Let's run away and eat cake in our burkhas

Although there are a few exceptions, Bliss, the more you do, the more you'll get, by huge margins. HUGE.
So unless an exception applies to you, I say do more.
Huge,
The Universe


Thank goodness for Step 10, oh and Step 9. Thank goodness for non judgemental friends who will look at my part. Thank goodness for the drain in energy and lack of anymore brain power. Thank goodness for reason and sense. Thank goodness for Skype. Thank goodness for fresh air. Thank goodness for courgae, Thank goodness for art and music. Thank goodness for LL. Thank goodness for the Universe and faith. Thank goodness for growth and strength. Thank goodness for friends (again). Thank goodness for JH.Thank goodness for love. Thank goodness for spirit. Thank goodness thank goodness thank goodness.
Why do we thank goodness for things? Goodness rather than badness - nothing to thank badness for except learning. Badnessshows me what I don'twant I suppose. I get consequences from acting out in badness. I feel the consequences of others badness being acted out. Thank goodness for badness. I suppose!

I can't keep up with all that's going on really.
JH and I - more talking, more tears, more reasoning, more of it all. Phew we have been over and over and around and around. We are still together. He says he loves me I know I love him. But shit this is all so difficult.
What is so horrid is that I am left wondering and suspicious. I have felt some distrust of course and know that I need to listen to my instincts. I don't know wxactly what is going on but I am alerted to something. I doubt myself most of the time. And of course when someone really challn eges this and gets angry I oftne back down. JH kept saying I kust trust him and getting angry if I didn;t and yet actually .... blah blah blah. Well write it. I need to get htis out of my system. Actually he wasn't being trustworthy. He told me a lie. I know he speaks of his fear. BUT WHY WHY WHY didn't he tell her. I understand now of course that he couldn;t tell me the truth because he would be exposing the fact. WHY? Universe WHY? I need to have this removed from me. It hurts so fucking much!!
I can only assume that he didn't tell her because he wanted to keep her going along in the background. Not finally let go of being able to have a relationship of some sort with her more than purely friendship.
I am relieved he does not want to continue contact but really scared that if he does then he won;t be able to be open and honest,. I know if her reads this he will be upset and angry because he doesn't like being suspected and doubted. I know and I don;t want to suspect and doubt. I don't! It's horrid to be in this position. I want to trust and get on with other life matters and our love.
Please Universe help me. You helped me meet JH I need more help please.

It would be easier in many ways to just run away.

Well today - I fiound the enthusiasm and impetus to get myself ready to go to Art Natters, despite myself. I had already decied yesterday I wasn't going and so woke up this monring with thatmindset. BUt I know how many things I agree to attend and then bottle out of at the last m oment for fear and hermit hole living.
It was inspiring - two women in their recently acquired studio. I liked one of the pieces of work but mostly I was inspired by J's description of her emotions and how she was trying to capture them and the only way she could find to do that was with paint on canvas. She certainly is soul searching. Well certainly! How arrogant of me. But from what she was saying, indeed I think she actually remarked on how she was exploring herself always.
She spoke about the sensations and emotions she felt when recently drawn on a regular basis to a church. I want to know how to capture the feeling of awe that I felt when I went to the Opera. I can still feel the almost childlike feeling. I couldn;t take it all in, gaspipng it in like gasping in fresh air. Reds, oranges, layers of people, the stage, the curtain, the smell, the hum of chatting and anticipation. Yes I felt anticipation and excitement, just like when I was a child seeing the sea for the very first time. Every sense alert, smells, sounds, touch, tasting the salt in the air. All new. It's a blur too of the colour and movement and splendour.
I also would like to sketch the dream i had. Of 4 JH's kneeling and sitting North, south, east and west of my naked body lying on the ground. Each JH had a sort of pot, which i have managed to sketch. Egg-shaped pots, a pinky clay. Each JH had a hand on me and I could feel their ownership of my sexuality.
Universe, how can this slip away. I have allowed him right into my very core. No one has even been allowed in this far. I feel withdrawn. I feel close this evening but still withdrawn. Actually probably more withholding, scared of being hurt. I tried kneeling at his feet but it felt so wrong. I want to be able to hold him and cuddle and touch but I feel too scared for sex.
Universe please don't let it be ruined - something I have never expereinced before cannot be fake, it just can't. If he reads this, I am scared that he will think thre's no point. I have to be honest with myself though about these thoughts and feelings because if I try to hide them then there is no healing ever and instead just rotting like gangerine. I want nurturing and nourishment not rotting. So out with the feelings. ANd I hope he knows I am not judging or blaming. I am just aware of differeing ways of doings things.
But I cannot grow and be secure without the principles working along side each other.
I hope JH is the one who can do this. I love him so much I want him to be. But I can make it happen with my will.It has to be his choice.

