The Stool of Unmanageability

A true friend doesn't care when you're broke, what you weigh, what you look like, if your house is a mess, what you drive, about your past, or if your family is filled with CRAZY people. Your conversations pick up where they left off, even if they have been months apart. They love you for who you are and don't judge you.  They will know who they are!

I will comment on this later ....


I checked it out with my friends first, as I was preparing to send a birthday card. As everyone without exception pointed out, this would be breaking my own bottom line of no contact. I wanted to send a card and at the same time knew something didn't feel right. It seems rude and thoughtless. What will he think of me type thing? Well I was reminded that he knows I have requested no contact for the time being. So actually I haven't been unmanageable. It feels very sad though. Sad that it didn't work out how it had seemed things were and sad that having not worked out it is how it is. Sad too that because of me it's the best thing for me yet it's his birthday. Well I'm sure it's of little consequence in the greater scheme of things for him. No doubt he has moved on a long time ago now.

An earthquake in Spain. It seems it's far away from anyone I know.

It’s horrid not having access to Blogger and the fact that they have deleted all posts made before 11May is concerning. Thankfully I save all my posts now. I wanted the record and the ownership to be all mine.

It is incredible the sadness I am still feeling due to the end of what I had believed in as a loving relationship with JH. I was looking at a friend’s photos of a visit to Amsterdam and immediately felt the loss again.

Oh so much better for a long and good sleep

Woke at 650 walking by 710 - lovely

I took photos but I can't download the images yet - no software :)

My friend is going to give me the software on Saturday evening. A bunch of us are meeting up for a bite to eat a gathering and a cuppa green tea for me and copious amounts of alcohol for them. All old school friends. Mind you yesterday I was really thinking that I would like a drink. Every so often that happens. I don;t actually think alcohol was my primary issue. But it did get worse and it caused me consequences I didn't like. So I soon talked myself away from that thought.

It's a funny thing. When I left school and my teenage home town to go to work in London, I didn't keep any friends. I left it all behind with a feeling of good riddance.

I have always done this and even thought it kind of sissy to have friends from childhood and yet been inspired when I have met people who are friends from childhood or for a long standing time.

These days I do have friends that I have now had for many years. But still think I will be thought of as sissy for it. I am trying to work out where this comes from.

I think it's my dad somehow - he is always moving on, never has any friends.

When my mum died and he remarried he cut contact with everyone - my mums family, all their friends.

I have learnt that he has kept in touch with one of his friends from the army (but then he is really proud of having been in the army and his ongoing military connections - so its counter really to what he advocates on the surface).

I think I have picked up on the false pride of not needing anyone and yet truly I feel needy of people. I am learning I don't need anyone but I like to be with people and connect. No one needs anyone but we do need fellowship and friendship and interaction as humans. I allow that for myself these days.

So anyway, this gathering of old school friends occurred after 1 old school friend got in contact with me and we met up in Farnham - she was visiting her mum and I am not too far away now. As a result she suggested we see if anyone else wanted to meet - the next time there were 6 of us and then the next 12 and then 20 odd. I didn't like the bigger gathering to be honest. But anyway there were a few people with whom I really enjoyed their company. I was surprised but I am not sure why? Something to do with this detachment perhaps.

So we have kept in contact and every so often meet up.

I am relieved to not be feeling again the drain that comes from deep within me and affects my mood. I just felt dreadful last night and went to bed to sleep so that I didn’t feel it. This morning is so much better. Energy, mood OK, no desire to eat the planet of all it’s food resources, lighter in myself physically and emotionally. Phew. OK on with some studying then!!

Bliss
X

Nick Knight

Apparently revered for taking fashion photography into a new zone. Mmmm I flicked through lots of pics and they were definitely not average fashion shoots but also I wasn't really absorbed into any. They just didn't grab me as really being unsual.
Maybe I am a heathen with no taste at all

Oh quite like this one too




And nothing to do with Nick Knight but I am trying to justify a long long journey to Wapping ...
http://www.thewappingprojectbankside.com/index.shtml
Bliss
X

Growing Pains

Think of the one area of life that brings you the most discomfort, Bliss, and that's where you're ripe for growth.

