Eroding banks of a well worn journey.

Life's so called "tests," Bliss, aren't really tests at all. And to dispel a common misconception, they certainly aren't given by me.
They're just the facts and circumstances one has unintentionally crafted with their focus, that, ever so conveniently reveal powers not yet claimed and understandings not yet grasped.
Amazing how these things work themselves out, huh?
The Universe
  Mmm Universe I know - life is life. Nothing is a test or a practice ground. This is the real thing. I don;t believe the Universe or Higher Power puts anyone to test. As the reading says situations, events are the manifestations of earlier situations and events. Today is contributed to by the past and tomorrow is contributed by what we put into today. So in theory if I am aware and make conscious choices towards the healthier options there is a better change that tomorrow will be fulfilling. No guarantess though as there are the unpredicatble others not to mention the unpredictable unconscious as well as the possibility of mistakes.
It is what it is.
:)

We don;t always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes, we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.
We all have days when we cannot push any harder, can not hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.
There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don;t want to get out of our pyjamas. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger. Those days are OK. They are just OK.
Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.
Today, God, help me to know that it is OK to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart".

I am glad to remind myself of this in this reading from The Language of Letting Go. I was beginning to believe once again tat it is not OK to be how I feel and that I am in the wrong for so being. But actually my strength does come from allowing me to be just how I am. I am enough. And when accepting how I feel I am then better placed to reach out and seek support.

Just a quick reference to JH. I had a thought about him having met someone new and not being able to be open about that even though there is nothing between us now than friends. I felt a stabbing in my heart and the longing all over again. This indicates my feelings still, as if I needed to have a reminder. But I am also able to remind myself that just as I said there is nothing more between us than friends or working at being friends. JH may not even want that I suppose. And I guess there is the learning about this for me. And as such what JH is doing is none of my business unless he makes it my business. Furthermore, I will trust unless shown otherwise. JH says he wants to be honest now and also says that this takes practice, that he cannot get this "right" all at once. A friend I suppose stands by with a smile and patience. It is not hurting me whether he his honest or not now. I can let go.
Phew. Relief.
I do wish him all the best with the next two days of what I know for me would be difficult matters of "business" but with emotions attached.

OK going to watch Grasslands - episode 6 of the Human Planet - a remarkable documentary in my humble opinion
Bliss
XX

Me?

Real Emotional Girl – Randy Newman




She's a real emotional girl

She wears her heart on her sleeve

Every little thing you tell her

She'll believe

She really will

She even cries in her sleep

I've heard her

Many times before

I never had a girl who loved me

Half as much as this girl loves me

She's real emotional

For eighteen years she lived at home

She was Daddy's little girl

And Daddy helped her move out on her own

She met a boy

He broke her heart

And now she lives alone

And she's very, very careful

Yes she is



She's a real emotional girl

Lives down deep inside her heart

She turns on easy

It's like a hurricane

You would not believe it

You gotta hold on tight to her

She's a real emotional girl

Beguiling Uncertainty

TUT says that uncertainty is beguiling. It's funny because I used to thrive on uncertainty and when things became certain I would shake things up. Yet the uncertainty is also frightening and that's because of a lack of faith. I am really trying to practice my faith right now having been through a very difficult emotional time. I didn't like the chaos I felt and the trauma I go into. The uncertainty is always beguiling if I hold onto faith.
What I was talking about with ML the other evening is how she and I are similar in that we have not had a lifetime's experience - people, place or things. We have had a lifetime of experiences. And maybe that's our journey, nothing staying the same. In fact despite thinking I want that every time things have stood still is when things need shaking up.
I realised with SH that the relationship was changing and I was trying to change with it. SH seemed to want me to stay how I was and was not dealing well with me having new and different interests and he had no faith in me. With JH it was different. There was no stability in him. I am not having a dig at him. JH was not able to be honest with me or indeed others, therefore it was difficult to put trust in him. It is never possible of course to put 100% trust in a human as we after all human and changeable beings. But I think it is possible to be a dependable and honest type. I haven't been in the past and still hear myself tell white lies - all not really believing I am good enough as I am. Blah blah blah.
Anyway when I have some clarity which I do right now I see that I am fortunate that my life has in some ways suited my personality. It's always been a moving adventure. I would like though to meet someone who wants to be on the moving adventure with me - a companion to laugh smile and trust with. I have great friends to do this with but it's not the same as how I imagine an intimate loving partnership. Maybe I will never know but I have known intimacy and love and friendship. For that I am truly grateful.

