Sunday, 3 February 2013

My dad died

He died late last night. He was decalred dead at 10 minutes past mindnight. I received a call from T telling me so. She sounded dreadfula dn said she was so sorry. I do find it diifuclt tolerating her rather dramatic sounding sorrow.
I saw his body in eht chapel of rest today. It was odd. At first I was nevreous to setep into this little room. He doesn't have a coffin yet as apparently he wanted a wicker coffin and that has to be ordered in. I find that strange and just ow little I knew him if that's the case.
I was afraid he would jump up and tell me off. The weirdest thing came over me - to take a photo. And I did. That is just a peculiar thing to do. Now if he was alive he would be absolutely horrified because he was terrified odf death. Terrified of being disrespectful.
I somehow can't believe he's dead. And that will hep remind me. I am not sure if I'll keep it or not.
He can no onger actually be cross with me and say horrid tings to me. He cannot spread aspersions about me anymore.
All I have to do now is get the messages from my belief system. The core beliefs and thoughts will not be reinforced by him anymore. Only I can actually do that so that means I can unpick the issues too.
Very soon I will no longer have to have anything to do with T either. I will perhaps keep in contact with D her eldest daughter and see what happens there.
I am so very grateful to G for being there the entire weekend. I just felt so much relief not to be entirely alone.
Yesterday was particularly difficult. There were times when I was raging and screaming inside. I wanted to scream "what about me" when she determinedly didn't introduce me to the vicar. She introduced everyone else and looked a time. Her daughter introduced me. She is not a nice lady, cruel and unkind.
I wondered as I looked at my dad dying body what it's all been about.
It was painful to as JH sat talking about what an amazing soldier he was. Some of it I had never believed. Perhaps it was true. And then when people talk about what a lovely man he's been. What about all the horrible parts my mum and I endured. I know my mum adored him. But he's created a different persona I think in his new life. And that excluded me entirely.
I am hurt and sad. Time to heal perhaps. The Universe is really my parent.

Bliss
XX

Friday, 1 February 2013

Fiery Rage

Last night I didn't know what to do with my fury. This morning I feel calm and relieved.
One moment I felt numb and wondered what all the drama was about and the next I was raging and stomring both mentally and physically. These ewere emotions I would once have driven at dangerously fast speeds into London grabbing any friend I could convnice to "party" with me. I would drink and rug and flirt dangrously with a man or men never rally knowing what might happen. I had no other way of venting and didn't even lknow then that I was raging.
Last night I thought about that or food or anything to get away from the enormity of the feelings.
What had happened? Well With great courage I called T to say that I'd like to visit my dad the next day. I was fearful and hesitated several times before being able to find the courage to call. Afraid of a reaction and then that becoming a big deal and upsetting my dad who is bloody well dying. Sure enoug she sounded sramatic, lots of gasps of air and sigs. Saying Please Pamela not tomorrow. I was shocked and said OK. I was angry but acceptant. But then her daughter D called and explained that my dad had quite a horrible return to the house just that afternoon. Of course this morning I can understand more clearly that T is probably realising that he is actually dying when she sounded before to be in completel denial, saying that he was perking up and when he got home all would be well. NOw she has all this equipment everywhere, a hospital bed downstaiors and strange nurses will be coming and going. He is very very unwell. So I understand the need to adjust. But at the same time she is quite mean wanting to keep me out of the loop and not visit.
D explained that my dad is not eating or drinking again and is in quite a lot of discomfort. Perhaps today he may feel more settled, who knows. But D suh=ggested I definitely visit whatever her mother says. I think people know what T is like. I WILL visit whether she and he want or not. I will not stay long and I won't cause a fuss. I will do my hurting outside of their presence. A I do not wat to give them any more fodder for their unjyust feelings towards me. I an understand that T has probably been fed with all sorts of negativity about me. B I want to be as gracious as I can be.
G is not the person to share my anger with  but I can hopefully share my hurt and the sorrow I feel as I see my pitiful father.
I am abstinent with my food. Drink is a passing thought of course. But destructive thoughts are still very powerful. I did none of these things. I texted furiously to a small number of trusted friends. None of whom tried to fix but could hear my emotions and gave beuatiful suggestions back
I distracted through FB for a while when I had considered breifly a spell on SL. Now that's destructive for me.
I texted a few unnecessaries as well but that's okay. It wasn't risque texts - straight talking.
And then I went to sleep. I woke int he early hours but this is happening as per a pattern recently. I am clumsier than usual too and forgetful, not really seeing things clearly. I think this is a mix of hormonal shifts as well as the worries ad sadness and death of my dad.
I am furious of course that she T will inherit anything at all that was my mums. And in turn her duaghters will inherit. They are benefitting because of my mum. How fucking unjust!!
I have to let go. I just have to find acceptance about this.

