Insider ops

The Skype call was lovely for the purposes of someone calling me when I can see a long empty of people day ahead of me. But the little noises, the echoing sound and plop plop of rising bubbles from the depths of the deep, I just can't think of a summarising phrase that really captures the sound. JH could do that somehow.
A call from FA J. She had tried several contacts so was pleased to make contact. I was pleased of the connection with the "god-shaped hole" she mentioned. That was a reminder to bring HP into this. I suppose it's the first Saturday after the euphoria of feeling free for a week.
I think the high is beginning to deflate. The descent isn't quite as attractive and exciting as the exhilarating ride up. So here we are. Oh and LW has not been as intent with his contact this week. I suppose he's a lot more sensible than I am. A couple of days of late calls and intense contact and then he is getting on with his other interests - time out with friends (agh!), time with his boys (perfectly understood), work (when I still check even though I'm busy at work).

I don't even wonder what G is doing because I assume everything has returned to what it was. Time at D's sitting in Elstead doing what he did here, being grumpy and critical. Then reluctantly going to his revoltingly kept flat and attending meetings just not to be there with himself. I hope he managed to stay off the cigarettes. Gosh! Just 3 days off and then an end of a relationship, What a perfect excuse to start again rather than ride through the cravings. No doubt I'll be the selfish one to be so unkind at a vulnerable time.

It's interesting with LW. He had asked me to send him daily a description of my clothes. He likes that I am dressing thinking of him. It is arousing. I start to feel sexy and even walk a little more sexily. It contributed to my high. The low descends as the contact with him does not keep my excitement going. I am writing these things all sexually heightened without any return from him. I exaggerate because he has acknowledged me during the week. I think that's thoughtful.
I feel a little crude by continuing to write. I asked him to let me know if I should stop. He sent me a little carrot yesterday saying that he had masturbated over me. How thrilling! And then I think about it and think why is that thrilling, a man masturbating thinking of me. Ha ha. What exactly is this sex stuff all about. It's so compelling. Am I an addict? Or is this normal?
If there are consequence and I still don't stop then surely that's when the problem should be noticed. There have been consequences. I've become so obsessed there have been times when I harm myself emotionally, mentally and/or physically. I have put myself in risky situations, i.e. unsafe sex, multiple partners and feeling disgusted with myself - is it against my principles or is it because others have different principles.
I am carrying on with the request but I am not sure how long I will continue. Is it a test? He said he likes to tease. Would he tease so much to see how far he can push me. He said he likes to push to a persons limits. This too can at times feel really sexy, like he's controlling me but is he really or is that all in my imagination. We talked about the M/s roles. He likes to be in charge and it was him that sussed out the roles I might enjoy but I don't want to return to that. I like someone being in charge.
But of course I am realising he's created the precedent but it's me who's doing it. After all what he can he actually do. I'm here, he's there. He talks about wanting to spank me. Oh blah blah blah. So I've created this scenario that actually is not necessarily real.
I also have the laughable fantasy that somehow this will escalate. Because of course I have an ideal in my head of who he is. As I did G. I saw glimpses of it and overlooked all the things that weren't actually what I wanted. I would disregard so much if there is actually the person I am looking for within the enfolds of garbage. But that's not how it works. The layers give an indication of how the whole person is when the layers come together.
I am glad though to have principles. Sad that I don't always live up to them!

So here I am avoiding starting the studying. I have an opportunity to read ahead and get the final TMA done - although it seems the last TMA doesn't count towards the overall score. So what is the point? Anyway it has to be done. And then I could catch up on a bit of the reading I haven't done. What am I doing???? Sitting here watching You Tube music so that I can send the links to LW and look cultural, exciting, diverse. I seem to think because I'm attracted to that sort of thing it'll make me attractive.
And then watching episodes of In Treatment. Interesting as it is - truly. I am getting insight into me as a therapist, into me and my issues.
Perhaps I'll allow this morning off to rest and come down after a busy week in the therapy world. People relapsing - it's shit. But it's the complexity of this thing called addiction if that's what it is.
I met with AH. He is so aware and yet so not. He talks about his life with clarity but then utter confusion as well. It's good to work with him.
This is a client I really like. He is thinking about risk assessing every situation to help decide whether he takes a particular action or not. Sensible. And the agreement is that if he finds he cannot stick with his decision he may need some further assistance.
He just lacks connectedness. He has so much loving to give but it's sort of free floating wating for a place to land and be picked up by someone. Where he thought it had been picked up it's being squeezed out of him and he's left almost lifeless in that situation. He's an entrepreneur but without that final umph. He'd describe it as that extra special something that launches one about the glass ceiling. He's a grafter though and prides himself on his way with people.
I like working with him. He's not too proud to ask for help and really really wants something different. He will get it purely because he is somewhat willing.
It's nice to work with someone so fresh and inquisitve about himself.

