Down at mouth city scapes and people

Writing as a tool.
This past week I've woken up most mornings feeling pretty flat an that's been mainly fuelled by sadness. I miss the contact with G and when I think of him, I think of his sad demeanour and that at times we had really fun and happy times. There was a problem though in that being the norm. That was the exception. I have to keep reminding myself as otherwise I have those "gaps" when there is nothing to do, nowhere to go and I'm just sitting with me ad guess what? I don't  sit in that spot too easily very often. I haven't taken quiet time for an age now. I find all sorts of reasons as to why not.
And then L. Well having sent him the message as follows:

"Good morning L.

For some unaccountable reason this week feels as if it's going by so slowly. It's only Thursday. I only work 4 days a week at the moment and it still feels too many.

Oh good news and quite a shock, I got a first in both of my last 2 assignments. I certainly didn't expect that! That probably means very little but to me it's amazing. I do everything at the last minute and I give very little time to my studying really. I could be quite clever I reckon if I applied myself. That's what my teachers used to say in so many words. I was never really disciplined at school or at home with this sort of thing. And yet expectations were high. Strange combination really.

I wanted to say something quite serious now ..... are you sitting.

Ha ha - for me it feels intense and then I think what the hell am I talking about how can this be so intense???

Fumble fumble for words to say things that are then actually very revealing about me the person.

As you will probably know by now I am interested in sex. I like to play, I like to enjoy sex. HOWEVER (there's always a but huh?). It's not enough for me to just be sexual.

Now here's the weird bit okay. I am very very aware that you're there and I'm here but to me this sex play is just a prelude to getting to know you. Despite the distance and plastic between me and you there's just a little wonder in me as to whether you are someone I would like to know and have time with. It's impossible so goodness knows how or why I should even entertain the idea.

And so then why on earth would I be entering into all this sexual play. When actually I don't want to do that with anyone other than a person I am in a relationship with.

I enjoy what we've been doing. It's a lot of fun. I like your adventurous spirit and I like being pushed as actually I am very shy especially with sex and yet not really - what a combination!!

It's not enough though really. Without all the other levels of intimacy even with adventuring it becomes simply sex.

This I guess is where men and women are so so different. I can play and adventure but I also like discussion and experiencing other things and so on.

It's impossible for you and I to do that together.

I was going to write that if you were here or I there or just together and going out and talking and stuff from time to time and then getting home and then making love with gusto and adventure - that's great!!

But as days have gone on I just wonder what I'm doing. Coz the other problem is that I am loyal to you despite the distance, the plastic and the not really knowing you at all.

So then I am investing myself in distance, plastic and cyber sex which is only partially fulfilling a sexual desire.

Intensity over.......

No doubt I'll get horny again. But oddly if I don't entertain that it doesn't become a longing and passes quickly.

Anyway I'm going off to work now. Boo hoo. I love it when I'm there it just seems too much this week. Why does that happen?

Well of the real content of this email.

I'd be interested in your thoughts. I enjoy the liaisons with you but ....

I would like to continue being "penfriends/telephone friends" but I'm not quite sure on what basis - I know I don't want it to be on a sexual basis.

Better than running off to consider what the fuck I am doing here. I thought I'd just be honest with my thoughts. "

 

So he replied saying he understood and he would telephone me over the weekend. Well he hasn't so far. He has respected my sexlessness though but also barely been in contact, unless I've initiated a chitty chatty nonsense text. I have stopped as of last night. I was demeaning myself and thinking it just confuses the issue. He is not someone I know to be chit chatting about my day to day experiences. An that's all I want really. Someone to just share the days and experiences with. Otherwise I have these experiences and ..... and what? They are experiences for myself not because of others. Sometimes I do wonder if I have them to show off. And sometimes as I'm say walking around a gallery learning and viewing I start questioning why bother with all this life experience when I'm going to die and the "knowledge" dies with me. What's the point?

For example I'm doing all this studying and may achieve my degree eventually. So what? I die soon. What benefit will it all have had?