I cannot get away from the subject. How to express these emotions. I have clear pictures for anger.
Disapppointment, jealousy, insecurity, hurt, pain, sadness. fear, loss, more sadness, dispondancy, deflation.
Sure to be others i can note as they become apparent.

I wish I could stop keeping my focus on this. It has rocked my soul. Traumatic in many ways. I understand why that is. I have a scarred soul.

I have had enough of writing.
I want this experience to be over and me to have grown
ANd I hope JH and I will grow together not be driven apart....
Bliss
X

With all this there are times when it would just be easier to stop and run away. I put in effort to learn and grow, effort to stay in recovery, effort effort effort. It seems so hard to keep going sometimes and the hardest of all is relating with others. People and their nuances. If only everyone were straight forward - no hiding, say it how it is. No nonsense. We would all know where we stand.
So to give up recovery and then be anonymously invisible and nothing matters can at times seem most appealing.

Honour

What is honour?
How can we honour people?
What is it to be honoured?

How to keep my dignity? Through choice?

To be gracious - I am not feeling gracious because of distrust requiring abstinence. That stinks.
Why hae I come to this?
I am full of grace.

Simply it's not the detail  it's really not. But it;s become about the detail
Dignity, choice, grace, honour, trust, love - all in two simple spiritual principles
I have willingness to keep practicing these principles - from here everything else can grow

Touch

What a word! What a sensation



How I want my love to hold me, to reassure me. Allow me to reassure him.
I feel so scared.

I am not sure JH will ever know how horrid I feel about him cutting contact with IL. It's so flipping unnecessary all of this. Boundaries. Knowing what that means. Openness and honesty. Not easy to do I know but so simple. Everyone can be at ease and free.

I think we might have destroyed our relationship.
Universe please don't let that be the case??

terrified Bliss

Soul scar

The path to enlightenment is not a path at all, Bliss, it's actually a metaphor for the time it takes for you to allow yourself to be happy with who you already are, where you're already at, and what you already have - no matter what.
Just do it,
The Universe
Please don;t read on if you don;t want to read a self centred soul search. There is finger pointing and confusion and emotions so strong - it's not to be read with any conclusion to be found. It's open ended, it's possibly all wrong, maybe all right, it's ramblings. Read only with that in mind!!
 
Another woman has been involved in the still unhealed wound in my soul being prodded.
My love (the slave in me is so tiny) had avoided telling a woman he has in the past had strong feelings for and to date holds a fondness for her.
This came to my attention though a process of events, seemingly unconnected, then culminating into a picture of my love not being able to be open and honest with me. M/s will be hopping at this. There is no entitlement to anything as a slave. I am not just a salve though. My love, Master tells me he loves me. And within a loving relationships there are equal rights. How often I have agonised over this extreme ends of this continuum.
This has been a dreadful, dreadful couple of days. I HATE how I feel. I HATE what takes place between us when deceit and hiding replaces openness and honesty. It's vile. I don't want to be feeling this.
 
A really nonnegotiable criteria for being in a loving relationship for me is openness and honesty. With these spiritual principles (that's what I call them anyway), there is the potential for trust and respect, dignity and grace. Honest, open communication can overcome anything - all negatives pale into insignificance where there is openness and honesty. I believe it beats meditation.
 
