Nice man

"Hello Universe
Following a conversation today I regret that I didn;t ever say to MH that I thought he as a nice man - grumpy about a lot of things yes and I had never been on the end of what others described as his violence.
I wished I had said to him that I found him kind and thoughtful and very tolerant of his family.
I thought he put up with a lot and I felt sad for him that there was so much venom towards him
I never witnessed the person they said he was.

Can you somehow let him know Universe or create the opportunity for me to tell him that directly.

Thanks"

I had a conversation with E today. She met with P and there was converation about S (my ex partner) sorry if you are confused by she said he said he said stuff. Anyway I know what I mean.
I felt such a huge sense of vindication. I probably shouldn't feel that if I was all-so-ever-so spiritual BUT it was music to my ears yet I was also sad.
P said S is very "sick" (codependent) with his girlfriend. I did feel sad about this as I had been really hoping that he was happy and less riddled with anger. P said that S's girlfriend had previously "tried it on" as they say with many of the guys but S was the one who got hung up with her and her 4 children. P said that S is very much in her control. It's horrid to ehar but also a relief. P had also said that S was not taking any ownership of the problems that escalated between him and I. E was great and said that she had nothing but respect for me the way I have put so much effort into the grieving etc after S. Of course I was angry and wanted to shame him to everyone. I said some things but I have also been able to see my part.
P was also telling E about S and his father MH (who I am writing to the Universe about) making P and the secretary of the business redundand because they were secretly selling the business - S as usual thinking he would make a small fortune. Instead they were offered not even 6% of that - wow I just worked that out on a calculator and I don't know how. I am dyscalculic according tot he fornal assessment and I did that with a kind of automated guesswork. Weird. There is a part of me that is going he he he he snigger snigger snigger. But there is also a part of me that is really sorry for MH. He had built that business to tick over very nicely. Then S came along and treated him like an idiot and just wanted to get rid of the business. S was no business man and whilst I was with him made some real silly decision I thought. Including with our house which he now has a negative equity on and a whole load of problems.
Gosh I hope noone I know ever reads this - they will see the bit of me that is wicked and they will know who I am talking about and it will reveal who talks about who and how. Ugh. That's dangerous isn't it. But it bloody well does go on.
E also told P that I had been hurt as there were a number f people that had been funny with me since S and spilt up. P was surprised and it was nice to hear that he likes me. He had also said to E that his relationship with S had been difficult for some time. And now S is being funny with P yet it was S that made him redundant and wasn't even up front beforehand. It seems to me that there was some nasty stuff going on. I knwo that really S would like to be doing nothing with a whole load of mponey. Wouldn't we all and I think he was always looking for a qucik way to make a lot of dosh.
I am feelinf really like a nasty person gloating and scared of vindication from the Universe for thinkig this way. There is a part of me that thinks I am evil and another part of me that thinks this is a natural thing. I am aware that S thinks I am entirely to blame. I have seen him scowl at me if I have ever by chance driven by. I wave to him and smile he scowls back. He sees it all as my fault. I can see my part I am not in any denial of that and so all this I hear is a bit of relief that others can see it not all my fault.
Phew

Slow slow slow progress with studies. Embarrassed at how little time I can hold concentration with it. WhY? What's going on? I am finding it difficult but I have foind it all difficult all the way through. I am realising that doing a degree teaches very useful skills that don't get taught at lower levels of education - well not to me anyway. And they are really useful skills. I like the learning. Scared I can't hold onto and build upon it as I have such a weak memory.
Recent learning is the way to lable detials and gradually put them inot higher level themes. I have always tried to create the themes and put all the detail into the themes without first working out what there is to be themed - if that makes sense. But I am struggling to decide what detail I have and how to code it at a higher level so that it makes sense. And of course allowing the freedom that some of the detail goes across several themes. Get it?

Right. I wanted to write down somewhere the thoughts following this conversation today and also record for myself the letter to the Universe.

Oh heard from CY on Fru. I used to have a crush on him at school. Got reallys cared by the speed and regularity of the emails in response to mine. I'm the addict and it's scary when someone else acts like me back. Furthermore his attachement with the military scared me as he might have the same "sickness" as my dad and Graham Whelan - mention his name as I believe him to be truly dangerous and don't care who knows. Anyway they both claimes to have military backgrounds and were very scary people. I am sure CY isn;t like them but I was amazed at the past experiences and attachment that was aroused.