I've had a few more heart flutters. The worst was on when? Thursday I think. P was in group and one started. Whereas usually it is a brief moment. This one went on beyond the brief and I didn't worry as I thought it was a slightly extended brief moment. But it continued. I was starting to consider getting some help. My first port of call was to go and get P. I didn't though as he was in group and I wouldn't want to disturb that process. Anyway it passed. I've noticed a few sensations since but actually not as strong and fleeting. I've mentioned it to AB and she wants me to phone A&E if it reoccurs but I don;t think it's serious enough for that. I'm moderately perturbed at this stage.

AB is drinking a lot. And bloody hell I'm feeling so irritated by her. I feel her trying to control all the time. She is over thinking everything and worrying about everything. And as a result she is infuriating. She is over intellectualising as well. She is rude. I keep entering into the affray with her and then realise I'm getting fraught and short with her and so step back out again. She is SO controlling. The thing is I can then see myself controlling to match and survive. It is so annoying that she will not do anything about her drinking. And actually it's annoying as GB won't do anything about hers either. She and AB then enable each other. GB drinks just as much but isn't the same in her manner with it. The family is riddled with codependency. I couldn't live there and understand why RB gets away so much. It's into the arms of D thought and there is something about him that is not trustworthy. I can't put my finger on it. He wants to rescue the world but has this sort of arrogance. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he wasn't still drinking in secret.

Anyway with AB I know my feeling swill pass when she reduces her drinking again - goodness knows what's triggering this bout of nastiness. Menopause I wouldn't wonder and fear of the future.

Yesterday going to London was lovely. I qualified at the FA meeting and it was a real uplifting thing to do. 90 days again yesterday. Hoping that I do not have to go back to day 1. The return to day 1 can be over silly little things. I talks about the relapse because of fear. Fear of saying what I needed and ending up eating food that wasn't enough and so ate bread as it was on the plate. It was like eating razor blades with every mouthful, knowing it was relapse. And then of course thinking well I've done that I might as well ... I didn't thankfully. I managed to sit but wasn't really that attentive. And then I did eat my evening meal as usual. Thank goodness I had prepared it all.

K looks great and S is blooming with her pregnancy despite being so unwell with Lymes. What a worry for the unborn baby too. Yet she looks serene and getting on with whatever is ahead of her with projecting too much. I wonder though if she is just covering up and yet knowing that with all my emotions and situations I really am okay overall. And I know it's all just feelings and even with projections about the possibility of the business not working and me being out of a job I am not agonising. Not like last year when I was desperate to get away from the situation with LK but didn't know what I'd do for work. I thought I'd do anything until I actually started looking and felt the life drain from me when considering office work. What would I do other than this? I love being able to work with people.

I I could see 11 people per week at £50 per session equals £550 would be about £28k per year. Hmm less tax. Not so much really but more than a lot of people. The problem is getting 11 people consistently. People are not consistent and then where do the referrals come from which is the exact same problem we have now.

And where the hell do I get a room cheaply enough. You see the costs haven't even been deducted from that. I can see myself doing that eventually though if this doesn't work out.

Oh I start my modelling career this week.

Lowry at Tate Britain.

 

Interesting. I really liked one of his paintings on the beach. It was a rare different setting from industrialised cities. It was different colour scheme as well. Most of his paintings were white skies and white ground. Lots of browns, greys and olive greens. And uplifted by red clothing on the matchstick men and dogs.

"I saw the industrial scene and I was affected by it. I tried to paint it all the time. I tried to paint the industrial scene as best I could. It wasn’t easy."

GB asked if I had a bundle of money whether I would buy a Lowry for the aesthetics. I'd buy one for the collection.But for aesthetics. Probably not, maybe the beach. They are depictive of the industrial city of Manchester. I hadn't realised that the scenes were not real but a cobbled collection of places. Like collages really. And apparently the people were really images of himself in a general way. Everyone looks busy, heads down and leaning forward. Unhappiness. That's what I generally got from them. It was an interesting viewing from the point of seeing his skill in perspective and being quite unique.

Influenced by the French impressionists with his colours apparently and taught by Valette and others. I see and influence of Pissaro, whom I like very much actually. His use of night lights especially.