I will ramble this all out. On Thursday I think, MS made contact with my Love. A line appeared on my FB account notifying me of this contact. I felt uncomfortable. Who was this person making a comment on my Love's FB when he had been very clear that he didn't like comments as his students read his FB pages. Quite understandably it would not be appropriate for them to indulge into their Prof's private life. I have never posted anything, nor read really - a quick browse when first we were "friend" on FB. My Love was very upset when I sent a text notifying of this female siting when I used the word YUCH in my text to him (Actually Whatsapp). Yuch represented  me feeling discomfort - another woman I didn't know of and clearly familiar with JH.
Well my questions and his answered via Whatsapp were loaded with anger. My Love with me for what I later learnt was his feeling of accusation. He of course would not read discomfort, jealousy etc in the early stages of triggering my insecurity. My Love's angry reaction was indeed worrying and further triggered my insecurity really as I started wondering why he felt accused - guilty?
We went through a long time of quite heated conversations. What I KEEP saying to my Love is that he can of course do anything he likes, (after all he like all of us are free to do anything we like - interestingly morals come into play mainly. The odd few slip through the net - I wonder here one would put addictions, bi-polar, etc on the table a long with immoral, unboundaried, - blah blah blah I am rambling in a half sleep there so these words were more from a dream.
What is of high importance to me is openness and honesty. Whatever JH does, I ask only honesty and openness. Within the openness and honesty, I am afforded dignity and grace through choices. A choice to leave, but I am not bloody leaving. Au contraire! I made a commitment to stay and that I will unless having worked through any issues or differences. Only if we cannot get further and agreed to disagree would I leave. Having said that I have been toing and froing on the spot if that could be a possible paradox. Absurd.
Anger, confusion, sadness, hurt, suspicion, anxiety. The situation evolved through this feelings to a statement in anger from JH, my love saying I could read his emails. Ugh! I felt dirty but wanted to. Whilst discussions continued this idea was going around and around - yes, no, yes not. It's so wrong but he offered it, albeit in anger. Ra ra ra in my head. Eventually I said yes thank you I would like that. More ugh!
My head is spinning that the order of things no longer really matter, but today sometime JH, my love (oh my gosh how I love him) sent me transcripts of his conversations with I. This is something that my love has never done before with anyone and he faced a fear. We had been talking about need ton face fear when being open and honest and he mentioned how he tries to control - people pleasing. OH God! The destruction of trying to keep everything level. BY trying not to hurt anyone, more people get deceived and kept away from the reality. My love often says that things will become apparent if there are things to be discovered. Well these tings do pop up from time to time and each time I discover something that my love has not had the courage to reveal. All this does is create suspicion and destruct and yet he is getting angry with me over different times for not trusting him.
Openness and honesty creates trust. Secrecy and deceit, conscious or unconscious breeds distrust and devastation sometimes.
So I discovered that my love had not told IL at all that he was in a relationship with me. Yet he had told me months ago that he had told her. On 16Oct he mentioned to her that he was no longer with his Swedish GF. There was a brief mention that he had met someone else. Like a stab in my heart, the realisation that he was maintaining this relationship with someone he had told me had fallen in love with. He had fallen in ,love with her he said during the time in which he was in a relationship with ES, who he also had thought he loved.
All this stuff is revealing itself by default. It's as if I have to piece it together bit by bit through interrogation. It's fucking horrible to have to ask questions all the time.
JUST BE OPEN AND HONEST!!!! Whatever anyone does is OK with me just flipping well take responsibility for it and TELL me!!
I am exhausted. I can truly truly sense that something is going on. I keep telling myself to shut up because my love so sincerely tells me there is nothing and I must trust him. I would flipping well trust if the action is trustworthy.
Oh wow I am so hurt and frustrated in my hurt. I get defensive and want to run when someone is unable to be truthful with me. If the transcript is real then there is so little to have to hide from me. Then why???? And now I know he has not been telling her about me that is not OK but at least we can discuss it. He can decide if he wants a relationship with someone who wants openness and honesty and to be FULLY a part of his life. If he doesn't want that he has choices too - his dignity. But at least I can have choice.
It is not OK for me to be allowing full intimacy with a man who has another woman who is has very fond feelings for. He loves me.
He has these feelings for IL - what happens to those and they are maintained all the time there is secret and not fully honest contact. She knows nothing of me and the  depth of the relationship JH is telling me we have.
He is deceiving her too.
It's messy.
He asked me what I wanted. I said I wanted to be in an open and honest relationship. That I could not continue with him if he wished to continue contact with IL and this is another things he has done. He has copied me in on her reply.
I am so so confused. I hate that this is what it has come to - it is absolutely ridiculous. If only he could be open and honest it would all be unnecessary.
I have been suspicions that he had not edited the transcripts. I wondered if there was editing to the emails. I hate that I think like this. I HATE IT!!!!!
I feel betrayed. My trust has been broken (again) and that comment alone would make him annoyed. Yes again. The necessity to try and hide his photos on his camera. Not telling me about ES's visit and then how often they were seeing each other. And he wanted to see her to finally end the relationship. ES still really not finalised, IL since goodness knows how long, ME. Wow! And then he had mentioned his friend in Australia and going there but he had not even hinted at a woman and even less that there had been some kind of romance involved even if brief.
So FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! I hurt so much - my heart, my soul, my spirit.
I am so reluctant to close down, I want to stay open and deal with the hurt and repair.
JH asks me to help him - that is so scary. He seems to get it and then it slips away. He says he is boundaried but waivers as in this encounter there is room for improvement. My concern is that as he seems at times unaware, he is unable to make the adjustment to be boundaried. And so then the need for no contact on my part. And this I hate i hate i hate. If he was able to be boundaried and adjust his way with his female friends then that would be all OK. This requires complete transparency - each of them knowing the important details and me knowing whats  going on generally. Its so so simple. Telling me and IL vagueness creates suspicion. We can sense missing information - hiding and deception. It;s so uncomfortable writing this. It's not a finger pointing exercise. It's just bloody typing out my feelings and thoughts, in an attempt to get some clarity. I am getting it. I hope there are not too many wounds between us??? I hope that these things can heal. I HOPE - I love him. I would like us to be able to go forward.
My doubt comes from whether I can go through another pain like this. And my doubt for my love is that I am finding it difficult to trust. How on earth do we get beyond this??? Universe HOW? Please please show me what to do and how to be? PLEASE
If only everything could be out in the open, then I have the opportunity to say what is OK for me to be in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship with a man who is emotionally intelligent (tick), who is open and honest (a tiny tick and a bigger cross), adventurous (tick), humorous (tick) creative (tick) kind (tick) gentle (tick) spiritual (tick). I want someone who loves me and who I can place my love with (tick) I want to be with someone who wants a monogamous relationship (tick he says and I want to believe).
 
