief is she knows I've been involved. It was hurtful to learn from the daughters that they do visit all the time. They've been involved all along - a lot. He has always maintained that they hardly ever visit.
They keep telling me about all the times they are seeing him in hospital when he's told me he doesn't want me to visit.
So I decided that i would respect his wishes but instead would phone and on advice from D and JH I would push and enquire what action is being taken. I managed to speak with the on duty consultant although I'd been repeatedly asking to speak with Dr M. A scan had still not been done and I mentioned this to the Dr U. He seems to have expedited that thank goodness. So when Dr M is back today at least the scan results will be on their way.
Actually initially when I spoke with D it was a relief ...
There is more.
This was all about my first few days of 2013 and the first day of my new job. Things are changing rapidly. Read on when I next can write.
Bliss
XX


 

It Will Become Clear

Dont' analyse things. The simplicity is just stop asking why, it's just about allowing myself to be in the day. Go with it, don't do anything impulsively.
My feelings are frozen today and just let it be okay not to know how I feel.
I've been in a whirlwind. And then I start thinking about all the things that were so nice about the relationship, it's like a food thought. I can't afford to go there.
I'm shocked by how much I don't tell people. This illness is cunning and baffling. Universe please help me.
Universe I pray for my dad and for T, his wife. I pray for G. I pray for M who seems quite content really right now. I pray for this world that is being blistered and punctured by us humans living life in a way that I seem to think is unconsciously. Me included. I pray for the women in India who it seems are so vulnerable and the women in some Arab states too that they may have freedom. In fact I pray for any people oppressed in some ways and ridden with fears. I pray for me to be free of my fears some of them irrational.
Universe please show me how to be for the best of living life on this planet.

I have been struggling with my sense of my HP. I can see as I was talking about it this morning that it's another thing that I was metamorphosing into G. Taking on his attachment as my own. Is this so that he would approve of me? Or is it that my own beliefs can seem so flimsy. Often I think I must be wrong when people are so fervently critical. G was fervently critical of others and I didn't want him to be so critical of me. Yet I didn't like his criticism, his non-acceptance of others. I was prepared to overlook that or so I thought for what else seemed so good. What a remarkable man he is you see. I was charmed by his knowledge of wild flowers and the birds. It was charming to see his interest in such elements of our world and seem to care so much about it. But in return he didn't care for humans at all. I can see how and why, knowing his childhood story. He has been abandoned beyond anything loving. Abandoned by his mother into a social system that left children to the hands of care homes with little more than a roof over his head. Details of his story have left my heart hurting at times ad I think I wanted to show him that there is something different ad yet in the end he has got exactly the same thing. That is surely as a result of both of our negativity's. It was almost inevitable and actually he questioned whether anything could be different. He questioned whether people can change fundamentally. I wonder the same thing although I believe some things do change if I put the effort into the things that work. Such as the Steps. G doesn't continue to work with a sponsor or continue working the steps in any formal fashion. Perhaps he's right in that you don't need to be doing any theoretical work around the steps. I'm sure he told me that he did step 4 and 5 but did not go further than that. I hear his lack of faith or interest in the rooms. He hates meetings and the majority of the people in the rooms. He gets to care for a few people. He did care for me and I regret that he will now hold hatred for me as he does so many other people. I regret that so very much. All I really want is to show him love and friendship. The only way I've known how to do this throughout my life is to be so totally involved. I gave myself totally, money, time, space, history, bodily in an effort to show that there was something else. And yet that total giving resulted in exactly the opposite; anger, abandonment, disapproval, feeling trapped and wings clipped.
I am stunned at how little I talk to anyone about details. So I lent G £240 to get his tyres repaired. I do not have enough money for a washing machine and at times can't afford my bills and yet I lent the money freely. Part of it was because he was not doing anything about his tyres and just staying here day after day, night after night. I thought once the tyres were repaired he would return home some nights. Not at all. He did go and visit Mrs E and the dogs as soon as he could but not home. I was beginning to realise it was easier to stay here than return to his Pit. Or so I wondered. That seed was sown with that thought and then I wasn't sure that he wanted to be here because of me but because he was avoiding.
The whole blame of acceptance of people as they are and yet not being walked over has been highlighted to me. It's okay to work at accepting people as they are but where do I come into that Universe. Can you show me please? There was a lesson to be learnt about this but it's not yet clear to me what I have learnt. I feel guilty somewhat for finally cracking and ending the relationship even though I asked him the question "is this definitely over then?". He said yes and it's good that he will think he made that final decision although it will leave him angry with me. There is some dignity in it as it was all amidst a lot of anger. His pride will not let him contact me I feel certain but what about the money he owes me and my front door key. I would like that all back if at all possible. Universe I have to hand that over to you. Once again please show me what I need to do.

