Friday, 29 April 2011

Finally!



Sky scenes of such spectacle
And the rolling rhythmn of the Universe.

Bliss
X

Something special - a right Royal occasion

Well of course I watched the Royal wedding today. With a mix of splendour at the wonderful pomp and pageantry and the loveliness of belonging. But that confused bit of me that likes to be separate and a non conformist too - I don't like that I can be easily led to be herded along with the masses. I want to be individual and am afraid if I follow the crowd I will lose a sense of self. This is a lack of self esteem and it's ego all at the same time. I am me, unique and OK. So it's fun to be me amidst my species and observe as we get shivers of joy with the pageantry. I think the Brits do it well. It was a beautiful wedding and I had lots of questions about what was going on in their minds, family members minds and behind the scenes. I guess anyone in the public eye like that raises that interest in me.

I loved the Bishop of London's sermon. So many wonderful things he said ...

Royal wedding: the full text of the Bishop of London's sermon.Right Honourable Dr Richard John Carew Chartres 

29 APRIL 2011

"Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." So said St Catherine of Siena whose festival day it is today. Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves.

Many are full of fear for the future of the prospects of our world but the message of the celebrations in this country and far beyond its shores is the right one – this is a joyful day!

It is good that people in every continent are able to share in these celebrations because this is, as every wedding day should be, a day of hope.

In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with the bride and the groom as king and queen of creation, making a new life together so that life can flow through them into the future.

William and Catherine, you have chosen to be married in the sight of a generous God who so loved the world that he gave himself to us in the person of Jesus Christ. And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another.

A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed.

In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life. It is of course very hard to wean ourselves away from self-centredness. And people can dream of doing such a thing but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary a solemn decision that, whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love.

You have both made your decision today – “I will” – and by making this new relationship, you have aligned yourselves with what we believe is the way in which life is spiritually evolving, and which will lead to a creative future for the human race.

We stand looking forward to a century which is full of promise and full of peril. Human beings are confronting the question of how to use wisely a power that has been given to us through the discoveries of the last century.

We shall not be converted to the promise of the future by more knowledge, but rather by an increase of loving wisdom and reverence, for life, for the earth and for one another.

Marriage should transform, as husband and wife make one another their work of art. It is possible to transform as long as we do not harbour ambitions to reform our partner. There must be no coercion if the Spirit is to flow; each must give the other space and freedom.

Chaucer, the London poet, sums it up in a pithy phrase: “Whan maistrie [mastery] comth, the God of Love anon, Beteth his wynges, and farewell, he is gon.” As the reality of God has faded from so many lives in the West, there has been a corresponding inflation of expectations that personal relations alone will supply meaning and happiness in life.

This is to load our partner with too great a burden. We are all incomplete: we all need the love which is secure, rather than oppressive, we need mutual forgiveness, to thrive.

As we move towards our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light.

This leads to a family life which offers the best conditions in which the next generation can practise and exchange those gifts which can overcome fear and division and incubate the coming world of the Spirit, whose fruits are love and joy and peace.

I pray that all of us present and the many millions watching this ceremony and sharing in your joy today, will do everything in our power to support and uphold you in your new life.

And I pray that God will bless you in the way of life that you have chosen, that way which is expressed in the prayer that you have composed together in preparation for this day: God our Father, we thank you for our families; for the love that we share and for the joy of our marriage.

In the busyness of each day keep our eyes fixed on what is real and important in life and help us to be generous with our time and love and energy.

Strengthened by our union help us to serve and comfort those who suffer. We ask this in the Spirit of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Well I guess if two people meet that can support transformation and not need reformation and if two people can support each other to be individually who they are meant to be but also who as a couple they are meant to be together - well then it is truly something that will set the world on fire. I really loved these words that the Bishop brought to me today.


 

Osborne Myrtle in Royal Wedding Bouquet

http://myisleofwight.fl1hosting.com/features/osborne-myrtle-in-royal-wedding-bouquet-catherine-middleton-carries-on-a-victorian-tradition

Catherine Middleton carried a sprig of myrtle from Queen Victoria’s Osborne House on the Isle of Wight in her bouquet when she married Prince William today (Friday April 29 2011) at Westminster Abbey.

