Fluttery judders

I really don't like the way my body wakes me in the early hours. I am not sure what sensation actually wakes me up but I feel a fluttery juddering in my body. I think it is actually happening but it maybe my imagination and then the hot flushes. I have noticed that the freezing cold that happened after that has stopped recently. I am less bloated and can see my face has returned to a more normal shape and look. Not so puffed up. I just look different to me.
It's odd though because although I am definitely losing size I have lost no weight at all. This is frustrating.
The last 2 days at work were tiring. just PD and I were in. He stayed with the therapy side both days. He closed off his diary which was a relief as often he gets sucked back into the business side. He has been much less stressed it seems these last 2 days. I am off now until Tuesday - assignment writing. And about to start. But then everyone is in I believe. It will be better although I think AW is very very stressed and exceptionally lazy at the moment. She is being challenged about that now by us as a team. I feel for her but also cannot continue with the resentment I feel.
Pooooey LouLou just farted!!!!!!!!
This evening is a meal out for KM's birthday. A gathering of what always seems incredibly girly girls. It's my least favourite gathering. I am not sure why I said yes. It was lovely to be invited and included. I just find it all so girly.
Then the weekend after an evening out for my birthday. Something to eat then a reggae evening at The Barn. ET can't come. So ML, AM and T will be there. No big fuss and a mixed media evening. Sounds cool to me.
Right lets stop avoiding the studying ... later
Bliss
XX

Acknowledgement

Dictated by ML
Listen to my friends including ML (when she is NOT "in it") when I am MAD because of a man!
And recognise that I have once again given up myself and in effect turned him into my Higher Power.
I am just as worthy without such nonsense! But check this with people who have healthier relationships too.

he he he he - we laughed. She was saying how angry I got when I was "in it" if she challenged me - like conversations every night all night and being less and less available. Apparently and I acknowledge it I get quite scratchy about the challenge on my behaviour.
A lot to learn .....

I am so so tired.

I noticed yesterday the change when I felt the slight high. I was unaware any underlying emotions. I have felt this many times before. It's like a blanket falls over the emotional centre of me and the lights go out. I started to share but didn't know what I was thinking or feeling so finished my share with at elast knowledge of confusion. This is the sort of high, excitable that I have not been able to pin point enough to explain fully - until last week.
I also emt with my personal tutor. She seemed very encouraging and also had some great ieas to help with learning and study skills. Happiness.

Aftercare - everyone was so welcoming and charming. I felt very warm from the warmth offered. It gave me a real buzz - watch ego!

I am very tired now - only PD and I in the office and it's busy! Surely I shouldn't be returning to this level of workload???? Feel flatter today. Down from high, busy day and not great sleep recently

No contact initiated with JC - feel glad - it's not appropriate.

Talked with ML about how irritated I felt about AV and she reminded me that I have made assumptions. Will ask him about it??

Going to bed
Night

Bliss
xx

Sleepy bye byes

Oh soooooooooo tired
Goodnight
Bliss
XX

She made the sign of a spoon he made the sign of a wave.

I have read somewhere about the investment in a person of qualities that a person wants them to have. I am hoping someone knows it and can point me in the direction of it.
I feel very "up in the air at the moment". Not really got a foot firmly on anything that feels solid and grounding.
Chithurst is only 20 minutes or so away. And I would like to commit some time to that. I think I could commit Thursday to get there by 7:30 but this means I could not go for walks after work - Monday I can, Tuesday I can. Wednesday probably not and then Thursday probably not. Friday I can. After work they will be brief walks only. Saturdays and Sundays if I am not working are study and walking days.
If I could get there once a week alongside AA Monday, SLAA Wednesday and AA Friday, with the odd AA Saturday too. I miss CODA.
I think I went a bit cold turkey. The relationship ended and I was holding on alone. I am not really asking for help from friends although have lots of contact which I appreciate.
AM called - she seems to take a lot of time. I do not begrudge that and when I do talk she always is very supportive. I hope she can remember the quote or the concept that of investing in desired qualities.

Bliss
X

Special Day

Happy Birthday JH
I feel sad. This time last year I was so excited. This year about the same person I feel so sad.
Sadness hurts.
I really feel he is gone. I was holding on that he might think differently ..... but why on earth would he do that. He is enjoying his playing with things he has only allowed himself to toy with all through his time with his wife. Now he can put his fantasies into action. I hope it stops having consequences on people like me though. He doesn't have to feel that part.