Never fails,

The Universe

Does this apply to everyone do you think? Growth comes mainly through pain?

Areas of discomfort - funny really because instead of looking towards the things that I am grateful for and therefore feel uplifted and skippy, the Universe is by default encouraging everyone to look at the areas of life that are negative. This can bring on a negative outlook for me. I didn't even get going and could feel the darkness moving in so decided not to think about discomfort. It will surely present itself when it's time to learn.

Areas that I am already learning have been around my anger. And also at work, seeing the way everyone is sucked into the stress and chaos and wondering how to remain as detached as I felt when I first walked in. I can see one thing that sucks me in - PD said yesterday that he feels support which is a compliment. I then put a pressure on myself to be keep doing it as it is something that pleases him and gets a positive reaction from a man who is very, very changeable. He is unpredictable and this can tap into the fear that I have. I can relate that to my dad when I was younger. I could never know what sort of mood he would be in. A lot of the time he was angry and with it moody, so nothing would be right and I would be told off. With his telling off I was always being undermined as a human being. It wasn't only parental boundaries. I developed later into rebelling and therefore really aggravating my dad. But to be honest I think I can see how the rebel in me developed. Nothing I did anyway would be right all of the time, there was no consistency. So in the end my confusion and hurt became anger and that exposed itself as rebelling because I was never allowed or even taught how to express my frustrations and anger.

That unpredictability as a little child creates fear. Fear for me of never knowing if I was going to be OK or not. I was rejected by him and so the fear of abandonment was prevalent. Equally my mum wasn't always around. She was working. So there was no consistency anywhere.

So within relationships I have had through my life that fear of abandonment. It is always possible of course that people will leave and my experience has been that they do. No doubt I have a part in setting that up. Perhaps even subconsciously choosing those people that unavailable in various ways or unreliable. Reliability of course can seem tedious, spontaneity is interesting. But it seems the spontaneous people also come with unreliability.

In my last relationship I sensed unreliability. He thought I was looking for absolute certainty. NOOOOO! Commitment doesn't mean it has to be forever, nothing is forever and everything is changing. But the more I knew the more I felt unsafe. He seemed to want to be able to do just however he wanted without boundaries. I am not sure it's absolutely true but that's how it seemed to me. And so there was a feeling in me of potential abandonment. Trust takes a while to develop.

This communication with JC - he is another one. Wants to have friends but doesn’t have communication with his wife. So there is a mistrusting in him to be able to tell her who he is and what his needs are and lack of communication. And so contributing to a sense of distrust at some level - if they are both aware of this between them. Some people I guess just aren't self aware and some people are. I feel sad for them. I have encouraged them to start talking with one and other.

I have noticed in me a couple of needy times and then I throw out comments of intrigue. I am able to re-boundary and stop that. I don't like it. At least I am more aware. I think if I am true to myself I would prefer to stop the contact altogether. See with AV it's great and simple. It's all above board with his girlfriend. Communication between us is boundaried - there is no intrigue cast either way. Discussions have even been very deep and meaningful but without any hint of anything. I respect him for his boundaries and commitment to his relationship. It may not last forever as others haven't for him. But whilst he's in it he is totally in it.

A totally true relationship, where there is true love between two people, seems to be rare. I would like that and if I can't have it, I am not prepared to have second best. That's I guess why I am where I am. The funny thing is when I was with AV I wasn't content - but I think I was in the starts really of what escalated into a full blown addictive process. I was not ready and actually was just another like the majority in western society wanting more more more. I get a feel that people living simple lives or getting in touch with nature etc think they are there! But they forget to look at themselves I find. When I have really got closer to anyone of these people they really want something spiritual and living with nature's rhythms is surely a start but not many seem to be exploring their inner selves too deeply.

It is the hardest spiritual path to travel I guess so not many people want to. The more spiritual, the narrower the path. Ironic really.

I need to start studying. 4 Days off and I need to focus. The purpose of the time off was to dig and house-sit but as AB decided sadly not to go with her mum and sister, I will be simply spending time with her instead. We are walking this afternoon at 4pm. My plan had been to focus on my studies whilst in their home. Now I can do it here in my own home. And what have I been doing - playing with the camera

BUT I cannot download the images yet .... I am hoping DC can help me to locate the necessary software.