So amazing. I was aware. I didn;t want to fuel the rage as I think G would have me do. He is so pent up with his own rages that he cannot see why i wouldn't want to be myself. He wants to use that rage to make his point and get justice. It doesn't work that way for me. I want to step away from the rage. Show up and make my point with grace and love in my heart. It is unjust but it will not be any better by screaming and shouting. I might get my way but with bad feelings all round. That is not winning.
I really believe this more and more and can challenge the idea that I'm neing walked all over. I am not. I can scream and shout. I have in the past but this is a choice not to. Instead it means that others seem as if they get their way. They do and it can seem unfair but I can learn to be gracious and trust that justice is done at a higher level than I can ever understand.
I love and trust this is correct for me.
Thank you Universe and thank you for all the wonderful people in my life today and every day so far of my life.
Bliss
XXX

Ida's Dead Eyes in the Mountains

Augustus John's first wife came to accept his affair with Dorelia. Apparently she said "men must play and women must weep". Her photo does not to me reflect accetpance to me.. She looks dead in the eyes or was that the photography process, the long sitting? Am I just projecting my insecurity onto her thoughts? Or is she displaying the weeping she talks of, the pain in my heart surely shows in my eyes. Can I learnt o accept that every man I know and have known is not content with one woman?
M is related to him somehow and I'm jelaous of that. Her art connections and celebrity status. Isn't that silly. It makes me yet again a nobody yet again comapred to a somebody, through connection to a real somebody.
I would like to move away from such jealousy and insted be comfortable being the person I am. I don't like the seeming arrogance that seeps through when people are claiming their somebody status through such connections. Some people name drop all the time. It's irritting but also expresses some sense of a lacking in self and a need for importance as a result. Even if it's secondhand. This is ego. And even more irrituating are those people wo are fooled by status. I can be on of them displayed through my very jealousy. Ugh so complex being human. So much work involved in seeing it ll for what it is and trying to get back to the reality of the moment,
Augustus John was an iportant artist of england in the early 1900's. An amazing draughtsman so they say. An artisit skilled in detailed drawings. I like his portraits.
Influenced by Innes, a man who seems to have used influences from imprssion to pre-empt the arrival of the post impressionists. And Innes was in turn enthused by Matisse and fauvism. John and Innes were not convinced that art was not a vehicle for good draughtsmanship. I think I can see the ways in which moving out of conventional reproduction feels more creative. I can see what I see and maybe even attempt at copying it. Technically this is a talent I suppose. But to convey creative ideas using art as the vehicle. Now this is another matter all together.
Influenced by fauvism is suddenly a way to reflect what the feelings are not simply what's being seen. Some people do not like this I suppose, they want to be awed, is that a word?, by like-ism. I made that up. But I want to create what I feel. And sometimes I don't know how to put it into words. I can see feeling though in like-isms too.
In fact was Munch influenced by Fauvism? His paintings often seem to reflect feelings rather than like-ism. I remember the fallen tree painted in yellow specifically. I liked it for its perspective and colour but only when someone else had pointed that out to me.
Innes and John spent time in Wales - drinking. JOhn was a ealthy celebrity in the prime of his life befireding Innes completely unknown and much younger. Despie this John painted him with a "cadaverous cast of features". What a lovely turn of phrase from the BBC4 documentary which inspired me. Hence writing this information gleaned from it.

 




Henri Mattise and fauvism

 



 

James D Innes



  Arenig, Snowdonia North Wales




John called Innes an intellectual virgin. Innes had a direct connection with the landscape. And John picked out qualities in his portraits.

Perhaps they paved the way deviating from constraints of British rigidity.

Augustus had many lovers; Euphemia Lamb, social butterfly. Eccentric and an adventurous spirit, she irresistibly beautiful. She wasn't an exclusive sort and Innes became more impotant in her life. It wasn't believed John and Innes were rivals in this affair. It reminds me of being in a relationship with CO when married to DM. They both knew. I think there was rivalry with CO but DM was too lapsidasical and probably more concerned with being free to drink and gamble. Perhaps he was just less possessive. I think so. If only that could have remained but I was still too needy and wanting conventionl I think. It was painful but intriguing and fun all at the same time. What an adventure of a life I've had. If only I wasn't so insecure.

Euphemia


 by Augustus John

She resembles J I think. I was jealous of J's looks. Something qite stunning about her. If she didn;t go into her fairy tale romaticism. That just wasn't for me. How judgemental. Well I was, I found it irritating but that doesn't mean it was wrong. I don't make a judgement in that way. We were destined to move on from each other. I am still sad about that though.

John lived with the gypsy's. Doing what he deamed of as a child. I dream of travelling. Places less touched by westerners. Exploring and keeping moving. Yet I crave security too. I wonder if I can have faith in the freedom.

JOhn said "certainly I have an interest in women ... in beauty. If it's beauty it's love, in my case"
He also said " as an artist you've got to get excited about something before you can do anything and beauty is an excitant".
Now that's interesting. I get intrigued and that is an inspiratoin to do something. But curiosity ad an attraction to things that glitter can also be a danger. I think they can create the desire for more. Recongise the addictive cycle starting. It only excitment is the motivator then it's out of balance. There's a need for self discipline otherwise other things that matter get left to drift away. Beauty can be blurred or fade in the cold light of reality.

Painting all fairly cursory he paints bushes and sheeps as dashes and dots.
His scenery was secondary to his portraits but encompassed in the same painting. I wonder if he had an affair with Tabullah?
1-tallulah1

Innes contracted tuberculosis and was dying. His relationship with Eupemia was dying at the same time.
He kept on painting until he could paint no more. John outlived Innes by a further 46 years. JD Innes was 27 when he died. Living a life of recless dissipation, drinking too much. He died without a fading reputation just very young. John continued to fly the Welsh flag. He abandoned landscapes and instead was a ortrait painter for the stars. He said he had a "fishy reputation as a painter because I'm out of date". Innes was his inspiration. When working together they almost created a school of their own. They were not in cometition but brought together different strengths. They were in harmony with their different talents. I wonder if was actually like that.
Rebecca John says she prefers INnes' interpretations more decorative and more fantastical and more appealing paintings. Not so real compared with John's like-isms.
Intresting. She had said earlier that she wished she had known a younger not so grumpy grandfather. I wonder if there is some histoiry of resentment or if she really does prefer Innes' work.