I laughed at myself last night in the meeting. The chair was very bombastic (and on the continuum I would say it's the flip side of enthusiasm). He was telling though. HE was saying how he thought the fellowship let him down to begin with because no one grabbed him and started telling him what to do. He was very sharp and critical and then in his chair was telling how to do recovery. I was wriggling in discomfort listening to him, wanting to respond with showing up the differences and show him how wrong he is for me. I knew not to as it was my issue. He was just stating his. But it once again pointed out to me a. how wonderful the fellowship is as there is enough room for all types to be themselves with their own needs and wants. b. that I have this issue with being told.
Sometimes it's as if people talk to me as if I don't know. They assume that if I have a feeling that is one of the say more difficult feelings that I have to get it fixed!! Or they tell me what to do as if intellectually I could never have thought of that. They tell me like I have had no life experience.They tell me like they know what is best for me.
I really gets up nose!
I get very irritated and become stubborn and if its people I know well I become rebellious. That's been in me since a little girl. It's as if they do not listen to me and see me as an individual. They don't enquire about my needs and wants. Ah yes it's more about me changing because it suits their needs and wants.
It's different say with AM. She listens and identifies and suggests things that she has done but also has heard me and my specific situation.
I try to consider this at all times in my work. I am not so good in my private liaisons with friends. I think I tell sometimes what needs to be done. It is difficult too as sometimes its possible to see what others are doing and the pain that is bringing yet there is a way out for them.
This is my codependency. Both being told and telling. Let go!
I did last night. I laughed at myself and if there had been time I would have shared back with that humour. What is lovely about that is that I could see there and then. I didn't have to go away, rant and rave with someone else and be resentful. I was able to see me in the moment - well within the 30 minutes he was sharing. There was another guy who shared really well and funny but boy did he go on meaning there was little time for many other shares and I know two or three people who are harbouring a lot of pain.

Solving Problems - Language of Letting Go
I ask that you might help me work through all my problems, to your Glory and Honour

Many of us livevd in situations where it wasn't OK to identify, have, or talk about problems. Denial became a way of life - our way of dealing with problems.
In recovery, many of us still fear problems. We may spend more time reacting to a problem than we do solving it. We miss the point; we miss the lesson; we miss the gift. Problems are a part of life. So are solutions.
A problem doesn't mean life is negative or horrible. Having a problem dosn't mean a person is deficient. All people have problems to work through.
In recovery, we learn to focus on solving our problems. First, we make certain the problem is our problem. If it isn't, our problem is etablishing boundaries. Then we seek the best solution. This may mean setting a goal, asking for help, gathering more information, taking an action, or letting go.
Recovery does not mean immunity or exemption from problems; recovery means learning to face and solve problems, knowing they will appear regularly. We can trust our ability to solve problems, and know we're not doing it alone. Having problems does not mean our Higher Power is picking on us. Some problems are part of life; others are ours to solve, and we'll grow in necessary ways in the process.
Face and solve today's problems. Don't worry needlessly about tomorrow's problems, because when they appear, we'll have the resources necessary to solve them.
Facing and solving problems - working throgh problems with help from a Higher Power - means we're living and growing and reaping benefits.
God, help me face and solve my problems today. Help me do my part and let the rest go. I can learn to be a problem-solver.

