Monday, 7 February 2011

Making a round window to the outside world



http://artisnotdead.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html

Tilda Swanson

Nick Knight



What an amazing world this is - I was feeling a little down even a lot down as I left work. So I called a friend. We had such a lovely. gentle and warm talk. We laughed. I had infront of me breathtaking skies. The very deepest cerise sky. Suddenly I felt serenity wash over me and through me. Thank goodness for friendship. Thank goodness for the willingness to keep putting the action in. Thank goodness for Higher Power.






Higher Power is around me in so many forms.
Soothing me
Briefly bringing me relief from my hurting heart.
Feeling warmth and serenity
My heart beating strongly
The love that I feel
And with a smile instead of a frown
No tears in this moment of bliss
An instant of not longing
Simply love
Thank you God


Bliss


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Girly chit chats

From Bliss to DA -DO you love each other do you think? What about being in love? This may be too personal and I am not prying. Just interested. I have felt real love for JH but on discovering dishonesty, the love has brought with it at times pain and anger. What's worse is that I kept on believing him when he said he was doing this differently etc. and each time some another lie would become apparent in some peculiar manner. It had become so so painful. The fun and easiness seemed to be getting depleted for both of us I think. But I continued to believe in the love and wanting to work through and beyond. I have become confused. I would like to be loved and to love.
 I have had a series of relationships. In fact at points in the past I rarely gave myself time to get over the first before meeting the next. And to be honest DA have not always acted in ways that today I would consider decent  - as I got deeper and deeper into my own chaos with addiction I crossed my principles and values which in fact compounded my self-despair and contributed to my justification to "use" more. So I have been to a very dark side of me, a side I never did like. I don't believe that one is subjected then to a lifetime of punishment when changing and being more true to myself but at times I have wondered if there is some come-uppance and I am being made to feel this pain. I really don't hold that to be true in my heart. I do not believe in a punishing Higher Power. When there is punishment involved it shrieks to me of my father and brutality.
I did actually meet and have relationships with some incredibly wonderful and  decent people but don't notice at the time. And then there were others that were as low in principles and morals and attitude. I got lower and lower.
I have wondered if humans can be together for a lifetime or is this some delusional religious rule that was imposed. Mind you I was watching the BBC documentary The Human Planet and there are people there that commit to a lifetime. I also saw a sort of controlled infidelity amongst a particular community in Niger. I found it fascinating as well as being interested in the psychological views.
Maybe that's a contributing problem  - as a psychologist and therapist I have a lot of theory and questioning. I don't actually believe this to be true as I know nothing.  But I do find human beings so fascinating!!!

I see some couples who seem to me to be totally in love still and know each other so well but are not owning each other, simply two people together respectfully. I see others who clearly can't abide each other. I see others who sometimes it's OK but communication is not on the agenda or even togetherness. I see some who are just in a permanent state of anger. And others who find ways to make it work between them in various ways - that sounds like love to me too.
What do you think about all of this DA. Love, in love, togetherness etc. When I am an observer I do have a real interest to know what it is that's going on.
Anyway I will be patient "younger" DA. I trust that if I am to meet or have met the person who I am compatible with then it will be evident. In the meantime I am very OK with me (except too fat right now :) )I get these menopause symptoms and I have no self management with this!!!!! It is a very annoying pattern I cannot seem to break.
DA its lovely having you in my life once again. You are a lovely person - did you know that?

DA to Bliss: Thanks Bliss. I watch Human Planet too and I think that the less you have in life the more you make out of it. Some of these people live in small isolated communities that for most people would be unbearable -but these people are so happy. They live simple uncomplicated lives. They work hard and relax with family and friends at the end of the day - simple. The whole community comes together very week to enjoy themselves in the social club. They might not have accumulated any money - so what. Their family will look after them in their old age. What would they spend it on anyway? I think we have complicated our lives with false ideals. Keep things simple and be happy.
Love. yes, I do love AA very much even though sometimes I could strangle him. It is not a passionate love - we both work hard and at the end of the day we are knackered and just want to go to sleep. I find it hard to relax and if I am worried about something at work etc. I can't just switch off. AA keeps his worries to himself - he doesn't tell me when he's stressed. He's not a 'talk about your feelings' sort of person. I suppose it is a 'being together' that we are both comfortable with and are used to. We're happy. I trust him.