Good for him.

Okay a friend has called - second week in a rwo. Out of the blue and is local. So we are going to meet for a cuppa and a walk. I really should tidy - these are like little hints that I could tidy and then people coulkd just be free to call around whenever they want. Part of my demotivation is the effect of the moths! I loathe them and their devastation so why bother tidying up. It can never look perfect. I want wooden floors now - get clinical looking. And no possesssions.

So extreme - bless me.
There is an HP, I see it through my friends. :)

Bliss
XX






 

Indelible traces of my past that are falsified

Memories can be very unreliable. We like to think of them as indelible records of our past. Every time we pull out a scene we fiddle with it a little bit before we put it back in
We are constantly altering our memories so the past won't conflict with the present.
It isn't questioning our feelings about our childhood but specific incidents might not necessarily be exactly as they were.
One event though doesn't tell us everything about the entirety of our childhood.

Emotional injury in families can feel so unfair.
It's like an accident in the car when I'm the only who went through the windshield.
And people think they are doing different tings from how it actually feels.

I want to stop all these people I see at work from going through the windshield.
My mum has gone through the windshield. I am now the orphan I have always felt I have been. I felt separated and different. Different values.
How ca I be a good daughter to my parents even though they are dead?
I get so busy. I don't want to go to their graves. It's just nothingness there. I don't want to tend the little area.

I do what my parents did I suspect ... to my friends.
I can be such a fabricator of the truth - well less so now unless I'm careful to be truthful.
I omit things so that people don't know what is actually going on.













 

SC's response the the Arms of Mary

Dear Bliss

To offer you thoughts, opinions or perspectives about what you have shared with me would miss understand the importance of the truth that you seek to express. I can therefore only offer you a response

I feel privileged that you would share such a very personal and private agony. I am most struck by the Unfathomable, confusing, torturous and terrifying Truth that you have lived with for much of your life.

I congratulate you for your relentless efforts to confront injustice, in the hope that you may be free. Maybe you have arrived at a place where it is time to relinquish the painful search for 'why'. The answer is embodied in the impossibility of ever knowing why

Freedom is the recognition that in the face of trauma, we can define our own Truth with the help of God or Higher Power.

Warm regards

An artists model or just a high?

Well this last couple of days I have decided that I'd like to be an artists model. I Googled it. And yesterday found an artist in Hampshire. He was on an artists chat site. He would be offering £25 for life drawing sessions. THEN ... on my FB page was a post from The Barn in Farnham advertising a life drawing evening class. I read the details and about the artist. I write to him saying that I'd like to model and would he require a novice. He offered me some dates subject to meeting. I went along this evening to an art class that happens each week on a Wednesday. The was the model naked as the day that she was born being drawn by a group of artists. Fab. I am starting a four evening modelling session. I will be dressed in a costume. I am excited. Very excited. I met and chatted with the artists and was able to take a look at their work.
I had a long chat with C the model. She has been doing it for 10 years. Her mother pimped her she said laughing. Having returned from India she was unemployed. Her mother ran a gallery and when someone asked her if she knew of anyone who would do some life modelling she put C forward. C shared some tips. Just be me, Choose a point to look at which in turn helps her ensure her head is in the same position. She said I would probably be nervous but that's okay but most importantly find a comfortable position and enjoy.
So my first session is on 3rd July, then the 5th, 9th and 10th. I will be paid which is great - it's £10 per hour.
I have no idea if I'll be able to sit so perfectly still for the long sit. It's not for the entire 2 1/2 hours. To begin with there are some exercises where I'll be moving about every few minutes. But then there is a point where I settle for the long sit. There is a break and I can say if I am feeling uncomfortable and need to move for a moment.
If I'd been seeing G I wouldn't have been able to do this I am pretty certain. He would not have liked it.
I told A and G this evening and A was wondering why? It's an experience I've never had. To be a part of someones creative process. The artists may not care about that but I do. I may hate. I may not be able to sit for long enough. But I will do my best.