Carrying-on a tradition which started with the wedding of Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter Princess Victoria, Catherine Middleton’s bouquet contained stems from an original myrtle planted at Osborne in 1845, which still thrives within its sheltered terraced gardens today.
Queen Victoria was given a nosegay containing the myrtle by Prince Albert’s grandmother during a visit to Gotha in Germany in the year when the young married couple bought Osborne House as a family retreat – a sprig from the posy was planted against the terrace walls.
Signifying the innocence of the bride, the myrtle was first carried by Princess Victoria when she married in 1858 and continued with the weddings of her sisters Alice, Helena, Louise and Beatrice.
Queen Victoria married Prince Albert in 1840 after a whirlwind courtship.
The ring which the young bride slipped upon Albert’s finger was engraved with a date etched in both their hearts – October 15, 1839, the day she had found the courage to propose to her suitor. She wrote of the day: “It was a nervous thing to do, but Prince Albert could not possibly have proposed to the Queen of England.”
Visitors to Osborne House today watched the Royal Wedding on a large screen on the lawns of the magnificent Island setting and received a commemorative buttonhole of Osborne myrtle.

The trouble with trauma

When the going gets tough, Bliss, isn't it enough to remember that calm, peace, and happiness always return - for you and all those you love?
That you will breathe freely again?
That you will stand tall again?
And that, if you really insist, you will sing that "Let's get ready to R-U-M-B-L-E..." song again - windows down, wind in your hair, double latte, riding shotgun - at the top of your lungs?
"Y'all ready for this...?"
    The Universe

Off out but have so much to write ....

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Life - awesome and frustrating

Grr motor insurance query following random research. In the end I renewed my car ins with RAC. They seemingly have not passed on data from previous claims within last 5 years rendering my policy invalid. I shake inside with fury. Fury fuelled by fear of more expense that I can't afford possibly - want them to give me cheaper expenses. So financial insecurity. Fury also fuelled by need to sort out a complication and in something I don't fully understand furthermore fear of being fibbed off. We stand no chance as service buyers. They always say they are in the right. Now have to rearrange insurance no doubt at huge expense. 3 accidents in last 5 years none of which have been my fault! Grrrrrrrr. Further anger now about those stupid drivers and ongoing inconvenience I am put to. Still think there are cons at foot.

What went well was that I was able to sort it out albeit costing me a lot of money.
3 incidents none of which have been my fault and the insurance companies are charging everyone - it's such a rip off world.
I can observe my anger about the situation and my frustrations.
I am financially insecure. Not trusting that everything will be OK whatever happens. It has always worked out up to this point in my life.
I may have to ask my dad for a loan if I cannot get back to work and get some extra sessions in.
I don't like and never have liked how dependant I am on the job I have - I took a lower paid job and less hours but could not afford to do even the occasional thing. All I had was study and work. I had more time but to do some of the things I enjoy costs money - even an art workshop etc. Money I just did not have.
It seems that it is not possible to have everything. If I want more money I have to work more and take on more stress which I do not like. If I want more time I cannot have enough money to cover more than the basics. And that I don't like either.
This means coming to terms with things as they are and choosing the least costly option to me as a whole. Worrying about finances is such a stress maker. I think it contributes to illness. And then I am aware that even with extra work I cannot afford private medical services yet that is where there is actually real help for things considered less important by the welfare system.
Gosh it's a complicated world.
So all these things rise up in me when as issue like the car insurance matter comes to the fore. Money. The main evocater of the emotional response.

Now I am considering whether I cancel the pet insurance for LouLou - it's £80 per month now with an increasing excess of £150 per claim. Seems crazy. I am paying out more than I can ever get back over all. If I cancel it and save the £80 per month it will soon build up and earn a little interest - a real little currently. But what if there is a major incident before I have saved up a reasonable amount? This is a risk I may have to take. I need to act urgently if I am going to go ahead. Already I am paying £22 per 2 months for her pills and cannot get all of that back in a year. Grrrr - expense expense expense. Services are costly, more costly than their worth?
On the other hand if I maintain the insurance can I expect the very best treatment for LouLou in exchange. If anything should happen I would want her to have the best chances. I don't know if there are different prices and what's actually claimable. Some of it it isn't for example a biopsy - would not be claimable .... crazy world!! It's all about profit I think and less about the best possible for the individual. Pay for a service yes indeed and of course money needs to be made to cover all costs. But at increasing expense for bigger profits and fat cats. And I am in on the grid and cycle of it all!!!