I am really enjoying being in touch with you and the others. We still have that 'childish' sense of humour and I have a giggle everyday at the comments. I look forward to seeing you all and I bet there's not many old school friends that keep in touch like us. When I moved away from Farnham to Wales all the friends I had here were AA's friends apart from friends at work. So it is great to have some of my own :)
 
I suppose what AA and I have is a normal relationship for a couple who have been married for 20 years on April 6th.
 
Bliss to DA: Wow and amazing - "normal"?
DA please explain this concept of normal that I have absolutely no idea about. My relationships seem to be more unusual rather than abnormal - and by that I mean friendships - it's one of the things I like about them very often is their individual quirkiness. And the truth is I like things out of the ordinary - but that brings with it it's own issues perhaps. Want to know more about normal please????DA to Bliss: .

That's the 'thing' Bliss. There is no normal for 'everyone' just normal for you and your partner. If you are happy and comfortable in your relationship then it's not abnormal is it? Perfection is what we look for and it's something that just isn't there.
Bliss to DA: Mmmm yes I agree that perfection doesn't exist. Or rather that it exists but is elusive until death perhaps??? There are always things that can be improved upon. But without that making what is a disaster or even an I also think that it is something to be worked towards - probably never achieved but that means as we go along as individuals we can take inventory of ourselves - making adjustments when disappointed with self or if they way we impact on others has a negative affect that we also don't like. Sometimes I affect people but actually I am OK with how I am. At other times I do not like how I have behaved or an attitude I have adopted.

I think this can apply similarly within a relationship. There are two individuals and the third part of the relationship is the "us" part. And stopping to observe together how things are for each other and what might need some investment of time or thought etc is surely healthy to keep moving towards the best. Perhaps I am just weird? Some people say that it should just be easy - and I agree. I think wanting to observe and adjust and negotiate etc with the right person can just be easy. To me this is all intimacy - closeness and then the intimacy can move into all areas of the relationship - physical, emotional, and even spiritual (not in the religion sense of spiritual)
I have spent a lot of my life being dissatisfied with my lot and always looking for the next experience or wanting more or different. And I am much more level these days. It takes effort though and sometimes I get stuck in perfectionism. I need people around me to challenge that and ground me - which I know is a difficult task for the very strongest of them!!! I am not under any disillusion that I am an easy person some of the time.
Mmm just spouting some thoughts.
And how wonderful that you and AA have been married for 20 years this year. That is something to be very proud of - shows that you two do work at this thing called togetherness in all its unique shapes and forms.
Do you think you two have similar values and principles? Are there things that you have vehemently disagreed on but been able to agree to disagree?
I hope you continue to be comfortable with this conversation. I find it very interesting getting your very grounded perspective on things. I am not so centred I realise. - I imagine everyone who knows me would sigh with exasperation at that comment tee hee. Mind you most people I know are also off the wall at times - who isn't?

DA to Bliss:
If you can look back on something and not want to have changed anything about it, then I suppose it must have been 'perfect'. I don't think it's possible to have or want something and say it's perfect - things change and it might not be perfect tomorrow.


AA and me have not had to sit down and negotiate - I suppose we have never felt like we needed to. I don't like arguing, but that doesn't mean I'll back down. I stand up for my rights and sometimes you have to agree to disagree in a relationship. AA likes arguing, but over the years has come to know that doesn't work with me. I think about things a lot before I act on them. I am a firm believer that you should never go to bed on an argument/disagreement - you never know if those last words of anger before bed will be the last words you ever exchange.

If you are satisfied with who you are then you will be satisfied in a relationship. You have to learn to accept yourself - doesn't matter what went on in the past. You have grown and learnt lessons from it. Time to move on and be happy with you.
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Really interesting sharing of ideas and attitudes .....

Will ponder more on what I have gleaned through sharing with a friend. It's so interesting hearing from others with different experiences. I have been looking to change for some years now but realised that I didn't know what to change to and or how to change. Thank goodness for the fellowship - how that has initiated change and the opportunity to learn from so many other people - taking from different sources what looks to be what I would like. Always room for growth and ultimately to be more at ease with myself and therefore grow into this world as it is.
Working towards acceptance ......

Bliss
X


Sunday, 6 February 2011

No longer a slave

Since my love JH has become more distanced, of course I have also been set aside as a slave.
I miss having a Master but somehow in trying to manage both love and my total slavery to him things have deteriorated. As teh loving relationship moved into complications so my Master was gone too.