If IL's response is complete and genuine, even she had sensed something more than the facts being presented. It need never come to the extremes it does if only my love could love me and be open and honest.
 
 
I have been hurtling through this since Thursday. Hurting, pain, confusion, uncertainty, anxiety, frustration.
 
I have no idea how to be now?
I feel sick. I hurt on the inside.
JH said that only through the virtual world has he come to feel any self confidence with women. It's an irony really. Only at this time in our life - the passing of time and events - are we able to be together. Yet it's now my love, my real love seems to be able to explore his confidence - it's very compelling. Being liked by so many people and I suppose wanted by many etc etc etc.
It hurts so much. I want him to want just me. BUT ..... I don't know what happens next. I hope we can get beyond this, that we can have an openness and honesty and loving relationship. That true trust can begin to develop.
I am reminded through all this that vigilance is imperative. SL can be a temptation that a single person cannot remain strong or empowered around.
 
I am just feel at an odd end - which way to turn, what to do. Just one step at a time. Keep breathing. I just want him to love me. I want to feel secure in that love.
Please Universe .....................................
 
unhappiest ever Bliss
 
How amazing that when JH spoke about him seeing me as strong and having a great life, I have never felt so bleak. So suicidal. What is the point?
The end is death. I welcome it. How awful to say that. But this struggle called life is damned hard work.
Hurting from my very very core. The man I love - well he says he loves me - but love is an action too. A great life. I don't really want nor need anything great. I want simple and loving with intimacy.
Intimacy requires being able to being who I am
I hope for my love that he is happy and free. I wished that could be between us - i keep hope.
But wonder if the events of these days have ruined all that was good.
I AM HURTING like I feel I could die.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Horlicks with Val Doonican

I think I am posting this tonight for the sake of posting something. I am becoming emptier by the day.
I noticed at work how little I was tracking the group. I felt deep sadness listening to one client and incredibl irritated by another. In fact I noticed how easily irritated I was by A and how disintereted I was generally.
I was hopping mad with PD but for little reason. He was out all day at a management meeting. He did not ask me to stand in for him. On the one habd this was good as often I don't embrace the stress the job brings and also that PD wants to redo everything himself. He has probably heard me loud and clear on this. Furthermore, I have been mentioning how affected I currently am by hormones.
BUT - (there is a no-win here)
I also like my ego stroked by being asked. How painful it is to keep admitting this sort of thing to myself, I get a fix out of being a someone for a while when he's away. And then the sense of achievement hen we pull it off even if it isn't entirely PD's way.
But I also have stress and panic in case I get it wrong in PD's view.

So anyway in my grumbly state I refused to do anything remotely connected - except at the very end of the day Dr B asked me if I would assess one of his clients. Of course I could. The client was very very resistant!!

Looks change, Bliss.
Beauty lasts.
Gorgeous,
The Universe

Another bod on the bus

When the issues of someone else's life have you tied in knots, Bliss, it usually means it's time to start focusing on your own life.
Doesn't that feel better?
The Universe
 
It reminds me that other peoples business is not my business unless they make it so.
It reminds me of how my insecurity keeps me focused on what Master is or isn't doing when he is not with me.
It reminds me of how much energy I could invest in myself to be OK with me.
Thank you Universe

I am not very connected to me yet again this evening. Events are happening, well that's life! Yet I am uncertain of how I am about everything.
I met with JB and gave him my old phone. He is unwell, I handed over the phon. I had no desire to stay and talk and in fact couldn;t get away fast enough really. Nothing to do with him simply I have little going on in my head.
I went to the cafe - ordered and coffee and something to wat as I knew I wouldn't get home until late, I waited and the D arrived. I handed over the swag bag. Phew! A relief after all this time to have done the responsible thing. I never had any intention other than to get the money back to the meeting. But it got delayed, then delayed a little longer and then even longer. Then it became a little embarrassing and then even more embarrassing and the too embarrassing.
Well anyway it is finally dealt with. And as D says noone other than M and herself know anything about my unmanageability I can return without the shame.