 

And most were painted as if out of a window from a top floor. How could he have got those views. Did he just take away the memory and a sketch. Now AB says he was quite a strange man and had painted some sexual life's with a theme of bondage in some. It's a pit the curator hadn't given the fuller story of him. Curators probably play safe huh? How snobby the art world is but how limiting. I'd like to have a fuller picture of the artists. It's then coming to life more.

 

 

Published in The Guardian

 

Lowry's dark imagination comes to light

• Vanessa Thorpe, arts and media correspondent
• The Observer, Sunday 25 March 2007

Behind the familiar images of factory workers and northern industrial city scapes that have made LS Lowry one of Britain's most easily recognised and frequently reproduced painters, there is a much darker, sadder group of work rarely seen by the public. These bleak sketches and paintings include a series of disturbing and sexually deviant drawings that remained hidden until after the artist's death in 1976.Today the novelist and Lowry enthusiast Howard Jacobson is to give the annual lecture in honour of the painter at the Lowry Centre. He will argue that ignoring the bleak side of the artist's imagination has led to him being under-rated and misunderstood by many art critics. Jacobson is to call for Lowry's fetishistic, private drawings to be more widely shown.'I don't feel we are prying. I don't think there is anything prurient about it. In fact, by avoiding looking at this work we are just shielding Lowry from imagined disapproval. It is pathetic,' said Jacobson.He will suggest the public do not yet appreciate the complexity of Lowry's work, partly because they see such a limited selection. For Jacobson, the secret drawings of women in outlandish outfits and strange bondage positions are just part of his melancholy and tortured view of the world.'I am not somebody who thinks we have a right to know about everything in an artist's life. There is a line, of course. But when it comes to the work itself, then it is not like that,' said Jacobson.'It shows what a serious modernist Lowry really was,' said Jacobson. 'If he was French, after all, there would be no fuss. In fact, people would probably expect him to have made work like this.'Many of the erotic sketches show single female figures in bizarre and restrictive costumes and they commonly have either a hinted or an explicitly violent content.Jacobson's call has prompted the Lowry estate to reveal this weekend that one of the erotic sketches held at the Lowry Centre, will be loaned to the Netherlands for an exhibition this autumn. The sketch is to be sent out along with three other more conventional works by Lowry.'We would always consider a request to show these works,' said a spokesman. 'It is always simply a question of context and of the level of scholarship involved.'The work being loaned for the show in Ghent is reproduced above by permission of the estate. The Lowry, which was set up in 2000 to commemorate the life and work of the painter, has also responded to Jacobson's plea.A spokeswoman for the gallery said that the group of erotic works, which are sometimes referred to collectively as 'the mannequin sketches' or 'marionette works' were, in fact, available for visitors to see on request and that many of the images are also brought up into the public display area according to a rotation system.'I am always happy to show this work on request,' said the Lowry's collection adminstrator, Ruth Salisbury.The arts establishment has frequently denigrated Lowry, who worked as a tax collector, and classed his work as part of an anodyne, heritage tradition. Dubbed a 'Sunday painter', his familiar paintings of factories and 'matchstick men and women' have been dismissed by some critics as a straightforward celebration of the northern industrial experience.Jacobson sees this as a major misunderstanding. The work is a brutal consideration of the modern world and the lack of communication between people, he argues, and is reminiscent of the work of the playwrights Harold Pinter and Samuel Beckett. As a fellow Mancunian, Jacobson will suggest in his lecture that Lowry's habit of running himself down has been counter-productive. Many critics have been taking his work at face value.

(I'm always impressed at the information AB manages to store in her memory)

 

 

Some of the paintings I saw .... And there were 6 rooms so this was just a very small selection. Some of the more well known city scenese were there of course. AB informs me that the Tate has a large collection that are never shown. Why?

 

 

Just one last ting to get off my mind. As I was walking across Lambeth Bridge towards Millbank and the Tate, a man approached me. Well dressed and shaven, he tried reassuring me that he wasn't going to snatch anything or mug me but wanted £2. He explained he had lost his wallett. he had not phone having decided to leave it at home. He was supposed to be meeting friends. He said he needed £24.50 or something to get a train home. I was suspiscious and offered tog et some change. But as he was walking and he was clearly needing the money so much I just gave him a tenner. I don;t really have moeny to be able to give away to strangrs who I didn;t really believe. But it didn't matter whether I believed him or not he clearly needed it so much to ask starngers and so I had it and gave it to him. A little bit of me is hanging on to the idea that i was conned but the other part of me knows I made a choice because he clearly needed it more than me whatever his reason.