An article in an old Guardian. I wish I'd been intersted at that time to get to the exhibition. And recently I missed an exhibition in Chichester. Pity.

Drawing together

He was the bewitching bohemian to her secretive introvert; he the toast of the art world and she the talented recluse. But as the Tate's forthcoming retrospective reveals, the paintings of brother and sister Augustus and Gwen John are opposites which attract. By Tim Adams
  •             
Exactly 100 years ago, in the summer of 1904, there was, it would be fair to say, a good deal going on in the lives of the brilliant young Welsh artists Gwen John and her brother Augustus.
The pair - he, loud and passionate; she, spirited and self-contained, two years his elder - had grown up together famously unruly on the beaches and cliffs of Pembrokeshire. They lost their mother early in their childhood and, to escape the attentions of maiden aunts, had educated themselves in nature, peered over the shoulders of weekend artists to observe 'the mystery of painting', and learnt portraiture by sketching each other obsessively.
Both won places at the Slade School of Fine Art in London, where Augustus, in particular, had been hailed as a draughtsman of genius. They had then, at the turn of the century, drifted into a life of easy bohemianism in the capital, sharing friends and houses, painting portraits and establishing themselves at the heart of the avant-garde. After the summer of 1904, however, their lives, and their art, began to diverge in extreme ways.
It had begun the previous year when, at a gallery opening in Holborn, Augustus had met a young art student called Dorelia McNeill. Augustus, then 25, was already married to a fellow student from the Slade, Ida Nettleship. They had one son, and another on the way. From the moment he saw Dorelia, however, he fell hopelessly in love. He persuaded her to pose for him as a model, went out with his wife and sister to choose exotic clothes for her to wear while he sketched her, and began the relationship in which she became his muse, his lover and his obsession.
Gwen, perhaps fearing where her brother's affair might lead, persuaded Dorelia to accompany her on a 'walk to Rome', which would have the effect of easing some of the tensions at home, and would allow her, too, to paint the bewitching model. The pair had set off by boat to Bordeaux and followed the Garonne to Toulouse, sleeping on the river bank, trading portraits for food, pursued all the while by Augustus's letters, pleading with them to return to London. Eventually, in the spring of 1904, Gwen and Dorelia abandoned their original trip and went to Paris.
As a younger girl, Gwen had described herself as 'shy as a sheep', but now, at 27, she felt 'amorous and proud'. In this spirit, and looking for work, she went to knock on the door of Auguste Rodin, the most famous artist in the city, to offer herself as a model. By the end of the summer of 1904, Gwen was posing for the sculptor every week. She had also fallen into a love affair with him that was to define much of the remainder of her life. Rodin was 63 and in letters of the autumn Gwen would describe to him how she was the 'happiest woman in the world' and how 'all my days are so delicious when I pose in the mornings and it's sunny and I know you [Rodin] are coming later'.
Augustus, meanwhile, who was already becoming known as the outstanding young artist in London, had by September 1904 persuaded Dorelia back to London. In part, this was spurred by his wife Ida, who wrote to Dorelia offering her 'wonderful concubinage'. The three of them, along with Ida and Augustus's two sons, then established the infamous consensual household they had imagined. Augustus had waited for Dorelia impatiently as she adventured with his sister, and he now took to drawing and painting her obsessively. In his letters to her while she was in France, he had complained that, 'You sit in the nude for these devilish foreign people, but you do not want to sit for me when I asked you.' This was a problem quickly rectified. Later that year, Dorelia became pregnant by Augustus and ,the following summer, had her first child, the wonderfully named Pyramus, while in a caravan on Dartmoor.
Back in Paris, Gwen, besotted with Rodin, was busy reinventing herself, perhaps in order to please her mentor, as a more rigorous, less carefree woman. With his encouragement she devoted herself to her painting, and began to develop the bleached palette that came to characterise her work. She remained frustrated in her desire to become Rodin's wife, however, and, when he died in 1917, her artistic habits became entrenched in grief, and in her newfound Catholic faith. She became reclusive in a village outside the city, painting the same scenes over and over again: self-portraits and interiors, a series of studies of the nuns at her local convent, pictures of solitary cats and of a convalescent neighbour. She developed her own unique method of painting, mixing chalk and plaster with her oils, building up fragile layers which lent her work its almost supernatural stillness.
Augustus, meanwhile, found him-self surrounded by an ever-increasing brood of children and an ever-expanding band of society admirers. He dressed with flamboyance in purple silk shirts and gypsy earrings and big hats; he painted travellers and learnt Romany, spending a lot of time in the south of France, visiting Picasso in his studio and sharing his home with his wife and lover and their children. After the death of Ida, in childbirth with their fifth son in 1907, Augustus lived with Dorelia, who continued to be his idealised model, as well as mother to his seven sons and two daughters. (Other children and more clandestine mothers emerged only later, to leave the final count of Augustus's offspring at 13.)
Though they never wholly forgot their early familial bond, Augustus and Gwen thus became more singular and detached from one another as the years passed. After the First World War, they were living very different lives, and painting very different pictures. For some of these reasons, it is now nearly 80 years since they have shared an exhibition space, which had been a habit of their early years. That fact, however, will change next month when Tate Britain puts brother and sister back together in a major retrospective.