As his slave I never expected anything at all. All I ever wanted was simply to please my Master, As much as I wanted to be the best I also was acutely aware that his business was not mine. If he wanted to talk to me about anything in his life, that was his prerogative. And I relished and cherished the opportunity for him to share with me, to feel special to him that he wanted to entrust me.

I miss my Master. I miss his control. I miss how his voice was filled with authority. I miss how he allowed me to cuddle up in him over the ether after he had utilised my body just how he desired.

Not only do I mourn the loss of my love, but I also grieve over the loss of my Master and all the incredible lessons I learnt through my submission to his power.
I feel a lot I have not learnt is at my fingertips but I just can't quite see what it is ......?

Bliss
X

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Threads






Alicia Ross

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Mismatch

Ha ha
I have just learnt that my new tutor is a neuroscientist - 20 years of brain research. And there I am writing notes about neurons being God's doodles.
Think we will be miles apart.
It's really lovely that there is an offer to speak about things in detail over Skype and otherwise email or leave messages with questions and concerns.
My last tutor was also very accessible - the one before that was not at all. She just didn't want to do anything more than mark the essays and be at the tutorials.
Glad this one seems more available - well physically if not on a different brain wave!!

Night
Bliss
X

Planet of the neurons - God's art

 I think these are so so pretty and unusual. And we go to the depths of the deepest seas and aim for the outer linits of space looking for these kind of things. A micro world, interdependant, beautiful and weird and wonderful. Incredible. God's odd doodles? And then they have functions and cause behaviours and thought and consciousness and link the inner with the outer. And wow! Miraculous. Yet we people go about everyday things without giving a though. Just to type this all the action potentials that are lighting up along axons and triggering neurotransmitters through my body and from my senses and into the brain where masses of electrical signals create signals and on and on. I wonder if any of this will sink into the long term memory. I hope so. Although without an exam this year it feels less pressured. But I realise as I read how much I have forgotten from the previous section and it is important to start developing tyhe knowledge so I don't have to keep going back.
So if I can keep images of God's doodles and art and installations etc. maybe that will help me to remember. Please?

Motor neurons - efferent - ie send messages fromt he brain (carry instruction)
Sensory neurons - afferent - send messages via CNS to the brain (carry information)

Hormones
Hormones are chemical messengers that regulate bodily processes such as growth, reproduction, metabolism, digestion, mineral and fluid balance, and the functioning of various organs. In animals, hormones are secreted by organs, tissues, and glands of the endocrine system directly into the blood by and carried in the bloodstream to target organs. Once there, they alter the activities of the organ or regulate the production of other hormones.
Hormones aid in determining an animal behavior patterns and also the probability that a particular behavior will occur. Hormones exert substantial control over the following behavior patterns: parental care, territorial behavior, metamorphosis (in insects), foraging behavior, and circadian rhythms (behavior patterns that always occur at the same time each day). Most hormones fall into two main categories: peptides (chains of amino acids) and lipids (which include steroids).

The Endocrine System

The endocrine system produces many hormones. The major endocrine glands are the pituitary, located at the base of the brain, the thyroid and the parathyroid in the neck, and the pancreas, adrenals, and gonads (reproductive glands) in the torso. Hormones are also produced by the stomach, the small intestine, and the kidneys.

The Pituitary Gland
The tiny pituitary gland was once considered to be the "master gland" of the body. Today, scientists realize that the hypothalamus modulates the activities of the pituitary. The pituitary gland is composed of two lobes, the anterior pituitary and the posterior pituitary. The anterior pituitary produces six major hormones, and the posterior pituitary stores two hormones originating in the hypothalamus. The pituitary's target endocrine glands are the thyroid, adrenal gland, and the gonads. Through these glands it controls the growth of the skeleton and regulates the functions of the thyroid and the gonads. One pituitary hormone, called growth hormone, must be secreted in just the right amount for normal growth in childhood. If too little is produced, the child will become a dwarf; if too much is secreted, the child will grow to be a giant.

Thyroid Hormones
Thyroid hormones stimulates oxygen consumption and metabolism, regulating the growth of body tissues and the rate at which food is burned to provide body energy. They also increase the sensitivity of some organs, especially the central nervous system. If the thyroid becomes overactive, it produces a condition called hyperthyroidism, which causes nervousness and irritability. Another thyroid condition, cretinism, is caused by a congenital lack of thyroid secretion. It is marked by greatly stunted physical and mental growth.