Whilst I was there having coffee, SH walked in. He did not see me immediately. I mentioned to D that he was there. She remarked that he had seen me and at that point he left. It's not pleasant to be on the receiving end of his anger and obvious dislike for me. I take some comfort in the fact that a number of people have said that they no longer hear from him or thay have grown apart. It is my opinion that SH has a lot of anger and does not face  his anger in the way that I have been looking at my own. Knowing his story, I have empathy for him. I would just prefere it if sometime soon he could drop the blame that he puts upon me. We both have a part in the way things turned out and it does not help my own self belief - I believe I am always in the wrong - that he continues to hold a resentment and he shows this by ignoring me. We so rarely encounter each other these days, it just seems like energy that is so negative. Perhaps some time in the future he might be different.
It's not surprising that I dreamt that during a similar encounter he smiled and started walking over towards me. I remember feeling scared but then I don't recall what happened next.
I arrived home. Master was dealing with a very personal situation. I sent a message to ask if he was there so that I might tell him I was there if he wished to summon me but he was clearly very busy.
I turned on my computer ................
Master was in SL.  He had told me yesterday that he had been to SL but said nothing this evening.
I know Master will read this .... I am writing it because I have all sorts of uncertainty about what and how to think and feel.
I had visited SL the other day and Master had told me he was disappointed. Now he visits twice in a row.
I told him I was visiting, he tells me once not a second time. What does this all represent to me?
Once again it's not the actually entering of SL - it's the openness of what is going on.
Of course Master was busy dealing with a personal situation BUT I signed into Skype to leave a kiss hello and then he was no longer in SL but saying hello to me.
I read all too much into these things I am sure.
I would like to just put it all aside.
Perhaps Master wishes to be in SL - I suppose I feel disappointment. Master said he felt disappointed when I entered SL even thgough I had said I wasn't going to. In the greater scheme of things it's nothing. Master says he loves me, wants to be with me and invests his time into our togetherness. And the fact that he didn't say  he had been into SL
There's such a big thing about SL. There is a lot of wonder about SL - fun things to experience.
But it is also a place where people meet people. Some are simply friendly encounters. And I have met smoe incredibly lovely people and maintain contact with a couple of them.
l is also a plave where people are very flirtatious. Master states categortically that he is very boundaried as he is not an available man. ..... It'sust a funny feel that he is in SL. Master said on Sunday or Monday he had been in SL and was sarting to clear his land?
It went through my mind that as I had gone in against my own commitment not to, perhaps this was then his opening to go to SL. Even though MAster had been thinking about not entering SL before I had suggested, it somehow seems that it wasn't really such a commitment as an idea at the time. I have been a little confused about whay he meant about not going to SL as since then he has sounded less committed about not going into SL. I have wanted to ask but I think he will think I amke a big deal out of things that he thinks are less than important.
SL is a big forum for people to meet people, have close encounters and liasons. It's not all that SL is about at all.
I wonder what Master was disappointed with me about when I went to SL?
I wonder what his reasons for not going to SL were originally. He said that his reasons for going beack more recently were something to do with his land and on Sunday or Monday whenever it was it was to pay his rent and start clearing up.
My reasons for going back to SL were as I said the other day triggered by a person I know very fleetingly now experiencing Sl as a newbie and wanting "live" contact with her. But also PR is me and right now I feel so horrid as me real me that she is a way of being without having to be in my b ody. So there is an element of getting our of reality. Furthermore right now my mood is down bu when in SL I was down as well.
I didn;t feel uplifted by the brief covnersation with YF.
So I wonder what Master really wants. Why did he suggest not going to SL and then what was his reason for relaxing that decision for himself. What was his disappointment in me for going there? I am not writing this for him to read although I know Master reads everything. I am just trying to empty the thoughts and hope for some clarity within my own thinking around thigns that happen.