Going back to the original point made by the Universe. There have been times when I have invited the Universe to show me what it is I need to learn. Phew! Sometimes the lessons have been mighty painful. So I am becoming more cautious and allowing the Universe to show me in it's time for today. That in itself has been learning. So I am loathe to go looking. Steps 4 and 5 bring an awareness of areas to work on. I think I am constantly doing these Steps. But I don't do them alone and they are not done without looking as well at the assets in my character and behaviour. I think should like to start working the steps again. I think the steps with SLAA are imperative. I think CODA steps would be good to work through again also.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

I think the thing there is "humbly". And perhaps how I have interpreted that when I have said OK please show me what it is I am to learn, there's nothing humble in my request. Searching my motives, there has always been a desire to be a better person. This in itself is a good thing. I would like to work towards being the best I can be. Not better than, just the best that is my potential. But for today I think each lesson is to be learned as I am ready not when I think I am ready.

This doesn't mean not doing as I am going along being. But it does mean to observe and experience as I go along and not force matters.

What I do like is the growing acceptance I have this morning and the desire to experience again. I am making plans and will commit to plans, facing fears and see what happens.

But the Universe is saying today to think of one area of my life. The thing that has come to mind each time I have read it now is the feeling of aloneness and the desire for a loving relationship and I think my lesson is in learning to love myself and to be OK in aloneness. I am not sure how to do that. As soon as I am alone, I feel emptiness. Yet there are so many ways I can connect with my Higher Power. For instance today I could phone the monastery and follow through with my desire to talk with a monk. I want to talk about the depth of my anger. And I could also talk about this feeling of aloneness I have - ever since my mum died, it was there and I was clinging onto SH. When my relationship ended with him, which was inevitable because as I started to get myself together I could see all the things between us that were not OK for me and that became apparent for him too (I hated though that he had the courage to bring this to the fore), I have had a sense of being alone. I like my own time and can feel claustrophobic when I cannot get my own time and space. I noticed how I was looking forward to returning to an empty flat when people have been staying. But there is something else about this aloneness. I was driving home last evening and saw a car in the lay-by and an ambulance there too. I wondered what had happened. There was a person leaning into the driving side, the door open. I started thinking of the Diving Bell and the Butterfly. He has a massive stroke. I wondered if something like that had happened as this couple were driving along. As there appeared to be two of them anything that did happen, the other person was able to call the ambulance and was there in the other persons probable fear. I thought about all the driving I do, everyday, long distances alone. If anything happened to me like that there is no one to make a call for help. And I might die alone. How sad.

So aloneness is definitely one area that I need to learn about and it terrifies what the Universe will do to help me learn this lesson.

The topic of the meeting last night was the word grace. It was so interesting as this is a word I love. People were trying to define its meaning. I am not sure any one of us truly got to know what it meant for us.

I am concerned that ML might drink. I am concerned on several levels. I wonder how it might affect our friendship. I am concerned that I would be very jealous. Most of me doesn't want to drink but if I saw her being able to drink and enjoy I would want to drink. I am concerned also because I know where here drinking took her to. And it might not get like that straight away but it might sometime. I don't actually think that drinking is my problem. I think I drank because of all the other addictive behaviours. The psych doesn't view them as addictions. He views them as a result of childhood issues. Music to an addict’s ear!!! Alarming really how little he knew about addiction at all. I was taken onto the ATP where I was diagnosed with anorexia and alcoholism and I was using drugs too. The funny thing is that the abstinence and the programme has actually been incredibly good for my change of being and growth as a person. But it would be nice to be able to have an occasional drink. Would I drink occasionally or would it escalate quickly. Who knows? Am I prepared to take that risk? Just for today no I'm not. Funny how big it is in my mind though and there I am thinking about ML with concern. I need to be concerned for myself and share that at a meeting.