I just hope he uses it wisely and it wouldn't contribute to his downfall. Happy days for him I hope

 

 

There is an irony somewhere in there that I can't wuit connect with - the poverty depicted in Lowry's art, cities, unhappiness and this man - well dressed and that desperate for money.

 

Bliss

xx

 

 

Principality

A lot of emotions I've felt last few days and last weekend. Grief - mum, dad, me. By me I have thought about my inability to really stand by my principles for myself. Particularly with men and ending up tolerating situations and ways that just do not fit me. Last night I was crying really missing my dad. I needed to find some photos for my qualifying today and gosh seeing pics of him and I and then wondering how it got to be so far away when he married Theresa. It's all so baffling. I have been talking a lot to him this past week. I have been relieved he's dead and now I'm beginning to miss this ideal version of him. Also I've really felt the remorse and guilt for all of my.behaviours and the impact on him. My dad was angry and stayed angry right to the bitter end - with me. I regret how people feel because of me. My dad was angry with me for existing it seemed to me. So much hurt and now loss of him to ever find out how to be friendly together
Bliss
xx 

Assymetry

A distorted image of who my parents were that I didn't want to let go of and then they both died without me ever being able to directly make amends.
Shit!

Bliss

Irretrievable loss

Women seem to deal with loss and grieve better than men it seems to me. Men don't seem to have a clue.
Loss seems a death to men is about losing and it makes men want to get even. There is anger. And get back at something or someone when there's nothing to really gain.

It seems that some people really liked my dad. The way his step daughters spoke about him.

How can I help anyone in my job without being a trained wife, daughter, partner, friend, human being.
It is different being a therapist, seeing someone else's lie is much easier with academic knowledge and training.

I learnt more about my father over the last years than I ever did beforehand.
Some things my dad did were just awful. But with T he seems to have done things that I just could not associate with my dad. Who was this man they talked about. A wicker coffin, a man who liked things he's never liked before. He was interested in things like the cinema and cruising when he wasn't before.
I had thought he was disregarding my mother somehow.
He chose this new life.
He chose other people when I was younger, other women, lies and not my mum and I. I thought for as long as I know that he didn't like me. He didn't like very much at all. He thought things I liked were pointless. I thought things he did were awful and his interests futile. And yet I looked up to him
Not everyone makes a good parent. My dad always said he would not make a good parent and didn;t ant to be a parent.
I guess he did the best he could with all the deficits of his own childhood and adulthood.
It's not me being defective but circumstances. I was not a bad person. I have to say that again - I was not a bad person as I believed I was.
I only really have learnt anything about myself - selfishly focused? I have been working on me and the sadness I wasn't able to be changed enough to really really make amends to my dad. I would have wanted him to know that I had changed and there were some things that really were still troublesome for me. Men.
I did say to him as he was struggling to breathe that I didn't understand what it had all been about. At that time I was still feeling the victim. I don't now. I took so much difficulty to his door simply because we were so different.
He didn't seem to hear me. He was unconscious at that time. They say hearing is the last thing to go. Maybe he heard me and knew I was there. I think I said sorry. I say sorry now dad.
I swear I felt his presence and a whisper in my ear of a mans voice saying sorry. I was falling asleep leaning on G but I heard it. It was before the reading of the Will and it was at the reading that I realised the sorry was for his disinheritance of me. He didn't come through for me. I didn't come through for him either.
It seems all so futile now.
I don't have anything of his that represents these last years. It would be something to hold onto as I try to let go oh him gradually a I did with my mum. Instead I have to do this in a more abstract way. He's dead and gone.
There is no time left. I see that clearly now. Time is precious and it's irretrievable.
I wanted him to say something meaningful to me and all he did was tell me off and feign sleep to get rid of me.
I wish I had been able to say something far more meaningful to me. I wished I had been able to ask him if he actually loved me. I wanted to ask him if he liked me at all, ever.
I should have been there more often - I was afraid. I was afraid of him doing and bein nasty to me.
I was afraid that after a litime of hating him he would be suddenly okay with me. If he could love me ... then what. It didn;t mean anything after all these years I suppose.
He hadn't been able to just accept me as I was. And so we were so far apart.
I remember the day I was about to get married and he said soething about not having to go through with it. I was too scared as I thought about the congregation, mum etc. I wish I had said that I was too scared for those reasons. I wonder what he would have said and done.
People say my fatherloved me and he did what he did. How do people know that?? I don;t think he did even though he said it. I loved him and hated him.
I can be the father to myself now. Really? But I don't know how to be the father I wanted to have!!
If a client asks me about me and my father I can say "I'm a therapist - what do you think?" and laugh.