Well as I am very aware - nothing is making a lot of sense to me right now. I can not get clarity through thinking things through or even talking things through and writing things down is at least a jumble of thoughts down in words rather than floating around and around. Doesn;t mean though they are any more sensical.

I am too too tired to really have any clue what goes on with me.

Another bod on the bus refers to being equal with the rest of the wolrld population - not less than and not more than
Self esteem - with rights but without demand.
I like being an anybody - not a nobody and not a somebody.
I heard a man share that once when I had been talking about my own social nervousness. That self-centredness that people would be considering and judging things I said or aware of me being very quiet and awkwatd in certain social situations. And maybe people are observing and making judgements. This man said that he is learning how to be simply another bod on the bus - no better than anyone else, no less than anyone else but comfortable just being there just for who he is.
Yes more and more I get this sense. But I have to keep ego in check. It is of course related to the Freudian ego but not completely the description of ego as per the "rooms".
P (Spain) described Ego as a belief system that is a lie.
Freud talks about ego being the centric youngster who as a baby the world does revolve around and the ego demands - food, cuddles, warmth etc and expecys to receive. The ID drives the demand. BUt the go makes these into wants - where there is a flimsy super ego - too boundaried not boundaried at all there is a distortion.
Well the Ego spoken of in the rooms is not dissimilar - but the Ego oftne is the cover for a lack of self esteem and worth. It manifests in different ways. Superior and grandiose. King Baby!!
Learning to reduce that or at least be aware and then choose to reduce that is my job. And there is so much freedom not having to pretend - just being more and more acceptant of me as me - not superior and not inferior.
I am a bod - I have my place here amongst others - I am not poo on the shoe just as I am not Queen of the land he he
OK got to go.
None of this makes too much sense which is the state of my mind

Only 14 days...........