I am going to get My head down to studying. Nothing else to write about this morning.
Really keeping close to my HP today.
Just texting back to AM who is hoping to be pregnant but trying not to allow her hopes to be too built up. I can mirror her toing and froing with the thoughts around that as I don't want my friend to be disappointed and I would like for her to have what she wants so badly.  With wants and the emotions attached to that it is so difficult to just go with the flow and wait to see what happens next whilst enjoying the moment. Right now she is well, she is working and that requires focus.
If I apply the same to myself. I am well, I am in a nice cleaned flat. It is peaceful around me. Nothing bad is happening and I have time to focus on my studies. LouLou is walked and now snuggled and sleeping. I am not at all alone, people are contacting me on and off all day long.
I am in need of nothing right at this very moment. Anything can happen next so stop trying to force anything. This is it and it's OK.
I have a desire for more or something else all the time. I have a hunger for experiences, information, knowledge. I am rarely content where I am. I think I want something and gradually that something becomes not enough as well. So if I stay in this very moment all is OK.

I am seeing my therapist tonight. I have had a lot of experiences of myself. But I would like to go with the lack of understanding of the enormous sadness I feel. I also don't really know how best I can use my time with him. I don't know where I am heading. Do I need to know? Can I just keep going along and see what happens each week? If I am in the moment then that would seem appropriate. Go and see what comes up. Observe how I am in the moment.
This week I have experienced jealousy, fear, sadness, irritation resulting in control, some acceptance and some ambivalence. Gratitude as always
camera, laptop, extra tuition etc. Material things.
And also gratitude for music that I really hear, friendships that are stimulating, people who are just kind and thoughtful, energy, shared wisdom, clarity, experiences at a very acute level of awareness it seems, freedom in moments, engagement with my HP, fellowship.

And then I read JS's response to a question I had about a Buddhist practice. It was lovely reading her explanation. I see in JS a definite change and I am so happy for her. She is till JS but with a greater sense of contentment. This is what I prayed for her when I was struggling all those years ago. It is a joy to see her. I am grateful for her finding this.

The Universe writes today what is suggested in fellowship as well. To be able to do something or give to someone without the knowing. When I first heard this I was mystified. Which just goes to show how thoughtless and selfish I was.
Today it is so simple to practice this but I do forget so it was nice to have the reminder and so now I will put this suggestion into practice.

When was the last time you pleasantly surprised or even shocked someone, Bliss, and remained anonymous?
Well, it just may be the most fun one can have in time and space.
Let's play,
    The Universe

The truth is I am not sure when I consciously practiced this. So now I can and I will.

I have a sense of calm and contentment myself right now, which clears brain space too for me to be able to study.
Thank you HP

Bliss
XX

Everybody knows what I am talking about

And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

A lovely weekend - busy and full of beautiful people. The Barn was very good - mezze served in a really chilled atmosphere. I liked it. Everyone seemed OK and if they didn't like it well at least they have experienced something in Farnham they didn't know existed. The band were good - jazz!
http://groupspaces.com/thebarnfarnham

The discussions were mainly history based. Light, nothing very exacting. It was interesting listening to people talking about drink and their views. There certainly was a different attitude to my own. I was able to remark on it without going into in depth detail.
It was interesting too talking with JM when we got home. The difference in our thinking about what for me is not acceptable. Getting just a few hours company per week with someone I loved and not really being able to share general experiences with. How JM has come to accept that it's better to have that than nothing. I would rather have nothing than for me what seems like a lack of retaining my dignity. I do not judge her. I see how she is comfortable with things just the way they are and she is content with her situation and what she has. It was just interesting. I question whether I did things wrong in my relationship and should have been happy to have what I was given despite everything else that was going on and the lies. BUT for me there was too much pain. So if there are consequences that are not acceptable then it is not OK. I get confused though and think well if I had just accepted then perhaps things could have been OK. No no no.
We had an easy morning talking some more then DC arrived. At last the image download situation is sorted - it was the cable all along and I sensed tat very early on but yet again didn't trust my instincts!! I just never think I know enough. Fantastic lunch at the Thomas Lord. JM very kindly picked up the tab. I was not expecting that and feel very treated. I am so lucky to have such lovely people in my life. I hope to be able to return the favour some time.
Then off to AB's - a walk and a fantastic Indian meal whilst watching horror of all horrors Come Dine With Me. Mind numbing TV



