I think last night you were drawing circles around me.

Words of a song - actually couldn't decide whether I like the singer or not which means I probably don't. A lot of the female singers these days leave me unable to determine whether I like them or not. I think they all sound so similar. Some lyrics stand out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VA8uaumikU Kirsten Hersh - actually re listening to her it's not bad. But it's all the same pace - mmmm not being inspired really


AB recommended Rumer - she sounds very much like Karen Carpenter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxBTLzMEsrU&feature=related

ET recommended Duffy - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhZ5-L9znt8 - wow powerful lyrics. And there is something slightly different about her in a familiar way though. I think I relate with the pain of her song more than enjoy the song itself. Let's try another ..nah - boring voice - always the same!

Ha ha ha Francoise Hardy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aLoezucIzk&feature=related

Wouldn't you think writing a Blog would make things easier to locate. Uh uh. I cannot not locate something I wrote about.

Last night I spoke with JH. Gosh it's so painful. I want to be with all the wonderful things about JH I love so much. I feel such loss. I keep thinking this is such a big mistake, that if he can do things differently and if I can bear all the things I am struggling with. I truly believe we can get through things together. But his emotional attachment elsewhere is too big for me at this stage in my own development. It's seeming too big for us. He is unable to hold me within it all as well. I wanted him to be able to hold me but he has too much of his own to hold. God! my heart is broken.
The funny thing is that I think because he and I have been so close he will not believe the things I say that I see. He will think there is an agenda. I can see the ways in which he is drawn and I felt them so strongly and how he is not giving himself a proper chance to get to the point of emotional acceptance. He just isn't ready yet to make the necessary changes. He is holding on holding on.
Well its not surprising - not wanting to lose something and then compromising so as not to lose everything. Painful. Same feelings and thinking I am going through but not with decades of togetherness as well.
And then I think actually he is probably relieved - that he didn't really ever feel strongly for me anyway. After all we met under such murky conditions and all so fleeting. And he says he has never done what he has done like he has with me - flying over here I know he was referring to.
I feel angry - it's not with JH. I don't know where to put the anger though. I want to put it on him but it's not his fault. He is where he is and how he is. It's not his fault he isn't available to love me the way I want him to. I am angry and so it turns inwards. I can feel it.

Poo my tyre is completely flat. Phew Tim has offered t help me put on the spare. Damn thee are no tyre places open today. The one in Farnham is the one I trust. I should have sorted it out when it was just a slow puncture. Damn my disorganisation. I am at work most of my days and it is so frustrating. I have so little time and when I do I am feeling exhausted. I do not like this energy rain I am in at the moment. Please God can you lift it from me and keep it away forever.
I was talking with a friend about how people say we can whatever we want. The Universe says this. Think about whatever it is and already you are beginning to manifest it. I agree with having ambition and desire and by thinking about things we can start to put things in place.
But I want my mum to be alive and I cannot have that. I want my dad to get honest and love me, I want my cousin to not have Cancer. I want JH to be able to love me fully and openly.
See wanting all these things is not meaning that they will manifest as I want them to. It's bullshit.
What I do know is that whatever happens in life and death I will be OK. It might hurt, or disappoint or even a host of feelings that seem difficult at the time BUT whatever they are I will be OK - in that I have faith.
Ugh God please release me from this pain. I want to feel OK NOW!!!!!!! I am truly broken hearted and it hurts like hell. I cant be bothered to do anything and yet I know I just have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
So JH suggested we speak next weekend. It seems so horrid - so long apart. I miss him. Everything seems OK for him - he still has all the things that are truly important to him around him.He can keep trying to hang onto them and not make changes. He says he wants to change. I know how difficult that is. I truly understand.
Make the transition from lovers to friends. Phew that's hard.
It's somehow an easier relationship in the long run maybe. It's certainly easy with Andy and John. I am not attached in a particular way. ML ET AB AM - well the friendships are true love. We fight at times in our own ways but they are totally dependable. They are them and I am me. That has taken time to develop. Perhaps JH and I got involved all too quickly and so didn't allow the friendship to develop at all and know whether we really like and love each other. There are many things I like and love I just am not OK with the emotional situation and how he has treated women albeit he hasn't realised what he has been doing.
As Duffy says you are very loving but you don't love me. Phew I wanted him to love me as I love him. We could have been great together.
I hope we can be great friends instead.
I am hurting so damned much - when will this go away.
Right bath then wait for Tim then late arrival at ML's for dahl lunch.