Insulin and Glucagon
The pancreas produces two important hormones, insulin and glucagon. Insulin affects most cells in the body because it is involved in the metabolism of carbohydrates, proteins, and fat. Too little insulin results in diabetes, a condition of high levels of blood sugar resulting in weakness and dehydration. Too much insulin causes very low levels of blood sugar, resulting in weakness, anxiety, and convulsions. Glucagon raises the blood sugar level. Together, insulin and glucagon help keep a normal level of glucose in the blood.

Adrenal Glands and Gonads
Hormones in the adrenal glands control the concentration of salts and water in body fluids and are necessary for maintaining life. They also produce sugar from proteins and store it in the liver to help maintain resistance to physical and emotional stress.

Hormones found in the gonads control sexual development and reproductive processes. A fetus's sex is determined by genetics, but certain hormones produced by the gonads (under the influence of the pituitary gland) must be present for the fetus to develop appropriate sex organs.

Early Discoveries
The term hormone (from the Greek for "to spur on") was first used by the British biochemists William Bayliss and Emest Starling in 1904. The duo coined the term to describe the action of a digestive substance they had isolated called secretin, which stimulates the flow of pancreatic juice. Scientists later realized that the first hormone to have actually been isolated and synthesized (artificially created) was the adrenal hormone epinephrine, identified by Japanese American chemist Jokichi Takemine in 1901.

Beef insulin hormone. Most hormones fall into two main categories called peptides and lipids.

The isolation of the thyroid hormone thyroxine in 1914 by American biochemist Edward Kendall marked another important milestone in understanding how hormones work. Too much or too little thyroxine can cause illness. One of the earliest thyroid disorders diagnosed was Graves' disease (a disease of the thyroid gland resulting in increased size and activity of the gland). Its cause is unknown, but it is believed to be an autoimmune disorder, and it occurs most often in women. Graves' disease often results in bulging eyes, tachycardia (fast and irregular heartbeat), and thickening of the skin.

One of the most well known developments in endocrinology was the isolation of insulin by the Canadian physicians Frederick Banting and Charles Best in 1921. Soon various types of injectable insulin were being used to treat diabetes.

The 1920s also saw the discovery that the pituitary gland stimulates the sex organs and the introduction (in 1928) of the first pregnancy test. Soon after, the relationship between female sex hormones and the menstrual cycle was explained. Working from this relationship, Gregory Pincus would introduce the first oral contraceptives in the 1950s.

In the 1920s and 1930s it was also learned that the adrenal glands contain hormones that control the concentration of salts and water in body fluids and are essential for maintaining life. Adrenal hormones are also essential for sugar and protein formation and storage in the liver. They also help resist physical and emotional stresses In the 1930s, Kendall and the Swiss chemist Tadeus Reichstein both isolated one of these hormones, cortisone, which is a steroid.

American researcher Philip Hench used cortisone to reduce inflammation in rheumatoid arthritis and other connective tissue diseases in the 1940s, making cortisone the first hormone to be used medically.

Synthetic Hormones
Scientists eventually learned to make some hormones in the laboratory. Vincent Du Vigneaud, an American biochemist, synthesized the small pituitary hormone oxytocin, which regulates milk production in the mammary glands and causes uterine contractions. This led to the synthesis of many larger and more complex hormones for medical purposes.

Today, hormone production can be automated, yielding a great deal of synthetic hormone at a rapid rate to meet increasing medical demands. Patients with hormone deficiencies can often be treated effectively with these artificial hormones. Diabetics, for example, receive insulin. Patients suffering from dwarfism are given human growth hormone. Oral contraception combines the use of estrogen and progesterone to prevent ovulation and thus pregnancy. Hormones are also used to treat infertility.

Fascinated, wowed, amazed, stupefied, inspired
Bliss
X





 

Powerless over people





PD is on holiday and I am standing in for him. In my zealousness I forgot that I am facilitating Aftercare this evening and so put in place a number of things to do this morning.
So at 6 am I awoke with a start of realisation. I dozed but each time with anticipation of 9am and being able to phone my colleagues and asking them to make two important phone calls.
I have a pretty tough situation, only 1 person in group. We have some Daycare 3 days per week but it's trying to have a group to sell. One assessment and two calls from family members who report sadly about replapses. Unfortunately they present me with unwilling clients! PD said it would be hard. I find our "product" easy to sell because I really believe in what we are doing and how we do it. But it's not so easy to sell when there is no group.