There was a comment made in the film the Life of Pi that I saw in 3D with M yesterday -"life is about letting go". I drove from Brighton to Chichester where M had very kindly looked after LouLou for me whilst I attended the Brighton FA meeting. Gosh was I glad to get there and be at the meeting. I wasn't sure what would happen afterwards as I rather hoped I could meet with my dad. However, he and I didn't make contact until later when he told me that he wouldn't be able to meet as he felt too unwell. I felt sad and relieved as I was fearing his anger at me not be available in the morning. But as the fear subsided and the relief too at being let off the hook for double booking the morning the hurt was there. I am scared. Afraid that he is dying and all the unsaid things and unfinished business. A lot of my excuse for staying away has been the fabrication of a sexually abusive childhood. There were things that happened but I've definitely exaggerated that and that's an awful thing to do. I have not admitted that before. There were indeed strange things that shouldn't have happened. The worst of them being when my mum was away and I was lying on the settee. He tickled my back and wanted to know where I felt twinges. Then he told me to turn over and he tickled my breasts ad got might close to the lower regions. I was horrified that I let him. I was only in early stages of developing breasts so I believe I was about 13. But I've exaggerated other things like the playing in the bath. I do remember fear of him turning me upside down to dry me and patting my fanny. And games of "touched your arse" and exhausting me by fighting with me. He was always aggressive and strict, super strict. How can I tell anyone that I've exaggerated this. I stayed away in the name of this but actually what was really happening was bad enough. His manner with me, he did used to spy on me, he did read letters and diaries and mock or taut me with them.
Anyone reading this will probably be horrified to know that I've exaggerated the excess of sexual abuse. I felt I had to to justify my hatred and fear of him. Yet what was really going on was horrible enough. He did always toy with other women. He was always rude to and about my mum. There was always arguments between them with him trying to control her. There was always a battle with me with him trying to control me. I was never good enough and he did disparage me continually directly to me or indirectly but in front me when other people where there. I never could live up to his expectations, he was always disappointed in me. And I started to fulfil that prophecy. I have never felt good enough or capable. Too at, too ugly, too thick, too clumsy, too everything negative.
The one thing he did for me directly was support my interest in horses and horse riding. I will always be grateful for that. We did at times have closeness. It was usually when I was agreeing with his bigoted views. He hated anyone and everyone but hated people even more if they were of a different creed or orientation or age or wealth/class or ethnic origin or anything really that was different from him. He admired money and education but would grow to hate those people too. No one ever could maintain his expectation and would eventually fall foul of his hatred.
He never liked anyway we lived or anything we did. He was always moaning about my mum. Yet he did support her career and her travelling.
He worked hard and provided. He was devastated by his business mistake. His perfectionism was challenged and his error evident to all. It left hi with a lot of debt. It was an error of judgement that's all but it crippled his pride.
It was a tumultuous childhood and I am a very sensitive person. Probably over sensitive. I didn't think things were bad enough to justify being such a fucked up person. And when I hear some people's stories like G's I had it really easy by comparison. I truly did. Yet still an addict and still blaming and excusing my bad behaviours because of my childhood. Phew I have a lot to answer for. I would like to make amends with my dad but first I have to get honest with my sponsor about the exaggeration. And then I have to not minimise the sexual abuse that was there. It was inappropriate. All the innuendo's they were endless ad embarrassing. He was always inappropriate with my childhood and later teen friends. And even later my grown up friends. It would revolt me. He was inappropriate with women in general. His rule to me was not to drop my knickers and yet he was inappropriately fiddling with me and sexually suggestive all the time. He used to spy through the door cracks on me. I was terrified of going to bed. These things were real. I mist not undermine them.
Phew. What could I say to my dad Universe? What do I need to do here.
I need to make my call to the AWOL now.