The staging of the new show, which aims to cast fresh light on the shared inspiration and contrasting characters of the two artists, was in part the idea of the biographer Michael Holroyd, whose book on Augustus first exposed the detail of the painter's crowded romantic life. When Tate Modern and Tate Britain divided, Holroyd saw there might be a chance to reappraise Gwen and Augustus's work, and wrote to Tate director Sir Nicholas Serota to suggest it.
In a perverse way you could see this as a payment of dues. Holroyd's book, published in 1974, and revised in 1996, seemed effectively to shut down critical interest in Augustus's work: the dramatic life of the artist came wholly to overshadow the painting, completing a process that had begun in his lifetime. Augustus was subsequently written out of many art histories of the 20th century, while Gwen's reputation, as she was claimed by feminist writers, only grew.
Holroyd believes that the ebb and flow of their fortunes was in part a backlash against the imbalance of the notice they received while alive. Augustus, the archetypal artist-bohemian, was a national monument, never out of the papers and, according to one critic in 1914, 'the most famous artist in the world'. His sister, despite a strong critical reception, was virtually unknown. 'After both their deaths there was a feeling that Augustus had had all the attention while his sister had had none,' Holroyd suggests. 'That by the sheer force of his personality he had made her invisible. The many subsequent books about her have tended to make her a victim. This perception was actually a little false to the lives they both had, but it stuck.'
Augustus himself had started to feel the beginning of this trend after Gwen's death in 1939. In a letter of 1952, he wrote to correct an essay by a friend on the work of his sister: 'With our common contempt for sentimentality, Gwen and I were not opposites,' he insisted, 'but much the same really, but we took a different attitude. I am rarely exuberant. She was always so; latterly in a tragic way ... She was never "unnoticed" by those who had access to her.'
Despite these protestations, the caricature became fixed. In part, Augustus John's reputation was a casualty of his longevity. He continued to paint up until his death in 1961, by which time he was beached as a Romantic portrait painter in a world of resolute abstraction. Holroyd believes - 'strictly as an academic historian, obviously' - that Augustus lived too long, perhaps even 40 years too long. Had he died after the portrait of Thomas Hardy [1924], or even after that of Dylan Thomas [1936] 'he would have died with a reputation that would only have grown when we imagined what he would have gone on to achieve. He was above all a youthful lyrical artist,' Holroyd says, 'and that attitude does not age well.'
Oddly, given he was such a man of action, it was the Great War that undermined Augustus John as a painter. It seems to have left him unsure. In the years leading up to the war he was a creator of effortless figures in landscapes on small wooden panels, flooded with light and colour. At the time, his paintings were criticised for lacking drama, or a story, or for being just groups of static figures in space. 'In fact those paintings were about the absence of anecdote,' Holroyd suggests, and in this sense were ahead of their time. 'But style no longer seem-ed relevant to him after the war. And then he became a portrait painter, and quite a hit-or-miss one, at that.'
Gwen's career was the reverse. She felt her way toward her mature style, which offered something like the opposite of sensation. You could easily walk past her paintings, but once you looked they drew you in. They were similar to Augustus's in one respect, however: she also avoided story. 'Her paintings have the feeling of life being in the past,' Holroyd says. 'While his are all about possibility. He is before the action, before the curtain comes up, she is afterwards, once the theatre has emptied.'
When Holroyd began to work on his biography, he was fortunate to discover an ally in Dorelia, still alive in her eighties and living at the home she had shared with Augustus, Fryern Court at Fordingbridge. She persuaded his far-flung children - legitimate and otherwise - to co-operate. Still, Holroyd says, keeping all sides of the family on board was a major enterprise. 'That was the book that did most to increase my diplomatic skills.'
The current keepers of the flames of Augustus and Gwen are their grandchildren. The Tate exhibition has been shaped in part by Rebecca John, daughter of Caspar John - the late First Admiral of the Fleet - and granddaughter of Augustus and Ida. Now in her fifties, Rebecca lives in a top-floor flat in Covent Garden, and is herself an exquisite watercolourist.
One of the things she hopes the show will do is debunk the myth that there was great rivalry between the siblings. 'Augustus always felt protective toward Gwen,' she says. 'He gave her money. He introduced her to John Quinn, the great American collector, who supported her work. Augustus was a very generous man.'
She believes the exhibition will provide powerful evidence of their particular gifts. 'He outshines her completely as a draughtsman. Her drawing is extremely tentative. As in life, he just jumped straight in and did it with wonderful stark slashes of line. They were opposites in every way. He lived on the wing, and worked outdoors a lot of the time. She painted these extraordinary empty interiors. Their very Christian names seemed to set the agenda: Gwen is Welsh for white, the absence of colour. Augustus evokes gold.'
Her grandfather was 'very maddened', Rebecca believes, by the fact that Gwen bequeathed all her work to Edwin, his third son. Gwen had seen a lot of Edwin in Paris in her later life. He had been a boxer and she disapproved; she persuaded him to make an unusual career change and become a watercolourist.