I drove home from AB's and really cried. I was thinking how I could tell my dad that I love him and that I would like him to be able to love me. Tell him that I feel so isolated from him and it feels so horrid. All I ever wanted really was for him to love me. And now I realise that I would like him to have loved me for who and how I am not by me trying to please him.
It is sad. I felt the terror of being alone. And then I was able to remind myself that I will never be alone. I hate the feeling of losing people. And yet there have been many people go and some come back.People get on and off the bus, that's the way it is.
Paul Simon's words though really rang true. And I feel blown apart. Everyone can see but not everyone will realise.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2wUq-aTjpA&feature=related

I can feel something within me - anticipation? I am not sure what it is. Something is going to happen ...... what? I cannot tell whether it is positive or negative.
It is JH's birthday. I hope he might know that I am wishing him well and hope that he is feeling happy and getting everything he wants and needs in his days.

It was a slow day
And the sun was beating
On the soldiers by the side of the road
There was a bright light
A shattering of shop windows
The bomb in the baby carriage
Was wired to the radio

These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

It was a dry wind
And it swept across the desert
And it curled into the circle of birth
And the dead sand
Falling on the children
The mothers and the fathers
And the automatic earth
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

It's a turn-around jump shot
It's everybody jump start
It's every generation throws a hero up the pop charts
Medicine is magical and magical is art
The Boy in the Bubble
And the baby with the baboon heart

And I believe
These are the days of lasers in the jungle
Lasers in the jungle somewhere
Staccato signals of constant information
A loose affiliation of millionaires
And billionaires and baby
These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all
The way we look to a distant constellation
That's dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don't cry baby, don't cry
Don't cry

A rotting rotten place filling with fresh air and light

After listening to AM for quite a long time - she is full of her new relationship and questioning things that are not very comfortable for her too - she asked about me but there wasn't much time for me as we both had to get on.
I was able to share again about the uncomfortable feeling when at the meeting with JP and B. But how I need the meeting and I need to share openly there despite my discomfort.
I also spoke about the difficulty I have in letting go of JH or what it was that seemed to be on offer. And in the end wasn't. I was very disappointed. So I also shared how I think I am a nincompoop for having this deep sense of sadness and loss. And yet I want to be moving on.
Then I managed to share briefly about the thoughts of a drink if ML drinks whilst on holiday. I am missing her and looking forward to her return. I was able to say that I am afraid that if she did drink how that would affect our relationship and I am afraid of losing her as she matters so much to me.
And then we agreed to continue the open chatter tomorrow.....
Now nearly ready. I have braved it and called The Barn to make sure they will be able to serve us food. It will be a mezze.
I have realised that this is my choice and it is different from the norm because I like it. It's me exposing a bit of me that people probably don't know and some may not like it. That's OK. I like it because it is away from the norm and not so square. It's a bit more of a wiggly shape that doesn't fit in to the every day. Good.
I have cleaned very thoroughly and like the fresh air. And JM will be staying. The first time another person has stayed here in a very long time. Well since JH actually. I have not allowed anyone here. It has been a rotten place rotting.
That is strange to acknowledge ..... It really has been a hell hole ever since then. And I am cleaning it out little by little. It feels fresh and a sense of moving on is coming. Well just for today at least.
I wonder if JH moved on without all the feelings I have had?

OK last posting before off to meet all the people
DA DC JM CS JC and me. All of whom I like. I will take my camera but it seems there will be a problem for me downloading the images unless I purchase an external CF card reader. DC will give me a disk this evening. So before I purchase one I will try that. If that doesn't work well then an external card reader it will have to be. I wonder if JB has one I could borrow. I doubt it.
I will ask. Oh I got a great shot last night of the very dark clouds with the sun obviously so low in the sky, lighting the dark cloud in a most peculiar way. I want to see it on the big screen.

Right hair dry and drop LouLou off with the lovely AB and then collect JM from the station, then let the evening begin.

Bliss
XX