Right study study study.

Byeeeeeee

Aaaaaaargh codependence. No concentration

M called. She is having difficulty getting a deposit back if she cancels her holiday. Why is this affecting me? Well we were booked to go together BUT I cancelled, about a mnth ago now. I lost the deposit and the £40 transfer fee from when we cancelled the Peru trip and got a measly £74 back. I cancelled for two reasons the main one being that I just am running out of money and can't deal with the stress paying out for this holiday would have brought when I couldn't really then afford road tax, insurance, MOT etc. I would just hate the holiday.The other reason being the levels of fitness required and I am jusy not there anymore. I am getting too old.
I can hear M's anger. And I think some of that is directed towards me coz she mentioned how it would have been easier to be in Morrocco if there were two of us and easier not to decide to go on the difficult walk if there were two of thst didn't. I thinks he blames me for her lsiong the money.
I am very apologetic that I have had to cancel. I would rather not have to cancel as I would love to be going to Morrocco. There are decisions I took that really were at another level of codependence. I agreed tot he holiday because I didn't want not to be going if M went. I didn't want to admit to being worried about fitness levels and climbing the Atlas Mountains. I wanted t also have an adventure type holiday. I should have let M book her own trip and not allow myself to be influecned by this competitive element that gets drawn out in cerain circumstances.
And no I am feeling so guilty. I have let her down. I have caused her to lose all this money.
Mind you it's not my fault that the company are arguing about a refund when they didn't argue about it with me. It is odd. I do get thigns sorted out financially when M seems to have all sorts of troubles with organisations. I think there has to be something going on there.
Anyway that is nothing to do wth me - trying to put the blame somewhere else.
I can hear M's anger. Of course intensified I am sure by the fact that she has stopped smoking.
Ugh I hate my codependency. It makes me feel so responsible for people. I did book the holiday in all good faith but I did not expect to get so low on funds with no way to replenish the funds.
I don't know if I will ever have enough money to go away oln holiday again. It frustrates me. However, I have so many other things financially and security that really I shouldn't be moaning about anything. But I do. The great divide!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - feeling as if I have caused the other persons feeling and angst towardds me. I don't know where the fine line is on things like this.
I also don't know how to manage the feengs i have about my new job and keeping thigs right sized.
Not a good day - definitely not a good day.

Loft guilt and flashy cars

Thoughts become things. Choose good ones
I have woken up feeling gloomy. I had a disturbing dream. Of course I only remember glimpses of it now. I was the husband and had bought a flashy car to upset my wife. I suggested she try and catch me. The car was more than a car of course (dreams) it could leap all over the place. It wasn't though as speedy as I thought it was as she at times could keep up with me. Then I started to feel really ill. I had some kind of degenerative disease. I was starting lose the ability to use my legs and gradually I wanted her to help me. I knew as minutes were going by that I also was losing my mind and really needed her to look after me. I managed to get to the back of our house. It was built into a hill in a city so the loft was level with the road at the back. L was in the loft wokring at her computer. This made me feel guilt as earlier in the dream when I was a woman, I discovered the loft. It was beautifully kitted out and G my husband had never shown me that part of the house. I had just assumed it was a loft. I then felt really bad coz M could have rented it and G said that's why he hadn't told me. I showed it to M anyway but it didn't have a bathroom and our bathroom was on the ground floor, 3 floors down.
All so weird.