Bliss
XX




 

You can say when .....

Naughty writing to LW. After a weekend of feeling flat and sad, grieving all that is goo about G and missing him it was a relief to hear from LW. I know it's a distraction and amidst I have little fantasies of hope that it might evolve  into THE relationship. How many times before I learn???

Anyway the texting and emailing produces the sexiness once again. It feels different from SL because .... ? Hmm not sure because. It's just him and I? It's not amidst avatars? I don't know if it really is any different. It's a speedier way than all those years ago when it could only be sexy letters between lovers. So it's different but it's not novel.

So here we go - read at your peril she said smiling and embarrassed ....

"This may be something you already know, however I wanted to write this as a very powerful turn on.I will write this as if it's what we have experienced in person together.

Whilst we've been paying with each other, arousing each other, touching and feeling each other, it's a real exquisite feeling to watch you masturbate yourself. To be able to be a part of that and join in by licking the droplets of cum whilst you touch yourself. And every so often you allow me to take you in my mouth, whilst holding your cock with my hands at the same time, feeling your balls gently, you trusting me with you.

When you tell me to play with myself, it's very exciting. You've already made me very wet, playing with my clit, with my pussy. Teasing me with your cock at times. And then when you tell me to play with me I know that you are going to tell me to stop as you notice that I am getting close to orgasm and you tell me to stop. At first I resist you but you firmly tell me to stop. I can feel the sensations seeping back into my body, slowly, slowly. And it's as if you've just taken possession of a little bit of me. Then just as I've started to ground you tell me to play with myself again, instructing me as to what I should do. You wait until I'm so highly aroused, getting there quicker this time and then tell me to stop. It's even harder to stop but you insist. And so I do. And again just when I'm relaxed you tell me to play. Very quickly I'm near to orgasm and you tell me to stop again. You leave me longer this time and talk about all sorts of things with me. Then when I think you will not tell me to play with myself you do and this time you let me keep playing and then you tell me to cum at the count of 10. You count down slowly and my god! At one you say cum and I do, my whole boy completely taken by the absolute orgasm that's been continuously absorbed into me and totally in your hands. You are holding me as I cum. I long for you to touch me but you just hold me and soothe me.

I am so utterly exhausted with this orgasm.

I know then that you have absolute control of my orgasm."

 

Now I have experienced this both virtually and actually. It is extremely powerful and why is it that I adore the control being with them so much. I feel pretty certain that it removes me from my vulnerability at some level and yet telling him about it is vulnerability. I didn't want to share this sort of thing with any man again until it was a proper relationship. I hadn't even shared this with G. I would hint at things hoping he would pick up on it. But of course it was up to me to be explicit. JH knew this stuff. He was very advanced and taught me a lot about accepting me sexually.

I am forever grateful to him for that but I don;t think he'll ever know.