Frustrating ....

I have caught up and understood a lot about the biology of the cell. I am relieved to have got a bit of a grip on it. Now I realise the enormity of the assignment that I am behind on ...
3 questions - 2 carry the highest percentage of the marks. And they require a lot of input and I am behind the schedule.
Today I have arranged an early walk with AB and then dropping her off at the M&S as I go on to see SC at a cost I cannot afford. One nice thing is that AB and RB will contribute to my petrol.
I will clock the miles but am unsure how much per mile it is these days.
I have less than £18 per day to spend until the end of this month and need some of that to afford the additional cost of the car insurance. This stinks.
And I am ashamed of this state of affairs - at my age I expect myself to be better established. I have frittered away so much having a good and free life and paying for it now. I knew this but did nothing about it.
I am very unprepared for older age. Yet I didn't want to spend my life waiting around for it to happen.
There was enormous irresponsibility with money as well and I am certainly paying the price of that now.
I can get very disapproving of myself about this and expect that others will judge me harshly too. Some will of course. This is how it is and I need to once again adjust to actual circumstances and not how I wished it was.
I need to contact my dad and ask to borrow some money. I feel so scared and ashamed to do this even though he seemed willing when I mentioned it to him.

Hey ho! I can deal with a little bit better today. And thank goodness this didn't all arise a couple of days ago. It may well have been the final thing to send me out to act our my deathly plan. It's there - large and scary. Weird isn't it how my desire to be dead and my plan scares me. I welcome death but am afraid of carrying out the deed!
I cannot explain this.

Well off to get ready to go to AB. The big wedding tomorrow so even less time for studying. And then just one more signed off week at this stage. I am scared what will happen after that. But keep it in today and I have time to be even more disciplined if my concentration remains with me - if not then the doc may suggest even more time off. God!

Universe - this is how things are for me right now. I have to try and maintain the trust that it is all going to be OK whatever happens. I need the strength first to hold onto that.

Bliss
XX


Toe tapping with the Universe

In time and space, Bliss, if you just look for what's right - in others, in relationships, in yourself and your journey - you'll always find it.
Same when looking for what's wrong.
Tallyho,
    The Universe

Well the awareness of rage and anger is trully helping, as in the last two days I seem to have a reprieve from the deadly thinking.
I was aware of sitting and feeling angry at how JP had left without any explanation all those years ago now. And I could observe me in that anger. It has subsided now because of time and actually I think I am left with more loving thoughts. I would prefer an explanation still and I would hope by now that there has been some room for change and at least courteous behaviour. I also observed how vulnerable and unsafe in that vulnerability I felt. I need some time to create my safety but I was also comfortable that me as a person is OK. I think if this had been in a deadly dread moment it could have been very different and turned inwards.
And it seems there is more synchronisation with the Universe. The messages I am receiving are more meanginful for me. That's just the way it goes. I have been very out of synch which has been a difficult time for me. Maybe things are becoming more aligned and I can hear and see more clearly when the deadly dread isn't hanging over me. Perhaps that will lift with the synchronisation too. As I write this it brings to mind how of the Step 10 list I have been in the last year. It didn't need to be that way but I stepped off the path - quite a lot. This brings me into conflict then with the M/s stuff. The  external criticism or an inner discmfort? I am not sure which right now and that is still to be exlored I guess within a very closed and safe environment. I am yet to find the person that I feel I can trust to discuss these things - not in a sexual manner but in a practical and open discussion to explore my sexuality around this. There is a lot to explore in terms of self understanding without needing to be n the middle of it all.

So yes I sat and I listened last evening identifying similarites but also acknowledging differences. When I listened to JP it wasn't so much listening for me within what she was saying but taking inventory of her. I can be gently with yself about this because the hurt in me wants to protect me and keep her away. The loving part of me can reflect on this today. I was scared, you know, that she would be sounding all entirely well and holy somehow. I have heard JP like that when knowing the reality isn't actually how she has told it. But actually I thought she sounded very genuine - not trying to be perfect and acknowledging excitement whilst all the difficult emotions too. Some things sounded as if they continue to be troublesome for her. It was a relief to hear that.
It was also lovely that a couple otheres there were familiar to me and very warm and friendly. I did not feel out on my own and having to be ready for battle.. I could be soft and gentle.
I was able to share how despite difficulties in the relationship I had had last year, there had also been growth - an awareness was brought to me about me which happened to coin cide with matters with my dad taking a change. This, blended with hormonal shifts has brought me to my knees. Excrutiating as it is at times I am keeping afloat. Sometimes it's scant. But it's sufficient to keep at least on ths spot.
Today I can see it because I am not in the thick of the black cloud with it's poison pores choking my veins.