Ramble ramble

Bliss
X

The dance of being loved by another

Everyone, Bliss, lives the life of their choosing.
Not just what they chose, but what they're choosing.
Game on,
The Universe



Master awoke me at 6 am as he does every morning. I heard him calling through my dream in which my friend Atilla had been murdered!!! I am heving incredibly busy dreams. I was also so tired I didn;t think it could possibly be time to wake up.
Master wanted to look at me but I felt I am so wretched right now I tried to hide from him but this meant that he would not allow me to see him either. So of course I showed myself.
Master told me what he was doing as he placed his hand on my lower tummy with his finger just in the beginning of my slit. In his other hand he took one of my breasts. I felt completely his. It was a comforting feeling. Master knows that I am feeling so horrid at the moment.
Master said he wanted to make love with me and asked if that would be OK. I said yes of course and apologised for being so lacking in energy.
I am very very grateful how Master is so considerate of me. And not with high expectations of me too.
When he told me he must leave I really thgouth I would not see him until he summoned me this evening but then Master decided to sit and eat his breakfast with me beside him. I feel so much love for Master. I am very pleased that he seems lighter in himself. Master has seemed so pressured these last few weeks. I have been concerned about him.

I just noticed the sunrise - incredible how these colours are really felt deep inside me. The same with the autumn colours. It's as if I can breathe them in and then they swirl around and ignite my soul, like crisp, fresh air can fill my lungs. It's a similar feeling but somewhere so much deeper and even more a part of me, it's my spirit.

Last night when Master was speaking with me, he asked is I was fulfilling my slave responsibilities. I felt very ashamed but had to admit that I was not. I asked Master if even though I am feeling as I am I had to comply. Master smilingly said that he had not told me I could stop. I groaned and he smiled again. I really am having to do this ebcause I am a slave at this time and not because I am so willing. And yet I have chosen this commitment. I suppose I could ask to break out but it's commitment, commitment, commitment. Not to run when the going gets a little tougher. But PHEW! It feels difficult right now.
I woke up tired. I woke up hrting. I woke up and I want time at home just doing nothing for a few days. I realise now that when I was working with N - twice a year I had a couple of weeks of feeling really ill. I thought it was a virus but the symptoms were not dissimilar. I may have got a cold when already feeling so achey, and lethargic, and headaches, and general mallaise. I really would like time off work now but as they don't pay for sickness (grrrrr - sure it's not permitted) I cannot afford to take time off. With N it was always 2 weeks. I would always think that a week was plenty long enough but actually it took at least 2 weeks. There were times when I did have a flu-like bug too but I am certain that it occurred when my ebb was low. Last year at this time or towards the end of November I developed Swine flu - the start of SL. Leading me towards meeting Master.
Well I have to continue with my work regardless of feeling quite unwell. And I am to continue with my slave requirements. Right!

I feel increcible love for Master at this time. I have found it odd yet interesting to observe how the love between us changes - up and down - more or less - close and further away. It is a dance. Sometimes it seems that we are very very much in love and floating. At other times, it seems a little flat.
I have come to observe that it is not at it's fullest all of the time. This is usual I suppose. I have thought that if I notice Master isn;t so much in love with me then he is losing it completely. And I have thought in the past the same for me. But I am beginning to realise that life things happen and moods alter and things go up and down.
But it's not as extreme as I have always imagined. If it's less than full it doesn't mean it's time to leave.
This is a revelation to me.

What I am wondering now is how to manage these shifts and changes. If there is a lowering of love feeling, is it time to just notice and be anyway. Is it necessary to men tion anything. I wiould be afraid to say to Master that I feel less love. I also realise that it is not a feeling generated by him. The feeling is in me. Master has been himself when last my love was feeling lower. So it's not anything he is doing or not doing. And I need to remember that for myself too.
When something he is doing or being does evoke a feeling in me it is possible to speak about that - open communication as much as possible. But when it's just shifting emotion - well I can sense the shift in Master I am certain. Not always accurately narrated in my head of course!!!

I need to go and get ready for work.
Master is well on his way and wll see me this evening I believe

Poo it's hard to get going. My tummy aches - not inside - as if it's stretched - well it is.
Bliss
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