 

Bliss

XX

 

 

 

 

Flowering wild labels enrich

On the first "date" with G (yes I am missing and reminiscing over the past 9 months - and wondering if it could have worked??) I made a statement to G about the label we give to things such as wild flowers and trees as he told me what this is or that is. I was enthralled but wondering about this labelling that we humans do. Things are what they are, conditions are what they are. Does a label not get us stuck in the label?
Dr G helped me with the moving hypothesis theory. Suggesting that as long as we remember that a label is a moving hypothesis and people say when labelled with this state of mind or other are not always in that condition. And there are many labels that merge into one another, nothing being so finite. In a picture this could be boxes with lids open and sides that are attached and sometimes pervious. I have always said that a label is a way of communicating so that there is a starting point. I have wondered then about the label of addiction. We say we are addicts but that's not all we are. And I am not always addicting. I think the point is that I have at some point crossed that line with many behaviours and substances and therefore can easily been addicting and the label helps me to identify a set of behaviours, attitudes and thought patterns that will be signals of potential danger that can be averted. I think so many people are afraid of the label and some people love to be labelled. It can define them. Fear or attachment of labels are both dangerous in their own ways in my opinion. I've been attached to labels as a way of making my point, excusing myself, understanding myself. It's been a useful and a destructive tool. Labels have helped me get to where I am though today.

And then just studying the concept of language and thought, I have been further enlightened with realisation. Language enriches thoughts. I see how the labels or names given to wild flowers has really drawn my attention to their existence as something of beauty. People call them weeds. My neighbour did yesterday. And yet I am loathe for them to be chopped away beacuse they are labelled as weeds, as to me every petal, every leaf is unique within it's family.

Indeed labels have enriched my world when people have used them to inform me. When they've boxed me with a label I feel cornered and savaged. But indeed if I stand back from reaction their boxing informs me about them.

I truly do entertain labels as worthwhile and how we communicate to each other. But if we can keep an open mind there is room for fullness and wholesome acceptance of all there is to behold

Although I acknowledged with G the comment I made about labels realising at the time that it impacted upon him, I would some day like the opportunity to say what I think today about the wild flower names. I love them. They are so imaginative sometimes and so unassociated at other times. Confusing. But I know that G spent a long time learning those names and they were a place of solace amongst such terors when he was young. He made it his job to learn the names. He has such a brain, a store but not only that he can apply the knowledge retained in creative and clever ways. I miss that so much.

Bliss
xx


 

Measured matter but not why matter matters just as it is. It just is

My name isn't Bliss, but it does for at least some anonymity whilst I write for public view about this crazy life I have that I chose today to call and adventure.
If you read back over these years I've been writing here, I'm sure that a lot of it will mundane, over-emotionalised nonsense. But between the lines there's a lot of profundity. A lot of potential lessons. With a view as an outsider, with the overview of this life I live in, you will be able to judge if the potential is realised to any degree.
I am inspired by peoples inspirations. Just the other day someone commented on FB about the film Romance and Cigarettes.This came to the fore with the sudden death of James Gandolfini. I barely know his acting to be honest but as always with fame, his death suddenly makes his young years of early 50's poignant of all deaths in this way. especially I suppose as I'm in my early 50's. 53 to be precise. Well 53 plus some days and hours and minutes etc if I am to be really precise. How did those many years happen to me. Anyway a point I wanted to make is that other peoples creative discoveries are a sort of introduction and education for me to discover these things. The more I am aware of the more of an education around things I have, by exposure if you life. The more exposure the more discerning I become of what I like. And I have given such power to people that I have actually liked what they like to get their approval. Nowadays that's moderating and I am better able to say what I like and hopefully keep an open mind. With ML if she likes something I am loathe to like it anymore as she gets such a ego with peoples approval of her in any shape or form. Why does this all rub me up the wrong way?