In later life Edwin became very protective of Gwen's legacy. His daughter, Sara, who now lives in the Black Mountains, recalls how her father kept all Gwen's work 'very close to his heart. Augustus and my father discussed things and clouds would form over Fryern Court. They both fought over whether a book should be written about Gwen, that there should be exhibitions,' Sara says. Her father resisted much of that. As it was, the silence and mystery about Gwen, Rebecca believes, worked in her favour. 'When, on the death of Edwin, the estate was taken over by the dealer Anthony d'Offay,' she says, 'he knew just how to bring Gwen to a new audience. And the feminists swooped. It was such a beautiful scenario. Here she was, the quiet sister of this monstrous male ego who lived with two women and who had numerous children, taking herself off to Paris and living this secretive artistic life.'
Rebecca remembers her grandfather well in old age and is not convinced of that judgment. 'As a young man,' she says, showing me some photographs of Augustus wading in a river in his twenties, 'he was incredibly handsome, devastating. And he had a powerful effect on every woman who met him. They wanted him. But in retrospect he gets the blame, of course. One ridiculous story came from Caitlin Thomas [wife of Dylan] about being raped by him. Caitlin Thomas was a well-known bitch and fantasist.'
In a sense, Rebecca John believes that her grandfather has been a victim of the taste for obscurity in art. 'My own theory is that art today has to be incomprehensible. So Augustus is far too straightforward. You can't intellectualise with Augustus. He hated intellectuals. The fact is with him you have a beautiful figure, or a perfect line, or wonderful colour and that's it. I hear it about Augustus: "Oh he could draw as well as anyone in the world, but so what?"'
Champions of Gwen's work, by contrast, such as critic Lisa Tickner, see her painting as coming 'as close as perhaps an image can do to picturing consciousness'. No one has cracked the code of her colour and art historians love that repressed mystery. 'She was so profoundly deliberate,' Rebecca says. 'Augustus was anything but deliberate. He dashed things off, he had no attention span.'
All the grandchildren I speak to recall the trepidation they had at sitting for their grandfather as models. Anna John, daughter of Augustus's first son, David, remembers her summers at Fryern Court well. 'We would go down there for the holidays. He did not dandle us on his knee. He would sit at the far end of the table and we were supposed to entertain him so, of course, we used to fight to sit as far away as possible. I sat for him as a model a few times. He stamped and smoked and grunted all the while, paced about and insisted that you kept still. It was rather terrifying. Dodo [Dorelia] used to send one of us down to get him from his studio in the garden for lunchtime and you would knock on the door with great alarm at disturbing him from his work, and he would let out this tremendous shout.'
Rebecca recalls her grandfather's look. 'Everyone felt his glare. He was very deaf at the end of his life, so it was difficult to have a conversation with him. My father always used to say that by the time they got on, Augustus was so deaf that everything had to be shouted at him. He used to like the grandchildren to talk to him, though, but mostly that required too much courage for me. The only time I did pluck up the courage was when he asked me a booming question. One time it must have been about school, because all I can remember is that I said I was learning Latin. And he was rather impressed with that.'
Dorelia's strength of personality matched that of Augustus. 'You would never forget her,' Rebecca says. 'His drawings give you the wrong impression. She was not dreamy and limp-wristed. A lot of the figure drawings are very pre-Raphaelite, an attempt to idealise her. I knew her in old age, but I do not think she had changed dramatically. She was short in conversation, quite snappy, very down-to-earth, and she had a lovely little low giggle. Very, very alive.'
Sara John puts this more succinctly: 'She was absolutely wonderful,' she says, of one of the great artistic muses of the 20th century. 'But she wasn't a granny to knit you a pair of socks.'
Growing up, the grandchildren knew only the sketchiest outline of their grandparents' colourful past. 'Until Michael Holroyd wrote the biography, we did not know anything really,' Rebecca says. 'The book changed the life of the family. We had to read it to discover our history.'
The aspect of their legacy they did know about, though, was Augustus's once-great artistic reputation. Many of numerous grandchildren went to art college, but all laboured under the name they had inherited. Anna John, who subsequently married cartoonist John Glashan, went to St Martin's to do fine art, but: 'bearing this name for five years. Augustus was in the papers all the time. The bohemian lifestyle, as well as the work. Though it felt natural for me to draw, it was all rather impossible.' It has taken Rebecca, too, nearly all her life to realise the talent she feels she inherited. 'I studied jewellery design,' she says, 'but I was always happier with paper and pencil than blowtorch and metal. I liked the fine detail of leaves and shells, so I loved to draw, but I had a problem and that was my grandfather. In our family it was not considered wise to draw.'
Putting Gwen and Augustus together, she believes, is a 'bold' move on the part of the Tate. Curator David Fraser Jenkins has addressed this by concentrating on what the siblings had in common: what he describes as their shared 'outsiderliness' and a mutual need to escape. Holroyd likes to think of the show as an opportunity to look down both ends of a telescope at once: Augustus intent on making things larger than life, Gwen concentrating and distancing. Both painters seemed to have realised much the same thing. Augustus wrote of his sister in 1942 as the 'greatest woman artist of her age, or, as I think, of any other'. He predicted that 'In 50 years' time I will be known as the brother of Gwen John.' That his prophecy has all but come true, and that it would be his own reputation that was now seen in need of repair would perhaps have amused him. He would, in any case, after all these years, have enjoyed the prospect of equal billing.
· Gwen and Augustus John is at Tate Britain, London, from 29 September 2004 to 9 January 2005; Augustus John, Masterworks from Private Collections 1900-1920, Hazlitt Holland-Hibbert Gallery, 38 Bury Street, London SW1 (020 7839 7600) from 29 September to 29 October
 