I also did a private hour session - therapy this evening. At the insistence of a guy from AA. I met with his brother. My assessment is that that they have some deep issues between them. Goodness knows what will happen. I made some suggestions to the client. I was very non-specif with the AA guy. And I doubt whether I will hear from them again. We will see. But I charged £50 and the AA guy said he'll make sure he gets it to me.

What an interesting evening.

As if I've got loads of spare time - ha ha ha.

Bliss
 

Taking posession of the cherry

Since G sketched me - naked, I have been intrigued by life drawings. Van Dongen's Torse L'Idole fascinated me. Even more so when I discovered it was his wife. Now I want to be a model for life drawings. I think I'm even turned on by the idea.
I have made contact with an artist. He wants to keep me on his list of models for his own work and will also get me along for life drawing classes he holds. He invited me along for 26 Jun but I can't get to the location from work by 6pm.
I feel excited about doing it although I'd be nervous.I think the sexual connotation is there because I feel the similar nervousness I felt the first time I did an escorting job.
It was sexually arousing which disgusted me because the man wasn't himself. He was always after the real newbies. I understand why though. Very quickly the cynicism creeps in. Not a virgin but virginal to that, he got that innocence, he took it and made it his!
I am fascinated by the exotic relationships that artists and models must have had. No wonder artists had so many relationships.
I have had too.

I have been aroused by LW's exotica with me. It is similar to experiences on SL when some people could really sink in and take hold of the sexual sensual me. If only love could be tied in with it. But I am not sure it would ever work for me that way. Who knows?
I would like to find companionship with a man. But I don't think I could be tied to them. So far that has proven to be true.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted on the modelling career -  tee hee

Bliss
 

Quick-witted devastation

It's a really busy day here at work today. I'm not looking forward to it actually. It can be even more exhausting when PD is like he is. He gets overly excited when we have lots of clients and it's a different stress than when he's worrying about money. He becomes sooooo controlling. He's controlling anyway. I just have to let go and turn towards patience and tolerance. When I do it's so much easier and I can smile and support him. Good to write that as it's remind me. Okay now I can let go of the exhausting bit which is the attempt to cling on to a little bit of control. Yield to empower!!

Relax and let go. I need some help from my HP to do this as it doesn't come naturally.
I could feel the tension, the pressure "got to get it right as P's wanting it all perfect"

Well the day went okay really. A good group. Supervision was as ever helpful. I'm tired.
However I wat to write down the past months. A lot as always has happened. I haven't written much about it.
Another adventure with lots of lessons. I wonder if I've learnt them. It appears not.