Oh and did i tell you how much physical pain I am in. It's difficult to find things to be grateful for when in physical pain. I am not OK with this physical pain. Something needs to go away.

Oh I bet JH is relieved now that he doesn't have to deal with a person he considered to be mental!!!! That's my anger and how hurt I am about his opinion shared with another stranger. I am still really fucked off about that. It's my own issue I know. The ignorance of people around depression. Not being ignorant just not knowing. But instead of talking to me about my private business he chose to speak to an ex flirt. Damn that pisses me off. Not a close friend another of the women he has met in passing. Phew that stinks. I wouldn't dream of talking to a person any less than the most important people who I really know and can rely on with privacy and integrity - not some flit by night contact however long they have been talking. Bollocks to that!!
I am sure I am over angry about this because it's somewhere to flip out my anger - I need a fucking release for this anger.
And then I think anyone reading this will have something to comment about anger - well yes I am angry!! And I am bloody pleased that I am able to acknowledge it and let it out. So many people think anger is not allowed and bad. Anger is absolutely appropriate and needs to be accepted and let out. Otherwise it stays in a stews. Anyone who says they are not angry is lieing to themselves..
Check out the research if you don't believe me.
Anyway who cares if people judge me harshly or negatively - if they do they don't know me. I am wholesome. Sensitive. Spirited. And proud of it. Wholesome by the way means yin and yang. black and white, positive and negative, good and bad. I accept that in me and there is a relief in that. Not trying to act as if I am perfect. Far from it just working towards it until the day I die.

Bliss
x

Roads to Rome

http://diane-arbus-photography.com/







When researching psychological information about transvestites, up popped Diane. It always interestes me how all roads lead to Rome. I had ben talkign about Diane Arbus' photographs with SH at work weeks ago. And now completely unrelated research turned up the name again.

A nice day with my friends AM and ML - great walk around Hascombe and Busbridge etc. Lunch at the White Horse - well fantastic food although Thomas Lord is still the best in recent months. Crikey - feel the pain immediately as the visits recently there with JH were really nice. Loss and hurting.
It keeps rising through my heart and hurts throughout my body. I trust that I will be OK and can get through this pain. Phew though it's hard. Really really really painful. I wish I didn't have to lose him.

Anyway. The walk was fun, interesting listening to my friends chatting about their things, their choices for the next few months, their uncertainties, their wishes. We spoke about ageing and I was talking about how difficult I find it to reconcile this ageing process, the skope down. But noticing the changes - what's quite good he he he, is that changes I am experiencing now I am 50, they are experiencing in their early 40's. I think I have been fortunate to date that actually I have been held quite naturally fit and youngish for all this time. They are ageing as I am ageing but I think my changes are faster now.

Happy New Year!

Well I have woken up with a longing for JH. Unhealthy things I am doing - checking his Blog, sitting wondering who he is replacing me with now, oh blah, blah, blah.
And probably wriring this. I noiced someone from Sweden had read the Blog. Well if I don;t want strangers to read it I can block it but at the same time a Blog is for reading.
So as you can see Universe I have started off in 2011 with confusion and too much thinking - hahahahaha.
So wriring this is a reminder to stop.
I need to rush out soon anyway. I have a nice day planned - looking forward to friends and chats and laughs and countryside.

I had a strange dream this morning. I drove my toy elecreic car to the station to get the platform tickets. I was watching myself drive the car in. Often during my dreams I flit between observing and being actually in it.
I didn;t understand why I was going to get the platform tickets in advance. Anyway I parked the car actually at the end of the queue.
I was behind a number of people. Some of the people queuing were tkane into the ticket office to be shown how it all works. The woman was very lou and excitable. She wathced her tickets get produced. The man in fornt of me was very tall. He went to take his tickets fomr the till thing and the woman said he's trying to steal my tickets. He was very tolerant it seemed.
I started walking away on remembered my toy car. It was gone!!
I then started a frantic search for it. There was only one way they could have gone as suddenly I was in a massive construction. It turned out to be an enormous shopping centre
I got to the top and was precariously climbing some steps up around a pillar. I could eaasily have missed my footing and fallen. All this time I was now actually in the dream
I wonder if I start as observer and gradually get involved. Mmmm I think I do.
I then met someone I knew on his bike and I think he said "is that your car". Now it was a big shiny car with a registration plate but still not a road car. Some kids had it and were driving own a long wide passage. I asked im to ride after them and stop them. They we re only little. He said we both needed to get there to round them up.
Anyway we did and I shouted "oi". The kids were boys, dirty and not pleasant. Anyway we took the car from them. They were pushing it and were asking how to make it work. I just glared at them. They had made it really dirty with sweet sticky stuff which I started to lick. Someone said those boys had dirty hands. And I suddenly felt sick.
I woke up.