What a great reading. I know people who try to say thatb one is in a higher state of being if everything is looked at calmly. But it seems to me its a way of denyng problems as underneath all sorts of dysfunction is taking palce to try and give the semblance of calm. I knwo others whoa re just drinking the problems away. I get traumatised easily by problems. But this is when my eye is off the focus. I can see that in recent months. I took my focus off recovery and thoght I was all OK. Instyead of turning to recvovery for resourceful problem solving I tried to control it. Yuch - so ugly.
Actually today I do feel calmer and in the day too. I have really found solutions but I needed the support to do it. i used to think that was weakness and at times still do. But actually it's a really lovely feeling to have true serenity.
It helps too that menopausal symptoms have lifted. I think this is a problem for me. And the incredible hormonal shift brings with it a fuzzy head. Clarity of mind fuzzed over from time to time.

OK enough - need tog et ready for work and do a bit of reading. Have a chance to get ahead again as there is a half term week allowed for.

And furthermore I am fascinated by the workings of the body.

Byeeeeee
Bliss
X

Hear you breathing me asleep

I always advocate never creating monsters when there are none, Bliss.
Primarily, of course, because there are none.
Boo,
The Universe

The romantic in me has held onto the memory of me lying and listening to JH breathing beside me in his slumber, holding me close to him. The safety I felt being with my Master and my love. And now that is gone. I will practice listening to the Universe breathing me to sleep. Memories don;t have to induce sadness only. I can feel a mix of the loveliness and joy of that feeling with him and sad that it no longer continues. Grieving towards acceptance.

How does this relate to there being no monsters? I am not scared in my home right now. I am scared of aloneness and how I traumatise at times through my emotions. But I am also very pleased that I am much more aware and can seek real support to level out. I successfully survived everything for as long as I can remember so did try and do everything by myself- privately.
Now I take delight in being able to reach out and allow myself all this everything I sense and feel. It is being human and it's the steps towards acceptance.
The monsters can't get me anymore if I don't let them and sometimes I need help

I would like to add to this that monsters can also be the looking for the difficulties only. I think it's important to acknowledge what is difficult and sometimes I focus too much on this because I think a lot of people try to overlook problems and issues. But it is not necessary to hold onto only these things. I think everything is on a continuum - for example stubbornness can be at the other end determination - . I also think the difficulties offer growth as it creates and opportunity for awareness to develop. I also think ease and contentment gives room for rest and soul joy and its a time to consolidate and assimilate. I suppose at some point nothing will seem difficult - it will simply be what it is. I think this is gained by traveling the path - reminds me of the journey of Siddhartha.

Bliss
X

Be careful what you ask for ...

Step 11 - prayer and meditation -
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

I heard this read out on Saturday and this morning the thought of expectation has floated across my mind. Someone shared about the part expectation plays in disappointment.
I am disappointed that things have not turned out the way I had wanted them to with JH. He and I were just not the way I guess we had wanted each other to be.
Yes I know this again! I am sorry for all my friends who hear nothing other than this at the moment. This last 9 months or so has been really big in my life. I met JH without any expectation and then the way in which we interacted after a while tempted me into hope which I think became expectation. And when it was not met I have fallen into a pit.
Step Eleven suggests not to pray for anything for the self - ONLY for knowledge of God's will for us.
I prayed to meet someone. I feel that I would so like to meet a person that I can share living with - experiences and thoughts, emotional responses to situations and events, to laugh with - etc etc etc. I will always remember what ET's grandfather said - well you can if you want ask for anything at all. But what you have to realise is tat there are probably many many factors and people involved in providing what you are asking for. And if anyone person is not quite listening to properly (and probably no one is listening precisely) then what results will not necessarily be what you have asked for. Even if it initially looks like it is the answer to your prayers.
I get this a little today.
I wanted and asked. Everything appeared great but it didn't stay like that because all the things that weren't matching my expectations couldn't be.
I do ave so many people in my life and also so much - yet there is this desire in me that is never met.
I am glad that I always have the fellowship to fall into. I am not a person that stays right in the middle of the boat all the time - but in the same way as a teenager needs somewhere central and safe to fall back to whilst exploring this thing called life - I have it in the fellowship. I had always depended on my mum until she died. The thing is she let me wander off but also enabled and fixed. The fellowship doesn't do that. I can do anything at all and then when I come back fully on my knees yet again there is no judgement or fixing - just stability. More of the same message that I can take and interpret in my own way etc. The fellowship - not one person in particular - the whole process -. So I do not have to always parent myself. The fellowship offers the parenting and the love when I cannot love me.
Gosh I am feeling relieved to recognise this. Intellectually I know this stuff.
Sometimes I can really feel it in my soul. I trust that the more I practice living within all of this the more I will know - it's changed so much already from the day I started so there is even evidence that it is possible.
In this moment I suddenly do not feel the loneliness I have felt since JH and I have become apart.
It seemed so much that we were together and now it seems so distant.
Its strange because actually I can offer my closeness without any demands or needs today.
I trust though - I trust that everything is just how it is meant to be in this moment. Not to punish or teach - it just is and I can take lessons from it if I wish.
I feel the same for JH right now. It is how it is - there are lessons but that's not the primary reason - it has been a life experience for me and for that I am truly grateful.
JH is a wonderful man. I am a wonderful me. I know I have a lot of shortcomings that manifest in many ways when interacting with different people. I thank God for the opportunity to experience life. It is never ever dull