Grace

elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

favor or good will

I was sharing that I thought grace came to me as a feeling deep within. It is a culmination for me of acceptance and forgiveness, of letting go and gratitude. It is being humble and also thoughtful towards myself and to others.

I did not feel any grace within me in the turmoil that resulted in hurt, fear and anger at the loss of my relationship. No, no, no. That was the opposite of grace. And I am not pleased about that at all. If I had been gracious I would have taken time away from the relationship without any further ado and allowed time to heal me. Unfortunately I thought yet again that it might be possible to make a transition towards friendship but I hurt far too much. Yes grace would have been accepting that hurt and moving away without trying to fight the situation and try to alter it. I wanted him to love me my way. The same with SH. I knew it was over long before it was over. But I was so scared and so hurt. Odd really as I already knew I didn't actually love him or want to be within the relationship the way things were. I did think there was an opportunity to work through things but he wanted things his way and I did not. So it was at its end. I was not gracious in my hurting though. Despite not wanting the relationship any break up hurts like hell. I want to be loved you see, so desperately. So it was not with grace that I thought of JH or SH in these cases. I did not feel grace inside and I did not act with grace towards them. For that I am sorry. I have been shown this by the Universe and hope that I can learn and grow from this awareness.

This is my lesson. Not to need to be loved from outside. I can love myself and know that I never have to be alone if I keep in contact with the Universe. I do not feel alone now writing. Or when I am taking photographs. I am beginning not to need people to see them. They are my photos and I have them as a record.

I still think it would be fun to create this exhibition. I might ask at The Barn about holding it there. Or take a look at the empty shops in Farnham and contact the council offices to enquire. CD said she didn't mind where it was so long as she wasn't expected to travel a lot to sort things out. Just need some local friends to want to be involved.

I have such a headache ..... I am not sure I can actually read. I think it is developing into a migraine. I had it yesterday as well. I noticed my vision was fringed on Tuesday. And I have been having trouble remembering words again. I will take some medication as I cannot bear the pain that a migraine brings. I never used to take medication for headaches. I wonder Universe when I might have relief from all of this. I think it is hormonal linked still. The neurologist and psychiatrist seem not to agree but do think that is magnifying everything. Humph!!

Bliss

XX

Wake Up Laughing Dreams

Are you ready to consider that what you used to consider is now inconsiderable, Bliss?
Like that you're as loved for your fears as you are for your courage.
That's progress,
    The Universe

Robert Palmer sang....
I was waiting for you
I was sat in the sun
I could picture your face on the tip of my tongue
I woke up laughing

2 mornings ago I was having a lovely, lovely dream. People and having real fun, lots of laughing and I woke myself up laughing. It was such a great feeling I can still "touch" it today. I was somewhere near a pebble beach and there were just lovely, friendly people and hugs. It felt really wonderful. I can't remember now exactly what it was I was laughing at when my laughter out loud woke me. I remember tossing my head back with huge laughter emanating from the soul of me. How delectable.

Work - well poor AW was the centre of SH's anger having not been pulling her weight. It's usual but it had really got to SH last week. Of course I had little to say except that it was frustrating hearing AW justifying and defending but she doesn't pull her weight. It was a relief that she was able to be honest and say that perhaps she can't do as much anymore as she is tired of it. And she was able to say that she is nervous of the dealing with telephone enquiries. I regret having a say as I have been absent for several weeks. I felt accused by her when she said that I was off and had been so tired before that - I think people think I was off because of work!!! Alarming - bit everyone seems to have a reason without deciding to find out from me.
These are the going-ons of a work environment.
Some delightful comments from ex clients as they were arriving for Aftercare. It's really warming to my heart.

I am missing LouLou. She is staying overnight with my friends. It's happened a zillion times before but I keep seeing her getting older and slower. She sleeps longer. I want her to live forever.
I am seeing the neurologist tomorrow - I am worried. Psychiatrist yesterday. All too much really. And the weird thing is after sitting talking for so so long with the psych I was then invited to o the Chair at the meeting last evening. I think I feel a degree of fragility that I have ignored.

Molly Parkin - Heartbreaker.