Strange dream - with lots of scenery flashing past my memory that gets ingnored in my description.

So I am hurting I my heart and missing JH. I send him love and hope that for 2011 he has a very positive year and is able to move forward with everything he wishes for.
I hope that during this year I can gain strength and trust that the Universe has in store for me some wonderful things with happy positive emotions I can feel. Not all painful lessons.
I am very very grateful for the lovely meeting last night and reminders that all I have to do is the next right thing and painful feelngs do pass.
I want to be in a relationship. I wanted it to be with JH. I hope we can develop a great friendship and who knows what the future can hold. I just need to get neyond the pain I feel of not being with him.
My thinking keeps taking me back to asking him if maybe we could make it work. I re-read some of my older posts and the distrust I feel when he seems distant. And when he is truthful it has shown me that my instincts have been correct - He is such a lovely wonderful man in so many ways. All those things I cherish and want in my life.
I think it's very difficult that thre is so much distance physically between us.

Universe there are thigns that I would want - I need to talk to people and see what they think of my wants and needs. Thank goodness for recovery.
I know I am full of shortcomings. I am nothing but sorry that these shortcomings mean I am unable to be with JH uner the circumstances of how he is. To me there seems to be a wanting in him of women around him. And somehow it doesn't seem as if thats respectful for the woman he is with. I seem unable to deal with that part of him.

I saw a friend and really love the realtionship she has with her husband.
They are so very close, they laugh a lot, they deal withe verything together, she only has eyes for hima nd he for her. It's not a fairytale either - its real! They are in love and it shows. They have been together now 5 years and still in love. They are truly growing old together. It's fun. The trials in life they face absolutely together.
I know H divulged herself even more into CoDA when she met him. I need to do more CoDA again. It's where solutions can be found. I stopped attending regularly.
I am committing to more regular meeetings attendance - I am concerned about study time but to be honest my recovery is sacred - without it I stop learning and growing. It's more than recovery, it's actually unpicking dysfunction. Thats what CoDA helps with. Helps me to find me - more of the real me than I have before.
It's the journey we are all on I guess and this is just a way, another way of continuing along that journey with some good support and guidance. The thing I love about it most is that it's not a religion, there are no heroes or gurus, there's just a group of people sharing their own experiences. Some further along the jounrey that others. And I see hope amongst these people.

Have being feelign so low, and thinking suicidally I am pleased to be reminded that these are painful times. I am losing the man I love. I cannot stop loving him I just am unable to deal with the way thigns are. So these painful feelings mean that everythign seem ultr difficult.
Well I need to keep gently nruturing myself. Its not nice feeling how I do. Not nice at all.
I wanted to go to the US I wanted to be with JH I wanted for us to have a future. And now that is not possible. And it hurts. It's sad. It's loss and grief.
It may seem silly as we have known each other less than a year but actually I put my everything into him and I don';t think he would even have kniown that.

Well I need to go. Crying hurting

Confused Universe.
Bliss
XX

Thank goodness

I have been to a meeting and heard so many things I needed to hear - I have hope and inspiration.
I felt very dark and suicidal.
A coffee with a good friend - laughing at self. Listening. Talking about how I am thinking and feeling.
A little light relief.

I miss the man I love.
I am sorry that I am just shit at living and that I forget how to not be shitty etc.
I regret that I seem not to be able to deal easily with the situation he is in. I know it is my difficulty with things the way they are.
I have no doubt about that.
It's horrid that earlier situations have left me with a distrust. I would still love to enjoy all the great thigns that I truly have felt between us.
I want him to know that. But I feel so much pain with some things the way they are. Trust and respect take time to develop. To truly feel those things and it takes good communication.

Blah blah blah - I have committed myself to put more effort into recovery. I will increase my meetings and make more calls out for support. IIt works and gives more than could ever be believed. And tonight I witnessed that all over again.
I loved till my tummy hurt. And I chatted with people with a strong feeling of love.

How lucky I feel this evening to have that. It does not deflect from how much I am hurting. But I know I can gain support.