http://podcast.open.ac.uk/oulearn/science/biology/podcast-fsc-dna-rna-protein-formation

I have been sent a great podcast from the OU - it's just made the understanding I have of DNA, transcription and translation so much clearer. Why they didn;t give this to us in the first place instead of the complicated texts - phew thank goodness I was able to persistently ask questions until they thought to send me this. I am grateful for thte forums which give me a degree of anonymity and the space to work somewhat at my speed and level. This type of working is appropriate for me. Whilst I have questions in the classroom assimilating all the information is quite tricky.
Dyslexia? Maybe
Next I need to contact my dyslexic tutor. I do not want him in my home though.

Sure to be more
Bliss
X

Enlightenment and awash with serenity

A surprising evening. I felt very uncomfortable when JP walked into the room and then B was not far behind her. There was a man there that was incredibly similar looking to JH. That was so strange. I could not help but stare for a while. The whole thing was initially very strange. But the sharing was good and open and honest. I felt a calm wash over me that I have not felt for a while. I felt the terror of being in the same room with JP leave me and felt it was OK to be me - just how I am with all the blackness as well as all the relief at having had an improvement in my emotions. Furthermore, I have been able to put more concentration into my studying. I contacted my GP for more help and I organised the pills for LouLou. Little achievements but achievements nonetheless contributing I am sure to being a little more uplifted towards the end of the day.

I was able to speak with AB about a sense in me that she is irascible and what was this related to? She shared with me her concerns and difficulties and I was able to listen. It's so horrid that she feels she has to apologise when actually as a friend I value that she feels she can talk with me quite candidly.

I read something today about the M/s sexual interaction that really made me think about myself. I realised that in this type of relationship I do not have to feel at all ashamed of any sexual activity. The choices are all taken out of my control and the acts are to please someone else. The pleasure I get is actually secondary and yet that actually leaves me free to feel the pleasure. Does that make any sense?
So in fact there is no responsibility with me at all.
There is something important in this and I will expand further and also try and clarify what I am actually trying to say here ......
I will say that I miss the M/s relationship. And I am confused by this now because I can see that there is a link with childhood events and wanting to please a man that takes full control and decides for me everything. I think there is something special to be had from this relationship but I can also see the unhealthiness of it too. So I am very confused. No doubt like everything clarity will come with discussion. I welcome input but I am not sure where to get it from.
I considered starting a blog especially for that subject and keep the two parts of me separate. But I am whole and all these things are a part of me. I do not want to deny any truths despite the embarrassment and shame I would feel should people I know read this. It is deeply personal. I guess not everyone exploits themself in this way, sharing their sexuality. And yet surely there is so much to learn from each other by openness and removing the shame of experimenting and self discovery in this very intimate zone.
The problem is I guess that it also leaves an opening for more people that take advantage of vulnerability. And that is where it's so important for me to have boundaries.

I have more to write about matters here and will return to the subject when I next get a chance.
There is a potential for a busy day tomorrow.
Studying, walking and seeing SC in the early evening.
That might completely change my outlook of the M/s encounters I have had and my thoughts on it at this time. Gosh I am missing that.

Bliss
XX

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Really really not distraction

Try this test -

http://www.freemosquitoringtones.org/hearing_test/


Visit a geriatric home soon, in 20-30 years you'll hearing as bad as them!

The highest frequency you can hear is: 14khz
Check your hearing, download the Silent Ringtones and find out how old your ears realy are!

It seems that I am hearing above the range for my age which is strange as I thought I was rather more deaf than apparently I am. Good!
I have certainbly noticed a decrease in my level of hearing.
Interesting
Bliss
xx

and to keep this in the zone of study (loosely but relevantly) - perhaps this is genetic coding but combined with lifestyle and the environment within which I have put myself. So in other words someone could have lived exactly the same way I have and been exposed to noise levels as I have and hear better or worse according to their genetic structure.