Driving home I saw the advertisements for the Scarecrow Fair at Pirbright. JH was coming to visit for the first time around the time of the fair last year. It was a moment of real loss and sadness again. All the excitement I had last year and the thought of how wonderful he was and how much I loved being involved with him. And then he visited - truths started to emerge almost immediately. His thing with women. It's so sad. We just didn't have the same way of being in love in mind.  Sad, sad, sad.

Molly Parkin on Radio 4 Desert Island Discs - so so interesting- what a scrumptious character.
My ex boyfriend JC - his auntie lived in Hackney and was a Molly's cleaner.
I would love to meet her. I wonder what I would talk to her about?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b010xy3d

At 55 years of age she came to recovery after waking up lying in the gutter having pleasured goodness how many of the men. She was there because the pubs were open at 5 in the morning. She has now been sober 24 years. A true Bohemian.

Looking forward to tomorrow being over ....

Bliss
XX

Mentalising comparts

First day or rather half day back at work.
I was anxious and excited .....

There were some lovely greetings, real welcomes. PD was very generous with his welcome. My manager and the HD were also very easy going and supportive. I managed to avoid secretary squeals. I know that's judgemental but somehow that's what it's like in my head when they are on the go :)
Then a somebody started telling me how I have been feeling and what I should be doing. I just went quiet despite them having asked me about me and not listening to the entire situation. Diagnosing me without having the experience to do so. I felt the anger in me rise. Internally I was critical of them and labelled them as very very controlling and directive.  Anyway rather than react to all of that I just nodded, listened and smiled. This person would not hear if I told them how I was feeling because I felt unheard and dictated to. So it was best to let it go. When I enquired with a friend later on how they would deal with that they said they would compartmentalise them - when I asked what compartment they would put them in - they said the IGNORE box. This made m smile.
I forgot to ask anyone else after that.

I only worked until 2:30 and then went for my appointment with the psychiatrist. My first meeting with him. We went way over the allocated time - 2 hours!!! I was exhausted at the the end of the meeting. Squishing my life into  hours and a lot of detail. Him delving into responses even deeper. Phew it was hard.
It was thorough. And he thinks he can help me. He is going to arrange some medication that might assist. I damn well hope it does. I am feeling so much better but I am scared now that I won't again. The thing is now I am scared that the medication will have an effect on my emotions. I do not want to not feel. I need to do some more research.
It's feeling like I am stuck between hell and high water.

Food plan on track
Recovery plan in order
Need sleep

Bliss
XX

A little bit of love lingers on ....

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost you witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
That I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I see my life come shining

I shall be released

They say everything can be replaced.
That every distance is not near.
So I remember every face
Of every man who put me here.

They say every woman needs protection,
Then they turn around and tell you
Every woman's got to fall.
I swear I see my own reflection
Somewhere far beyond this wall.

I see my light come shining
From the west down to the east.
Any day now, any day now,
I shall be released.

Now yonder stands
There in that lonely crowd,
A man who swears he is not to blame, no, no.
And if you ask him has he ever seen this lonely woman,
He'll tell you, "No, no, no."
What's more, he does not know my name!

But I see my light come shining,
Shining, shining, shining from the west
Straight on down to the east.
Ah-anyday now, any, any old day now,
I am going to, I am going to be released, yeah!

They tell ya, tell ya every woman,
They tell ya every woman
Got to have protection,
Then they turn around and tell ya,
"No! We gotta make that-a woman fall!"
Oh, god, I swear! I swear I see,
I see my, my very own reflection
Far and away beyond, way, way beyond
These old walls!

That's right! I see, I see my light, my light,
My light is shining, shining, shining,
Shining, shining, shining, shining
From the west straight on down to the east.
And any day now, do you hear me?
Any day now, I shall be,
I am going to be released!

Any day now, any day now, any day now,
Any, any day now, oh, any day now,
Any day, any day, any day,
Any day, any day, any day,
Woah, any day, any day, any old day now,
Yeah, any day now
I am going to, I shall be released!

Woah, any day now, I shall see again!
Any day now, I shall be free again!
Any day now, they'll let me be again!
Oh, any day now, any day now, any day now,
Whoa, help me, any day, any day,
Any old day now . .