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Where does all the dignity go?

I'm so uncertain about everything and anything. I'm not sure that I want to carry on in the field of work I am in. It seems to me that I'm playing at it. But then again I've always felt as if I'm laying at whatever I have done, not truly professional or know what I'm doing. Always waiting to be discovered as a fraud.
I don't like where I'm living yet terribly grateful for it. Generally it's a quiet flat in a quiet village. I have a lot of space for one person by todays standards and at reasonable rent. I am not enjoying living hee though and never have really. I am grateful, very grateful indeed. But it's never felt like home. Then again nowhere ever has, apart from maybe S cott, Chawton.
I don't want to go to work - every morning. I hate making sales calls. I am pretty absent minded right now. Not surprised with so many preoccupations - my dad, Step 4, G and my insecurities and jealousies. Not happy anywhere pr with anything. I feel trapped. I feel like fleeing.
Hating some of the rigidity of FA although love the recovery and freedom from food.
I have spoken with T, my dad's wife twice. Saturday on the way back from London after a day of interesting lectures organised by the psychological society. All about criminal behaviour. Fascinating - risk assessment and modelling the mind of terrorists - basically you can't. The neurology of the psychopath and other criminals. Forensics but to be honest I'm not really sure of anything he said other than whatever group idea there is be prepared to have singular ideas. Too many people can investigate in one direction because it's the group though without checking the details - and miss important things. And finally Sex and aggression. All so very interesting.
I called T and she was not forthcoming. I suppose just about on a tip edge of politeness. It is hurtful and infuriating but I have decided to make the calls anyway. I called again this evening and it was the same. She gave nothing away other than my dad is seeming fine. Fucking hell he's dying how can he seem fine. And she said he's going home tomorrow instead of today. I didn't ask what the delay had been. She seems in total denial that he's dying as on Saturday she said he'll be fine once he gets home. I think she's bloody well killing him,
I don't mean that but they have been refusing help and I'm sure that's not been useful. For either of them. I feel for her as she loves him even though I hate that fact.
I feel very mixed up. Sometimes there are no feelings at all. I think it could be a numbness and other times a complete detachment from the feelings. Other times I feel angry. And that comes out in all directions, At T. At my dad. At death itself and the indignity of it for my dad. He was pitiful when I saw him on Friday. he has a sore tongue and a fungus on his tongue that makes it incredibly painful to eat or drink anything at all. He was nearly in tears and said so. He was gingerly grabbing at his bed. He couldn't really do that he is so frail. His arms are so tiny. He is so tiny. What happened to my dad. The big gruff man. It's so horrid to see him like that. The man has been taken away. Why is death so cruel? Why does a person have to lose all dignity?
And yet he still told me off. The fiery look in his eye. It hurts so deeply. Even in the final hours days weeks he still cannot just accept me or see me. I thought I was disturbing the consultant when it was the consultant who was doing all the talking. I just don't know why he hates me so much.
What the hell God??
I am horrified that even at this time there is nothing changing. I suppose I live in hope ad the slightest sign of anything is so gratefully received. Yet it's not acceptable. Why the hell cannot I not let go. I am more acceptant I suppose. And as for T .... she is a baffling conundrum of nastiness really. But then the neighbours also implied this and so it's a relief to know I'm not the only one where she is concerned. With my dad it seems that he can be horrible to me and yet is lovely to all and sundry. it's always been this way. He would sort of dump mum and I in favour of other people. They always got the niceness and attention and we were given the shit.
I have this horrible feeling of his spirit being able to see right into me when he dies. it repulses me. I want to be cleansed out and then made into someone else so that he cannot find me.
I link this with the times when he would spy on me or read my diaries or similar. A letter once. And then he would let me know by quoting from them - taunting or telling me something he'd seen me do. It sickens me. It's bad enough as it is yet I don;t think it's bad enough compared with the extent of the feelings I have for the past. That's bizarre. I still can't accept how I feel about the past for what it is. I think it should be worse. and I've just been over sensitive.
I feel as if I cannot cope with my emotions. I feel over loaded and overwhelmed. I want away from them. Yet I do not want to lose my abstinence.
Last week whilst shopping, I really had strong words in my head to fuck it. yet I so don;t want. It's a really odd battle of the same mind. Just goes to show how neurons firing from different parts of the brain can be in conscious conflict.
AB's birthday followed the London. I'm proud of myself for going along and not running straight back to G. And this weekend coming I am going to Brighton to deliver my Step 5 with my sponsor. He is busy Thursday even now and Friday and Saturday I need some study time as well as hoping to visit my dad Fri afternoon. I have offered not to go to the Fri meeting. Although really I would like to go but this is about compromise to see my - what is he? Boyfriend? Partner? What?
I don;t like the situation one bit. His ongoing "friendship" with D. And the strangeness of it all. And then at other times I think well he has few friends so why not? It's upto me to step aside from jealousy and insecurity. It's a great focus away from all other feelings. And the heightened insecurity I currently feel a]can turn into anger with him. I can be stroppy and goading - leading questions about women and then it adds to my insecurity and in turn the attitude towards G and so on. Ugh! It's so tiring, boring, ugly. Please Universe help me to stop this pattern. Only then can I find out if I really like him or not.

I'm tired now. Gorra get to sleep.