Okay made the call and enjoyed the AWOL. I shared almost at the beginning which was surprising for me. And I shared truthfully. It was about Blind Spots - the defects that we cannot yet see. I believe that life will bring awareness of the blind spots and all I have to do is show up for life and be honest. I have become so shocked at the amount of things and thoughts and feelings that go on and I don't talk to anyone about them. I believe that some of this will be a life of being an only child. I had lots of thoughts and conversations with myself. There was no one to share all this with and so I didn't it. It was absolutely the norm for me.  I want to learn to be totally open. That is going to take practice. I don't talk about things but not intentionally.

Anyway yet again I need to learn to let go. I feel immense sadness at the loss of the remarkable man G is. I am relieved not to have to deal with the things that were not pleasant to be around. It's not a criticism of him but things that i simply could not deal with. The other woman, the silences and moodiness, the sulks, the lack of trust in me. The anger levels and resentments that he didn't want to let go of. The grudges that I am no doubt one of now. The anger at the fellowship and judgements of people. Hatred for certain races. There were a number of things. Oh laziness of work and taking responsibility. These things were intolerable for me in the end. He knew that would happen. A self fulfilling prophecy was borne. I wanted to try and do things differently and with some things he didn't - resulting in the inevitable end as he predicted. His anger towards me saying that he didn't believe me about me and men was totally unfounded. After attending a meeting in Winchester he had decided that I was not trustworthy. I had talked to his friend, I had talked with a guy he had introduced me who had relapsed. He gave me silent treatment when we got home. I went to bed and then there were sulks int he morning. That was the final straw for me and after all the week of more and more contact with Mrs E etc I just did not want anymore of it. I asked him to leave he got angry and that was that. He left without giving me my key, without giving me £10 he had borrowed the evening before for tobacco and without shutting the door. That hurts! And without returning the £240 for the tyres that were slashed when he was first staying. I had written that off anyway but it leaves me very short and I cannot afford a washing machine. Silly me. (I think I've already written this)
Lots to learn. And that's the truth of it. Another experience that has shown me many things. I regret that I have lost what was pleasant connection before.

Insight will come out of these whirlwinds. God uses everything and doesn't waste anything. I believe both these statements to be true. In conversation with H, Melbourne Australia this was highlighted. My sponsor had already said that everything will become clear. And I read a weekend magazine earlier that also had a page saying that Everything will become clear. It will. I know.

Not to mention all the comments on the AWOL about how things will present themselves all in good time.
So I visited S and C whose house I will be sitting whilst they are away. I met R who is their foster child. She is 21 and soon to be moving on. She seems established an easily manageable. There is also P staying with them. He is in AA too but staying there without too many people knowing. I recall him now. G would have hated that idea. He wasn't keen on staying there. He agreed to but I feel sure that just as he did with Christmas and Boxing Day, agreed then found ways to do what he wanted anyway. Another thing about him, his unfriendliness towards people. How could I ever include him with my friends. I am a sociable person. It reminded me of my mum and dad. he was always moaning and created hell whenever my mum wanted to socialise. Oh it was so right to be out of that.

Life of Pi





While travelling on a boat from India to Canada, Pi (Sharma), his family and all the animals from their zoo are thrown to the sea in a terrible storm. Only Pi survives, drifting for weeks in a lifeboat with the dubious company of a vicious tiger as both fight for survival.
I would give it 3 out of 5. It was twee yet beautiful too. I loved the possibility of it all being a fabrication or analogy for humans trying to survive. The idea of a monster bringing out the monster in someone else interested me. Do I bring out the monster in people which brings out the monster in the other person and so on. I want to step away from my monster.