I have JH on my mind eery minute of every day and even in my dreams. I hope his return to work today brings something positive for him. He told me that he has many things he needs to face. I stand back.
Universe I trust you know what you are doing I am sorry to myself that I continuously wrestle that with you.
I actually feel calmer standing back and letting things hapen as they will. I would like it if I could do that more. I am a very scared little girl.
I still feel JH hold my sex, my base chakra. I am not sure if it is memory of him holding me or if he still owns that?



I enjoyed AA last evening. I am enjoying it more and more recently. Each meeting I have been to I have received some new knowledge or felt at ease with humaness or heard somethign useful. I definitely have related. This in itself provides me with a useful connection to people. I was able to share about the sadness in my heart and how crazy I become amidst mty hurt and pain. I am seeing it clearly. I do not like how I behave. It is OK to be sad, it is OK to be angry. It is not OK to go on and on and on wnating something that just isn;t available to me. Wow how that pierces my heart over and over again. JH cannot know how much I love him. Well I suppose it doesn;t feel like love when my behaviour is so - ugly? I don;t know what to do with such enormous sadness. I want him to change his mind and want me - that makes me smile. I want to be special to him. I want to be one of the most important people in his life second to his children. I want him to be honest and open with me.
These are things that come to mind that I want. Stronger than even desire. But who am I to be able to enforce this. I don;t want that! I want JH to want this himself. And if he doesn;t then I don;t make it very clear I supose that I accept that - of course I do but with a heavy heart of course!
I see how he will see my behaviour as undesirable. I find it very ugly. I feel ashamed. I do not know how best to behave when I have such powerful emotions.
The amends is not to do it anymore as sorry is an empty word when I keep repeating the same ting. I mean sorry b ut my eotions become more powerful than I. I have thank goodness started to re-chaannel energies into change. I am very grateful for this knowledge. I feel sorry for the longing in me that I have not channelled energy sooner. And I am sorry to JH that I haven't as well. Somehow I continue to need to feel such immense pain before I turn towards the solutions. But I don't seem to go to rock bottom which is progress (ha ha - at least I can laugh a little at msyelf sometimes).
I am very grateful for AA. And I will get ot CODA on Friday.

I think I will consider - see how reticent I am - having an AA sponsor again for a while. I was so affected by the last sponsor AW when she shared details of my Step 4 wth another person. I was aware that she was unlikely to keep personal things personal as she talked about a lot of things that she knew. In my inexperince and desire to be loved I thought when she was talking to me about the others it meant that she loved me. I was very discreet with the information because deeper down I knew it was wrong that I knew such treasured things about other people. So although I was urt that she betrayed my deepest secrets, I was not shocked or surprised. Iw as very pleased I spoek with ehr about it. I was then surprised at her behaviour. It was a potential lesson for me not to put people on pedestals without really knowing them. She was a wonderful person in all sorts of ways. She did show me love and started me on a path of learning self love. I also feel sadness as she was ironically not so loving of herself. She was generous with the little she had. And she could be very funny. She was also hard working.
AW brought a lot into my life at a time when I needed a lot of loving and attention. She wanted a daughter and I wanted a mum. In transference only. We were both a little screwy at the time I think. Well I can only speak for me. I loved her for all that she was. She was disliked broadly for her gossiping and I had never known this until later. I was blind to it but learnt so much.


Hooray the sensible me left a message with Reception to get SH or AW (I know same intitials but not the same person) to call me when they get in and SH has called me! I know it's simple but I can fret and not be organised so I am pleased to take take this into action. So handed over the two important calls. And I have left it with SH to decided if she just calls to postpone my call or if she wants to handle the situation herself. There are only two clients so the team are not really stretched. I have been feeling that SH is less and less enthusiastic to work recently. I hope she is not discourgaed there as I truly like working with her. It is not such a great company to work for so I am sure like me she is keeping an eye on potential new employment.
I am sad that it is not a great employer. I love my particular job and our team. Yes moans and groans at times about individuals and no doubt they have moans about me. We have supervision to be able to expel all that. But unlike when working for HR International with whom I had lots of grips but a real loyalty to. They did there utmost to look after and invest in employees. And in return they got some good staff staying and building with them. People in a compnay of that size and numbers of staff of course come and go. Lots came back.
One thing I forgot to handover - supervision - we need to organise the time with P. Oh well I can do that at 13:00 when I arrive.

I want to study a little now.........

Bliss
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