Mighty night
Bliss
XX
 

Friday, 25 January 2013

Dad

My dad is critically ill. At first it was water retention, then a fracture in his backbone was discovered after falling sometime a few months ago helping T. I'm annoyed with T and with them both for refusing the care help they were offered. I wonder if she hadn't fallen and he hadn't had to try and help he wouldn't have fallen and now wouldn't have Cancer. yes there is a large shadow behind his rib cage. He is too rail and unwell for them to do a biopsy. hey say it's not good but because they hadn't done a biopsy wouldn't say for certain it was Cancer. Now I think following a scan they have confirmed this. He is being returned home with care as there is no treatment now he can take. He is going home to die. My dad! I never thought he would die before me. I sort of believed the quip I have often made that he would outlive me. I said it believing it and also angry about it.
I hate my vulture-like thinking. It goes like this. "Get on with the dying then and lets see how much you've left me" Then I start thinking about how much it will be and what I'll do with it. In my thoughts I get cross as I reduce the amount. I think I over estimate how much he has anyway. And then I get angry because he's surely going to leave the house to her and she'll get the lot and then her daughters will get it. That's my mums money!!!!! Will I have the balls to contest the will? I bloody hope so. Will I win. Who knows. My mum has been dead now since 2001 - over 11 years. Bloody hell I miss her every day.
Other thoughts are the disgust I feel that if say there is a Heaven and spirit my dad will be able to see right into me. How repulsed I feel. He used to spy on me through the cracks in the door when I was undressing or in the bath. Vile. And he used to read my diaries and things like that. Everything was in his control and it makes me feel sick thinking of it. So if there is a spirit world that can see straight through us it makes me cringe at the thought that his spirit will see me. I want to be cleansed of every thought and every inch of me. Cleansed from the inside out and become someone else completely. Not exist as me anymore.
I think this contributes to the feeling of wanting to sell everything and fuck off. Where to and how I have no idea. I just do not want what I have. I have to stay still and if this thought is still there in 6 months then I need to prepare to go. Take the risk. I am sick and tired of being crimped by my fear. fear of not having enough or being out in the cold. Fear of old age with nothing.Who the fuck cares.
I am angry. Angry with T. The other day calling her I added the comment that I was glad he allowed me to see him. She then went into a retort about how she has never stopped him from seeing me in fact the opposite. She said she had never said a bad word against me except questioning why I don't contact him, send a birthday card or Christmas card. She went on and on, I listened. G was irritated that I said nothing. But I am glad I didn't It would only worsen things by entering into the affray. Instead I was raging afterwards. The injustice!! She keeps saying she doesn't know why it is like it is. My mum used to wonder why too. They have no fucking idea. He abused me sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. Oh and spiritually. It wasn't the worst on a grad scale of things but it's affected me all my life. He knows. Surely he does. But he just can't deem himself to talk to me or see me or even like me a little. Is this his guilt? I don't actually think it is. I truly believe he believes his speel as I believe mine.
It's been a vile life with him. Always fighting and for what? I have done lots of things that I would rather not have done. Yes lots of men, stupid decisions, running from responsibility, getting into messes. I took those to his door. I wonder how much the childhood did or didn't influence my condition of disarray with life. I have always felt at odds with the world and everything in it.
I used to think I wasn't my parents child. I look like my mum sound like her too. I look like my dad. And what's worse is that I am a liar like my dad. An embezzler of the truth, an exaggerator, a secret squirrel. I hate taking ownership for things I've done wrong. Please Universe, please remove this deect of character from me. And give me tolerance and discernment and diplomacy. Please Universe help me with this.
The spilling of food by my friend on the chair at work. I just was so scared to tell peter. I am sure he wouldn't have gone too crazy but so what if he did. I didn't do it for one, it was an accident more importantly.
Oh it's lunch time - no studying or accreditation done but some admin things have been sorted. Things that could bring in a little money or help with the year ahead with savings at Uni.
Some achievement. And G is on his way offering to come to the hospital with me whilst I visit my dad.
I am not as nervous as he wasn't annoyed last time. But then that has been a pattern - I will be easily lulled into a false sense of security.
I hate too that the other daughters are frequent visitors and he talks to them. He lied to me about that. I said I was upset at his closeness with them so instead of owning it he lied. G does the same. I have done the same. I don't want to do this kind of thing anymore. I can be upset or angry without being unloving or dismissive. But that's what people do. They get angry and then smash any togetherness to pieces.
Fuck them fuck the world fuck it all.
I am upset and angry. It's annoying how fucking codpependent everyone is. Including me. I do not separate myself from this but for goodness sake everyone lets start getting honest and take responsibility.
Then again I was reading Tenzin Palmo this morning. It makes sense.
"And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense. It is enormous ... Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them. We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear. We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions. They're just mental states. They're not solid, they're not transparent. ... One has to know that and not identify with the knower. One has to know that the knower is not somebody"
I have had miniscule glimpses of this. And then  really wondering what it would be to know that I am the knower but how to move away from that level. Gosh it seems more than difficult it seems impossible. And then again there are people who try to tell me how to eb and how I am and what I need to do. I want to tell them I've had glimpses thanks but it would seem egotistical and say I haven't really it's just my imagination that I have. They would think I was daft to think I have had glimpses and know what this means. So I say nothing. Perhaps I just have to stay open to their suggestions because I will undoubtedly learn something from it if I listen attentively

Amnyway I also love my dad. I hate seeing him so ill and so little. He is nothing more than a rib cage. His legs hardly made a bump in the sheets. He has no voice. His smile doesn't fit over his teeth. He is sleepign all the time. Where is the fury of the man now? I'd rather that than this pitiful unwell man. It's horrid to see him like this.
And it's horrid that T gets to be the one he talks to. I want to know. I wnat to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Talk to me. What arrangements does he want for the funeral? What has he done about the Will? What does he want????
Why isn't he evr ever available to me. Why does he hate me?
Always everyone else came before my mum and I. I do it with friends. So influenced by the new person on my meeting line. I take people for granted or do I? People expect a lot. I expect a lot.
It;s all just nonsense. Bring in Tenzin Palmo please Universe.

Thank you G for introducing me to the book to get some sense of something good.

Lunch
Bliss
XX

 

Frexting

A text response to a response with M .. not sent as I thought better of it. Texts can be so misunderstood.