So last September, after several weeks or months of some sort of flirting between G and I, he invited me for a walk. I had for the entire time prior to this been thrilled by his texts and when that shifted into telephone conversations, I listened to his voive and started to fall in love with this person of my imagination. When I saw him I just kept asking myself what am I doing. I was not attracted to him physically. I imagine when younger he was a really good looking guy. But now he's a very aged and grumpy looking face. He is in fact grumpy.
On the first walk I was charmed by the way he knew the names of wild flowers. he took me to Winchester HIll. I had never been. So there was a romatic gentle him I encountered. Someone who was loving nature. Yup I was beginning to be hooked.
That evening I didn't want the time with him to end. We went to a nearby pub for a cup of tea/coffee. I was flirtatious in my whole body. He touched my knee. I noticed and the feeling lingered long after he had removed his finger. It was not a full hand just a few finger points on my knee.
As we drive towards home, it was getting late. I needed to eat. My place was so messy i wouldn't consider for a second inviting him in where I could have made my food and some for him. So late as it was, I suggested we go out for something to eat. I couldn't affird and somehow I already knew he didn't work or something. Anyway we had a cheapish meal. It was as abstinent as it could be and certainly less than I am required to eat. It was food and you know how it is when you're flirting? Food doesn't really come into things. So I'd done well.
Then he drove me home. Sitting in the car I asked him what was going on? He asked "what between thee and me?". I said yes. He said something I can't remember now and as I turned to look at him he kissed me. I was surprised to say the least I was not expecting that.
I said that I was not available for a relationship. He said he wasn't either. So we parted company.
I had texts from him in the week and calls and we went on a second walk. On this occassion I was more than intersted despite not being available for a relationship. In between all of this there were conversations with my FA sponsor who was saying that I needed to cut contact, I agree, I cut contact but then reengaged with him.
So on the second walk ... I was standing overlooking a wonderful view, when suddenly G put his arms around me from behind. He asked if this was okay, I said yes. I liked the feel of his arms around me. He had been so nice to me and was different really from the grumpy man I thought he was.
Boy was I mistaken. Over the last 9 months I have met his moodiness. Sometimes I could joke about something that one day would be laughed at and the next would be rude and insulting.
The relationship has been tumultuous at times but when it was (note the was) good it was great.
G really is a quite remarkable man. Even though he would screw his face up in disbelief, he is incredibly astute. He is intelligent way beyond the majority and also very bright. He has knowledge whish he would insist anyone can have but he cane use the learnt knowledge. He can use it both destructively and positively.
He has this relationship with D. He talks about his attachment to the dog M. Strangely enough I think the dogs are an analogy for his feelings. He is strgonly attached to M (D in my mind) and dislikes T (J the husband, they are still together and it's a strange 3-some really). Then he was being unkind to LL (me, growling at hr and making her unhappy). And that's how it's been really.
I tried to out aside insecurity re D and decided to trust him when he said they were close mates and that there was nothing other than that leel of feeling. He goes there pretty much every day unless he's avoiding doing some work that she's asked him to do, such as stroimming, or he's got annoyed (which can be regular with me) or she doesn't want him there. It's all very odd. i wonder what her wife thinks. And knowing the way G is he probably has made it home without that ever being anyone's intention. Well not to the extent he took ownrship of my place. He didn't want to leave. I ad to strat getting boundaried and saying I needed my time. he was getting angrier about that. BUt he came here to stay and after a couple of days I notied his tyres had been slashed. All four. He did nothing about for over a week. Eventually I asked him what he was going to do. He had no money. I loaned him the £240 to get the tyres replaed. He said he would pay me back. Guess what.
However, he put in a shower. I said I wanted it but had I known it was a payment for the tyres I wouldn't have had it. Plus it's not really finished, I had to buy some parts which I suppose were in all about £80 in the end. The housing association would have put one in for £70 and it would probably have been a better job in that it would have been finished. He promised a shower panel. It's never happened and he got cross about it as well because he's have to do some tiling. His workmanship leaves something to be desired so I am glad he didn't do that. So I paid £240 for a shower. And then he bought me a kettle and a loely jacket and some underear for my birthday. Again I was embarrassed to take this but no offer to ay back the money despite getting his rebate. I took the presents. Again I would rather have had the money to spend on my own tyres and a car service desparately needed.
Chrsitmas was awful. He wanted to be with D. She knew about at this time. He came for a visit on Christmas Day. I had not made arrangements thinking that we would be together.
He was marvellous support thourhg my dads; death - 3rd February and then the funeral 13th February. BUt bloody hell he projected his anger onto the whole thing including me.
He often did. Telling me off for being the way I am. I am so glad to have ended this relationship.
However I miss the intelligent him, the bright him, the quick-witted him, the thoughtful him, the gentle him, the intimate him. This man exists behond the gossip, the anger, the overly sensitive him.
Bloody hell is his story one that is so dreaful. I have cried for what he has been through. And it affects him deeply today. He does not move on from it. He says that it cannot be changed. He blames the circumstances on him being an alcoholic. I don't know if that's true or not. Is it there anyway to be had at any opportunity?
It's been a hellish time and an amazing time. In the end it was more hell than great. I hadn't been sure about the relationship throughou really. Things like this 3-some he was on, the lack of any desire to work, the lack of any money really, the anger, the gossip, etc etc. All these things were under my question from early on. I just wasn't sure though. I came to know last week when he shouted at me publicly for not wanting more than a glass of water. And then he was starting to get worse with LL. That was the final straw. That cannot happen to LL. S made a comment to me soemthing about valuing myself as much as LL.
And I have I ended the relationship on Saturday. It was not easy to do in the sense of fear of telling him. This FEAR in me is so immense. I could have said something Wednesday. He gave me the opportunity. I could have said somethign Friday and planned to but bottled out.
I knew I needed to say something Saturday morning as he thought he was coming over for a nie stay. He was civil on the phone. He put the phone down. Then I got a sharp text.