Thank you
Bliss
X

The gift of the present

 Living in the present
The present moment is all we have. Yes, we have plans and goals, a vision for tomorrow. But now is the only time we possess. And it is enough.
We can clear our mind of the residue of yesterday. We can clear our mind of fears of tomorrow. We can be present, now. We can make ourselves available to this moment, this day. It is by being fully present now that we reach the fullness of tomorrow.
Have no fear, child, a voice whispers, Have no regrets. relinquish your resentments. Let Me take your pain. All you have is the present moment. Be still. Be here. Trust.
All you have is now. It is enough.
Today, I will affirm that all is well around me, when all is well within

21st Feb The Language of Letting go
ISBN 13:978-0-89486-637-1

Bliss
x

My Dad's Birthday

I called my dad yesterday! I remained adult whilst talking with him but also I noticed it's as if if I put on a plastic coating so that anything he might say (or not say) slips off me. Off course when the coating comes off after the call I crumble. And the coating can take a few days sometimes to come off.
But I am not crumbling at the moment. It disappoints me about me that I try to provoked an emotional response from him. We talk about nothing deeper than superficial nonsense. There is a format. I ask how he is, he tells me about his hospital visits. Then he asks me if I have heard from anyone and I always try and give the bad news to try and get him to show something like caring. He then comes back with something worse.
He also always has to attribute his ailments to something he picked up whilst in Korea.
He did ask me what I have been doing ... I keep it very vague. I haven't really been doing much it seems of a big nature so that it sounds like big news. That's what I have always been like - needing to have done wild things or large things to make myself interesting. But I have been working hard and preparing to negotiate with my bosses. I had a lovely evening at the theatre, I am feeling better just recently (will be glad when menopause symptoms have left me completely), my boyfriend and I have separated and I am trying to allow myself to heal and at the same time wishing to remain friends (this is really emotionally enormous), I have spent time with friends, I have been investing a lot more time into my studying and to my recovery, I am trying to save money to spend on travels, I have been discovering and being shown some lovely art and finding more and more interest. These are just examples of things that contribute to who I am and my dad doesn't have a clue.
I had mentioned to him, on the last occasion we met, that I have been writing poetry. He then spoke about his poetry writing. His is mainly sarcasm actually. It can be funny but really it is quite mean as it is at the expense of other people.
So the conversation ended with him not being available to meet today. I wish I had sent a card. I thought about it with intention  to send one. But I am so flipping lazy with these things. I always leave it until the last minute and then its too late. I used to be like that with my mum too. I don;t know why it is. I have them in my mind and it matters to me but I just don't do it.