The you you you is shared with me me me time - in my opinion it is a two-way thing so I never need an apology. Actually it's part of our interaction and equality. Sometimes it might be a bit more me me me and other times you you you. Sometimes I feel disappointed or frustrated when I don't get to finish my what I'm saying. And i notice how often I do it - start immediately relating to something similar. At the same time don't stop sharing when you relate because its always valid. ill just try to say "i just need to finish what I was saying" or something like that. But that's minimal compared to the inter communication. I value your opinion - don't always like it but it is rare for me not to agree. And you sharing often gives me insight into myself. So you really do not need to apologise. It's not selfish as I interpret your "me me me" to suggest. Maybe I've misinterpreted that. And by the way it took enormous courage to say about my disappointment and I may have said it clumsily - I am such a fearful person. Practicing expressing my thoughts I suppose. Also think oh no this isn't the right format or time to say all of this. So you know what I won't. Ill save this and remember to interject when it happens and try to keep it light and breezy.
Bliss
XX

Monday, 21 January 2013

G-Day Thexts and hospital influences

 I always live as if I've never fully moved in and ready to leave. It's not homely at all.

I started my new job. So nice to BE in a humane environment again. Mainly I'm researching potential client bases but had my first client yesterday.

It's good not to be too mind stretched as my dad is very unwell. He maintains the distance between us do I'm trying to push the hospital whilst respecting his wishes. It hurts but I can deal with that although at times the pain in my heart feels crippling. It only can be if I let it

I've had longings for closeness with G but know its merely emotions. I'd already discovered the way he is is not compatible with the way I am. It's just a wanting to be wanted above anyone else to make me feel worthwhile. I know I'm okay and enough on an intellectual level but I don't believe it in my heart and soul. My dads rejection yet again has re emphasised that mistaken core belief. So I'm not surprised I've had longings for G. We are able to be friendly though. I'm pleased as he truly is an extraordinary person in many ways. And I'd like to be able to tap into that side of him - he is so interesting .

My emotions have been all over the place - rage, fear, irritation, fury, jealousy, remorse, sadness, blaming, confusion, disappointment, despair. I keep finding gratitude though and holding into my trust in something bigger than us all - the universe and the energy of that. I am praying for my dad and through gritted teeth for his wife too. I don't know what's best for either of them so just pray for them. Thank goodness I have 12 step fellowship. Food thoughts have been strong but I can call and talk. I know I'm an addict and a part of that is wanting to escape my emotions especially the uncomfortable feelings. So here I am facing it all using support and my sense of a bigger picture that I'm not in control of. I'm

learning so much about myself and that's fascinating amidst all of the difficulty. Again thank goodness for my recovery. I get strength just thinking of that.

So today I'm going to the hospital. I know my dad won't see me but I want to see the nurses and find out what they are doing and what the plan is. I have been advised to do this so that they know there is someone involved. Otherwise apparently they send people "on the path to Liverpool" in other words let them die. I don't know if I heard that correctly but the meaning is accurate. I'm going tink

to look it up. Later on I'm meeting G - I'm hoping to get my key back and also just be friendly. I dont think either of us want more than that. But there is a part of me who wants him to want me do desperately he'll change. I know that won't work and isn't possible so I'll need to be cautious not to fall for any warmth. It's not enough for me with this man. I have to keep reminding myself of all that wasn't working but to do that there is still emotional pain. Hence people say have some distance at the end of a relationship ie some time. Otherwise my pain can easily arouse frustration and then anger and I've already got plenty if that. Oh blimey I took a quick peek on SL. The temptation to escape you see is enormous. I feel immense pressure with all of this especially when the future creeps in and projecting that I'm going to have to battle with his wife to be involved with any arrangements should my dad die. I need to know his wishes but he won't tell me. Once he's dead who cares really. But then my greediness kicks in and wanting my inheritance. I hate myself for even thinking about it let alone the fighting I'm considering. I just have to hand it over and trust. I'm showing up attempting to respect my dads wishes but at the same time get him cared for. That's all I can do I think.
Blimey that's a lot of texting. Some of it really is good to hear in my head and get it out. Thank you for being there. Have a wonderful Saturday. Byeeeee for now cx


Since then G and I are sort of back together. It's all unclear as to how and what it is. But then does everything have to be clear and certain for me?
And I received a call last evening from T my dad's wife. I'm not really clear exactly what she said but suffice that the end of his life seems to be approaching. She has suggestd I go and visit him today. I will go after lunch. He may be distressed by my visit and ask me to leave again. T apparently was unaware he had stoped me visiting. I wonder what the hell he has told people??? He tells me she's the one who doesn't like me and is jealous of me. Part of me wants to announce this to her.
Anyway she cried. She said it's too son. And she just wants him home. I feel for her but also sickened to here this. She is not my mum and they were flirting with each other not long after my mum died. How could she? How could he? Mostly - typical of him. I am angry with him for this and may be completely unjustified. What the hell does it matter. I can forgive him too. I suppose I want to be with someone yet I know I can be without.
With G? Well who knows what it is. There is something not connected about it. There is a grump he had yesterday when he was so far from me. It's still there today and yet he's trying to be supportive. I am glad he offered to come with me but with the distance ....? I don't know. I am just wondering what it's all about really??
What is the point of all of this. Strife and self gain. Wanting this and needing that. It also feels odd because my sense of purpose has been a lifetime, 52 years of trying to get my dad to love ME. Not an image of me but me the person just as I am. I wantes him to see ME and accept ME. But no!