It hurts to be so distant and losing my love. Is this the right thing to do?
I have no idea. I just know that I keep feeling hurt and his situation and how things have been in the past have been painful for me. I am not ignoring in that the situations and how difficult they are for him. Grief, parenting, wanting to change. Phew it's a lot. Then to try and maintain a relationship and changing ways within that.
Yep I appreciate it - and I am not perfect so make mistakes with my own hurt and efforts.

I want more than merely friendship - but maybe he is right and the timing is just not right. I trust God that what is meant to be will be.
 broken hearted Bliss
Grateful for recovery Bliss
XX

Happy New Year Universe

Empty.

HB is pissed again and desperate.

A man has been arrested in connection with the murder of Jo Yeates. Never to be forgotten - another person killed by evil. I cannot reconcile this. It makes no sense at all.

Her landlord - Chris Jeffries. 65 retired teacher of English. Quirky chap apparently.

I feel sad and lost. Very flat indeed. Hurting. I feel loss and stabbing in my heart.


Who wrote me into this flpping story?
At this point it's not good for me!
I want to disappear,
I don't want it at all.
I am thinking only a fool
Would dump me off here!

It's been a while

JH arrived Thursday evening. We have had a lovely weekend. His flight home last evening was cancelled and despite brave efforts to navigate the airport and piles of people collecting there, he is with me again tonight. And will remain here now until Wednesday. Nearly a whole week.

JH panoramic iPhone pic

Walks an talks and novie watching, This picture was on Saturday, snowed into the village and haad to cancel our plans to visit London. Boo Hoo!! Lovely walks in the snow though.

We talked about slavery and ownership. JH released me when he left SL. We had not discussed it again since then.

Strength God Help Me Please

Everything to write about and no words to say it ....

I am very very tired. I am not very able to deal with life on life's terms. I wish I were a better, stronger, more capable person.

Why is it so damned difficult - murders, rapes, child abuse, abandonment, torture, war. People! Cruel, selfish, greedy, oh I can't even be bothered to go on.
Then I meet someone I enjoy being with. Share some interestes and inspires my curiosity. I like to be curious and discover and enjoy learning from others ....
BUT
Man! I am not good at relating with people. He is the way he is. His circumstances are what they are.
I think though it is not OK for me to be with someone who at given the right circumstances would return to his estranged wife.
That surely isn't a good position for me to be in. Sadly I wasn't able to trust JH easily from very early on. He found it difficult to be honest with me and others about what his position with various women.
Oh I can relate to not wanting to tell the entire truth incase someone else disapproves and they reject me for some reason. The irony is that the secrecy and lies are worse! Ha. How I have upset my parents and friends at times by being secretive and dishonest. And yes they may not have liked my behaviour or choices etc etc but the deceit is a deeper wound. I learnt this within my family dymanics - wow my dad was the biggest liar I have ever met. Scared of being discovered as inadequate I believe. And then lying becomes a way of being - compulsive. Loss of self completely. Pathological.

Anyway this is not about that at all.
When I learnt that JH feels that he still has some emotional attachment despite his intellectual knowledge of his seperation from his wife, it damned well hurts.

I sensed something - first thought is it's me and don't be stupid. Then detect a change in the air and just little behavioural changes. Oh shit I can't be bothered to write it all.

I flipping well hurt like hell. The pain keeps rising from my heart into my throat and then spreads throughout my body.
I have no idea how to accept things as they are .... it's just not OK for me.
Yes I can accpet getting to know each other gradually and taking things over time - his children etc etc. But toing and froing of emotions attached to other women especially his estranged wife - well I seem unable to deal with that - maybe someone else would be able to - If only he were truly emotionally available.
The decefit earlier on in our relationship does not leave me feeling strong to be able to work through the ups and downs of this deeper motional shfting. He says it ebbs and flows , comes and goes - when it is strong in him it hurts me like hell. Why wouldn't he be attached? And there is no time period for a person to let go. But he is not ready it seems to make break away changes. He is still emotionally invested and uncertain even what would happen if his wife suddenly wanted him back.
I am unable to deal with that - it feels like a noose around my neck and at any time but I will never know when, maybe never, the chair will be kicked away.
It would be easiest to stop allowing people into my life. Just become an observer from a distance - no more participating.

To be honest God I have no flipping idea. The pain is fierce. I miss him already.
I keep thinking of the things I am losing ....... my love, an intimate friendship, a person who I can allow into the inner recesses (but who is not available to do so). POO!