So have woken up feeling gloomy.. Sometimes I am uncertain if events cause the underlying emotion or whether thats brain chemistry and then day to day events and enotions are tainted with that basic feeling. Or are events of yesterday just now beginning to have an effect on y mood. Scientifically I have always thought the latter but I also wonder if there is a gloominess about me that has to come out regardless of the sun, good things in my life etc. And other times I feel happy despite the difficulties of day to day.
Yesterday I received a call from my new emplyers. The first thing was in my references they had recieved notification of a high level of sickness. I blushed but thankfully they couldn't see that. Anyway I explained the recent sickness due to an adverse reaction to medication. I didn't mention the flu I had had back in October/November. I wished I had now. That was another 3 weeks off. I do think though that I was mentally as well as physically exhausted at times doing the work out on the road and more susceptible to the viruses especially working with people out on the street. It will be interesting to see if I have the same level of slow down as often in this job. I think it's a pattern though. Work, work, work and then need a longer break and fall ill.
The other thing that is appearing as the gloomiest news today is that P the manager of the team is leaving. He will be there until the beginning of May. It has frigtened me that she said he is going to do sales and marketing for a competitor. I know P has always said how good he is at business coming from a very successful family business background. He says he knows hi stuff and the family are a very wealthy family so I have always believed him. They know people, well connected within wealthy circles. As I am typing this I am just thinking it is only what he has said and I just believe him and look up to him without really having any evidence. However, I do think he has been instrumental in maintaining a higher level of clients coming into treatment. Now I am scared that a new manager won't be doing such a good job. I will be working for yet another department that gets a bad name and also won't be wokring with a manager who is able to draw the best from me as he/she will be trying to establish themself in their new role.
I am pissed off about this.
When will I be wokring for a good manager. I think I will talk to F about this - clinical director.
Just express my concerns. Will I wait until I start - yes I think I will. Hopefully there will be an induction week whereby I can get a moment to express this.
I will also wiat until the occupational nurse arrives and bring up the virus thing as well as the recent sickness I explained to F.
Anxiety about new job already. Still having written about it I have some sort of a plan.
I will chekc it out with friends as well.
Right back to studying now I have been able to empty my head a little of these issues.

Famous Bell Ringers

I seem to cut off on my last opsting rather abruptly. I write that as if it's a surprise.
I was talkign with E on the phone, typing the blog so that I didn't forget my latest realisation and putting on my boots ready to rush off to bell ringing.
M was waiting for me and off we whisked to the garage of G and A. The usual crew were there, R and G with his funny laugh. And two new ringers R and I. Off course I was completely star struck as I usually an meeting R and real published author. Trying to be cool I chatted nonchalantly as if I didn't know. She mentioned it and I equally nonchalantly said oh yes M mentione dot me. I entered into conversation with her about why she her agent had encouraged her to have a blog. I never, ever expected to meet a famous person bell ringing. Well it's a less embarrassing hobby now ner ner ner ner ner! I have sent an text to tell her as we were both having a luagh about my odd little hobby. I managed to Plain Hunt on 2 bell. I also rang the tenor for one of those dodger methods.
I so so so want to send my ever so overly drafted email to A. I think I am being so nonchalant (no only kidding). I think it's been a little humourous and also apologetic and quite adult. I have said
"Ugh! After picking myself off the floor, following a huge shame attack, I promise to send only succinct emails from here on.
(And at a time when Obama is making words fashionable again!!! Not willing to take all the blame he he)
I was able to laugh at myself once the shame started to diminish.
Poor you - longer and longer emails and more frequent, sorry A.
Thanks for pointing this out."
I have agreed with myself that I will not email until at least Wednesday. Already it's hard for me. I am such a blinking addict. Partly it's because I think I have written such a great email and like the fact that I am owning my feelings and saying sorry and I think this will spring him into thinking I am a great person and partly coz I want to send out that hook.
Well I have agreed with E not to. I can do it. Blimey I cut contact with J and it was just about a year before I was in contact with him again.
However, out socialising, just feel so inadequate. I can sit and chat with people willing to talk at emotional levels, no problem. BUt trying to have general chit chat or knowing anything about politics etc - I am hopeless. The have anecdotal stories that raise a chuckle. If I told them mine they would probably choke on their two peanuts and half a lager.
I think they are realising that I am not as young as they at first thought and treated me. I am sure this is after commenting to T on Friday during the practice that there are only 5 years between her and me. I know she was surprised. I was too. I thought she looks older than my mum when my mum died. I will not tell anyone other than E that.
I am still have so uch shame that I live in social housing. I am sure that's not the word these days. It's not my flat. I pay rent to a housing association. I think I am OK with it most of the time but I think the mwmber of the owners club do judge me. It's not the done thing is it? One is supposed to have made their fortune and have things to show for it. Gosh I have probably lost so much just by being on the run.
Wow it's after midnight pumpkin.
Just want to pay tribute to a special person S and her little mouse. Pleased to have made her acquaintance.