I spoke with JH as well. I had sent a message earlier in the day because I am getting more and more calm as the days go by and my acceptance seeps in. I wrote about how sorry I am for my behaviour in reaction to all that had gone on.
We weren't able to actually talk. That's OK. Perhaps another time. It's less and less important. I am sorry for my part which is separate from my broken heart. I feel the loss and sadness still. But the acceptance of JH as is makes it a little easier. And with distance I can just be how I prefer me to be.
I hope he is able to ask his daughter how things are and have been for her. It would be an ideal opportunity to allow her to express herself in all of what has been going on. I know JH has worked hard and been taking professional support. It would be great if he could hear what his daughter thinks and feels and help her get to some acceptance with clear explanations and stability. I say this as he had mentioned how she withdraws and that he thinks she is saying positive things to her mum to please her. It would be good to know the truth from her rather than assume was my immediate thought. It's lovely that JH is taking time for his kids. I think with his work and probably a lot of online time and interest in women too has perhaps meant he is less available. But I hear in JH how much he wants to be good for everyone and then spreads himself thin.
I also know from JH how his place in the forest is a sanctuary for him. So I hope for him that it's restful time and fun and like breathing clean fresh air in to get rid of the illness he has. Recoup and re-energise.
I hope for only good for JH. I know that if he can use CoDA things can only get better and better.

I did a chair on Friday. I was invited because they have chairs from within the group. But I felt very honoured on the basis that it was only my second visit. I loved the fact that they keep the focus on feelings and when it was said that it's only a 10 minute share and we concentrate on feelings I was relieved and grateful. I have so many BIG emotions and some I just don't really know.
I shared about how I had been talking over lunch about a particular drunken occasion of mine and I was laughing at the memory of it. I noticed though a stony faced look on my lunch time fellows. Not alcoholics they did not really laugh at the past the way I was. And that's what AA has given me the ability to look back and be able to laugh without shame anymore. I have moved away from that. Although things like that were really me finding ways of expressing my adventurous and penned in self. It was like I found freedom but the only way I was able to allow myself was if inebriated. I still have a sort of pride about some antics. It's interesting. I don't want that sort of behaviour anymore but I do relish the freedom to be wild.

Now, I am avoiding starting my studies. A day of cleaning yesterday. Turning the place upside down. Partly it is because I actually cannot abide living here whilst I have these flipping moths. So everything has to be turned out regularly and hoovered. I don;t always turn out cupboards to hoover you see. That seems like too big a job to do on a regular basis. But now I am going to have to. Grrrrr.
I also walked a lot and wrote a lot.
I did not do any studying.

This afternoon LouLou is gong to the vet. I do not trust this vets. But they know her history now - I have to let them know I think that I am feeling anxious about the things that they have seemingly been negligent of in the past. They know about one occasion but I feel I need to remind them as it's such a big practice.
I can see LouLou ageing by the week at the moment. I love her so much. She has been with me through important years. I hope she will be with me for many more to come. 12 and will be 13 in November.

I have just received photos from my cousins birthday. It seems so sad to see her with no hair and so thin. She looks tired and old actually. She is 10 years younger than me. I am told that the chemo and the radiotherapy have not worked at all and the next option is to operate but it's such a  strange Cancer that has wrapped itself around her artery near her kidney. So an operation is very dangerous. No one has actually mentioned the possibility that there is a possibility that she is not going to survive very long. It's the unmentionable and yet there is more communication from Auntie O and Uncle R with a tone in there voice.
It's like a superstition that to mention the word death might bring it on.
I don;t know if its a general rule of thumb but I have noticed that in my mum's family they die shortly after their birthdays. In her photo she look thin and tired and grey but she is still smiling and up and about doing things. I think this is going to be tough year/ Gosh how can this happen so young. I know it does but it seems so close now. It happens to people further away from me usually.
It's odd I feel a sort of numbness about it. I have not been close with my family through anger really and through teaching. I am very negative about my family. I think I picked up the shame that my dad feels about people. I do not like it - it's judgemental and ugly. A lifetime of it seems difficult to shift.

I leave now very thoughtful and sad
Bliss
X