"you have always been dishonest. A fake, self-seeking and very much blind to yourself. Maybe the result of hiding in your therapy work!! The sex was a sham and I think you will always have fantasies about your father".
I smiled. I think this was hurt being lashed out. There was some dishonesty on my part. He'd asked me if I'd ever prostituted myself. I said no.
The rest, well. I don't think there's any truth in it at all. The last comment is something he alluded to before. I had asked him then what he had said as I didn't hear it or maybe he didn't actually say anything more than a start of something. I can't quite remember, perhaps the latter. Anyway. I think G was projecting so much onto me.
So it's over.
And then in walks LW or rather I invited the advance.
In my mind the fantasy has begun. I'm married living in Sweden. We are great together.
You see he is good looking. This one is. I do find him physically attractive. We have had virual sex. He's donw it before he must have done although he said he's had phone sex with an ex.
He says that he fancied me when we were at scaool. I am finding it difficult to beleive that someone so good looking could have or does find me attractive. You see I see ugly. well maybe just unattractive.
It's amazing though that I am so comfortable in my body now.
Another adventure begins. I'm alrady in something else. No time as they say like the present .... toescape the emotions!

Well I'm tired. Late night cyber ses these day knackers me out. Gosh how I was managing with SL goodness only knows. I was up until 2 or 3 am and then up at 6 to leave for work and do a full day rush home and SL again.
Crazy!! I can't do it now.

Bliss
 

I rang I wrote I implored but nobody came

I rang I wrote I implored but not a single one of the sparkling hundreds attended the funeral and from Daisy not een a flower. I was all he had, the only one who cared.
.... After Gatsbys' death, New York was haunted for me. That city! My once golden shinmmering mirage, now made me sick.
On my last night in NY I returned to that huge incoherent house once more. Wolfshimes associates had cleared it out.
I remembered how we had all come to Gatsby's and guessed at his corruption. How he stood before us concealing the incorruptible dream.
The moon rose higher and as I stood there brooding on the old, unknown world.
I thought of Gatsbys wonder as he picked out the green light at the end of Daisys dock. He had come such a long way and his dream must have seemed so close he could hardly fail to grasp it.
But he did know it was already behind him
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then but that's no matter
Tomorrow we will run faster and stretch out our arms farther, and one fine morning
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back, ceaselessly into the past.

Last page of
The Great Gatsbyby F. Scott Fitzgerald

Most of the big shore places were closed now and there were hardly any lights except the shadowy, moving glow of a ferryboat across the Sound. And as the moon rose higher the inessential houses began to melt away until gradually I became aware of the old island here that flowered once for Dutch sailors’ eyes—a fresh, green breast of the new world. Its vanished trees, the trees that had made way for Gatsby’s house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an æsthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder.

And as I sat there, brooding on the old unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.

Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning——

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

I was compelled to watch this film. It is a great story. I lovved it with Robert Redford. By great I mean a very well told story. ML raved about the book, which I've never read. I rarely read these days.
I suspect it's my lack of focused attention. When I do read I so enjoy it. Another excuse is the long days, the studying, the too much else to do attitude.

What did I pick up on - well the obvious decadence,
I found it so frustrating when Tom was showing Gatsby's true background and implying that he, Tom, was from "real" money. What is that about. How do people come to be monied people and make it their own. They are then born into it, genrations of money makes them a line of somebodies. Yet Gatsby had gone away to become a somebody and despite his enormous wealth was not considered a somebody. And then the clean money too. The orginal makers of money in Tom's line probably made their money through dubious morals. Am I a cynic?
The decadence, money meant people could treat people however they wanted and all in the name of desire because I could sort of attitude.
So Gatsby never left the past. He journied in the present, making money, corruption, fabricating his persona as his money grew. But he was always in his past, trying to bring it in today. Too much had happened.
She was in two minds. But when his rage manifested .... did she suddenly see the unbred version, what would happen if pushed. She changed her mind from that moment.
Love did not conquer something. Money? Was it all about money. He thought he had to have money for her. He went and got it but it didn't do the trick.

I'm very interested to learn what ML thought of the film.

Bliss