Blushing

My friend E called and asked what I am doing tonight. Squirmingly I said I am ging bell ringing. She smirkily said "On a Monday?!".
It is the most embarrassing hobby ever. And if "they" has said to me that in 8 years time when you have some clean time behind you, you will take up bell ringing, I swear that I would never ever have got clean.
It makes me laugh though. It's such a weird thing for me to be doing. The people are all ordinary somehow. They don't really talk much to me. I end up sitting on my own a lot. I think they really thought I was odd when I turned up on Halloween wearinga witches hat and all dressed in black. I took choccies along and mentioned that I had cast a spell on the chocs. He he he. M did pass a comment, something about there is probably a superstition about withces in churches. I AM NOT A WITCH! was what I wanted to scream YOU STUPID FOOL I AM JUST DRESSED UP FOR HALLOWEEN - GET IT?????? I didn't, I just took off my witches hat and rang bells .
This evening though is in G and A's garage. They are such entusiasts they have their own set hanging in their garage. They are a dinky little sound.
Listening to E and her difficulties around work, it's interesting. Hearing a lot of things I can relate to. I just want to be well managed and work for a professional outfit where everyone does it right! I have always thought that. But BA, Hoggs, even the Saurday jobs Biggs, Rowledge Stores - none of them had it right!
The world is full of fallible people some trying harder than others and I don;t like it. In a childlike way I want that grown up who knows everything and can make it all OK to exist. I hated discovering my mum was fallible. Bit she wasn't really. She was just the best and I dare anyone to say differently. Consequently there is huge difficulty when in therapy if anyone dares go into that zone!
Right off to bell ring with my fallible ordinaries

stampedes and sea monsters

I keep breaking into chuckles, even whilst out walking I found myself laughing out loud.
Yesterday whilst out walking, M and I struggled over a gate to continue along the route we were following only to discover we hadwalked into a field of cows. M said will be OK? I said yes. After all they were behind us. I thought they looked quite cute all looking at us. We walked a little way and I thought I would just check on the cows only to see them chargin angrily towards us. I told M and he he he he he at that point she started running saying what do we do what do we do he he he he he he he. I said get out. At which point he he he he he she leapt like a cartoon character right over the fence he he he he he saying OK! I was laughing so much I couldn't run. he he he he
The cows stopped, I think in shock or mild amusement too.
Later on I was telling M about the bath I had with the herby bath bomb she had given me. I explained that I emerged frm the bath like a sea monster covered in seaweed. As the bloody thing fizzed in the bath water all these flipping herbs rose to the surface. I am still finding bits of herb in my hair. M was in pain laughing at the idea of it. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Now this evening M is laughing at me again. I sent her an email sharing how ashamed I have been feeling - hurty hurty aaargy aargh aargh pride injusry hurty.
A sent a reply email to me saying "is it me or are your emails getting longer. I am no a prolific emailer myself" ugh ugh ugh. He didn't mean to shame me I'm sure but he sure ain't no chatty addict!!! And there I was thinking I was doing it properly.
But hey at a time when oratory is being revered and brought back into fashion by Obama - yes I know emails are not oratory but it's all blinking words isn't it. He he he he he he he he
Well my shame is diminishing as I share it. How embarrassing.
Well of course I immediately decided I would never ever ever send another email to him. Instaed I have decided to laugh at myself and write only very brief, succinct, concise, short, comprehensive, pithy, brusque, to the point emails.
Do you ever get those body judders when you think of something you've dsaid or done that just fills you with shame- well that's what I keep doing but with a smile now as well.

Something to work towards

Both professionally and personally, I would like to adopt the attitude that as a result of conversations I might change.
In other words instead of approaching general discussion or debates with a view of imparting my knowledge and hoping to enlighten someone else, I can approach the discussion etc with my opinions but be available to heat things that might change me.....
It's basic stuff really isn't it? But on a day to day basis I can be so overly opinionated and egotistical.
Even though my job requires me not to be.
This is ongoing work on my part.