So I've been lying in bed all morning since 5 am. I went to bed just after 10pm. I simply was not able to stay awake any longer. Today I want to really read chapter 10 and then take some notes on it. I want to try and keep the assignment question in mind so that I study it with that in view. And then tomorrow I'd like to read chapter 16 and make some notes on that. It's a lot to ask of myself. So I will actually start at 8:30.
I have plans to visit SS for a walk this afternoon and tomorrow I will walk with AB. It's good that I see other people at the weekends other than AB. For some reason I felt limited but safe being there all those weeks and months before. But AB is limited with her paranoia and desire to drink. Her drinking limits her and I do get irritated. It's such a waste of talent and ability. It's the same thoughts I have of G and JB. All that genius seems wasted and yet that's where they are. I wouldn't say I seem them happy, not even content but that's where they choose to stay. And I could be wrong. The alternative, the doing something about it is obviously harder than staying there.
Gosh that makes me sad as if G were to step forward I think we could have had a wonderful time together forever. But that's gone it really has. The hope for that relationship has truly died.
Even now if he were to step away from some of the things that I found were limiting of me, I think there could just not be a reigniting of anything. Isn't that a strange thing?
I saw the film Romance and Cigarettes. Not a great film. But the infidelity in the end was the thing that allowed him to see he actually loved his wife. And her hatred was actually her hurting for the love of him. When he showed up she could not avoid her love for him. And then he was ill and died. Redemption of true love in the end away from lust.
But this was actually a discovery that G's brilliance was overshadowed by things that just weren't a good match with me. That's the reason for courting. I just do it from the inside instead of the more reserved way, i.e. no sex and intense involvement as in almost living together. My parents so frowned upon this I've thought it was wrong all the time. It was as if like them after 6 months I should get married and make it work. That's what they did despite my mum knowing really it wasn't for her. She left him at the beginning but went back. She was probably compelled to as I have been - but her shackles were of her background - Catholicism no doubt being a large part of the familial influence.
And D said again yesterday the way in which some women flirt is learnt from their mothers. She's possibly got a good point there. My mum was a flirt. With everyone. She flirted with people. I beguile by showing interest in peoples interests and learning more about their interest. I like to delve around finding out what music they like or films or passions and join them in those things. The other day my flirting involved asking LW about music and we spent an evening swapping tunes. I enjoyed listening to what he likes. And then threw a few of the things I've enjoyed. I mentioned art to see if he likes any. He likes theatre and I'm not sure about cinema. It's all flirting. I am more me but also enjoy discovery so feel others introduce me to more. I like new and interesting. Learning about wild flowers with G has really ignited an awareness of the things I've walked by, not unnoticed but definitely I'm even more aware. I like that.

I am thoughtful. and some remorse has appeared in the recent week AG (after G). It's grief I think in connection with my dad being gone and no way of making amends when I now see the error of my past ways including recent years. I have been so filled with resentment and hatred. My behaviour reflected this. I am seeing it so much clearer but with no way of making direct amends to either of my parents. I am truly sorry mum and dad. Knowing that I am helps but its also so sad that I cannot show them in person only to their spirit. I am sure to continue making mistakes but I think my direction is less self-centred.
I feel so sad that G will be hurting in any way. I am probably hugely projecting my sadness for his story so far of rejection since a young child. He has been on the receiving end of what seems like rejection of him. He appears to me to be a raging child without any way of expressing the extraordinarily and talented man he actually is. I have been endowed with the trust of meeting some of the G within that is usually reserved behind a wall of grump and disdain. I feel fortunate and will carry that man forever with me. I am sad that the other parts of him and parts of me just didn't work out. I am truly sad and without LW around I am suddenly able to feel the loss and sadness.
And with it the grief around my dad too. I was fuelled in anger and glad to start letting go of some of that with G gone.
I feel lonely right now and need to sit with that. I was so fortunate yesterday to have a surprise call from JM. I haven't seen or heard from her for some several years now, perhaps since 2009. Yes since April 2009 when I left N and joined P group.
It was tiring but also lovely to see her. She is on a therapeutic journey and enjoying the discovery. She still has so much anger but it's understandable. I liked the way she talked of her parents unit ad she is on the outside. It does make me wonder why people have children. But it's life and each person has to come to terms with their lot and get on with the experience. Me included.
This has been my journey so far. It's not something to be angry with me for or judge. it's juge been the route anad the lessons with it are something to be cherished. I feel that way for everyone more and more. I have such feelings though for people as they are in their pain.

And the relationship with S has evolved further having met last week. We spoke yesterday. We were texting and then had the novel idea of talking. I was nice to know this friendship is growing. How marvellous that techno pen friends can develop real life. There's so much negativity about virtual chats but it's possibly just a broader faster way to meet people. Hasn't human history been a story of everything speeding up decade upon decade. Is it bad? I doubt it it just is. Experience it, adjust. Nature adjusts. We are within the process of creating the speed and experiencing it. We are it's cause and it's effect.

Bliss
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