Cast Irrfan Khan Tabu Suraj Sharma Adil Hussain.

Directors Ang Lee.

Screenwriters David Magee.  Cutter's Way A film from 1981 Interestingly the film nearly got discarded. However some good reviews saved it's day. I gave it 3.75 - it's slightly dated. Cast Jeff Bridges John Heard Lisa Eichorn Ann Dusenberry Directors Ivan Passer Screenwriters Jeffrey Alan Fiskin Bliss XX

Crazy head

Oh my gosh! This is so vry difficult being in a relationsship with G. I'm glad that I went to the B's alone today. It would have been a worry for me if G had been there. I could just relax into being with them and at ease. I wasn't feeling 100% still. This flipping virus or whatever it is! I didn't go for a walk and instead fell asleep in front of the fire. It was lovely. I stoked it up and it flamed away warming me to the bones.
Then we had a game of Scrabble and I sent a message to G. Nothing. He has gone visiting with Mrs E again. I just can't handle this. What is it I can't handle though? He ssays he does not want Mrs E at all and yet he eants to be there. He prefers to be there actually. He says it's the dogs and the place itself. But then there is the contradiction that she is his friend. Unless she is drinking and then she is a nuisance. When he's there he cannot recive calls or texts from me. When he is here she texts he responds often. What is this thing? He is afraid he says of upsetting her because there is the chance she will withdraw the facility to visit the dogs and the place. Really he needs to make a choice. Or does he? If I was just accepting and less insecure and not jealous then wouldn't it all be okay? I defy anyuone to be perfectly at ease with this situation. And after all he gets suspicious of my interaction with men or so he says. I think I will simply have the contact freely and not try to be discreet in fear of upsetting him. I have nothing to hide.
I became very agitated when arranging to leave the B's so that I could be hiome as prescribed - around 6 ish. But there was no response and no facility to call G as his phone went straight to answer machine. Then I started wondering if he migt go to the Wed Haslemere meeting which had been a possibility for me. I thought he might be going with Mrs E. Well my imagination fired up in that way I was geting madder by the minute. I hate this feeling of neediness and suspicion. I want it to go away please Universe. What do I do? Do I end this to save myself from going crazy? I am happier on my own I think. Or am I?
The thing is I don't like all of G. He's very shy of work and therefore has little or no money. He is unenthused for anything very much other than walking or visiting the Castle of Mrs E as they call it.
He is creative in so many ways and yet uses none of the amazing qualities he has fully. He uses them I guess just as much as he feels he wants to. But it's really not going places for me. I am feeling bored. Not with him but with myself. I am not doing the things I enjoy doing in favour of spending time with him.
I'm going around in circles.
So what do I do? I need to speak to more people about it. I certainly need some time for myself. This means having that conversation with him. It's flippping frigtening having to be frank about these things.
I need to do more talking and will do with my sponsor in the morning.
It would be sensible to not be spending so much time with him. Then I will also find out if this has just been better than the Pit. Tha's his name for his flat which he describes as disgusting.
I really do want for him to be content with life and to have happy days. But that is only so much easier when I'm not attached in any way.
So I'm so full of confusion there is nothing really more to write.
I'm watching The Importance of Being Earnest. A comedy by Oscar Wilde which of course anyone even half well read would already know. I am very uneducated. A good Victorian play of mistaken identity that also eludes to hidden identities such as in Twelfth Night. I suppose nothing is ever entirely a novel idea. Anyhow this is quite amusing and good to watch a film made. I wish I was a more avid reader. I'm laxy about reading.

Cast Rupert Everett Colin Firth Reese Witherspoon Judi Dench Frances O'Connor

Directors Oliver Parker

Empire gave it 3 stars. I would tend to agree. It's not great but watchable and entertaining.

Yesterday evening I watched an enchanting film called Stardust. It was amusing but not a great.

Cast Robert De Niro Michelle Pfeiffer Claire Danes Charlie Cox Sienna Miller Mark Strong

Directors Matthew Vaughn